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bluetimeombre · 2 months

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✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ And I wouldn't marry me, either part 2

You were Azriel's mate, but it took losing you three times for him to realise.

[thank you for the love on part one, I’m so happy Azriel is getting the love he deserves!!!! This is another long one, another 6k. But I’ve learnt a new love for writing about him and i have so many ideas. This is a continuation and final part, part one here. Enjoy]

warnings: references to sexual assault and references to suicide. nothing explicit but please don't read if this is sensitive to you.

The third time Azriel almost lost you, he was pretty sure he lost a part of himself.

They'd all gone into battle, knowing that Hybern had the numbers to match and the advantage. But they'd all gone to fight in spite of that.

It had took some time for you to get the boys to agree to let you fight- you'd trained and grew up with all three of them but this was fighting on another scale. Although, if they were going, there really wasn't much they could say to get you to stay.

You were clad in Illyrian leathers just like them, armed with weapons and power.

The first battle was over quicker than you'd anticipated. Hybern soldiers surrendered, Tarquin drowned them on land. You'd suffered little, only falling on bed exhausted by the end of the day. Sadly, you were sharing a tent with Cassian and Azriel. It was like you were young again, all sleeping in the same room. It was a habit you'd done when you were young- all looking out and protecting each other.

The only difference was that Cassian snored as he got older.

But the next battle was worse.

It was bigger than last. Hybern's forces had doubled, seemingly at of nowhere, cutting their forces apart.

It was chaos, everywhere. Every corner there was fighting and bleeding and dying. There was pain all around you. Pain you felt like it was your own.

You used all your power, as much as you could to kill and protect. From the corner of your eyes you could see Azriel fight. Your Azriel, weaving in and out of people. Your mate. He was alive. And that was all you cared about.

But you didn't realise how much you'd been pushing herself and draining your power. Every time you stopped, you swayed on your feet, stumbling.

One of Hyberns men came for you as you were crouched and you barley blocked with your sword, rolling onto your back and slashing his arm off.

Not before he landed a sword in your thigh.

It had been deep burning and you yelled, yanking it out. Even with the wound, you kept fighting and fighting your way through until you saw a blaze of red and a familiar cry.

Cassian.

He'd been run through.

It was easy to push past exhaustion and winnow to his side, killing the man who'd been near him and any others that had been close enough. You fall to your knees next to him. 'Cassian, you prick.'

'You kiss your mate with that mouth,' he gasped. He was the only one who knew about Az and the bond. The only one you'd allow to make jokes.

You look down to his wound and gaged. Mother above, his guts were hanging out. 'No, no, no, come on, big guy, you have to stand.'

He groaned. 'Yea, don't think I can do that, sweetheart,' his eyes, lulled back.

You slap him in the face. Perhaps you wouldn't have felt guilt if it weren't for the way his eyes widened. 'You know I hate being called that.'

He laughed as his stomach and all its contents heaved out. Ignoring the pain in you, you hold his stomach, keeping him together. 'I promised Nesta i'd look after her,' he said. 'Please look after her.'

'Do it yourself,' you groaned.

Finally, Azriel came to your side and picked Cassian up like it was nothing, flying him to the tents. If only you still had your wings, you could have done it, saved him quicker.

Then, you were thrown back into the battle. Covered in his blood and yours, you fought through them all, slashing and killing like it was nothing. Like you had no reason to bat an eyelash at anything happening.

Eventually, it ended, but you couldn't even concentrate on who won or how much you'd lost. Your head ached, your leg was tied up in a bloody bandage ripped from your clothes. But none of that mattered.

Cassian was in bed, healing slowly. But he would live, everyone could tell. Especially with the way he picked fights. He argued with Rhys about throwing himself into danger, him and Nesta appeared to be having words with their eyes. Even Mor and Feyre argued. You were the only one silent with Azriel in the back. Too exhausted to even open your mouth.

That night, you tied up your wounds and fell asleep without changing.

It only got worse.

Elain- Feyre's sister and the most precious- was stolen from Hybern. You had only agreed to go and save her with a few selected others because your mate was in that few selective others.

It hadn't escaped your notice how he looked at her, was watchful over her like he once was with you. You saw the tick in his jaw at the news she was gone. You knew that this was the reason you hadn't told him. Knowing that he deserved someone like her, better than you. Kind and hopeful. You weren't. So the only thing you could do was watch your mate find love in someone else.

And you'd do it grudgingly but happy for him.

Azriel had took of with her. You and your high lady fought, fought through ash arrows and everything.

'You should get out of her, y/n,' said Feyre.

You groaned as an arrow skimmed your shoulder. Another had already got your hip. 'If you try to order me out of here, i'll be really pissed off at you.'

'I don't care if it gets you out!' she snapped, arguing like a real sister would.

'Yea, well- I was never one to listen to Rhys either.'

And Azriel was gone. Everything was fine.

You and Feyre ran, ran even as Tamlin defended you, ran until-

An arrow hit you in the back, straight to one of your old wing scars.

You tumbled, rolling on the ground as it broke and imbedded in your back. You screamed, in spite of yourself.

'You have to fly,' someone was telling you. Or saying it in general, frankly you had no idea what was going on. 'You have to take her.'

You rolled onto your stomach, groaning and trying to get yourself up. There was blood running down your arm, how did that get there?

'Y'n.'

You groaned, 'Azriel. I can't fly.'

'I know, I know- i've got you.' He picked you up, arm under your legs and around your shoulders.

'Elian, Azriel-'

'Feyre has her,' he told you. He sounded angry. Or afraid. Somehow his emotions were very easy to mix up.

'Feyre isn't strong enough.'

'She'll have to be.'

'You should take them, Elian-'

'I don't give a fuck about Elian right now, y'n.'

Just like that, he took off with you in his arms and your blood raining down on the camp of Hybern. You could barley hear anything over the wind... but you could feel it.

Something had tugged painfully at the bond, throwing you into a scream. Something had happened to Azriel. You twisted in his arms, finding gashing claw marks in his back from one of the hounds that had chased them down. His face was bleached white in pain, his hold on you tight.

Glancing around, you could just see Feyre in a blur of people.

'Azriel-' you gasped. He was in pain, so much pain.

He didn't say anything, just squeezed you tighter and looking ahead, barking orders as Feyre flew for the first time in need, in desperation. You remembered what that was like, trusting your life in them. But Azriel's wings, they were bleeding out. You remembered the pain. You'd go through it every day to spare him a minute of it.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

You and Azriel landed back in the camp in a blur of pain.

Even with him leaving a trail of blood, he managed to set you down like you were porcelain. You didn't cry out. You didn't yell for help. You threw his arm over your shoulder and supported him.

Nesta and Rhys rushed to Feyre.

You hated your brother for a long moment.

Elain wondered over, chained but whole.

Azriel moved from you, checking on Elian. You only managed to watch them as she kissed his cheek.

The pain came to you then. Your head, shoulder, back. You turned from the crowd of family. Elain moved to hug her sister, Rhys stayed at Feyre's side.

Thesan, someone you barley knew as more than a healer, came to you first but you pushed him away, pushed him to Azriel. 'His wings. Heal him, or i'll rip you to pieces.'

He didn't have to be told twice.

You stumbled your way to camp, to your little tent. You didn't share it with Cassian anymore as he was still healing and Azriel would be a while- needing healing of your own.

You collapsed on the bed, promising to look after yourself- just after your nap.

You were so fast asleep you didn’t even hear Azriel come in and sigh at the sight of you…

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Azriel was fighting when it happened. Specifically, when it snapped.

Mate. Mate. Mate.

No, he wasn't completely healed. But he had to fight. He wouldn't push himself, he knew that would be stupid. But he wouldn't watch as everyone fought. As you fought. He'd hardly seen you. He knew your back would be in pain. He knew you'd be in pain and you were still fighting, so far from him and out of reach.

He was thinking of you when it snapped.

Mate. Mate. Mate.

His soul sang it, his heart rose with it.

His shadows whispered it.

Mate. Mate. Mate.

y/n.

And the first thing he felt over the bond wasn't happiness or love. It was pain. It was death.

Mate. Mate. Mate.

In spite of the pain in his wings, how he'd been told not to fly, he did. He jumped into the skies, soaring over armies and dead to find you. He followed that pain, he followed the bond until he found you.

You, lying in your own blood. Again.

He fell next to you, his power eradicating anywhere near you. They dissovled, the ground cracked under him and his syphons shone in raw power.

'y/n?' he held your body, shaking you. Blood, so much. A sword had torn through your gut. 'Don't do this to me.'

Mate. Mate. Mate.

You cough, a thin stream of blood rolling from your lips. 'Azriel?'

'You're mine,' it was the first thing he could bring himself to say. 'You're my mate. Y/n. You have to hold on, ok? I'm gonna-gonna get you to safety.'

Something like a laugh escaped you, your body wracking with it. 'Of course, finally snaps for you as i'm dying.'

Snaps for you. Mate. Mate.

She knows, his shadows sung. She's known.

Azriel called out to Rhys in every way he could. 'We're gonna be fine. We're gonna be mates, y/n. You have to live, you understand?'

'Not really.' your eyes flutter shut.

'No!' he yelled, shaking you again.

'What's happened?' Rhysand landed next to him, blanking when he saw you in Azriel's arms, bleeding to death. How many times did this have to happen? How many times would you throw yourself into danger?

'She's my mate,' Azriel repeated. He tested it out loud, speaking it to the mother. How cruel was she? to give him this then try to take her away. Well, the mother wouldn't get that chance. Azriel would fight her if she tried to lay a hand on your life.

'What?' said Rhys.

'My mate,' he all but growled as Rhys got closer.

He put a hand on the back of Azriels neck, a hand on your head. 'We have to save her, Az.' he knew all about mating of course, knew that Azriel wanted nobody around her. But this was too save her. 'She's my sister too, the last sister I have. I care about her to.'

Azriel wanted to throw a thousand insults his way but refrained. If not because he was high lord, but also because you were dying.

They got you to safety, Azriel carrying you through to a tent.

'Y/n?!' Cassian rushed over, seeing you in his brothers arms, bleeding out and unresponsive.

Azriel pushed past him, setting you down on the bed. 'Get everyone, every healer now.' He had no idea who he was trying to demand, but he couldn’t watch this, couldn’t see you in.

You were still in your bed. Behind him, Feyre rushed to her mate, wrapping her arms around his torso as your brother stared at you in muted horror.

Azriel was leaning over you, sitting on the edge of the bed. ‘She’s my mate.'

'What?' Said Cassian, ‘She told you?'

Azriel felt the world stop around him. Not did you know about the bond and hadn’t told him, you’d told someone else? Cassian? His hand stilled in brushing your hair back, his shadows coaxing you instead.

Rhysand spoke what Azriel wanted to scream. 'You knew?'

'She-She told me,'

Azriel had always had an iron fist control on his emotions, as relied on to be spy master, he had to. But his patience was hanging on by a thread. You were still bleeding out and nobody had come and Cassian knew. Cassian knew about his mate before he did.

His shadows caressed you and, leaving you in the coolness of their touch, he leapt up, marching around the bed toward him.

Rhys was quicker, a hand on Azriels chest to stop him. 'Calm, brother.'

'Calm?' He seethed. 'When-how long have you known?' He shouted.

Cassian breathed out, pushing his hair back . His wings were tucked in behind him. 'She told me, before she went under the mountain.'

Even Rhysand let him go, blowing out air and throwing his arms over his head as Feyre gasped.

Azriel stumbled, a hand to his chest. His shadows were divided between him and caring for you. 'Fifty years,' he gasped.

You’d known for fifty years- possibly longer and hadn’t said a word.

He was panicking, his breath escaping him. His shadows settled uneasy around him. And the only person who was capable of calming him was laying unconscious.

Thesan burst in, knowing the injured already and working on you quickly.

Azriel almost launched at him, just for touching you. The reasonable part of him knew he needed to touch to heal, but the part that was your mate wanted him dead.

Cassian held him back, physically.

Azriel glowered at him. 'I wouldn’t touch me if i were you, brother,' he practically spat the words.

Rhysand left Feyre with a kiss on her cheek, coming to Azriel who was looking over you on the other side. 'Az, you need to rest-you’re hurt, too, remember?'

He shook his head, staring down at you. Mother above you were pale, so pale. 'I-I can’t feel anything Rhys, I can’t feel her through the bond.'

'My sister is a fighter, she’ll make it through.'

Azriel scoffed. His shadows were caressing up and down your arm. ‘Don’t pretend you’ve ever cared about her like a brother.'

Rhysand inhaled sharply. This was just fear, he told himself. 'Azriel.'

'No,' he said, his finger brushing back your hair. 'You only care about her when she’s dying and all y/n does is worship you- ever since you were children.'

Cassian tried to advance, 'Azriel, you wouldn’t be saying any of this if y/n wasn’t hurt.'

He laughed, bitterly. 'No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have to. I’d bite my tongue. But your sister is dying and the last time you cared was the last time she almost died- it killed her to lose her wings and you were never there! And you teach your mate to fly right in front of her!'

Rhys growled. ‘Don’t bring my mate into this!'

‘You’ve brought mine into this!' He yelled. 'Everything she does is for you. Working for you. My mate followed you down to the mountain even when you didn’t care.'

'Of course I cared.'

'Then why did she feel so alone down there!'

‘How would you know, Azriel? You weren’t there!'

'Because I know her, bond or not. And you’ve been otherwise occupied.'

Cassian moved between the two, holding them apart. 'None of this matters to y/n does it.'

Azriel blankes them all, settling next to you. He vaguely heard Cassian send Rhysand and Feyre away. He felt him longer before he felt him leave.

And then all Azriel could feel, was you.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

You felt pain first. The steady thumping of it through your body. It started in your leg, numbing it. Then, her back ached- a familiar pain you'd felt before. It sent panic through you before you realised they can't take your wings twice.

Then, it was in your gut, stinging. Just the thought of moving was hurting- aching.

There was a coldness around you, draped over like shadows. Shadows...

That's when you felt the tug that you'd neglected to feel for more than half a century.

The bond. There was finally something tied to the other end.

The shadows around you must've known you were awake as they grew frantic around you.

You opened your eyes, slowly, afraid to what you may see. Afraid to the eyes you'll have to meet.

Azriel was sat on a chair next to you, bare chested with only bandages around him. Immediately, you were at a disadvantage. He was looking at you, dark eyes pouring into yours as his hands curled around shadows.

'What happened?' you asked.

'You were run through,' he said, voice wavering.

'Oh.'

'You're my mate.'

Your eyes flickered away, staring at your tent. 'Oh.'

'That's it?' he whispered. There was some heart-break tainting his voice. 'You're not gonna say something?'

You pulled the blanket over you, daring to move to sit up. He shifted, but his shadows helped you. 'What do you want me to say, Az?'

'Why did you tell Cassian and not me?' he asked. 'Why didn't you tell me, for fifty years?'

'It's-it's not a big deal.'

'Not a big deal?' he all but seethed. 'I'd say finding your mate is a pretty big thing, y/n. It's the person to spend the rest of your life with.'

'Can we not, do this now?' you winced, as the words left your mouth.

'You're right, maybe we should wait another fifty years to bring it up when you're dying.' you've never heard him be so cruel, you'd never even argued with him before this.

'I wasn't dying,' you mumbled.

He scoffed. 'You had an infected wound in your leg that you didn't tell anyone about. An ash arrow was imbedded in your back. Imbedded! You didn't see anyone about it and then- you run into battle and get yourself stabbed.'

'I didn't get myself stabbed!' you argued, your temper rising above all other judgment. 'I didn't rush out in there, wanting to die!'

'I held you as you bled out!' he yelled, standing up from his seat. You were swinging your legs over the bed, ignoring every twinge in your body. 'Do you have any idea what that's like? Not even to hold you as you die in my arms the first time but the second. And to know this time, I was holding my mate?'

You bit down on your lip. He had to use the word with such care and love even when angry. You could feel it. For once, guessing his emotions wasn't needed as you felt it all. The taunt anger in him, the pull of anxiety and above all else, the weight of his love.

Azriel walked around you. 'Please, you have to tell me. Why didn't you say something to me? Why wouldn't you tell me you're my mate? Am I that repulsive to you?'

'What?'

He gulped.

You shook your head as he knelt in front of you, shadows pooled around the two of you, as if they were trying to hold the two of you together. You took his hands, holding them and let something like love flow down the bond. 'You are the most beautiful thing in this world. Something better than me. I wouldn't burden you with that.'

He rose his gaze to you. 'Burden me?'

