#i tried so hard to become friends with the juniors in my school pre graduation bc my school used to have a solid relationship between the | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

najatheangel · 3 years

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genre: fluff, drama, and comedy. high school au!

pairing: Choi San x Reader

author's note: apart of the Ateez Summer Collab hosted by @bangchan-fairy My first official posted collab please let me know what you guys think. Enjoy your summer! ✨

word count: 5.3k

summary: After slacking off junior year and struggling to juggle responsibilities, you're stuck retaking your math course in the summer. With your future on the line, you were stuck with San to work together with you so you both can pass this summer course as seniors. You two seem to have a hard time focusing on your studies. Is it because you don't understand the work or a certain someone that's distracting you

taglist: @purplepsycho03 @melonmochimoon @neptunehobi @soleilsuhh @dundun-baby @kpopsnowball (Send me a message if you want to be added or removed from the tag list.)

Your stepmom Maria seemed to be very disappointed in you once again for letting her down this year. She had planned so many family trips, vacations, and hangouts for the whole family to enjoy this summer, but thanks to my failing this dumb math class, I have to be stuck in this school until July.

“You better be lucky I can afford for you to retake this class. Your reckless behavior has gone on long enough.” Your mom walks beside you upstairs inside Walnut Hills Highschool making sure you don’t skip out on the first day of summer school.

“Mom, you know you don’t have to walk me to class. I know what I’m doing!” You groan at her as she links her arms with you in the hallway.

“Clearly you don’t! If you did you wouldn’t be stuck here retaking this class. Now we’re almost there so keep your head high and lose the tude.”

There it was class 2A once again. This class was an absolute nightmare. I took a deep breath and slid the door open slowly with my eyes halfway open anxious to see who was sitting in the classroom.

“Welcome back miss Y/LN! Good seeing you again.” Mr. Harris said with a smile. This sucker, you had a love-hate relationship with Mr. Harris. You loved the fact that he was super nice and helpful when he was your English tutor freshman year, but you hated how he had a crush on your mom and how weird teacher-parent conference meetings would get when they would sneak off with each other in his office.

“Good morning Mr. Harris. Good seeing you again.” Your mom blushed to try to contain her excitement, but it was too obvious. “Anyways I’ll be heading my way out. She’s all yours for the summer.” Your mom gave you one last hug and kiss on the cheek before she left.

You sighed, rolling your eyes, fanning yourself already sweating from the classroom’s lack of cold air blowing. You complained again by saying.“Mr. Harris, are we staying in this room all summer? I’m sweating like a fat pig.”

“Unfortunately, yes. The PCs in the computer lab have been shut down and the school plans on replacing them with apple PCs by august. So these are the cards we’ve been dealt with. Let’s get started shall we.”

All the students in the classroom sighed, taking sips of their water bottles as Mr. Harris took attendance.

“Let’s see...We have Angela, Oliver, Chris, Yui, Y/N...Who’s missing? Choi San?”

“Here.” San slams the door open, arriving 20 minutes late with his chocolate milk in one hand and a glazed donut in the other. “Sorry Mr. Harris, I’ve overslept.”

Mr. Harris sighs, shaking his head, chuckling to calm himself down. “As expected. Just glad that you’re here, please have a seat.”

There was only one seat left which was in the front next to you and that would of course be his assigned seat for the rest of the summer.

You never heard much of San except everyone saying that he dropped out sophomore year.

You remember having a crush on him during freshman orientation when you both were shadowed by this kid named Lee Know. The whole time you were quiet, but you remembered staring at the handsome devil strutting in his uniform the whole time.

So to see him once again took you and everyone by surprise.

“Class, make sure you remember your partner’s name sitting next to you for this summer because you will work together in order to pass this class.”

“Say what?” You look over at San, who was making origami at his desk. “Good seeing again kid.” He smirks at you leaving you speechless. “Want a donut?” He reached out, handing a piece to you.

You were slamming your head on the desk thinking to yourself. “Mom, I know I promised I would finish this class, but I don’t know if I can...”

Mr. Harris had you paired up in groups of two to complete a series of word problems and online on this website called Pearson. On the bright side, walnut hills provided MacBooks for students that didn’t have their laptop, but of course, if they tried to watch Netflix, facetime with their friends, or search for something inappropriate, their laptop will be shut down for 24 hours until further notice.

The first two weeks were pretty quiet between you and San because both of you aren’t necessarily the best conversation starters and whenever San would ask you something it would only just help him cheat on an assignment or help him make up an excuse to skip class. Up until the third week hit you had enough of his excuses trying to avoid doing the work.

The third week you were assigned to work on three hours of pre-cal on the computer and you had the option to locate to a different classroom of course if you couldn’t focus in a cramped room full of sweaty students. So you and san decided to work in the math lab across from class 2A and try to work out a plan.

“Listen San I know this class is our worst enemy, but I promised my mom I would graduate next year and If I have to restart my junior year again I would die of embarrassment. So please try a little harder.” San sighs nodding to your proposal looking deeply into your eyes.

“Fine. I guess I’m in the same boat. I figured retaking junior year would make my mom mad too.” He reaches his hand shaking it with yours smiling.

Your heart starts pounding pretty fast as you're exchanging the agreement with San and you gaze your eyes back at the computer again clearing your throat.

“So, all we have to do is remember the methods Mr. Harris taught us and we'll be alright. What section are we on?” San scrolls through his laptop trying to login into his Pearson account. “I believe it's section 3.A. 20 questions which are due this Friday?! Man, Mr. Harris won’t give us a break.”

You giggled at his surprised reaction. Sometimes he can be soft which makes you melt inside even more. It made you wonder why he was always hanging around with the rebels with no future at school. Maybe life at home was rough and he didn’t have a lot of friends. All these questions were running through your head, which made you not realize that San suddenly moved closer to you.

“You need help with that problem? You were staring blankly at the screen for the past 10 minutes. Here let me show you how to do this.” San wraps his arm around you, pulling you closer to writing the answer problem step by step to help you understand it better, but that wasn’t exactly helping.

All you were doing was admiring his beautiful face to face. It made you remember the first time you saw him with his glowing melon skin, sharp jawline, the way he can pull off a white collar and a striped tie it just seemed impossible.

On top of that his knowledge in math made him 10x more attractive, but you couldn’t understand why someone as brilliant and essential as him set himself up in the wrong crowd and stuck in this situation that cost him his high school diploma.

“So that’s how you get y= 18 + 15x. Any questions?” “Yeah, why the hell are you so fine. Forget Mr. Harris, you can be my tutor.” Would’ve sounded better in your head, but you accidentally said it out loud.

San looked at you with his eyes flashing open and then he burst out laughing. “Well Ms. Y/LN if I knew you were having this much fun, I would’ve signed up for this a long time ago.”

“Same here. You know I didn’t think math was your thing. How come you're so good at it?” He sighs, leaning looking up at the ceiling as his mood changes very quickly. “My dad is an entrepreneur and a CEO of his own company.

He’s very good at math so he taught me at an early age so someday I can take over his company someday. He’s never home at times either so I’m pretty much always helping my friends with their math homework as a side hustle.”

“That must be tiring. I know that must be a lot of pressure for a 17-year-old.” San nods his head in agreement and says “It is, but hey that’s what I’ve been dealing with all my life. We got to finish these questions so we can go home early.” With the both of you panicking you turn back to your computers finishing the last set of problems.

You were having so much fun at school with San that you forgot you had to make it to dinner on time with your wicked stepmother. Ever since you’ve started your sophomore year at Walnut Hills your father was keeping his dating life a secret until he unexpectedly announced that he wanted to marry Maria. Your dad was always the playboy so it always would irritate you whenever he brings another woman into the picture.

Your father planned on marrying Maria by the time you’ve graduated high school, but that all ended in tragedy when your father one day died in a car accident on the way to your volleyball game. This is why you quitted sports, fell out with your best friends, and flunked almost all your classes. Maria has always shown tough love even when your dad was around, but that’s because she never knew what it was like to raise children and she wanted to learn to become closer to your family, but your relationship with her was always rocky.

Arriving late at night you’ve run to your house sweating and panting to your angry stepmom in the kitchen tapping her foot.

“Y/N, do you know what time it is? School ended at 5. Why are you late for dinner? This better is good missy.” You caught your last breath and then rolled your eyes at Maria’s snarky comment. “Me and my partner in my class took longer than expected to finish our assignment. Sorry, okay?”

You’ve slammed your backpack on the back of your chair and grabbed a plate of yong chow rice to eat with your family. “Don’t you roll your eyes at me? I just asked a simple question. Don’t tell me your working with that Choi San guy?”

You shook your head as you started to feel yourself explode at the dinner table, but you let her finish. “I know that because Mr. Harris told me. Look all I’m saying is you better stay concentrated on getting out of summer school and don’t fool around with these boys. Got it?”

You’ve finally snapped and stood up slamming the table with your fists. “You know what, I don’t understand why you're nagging me about every little thing going on in my life. You can’t just be proud that I finished my assignments for this week. But, no you keep finding ways to complain to me about me not working hard enough or messing around. I’m getting really tired of it. That’s why I hate it here!”

“Y/N! Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you.” She followed you all the way upstairs until you closed the door and locked it in her face. You were too tired and frustrated to be dealing with her constant ranting so you’ve just sat in your room, put your AirPods on, and blocked her yelling from the background. “We’ll talk about this another day. Psh teenagers.”

For the rest of the night, you smush your face in your pillow crying yourself to sleep. You look back on the polaroids of your dad around your room and through your phone missing his presence in your home. “Dad, why did you leave me alone with her? If it was just the three of us, things would be so different. I miss you.”

Your partnership with San seemed to improve drastically which was surprising, to say the least. All the other kids in the class however didn’t seem to improve. Some were either cheating or missing the deadlines. Mr. Harris was not pleased by the results so he found other alternatives.

“You know what class, here’s what we’re about to do. To make this a lot more fun, how about we do class activities for extra credit. Since some of you are glued to your devices nowadays we can play games like Kahoot, Jenga, and Tetris to answer questions. I can even narrow down the questions on the assignments. How does that sound?” Everyone in class chants and cheers loving the idea which keeps them even more motivated to continue working.

“Alright everyone the games won’t start today, but next week. This is the last week of June and summer school so that means we’re halfway there from finishing. You cannot screw this up. Try acing this week’s quiz with 90% everyone or no games for those with below 70%. Got it?” “Yes, Mr. Harris!” You’ve become closer to the class since it was only nine of you, but your best friends are Angela, San, and Chris. The four of you stopped for ice cream after school to study for this week’s big math test that covered five sections.

“Gosh, Mr. Harris put 40 questions on the test! What the hell is he on crack?”

Everyone laughed at Chris complaining. He would always try to find shortcuts just so he can finish playing PubG, but he always ends up getting in trouble because he procrastinates too much. The only reason he’s somewhat doing well is because of his girlfriend Angela.

She was always a straight-A student and a bit of a geek at school, but outside of school, she was a baddie. She ended up having to retake pre-cal because she wanted to offer to help Chris with homework but ended up failing with him. “Oh hush it’s not even that bad. If you would’ve done those practice problems like you were told, you wouldn’t be complaining so much.” She slaps the back of Chris' head making him spat out his dip cone.

San looks at them admiring their silly dysfunctional relationship and then looks at you mesmerized. He leans in whispering in your ear saying “Why can’t we be more like them. They’re cute together.” You turned to him, slapping his shoulder softly giggling. “We shouldn’t. We agreed to only focus on school, remember?” He looks at you pouting “Does it have to be strictly about work? Like Mr. Harris said, we can have fun with it. We are partners after all.”

You look to the side trying to avoid his gaze as you take another spoonful of mint cocoa. With your sloppy spoonful of ice cream leftover on your face, San quickly grabbed a napkin from the table and whipped your face. “Be careful, you had a little mint chocolate on your face.” He kissed the side of your lips and smirked at you right afterward leaving everyone shocked.

“You guys are hot together.”

Chris with no filter shouted out leaving you a blushing mess. You quickly grabbed your ice cream and backpack as you heard your stepmom pulling up at the dairy parking lot. “You know what duty calls. I’ll meet you guys at the same time tomorrow at San’s place just like we planned. I gotta shave my legs. Later!” San wanted to grab your arm real quick to give you a proper goodbye, but you already beat him to it by sprinting to the car.

“Honey, why did you run in the car so fast? You would have finished your ice cream-”

“No time for that, just drive Mom.” Maria laughs looking at you covering your face with your cardigan and looking at San’s pouting face playing with his spoon he just ate from his ice cream. “Reminds me of the good old days when I was in high school.” Your stepmom cranked the engine and drove all the way home.

When you arrived home you flopped your body on your bed trying to focus on finishing studying for your test by yourself, but all your thinking about San’s kiss replaying in your head over and over again. “Ugh that San man, why did his lips have to be so soft? I'm supposed to be finding the formula for x, not the formula to get into San’s heart.” You’ve pulled out your laptop attempting to send an email to Mr. Harris said that you wanted to switch partners, but you prevent yourself from pressing send through your mouse.

“There’s no point. We only have four more weeks plus he would be upset if I do that. I just need to calm down.” You’ve closed out of your email tab and finished your homework sinking in your thoughts.

“Dad, hey it’s me again, I just wanted to leave a voicemail letting you know that later on today I’ll be bringing my friends over to work on studying for our big test. It would be nice for you to meet them, but of course, I know work is more important. Anyways please come visit again sometime soon. Love you, peace.” San sighs, hanging up the phone as he sets the table up getting ready for you, Angela, and Chris to come over. San has always learned to live basically on his own growing up.

His father is always running off on business trips, his mother left him at a young age to marry a wealthy man and his older brother was already out of the country to join the Navy. His brother was the only person he can count on for family events when it came to birthdays, Christmas, and even father’s day. At least his brother could attend and catch up with his crazy high school life.

Snapping out of his train of thoughts he opens the door as soon as he hears the doorbell ring. “Coming!” He fixed his Pikachu long sleeve and parted his hair before he opened the door. He was smiling so wide after seeing it was you, Angela and Chris.

“C'mon in you guys. Welcome to mi palacio. Let’s study in the living room.”

Everyone ran to the living room pleased with the smell of pina colada candles filling the house. You were shocked that San got to live in this huge nicely decorated home yet you seem to notice that his family is not present.

You see picture frames of him when he was younger in a monster inc sitting on the fountain at Disneyland.

There was also another cute family photo of San’s best friend named Wooyoung that he met since kindergarten, but sadly they ended up cutting ties since they went to different schools.

A picture that stood out from all of them was one of him sitting on his mom’s lap when he was five smiling super hard with his pretty white smile. You’ve never seen him smile that hard and you were always curious more about his past so the family photos have shown a nice glimpse into his past “Hey y/n cmon I made some ramen. We have to pull out the flashcards so we can study.” “W-wait, but your baby pictures I want!” “No time we can look at them later.”

He winks and gently holds your hand and walks downstairs with you.

“Here goes the love birds. We have to try San’s famous spicy ramen dish before it gets too cold.” Everyone sits down at the dinner table clasping their hands together ready to dig in until the door opens.

“Surprise brother! Sorry I’m late. Did I miss dinner?” San’s brother Jinhyuk walks in with veggie wraps and steak bulgogi in his hand. San runs up to his brother hugging him super tight happier to see that he finally made it home. “Guys this is my brother Jinhyuk. Jinhyuk this is Chris, Angela, and Y/N.”

Jinhyuk smiles at everyone greeting everyone. “So what’s been going on with you guys? I know you have been stuck in school together, but what have you guys been doing outside of school?” Angela started by saying “Well so far me and Chris have been seeing each other every day. We always go to the park or the carnival when we get the chance for dates. We have also been hanging out with these two right here.”

Chris joined in saying “Exactly right. You can say we’re like the Scooby-Doo gang of course without scooby.” San laughs adding on “No way you’re definitely Scooby. Angela is Velma, I’m Freddy, and Y/N is Daphne.” Everyone at the table laughed as they enjoyed San’s ramen catching up with each other.

Jinhyuk elbows you as he chats with you in the kitchen. “Hey, I noticed that you were sitting there staring at my brother. What’s going on with you two.” Your eyes flashed wide open as you were surprised by Jinhyk’s sudden question. You faced him scratching the back of your head not knowing how to answer his question. “Well, I honestly don’t know. I think he just likes teasing me. One minute he flirts with me, the next minute he treats me like one of the guys. My mom also doesn’t want me getting distracted so I’m trying to keep my distance.”

Jinhyuk laughs and then pets your head. “Well, you both already failed at keeping your distance. I think he likes you, but since you keep running away or avoiding him too much, he feels like he’s making you uncomfortable and that you strictly want to stay as friends. I wouldn’t give him the wrong idea to be upfront about how you feel about him. You got this kid.” He grabs your empty bowl for you and washes the dishes giving you that boost of confidence. “You know what you're right. Mama didn’t raise no punk. I’ll tell him after we finish studying. Thanks, Jinhyuk I owe you the next time you visit.” You give him a thumbs up and skip happily out the kitchen looking forward to seeing your friends.

After hours of studying flashcards, everyone finally studied feeling confident in themselves about the final test of the semester. Everyone packed their things and was ready to head home since their parents were outside. You were the only one that still felt confident about your process throughout the class so you’ve decided to stay an extra hour to study with San.

“Are you sure this is right?” You put the pencil down crossing your fingers as San checks your work. “Wow yes, that is correct. See you’re doing just fine. You only got 7 wrong out of the 40 questions. Just keep using that method I taught you and you’ll be just fine.” San smiles at you pinching your cheeks. “It’s 10:30 pm. Your mom is going to be worried about you. You should start heading home. I'll drop you off.” San started putting his notebook and laptop back on his desk getting ready to leave his room, but you pull on his sleeve bringing him back down on the couch with you.

“Wait, um why don’t we watch a movie or something. My mom is out with Mr. Harris anyways they won’t be back until the morning. I kind of told her I was spending the night at my cousin’s house.”

San smiles, shaking his head gulping, sitting back down next to you. “That sounds nice and all, but I don’t want to get you in trouble. Plus you do realize you’re staying over at a boy’s house at night.” You lean your head on his shoulder holding his hand yawning. “I know I trust you. You wouldn’t do anything unless I told you I wanted to. Just for tonight please San?” San sighs, lifting your chin patting the back of your head. “Fine, but next time let me meet your mom. I want to know everything there is about you okay?” You nod linking pinkies with him. “Deal. Now let’s watch Money Heist Shall we?”

The next morning you wake up in San’s arms as you share a blanket on the living room couch. You woke up fixing his messy black hair struck by his sleeping face. “Gosh you're even more dreamy when you're sleeping.” You checked the time on your phone and realized what time it was.

Pre-cal normally starts around 10, it was 11:20. “San gets up, we're late for class! We can’t miss this one Mr. Harris is giving us get extra credit today.” San woke right up alert as he wiped the drool from the side of his mouth.

“Dang, we gotta go. Here brush your teeth real fast, brush your hair and let’s roll.”

The two of you got ready as fast you could and hopped right on his motorcycle speeding through the traffic throughout the city.

You wrapped your arms around San the whole time scared you’ll fall on the motorcycle. San felt so happy whenever you depended on him for anything. “God I love this girl. I know they say I’m too young or going too fast, but I can’t help it.” He mumbled under his breath as he arrived at the school.

“Well well if it isn’t San and Y/N. You better be lucky you didn’t miss the test. We just got done playing Kahoot.” The two of you poured with your heads looking down feeling ashamed as you walked to your seats. The two of you took one last glimpse of each before Mr. Harris handed out the test.

