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todayisafridaynight · 9 months

Note

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

#long post #cw csa #doublin up to add cw warnins in the tags just in case <3 lemme know if i should throw more tags down here..... im bad at cw tags....#i forget my bookmark tag for asks from you i stg if i cant find this ask in the future im kmsing (in minecraft) immediately #snap chats #THE SNORT I MADE AT THE DEADPAN 'LOL'☠️ maybe i SHOULDVE put text In The Main Text i have A Lot of Thoughts..#im leavin the main text empty since. ngl i was just gonna compare/contrast to myself again... and say a lot of what weve said b4..#UNFORTUNATELY a lot of the things listed here uhmmmm Hm <3 Uh Oh <3 i do understand. Dare I Say personally. just a bit #I DO HAVE TO DISCLAIM ive never been a survivor of THOSE circumstances or really. any abuse tbh- brain just sucks and im a baby #and i cant say no BUT ANYWAY I HAVE REASONS FOR BEIN AN EGOTIST I SWEAR its cause I Somewhat had those exps/i understand them #i can REAAAALLLYY easily see where your points are coming from.... very easily even... like very in-depth..#even if i didnt cry bout spilled milk every other day it IS clear to see the signs of abuse in sawashiro once you know them #i've def talked bout those aspects of him whether in tag rambles or in streams or have Attempted to express it via fics #so really the bits to chew on for me esp this time round is the more CSA aspects #tbh when it comes to bein unable to see him intimate or 'underdressed' i agree: incredibly hard for me to imagine #the thing with 'symptoms' of abuse is that they kinda overlap i guess ??#in that regard it can either be a need to impress or protect himself/needing to be seen less #when it comes to doing certain things because of CSA i could see it as a result of another abuse too. if that makes sense #THOUGH THAT ISNT TO DISCREDIT THE IDEA nono cause there still exists the Now That I Think About It circumstances of masato #even if we look at it through Western Norms(TM) two- essentially homeless- kids having. A Kid is still bizarre #cause again teen pregnancies generally happen as a result of Bein Irresponsible With A Schoolmate- not that other situations cant exist #but thats the most common innit so. def an aspect to consider. All Things Considered. esp jo's self-separation from ikumi #BUT YEAH i feel like if i try to respond im just gonna end up typing up a textbook bout abuse since. UNFORTUNATELY #childhood psychology is my field of interest. and aint no one readin THAT phat thing. esp when ill prob repeat myself or you ☠️#tbh remindin meself of when i said id write psyche papers on mine and/or jo.... oops 👀💋👀 savin this to steal notes from LOL #i hope yo know i WAS thoroughly intrigued reading this. As Ive Said childhood psyche is Literally My Field and this is v thorough and good #so im always interested in readin bout How X Caused Y in Z... very interesting many MANY things to think about.. ty...#forever cursed to be an idiot cause i really wish i could talk better and say somethin of substance.. ik you said its fine but still..#im always open to chat bout this more if youd like PLEASE dont think my lack of Main Text is disinterest Im Just Stupid. But We Know That

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thewhizzyhead · 1 year

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if I had a piso where the cheery and (INITIALLY) happy go lucky short haired protagonist of an animated show involving magic dies on the SAME DAY of their respective episode airings, I'd have 2 pesos - which isn't a lot, but it is absolutely fucking astounding that is happened TWICE AND CONSECUTIVELY-

#WELL #wELL AT LEAST THE OTHER ONE HAD A HAPPY ENDING #I CANT SAY THE FUCKING SAME FOR THE UM #yEA #aNYWAYS MY TOH AND RWBY BITCHES. HOW ARE WE ALL FEELINGS #the owl house #toh spoilers #toh s3 spoilers #rwby #rwby vol 9 #rwby spoilers #rwby vol 9 spoilers #thinking of any other spoiler tag to add on here because THERE ARE SOME SERIOUS SPOILERS HERE #spoilers #there #watching and dreaming

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dandyshucks · 4 months

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going to cry because i am worried i won't finish all the crochet gifts in time :''")

#okay wait time to decide on a vent tag sjdkskl UHHHHH #can i just... tag it with ... ''vent //'' or is that annoying to add to a the tumblr filtering system fhdkdl #thats how old school tumblr cw/tw tagging worked fjdkl they'd just put slashes in so thats what im used to #vent //#we'll go with that ig? lmk if that doesnt work for anybody for any reason and u want smth else and I'll accomodate!!!#okay. um. anyways yeah idk fjdkdl i have been crocheting pretty much all day? i havent done anything else other than eat meals fjdksl #just... crocheting. my wrist hurts sm fjfkdl #i would still be crocheting but after messing up three times on this wing and frogging it all the way back i gave uo #up*#decided to just call it a night bc damn thats frustrating! idk what i was doing wrong but i kept ending up w the wrong amount of stitches!!#i think theres a possibility i can finish everything but im rly not sure fhdkdl tomorrow is already the 17th #im just. afraid fhdkdl i rly want this to work out !!! agh!!#I cant tell if my current chest pain is from anxiety or from medication (which i take for heart pounding from anxiety) wearing off djdkdl #ough. uncomfortable. I'll go draw and hopefully i can calm down bc im just sbdhdkl so afraid rn #IT ALSO DOESNT HELP that im the only one besides Kam in the system who knows how to crochet well fsbdhdkl #so the others cannot take over bc they cannot crochet either at all or as fast as i can :') i am stuck! in front!! AGGHH #i want a break man djsksl this season is so bad for me mentally fbjfdkl but by god i am getting thru it #okay off to go draw now fhdksl i have several ideas for drawing yay

