#like i was 14 when he. my big brother who despised me most my life. just left me alone with parents who acted like they wanted nothing to do | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zackcrazyvalentine · 3 years

Note

Saw requests were open so here I am! 😊

I’d love to request headcannons of the Demon Brothers + Undatables (If you can, if not you can just do the Brothers) from Obey Me reacting to an MC that has Galaxy eyes. Their eyes are a glossy purple-blue, they have star-like pupils that changes patterns everytime they blink, and rather than blush red; They blush purple and get mini constellations across their face and ears. If they cry, their tears are hella sparkly too! MC has baby pictures/family photos to prove their eyes are natural and run in the family.

YOOOO!! As someone who has zodiac sign related OCs, and that loves the stars, this is such a wonderful prompt~❤️

Since this involves many characters, it’ll be under the cut and slightly shorter per character than previous hcs, but hopefully still enjoyable

HEADS UP! This includes spoilers for lessons ~14-15 (and has yandere themes in someone's belphie's part)

Here you go, luv!

-- -- --

OVERVIEW

Alright, so it’s a little obvious all the character are surprised with the looks of this human

Some are easier to convince it’s natural, while others think it’s a product of permanent magic/demon contracts

Needless to say, all of them get lost in MC’s eyes

All of them try to make them blush or cry, in their own special ways, to see their full beauty

💙👿 Lucifer 🖋️

“Apologies if my stare unsettles you.” He took their hand and placed a kiss upon their knuckles, “Your eyes are simply magnificent. I find myself unable to look away.”

The first thing that crosses Luci’s mind when he meets them is “Which demon did they sign a contract with to look like that?”

I think this one will try to fight back the urge to stare at them and be mesmerized by their beauty

Eventually, he just gives up and lets his eyes wander to their face and examine the sparkling stars

Whether he does it on purpose or not, Lucifer makes MC blush that lovely shade of wine purple. Always a gift to see the constellations that show up in their dark flush

Likes to stroke their face, especially run his thumb along their cheek and try to feel the shining lights on their skin

Will try to point out the constellations and stars he recognizes

💛😈 Mammon 💰💸

“Whu-? Huh?! No, no! Absolutely not! I-I wasn’t looking at ya because of the shining stars in your eyes… but, uh… Could ya maybe look into my eyes for a moment? Please?”

Oh god… when Mammon meets them, one and only one thought crosses his mind: If human limbs were already sought after in the Devildom market… How much money would this LIVE human with stars in their eyes cost?

(yup, let’s face it, folks… Mammon may be one of the very first sweethearts we see in game, but he’s still a demon, one very greedy demon)

Just let him see their tears. Boy, may any omnipotent force help them because he WILL try to make them cry just to see how much demons, witches and wizards pay for their sparkly tears

But then~ Whatever was left of his tender angel heart crumbled when he succeeded the first time. Never did it again and never collected any tears to sell

Mammon likes to explore their skin for more constellations. Arms, hands, shoulders, legs, feet, neck, anything they allow to touch!

What he loves most? Making them cry out of laughter and seeing little glittering drops roll down their cheeks, which he then proceeds to wipe away

Always gets lost in their eyes, but denies he was staring

🧡👿 Leviathan 🎮

“You’re just like an anime character! Wait, could it be that.. the author was inspired by your ancestor?!”

BOY OH BOY LEVI’S ELATED

Seriously, once his contract’s done and he accepts them into his room, he won’t ever stop examining their cheeks and eyes (with respect, of course, he knows how weird and uncomfortable it is to be observed so intently)

You know the first thing he did was introduce them to his anime characters that have features similar to them

GUESS WHAT??? HE ADORES WHEN THEY LIGHT UP HIS ROOM WITH THEIR CONSTELLATIONS!

Makes sure to watch super cheesy lovely shoujo, romantic, and cute anime/movies just so he can see how the blush darkens their cheeks and ears

Levi already zoned out when watching Henry’s big aquarium, he 100% does so too when watching the patterns in their eyes shift with each blink

The otaku musters all his courage, when feeling brave enough, to place a kiss on their cheeks bc they’re just too adorable (both proceed to flush deep red/purple)

💚 Satan 👿📖

“Wonderful… Thank you for showing me the night sky. It’s even more breathtaking when through your eyes.”

Alright, there are pictures that prove it’s all natural… but, where are the written records of space-filled humans? He gets to researching (if he finds proof or not, I leave it up to you)

Regardless, they’re an enigma to him, and he’d love to keep observing you up close

Oh, if only he could read and look at their face at the same time~

Satan may or may not have a secret notebook in which he records different occurrences that happened with MC and how he would describe their unique beauty in that moment

Many of his books and encyclopedias have maps of the sky, he’s taken up some constellations (which he points out, just like Lucifer pls don’t k word me satan)

I swear, this boy… Wants to see their beauty immortalized in writing, described in only the most wonderful ways by his favorite authors (“An honest opinion, your allure deserves to be eternally portrayed in books so every living being can imagine what splendor the world holds.”)

Hard for him to pick a favorite aspect of theirs, but he certainly is very curious what genes caused such phenotype

💗😈 Asmodeus 💋🦂

“That’s not fair! How am I to compete with someone with galaxy eyes?! S-Surely, we’re both ethereal in our own ways? ...But I’m clearly still #1!”

B O Y

One would think his first instinct was to try and seduce them… but oh no, no! For a moment there, Asmo thought he was Levi, feeling pure raw jealousy and envy at their magnificent eyes and glowing skin

He acted sweet and flirty just so his brothers wouldn’t suspect anything, but he felt terrible boiling magma in his stomach (why was he, a former angel, not blessed with looks as mesmerizing as theirs?)

It all changed once Asmo saw them awkwardly walk through RAD’s halls, littered with demons staring at their peculiar skin. Unwanted looks, intense stares, all of them varying in degrees of judgement. He remembered his first days as a demon, as a lust demon, how he disliked the stares at first. (“Looks like we’re not so different after all…”)

He went to their side, making light talk to take their attention off the stares. A human’s blush was never this beautiful before.

It was then when he became a little obsessed with throwing compliments their way to see the tips of their ears turn purple with little glittering spots

Asmodeus would adore to explore their entire body. Like, really, he wonders if their other… parts prone to blood rushes have the same purple tint

Allow him and he’ll cover every single little star on their skin with kisses

Asmo went from despising them to adoring every bit of them, but if he has to pick, their skin is his favorite

❤️👿 Beelzebub 🍔🤤

“Blink… Blink again… Once more... “ A very tender smile graced his lips, “Belphie would definitely adore your eyes.”

“But for me,” He wrapped his arms around them and lifted them up the ground, “Your blush whenever I hold you close is my favorite!”

Like, really peeps, Beel immediately remembers his twin’s fascination with stars and the night sky when his eyes land on MC

It’s strange, but he feels at peace whenever this star filled human is with him

Beel isn't much to care for looks, but wow… this is one very interesting human

When you guys were helping Luke, he definitely stared at the flickering lights on their cheeks and ears to find sleep (and in that moment, he felt Belphie's and Lilith's calming presence with him once more)

They once cried of laughter due to some food incident, and WOW that is so pretty

May or may not have asked them if he could taste their tears asdfgjdi "They look tasty"

Always tries to surprise them with food and hugs once he noticed they blush constellations

Probably the only thing able to make him eat slower is watching the shifting starts in their eyes

💜👿 Belphegor 🛏️💤

"I...uhm…" He blushed lightly, "[Name], could you please look at me? Stars are my favorite...and you, your eyes..." Belphegor is at a total loss of words at the magic in their stare.

I'm going to delve into that before we get to the fluff so

SPOILERS FOR LESSON 16 / YANDERE BELPHIE AHEAD

Sure, he loved their eyes once he saw stars in them...but they are human

Boy, oh boy, did he ENJOY wholeheartedly seeing those glittering tears roll down their face as he took their life

"Say… Would you mind me taking your eyes out to keep as mine? They'll surely look nice hanging from my headboard"

"Is your blood star filled too? Let us see!"

Such a shame that it was a human who was blessed with such wonderful features~

END OF YANDERE (spoilers for other lessons continue)

After learning they're Lilith's descendant, he wonders if their stars are product of her angelic lineage

"Sister… is this your way of telling me to be happy? Bringing a human that is so kind and pretty into my life?" "You filled them with the stars I love so much… Thank you"

What DOESN'T he love about them? Eyes, cheeks, skin, all the flickering stars and shades of blue-purple they blush in, their pupils and eye color

But out of it all, he adores looking at their eyes as he falls asleep

Also likes to trace the stars on their skin, be it forming constellations or in random patterns

Tickle wars happen with him, Beel and MC to see the glittering liquid from how hard they're laughing

I seriously cannot express how much Belphie's in love with this whole human Fun, caring, intelligent, kind, adventurous, and just… plain perfect

😈 Lord Diavolo 👑

"I was not 'blessed' like the brothers to see clear skies in the Celestial Realm, and it's uncommon for me to go up into the human world." Diavolo sat close to them as Barbatos left after serving tea. "But I can say I'm far more blessed with you here to show me the stars." A handsome smile shaped his lips, widening after they blushed.

Honestly, Diavolo is hard to pin for me

Sure, he gets surprised by the human's looks, but welcomes them with open arms regardless

Actually enjoys their company because he gets to see a little piece of the night sky he gets to see very few times

When they show him their baby pictures to prove it's all natural and real, the Prince will take to share some of his own (just ‘cuz, to bond)

He likes to make them laugh, if not to see the small shining tears, to see their face flush dark purple and show constellations

Their presence is calming

He sometimes comes with the request of sitting together so he can see their starry eyes to help him settle down and relax

😈 Barbatos ☕

"These are very particular features… Perhaps I should visit the past to know what led to this?" The butler pondered. "No, I certainly wouldn't like my actions to alter timelines and prevent you from being here." A polite, yet teasing, smirk came to his face.

Like Satan, Barbatos would want to find written records of the existence of other starry humans

Very curious what caused this in a human, but he himself hypothesizes it's due to the angelic lineage

Likes to say flirty things to make them flush, he chuckles every time

Is very interested to see the magical potential their tears have for potions and protection charms

Curious to see if their tears can be used in food preparations (thinks his special tea would look even better with some of their tears added to it)

With how his ability is time travel, Barbatos likes to (privately) call himself Time while he dubs MC Space

He likes their blushes most

😇 Simeon 📖

"If only I had met you sooner, I would've included you in my books. Your character would've been adored by many; not just because of appearance, but also due to your kind heart."

Simeon likes that there's a little piece of sky here with him

He's also one to wonder if their looks are due to Lilith's blood, will have to do some research back in the Celestial Realm

Is always complimenting their eyes

Half expected their eyes to reflect the actual sky at different hours (dawn, evening, dusk, sundown, etc.)

Whenever he stumbles upon a cute star or moon shaped accessory or sweater, he buys it as a gift for them

Likes their eyes the most. He's an angel and has seen many interesting pairs of eyes in his heavenly siblings, but none as breathtaking as theirs

His time writing TSL may be coming to an end, but poetry is always an option to share his admiration for MC with the world~

😇 Luke 🧁🎂

"Hey hey! Michael used to say my eyes look like sunrise!" The small one exclaimed with a big smile, "I'm dawn and you're the night!" Luke giggled.

OMG, THIS CUTIE 🥺💕

Forgive him for staring longer than is welcomed, he's just very amazed by their looks!

He's seen angels with sparkles in their hair and wings, but to see a human with stars and night sky on their skin!!! Is fascinating!

Luke is very grateful to have met MC, he just feels super blessed to know someone as unique as them!

Will use them as inspiration for cookie and cake decorating

Another one curious about what their tears can add to desserts

But don't worry! So long as MC is in his line of sight, he will not allow a single tear to be shed!

To make sure no demon endangers them, this little angel will do his best to protect MC!

He adores their eyes and always asks to look at them ("You can look at mine in return! And see the daybreak Michael sees in them!")

🧙🏻‍♂️ Solomon 🔮

"Oh? What is this I see, a rival?" The wizard chuckled, "We can share the starry sky aesthetic, I don't mind."

SPACE 🤝 AESTHETIC 🤝🤝🤝

He immediately fires a lot of questions their way to find as much information as he can about their looks, magical power, and magical properties of their peculiar features

While the rest just wonder what their tears can do, Solomon is the fearless soul to actually ask for a sample to conduct tests with

If they become close, Solomon will find a way to preserve one of their tears to carry with him at all times

Yup, you guessed it! His favorite feature is their tears

...he makes them shed quite the handful with the cooking he gives as thanks for the samples lol

This one wonders if they are also star filled on the inside...as in, their tissues and organs (and blood)

But worry not, unless he’s given permission, Solomon will keep his hands to himself

-- -- --

Sorry if this is so short Dx

And aah...sorry for including yandere themes, but it just fit and was interesting to think of~

Still, hope this was enjoyable

Thank you for the request!!

528 notes · View notes

imonthinice · 3 years

Text

The Criminal Psychology Majors, Jason Todd x Fem!Reader Part 12/?

Word Count: 4.4k

Author’s Note: Y/N - Your Name, A/N - Any Name (Your Best friend’s name)

God idk what i’m doing with this but i’m liking it lmao

next one might honestly be smut idk

Warnings: Violence, Swearing, Description of Blood, Gets heated, hints at trauma, no beta bitch we die like Jason Todd

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4) (Part 5) (Part 6) (Part 7) (Part 8) (Part 9) (Part 10) (Part 11) (Part 12) (Part 13) (Part 14) (Part 15) (Part 16) (Part 17) (Part 18) (Part 19) (Part 20)

Y/N walked through the streets of Gotham, which were once bustling with people, but now were quiet with the occasional hooker, she had caught the city as an unlively hour, where it seemed to sleep the night away while the vigilantes of the area watched it like their lives depended on it. In some ways it did, the stories they would tell when being interviewed were horrific sometimes, but Y/N figured a decent amount of it was for dramatization, to keep the people of Gotham off of the streets to protect them all from it.

The question was always protect them from what, and they never answered. So, it never kept the people of Gotham at bay from the streets at night, and had Y/N’s car not been towed, she would have been driving home in the safe, secluded area of her car, not the vast wilderness of the streets of Gotham.

She looked up at the sky to see one of the virgate boys using a grappling hook to fly to the other building, which was such a sight to behold for someone who never witnessed a superhero beyond Superman at home. She wished and longed to know more about the vigilante, but didn’t dwell or dote on that man, because she didn’t need to.

Something told her that he was watching though, tracing every step she made to make sure she got home in one piece. She thought she was crazy, her life didnt matter more than anyone else in Gotham. He’s not following me, why would he? she thought, Even though I’m dating Jason Todd, they probably don’t know Jason, so my life doesn’t mean much more to them than any one of the hookers along this street. I’m overthinking it.

The walk home took two hours, she left Jason’s at 4am just to find herself back home at 6am, bright and early as the sun rose, ready to greet the day and all it had in store for everyone. But the things it had in store for Y/N was a class and if she was lucky, cuddling with Jason. Nothing more, nothing less.

She would open her front door, unscathed from the journey home, except maybe for a few callouses on her feet, it was the last time she wouldn't pay for more than a day of parking, that’s for sure. Heels were not the shoes you wanted for a two-hour walk home in the Autumn cold, but they were what she had.

She thought about what she was going to do next, and the first thought she had was to shower. Not because she needed to, but because she wanted to nurse the terrible headache she had and to think some things through. What she normally did in the shower.

She wanted so much more from so much of her life. the main offender of seemingly not being enough for her was Jason. Not because she didn’t want more, but because she craved more from him. He was injured, so she wouldn’t get much more rom him for the time being, and it stung a little for her. She just wanted him, maybe sexually, maybe in a more romantic setting or maybe just on her couch on a Thursday afternoon. It was all three of those options and she knew it.

She pulled out of the shower and looked at the time, 6:50am. Okay, she thought, little more time than I wanted to spend in the shower, but I guess the universe had different plans for me today. What else do you have for me, universe? And how much of you plan involves Jason?

She would open her phone after quickly getting dressed. While she still cared for her appearance, she didn’t want to dress like she owned a law firm every day, so she didn’t. Just black jeans and a black top and she felt like a million bucks.

Just some quick outfit inspo. I like doing these a lot. I think fashion is funky :))

Artemis had sent her a message asking where she was at around 4am, she wondered why the time, but she then remembered that Artemis’ boyfriend worked with Dick Grayson, who was Jason’s brother, who worked most nights until radical hours of the night. The chances that he saw her on her two-hour walk home was high, but the chances that that had also made it back to Jason was higher. She knew she was in for it.

Hey sorry, I was at Jason’s. Fell asleep in his arms the whole shebang. And yeah, that was me who screamed the yo momma joke at the press. It was super childish, I know, but I don’t care. Those fucks are sucking my life force out of me and harassing my boyfriend, even your boyfriend.

She would then look at the articles calling her a gold digger and worth-nothing childish insulter of the press. She laughed. If the press wanted a fight from her, she was more than willing to oblige and load the canons.

She didn’t know how to fight back that well, since it was a mainly verbal fight, and she barely even knew how to fight physically, hence all the running and non-confrontational arguments she had had to the press.

And like fucking clockwork, Jason texted her.

Did you walk home alone or are my brothers lying bastards?

I walked. I knew someone saw me, fuck.

Why did you walk home? I thought you drove here?

I did, but we spent more than 12 hours together Jason. I didn’t buy enough hours, suddenly my car was being towed.

You could have asked for a ride home from Alfred! He would have in a heartbeat.

I was going to! But I got distracted and it all became a blur and suddenly I was part of the way home in the dark by myself!

What if you had gotten hurt?

Well, I saw one of the vigilantes of the city on the rooftops, I’m sure if I screamed they would have seen me. They always do see that stuff.

So, your car got towed huh?

Yeah, I don’t know when I’ll be able to pay it off. It’s not exactly like money my parents give me should go to my car getting towed because I got fucked over by seeing my boyfriend.

You’ll figure it out. Sorry about the car, that’s got to suck fucking ass.

You think? I’m stuck taking the fuckin’ subway till I get my car back. I hate the subway, too many people. Far too many people. Too many eyes. It gets stressful really quickly. Might just walk every where honestly, I can’t deal with the eyes of strangers.

But you’re a C-list celebrity.

Internet is different. I can just block the bad eyes and move on with my life, you should see my block list now that some people are connecting my name to the girl who flipped off the press, thank god Twitter has a fuckin block feature.

You should really just meet my family so you don’t have to run away before they get home, would probably cause you a lot less financial stress, Y/N.

I’ll think about it.

You should think a little harder about it. I don’t want you to get your car impounded ‘cause you’re seeing me, why did you even park in pay-to-park?

Did you not see the massive mob trying to get to you? It was impossible for me to even try to pull into the driveway. Hence why I’m being insulted, you know, ‘cause I yelled at the press to get them to leave me alone. I fucking hate the press, you’re stabbed, severely injured last time they got information, and they’re harassing me, asking me what I like to do on the weekends.

Fucking vultures. Yeah, I’ve seen that. I’ve read the articles. But that’s the press for you, absolute trash and spitting bullshit in everyway.

Fucking hate the press, that’s for damn sure. Despise them. I won’t ever change that, even if, knock on wood, we break up.

Praying we don’t break up so I can see you lose your shit at the press when you’re bored.

She would get up to go make some coffee, since it was closer to 7:20am and if her roommate woke up, she could just tell her to get up anyway.

The press can suck my dick. she said.

You have a dick?

Oh yeah. Massive. 20ft long. It probably won’t even fit all the vultures.

Oh my god, that’s not as big as mine.

lmfao is it now?

Oh yeah.

Nice.

Anyway, my brothers are staying home from school today, I think they’re making me play Resident Evil 8 with them? You know that game?

Of course. Everyone in that game is infinitely hot.

Are you bi?

I don’t know. Haven't thought that far ahead to actually label myself. I just like people. Sometimes it’s men, sometimes it’s women. But you have to agree when you see them all. That game came out when I was still in high school, so I’ve played the entire thing. My phone background is actually one of the characters.

Which one?

I’ll show you if I come over tonight.

My brothers might be in my room, though.

Okay, but, RE8 is an amazing game. So, worth it.

You won’t meet them normally but I pull out a game you love and you’re down?

I’m very easy to convince.

You still have notes to write when you come over though.

Oh yeah, I was probably going to have to come over both ways, just because I need those notes and you do too.

Do you not own a printer?

I barely even own a laptop, I’m waiting for my old one to come in the mail.

How do you even manage?

With a whole lot of will and spite, anything is possible.

And that’s when her discord group chat @’ed her. She was on Do Not Disturb because she was Jason, and apparently they missed her.

Y/N! C’mere. One said.

Yes? Whatduhya want nerds?

We’ve decided to hold a fake internet wedding between you and Christopher. Another said.

A what.

We’re getting married!

Sometimes I wish I never left Metropolis and then I remember you fucks live there. Why are we doing this? You do know I have a boyfriend right? She asked them.

I don’t know, we’re bored and we miss you. We can have a bachelorette party in Gotham, if you want.

I’m this close to going back on DND.

The group chat was made way back when they had all first met in grade 9 and had been active ever since. They all had stayed in the city when they graduated though, but since Y/N received a scholarship, fully paid for, she took the opportunity and jumped.

They were some of her closest friends, even if they lived in a different city to her now, even if they were all busy with school, even if she was busy with school and a boyfriend, A lot of her life wouldn’t be complete without her crack friends in her hometown.

They had all ben partying like crazy while she was gone, and if she wasn’t so hung up in her own life, she’d probably be down there with them.

Before you do, can you please explain why you’re screaming at the press, lmao.

Because fuck the press, dude. Why else?

What did they do to you?

Have you seen the recent articles?

That’s true.

She laughed and finished her coffee. Jason had not responded yet, she assumed his brothers were either checking on him or they had started the game. It was around 8am when A/N finally left her room.

“I thought you were staying with Jason?”

“I was, but then I remembered he has like 9 siblings and I’m not about to meet them all. Then I walked home.”

“You walked?”

“Car got towed.”

“Fuck, can you afford the bill? I can’t.”

“Nope.”

“Guess we’re going to take the subway for a while, huh.”

She sighed and put her cup in the sink, “At least you don’t have school to go to and your lover comes to meet you, I have shit to do and places to be,” she frowned, “Inconvenient.”

“Could you borrow money from Jason’s dad?”

“I don’t borrow money from family, it’s hard enough for me to accept the money my parents send me.”

“I know it is, when’s your class?”

“3pm, I’ll be leaving at 12pm though, because the subway is unreliable.”

“This is going to be a hard hit for us.”

“Well, it’s not like it’s fucking your credit. Mine’s tanking.”

“You’ll pull through it.”

-------------------------------------------

She got onto the subway at 12:30pm. She really hated the way it was running. The people, the faces, the staring eyes of unwanted attention. People knew who she was and she hated it. She didn’t like the attention, she just liked the fucking with people. She wanted to get off the subway the minute she got on.

She eventually couldn’t take it and got off a few stops away, there was still a substantial walk towards the college, but she knew it would be. She even brought a leather jacket with her so that she could walk if she couldn’t take it anymore.

And there she was, in the busy streets of Gotham, walking to her college. Barely aware of the people who did stare at her, because she just kept walking, lost in her thought but aware of the people in her trail, the cross walks and the lights she was waiting for occasionally. She just kept walking until Artemis met up with her,

“Hey! I didn’t know you were walking to school today,” Artemis said.

“Oh! I didn’t want to, my car got towed though.”

“Your car got towed? That sucks so much. Well, we’re going the same way, so I’ve decided I’m going to walk with you, you get no say.”

“Of course. I was going to ask if you wanted to,” she laughed, “It’s more fun with a friend anyway, Art.”