This was it after everything you’ve been through this past month with San and your friends. The hard work was going to determine if you actually made it through or not. Mr. Harris gave you a whisper of encouragement you never heard in a long time except for your dad. “Y/N no matter what happens I’ll always be proud of you. Finish this strong.”

Mr. Harris' words almost moved you to tears as you smiled and nodded your head right back at him. Now you understand why Maria loved him so much he was always passionate about teaching and cared about your well-being.

You grabbed your pencil and your laptop as you started getting to work. The whole time you were nervous and a few questions caused you to slip up, but in the end, you remembered how to do most of the work. San seemed to be holding up just fine so you weren’t too worried about him, Angela would always double-check her work before turning it in and Chris was surprisingly focused the whole time.

As everyone finished their tests Mr. Harris checked everyone’s grades one by one slowly seeing their process.

He stands up taking off his glasses and says. “Class...congratulations on becoming seniors! Everyone has passed summer school. See you in the fall.”

Everyone screamed cheering as the paper was flying and everyone in the classroom cheered. “Yeah, you guys hang out at the carnival!” Chris screamed and everyone followed him out.

Before catching up with everyone you called your stepmom to tell her the good news with Mr. Harris next to you.

“Mom, I finally passed. Dad’s face right now you know he’s probably crying. It was all thanks to Mr. Harris too, he's the best teacher ever.”

You can hear your mom’s voice on the other end as she gets teary-eyed. “Your dad would definitely be so happy that you passed, but also pissed because he never wants you in summer school ever again.” The three of you laugh together as you share the happy news.

“I’m so sorry I doubted you and was super harsh y/n. I love you and just want you to succeed. Your my only banana muffin I got in this world so don’t pull off any dumb crap like this ever again.”

“Yes mom, you know I will. I made a promise to dad after all. I will graduate and stay close to you if it’s the last thing I do. Love you, I'm going to the carnival with my friends.”

Maria makes kissy noises back and says “I love you too. Don’t stay out too late. Matter of fact I’ll meet you there since me and Harris have a date anyways. See you there.” You hang up feeling emotional as you hug Mr. Harris.

Mr. Harris pats you on the back saying “Didn’t I tell you she’s very proud. Now I think you need to catch up with your friends before he leaves without you. I’ll meet you at the carnival.” Mr. Harris leaves the classroom giving you one last smile and heading out.

You walked in the hallway looking all around the school for San, luckily you found him in the science lab where he’s sitting by the window with a sad look on his face.

“San. We’ve gotta meet up with everyone at the carnival. Why are you here by yourself?”

San sighs, crossing his arms.

“There’s no point in celebrating. I tried reaching out to both of my parents to tell them about one of the biggest accomplishments in my life and as usual, they didn’t answer.” You sat right next to him at the window petting his head. “You know what, how dare they? Forget them.

You have a supportive big brother, an amazing group of friends, and the best teacher a school could ever ask for. You have a family right here and we’re proud of you.”

San lifts his head up as he sees your bright smile that always makes him helpless.

“You always know exactly what to say. What would I do without you?”

He links pinkies with you. “I really can’t wait for you to meet my stepmom. She gets on my nerves sometimes and we always tend to bump heads, but we always come right back together. Dad would’ve also loved you. He was always straight to the point and never held back. I loved that confidence he always had.”

“Oh yeah he did get into that accident last year, I’m so sorry about that.”

You shake your head “It’s alright, I’m still holding up just fine. I’m just happy to have you here with me plus I get to be seniors with you and everyone else.” San looks up at you one last time slowly leaning his face close to yours until your noses touch.

“Gosh, I wonder what would happen if I made out with Y/N in the science lab? The janitor would for sure catch us in the act.” You giggle flirting with him back.

“The only thing he would have to worry about cleaning up is the kiss marks that are going to be on your neck.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you were this playful. I love seeing this side of you.”

The two of you finally exchange a short yet sweet kiss in the orange sunset peeking against the window. It was going to last longer until Angela and Chris crashed the party with a loud knock on the door.

“Hurry up Freddy and Daphne the Scooby gang has to pull up at the carnival together. You guys can finish eating each other's faces off in the car. We can’t miss the flight of fear!”

The two of you looked at each other shrugging and walked together hand in hand out the classroom. “Well, I guess we will have to finish this on the carousel.” “Indeed, that sounds more romantic than making out while being surrounded by jars of disinfected frogs in the science lab.”

The two of you catch up with the rest of the seniors of class 2021 as you look forward to your last summer as juniors together. Today was going to be the day where you go all out and live like you're gonna die young.

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theyearsiturnedintoaghost · 3 years

Text

“But I Wanna Know One Thing When Did I Become a Ghost?”

Sometimes I try to pinpoint the exact day I became a ghost. I go over days and nights and try to decipher if it happened pre or post certain parts of my life. Was it before I finished college? Maybe earlier, maybe the day my parents finally split? Maybe it was the day I realized a boy I loved in my twenties was never going to love me back, and I just needed to focus on myself while life kept unfolding? Was it somewhere in the move across the country to finish college, and try to do something for myself that might better me, that my actual self flew out the window somewhere in Texas, or some other dusty road, and the entire years following were just my ghost years? Or maybe it wasn’t until after I let myself fall so far away from what I remembered myself to be, or what I stood for, or dreams I had, that I shrunk into myself so small and became a walking shell of who I used to be. Maybe it was the day I stood next to someone else at a bar, a different one than the bar I’d left that earlier unrequited love behind at, and thought for the first time in so long ‘is this person perfect?’ while I was introduced to him, and instead of being cool or sweet, or like someone a person would want to talk to - I blabbered on about some snowboarders who had a TV show that this person had never heard of, and I realized in the walking away from that person as a blush rose to my cheeks and my hands shook just enough to let me know that deep down I wanted to cry from my anxiety, that I was just too fucking weird for people, and not just that person, but maybe all people. These same type of ‘outer body’ or anxiety induced conversations and moments just kept happening over and over so I started focus in and realize I was the common denominator and that I must be the cause to my inability to relate to people or not be so fucking weird that I could practically feel their eyes rolling at me while I spoke to them. Clearly, I didn’t become a ghost because of any of these specific moments, but probably due to all of these moments all swirled together with so many others, and also due to my brain makeup and what I imagine is some missed diagnosis from childhood that today would for sure have me on the spectrum. Which, for the record, I’m completely okay with being on. Actually sometimes I think it would give me some kind of ease that maybe I’m not as ‘crazy’ or ‘out there’ as I’ve compared myself to be when I look at other peoples lives of my age. There’s no shame in thinking differently and having to work out how you do think so other people who don’t think the same can sort of understand. So please don’t take that as a cruel joke, or something to be angry at. It’s just me recognizing that people can be different, and sometimes they don’t know the reason for it because they were never seen properly.

So, I’m not exactly sure of the day I became a ghost - fuck, maybe it wasn’t one of those moments or days specifically, but a lot of days, weeks, or months; full of falling further from who I’d been at seventeen, even twenty-one, or twenty-three, or who I even thought I would be by thirty, that made me disappear from myself one day and just become this person who just existed in the world day to day, but wasn’t actually living. I ate sometimes when I wasn’t trying to disappear fully so clothes would fit me better or boys might think I was beautiful, I laughed when I was supposed to, went on dates like I was trying, got up and went to work like I was supposed to, read a book here and there, binged watched TV shows to have conversations and social interactions with people like normal people do, and tried to convince myself that this was what living was, I guess. Between all of these day to day things and smoking myself to sleep, crushing up pills in private places and snorting them through straws, or dabbling - to put it lightly and politically correct - into cocaine, just to pass the time and make myself feel anything most of the time, I guess vanishing became easy.

Becoming a ghost was easier.

It’s just not exactly clear to me to be able to figure out the exact date and time I fully realized I’d become a ghost. It’s not as easy as like providing an alibi for myself for one specific night, and not because my brain was so hazy and filled with anger, sadness, and drug fueled smoke and pills for most, but not all - and not all at the same time - of the years between twenty to nearly thirty, that I cannot fully recall the moment I fully realized I wasn’t who I remembered myself wanting to be, but really because I think it happened slowly at first, somewhere in between being lonely, living in a place that I kind of had a hard time fitting into, not in terms of the weather or nature, but in making a friend or two or feeling like I wasn’t so... annoying-to-people-based-on-reality-shows New Jersey in a non-New Jersey place, and even if maybe it didn’t fully seem that way to other people, trying to finish school and not feel so old being basically a junior at like twenty-three when every other person I knew had already graduated and was moving to the next levels of their lives - whatever those were - while I was working as many hours as I could to just pay the rent, trying to make a friend in any place - which is really hard for me if I’m being honest. To cut it down to brass tax, I think I’m socially awkward and full of so much anxiety that I either shy away and appear unapproachable, or I let people in too quickly and my heart gets broken by them when I realize I probably care too much for them than they do for me.

I think I’m just afraid of disappointing people. So instead I just disappoint myself.

I let people leave me because it’s easier. Why make them stay when they don’t want to? Why hope they’ll call first when they won’t? Why hope they’ll love me back the way I would have loved them?

It’s easier to let them go on and be happy and just... disappear.

It’s why I think I let myself slowly start to slip away from who I had been my whole life. Some girl who was hoping for the ‘happy ending’ the ‘good things to come,’ as embarrassing as those things can sound for a person to imagine, the successful life that I sadly felt I would achieve with the promises of getting an education and working hard, but instead was just always left outside of the winners circle. Not that anyone wins in any of this, but you know what I mean. The truth is, in life - from what I’ve come to understand - there are just people who lose less often than other people. I just got tired of losing, and feeling like I was losing all the time. I got tired of making it to my twenties and feeling like I was never going to be the girl who would ever become anything or the one that anyone ever actually wanted back. Sure, I had ‘romantic entanglements,’ if you could call them that, crushes, and drunken kisses, but nothing that it felt like everyone else was so easily able to get. Boyfriends, flowers on a date night, fucking date nights in general, a birthday party thrown for them; not one they had to put together themselves and hope at least five people would come. The things one may think matters, but don’t - not in the grand scheme of anything that actually does really matter to the world - but these things still add up as years go by, and as I kept getting older and older and it felt like everyone I knew had this laundry list of relationships and ex’s and I was just kind of aware of how... no one has ever asked me out properly on a date or reached over to hold my hand in a crowded room. Or knew the thing I wanted to laugh about in public without me even have to say it. Those stupid wishful, movie, dream life, fantasy land bullshit things that everyone tells you aren’t real outside of movies, but I just didn’t fully believe because I’d seen my own friends make eye contact with someone they loved across a room and I’d seen that feeling occur in real time. Maybe it wasn’t in a movie script ending kind of way, but it still happened. Small and simple, but it still did happen, and it was probably more beautiful than Hollywood could even fathom or conjure up.

And once I started to kind of realize that this kept occurring to people around me all of the time I just started to think that I was invisible. And soon after I came to realize I was.

And it isn’t just the relationships that make you feel invisible, it’s the other things everyone around me seemed to be doing or achieving that makes me feel sort of ‘less than.’ People getting - what seems like to a twenty-something - a big fancy office job out of college, or buying a house, travelling with a group of friends multiple times a year. Fuck, even just having a group of friends, that was actually amazing to me after like twenty-one. I could honestly walk through a store, or down a street and I’m not sure one person may have even noticed if I was there - or if I wasn’t. Even if I did daily routine items like where I bought my coffee or the days I shopped at a grocery store, or when I went for walks or not, I’m not sure if people would notice when I didn’t, or if I ever even did. Even when I was working in the office I got fired from, and commuting day to day, I’m not sure any one on that bus would be able to pick me out a line up even if I took the same 6:50 everyday. Hell, I’m not sure people who I worked with and spoke to would even notice if I wasn’t there. And when I would wash my hands in the bathroom and the automated sensor wouldn’t even recognize me, I really started to wonder if I wasn’t actually a ghost after all.

And day in and day out, month in and month out, year in and year out, all of it just started to add up. All the good things that were happening for everyone else - which was something I truly was happy for, despite how fake that sounds typing, like I’m trying to make myself sound like a decent human in hopes someone won’t just think I’m being whiny or jealous, I really was happy for them because I think a person - even some of the worst ones - does really want the people they know and care about to be happy; even if that happiness is seemingly impossible to hold for themselves. Regardless, deep in my heart I know that I was happy for them getting all of their desires, I was just sad I wasn’t getting my own ‘good things,’ or desires. And I felt like I had nothing to talk with people about. Like when I came to their table I was just... the person they knew who wasn’t progressing on any kind of timeline; even my own.

I started to feel ashamed about it. Embarrassed and stuttery about any kind of topic any one might speak to me about. So I sort of just stopped going to people’s tables. I didn’t want to see them look at me out of the corner of their eyes with pity as the thirty-something year old who had no direction, no love life, no career type job, and had not created or accomplished anything; at all.

And in the meantime, in trying not to fail, or having something to speak about that I felt I’d done a good job on or created, It felt like any kind of outlet that I tried to create to promote my own dreams or wishes just kept never hitting the mark. Trying to make a clothing line? Fail. Like even having one of these Tumblr’s years ago for my writing, anything I actually did write was pointless; or at least felt that way. Any story I’d completed, I wished were different or more original. I just kept feeling like other people had done the ‘path’ correct and they were all getting their foot in the door at the right times, and I was just... behind. My lack of being able to commit to a major at school, or even get an office job or internship doing something basic and day to day just didn’t appeal to me. Not in a way that made me excited for the next thirty years of my life, especially because that’s what I always thought being an adult was. Finding a place to work that allowed you to build a career, and just getting through that until you were able to retire.

I guess I didn’t really think much about the joy in any of it, or what adulthood really held for me that didn’t seem so mundane and boring. Like just something you had to do and there was nothing super exciting about it. By the time I made it to like twenty I kind of realized dreams I’d had since I was younger were already out of question. I was clearly never going to be that Olympic Gymnastic’s Champion I thought I would at eight - which even as I type this I want to laugh at how farfetched that dream even feels to remember - and the odds of me becoming Georgia O’Keefe, who I dressed up as for a 4th grade biography day - felt impossible, especially since my desire to possibly go to art school after college were kind of laughed off by my family because what are the odds people make any money out of art school? Plus, she mastered flowers, it’s hard to compete with the beauty of that. And I was clearly never going to be some teen idol movie star or popstar princess. Which was also very far off dreams that I guess I recall having around 14. But I was like twenty-something now, and I’d heard myself sing, it is not good, even just speaking I have a voice most people wish they could unhear, and the most acting I’ve ever done is pretending I was just fine for most of my entire life. Even though I could feel the sadness deep in my chest and gut that felt so heavy and dark I was afraid of even admitting it was there in fear of what other people might think about me, hell, what I might think of myself.

That’s the thing I’ve learned the most about trying to pinpoint when I became a ghost, I think I always was in some way, I was just never honest with myself about feeling that way. Not until I got much older and everything got out of control, that is. It’s why I’ve always felt more comfortable in my own space and house. Where I have confidence in myself and my own little secret hiding spots for where I keep the sadness or fears of inadequacy. It’s easier to be me behind closed doors and in the stillness of my bedroom or solitude of my basement. I can be me in places where everyone isn’t watching, or it doesn’t feel like they are. Where I can’t hear them laugh about me as they pass around a group chat or some other joke I’m not privy to. Where they aren’t looking at my messy bun and unfashionable clothing and the smattering of pimples on my chin, or sad eyes and splatting of goofy childish freckles. I don’t feel so odd when I’m alone. It’s when I’m actually around people - especially people who I don’t know, or who have job titles much more important sounding than my name, or people who have travelled all over, or created something beautiful that they are proud of - that I notice how inadequate I feel in their shadows. That any small useless fact that I might know, or place I’ve travelled, and job I’ve held, feels unimportant or less.

I am also aware that a lot of these feelings are just that, feelings, and not actual facts. That these people are probably not actually feeling these things about me, but that’s the way my anxiety and depression feels. It keeps me in the basement of my own heart and mind because it feels safer. Like assuming all of these people already think those things about me will hurt less when I find out they actually do.

And that’s the part that also hurts - a lot - is when you do find out that those people feel and think those things about you. Sometimes you only find out because someone tells you, and sometimes you have to hear them making fun of you behind your back to realize it. But it hurts all the same.

And it hurt the most when I was actually actively trying to reorganize my life and try to pull myself up out of my own depression and self induced spiral, and was honestly trying; going to therapy weekly, removing myself from bad places, narrowing down my circle of people, and mostly cocooning myself from the rest of the world outside of throwing myself into a desk job and reading books on my commute to and from said job. I stopped using social media, stopped talking to a lot of people, stopped doing a lot of anything.

And still I was a joke to people. Turns out, the people I worked with were just... making fun of me without me knowing. I was trying my best to find a footing and ‘build a career at a company’ or whatever the fuck that really means, and they were just laughing at how uncool I was, or terribly dressed, or the annoying voice I posses. I mean, I understand why they didn’t like me - most of the time prior I barely liked me - but it just sucked to know that even when you were trying to be an okay human, one that wasn’t fucked up all of the time and actively working on yourself two mornings a week where I cried so often about how much everyone hated me and how much of a fuck up I was, hurt so much worse than all the times when I was a teenager and felt like I didn’t fit in. When the mean girl in our neighborhood would invite all the other kids out to play manhunt, but wouldn’t include me. Or the girls in middle school wouldn’t include me because I wasn’t an A-Team soccer player or whatever other bullshit made me weird to them.

Because now I was an adult, who knew she was a ghost for so long, and when I was finally started allowing myself to be seen in any formation - people laughed. It made me wish I’d stayed hidden in my night shift jobs, basement hideouts, and in the comfort of the naps I took that were basically second nights of sleep, just with daylight shining on outside. It felt worse to realize not staying a ghost allowed people to see me, and even then they didn’t like me.

So I became a ghost, again. I cut off more people, stopped responding to others, asked some of them to stop reaching out to me, and just existed alone. I cried - a lot. In fields with my dog, who then was still a live, in parked cars outside of a job I hated, in the bathroom of that same job when I was constantly messing up and being allowed to have no responsibility, privacy, or final word on anything I did, I also cried in my bed, silently, almost every night as I stared at the ceiling fan spinning above my head and tried to transport myself to another place and time where it hurt less, I felt more secure, and maybe someone, or something, loved me back. But most of the time when I cried it was for the life I thought I was going to have, the one I realized I was mourning even though I never lived it, and crying for the other part of the person I let myself become which was a person that people at these companies, and ‘friends’ I knew in some parts of my life was a good reason for them to laugh at.

I cried a lot because I was never able to be someone, but what I think I was really crying for - and still do sometimes - is that I forget when I stopped wanting to be me.

Even the me that people in offices don’t like, or girls in middle school don’t understand. Sometimes I cried because I wished I could like that person more because at least than I’d feel like me. It’s hard to come to terms with that, hard to realize that I’m okay with not being liked by people, but it gets lonely realizing that having people in your life means all they want is for you to change. For you to fit the mold that they are okay with you being or who they would be comfortable bringing around their other friends. Someone who doesn’t laugh at the most inappropriate stuff, or snores in their sleep, or cries at commercials, whose car isn’t a mess, doesn’t hate folding laundry, knows when to call it a night at a bar one drink earlier than I do, or has a clear direction in their life and a slew of opportunities waiting for them at every corner with so many points of contact to makes those opportunities reality. Things for them to talk about at dinner parties or weddings as someone's date.

Things that people who aren’t ghosts know how to do naturally and effortlessly.