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mattynmarns · 2 years

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hey so

#ive taken some time to reflect on everything and I'm still going to be dream posting #less than usual but i think im going to be posting everything less than usual #ive talked with trusted irl people and ive reflected on people/celebrities that i continue to support who have done the same or worse thing #and ive come to the conclusion that based on what we've seen of dream's character and what his irl friends say of his character #that a) theres no way he'd do something like this again and b) we've actually seen no real proof of anything #but yeah im trying to step back from sm in general #because ive realized the conclusions i made prev about this situation wouldn't be what I would've made without the influence of The Dash #i need to remember that theres a life outside of tumblr so I'm stepping back from it #not stepping away but ill stay logged out and i already don't have the app #so now ill only check it occasionally like once a day maybe rather than have it be my social crutch #personally i cant condemn someone without any evidence and there wasn't anything i found unforgivable or criminal about the SHOWN messages #however if other evidence comes out ill stand back and reevaluate #but yeah if you want to unfollow block or whatever i understand #ill still be posting dream but he's going to be tagged #but i think this situation has been drawn out of proportion for all we know right now (ex. the words that have been used)#and i think ultimately dream has done more proven good than proven harm and that's a factor for me personally #and i also want to add that the anti-men posting that I've seen lately fucking sucks. like that's terf rhetoric #and as a trans man i dont think that's very epic 🥴#and i want to add that if you are choosing not to support him that that's cool with me like i honestly dgaf #butttttt i come here to relax from my real adult life that already stresses me out #so im only going to follow people that don't stress me out #so yeah #just wanted to update yall on where i stand #im finally becoming a normie 😔😭#tumblr has been an addiction so im finally cutting myself off o7

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duskerot · 2 months

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she will be REAL

(og face plate is from the 2022 snow mi//ku nendo ^^

the original body is from uhh a figure of nya/nners ??? dont know rly much about who that is but its the closest outfit to something shed wear. gonna have to cut off a lot of accessories haha. u can see the outfit im remaking in my pfp too actually

this hair is listed as riri ?? dunno who that is either but for sourcing reasons. she actually has a big ponytail im gonna cut entirely off and then use milliput to add some like. Hair bits. I think. ^-^ yippee

#txt #tbd #nendo.txt #i mocked this up on my phone over a picture of the face plate i bought for this project ..#this isnt gonna be her skin tone (see my pfp. lol) but i cant edit like that on mobile #so i just planned out how i think im gonna do the eyes and some other features i want to remember #i want it to be like mostly my style for the eyes in shape and shading but like #heavily referencing the proportions of the original obviously so it still feeeels like a nendo//roid #<- dont want this in any tags lol #brrrbrrr i wish i could have all my parts here already so i could start im very excited #im keeping my expectations low but i want to do the best i can #also i made a tag for this bc i might post wips if i get excited about them and now theres somewhere to block or view them #ive modified pics of the hair i bought and the body but theyre rougher bc i mocked up color there #and im not very good at drawing on my phone without a stylus Lol but i wanted something to reference #ANYWAY #actually painting and doing the face up is a ways out even after i get my parts #i need to make my modifications and prime them and do base coats etc #im gonna make her piercings out of milliput and i have to add and cut off parts to the hair and remove a lot from the outfit #gonna be cutting and sanding for a while!! lol! might be delayed depending on how warm it is outside too #cuz my workspace inside is not very ventilated so any sanding or use of chemicals will need to be outside #im very excited if it wasnt obvious fhdljeld

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demonvibez · 10 months

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Ghost!!! Ive had a brainstorm!!!

The obey me characters with an MC that has a huge collection of plushies and stuffies :,,(((

Lucifer who preens each fluffy toy like a bird, Mammon who fights, slaps and kicks each plushie out of jealousy when you're not there to mediate him.

Levi who's planning intricate playdates with his stuffies and MC's stuffies. (He replays the memory in his head a lot when he's alone.) Satan who's using MC's plushies to prop up his books, he laughs when the book falls ontop of the poor stuffed animal.

Asmodeus who dotes and teases his favourite of the pile, sitting the soft toy in his lap so it can watch Asmo do a full skincare routine with him! Beel who scoops as many fluffy friends as he can into his arms to squeeze and cuddle!

Belphegor who lazily sinks into the softness of stuffed animals and takes leisure naps snuggled into the warmth.

Gjgjgkkhkggkfknfgggg I cant get it out of my head :,,|||||

Some of them turn the stuffies the other way when nightly cuddles turns into something more passionate and some of them are a bit meaner (COUGHCOUGHCOUGH LUCIFER ND HIS CORRUPTION KINK COUGHCOUGIGOVCIHCOS)

Okay, this is such a cute little imagine I just :') haha took it and ran a bit...or a lot! hope you enjoy - small suggestive/smutty part at the end, minors do not interact!

word count: 1400+ genre: mostly fluff / some smut (MDNI) tags: fluff, sibling rivalry, gender neutral reader, implied poly mc, exhibitionism, unprotected sex, oral sex, sex on camera rating: mature

It all started when Lucifer had noticed your favorite plushies that you had brought from home on your bed while you were out grocery shopping with Mammon and Asmodeus. He had the bright idea to get a plushie for you himself, and give it to you as a gift. Once his other brothers found out what he had done, of course it launched into a competition, with the other Six giving you plushies as well.