“So, how are things with you and Jason, I’m legally obliged to ask as one of his friends.”

“Well, we made it official if that’s the kind of thing you want to hear,” she laughed again, “I’m sure it’s the answer Dick will eat up.”

“You’re right about that one. Dick’s a sucker for a romantic story, you should write one, since you write. He’d probably read it all.”

“Well, that would be fun, but I still don’t have my laptop.”

“You could use Jason’s?” Artemis suggested..

“Nah. It’ll be fine,” she said, “I’ll manage.”

“Aren’t you collecting notes for him for your psychology class?”

“I am, it’s not like he can go anywhere. I actually told him he’d need to walk eventually so that it’s not a learning curve when he’s healed.”

“That’s what all of us are telling him too, he’s a stubborn man, good luck with that one,” Artemis laughed, “He’s always been the stubborn friend. Worse than Will, actually, and Will is really bad with being stubborn.”

“It’s fine,” she laughed, “If you asked any of my Metropolis friends they’d say the same about me.”

“I bet you were quite the wild child in your heyday back in your city,” Artemis laughed, “I hate Metropolis.”

“Who doesn’t? It’s so crowded.”

“Uh, Clark doesn’t. He thrives there, no idea why, he grew up in Smallville. If anyone should be uncomfortable with Metropolis it should be the small-city country boy, but I guess it’s his thing.”

“I forget you know everyone.”

“We know a lot of people, are you’re slowly being let into our massive circle of very well-known people. Welcome to the group, I guess,” she laughed, “You'll either hate or love the fame that comes from this.”

“Well, if its paparazzi and press, I think I’ll hate it.”

“I can promise you right now that it’s not all paparazzi and press, we haven’t been bothered today, probably because we are on the move.”

“You shouldn’t say that, you’ll jinx it.”

“I know a lot about not jinxing it, but that’s a story for another time,” Y/N noticed that when Artemis said this her eyes glazed over and she looked upset.

“You don’t ever have to talk to me about something you’re not ready to talk about,” Y/N reassured her.

“Hey, the trauma makes me funny.”

“Two can play that game.”

They would ramble on for the rest of the walk to their college. Nothing really of substance, just getting to know each other further. She was glad she found a friend in Artemis, it would have sucked if the two of them didn’t get along, but with each word they exchanged, they had so much fun.

She even told Artemis about that time she played Katherine Howard in her school’s budget play of Six - The Musical. She was proud of the riffs she was able to do, but she didn’t talk about it often. She was never the type of brag about her achievements, no matter how amazing they were.

But Artemis and Y/N parted ways and Y/N went to her class and wrote the same, boring, scribbly and barely legible notes. She figured eventually she’d need nicer handwriting, but did she want to work on it? No.

When she finished, she saw Artemis and who she could only assume to be Wally, at Artemis’ class doors. She waved to Artemis, before Artemis called her over.

“Y/N! Hey, I would ask how class is, but this is Wally,” she gestured to the red-head boy beside her, and Y/N held out her hand to shake Wally’s.

“Hi, Wally.”

“Y/N. It’s nice to meet you since Jason can’t shut up about you and my girlfriend likes you a lot.”

“Well that's sweet of you Artemis. You’re just so in love with me,” Y/N joked.

“Girl. You know it,” Artemis joked back.

“You two already have a close bond? That’s impressive,” Wally said, “Never seen anyone win over any of my friends this quickly,” he muttered.

They joked for a little while longer, just getting to know Wally before she had to go, she had to get to Jason’s.

The walk was a while away, so she went and sat on a park bench for a minute to check her phone, Jason had texted her.

Hey baby, are you coming over?

I am, yes. I actually just met Wally.

You met Wally and I wasn’t there to see it? C’mon.

Artemis introduced us! Go yell at her.

Oh. Never mind. I won’t do that.

Ha! Scared of her?

Maybe a little, she can be scary, okay?

You can’t tell but I’m laughing at you.

Dhmu.

That’s fine, I’ll just go hang out with Alfred and not you. He seems like he would be spiteful like me.

That’s unfair.

I thought you said don’t hit me up?

Fuck.

Checkmate.

I am upset.

No you’re not.

No I’m not.

She would walk down the street further, maybe within a couple steps to reach the Manor, when a man dragged her into an alleyway. She yelped.

“Uh, hello? Can I help you?” she asked, pretending she wasn’t terrified.

“How much would Bruce give me for you?” the attacker mumbled before he tried to knock her to the ground, but she had another plan.

He grabbed her, put his face close to hers, and she head-butted him, he would stumble back, and she started running to the Manor.

“Come here you fucking bitch!” he screamed. She could feel her nose bleeding as she ran and ran, the security saw her and pulled her into the gateway before drawing their guns and urging her to run to the steps of the Manor.

And she ran. The security at the door saw her and let her in, and yelled for Alfred.

“What is this nonsense, oh,” Alfred paused when he saw the blood running out of Y/N’s nose, “Miss Y/N, what happened to you?” he asked before grabbing her hand and pulling her into the entry-way bathroom and opening a first-aid kit.

“Okay so, what happened was I was walking to the Manor because my car got towed right? And this fucking bastard dude pops out from an alleyway and pulls me into it, asks some bullshit about how much Bruce would pay for me, when he grabbed me and tried to knock me down, when I head-butted him and started running,” she said, completely unphased.

Alfred didn’t respond to her and started to stop the bleeding when Bruce called for him, “In the entry-way bathroom, Master Wayne!” he answered.

Bruce came around the corner and saw Alfred was already tending to Y/N, “Well, this is the event where I meet my son’s girlfriend, when she is bleeding and running from a strange man in an alleyway.”

“Heh, sorry,” she said and outstretched her hand to shake his, “It’s nice to finally meet you, Bruce.”

“I can tell you’re going to be quite the addition to this household,” he said as he took her hand and shook it, “As long as you’re okay.”

“I’m okay.”

“That’s good. I guess you can’t get mad at Jase for being a reckless man now.”

“I really can’t.”

“Alright, you should be good, Miss Y/N.”

“Thank you, Alfred. But you really didn’t have to.”

“I’ve been taking care of 5 boys and 3 girls since most of them were little, Miss Y/N. A little blood is really no big deal for me to handle.”

“That’s obvious.”

“You can go see the boys now, they’re going to ask you though,” Bruce said.

“I know.”

She walked to Jason’s room, hoping that he wouldn’t have all of his siblings in the room, he did though.

“Hey, Y/N- what the fuck happened to you?” Jason exclaimed when she opened the door.

“Oh great, all your siblings are here. Anyway, I guess,” she paused, taking in a big breath so she could run through the events quickly, “So I was walking here ‘cause my car got towed, right? When some fucking bastard man grabs me and yanks me into an alleyway and starts going off about how much Bruce will pay him to get me back or something,” she paused again, “And when he tried to knock me down by getting really close and personal to my face, like an idiot I should add, I head-butted him.”

“You did what?’

“I’m not done yet, met your dad when I actually had blood running out of my nose because that's just my fucking luck. Okay, now you can be disappointed in me,” she joked.

“I will say again, you did what?”

“Something stupid?” she said.

“You could say that again, my god, what went through your head?”

“Uh, nothing. Just survival. Fight or flight but I head-butted a man, and hi, everyone.”

“Hi, Y/N, I’m Dick,” Dick said, “You clearly are meant for Jason,” he joked, “That's something he would do.”

“Don’t encourage her, Dick!”

Stephanie got up and greeted her, “You know, Y/N, I always wanted a crazy sister,” she joked, “I’m Stephanie, the black-haired girl is Cass, and the red-head is Barbara.”

“Me too,” Cass hopped onto the joke.

“It’s something else when you meet the girl your brother is dating after she head-butted a man, apparently,” Y/N laughed, “I know it’s far-fetched-”

“Not really,” Tim cut her off, “You know Jason protected Will when they were attacked?”

“That’s Tim, by the way,” Dick said.

“So you can’t yell at me for head-butting a man!” Y/N joked at Jason while going to sit beside him, he slinged an arm around her shoulder and leant his head into her head.

“Well, you seem like a nice enough girl,” Barbara said, “Take away the reckless behavior, and you are lovely.”

“That is valid, to be honest. Not exactly the way you want to meet your brother’s girlfriend.”

“You think?” Jason asked, sarcastically.

“Ha ha.”

“See, she thinks I’m funny, why can’t you fucks?”

Y/N laughed and then asked Dick, who was playing RE8 at the time, staring at the photo of Donna Bentiveno, “She’s cute, isn’t she, Dick?”

“Have I been staring?”

“Let’s just say Angie is probably very pissed at you.”

“Oh! Whoops. There’s a point to this, I forgot.”

“I don’t blame you, I remember forgetting there was a point and the little bitch devil doll would attack you.”

“Language.”

“Oh no, you’re lame. Gross.”

“Excuse me?” Dick asked as the rest of the room erupted in laughter.

“Do you guys see why I like her now?” Jason asked.

“Uh no, she’s mean,” Dick said.

“You’re going to die if you don’t start paying attention, Dick,” Y/N said.

“Oh!” and he died.

“And that kids, is why we listen to the person who’s 100%’ed the game.”

------------------------------

Y/N and Jason would spend hours with his brothers and sisters until the sun started to set and they all scattered to their own rooms to do their own things. you can’t keep a lot of kids in one room for so long.

Once everyone left, Y/N placed her hands on Jason and kissed him, she was actually able to be laid on his pillow, he was able to pin her to the bed. And they did just that. He was on top of her, using his one arm to prop himself up and using his other hand to touch her face.

Her hands found their way into his hair like they always did, she found a lot of joy in playing with his hair. Their tongues danced together, they never fought or anything, they just enjoyed each other when Jason let out a small moan and she let out a small laugh.

“Keep it in your pants, Tiger,” she joked, “You’re not fully healed.”

“You literally smashed your face into another man but I can’t moan when I kiss you?”

“Because I know you want more.”

“Hell yeah I do,” he said as he went back for more, actually using his strength to keep her to the bed, but she didn’t protest this time.

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plummyplums · 3 years

Text

Just for @zizzyhopps, here’s my current assortment of Wick headcanons

General

There was never a demon. No changelings, no fae, no nothing. Everything was caused by Mary’s abuse and inability to accept her mistakes.

The twins’ masks are both worn to cover scars from the same incident. They were walking back from the wood shed and were attacked by a bear/coyotes/some wild animal. With both of them being unable to run (Tom’s leg, Tim’s asthma), they were kinda screwed. Thankfully, Tim always carries his knife, so they had a bit of defense. It didn’t take too long for John to show up and shoot the attacer, but both of the twins were quite hurt. They both have scars on their faces. Tom was very self-conscious about it and seeing the scars tended to make him upset, so Tim made them matching masks to make him more comfortable.

In short: Tim is smart, creative, and very protective; Tom is shy, creative, and emotional; Benny is kind, humble, and protective; Caleb is active, kind, and stubborn; Lillian is lively, mature, and sweet.

Both Twins

12-13

Were born premature and very small, no one was sure they’d survive

Quite sickly

They always react the same way; the one who’s healthy will be all worried and fussy, the one who’s sick will be grouchy about being sick.

Both artists; Tim likes to sculpt and carve, Tom likes writing and drawing.

Tim

Name is Timas Weaver

Reversal of Thomas

Asthmatic

Extremely protective of Tom

Like, “stabbing people with his whittling knife for bothering Tom” sort of protective

Left-handed

Aggressive and cold with most people, soft with Tom and Lilly

Smartest of the kids

Autistic

Low empathy

Special interest in whittling/woodwork

Despises messy spaces

Easily attached to objects (his mask, his knife, John’s gas mask)

Hates eye contact

Hates loud noise

Shutdowns, he’ll find a place to sit and quietly explode

Also got polio when Tom did, but was asymptomatic

Likes climbing trees, running, doing physical stuff

Carves things for his sibs; mostly bunnies and other toys for Lilly. His favorite things that he’s ever made will always be the masks, just due to how much work he put into them and how it helped him and Tom.

Death: Asthma attack

As a ghost

Constantly wheezing, as if he can’t catch his breath

Skin is distinctly cold

Tom

Name is Tomothy Weaver

Reversal of Timothy

Had spinal polio as a baby, leading to weak muscles and limited mobility

His left leg is weak, and he has less dexterity in his fingers, leading to his poor handwriting

Wears a brace on his left leg, can’t balance very well or can’t stand for long without it

Always worried about Tim

“No! You can’t run! But if you do, wait for me, if you have trouble breathing I need to be there to help you”

Claustrophobic

Shy and sad

Almost never approaches people on his own

Soft and emotional

Prone to crying when he’s upset

Autistic

Low empathy

Likes scratchy, sharp sounds

Easily attached to objects (his mask, his rattle)

Hates eye contact

Meltdowns, he cries really hard and only Tim’s allowed to touch him

Loves reading and writing stories, but is self-conscious about it

Death: Fell from the bridge

As a ghost

Can talk, but usually doesn’t. On rare occasions he can be found talking to Tim or Lilly in a quiet, painful-sounding voice.

Skin is distinctly cold

Constantly cracking and popping from his broken bones moving

Lillian

Her bros are allowed to call her Lilly

Iconic sweet baby

Loves teasing and playing pranks

Caleb is her fav sibling, being the closest to her in age and really the only one she can relate to, with Benny being so religious and the twins being hidden away

Enjoys singing and wanted to learn to cook

Death: Dropped Honey Bunny in the well, drowned trying to get it back

As a ghost

Constantly floating through the air, it looks like she’s swimming

Her voice is echo-y

When upset, she may be dripping wet

Benny

Humble, incredibly kind

A bit reserved, though not nearly as much as Tom

Tries to mimic Mary, though a bit nicer. He’s stern but gentle with Lilly and Caleb, but is wary of the twins

Mary told him they were demons

Dyslexic

Total Mama’s boy

Very responsible; never breaks rules, always does his chores, does his best to be a good big brother

Death: Undetermined, died in his sleep

As a ghost

The most “alive-passing” out of the kids

Can’t help but fall asleep often

Very conflicted that none of them went to heaven or hell

Caleb

Track star

Loves to be outside

Kind, outgoing

Extroverted as heck, he hates being stuck alone/inside

A bit self-centered

A bit feisty, kinda stubborn

Death: Buried alive by Mary, reasoning undetermined

As a ghost

Brags about being the coolest ghost

Can still see, despite not having eyes, but not as good as in life. Mostly relies on hearing and feeling the player through the ground.

Voice is crackly and dry

Feel free to send me DMs or asks about Wick, I’m always excited to talk about my kiddos and the lore!

#wick (2015)#wick hellbent games #wick game #tim weaver #tom weaver #benny weaver #lillian weaver #caleb weaver #long post #tw child death #tw murder #tw religion

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papermoonloveslucy · 3 years

Text

REMINISCING

August 14, 1977

By Frank Swertlow, Chicago Daily News

BEVERLY HILLS - During the first years of television, Ed Wynn, the radio and stage comic, was trying to break into television with a half-hour comedy on CBS. (1)

One night, he invited a couple of second echelon performers to make an appearance: a comedienne, known as "Technicolor Tessie" for her blazing red hair, and a song-and-dance man, best remembered for hollering "babalu."

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz were the couple, and they, like Wynn, were sampling the waters of the new medium. CBS had asked Miss Ball and her conga-drum pounding husband to develop a comedy show for television. Later, after months of thought and testing their ideas on the vaudeville circuit, the couple came up with "I Love Lucy," the misadventures of Lucy and Ricky Riccardo. (2)

It made its debut on CBS in October 1951. More than a quarter of a century afterwards, "I Love Lucy" easily can vie for the honor of television's most successful show. It was the archtype [sp] domestic comedy, the bumbling husband and his daffy wife. It gave birth to two other Lucy shows, a host of specials and a giant production company, Desilu.

"We spent months thinking about what we should do," Miss Ball recalled. "We didn't want to be the average Hollywood couple. Nobody would think you had any problems if you had a car and swimming pool and a nice house.

"Ultimately, we wanted a show in which people could identify with us. Everybody could understand what it was like to struggle for a buck. I was an ordinary, everyday, middle class housewife. I wore the same dress often. My husband worked and tolerated my mistakes. It was something that everyone could identify with."

With the debut of the TV series, Lucille Ball, the former Goldwyn girl who started her film career in the 1930s, had a new career.

"I never expected the show to go more than a year," said Miss Ball. "I wanted to do the show on film so I could use them as home movies. Who knew about television then? It was a no-no to do TV work. The movie studios were against it."

To Miss Ball, who was not a new face to the public, the impact of her show was incredible. "We went to New York on a trip once and we were unprepared for what happened. People rushed up and wanted to touch you. They knew you, and called you by your first name. I had been in pictures for years, and most of the time I was never identified."

If the movers and shakers of the film industry who gave Miss Ball her start during the 1930s were alive, they would have been shocked. To them, simply and kindly, Lucille Ball was a B-movie queen, one of the many second-line actresses who never attained star billing, but who was an important ingredient to the motion picture industry.

Unlike many performers who labored under the cruel studio system, Miss Ball fondly remembered her early years in Hollywood. "It was nice to be under the umbrella of a studio. You always had a poppa. I loved it. I loved being part of the business. I would have swept floors just to be in it."

Miss Ball, however, did not forget the tactics of the brutal and disgusting lords of movieland. Harry "King" Cohn, the ruler of Columbia Pictures, stood out. "He made the biggest dent in everybody. He was ruthless. He always had to take a devious route." (3)

Miss Ball, who is not exactly a pushover, laughingly recalled the time she outwitted the sly Cohn.

Miss Ball had received an offer to work in a Cecil B. DeMille film, but Cohn refused to loan her to the producer. He was being mean. Then, Cohn decided to drop her contract. To do it, he sent the actress a horrible script something that the trade called a lease breaker. "Oh, everybody was dying to play opposite John Agar and Raymond Burr," she recalled jokingly. "I was going to be a harum [sp] girl." Naturally, Cohn expected her to refuse and it would be the end of her contract. (4)

The savvy Miss Ball decided to do the film and collect her check. When she made this announcement there was an uproar. She coyly told her bosses: "Oh, I want to do the film. It's a wonderful film."

Meanwhile, Miss Ball, who had been trying to get pregnant for years, found out she was going to have a baby. Now, she was in trouble. If Cohn found out, he would break her contract. "I only told my mother and my husband I was pregnant."

Keeping her lips sealed, she went ahead with Cohn's film. "The wardrobe girl kept looking at me in my harum [sp] girl costume and saying, 'What's wrong with you, you are getting so big.' "So, I told her, 'Don't worry, I ate a big meal last night. Just put a little more taffeta on my dress.' Well, I finished the film and I collected my $85,000."

"Then I had to go to Mr. DeMille and tell him I couldn't do his film. I was pregnant. 'What,' he said. And I replied. 'I'm going to have a baby. 'Get rid of it,' he said. And he was serious.' She declined. (5)

While Miss Ball's career as a TV star is secure (she still has a contract with CBS) (6) she is not so certain about the state of the industry. Today, unlike when she started on the air, shows are yanked off the screen within a couple of weeks. This, she said, destroys performers.

"If a show is canceled, the actor takes the blame. He or she suffers for it. They suffer inside. The rejection - they failed. (7)

"I would fail. You can't protect yourself. It's out of your hands. It's always Lucy failed or Rhoda failed or Farrah Sauset Fawcett Sauset, whatever her name is, failed. It's rough." (8)

Even so, Lucille Ball, the red-haired girl from Jamestown, N.Y., would still be on top.

# # #

FOOTNOTES FROM THE FUTURE

(1) Ed Wynn (1886-1966) was a vaudevillian who hosted “The Ed Wynn Show” on television from 1949 to 1950. Lucy and Desi guest-starred on the show.

(2) ‘Riccardo’ is probably a misspelling of ‘Ricardo’, but it was also the way their surname was spelled on “I Love Lucy” in early episodes!

(3) Harry Cohn (1891-1958) was a much-despised executive at Columbia Studios. Lucille Ball once facetiously told Louella Parsons that she liked Harry Cohn too much to ever sign a contract with him. What Lucille meant is that Cohn had a reputation for being difficult. Despite that fact, a casting draught forced her to sign with Columbia in 1949.

(4) Lucille Ball had often complained to Cohn about the quality of the pictures she had been doing at Columbia. At the time The Magic Carpet was made, Ball was only obligated to Columbia for one more film, and Cohn had producer Sam Katzman, who turned out most of Columbia's low-budget "B" pictures, concoct a cheap Arabian Nights fantasy as a punishment to Ball for her constantly challenging him. More salacious writers insist that Cohn’s frustration with Ball was due to the fact that she would not submit to him sexually.

(5) The DeMille film in question was The Greatest Show on Earth, a movie set at the Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey circus. Lucille was set to play the elephant trainer, a role that went to Gloria Graham. It was a film Lucille really wanted to do - but she wanted a baby more. Later in life, Desilu created a TV version of the film. Lucille also guest-starred as the ringmaster on “Circus of the Stars II” in which Lucie Arnaz was featured as.... the elephant trainer!

(6) Lucille Ball had started working at CBS on radio and was considered their premiere star. In 1980, after her television shows had ended, she signed with NBC, a partnership that yielded very little except that Ball was obliged to appear on Bob Hope’s many specials, something she frequently did anyway. Both CBS and NBC declined her final series “Life With Lucy” which producer Aaron Spelling finally convinced ABC to air.

(7) Although this article was written ten years before “Life With Lucy”, Lucille could very well be describing her own devastation when the series was cancelled even before all the initial episodes aired. She was widely criticized and the series often turned up on “worst show” lists.

(8) Rhoda refers to a character on “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” that was played by Valerie Harper, a performer that appeared on Broadway with Lucille. In 1974, the character was spun off into its own eponymous sitcom which aired for four seasons.

Farrah Fawcett-Majors was a beautiful blonde actress and poster girl that burst onto the TV scene in the mid-1970s. A year after this interview, she was in the hit series “Charlie’s Angels” entering American iconography for her feathered hair and curvaceous figure the same way Betty Grable had in the 1940s.

#Lucille Ball #Valerie Harper #Harry Cohn #Farrah Fawcett #The Greatest Show on Earth #Life With Lucy #Cecil B. DeMille #The Magic Carpet #Lucie Arnaz #Gloria Graham #Desi Arnaz #Ed Wynn #1977 #Frank Swertlow

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entracteofevil · 3 years

Text

Character Introductions

Entr’acte of Evil, page 14-36

“Come, kneel to me!”

Riliane Lucifen d’Autriche

(Kagamine Rin)

The princess who rules the Kingdom of Lucifenia. For her arrogant behavior and proud personality, she is despised by her people, called the “Daughter of Evil”. She and her servant Allen are twins, but as she’s lost her memories of when she was young she doesn’t remember him. Her life was endangered in the civil war with the revolutionary army, but with Allen’s help she escaped from the palace, and later came to live in a monastery.

AkunoP’s comment

Her character isn’t very complicated in construction, following the template of the ‘willful girl’. I guess she’s developed a bit more than her portrayal in the song. Though I did want to write more on how she grows after joining the monastery (haha). I do regret not being able to do that. It’d be nice if I could write about that somewhere.

*This character was based on the VOCALOID 2 Character Vocal Series 02 Kagamine Rin of “Kagamine Rin/Len” published by Crypton Future Media.

-Her monastery outfit is cinched together by a strap tied at the left side on her waist. Her back is the same design as her front.

-These are the accessories that Riliane wears on her person (rough depiction). There’s a lot of simple items that just have a gem in the middle, but they are still quite expensive.