So I guess the real answer is, no, I don’t know when I actually became a ghost, if it was my whole life, or one morning when I woke up and just thought, ‘none of this is fun anymore,’ none of the getting high, or buzzed, or pretending I’m okay, or doing jobs that don’t make me happy, or never feeling the love of another human in the full ways that I wished I could, but instead tried to ignore and pretend I didn’t desire or want in my life. I’m not really sure when it all happened, I just know that I remember it all happening; slowly in random bouts of progression and over so many minutes of a life I kind of feel I’ve wasted to some extent, and hell, I’m unsure if I’ve ever really stopped fully wanting to be one. Sometimes it just feels easier to move through places and moments alone because it hurts less, somehow. Like it’s easier for everyone else if I just never get too attached to anything in fear that I’ll hurt them, or worse, they’ll break me, again. And I’m really tired of being broken by things that I may have thought were for me, but ended up not being.

And then there are the random moments where I peak out into the world around me, fully noticed by someone - in a normal everyday running of an errand kind of way - and walk away from a conversation or an event and feel a slight bit of content in my heart that I think maybe it really doesn’t hurt worse than never actually feeling anything fully. It’s an odd catch 22. Wanting to be seen, and being fearful of being seen in fear, on both ends, that you’ll end up broken somehow.

I’m unsure what any of it fully means, I guess for anyone. Do other people feel that way? Is it just a whole group of us who exist out there and feel - lost? Or scared? Or afraid to be who they actually are in fear that the life they lead now will no longer suit them or make them actually happy? And I know that this must be something people struggle with in terms of sexual orientation, but in a way, even as someone who does not struggle with that and knows I am into a certain sex, I still understand it in the sense that faking who I am feels wrong. It feels like selling out. Like I’m only living to appease other people, and I wish more times that other people were willing to live to accept other people for who they were; faults and all. Even in this cancel culture world, not everyone is good, and not everyone is bad; people can be so many things, it’s the idealization to put a label on everything that makes things harder I think. We aren’t ingredients in a candy bar for consumption, we’re people - ghosts and all - but we are all allowed to be phases of ourselves sometimes. Sometimes, you have to become what you’re not all of the time to maybe even fully realize who you are, or want to be, most of the time.

Unsure if any of that makes sense, but I think I’ll have to break it down even further. Maybe next time. In another post, where I don’t ramble on forever and come to no conclusion. This thesis would fail if I had to hand it in for a grade.

Unless of course it was a scientific experiment hypothesis; and maybe that’s all life really is - one giant cosmic experiment where the rules will forever change and the points don’t really matter. Some giant game of Whose Line is it Anyway?

From one ghost behind a computer to another reading, goodnight.

xoxo

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rbbalmung · 3 years

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Pokemon SwSh GPL AU: Character Headcannons P1

(From this point on, I am calling this Pokemon Sword and Shield AU the GPL AU after the Galarian Pokemon League). Here are my character headcannons! I am going to give each character and age and a general ethnicity even though A) time will pass in this au and B) obviously there are no countries in Pokemon. I will be giving them an age based on when the AU starts, at the beginning on Gloria’s Pokemon League Journey.

GLORIA:

-Age: 16

-Ethnicity: Half English, Half Japanese (English father, Japanese mother)

-General Headcannons:

o She is an introverted extrovert. She loves meeting new people and making new friends, but she is on the quiet side due to her troubled relationship with her father.

o Going off of that, her parents got a divorce when she was 6 years old because her father was negligent. She has not been in contact with him since he left, but he is at the base of some of her social anxiety. That is why she mostly speaks either in short sentences or not at all (going off her interactions in the game).

o The thing that makes Gloria stand out as a Pokemon trainer is that she can pick up on her opponents nuances just by examining them. For example, if her opponent’s breathing quickens, she knows that they are nervous and will resort to mainly attacks. That is why it is so hard for her to beat Leon: He has an emotionless mask during his battles.

o She picked up this strategy by watching GPL battles throughout her childhood. Gloria was often put in front of the television set to distract her from her parents fighting, and since she had to put so much of her attention towards the matches, she picked up on a lot of people’s ticks.

o Gloria is very clingy to Hop. She finds comfort in being near him, so she is often latching onto his arm, hugging him from behind, or holding his hand. The closer she gets to people, the more she hangs onto them. This is rough with Bede and Bea, so it takes a bit of work on both their ends to make sure they’re not making the other party unhappy.

o Gloria is ridiculously brave. She will go into pretty much any situation, which is why she just goes along when asked to join the dojo/go on an expedition.

o Speaking of expeditions, she looks up to Peony as the father figure she never had. She doesn’t outwardly tell him this because A) her relationship with her father really messed her up and B) the fact that he is related to Rose makes her a little wary. She knows how much Rose messed up Bede and does not want to cause more grief.

o Speaking of Bede, they actually become really close friends after the League wraps up and during Rose’s trial. Bede is one of the only people that can emphasise with her social anxiety, and luckily for him, Gloria doesn’t give up on people. She has to work on not being clingy with him because he does not like being touched.

o Gloria is the first female champion!

o. Victor exists in this au, but not until way after Gloria’s first year as champion. He is her half brother; her father eventually remarried in Stow-In-Side and had Victor a year-ish later (making him 7 years younger than Gloria). They do not reunite until she is 20 years old, but she accepts him as her brother easily (she knows how terrible their dad is).

o Gloria’s full name is Gloria Park. She does not have a middle name.

(I took the most liberties with Gloria because she is the MC and the game doesn’t give toooo much of a character. I know a lot of people head cannon her as super extroverted and confident, but I preferred this take for this particular AU).

HOP:

-Age: 16

-Ethnicity: Half Spanish, Half Black (His mom is Spanish, his dad is black)

-General Headcannons:

o Hop’s dad died when he was 2 years old, so he doesn’t really remember him. He never really had a father figure since Leon left to become Champion when he was 6. That is where is anxiety is rooted: Both his father (who was a firefighter and treated like a hero after his death) and Leon’s success makes Hop feel like he has to do something grand to live up to them.

o Hop actually befriended Gloria through their love of Pokemon battles! His mum invited her mum over for dinner, and while his and Gloria’s interactions were stiff at best during dinner, they really clicked after when they began watching the game on the TV. They’ve been inseparable ever since.

o I headcannon that Hop has ADD. He practically never sits still and has a hard time paying attention to things unless he is hyper focused. Hop is really booksmart, he just has trouble focusing. He also doesn’t really see the point in maintaining his grades when he’s just going to become the new Champion.

o He played soccer when he was little as an outlet for his ADD. He joined the GJPL (Galar Junior Pokemon League), but since he was in a small district, he never made it to the big times like Bede. He did manage to score fairly well with his wooloo, though, making him one of the MVPs in the 76th GPL.

o Hop is a nickname. HIs full name is “Hipoltio Henry Hoffman”. (Henry was his father’s name).

o Like Gloria, Hop is a really touchy person. They kind of rubbed off on each other, so he shows affection by linking arms, bumping shoulders, ect.

o After the GPL wraps up and he gets asked to be Sonia’s assistant, she gives him the opportunity to study abroad until he graduates high school. He takes this opportunity and briefly moves to study other Pokemon in Johto. He does come back to visit in the summer, which is why he ends up on the Isle of Armor around the same time as Gloria.

BEDE:

-Age: 17

-Ethnicity: White

-Headcannons:

o He never met his parents, but he was told he was taken away from them by child protective services. This made him really bitter from the get-go because they never came back for him.

o Bede has abandonment issues, but in a different way from Gloria. While she is willing to let anyone in, he is more prone to shut everyone out. He only starts to open up when he realizes Gloria’s life isn’t as perfect as he originally guessed.

o Bede reeeeaaaallllyyyy doesn’t like being touched. He got into a lot of fights in the orphanage when he was younger because of his short temper. That is barely the tip of the iceberg: There was a lot of shady things that happened at the orphanage that only stopped once Chairman Rose started showing interest in him. Bede doesn’t talk about this to anyone.

o Bede participated in the GJPL and made it to the championships two years in a row! He got to travel to Hoenn for one of them and meet the champion there. This was what brought Rose’s attention to him.

o The reason Bede didn’t join the league at 16 was because Rose didn’t sponsor him yet. Because of this, he decided to challenge Raihan for his position as gym leader of Hammerlocke. Sufficed to say, Bede lost pretty badly.

o He was very convinced that Rose was going to adopt him, which made his dismissal ten times worse than it originally was. He eventually comes to term with the fact that the Chairman used him and threw him under the bus when he realised that he could get in trouble for destroying the monument.

o Opal becomes his guardian when he accepts his new role as the Fairy Gym Leader, but she officially adopts him about a year later. He isn’t very good at talking about his emotions, but he does care deeply for the old woman and her acceptance of him brought him to tears.

o Bede gave himself his middle name: Steven, after Hoenn’s Champion Steven Stone. His full name is Bede Steven Doe pre-adoption, and Bede Steven Waltz post-adoption.

o He is super prickly, but after becoming gym leader, Bede mellows out a little bit. He is still haughty and self absorbed, but he is not as outwardly rude about it.

o He ends up forming a lot of unlikely relationships after he settles in his position as gym leader. He and Bea get along really well because of their proximity and similar personalities, Gloria won’t let him not be her friend (he has a soft side for her), and Marnie is one of the less eccentric gym leaders that he likes to hang around with at group gatherings.

MARNIE:

-Age: 16

-Ethnicity: White

-Headcannons:

o Marnie is the youngest of 5 children, and she is the only girl. Therefore, she was always coddled by her family. One of the biggest reasons she joined the pokemon league was to prove her true worth to her family.

o Out of all her siblings, she is the closest to Piers. She doesn’t agree with his opposition to dynamaxing, but they are both passionate about restoring glory to Spikemuth. He also spent the most time with her when they were growing up because her parents worked a lot (Spikemuth is a poverty-stricken town).

o Marnie is quite the little activist. It is a little ironic because she is incredibly soft-spoken and will swear up a storm at the same time.

o She gains a lot of fans during her GPL alongside Gloria because they are both favourites to become the first female champion. Instead of forming a bitter rivalry with her, Marnie elects to befriend Gloria because she reminds her of her friend, Primrose.

o Marnie LOVES shopping. She never really had the chance to leave Spikemuth growing up, so a lot of her free time when not participating in Pokemon battles is spent in boutiques.

o One of Marnie’s special skills is that she can see right through a person’s core. That is why she is initially kind to Gloria, Hop, and Bede. On the other hand, she and Piers both constantly talk shit about Chairman Rose. She isn’t really a fan of Leon either, but she knows that he is a good person so she tries to be nice.

o Speaking of Leon (to some degree), she immediately decides to befriend Hop when she realises he is also the younger sibling of a famous Pokemon trainer. They bond over their similar roles in life and their shared love of music! (Hop really likes Piers’s music and freaks out when he gets to meet him).

o Marnie can play the guitar and the piano! If she didn’t become a gym leader, she could definitely see herself going into music.

o I head cannon that Marnie is bisexual, but she is not currently aware of it. I will definitely talk more about this later in the AU or if I actually get around to writing a one shot.

o Her full name is Marnie Isla Lewis.

Next Part: Gym Leaders!

#GPL AU #pokemon #pokemon au #pokemon sword and shield #swsh gloria #gloria #swsh hop #hop #swsh bede #bede #swsh marnie #marnie #pokemon headcanons #postwickshipping

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kishimoto-did-us-dirty · 4 years

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Naruto Arts School AU

Reposting bc I love this post and bc I can lol

Character

- major

description

Naruto

-Drums

okie nobody can deny that our main boy over here is a loud soul, however, he can also carry a damn good beat that compliments his band mates’ music really well. Tbh, he sucked at music to begin with and had trouble matching rhythms and listening to his band mates when they played, however he eventually became a really good rhythm maker.

Sasuke

-Guitar (lead)

He’d be assigned to the same band as Naruto, and that’s how they met. This boy is a damn good guitarist y’all, but has attitude problems™, and used to not be able to deal with Naruto’s haphazard beat making, thus perpetuating a rivalry between the two. He constantly feels overshadowed by his elder brother Itachi, a piano major.

Sakura

- Dance

Ya girl fucking demolishes every single dance routine. Initially starting out with a focus on ballet (pre-shippuden in canon), our pink headed queen soon realized that she wasn’t getting the full experience of what it meant to dance. Her point shoes were her loves, however they hurt and nipped in places not just physical. She realized that she didn’t want to be pigeonholed into a genre of which she would be inhibited by standard, and rather to dance so as to forget technical perfection. Thus, what would partner with post-shippuden Sakura in canon, Art School AU Sakura got into hip-hop. And bitch, she goes hard. A lot of the other girls who she used to dance ballet with admire her for her absolutely BODYING her dance routines, but also for never sacrificing her femininity to dance and not taking BS for being a girl who goes so hard in a male-dominated genre. (Some people believe that hip-hop is heavy hitting and a little metaphorically “dark” so to speak, which Sakura is not. So obviously I expect a little disagreement regarding this, however if you look at people like Delaney Glazer or Kaycee Rice, that is how Sakura would dance).

Hinata

- Creative Writing

Shy and bookworm-like, Hinata can write the best poetry, romance and adventure pieces out of all the creative-writing majors. She’s especially good at writing character relationships and development, and has such a subtle sense of intelligent wit in her writing, that if you blinked you would miss it. However should you catch it, you’re sure to chuckle. Her only struggle is that she tends to drag on in important scenes, stretching them against the regular flow of the rest of her writing. Needs validation for her writing through an IV drip.

Kiba

- Drums OR Photography

Drums for obvious reasons (loud and obnoxious), although ruff boi looks good with a camera, too. Great at landscapes and street photography.

Shino

- Creative Writing OR Photography

I could definitely see Shino having fucking beautiful handwriting, and being a beast at writing anything within the sci-fi realm. I could also see him doing some journalism, and writing for the school paper. He’s very good at the logic of his sci-fi books and coming up with logical but enrapturing stories, that intermingle knowledge and mystery. He’s a very specific type of read, however, and may not appeal to all, however if you enjoy anything similar to Star Wars or Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, then Shino is your author. If this doesn’t float your boat, though, try photography-major Shino. He can get the best angles of bugs he sees, and has an extensive portfolio with entomology-related snapshots.

Ino

- Dance

Like Sakura, she, too, began with a focus on ballet, however began to branch out into contemporary ballet a little later than Sakura. This is another reason why Sakura switched her focuses, as she and Ino had always had a fierce rivalry for dieting (ballet dancers are pressured to be as thin as possible) as well as battling for technical perfection when they were ballet focused. As the two grew, Ino focused more so on contemporary, but can certainly do some hip-hop with Sakura every now and then, just as Sakura occasionally takes a contemporary class with her. The two still have a rivalry, however, just not to the previous extent as when they were actively competing against each other. They’re more like sisters.

Shikamaru

- Guitar (bass) OR Creative Writing OR Architecture

Smart boy’s a tricky one. He would either be a bassist, a mystery and historical fiction writer, or, of his school offers it, be great at architecture. Idrk.

Choji

- ermmmmm….. maybe graphic design? Tech theatre (props)? Vocal???

Choji is hARD dwnccnpc (that’s what she said). I could see him behind a computer screen, animating and designing games/covers/posters or whatever. He could also do something in theatre, but I don’t think he would do anything up on stage. Something like props would suit him. He might do something in music, tho???? Can he sing???? Help???

UPDATE: Choji is a band kid. He plays tuba or some shit. Big boy got big lungs.

Tenten

- Dance

Always has been, and always will be a hip-hop dancer. She wanted to be like Tsunade, a legendary dancer and followed in her footsteps, taking up hip-hop. (that’s why Sakura focused on hip-hop, too, because Tsunade mentored her and taught a few of her classes, too). Tenten is fast and can keep up with any beat. Not only is she a great dancer, but she’s also athletic, and does track and field (cross country), football, and softball at another school too, since the arts schools doesn’t offer it. Overall great dancer with styl. She’s really looked up to by some of her underclassmen for her cheery, but badass style and skill.

Lee

- DANCE (hip-hop, too)

It’s sweat. It’s burn. It’s energy. It’s Lee.

Neji

- Violin

First chair violinist in his freshman year for the school’s philharmonic orchestra. He be extra like that.

Gaara

- Guitar (bass)

He had a lonely childhood with neglectful/abusive parents, and rock music really helped him with that. Emo music is emo and often made fun of, but the songs have messages and Gaara related, so self-taught himself the bass guitar to help cope, and bring him closer to the music that salvaged him.

Kankuro

-Art

Specifically sculpting. For obvious reasons.

Temari

- Acting

Girl can make you cry with some of her monologues. Total lead. Has a seriousness in her acting that makes her believable, however can falter on the less-serious roles. She may also double-major in whatever Shikamaru does. And she’s better at it than him.

Itachi

-Piano

Boy could play any etude at age 7. Performed at Carnegie Hall when he was 10. And no, he didn’t pay to play there. The hall invited him. Began composing at 9. Has perfect pitch. Owns international awards. If he’s not at school it’s because he’s traveling to play for crowds. He excels at classical and baroque, however has an ear for romantic, and enjoys playing/composing pieces either written or inspired by romantic pieces. Enjoys Schumann, Debussy, and Tchaikovsky. Hates modern classical music, though. Can only take cinematic pieces composed by people like Williams, however can’t stand Prokofiev at all. He does like modern music, though, so long as it’s outside of the orchestral/classical music realm. He likes R&B. He would have liked to do film with Shisui, particularly producing, however his parents pressure him with piano, so he helps Shisui with student films and projects outside of school (will probably pursue film after graduating, tho).

Shisui

- FILM / VIDEO PRODUCTION

Fight me on this!!! THIS BOY IS SO GOOD AT CINEMATOGRAPHY MY FILMMAKING ASS CAN’T EVEN. AS SOMEONE WHO IS IN LOVE WITH FILMOGRAPHY, TRUST ME, SHISUI HAS IT™. THE IT™. HE’S GOOD AT EVERYTHING. CINEMATOGRAPHY. DIRECTING. SCREENWRITING. GRIP-WORK. EDITING. PRODUCING. HE’S SUCH A FILM NERD TOO, AND WATCHES OLD FILMS ALL THE TIME. HE’S JUST TOO GOOD AT IT. DOES STREET PHOTOGRAPHY TOO. HE’S OVERALL A GENIUS WITH CAMERAS. Does film with Itachi outside of school and teaches him, and the two are overall geniuses at filmography. They want to start their own studio together (they do, and it becomes huge). He becomes a leading director, while Itachi becomes a producer and directs sometimes too.

Sasori, Deidara, and Sai

Guess.

Kakashi

- Saxophone

It’s the only thing that suits him and it suits him so well. Has suave.

Obito (omfg his arms y'all)

- Not to say drums or anything, but…. drums.

Narutard 2.0. But he also dabbles in other areas of music. Like, he can also play guitar and sing. He’s also pretty good at music production. Makes R&B sometimes. He wasn’t always the best musician but proved to be a late bloomer, and really harnessed his potential. Tries to be as suave as Kakashi and his saxophone. He isn’t.

Hashirama

- Vocal

OkaYYYYYY. VOCAL GOD. CAN DO RIFFS AND RUNS AND HAS PERFECT PITCH. ALSO THE SWEETEST GUY??? WAS A CHAMBER SINGER AS A FRESHMAN. EVERYONE LOVES HIM, GOOD BOY ENERGY.

Likes to belt.

Madara

- Piano

Total prodigy, but hates classical music. Once was accompanist to Hashirama for a solo vocal performance and hasn’t been left alone since.

Tobirama

- Viola or Cello

Some sort of string instrument and takes it very seriously. Probably plays cello because violas are violas and that’s lame (if you know, you know). Has almost as many awards as Itachi and Madara, but hates his usual piano accompanist, Izuna.

Izuna

- Piano

Also a piano god. The uchihas breed them. Hates being accompanist for Tobirama. They’re secretly best friends though, don’t tell anyone.

Karin

- Tech Theatre.

Idk why. Probably started out with props and made her way up to TD (technical director) in senior year.

