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#source: brooklyn nine nine
Sal(Mid game with Ash): Got any fours?
Ash: Go fish.
Travis(Snorting from where he's perched on the couch, turning a page in his book): Bullshit.
Ash(Indignant as Sal turns to look at Travis): WHAT? What am I doing?
Travis(Gesturing towards Sal): I can see his cards, and he's got three fours-
Sal(Spluttering as he tries to shield his cards): Wh- don't look at my cards!
Travis(Scoffing): Well maybe hide them better, you suck at this.
Todd: Does it matter if he can see them when he's not even playing?
Sal: It matters to ME, don't look at my cards-
Travis(Talking over Sal to the room at large): He's got three fours-
Sal(Stuffing his cards down his shirt): AND STOP TELLING HER WHAT CARDS I HAVE.
Travis(Ignoring him): And the only thing in that pile right now are twos, threes, and sevens-
Ash(In disbelief): That is a fucking GUESS.
Travis(Indignant at being challenged): It's not!
Ash: There's no way you could know that without actually looking!
Travis: Yeah you can, if you PAY ATTENTION-
Ash: By what, monitoring every single card that gets used over the course of the game and tallying them in your head?
Travis: YES!
Ash(Slamming her cards down): THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY HAVE YOU BEEN COUNTING CARDS THAT ACCURATELY.
Travis(Jabbing a finger in her direction): IT'S CALLED SKILL.
Lisa(Sticking her head into the room): Guys! Inside voices!
Ash(Sheepish): Sorry, Lisa.
Travis(Mumbling): Sorry.
Lisa(Mollified): I admire the enthusiasm as long as it's kept to a reasonable noise level.
Ash: Will do!
Lisa(About to leave before suddenly remembering something): Oh, I keep forgetting to mention- Travis?
Lisa(Cheerfully, not seeming to notice): You were absolutely right about that cake substitution!
Travis(Thrown): I- what?
Lisa: The other day when you were over here and I was complaining about having to buy buttermilk when I'd only be using it for one cake- your trick with the milk and lemon juice worked perfectly. Tasted just the same, and I didn't have to waste a trip to the store!
Travis(Slightly bewildered at positive attention): Oh, that- yeah, it's... no worries. It's what I always do. Glad it worked.
Lisa(Smiling): I'm glad you were there. You've got good cooking instincts, you know that? Thank you for your help.
Travis(Smiling a little back, pleased): No problem, Mom.
Travis(Wary): ...why is everyone staring at me?
Ash(In faint disbelief): ...you just called Lisa 'Mom'. You said 'No problem, Mom'.
Travis(In quiet horror): ....no, I didn't.
Todd(Eyebrows raised): You did.
Travis(Steering further into denial): No, I didn't, I said 'no problem, MA'AM'.
Larry(Squinting at him): What kind of fucked up pronunciation is THAT? Who says it that way? 'Thanks, moh-ahm'?
Travis: GO TO HELL.
Larry: Why am *I* going to hell for YOUR fuck ups?
Sal: Lar, enough.
Larry(Flinging his hands in the air): I didn't do anything!
Lisa(A little surprised, genuinely touched): Trav, do you see me as a mother figure?
Travis(Snapping): No! If anything I see you as SMOTHER FIGURE, because you're always SMOTHERING ME!
Larry(Warningly, while Ash glares at Travis): WATCH IT.
Todd(Dryly, hiding a smile): Yes, really, show your mother a little more respect.
Travis(Head in his hands): I DIDN'T CALL HER MOM!
Lisa: ENOUGH, everyone. Travis, sweetheart, it's fine- honestly, it feels like a compliment-
Sal(Shrugging a little, as Travis groans, sympathetic but amused): It's not that big a deal, man. I've called her Mom too.
Larry: More than once.
Travis(Removing his head from his hands to glare at the room at large): Hey! Hear that? FISHER'S called Mrs. Garcia Mom! There were witnesses and everything-
Larry: One witness.
Travis(Ignoring him): How come you don't jump on him?!
Sal: Wow.
Todd(Dismissively): Old news, not a surprise to anyone who's watched Sal interact with Lisa for more than ten minutes-
Sal: WOW.
Todd: But YOU calling her 'mommy'-
Travis(As Larry starts wheeze-laughing in the background): THAT IS NOT ON THE TABLE HERE.
Ash: But you DID call her mom, dude.
Travis(Stabbing a finger accusingly in her direction): You shut up, you've done nothing but lie all afternoon.
Ash(Raising her hands in defeat, exposing her cards, four included, to the world): Okay, I admit I was lying about Go Fish. But the mom thing? That happened.
Travis(Spotting an out and jumping on it): AND THERE IT IS!
Sal: There WHAT is?
Travis(Fully aware no one's going to believe him, but doggedly pushing forward anyway): I fucking told you she was cheating, and now I have proof! Told you. All part of the plan.
Larry(Snorting while Todd rolls his eyes and Ash sticks her tongue out): Riiiiight. Your PLAN.
Lisa(Smiling a little, watching them fondly): Well, I believe you.
Travis(Relieved): Thank you.
Lisa: Son.
Lisa: All right, dinner's almost ready, so anyone who's going to be eating needs to go help set the table. C'mon, up and at em, let's go-
Larry(Raising an eyebrow): Okay, when you say ALMOST ready, is that like, ACTUALLY almost ready, or the version of almost ready that means we still have a half hour to go?
Lisa(Sternly): TABLE.
Larry(Getting up and joining Sal, Ash and Todd as they head towards the kitchen): All right, all right, we're on it.
Lisa: In the meantime, Travis, maybe we can talk while you help me work on the sauce?
Travis: ...I'd like that.
4 notes · See All
Pete Buttigieg: Interesting. The odds of that happening coincidentally are vanishingly small.
Elizabeth Warren: I would say infinitesimally.
Joe Biden: Yes, and I would say teenily weenily. We all know words.
7 notes · See All

Zero: Oh Cross, did you see my report card for this year?

Kaien: Oh yeah I did, nice work!

Zero: OK good, thanks dad.

(The entire Day Class stops and stares at Zero)

Zero: Why is everyone staring at me?

Yori: You just called Headmaster Cross dad. You said ‘Thanks dad.’

Zero: What? No I didn’t! I said 'Thanks man.’

Kaien: Do you see me as a father figure Zero?

Zero: No! If anything, I see you as a bother figure cuz you’re always bothering me.

Ichiru: Hey! Show our father some respect!

2 notes · See All
Frank: I don't always understand Jackie's texts. She says they're still waiting and it's "allz good", allz with a Z. Then a box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. Another box with a question mark. And yet another box with a question mark. Then a box with a question mark. What does that mean?
Olivia: It means you don't have emojis on your phone.
1 notes · See All
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