'Do you think i've enjoyed lying to you?' you ask, finally finding your words. 'Do you think I've liked being your mate and never being with you? That I left you for fifty years and thought of you every moment of every day, all day long. That when I come back I wonder if you or Mor had grown closer? Or if Elian would finally tell you how much she loves you? It's been eating me alive. But it's a small price to pay.'

Azriel grasped at his words, chocking on them. 'Elian is nothing to me, nothing.'

You pushed yourself up, using his shoulder to steady yourself before you move around him. 'Why? Have you only just decided that because I’m your mate? That’s not how it should go, Azriel.'

He was following you around your tent as you slipped on armour and leathers over your night dress. ‘I want you, only you.'

'Because of the bond?'

'Because I’ve always only wanted you!'

You laugh. 'No, you haven’t.'

'If we’d talked about this maybe fifty years ago you’d know that!'

You shook your head. Perhaps a part of you didn't want to believe him and all those wasted years at your fault, but you didn't want to believe his words either. Because what did that mean? That he loved you and wanted you. But that seemed just as impossible to you. How could he want someone so wrecked who'd done nothing but run away from her feelings and does nothing to make anyone happy?

'I don't want you to feel like that,' said Azriel, approaching her. She thought she'd spoken aloud before she realised he could feel everything that was hers. She'd only ever had to shield her thoughts from her brother- and he rarely sort her thoughts. 'Please, please-' he took your shoulders, turning you around and gently resting his head on yours.

You could feel his warm breath over your lips. You almost lost all resolve, with him that close. You'd never been so close to him, close enough to touch. To kiss. To know finally what it mean to have that deep connection that everyone was meant for.

One person in the whole world to belong to.

And he was stuck with her.

'Azriel-'

'Whatever you're thinking about yourself, i've thought about me a thousand times. And ever since we were kids you've always stopped me from thinking that. You've always told me what I was worth,' he whispered. His hands were wondering down your arms, sending shivers down you. He could've been doing it on purpose, distracting you. 'Why won't you accept it for yourself?'

You gulped down every uneasy thought. 'Because you're good, Az and i'm-'

'You're everything.'

'I'm not,' you look up at him, his own face blurry from your tears unwilling to fall. 'I'm not a fighter, i'm afraid of pain. And I could never be a leader, because i'm scared of losing people. I'm terrified about it half the time. Why do you think I followed Rhys down to that stupid party that I knew I wouldn't come back from? Because he'd do the same for me? We both know he wouldn't. But what would losing him mean for you? or Cass, or Mor? I was a coward and I wanted to hide from all the pain his leaving would have caused.'

Azriel shook his head, words sinking in. You were comparing yourself, to warriors like him and Cass, to the high lord- your own brother. 'It was unbearable without you. Maybe if it was just Rhysand i'd have still been able to be spymaster, because that's what he needed. But when I realised you'd gone to, it ruined me,' he admitted. 'I didn't care what you would've wanted, because you weren't here to tell me.'

You rub at your forehead, the tension creating a pain in your already aching body.

'And to anyone who made you feel inferior or worthless, i'll kill them,' he said. It was a shine of the real Azriel. The one who made a promise and never broke it.

You smirk. 'Can't kill the high lord.'

'No,' huffed Azriel, like it was a mild inconvenience. 'But I sure can punch him in the face.'

You laughed at that and Azriel smiled. He'd cracked you.

But your amusement dropped quickly, he felt it like a penny dropping. He let go of you as you turned away, wiping at your eyes. He didn't want to see you cry, didn't want to be the one to make you upset. He only wanted to make you feel loved.

'This isn't how I wanted this to go.'

Azriel suddenly felt conscious of himself. Maybe this wasn't so much about what you felt, maybe it was more about what you felt toward him. 'You really hate the mating bond that much?'

You look over to him. 'Being your mate is my greatest honour. But I don't want you to love me just because you have to.'

'It's not that-'

'And I know you're gonna keep saying that.'

'Until you believe me,' he assured her. 'Even if I have to tell you every day until I die.'

'I can't ask you to do that.'

He smiled at you, a heart-breaking smile of love. 'You haven't.'

You open your mouth to say something, but you're interrupted by Cassain poking his head through the tent flaps. The rest of his whole body was hidden, only showing his bronze face and hair framing him. There was a sheepish smile on his lips.

Azriel huffed. 'Cassian.'

'What? It didn't sound like much love making going on.'

'Mother above,' you sighed.

'What?' whined Cassian. 'I'm just saying, didn't sound like I was interrupting anything.'

'Personally I didn't know he was capable of saying that many words,' said another voice, familiar and dull. Nesta.

You frown. 'I'm sorry, is the whole camp out there.' You storm out, without Azriel to stop you.

He let you get away, again, and now there was no way he'd get you to accept the bond until the battle was done.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

The next time you and Azriel spoke, the war was over.

Elian had stabbed Hybern, Nesta had delivered the killing blow, to the head. And your brother had died.

For those few minutes of his death you wanted Feyre weep for him as you stood paralyzed, unable to move. This was the brother you worshiped, the one you’d follow to the end of the world. Did he know that when he went where you could not follow?

Feyre had done everything she could, she begged for his life back. And when her wish was granted, you were collapsing on his other side. Tears of joy in your eyes that Rhys wiped away.

Your family, safe.

Everyone seemed happy to return to Velaris. Home. Scars were left over everyone, fears and pains. Some wore them better than others.

You'd thrown yourself into life. And avoiding Azriel. Suddenly there were many friends you'd neglected that you needed to take dinner with, or so many spontaneous Rita nights with Nesta.

And none of it escaped his notice. The steady thump of the bond still thrived inside of you, his shadows followed everywhere you went, even loitering in your room.

If he was doing it in an attempt to annoy you, then you weren't gonna break first.

After a particularly harrowing Rita's night, the only thing you wanted to do was sleep in for the rest of the day, hide away from everyone and everything. Call it your coping mechanism.

Alas, there was no peace as your curtains were thrown open, light spilling in and burning through your eyelids.

'Knock it off!' the shadows had never bothered with waking you up before- it seemed they'd picked the worst time to start.

'We need to talk,' said a voice that certainly wasn't a shadow.

Rhysand.

You groan, rolling over. 'Can't you talk to me when i'm not hungover.'

'And when would that be, sister? you're getting as bad as Nesta.'

You throw your pillow off and at him, but he dodged it easily and with a smug smile. 'I hate it when you call me that.'

'What? When I compare you to Nesta? Clean up your act then.' He stood over your bed, his arms folded over his chest.

You glare at him. 'I meant sister.' You shuffled up, brushing your hair back.

Rhysand frowned and perched himself on the edge of your bed. There was something he wasn't saying, and you watched it weight heavy on his shoulders. 'You know the last time I was in your room you were throwing glasses at me and yelling at me to get out.'

'Well, don't give me ideas.'

His lips curled into a smile of amusement before he turned solemn again. 'Do you love me, y/n?'

You hadn't expected that. Your hangover could only get worse, your head swimming with possibilities as to why he was asking. And nervous, you were nervous. Maybe you'd never said you loved him out loud but surely your actions were enough of a tell. 'You're my high lord and my brother, of course.' you shrug it off, as if it was nothing.

The shadows trailed up the bed, as if sensing your anxiety.

Rhysand glanced over at you. 'Do you think I don't love you?'

You hesitate, chewing at the skin of your gum.

'Because I do. I do love you. You're my little sister, how can I not?' he muttered. 'And I didn't know you felt like that.'

'It was just sort of... obvious,' you said. 'I was never your sister, not really. I always knew that. You'd never see me like that so, I gave up thinking you would. But you're the only family I have.'

'No, I'm not,' he denied. 'Y/n, everyone in this house loves you. They're your family. And i'm sorry- i'm so sorry if my actions have ever made you think different.'

'Why now?' you ask, eyes screwed up looking at him. 'Why are you saying all this now, what's changed?'

He shook his head, strands of his hair- the same as yours- falling over his eyes. 'You almost died, died on that battlefield and I-I wasn't the first one there. Granted, it was your mate that reached you first but I, I wasn't there quick enough.'

You meet his gaze, his purple eyes sad in a way you'd only ever seen under the mountain. 'You died.'

'And as I was dying one of my deepest regrets was not calling you sister enough,' he shifted closer, taking your head in his hands as if you were a little kid. 'You are my sister. Full flesh and blood. Full love of mine. You are my family. After everything you've done for me. You were right, I needed you under there, when there was nothing good to keep me grounded, but you. My little sister.'

You were sure you were tearing up in front of him.

'You'll always be my sister.'

You laugh. 'Maybe I should get stabbed more often.'

'No,' he said seriously. 'I don't think Azriel would like that very much.'

The mention of him changed the tone in conversation, changed the very beating of your heart.

'What's going on with you two?'

'Oh, I see,' you tease, 'talk to me above sister and brotherly relations just to get in my love life. Not a good look on you high lord.'

He laughed. 'No, it's not that. I just care about the two of you, a lot. And you both deserve to be happy. And I think you'd be happiest with each other.'

You look down, twirling the rings on your fingers.

'Would it be so bad to try to love him?'

You shake your head, smiling as a tear rolls down your cheek. 'I don't even have to try. Feels like i've loved him forever.' his shadows climbed up your arm, leaving Rhysand to smile at the affection.

'You'll work it out,' said Rhys, leaning over and kissing the crown of your head.

Your door was thrown open, startling the two of you.

Azriel stood there. For his entrance, he didn't at all seem that confident when he stood in front of the two of you. His hands didn't know how to hold themselves in front of him.

Your brows rose. 'Were you listening at the door?'

'Azriel,' scolded Rhysand with a stupid grin.

'Get dressed,' he said simply to you. 'There's something you need to see.'

Without much room for argument, you kicked them both out and dressed.

You'd grudgingly let Azriel hold your hand as he led you through the woods. You'd winnowed in at an illyrian camp before he took you through it and into the woods close by.

It was the same camp you'd first met Azriel in. The oldest where you'd all become friends. You'd asked what you were doing there, but he was quiet as he led you through, helping you over roots or breaking twigs from the trees so they didn't hit you.

'Azriel, to any other girl, you leading her silently through a woods without saying anything would be a bit suspicious,' you tell him. His shadows trailed behind the two of you and his hand was secure in yours. You knew not to be scared, but you were still cautious.

'I wouldn't show any girl this,' he said.

After another half hour of walking, the two of you stumbled across a small hut. It was a tiny thing really, made out of twigs and sticks, hay and mud. It looked like something a child was capable of making.

Azriel paused in front of it. He let go of you hand and reached for the door. He was as tall as it and his wings had to tuck in tightly behind him.

Hesitantly, you followed in.

It was just as small as it looked and dirty, like it hadn't been touched in years. Cobwebs hung low (his shadows quickly tried to bat them all away for you) there was dirt and hay all over the floor. Glasses were dust filled and left around with a hundred other things. Some looked new, others old.

And yet, strangely familiar.

'I made this place,' said Azriel.

You looked back at him. He was hunched over a large box that was overflowing with things. 'You?'

'The first time my brothers picked on me, I came to these woods, working on this for days. Every time things got too much back then, i'd come here. I've been coming back for years.' he glanced at you, a sheepish look on his face. 'I've never showed anyone this before.'

You look around the place in new perspectives. The shadows settled around the place. You pictured a little Az, running here and hiding from his brothers. Did he feel alone? Did he feel un-loved? You were so enamoured by it you didn't realise he'd settled on the ground, pulling out things from his box.

'This is your glove, the one's you were wearing when we first met. You took them off to beat up some kid who was being mean to me. You didn't go back for them, you didn't even care.'

He said, pulling out a pair of red wool gloves. In spite of the hut, they were in perfect condition. Pristine. You remembered first meeting him, remembered the little soldier who'd been horrible. Those gloves wouldn't go anywhere near your hand now.

Azriel went in again. 'This is the empty glass jar of the cream you used to help my burns. Here's a book you read to me when I couldn't flip the pages myself. The notes you'd leave when you had to go back to camp. The flowers you picked for me and gave me for my birthday. Dried and stamped from every time you gave them to me.'

You stood, in shock as he kept taking things out.

'A terrible drawing I did of you when I was young. A locket of yours that broke and you never wore again. Stamps from our first theatre trip. Empty bottles from our first night together in Rita's- and Cassian's too. A letter you wrote to me when I was on a mission. A black ribbon from your hair, you used to always wear it with these things. Honestly, the amount I have in here,' and he pulled out several, of varying shades. Black, white, grey, red, dark green. All yours.

Azriel wasn't done. 'A page of annotations you did in one of Rhysand's books. A copy of your favourite poems. A coaster from the first time just you and I went to dinner. Here's some stones from when I first taught you to skim them. A quill that I used to use to write you letters. An old ring of yours is here too. Here's the first dagger you got me. It's too precious to me to be used to kill.'

Tears were falling down your cheeks as you watched him pull them all out and explain them in depth. There was more but the sight of it all was becoming blurred through your tears. The bond felt heavy and beautiful in you.

Azriel finally put the box down and fell to his knees in front of you. His hands came around the back of your thighs, holding you there as his eyes looked up into yours. 'Don't you ever think I don't love you, when I have loved you since we were eleven years old.'

You stutter on you breath. 'H-how?'

He rests his head on your stomach, looking utterly at your will and completely in love. 'How could I not?'

Slowly, as you could not move too fast, you settled down on your knees across from him. His hands moved up to your arms as yours went to his cheeks, brushing back his hair.

'It was always going to be you, wasn't it?' you mumbled. 'How could it be anyone else?'

Azriel kissed you then, finally. His lips were as soft as they'd looked, as you'd always imagined. His hands drifted to your waist, finger tips digging into to hold you close. His hands were strong, but his lips were gentle. He pulled away, only to groan in need before reaching for your lips again, harder, desperate.

His teeth bit down on your bottom lip, tongue sliding in to feel every corner of your mouth as his hands wondered around you, trying to grip onto any bit of you he could. Your arms wrapped around his neck, bringing him closer. Close enough to consume, to breath in.

You pulled back enough to catch your breath, arms still around his shoulders. 'Mother above, am I gonna make you the best meal of your life.'

But that could wait. For now, you'd settle for a dusty floor in the little house in the woods.

✩₊˚.⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Taglist: @tothestarsandwhateverend @darlingbravebelle @lil-lupa @haileycannotcometothephantom @fairywriter-oracle @isa1b2h3 @tele86 @thebeautifulmysteriesoflife @unleashthelion @naturakaashi @aurora1115 @sirens-and-moonflowers @azriels-shadowsinger @willowpains @crazylokonugget @abysshaven @anuttellaa @wishfulwithwine @one-big-fangirl @harrystylesfan2686 @charlotteintumbleland @mellowarcadefun @starseedsamurai

#azriel x cassian x reader #azriel x you #azriel x reader #azriel #acotar #rhysand #cassian #nesta archeron #feyre archeron #azriel x oc #azriel x elain #azriel x female!reader #azriel x original character #swifties

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corpupine · 5 days

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I've been doing a lot of thinking...and I feel like I need to scream this out somehow even though I'm sure it's been talked about before (and I'm putting it under a readmore because it gets long).

No matter what, in any playthrough you do and any timeline you create.

UNDERTALE is a game about guilt.

You have Toriel, so guiltridden she couldn't protect her own children that she devotes herself to never letting another child leave again. And then they do!! over and over again, that guilt compounds until it's the center of her life and every choice she makes!!

And obviously Asgore, so guiltridden that he couldn't protect his own children from humans that he spends the rest of his days trying to get out and get revenge on them--as if that will stop the voices in his head saying, if you had been out there with them you could have stopped it, you could have stopped those humans from killing your children, and maybe he could have!! Or maybe not!! He'll never know and it eats him from the inside out!

Alphys, oh my sweet summer child this fandom does not deserve you!! Alphys, so guiltridden from her own perceived failures as a scientist that she began to try anything, anything to make the King happy, and it seemed to be working at first, and then it was so everlastingly worse, how can you cause something worse than death?? without even trying??

And it shows up in little ways, silly ways, too! Ways you wouldn't even think about as guilt! Undyne! She feels guilty that she won't let Papyrus join the Royal Guard so she gives him cooking lessons instead! Papyrus feels guilty that he's not in love with you after one date so he'll "keep being your cool friend and act like this never happened!"

SANS MY BOI don't even get me started. His guilt isn't as physically obvious but he made a promise to toriel, he promised her he would keep the human safe, and in timelines where you save everyone he follows you pretty much all throughout the Underground (even if he doesn't do anything to help smh) because he'd feel guilty not doing it, and in timelines where you kill everyone he feels guilty for not stopping you, AND in those SAME timelines he feels guilty for stopping you because it means he's breaking his promise to Toriel to keep you safe I!!! This boy can fit so much cosmic guilt in him!!!!