Suigetsu

- Tech Theatre

Fucking hates theatre kids. Assistant TD. Karin hates him.

Jugo

- Visual Art

Paints landscapes and nature. Really good with oils and gouache respectively.

Yamato

- lmao Trumpet.

Met Kakashi since they both play brass, but boy he ain’t got that suave. That’s why he plays trumpet. Lmao he plays the fucking trumpet anjdwcnojdnn.

Rin

- Vocal

Sweetest voice and could also play the acoustic guitar when she sang. Died in a car accident junior year. Kakashi was at the wheel when they got hit by a drunk driver. Obito saw the whole thing.

Kurenai

- Visual Art

Can create dream like paintings that almost seem like illusions.

Asuma

- Cello / guitar

Used to play cello because of his parents, but loves to play guitar. Can sing but his voice is raspy from smoking.

Gai

Who the fuck do you think teaches dance?

Jiraiya

- Guitar (lead)

Used to major in lead guitar. Sucked at first. Probably has a couple, casual Grammy Awards (they’re actually not that hard to be awarded with, The Recording Academy award many people outside of mainstream media. My school has a few). Now teachers as head of the Band department at this school.

Tsunade

-Dance

Legendary dancer. Probably toured with a few famous people. Now teaches. Mentored Sakura, and mentored Ino but for a shorter time.

Orochimaru

- Idk, didgeridoo, or some shit

Definitely a wood wind. Flute maybe??? Teaches now but no one knows what he does. Pedophile. Has a thing for Sasuke.

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louiseleblancdiggory · 4 years

Note

can you write something to rowaelin based on the song lost without you by freya ridings please 🥺 i love ur fanfics

This was supposed to be angst but it ended up being only a it angsty and a little fluffy? Idk, it’s quick and I think it’s cute. I would have posted earlier but I wanted my friend’s opinion first. Hope you like it!

Lost without you

Rowan knew he and his girlfriend were different.

He had known since the moment they had met, and every second after it.

Rowan was quiet, usually kept to himself. He liked nothing more than to study anything related to law and spend time with his girlfriend. Aelin, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. She was lively, cheerful. She was constantly dirty with paint, constantly sweaty after working with her sculptures. They had started dating in the beginning of junior year in high school, and the difference had never been something bad.

Until that Friday.

That day, as Rowan stared at his acceptance letter into Orynth College— the best college he could go to if he wanted to do pre law—, the difference weighted on him.

Weighted on him because Aelin wasn’t going with him.

She had gotten her acceptance letter the same day he had, but it had been a different one. A program, she had been offered, to travel the world and learn from some of the best artists alive. It was an extremely rare and exclusive program, and the fact that Aelin had gotten in made him so, so proud. He knew she wouldn’t—couldn’t— let it pass.

And that broke him.

Broke him because his girlfriend was going to leave for four years, and he didn’t know what to do. Neither of them liked the idea of a distance relationship, and there was only one other alternative then.

Breaking up.

Rowan loved Aelin like he had never loved anyone else, and he knew she loved him just as much. He thought it would have been easier if they didn’t love each other as much, thought it would have been easier if it was just a high school fling, but imagining his life without Aelin’s cheerfulness and mirth made his chest crack. Imagining his life not loving Aelin was brutal.

The following days had been hard. As both of them accepted the entrance, it looked like they were drifting apart more and more everyday. They tried to desperately hold onto each other, savor the last weeks together for the next four years. Rowan took her to every place they had ever been in a date, and Aelin drew hundreds of sketches of them. They tried to act like the loving couple they were, tried to joke around as if she wasn’t about to leave in two weeks. But it weighted on both of them, and they only let it show during the nights when they held onto each other so strongly sometimes it left bruising marks.

Now, standing on the platform Aelin was going to catch the train to Banjali, he wished he had held her a little while longer. She was hugging her parents and Aedion. She had already said goodbye to Lysandra, the brunette smiling at her best friend but tears rimming her green eyes.

“If you stop calling, we will hunt you down, fireheart.” Rhoe said, only half jokingly. He gave one last kiss on his daughter head and jerked his chin in Rowan’s direction.

The moment Aelin turned to him, her face crumpled a little, tears rolling down her cheeks. Wordlessly, he pulled her into a hug, peppering her head with kisses as she buried her face on his chest. “I will miss you so much, Ro.”

“I’ll miss you, too, fireheart.” He said, the words feeling too big in his tight throat. “I’ll miss you so, so much.”

“I’ll come back, you know? In four years.” She sniffled. Face still on his chest. “And I would never ask you to wait for me, but please don’t forget me. Or treat me like a stranger when I come back.”

“I would never, Ace.” He said and she cried harder. Aelin had always been close to her family and to Rowan and Lysandra. To be letting all of them go at the same time must have been brutal for her. Rowan wished he could do something, make her feel better in some way. But he also knew Aelin was strong and even though she was hurt right now, she would be happy eventually.

“I would stay. If you asked me, I would stay.” She said quickly through the tears. Rowan’s chest constricted, and a selfish part of him wanted to ask. Wanted it so bad. He wanted to have his girlfriend in the same college as him, doing all college shit together. He didn’t want things to change, and he knew that in that moment, if he asked, she would stay.

But he also knew that she was saying that because it was hurting, and also knew she would regret it later. And she wouldn’t regret Rowan, but herself. And Rowan wouldn’t be able to live seeing her regret the past everyday because he had been selfish.

“Do you wanna see the world, Ace?” He asked softly, his voice not that sad anymore.

She raised her face to look at him. It was pinkish, a few strands of her golden hair stuck on her cheeks because of her crying. Gently and smiling, Rowan rubbed his thumbs on her cheeks, taking away the strands. She closed her eyes, savoring his touch. Even crying, Aelin was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

“I want to see the world.” She said opening her turquoise and gold eyes, voice firm.

“Then go.” He smiled at her again, leaving her embrace. She smiled sadly at him, but five minutes later she raised her chin, puffed her chest and got into the train.

And then she left, Rowan watching her go to conquer her dreams. The whole world if she wished.

And Rowan felt so, so lost in that instant.

————————

It had hurt like a bitch.

Rowan had never felt so lonely and cold. Had never felt so lost without her.

Aelin was a walking flame, burning wherever she went. And now that she had left, Rowan realized how used he had gotten to her presence, how much he loved her.

Much more than he had realized before.

Rhoe put an arm around his shoulders, taking Rowan away from the platform. Rowan was glad Rhoe was there as they walked home. If not, Rowan might have bumped into so many pedestrians, normal people just wanting to go home to their own lives, completely unaware of the girl who had left minutes ago in a train.

“She’ll come back.” Evalin, Aelin’s mom, said.

“Yeah, I know.”

“And she’ll be pissed if you spend four years single and moping.” Aedion muttered, and Rowan scoffed.

“I know that too.”

When Rhoe and Evelin dropped him off at home, he went straight to his room. His fingers itched to call her, but they had agreed that for their break up to be effective, they had to distance themselves a little, at least in the beginning.

He just stared at his ceiling. And stared, and stared and stared.

He loved her so much, and missed her just the same. Rowan knew he was in love with Ace, but missing her made him realize just how much.

He had been quiet and sad for the next few days. A little bit better the next week.

And slowly, Rowan learned how to live without her.

He would go out, he would laugh and joke with his friends. He busted his ass off studying for the next four years, always thinking about the LSAT.

He went on a few dates. Dated a girl named Lyria for a few months, a girl named Remelle for a few weeks.

Even when his life was back at normal, when it had been years since Aelin had left, a part of him still held on to that love he had felt when they were younger. It was hidden in the deep of his mind, a dormant part of it. He would think of her from time to time, smile at their memories and even feel a pang of sadness, but it didn’t feel like it was going to consume him.

Rowan had never forgotten her, and she made sure of it. They didn’t call, not once in four years, and she had never come to visit. But to every city Aelin went, to every beautiful place she visited, she would sketch a small postcard and send it to him. Never with a message, no pictures of her or whatever she was working on. Just the sketches and the name of the place in the back.

A reminder. She hadn’t forgotten him either.

By now, Rowan had hundreds of sketches, all inside a box under his bed. He would sometimes look through them, seeing how her drawing was improving. He remembered that sculpting had always been her area of expertise, and to see her drawings become so flawless made his chest burst in pride. He would smile every time a new handmade postcard arrived, and would eagerly wait for the next one.

Rowan would have never forgotten Aelin, even if she disappeared for ten years and didn’t give him any news.

But he had to admit, he loved to know that she was thinking of him from time to time, too.

—————————

“Rowan Whitethorn, future lawyer.” Aedion smiled, clapping his best friend on his shoulder. “Sounds rather adult-y, doesn’t it?”

Rowan laughed, taking off his green cap. Today had been their graduation day, all his friends receiving their diplomas in different areas. Some of them were ready to go to work, like Lorcan and Vaughan. But he was going to law school now, the same way Fenrys and Aedon were going to med school.

“We are adults, Aedion.”

“Don’t you ever repeat those cursed words!” He said, and Rowan laughed again. “I have the soul of a dumb eighteen year old. Forever. End of story.”

“I’m sure Lysandra is delighted by the fact.” Lorcan said, and Rowan almost laughed at the vision of his friend. It was probably the first time Rowan had seen Lorcan in something that wasn’t black, and bright green and silver silk weren’t really his thing.

“Even if he acted like an adult, Lysandra would still be miserable.” Fenrys added, a smile on his lips as Aedion tried to smack him. Vaughan and Connall only shook their heads, laughing quietly.

“Ok, ok. Now the present for the grad.” Aedion said, and all of them turned to Rowan, almost scary smiles on their faces.

“We already gave out presents. And they were terrible, by the way.” Rowan said, confused. “Who the fuck needs a bright red silk underwear, Fenrys?”

Fenrys smile became more sarcastic as the others laughed. “I thought it would bring out the green in your eyes, Roro.”

“I don’t want any more presents from the five of you.” Rowan said, almost pleading.

All their smiles widened further, even Lorcan’s. Fenrys was almost hopping on his feet. Aedion was the one with the biggest smile, excitement almost pouring off of him.

“It’s not our present.” Aedion replied, and his blue eyes shifted for something over Rowan’s shoulder.

Rowan’s brows furrowed and he turned around.

The sight almost made him drop to his knees. There, standing in a plain spaghetti strap black top, tight dark jeans hugging every curve and black heels, was the girl who remained the most beautiful person he had ever seen. Thick golden blonde hair falling in waves until her waist, creamy white skin tanned from her years of travel, pinkish full lips pulled into a huge smile and turquoise and gold eyes gleaming with mirth.

Aelin winked at him, and Rowan’s mouth pulled into an equally big smile.

She held up her fingers, a handmade postcard with the word home in it between them. She flicked her wrist, showing the other side with a sketch of Orynth. “I thought it would be better if I gave this one in person.”

Rowan laughed with so much happiness as he walked back to Aelin.

And Rowan felt as if he had found himself in that instant.

Tags:

@abookishfreak @faerie-queen-fireheart @in-love-with-caramel-macchiato @jlinez @courtofjurdan @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @ladywitchling @maastrash @morganofthewildfire @queen-of-glass @lexflame

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starsbythepocketful12 · 3 years

Text

headcanons cause i’m in flarrie hours

they are THE couple when it comes to halloween costumes

all their outfits for big events (parties, gigs where dirty candy and/or jatp perform) are coordinated

carrie my femme queen & flynn my nonbinary lesbian darling

go to protests & marches together

flynn lends carrie books by her favorite Black female authors & carrie lends her books by her favorite sapphic poets

they make playlists about each other but the other doesn’t know they do it (julie & kayla are the only ones permitted to know of the existence of these playlists & have been sworn to secrecy, though julie has a strong suspicion carrie also makes playlists about flynn and vice versa)

have a joint pinterest account for their wedding moodboard

carrie adopted a tiger cub and named it flynn for their three month anniversary

they go to the mall together every other weekend and shop, which they both love to do and when they get home they always model the new outfits they bought

flynn squeals every time they see a dog in public and always runs over and asks if they can pet it and carrie always watches her with such a fond look that the owner almost always makes a comment on what a lovely couple they are or asks how long they’ve been together (something that has actually been happening since even before they were dating, and back then you can imagine the flustered ness it caused)

flynn often comes to watch dirty candy rehearsals, cheer them on, make sure they’re staying hydrated/taking snack breaks and that carrie’s not overworking herself

carrie is the first person that flynn tells she wants to DJ professionally and carrie gets her her first gig

eventually flynn gets into producing as well and ends up making a track for carrie, who writes lyrics to it and it becomes dirty candy’s most successful song to date

carrie says i love you first one saturday afternoon while they’re watching a movie on flynn’s computer in her room. flynn laughs at a joke and carrie looks over at her, her beautiful, incredible girlfriend, and simply can’t resist the urge to say it

flynn’s shocked into silence so carrie panics and leaves and doesn’t answer flynn’s messages

that night flynn shows up at the wilson mansion and throws rocks at carrie’s window until she comes out

flynn is upset with carrie for running out and ghosting her and carrie’s trying to defend herself so they argue but then flynn interrupts carrie by kissing her and breathlessly saying, “i love you.” carrie kisses her and not another word on it is said

carrie steals flynn’s hats

they’re not really PDA-y, they just happen to engage in a lot of unconscious, casual affection, like flynn often absentmindedly intertwines their pinkies and carrie doesn’t realize her arm is around flynn’s shoulders until she’s doing it

even after months of dating will still flirt like they’re in their enemies who are secretly very attracted to e/o era

flynn really loves art, particularly murals, so she drags carrie to a lot of gallery openings and museums

at one point when flynn’s going through a hard time carrie enlists all their friends for help making a giant mural full of drawings of things that make her happy

flynn happy cries when she sees it and is pretty much always seen hugging carrie for the rest of that night

only really cuddle when one (or both) of them is sleepy, though flynn does often sit on carrie’s lap

before starting to date, carrie would tease flynn for having stuffed animals during their sleepovers at flynn’s until they started dating and flynn started spending more time at carrie’s and flynn discovers that her girlfriend’s a little hypocrite

flynn has a younger sister and brother (sister is six, brother is four) and they absolutely ADORE carrie and think she’s the coolest and carrie thinks they’re the cutest

flynn’s like no they’re little demons and carrie’s says who says demons can’t be cute? you once called me a demon right, and im cute, aren’t i? and flynn rolls her eyes and fights back a smile

flynn also has a college aged older sister who she looks up to a lot, like that’s her hero and absolute role model, so naturally carrie’s terrified to meet her, and though she tries to appear intimidating at first, she can’t keep up the act for long and starts being friendly with carrie pretty much right away

one day they’re supposed to go on a date but carrie’s sick and forgot to text flynn telling her not to come so flynn shows up at her house but stays anyway to look after her

flynn reads to her and makes her soup

trevor & flynn play video games while carrie naps

flynn makes jewelry in her free time and consults carrie for her thoughts on every piece (in junior year she starts selling them at school & turns out to be quite the entrepreneur)

they have an inside joke about cosmo and wanda

a couple of the dirty candy members sometimes jokingly flirt with flynn and are like “watch out! we’re gonna steal your girl!” and carrie gets possessive and apologizes for it pretty quickly but flynn thinks it’s hot so it works out pretty well

will watch bad rom coms to make fun of straight people and throw popcorn at the screen when they get together

pet/nick names: care, baby, babe, love, (from carrie to flynn who shuts down upon hearing it) honey, (flynn to carrie, who becomes very giddy the first time flynn says it in a text message) sweetheart

if you couldn’t tell before they ofc have an enemies to friends to lovers arc

move in together after graduating, neither planning on going to college (julie goes to berkeley and nick some other place in california where they have lacrosse cause that’s the sport he plays right) and their parents think it’ll be a disaster but it actually goes really well

the first couple of weeks they fight more, all petty arguments mostly out of the stress of moving, but they always talk it out

it doesn’t take long for them to be happy they’re living together and feel really glad they took that step

two years after graduating flynn gives her a promise ring

carrie cries her eyes out and replies “of fucking course, you dumb fuck” when flynn asks if she’ll take it

ten years later carrie’s a successful pop star/choreographer & flynn’s a record breaking producer/DJ and they’re about to buy a house when they realize they never got married

it’s just a moment where they’re relaxing together on the couch and suddenly are like. oh

and proceed to burst out laughing

it’s a small ceremony, thrown together in just three weeks

carrie wears a short, light pink dress with a heart cutout in the back that would probably be more suited for a high school sophomore’s spring fling but no one cares

flynn wears a suit, and is walked down the aisle by her older sister

they both tear up upon seeing each other and sob through the vows (the traditional pre written ones, they wrote vows for each other but they recite them to the other when they’re alone, so it’s something special only they can share)

julie & kayla are the maids of honor, nick and alex are the best men

julie & luke’s five year old hernando is the ring bearer & alex and willie’s three year old umi is the flower child

trevor, flynn’s older sister and parents cry

even flynn’s now teenage younger siblings, who as of late have often been stereotypically cynical and moody shed tears

jatp perform at the reception (they have also become a hit band at this point)

when they get back from the honeymoon the first thing they do is get a dog

they adopt a golden doodle rescue named stella

a couple years later they start talking about kids and look into getting a sperm donor

because they love being competitive they do little games to decide who will be the one to carry the baby

it’s all jokes though, they decided at the start of the process that it would be flynn for the first kid and carrie for the second

but then SURPRISE flynn has twins

a boy and a girl named tyler and ollie (who’s who i won’t tell you cause fuck gender)

they don’t even talk about carrie getting pregnant now cause they’re busy with the babies and trying to manage their careers but one night, when the kids are eight, and flynn has just flopped onto the couch with a dramatic sigh after putting them to bed, carrie puts down her kindle and quietly says that she wants another kid.

they talk for hours because while flynn wants another kid too, when you’re both celebrities with demanding jobs and people constantly trying to peer into your life, that decision involves even more factors

they decide to have another kid and carrie chooses to take a step back from her career for now-she’ll return to it eventually but for now she wants to be able to just be a parent without worrying about work and not have to deal with the guilt that comes with working when she feels like she should be being a parent

though the kids have always been their main priority and they have done quite well dividing their time between work and being with them, and have done decently shielding them from the public eye (majority of the pictures of ollie & tyler that the public has are blurry candids, and the few high quality ones are from when they were three and they no longer look like that anyway so it’s all good)

it’s a harder process for carrie to get pregnant as she’s almost 40 and flynn was 31 when she had tyler and ollie

but it happens though they’re careful about choosing the sperm donor-even briefly consider asking reggie or nick-because with this kind of thing there’s always the risk that other parent could track down where their kid ended up and want to be a part of that kid’s life later on which is uber complicated for many reasons so they get those scary possibilities out of the way by just finding someone who they know wants to be in the child’s life

preston choi, a thai & korean american mathematics professor ends up being their guy

he’s immensely genuine, sweet, respectful, polite, and gentlemanly

when he came out at fifteen his parents kicked him out of the house

it was a long and difficult journey but they’re in a decent place now

but it’s not the family he wants to have and he’s tried but has yet to find a partner

but doesn’t want to wait to have kids so here he is, more than happy to co parent with flynn and carrie

so that’s what they do! tyler and ollie become big siblings to miles wilson-choi on december 10th, 2044

miles grows up in the most multicultural home ever, being fluent in 4 languages (English, AAVE, Spanish thanks to their tia julie, Korean, and Thai) all their life

tyler & ollie welcome preston and miles into the family with open arms, as well as the addition of korean and thai cuisine to the already amazing dinner tables they had of soul and caribbean food

when miles is seven carrie goes back to work full time, with preston’s assurance that he’s got this when her and flynn are busy and tyler and ollie (who are now fifteen) promising they’ll help out as well

at that point the long awaited julie and the phantoms/carrie and flynn wilson collaboration FINALLY happens

flynn wins her 28th grammy for it, leaving her tied with beyoncé for most grammys won by any woman ever (its julie’s 14th, luke’s 6th, and carrie’s 12th, and the band’s collective 10th cause alex never did any solo projects and reggie released one country album but it didn’t win any grammys rip though it was nominated for 2 CMAs)

#whew this got away from me #im sorry idk why this ended up being so long #like i legitimately apologize #idk what happened #long post #jatp #julie and the phantoms #flynn jatp #carrie wilson #carrie jatp #flarrie #flarrie jatp #headcanons

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thatringboy · 4 years

Text

All of my other TWST HCs

Because my Twisted Wonderland Headcanons have been my most popular posts, here I am giving the mob what they want! An almost complete list of Headcanons I have about every character and house!