Ichika’s comment

*Princess outfit: She has a kind of light and fluffy dress design with a lot of lace and ribbons to show her more adorable side. There’re a lot of rose motifs on her decorations. I wanted to have her hold onto some connection with her and Allen’s parent, so I drew her necklace to look like it was it was made out of something Queen Anne wore.

*Monastery outfit: She’s a novice nun, so her skirt length is a little short. It’s a simple outfit that’s just overall a bunch of sewn together cloth, but as she’s a former princess she has the kind of setup of wearing it well. Though she’s probably a bit bad at her work. Or maybe I should just say she’s not used to it.

“How’s the flavor, Princess Riliane?”

Allen Avadonia

(Kagamine Len)

A boy who works as a common servant in the Lucifenian royal palace, despite possessing substantial skill at swordplay and horseback riding. He has a very mature personality, but occasionally he’ll show a bit of boyishness in his expression. He is actually Riliane’s younger twin brother. He wishes for Riliane’s happiness more than anything. He helps Riliane escape during the civil war with the revolutionary army and takes her place, being executed as the princess.

AkunoP’s comment

He was the hardest character to write (haha). Despite being a protagonist. Mostly in that I would worry that I was making him seem too young (though he is young), and that his youth in itself was a bit difficult to write. Fourteen-year-old boys are tricky. Even now I don’t think I’ve really got a handle on it (haha). There were a lot of parts where I felt like I messed up.

*This character was based on the VOCALOID 2 Character Vocal Series 02 Kagamine Len of “Kagamine Rin/Len” published by Crypton Future Media.

-The ribbon that ties his hair back looks to be a butterfly knot. His shoes are a simple loafer design.

Ichika’s comment

*Servant outfit: He’s a servant, so he has clothes that are easy to move in. In order to show a bit of his boyishness I made the lower cuff of his outer jacket a bit too big for him. His pockets are decorative. I think he should take off his upper coat when doing more strenuous work.

*Traveling outfit: I made his coat a little bit loose, so that it could be worn as-is above his normal clothing. I was thinking about various things when I drew it—like making sure he has a relaxed formal air even when he’s attendant on the princess, that he’s alright even if it rains as he has a hood, that it’s one-size-fits-all, etc.

“To me, you are a very wonderful person.”

Michaela

(Hatsune Miku)

A servant who serves Lord Keel, and originally a spirit that lived under the great earth god, Held. She has an inquisitive personality, and her hobby is people-watching. She chose the appearance of the ‘original sinner’ as her human form when she reincarnated. She is beloved by everyone for her kind and sociable personality, as well as her beautiful looks and singing voice. She’s always worrying about her dear friend Clarith, and also this “love” that humans have.

AkunoP’s comment

This one was also hard to work with (haha). On a fundamental level, she’s less the “of Evil” Miku and more just straight up “VOCALOID Miku”. Like the whole “Miku is an angel” thing from the early days. I think it was through her relationship with Clarith that she was finally able to set herself apart as the “of Evil” Miku. I’ve still got a few more developments for her yet (haha).

*This character was based on the VOCALOID 2 Character Vocal Series 01 “Hatsune Miku” published by Crypton Future Media.

-The sleeves of her town outfit are lined with lace. They are three-quarter length.

Ichika’s comment

*Town outfit: Given that she’s meant to be adorable, her outfit was made with a kind of fluttering look in her sleeves and such. There are a lot of parts where two sleeve ends overlap. I drew her to be more of a diva than a servant in appearance. Also, while her pendant is a scallop in shape, its size is close to that of the end of her thumb.

*Village outfit: As she’s sort of German in style, I drew her with the image of the German Fairy Tale Road in mind. As I have the personal idea that it’s a hand-me-down from Clarith’s mom, the skirt for her dress is a little too long. I didn’t get the idea that she was dressed all that fashionably in the village, so I made it so that this one had no ribbon.

“I—I’m sorry! I’m really sorry!”

Clarith

(Yowane Haku)

A servant who works at the Keel estate alongside Michaela. She’s a Netsuma girl with white hair and red eyes, and she has suffered persecution from the Elphe people due to being an ethnic minority. It’s because of this that she developed her catchphrase, “I’m sorry for being alive”, and her pessimistic personality. On a fundamental level she’s clumsy and not really good at anything, but she does have skill in cooking. She also likes plants and animals, and she takes very good care of saplings.

AkunoP’s comment

She’s the character that’s the closest to my “real self”. “I’m sorry for being alive” is actually my real life catchphrase (haha). So she’s easy to empathize with. She has a few odd points but she’s really the most normal, “everyman” character in the story. Haku herself was originally conceived not as a VOCALOID but as a “master”(song producer), you know.

*This character was based on “Yowane Haku”, a derivative of the VOCALOID 2 Character Vocal Series 01 Hatsune Miku published by Crypton Future Media.

-The length of her hair goes down to slightly above her knees. She also tends to use the bangs on the side of her face to hide her ears.

Ichika’s comment

*Town outfit: On the whole she’s like Michaela, but I made her design more simple to express a grown-up and “in the background” air. I didn’t see her as someone to wear particularly girly clothes, so her collar is a bit more masculine. I think four out of five times she’d have Michaela help out with the ties on her back.

*Monastery outfit: I designed her sleeves to be neat so that it would be easy for her to cook, which is her main strength. As they don’t have any ostentatious stuff like hair decorations at the monastery I tearfully cut down on her ribbon… It’s a useless detail but her waist sash is supposed to be in a granny knot.

*Village outfit: I put her in a simple, full dress that’s easy to put on. I had intended for her outfit to both show that she was an outsider and be something that Clarith herself picked out to not stand out in a village, which ultimately gave me this image of a slightly overdressed outfit. Hence her design coming out like this.

“I ain’t broken the fountain yet, yannow!”

Chartette Langley

(Kasane Teto)

A maid who serves in the palace, and Allen’s childhood friend. Due to her frightening strength she excels at heavy work, but struggles with more delicate tasks and is often breaking things inside the palace. The princess is fond of her for her outgoing personality, and they will sometimes take tea-time together. During the revolution she engages in a duel against Mariam, one of the Three Heroes, using a broadsword larger than her own height.

AkunoP’s comment

I like this character (haha). She was easy to work with. I wish I could have had her do more. She didn’t get to do anything in the second book, so I’ve been thinking about maybe having her show up in the third book.

*This character is based on “Kasane Teto”.

-During the duel she took on the style of wielding a sword larger than her own body. For that reason her outfit was made to show ease of movement.

-The broadsword is of a simple design, but that’s overpowered by its sheer size. It sort of has the image of a blunt weapon more than a slashing implement.

Ichika’s comment

*Maid outfit: The ends of her sleeves are precisely folded back. The hem of her skirt is frilly and puffs out a bit, as the style of the maid outfit in the country of yellow. The hem is also slightly short, as she does a lot of running around. The ribbon at her collar had been red at first to match her hair, but I figured that it wouldn’t be red in the country of yellow so I changed it to yellow.

* Resistance outfit: She’s a peasant, so she has light armor on her casual wear. The coverings for her wrists were a bit more unrefined at first. I drew her leg armor in to serve as a sort of counterweight for when she swings her sword around. As such, they’re supposed to be much heavier than they look. She could probably mortally wound someone with one kick.

“Please…keep what I’ve said a secret.”

Ney Phatipe

(Akita Neru)

A maid who serves in the palace, and the adoptive daughter of the head maid and one of the Three Heroes, Mariam. She does all her work flawlessly, but it’s countered by her being a gossip and loose-lip, which results in some turmoil occurring. She’s favored by Riliane, and becomes a source of information for her. Her true identity is that of Marlon’s thirteenth princess, Ney Marlon.

AkunoP’s comment

Like Clarith, Ney is a character that I had a concept of since the very beginning. She was originally a childhood friend of the twins who stood in a sort of “big sister” role, and wound up becoming “another servant”. She’s the character who’s changed the most from how she was in the beginning. I actually had plans to make her into a joke character (haha).

*This character was based on “Akita Neru”, a derivative of the VOCALOID 2 Character Vocal Series 01 Hatsune Miku published by Crypton Future Media.

-I considered several different ways of her tying her hair when she’s an assassin, but how she ends up being in that situation is a secret.

Ichika’s comment

*Maid outfit: The basics are the same as Chartette’s maid uniform. Only the hem is longer, to show the difference in work and her personality. She feels like the kind of person to wear her maid uniform so well that she could do her work from start to finish all day without anything out of place. She was trained by her adoptive mother.

*Assassin outfit: She’s doing espionage activities, so it’s an entirely black uniform. The main focus was ease of movement. The boots are made of a soft fabric to make it harder to hear her footsteps. Her ponytail can be bundled up and pushed under her clothing depending on the situation. It probably just barely gets in. –Fits in.

“…Stop mocking me.”

Kyle Marlon

(KAITO)

The king of the island country of Marlon (the “Country of Blue”), and Riliane’s fiancé. Riliane adores him, calling him her “dear”, but he falls in love at first sight with Michaela when meeting her in the mansion of his friend, Keel, and so breaks off the engagement on his end. He is no match for his mother, Empress Dowager Prim, something he’s a bit ashamed of.

AkunoP’s comment

I’m so sorry, but he’s the one I care about the least (haha). Frankly I seriously didn’t want to write him all that much. These novels aside, don’t expect me to make KAITO this cool overall. Though he’s a pretty toothsome character, with how many turns he gets.

*This character was based on the VOCALOID Character “KAITO” published by Crypton Future Media.

-The basis for his masked appearance is a certain sha[redacted]. It’s a simple outfit, but the decorations it has here and there are gaudy in a minor way.

Ichika’s comment

*Main outfit: As he was designed with a theme of solemnity, his whole appearance is composed with a precise and stiff feel. The collar of his jacket is designed like a suit. His sleeves are meant to feel a bit stern. I drew his outfit with a sort of square image of the country of blue in my head, so he’s light on the curves. Since he’s a male character I put more emphasis on being chic than flashy.

*Disguise outfit: I drew this to feel like the sort of typical outfit of the country of blue. But the quality of the fabric is a grade above that of the average person. If I were to draw in any armor it would let slip what country he’s from, so he’s just got the one sword as equipment. It’s the same sword he wields in his king outfit, but he tries to hide it.

“Let’s go, everyone.”

Germaine Avadonia

(MEIKO)

Allen’s adopted sibling who lives in the town below Lucifenia castle, and the adopted daughter of Leonhart, one of the Three Heroes. She’s dependable and cares about her friends, but that comes with the snag of her being a little crude. In actuality she’s quite smart, becoming the leader of the Resistance and earning the people’s respect.

AkunoP’s comment

At first, I had wanted to make her into a classic, genuinely heroic character…But I guess that got a bit warped. Like Miku, there’s a lot of influence taken from her character as a VOCALOID. I want to write about her past sometime. She’s an unexpectedly pitiable character, who winds up not having a lot of influence.

Ichika’s comment

In addition to being based on Leonhart’s armor, the insignia above her chest is taken from the hilt of his sword, so in that sense it’s like her equipment has inherited her father’s will. It’s lighter armor, given that as she’s a woman there’s more emphasis on maneuverability. As it prioritizes heroism over sex appeal, her legs haven’t been left exposed.

*This character was based on the VOCALOID Character “MEIKO” published by Crypton Future Media.

“You working hard, kids?”

Leonhart Avadonia

(LEON)

Allen and Germaine’s adoptive father, and one of the Three Heroes. He’s the captain of the guard of the royal family, but he clashes with the princess over their different opinions. An unparalleled drinker, he often drinks the night away with his daughter Germaine.

AkunoP’s comment

Among the Three Heroes, he’s the one that came to mind first. He vanishes pretty quickly from the story for someone who was present in the plot of the Daughter of Evil since its original conception… Though I guess he does get to do more in the bonus story, so it’s all good. He’s a bit of an old fogey by the Daughter of Evil era. I did have some other more detailed ideas for him, but ultimately wound up not using them.

Ichika’s comment

He has solidly built heavy armor. The main colors of his outfit are red and white, but there’s a single thread of yellow on his mantle alone to symbolize the people of the country of yellow. The mantle is part of his uniform as captain of the guard; he didn’t have one during his hero days.

*This character was independently made based on VOCALOID “LEON” published by ZERO-G.

“Lucifenia will very soon be overthrown.”

Elluka Clockworker

(Megurine Luka)

A court sorceress who served the previous monarch, and one of the Three Heroes. Her predictions are never wrong, and so there are many who trust in her in the palace. She has lived for a long time, and is carrying out the task of collecting the “Vessels of Deadly Sin” as a favor to the great land god Held.

AkunoP’s comment

It’s the postscript character! (haha) Originally I planned for the sorceress role was going to be played by a different character, but then I swapped her out when Luka was published, resulting in her ultimately getting the best role. Personality-wise she’s similar to how I am when I’m drunk (haha). So, like Clarith, I’m quite fond of her, and she’s easy to write.

Ichika’s comment

It’s a bit hard to tell with the robe on, but despite not looking like it she actually has some degree of exposure. Mostly her shoulders and legs. Her outfit was designed to look bewitching. The jewels at her hip are taken from her VOCALOID image character. After Riliane, she probably has the most accessories out of anyone else.

*This character was based on the VOCALOID 2 Character Vocal Series 03 “Megurine Luka” published by Crypton Future Media.

“Yes, the green onion, the Very Amazing, Green Onion.”

Gumillia

(Megpoid)

A sorceress in training who serves in the palace, and Elluka’s apprentice. She is very close with Michaela, and was originally one of the spirits who served Held alongside her. She picked the form of Elphegort’s first female prime minister, Gumina Glassred, as her appearance when reincarnating as a human.

AkunoP’s comment

She hardly got to do anything at all…Since she hasn’t had a lot of influence on the story at present, I think I’d really like to give her more to do in the third book (haha). I think she’s the character with the most potential. She was originally a spirit, and is a sorceress to boot. So, expect great things from her in the future!

Ichika’s comment

As she’s Elluka’s apprentice her outfit design is made to resemble hers, though it also shows a more apprentice-esque childishness in it. But I also see her not changing her outfit even after her training his passed. Like Elluka, she has a single jewel around her hip.

*This character was based on the VOCALOID 2 Artist Vocal character “Megpoid” published by Internet Co., Ltd.

“I am one of the Three Heroes, Mariam Phatipe!”

Mariam Phatipe

(MIRIAM)

She once engaged in espionage as one of the Three Heroes, but now she serves as the head maid in the palace. Her personality is extremely rigid, but she has her kind side as well, and there are many who admire her. She prides herself on covert work, like running secret intelligence.

AkunoP’s comment

Her appearance is meant to feel like a gorgeous, cool beauty. In conception she’s this badass secret intelligence operative, but in the end she wound up being a dud spy (haha). She was completely useless, and failed to see what was happening with her own daughter. Her position is sort of that of everyone’s stern mother. Though the “Of Evil” series is full of stern women, and all of them are strong.

Ichika’s comment

She does have a theme of being a rigid, cool beauty. With this sort of masculine air, too. Her outfit is a bit old-fashioned, bearing in mind the image of the previous queen’s reign. I pictured her being able to move a fair bit whatever her uniform, so I think it would always be prim and proper, without anything out of place.

*This character was independently made based on VOCALOID “MIRIAM” published by ZERO-G.

“We have a favor to ask of you.”

Anne Lucifen D’autriche

(Sweet Ann)

The old queen of Lucifenia, and the mother of Riliane, who admired her. She often said she wanted to “build a country where children can live with a smile”, and devoted her energies into the strengthening and expansion of her country. Like her husband Arth I, she passed away from the incurable “Gula” disease.

AkunoP’s comment

She’s sort of like what Riliane could have turned out like if she’d been raised properly. Strong, kind, and popular. Only, I’m sure she must have been more mischievous when she was younger. She probably had reckless adventures and passionate romantic stories, but I’ve got no plans to write any of them (haha).

Ichika’s comment

I drew her with a theme of a queen’s strictness and a woman’s gentleness. Actually, her character design is the one I liked the most on first drawing it. She’s not too gaudy, but I’m really happy her outfit conveys a sense of stability in its place.

*This character was independently made based on the VOCALOID 2 “SWEET ANN” published by PowerFX.

“That’s just common practice among merchants.”

Keel Freezis

(Hiyama Kiyoteru)

A famous merchant who conducts trade in Elphegort, while being an immigrant from Marlon. He serves as the head of the trade association, and is also proficient in handling information. He’s an old friend of Marlon’s King Kyle. He has three children.

AkunoP’s comment

The no.2 super afterthought character (haha). At first I had no plans for him to do anything at all, but when I tried giving him a few more scenes he turned out to be a pretty fun character; I ended up shortening Kyle’s role to compensate (haha). It was a lot of fun to write a character so cheerful. And it was pretty amusing to have him be such a doting parent.

Ichika’s comment

As he’s a merchant, he wears shoes and an outfit that are both easy to walk in. His uniform base is the country of blue. Fundamentally his robe is for use in business discussions, and is supposed to easy to remove when it gets hot or gets in the way. I would imagine he probably dresses down a bit outside of occasions where he’s conversing with royalty and nobles.

*This character was based on the VOCALOID 2 Vocaloid teacher “Hiyama Kiyoteru” published by AH-Software Co. Ltd.

“Tell me the story of the ‘Daughter of Evil’!”

Yukina Freezis

(Kaai Yuki)

The eldest daughter of the wealth Elphegort merchant Keel Freezis. She’s very attached to her servant Clarith, and often has her wrapped around her little finger, being both naïve and mischievous. She has a hobby of writing stories, and excels at it despite her young age.

AkunoP’s comment

She’s going to be more active in the third book. She’ll be a main character!! (haha) She becomes the author of the Freezis Fairytales, and the official teller of the story. Come to think of it I did buy the Yuki software the other day, so I might make a song for her after this.

Ichika’s comment

Frankly she’s the most fun when drawing. While heavily basing her off of her original character image, I also gave her a more chic and mature air befitting a merchant’s daughter. I’m happy I was able to make her appearance show how doted on she is by Keel.

*This character was based on the VOCALOID 2 Vocaloid student “Kaai Yuki” published by AH-Software Co. Ltd.

“I was the same as you…Evil.”

Gast Venom

(Gackpoid)

A skilled mercenary who heads a mercenary band, called “The Demon of Asmodean”. During the revolution he stays at the palace until the end under Allen’s request, and fought against the revolutionaries using a weapon called a katana, something unfamiliar to the Evillious region.

AkunoP’s comment

He’s got a mystery for so few appearances (haha). I’ve given him a ton of backstory but I haven’t shared any of it. Like that he’s a descendant of Venomania, that he isn’t actually [redacted], none of it’s been shown in story. And he got killed by an amateur girl (haha). In that sense I guess he’s more pathetic than Kyle. I’d like to get some of it out someday though.

Ichika’s comment.

I made him more Japanese in style to give him a foreign feel. I drew his outfit and his equipment to be like the protective armor of a swordsman. His outfit’s meant to have a slightly feminine component to it, like having a feminine sash at his waist. He’s got a decent amount of layering in his clothing. His physique is meant to feel pretty lean.

*This character was based on the VOCALOID 2 Artist Vocal character “Gackpoid” published by Internet Co., Ltd.

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sadsapphicslut · 3 years

Text

chapter one - original story (i havent come up with a title yet lol)

okay so here it is!! if anyone actually reads this i love u :) please leave feedback if u have any!!

TWs:

death, drugs, medication, mental illness, references to sex, swearing, alcohol

wordcount: 8.2k

(also i dont think anyone will but im paranoid of people stealing my writing so obligatory dont copy/post to another site or steal my work in any other ways etc)

There were five of us; 4 boys and me. In hindsight I realize from the outside our group probably seemed a little predatory, but it was never really like that. For the most part they were like brothers to me. Of course, being the only girl in a small and isolated club of mainly older boys, things were bound to happen. We were in high school and it was summer, can you blame me? Regardless, however much I loved them, it was not quite in the way my father always assumed or my mother always warned (during our uncomfortable monthly visitations before I managed to get rid of her for good).

The months everything went down, which I often referred to only as ‘The Worst Summer of My Life’, (quite melodramatically but not without reason) were somehow still full of the best moments of my life. Moments I often find myself wishing I could repeat, as nothing has or will ever come close to the way I felt, sitting amongst my boys day after day, somehow light as the warm July breeze that blew past us. My entire body weightless, as non-existent as the time that passed us by. Despite the depression I’d found myself plunged into during the days after my only brother’s death, I truly believe I will never again be as happy as I was then. Laughter seemed to flow freely from our mouths, smiles plastered onto our faces no matter the circumstances, content to just exist. I don’t think I can ever forget the day it was raining so hard the entire city was flooded, but we walked around uptown well past the point of being absolutely drenched, our clothes dripping so heavily the security guard denied us entry into the public library. Something about that day made me feel so free, like we were invisible. Completely apathetic to the whims of the real world, somehow existing only in our twisted minds and intertwined fantasies.

Maybe if I’d had my head screwed on a little tighter, or if we’d met under different circumstances, it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. I used to go down that line of thought every night before succumbing to a fitful but heavy sleep (under the direct affect of 25mg of Quetiapine, working to counteract my Concerta and Lexapro). Those types of irrational thoughts were ones my therapist deemed as my habit for rumination. In regard to the death of my brother she called it ‘bargaining’, one of the stages of grief. I never liked it when she spoke about those stages as I’ve always felt them to be wrong. Maybe because I never quite moved on to the final one, no matter how many years pass. ‘Acceptance’, coined as the “Re-entrance to reality”. Maybe it’s different since I was never really grounded to reality in the first place. I still wake up some mornings, thinking I’ve heard his voice in the other room, ready to beguile me with tales from his day of retail work. Other times I swear I’ve walked past him on the street. Some people may relate to my experiences, with reasonings of ghosts, angels, apparitions, or insanity, among many other causes for the apparent viewing of a loved one long gone to the other side. I never shared these beliefs, but I am not one to deny. Rather, I always take these instances as an omen. A warning. I have come to this conclusion not without evidence, at least circumstantial, given the many occasions over the years – and especially that summer – where I found my hypothesis to be true. All I can say is that I am glad I’ve never been met with the same chimerical visions of my mother; one can only hope that is because she ended up where she belonged. Maybe I’ll see her there, though I hope at the very least they could keep us in separate rooms of Hell if the situation does arise.

From what I know of the others now, which is admittedly not much – majorly due to my own neglect, as opposed to theirs – they share the same prescription for rose-coloured glasses as I. We always were too engrossed with our own romanticization of nostalgia and sentiment that it clouded our view. I often think this was one of the reasons we seemed to fit so well together. Not quite like puzzle pieces, too self-absorbed to hold a candle to that analogy, more like complimentary colours. I wish it could’ve stayed the way it was. We did try, and I never found myself able to fully disentangle myself from James, nor he could to I, but for most of us we could recognize an ending when one arises. I used to find myself using the word tragedy a lot while reminiscing, but I no longer think that word is appropriate. Fate is a more fitting term in my opinion, regardless of if one believes in it or not. “(A)n inevitable and often adverse outcome, condition, or end,” as reported by Merriam Webster. I don’t think there’s a word in the entire English language more accurate in describing how everything ended up; and if there is, I am yet to find it.

Chapter One

A Dead Brother

I have tried to erase the day my brother died from my memory so many times I lost count decades ago. I still find the image seeping into my unconsciousness quite dreadfully on the nights I neglect to take my pills and catch myself waking up with a steady flow of tears that dampen my pillow along with the drool that always seems to pour from my sleeping mouth. The dread that pools in my stomach sometimes being heavy enough for me to lose my lunch. I frequently wonder how people managed to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault; the most painful lie I’ve ever been told and one that seemed to stream from people’s mouths as easily as the mini sandwiches laid in the living room of my brother’s wake were stuffed in. The worst part about being told it wasn’t my fault was how obviously one could tell they didn’t believe what they were saying either. His death was my fault; a fact so uncontestable I wanted to kill myself every time I was reminded of it.