Lucifer is quite serious about the plushie he has given to you - he makes sure it is kept in pristine condition every time he swings by your room. Adorned with many accessories (each imbued with protection spells, unbeknownst to you), the plushie definitely reminds you of him in appearance - of course he would get you a plushie to literally represent him. He even enchanted the plushie to carry his scent, so that when you cuddle with it at night, you can't help but to think of him. He would never admit it, but he put a lot of thought and care into his plushie for you. If he sees any of his brothers even so much as breathe on it incorrectly, he'll make a mental note to add a little extra spice the next time he wants to punish them.

Mammon is naturally the most competitive about the whole thing. Every time one of his brothers gifts you a new plushie friend, he goes right out and buys two more - bigger, better, shinier! NO ONE can outdo The Great Mammon when it comes to giving his human some plushies! He's given you so many that you could make a giant crow's nest out of them that would cover most of your bed. Whenever he comes over, he pushes all of the plushies from his brothers under your bed, arguing that "ya got all these plushies here from yer first man, why the heck would ya need anythin' else?!" and you can't help but to pull him into a tight hug and indulge him once again as you begin your movie night.

You and Leviathan actually exchange stuffies with each other, after it takes you 4 days, 67 texts and three phone calls to get Levi to leave his room after hearing about the small collection you already have from his brothers. Envy floods his brain, convincing him "you would never exchange something like that with him," but you manage to finally make him believe you! And ever since, the lil group of you have a plethora of adventures together. Now when the two of you make cosplays together, you make an additional little mini set for your plushies to wear for your next TSL night! And when he is bored, sometimes Levi can't help but to look back at the photo album of your cosplays together on his DDD fondly.

Satan definitely hates the Lucifer plushie. Like, with every fiber of his infernal being. He would love to set the damn thing on fire - and often has dreams in which he does exactly that - but he loves you more and wouldn't want to hurt you like that, so he gets his own to give you instead. You guys love to have murder mystery parties with the plushies, but had to ban the eldest's plushie from the party when you started to notice it was somehow always the victim. Aside from that, the two of you also enjoy just cuddling up together with his plushie and reading by the fire. You both have tea and cookies while sharing poetry with one another, under the embrace of your favorite fluffy blanket, the plushie snug between the two of you.

Asmodeus makes an entire day of going out shopping for plushies and outfits with you. Little did you know, he had called in a few favors with one of his fashion designer friends to have both the plushies and their outfits custom made to his design. When the two of you get back to his room, you sit down in front of his vanity with your new plushies and start making each other over, in preparation for the fashion show you’re about to have. After getting hair and makeup ready, you slip on your outfits, making sure everything looks just right, both with yourselves and your new stuffed friends. Asmo uses one of the extra plushies from his bed to prop up his DDD to record the fashion show - which still remains at the top of his Devilgram highlight reel.

Beelzebub was probably the only one of his brothers that was unfazed by the whole competitive aspect of this. He was walking back home from fangol practice one afternoon, arms full of bags of food for the two of you from Hell's Kitchen. As he's walking, he notices an adorable plushie in a shop window that reminds him of you. Of course he goes in to buy it, and soon enough he is making a beeline straight home and directly to your room with all of the goodies. He honestly has no idea which he loves more - the look on your face as you eat your favorite Devildom food, or the smile you flash and the glimmer in your eyes as he gives you the plushie. He can't help but to pull you into one of his famous Beel hugs.

Belphegor was feeling a bit bratty when he heard that his brothers were in this stupid little plushie competition for you. He ended up disappearing for a couple of days, nowhere to be found and completely ignoring all attempts to reach him via DDD. You eventually find him upon looking for him in the attic a second time. Upon entering you see him asleep in bed with a giant plushie, one as long as he is tall. You sit on the edge of his bed and call out to him a few times with no reply. After calling his name the fourth time, you reach out to touch him, only to have his tail wrap around you and pull you down into his cuddle pile. He presses a kiss into the top of your head, mumbling something about how ‘he got you this gift because you are his,’ before drifting back off to sleep. You smile and press a kiss to the bottom of his jaw, cuddling closer before joining him in slumber.

When it comes to moments of intimacy, most of the brothers are rather respectful, and don’t like the feeling of the little plushie eyes on them during your love making. Two of the brothers in particular are a bit more devious than the others, though . . .

It was one of those rare evenings where Lucifer was spending time with you in your room instead of his. One thing led to another, and now here you were; the Avatar of Pride thrusting into you as you grip the sheets and moan out his name. Right as you both are about to hit your climax together, Lucifer breaks eye contact with you as he releases, his eyes locking with the Satan plushie right as he fills you with his seed. As he is coming down from his high, a sadistic idea plants himself into the back of his mind. He had been looking for a new way to punish his brothers, and the audience of plushies watching the two of you had proven useful in giving him this devious idea. The next time his brothers did something especially egregious that warranted punishment, he will simply string them up from the ceiling and make them watch as he takes you - even just the idea of it fills him with enormous pride.