This is by far my longest post and it took me three days to type, so I hope you guys get a laugh out of it!

WARNING: THESE ARE MY PERSONAL OPINIONS ABOUT EACH CHARACTER. IF YOU DON’T AGREE WITH ONE, PLEASE DON’T ATTACK ME OR OTHERS WHO SUPPORT MY HCS. JUST DON’T BE A DICK.

Heartslabyul

The word “Queen” is gender neutral

Frequently allows students from other houses to study with them

Recently expanded into two buildings dedicated just for dorms to house all of the students

Actually lots of words are gender neutral

Riddle

Does rebellious things with Trey sometimes

Actually struggled with gender for a while because of his mother and responds to all pronouns (he/she/they), but identifies as male

Sometimes uses the label “Androgynous Male”

Is attracted to Trey, but he can’t tell if it’s because of his childhood or because he genuinely likes his Vice DH

Has Tea Time TM with Vil

Abolished gender roles in NRC despite it being an all guys school

During Summer Vacation he wears jean shorts and mint green tank tops with red flip flops

Has a pet crab that is red and named “Queen” despite Riddle not knowing Queen’s gender

Queen is the mascot for Heartslabyul despite being a sea creature

We stan Queen the Crab in this house.

Trey

Enjoys breaking the rules with Riddle, even if it’s not very often

He dyed his hair green as a joke with Cater during his first year, but decided to keep it

Has fallen for Riddle. Hard.

But between his dignity, his position and him not knowing if Riddle likes men, he won’t say anything that could ruin the friendship

Rook found out by accident and actually helps Trey try to work up the courage to ask Riddle out, but Trey always backs down

Invented a type of Tea that soaks clover leaves and it tastes like vanilla mixed with mint

Cater

#SELFIE

Not really a drama queen, but will egg on fights for views

Sometimes his clones will develop different accents and that’s how you tell them apart

Has a pansexual flag in his room

Spends more time partying in Scarabia than in Heartslabyul

Is close friends with Kalim and actually crushed on him for a bit, but got over it once he noticed the way he looks at Jamil

Actually gives good relationship advice

Deuce

Was Bi-Curious during his Pre-NRC days and actually tried to put it behind him like everything else

However, like, everyone at NRC is some flavor of gay

So he gave up on his internalized homophobia and now lives his full authentic life!

Still uses the labels Bi-Curious and Questioning and often goes to Cater for advice

But his buddies love and support him no matter what

Is a huge feminist

Cater fully believes that Deuce likes Ace, but he actually doesn’t

Deuce admits when men are attractive, no matter if it makes them uncomfortable or not

Didn’t go over well with Jack

But the two are cool now

Ace

Probably one of the straightest guys you’ll ever meet besides Rook

Actually learned what the different teas smell like so that he never messed up again

Enjoys his fights with Grim, even if Grim is a little shit

Like seriously Grim is a little flying rat shit turd fuck but that’s just my opinion

Almost never learns from his mistakes and always pays the price

Chaotic Good.

Loves going on adventures with the Prefect and Grim!

Has never gone back to the Mostro Lounge without Jack or the Prefect

Also got really into Mermaid culture and regularly goes back to the Atlantica Memorial Museum to talk with that one guard

Has memorized the script from the Little Mermaid

Can sing You Pour, Unfortunate Soul in a perfect baritone vibrato despite his high voice

Also takes singing lessons from Azul, but only if someone else is in the room with them

Savanaclaw

Throws pool parties regularly

Octavinelle is almost always invited

Magift between the two houses is insane

Leona

Raging Bisexual, need I say more?

Goes to great lengths to find loopholes and just be lazy

Also goes to great lengths to help Ruggie

Hates his brother, but loves Cheka and his sister-in-law

Can’t properly digest seafood, but eats in in front of Azul and the Leech twins just to be a bitch

Is kinda clingy

Even if he doesn’t want to, he goes to all of the Savanaclaw vs Octavinelle vs Pomfiore karaoke battles

Can’t sing for shit, but likes to watch Ruggie and Jack duet and destroy everyone

Constantly reminds Malleus about the time they swapped robes

Actually swaps clothing with Malleus quite often on purpose to see how they feel

Ruggie

A good singer

But kinda self conscious about it??

Also a Raging Bisexual

Play flirts a lot with Leona, even though they don’t like one another like that

Is FtM Transgender, fully transitioned, and wears his scarf to cover the fact that he doesn’t have much chest hair and his scars

Only Leona and Crowley know

Gets a little dysphoria because his voice is still so high and because he’s shorter than everyone in Savanaclaw, but takes one look at Riddle, Lila and Ace and forgets about it

Jack suspects, but the two make a killer duo during karaoke!

Jack

Is straight, but won’t get in your face about it

Actually learned how to become a fast swimmer just to flex on Jade and Floyd

Has memorized almost all of Heartslabyul’s rules just because he didn’t want to be disrespectful

Arm wrestles with Floyd often

Helps out in the Mostro Lounge pretty often when he’s bored

His karaoke skills are out of this world!

Also has memorized the layout for Ramshackle Dorm just so he wouldn’t get lost in there

Tsundere? Maybe.....

Knows something’s different about Ruggie, but can’t figure it out

Respects privacy like crazy

Just a cool guy to be around

Octavinelle

Hosts the karaoke battles

Now pays their employees in the Mostro Lounge

Gives free singing lessons

Azul

Choir Gay TM

Aromantic Homosexual

Constantly has Boss Bitch by Doja Cat in his head

Actually has shit handwriting and it made his Golden Contracts all the much more powerful

His handwriting is beautiful underwater, though

When he’s feeling lazy, Azul transforms into his Merman form and uses his 8 extra arms to do things for him

Has a single picture from his childhood that he has not edited (or tried to edit)

It’s of him, Jade and Floyd graduating Junior High

All three of them are linking arms and smiling brightly

It sits on his nightstand in a golden frame

Gives most of the singing lessons

But doesn’t participate in the karaoke battles

“I’ll join if Leona joins.”

Petty about the karaoke

Jade

Once swapped clothing styles with Floyd for an entire day and was just chaotic towards everyone

Does this more often now just to relieve stress

Only the Prefect could ever tell them apart

Not even Azul knew they had swapped

Is Pansexual and liked Azul during Junior High, but got over it once they started at NRC

Can scare someone so badly that they tell the truth regardless of Jade using his magic

50 students were asked who they’d rather have to fight, 42 of them said “Floyd all the way! No way am I fighting Jade!”

Was actually popular in Junior High, but turned down opportunities to be more popular to spend time with Floyd and Azul

Can cuss in 8 languages

Floyd

When he swapped clothing with Jade, he actually enjoyed being calm and responsible

Loves to do things like that for Jade

Raging Homosexual, need I say more?

His Bakugou impression is on point

There are several videos of him just standing at the end of a dark hallway laughing and whispering “Die, Deku!”

Also really likes Volleyball despite being on the Basketball team

Takes Bean Day a lot farther than it needs to be

Flirts with Riddle a lot, knowing it upsets Trey

But doesn’t know that Trey actually likes Riddle

Has sea related nicknames for everyone

Scarabia

Everyone has to help take care of Snake

Monthly competitions where Kalim hands out free vacations

The competitions involve taking care of Snake

Who is Snake? You’ll see.

Kalim

When he learned what Pansexual was, he went around Scarabia clapping pans together to come out

Cater was the one who explained it to him

Loves to party and flirt with Jamil, but can be serious if needed

Sometimes holds group therapy for his dorm residents

But also PARTY 24/7 IF IT HAS ALCOHOL WE CHUGGIN’ TONIGHT!

PARTY ROCKERS IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT

Named his magic carpet “Jamil Jr.”

Flexes on Azul with Jamil Jr.

Is open about his attraction to Jamil, but also respects Jamil’s personal space

He and Lila sneak out at night to mess with people

Jamil

Has a pet snake that he never named

Just calls the snake “Snake”.

When Jamil’s busy, other residents take turns taking care of Snake

There is an entire chore chart and half of the chores involve Snake

Snake isn’t even the dorm mascot, he’s just Jamil’s pet

Tsundere TM

The only reason he doesn’t accept Kalim’s professions of love is because of his family obligations to serve the Al-Asim family

Takes family and traditions very seriously

Internalized homophobia? Maybe....

Petty as well

Has poured sand into people’s shoes and hidden scorpions in beds

Pomfiore

Usually wins the karaoke battles

Unless Ruggie + Jack join

Make up tips

Vil

I’ve said most of my HCs about him

But I’ll retype them

Wine Mom TM

Musical Theatre Gay TM

Tea Time TM

Fashion Police TM

NRC James Charles

But also respective of people’s sexualities

Has poured water into people’s makeup

Has attempted to give Rook a make over, but Rook is more acrobatic then he looks

Has never actually sung in public

Likes to keep people guessing over his singing voice

Has a cherry apple tree in the school garden that he spends time every day taking care of

Runs NRC’s GSA

Rook

Heterosexual TM

Wears Doc Martens sandals with beige cargo shorts and white polo shirts when not in uniform

Can be seen back-flipping away in this outfit while Vil chases him around the dorm

Is allergic to strawberries

Epel’s bodyguard

Throws rotten fruit at people and calls it a prank

His bangs were by accident

But decided to keep them

Pretends to hunt, but can’t shoot for shit

However does go on fishing trips

Has to have some Heterosexual Hobbies TM

Epel

Is an actual Prince

Like owns land

Everyone in the dorm protects him

Is actually like Honey Senpai

Will put you in your place.

Like fr is a top.

Despite being so small

I don’t know what his sexuality would be

Probably Bisexual

Can lower is voice a lot if needed

Ignihyde

There’s magic inside of the dorm that turns all fire blue, but the fire turns back to normal once outside the dorm

Doesn’t apply to Ortho’s hair, though

Has the most LGBT residents - even more than Pomfiore surprisingly

Actually, not surprising - have you seen Disney’s Hades????

Iida

Cat-sits for Professer Trein

Everyone believes he can set his hair on fire, but he actually can’t

His hair is naturally that fire-y color

Loves to prank people, but never in person

Social Anxiety? Personified.

Before he rebuilt Ortho, Iida had a robot he controlled from his room that went to class for him

The robot was named “Meg”

Now he just uses his screens

Owns a crop top that has a cat face on it that Ortho made for him

Actually wears it a lot, but nobody ever sees below his shoulders on his screens

Oh yeah, also constantly questioning his sexuality

Currently likes guys, but that might just be because he goes to an all-guys school

Ortho

Has tons of cat plushies in his room despite not needing to sleep

Also has a mini library in his room, but he memorized all of the books

Burns things with his hair

Also sews a lot

Spills tea about the dorm residents with Trey, Jamil and Lilia

Has a couple pictures from before he became a robot, but doesn’t remember taking them

Has a bulletin board where he hangs pictures of his friends and family

Actually takes photography classes from Cater

Doesn’t focus on sexuality, so he just goes with “Queer”

People assume he’s scared of water because of his fire hair, but he loves playing in pools

Once cosplayed as Alphonse Elric and Iida was Edward from FML

Has pictures of that as well

Diasomnia

Basically one big family

Even more-so than other dorms like Ignihyde

Has a vault of hard liquor that has been sitting there for centuries

Malleus

Responds to Tsunotaro

Smuggles hard liquor into Scarabia despite not being a drinker

Has a YouTube account where he visits old buildings

Floyd ruined his Ramshackle Dorm video by standing at the end of a hallway and laughing

Can turn into a Dragon

His horns aren’t sensitive

Lilia once hung Christmas lights from them and Malleus didn’t notice for the entire day

Sometimes Lilia jumps and pulls on Malleus’ horns when he’s being dumb

Polysexual, but leans towards men

When he looks surprised by something - he genuinely is surprised, not faking it for someone else

Doesn’t believe in hiding emotions

Is actually like 300 years old, but was frozen for a good amount of it

Also immortal and is stuck at being physically 18

Damn Fairy magic

Oh and he didn’t mind wearing Leona’s ceremonial robes that one time

They were comfy

Enjoys swapping clothes with Leona a lot

Also had a crown made of thorns that is uncomfortable to wear

He burned it, but hasn’t told anyone yet

Takes the term “mom friend” to another level

Just ask Silver

Lilia

Only calls Malleus “old man” to be a prick

Is like 500 years old

Has gone through high school many times

Can undo stitches in people’s clothing without them knowing until their clothing falls apart

Asexual Homoromantic

“Who needs sex when you can be a bitch?” - Lilia Vanrouge, 2020

Is Malleus’ royal advisor

Spills tea like crazy

Has catfished people

Is the cool dad

Sebek

Is a Malleus fanboy???

He named his horse Draco

I don’t have many Headcanons about Sebek actually

Probably drinks tea with Riddle sometimes

Oh and definitely a bottom

Is he Bi? Poly? Pan? No one knows

But he’s a power bottom

Silver

Doesn’t have a last name because he was raised by Lilia and Malleus

Is indebted to Malleus because of this

and Lilia too, but like I said, Lilia is the cool dad

(he is actually indebted to Malleus in canon, but idk if it’s for this reason or not)

just let him have two platonically gay dads that go to school with him

Once in a Diasomnia/Savanaclaw sleepover, he and Leona passed out on each other’s shoulders while Ruggie and Lilia took photos

The photos haven’t been seen in a while, but are still around somewhere

Actually has several photos of him falling asleep with his head in Lilia’s lap

His bed stretches across his entire wall, forming a bench almost

Owns a suit of armor

It has a sword

He can use the sword if needed

Can he just get a nap????

Because of his relationship with Malleus, seeing fireflies calms him down

Is this guy wholesome? Yes.

Is he a Bisexual top? Also yes.

Can’t make everything wholesome

Holy fuck my fingers hate me. If you managed to read this far, I hope you enjoyed my headcanons for Twisted Wonderland students and houses! I don’t know enough about the teachers to make headcanons for each them, but I do have one for the staff:

Sam and Dire Crowley

Married

This is the only reason Sam runs the school store

Sam is not qualified for anything else

But Dire loves him too much to fire him

Forget the wholesomeness between the Dorm heads and their Vices

This is the most wholesome pair

Okay seriously - I need to stop making these headcanons it’s midnight at my house. I’ve spent probably close to 13 hours (give or take with a lot of breaks) writing these down and doing research on characters just so that my headcanons don’t seem completely out of the blue. Also, don’t be afraid to post your own headcanons, even if canon doesn’t always support them. That’s the thing about fictional characters - they’re open to interpretation!

And now to the long list of tags....

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cenestpasmoi-bechloe · 4 years

Text

As I Lost My Heart in You

When you’re 16, initials of your soulmate appears on your wrist.It varies by person, but everyone usually spends time trying to find theirs. It doesn’t always mean that there’s going to be a relationship, sometimes you spend your whole life trying to find your soulmate.

Title from Mariah Carey's Underneath the Stars.

Gifted to @177-8 for the Pitch Perfect Fandom Drive!

Thank you for contributing!

I hope you enjoy it and I apologize for taking so long!!

For more info on how to help, visit the

@ppfandomdrive

page.

Read on Ao3

Beca Mitchell got hers the week of her 16th birthday. She didn’t believe in soulmates and initials. Her dad and her mom had their initials, but they had gotten divorced, her mom died of cancer, and while she was fighting it, her dad had found his ‘soulmate’. She couldn’t forgive her father for ding that to her mother. But she had gotten her initials whether she liked them or not, two letters, CB in cursive.

By that time, she had figured that she was gay, and she had dated a few people.

Her first girlfriend, was Juliana Taylor, but they had broken up, just because they weren’t feeling ‘it’ anymore. Juliana had BM on her wrist, but it probably wasn't her anyways.

She’d decided she’d give boys a try when Conner Basin asked her out. It was less of a date and more of a hangout with a bro, but she had figured he wasn’t the one either, after he had criticized Beca’s favorite video game. He had said the graphics were bad, and that the settings weren’t enough. Beca had called for her friend Stacie to come pick her up at the mall right away, which she did, with her flavor of the week, Jesse Owens.

Boys were a no-go.

Two years later, she was off to college, Barden University, full ride by her father, who is a faculty at Barden. Stacie went along with her, but with a full ride scholarship with her amazing high school grades. Barden had a weird rule about roommates, where everyone had their roommates select randomly by the housing office. That meant that she couldn’t room with Stacie, and she was bunked with Kimmy-Jin, the international student from Korea. Stacie had been roomed with a girl named Alisha, who stacie couldn’t stand. Stacie was literally trying to find a sorority just for their housing.

Chloe Beale had gotten her initials on her 16th birthday. She didn’t have one before her party, but somehow had one when she took a shower that night. It was a BM in bold letters. She had tried hard to find her soulmate, but couldn’t find anyone that was the ‘one’. She had dated a Bobby Markham, but his birth name was Robert, which made his initials RM, thus making it impossible for him to be her soulmate. But where was the rush anyways? She was still 17. She had college plus a few more years to figure out this whole soulmate thing.

She was off to Barden which had an amazing pre-vetrenary program. She met her best friend, Aubrey Posen during her first year biology class, and they had joined the Barden Bellas together soon after. She started dating Bay Matthews, a boy going to Georgia State at a party during the summer, but had broken up due to him being very possessive.

She had worked hard in the Bellas until her junior year, the senior Bellas that year were a bitch. The captain, Alice was the worst of them all. She bossed everyone around, and made Aubrey and Chloe do all the hard work. She was sick and tired of being bossed around like disposable objects. She had been so happy when the seniors graduated and they were finally the leaders of the group. She and Aubrey had decided to become co-captains instead of closing one leader for their group. After Aubrey and the puke incident, they were out of members and desperate to get freshmen on their team. During the activities fair on the quad, they had to ask so many girls to join, they couldn’t keep track. Although their determination, not a lot of people seemed to be interested. Chloe had almost given up when a beautiful brunette had walked past, not interested at first, but had taken their flier. She had said that acapella was lame, and that she didn’t even sing. That made Aubrey nearly puke, but Chloe had hope.

One day, she’s taking a shower, actually, hooking up in the shower with her flavor of the month or two, Tom, when she hears Davis Guetta’s Titanium sung by a beautiful voice. She stops mid kiss and walks out of her stall to try to find the owner of her beautiful voice.

“You can sing!” She’s surprised to see the brunette she had just seen at the activities fair in the afternoon.

“Dude!” She closes the curtains, but Chloe opens them back and asks her about how high her belt goes, and about how she should Jon the Bellas.

They sing together, and Chloe leaves the brunette’s shower stall with her boy toy. What she realizes is that she gad forgotten to ask her her name. All she had managed to see was the brunettes initials on her wrist, which had her initials, CB.

The day of the audition comes, and the brunette decides to arrive at the audition, and sings a song with cups at the end. She can tell that Aubrey is pissed at the fact that she was the best in all of the auditions, and Chloe convinces Aubrey to let her join the Bellas.