My therapist often tried to remind me that even if his death was “partially” (she always used the word partially, refusing to acknowledge the truth that his death was entirely my fault) my fault, there was nothing I could’ve done to prevent it. This was another lie I despised being told. There were a million ways I could have prevented his death or saved his life and yet, here we are, with him dead and me wishing everyday that I won’t wake up tomorrow. “Begonia,” she’d tell me – she was the only person who called me by my full name, I usually went by Nia, but a nickname felt too personal and I didn’t like her very much – “You mustn’t keep torturing yourself with these scenarios. He’s dead, and there is nothing you can do to change that. I am starting to wonder if you are going to let yourself move on. This isn’t healthy.” That was a line she liked to use a lot, “this isn’t healthy”. As if anything I do is.

Barb, my therapist that is, liked to go over the details of my brother’s death a lot. She often called it a ‘trigger’, which is why she always seemed to want me to talk about it. “Trauma is a horrible thing, Begonia, and you must learn to move past it, process it. I can see you still haven’t managed to do that on your own, and that’s what I’m here for, to help you move on.” Barb was big on the idea of “moving past trauma” and “learning to cope”, she often sounded like a broken record of a motivational speech. I found myself comparing her to school guidance councillors without realizing it, they were about equally as helpful (read: not helpful) in my opinion.

Sometimes I blame my inability to forget and “move past” my brother’s death on the way Barb constantly brought it up and made me go through it. I never quite understood how that part of my therapy was supposed to help me. I asked her once, what good was it doing rehashing the worst day of my life?

“Well, Begonia,” I hated the way she said my name, always so condescending and sour, like even the idea of me questioning her in any way was as impolite as shitting on her desk.

“You have to understand that I only want to help you. You seem to be unable to process your traumas on your own, which is why we need to go through these things. As you are aware, this PTSD,” she always left strange pauses after each letter, her slow tone grinding on my ears, “you have acquired has left you unable to function normally in daily life. I want you to get to a place where you can have a normal life (Ha!) and cope without these meetings. It’s what your brother would’ve wanted.” Barb liked to tell me what my brother would have wanted at least once every session. Putting aside the fact she knew next to nothing about him aside from the intimate details on how he died, I always thought it was an inappropriate thing to say as a psychologist specializing in grief counselling. It never particularly bothered me, I was reasonable enough to realize she was just trying to comfort me, but I never liked the phrase. “What your brother would’ve wanted.” What he would’ve wanted was to not die but we’re past that, aren’t we Barb, as you so often enjoyed telling me.

I have always been quite averse to my diagnoses, ADHD at 14, Persistent Depressive Disorder at 15, PTSD at 16, issues with alcohol and drugs that landed me in rehab more than once. I’ve been on a concoction of different medications since I was 13, even before I was diagnosed with anything officially. Sertraline, Lexapro, Prozac, Ritalin, Concerta, Adderall, Quetiapine, Ambien, Zopiclone, a healthy mix of off brand and branded medications. Sleeping pills, antidepressants, stimulants. I can’t remember a time before monthly trips to the drug store and side effect surveys that I’m not sure if I ever told the truth on. It’s a wonder that people didn’t see a slew of addiction issues coming from a mile away.

I think I’ve always had the most contention with my PTSD diagnosis though, I hate it because I know it’s undeniably true. I wish it wasn’t because maybe that’d mean my brother was still alive, but he isn’t. And I’m left traumatized and bereaved. Sometimes it feels like it hurt me more than it ever did my mother or father. Maybe it did. I should feel selfish for saying that, but I can’t, because they didn’t have to look at him while the life left his body, praying to God for the ability to turn back time. See the moment his eyes glazed over, knowing I’d never get to hear his obnoxious laugh, or make fun of his dumb face ever again.

❈

“Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.”

It was a cool evening in May, the end of spring brought with it the promise of summer and the air had the familiar aroma of daffodils and petrichor. I had decided to go to a party with my friend Faun, my dad having been out at his girlfriend’s place for the weekend and me having nothing better to do. I wasn’t one for partying, but I did like to get high, so I usually just hung around with the rest of the potheads and pill junkies until someone dragged me home or I fell asleep. That night Don, a friend of a friend of a friend, had brought coke and E and we were all determined to get as fucked up as possible. Faun only ended up doing one line before running into a bedroom with some guy whose name started with an M – was it Martin or Marvin? Maybe it was Mickey – and left me sitting on the couch beside a girl who was about 1 more shot of vodka away from passing out.

I had fully intended on doing some coke, but the E seemed to be hitting harder than I was used to. I was sure my Ritalin had worn off by then but maybe I was wrong. As I stood up to get a glass of water I nearly fell over and decided to sit back down. Turning to face Don, I tapped him on the shoulder trying to get his attention.

“What was in that molly?” I was vaguely aware of the way my words were slurring, but I felt weirdly energized. I was aware my heart was beating a little too fast, but I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I knew what ecstasy felt like, this was not nearly my first time doing it, but I felt really wrong.

“Don!” He turned to look at me and I felt uneasy. His eyes looked a little crazed – not that out of the ordinary but given the circumstances I was worried – “What the fuck did you give me?” It felt like I’d done 5 lines of coke in the last 2 minutes and I knew that E had been spiked.

Don’s face had an unmistakable expression of guilt written on it as he leaned down and whispered in my ear, his voice shaking, “I think it was cut with meth.” Fuck. My stomach dropped. I have to get out of here. I quickly shot up from the musty couch I was sat on, carefully holding onto Don’s shoulder so I didn’t fall, my legs still feeling unsteady. I opened my phone; the screen was too bright, and I had a hard time maneuvering it as I attempted to exit the house. Clicking the green Messages icon, I sent a text to Faun – e ws cut w meth im lesving – with shaky hands and burst out the door into the fresh air. I clicked my brother’s contact and pressed call.

It rang four times before he picked up.

“Nia? Why are you calling me it’s like 1am?” I could tell from the smooth tone of his voice he’d been drinking. He didn’t very often but he had an appreciation for cocktails and enjoyed getting buzzed now and then. He still was a year from being legal to drink but his friends we’re all 19 and 20 and bought alcohol for him. I found him fun when he got drunk, becoming talkative and giggly, but right now I wished so badly for him to be sober.

“Ray, hey listen I need you to come pick me up.” I was slurring, my voice a bit too pitchy to pass as anything but high. I knew he didn’t like it when I did this, but he never ratted me out. Sometimes I wish he did, maybe I never would’ve been able to go to that party in the first place.

I could hear a door shutting on his end, I assumed he was going into a different room. “What’s wrong?” My skin was bubbling with anxiety at the prospect of having to tell him what I did.

“Fuck, uh… I did something stupid. I’m at Emily Goguen’s, y’know up in Champlain Heights. Please pick me up.” I rarely used the word please.

“Nia, what the fuck did you do?” I almost started crying but I found my eyes to be bone dry.

“Please don’t yell.”

“Okay, really, tell me what is going on or I won’t come get you.”

“I accidentally took meth.”

“You what? What the fuck, Nia! Fuck this I’m on my way and I’m fucking telling Dad.” I cringed but I knew he was going to before I even called. The pit in my stomach grew deeper as the buzzing of my skin grew stronger. I could feel myself getting higher, everything was so clear and standing around was making me grow restless. Ray huffed on the phone and I heard him entering his car.

His tone was softer the next time he spoke. “I’ll be there in 5, just stay put, please. Do you want me to stay on the call or can I hang up?”

I felt like a child, which I was really, only 16 at the time, a whole life ahead of me. Still, I was grateful for the way he spoke to me, reminiscent of being 6 and getting a scrapped knee after falling off my pink Razor scooter. The high made me edgy, and my voice was sharp to my ears, “No, you can hang up.” I heard the click to indicate he’d done just that, and started pushing my cuticles as I waited, the task somehow greatly interesting me, and I did not realize until later I had managed to pick off all of the skin around my pointer and middle fingernails during the five-minute wait.

Ray pulled up exactly five minutes later in his ugly, blue 2011 Ford Fiesta he’d gotten the year prior after passing his driving test. What I wouldn’t do now to smell the inside of that car once again, a distinct attar of pineapple car freshener and Old Spice deodorant mixed with stale black tea, faintly present due to his ever-growing collection of empty paper cups from various different fast foods and coffee shops.

I stumbled into the car, feeling the strong impulse to clean the space, but attempting to push it down. From the passenger side overhead mirror I could see my blown pupils and sweaty forehead, pieces of my copper red hair sticking to my face. My freckles were showing through my concealer that had mostly worn off and I wanted to cover them back up. My skin was pale from winter (and probably the drugs in my system) but my cheeks were flushed like I was drunk. My high cheekbones made my face look gaunt in the lighting, but my face was wide which balanced it out, so I didn’t look completely skeletal. Ray was looking at me, the worry apparent in his eyes, but his face was flushed as well, and I could tell he’d been drinking a bit too much to drive. I had my license as well, but it was clear I was in no condition to take over on that front, so I didn’t bother saying anything. I wish I had. There’s a lot of things I wish. I wish I hadn’t gone to that party; I wish I hadn’t taken that E; I wish I called someone else; I wish I waited it out at Emily’s; I wish I walked home; I wish I took a cab; I wish I waited for Faun; I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

“Are you okay?” He didn’t take his eyes off me as I shut the mirror in front of me.

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine. Please just take me home.”

“Is Dad there?”

“No.”

“Maybe I should take you to Mom’s.”

“No!” I’d moved out of my mom’s completely just over 6 months ago, barely seeing her once a month. It was one of the best decisions I’d ever made. She never liked me much anyways, the feeling was entirely mutual. Ray seemed to have a close bond with her for some reason despite how she treated him like shit. I never called him out though, he no longer lived with her, so I didn’t really care what their relationship was as long as she wasn’t hurting him. She did treat him significantly better than me, however, so I figured maybe he managed to forgive her the way I never could.

“Okay, but I’m staying with you until Dad gets home. I’m not gonna lie to him about this shit. Fucking meth, Nia? Seriously?”

“It was in the molly.” He sighed and started driving.

My brain felt like it was filled with butterflies, or ants, some kind of movement that was itching at my skull. The paper cups scattered around were making me anxious and I needed to clean his car. I began picking at my nails again, but I needed to pick up those cups, you see. I turned around and started gathering the ones Ray had discarded in the back, filling up an empty plastic bag from Best Buy. I was fully switched around in my seat, nearly crawling into the backseat to reach the trash my brother had left. I felt him tap my side, I looked over at him and he started to scold me.

“Nia, stop that will you, you’re distracting me.” But I needed to finish gathering the cups. The car was dirty, and my skin was itching, the traffic lights burning my skin. I was elated and I didn’t want to listen to him, he was just trying to get in my way. I continued to lean over, not registering the swerve of the car as he looked over at me.

“Nia – ”

He turned over to push me back into my seat, his eyes leaving the road for no more than a few seconds. This time I felt the swerve as we broke into the next lane.

This is where I have a hard time piecing together what happened. From what I was told, we ended up running directly into a 2015 Dodge Ram 2500. In case you understandably have a lack of knowledge when it comes to cars, that is a very large, sturdy, and expensive pickup truck which I would probably consider the last vehicle you’d want to charge headfirst into while going 70km per hour. I don’t recall the actual incident of hitting the truck, whether that be from the drugs, the position I was in, or hitting my head on the roof of the car, I don’t know. What I do know is that when I woke up, we were in a ditch on the side of the road, with the car flipped upside down, and my entire body was screaming at me to Get Out!

I felt blood oozing sluggishly from my head and noted some indistinct pain in my right wrist where it had scraped something pretty badly and gotten twisted, but I otherwise felt alright. I couldn’t tell if the cloudiness in my head was from a concussion or the earlier events of the night, but I figured it was probably good I was awake, regardless of how dazed I seemed.

I turned my head to the left and was greeted by a view I will never be able to forget, it having been branded to the insides of my eyelids, scorched in my mind. Ray, with his left arm twisted in spectacular fashion, reminding me of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, after Lockhart spells away Harry’s bones. My brother had always been squeamish with broken bones and I hoped he wasn’t aware of how his limb looked at the moment. His head was bleeding quite profusely, and I was alarmed despite how many times I’d heard in movies that headwounds bleed a lot. His eyelids were fluttering, irises appearing glassy and unfocussed. And then I saw it. A piece of glass was stuck in the left side of his neck. The windshield apparently had broken with the impact and my brother was lucky enough to get a piece lodged right in his trachea. It was thick, bright red blood – that I could’ve sworn was sparkling in my current inebriated perspective – was gushing out the side, so heavy I could smell it, taste it, in the air. I was frozen once I realized.

Do something, do something! Put pressure on it! Call 9-1-1! My mind was screaming at me, but it was all I could do to sit and watch the blood stain his clothes. He was wearing the corduroy jacket I’d gotten him for his birthday and a white button up, the red seeped into them until it was as if they’d always been that colour. My voice was caught in my throat, but I managed to push some sound past.

“Ray?” It was weaker than a whisper but in the silence that seemed to envelope us in that car, completely independent of the outside world and sirens that could surely be heard from blocks away, I knew he would be able to hear me.

He looked up, eyes focussing slightly on me, and a tear slipped down his face, only it went the wrong way since we were still upside down. He mouthed the words “I love you”. We never said that to each other. As close as we were, our relationship had always been more comparable to that of a best friend than sibling. We weren’t overly affectionate, never hugged or said I love you, hung out for enjoyment rather than as a punishment. Most people didn’t know we were brother and sister until we pointed it out, we never really looked alike and were absent of the traditional distaste and rivalry usually present between siblings. I knew, as he looked me in the eyes and said those words, this would be the last time I’d ever see him outside of a morgue.

I sat in my seat next to him with dry eyes, wishing desperately I could cry, needing to express the feeling of utter horror and despondency that completely overtook my body and mind, but I couldn’t. Barb told me time and time again that I was in shock, there was nothing I could’ve done, but I will never be able to believe that. I still remember the moment the final tear slipped down his face. He smiled at me, pain evident in his eyes. His entire body was covered in the metallic smelling red, and I wanted to vomit. I wish I could say the crash had sobered me, but it didn’t, not really. I was still entirely in a daze as I saw his muscles relax, smiling falling from his face, eyes not quite rolling back all the way but enough to give me nightmares for the next 20 years. The life had been absorbed from his body, leaving a heavy shell. I was told afterwards this all happened within the span of 10 minutes, but it felt like years. By the time the first responders had appeared I was an old woman. Grayed hair, and arthritic bones. Mourning for the brother I’d lost oh so many years ago, when I was just a girl. I think in a way I died in that car with him, I never was really the same. But who would be? Best friend and confidant, older brother, idol, dying in front of your eyes as you do nothing, knowing for the rest of your life that his death is – was – your fault. Knowing you could’ve done something, anything really, to prevent his untimely loss of life before the paramedics arrived. If I’d been the same after that night I would have to be much more disturbed than I ever thought.

I sat in that car beside Ray’s corpse for 3 more minutes before I heard the sirens closing in around us – me. I thought I might pass out, either from the toll of what I’d just witnessed or from my concussion, but I remained upright, probably from the adrenaline. I couldn’t move so I just waited, and hoped I’d die too before anyone reached the scene. It would be much preferrable to any other outcome I could think of at the time. I could vaguely register the pain in my wrist, but I felt so numb I’m sure you could’ve shot me in the foot and I wouldn’t have blinked.

A young fireman named Walter ended up getting me out of the car. The door was smashed and stuck which meant I’d been trapped in there either way. I was happy I hadn’t bothered trying to escape as I'm terribly claustrophobic and finding out I couldn’t would have thrown me into a proper panic attack. The fireman was incredibly nice, saying reassuring things the entire time they were opening the door with the “Jaws of Life”. I ended up seeing him again in the hospital actually, or at least that’s what my father told me. He wanted to check in on me and left me some hydrangeas in a vase. I always preferred chrysanthemums but I'm not that picky when it comes to a floral arrangement.

After the door was busted open I was carried out by Walter. I was shaking and apparently babbling nonsense but in my head I was trying to tell them to save Ray. I wasn’t really aware of all that much, completely blind to the crowd of spectators that had rudely gathered to witness the violence – wasn’t it supposed to be taboo to stop at a car crash? Wondering vaguely about what happened and wishing you could get a better look as you drive past the scene. My head wound had made me a bit incompetent and the meth in my system was really not helping the entire situation.

I was laid on a gurney and rolled onto an ambulance. I don’t remember much about the ride; the sirens, the bright lights, a paramedic named Alice who spoke softly, smoothing out my hair while the other put an oxygen mask on my face (which I wasn’t entirely cognizant enough to question though now I'm not really sure why they did it) and splinted my wrist. Alice asked me if I was on drugs and I nodded but was unable to speak when she asked me what ( I would find this a common occurrence after the accident, my voice seemingly stolen alongside Ray’s). She just nodded and said something to the other ME that I didn’t quite pick up. She asked if I could tell her my name and I shook my head. She must’ve noticed the iPhone in my pocket and grabbed it, turning to the medical ID page.

“Is your name Begonia?” I nodded, though the name sounded foreign on my ears. I liked the way Alice said it though, she had a light Spanish accent and a matronly tone that made me feel safe. I wondered if she had kids of her own; she looked young, but my own mother had me at 19 so who could say? She told me her name after complimenting mine. “Begonia is a beautiful name; I love the flowers. I’m Alice, okay? We’re gonna make sure you’re alright and take you to the hospital.” Her voice was sweet like syrup and I became sleepy as she spoke.

“No honey, you can’t fall asleep yet. Just stay awake a little bit longer and I promise you they’ll let you sleep at the hospital.”

I don’t remember anything of the rest of the ride to the hospital. I was dropped off at the Emergency Room at the Regional, head still too foggy to allow me to recall anything before I was sitting in a white bed, in a white room, with white sheets and a light blue hospital gown on. It was morning and my father was sitting at the end of my bed in an uncomfortable plastic chair, his eyes bloodshot and moist. He’d very obviously been crying for a long time and my chest panged with guilt. I reached up to feel my head and realized there was a cast on my wrist. With my other hand I touched the cotton that covered my forehead, wincing when I felt the sting of what had to be stitches in a nasty gash. I would spend the next 5 years of my life with a variety of diverse haircuts that attempted to hide the ugly scar that served as a reminder of the worst night of my life. Even now it is still extremely obvious, but I can’t be bothered to try and hide it, I so rarely look in the mirror that it wouldn’t matter if my skin turned blue.

My dad hadn’t looked up, so I attempted to gain his attention but once again found my voice failing me. I tapped on the bed a few times before he seemed to realize and face me.

“Nia… how are you feeling?” His voice was raspy and thin. He reeked of cigarettes and stale coffee, though this wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. I remained silent as he looked at me, searching my face for something I'm not sure he found.

“Nia, I, I'm not sure how to say this to you.” Here it comes. Almost worse than watching my brother die, the confirmation. “Ray, he’s, well dead.” I saw my father’s eyes begin to tear up again as I stared straight ahead. I couldn’t feel the sobs that racked my body, nor the hot tears streaming from my eyes. I saw my dad start to move closer but sit back down when I flinched. Of course, I knew my brother was dead; I had front row seats to watching the event happen, but somehow I still didn’t believe it until the words left my father’s mouth. According to my dad, who many years later described to me how eery the whole event was, my sobs were completely silent, and I was entirely unaware of everything happening around me. This dissociation lasted the first few days after the accident, and the entirety of my hospital stay. Leaving the blissful gap in my memory I have now.

Barb told me this was my mind’s way of coping with the tragedy and stress of what happened. I was honestly just happy I had an excuse to skip some of the dreadful retelling she forced upon me.

❈

The funeral was of course a depressing and solemn event. I was still yet to speak and found myself thankful for the way people gave up on trying to get me to communicate. I dressed in a black skirt with a black short sleeved button up. A dark coat thrown around my shoulders as the cast on my right hand was too big to fit through the sleeve. I looked terrible, barely a week out of hospital before I watched Ray sink into the ground. The wound on my forehead was still quite nasty, though it looked better than it did before. I tried to cover it up with my hair but was unsuccessful. I got bangs soon after.

The matter was very traditional, taking place in a church even though none of our family was really religious. It was only the second time I'd ever been in a church, the first having been for my cousin Julie’s wedding when I was four years old. I don’t remember anything of it aside from the material of my dress itching at my neck and making me rather miserable. Of course, not nearly as miserable as I was the day of the funeral, sitting in a pew at the front of the church, listening to a priest claiming Ray would’ve wanted us to celebrate his life. I knew this not to be true; Ray was extremely dramatic and would’ve cherished the thought of everyone he’d ever spoken to moping around for weeks after his death, beside themselves with grief. He sometimes referred to himself as “Romeo” after having been broken up with by another girl he was supposedly in love with, stating he better just stab himself in the heart now if he couldn’t have her. On the rare occasion he broke up with a girlfriend, he’d lounge around, eating ice cream, pretending to not be upset and comparing his cold heart to that of Richard VIII. The concept of him being any different over his death was almost comical; Ray was nothing if not predictable.

I sat beside my father, who sat beside my mother (it was an extremely awkward arrangement that neither I nor my father cared for) and seemed to have the idea that I could evaporate if I thought hard enough about it. Unfortunately, I did not evaporate, or even come close to it, instead finding myself exactly where I'd been the whole time. I mostly tuned out the service, only really paying attention when my father and Ray’s best friend, Jake spoke. I managed to escape the duty of having to speak that day thanks to my fragile mental state and mutism. Though I'm sure I would’ve been forced all the same if I had been able to talk in any capacity, regardless of where my head was at.

Faun was sitting in the pew behind me, feeling quite guilty about the whole ordeal. Or friendship dissolved soon after, I think she blamed herself for taking me to the party. It didn’t bother me too much though; we were never the closest and I sometimes thought her to be extremely annoying. An endless stream of shitty boyfriends that she only acquired so she could further repress her sexuality. When we were 14 we kissed at a sleepover and she admitted she was in love with me. I felt bad for not returning the feeling and our relationship had been on rocky territory ever since. I don’t understand how she thought she was in love with me since she barely knew anything about me, but either way she never brought it up again and soon after the monsoon of boytoys had begun.

My brother’s friends and ex-girlfriends also attended the event. I didn’t approach any of them, far too scared they’d blame me for the death of their friend. One of them, Alex, went up to me to say how sorry he was about everything that happened. He was crying quite heavily (I later found out he was the friend Ray had been drinking with and the second last person to see him alive) and I could smell alcohol on his breath. I stood there while he spoke, telling me about how great my brother was as if I was wholly unaware. Body waving side to side as he stood with his hand on the wall beside me. He offered me some bronze liquid in a flask, and I obliged, savouring the burning sensation that followed in my throat. Alex’s voice was steady and deep, reminding me of my father’s. I’m not sure how long we stood there, him spinning a fantastic web of anecdotes and stories about my brother, some entirely new to my ears. We passed the beverage back and fourth until it was empty. My head felt lighter and heavier somehow simultaneously, and I found it much easier to listen to Alex talk. Later he tried to kiss me in my bedroom during the wake. His mouth was sour, and his tongue seemed too big for his mouth. I wondered how he was able to talk so much without it getting in the way.