Asriel! FLOWEY!! Do you ever wonder if he feels guilty about being the one to wake up again? The one to survive, when Chara had to die twice?? He sits at their grave and he will do anything, anything to drown out those thoughts so he befriends and kills and torments and it's all the same and it's all useless!!

And their guilt compounds each others'! Toriel makes Sans make that promise because of her own guilt, which increases his! Asgore's guilt is what pushes Alphys so far past the limits of ethical science, because he increases hers!

And all of this, all of this, ALL OF THIS pales in comparison to you!!!

You!! The player! You return to the Underground after maybe accidentally killing Toriel or a few others because you didn't know, you never wanted to hurt them!! You listen to Flowey and you come back and you save them all!

You! The player!!! You cry at the ending and you'd feel guilty, so guilty about letting them all go, wouldn't you? So you ignore Flowey's pleas to let it alone, and you come back again, you say hello to your dear friends but this time it isn't the same, this time you kill them all because you want to see everything this game has to offer, might as well get your money's worth, the fights are cool, right?? And then you get hit with the most unsatisfying atomic bomb of an ending and the only thing left is your own reflection staring back at you from the black screen of your computer as the horror dawns, what have you done???

YOU!!! The player! You go back again even though there is no Flowey left to tell you to, and you save them all again because I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, nobody deserves what I did to all of you, and it's all good, nobody remembers, and then you get to the end. The game knows what you did!!! It never forgot, and it'll make certain you never forget either!! Guilt!! Guilt, guilt!!! It's baked into the code of this game!!

Anyways tl;dr, maybe it actually did make sense to give this game to the pope

#undertale #unhinged ranting #sans #papyrus #flowey #others #ughgh so mentally unwell over this #like i'm sure other people have said this more eloquently but i am sobbing over this today #and i'm making that everyone else's problem

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000-nostalgic-mutate-535 · 8 months

Text

Another rant because Pinterest cut me off at 500 characters.🙄

Can we just take a moment to enjoy our family's humor first? I love us. Now to what I wanted to post. Lol

I honestly feel this is because, at the end of the day, Dean needs to feel taken care of- protected. He's always had to protect and care for everyone around him and he wants someone to do the same. Be with someone he can relax not have to be in control and calculate every moment and it weighs him down.

Sam on the other hand was very well loved and protected even if it was by a few he felt that love unlike Dean who saw himself unloveable Sam felt love and cared for at one point or another. The one thing he never got was control over anything. He's always struggled with things being out of his hands, unable to stop and control his desires. From wanting to have a father, a normal life, go to college to saving a kid, having his Mom, and finding someone other than his brother to stay and stay alive. Dean was raised as a soldier he accepted it even if he didn't like it. Sam was different he wanted to save people and he couldn't just say he did what he could.

Sam needs to feel in control- like he has something that's in his hands and only his. He needs to know even if everything in his life is spiraling he has this one thing where it's all his. How he wants it, when he wants it, how it goes and plays out. Obviously consensually. He finally has this one thing that's his and he doesn't have to worry because it's in his control.

Dean needs to know when everything goes to hell he can take the weight off his shoulders someone can carry it for him when he can't. Sub.

Sam needs to know when everything has gone to hell he still can change it he needs to know it's in his control and he can damn well do it. Dom.

Both reflect their Mommy and Daddy issues funnily.

John stripped (Wrong word I know sorry lol) Sam of every ounce of control holding himself and Dean over him every chance he got it was what Sammy wanted or his family. While Sam always felt the guilt of Mary's death and blamed himself slightly because he couldn't do anything it was out of his control.

While on the other hand with Dean, John stipped (again I know I'm sorry lol) Dean of his security made him a Mom and a Dad not just to Sam but to John himself. Dean never let the weight off his shoulder of what could happen if he wasn't there unlike Sam it wasn't taken in an "I don't have control I can't do anything about anything no matter what I do, and it will be all my fault" way but in an "If I'm not there and I'm not strong enough everything will go wrong and it will be all my fault," way. If he wasn't strong and kept moving he'd lose everyone he had. He had to hold the weight off of his family or they'd drown.

When Dean was younger and Mary was still around he was seen comforting her and being her shoulder to lean on before he was 4 about a fight she and John had. He was everyone's shoulder since birth and he needs to know he has someone else to lean on every once in a while for them to hold the weight off of him so he can do it for everyone else in a few hours.

I love our boys and trust me they're a good mix of both Dom and Sub in the sheets but I feel this is why it has been way more common for us to see Sam on the show all rough and Dean gentle. Even when on top they're both bottoms let's be honest.

#spn #spnfamily #dean winchester #castiel #jeffery dean morgan #jared padalecki #sam winchester #x you #smut #sam x ruby #spn smut #pinterest #rant post #pinterestrants #editnotmine #we all need therapy

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furiousgoldfish · 1 year

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I have a question: So like uh... how can you be sure if you are traumatized? My mind keeps swapping between thinking I'm traumatized and thinking I just had a slightly weird childhood and I'm simply over-reacting like I always do. Also second question that is more optional and you might not know: If your parents are unable to save you from an unfortunate circumstance like say... a sister that is violent loud and angry to both you and the parents.... and you often were in distress from say... a sister that would scream hit and punch and took all the parent attention to them and left you alone and hiding in your room... then could that lead to you growing up with the same effect of neglect? I'm guessing you would want a more clear picture of what happened to answer either one of these question so here it is: My sister was and is (but way more stable) mentally ill. I spent most of my years in elementary from 2nd and up living in a house with somebody who can harass, mock, and sometimes hurt me at any moment. She did mostly calm stuff like only say "retard" to me for a stretch of time that feels infinite because I was autistic, and almost punch me but stop and make fun of me getting scared. Very rarely she would go above and beyond by trying to drown me over a dipute and locking me in her room and refusing to let me out because I couldn't fix her computer. I adapted though, I pretty much avoided my sister as much as I can until recently when she calmed down. One thing I could never escape though was the yelling, the screaming, the crying. Every time my sister would have a mental breakdown, which was a whole, whole, whole lot, she was loud and sometimes violent about it. I was hardly ever in the middle of it, I usually just hid in my room while being forced to hear my sister's screams and my parents trying to get her to stop with as little force as possible. It's hard to describe the emotions, and I can try all I want to make you understand what this was like but I won't ever succeed so I'll stop. My sister also tried to kill herself a lot and been in and out of the mental hospital a whole lot so there is that too. Also my parents were amazing, don't worry. The worst thing about my parents is that my dad is a bit emotional but he usually didn't engage with my sister when he could get angry so it hardly came up in a bad way but he did escalate a lot of situations. My Mom was understanding and calm and didn't really fight back against my sister but like... in a good way, it's hard to describe without you knowing my sister. Sorry for the slop of words, I was thinking about like 2 other things at once while typing this and I don't have the energy to correct anything.

You can be sure you're traumatized if you have trauma symptoms. Trauma symptoms can range from feeling low self worth, fear and anxiety around people or specific circumstances and events, struggling with feeling normal around people, struggling with thoughts of self doubt, self hate, severe guilt and shame for everything that was done to you, or what happened, to the more recognizable ones: flashbacks, nightmares, emotional flashbacks, panic and anxiety attacks, losing control over emotions, not being able to regulate emotions at all, feeling unstable, desperate and terrified of the past and feeling low feelings or even complete despair about the future. It's also visible in struggling to have close relationships, feeling like you have to keep secrets, like nobody would love you if they truly knew you, feeling uncomfortable with people being near you or touching you (non-threateningly), running into isolation to keep yourself safe, or finding safety in substances, obsessions, addictions. Trauma can also manifest in development of disorders like eating disorders, anxiety disorder, panic disorder, ocd, depression. There's a lot of more subtle symptoms, you can check this list to see if any of this applies to you: Link.

It's often that traumatized people feel like they might be over-reacting, which is caused by the low self worth mentioned above; people who have normal self worth and are not self-conscious about how their emotions might inconvenience others, thus they don't stop to think if they're over-reacting, and take their feelings at face value. If a feeling is there, it's there for a reason, and the reason is unlikely to be something you made up. Sometimes what people will see as over-reacting is simply reacting to a trigger; even if you feel like your reaction was exaggerated, it's because something in your brain reacted to prior trauma and felt the need to evoke strong reaction so you would protect yourself against this event repeating, as it traumatized you in the past.

For example, if someone reacts with terror to a dog, we'd call it an over-reaction, but if you then find out they were bitten as a child and almost died, then terror is completely appropriate. It's like that with emotional trauma too, if something damaged you so badly as a kid you felt like you would never recover, your brain will react with terror or very strong emotions, to make sure you stay away and keep yourself protected. So it's really just a logical reaction, if you consider the past event and what it did to your life.

The circumstances you lived in as a child definitely warrant a lot of trauma. You describe your sister's presence as an 'unfortunate circumstance', but I don't see even one hint that your parents put actual effort in protecting you. Two adults are absolutely able to pay attention to more than one child at the time, and it sounds like you got completely neglected, and left to make your own conclusions to why that is. And you decided that parents cannot be at fault, because they couldn't do any better. I believe they could, because no child has deserved to be ignored and left to endure insults, slurs, screaming, yelling, punching, mocking, harassment and hurt at any moment, without any protection or care. Your parents were responsible for protecting you, and caring for you at any moment that you might have gotten hurt. It doesn't matter if they had 'a lot on their plate', because you are a human being they were responsible for protecting, and they failed you.

I can think of many things that could have been done differently to protect you, your sister could have been put in a place where she couldn't reach you, you could have been in a presence of a parent or a caretaker at all times to make sure nobody can hurt you, you could have been put in someone else's care as soon as it was obvious that your sister was hurting you, you could have been asked about it and comforted and a different solution could have been reached in order to make sure you live your childhood protected from all this.

Having one child that is a lot to manage does not mean you can now ignore all your other children and leave them to be hurt consistently because 'you cannot be bothered to pay attention to all of your kids' Also it sounds like instead of handling the child that was causing violence, they were escalating the situation and making it worse for you. Leaving one child to lash out at another is unacceptable, and it is both neglect and abuse. Protection from abuse is a part of what your parents are responsible for, and they failed you. And I can see you care so much for their good image, you're protecting them even as you're trying to talk about how they left you to fend for yourself in a world where you were harmed. Imagine if they felt that kind of compassion for you, and ran to protect you whenever you were alone with someone who was hurting you. You're showing more care for them in here, than they did for you in your childhood.

This had to be really hard for you to read, and I'm sorry for being so blunt. I'm not trying to tell you how you should see them, I'm just angry that you were put thru so much, and it didn't have to be like that. You know your situation better than I do, and if I'm completely wrong about everything, that's completely possible and you do not have to accept my opinion, your own is more important. I hope you're never left to fend for yourself in a world where others are likely to hurt you, that's not okay for a child to go thru, and it's painful and traumatic to an adult as well.

#abusive siblings #child abuse #abusive parents #sibling abuse #neglect #child neglect #failure to protect child from abuse #traumatic childhood #ask #furiousgoldfish

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raised-u-fr0m-perdition · 1 year

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Tw! Abuse

Hey, ik this is kinda harsh but could I request an Anthony lockwood x fem reader where they both knew eachother when they were younger and during that time she only lived with her dad as her mum is dead and because of that her dad was abusive towards her. Lockwood knew that something was wrong but he never pushed and he always felt guilty leaving her cause she never had any talents. Years later everything got worse for her and one night she shows up at lockwoods extremely hurt so he takes care off her. You don't have to do it if you don't ik it's a bit of a harsh subject.

A/N - Decided to combine those two! TW- ABUSE

YOUR SCARS WILL NEVER HEAL AND MY GUILT WILL NEVER FADE

I couldn't help but scream out in pain. Pain because of the fresh bruises blooming across my body. Pain because there wasn't anyone to save me.

Pain because my mother was dead, and I couldn't bring her back.

"SHE'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!" My dad yelled, striking me once again. Over time I'd just learnt to be numb. Keep your head down and it'll stop. It eventually does.

But it just built into a dam ready to flood.

I called out his name, the one who'd seen my bruises, the one who'd asked me if everything was ok to help me but he never showed, leaving me to wallow in my own despair and self-pity.

"Are you sure you're alright, Eve?" Artemis asked me, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You don't look fine. You look like you've been in a fight with a bear." Lockwood gave me a concerned once over, and I again had a flashback to last night.

"Yeah, I'm ok. Perfectly fine."

"If you say so..." We continued not bringing it up, even though Lockwood seemed to notice something was off, like a small wince whenever I shifted, a conscious rub to my arm, but every time he caught something he pushed it out of his mind, putting on his savvy smile again. I wanted to speak up, but it's like I was forbidden to. Like my dad was behind me, holding his old hockey stick just in case I let something slip.

Don't let something slip.

The whole day, every touch felt like an electric shock. I jumped at them, feeling tetchy. And Lockwood was there to see all of them, but he just gave me the same flippant grin he usually wore.

Artemis seemed more concerned, prone to letting me in her Rolls to drive home instead of letting me walk, bringing extra sweets and snacks to cheer my mood. I felt at least a little less trapped in school, but at home it felt like a zoo.

I didn't want to visit zoos anymore. I'd see myself in the poor trapped animals, unable to escape or say anything, subjected to a life they didn't want. It felt horrible.

I felt horrible.

I felt empty as I watched Artemis and Lockwood go to agent training together, leaving me to go home and feel even more worthless as I wondered why I wasn't like them.

Artemis with the talent and the witty personality that got her through losing her family.

Lockwood with the talent and the happy-go-lucky attitude that blocked out his trauma that he gained.

There were both so skilled at drowning out the noise that this created but somehow I wasn't.

Somehow I had no talent. I wasn't witty. I wasn't happy-go-lucky. I was plain, weak and subjective, unable to fight back against my dad when I knew I should.

So why couldn't I?

Why couldn't I be like them? Strong and capable?

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"Anthony, something is actually happening with Eve, I don't think I can ignore it." Artemis brought up suddenly, running a hand through her hair. "I won't be here for much longer and you'll be the only one she has left."

"Nonsense. Nothing's happening to Eve, she's just having her exams right now." He answered swiftly, convincing himself more than Artemis.

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"Couldn't be more sure. This a simple case of you overreacting, that's all. You're feeling a little under the weather, but you're ok. Just fine."

"Lockwood, what if this is something serious?” She insisted, feeling like something was wrong. “If we realise it too late, I won’t be able to forgive myself.”

“Artemis, Eve’s just going through a case of exam anxiety. Remember how frustrated and closed off we were when we took our grades?” He held her shoulders with a look which said ‘I know what I’m talking about’.

“I was fine, you were hysterical, plus, this started happening ever since her mother died. I think we should find out what’s going on.”

“Oh, Artemis, you’re just finding every little detail after your parents died. You’re both still in mourning, that’s what this is. Calm down, Eve’s fine and so are you.” Lockwood hugged Artemis, ultimately still trying to convince himself that Eve was ok. But he was Anthony bloody Lockwood. Nothing could go wrong in his presence.

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I was out taking a walk even after curfew. I didn’t want to go home, and after everything, death by ghosts I can’t see is infinitesimally better than seeing my dad, the person who never loved me, the one who blamed me for my mother’s death and the one who I couldn’t believe I loved and thought would treat me like a human being the moment before my death, raising his hand for the coup de grace. It seemed appealing at the most, dying instantly and lying there on the road until someone found me. Maybe then I’ll attain peace. I could see my mother then. Find solace in her arms.

“Get down!” A familiar voice yelled, slashing a rapier in mid air, protecting me from something. “Eve, what the hell are you doing?! This place is infested with lurkers and wraiths!”

“Wraith incoming!” Artemis yelled, expertly twirling her rapier and protecting me, her hair’s white streaks glowing silver. “It’s past curfew, Evelyn. We need to get you somewhere safe.”

“What’s nearest?!”

“Either Ev’s house or mine.”

“Let’s go to your house.” I urged, not wanting to return to my house. At least I’m comfortable with Artemis, Lockwood and even Marco, Artemis’ bodyguard and chauffeur, and Alfie, her butler, make me feel at home. I rarely see her brother Turstin.

“Alright, on three, run. One, two, three!” We all sprinted away, getting into the Rolls and speeding off. I rested my head on the back of the seat, hands covering my face. “Eve, you know there’s a curfew for a reason. Why were you out there?”

“I just wanted to take a walk.” I reasoned.

“At 8pm?” Lockwood raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. “You’re lucky we found you in time. Your dad was really worried, plus you could’ve been ghost touched.”