After the audition, she finds out that the brunette’s name is Beca Mitchell from the papers Chloe had asked her to fill out.

Beca Mitchell. Chloe’s already so interested in her.

They start with 10 girls on invitation night. The next day, two girls are dismissed, breaking their Bellas promise of not sleeping with a Treblemaker.

Beca didn’t think that shed be joining a female acapella group, and actually taking part in it. Her dad had told her that if she tried her first year, and she still wanted to become a DJ in LA despite trying hard to participate in college life, that he’d let her. That was the biggest reason that she had joined the Bellas, and second being that Chloe, the girl who had caught her at the activities fair, and barged into her shower, was kind of hot. Maybe some hot girl motivation couldn’t hurt. Right?

After the incident at the Semi-finals of the ICCAs, she was definitely getting banned from the group. They had fallen in third place after Beca had sung bulletproof during their set. Aubrey had gotten angry, and she had gotten accused of sleeping with Jesse by her. She was for sure banned from the group.

Thats what she thought, when she got a message from Chloe during the break. The Bellas were back in the Finals, and that she wanted Beca to join the practice on Monday. She thought she was going to be banned, so the message took her by surprise, but talking it through with her dad, she had decided she would go back to practice.

She walks into the auditorium 15 minutes late, when Aubrey is puking her head off, and all the girls are trying to get ahold of the pitch pipe.

She stops the whole argument, and the group shares an amazing moment and the next second, Aubreys tossing her pitch pipe over to Beca. She mis-catches it, and it lands in the pile of puke. Gross.

They head to the pool and have an impromptu mashup session where they find their harmony. They all hug, and Beca somehow catches a glance at Chloes wrist, which says BM. She tries to shake it off of her mind, but she fails.

Chloe had a BM on her wrist, and Beca has a CB. Could this mean that they could be soulmates? But Chloe hasn’t ever said that she was gay, and didn’t she have a boyfriend in the shower that day?

Beca tries to forget.

She really tries.

Beca didn’t believe in soulmates. At least that’s what she had thought. Right?

When she gets back to her dorm after practice one day, she tries to work on her mixes. She can’t seem to concentrate on anything. Chloe had looked at her more than usual, and Beca was getting nervous. Did she have something to say to her? Had she done something wrong?

Thats when she gets a knock on the door. Its usually Kimmy-Jin’s friends, so she lets the girl answer it, but to her surprise, what she hears next is a voice that belongs to Chloe.

“Hey Beca. Can I talk to you for a second?” She asks, and Beca looks at her from her desk.

“Yeah. Sure. What’s up?”

Chloe frowns, “Outside maybe?” Beca nods, getting up and walking out the room.

“What’s up?” Beca asks the ginger as she walks down the hall, and out the door, and she knows she’s heading to the Bellas house. The Bellas had a house, the house Tri Delta had used before moving to a new buildings. It was basically a sorority house, and they were allowed to move in from sophomore year.

“What’s up with you? You’re acting strange lately. “ Chloe says to her.

Beca shrugs. “Its nothing. N-nothing in general. “ She answers nervously.

“You saw my initials didn’t you?”

Shit. Had Chloe seen her that night?

“You did, huh?” Chloe says turning her wrist to show Beca. “Look, I saw yours in the shower that day. CB. Right?”

Beca nods, a bit more comfortable.

“And you’ve been thinking about this, correct?” She asks her. Beca nods again. “That we have each other’s initials.”

“I don’t even believe in soulmates…..”Beca mutters, looking into Chloe’s eyes.

“They don’t have to be relationships, you know.”

“Yeah, have you seen anyone with a soulmate friendship? They always end up dating, or getting married, or whatever. “Beca scoffs.

Chloe doesn’t say anything. She can’t find anything to say. She tries, but no words come out.

“See. And I don’t believe in this whole soulmates bullshit anyways. Can I go now?” She doesn’t wait for Chloes answer, and just leaves the building, leaving Chloe behind her. She doesn’t know why her aches so much, but she pushes her feelings down, and goes back to her room, crawls into bed, and lets her tears shed. Why was she crying right now?

Chloe stands there in silence, not being able to say anything. She doesn’t know how long she’s just standing in the doorway, until Aubrey comes back from her meeting with her professor.

“God, Chloe. You almost gave me a heart attack. Chloe? Chloe!” She holds on to her shoulder and shakes her.

“Huh? Oh, it’s nothing. I’m just a bit tired.” She shakes it off, trying to escape from Aubrey’s tightening grip on her shoulders.

“Oh bullcrap. I know you so well Chloe.” She scoffs. “What’s wrong Chloe? Is it Tom? Because if he’s hurting you, I swear to god Chloe, I’m gonna kill him….”

“No no. It’s not Tom.”

“What is it then? Its Beca isn’t it? Oh my god Chloe. It is! What happened with ear monstrosities?”

“Nothing. Can you leave me alone?” She runs up to her room and slams the door shut, and bursting into tears. Why did she have to be like that to Aubrey? She knows she shouldn’t have, and she’s regretting it so much. And she shouldn’t have confronted Beca. Now she had ruined her relationship with Beca and Aubrey.

Somehow, she’s managed to fall asleep, and she’s woken up with a gentle knock on the door. “Chloe. I’m sorry about earlier. Can I come in?” She hears Aubrey’s voice. She gets out of bed, and opens the door.

“Chloe I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have stepped in. I just don’t want you to get hurt, you know.” She say, giving her a hug.

“I know Bree.” She sighs, burying her face in Aubrey’s shoulder.

“Do you like her Chloe?”Aubrey asks, and she doesn’t even need to answer. “I know Chloe. It’s okay.” She rubs her back as Chloe sobs into her shoulder.

Beca ’s about to miss two days of classes when her father comes in to her room. “Beca. Wake up. Beca?”

She flutters her eyes open. “Huh?”

“Beca. What’s wrong? I know you’re upset at me but you’re upset for a whole another reason. What’s up?”He asks.

“NOthinggggg. Just some soulmate bullshit.”

“Beca, are we talking about me and your mother, because…” He tries to start but Beca intervenes.

“No. It’s not about you and mom or you and Sheila. It’s about my soulmate. That is, if there is even one anymore.” She scoffs.

“Who do you think it is?”

“Chloe.”

“Chloe in the Bellas. Chloe Beale?” He opens his eyes wide. “Oh Beca. That’s great!”

“No it isn’t. I just messed up our whole friendship. I just yelled at her and ran off.” She says looking down.

“Oh Beca, go talk to her. You might even find out that she’s not even your soulmate.” He says patting her on her shoulder. “Now go talk to her or go to your philosophy class.” He says to her and leaves the room.

Now Beca had no choice. She had to go see Chloe. Right? She gets up, takes a shower and gets ready to head to the auditorium to find Chloe.

Chloe decided that she would keep skipping practice until she was okay, and that probably meant for eternity. That’s why she’s surprised, when she hears a knock at the door. It couldn’t be anyone other than Aubrey, right? But Aubreys at practice right now, and she always texts before she comes back, asking if she needed anything from the mini-mart. That meant someone else was at the door. Right? What if its a…..

“Chloe?” The door opens and Chloe jumps, but there she is, Beca Mitchell, standing in front of the doorway of Chloe’s room.

“Oh my god Beca! You’re gonna give me a heart attack!” She says now trying to calm herself down. Her heart was pounding and it didn’t seem to stop. Was it her being scared, or was it because Beca’s here?

“I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you. I went to the auditorium, and you weren’t there. Aubrey gave me her keys and told me you were here.” She says as she slowly steps into the room. “I should’ve called. Or whatever….” She mutters, waiting for permission to come into the room. “I needed to talk to you.” Chloe shifts in her bed, making room for Beca to sit, and she takes it as an go sign to walk into the room.

“What’s up?” Chloe says in her most normal-im-okay-but-kinda-not tone.

“Soulmates.” She just says, looking at Chloe.

“Soulmates.” She repeats. “What about them?” She grips her fist tight, nails turning her palms white as she clutches. She’s nervous. She didn’t realize it until now, but she’s nervous. She’s nervous about what Beca is going to say. How it might change their relationship forever. How it might just come crashing down.

“What do you think about them? Do you believe in it?” Beca pauses. “Do you think we are?”

She’s been waiting for her to say this to hear her say it. She looks into her eyes. Beca’s beautiful blue eyes are twinkling. her tears are just barely there, right before spilling out of her eyes.

“Beca. I can’t. I can’t anymore…. I can’t pretend like we don’t have chemistry. Like we aren’t meant to be. I can’t do this anymore. Please tell me if I’m crazy, and I’m the only one feeling this between us. Because I’ll stop. I’ll stop if this is just me. So tell me. Am I the only one feeling our chemistry? The way sparks fly when we look at each other, how we slipped into it own world, that days in the shower? Tell me. please….” Chloe lets her tears spill out of her eyes, down her cheeks, and onto the comforter.

“Chloe….” Beca says, looking into her eyes, with her own tears down her cheeks. “I’m messed up. I’m damaged goods. You don’t want me….”

“I do though Beca. I really do. I can’t fight this anymore.”

That moment, no-one really knows what happens, or who kissed who first. It doesn’t matter anymore. Their lips touch, and their hands are around one another, and it’s perfect. No-one could break this moment.

“I love you Beca. I can’t help but love you.” Chloe smiles as she says so, lips still touching.

“I think I love you too Beale.” Beca chuckles.

“You THINK!? Beca THINK!? You don’t love me?” Chloe pouts, jokingly pushing her away.

“Yeah, yeah, fine. I love you Beale. There! Happy?” She says pecking her lip once again.

They’re kissing each other back and fourth, enjoying their moment together when they hear a knock on the door, and then the door opens.

“Finally. What took you so long?” Aubrey chuckles as she looks at them from the doorway.

“Nothing. Beca just had to realize that I was here.”Chloe chuckles as she pokes the younger brunette.

“Heyyyyyy!” Beca pouts, burying her face in Chloe’s hair.

“You two are disgustingly adorable. Don’t hurt her Beca. Or else, I’ll hunt you down and murder you. I’m not kidding.” Aubrey ays as she walks out.

“I love you too!” Chloe giggles kissing Beca’s head. “So are you going to come back to practice now?” She asks as she wraps her arms around Beca and pulls her down to her bed, making them lay down.

“Yeah, I guess so. I mean, you’re gonna drag me to them now right?” Beca asks, lifting her head up, and looking at the ginger’s eyes.

“Yup. That’s totally going to happen. But don’t worry. It’ll be worth it.” She gives a quick peck on the lips. “So, does this mean you’re gonna be mine girlfriend?”

“Um…… I guess?”

“Um… YOU GUESS!? Seriously? Get out of my room!” She jokingly pushes the brunette off of her.

“Sorry! Sorry! I would love to be your girlfriend. “ She says to her, trying to not get pushed off of the bed.

“Awwwww. Yay!” She wraps her arms back around her.

“Love you too. “ Beca says laying back on top of her. She didn’t believe in soulmates before, but now she did, and it’s a good change for her. She knows she’s going to be so much happier, and maybe Barden wasn’t that bad after all.

She then realizes that Chloe’s a senior.

But right now, it doesn’t matter, she presses a gentle kiss on the ginger’s lips and closes her eyes, falling asleep.

#bechloe #soulmates au #pitch perfect fan drive #I didn't know how to end it #I tried #please forgive me #I hope y'all enjoy it #ppfandomdrive

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krakkenchaos · 4 years

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I’m going to do a little experiment here. You don’t need to read it if you don’t want to, it’s mostly for myself. I’m going to list the fictional works that broke me emotionally in chronological order of when I first experienced them and try to figure out and explain why they had that effect on me. These aren’t just things I liked or things that made me briefly sad, these are the works that cut so deep that I wasn’t emotionally stable for days afterward. I’m doing this for some self-analysis and to hopefully alleviate some of those feelings I’m having now.

Bridge to Terabithia - Book - 4th Grade - Movie - 5th Grade - This was probably the first realistic depiction of death I ever experienced. It also planted the seeds for what would become some of my core worldviews regarding the importance of imagination and fantasy that I still hold today. My 4th grade teacher read the book to my class and visibly sobbed while reading the ending. The following year, my 5th grade class took a field trip to see the movie at a local theater. In both instances, it was unique to be in the same room as all my classmates, including the ones who usually tried to appear tough, all experiencing the same emotions at the same time.

Stargirl - Book - 6th or 7th Grade, I don’t remember which - This book introduced me to the concept of a “manic pixie dream girl” long before I ever heard that actual term. It caused me to think deeply about the nature of my close friendships, the importance of individuality, and the invisible pain that the people around me carried.

Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days - Game - 7th Grade - I was already attached to this series and its characters and this entry was particularly good at evoking emotion. Roxas’s journey had strong, melancholy themes of feeling lost while holding on tightly to the few things that make sense like watching the sunset with friends. This was, of course, especially relevant to me being early adolescence. Also, Roxas and Xion were and still are one of the few ships I really care about so the ending hit hard.

Toy Story 3 - Movie - End of 8th Grade - This movie released at the exact time I was graduating middle school to go to high school and my sister was graduating high school to go to college. Enough said.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 - Summer after Freshman Year of High School - This was the end of a series I had been following for what was at that point the majority of my life. Nearly everyone else I knew, from family members, to friends, to teachers, to crushes, to casual school acquaintances were following it too so sharing that "end of an era” together made me feel connected to so many people. I hope every generation gets to experience a popular saga like that.

The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee - Theatre - Sophomore Year of High School - This one isn’t about seeing or reading a work of fiction, it’s about being a part of one. Spelling Bee wasn’t the first play I had been in (I did a few Freshman year) but it was the first musical and the first to make me discover that theatre is my passion. This show is THE reason I was able to become more social, have more self-confidence, become passionate about something, and consider myself an artist. Both opening night and closing night were defining moments in my life. It was a new beginning for me, even though my high school experience kind of went downhill after that.

A Very Potter Senior Year - Theatre Viewed on Youtube - Junior Year of High School - This brought back the feelings from Harry Potter ending while also reminding me that it wouldn’t be too long before I would have to say goodbye to my own high school theatre family.

Finding Neverland - Theatre - Freshman Year of College - This was only the second true professional show I had ever seen live so I was really moved by the spectacle. It was one of the first significant experiences I had with the new theatre family I was meeting at college. It didn’t take long for that group to not end up being like a family at all, but things were promising at the time. Also, the story made me feel connected to my parents who were missing me at home.

Disney Descendants - Movie - Summer After Freshman Year of College - I know this is seems like a weird entry because Descendants is just a harmless, saccharine, Disney Channel musical made for pre-teens, but that’s actually exactly why it had this effect on me. I wasn’t super happy with how college was going or with how “the real world” was supposed to be. At the same time, I was missing my high school friends since most of the friendships I tried to make at college weren’t turning out to be as genuine. With Descendants, it was painful to watch something so intensely innocent, simple, and hopeful where old friends grew closer and new found-families formed and knowing how far removed from reality it was.

I was so busy and distracted and stressed during the rest of college that I can’t think of any other works from this time that hit me in this way although all the theatre productions I saw or participated in during college were powerful in their own way.

Death Stranding - Game - a Few Months Ago - There’s no real personal connection with this one, it’s just a masterfully told story that included a barrage of powerful imagery and music in its final few hours.

Juno - Movie - a Couple Months Ago - The movie itself is mostly just a sweet, funny romcom, but it made details about my role in a past relationship finally click to make things clear and reveal a lot about myself. (I didn’t get anyone pregnant if that’s what you’re thinking)

The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Movie - Three Days Ago - In addition to being an extremely raw story that asked me to view the world from the eyes of its protagonist (who I see a lot of myself in,) this movie resurfaced A TON of buried insecurities, regrets, and unfulfilled desires that I hadn’t been thinking about or letting bother me for a long time, especially the idea that I wasn’t bold enough in my interpersonal relationships while I was still in school. Being in quarantine significantly amplified all of the feelings it brought up.

#personal #perks of being a wallflower #juno #death stranding #descendants #finding neverland #starkid #25th annual putnam county spelling bee #harry potter #toy story #kingdom hearts #stargirl #bridge to terabithia

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traumantic-a · 4 years

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HOW TO INTERACT WITH JORDAN ( A PLOTTING CHEAT-SHEET )

so, you want to write your muse against jordan, but you have no idea what to do? have no fear! plotting can be pretty daunting—I know I always blank on ideas the second I go to approach someone about something, or I’m always afraid I’ll suggest something that’s overdone or that the mun isn’t particularly interested in. hence, this guide! keep in mind everything here is just a suggestion, so if you have ideas that don’t really fit what I’ve put in this guide, that is fine! throw them my way! and happy plotting!

MEET JORDAN RILEY ( aka a really quick character cheat sheet )

she’s a college student. specifically, she’s currently in her junior year as a graphic design student and is also a resident assistant, because it’s the only way she could afford to continue to attend school ( #justcollegethings ). like many students, her preferred study method is coffee and tears, and thinking too far into the future freaks her out, so she copes by screaming inwardly and pushing on even though she needs to relax ( whatever that means ).

she’s also a resident assistant. and surprisingly, taking the job wasn’t all about the money, though that was a big motivator. jordan genuinely enjoys the position; not so much the paperwork and having to enforce rules all the time, but getting to decorate her floor, help freshmen navigate campus life and academics, and plan fun programs and activities for them is something that makes her feel a sense of accomplishment. of course, the perks of having a room and bathroom all to herself make it extra nice.

she’s very involved. if she’s not working on projects, she’s designing layouts for one of the student-run magazines; if she’s not doing that, she’s hosting a radio show with one of her friends; if she’s not doing that, she’s at improv practice; if she’s not there, she’s probably stress crying in the shower, tbh. either way, she likes keeping busy whenever she can; sometimes to a fault.

she hates talking about ‘it.’ not the movie; no, she enjoyed both chapters, even if she hasn’t made her way through the brick that is the novel yet. no, she hates talking about her past traumas, she absolutely hates talking about the whole rothfield murders fiasco and the fact that she was a target because she spoke up about being assaulted, which is understandable, because all of that is shitty. she’s trying to move on from it all; she wishes the rest of the world would, too.

PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS ( aka a starting point for fleshing out dynamics )

be a resident in her building. this one is especially great if your muse is a college student; rothfield university is a big school and there are roughly six thousand students living on campus; 250 of those students live in williams hall, split across four floors. while williams hall tends to have a mix of underclassmen and skews heavily toward having primarily incoming freshmen reside there, it isn’t unusual for juniors or seniors to stay in the building because it’s cheaper than trying to rent an apartment on their own, and they don’t have to pay for a parking pass that they rarely use because there’s never any place to park. jordan has to keep in contact with the residents living on her floor, do regular academic and wellness checks, etc.; but beyond that, she genuinely wants to help them adjust to campus and college life, and likes being a mentor.

be a fellow art student/classmate. technically jordan’s major of study falls under the college of communication and information, but she’s on track to learn a bachelor’s of fine arts in graphic design, and she spends a lot of her time in the art building attending studio classes and pouring over projects. she has other courses she has to take to fill requirements for her core classes and the like ( such as art history, algebra, sociology, etc.); if your muse is a college student, why not make them a classmate of jordan’s? especially if they’re in different majors but happen to be taking all the same ‘core’ classes; it’s always great having a note-sharing buddy, if nothing else.

be involved in a club/organization with jordan. she’s an illustrator for a student-run general interest magazine, she has a radio show, and she’s in an improv group, and usually auditions for productions through the school of theater and dance whenever she has the time. make your muse a member of the editorial team on the magazine, or a blogger, or a fellow DJ, or someone who enjoys performing; I’m sure they’ll cross paths with jordan somehow, some way!

be one of her professors/mentors. chances are there’s a bullshit course your muse could teach if they don’t fit in ‘traditional’ courses of study like history, economics, etc.; my university offered two different courses on glass blowing; there’s no limit to what can be taught on a college campus to fill credit hour requirements. jordan’s degree of study requires a lot of liberal arts credits and she’s definitely the type to take a course on analyzing tone and message in zombie movies because, what else is she going to do with $800 dollars in grant money? she’s a good student, and tries not to skip classes, and will usually keep quiet in the back if she’s not up to participating. she also attends office hours when she’s not grasping something, and if she likes a class she took because of the professor, she usually tries to take more of their classes.

work at/in rothfield in some capacity. be another resident assistant, work at the coffee shop frequented by students, be part of campus security, be an event coordinator with campus, be that one lady who walks her three rescue dogs on campus every evening; there’s really no limit here ( the lady with rescue dogs was a thing at my school and I ended up befriending her, and she turned out to be the dean of the women’s studies department and is generally the coolest person I know, ANYWAY ); if any of this appeals to you, hit me up and we’ll flesh out the details.

be a townie. whether your muse is a student who graduated and never left rothfield or is a born-and-bred local that can spin a yarn about the history of campus, or just likes showing up at house parties for the hell of it, this is another great way to cross paths with jordan and strike up a friendship.