We moved in procession to the cemetery after the service. The grass was a vibrant green colour, and I didn’t understand how the world kept turning after Ray’s death, for mine stopped the moment his heart failed to beat. The sky was a lovely shade of cyan-blue, with clouds so perfect they seemed animated. Pink carnations were planted near the outskirts of the yard and I could smell spring in the air; a heavy, floral aroma that never failed to comfort me. I thought it should be raining, it felt inappropriate that the weather refused to match my despair. My mind wandered as we approached the empty grave and I considered what it would be like if Ray was here beside me. He’d probably be making jokes, telling me to lighten up for a minute or my face would get stuck that way. He’d mock my silence, saying how I never managed to shut up for a minute before but suddenly I'm as proper as a nun. I'd smile, ruffling his hair to piss him off and try to refrain from laughing aloud. The absence of him only felt stronger as I imagined this scenario, so I shoved it out of my head.

The casket was lowered into the ground, my father was a pallbearer and I often think about how he must’ve felt carrying his son’s body before watching him being buried. My mother sobbed loudly which annoyed me, it felt a bit exaggerated. I had a few tears falling from my eyes but mostly, I just felt numb. Incredibly and absolutely empty inside. To onlookers it may have seemed as though we weren’t very close, my reaction being similar to that of his ex-girlfriends’. However, this didn’t account for the loss of my voice, or the broken state I was in mentally. Maybe it was better that my reaction was rather dulled. It meant people didn’t feel the need to approach me as they did my mother. Less concerned given she was the one playing up her emotions to the point of embarrassment. My father cried, more than I but far less than my mother. He didn’t cry very often – I'd actually only seen it once prior to the whole event – and I figured he probably needed it. At this point I felt as though I'd shed enough tears to last a lifetime so Ray wouldn’t mind if I was a bit subdued in comparison. He never was a crier anyways.

As I sprinkled soil onto his casket I imagined he was right beside me, watching, ready to criticize as usual. The dirt stained my hand, clutching the sweat and turning my skin a muddy brown colour. As I wiped the dirt on my jacket I could hear him nagging about how I better go wash my hands, what was I, a six-year-old? He was in denial about me growing up and took every chance to remind me I was still just a kid. Not that he had much on me, but I enjoyed it. I never was one to shy away from attention; at least not before. Little quirks and inside jokes between us were always some of my favourite things, the type of humour you could only get from living with someone your whole life. No matter how much his memory will fade there are some things I can’t let myself forget. His mocking tone when he’d make fun of me is one of those things. If I ever managed to let go of that sound then I must be dead as well.

The sun beat down on my back, my skin burning in my black clothes. I wasn’t sweating yet, but most of the men around were – suit jackets aren’t exactly known for their breathability. My nose was dry and aching red, sore from how much I'd been wiping it the last couple days. Still the sweet seeping tinge of flowers and spring managed to crawl into my nose, settling underneath my skin, the buzzing from before had returned, I could feel my heartbeat loudly in my throat and had the desperate urge to just run. Instead, I just followed the rest of the party, sitting down in the passenger seat of my dad’s car. The silence that settled over us was uncomfortable and stale. He turned on the radio, Led Zeppelin filled the air around us, thankfully relieving some of the tension. I felt in my left pocket for one of the carnations I’d picked from a nearby grave earlier. The flower had begun to wilt, heat taking effect on its delicate composition. When I got home I put it in between the pages of my oldest copy of Romeo and Juliet. Ray would have found it funny if he was around to see.

The drive to my mother’s house was short and minimally awkward. We sat in silence – aside from the music – only because there was no alternative. My hand remained clutched around the dying flower in my pocket as we left the car and entered the home. Other people had already arrived, clustered in the living room, picking at tiny ham sandwiches and various desserts my mother had undoubtedly stress-baked the day before. I wasn’t hungry so I sat as far away from the food and people as humanely possible while staying in the living room, not wishing to hear my mother’s scolding about how I need to socialize more. Eventually I managed to slip away into my old bedroom, where Alex was sitting on my bed drinking a mickey of Smirnoff I assumed he swiped from my mother’s freezer. He offered it to me, and I accepted, the weird repetitive déjà vu like act, mirroring earlier and making the whole day feel like somewhat of a dream.

When I went over this part with Barb she always felt the need to emphasize that it wasn’t a dream. I knew this, obviously, which I told her every time, but she was inclined to disbelief when it came to my denial over my brother’s death. “Begonia, you must realize he’s gone. Dwelling is helping nobody, especially not you. This isn’t a healthy mindset for you to have. Always comparing living to your dreams. I want you to tell me you understand this isn’t just some dream you can wake up from.” The first time she said that to me I was thrust into a bout of wordlessness, as it struck a bit too close to home. The next time she brought it up I just told her of course, though even now I still cannot say I fully understand. How can I when all of my assumptions have been constantly disproven time and time again. How can I ever say this isn’t a dream when I'm not even sure I'm real? James always tries to reassure me, “Bee, I'm telling you, if you can feel this beat, the pulse in your wrist, your neck, your chest, you are alive,” he’ll say while pressing my hand to my wrist, but we both know it isn’t that simple.

Me and Alex made out for a few minutes until I managed to excuse myself. He was a bad kisser and tasted disgusting. I left him sitting on my old bed while I went downstairs to find my dad. He was sitting at the counter with a can of root beer, blank expression sat upon his face. When his eyes met mine he sighed, grabbing his keys out of his pocket. It was obvious neither of us wanted to be here, for numerous reasons, so we left. And if the radio stayed off as we drove home we didn’t acknowledge the silence that time. In my hand was the crumpled carnation, and for some reason it made my chest hurt. A deep ache of dread. I could feel my heartbeat, hear it over the drum of the car engine, and I crushed the flower further. I was careful not to rip it though, as if that was crossing some kind of invisible line my mind had set for me. My fingers felt waxy when I finally let go.

Back home, I opened the copy of Romeo and Juliet. I retrieved the deteriorating plant from my pocket and placed it in the center. Closing the book, I stacked it under a few dictionaries, a magazine under it so it was trapped on either side. I sat down in front of it and cried. Not the huge gasping sobs my mother seemed to fancy, nor the quiet weeping of my father. No, I cried the tears of a child who just found out their grandparents died, the soft uncomprehending grief that overcame them as they first learned what death really meant. How long forever was. My legs pulled up to my chest, hands loosely hung around knees, unable to clasp together because of my cast. I closed my eyes and I swear I could hear the sound of Ray sighing behind me, but when I opened my eyes I was alone. I went to bed, earlier than I ever had in my life, still believing it was a dream and I'd wake up like Alice after her adventures in Wonderland. But when I awoke, I was met with the slow, oozing perdure of my reality. The one which I could not wake up from, and the one where my brother was dead.

#my writing #writing #original writing #original content #original fiction #creative writing #dark academia #tw death #tw drugs #tw mentions of sex #tw swearing #tw mental illness #tw medication #alo writes

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guardmesherlock-rowan · 4 years

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So Enola Holmes... is... alright.

I definitely think I set myself up for disappointment by reading the first book however. Then again it wouldn’t be the first time a movie adaptation failed to live up to my expectations, and it didn’t wander off from the novel as much as other movies have (that I still haven’t forgiven).

This will contain some spoilers, and I’m still not sure if all my mental ducks are in a row. And if anyone who has read the rest of the books can explain some of the additions to the movie please do!

Rant below.

When it came time to watch the movie I thought I would make notes while I was watching it, stayed up till it released at 2am my time, got some popcorn and prepared. Though I honestly felt like I was not prepared for a nearly 2 hour movie. The set up for her family dynamic was off from the get go. Book wise, the issue was that her mother gave birth to Enola so late in her life that to others it was a scandal like how could this woman avoid having a child for so many years between Sherlock and Enola. The way the movie presents it, it’s no different than me not knowing my youngest sibling well because I went off to college when he was 4. It’s presented in the movie as the boys got busy in their own lives and never visited, and Mycroft had put an time limit over his mother’s head that she could live there until Enola became 16. To make him look like an even bigger jerk. In the book this was presented as an unfairness that Mycroft took ownership of the home after their father died due to being a male heir, but that he was still leaving the care of it to his mother. There was no threat of possible homelessness after a while.

Adding this detail where the guys simply moved on with their lives, and removal of this potential scandal, removed the fact that Enola’s mother told the guys not to come around. Which showed her mother plotting this escape for a long while, and now just shows how if the brothers had just spent more time with their family they would’ve realized what was happening. Also making it their fault they don’t have a relationship with Enola, and not her mother’s.

In the book Enola’s mom:

Left Enola alone to teach herself.

Left Enola alone most days so she could wander (she would bond over art)

Told Enola she was fine Alone, which can be a form of gas lighting when you combine the mother’s absentee behavior to the fact that

She told the boys not to come visit, creating a wall between her children

It’s highly understandable, being the only family Enola’s known, that it would be important to find her mother. But also why it wasn’t a big leap for Enola to start living on her own with the time came.

The only connection Enola had with her brother was through the articles about his cases. Which makes the cute scene with Lestrade later in the movie where they compare knowledge of Sherlock Holmes very odd. Adorable, but odd. Though Lestrade in this also has me a little ruffled with his henchmen like behavior later when he breaks down a door on a mission for Mycroft.

Mycroft deserved better, but at least he got to act like a shady government big brother character, it was entertaining.

They made comments about how Sherlock and Enola are more gifted than him. They also made comments about he was a jerk and cruel to Enola and their mom with what he said about them staying until Enola was 16. And I have a feeling they put in the finish school scenes so she could have the blow out with Mycroft as he brought her there. Which would of course also include a space where Enola could be semi-rescued by her now love interest, and give reasoning to Mycroft later washing his hands of her, despite his adamant belief that he is responsible for her.

Of course Mycroft’s reaction, Enola’s mother’s change of focus, and the new family dynamic set up for another change in Sherlock Holmes. Now we have the middle child who was not as cruel as his brother, but was still at fault for not visiting. But he remembered some things about Enola from the time they lived together that he would bring up to show he cared. Would even be used as ammunition against her mom in their last scene together. (though it is a fair not to be distracted by the far past kind of shut down instead of an accusation that her mother didn’t care)

Instead of being on the opposition of Enola, he seemed to be on her side. Even in the last moment where he tried to trick her into coming to see him, it didn’t seem completely malicious. He appeared to be proud of her when she beat him to solving the mystery, though he had not been active on it where she had been because he was busy trying to find her. Not because she was curious and got herself involved, but because the guy was stowing away in her cabin and got her involved. It was definitely her choice to step into it, but she had already turned away once before so she would meet her train.

This love interest character is not my favorite. In the book we have a kid who had some romanticized notions of seafaring and had his mistaken beliefs squashed by reality, hard. He became determined to go home and actually talk it out with his mom how she was babying him. Now we have a guy who is about Enola’s age (16, which was 14 in the books), who is knowledgeable in wild plants, willing to be adventurous, and even a little wild with Enola. Even changing it up where his interest in being a sailor was a cover to send people in the wrong direction of the fact he would want to work with flowers.

This all leads into the new piece of the Enola story. The mystery. Instead of a child running away, attempted kidnapping and ransoming, we have one murder and one attempted murder. Which also ties into the big political part of the movie regarding voting. It is revealed that there is a domestic terroristic plot due to not everyone having the right to vote (not said outright but hinted that this about giving women the right to vote). It would be voted upon by the lords later.

~~Politics~~

Which leads to a bit that gets me a touch upset. There were a lot of ties between protests and this bomb making lab that were not said, just indicated with flyers and other signs. Enola is later confronted about how they don’t have to set off the bomb because they thought they would have to make noise to be heard -rewatching that ending scene right now to make sure I remember it-

“You have to make some noise if you want to be heard. Oh, it’s funny. I thought I was the one that was going to change the world. The reform bill, is it true what you did?”

This part got me so angry. What Enola did was save her love interest who just happened to have a seat of power in which he could vote and help sway it in their favor with his one vote. In a certain light it felt like they were saying that believing in those with the power to change will change is better than protesting. The line is not wrong, but it felt like they were putting the bombs on the same stage as protests, which they are not.

It feels like they used the political aspect to help propel a more compelling mystery, which was definitely better suited for the big screen than the earnest story in the book. However, I can’t help but feel that it was muddled and poorly done. The fact they used politics doesn’t bother me as much as how they used it. Politics is used in stories all the time. Law making, what is just, what isn’t. Driving to the grocery store and what I see there, who I see there. It affects day to day life. However, if they want to focus on the element of protesting versus voting for change there is a debate there that I have feelings on, but not in a position to debate it.

Though it was very odd that they would want to talk about politics in the time frame and not show them as much in the movie as they did in the book. Keeping politics effects on life at arms length enough to use political shouting and protests without the more compare and contrast which THEY COULD’VE done with the love interest if they felt more inclined. But while the book version of him actually seems to have learned more about the outside world, this one just came in mint woke condition and only needed saving from the murderer and some mild convincing to go back and vote because they didn’t want him to.

~~Less Politics~~

Which also brings in the humorous political and societal norm that was ignored in the movie but brought up in the book. Women’s clothing. Enola’s mother uses it as a mean to hide her essentials while running away, and Enola does the same. She also does a good many things while dressed up as a woman, not bribing men to change clothes with her as often. The clothes that Enola once had despised at the beginning of the book she would grow to appreciate, especially the corset whose ribbing protected her from death with a knife caught on it. Honestly same though, it’s funny when a piece of sturdy material you’re wearing saves your life and stops a blade (personal experience, mine was metal).

It felt like a dishonor to change that thought process, especially when Book Enola also didn’t disguise herself as a guy because she thought it would be too obvious. Where as a lady, or a nun, or a widow would make better disguises when they only see a child when they look at her and presume she doesn’t care for womanly attire.

It is probably better to go book to movie in this case. You get a different story that is more exciting for the screen. Whereas going movie to book might be disappointing without the literature equivalent of jumping from a moving train..

The book was a fun read, Enola was a strong young woman who definitely feels like she is a Holmes without having to subject herself to them.

The movie is exciting, with a fractured family feeling with some political commentary.

Each of the pieces have their own positive traits and negative traits. I can see why certain changes were made. Though I may not agree with them.

#not gms related #enola holmes #rant #long post

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cerberus253 · 3 years

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Mind going into detail about Drago's toxic/maybe abusive qualities from him growing up around his family and other demons?

I’m not sure if I’ll answer this properly, but here it goes...

Growing up around his father, and most likely lack of mother, he had poor guidance and doesn’t know how to properly express his feelings. The only guidance Drago was ever given was to “take over the world, no matter the cost; you must come out on top above all else or you’re useless.“ Because of this, he would have gained the tendencies to be controlling, egotistical, malicious, apathetic, and racist. With the lack of mother, not only are these qualities even more so, he would also have difficulty in expressing any kind of sympathy for others, unless it’s mockingly. I’m not sure what exact environment he grew up in, but I’d like to believe he was “raised“ by his Dad for a little while in his young kid years. It has to be enough time for him to understand “his destiny,“ taught closed mindedness, and to always look up to his “perfect” Dad, but also time, when left, to learn a lot about the changing world on his own and to adapt with the times. Anyway, here comes some headcannons for the relationship of child Drago with his Dad!

Being born half human, he was a small baby bean, especially coming from his Dad, who is huge. This size difference might have already carved some prejudice into Shendu about his son, “This is so tiny! I asked for a warrior! A prince! Not this... pea bean!“

His power, compared to other demons, was probably lackluster, and thus he was disappointing to his Dad even more

Shendu was just loads of anger and disappointment because he didn’t get the “warrior prince“ he desired, and because of his demonic character, he probably expressed it a lot to baby Drago in various ways, leading to his self-hatred. I wouldn’t be against Shendu trying to get Drago to “do better,” but I don’t think it would have worked and only just did damage rather than repairment to their relationship

Me, introducing Drago: “Oh yeah, his Dad’s awful. Mentally, emotionally, verbally, wouldn’t-surprise-me-if physically abused him, that sort of stuff.“ - Drago: *right in the childhood*

I guess on the rare occasions IF Shendu wasn’t disappointed in him, he wouldn’t acknowledge it and just say, “Yeah you did that, but you should have done this“ or “This would have been better“

I honestly don’t believe Drago was around a lot of other demons, aside from his Dad and his sentient-but-not-sapient demon minions. He most likely was told and/or read up on his history and heritage, either being forced or out of curiosity

Despite all this abuse, I do not believe Drago would start smoking, doing drugs, and self-harm (cutting, whipping, etc) because it would inhibit his physical and mental performance. He would self-isolate and beat the shit out of innocent people, though.

Legit I don’t think Drago and his aunts and uncles have ever seen each other, Drago would have totally learned about them, but they have no idea he exists. Well, until he was trapped in the Netherworld with his Dad. - The Family: “Uh, who is that with all our demon chi??“ - Shendu: “My traitorous son who stabbed me in the back. TWICE“ - The Family: “What the fuck, you have a son?! How did that happen? Why does he smell like a hu-- no. Brother, we knew you were were pathetic, but having an offspring with a human is a new low. This is disgusting and we will NOT have this mistake live in our name, let alone house our chi; KILL IT!“

Fast forwarding through the future years, it wouldn’t surprise me that Drago was despised and hunted by humans for what he was and what he was “raised“ to do, which then lead his hatred for humans to go past the cultural difference to the personal. Maybe as he grew older he got teams of henchmen (before his debut episode) to work under him, but it was commanded out of fear and zero out of “I think this guy is alright; let’s all rule the world together, Drago sir!“ So, basically his entire life was all ‘you’re a disappointment‘ and ‘we hate you,‘ never, not even once, touching on who he is as a person and only judging on what he is and his surface-level actions.

Anyway, we already know a bunch of his toxic/abusive qualities: Controlling, malicious, and greedy, to name the overall big ones. Each of these can go back to somewhere in his childhood (or more like his childhood can lead back to these qualities, since we actually don’t know about his past and can only infer from what he gives us). He was abused for what he was, his needs were never attended, and the world acted (to him) like it was against him and would never be in his favor. So, grab what you can, hurt who you can to get it. Yeah there may be consequences, but the world never liked him anyways, so what is there to lose? Him against the world. Nobody cared, nobody will try, I’m 14 and this is deep. Being in any relationship, if he even gets a whiff of feeling abandoned or like he disappointed someone, he gets pissed and blames everyone around him for what’s happening; HE’S the perfect one, everyone else is imperfect.

Appearance appearance appearance is all he is concerned with, whether it’d be looking tough or acting tough; no soft, mushy feelings here, folks! Only anger and murder on the mind! However, no matter how hard he tries, those feelings he tries to bury deep within him (sorrow, loneliness, needing to be loved) are only going to pulsate and scream to be exposed. Releasing them or keeping them a secret, they will always “taint“ his mask no matter what he does in attempt to prevent their escape. He is human, after all, and humans are emotional beings that yearn to be loved, not from their title or what they can give, but for who they are as an individual. People and demons only care about what he can do, never how he’s feeling within his heart.

Any sign of tender kindness from him would define him as worthless and unneeded in this world, so he must resist. He must resist enjoying hugs and kisses, for it softens him up for this cruel world to pound him into despair. He must resist having friends and lovers, for they will only hold him back and use him for their wants. He must resist expressing forgiveness and that people make mistakes, for he will be taken advantage of for giving second chances. He must resist being human, for being human is the enemy and must be buried into submission.

This answer came off more about childhood past trauma, but I feel like that would have been better than just typing those last few paragraphs.

#ask #anon #jackie chan adventures #jca #drago #childhood #toxic personality #abusive qualities

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nerianasims · 3 years

Text

Billboard #1s 1979

Under the cut.

I discuss Michael Jackson’s life and actions a little bit underneath here. So be warned if that’s something that will upset you.

The Bee Gees -- "Too Much Heaven" -- January 6, 1979

Uugh. When The Bee Gees weren't releasing bad, bloodless, falsetto disco, they were releasing bad, bloodless, falsetto lite "rock." Also the lyrics are about how love is soooo hard to get, so they're special since they have love, and yuck. Nonsense and glop.

Rod Stewart -- "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy" -- February 10, 1979

I laughed out loud when I saw this next on the list. People can't have taken it seriously in 1979, right? It was seen like "I'm Too Sexy", yes? Even though Rod Stewart was a "serious" singer -- come on, this is a ridiculous song. It isn't about the narrator; it's about two people meeting on a dance floor and then going to have what's probably a one-night stand. But when Rod Stewart sings the chorus, it sounds like it's about him. It's a highly unsexy and very silly song.

Gloria Gaynor -- "I Will Survive" -- March 10, 1979

The joy I feel listening to this song. It's the best disco song. The bright piano flourish opens to Gaynor's amazing voice and phenomenal singing ability. She sells her anger at the guy who's "back to bother" her, along with the assertion that she's now totally confident and is gonna do great without him, will all her life to live and all her love to give. The lyrics are great, which is incredibly rare for any dance song. The music is great. And Gaynor is perfect. You can belt it in the car and it drives people to the dance floor. Just an amazing, incredible song.

The Bee Gees -- "Tragedy" -- March 24, 1979

The real tragedy is that The Bee Gees shat up disco. What could it have been if not for their influence? There were disco singers and groups who escaped it, but Barry Gibb and Friends' clogging of the charts kept out so many worthy acts. Lots of synth on this song, and synth can be really cool (I'm a diehard fan of The Alan Parsons Project), but the Bee Gees made it boring and turgid. Then that damned falsetto. I don't care about the lyrics, I just want to not hear the Bee Gees again ever.

The Doobie Brothers -- "What A Fool Believes" -- April 14, 1979

The guy the song is about thinks he's going to get an ex back because she was nice when he met her again. He's a fool, and "no wise man has the power to reason away." The music's good, too, a sort of mild rock. "Yacht rock" I suppose. The sentiment is kinda country music though. Good song, anyway.

Amii Stewart -- "Knock on Wood" -- April 21, 1979

What is that in the background? A synth sound, obviously, but it sounds like -- a washboard? I have no idea, but it's annoying. This is a cover of an older soul song by Eddie Floyd that's pretty good, but they wreck it here. The amount of gunk clogging it up is painful. Also Amii Stewart doesn't modulate at all, her voice is a constant blare. Headache-inducing.

Blondie -- "Heart of Glass" -- April 28, 1979

The 80s are coming. Blondie does interesting things with synth here, the beat's irresistible, Debbie Harry's voice is unique, and the lyrics are about an ended relationship that was "a pain in the ass." Not some huge broken-hearted thing, despite the "heart of glass" lyric. Just... done, that didn't work, moving on. Not that the lyrics particularly matter here. It's all about the interesting, different-sounding music.

Peaches & Herb -- "Reunited" -- May 5, 1979

If synth can sound more synthetic than usual, that's how this song begins. It's about a couple getting back together, but it doesn't sound like they were ever in a lot of pain or that they're really excited now. There's some neat guitar stuff. It could be worse. But mostly it's bland.

Donna Summer -- "Hot Stuff" -- June 2, 1979

It's a disco song, but with a lot more rock in it than disco usually has. Maybe that's why it's survived so much better than most disco. The narrator wants one of her lovers (of whom she obviously has many) to answer the phone so that she can get laid. It's the ballad of Romance Sims. It's fun.

Bee Gees -- "Love You Inside Out" -- June 9, 1979

Well, ew. This guy's whining that the woman he loves has too many lovers but he's the one who will "love you inside out," whatever the hell that means. It sounds like a serial killer. She needs to dump him, and also probably move and change her name. And, of course, there's Barry Gibb's horrible orchestration and falsetto.

Anita Ward -- "Ring My Bell" -- June 30, 1979

Disco, of course. He's been gone for a while and she's singing to him "you can ring my bell." So, they're gonna celebrate his homecoming with lots of sex. The lines "You can ring my bell, ring my bell/ (Ring my bell/ ding-dong-ding)" repeat a couple hundred times. The background synth sounds are painfully repetitive. Like something on The Prisoner used to brainwash people. And Anita Ward sings in a Betty Boop-ish sort of childish voice that I also find annoying. It's not Bee Gees bad, but it's bad.