One night, after your little fashion show date, things were getting hot and heavy in your room. Asmodeus was making out with you in a rather passionate fashion as your hands found the way to the hem of his shirt, tugging it off. As you begin to pull on his belt, he grabs your hands, a devious smirk on his face and a glint in his eyes. “Wait…I have an idea…” He pushes himself off of your bed, pulling one of Mammon’s plushies along with him. He props the plushie up on the dresser across from your bed before pulling out his DDD, making sure the plushie is holding it and the front facing camera is on. He looks back to you as you nod your consent, and he makes his way back to your bed, peeling off your pants and pushing your underwear to the side, leaning down to taste you as you let out the first of many moans. He would never dream of posting the video anywhere - but he definitely does text you little clips from it to tease you when he is craving more of you.

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rascal-xo · 1 year

Text

How They React to Gossip | 141 + Rudy + Alejandro |

Warnings: None

Tags: @whirly-birbs @fiveshelmet @madamemelancholysstuff

A/N: For those who requested something and didn’t get a response, i’ll be getting those works posted soon :)

————————————————————————————

~ Ghost ~

- Definitely knows about it before anyone else but won’t ever bring it up. (Bro always sees and hears everything about everyone)

- Will act like he doesn’t care, but still is listening to every word

- Will suddenly go “Fucking hell.” and then realize he actually said it out loud when everyone pauses and turns to look at him.

- Will 100% be smirking under his mask when somethings funny but won’t laugh out loud. (Resting Ghost Face and all, gotta keep up the rep)

- Will give the most dangerous fucking side eye when someone says something horrendously out of pocket

- Will definitely zone out if he gets bored

~ Price ~

- Is just passing by the break room when he overhears something out of the ordinary and has to do a double take to walk back towards the group and make sure he heard it correctly

- Will either be the moral compass of the gossip session or will go full out with his own insults

- Stands there with his arms crossed and eyes squinted slightly listening to the words coming from his team.

- Will say something like “We’re soldiers, not desperate housewives.” But will later laugh to himself thinking about the wild accusations and drama.

- Definitely gossips with Laswell on the downlow

~ Gaz ~

- Enjoys every second of pure steaming gossip, especially if it’s coming from his Soap

- Will subtly pry for more information but when Soap teases him about it he’ll be like “Alright you can piss off, I don’t even wanna know now.”

- Won’t even hide the fact he wants to laugh, will be close to doubling over in hysterics if it gets to be that crazy

- *High pitched british shock*

~ SOAP ~

- Bro cant contain himself when it comes to juicy drama in the workplace

- He’s here for the tea, ALL the tea

- Is 10000% the one who started spreading the gossip in the first place.

- Will talk everyone’s ear off about who he saw with who the other day and what not

- Don’t get him started cause he won’t stop

- ends every gossip session lowkey leaving everyone stunned and wanting to hear more

~ Alejandro ~

- takes in any and all gossip in stride and fires off MANY witty remarks about it

- He enjoys poking fun at others jokingly. it’s apart of his charm (duh)

- Will be be doubling over in hysterical laughter, probably bringing Rudy or Soap down with him

- If the gossip is about Valeria, bro will NOT hold back. Shots upon shots will be fired do not get him started

~ Rudy ~

- Doesn’t add to the gossip, but enjoys every second of hearing his teammates losing their minds over juicy drama they’ve heard

- Will be laughing along with Alejandro but will say “Dios mío, It’s not funny, we shouldn’t be laughing!”

- Stands back with his eyes open wide in shock and red in the face from what he’s hearing

- The out of pocket things that come from Alejandro’s mouth about Valeria definitely keep this poor man up at night

** BONUS ** GRAVES

- is the gossip.

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fancy-nancy-all-grown-up · 9 months

Text

bill kaulitz imagine ^_−☆♡

no caps intentional!!

no warnings! just fluff, cuddling, kissing, and smiley bill（＾∇＾）

——————————————————————————

you rested your head on bill’s chest at you both looked up at the glow in the dark stickers you put on bill’s ceiling, pretending to star gaze. you have bills hand in both of yours, while his other is wrapped firmly against your back and waist, examining every beautiful detail. you trace every line on his palm with your comparatively tiny finger. you only stop when you can’t find anything else you haven’t seen or touched, at which point you rest bill’s flat-facing palm on your chest. you both lay there in silence until bill speaks up.

“your heart is beating so fast sweetheart,” he whispers. you smile lightly as you flip your body around so that your eyes meet each others.

“do you know why?” you question. he shakes his head over dramatically, a smile creeping up on his lips as well. “because i have a crush on you” you say, trying to keep from exploding with giggles. he smiles, his beautiful lips separating to reveal the most precious smile man has ever seen.

he brings his head up from the pillow just enough to make contact with your lips and pulls you closer to him. he entangles his hands into your hair, softly kissing you. you pull back for just a moment.

“your heart’s beating really fast.”