THINGS I WANT TO EXPLORE ( aka a living document of my wishlist tag )

jordan opening up to someone. jordan’s assault and the trial from her high school years were pretty well-publicized; while her name was never printed in the news stories surrounding the case, it’s not hard to put the pieces together when people find out where she’s from. this only becomes more apparent after the rothfield murders that take place over spring break 2019; being the ‘sole survivor’ of a revenge-murder rampage takes its toll in some unusual ways. it takes time for the trauma of the murders to fully sink in for jordan; initially, she’s relieved that her abuser is dead and gone and she never has to see him again, but that relief is short-lived. it doesn’t change the fact that she hasn’t fully healed from her past traumas and that she needs to be more vocal about her feelings and emotions; she needs a support system, especially considering her family is hours away and the only other person she’s confided in outside of her parents and sister goes to school in another state. I’d love to develop some close friendships where jordan feels comfortable opening up to others she knows she can trust and lean on when she’s having bad days; likewise, she’d do the same for those she loves dearly. she’s loyal at her core and if she trusts you, she will always be there for you.

more to be added as ideas come to me

THINGS I’M NOT INTERESTED IN ( aka...... it’s pretty self-explanatory )

your character ‘fixing’ jordan. through love, through friendship, through whatever; while all of the above can definitely help people dealing with trauma heal, it is not the sole, solitary thing that will get the job done. jordan will never rely on one person to be the sole thing that makes her happy and makes her feel whole again; it’s not realistic and it’s a harmful cliche that I don’t wish to perpetuate here. she absolutely needs friends she can trust, and she is capable of being in a loving relationship, but those are not going to automatically fix all her problems.

toxic ships. I don’t really feel the need to go super in-depth with this; while I’m not opposed to exploring shitty or toxic friendships or relationships, because those do happen, I’m not interested in doing so in the sense of “they’re toxic because they care!” again; very harmful cliches and stereotypes that I do not wish to perpetuate here. if I explore anything like this it’ll likely be with close rp partners I’ve had for a while and know I can trust.

fetishizing/‘fixing’ demisexual people. it’s a spectrum, folks; jordan needs an emotional connection with someone deep enough before she feels comfortable with intimacy. I’m not interested in anyone being the ‘exception’ to this for obvious reasons. if you come to me with anything related to your muse ‘fixing’ jordan’s demisexuality ( which existed before her trauma and was amplified by it, both of which are valid ), I will hard block you.

FINAL THOUGHTS so, I didn’t intend for this to get as long as it did; as far as the last section goes, a lot of that is common sense, but I’ve included it anyway because I’ve had similar experiences on blogs before with people coming to me with plot ideas that were inherently toxic and glorified to be something bigger/better, and felt it would be best to address what I’m not comfortable with and why directly out of the gate. keep in mind that all of this is a guideline, and if you have ideas that expand outside of what I’ve placed here, I’d love to hear them! don’t hesitate to approach me to plot, especially if you want to expand on anything I’ve listed in this cheat sheet. <3

#PSA.#WISHLIST.#ask to tag /

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vergeangst · 5 years

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Here’s a little something based off of this post by @coconut-cluster

Also, credit to @itsme98z for the idea of Emile being the teacher who helps Logan out with his situation.

Warnings: Mild self-hatred, comparing oneself to others, mild anxiety (mentions of fear for grades/being judged), Logan just practically drives himself to a walking being of exhaustion

Word count: 1,871

—————

Logan was one of those students who, to the outside eye, seemed to have his life together. He already had a plan for the future, already knew which college he’d go to and what he wanted to be when he grew up, despite only being a junior in high school. He got pretty good grades and seemed to dress to impress, wearing a tie and either a polo or button-up every day. Others in his classes seemed to look up to him in some ways. Logan, however, never saw himself in the way they did. He seemed to only see those above him.

Oh, how he wished he were them, the ones who graduated with a perfect GPA and got awarded as the valedictorian. Those who got all A’s all the time, who seemed to never have a problem with getting above a 90 on every test and quiz, no matter what class. Those who never knew what it felt like to fail so miserably at something such as grades. Logan tried so hard to be like them. He tried so hard to be perfect like them, though at this point it felt unattainable. He was in only 2 AP classes, as History and English weren’t particularly his best subjects. That alone proved to him that he wasn’t as good as a lot of other students. Even in his best class, Pre AP Calculus, he had a 91 as his grade for this 6 weeks.

His life was average at best. Sure, he had friends and a pretty good home life with a lovely pet and supportive parents, but he couldn’t bare to say anything about his disappointment in himself. He knew he wasn’t alone, but he sure felt like it. Logan knew that there were others, even some in his friend group, that got grades such as C’s and D’s regularly, so it seemed sort of selfish and mean to voice his concerns to them. And he just knew that if he told his parents all they’d do is try to reassure him that no, he was absolutely amazing and he had no reason to worry. But he knew that there would always be someone better than him. He knew he could never compare, no matter how much he tried.

These thoughts had been invading Logan’s mind more often this year now that college was just about a year and a half away. To make it worse, his AP Psychology teacher was leaving at the end of the week. Mrs. Kingswood had been Logan’s favorite teacher from the first day he’d entered her classroom. She had apparently been offered a new, higher-paying job in another part of the state. Logan saw the logic behind it, of course. She would’ve been a fool to turn down such a job, but that didn’t mean he’d miss her any less.

From what he’d heard, the person replacing her was a someone named Dr. Picani and he’d used to be a couples’ therapist, a fairly popular one at that. Logan didn’t have much time to think about him though, too worried about his US History, English, and Physics tests later this week.

—————

Logging into the home access center Monday morning, Logan sighed in relief. He’d made an A on both his English and History tests and a low B on his Physics test, which, with the square root curve, would end up as a low A, thank god. He walked into Psyche, a frown replacing the small smile on his face as he realized that the new teacher would be here today instead of Mrs. Kingswood.

The tardy bell rang just as he’d sat down in his seat, his eyes training on the stranger in the front of the classroom. He was wearing a white button-up with a brown sweater vest and a pink tie that matched perfectly with the shade of pink of his hair.

“Hello,” the man spoke enthusiastically, his bright smile immediately reminding Logan of his friend, Patton. “I am Dr. Emile Picani, but you can just call me Emile. Now, there was supposed to be a lesson today, but I figured that today could be a day for me to learn about all of you lovelies. Let’s start with the roll, now, shall we? Fiona..”

Logan sighed. While it seemed the new teacher was extremely nice, he also seemed to have the energy level of both Roman and Patton combined.

“..gan?.. Is Logan Foster here?”

“Oh, uh, here!” Logan spoke, raising his hand.

Emile smiled at him and Logan offered a small smile back before averting his gaze. He seemed nice enough, and he was respectful of his students’ preferred names and pronouns, from what he’d seen. Maybe this new teacher wouldn’t be so bad..

—————

Emile soon became Logan’s favorite teacher. He’d always leave little encouraging and helpful notes on Logan’s tests, which, to be honest, did help somewhat. Logan knew he wasn’t the only one to get the little comments though. He saw the writing in various colors of ink, pink, green, blue, or purple, scribbled at the top of every other student’s tests as well. That seemed to take away some of the meaning of it, except for when he used Logan’s name in them. Then, he knew the comment was for him and only him.

That was only a small booster for his confidence that lasted until he had to go to his next class, though, then he was filled with dread for the rest of the day. This feeling had become all too common these days. His grades began to slip, despite him doing practically everything he could to keep them up. He’d even taken to studying into the late hours of the night, trying to retain any information he could for upcoming quizzes and tests, going to tutorials for multiple classes a week, and asking his parents for help on his homework.

He still acted as if everything was fine though, because he was still better off than some others, right? So, what was the point in complaining about something if the person you’re complaining to is in a worse situation? That’s how Logan saw it, anyway.

Logan tried as hard as he could to do better, to at least just get back to where he used to be, but how could he do that when he could barely even stay awake during his classes? One day, Emile was passing the latest tests back, and Logan saw that he’d gotten a 75, the lowest grade that was still considered a C. He’d only sighed and looked at the note in the top right, this time written in purple. It read, ‘Logan, please visit my room after school.’ He’d frowned at that, but he assumed it was only a matter of time before one of his teachers questioned him about why he couldn’t seem to keep his grades up.

By the end of the day, all Logan wished to do was go home, curl up in bed, and hide from everyone and everything, but he still had to visit Emile. He plastered a small smile on his face as he walked into the room and toward the teacher, who was sitting at his desk, typing something into the computer.

“Um, h-hi..” Logan silently cursed the way his voice shook as Emile turned to look at him, smiling.

“Ah, Logan.”

“You, um, wanted to see me?”

“Ah, yes, of course. Please, have a seat.” He gestured to the desk nearest to him, which Logan made his way to, slipping off his backpack and sitting down. “Now, I wanted to ask, how much sleep have you been getting?”

That certainly wasn’t what Logan was expecting. “A few hours.. Maybe 2-4 a night.. Why?”

Emile pursed his lips for a moment. “You know how I write notes for each of my students?”

Logan nodded, the corner of his lips twitching up the slightest bit.

“I do that because I want them to know that I care about each and every one of them. I want them to see that they’ve done something that makes me proud, and that I’m here to help if they need it.”

Logan’s eyebrows drew together. Why was Emile telling him this? He knew that he cared for his students. He was one of the only teachers that actively sought out to help his students and acted as if they were actual human beings with different learning patterns. He used examples that students would understand and explained it to those who may not.

“I told you to come see me because I’m worried about you. I see that you’re trying very hard in my class, but you’re lack of sleep and possibly other factors are contributing to difficulties focusing.”

Logan looked down at the lines that squiggled across the wooden desk he sat at, biting his lip as he debated on telling Emile what had truly been troubling him.

“I-I guess my mental health has declined, as my grades have always been a cause of stress for me, but now th-they’re dropping and..” His eyes filled with tears as his voice shook again.

“And?” Emile rolled his chair to sit next to Logan’s desk, offering his hand for logan as a source of comfort.

Logan took the hand as tears began slipping from his eyes and rolling down his cheeks. “I’ve tried everything to bring them back up. Even before they started dropping I was trying to bring them up and I feel like it’s impossible to ever even get back to where I was..”

“Oh, Logan.. Here.” He retrieved a box of tissues, from where, Logan had no idea, and set them on the desk. “Have you ever talked to someone about this?” At Logan’s shake of his head, Emile nodded. “I encourage you to try to talk to someone whenever you feel like you need to. It could be a friend or a parent, or it could even be me if you’d like. No matter who it is, I want you to feel safe and less stressed. It seems that you’ve kept your worries to yourself for so long that they’ve manifested into this fear of failing, while also exhausting you to the point where you’ve accepted it, is that right?”

Logan nodded, a metaphorical weight lifting from his chest at someone finally understanding how he felt after so long of keeping it all to himself for fear of being judged. “Yes. Yes that’s..thank you, so-so much.”

“Any time, Logan. And hey, try to get a little bit more sleep tonight, alright?”

Logan smiled, nodding as he stood from the desk. “Alright. I’ll try. Um, could I possibly get a hug?”

“Oh, of course!” Emile stood from his chair to wrap Logan in a warm hug, allowing Logan to pull away when he was ready. Once he did, Emile offered a warm smile and clapped him gently on the shoulder. “Go get ‘em tiger. You got this.”

“Thank you again.” Logan smiled, feeling happier now than he had in a while as he grabbed his backpack and left Emile’s classroom.

This new teacher had really grown on him, hadn’t he?

—————

Alrighty, I hope y'all liked it! I’m currently working on a pretty hefty angst fic involving Virgil and the snake man (not saying his name or speaking of anything that happens for those that could possibly have a trigger linked to the character), so be looking forward to that in the future!

#tw self loathing #tw mental health #my writing #logan sanders #logic sanders #emile picani #lyss writes

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kishimoto-did-us-dirty · 5 years

Text

Naruto Arts School AU

Character

- major

description

Naruto

-Drums

Sasuke

-Guitar (lead)

Sakura

- Dance

Hinata

- Creative Writing

Kiba

- Drums OR Photography

Drums for obvious reasons (loud and obnoxious), although ruff boi looks good with a camera, too. Great at landscapes and street photography.

Shino

- Creative Writing OR Photography

Ino

- Dance

Shikamaru

- Guitar (bass) OR Creative Writing OR Architecture

Smart boy’s a tricky one. He would either be a bassist, a mystery and historical fiction writer, or, of his school offers it, be great at architecture. Idrk.

Choji

- ermmmmm….. maybe graphic design? Tech theatre (props)? Vocal???

Tenten

- Dance

Lee

- DANCE (hip-hop, too)

It’s sweat. It’s burn. It’s energy. It’s Lee.

Neji

- Violin

First chair violinist in his freshman year for the school’s philharmonic orchestra. He be extra like that.

Gaara

- Guitar (bass)

Kankuro

-Art

Specifically sculpting. For obvious reasons.

Temari

- Acting

Itachi

-Piano

Shisui

- FILM / VIDEO PRODUCTION

Sasori, Deidara, and Sai

Guess.

Kakashi

- Saxophone

It’s the only thing that suits him and it suits him so well. Has suave.

Obito (omfg his arms y'all)

- Not to say drums or anything, but…. drums.

Hashirama

- Vocal

OkaYYYYYY. VOCAL GOD. CAN DO RIFFS AND RUNS AND HAS PERFECT PITCH. ALSO THE SWEETEST GUY??? WAS A CHAMBER SINGER AS A FRESHMAN. EVERYONE LOVES HIM, GOOD BOY ENERGY.

Likes to belt.

Madara

- Piano

Total prodigy, but hates classical music. Once was accompanist to Hashirama for a solo vocal performance and hasn’t been left alone since.

Tobirama

- Viola or Cello

Izuna

- Piano

Also a piano god. The uchihas breed them. Hates being accompanist for Tobirama. They’re secretly best friends though, don’t tell anyone.

Karin

- Tech Theatre.

Idk why. Probably started out with props and made her way up to TD (technical director) in senior year.

Suigetsu

- Tech Theatre

Fucking hates theatre kids (I feel that (I used to be one so don’t come at me)). Assistant TD. Karin hates him.

Jugo

- Visual Art

Paints landscapes and nature. Really good with oils and gouache respectively.

Yamato

- lmao Trumpet.

Met Kakashi since they both play brass, but boy he ain’t got that suave. That’s why he plays trumpet. Lmao he plays the fucking trumpet anjdwcnojdnn.

Rin

- Vocal

Sweetest voice and could also play the acoustic guitar when she sang. Died in a car accident junior year. Kakashi was at the wheel when they got hit by a drunk driver. Obito saw the whole thing.

Kurenai

- Visual Art

Can create dream like paintings that almost seem like illusions.

Asuma

- Cello / guitar

Used to play cello because of his parents, but loves to play guitar. Can sing but his voice is raspy from smoking.

Gai

Who the fuck do you think teaches dance?

Jiraiya

- Guitar (lead)

Tsunade

-Dance

Legendary dancer. Probably toured with a few famous people. Now teachers. Mentored Sakura, and mentored Ino but for a shorter time.

Orochimaru

- Idk, didgeridoo, or some shit

Definitely a wood wind. Flute maybe??? Teaches now but no one knows what he does. Pedophile. Has a thing for Sasuke.

And that’s that!! Feel free to send in more requests!! Tell me what you think~

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simplycarrie · 5 years

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yeethaw and welcome to ‘sierra drops a muse because she’s bored’ i’m your host sierra. and i’m here to introduce you to my smol kid Carrington, who might i add broke my streak of space names but whatever. also i’m 110% sure this bio is going to be a) long and b) something v different from what i usually do

╰☆╮ HALEY LU RICHARDSON ─ CARRINGTON ‘CARRIE’ ALDERIDGE-SANGSTER identifies as CIS-FEMALE and uses SHE/HER pronouns. they’re a SINGER-SONGWRITER/ACTRESS, and they’re only TWENTY ! they’re said to be WARM-HEARTED, but also DOGMATIC. i guess that’s why they’re known as THE FERVOUR in the tabloids. ( florence welch / lauren jauregui )

the baby doll + the contingent — aka her early years [ infant to 12. musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ]

carrington amelia elizabeth alderidge-sangster was subject to the same cruelty as her half-sister anastasia, getting the longest fucking name possible. although she doesn’t go by carrington, both her friends and family call her ‘carrie’

she was born june 30th making her a cancer: ‘ the crab. cancerians are seen as sensitive and emotional, and in fact they are. they’re the cry babies of the zodiac, though they’re a lot tougher than people give them credit for. they’re maternal and caring and empathetic as all heck, with a tendency towards traditional values- deep down, they want the white picket fence. along with virgo and libra, they’re one of the most romantic of the signs.’ but this information won’t be relevant until later

was v spoiled as child, and got basically anything she wanted? caused her to be a bit of a brat as a kid and she constantly needed validation from others. she had the picture perfect childhood if we’re being completely honest

always wanted attention, always needed to make sure that she knew other people were aware that she needed their attention

then she was shipped off to le rosey to follow in her sister anastasia’s footsteps and boy oh boy thing changed for her

the sovereign + the opulent — aka her teenage years [ 13 to 18. musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ]

remember how i said that carrington was very needy and constantly wanted validation? yeah just about the moment she stepped foot on the lush green grass of le rosey she changed

was immediately the girl who was colgate smiles and perfect posture on school brochures, brandishing a tennis racket beneath a blurb about the institute’s proficiency in churning out well-rounded pupils, but underneath? she was the devil’s reincarnate of blair waldorf.

although her sister was two years ahead of her but left a reputation behind with her, and so in turn carrington was immediately popular, and she used it to her advantage

mixing in her family’s pre-established wealth ( which she flaunted at literally every opportunity she got ) with new-found popularity carrington ruled the school brandishing a fashionably velvet fist

she was bitchy to everyone, she disregarded other people’s feelings was callous and abrasive, and didn’t care what anyone had to say about her ( because she’d end up ruining their reputation and smiling in their face afterwards )

although her family wanted her to be like anastasia playing tennis and being the model student ( which she was for her first year ) she ended up finding her passion for music, quickly joining and leading le rosey’s school choir

carrington was smarter than anyone ( including herself ) gave her credit for, she aced all of her classes, and was on the road to becoming le rosey’s next valedictorian

then, she met him. the supposed ‘love of her life’. the one who was so close to making her soften and lose track of her studies, and just run away with him. until, she found someone ‘better’ stabbing him in the back, and promptly sashaying away from the damage

though leaving him was perhaps the biggest mistake she ever made, the ‘better’ thing she found turned out to be much worse. she was abused emotionally and physically, and they had sex whenever he felt like it.