My dad wasn’t worried in the slightest. He just wanted a kid he could blame. And take his anger out on.

“Thank you.” I finally breathed. “I was stupid and out there with no one to protect me-“

“Eve.” He soothed. “I’ll always be there to protect you.”

Then why aren’t you there when I need you?

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"I CAN'T STAND YOU! YOU WILL ALWAYS BE A DAMN WASTE OF SPACE!" I couldn't fight back. I felt rooted. By the loss of my mother and the feeling that it really was my fault she was gone. The doorbell rang, a huge wash of relief bathing me from head to toe.

"Hello Mr Dallas, is Evelyn in there?" Thank the heavens, it was Artemis. That must mean that Lockwood wasn't far behind. He answered my call for him.

“Yeah, she is. Come in, Artemis.” I made it seem like everything was ok, no tears spilt or breakages visible, but I hugged Artemis like she was my saviour.

“Where’s Lockwood?” I asked, looking behind her as if he’d walk through the door. My comfort zone. The one who I called out to save me. She looked solemn, biting her lip.

“That… is what I came to talk to you about.”

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“He’s gone?” I stammered, tucking my hair behind my ear. I can’t believe it. He left without saying goodbye.

“Yeah. I’m so sorry, Eve. I tried to convince him otherwise. But then again, that’d be hypocritical of me.” I looked up, tears welling in my eyes.

“No.”

“I have to. My parents aren’t here and I’m the biological kid. My parents need me to do this.”

“But I need you here! Please, don’t leave me too!”

“I’ll never truly leave you. I’ll come back every week to check on you and I don’t care what it takes or if I lose my company. You’re my best friend.”

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Years later, things were at its worst. Many of my dad’s friends were dead because of the ghosts outside and he blamed it on me.

“YOU COULD’VE HAD TALENTS! SAVED ‘EM, BUT YOU’RE WORTHLESS!” He yelled, the bruises blooming on my body. I could barely eat anything, barely sleep, and I felt like I was slowly losing my life.

At least Artemis kept her word.

Dad had been careful not to try anything on a Friday because that’s when Artemis visited, and no one wants to be caught by a multi-trillionaire with lawyers that could prove you guilty of crimes you hadn’t even committed. She took me to the best cafes around London, sometimes letting me sleep over at her house. It made up for the absence of Lockwood at least. I thought he’d always be around to protect me. I was wrong.

But today was a Thursday, so I wasn’t safe.

I cried out for a saviour that wouldn’t come as the blows rained down on me, but they didn’t stop. They kept on coming. Tonight got worse than ever, and I slowly felt my life slipping away-

“Get off her!” The pain didn’t pulse rapidly and I felt the hits stop raining down on me as I heard a struggle and the sound of someone fighting another off, a rapier being drawn.

“That’s my daughter!”

“That’s someone you’ve been abusing for 3 years!” It was Artemis. “How unlucky for you that I came on a Thursday, am I right? Now get away from her. Eve, you need to run, now!” I heard her urgent call, so I groggily got up, running as fast as I could but not really caring where my feet were taking me. I bumped into a girl wearing a blue playsuit, but before I could run further she stopped me with a gasp.

“Who did this to you?!” She asked. “George! Lockwood!” My eyes flickered at the name, but I collapsed, falling into someone’s warm embrace.

I woke up on a chaise lounge in an antique-looking house, my body aching. I felt warm, and bandages and plasters had been put on my bruises.

“You convinced me two years ago that there was nothing wrong. This has been happening for three. Her own father has been doing this. ‘Just having a case of exam anxiety’ he said. ‘You’re both still in mourning’ he said. You know what your problem is, Anthony? You refuse to believe that anyone but you has problems. We all do, and she had the biggest one but you turned a blind eye!”

“I felt so guilty leaving her. Guess what, I had an inkling something was wrong, but for her sake I pushed it away!”

“Should you have pushed it away? Because now she’s lying on that chaise lounge, horribly injured and suffering from emotional wounds she doesn’t deserve. I hope you’re happy, Lockwood, because you’ve really done a number on her. Now, if you excuse me, I need to call my lawyers.” I heard Artemis stomp up the stairs, Lockwood entering the room with mugs of hot chocolate.

“Evelyn.” He sighed shakily. “I am… so sorry. I never should’ve left you, I…” Lockwood paused, “I should’ve done something. But I was too wrapped up in myself to admit it.”

“I called out for you.” I admitted, numb. “But you never came.”

“That’s my biggest mistake.” He agreed, sitting down next to me and setting the tray down. “May I…?” He held out his arms tentatively, so I gradually sank into a hug, finally feeling safe in his arms. “I was thinking… how about you join Lockwood and Co as our co-researcher?”

“I don’t have any talents.”

“I don’t care. I’m never leaving you again, because I love you, Evelyn, and I will protect you for as long as I live.”

•´¨*•.¸¸.•*´¨•.¸¸.•´¨*•.¸¸.•*•´¨•.¸¸.•´¨`•.¸•´¨*•.¸¸.•*´¨•.¸¸.•´¨*•.¸¸.•*•´¨•.¸¸.•´¨`•.¸

TAGLIST:

@superpositvecloudshipper

#anthony lockwood x oc #anthony lockwood #anthony lockwood x reader #lucy carlyle #artemis hernandez

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somebodytookmyusername · 2 years

Text

I miss you

Murray Bauman/Alexei (Smirnoff)

a/n: this is my first fic in tumblr, please don't kill me. I'm like so down the rabbit hole named cherry vodka and im not leaving. There's gonna be part 2 to this.

warnings: a few swear words (but should i even warn y'all about that?), mention of death, mentions of blood.

word count: 1192

Murray stared blankly as they walked out the fun fair. Not once did he ever look back. Well, not until Joyce decided to hit the Mayor with a mean right hook and smash his balls leaving the latter groaning and hissing in pain. He didn't smile, not even a twitch on his mouth. On a normal day he would've laughed or smirk out of amusement, but then again this is not a normal day...

Jim is being chased away by russians and he just saw a dear friend get shot infront of him, resulting for the man's death.

Alexei...

He shook his head violently as he jumped on the convertible. Joyce had immediately read his grim expression and sighed as she reversed the car swiftly, hoping that Jim would still be alive waiting for them like he instructed.

“you do know that there's nothing you can do to stop what's going to happen. You didn't know” she said in a sympathetic tone but it just made him infuriated.

The thing about Murray, he always think ten steps ahead. But tonight was an exception, he became careless. Forgetting that the man he's with is being chased by his ex-comrades, forgetting that soviets would tie loose ends and make sure those loose ends stayed shut. The russian scientist's smile bore a deep hole in his heart. The amount of trust Alexei had put in him... to protect him. And one bullet changed all of that.

There is no one to blame except Murray. He forced Alexei to come with him. To enjoy being an American even if legally, he still isn't one. But nevertheless, it still happened. He knows Joyce was right, that there is nothing he can do to stop what happened. He just delayed the inevitable. He knows in his guts that if they both stayed in the parking lot, not only would the russian terminator find them easily, but Murray will also get killed.

He looked infront of him as Hopper jumped inside the convertible. "DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!!!"

Hopper looked back and paled seeing Murray alone. He wouldn't admit it but knowing Alexei is dead sent a shiver down his spine. The cheerful, and fucking sarcastic son of a bitch died and he couldn't even do anything to stop it. He gripped his knees so hard, his knuckles went white.

Murray looked down, averting every possible questioning look Jim might give him but that was a fatal mistake. He saw a discarded cup of slurpee on floor of the car. He placed his hands on his face and sighed. Another wave of guilt hitting him as the cold breeze makes him shiver, remembering that he left his polo in the hands of Alexei in poor attempts to add pressure to the wound.

Fucking hollow points. Fucking russians. Fucking starcourt.

,,,,,,

It's been a week since the incident happened. He went back to his bunker by the help of the Harrington kid despite of Joyce's urging that it's not helpful if he's alone. But on the contrary, he's used to being alone. That was his life a week ago, how bad can it be?

It turns out, it was bad. Not in a "I'm traumatized" kind of bad, but a “I'm talking to myself in Russian” kind of bad. Alexei had rubbed on him in just a day which is extremely scary if you think about it. But that's not the worse part. He's been hearing Alexei's pleading again and again like a broken vinyl record. He already drowned himself in vodka. He slept till the late hours and when does wake up, he drowns himself in the bathtub with cold water.

In his desperation for closure, he even came back to the fair. Just to look, he thought to himself. Just one look. But he's not there. Those damn Soviets must've took care of him and threw him somewhere where the loose ends would stay, of course, not loose.

The Hargrove kid they saved kept on knocking on Murray's door to apologize (and to invite Murray back to Joyce's house because she asked Billy to force him incase Murray opens his door for the poor kid) but he never answered.

Well, not until today.

Murray woke up from the sound of his doorbell being smashed again and again and irritates him to no ends. He hoped it was Jim so he can just tell him to fuck off and that he's not in the mood. He looked at the camera and saw two armed men in suits and a woman in a grey and red tracksuit which is really uncalled for.

His bunker was compromised, how the hell did he forget that?

"Look at the camera " they all looked at different places and he groaned. The dumb breed of americans, of course.

"On your upper left!" he yelled and took his unloaded shotgun.

"Names?" he asked as he took the bullets from the cabinet and loaded the heavy gun. If they're gonna murder him, he's gonna put up a hell of a fight.

"I'm afraid names are not necessary, Mr. Bauman. We're just here to talk" the woman said cooly and he rolled his eyes. He had his fair share of assholes who think they can bypass his 'security' and he doesn't tolerate them

"You're in my yard, means i lay the ground rules here. I can stay here as long as i want and not give a rat's behind if you die in the cold. You're the ones who need something from me, not the other way around" he spat and leaned back knowing he's got the upper ground but the woman wasn't atleast bit bothered.

"Oh. But Murray, you need something from us too." She said to the camera and nodded at the armed man behind her. He opened a briefcase and took out Murray's blue polo. His blood ran cold.

The same bloody polo he used to stop Alexei's bleeding.

He tried to play it off with a chuckle, knowing these people they're gonna do everything just to corner him. Well, unfortunately for them he's used to being cornered and he knows how to get out.

"He's dead, what do you want" he tried to compose himself. What if he's alive? What if this government has his hostage? Are they Soviets? No, that can't be. The woman speaks fluent English, but maybe they're tricking him. What if... there's no harm done if he just obliges to what they want right?

"We just want to know everything there is to know about Starcourt. From a journalist's perspective, per se" he sighed.

"Fine" He cocks the shotgun and open the door. The muzzle staring at the woman's face and his fingers on the trigger. Yet he diverted the gun to the two armored men trying to push down the memories of him and Alexei's first meeting.

"Guns on the table. All of it" he growled and the woman nodded to the two unsure men and they took the guns out of their coat pockets and followed the bearded man's instructions.

This is gonna be one hell of a day.

hmu is you want to request, you can check who i write for here!

#murray bauman #alexei x murray #stranger things #alexei smirnoff #alexei fics #murray fics #jim hopper #joyce byers #billy hargrove #steve harrington

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salvatoraes-moved · 6 months

Text

character info sheet.

name.

stefan antonio salvatore.

name meaning.

stefan: crown. ( german ) antonio: priceless, flower. ( spanish or italian ) salvatore: savior. ( italian )

alias( ses ).

stef, hero hair, the ripper of monterey, the good brother.

one picture you like of your character.

couldn't decide between these two because they're my favorites ugh.

two headcanons you never told anyone.

one : after his mom died, stefan found a stray cat who would often sit on the salvatore estate porch that he'd fed, pet & keep company often. he never brought it inside because he knew giuseppe wouldn't approve. the cat was black & white & had a little pink nose. he named him snowball & had him up until he met katherine. two : when stefan moved to the united states after klaus ( @klaeus ) left in 1512, he decided to move to a more secluded town on the east coast, away from more people. at this point, he was trying to wean himself off of human blood but was still struggling. so, he decided to stay in a small cabin in a forest where he could easily find deer. whenever he did go into town, he wasn't there for long, only there to pick up other things he needed, including actual groceries so he could cook. a side headcanon for this one : he had an extremely thick italian accent. by this point, he was fluent in english but being new to the united states, his accent was thick for many years.

three things your character likes to do in their free time.

one : his favorite thing to do when he's got free time is read or journal ! two : cook, literally will cook you anything you want & he's good at it. three : he likes to work out, it helps the blood cravings.

two people your character loves.

damon : his brother unfortunately comes first to him always. no matter what damon does, who he hurts ( even if it's stefan ) he will always forgive him & always save him. he always comes back, even if they're not on speaking terms. stefan would literally die for his brother & he'd absolutely drop everything for him if he asked or needed it. damon is his big brother, the only family he has left & even though he's caused more pain than happiness in his life, he'd still put him above anyone.

elena : we all know how stefan feels about elena. she is one of the people he loves most in the world. besides damon, she's on the top of his list. his love for her runs so deep, he'd do anything to protect her. even when they aren't together, she's someone else he'd drop everything for & go to. he's loved a lot of people over the five hundred years he's been around but there's nobody he'll love as deeply as he loves elena. she is his soulmate, his other half & his heart. klaus & valerie are close seconds ( tied, in my opinion ) but it's still elena over anyone.

two things your character regrets.

one : tearing through villages upon villages, even ones with children when he first became a vampire. he has heavy guilt about that & has ever since he stopped drinking human blood. & he probably always will. sometimes he still has flashbacks or nightmares about what he did back when he was a newbie vampire.

two: not spending more time with lexi. while needing a savior & rock while he was weaning himself off human blood, he spent years upon years with her. but in vampire terms, it's never enough. once he got on track for the final time ( until the end of season one ) & stopped seeing her as often, he missed her. he knew she couldn't come around to him too often because she didn't have a daylight ring but he wished he would've visited her more often or at least called her more often. & then when she died, it was one of the worst & most painful moments of his life. she was his best friend & he hated that it got to the point where she only visited him on his birthday every year when he knew he probably could've went to her.

one phobia your character has.

deep water : after he spent three months drowning in the quarry over & over due to silas throwing him in it, he developed a fear of deep / open water. while he can't stay dead or actually die from drowning, it's still something that gives him major anxiety & ptsd. stefan immediately starts to feel a panic whenever he thinks about it. sometimes he spaces out & thinks he's back in the safe, he thinks there's water creeping up in his chest, no matter how much time has past. he also has frequent nightmares about what happened to him in the safe.

stolen from : @snnydcys <3 tagging : if you see this, you're tagged !

#𝑽. * 。⁎ 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐒𝐄 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐀𝐋𝐖𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐅𝐔𝐍. 、dash games.#𝑰. * 。⁎ 𝐒𝐀𝐋𝐕𝐀𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐀𝐄𝐒. 、introspection.#queued.#long post /#long post #drowning mention /

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rottmntquotes · 1 year

Text

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Ignore the gentle pitter-patter of Mikey's little feet here and the not-so-subtle drag of Raph's tail there. Eyes closed at all times, scales down, tail still; wait… wait…

Now.

Leo leapt up from his place on the training room floor, just narrowly dodging his youngest brother's attempt at a sneak attack. He landed on his feet almost silently with his beak curled back to express his brief pain. He couldn't do this exercise for too much longer - his legs were bound to give out on him the longer his brothers continued to pounce.

Speaking of.

"THINK FAST!" Raph shouted, launching forward with a large smile.

Letting out a loud groan, Leo ran towards Raph, preparing to either land a hit or take a pulled one. A good explanation as to why he let out a yelp of surprise when Raph rammed into him like a bull.

"OW! RAPH, WHAT THE HELL?!" Leo hissed, struggling to squirm out from under Raph's body. "I thought you were gonna pull that punch!"

"Which is exactly why I didn't!" Raph triumphantly replied. His tail thumped on the floor as a sign of his happiness, the smile on his face ever bright even as he stood to face a pissed off little brother. "You gotta remember that our enemies aren't gonna pull their punches on ya just because you're-"

"Weak?" Leo scoffed, making no comment on how that one word erased Raph's smile completely. "Yeah, I know that, Raph! I know that villains aren't gonna just take it easy on me because I have a fracture on my plastron or a cracked carapace! If anything, they'll take advantage of it!"

"EXACTLY!"

"Guys, please! Stop fighting!" Mikey cried, reminding his brothers of his presence. The tears in his eyes created a pool of guilt that settled in Leo's gut, one that drowned him in his thoughts that he believed he'd gotten over weeks ago.