——————————————————————————

a/n: thanks for reading this far y’all!!!! i haven’t published any fanfics on here and i cant say i’ll be posting a shit ton more, but if you want more lmk!! i’m not an official fic writer but i will take requests here and there lmao. also i think it’s weird when people tag things as things they aren’t?? like if u post a bill fic and add the tom kaulitz smut tag???? why 💀 so regardless of whether or not i get engagement im gonna be TRUE with my tags lmfao

#bill kaulitz #bill kaulitz x reader #bill kaulitz fic #bill kaulitz fluff #tokio hotel #tokio hotel fic #tom kaulitz #georg listing #gustav schäfer #fanfic #fanfiction #fluff #tokiohotel

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factual-fantasy · 11 days

Text

23 asks! Thank you!! :}} 🎀

what

Originally I added the bandages to mirror my real hands being covered in Band-Aids when I made my sona. :0 (It was due to cat scratches and dry skin don't worry-)

Now they represent my "artist hands".... and my still really dry skin XDD

Oh yeah absolutely. His crab arm is so heavy that if he falls into the water he'll sink 😬 he cant move it fast enough to help him swim to the surface.. good thing Blue Beauty is always nearby! <XD

It also takes a lot of energy to move and he deals with sore back/shoulder muscles a lot. The way the crab arm formed, its like all the muscles in his back are used to lift and operate it. When he walks around he kind'a uses it as a crutch or a third leg. His legs each take a step and then his crab arm lifts forward and clunks on the ground.

"tap tap.. CLUNK. tap tap.. CLUNK."

Despite all this though, Louis still really likes his new arm and isn't bothered much by all the hardships it brings :)

@neo-metalscottic

Thank you so much!!! :DD I'm hoping I get over this soon 🥺

As for Grim's eyes, I mention that coloring mistake in the tags of this post. It was simply a matter of me misremembering what Gengar looks like :// But I'm thinking I'll keep his white eyes anyways. He looks a lot more friendly that way :}}

THEY HAVE SPARKS?? THEY'RE INDIVIDUALS?? I thought they were just mindless clones! Man.. That makes things in the show even darker-- <XDD

And ohhh, yeah I can see it. I wonder why they decided to add him of all characters? He does have cool shades tho XDD

@holly-opal

Yeah, that's the idea. <:/ I have yet to plan out how she died tho-

@glitchhayden418

There she is!! :DD She looks great!! :}}

And thank you, I'm hoping I get well soon too 🙂💔

She never has to stop! I've decided that my characters can eat as much as they want, whenever they want, however they want, and suffer absolutely no consequences what so ever.

Cici just seems to be taking advantage of this ability more than the others <XDD

@artblock200322022

:DD Thank you!! I'm so glad you like my interpretation of the Octonauts! :}}

@possibly-astraeus

Oof. Always disappointing to hear people finding me through stolen artwork..

But yeah, you're at the source now! :} Just remember, if you find my artwork anywhere else other than here? Its stolen ://

@shallow-isles

I simply misremembered what Gengar looks like and colored his eyes wrong :/// (I talk about it in the tags of this post) But I think I'll keep them white. He just looks so friendly and soft with white eyes.. 🥺

As for Sylveon, I like to think that tying his ribbons around others like that is his way of giving them a hug :}} Since Grim is so r o u n d, there's not many places the ribbons can comfortably tie and not be in Grim's way. His ears are the perfect spot! :}

@tallchest13-blog

THANK YOU! :D WOULD YOU BE UPSET IF I GAVE THIS TEA TO CICI THO? SHE REALLY WANTS TO TRY IT :((

@aishutoon

Ohh! They look so round and cozy!! :333

@yourstrulylightstar283 (Referencing this post)

Thank you! :}}}

@circadiananomaly (24k post in question)

Thank you! I'm hoping this is all over soon as well. :'(((

@candyglumboy

Like, my Pokémon Violet team? :0 There will not be any new members no.. you can only have 6 Pokémon in your party at a time!

...Then again there's Patty.. the Hoppip that Anastasia replaced.. I miss her.. 🥺💔💔💔

I hope I feel good too.. 😔😔😔

@graminos

:DD Thank you! I'm glad you like them!! :}}}}

(Post in question)

Me reading this ask ksjnakjn 🥺🥺💞💞💞 that was all basically on point!! :DDD

@youlikwjazz004

I'm afraid I have absolutely no idea how to explain that :'(( 💔💔

The very best I can explain my art process is; "I just.. draw it. And if it doesn't feel right, I just draw it differently until it does feel right." Its all down to muscle memory and drawing what "feels" right. I don't think I'm able to explain that-- 😭😭😭 I'm very sorry! <:'(((

@askladyinwhiteandfam

Woah! What a critter! :00 ✨✨It looks great! :DD

@square-the-cyan-idiot542

WAAAHGG THANK YIU!!!- Oh crap you ok tho--

@littlelightfish (Post in question)

:DD Thank you! I'm so glad you like him!! :}}}

@beryl-shade

He'd be amazed! :00

#my response #cookie run #cookie run kingdom #cookie run ocs #my ocs #factual fam #super mario bros #pokemon scarlet and violet #gengar #sylveon #fnaf security breach

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jabberwocky-warrior · 8 months

Text

Random dating headcanons for every NRC Student

Featuring all NRC students [[Platonic Ortho]]

All headcanons are based on you dating the characters. Only pronoun used is "you". Can be read as Prefect/OC/Selfinsert I think

Tags: Fluff, random dating HCs, Platonic Ortho,

TW // Food mentioned in multiple, these are dating headcanons,

A/N I strongly believe in Leona's. I didn't word it perfectly but i love these.

734 words | Not proofread at all |

Leona waits for you to start eating first. Eating first is a big deal in a lot of animal behaviors and in royal etiquette, the monarch eats first but for you, he’ll always make an exception.