suddenly she was with child, and in a panic she called stas, who took her to get an abortion without her family knowing, to this day stas is the only person knows about her daughter that never came to be, supposed to be named cornelia anastasia daphne alderidge-sangster

finally senior year approached and not wanting to break her facade carrington continued on her studies, and when she graduated she was given the honor of valedictorian ( along with winning prom queen at both her junior and senior prom )

the fervour + the fallen angel — aka the current years [ 19 to present. musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ]

carrington had plenty of offers to go to college, but the one she settled on was the juilliard school in manhattan, new york she earned her aa in both acting and vocal arts, and also has full intentions of returning to juilliard in the spring to achieve her ba in those same two things

of course carrington’s talents didn’t go unnoticed, she was quickly offered a netflix show which is currently recording it’s first season, being one of the top rated netflix comedies/dramas ( think ‘one day at a time’ and ‘brooklyn nine-nine’ )

she’s very different from when she was a teenager, after her mother fell ill, and her step-father passed away she’s become very sensitive to the feelings of others, and her own feelings, she’s very maternal and will try to protect everyone, no matter how atrocious of a job she does

she’s very much a hopeless romantic, she’s read each and every single one of stas’s books at least five times, and she wants a love so deep she won’t have enough words in the english language to describe it

falls in love with just about anyone, no matter how bad they are for her, you could do something as nice as hold the door open for her, and immediately she’s falling head over heels for you, thinking about you, and planning your wedding together

wanted connections: ( there’s a lot skskksks )

familial —

half sibling - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] anastasia daphne margeurite sangster. when they grew up carrington was a bit of a brat, and they didn’t get along to well, but after spending so many years together they’ve not only become sisters, but also best friends.

romantic —

high school sweethearts - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] the boyfriend that she met and dumped at le rosey, she was in love with him, truly she was, and maybe a huge part of her always will be but she like to think that ship has long since sailed.

long distance relationship - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] an online relationship; something that actually lasted for a good while? he would’ve still been at le rosey so they’ve never met in person but something soft where they called and skyped all the time but over time things fizzled out because she got so busy with his school and work.

secret relationship - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] although carrington still isn’t out as bisexual, this was always the case, at one point she had to hide the relationship between her and the girl she loved, which is perhaps why it ended, but despite it all carrington will always love her to some degree.

toxic relationship - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] carrington probably got cheated on by this person, and dumped multiple times, but there was something about them that just made her keep coming back for more, and she did every single time. until one day, she just didn’t. Or maybe they didn’t come back, or maybe she moved on, either way they haven’t spoken since.

pr relationship - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] carrington is essentially america’s sweetheart, i mean imagine an heiress, turned singer-songwriter, and now a house favorite sitcom star, where’s the blemish in her status? that’s exactly what happened when their agents set these two up, i mean after all, how hard can faking a relationship be?

skinny love - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] carrington has an extremely bad habit of falling in love with people, the only twist is this time this person fell back, except carrington is much too afraid to admit to herself that they’ve moved their relationship past being ‘just friends’ and so she doesn’t.

unrequited crush - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] like i stated previously carrington has a really bad tendency to fall in love with those who don’t want her back, and this time is obviously no different, she’s probably never told them about her crush, and has absolutely zero intention to do so, but we all new york has a funny way of making people confess.

fwb - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] carrington is far from being known for her sexual prowess, but she is known for getting her heart broken, and that’s exactly what happens every time these two hook up. carrington tries convincing herself that it’s normal, and most of the time she’s successful, but every now and then she can’t help but wonder if they should stick to being just friends, after all she gets attached far too easily.

platonic —

squad - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] oh gosh these four have been inseparable from the moment they met, sure they fight but in the end, no matter what, they promised each other that they would stay friends until the very end.

best friend - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] after being the devil’s reincarnate throughout high school, carrington kinda pushed away the idea a best friend, she simply shrugged off the thought of finding someone who could understand herm and then suddenly she found them, her best friend, she loves them to bits and pieces, and somehow they just feel like an extension of her, nowadays carrington could never imagine going about life without them.

roommate - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] carrington has a fairly big penthouse, alright more than fairly big, and to keep herself from getting lonely she got a roommate, and about a billion animals for, although their house looks like a zoo, carrington actually loves her roommate? they’ve seen her at her highest and lowest points, and have decided to live with her dumbass through it all, they don’t even have a problem with the millions of animals living with them, honestly where would she be without them?

good influence - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] carrington is known for her impulsive decisions and irreversible actions, but with this person by her side the world seems like it’s at carrington’s fingertips. she’d probably rank them very high on the list of the best things that have ever happened to her, right next to anastasia and hot cheetohs.

bad influence - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] carrington has never been one for parties, maybe it’s the fact that she’s not old enough to drink, or that she’s a hermit half the time, but she’d much rather hang out by herself taking pictures of her pets, and going on her own little adventures around new york. but with them, her adventures seem to be hard to remember, and parties seem so much more fun.

unlikely friends - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] carrington is probably the exact opposite of this person, personality wise, fashion wise, but yet despite the odds these two are still friends, and she actually enjoys it? sometimes she wishes she was outspoken and brash as they are, that she could learn to distance herself so easily, but they constantly prove themselves to be one of the closest friends she has.

frenemies - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] one minute they’re insulting each other, the next they’re getting mani-pedis and getting brunch together. no one can quite tell if they love or hate each other most the times, not even them.

enemies - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] it’s just every little thing this person does just irritates carrington, for one reason or another, and at this point she’s given up trying to be cordial, or even pretending to be.

ex-best friend - [ musings: 01. 02. 03. 04. ] maybe they were best friends back in their le rosey days or maybe they met and immediately clicked but somehow in some way it just stopped. and carrington hates knowing that people don’t like her, plus they were really close and carrington really thought maybe she could glue their friendship back together, or that somehow if she held on tight enough then her best friend would stop slipping from her fingers, but it turns out the tighter you grip something, the easier you lose it, she definitely still misses them, and still probably accidentally texts them from time to time.

#intro #death tw #pregnancy tw #abortion tw #abuse tw #let me know if i missed anythine! because i promise i don't remember writing this #sksksks hennyways like this for plots!

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delphiines-blog1 · 5 years

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hey y’all i’m venus (she/her, 16, EST) !! this is my gal delphine who is a gigantic Mess who likes to pretend she’s not ! feel free to like this and i will IM u or (more preferably) hmu on discord @ venus#2740 !!! under the cut is a summary of her bio and personality ! u can also check out the full length of stuff over @ her bio page and her stats page !! i also got a wanted connections page if ur into that !!

❝ JESSICA VU + CISFEMALE + SHE/HER ❞ watch out, chad stockingham was just talking about their new move-in, twenty-one* year old delphine nguyen. yeah, that’s floor 2. i saw the junior carrying in her annotated jane austen collection earlier, ridiculous, right? in the cheifowitz facebook group, they described themselves as +pragmatic and +fastidious, but i’m getting a -dogmatic and -circumspect vibe from them – i mean, they always see the glass half-empty. oh and before you go say hi to them, make sure to bring up stranger things during the conversation, they’ll love it. okay, go – say hello to the pre-law major for me!

* i put that her age was 21 on her app but highkey her birthday’s in 3 days (dec. 29th!!) so she’s still 20 rn but will basically be 21 sdjnfgksn

biography (tw car accident)

so basically del grows up w/ her doctor parents & her older brother theo and everything’s all good and well , u know besides the fact that her parents are lowkey strict. she’s a Normal Kid and asks too many questions and she’s pretty bright for her age

del also grows up in the shadow of her brother and her achievements are always Less Than her brother’s so :// more on that later

then her parents divorce when she’s in 5th grade and she starts to constantly fight w/ her mom bc her mom was lowkey having an affair prior to the divorce and its all just one big Mess

high school comes around and its an even bigger mess! enter Mean Girl™ olivia. del basically gets into the Popular clique at school and she starts to rebel and party hard and get drunk and her grades are kinda slipping but u know she’s just like whatever!!!! she also kinda joins in on bullying other ppl and its really just so so bad but she doesn’t realize it bc she’s succumbing to peer pressure and just wants friends

it also helps avoid her problems @ home bc her parents literally only talk about him n how he’s going to harvard and he’s gonna be a doctor etc etc

then she secretly dates olivia’s crush in like sophomore year and she thinks that everythings just the absolute best!!! but jokes on her bc olivia basically betrays her by kissing delphine’s bf and spreads a bunch of rumors that devastates delphine

so delphine just becomes quiet again and retreats to her studies and tries her best to keep her head down

fast forward to middle of her senior year ! her brother comes back home and he gets into a really bad car accident that paralyzes his legs and delphine wants to find who’s responsible. she ends up tracking down the guy and follows the entire court case but the judge + jury + lawyers are all pretty shitty and end up letting the guy go without charging him anything or putting him in jail

this causes delphine to really get set on the path to becoming a criminal lawyer ... but it’s not her parents’ plans

she fights with them constantly bc they want her to be a doctor bc it’s a safe option and they don’t think that delphine will make it as a lawyer and that it’s not as financially stable and they try to put all these worries in her head

but delphine for once is sure of something!! and decides to take control of her own dream and when her brother declares a gap year to take time to explore, it fully pushes her to get away from her parents and their attempted control over her

she graduates valedictorian and goes to yale and is finally starting to become independent !!

then she learns her dad has early on-set dementia so she decides to look after him and such, so she transfers schools to be more nearby to where he lives and thus she transfers to cunningham university beginning her sophomore year!

personality

delphine is a super ambitious and determined person. tell her she can’t do something? she’ll do it. she has her eyes set on the prize

she’s super passionate and talkative if u get her on the right subject, but otherwise she normally doesn’t show a ton of emotion and a typical first impression of her is that she’s cold and apathetic?? but that’s mainly bc she’s just super logical and honest and will cut straight to the chase

and when i say logical i mean this girl is a downright realist and honestly judges things more with her mind than her heart so it often causes her to be pretty matter-of-fact and cynical and overthink situations.

she is NOT afraid of confrontation and is super assertive and will fight for her side always. she thinks she’s always right and is p much a gigantic know-it-all and super dogmatic. she’s just super stubborn

she’s also a big control freak and has to have everything her way so she’s super perfectionistic and bossy?? she definitely steps on toes in group projects and she’s honestly always afraid of losing that control... which turns into her worrying a lot and never taking any risks. she likes to stay in her comfort zone p much

she’s super detail-oriented, nitpicky, works hard, and always questions everything

she also tends to be pretty sarcastic??

she loves drawing/painting!!!!! and books!!!! and cooking/baking !!!!! she’s soft for libraries

basically her life goal is to become known and be recognized for her achievements

she’s the biggest slytherin, capricorn sun / capricorn moon, and istj ever so here we are

ok thats it she’s basically just a giant mess of a perfectionistic control freak who’s not afraid to fight anyone but would rather not kdnfgkjsnd

#❛ ♢ ⋮ ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴏᴛ ɴᴏ ᴊᴀᴍꜱ › 「 ooc. 」#hall:intro

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prouddly-me · 6 years

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My Name Is Gavin: My Full Pre-Transition Story

So, My story begins as a 11/12 year old. That’s when I can remember the most, so that’s what I’ll talk about. I remember that I went to the boys and girls club every day with my little brother in the summer. I had a little group of friends, and they were all boys. This was one of the first distinct times I can remember the feeling of not really being... a girl, the way I was “supposed” to be. I never aligned myself with feminine things. And no, gender roles are something I no longer care about or really adhere to, but as a child like that, it was my first indicator. I had long hair down to the small of my back and it was one of the biggest sources of my insecurities. At the time I still hadn’t developed mammary tissue so I wasn’t uncomfortable because of that yet.

As I got a little older, into the 7th grade, I had been begging my parents to let me cut my hair, but my mother was adamant that I keep growing mine. She always cited that she had been traumatized by being forced to cut all of her hair off once as a child. I did later learn that she had gotten lice and their family was too poor to afford treatment for her long hair so they cut it off. While I understand how it could be upsetting, she should not have projected that onto me. Finally though, fate struck and I got lice myself, funnily enough, and I was finally allowed to cut my hair off. By this time I had more body dysphoria that I did not understand, so I had been wearing baggy clothes and long sleeves constantly to try and hide my increasingly feminine body.

It wasn’t much but it was anything. It wasn’t as bad and was more manageable and easier to ignore. While of course it was still upsettingly long, I could live with it. As I grew more, in the 8th grade I started to try and force myself to be more feminine to no avail. I still hated it and still revolted against it as much as I could. I kept my hair as short as my mother would allow me to keep it, and I tried my hardest to keep my clothing androgynous. I never ever wore skirts or dresses because they made me feel abhorrent. I hated it more than anything so I avoided it. My mother hated this. Any time I was forced to wear a dress (easter, other big things) my mother would always emphasize how much she loved it when I wore those things and how beautiful I was. I never felt the same. I felt ugly and disgusting and wrong moreover.

But my parents pushed for me to be feminine. My mother wanted me to wear makeup, which did develop into something I enjoy greatly, and now, I am a cosmetologist and I actually have a client I regularly do makeup on, including pride makeup. But this push by my parents to pursue more feminine interests didn’t really pan out other than me starting to like makeup. I have a hard time wearing it because I don’t feel like I pass when I wear makeup, but I love it deeply to this day.

My first distinctly short haircut came when my dad’s friend who happened to be a hair stylist told him he wanted to color and cut my hair. It was the first step in a long line of getting myself to where I wanted to be. He gave me some blonde highlights and cut it shorter. Now, I’m not such a fan of the cut on me, but back then it was a huge victory for me. Something felt better. Something was better. By this time I believe I was a freshman in high school, and I had begun using a binder that was unsafe, similar to what’s pictured below. It hurt a lot to wear but it made me feel better when I wore it. I was not binding every day due to fear that my parents would be angry at me. At this time I identified as genderfluid and had not yet chosen a new name.

With that haircut and my first binder though I started to feel more comfortable. By the beginning of my sophomore year, I now realized who I was and began identifying as a transgender male instead of genderfluid. Now, I don’t mean to say that genderfluid people just don’t know, just so that no one feels that way. In my personal journey, I misidentified myself because I didn’t really understand the way I felt yet. And that’s not bad. people question their identities all the time, and if that’s how you feel as well, I hope you become more secure. However, at this time, my parents actually pushed me to grow my hair back out. They didn’t say it outright but they would never take me to get my hair cut, so it was getting... out of control and my image was all wrong to me. At this time, I finally settled on a name that I would later change. I was Chase Jason. I changed it to Elliott in my senior year of high school to keep my original initials.

Finally, it took my mother telling me she hated my ugly combover and starting an argument with me to get a really, really good haircut that I loved and that made me feel more like me again. We went to my dad’s friend, and I told him exactly what I wanted. Sadly.. he went a little longer, because he wanted to avoid upsetting my parents. I understand the sentiment but now that I myself am a hair stylist, I do think that I was more than old enough to decide my own haircut. It was enough though. I liked it and I kept it a similar style for a long time.

When I started to really be happy with my appearance it wasn’t until my junior year when I went to see a friend of mine at her beauty school, which I now attend as well and will be graduating from in october. I told her my identity and that I wanted an androgynous look that my parents couldn’t object to, but while preserving my masculinity. She colored it how I wanted it and cut it so that I looked amazing. I hate to really focus on the way my hair looked through the years but I feel like that really marked my progress in my transition. By this time I was binding semi regularly with yet another unsafe binder but by the middle of this year I would get my first safe binder.

At the end of my junior year I had silver hair, bound safely, and I felt so much happier with myself. I was out to my friends and had been for quite some time, and I didn’t question myself anymore. It felt so good to understand myself and be happy about it. Of course, I wasn’t out to my parents yet, and I was terrified to come out to them. That fact to this day is saddening, but is by no means my fault. My senior year was fantastic though, I got my first tattoos and I finally felt comfortable and happy and empowered in my body. The summer after I graduated, I felt like I looked the most masculine I ever could. While I was visiting my best friend to see a concert with them, They and I took this picture and to this day the way I looked makes me feel so, so happy.

From there it was easy going, appearance wise. The big struggle for me now was to get onto HRT and figure out my top surgery. However when I started college it was back to unsafe binding when I shrunk my underworks binder during a period of dysphoria where I really just hated my body and needed to change it. Though I do feel like college was the time for my absolute best looks that made me feel the most confident, I was stuck in a pretty eternal pit of... I don’t think I’ll ever make it and transition, and it got really, really hard for me.

I even took on a more masculine job as an auto tech at an oil change place to make myself feel more valid. I didn’t feel good. It was really rough. Around this time was when I started to bind less and less. I tried to wear sports bras or wear baggy clothes instead because I was starting to hurt my ribs. Like I mentioned in my introduction post to this blog, I capped off at a 38D, so I have a good bit to bind. I also... had a lot of issues with people, including a friend of mine I no longer speak to as of three year ago, who would comment on my chest. They would tell me that it was a shame I wanted to cut them off because they were so big and nice. It made me hate myself so much. It made me feel disgusting and like a freak and like I would never pass in a million years. I switched back to my really unsafe binder because it felt like I passed much more in it. Once I switched back to safe binding near the time I dropped out of college though, I realized it was a better option the entire time. Around this time was when I picked my current name, which is the name I plan to legally change my name to: Gavin Alexander.

Now we bring ourselves to last year, when I stopped binding regularly because of the pain I was in because of it. However, last year was also when I came out to my parents. Technically I came out in 2016. I did it on new years eve, because I knew my parents would be drinking and they were both milder people when they drank. So, I came out. My father has... tried. He offered to help me, and he told me that he accepts and loves me. He does not call me by my chosen name and refers to me as his daughter, but I do not hold it against him because I know he tries. My mother however, maliciously calls me the wrong name, because she feels like “I’m your mother, I get to pick your name.” so she refers to me as James when she really feels like it. But rarely. She calls me my dead name more often. My brother however, when I came out to him this most recent winter after my parent’s divorce, when he and I started to get along better, told me he had known, and that he was waiting for me to tell him. He told me he had never called me by my name and that calling me anything but the nickname he’d called me since he learned to talk would be hard. He still calls me “sis” however, he told me now he wants it to be a play on “cis” to make me feel better. I like the effort and how much he’s trying, so I like it. He also calls me bro a lot, and it’s great. Last year was also when I began to embrace more “feminine” things like makeup and the color pink again, and when I began beauty school.

And this brings us to close to present day and present day. In school I have been met with a lot of support by my classmates and friends, and I don’t have a single friend that refuses to call me Gavin. It feels amazing. I’m happier and calmer now, and last year was also when I began to seriously research and pursue HRT on my own. I struggled a lot of last and this year because I was trying to figure out a way to go through my doctor. However, my family doctor is through a catholic organization so I was trying to figure out how to switch healthcare providers. This never panned out. I even tried asking my psychiatrist to help me and give me a referral but a specialist can’t refer to a specialist. She wanted to help me more but she couldn’t. I don’t hold it against her.

This year, I’ve been working on taking care of myself better, and I haven’t been binding in order to let my ribs heal from the damage of years of unsafe binding to make sure that later when I work towards top surgery I don’t have complications. Now though I have my initial appointment for HRT at Planned Parenthood. I’ll be updating you all and doing voice and facial comparisons as well as documenting other changes and my experience with PP. Moving forward I can tell myself that It’s been me who had my own back and me who got me through this. I can’t wait to see what the future holds, and how much better things will get.

#my story #transition #hrt #pre t #pre top surgery #trans #transgender #about me #tw transphobia #tw misgendering #dysphoria

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