Everything was his fault. The invasion, the injuries, the trauma; all of it. Had he just listened to his brothers, not been all of the things Casey- his own son -had called him, he wouldn't have to listen to this rant. Wouldn't have to see Mikey cry every time a beautiful drawing was destroyed, wouldn't have to hear Donnie groan in pain when he moved in certain ways that pulled the healing gashes on his shell, wouldn't be afraid to think that Raph would look at him with nothing but disappointment and frustration whenever he made a poor decision in battle.

A heavy sigh escaped through Leo's lips as he took a moment to bring himself back down to earth. It wasn't doing anyone any good to argue, and it sure as hell wasn't doing anyone any good to make Mikey cry. Once he was completely calm, Leo looked back up at Raph, fingers just barely fluttering and giving away his stifled annoyance.

"I just wanted some time to myself." Leo slowly started. "I don't see why me sitting with my eyes closed was taken as an invitation for you to-"

"Boys! We've got trouble!" April shouted as she raced into the training room. "Hypno and Warren Stone are trying to steal another ancient artifact from- HEY!"

Leo didn't give April the satisfaction of receiving an apology, as his brain had become focused on one thing and one thing only.

Find the bastards that helped me start this mess.

"LEO! WAIT ON YOUR TEAM!" Raph shouted, groaning as his order was promptly and easily ignored.

"As per the usual, he runs off to save the day on his own." Donnie snarkily commented, a look of utter annoyance on his face as the group entered the Turtle Tank.

As they left the garage, there was the collective feeling that something was missing. Though they looked around, no one could find any physical items missing, and no one remembered leaving their weapons at the lair.

THUMP! THUMP!

"Ah, that's what we were forgetting." Mikey chimed, watching with a smile as Casey Jr. and Cassandra Jones climbed into the tank through the roof. "Hey there Cassie and Casey!"

"Hey Uncle Mikey!" Casey replied, seeming disturbingly excited to join a potentially dangerous situation. He looked around intently, soon frowning worriedly. "Where's dad?"

"Probably off being an idiot." Cassandra muttered as she looked through the tank's telescope.

"Mom!" Casey huffed, casting a brief glance of frustration towards his mother.

"Well, your dad may have kinda sorta… ran off to fight the villains before us." Mikey nervously giggled.

"Called it!" Cassandra shouted, not noticing Raph's slight leap of surprise.

Casey sighed, biting his bottom lip worriedly. There was no telling what Leo could get himself or others into, so the boy could only hope that the family got to the scene before things got too out of hand.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They didn't get there before things got too out of hand.

"THE LEADER IS SUPPOSED TO WORK WITH HIS TEAM! AND THIS IS EXACTLY WHY THAT IS!"

"I HAD IT HANDLED, RAPH!"

"YOU WERE TRAPPED UNDER A CAR!"

Had there been enough time, one of said teammates would stop and take time to yell at Raph and Leo for wasting their breath on arguing in the middle of a fight. Sure, what Leo did was reckless, irresponsible, and even dangerous, but that didn't need to be brought up now. Not when one and a sixteenth villains were currently beating the group's asses into the ground.

"How are they beating us?! We stopped an alien invasion for hell's sake!" April scoffed.

"It likely has something to do with the artifact!" Donnie replied. "I'll use my goggles to look for any mystic energy! Casey or Cassandra; cover me!"

"On it!" Casey eagerly shouted, running towards Donnie and just narrowly dodging a flying dagger. "Whoa! Where'd you pull that from?"

"Oh, would you really like to know?" Hypno asked, moving swiftly to pull a rabbit out of his hat as well.

"Oh, my God! Dad, he's a wizard!" Casey shouted, swinging his hockey stick frantically. "Do a sword next!"

"Yeah, you really are your father's son…" Donnie muttered. Taking the moment to pull his goggles down and search for the artifact. "Come on… where are you?"

"Looking for something?" A voice asked, spooking Donnie long enough to draw his attention away from the fight.

"I'll do you one better than a sword!" Hypno chimed, pulling a sledgehammer out from his hat. "THINK FAST!"

Casey yelped and ducked, an action that Hypno hoped for as he swung and made contact directly with the side of Donnie's head.

"UNCLE DONNIE!" Casey screamed, drawing everyone's attention towards him.

The sight at his feet was horrific, blood pooling out of every orifice it could, a dent that was a sure sign of how much strength Hypno put into his swing, an eye that just barely popped out of its socket, and teeth that pressed down to bite off the tip of Donatello's tongue. By all accounts, the softshell should be dead, killed by such force, yet there was a wheezing gasp that told Casey otherwise. A rise and fall of Donnie's chest that said 'I AM alive, I AM here, and I. AM. IN. PAIN.'

"DAAAAAAAAAAAD!" Another agonizing cry came from Casey, echoing through the eerily empty streets and breaking Leo out of his stupor.

"Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit!" Leo gasped, racing over to his boy and brother and trying not to gag at the sight. "No… not you, Dee. Not you, it should've been me…"

"Why don't we make it both?" Hypno darkly chuckled, raising his sledgehammer up over his head. The look of desire for blood made something akin to both terror and fury run down Leo's back, and he hissed like a wild animal before pouncing.

Loud screeching accompanied Leo's next actions; claws and teeth tore into whatever flesh they could, working hard and fast as the Slider received nothing but amused laughter.

"LET'S SEE HOW FUCKING AMUSED YOU ARE WHEN YOU'RE DEAD!" Leo roared, digging his teeth and claws deeper and deeper, growling louder and louder the more Hypno laughed.

Fuck, he wanted to stop that disgusting laugh.

"WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!" Leo screamed, stopping for a moment and gasping at the realization that Hypno's body was regenerating itself the moment it was able to. "No…"

"Yes!" Hypno cackled, throwing Leo back and using a card to- somehow -make himself disappear.

"Leo!" Mikey called, giving Leo no time to wallow in self hate or plan his revenge. "What do we do?!"

Leo took a deep breath, looking down at Donnie and keeping his focus on Donnie alone. He couldn't bear the terror on Casey's face, the fury on Cassandra's, the horror on Mikey's, the despair on April's…

Or what he was absolutely sure was hatred on Raph's.

"Okay, here's what I need everyone to do…"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride back to the lair was a less than pleasant one. The moment Donnie had been put together enough to be moved into the tank, he was cautiously transported onto a specially built cot. After that, no one seemed to want to talk to anyone.

Save for Casey, who only wanted to talk to his dad.

"I didn't mean to get him hurt, Otōsan." Casey whimpered, seemingly terrified to make eye contact with Leo.

The statement honestly spooked Leo. Not only because the tank had been silent at the time, but also because Casey rarely ever used Japanese. He was just being taught by Splinter, and didn't seem to take to it as much as he did to everything battle related.

"It's okay, Casey. You didn't mean to." Leo assured. "You made a mistake. We all do."

"But look at what my mistake did!" Casey sobbed. "Uncle Donnie could… he might… and it's all my fault!"

Leo sighed, pulling Casey into a tight hug. "Your uncle is going to be fine. You know how I know?"

Casey sniffled, looking to Leo with teary eyes.

"I know because he's one of us. A Hamato-O'neil-Jones. And we're the most stubborn creatures on earth!" Leo cheered, smiling with relief as Casey laughed, albeit briefly. "I bet my right arm that Donnie will be okay. Forehead and all."

"Thanks dad."