Kalim plans for your trip to his home ahead of time. IT’s not even like in an itinerary way but a safety. All guard/servants are informed before your arrival. He makes sure their is a list of who will be cooking food for you. He even asks jamil for insider knowledge on which servants to watch out for.

Malleus really really really wants to see you in traditional Briar valley garments. Like REally Really Really badly wants to see you in them. Especially ones that match with his own.

Lilia wants to take you to a classic Fae revelry. To dance all night with you. Dont worry about the dangers of having your name taken. A simple fix really. Let him take your last name and replace it with his.

Azul took one of his old quills that were worn out and turned it into a necklace for you. He’s also turned his other old quills into other trinkets like bookmarks, pins, etc.

[[Platonic]] Ortho loves playing 20 questions with you about random human things.

Deuce sends his mom selfies of you two on dates all the time. She loves seeing him so happy with you. His mom will send a selfie back with the snapchat dog filter. One time it started a Selfie war.

Sebek loves when you lay your head on his lap and vice-versa. His favorite thing is you laying on his chest while he reads a book. If you ask, he’ll read it out loud to you.

Vil sews your initials into his dorm uniform. He’ll add his initials into your clothes if you’ll let him.

Epel loves walking hand in hand with you through the woods on campus. It reminds him of home and having you here makes it even better.

Cater created a private magicam account just to post candid photos of you two together. Its private so No one can see them but him. He regularly checks it when hes feeling down.

Ace loves when you have cuddle dates. He doesn’t even care if you fall asleep early. He just loves the company. Sleep comes to him quickly with you by his side.

Silver asked his dad to secretly follow yall on your first date and wake him up every time he fell asleep. You date was a picnic surrounded by trees just to make sure Lilia had ample space to hide from your sight.

Riddle he convinced you to have a big study date for a big exam coming up. When you arrived at heartslabyul though, he lead you to the garden where he had a romantic dinner set up.

Rook carves your name into his bow. It’s in obnoxious cursive and he adds poetry in french next to it.

Jack brings you to his family BBQs. He loves watching you play with his siblings and seeing how perfecting you fit in with his family.

Ruggie reverse pickpockets you. He leaves you favorite candy/snacks in your bag. If you text him complaining that your hungry but cant get a snack, he just tells you where to check in your bag.

Jade will try any food concoction you make as long as you’ll try his. If you hate mushrooms he will willingly leave them out of the dish.

Jamil loves when you come to watch his basketball. It’s one of the only times he can go all out. He cant help but smile seeing you in the crowd cheering for him.

Trey will scheme his way into being partnered with you as often as he can. He’s not above calling in a favor but normally promising sweets is enough.

Floyd got you a giant eel plushy. It the size of a pregnancy pillow and is the shape. When he comes over to your room he will hug it until you get into bed with him.

Idia will pull for characters that remind him of you. Whether its just their hair or their personality, it doesn’t matter. You know when someone builds a character that isnt meta and isnt that great and they turn them into a DPS GOD. Yeah he does that with those characters.

I love them all your honor.

I hope you enjoy this post. Feel free to send in asks/requests.

If you notice any mistakes please let me know!!

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joekeeryswife · 1 year

Note

AHH girl dad! pedro is really just occupying my mind rn….

that one imagine with expecting! reader really has me in a chokehold but just thinking about how sweet pedro would be while your in labor

from the jump, he’d be by your side. the minute you feel your water break in bed and your contractions are feeling a little too real, hes right by your side. his old man brain is definitely a little discombobulated at first bit he’s definitely trying to get you out of your now soaked pjs and into some dry sweats to get you into the car.

thanks to you and all your nesting while pedro’s at work, all the hospital bags were set up and stocked fully for you, him, and the baby, along with the carseat already being installed, you guys were officially set up to be parents!!! pedro knows these contractions are really taking a toll on you so he’d give you all the time in the world to get your bum in the car. as soon as your both seated and settled, the drive over is filled with so much groaning and moaning and squeezing his hand with a freakishly amount of strength, because once again, contractions are indeed, a bitch.

but pedro will let you scream and shout all you need, hes just happy to be there with you. but he cant help but feel some sort of guilt. you both had entered this journey into parenthood but here you were carrying the heaviest load. so he did what he could best. after arriving in the hospital and being sent up to the suite you’d be staying in for the next few days, he’ your number 1 advocate. you want more ice chips? he’s already running down to grab you some more. one nurse isnt following the intended birth plan? best believe he is already asking for a new one. back hurts? hes the first to get behind you and rub it. hes going on walks with you, doing your lamaaze training (which he initially thought was dumb), holding you the exact way you need to be held, whispering sweet nothings, telling you how strong you are and how proud he is of you.

pedro makes it known that he wants to be as involved in the birthing process as possible, however he is needed. when its time to push, hes holding your leg up for you, praising you, helping the doctor count down on the pushes. as terrifying as it sounds, he had never been more glad to make such an effort. getting to watch beautiful, life-changing moment for the both you you. watching your daughter enter the world. i wholeheartedly believe the minute that little girl comes out, hes sobbing. i mean not that you arent but he just can’t express any other emotion what the overwhelming feeling of gratitude he feels. he feels incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful partner. he feels so lucky to have someone who was willing to go through all the troubles and challenges pregnancy presented to you. he feels incredibly lucky to have his heart grown even bigger for the newest addition into yalls life.