Donna Summer -- "Bad Girls" -- July 14, 1979

"Bad girls" are not the same as "sad girls." Sorry, this song might be fine or even good, but that one line has always bugged me way too much. So does the police whistle.

Chic -- "Good Times" -- August 18, 1979

Disco about how "happy days are here again" for now. The lyrics are obviously pretty shallow, but at least there is a line about how it won't last forever. That's not my problem anyway. My problem is that the chorus bores me, musically. Like, it hurts. There are two notes I think? And the beat is the same throughout. I always sort of ignored this song before, but on actively trying to listen to it, I have started to hate it. It doesn't interact well with my brain chemistry.

The Knack -- "My Sharona" -- August 25, 1979

This became a hit again when Reality Bites came out. So I danced in a convenience store to it my freshman year of college. We were "of the younger kind" then, considering I was 17. That made me like the song better -- it was about me! Rock isn't supposed to be clean, and you're really not supposed to take it as advice. The riff is amazing, and I love this song.

Robert John -- "Sad Eyes" -- October 6, 1979

I've never heard this song before. The music box sounding intro lasts a while and lulls you into complacency before the horrible falsetto kicks in. Not only extremely 70s white man falsetto, but an entitled brat of a man breaking up with a woman and being put out that she's looking at him with "sad eyes." Incredibly bad in an incredibly 70s way. I can see why I've never heard this song before. It's absolutely terrible.

Michael Jackson -- "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" -- October 13, 1979

Sigh. All right, now that he's an adult, gotta tackle Michael Jackson. He was a rampant and, as far as we know, unrepentant child molester. He destroyed people in the most personal way possible short of actual murder. (Phil Spector is still worse.) He was murdered through at least extreme malpractice by his doctor. He was forced into stardom as a child himself. And he was a huge, massive, incredibly gigantic star, even after he became a punchline. I was never a big fan, but like most children of the 80s, I loved some of his songs and spent a lot of time doing the moonwalk, or as close as I could get. I feel an immense amount of pity for him, along with utterly despising him, along with admiring his talent, along with being sickened by the fact that Hollywood and the music industry knew and no one did anything about what he was doing. All in all, I end up at this place: Child stardom must end.

Okay, now for the music. This song takes forever to actually start. Also I have actually never heard it before today. Probably because it's falsetto. Jackson's falsetto is obviously far superior to Barry Gibb's, but it's still falsetto the whole song. The riff is great once it starts, and everything about the music should be good -- but, falsetto. The whole time, as far as I can tell. I can't listen to all of it. Whose idea was it that falsetto should ever be anything other than an occasional few bars? Was it Frankie Valli? I'm gonna blame Frankie Valli.

Herb Alpert -- "Rise" -- October 20, 1979

It's a jazz-funk instrumental and it's pretty good. Piano, guitar, trumpet, some kind of glittering thing -- xylophone? Bells? The people laughing like it's a laid-back party are annoying, but not enough to wreck the song. If this doesn't play on every cruise ship ever, they're missing a trick.

M -- "Pop Music" -- November 3, 1979

I saw the title, and thought I didn't know the song. Then I heard the first bars of the song and went, "OH this one." It's New Wave. I love a lot of New Wave, but this one's on the purposefully shallow end, rather than the Eurythmics end. The lyrics are nonsense, but the beat is pretty irresistable. Which makes it a dance song, whatever its intent. One of the lines is, "Dance in the supermarket," so it probably was intended to be danced to. In any case, I find it pretty forgettable, but fine.

The Eagles -- "Heartache Tonight" -- November 10, 1979

I've heard this song before, but not often. I'm not sure if it's about sex before a breakup or about cheating. Don Henley does not have Elvis' voice, though he seems to be trying to reach that level. Real power is required for the chorus, and Henley lacks it. If this were sung by Freddie Mercury, we'd have something. Queen also would have brought more musical interest generally. But as-is, it doesn't work for me.

The Commodores' -- "Still" -- November 17, 1979

Lionel Richie was still the frontman/ writer for The Commodores here. Should I explore why I can't stand Lionel Richie's music? I'd have to listen to it more to fully understand. It always sounds totally insincere to me. The songs themselves are too slow. This one doesn't have a bassline. It's so polished and gloopy. And in this song, that pause between "I love you" and "still" is both highly predictable and entirely phony. I managed to listen to the entire song, and I rolled my eyes throughout, but especially at that last whispered "still." Oh he's just so sad puh-leaze. Crying his way to the bank.

Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer -- "No More Tears" -- November 24, 1979

I hate Barbra Streisand's singing and like Donna Summer's. I wish this were just Donna Summer. If it were, I'd probably like the song. It's slow for almost 2 minutes, then becomes disco. Streisand isn't able to do as much self-loving in a fast dance song, but it's still there. I tried to find a version with just Donna Summer and failed. So, I dunno, the fact that I can actually listen to the whole thing makes me think it's the most tolerable song with Barbra Streisand in existence. But it would have been so much better without her.

Styx -- "Babe" -- December 8, 1979

Styx was prog rock, but watered-down, simplified prog-rock. Lite prog rock, as weird as that is. But they still had that massive theatricality of prog rock, which I like, and they were great for places like Pine Knob. Outside of those massive arenas, they don't work for me. Dennis DeYoung, the writer and singer of this song, belts the whole way through. Yeah, he hits the notes, but he doesn't seem to realize you're supposed to sometimes modulate, even on a power ballad. Meh.

Rupert Holmes -- "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)" -- December 22, 1979

If you take this song seriously, you're likely to hate it. It ain't that deep. It's a goofy song about a goofy thing -- both he and his wife are bored and want to cheat, so they write personal ads, and lo, they answer each other's personals! Though how that happens when they're the blandest Reaganite yuppies ever, I'm not sure. Maybe it's because they're both full of themselves ("if you have half a brain.") I enjoy this song because it is catchy, silly, and totally non-serious. I do not like pina coladas, btw.

BEST OF 1979: "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. WORST OF 1979: "Love You Inside Out" by the Bee Gees

#billboard number ones

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keepthislovee · 4 years

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Here’s for the greatest 5 guys

Well, It’s been a long time since I used this blog, so much happened and I truly felt the need to take some time off.

But despise that today I would like to write something about 5 guys that truly changed my life almost 10 years ago, and who’ve been together for exactly 10 years today. (Despite the hiatus, I’ll always feel like you guys are together.)

First thing’s first I would like to say that I am so proud of how most of you never lost the track. I’m so glad that after all this time I can see the same light on your eyes, I can see that you still love what you do. But at the same time, I’m so sorry that you had to live crucial years under the light of paparazzis and the media, that must’ve been one of the hardest challenges ever.

Now, I would like to write something for each one of you.

First, Harry Styles:

- Harry, something about you made me click instantly. It was like I knew you for a long time and we had a connection where everytime that you were clearly happy I felt the same, and when you cried I wish I could hug you. But more than that, you keep inspiring me today. You keep inspiring me to keep me grounded. Your freedom keeps me creative. You inspire me even in my fashion. I’m a fashion designer, you know? And you are truly one of my muses. The world isn’t good, Harry, but you are a proof of God’s greatness here on earth (and I can tell you that I’m not that religious)

- Niall, little boy, how far you’ve come! Thank you so much for never giving up, thank you so much for this excepcional heart. I know how hard must’ve been the first 2 years but you proved everyone that they were all wrong. My favorite songs were written by you, you are truly one of the best song writters of our generation. Keep lighting up the world (it wasn’t planned to be a WMYB reference but it is lol), people like you are truly needeed.

- Louis, thank you so fucking much for always speaking up. You have always been the one to don’t care that much about the backlash that some things could cause, and that’s what we needed since most of the time each second of your days were being planned and scripted. You looked so insecure on your first audition, how you overcame all of that just shows how you were meant to do what you do now. I feel so sorry for all of your losts, I know what that feels like. I know what feels like to have a parent taken away from you. But I want you to remember that she will always be with you, singing over you, protecting you. She will be in your skin, like a tattoo, but the most beautiful one that you could ever have.

- Liam, oh dad direction, how things changed, right? You were 14 on your first audition, that little boy could ever imagine the crazy things that you have been through? For a couple of years you had that “responsible figure” on you, and I feel like some news disappointed some people, but I couldn’t be more glad. Thank you so much for not doing what people expect from you, but the opposite, keeping always so true to yourself! I hope that you can grow a little bit more everyday in confidence. You are amazing, Liam. An amazing person, an amazing father, an amazing singer. An amazing man.

And last, but not least:

- Zayn Malik, what could I say about you?

First, thank you so much for being almost the reason why I got to know of the most amazing person that I could get to know, Ash (for now only here, fuck covid-19). You are like my big brother, you know Zayn? You disappointed me in so many ways, but at the end of the day I think I could never stop loving you and having major respect for your story. I loved your smile and how pure it looked, things have changed but honestly I just hope that you can still have that pureness that you had on the first years of the band. You were the first one to leave, and that left our hearts with a hole, but I understand now. You were unhappy. Something about you changed. It was better like this. I just want you to know that besides that I will always remember you as the little boy from Bradford that smashed the world and was able to give his mum the house that he always said he would. I bought my mum a house too, you know? In May. I cried so much. Now I know how it feels like, Zayn. You are an amazing person, Z. And I just hope that you keep yourself surrounded by people who TRULY loves you. You need that.

With tears running down my face, I just want to say one more thing: I love you, guys.

Always will. One day I will tell my kids (I already tell my little 4yrs old sister) about the greatest band, the one who changed my life in too many aspects.

Thank you for this 10 fantastic years. Here’s for more ten.

#10 years of 1d #harry styles #liam payne #louis tomlinson #niall horan #zayn malik #me #so emotional #a letter that no one will ever read

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mageicalwishes · 4 years

Text

A Smashing Summer - Chapter 3

Read on AO3: here

Read the previous chapter (On Tumblr): here

Summary: “I’m egging your house for a dare, but you’re parent is a cop and now they’re yelling at me, so I told them you were my ex and you wronged me, and now you’re coming outside, so please just go along with this, I really don’t want to go to jail” AU When Simon Snow agreed to egg some posho’s house, he never thought he’d find himself here - The only thing standing between himself and a criminal charge, the word of a handsome stranger.

Chapter: 3/?

Words: 1,694

Simon

I slide down against the sofa, pulling my phone out of my pocket, with a smile.

ME (19:57): Hey, hey, hey, Bazaroo!

ME (19:57): I’m super glad you liked the scones! They’re my absolute faveee

ME (19:57): I’ll bring enough to share next time :)

ME (19:58): How are you today?

To my delight, my phone buzzes with a response, almost immediately.

BP (19:58): If you ever call me that again, I will block your number. I’m not even joking.

BP (19:58): And, I’m pretty good, thanks. Yourself?

ME (19:59): Aw :( Imma just have to keep trying different names till I find one you like, then :p

ME (19:59): I’m great! Had a pretty good day today :)

ME (20:00): Sorry I didn’t message earlier btw - It’s been a busy day! Me and the lads went into town and played some footie, and then I had to do some dumb history essay (Idk who told my history teacher she could set homework in the holidays, but I wanna fight them!)

ME (20:00): I fucking despise the Tudors. I mean, why the fuck would I care about socio-economic policies from like a million years ago! Grrrr!

BP (20:01): No worries, Snow. I understand.

BP (20:01): That is unfortunate - But, you got lucky with the Tudors, to be honest. I’d rather that, than the bloody Industrial Revolution. That is mind-numbingly dull!

BP (20:02): But, I hate to break it to you - If you think the Tudor dynasty was a million years ago, then maybe you should reconsider your subject choice. You’ll definitely fail the A-level, if that’s your level of understanding.

ME (20:03): Aha trueee. Sucks to be you :p

ME (20:03): And stfu!! I know it wasn’t actually a million years ago, you tosser! I was BEING dramatic - You should've realised, you know ALL about that, Mr. Roll-your-eyes-every-two-fucking-seconds.

BP (20:04): I’m unconvinced.

Stupidly, I scoff aloud - Drawing Nathan’s attention away from the television and over to me. He stands, trudging over, and plopping down onto the sofa besides me.

I groan, frustrated.

“What do you want?”

“Nothing. Nothing … Just wondering who you’re texting,” he drawls, the mocking amusement clear in his tone. “Got yourself a new girlfriend, or something?”

“No! I’m just talking to Penny,” I defend, my voice rising suspiciously. Fuck. I’m such a crap liar.

“You know, I know you’re lying, right?”

“Obviously,” I drone. “Just … Butt out of it, though, yeah? Please.”

“Alright, alright” he laughs, throwing his hands up in a mock surrender. “I’ll leave you be. But, if you wanna keep your little buddy a secret - I’d advise against laughing at their messages in the bloody common room, you divvy.”

“Noted,” I sigh, turning towards the door. “Don’t tell Josh though, yeah?”

“Sure, Simon. If that’s what you want, your secret is safe with me.”

“Cheers, mate.” I smile. “You’re the best.”

“I know, I know. I’m amazing. Just go and text them, you mug!”

I do (Obviously). Quickly jogging upstairs, and locking myself in the bathroom - Where I’m safely hidden from prying eyes. Laying myself down in the bathtub, I hammer out a reply, sending it off Baz immediately.

ME (20:13): Whatever, dickhead!!

ME (20:13): Also soz I didn’t answer. Nathan was being nosy lol.

ME (20:13): Anyway … You been up to much today?

Baz

Just as I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I won’t be receiving a response, my phone buzzes loudly against my bedside table - My chest swelling pathetically, as I reach out and grab it.

Typing out a response, I find myself smiling - Unbridled joy melting away my impassive neutrality.

ME (20:14): No worries, Snow. It’s not as though I’m just sitting here, desperately awaiting your every response. I do have a life outside of you, you know.

That's not exactly true ... But, he doesn’t need to know that.

ME (20:14): And, no, not really. I’ve mostly just been reading. I did try to teach Mordelia how to play chess, though - Which was fairly disastrous.

SS (20:15): Lol! Sounds good :)

SS (20:15): Who is Mordelia, though?

SS (20:15): Is that your girlfriend?

I stare at my phone, blankly - Trying to formulate a response.

ME (20:17): Seriously?

Barely a second after I've send it, my phone starts buzzing furiously - Message after message, pouring in.

SS (20:17): What?

SS (20:17): That’s a perfectly valid question!

SS (20:17): You haven’t mentioned anyone called Mordelia, I swear to God!

SS (20:18): I’d remember, for sure.

SS (20:18): It’s not exactly a common name

ME (20:19): I know that, Snow. I was referring to the girlfriend question!

ME (20:19): I thought that we had already established that, a girlfriend isn’t exactly on the cards for me - Given the whole fake ex-boyfriend situation.

SS (20:20): Bi people exist, you moron!

SS (20:20): I’m Bi. Lol.

SS (20:20): I didn’t wanna assume you were only into guys … Or that you were even really into them at all.

SS (20:21): You totally could’ve been Bi!

SS (20:21): Or straight! The whole ex-boyfriend thing was a lie, remember? - You could’ve just been a straight bro, pretending to be into dudes, to help me out.

SS (20:22): It aint a dumb question, really. So … Don’t be annoying!!

Oh. Okay.

Newly nervous, I begin typing out my response - Ensuring that I sound perfectly unphased.

ME (20:22): Christ, Snow! You seriously have to stop sending so many texts in a row. My phone is going to have a meltdown, if you keep it up.

Hesitating slightly, I continue.

ME (20:23): But, you’re right. Sorry. I didn’t mean to make it to sound as though Gay and Straight were the only options. I could’ve been Bi … Or Straight, I suppose. But, to clarify - I’m definitely not. I’m gay.

ME (20:24): I guess that - Where I’ve known since I was eleven, and I stopped trying to hide it a while ago now, I sort of forget that it isn’t immediately apparent to everybody else. Everyone in my Family knows. Everyone at College, too. So, I just, sort of, forget that I can still be perceived as anything other than what I actually am.

SS (20:26): Hush you! I like multiple texts!! It’s easier to keep my track of my thoughts, like that. If I try to put it all in one text, I forget what I wanna say.

SS (20:26): And dw about it, it’s chill! I know you didn’t mean it like that, I was just teasing :)

SS (20:27): I get what you mean tho. Coming out was so scary … But now I sort of forget that not everybody knows. I just like to assume they do lol. It’s stopped being such a big thing, now that I can just, like, relax about it.

Unsure of how to respond, I type out a simple …

ME (20:28): Yeah.

SS (20:28): Yeah :)

SS (20:28): Seriously, tho. Who is Mordelia? You never actually answered me lol.

ME (20:29): She’s my little sister.

SS (20:30): Oh lol! That’s crazy! I didn’t think you had a sibling.

SS (20:30): You don’t give off doting big brother vibes.

SS (20:31): More like … Spoiled only child, ones. LOL! :D

SS (20:31): Is she your only sibling?

Unable to help myself, I chuckle, quietly.

ME (20:32): Very funny, Snow. But I never said I was doting! I may be their brother, but I still have standards.

ME (20:33): And, no (Unfortunately). I have three more - Two sisters, and a brother. They’re my step-siblings technically, though. And they’re quite a bit younger than me. So, I was an only child for quite a long time.

SS (20:33): Cool!

SS (20:34): Do they all have stupidly posh names, too?

SS (20:34): And, do you like having siblings?

SS (20:35): I always wanted a brother, when I was little!

ME (20:36): Yes. Unfortunately, my family are incapable of picking normal names.

ME (20:37): And, yes. Most of the time, anyway. It’s nice to always have somebody to talk to - Or to play with (Although, I think I would’ve appreciated that more, if the age-gap wasn’t quite so wide). But, they do drive me up the wall, sometimes! Mordelia has taken to drawing all over my revision notes, recently - I’m sure you can imagine how I felt about that!

SS (20:40): Aw, yeah. That sounds nice!

SS (20:40): LMAO! THAT’S HILARIOUS! I feel bad for her tho … I’d hate to have your wrath turned on me! You'd probs make me cry lol.

ME (20:41): Yes, well. Despite what you think - My wrath was, evidently, not strong enough! She’s still bloody doing it!

SS (20:43): Aha lol! I like her! She sounds as stubborn as you.

————————————————————————————

A soft rap on the door, disturbs me from my conversation with Snow.

“Baz, Honey? Are you in there?” Daphne calls, her voice sweet and cautious.

“Yeah? You can open the door. It’s fine - I’m decent.”

“Okay,” she hums, pushing the door open slightly, and peeping her head in. “I just wanted to let you know that I'm about to start plating up dinner.”

“Alright,” I smile. “Thank you. I’ll be down in a minute.”

“Perfect. See you then,” she sings, turning and leaving the room.

Hastily, I rattle out a text to Snow.

ME (21:14): As much as I am enjoying this, I have to go now, Snow. Sorry.

SS (21:14): Aw :( How come?

ME (21:15): I’ve got to go and eat dinner.

SS (21:15): At nine ?!?

ME (21:16): Yes, Snow - At nine. I must compliment you on your time-telling abilities!

ME (21:16): My Father insists that we eat dinner together as a family, but he was working late tonight … So, nine P.M steak it is.

SS (21:17): Aw fuck! You have steak! I’m well jel :(((

SS (21:17): But, okay, no worries! Hope you enjoy your dinner.

SS (21:18): TTYL :D

ME (21:18): Will do! Talk to you later. Goodbye for now :)

#carry on #wayward son #snowbaz #snowbaz fic #simon snow #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch

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jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years

Text

Episode 17: Stranger Beside You

SPOILERS and thoughts ahead.

0:13 - How freaking creepy is this? She just pops up from the floor. Did Malcolm not see her there as he was approaching? Why didn’t he acknowledge her presence as he approached? ALSO - he’s excited about muffins? Does that mean muffins are one of the only foods he eats? I find this surprising. ALSO - last episode we learned that Malcolm can’t cook…why does he have a muffin tin? I know this is a dream but still.

0:45 - Ok. Story time. I watched this episode when it premiered. It was the first week I had moved home from university since the whole COVID-19 stuff. My younger brother (20) and my mom (45) who have never seen this show decided to watch it with me. Ugh. Our family dynamic is generally a lot of sarcasm and teasing. I’m the only one in the family interested in crime shows/whump. When Malcolm said “This is when the scary thing usually happens.” both of my family members started cackling like buffoons. For the next week my brother quoted that line to me. They both now tease me for loving this show so much…so that happened.

1:18 - This is kind of sweet. I don’t like Eve but I like seeing Malcolm this happy.

1:56 - This is such a good sibling conversation. Ainsley is setting Malcolm straight. I know Malcolm is right but honestly - Ainsley has a point. Malcolm has a tendency to accidentally sabotage his own relationships because he can’t trust people and he doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of love.

3:15 - Look at this. Just. Look. JT is happy to see Malcolm. They’re bantering like brothers. This relationship has blossomed and I’m so happy…also I google “sip and see” because I really wanted them to be fake. They sound ridiculous, but they’re real. IDK. I don’t have kids but it seems crazy to organize a big fancy party right after you give birth. Invite friends and family over - sure. Order a pizza and a cake. But hang out in something comfy and keep it casual. Maybe that’s just me. IDK.

3:42 - Malcolm’s projecting again. “Perfect can be an allusion.” Honestly. Is he even aware that he does this?! Also, is he projecting about his childhood or his relationship with Eve. Either way, I’m concerned for him….though I do like how happy he’s looking right now.

3:47 - hahaha OMG. “With the stiff!” Gil is so done.

4:30 - I thought this was interesting. 1) Do dead bodies actually do that? Compress? Huh. Cool. 2) I like the way that Edrisa and Malcolm are so totally absorbed in how cool/weird the cause of death was that neither of them notice Edrisa’s hand on Malcolm’s chest. 3) Gil pointing out Edrisa’s hand makes things a little awkward - but honestly I see it as a gentle warning. He knows that Edrisa is socially awkward. She’s not in trouble and he’s not mad. He’s just reminding her that stuff like that isn’t appropriate.

5:04 - Watching this after realizing that Tally is pregnant brings a whole new weight to all of JT’s comments. Every time he mentions babies, baby swag, moms - he looks either scared, stressed (because money), or excited. It’s freaking precious.

6:15 - “It’s a cloud of love. Nothing to be ashamed of.” Again. More proof that Malcolm is an A+ adult male. Who speaks like that?

7:05 - Do I need to be scared about Dani now too? I do not like the way that Martin says her name. Wait. Is Martin going to go after every person that takes Malcolm’s time away from visiting him? I can totally see it. Martin escaping - killing Gil for replacing him as Malcolm’s Dad. Killing Jessica for trying to keep Malcolm from him. Killing JT, Dani, and Edrisa for being his friends. Can’t decide if he’d kill Ainsley…

7:41 - HOW is this show so dark and yet so funny?!?!

8:20 - I know that Malcolm knows that Tally is pregnant…but after the pizza roll comment there’s no way Gil and Dani don’t suspect. Look at their faces!!! And the way JT looks down way too quickly. He’s clearly hiding something.

8:55 - Look at Gil’s face. He’s concerned and a little scared. I am too. What the hell does Malcolm mean by “Mom’s love me”?!?! Is this some weird sex thing?

9:05 - Dani is a queen. We stan. She is the friend Malcolm deserves. I especially love the fact that later we find out that she told JT about this conversation. As though she thought Malcolm needed “guy advice”.

10:00 - Yo. People like this shouldn’t be allowed to have children. Kids are not a fashion statement - they are human beings who need to be nurtured and loved.

11:10 - So, I don’t usually like it when Ainsley snoops around for a story and gets all determined - but this time I do.