"Anytime, son."

~~~~~

The moment they got home, the first place everyone went was the med bay, where Leo hissed and snapped at everyone but Casey, who was the only other one with medical knowledge and training. The two worked for hours on Donnie, doing their best to keep their tears from blurring their vision or falling onto Donnie's injuries.

"Is this really all we can do?" Casey nervously asked as the duo finished cleaning their operating table.

"You don't have to stop at surgery." Leo replied with a well-practiced false smile. "You can come visit your uncle as often as you'd like. Read books to him, tell him about your day, talk about what's going on in school - stuff that'll keep him happy."

"Well, that means that you and Uncle Raph can't argue." Casey replied. "It annoys everyone when you both get in your 'moods'."

"Really, now? Did Donnie teach you to talk like that?" Leo asked.

"No… yeah." Casey replied.

Leo sighed, shaking his head slightly and tapping his claws against his thighs just as slightly. "I'm not equipped for this."

Casey opened his mouth to respond, though no words were found as he attempted to reassure Leo. This wasn't his area of expertise, and he knew the most efficient thing he could do right now was take Leo's attention away from the current frustration.

"I've only seen you get like that one other time."

The comment was enough to make Leo turn and look at Casey with interest, and it took everything in the boy to keep from outwardly celebrating.

"It was before I was sent back; I was five, maybe six years old, and all I was trying to do was ask you a question." Casey grimaced at the memory, a flash of red making him briefly cringe. "Granted, I should have known better than to interrupt a meeting, especially one about invading a Kraang base, but I was just… so excited to get your opinion on an idea I had.

"No one else seemed to mind me rushing through the crowd to get to you. Even if I did step on a few toes by accident. All I could think about was how happy you would be… until one of your best soldiers pushed me to the side and called me a spoiled brat."

Casey saw how Leo tensed at the mere mention of the incident, fearing that he would cause the Slider to go into some sort of uncontrollable rage. It was a silly fear, but one engraved into Casey's mind ever since that one fateful day, the day he was forcing himself to recall.

"I didn't find the term offensive, didn't even know what it meant, really. I just thought he was pushed over the edge and needed an outlet; everyone did, so no one really took insults to heart in the future. Like normal I just planned to brush it off and go back to running towards you, but that was until I noticed everyone staring at you like you were some terrifying monster.

"Of course, being the stupid kid I was, I told everyone to stop being mean, to stop looking at you that way. I went on a rant about how you weren't going to hurt anyone… until I saw what everyone was afraid of.

"When I looked into your eyes that day, I didn't see the master and father I had come to know and love. I saw… I saw an animal. A monster. There was no color, no joy, no life. I barely had any time to say your name before you had leapt forward, and I believe part of my brain has buried a large part of what happened next, since all I remember afterwards is seeing ten soldiers pulling you away from that man's half eaten corpse."

Leo stayed silent throughout the entire tale, breath heavy and pupils slitting as the seconds passed. All of the boys knew that nothing could stop them from being animals, no matter how much they tried to hide behind their human tendencies. They tried so desperately to keep from giving in to their feral nature, and had one rule, one fucking rule; never draw blood by claw or fang.

"…right dad?"

"What?" Leo swiftly turned to look at Casey with a somewhat fearful expression.

"I was saying that you'd never do something like that again. That you can control those tendencies now. Right?" Casey asked, tilting his head and hoping that the lights in the lab didn't reflect on the tears in his eyes.

They did.

Leo stayed quiet for an uncomfortable amount of time, grinding his teeth before sighing. "I think it's time for you to go home, son. Your mother is likely worried sick about you."

"But-"

"I have everything covered here, Case. I'll be fine, and so will your uncle." Leo calmly stated, pulling Casey into a stiff hug. "Go get some rest. You deserve it."

"But what if I have nightmares?" Casey whimpered, his shoulders beginning to shake as a sob threatened to escape. "Mom doesn't know your special story to chase away nightmares."

"Damn it, how are you so good at guilting me?" Leo groaned, relaxing his grip and feeling himself practically fall apart as Casey burst into tears. "Okay, you can stay."

"In here with you and Uncle Donnie?" Casey requested.

"Don't push it." Leo muttered, sending Casey off to his room. "You know where my extra comfy blanket is!"

The moment Casey was gone, Leo groaned, sitting on a nearby swivel chair and hissing. Now that he was alone in the med bay- meaning next to his twin brother, who had his face wrapped up completely so that it didn't literally fall into a thousand pieces -Leo was forced to go over the day's events by himself.

"How could I let this happen?" Leo whispered, tensing at the sound of creaking behind him. It was a familiar sound, that of someone moving on the med bay cot. "I'm sorry, Dee."

"I know you are." The reply was muffled, stunted even, though there was no hint of anger or disdain present. "Otherwise you wouldn't have broken our rule."

"I didn't mean to!" Leo shouted, turning toward the cot and grunting at the sight of Donnie lying completely still. His chest rose and fell rhythmically, occasionally matching the beeping of his heart monitor. "Ugh… I need sleep."

"You need more than that." Donnie's voice claimed, spooking Leo into looking to his right. "When was the last time you ate anything?"

As if proving the softshell's point, Leo's stomach growled like a ravenous bear.

"Kinda hard to worry about that when I have a team to care for." Leo muttered, looking down for a second and huffing as he looked up to find Donnie gone once more. "Agh, make this stop!"

"Leo?" Mikey asked, drawing his brother out of his loud tirade. "Are you okay?"

"Uh, y-yeah! Yeah, I'm okay. Just… tired." Leo replied. "And… upset. I'm sorry for scaring you. Now and then."

Mikey nodded, keeping a distance between himself and Leo. "I saw Casey heading towards your room. Is he staying the night?"

Leo nodded, huffing quickly. "Call his mother and tell her. I would, but you know she doesn't like me."

"O-okay." Mikey nervously replied. "You'll get some sleep after I do that, right?"

"Sure, sure." Leo curtly responded.

With a frown, Mikey moved to say something else, but stopped upon hearing Raph grumble something nearby. "Fine. Just try not to stay up too late. You deserve rest too."

Leo smiled, chuckling at his baby brother's concern. "Alright, you've tugged my tail. I'll get some sleep."

Mikey beamed at the statement, wagging his tail as he turned and left to call Cassandra. Once Mikey was gone, Leo groaned and ran a hand down his face, pulling his mask down around his neck.

"How do you know if you're a bad leader?" Leo asked after a few seconds of silence. He didn't expect an answer, but by God did he want one. "Because it feels like I'm the biggest damn example of one."

"That seems like more of a Raph question." Came Donnie's reply. The voice that Leo now knew was fake, but was more than ready to pretend was real.

"Yeah, but YOU'RE the one in a coma right now." Leo snapped. "Good leaders don't let their teams fall apart like this. Don't get their kids involved in relationship drama, don't break important rules that KEEP THEIR FAMILIES SAFE!"

Donnie stayed silent, much to Leo's dismay.

"I don't know what to do right now, Dee. I have the flesh of a villain's blood under my claws and between my fangs, and his blood is mixed with yours on my hands, even after they were washed!" Leo buried his head in his hands with a whimper. "My son blames himself for your injuries, his mother hates me, Mikey is scared of me, and Raph is probably trying to come up with some sort of lecture worse than anything he's ever given in his entire life!"

"What am I, chopped liver?" April asked as she sauntered up to Leo. Her brother's hisses were promptly ignored, and she let out a breath of relief as they were replaced with sobs when she hugged Leo. "You have to stop doing this to yourself. It's making you completely unhinged."

"I just wanted to be a decent leader. Someone useful to this team for once." Leo cried. "And what do I get for it but a brother who almost died."

April shushed Leo and sat them both down on the floor, holding him close and encouraging him to listen to her heartbeat until he calmed down. "No one's perfect, Leo. And Donnie could have gotten hurt under anyone's leadership; you gotta remember that."

"I know that, April! I know that it was an unfair fight! I know that Hypno had a stupid advantage! But it's just so hard to accept!" Leo sobbed. "I can't just move on and say that I forgive myself, because I don't, and I'm so scared that I never will!"

April frowned, running her hand along Leo's shell and sighing. "I can't say that you will, hon. All I can say is that we'll have to hope that time will help you heal."

Leo shuddered, snuggling closer to April and opening his mouth to say something more.

"DAD! DAD! DADDY!" Casey shouted, rushing into the med bay and practically tackling both April and Leo onto their backs.

"AGH! CASEY! WE NEED TO BREATHE!" April gasped, waiting for her sort-of-nephew to back up before letting out a loud breath. "What was that about?!"

"I had a nightmare!" Casey replied, hugging Leo with as much force as possible. "We were fighting that villain again, and I was looking for dad to make sure he was okay, but I couldn't find him anywhere!"

"Oh, Case." Leo whispered, wiping a bit of sweat soaked hair out of Casey's face.

"I was so scared that the villain had… that he had…" Casey couldn't finish his sentence, clearly too upset to do so. "Please… don't let him hurt you… please don't go off without us so we can't help you. Not again."

"I won't, Casey. I promise." Leo assured.

"With all your heart?"

"To the moon and back."

Casey smiled and sniffled, nuzzling against Leo's chest with a shuddering breath. "Tell me your story to chase away nightmares?"

Leo nearly burst into tears again then and there. Even as someone a year younger than him, Casey still seemed so innocent. He saw Leo as a hero, someone who could chase away those ugly monsters and fight off the demons that plagued everyone's mind. It was a lot to ask of a teen, but if it made Casey feel safe, then so be it.

"Once upon a time, there was a young boy who was born in a land of peril…"

#RotTMNT #Rise of the TMNT #Fanfic #Oof #It's Been a While #Since I've Written #And Angst at That #I Hope Y'all Like This #My Fingers Hurt

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saeishiro · 2 years

Text

Act IV

the adeptus of guili plains and his lifelong regret.

word count: 1010 words

!!: hurt no comfort in the fic, angst

xiao hadn't visited you since then.

some time had passed. xiao wasn't exactly aware of how much. he didn't want to think, didn't really want to remind himself that you were laying, lifeless, because of him.

he blamed himself.

why didn't he go there quicker? why didn't he trust his instincts? why did he let himself harm another person again? why was it you? why was it the only person in the world that looked at him as xiao?

his love didn't make you immortal or anything. you still were human, and he dared to forget that.

xiao had many regrets. that he wasn't there for the yakshas. wasn't there for rex lapis. but not returning to you, not being able to save you? that was definitely his biggest one.

more time passed.

it was on a day like the one he met you that he heard the familiar sound of your footsteps.

xiao had drowned himself in his duty. he didn't eat much anymore, barely stopping at all to rush to another hilichurl camp, to wipe out a ruin hunter, or maybe even save some citizen. he was always finding excuses to do something as long as it didn't involve being at wangshu inn.

he was trying to avoid you and being near to you.

'xiao?'

the chime of a celestial bell. it was your voice.

leave, please. get away from me. i don't want to hurt you. we were never meant to be.

'[.],' xiao stated flatly.

'you sound distant. how long have i been asleep for?' you sounded shocked.

'long enough.' xiao didn't look at you. he couldn't. a maelstrom of guilt rose in him. he hurt the person he cared most about.

he was never worthy of anything, and this was just a painful reminder.

he was weak.

'why don't you look at me, xiao?' you sounded genuinely hurt.

'i can't.'

'what did you say?'

'[.], i can't.' everything began to spill out of xiao. pent up guilt, pent up anger, pent up regret, pent up sadness. 'we were never meant to be. can't you see that i'm an adeptus? i'm the vigilant yaksha, someone who isn't human. someone who will just serve their duty until they die.

'you're fragile and mortal. you always have been. i thought you were strong, but maybe not that much so. why did i have such faith in you? i thought you could defeat the ruin guard easily.' xiao laughed bitterly, a hoarse harsh sound, like a knife scraping against glass.

you recoiled physically at that.

'my yaksha duties are beyond your mortal comprehension. you can never understand my insight in the world. here's what i think of the world. it's disgusting. all it's ever done is to hurt me. they sent me the yakshas, rex lapis, and you. your hurt hurt me. i don't care for how beautiful you think the world is. looking at you is a reminder of the pain i've felt, all throughout my life.'

xiao had finally turned around. he saw the hurt bloom across your face. he continued talking.

'i can't believe i ever genuinely loved you. if i hadn't, it would've saved both you and me so much trouble. we couldn't be together. your getting injured was just a sign from the gods.' xiao's mouth felt bitter and dirty. he knew full well the consequences of his words. but hurting you emotionally was much better than putting your life on the line everyday by being with him. 'go before you cause pain for me and you.'

'i hate you, [.].'

xiao turned before he could try to apologise. he saw the tears rolling down your face, the shock that seemed to echo throughout your body, and he took off to the skies.

a singular tear traced an uneven line down his face.

when he returned, he was relieved and disappointed to see you gone.

xiao wanted to apologise, to make amends, but he didn't ask where you were, or try to find you.

he couldn't decide if he was a coward or if he was strong.

you'd be much safer without him to poison you with his karmic debt.

he still regretted breaking yours and his heart like that.

xiao had taken to following you as you lived your daily life.

you were a ray of sunlight, darting about liyue. today you were in liyue harbour. he watched you, almost happy as you talked to some familiar faces and seemed happy and safe.

ever since you left, his thoughts of you never ended. every moment was spent thinking of you. the bright sky, the vibrant sun, rolling plains - of that day he met you. xiao dreams about truly holding you, truly being with you. he knew you loved him, he saw it when you two were together, he felt so warm from your gentle gaze, eyes softening for him and him alone.

xiao would forever choose you over him. every part of you. and he had. however, he still has to convince himself every day that breaking your heart was the correct thing to do, the best thing for you. why was what he felt important? being with him would only make you realise how short your life is, how unworthy he was. it would make you realise that you should never have thrown your life away for him. how that now that you had fallen for an adeptus, you would fear death. life would be painful for you, more so, every day.

he had told you all those things that he knew would hurt you that day so you would leave him behind.

xiao was barely content to have the two of you just staying as you were, as you are. no matter how he feels, his urge to hold you, kiss you, that is all irrelevant. even if there are days when he feels like he will die without your touch. he doesn't matter, at least not as much as you.

despite all this, he dreams that one day he can embrace you wholeheartedly.

#xiao #adeptus xiao #xiao genshin impact #genshin xiao #xiao x reader #xiao x you #xiao x y/n

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zoomingupthathill-moved · 2 years

Note

"It's not your fault." He came to her in a dream. A nightmare. Like always. Through the roots digging into her mind Billy could reach, with what little of his own was left, to try and reach her from behind a replica of himself berating: "You were smiling." "Don't listen to him Max," Billy cried out, his voice barely a whisper's echo compared to: "You stood there and watched and you fucking smiled!" "--please it's not your fau--" "YOU DESERVE TO--" "Max that's not true that's not true I'm so so sorry--" "I SAVED YOUR FUCKING LIFE YOU WORTHLESS SHIT! I WISH YOU HAD JUST--" Billy sobbing, behind Billy screaming, begged his little sister, "Please, please wake up Max I love you please wake up wake up please Max wake up PLEASE--"

It was always when her eyes were closed, she relived that night. Every night. The moment she tried to get some sleep, the moment her eyes grew heavy, slowly shutting. Billy was there. "No..No I wasn't." She whispered, hearing the small echo, she tried to tune out the yelling. Tried to latch onto the whisper, that was what she wanted to hear. Not the lies, not the blasphemy that was coming from -- who was it coming from? Billy couldn't truly believe this right? His echo said he didn't, but he was saying he did..-- She was confused, in pain, guilt eating away at her. "I didn't, I didn't. -- I swear. I'm so sorry Billy. I should have tried harder, I should have..." The red head trailed off as she heard the smaller voice. What was happening? Who was trying to reach out? "stop please stop.. I didn't mean to let you die. I should have stopped it, I should have jumped in front of you. I'm sorry." Max was fighting with her head, with the two different voices, they were similar, but one was smaller, quieter. It was the one she wanted to listen to.

'Wake up, wake up, please Max...' it kept playing over and over. As she tried to drown out anything else. Wake up Max, listen to the voice. Get out of this dream, out of this nightmare. Wake the hell up Max. Finally , her body jolted awake, fingers going to grasp the bed sheets. Her breathing ragged, sweat dripping down her forehead. Eyes dilated with fear. "B-billy... I am so sorry." She whispered. Moving to hug the blanket to herself. Tears freely falling down her cheeks. "It's all my fault, I am so sorry.. So , so , so sorry.." The girl was now sobbing, the nightmare felt so real. He was there, yelling at her, but also trying to let her know she didn't do anything. Which one was right? Which one should she trust?

Looks like it's going to be another sleepless night.

#anonymous #;answered asks #;meme I think?#;I AM DEAD #;YOU HAVE KILLED ME #;Ily though #like give me more feels #all the feels

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mindofasupernova · 3 years

Text

Someone you loved

Kaz Brekker x reader

Mr. Sandman Part 2

Inspired by the song "Someone you loved" by Lewis Capaldi

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me

This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy

Kaz's mind was a raging storm, an ever-shifting landscape. His heart was madly racing and he feared that if it didn't stop soon, it'll burst out of his chest.

Two days had gone by and yet there was no information about Y/N's whereabouts. No one had made an effort to contact him asking for money in exchange for her safety, no blackmail, nothing. Kaz knew the probability of Y/N being alive was shrinking as the days passed.

Kaz felt terrible, guilt crushed his heart in a vicious grip. If he hadn't kicked her out, if he had taken back his words, if he had just... No, thinking about what ifs wouldn't bring Y/N back home. If she's still alive a cruel voice whispered in the back of his mind.

His mind drifted to his darkest memories, horrible images plagued his mind. Rotting flesh beneath his fingers, icy hands grabbing at him, threatening to pull him under the waves. Water filled his lungs, consuming his oxygen and living him in the dark. His head broke the water, gasping for air, Kaz looked around, trying to find something, anything to grab to avoid drowning. Only that now instead of his brother's corpse, he saw Y/N's limp body floating above the water.

Kaz fell to his knees, the pain brought him back to reality. He was trembling, sharp gasps left his body, black dots covered his vision. Y/N would have told him to focus on reality, take in the details, count every little object he could find in the room. But Y/N wasn't here, and it was all his fault.

___________

I need somebody to heal, somebody to know

Somebody to have, somebody to hold

Y/N talked passionately about her latest read, making wild gestures with her hands as if to prove a point. Jesper's arm was slung across her shoulder, head thrown back in a laughing fit. When his cackles died down, Jesper leaned his head on Y/N's shoulder and started mocking her for being able to remember the exact place where phrases were in the book.

Kaz watched silently from his seat in the Crow Club, he knew those touches were purely friendly gestures, and still he couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy.

On many sleepless nights, Kaz thoughts had wandered down a treacherous path, always finding their way to Y/N. His mind had been invaded by images of her: the smile she always wore when she was about to make a witty comment, the way she pursed her lips whenever he asked her to memorize an important document, the furrow of her brows when paying close attention to Kaz's plans.

He snapped out of it, angry at himself for thinking about her, he couldn't afford those thoughts. Kaz's life was dangerous and he had many enemies who wouldn't hesitate to use anything or anyone against him. If he left himself feel, if he let her in, he knew there was nothing he wouldn't do for her.

He had tried. He had tried to distance himself, push her away until his feelings dissipated to nothing. However, every time Y/N appeared in his office late at night just to talk about her day, every time she called his name, every time she sent a glorious smile his way, Kaz couldn't bring himself to say no.

And now, looking at Y/N from across the room, a sense of longing clouded his vision. Thoughts of sitting next to her, no space between their bodies, with no fear of touching reminded him of how miserably he had failed.

____________

It's easy to say, but it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Since Y/N's kidnapping, Kaz had gone completely feral. He had looked for anyone who could provide information. He had kidnapped, tortured, and even killed members of any other gangs he had his suspicions on. He was unstoppable, he wouldn't rest until his Y/N was safe. She isn't even yours because you kicked her out a scornful voice reminded him.

Kaz's whole body hurt, his limp was more prominent than usual, his knuckles were bloodied and a purplish bruise contrasted against his pale skin from a blow he had taken when he was beating the life out of one of the Dime Lion's informants.

How he wished Y/N was there. No matter how many times he came back to the Slat, covered in blood and clutching at his wounds, Y/N's gaze always turned into one of horrified worry.