the minute your daughter is placed on you chest, it is the first time in a while that everything just feels right, and in place. your heart is more than content. you and your little family.🤍

i have so many thoughts in my mind about dad! pedro pascal, i just have no idea where to put them😭

Labour - p.p

hello angels! i’m honestly fuming because my last pedro fanfic got cut short- idk wtf is up with tumblr BUT… this request was the cutest thing i’ve ever read i don’t even think my writing is going to live up to it. i hope this is okay that it’s a part two to my last fanfic! enjoy angels (p.s dad! imagines are my fave so don’t be shy to put them in my inbox! x) 🤍 ⚠️age gap couple⚠️

taglist (don’t forget to add yourselves🤍) @1-john-4-19 @newtandminhoaretoocute @mavs101 @brilliantopposite187 @mimi-luvzyu (if there’s a line through your name i cannot tag you for some reason x)

"Pedro, get here right now" you shouted as you sat up in bed, looking down at the now soaking bedcovers. he had insisted you go lay down and rest as a few contractions throughout the day had worn you out and now, after an hour of sleep, your water had finally broke. you heard rapid foot steps approaching the bedroom and then the door fly open.

"what?" he looked frantic, and once he saw your anxious look on your face he knew. he walked to your side of the bed and lifted the bed covers off of you and held his hand out so he could help you up which you gently took ahold of. he could see the wet stain on the bedsheet but that was the last thing he was worrying about, he was worrying about you.

he helped you sit up and watched as a contraction surged through your body, making your face scrunch up and a small whimper escape your mouth, you squeezed his hand and tried breathing through it. after the contraction subsided you turned your body so your feet were flat on the floor, getting out of bed had gotten a lot harder and you always had to sit to catch your breath before you could get up.

"i'm sorry" you said as you looked back at the stained bed. he kept his gentle hold on your hand and lent in to give you a small kiss on your forehead. "hey, don't worry. it's only a bedsheet baby, are you okay?" once he saw you give him a small nod and a smile which reassured him enough he let go of your hand and walked to the chest of draws to get you some knew sweatpants then quickly made his way back to you.

"we gotta get you to the hospital love, you've gotta get changed" he helped you stand up which made his heart crush when he saw you breathing through yet another contraction. each one was coming with a whole new level of pain and it broke his heart that he couldn't do anything to take the pain away.

after that contraction finally subsided he helped you get changed into the fresh sweatpants and with that he grabbed your phone and your hand then helped you make your way to front door, he had to grab the baby's bags which were packed by you. you had started packing a month before your due date whilst Pedro was still working/doing interviews and he had never been more grateful that you had done that instead of rushing to do it at near your due date.

the car seat had been installed in the car three weeks ago just incase the baby decided they wanted to show up a little earlier than planned but they didn't, your due date was two days away and it looked like your baby would be coming right on time. once he was sure he had everything he quickly made his way back to you and helped you slip on your shoes and then to the elevator. the ride down to the car park of the apartment complex was filled with groans of pain as the contractions started to get closer together.

Pedro held your hand as the elevator finally stopped on the ground floor and guided you to the car which was luckily not to far away from the elevator, meaning you didn't have to walk far. "babe we have to stop for a second" you said, these contractions were really brutal, so brutal that they actually made you want to cry and that was rare. you had a very high pain tolerance so when Pedro saw you with teary eyes he knew these were really getting to you.

you hunched over slightly as a more painful contraction hit you, this time the pain went to the bottom of your back and lower stomach. Pedro let go of your hand and placed it on your back, rubbing it softly. "you're doing so well honey, so so well" he said as you stood up right again. all you wanted to do was sit down and with the car being in your view, maybe 15 steps away, you knew you needed to get there.

Pedro kept his hand on your back as you both started walking to the car again and you breathed a sigh of relief when you finally made it. he opened the passenger door for you and helped you into the seat. "you comfortable baby?" he asked you and watched you nod your head. you had heard from so many people that contractions hurt but you did not think they would hurt this much. he closed the car door and then made his way to the boot so he could put the bags away.

once he was settled in the drivers side he immediately started the car and started the thirty minute drive to the hospital. the whole ride to the hospital was filled with you groaning in pain with each contraction that came and with that came the soft words of encouragement Pedro spoke to you. this was probably the softest you'd ever heard him and it made your heart swell with love as he tried his best to make you feel better, 'you're doing so well my love, keep breathing that's it' 'you're gonna be such a good mama, you're doing brilliantly honey'

"mother fucker this hurts so much" you said as you squeezed Pedro's hand tightly. he took his eyes off of the road for a split second to look at you. he didn't know why but he felt guilty. you were both becoming parents, both on this pregnancy journey together yet you were the one that had dealt with the morning sickness, crazy hormone changes, cravings, back pain, and now contractions. "i know sweetheart but you're doing so well, we are almost there, five minutes tops" he lifted your hand to his mouth and placed a small kiss there for comfort.

you were finally at the hospital in the room where you would give birth to your baby. the nurse had checked and you were only 7cm dilated meaning you had another 3 to go. you were hunched over the bed, trying to get some sort of relief from the pain in your back, laying down did not help at all so you had to stick to this. Pedro was behind you, massaging the bottom of your back as you groaned in pain.

he watched the monitor which was tracking all of your contractions and saw that this one was a lot worse than the other ones. "that's it honey, well done. you're doing amazing" his words of encouragement filled your ears as your hand grabbed onto the bed sheets, keeping them in a tight grasp until the contraction subsided.