12:00 - Does Ainsley really not understand that what she did was a total invasion of privacy?!? She doesn’t look sorry. At all. The fact that Ainsley actually talks to Eve about it is kind of awful too? Like it’s one thing to do a background check on someone - it’s another thing to talk to them, unprovoked, about what you found.

12:12 - Poor Jessica. She looks upset. Between her two “socially bizarre” children ( lol ) she really has a hard time making friends. Although…..I will admit. It’s a little weird that Jessica is making friends with a woman young enough to date her son.

12:32 - Soooo this means that Malcolm has an instagram account (at least a fake one for work anyways). I feel like Malcolm is one of the people who don’t have a personal instagram account. Because a) he has like 3 friends and b) he doesn’t strike me as the type of person to take pictures of food, people, events, or himself.

12:40 - So Malcolm’s sitting at that desk again…..forget about the gitb… I want to solve the desk mystery (and the mystery of JT’s name).

12:57 - Damn it JT! We were about to get a super awesome father/son moment. Ugh. When I said I wanted the writers to give JT more screen time I didn’t mean this.

13:13 - Aww…look at how proud Dani is of herself. Girl made a cool discovery and she’s proud/excited about it. <3

13:22 - ARE YOU KIDDING ME. We finally get a good look at the desk from the front. No name plate in view?!? UGH. This is killing me.

13:33 - hahaha look at these faces! JT looks confused/freaked out that Malcolm knows so much about babies feeding habits. Dani looks so annoyed that she’s been put on Malcolm babysitting duty again. I don’t blame her. Gil is always making her babysit Malcolm. JT never has to take a turn.

13:55 - The most annoying thing about this episode is that we never find out how Alessa cut her arm. It’s a weird place on your arm to get a cut and I’m curious about it.

14:35 - I respect Malcolm a LOT in this scene. He’s asking some tough (but necessary) questions. He’s calm, kind, and respectful. He’s not minimizing Alessa’s stress, her loss, or her devotion to her daughter.

16:30 - Soooo if Christine’s (ex) husband lives in Canada - does that mean he’s Canadian (or dual citizen)? Or does he just have a work permit? I’m curious about what that means for Christine’s citizen status. I find this odd though - even if Christine isn’t Canadian - if she was last seen in Canada and her husband reported her missing - the RCMP would’ve been looking for her. They NYPD would know that. Although - she is using a fake name. Huh. There’s a reason I’m not in law enforcement. People are too crafty. I’ll stick to math.

17:55 - Look how mad JT looks that Christine tried to abduct Nina….he’s going to be such an overprotective, good dad. <3

18:25 - This is a really cool moment. This scene is the first since 1x9 when JT and Malcolm have a heart-to-heart. JT also gives Malcolm some really good relationship advice. Damn. No wonder JT’s been married for 7 years. He gets it.

18:55 - I love how manic Malcolm looks and how concerned JT looks when Malcolm goes off on his little rant about being a suspicious person. I wonder if JT is wondering why Malcolm trusts Gil, Dani, Edrisa, and himself? They are, by all means, good things in Malcolm’s life. Is he suspicious of them?

19:25 - Does Martin know about Malcolm’s sensitive stomach? I’m really curious.

19:44 - This scene is awesome. Malcolm is sad, upset, a little anxious, and angry (at Martin) throughout the scene. Martin, even though he is a crazy serial killer, actually gives Malcolm some good relationship advice. I guess it makes sense. Martin could never have tricked Jessica into marrying him unless he acted like a perfect, good dude with good relationship skills.

20:04 - Martin actually believes he was a perfect father? Nope. I can’t. Any parent who genuinely believes that should have a psych eval. No one is perfect. Parents aren’t excluded from this rule.

20:56 - This is such a powerful moment. You can see how pleased Martin is because he got through the Malcolm. You can see how desperately Malcolm wants to love his father and how painfully aware Malcolm is of who his father is and how much he despises it. Malcolm shouldn’t have to remind himself to hate his father. No one should. Watching Malcolm grapple with that (through his facial expressions) is heart-wrenching. He actually looks close to tears for a moment. ALSO screw Martin for still trying to manipulate Malcolm into loving him.

22:10 - I’ll just say it. We’re all thinking it anyways. Malcolm’s soft voice when he’s confused is so freaking cute.

23:08 - Look at JT’s face during this scene. He just about had a freaking heart attack. I feel soooo bad for him. I can only imagine how bad he feels. Gil gave him one (1) job: protect the baby. JT’s probably thinking, “If I can’t even protect this stranger’s baby - how will I ever protect my baby? Will I be a bad father?” Someone give this man a hug for me.

23:25 - Look at the way JT touches the infant to make sure she’s real. That is a man who is on the verge of a panic attack.

24:00 - AND now JT is worrying about Tally’s health throughout her impending pregnancy. Good Lord. What a rollercoaster he’s on tonight.

25:25 - Concerned!Gil for the win! Gil hasn’t been around Malcolm much this episode. Yes - Malcolm is obviously upset right now, but it makes me wonder if Jessica and/or Ainsley have called Gil because they’re concerned about Malcolm right now. Did they call Gil and ask him to send Malcolm home?

26:25 - Look at that. Malcolm looks crushed. Not surprised just disappointed. He truly believes that he’s not worthy of love. Eve just confirmed it for him. I honestly don’t know how this dude will ever trust any romantic partner ever again. My heart is shattered.

26:43 - Look at how brave he’s being. He’s trying to mask his pain with a smile and a self-deprecating joke as usual. Problem is - his eyes look tortured and he’s trying to lie to the two women who know him best. They see through his mask and they’re concerned for him.

27:00 - Ainsley is such a strange character to me. Right now as she tells Malcolm about Eve, she is looking at Malcolm with dread, concern, and determination. In 1x7/1x10 she publicly embarrassed him and revealed his personal, private details with the world - without remorse. I know that Ainsley is really obsessed with the progression of her career. However, it shouldn’t blind her to the emotions of her big brother. Ainsley needs therapy.

27:08 - soooo Eve has a key to Malcolm’s place? After two(ish) weeks? For a dude who doesn’t trust easily this seems like a stretch. I’m choosing to believe that Malcolm left the door open when he saw Ainsley and Jessica.

27:15 - THIS is so important. Jessica’s “How could you?”. See her face? She’s devastated. The first female friend she’s had in probably 20 years just stabbed her in the back. To make matters worse, this woman also just broke the heart of Jessica’s very emotionally vulnerable son - thereby also breaking Jessica’s heart. Furthermore - Jessica is definitely already paying rent in the self-loathing hotel because she traumatized her children because she married a serial killer. NOW she’s also dealing with the guilt of knowing that she’s the one who brought Eve into Malcolm’s life. That look hurt or devastation on Jessica’s face which later transforms into rage and hatred is haunting. Props to Bellamy Young.

27:26 - This. Look at Malcolm’s face. Eve looks like she’s close to tears. Malcolm is looking at her with compassion. Yes - you can tell that Malcolm is devastated and hurt by Eve. However, he also clearly empathizes with her. Again. Malcolm. Bright. Is. An. A+. Dude. Fight me.

27:40 - Can we all just pause for a second and praise Tom Payne’s acting in this scene? He captured the raw emotion of a trauma induced panic attack perfectly. Look at how utterly broken Malcolm is. Hands shaking on his head. Tears in his eyes. Ragged breathing. Followed by a brief angry outburst which leads to more shaky, anxious breathing and eyes on the verge of tears. The end result is physical and emotional exhaustion.

27:45 - Ainsley looks shocked and a little scared by Malcolm’s outburst. Has she (HIS SISTER) never seen him have a panic attack? They grew up together. I refuse to believe it. Ainsley shouldn’t look shocked - she should look sad and resigned to it.

28:06 - This is heartbreaking. Malcolm genuinely thinks that there is something about him that makes him unlovable. I know he’s already in therapy - but they need to stop focusing on his trauma for a hot second and focus on his self-worth issues. I aM nOt OkAy.

28:22 - Can we all just take a minute to appreciate Dani Powell. She has been such a good friend to Malcolm. Probably the first true friend Malcolm’s had since he was 10 years old. Even in the midst of extreme emotional turmoil a work-related text from Dani makes Malcolm smile. Because Malcolm knows that Dani - a woman who isn’t related to him and has no obvious crush on him - doesn’t hate him. In fact - she likes him enough to be his friend. Right now that’s enough. That’s a big comfort to Malcolm.

28:36 - This is sheer panic on Jessica’s part. Check out those eyes. She just saw pure self-loathing and anger in her son’s eyes. She’s terrified for him. Maybe this look is reminding her of a look he got as a teenager when he became suicidal (it’s my headcanon that Malcolm had a period of active suicidal ideation as a teenager)?

28:40 - “I can’t solve this.” Is Malcolm referring to himself here? I mean - he clearly thinks that he is the problem; despite the fact that Eve came into his family’s life with the intention of getting information on his serial killing father. Ugh. His sad eyes and messy hair (that tends to indicate Malcolm is in severe emotional distress) is breaking my heart.

28:54 - Ok. So - who is this woman? How did Christine find her? Why did Christine go to her? It doesn’t look like a women’s shelter - it looks like a random lady’s residential home.

29:00 - Again. Let’s all praise Queen Dani. The bestest friend this dude has ever had. She just goes out and asks him what’s wrong. She’s concerned about him BECAUSE she knows he’s upset about something.

29:20 - I love that Malcolm is comfortable enough around Dani to be honest with her about the really hard stuff in his life. Look at how sad Malcolm looks here. Look at Dani’s reaction. She isn’t judging him or pitying him. She isn’t pushing him to talk. She’s just supporting him. She’s a little shocked, a lot upset on his behalf, but mostly she’s just concerned. She’s being a good friend and I love her for it.

29:36 - Lucas is a scum. Anyone who abuses a spouse, child, or family member has a special spot reserved in hell.

29:52 - Look at Dani as Christine tells her story. She’s sympathetic, respectful, and concerned. Either this isn’t the first time Dani’s been around a battered woman on the job or Dani has personal experience with abuse. Maybe a friend/family member was abused? Hell - maybe Dani had an abusive boyfriend or something?

30:20 - I really respect Malcolm in this scene. He knows that women who are fresh out of an abusive relationship (or still in one) with a male are weary of men. Usually, when Malcolm gets this type of information about a case he starts speaking quickly, loudly, and intensely. He starts gesturing a lot with his hands. IN THIS SCENE - Malcolm reigns himself in. He stays relatively calm and still as he speaks. He knows that his usual hand-gesturing and loud voice would terrify a woman who was just beaten by a man who was supposed to love her. This. Is. A. Good. Dude.

31:10 - Malcolm just shows Dani his cracked phone screen. I’m curious - does she ever ask about it? I’d like to hear that conversation.

33:05 - I LOVE THIS. Gil is terrified for a) Malcolm but b) Alessa and Nina too. This is a side of Gil I’d like to see more often. ALSO notice that the second that JT realizes that Gil is suffering from a parental panic attack he floors it. JT is going to be a good Dad. <3 He knows how to love and he has a big heart. That’s the most important thing.

34:34 - Again. Malcolm is currently displaying empathy and sympathy for a murderer. This dude has the biggest heart in the world.

35:45 - Alessa is a badass. Nina is a lucky little girl.

36:04 - I love this scene. Gil looks so relieved that Malcolm is in one (mostly unharmed) piece. He’s so proud of Malcolm for keeping Alessa and Nina safe. I’m certain that Jessica and/or Ainsley called Gil about Malcolm’s panic attack which exacerbated Gil’s worry over Malcolm.

37:07 - THE SCENE. The scene. This scene is easily my favourite of the episode. I love watching JT and Malcolm’s friendship in real time. Look right here this is two guys chatting about how cool someone is. <3 Look at how happy and proud JT is of a woman he just met. I promise you he’s thinking about how awesome and badass of a mother his wife is going to be.

37:28 - JT’s scared face coupled with his softly spoken “Dude.” stops my heart. It’s as though talking to someone other than his wife makes the baby seem like more of a scary, real responsibility. You can tell that he’s excited but still terrified about fatherhood. He’s not quite ready to tell people yet.

37:37 - “The thing’s the size of a peanut.” - I googled it: Tally is about 9 weeks pregnant. ALSO how freaking cute is it that JT is so excited about his unborn child that he knows how big it is. <3 I can just see him panic researching about pregnancy and caring for infants in the middle of the night while Tally sleeps. <3

37:44 - He doesn’t want to jinx it? Does that mean he and Tally have had trouble getting pregnant in the past? Miscarriages? Infertility? Or is JT just scared from everything he’s been researching about pregnancy? Either way - if Tally looses this child I will riot.

37:50 - “You don’t do happy.” - Malcolm’s face twists into a look of hurt and sadness. He genuinely believes JT’s words - even though JT meant them as a joke. JT sees that too because he immediately starts teasing Bright. JT is concerned about Malcolm.

38:39 - So Eve does have a key. Nope. Not cool. Not in-line with Malcolm’s trust issues. I refuse to believe it.

39:11 - I hate watching Malcolm be this sad. Look at his nose. It’s just a little red - he’s been crying. His fragile ability to trust has been shattered again and Eve’s apology is quite honestly not very good.

39:45 - Can we all just pause on Malcolm’s shirt? It looks like the orange sweater Gil wore in 1x13. Did they go shopping together? Did Malcolm buy the shirt because it reminded him of Gil? Does he only wear it when he feels sad because the fact that it reminds him of Gil comforts him

40:35 - What’s the story of Eve’s Dad? What’s his deal?

41:40 - I’m really proud of Malcolm for being brave enough to face the truth and have this really difficult conversation with Eve.

43:09 - Ok. I’ll say it. Malcolm is too nice. This woman shattered his heart last night and now he’s hugging her? Bro - you don’t have to do that. You’re allowed to be upset. You’re letting her walk all over you.

Thanks for hanging out Prodigies.

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emeraldtawny · 5 years

Text

Why I Love The 7 of Hearts

...I said I would do it. And now that it has officially been one month since his route release, the official banner for spoilers is now lifted! That being said, I’ll put a disclaimer now: I will be talking about key aspects and spoilers from Kyle’s route. Be warned.

Alright, now onto my thesis. Title: Why Kyle Ash Is My Favourite Otome Husband To Date - An Incredibly Biased Review, by Tawny ^w^

Part 1: Before his route

Before we talk about the actual route itself, let me explain to you guys why this man already had my heart before even getting to date him. I’ll be honest; when the game first came out, he was already in my top 3 but he was not the best boi (that went to Fenrir and stayed like that for a bit). That is, until I played through Lancelot’s route. Being able to get more interactions with Kyle gave me more insight into the kind of person he is, and I honestly liked what I saw. He condemned Lancelot for throwing his life away needlessly without concern for his safety (important note to come back to) and made it clear that his affiliation with the Red Army didn’t mean anything when there are lives on the line (another impotant point to revisit). I honestly respected that about him and sure enough, he snuck his way into top spot and has stayed there since. And if I’m being real, his route has completely solidified that. He ain’t moving. Ever.

Personal Rambling #1

Okay, now comes the fun part hehehe >:3

With the question “did you enjoy Kyle’s route?”, is there an option for “everything” and also “yes yes yes, holy shit yes”? Because, Kyle’s route is a big fat YES out of 10 for me, and I say that as unbiasedly as possible. I noticed that there didn’t seem to be any dev notes released before Kyle’s route dropped (my poor boi getting shafted :c), so allow me to give you my own variation:

Kyle

Recommended if you like: Yukimura (brusque yet sweet, kind of an idiot but means well) and Mitsunari (oblivious genius)

Sexy…7

Drama…7

Romance…9

Dev Notes: For a man so smart, he’s awfully clueless when it comes to you. This weirdly approachable doctor may lack tact, but that doesn’t stop the blood pressures rising and the hearts racing - both yours and his. Get ready for an angst road bump at part 20 (as well as his Dramatic Ending), but rest assured that the doctor is here to see you now.

When I say he’s a combo of Yuki and Mitsunari, I’m not kidding. He’s basically Yuki without the full-on tsun tendencies (he has a few, but you could call it more embarrassment and awkwardness compared to being a tsundere) and then a touch of Mitsunari’s infuriating obliviousness and bam, you got Kyle!

I won’t give a synopsis of the route, since you’ve all likely read it or know most of the story (why on earth are you reading this far in otherwise?) so allow me to share with you, my personal favourite chapters/parts of his route!

Chapter 7 - the first (and definitely not last) instance of a blushing Kyle in his natural habitat. Bonus for glasses uwu

Chapter 14 - the introduction of Goo, the new best pet in Cradle (sorry Chutney). Legit, I recorded that entire section where Kyle and MC are naming Goo and I was just squeeing like a deranged lunatic because I loved it so much like bdjxbgdkfnxfkd

Chapter 24 (His POV) - DRUNK KYLE POV. Of course, he’s still cognitive to have proper thoughts, it wasn’t Masamune levels of drunkenness. But...jealous Kyle. That right there is a rarity but WOW, it’s a treat ;3

Towards the end of the route when MC finds Kyle’s confession written on his freaking hand (Kyle you doof) and just...him burying his amused smile into the crook of his elbow when she says she likes someone…..HNNNNNGGGGGGG yes

Part 2: Character Development

This man has such strong convictions to his profession that it’s honestly admirable. He may only have one pillar to stand on, but that pillar is strong and immovable. I’m of course talking about this line: “I absolutely despise people who are ready to throw away their lives”. Sound familiar at all? Remind you of...a certain Red King? Honestly though, this commitment to his work as a doctor when he seems to do nothing else except drink himself into a stupor most nights (if not every night) is awe-inspiring, and I’m not the only one who thinks so.

The MC in Kyle’s route is my new favourite. I love how the romance she develops for Kyle starts off as simple admiration, just her wanting to follow in his footsteps and prove useful to people without provoking the war occurring around her. She’s grounded and has a clear purpose, which is refreshing compared to other iterations of her being more meek and more better categorised as a “damsel in distress”. Don’t get me wrong, I”m not criticising those types of MCs. It’s just nice to see a driven MC with a clear goal and a motive for why she wants to do the things she does, enough for her to stay longer than the allotted month (something NONE OF THE OTHER ROUTES DO, HELL YEAH KYLE!). She actively chose to stay in Cradle - even when her ticket home was right in front of her - because she wanted to help Kyle save lives. It’s refreshing. And it makes for some great interactions between her and Kyle, especially later in the route when they’re more comfortable with each other. Which leads me onto my next point…

It felt like a real relationship. The slow growth and blooming of feelings, the cute interactions they’d share (every time Kyle stroked her hair or bopped her on the head, my heart exploded into confetti), and how awkward they both were with each other. God, if you guys could have seen me reading his route with my dumb dopey grin and squeaking like a lovesick children’s toy every 10 seconds...I was a mess gielkdsnglkd.

I love how they let us see into Kyle’s world. It may be a simple outlook on life, but you can’t fault the man. His strong conviction to save as many lives as he can because he feels it’s what he was made to do, and his importance on smiling and presenting a calm, friendly image of himself as he treats his patients (remember the line “People are like mirrors.”. It’s important.). He’s a very “my pace” kind of person, and it was fun to just kind of...relax a bit. Sure, war preparations were happening but wait one moment, please. I need to educate Jonah on what is needed for a balanced nutritious breakfast. It was refreshing to see a route that was surprisingly chill for most of it until the ending crescendo, and I welcomed it.

Alright….angst time. All of the little hints we were getting, like his role of the 7 of Hearts not being “set in stone”, had me squinting at the screen like “boi, what you hiding?”. When we got to drinking with Kyle, Oliver and Blanc and the conversation of Kyle having a brother came up, I was like “....oh. This is gonna be baaad.”. And this wasn’t even including Colin (because when a character gets named, you know they’re important.). But…..Chapter 20. It actually came out of left field, sucker-punched me in the kidney, cracked my heart and left me crying as I’m just reading this whole thing unfolding. Colin’s heartbroken cries, Kyle’s unmoving unresponsive form as he lets Colin punch him, the symbolism and connection of both Kyle and Colin having lost an older brother because of the war. I’m….. ;~; aaaaaa. And then in the Avatar Challenge following the angst, MC throws the “people are like mirrors” line back at him to get him to break down a bit, to let some emotion out, and I was just a blubbering mess at this point. The route is generous enough to give you a floof and mild spice break, but then if you choose the Dramatic Ending…..you…..you visit...his brother’s grave...and the waterworks begin again.

Continuing on from the point above, this means Kyle also has connections with The Day That Went Dark, along with Fenrir and more importantly, Ray. From the way it was described in Kyle’s route, he himself doesn’t know for certain if Ray used magic or not. He only knows that Ray was there when shit went down. So even after his brother passed from the tragedy, Kyle held no animosity or desire for revenge against Ray; very fitting for his character. This route made me realise just how similar Kyle and Ray are: they’re both very determined in their ways to keep the peace and they both hold strong to their views of freedom and honesty (Ray and Kyle respectively). And you can tell that Kyle doesn’t hold it against Ray for whatever happened on The Day That Went Dark.

I would honestly love to see a scenario of the two of them sitting down together in a room and just awkwardly yet honestly expressing all of their pent-up emotions about that whole ordeal (angst writers, if you’re reading this...only if you want to ofc ^w^).

Personal Rambling #2: Gushing Edition

So those were my structured notes, but now let me indulge you on my messy bullet points that I made throughout reading his route. A lot of these are pointless to character building and things I just thought were cute and needed attention drawn to sooo….ye ^w^

Like the rest of the Red Army, Kyle was born into a family that carries the mantle of 7 of hearts. All of them doctors.

Cute theme of beds??? (his bday story and them sleeping in the same room)

“When he wasn’t talking, he’s actually quite attractive.” (wow, r00d)

His palm notes are work and other things related (and he doesn’t always remember why he wrote it down bgrkdgn)

Not a sweet tooth (dammit Kyle, that’s your only downfall :c)

Easily embarrassed despite his earnest and straightforward mannerisms

Doesn’t dote on MC and teaches her what he can

His importance on smiling and presenting a calm, friendly image of himself as he treats his patients (“People are like mirrors.” - ch 8)

Head pats. Lots of head pats

Awkward sweet love (kill me it’s too adorable)

Edgar’s silent envy yet sweet support of their romance (this boi istg…)

Super proactive MC (she’s my new fave, seriously I love her)

Lots of touching (head pats, forehead bonks), he doesn’t know what personal space is (and I love it)

His pig is the cutest thing in the entire world, I need 20

Really good with kids…...yes.

“I absolutely despise people who are ready to throw away their lives” (incredibly strong convictions - doesn’t have many, but the ones he does have he is incredibly dedicated to)

Stays longer than the allotted month (FUCK YES)

His brother’s death strengthened his convictions to be able to handle being an army doctor (direct and honest, no bs about sacrificing your life etc etc)

The “People are like mirrors” line is tearing my fucking heart apart (makes sense in chapter 20 avatar challenge)

The angst…..his brother...and Colin….I’m rdfkgndkjfnxclk ;-;

His realisation of love….and his confession….lord, IM DROWNING IN UWUS

Saving Amon despite him murdering many innocent people, a big decision that could have changed the tide for the future, but he stuck with his beliefs

MC’s insistence that Kyle doesn’t like her that way, and Kyle’s inability to realise it’s love (help me it’s so fucking cute I’m dying)

Whether intentional or not, he’s good at diverting the attention away from him when he wants it off him (maybe MC just assumes he’s an idiot?? lmao)

So his glasses are for sentimental reasons (but does he need them???) and his alcohol drinking habits are from his father (not a coping mechanism)

Incredibly kind...but not good at showing it (helping MC distract herself by giving her work(?))