Y/N had always healed his wounds after a mission, wiping the blood away very carefully in order not to touch his skin. Even when he wasn't bleeding and it was just his leg giving him a bad day or a headache that refused to leave him, Y/N always brought him medicine or tea depending on the situation.

But Y/N was gone and he might not ever see her again. His thoughts lurched him back to the ocean, dead things suffocated him. He clutched his cane tighter, he couldn't have a panic attack now, he needed to find Y/N.

_______

Now the day bleeds into nightfall

And you're not here to get me through it all

The night wrapped the dirty streets of Ketterdam in its wicked hold, the moon loomed ahead casting a palish glow through Kaz's window. Another day had passed and he was no closer to finding Y/N.

He was alone in his office, clutching his cane tighter by the second, its sharp edges bruising his skin, and yet, the pain wasn't enough to keep the waters from rising, Y/N's form surrounded by corpses.

No, he couldn't think of her this way. He had to remain positive, he needed to hope Y/N was still alive somewhere, but for someone like Kaz, remaining positive wasn't something he strived on. Instead, Kaz looked inside his brain, searching for a memory of Y/N to avoid passing out and when he found it, he seized it and hung to it for dear life.

Kaz had heard people say love arrived at the most unexpected times, bloomed in the most unlikely places. People said love wasn't something you chose, something you could control, not a concept you could welcome or shut out of your life at your convenience.

Kaz deemed those people foolish, weak for not being able to control themselves, and as the cold mastermind he was, Kaz brushed off all of their comments. And he would have kept thinking that way if it hadn't been for Y/N during a warm summer evening.

The Crow Club was surprisingly empty, everyone was in a relaxed state, currently resting after a successful heist. Kaz had been working in his office, signing contracts when a soft knock sounded against his door, Y/N peered inside and after receiving Kaz's consent, stepped through the threshold.

Y/N sat in front of his desk, a small smile playing on her face, ensued by a moment of silence, Y/N started talking. Kaz's head perked up at the sound of her voice, eyes leaving the papers to direct his whole attention to her but he had been completely caught off guard by the sight before him.

Y/N's mouth was moving but Kaz's couldn't hear a thing, it was as if someone had stolen the sound so he could only focus on Y/N's heavenly form.

Y/N's hair was slightly disheveled, gusts of wind occasionally brushing lonely strands into different directions, soft locks swishing in compass with a nonexistent melody. Sunset rays filtered through the window, lighting up Y/N's features. Sunlight beams fell gently down the slope of her nose, gently caressed her long lashes, and kissed her tender lips giving them a reddish hue.

At that moment, Kaz realized how dreadfully unjust the world was. How come was the wind able to run his breezy fingers across her beautiful hair? How could the rain brush her skin lovingly without repelling at the idea of skin contact? Why could the Sun kiss her graceful lips and he couldn't?

Kaz wanted to hold her, reach for her whenever he wanted without fear of drowning. He wanted to hug her and nuzzle his nose in her hair affectionately. He wanted to know what her skin felt like under his fingertips. Kaz wanted to know the taste of her lips.

Because he was in love with her.

________

I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

Y/N laid immobile in his bed, her skin almost as pale as his sheets, soft breaths escaped her lungs. Kaz sat in a chair near her fragile body, his frown deepened every time his eyes landed on a different wound.

Kaz felt like in a déjà vu, a vision that had happened exactly three weeks ago. This was the reason why Kaz had pushed her, why he had evicted her from the Slat, the one home she had ever known. But did it matter? All his efforts to keep her safe had been in vain.

That fateful night, when she had been the distraction in a supposed easy heist, everything had come tumbling down. The nightmares had started back then, where he first saw her all bloodied and beaten and unconscious. They didn't know if she would ever wake up. Kaz had refused to visit her, images of his nine-year-old self seeing her amongst the corpses in the Reaper's Barge haunted his days.

When she had woken up he'd wanted to see her, but he couldn't bring himself to because he knew what he had to do. Kaz couldn't bear the thought of her dying, he couldn't imagine her gone, but if he gave her hope, if she saw how much he cared, she would refuse to leave. He needed her to stay away for her safety

So he had done that, he had ruthlessly yanked his heart out of his chest when he had kicked her out. The words he had said to her tortured him since that day: "Do not think that just because I have kept you around for this long you're irreplaceable." And when he thought he couldn't feel more pain, Y/N had started crying. Silent droplets fell down her cheeks and Kaz felt as if the most savage assassin had ripped his heart into shreds.

I let my guard down and then you pulled the rug

I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

Seating there, silently watching Y/N's closed eyes, he was experiencing it all again. When they had found her she had been tied to a chair, unmoving, in one of the Dime Lion's warehouses. He swore his heart had stopped beating, she couldn't be dead, when Nina had checked for her heartbeat and announced it was still there, Kaz's heart reanimated.

Nina had done her best to heal her and now the only thing there was to do was wait until she woke up. This time Kaz had refused to leave her bedside. This time he would do things differently.

He had been a coward, he now realized. He should have never let her go. He should have been braver, stronger, he should have protected her. Now he realized he wanted, no, needed her with him. He had been too scared worrying for the future that he had forgotten to enjoy the present. He wouldn't make that mistake again.

"Kaz?"

His head shot back to Y/N. She was awake, she was alive and he would never let her go.

And with such a fervent emotion, he couldn't have thought himself capable of expressing, he said "Please, don't ever leave me again. "

Thanks for the song recommendation @itsemy01

Taglist:

@getawayfrommewerewolf, @lady1505, @rika90, @thedelusionreaderbitch, @coffeewithoutcaffeine, @aleksanderwh0r3, @princessleah129, @subjecta13-thefangirl

#shadow and bone #kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #kaz brekker imagine #six of crows

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msmarvelwrites · 3 years

Text

Almost Is Never Enough

Summary: Ever since Steve had come out of the ice all those years ago, his only goal had been to get back to Peggy Carter. A home that was waiting and forgetting him all at once. But that doesn't make it any easier to watch him go.

Pairing: Steve x reader

Warnings: Angst, angst, just a little bit of angst, fluff, language.

Word Count: 2.4k

Authors Note: Thank you to the wonderful @remmiesour for this request. It’s been a decade, but I finally got around to it! I’ve never written for Steve and honestly I didn't think I ever would but, famous last words I guess! Enjoy!

Ever since Steve had come out of the ice all those years ago, his only goal had been to get back to her. A home that was waiting and forgetting him all at once. She was there, and if it was the last thing he did, he would be too.

So, when the opportunity presented itself, when he could actually find his long lost love, you already knew he had made the decision before the words fell from his lips.

You knew. But god, that didn't make it any easier.

You hadn’t meant for it to happen, falling in love with the world's most unavailable man. In every sense of the word, it was an accident.

And yet, there you stood, eyes trained on his face as he laughed with his friends. The sound ripping through you like it always did. For the past week you had been trying to memorize the sound. The way it filled the room, pulling smiles from everyone who heard it.

You hadn’t meant to fall in love with Steve Rogers, but that is exactly what you did.

“Ya know,�� Bucky’s gravely voice started behind you, pulling your attention away from Steve and towards his friend. “If you're planning on telling him, I’d do it now.”

You furrowed your brow at the brunette, a false confusion clouding your eyes. You shook your head, only pulling a scoff from his stubble framed lips.

“Don’t play that with me. I see the way you look at him.” He smiled softly, watching as your eyes flicked back to the godlike man.

Bucky was only trying to help. But in your case, you were just too late. You had your moment. Several if you were being honest. Steve deserved someone who wasn't afraid to tell him how they felt. Someone strong and brave.

Someone like Peggy Carter.

“I missed my chance.” You hummed, taking a sip from the bottle of stale beer in your hand. You grimised at the bitterness, the liquid courage doing nothing for your spirit. Only serving as a half assed reminder of what a coward you really were.

How many times had those three words almost fallen from your mouth? How many moments passed- longing stares and lingering touches? Surely too many to keep count. But it didn't change the truth.

He didn't love you, and he was leaving.

“I think that he deserves to know what he’s leaving behind.” Bucky whispers against your ear, the words pulling at your heart.

Only you and he knew the truth. Today was not a celebration of wins… It was a send off.

“He deserves to be happy.” You choked out, your eyes meeting Steves from across the room, his softening when he was your hollow form. You faked a smile, though it didn't fool the Captain as he began to make his way over to you.

“And what about you?” You snapped your head to meet Bucky, your eyes serious and tone stern.

“Stop it. Please.”

Bucky raised his hands in surrender, taking a step back as Steve approached you. His voice calling your name melted over you like honey in tea. So sweet, but always ready to burn if not careful.

You met his gaze, his blue eyes sparkling down at you, inviting you in. You could drown in the oceans of his iris, in fact, you had on many occasions. Tonight was no exception.

“Could I steal you away for a moment?” He asked, his voice cutting through your thoughts, coated in kindness.

The moment his eyes met yours, you were a goner. A mess from the second he said your name. It was pathetic, but then again, isn’t that what you were? Doomed from the first day he walked into your life, taking up every thought in your head.

“Of course.” You tried to smile, forcing it on your quivering lips. You hoped Steve didn’t notice, and of course, he didn’t. He never noticed. If he had, perhaps you wouldn’t be in this mess.

Steve pulled you along, hand in hand as he led your outside into the night. Darkness acting as a veil covering your hurt. Part of you wanted to scream. Needed it. Though, it wouldn’t do much now.

“Do you remember when we first met?” His question echoed around you, pulling you to the memory of your first encounter.

Of course you remembered. It replayed in your head like a broken record every night. A thousand ‘what if’s’ swirling around the memory.

The day he asked you to dance at one of Tony’s elaborate fundraisers for charity. He was like something out of a dream, the way he walked across that dance floor to you. The way his voice asked that daunting question. The way you swooned the moment his hands touched yours, pulling you in and spinning you around the room.

It all felt so distant now. As if you had made the entire thing up in your head.

Sometimes you wish you had.

“I remember you being a terrible dancer.” You joked, worrying on your bottom lip as Steve's laugh echoed around you.

“See, that's the problem. I don’t have much practice and I owe a dame a dance.” His words were sincere and yet dripped in venom. They cut you deep, poison darting straight to your heart.

“You want me to help you… Dance?” You tried not to let your face show how truly hollow you felt.

You had to force yourself not to cringe away when he took your hand, pulling you gently against his chest. You could have died right there, drowned in your own self loathing, overcome with jealousy for a woman who, at this very moment, was nothing more than a tombstone. She was gone, nothing but a memory and still- Steve picked her.

With a broken breath, you rested your hand on his shoulder, shivering at his touch. You should pull away, save yourself from the ache. But the way he held you- gently and with a foreign love you would never feel from Steve, your body stayed. You had wondered what it would be like. Wrapped up in his arms, your name on his mouth, his lips on your throat. You had imagined it more times than you cared to admit.

One dance couldn't hurt.

You let him take the lead, swaying you slowly into the night. His hand on your waist, guiding you to a silent melody.

“Ya know, there was a moment that I thought it might be us.” His words whispered against your neck, freezing you in time. You swore your veins turned to ice at the cruelty of his remark. All you could do was gape.

Steve pulled away to look at you, watching your face turn pale and eyes fill with tears.

“How could you- This is a bad idea. I can’t do this, Steve.” You choked out, horrified at how little your voice sounded. You hated how he made you feel, small and broken. If you were, it was only because he made you that way.

“I didn't mean to-”

“Didn't you? I respect myself too much to beg you to stay. But what the fuck, Steve? How can you stand there, one foot out the door and tell me that?” You were shattered, hand over your heart as if it might fall out at any moment. “I’ve followed you around like you were the sun. I’d do anything for you. But I won’t watch you walk away. Not when all that’s waiting for you is a ghost. I love you too much, and it breaks my heart that you can’t even consider that I could… That I might…”

“Y/n, baby, I’m so sorry. I just-” Your name fell from his lips like a plea, but you couldn't stand there and listen to him try to mend what was already so irreversibly broken.

“No- Just stop.” You blurted, turning away and pulling yourself from his grasp. “I’ve been second to her my whole life. I’m numb to it now. But don’t make excuses for your shitty decision. If you want to go, go.” With that, you pushed away from him, heading back to the party and away from the man who, come tomorrow, would be forever out of reach.

The next morning you woke up, eyes burning from the tears shed the night before and chest heavy with guilt.

Part of you knew there was a better way to say the things you did, but another part reveled in your cruelty. Basked in how dumbstruck Steve looked standing on the lawn. Maybe it was mean, but so was he.

It wouldn't matter for long. The afternoon sun was creeping in and soon he would be gone. Nothing but a distorted memory of a man you used to love. But at least he knew. At least when he laid beside his consolation prize he would remember you. Maybe he would hurt. You cringed at the idea.

No matter how much you wanted to hate Steve, your heart simply wouldn't allow it. That was the worst joke of all. You despised the man you loved.

Buck: He’s waiting for you…

You looked down at your phone on the bedside table, wiping away the tear that rolled down your cheek. You knew it was time. This was the moment that you had prepared for. But you made a promise last night- one you were far too petty to fall back on now.

Though even still, as the seconds lulled by, guilt began to eat away at your brain and before you knew it you were half way out the door. Your feet dragged you down the hall, forcing you to confront the horrible truth.

You knew he was gone before Bucky even spoke the words. His eyes filled with a sadness only you could know. Shoulders slumped as he struggled to hold his gaze. He shook his head, affirming your worst fears as Sam’s panicked voice broke through the tension.

“Get him back here!” He shouted, his tone filled with dread. It was torture to watch, unberable to feel.

A loud crackle erupted through the air almost knocking you off your feet. Through the piercing white flash, you saw a figure. If you didn't know any better you would have thought-

There, in all of his glory, was Steve Rogers. Perfect and untouched. Like a statue carved from marble.

All you could do was gape, hand over mouth as he stepped down the tarmac, a smile that could instill world peace plastered on his pink lips. Your whole body vibrated with nerves. Somewhere between anger and hope.

Your name fell from his lips, but you couldn't hear it over the hammering of your heart, your feet already carrying you across the field.

“What the hell are you-”

“It’s you, doll.” He beamed, his words only fueling a rage that was threatening to boil over the closer you got. “It’s always been you. I can't believe I didn't see it until-”

Your fist colliding with his stoney jaw cut him off before he could finish. You pushed against his, palms thrashing at his chest as he tried to fend you off. Of course, he could if he truly wanted to, you knew this.

“Y/n, just listen to me.” He begged, holding your wrists tight as you went to take another hit. You tried to yank yourself away from him, but it was no use. “I was stupid, doll. A complete idiot and I didnt see what was right in front of me. Tell me it’s not too late. Tell me I still have a chance.” Steve's eyes brimmed with tears as your heart thundered in your chest.

You could only blink, your mind racing between a thousand reasons to walk away. To close the chapter on your love with Steve for good. So why did you stay? As if it wasn't torture enough. As if he hadn't beaten your heart black and blue with his carelessness. You wanted to run, but amidst the broken shards of your heart was a naive girl desperate with hope. And so, with a half step, you closed the distance, taking the deadly plunge as your lips collided with his.

Steve drank you in, his mouth moulding to yours the instant you met. His hands wrapping around your waist and pulling you in until you arched back against him. Nothing in the world could have prepared you for how completely and irrevocably intoxicating he was. His presence over you melting you into a puddle before him.

Steve's tongue gently ran across your bottom lip pulling a gutteral shutter to wrack through your body. The taste of him permanently cemented into your mouth. It was the soft moan that escaped the back of his throat that finally did you in, buckling your knees as you held onto the soldier for dear life.

It wasn't until Sam’s voice echoed around you that you finally pulled away from Steve. Your body’s untwining as the rest of the world came back into focus.

“Does anyone want to tell me what the hell is going on? What is she talking about?” Sam shouted, pointing his finger at you exasperatingly.

“I- I… I don't…” Your words fell to the back of your throat, the memory of Steve’s lips ingrained in your skin. You couldn't think, much less form a coherent sentence as he looked down at you, that boyish grin plastered on his mouth. The way his eyes sparkled, tears filled with a longing you had seen many times, but never from him.

“Were you not coming back?!” Sam blurted abruptly causing Steve to snap his head in the falcons direction.

“No.” Steve spoke simply, his gaze returning to you. Eyes filled with an answer you had been wracking your brain for. “I could never leave my best girl.”

You scoffed, your gaze only leaving Steve’s for a moment. His words were kind, his lips intoxicating. But there was a nagging in your heart, pulling you from your dreamstate and back to reality.

“Best girl, huh?” You signed, leaning into him as you chased his touch. “I think I’m going to need you to prove that, Rogers.”

Steve chuckled, the low rumble vibrating through your chest. His smile seemed brighter than you’d ever seen, reassuring you that this was the only place he wanted to be. “For as long as I can, darling.”

#steve x reader #steve rodgers x reader #steve rogers #steve rodgers imagine #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #dark!steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x female reader

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ofhouseadama · 3 years

Note

Aaah so many to choose from but if you feel like it "I meant it when I said for better or for worse"

In the days following what happened -- they can't quite bring themselves to call it anything else, those forty-eight hours where it felt like their lives were totally upended, like everything had been thrown into question including their marriage and their lives -- they're quiet and uncertain around each other in a way they never have been before. Lorraine, not sure of what else to do, does her best to carry on as if nothing has changed.

It hasn't for her. Not really.

She's just finally found out what it's like to be on the other side of one of her more powerful visions. To be the one locked out of their spouse's head, unable to pull them back from the ledge until almost too late.

It's not the first time she almost died. Nor the first time she doubted if her gift would be able to save them.

But they lived.

And for her, for now, that's enough.

It might not be enough for Ed, who she catches staring at his hands as if waiting for the tremor to returns. Sometimes, it does, and he squeezes his fingers into fists until they stop shaking. But sometimes it won't, and his body floods with adrenaline, and he looks at her so helplessly that all she can do is wrap her arms around him and pray.

"I meant it when I said for better or for worse," she whispers during a particularly bad episode in his office, standing between his legs where he sits on the couch in front of a coffee table full of files and case notes, his forehead pressed against her belly.

He barks a laugh, dark and sardonic. "I don't think that's supposed to include attempted murder."

None of his blows with the sledgehammer really landed, but she supposes that's not the point.

"It wasn't you, Ed," she says, combing her fingers through his dark hair, her short fingernails scratching over his scalp. She knows all the ways to make him shiver, but it would be a cold comfort now, to take him to bed and try to reroute all his fear and shame and guilt into something else.

She doesn't want anything that happens in their bed to be associated with any of that.

"Oh, it was me," he replies, holding onto her waist like a drowning swimmer might cling to a buoy. "I just didn't know it was you. I wanted to kill her. I was going to kill her."

She knows which her he means. And in the end, it was Isla Kastner's hubris that led to her defeat. Hubris and... some warped mirror distortion that replaced in her heart what had once been love. Love, and private shame -- which for Father Kastner had been one in the same. How could a child raised to believe her existence to be a sin against God love God? Lorraine supposes. What is forbidden in the light will only languish in the dark.

Blinking up at her, Ed looks tormented. "How can you just... like nothing happened?"

How can you still love me?

"I still know you," she says, voice quiet and calm and steady. "I still love you." She frames his face with her hands. "You're still the man that I married."

"I hurt you," he whispers, eyes brimming with tears. It both rends her heart and comforts her, to think that this is his greatest shame -- that he might have hurt her.

No. Not really. Not in a way that will ache, even after it heals.

"Isla Kastner was... stronger than anyone or anything we've ever come up against. There was no guarantee we were going to defeat her. She very easily could have killed us both. But she didn't." She couldn't. It's easier to believe in God's plan for that night, those tumultuous hours, now that they both have survived. She thinks God will forgive her for that.