"that one was so bad" you said as you stood up straight and turned to face Pedro. he had a sympathetic look on his face. "i know" he opened his arms and you immediately 'fell' into him, needing one of his hugs. they always calmed you down somehow and right now you needed to calm down. "i'm so hungry" you said with a sigh.

you, for some reason, were only allowed to eat ice chips and all you wanted was a burger and actual chips but you couldn't, not until after you'd given birth. "we've run out of ice baby, let me go get you some" and with a kiss on forehead he pulled away from you to go find a nurse. within 5 minutes he was back with more ice chips. "here you are" he said lifting the spoon filled with ice chips up to your lips so you could eat them. "thank you sweetie" you said as you chewed on the ice. he lent in to kiss you on the lips and said a small "you're welcome" before feeding you more ice.

Pedro had been a bit weary of one particular nurse, she was in her mid 30s and was the most judgemental person he'd ever met. she was just not listening to a thing you had suggested and she was just one of those nurses who never listened to their patient, whatever the nurse wanted to do that's what was happening with no debate.

Pedro finally had enough of her when she almost made you cry with her harsh words and judgmental stares which lingered a little to long so she knew you'd notice. you both got judged on a daily basis on social media for your age gap but you had never had any bad experiences in real life, people were always so kind to you and in the thousands of judgemental people where were thousands of supportive people who always said how cute you guys were.

he had waited until she left before he slipped out of the room to speak to someone about getting a different nurse. you were in so much pain and having a nurse who wasn't making you feel any better was not something he'd ever want you to go through. luckily, there was an older nurse who was more than happy to take over. she must of been in her 60s. she followed Pedro back to your room and introduced herself to you. already the atmosphere had changed, she was so sweet to both of you and there was definitely no judgement coming from her.

"y/n, i think because you've been stuck at 7cm for the past two hours you go for a little walk around the ward, it doesn't have to be a long one but it could speed this up a bit and it also means you don't have to be stuck in this room" Mary, the new nurse said to you with a smile. she left you and Pedro alone and with that you both started walking around the maternity ward, hoping that this would finally speed up the process and will allow you both to finally meet your baby.

"that's it y/n you're doing absolutely amazing, keep that push" Pedro was holding your left leg and looking at his baby being born. you let go of the push and let your head fall back onto the pillow for a second just so you could catch your breath. "well done sweetheart" you heard Pedro say as you felt a small kiss on your forehead.

"and again y/n, push with this next contraction. well done" you heard Mary say as you pushed as hard as you could through the pain, groaning and the pain became almost unbearable. "that's it sweetheart, keep going" he was still holding your leg but was now by you, comforting you as you pushed. "okay stop pushing sweetie, that was amazing pushing y/n, i can see the head" Mary smiled and your heart swelled at the thought of your baby being here any second.

"okay, another contraction coming, give this one a big push y/n. this will probably be your last one" and as soon as that contraction came, your chin was to your chest as you pushed. you groaned as you felt your baby finally coming out. Pedro was now up again, wanting to see his baby come into the world. as soon as you heard that loud cry coming from your baby, instant tears started falling down both yours and Pedro's cheeks.

"you did it baby, i'm so proud of you" he said, tears rolling down his face as he kissed you passionately. "congratulations you two, it's a girl" Mary quickly put the baby on your chest and you looked down at this beautiful bundle of joy. Pedro thought he could never love anything more than he loved you, but as soon as he set eyes on his daughter his love for her grew, no words could describe how much he loved her.

"hi my angel, it's so nice to finally meet you" you whispered to her as you gently grabbed ahold of her tiny hand. she was beautiful. utterly perfect. Mary took your baby to the other side of the room where she would be weighed and would have all the regular checks any baby had, leaving you and Pedro alone. you moved over in the bed, allowing him to lay down next to you and as soon as he did he pulled you into his embrace.

"thank you" you heard him whisper as a few small kisses were planted on your forehead. he was grateful, grateful that you'd you went through this entire pregnancy and carried your baby, grateful that you'd chosen to do this with him and grateful that you'd grown your baby and now she was here with you both, where she belonged.

you looked up at him and saw that his tears hadn't stopped, they were still flowing freely down his flushed cheeks. you reached your hand up to wipe the tear streaks and smiled. "you don't have to thank me-" "no i do. you have done so much these past 9 months and i'm so grateful for that. i could have never done what you have and and i'm just really really lucky" he said, leaning down to kiss you again.

after a few short minutes of it being just the two of you, Mary brought over a wrapped up bundle of joy who was looking around the room with her dough eyes. "8 ibs and 6 Oz. she's really healthy. i'm going to leave you two alone for a while to give you time to adjust but just ring the buzzer if you need anything. again congratulations, she's absolutely beautiful" after she passed you your baby, you both said thank you and watched as she left the room.

"she's got so much hair" you whispered as you looked down at her, running your hand carefully over the top of her head. she was the most precious thing you'd ever seen. Pedro watched the two of you together, he had never in his left felt like this. he just felt pure love and adoration for the two of you. "she looks just like you baby, she's so beautiful" he kissed your forehead and let his hand stroke her cheek. this was love and he was so excited for the journey ahead.

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