MC’s obsession with Kyle’s eyes and collarbone (same sis, SAME) and Kyle’s obsession with her hair (fsekfbksfnjweksdgn kd,nAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

Conclusion

Overall, Kyle’s route is very solid. It may not add much to the overarching lore of Cradle (aside from another victim in The Day That Went Dark), but the route was still adorable, enjoyable and incredibly sweet. I had no moments where I felt bored throughout his route (then again, that’s likely the bias talking) and the balance between cute floof, tear-jerking angst and then hot hot spice (that he FULLY deserves, mind you) came together into a wonderful experience that left my heart full and sad when it all ended.

My final message to you all: Kyle Ash is the sweetest, most adorkable nerd that has ever graced my presence and I hope that even a tiny portion of my love for him rubs off on you, just so you can see how amazing this boi is. Thank you for your time and for listening to my ramblings gesgnsk ^^;;

Bonus: my two favourite screenshots from his route

#ikerev #kyle ash #tawny loves kyle #my kyle thesis #I was ready to post this like a week ago but I held myself off gksehdhgbks #tawny rambles

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johannesviii · 4 years

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Top 10 Personal Favorite Hit Songs from 1999

A list with quite possibly the most embarrassing #1 yet, and considering some of the previous ones, that’s really saying something.

Also, a very, very long list of honorable mentions.

Disclaimers:

Keep in mind I’m using both the year-end top 100 lists from the US and from France while making these top 10 things. There’s songs in English that charted in my country way higher than they did in their home countries, or even earlier or later, so that might get surprising at times.

Of course there will be stuff in French. We suck. I know. It’s my list. Deal with it.

My musical tastes have always been terrible and I’m not a critic, just a listener and an idiot.

I have sound to color synesthesia which justifies nothing but might explain why I have trouble describing some songs in other terms than visual ones.

This could have almost been a top fifteen, because holy f█cking shit look at this list of honorable mentions. I might eventually make a top 15 for some years (gosh I just finished my 2013 top and it’s a massacre of good songs, an absolute disaster, and I’m seriously considering making it a top 15 or 20 I swear), but for now, it’s still manageable.

Summer Son (Texas) - Why is this so hot. The lyrics aren’t even hot in the first place. What the hell.

That Don’t Impress Me Much (Shania Twain) - Not my favorite song from her but still very good. Fun fact, one of my English teachers was using songs as dictation exercises and that was the hardest one he ever used for that. I don’t think any of us got the Elvis line right. Also he’s solely responsible for me loving The Cure because the second song he used for this kind of exercise was Boys Don’t Cry. This has nothing to do with Shania Twain but I thought it was a fun little story to tell.

Jusqu’au Bout de la Nuit (Emile et Images) - Two French bands from the eighties team up and release a song which is composed of every single one of their hit songs from the eighties, with each chorus sung one after the other, and... it sounds great? And it charted?? My brother absolutely loved them, too. The only reason it’s not on the list is that it feels like cheating, in a way. I mean, half these songs could top some of my lists on their own. Putting them together is a dirty trick, guys! Oh well, I love you all anyway.

Baby One More Time (Britney Spears) - I really love this song and it was on the list at first, but overplay played a big role in its removal from it.

L’Ame Stram Gram (Mylène Farmer) - Has the privilege of being the first Mylène Farmer music video I ever saw in my life. Was incredibly confused but also fascinated. The song isn’t her best though, and she’s on so many of these lists that I claim self care on its removal from this one, especially because, uh... she’s still gonna appear on it anyway. Damn it.

Move Your Body (Eiffel 65) - I told you I loved stupid dance music didn’t I. Unfortunately things aren’t gonna get better as years pass. I just made a list (which is gonna be posted muuuuuuch later) where I put David Guetta six places higher than Adele. This isn’t a joke.

Save Tonight (Eagle Eye Cherry) - I genuinely love this song and it’s kinda sad I couldn’t fit it on any of the two lists where it was elligible.

La Manivelle (Wazoo) - This would NEVER have charted if La Tribu de Dana by Manau hadn’t been such an enormous hit the previous year. Not in a million years. And if it hadn’t, the world would have been a little less fun. So I’m glad. I love it and it was one of the last cuts from this list.

Kiss Me (Sixpence None the Richer) - Was also on the list at first. Was removed because it never ended on any compilation I made and that’s the only reason.

Well, that was long. Here’s the proper list.

10 - Crazy (Britney Spears)

US: Not on the list?? I was very surprised / FR: #14

So I dug up the first cd compilations I ever made for the previous list, and look what’s the first song on the third compilation I ever made!

Relistened to it, still love it to bits, put it on the list. Sorry Kiss Me.

9 - All Star (Smash Mouth)

US: #17 / FR: Not on the list

I know it’s impossible to listen to it with fresh ears after something like 15 years of memes. But it’s still damn good and a ton of fun to sing along with it.

8 - Ma Baker 99 (Boney M)

US: Not on the list / FR: #66

Where’s that photo of the cd compilation I mentioned in the previous list?

There it is.

Yep, it’s a remix, but it charted here, and it sounds and looks absolutely fantastic. I had never heard the original at the time for some reason, and that song sounded so badass. I could only understand isolated bits of the lyrics (like “she was the meanest cat in all Chicago town”, “the cops appeared too soon they couldn’t get away”, “she never could cry”) but it was enough to get a general idea, and that was back when I was starting to realise than most of the dance songs I enjoyed as a kid didn’t tell stories and weren’t about wizards and magic. So, a song about a mean woman who’s also a gangster?? I was like, wow, nice, a song I like with an actual story, give me twenty.

7 - Boom Boom Boom Boom (Vengaboys)

US: Not on the list / FR: #20

Told you I loved Vengaboys! It’s also on that third cd compilation I ever made!

Fun fact, at the time, for a while I didn’t know what the lyrics were and since I only knew a couple of words of English I was convinced a “broom” was somehow involved in the lyrics instead of a “room”.

6 - Souviens-toi du jour (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #73

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ; I used to be a huge fan of her as a teenager and my brain somehow links her and her songs in general to some dark times in my life - and so, every single time she appears on one of my lists, I feel like I’m texting an unstable ex and that things will end horribly and I probably shouldn’t do that but, ugh, can’t help it, love her too much.

Ok so the first seconds are actually painful to listen to but holy shit, that’s a beautiful, beautiful song. When the chorus swells near the end, so full of hope and light? Amazing. Chills on my arms every single time. That’s from one of her best albums, too. I have nothing more to say about it.

5 - Better Off Alone (Alice Deejay)

US: Not on the list / FR: #30

I don’t have anything to say about this one apart from the fact one of my friends around 2005 thought the lyrics were “do you think you’re better? rofl lol” and I think that’s hilarious.

Moving on to- oh shit oh no not that song

4 - Je te rends ton amour (Mylène Farmer)

US: Not on the list / FR: #97

What I said in #6 also applies here and this song is so dark it feels even worse. That song used to be very important in my life. Bad memories, bad times. Really, really bad times.

So. Uh. This is a song about a woman in a painting, who’s despising her creator, and possibly (that’s very, very open to interpretation, here’s a translation) coming out of her frame to kill him. That’s quite possibly the weirdest story I’ve ever heard in a song, and I love it. And it sounds so sinister. God, the first notes. They are so ominous. And that brief moment of silence after the bridge, right before the guitar explodes again? Horrible chills. I’m not sure who killed who or what actually happened in the story but press F to pay respects.

Also the music video has nothing to do with the lyrics and it’s absolutely terrifying and I shouldn’t have watched this at 14 because it’s kinda burned into my mind now and it will never go away and you probably shouldn’t watch it either.

If it wasn’t so inextricably linked to bad memories, this song would be #2. I still love it and listen to it but I kinda jump like a scared rabbit whenever I hear it by surprise and it should come with its own trigger warning as far as I’m concerned.

3 - Narcotic (Liquido)

US: Not on the list / FR: #99

This is barely elligible. But I’m so, so glad it is. These chords right there? Love them. Love. Them.

Also here’s a fun story about this song and me. At first, I was like “oh wow, I can only understand one word out of five, but this sounds badass.” Then a couple of years later I was like “oh. Oh no. It’s about drugs.” And THEN a few years later I was like “oh shit oh no. It’s about sex.” But no, now that I can understand everything, it’s just a breakup song. It’s okay.

2 - Where I’m headed (Lene Marlin)

US: Not on the list / FR: #24

Ok so. Uh. I just realised this song was called Where I’m headed and not, as I believed for literally 18 years, “Pass By”. I had never checked. I have it on several tapes and several cd compilations, always labelled Pass By. It’s also called Pass By on the mp3 I still have in my playlist. I know I’m in the wrong here and probably never checked what the title was but I still feel like there’s been a glitch in the matrix. What happened.

Anyway. Fantastic song. Love it.

Now let’s embarrass myself beyond all hopes of redemption.

1 - Blue (Eiffel 65)

US: Not on the list (...yet. #49 in 2000) / FR: #2

So. Uh. Yeah.

Blue by Eiffel 65 was, for a long, long, LONG time, my favorite song ever.

See? This is one of my oldest lists of favorite songs.

Another one from several months later.

A cd compilation of my favorite songs ever, which I made around 2003 or 2004 as well, with a booklet with lyrics entirely copied by hand and with every page painstakingly illustrated with panels and characters from my favorite comic at the time, Horologiom.

You open the booklet, and look at that, Blue is the second song right after Children.

This silly song which lists blue things and has a nonsensical chorus and one of the dumbest music videos of the entire 90s was, indeed, for years, my favorite song ever. Why. How. Well, first, please remember I am, in fact, a sucker for dance music and electronic music ESPECIALLY when a piano is involved, but this isn’t at all why this song was special to me (and still is, actually).

As I already mentioned, music has colors to me and guess what’s the dominant color of this song? Yepppppp. This is one of the bluest songs ever made even if there’s a little black, yellow and green here and there - the only song I can think about right now which out-blues it is Derezzed by Daft Punk.

And I can’t even begin to explain how SATISFYING a blue song called “Blue” listing blue things and which has an extremely blue music video is.

I know. It’s an embarrassing #1 even for 1999. It took me a long time to post this list partly for this reason. But I wouldn’t be honest if it was placed at any other position. It’s stupid, it’s repetitive, it’s meaningless. I absolutely love it and I’ve loved it for twenty years.

Deal with it.

Next up: the year when I actually started to buy cds with my own money, with debatable results.

#Johannes’ bad not good pretty terrible music lists #music #long post #eye contact tw

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rinah-creates · 4 years

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Hullo and happy STS! Sophie and Frean get their roles reversed, what happens?

Chaos and my brain blue screens, that's the first thing that happens. There's two ways I can think to take this, i don't know which one to chose, so here are both:

Option 1: Sophie is the Fae and Frean is human and Ryn's partner. They also swap ages, Sophie is 300ish but looks 14-15ish, Frean is 20something. Nothing else changes.

In this case, Ti finds Sophie alone in the park, sitting under a tree, looking like she's been through hell. She was caught in an accident in the mortal world a few days before. The Fae healed her as best as they could, but after she wakes and they figure out she is paralyzed as well they kick her out. "You risked life and limb in the mortal realm, you must now pay the price. You shall go to their land and live as one of them, you no longer belong here."

Ti calls an ambulance, Sophie spends weeks in hospital, her health not improving. Ti feels a bond with Sophie [like she does with Frean in the original] and insists on visiting her. Ryn gets involved. In time, Sophie tells Ryn she is not human and they figure out that all the iron in the hospital room is hurting her. So Ryn pulls all the strings they can to quickly adopt Sophie as their child and brings her home. Ti sees her as a sister. Sophie is gloomy, sad most of the time and the only thing that keeps her going is Ti.

Some 5ish years before Sophie appears, Frean is a cute, young looking new library employee, who quickly falls for Ryn in a strange "I thought I was straight but I guess not" way. But he doesn't tell them or do much about it for a long time. He runs a storytelling evening twice a week, he is great with the little kids. He plays tricks and does "magic" for them, he is constantly a goofball and a joker. He makes quick and witty comments, has a sharp tongue, but also a soft side he shows when someone needs comforting, be it child or colleague. Ryn likes his attitude, his presence and eventually admits they like his face as well, but for the longest time they think he is either ace, because he shows no interest in anyone, ever (blind Ryn, he does show interest in you, but you take it as "he is just nice and friendly"). Eventually he works up the courage to ask Ryn out and they accept. They date, they have fun, the rest is history.

I can't tell you how this switch affects the plot, because that would be a major spoiler... well multiple major spoilers.

Option 2: Sophie has Frean's personality and Frean has Sophie's, but they are still in the same positions and have the same dynamic.

Frean is nurturing, he takes one look at Ti and decides he will take her under his wing. He becomes her "big brother", making sure everything is all right and that she stays out of trouble. He indulges in her childish outbursts of "let's have ice cream, who cares of it's November and we're in Glasgow" or "oooh, I will climb that tree", but he does not edge her on. He also looks a bit older, so he can pass for a baby faced 18 year old, which means that the squirrel incident goes a bit more like "she's with me, officer, I'm sorry, [insert blah about Ti being his excited little sister who has never seen a squirrel before] Ti, get down, monkey, come on" and that's the end of it. He seems already of age, so Ryn and Sophie only adopt him in practice, no paperwork required. He rents his own studio for a while and gets a job at the library to sustain himself. He later helps [redacted] escape an abusive situation with way less bruises than I have planned for "canon" by standing up to [redacted, abuser] and literally positioning himself between the two.

Again, 5 years prior, Sophie is in deep depression. She loved being outdoors, goofing around, climbing trees and anything else that can be climbed, skating and an array of childish activities, despite being 20 something and on her way to becoming a physicist. Now she is post accident, nobody wants to engage with her and all the fun activities she liked to do are impossible. She thinks life has no point anymore and continues to exist for Laura's sake, sometimes wondering if it wouldn't be easier for her mother if she had just died in the accident. She liked to goof around and was a bubbling mess of energy, now she is apathetic and does nothing for hours. At Laura's insistence, she takes up Ryn's offer of a job as a receptionist at the library, which she trudges through every day, with no actual interest. It's the books that eventually spark some reaction form her, she begins working to mend some old, torn ones of her own initiative, then takes up shelving the children's section, because she can reach it. She spends almost six months as a complete loner, she sees Ryn as a nagging nurse who insists she eats and does things, or, on bad days, Ryn is a stranger who has no business taking pity on her, and she despises them either way. It takes her over a year to even notice Ryn has a face. As a result, when Frean shows up, her relationship with Ryn is still building, slowly growing, they started dating less than a year before. It's a long process for Sophie to become more than a shell of herself, to crack an occasional, if bitter, joke or to goof around at a fair (I have a very specific scene in which Sophie, at a book fair, picks up a paper hat from the children's section, puts it on and grins. For a moment, Laura glimpses the old Sophie).

With a more mature Frean around, Sophie feels like her old behaviour and attitude could be balanced, so she begins making bad puns and teasing Frean, who is apprehensive at first, then teases right back when he sees that being nice makes things worse. She also teases Ryn and sometimes over compensates, she is too childish to the point of being annoying, but Ryn accepts it as a coping mechanism and never discourages her.

Ti is less part of her life, she takes up storytelling for her sake, but she is less interested in Ti's problems, more focused on her own, leaving Ryn to be Ti's support, along with big brother Frean. Sometimes she plays with Ti, jokes with her and interacts, but Ti sees Sophie more like a sister close to her own age than as an adult in her life.

Phew, that was a lot. And I mean a lot! They ran away from me. But it was fun to write, so a Big Thank You For The Ask and happy STS to you too!

#storyteller saturday #sts #writeblr #my writing #my ocs #what if

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lovemesomesurveys · 5 years

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1. If we returned to a world without internet, what aspect of online life would you miss the most? Wow, that would really, really suck, ha. For someone like me with no life and who spends a lot of time on the internet... yikes. Sounds sad, but it’s true. I would miss Tumblr and surveys and checking my social medias and looking up random stuff and shopping online. I mean, obviously I’d have to adapt and move on, and hey maybe something good would come from it, but yeah just imagining that sounds awful haha. 2. What food are you craving at the moment? I’m not hungry right now, but I am thinking about that pizza I had Monday haha. It was SO good. I could definitely go for another. 3. Are you craving anything aside from food, and if so, what? I wanna travel. Last week my dad flew out to visit family and I was so envious that he was getting to fly somewhere and get out of town/state for a few days. I’ve only flown a total of 2 times, which was over 10 years ago now. I’ve gone along to take and pick up people from the airport many times; though, and each time I always get the urge to fly somewhere. I get this butterfly type feeling each time I’ve gone to the airport and I just wanna gooooo.

4. Where was the last place you went and what did you do there? I went to the doctor yesterday for my monthly check up on something ongoing I’ve been dealing with. 5. What was the highlight and low point of your summer (or whatever season you happen to be taking this in)? The only good parts about this summer was the few times I went to the beach, my birthday weekend vacation, saw some good movies, and my aunt (whom I’m super close with) came and stayed with a for a few days last week and it was really fun. Otherwise, I despise summer, it’s hot and miserable. I dread it every year and I just look forward to it being over. 6. What was the last change you made to your lifestyle? Hmm. 7. What was the last thing you gave up doing? Uhhh. I feel like I’ve given up on a lot of things in the last few years. Myself most of all. 8. Do you deal well with criticism? Does it make a difference if it’s constructive? I mean, if someone wants to offer some helpful, useful advice that could be beneficial to me that’s cool. Just don’t be rude about it. If I’m doing something and there’s possibly a better way to do it, then suggest that in a way that doesn’t come off condescending or rude. I’m most critical on myself anyway. I will say; though, it does annoy me if someone keeps telling me something that I should do that I already know I should do. Don’t criticize me constantly for it. Don’t nag me. 9. What was the last thing to boost your self-esteem? What sort of things typically make you feel good about yourself? My self-esteem is shit, but I know it’d be nice to get my hair done finally. It’s been over a year and it looks so bad and I always like how my hair looks and feels after I get it done. Like, I’m still a mess but at least my hair would look nice. 10. When it comes to food, do you prefer crunchy or softer textures? I like some crunch, but not hard. Like the right amount of crunch and crispiness, ya know? Depending on what it is, of course. I like soft textures as well. I eat everything with sauce, dips, or olive oil because I can’t eat things dry. Like my sandwiches, for example, I put a lot of mayo and mustard, but I also dip it in olive oil. Or like I eat eggs with ranch, unless I have country gravy with them. 11. Do you prefer savory or sweet things for breakfast? I just eat scrambled eggs with spinach and cheese for breakfast, sometimes in the form of a breakfast burrito. Hash browns are a great bonus. I used to eat like cereal, pop tarts, toaster strudels, granola bars, oatmeal, and waffles, but now I can’t eat a lot of sweet stuff anymore. Plus, I just prefer to have eggs. There’s more substance and I get something good out of it like protein. Honestly, I used to never even have breakfast at all, I just liked breakfast foods like I listed above. It’s only within the last year especially that I started to eat breakfast regularly. 12. When was the last time someone disappointed you? What about the last time you disappointed someone else? I’ve been very disappointed in myself for a long time. I feel like I’ve disappointed my family and former friends, too. 13. What is something you can’t seem to stop doing (or start)? I can’t seem to stop being a mess or start getting my shit together... 14. When was the last time you made a new friend? What about the last time you lost a friend? I haven’t made any friends in years. I lost all my friends over the past few years. 15. What was the last thing you were excited about? What about nervous? I was excited about having my aunt come and stay with us last week and for our beach trip last weekend. We had a really good time. As for nervous, this is a long story time so grab a snack and buckle up:

I was full on freaking out last Sunday, after having a great, relaxing time at the beach, because as we were turning the corner to our street, we got notifications on our phone from our security camera, which at almost 10 o’clock at night, was like wtf?? Before any of us had time to check it, we saw for ourselves the reason why it was going off: As we turned we saw firetrucks, smoke, and our neighbors all standing around outside, some of which were standing at our door, hence the security alerts going off. We saw our house and our neighbor’s house that we’re connected to engulfed in smoke. We had no idea what was going on, but our first and only thought and concern was our dog, who was in the house. I start literally crying and freaking out because like I said, we didn’t know what was going on, but what I described seeing as we turned the corner was terrifying and my only concern was my dog. My mom stops the car and she and my brother jump out and run up to our house. My brother comes back out running to the car with my dog, who was physically fine, THANK GOD, but very scared. She jumped in the back with me and I just held on to her the entire time while my mom, aunt, and brother went back to find out what the hell was going on. Turns out that our neighbor, whose house is connected to ours, was working on his car in the garage and his engine caught fire. Being that our houses are connected, the smoke came over to our side and filled up our garage. It was so bad that it was coming out the sides, which is why it looked like it was our house that had the fire. When my mom opened up the garage, she said the smoke was so thick that she couldn’t even see anything. It was crazy. The firefighters had to do a walkthrough of our house to make sure it was fine and checked for carbon monoxide and all that, and had to use their big blower thing to clear out the smoke in our garage. Our house was fine, we just had to open the windows up in our house and air it for awhile. The smell was strong; though, and the smoke was very irritating to my throat. OH, and the reason why our other neighbors were standing at our door was because they thought we were home asleep and they were trying to alert us of the fire. One girl even jumped our fence to bang on our backdoor. They were banging and yelling for awhile, apparently. My mom and I watched the video camera footage later and saw everything and omg it was so crazy. You can tell how scared and concerned they were. And the smoke was so bad at that point that they were coughing and covering their mouths, but they continued banging on our door and trying to yell out to alert us. D: It meant SO much that they cared and were genuinely concerned about us like that. We couldn’t stop thanking them. Ahh but anyway yeah, it was w i l d. And this was just a few days after there was another fire a few houses down from us. :O 16. What is something small that you take extremely personally? Hm. I don’t know. I’m a sensitive person, so. 17. What is your favorite thing about your favorite person? I don’t really have a favorite person. I love my family and I’m close to some more than others, but I don’t choose favorites like that. 18. What is something you wish other people knew about you? I don’t know. 19. What is something you wish others DIDN’T know? Uhhh. 20. When was the last time you comforted someone who was upset? When my aunt and I get together it always ends up turning into a therapy session between us. We stay up late and talk about everything and yeah, sometimes it gets pretty deep. Anyway, I was just lending an ear and letting her vent about some things. 21. What was going on the last time you couldn’t sleep? Every night I stay up and watch ASMR, Tumblr, and do surveys until I fall asleep. 22. What are your plans for the day ahead (or tomorrow if it’s late)? I don’t have any today, but tomorrow my mom and I are dropping off my brother and his friend at a concert. It’s out of town, so I wanted to tag along for the ride. 23. Do you tend to be more grumpy when you’re tired or when you’re hungry? Both. Like, I’m always tired, but when I first wake up you do not want to talk to me before I’ve had coffee and had time to wake up. I also get quite hangry. 24. When was the last time you yelled at someone? I don’t know. I yelled out to someone so they could hear me, but I don’t recall the last time I yelled at someone. 25. What types of things typically cause you to cry? Blah some days it’s like I’m on the verge of tears all day and any thing can set me off. Other times there’s a specific reason, other times it’s a combination or build up of things that lead to crying. There’s various reasons. I’m just a cry baby. 26. When was the last time someone else cried in your presence? It’s been awhile, actually. 27. What is one thing that would make your life a lot better? Better health. 28. What is something you are grateful to already have in your life? My family. 29. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? Leggings, graphic Ts, and Adidas. 30. What is one of your most positive characteristics? What about one of your most negative? Does it bother you when you see certain aspects of yourself in other people, or does it depend on the trait? I have a lot of negative traits. I’m struggling to think of something positive. I used to be someone who was there for others and willing to help anyway I could, but I haven’t been that way these past few years. I’ve become such a shitty person these past few years I feel like. :/

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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