"She thought our love was our weakness," he repeats to her, verbalizing the words she had pressed into his head.

"She miscalculated," she says, agreeing. Then, she tilts his head up, capturing his chin between her thumb and forefinger. "I would drag you back from hell myself if I had to."

It's a promise, she thinks very hard, and thinks he gets the message.

There's nowhere they wouldn't follow each other.

"I always knew you were the stronger one of the two of us," he answers, brushing his thumbs over the crests of her pelvis through her skirt, mapping the familiar terrain of her body.

She could roll her eyes at him, but she doesn't.

Wiping away his tears, she climbs into his lap, fitting her legs over his and wrapping an arm around his shoulders to keep herself balanced. She smiles as he performs his part this familiar piece of domestic choreography, winding his arms around her and pulling her close.

"You hauled me back up over the edge of a cliff with one arm two weeks after a heart attack. Let's call it a draw."

#ask #dreasdreams #the conjuring #ed warren #lorraine warren #fic #mine #emily watches the conjuring #lored #otp: i forgot my pills

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blindingdutchy · 3 years

Text

lamentation | ONE

{peter parker x fem!reader AU}

based on All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven

SERIES MASTERLIST

word count: 2,725

warnings: thoughts of suicide! unsuccessful attempt! depression, grief, angst

18+!!! minors stay away! TRIGGER WARNING.

Nothing made sense anymore. The world was upside down, all messed up, and you were hanging by a thread. How could it have been a year since the incident? How could you be okay with being older than her now?

Grief is something that nobody expects to be easy, but you never expected it to be quite so hard. Every day people promised that tomorrow would be better, but it never was. It never got better. It never got easier. You were fairly sure it never would, because if it still hurt this bad after thirteen months, twenty-two days, and six hours, how could one more hour, day, month, or year bring any sort of respite?

It couldn't. It wouldn't. Sometimes you wondered if this was your punishment. Maybe you felt this way because you deserved to, because you had earned a life time of suffering when you let her die. Sure, big sisters are supposed to look out for little sisters, but at the cost of their life? That couldn't go unpunished.

Every day was the same since she died. Wake up, wish you hadn't, feel everything and nothing all at once, and go to sleep. It was a strange and horrible existence; people weren't meant to feel so many big things at the same time. The guilt, the shame, the anguish, the longing... it consumed every part of you like a black hole until you were left with nothing. Until you felt nothing, thought nothing, you were nothing.

They were all the same until today. It was your birthday, your eighteenth birthday to be exact, and for once that ever present black hole in your chest was gone. Instead of waking up to the constant weight of all those heavy emotions on your shoulders, you woke up with the familiar numb emptiness you felt at the end of every day.

There weren't words to describe how much that terrified you. Every single day since your sister died, you'd wished endlessly for those painful feelings to go away. You'd begged for relief, for peace, and you'd taken solace in the hollow of the evenings. Waking up already vacant and listless did not bring the comfort you dreamed of.

You were officially older than her. You'd finally reached that first milestone she'd never reach, and the thought of it punched a hole in your chest so large you wondered if there was anything left of you at all. It wasn't fair--how could you celebrate the big ticket birthday she'd yearned for so anxiously? You couldn't.

You didn't deserve to celebrate. You didn't deserve to achieve all those goals she never had the chance to. You didn't deserve to live through all the years, experiences, moments that she never would. You didn't deserve to live.

It was all your fault, after all. It was your fault that she was there that day, it was your fault she lingered behind, and it was your fault she died. If you'd just gone shopping like she'd asked instead of insisting on going to the park, she'd still be here. If you hadn't frozen like an idiot, she'd still be here.

With a mind swimming with all the reasons everything would be better if you just weren't around anymore, you snuck out of your bedroom window. It was finally dark outside; you'd managed to make it through the day for your parents. But, with the day over, you couldn't hold on any longer.

The letter you'd written for your parents to find was tucked under your pillow, and with one final glance around the bedroom you used to share with your sister, you made peace with your life. This was for the best. Everyone would be so much better off if it had been you instead of her, and now you were going to make things right. It wouldn't bring her back, but at least you wouldn't be there as a reminder of what should have been.

As ready as you were, you didn't really have a plan. There were a million possibilities as far as how you could execute your desires, but none of them seemed right. It had to be fast, though, and something that didn't require much work. If it took effort, conscious thought and execution, you wouldn't follow through. You'd learned that the last time.

That was how you ended up on the roof of one of the more swanky apartment complexes. It was a tall building, taller than those surrounding it, and a fall from that height would surely do the trick. Strangely, the moment your feet dangled over the ledge with your bottom firmly planted in place, your mind went blank.

All those thoughts of the stress and pain you caused went silent, and you finally could breathe. With a deep exhale, your body relaxed for the first time since the incident; you didn't feel any of the bad things anymore. There was no pain, no grief, no sadness, nor were there any of those empty or numb feelings. You just felt peace.

The peace was short lived as you looked down to the street far below, though. This was it, this was the end, and suddenly your mind was racing with all the what if's. What if it could get better? What if it didn't work? What if this made everything worse? What if this was a mistake?

What if, what if, what if, "Whatever, just shut up." you gasped, clutching your head in your hands to keep it from spinning. "Get it together, (Y/N), this is the right thing to do."

Pulling out the letter you'd written to your sister, you opened it and cried for the first time in months. You'd long ago stopped crying; despite how many horrible things you'd been feeling, the tears just never came. But reading the words you'd written to her, thinking of her as you came to terms with your decision to join her, it was as if a metaphorical flood gate opened.

Thirteen months, twenty-two days, and seven hours. You couldn't wait any longer. You couldn't do it, do anything, anymore; you just needed to rest. The clock was running out, and your time was up.

"You can do this." you whispered, "For once in your life, do something right."

With shaky hands and weak knees, you scrambled up onto your feet and stood atop the ledge. You weren't that tall, but somehow the new perspective made the drop look so much longer and your stomach heaved with fright. Sobbing, you stumbled back to your knees and threw up the little bit of cake you'd forced yourself to eat earlier that evening.

You wiped the sick from your mouth and stood up again, this time with panting gasps for air and knees that shook so violently you feared you might fall before you were ready to. Maybe that would have been for the best, though, because the longer you looked down the more doubts you had. No one would ever know it was an accident if that were the case.

A sudden noise behind you startled you, and your heart seized in your chest as your knees gave out and you tipped dangerously over the edge. You didn't fall, though, because a sticky substance latched around your arm and dragged you back over until you were laying on the roof. For a moment you just laid there, staring up at the empty sky where the stars were all drowned out by the city lights, and you tried hard to figure out what had just happened.

"Are you okay? Oh--oh my god, are you hurt? What were you thinking? Shit, oh shit, Karen, what do I do?" A masked head leaned over your face, blocking the starless sky from your view, and all the feelings came flooding back like a tsunami. "Um, can you hear me?"

One feeling stood out against the current, and your body tensed as you were overcome with seething, white hot rage. An anger like you'd never felt before; you were furious. How dare he stop you? How dare he ruin everything?

It was Spiderman, the friendly neighborhood hero who'd been gallivanting around Queens for some time now, and that made you even angrier. Spiderman was one of them, one of the ridiculous superheroes who'd killed your sister without a single care in the world. He was one of them, and he'd just stopped you from finally fixing everything they had ruined.

You stood so fast you nearly threw up again, but you swallowed the bile down and hissed, "You should have let me fall. I wanted to fall."

Spiderman pulled you back with a firm grip on the web that was still wrapped around your arm, stopping you in your tracks as you stomped back toward the ledge. "Hey, stop! I'm not going to let you do this." he shouted, but his voice was more nervous than commanding.

"Get out of here, Spiderman. You're not saving the day by stopping me, okay?" you snapped fiercely. No matter how hard you pulled against the webbing holding you back, you couldn't break free. It didn't budge when you pulled at it, clawed at it, or even pried it. "What the hell is this shit?"

He pulled you in further, and you stumbled over your feet as you tried to keep your distance. "I'm not going to let you do this. You don't need to do this." he repeated, this time more firmly.

For a moment you were silent, studying the masked hero as he stared back at you with a hidden face. "You don't even know me. Why do you care?" you tried again, but your voice was softer, more fragile. The numbness was creeping back in again and you knew that you wouldn't be able to follow through anymore, even if he let you go.

"I do know you, (Y/N), and you don't need to do this. We can--I can help you. Let me help you."

Your eyebrows furrowed as you narrowed your eyes suspiciously. How the hell did he know your name? Did you know him? Even though your mind was running wild with unanswered questions, you seethed, "You can't help me. Unless you can go back in time and kill me instead of my sister, you can't fucking help me."

The eyes of his mask widened at your shout, and he stammered, "I--no, I can't do that, but I can help you. I can be your friend, you... you can talk to me. I know what it's like to lose someone, (Y/N)."

You scoffed, "Do you know what it's like to watch a family member die right in front of you? Do you know what it's like to see someone get killed, and it's all your fault? You can't help me!"

"I do, actually." he stated.

Your entire body slumped at the revelation, the anger leaving you as the numbness finally took over completely. It was silent for a few long moments as you cried noiselessly, the only sounds being those of your still frantic breathing and the bustling traffic far below. "If you know, then you know why I have to do it." you whimpered.

Spiderman dropped the web keeping you in place as you collapsed onto your butt, your legs too weak to support you anymore from exhaustion. "I know why you think you have to, but I also know why you're wrong. This isn't the answer." he responded, tentatively taking a few steps closer to you.

You didn't respond, looking up at him as you wiped your cheeks and nose weakly, and he took the chance to continue, "I'm going to make you a deal. I'm going to take my mask off and show you who I am. If you still want to do it after, fine, but at least you'll know who will be blaming themselves afterwards."

True to his word, his fingers creeped under the edge of his mask as he stared you down intensely. Your breath faltered as you watched, completely still as you realized he was serious. Spiderman was going to reveal his identity to you, and you knew that once he did it was game over. As much as you felt the world would be better off without you, you couldn't bare the thought of leaving someone behind to feel the way that you did.

So, stubbornly, you squeezed your eyes shut tightly and refused to look. "I'll wait here all night if I have to. Besides, I could just say my name, you know. I'm pretty sure you know me too."

"Don't." you pleaded.

"Open your eyes, (Y/N). You want this, right? Knowing who I am shouldn't change anything, then." he urged, his tone soft despite his harsh words. "It's Peter. Peter Parker. I've sat behind you in at least two classes since freshman year, and I've lent you pencils before. You always give them back, and you always let Flash copy your homework even though he's a total dick to you. You--"

Your eyes snapped open as you cut him off, "Stop! Just because you know things about me doesn't mean you know me."

It really was Peter Parker, and the numbness faded a little to make room for anxiety and guilt. You knew Peter had lost too much in his life; his parents and his uncle, too. Could you add your name to that list? Could you jump when you knew he'd blame himself for the rest of his life?

You couldn't. You wouldn't. Peter's brown eyes were filled with worry and sadness as he studied you, his mask clutched tightly in his fist. When you remained silent, he sat down and spoke quietly, "I know enough to know the world would suck without you. I could be your friend, you know, you don't have to do this alone."

"I don't need friends." you huffed.

Peter frowned briefly, before rubbing his nose and hiding it again. "I did just tell you my biggest secret, (Y/N), so I think we kind of have to be friends now." he finally rebutted, a faint twinge of humor in his voice, "You might not want friends, but you do need one. I'll be your friend."

You stared back at Peter blankly, uncaring as he shifted uncomfortably in your silence. Why did he want to be your friend? He already got what he wanted. You weren't going to go through with your plan, and he wouldn't have to live with guilt like you did every day. So, why was he still here?

Part of you wanted to believe he really cared, because he seemed to pay a lot of attention to you to notice the little things you did, but you knew better. He didn't really care about you. He only cared that you knew his secret and now you had leverage over him. You could out him if you wanted to, and that meant he had to keep tabs on you.

"I don't need friends." you repeated stiffly, "Don't worry, Parker. Your secret is safe with me."

His eyes widened as he stammered, "That's not--"

"Save it, Peter. Can you please just get this shit off of me so I can go home? I want to go to bed." you cut him off with a deep sigh, gesturing to the web that was still hanging from your arm.

He looked like he wanted to argue, to further plead his case, but after a few moments he visibly wilted and gave in. "It'll dissolve in two hours. I'll... I'll see you at school, (Y/N)."

It was a statement, but it sounded more like a question. You knew he was still hesitant to let you out of his sight, fearful that you'd go back on your word and follow through, and this was his way of confirming you wouldn't do just that. Achingly stretching up off the ground, you muttered, "Yeah. Bye, Peter."

Peter tugged his mask back over his head, but didn't make any move to leave until you were opening the door that lead back into the building. As you stepped through the threshold he gave a forlorn wave, before jumping over the ledge and swinging away. The door shut behind you as the weight of the world settled on your shoulders once again. You'd failed, like always.

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hot-wiings · 3 years

Text

It's My Birthday :)

The One Where Your Used To Getting Neglected On Your Birthday Due To It Being So Close To Christmas.

Edited: 12-13-2020

You didn't know what you expected. Upon waking up you had immediately checked your phone. You had thought there might've been something, anything. A sign that somebody remembered or cared. A sign that your life had left a significant impact on someone. A sign that you mattered. Per usual, like every year, there was nothing.

After setting your phone down on your bed, you scrambled to get dressed in your UA school uniform before you picked your phone back up and made your way downstairs to the kitchen. Your parents didn't give you much thought or attention as you settled down in a chair across from them and poured yourself a bowl of cereal.

You waited to see if your parents would say something about the day. Something, anything. You had thought that perhaps, even if your friends didn't remember and send their best of wishes, your family would've at least remembered. They didn't, they never did. Instead of even trying to say something that you incite them to remember you began to eat your breakfast in silence, watching your parents talk to each other about how they were going to afford Christmas gifts this year.

"[Sibling Name] wants an iPad."

"Those are really expensive, how are we gonna afford it?"

"I don't know. She didn't even ask for it, she said she was gonna ask Santa for it because she didn't think we could afford it. Santa has to bring one now."

"We'll both have to pick up extra shifts. We'll manage. We always do."

You bit your lip as you heard your parents stress about money. You knew your parents had a hard enough time managing to scrounge up money for Christmas gifts, you didn't need to burden them by making a fuss over your birthday. Rarely did you get presents on your birthday, and scarce was cake, just the words happy birthday would be enough. It was enough to make you were content. You just wanted to be acknowledged. Acknowledged, and appreciated on the one day a year you should have the right to receive it.

"Can one of you give me a ride to school?"

Your mother hesitated before looking at the clock on the stove, shaking her head adamantly back and forth, she gave you a non-verbal no.

"No, it's too far, we'll be late for work. You'll have to walk, if you leave now you can get there on time."

You sighed, upset that you had to walk through the horrendous weather on your birthday, as you quickly slurped down your cereal milk and bolted to slip your snow boots and jacket on. After you tightly tied your scarf around your neck you grabbed your house keys and made your way to the door.

"Bye, I love you both."

They didn't respond, and you tried not to be bothered. They had busy lives. They had to provide for you and your siblings, not to mention somehow create a great Christmas. They couldn't always remember your birthday. They couldn't always drive you to school. They didn't always have time for you. You couldn't be selfish, you understood that, but it still hurt. You closed the door and made your way to UA. The cold winter air making you shiver as you slowly made your descent.

"[Y/N]! [Y/N]! Wait up!"

You had barely heard the soft voice of a girl yelling out to you. It was so soft, barely above a whisper, but slowly getting louder. You could pick her voice out of any loud crowd. It was the voice of someone who always brought a smile to your face, the voice that made your heart palpitate and beat faster. The voice of your crush, the voice of your friend's girlfriend.

Your steps faltered and you turned your head to see Ochako Uraraka running after you. Her short brown hair flew around her and her cheeks were rosy as ever from the cold as she sprinted to you. She grabbed onto your coat, nearly pulling you to the ground as she began to slip on ice. You grabbed her hip and waist to help steady her, though it was cold and you both couldn't tell, there was a blush settled on both your faces before you quickly pulled your hands away, letting her stand independently.

"Good morning."

"Good morning and happy birthday!"

She giggled the sentence out, and the blush stayed on your face as a beaming smile took over your lips. You avoided her eyes and played with your hands nervously. Of course, the one person to remember would be your friend's girlfriend. Your friend's girlfriend, whom you, guiltily, yearned for. She remembered your birthday. She remembered you. Sadly, regrettably, it brought you great joy.

"Thanks, wanna walk to school with me? Or were you waiting for Izuku?"

"Nope! I remembered you mentioned you walk to school, and I wanted to walk with you. It's your birthday, after all, you shouldn't be lonely."

You walked with the bubbly girl down the sidewalk, avoiding the more frozen spots and avoiding the heavier parts of snow. Ochako, slipped her hand into yours, trying to create warmth and making your heart skip a beat. She shouldn't be holding you like this, she's dating Izuku, your friend. You should've pulled away, but you couldn't. She kept her hand there until you reached the gates of UA.

"I got you something."

"Really?"

Your words drowned on her ears as she stopped walking and rummaged through her old school bag with nervous shaking hands to find the box she wrapped up pretty for you. She thrust it into your hands with a pink face.

"Seriously, Ochako, you didn't have to. I don't need a gift..."

"[Y/N]. You have to accept it. I got it just for you."

You kicked the snow as you took a deep breath. Did you want the gift? Yes. Did you need the gift? No. You shouldn't get gifts for your birthday, it was just placed in an unfortunate time of the year. It was a fate you accepted. You wanted to accept your pretty friend's gift, but it didn't feel right. The lingering feelings you felt for her when she had a boyfriend wasn't right. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair.

"I-I know how stressful money can be around the holidays, you can return it, get something for Izuku for Christmas. He's your boy-boyfriend isn't he?"

"What? No! Izuku's my best friend."

As another giggle graced your ears you grinned. You couldn't lie that hearing her say those words brought joy to yourself. For so long you'd thought they were together. They ate lunch together, studied, sparred. They were practically attached at the hip, you were sure she was dating him. The knowledge that she could only ever be your friend hurt. Hearing her say the opposite was your ecstasy.

"Hey, I thought I was your best friend."

You teased her and she let out a little nervous laugh as you started to carefully peel off the wrapping from the gift, not wanting to ruin what looked so carefully put together with a bow. Your heart pounded with curiosity as she watched you intensely to see your reaction. You pulled out a gold necklace with a small gold ball on the end from the box and gasped in shock. It looked so expensive, by far the most regal gift you'd ever received. Ochako must have saved a fortune to get this.

"Ochako... This is so pretty, this must have been so expensive."

"It, uh, it opens too."

She ignored your statement of questioning that it must have been expensive as she murmured out her words. It was expensive, she saved and saved, and even borrowed money from Momo Yaoyorozu. You opened up the gold ball and pulled out a little piece of paper with her handwriting scrawled out.

I like you, like a lot.

"I was hoping we could be more than best friends."

"I'd like that, like a lot."

You grabbed Ochako's hand, guilt-free this time, and walked into UA together. It didnt matter that everyone forgot your birthday, it didn't matter that you never got gifts or a birthday cake. It didn't matter because it mattered to Ochako. It didn't matter because you received the best gift from Ochako.

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