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darkficsyouneveraskedfor · 3 years

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Of something beautiful, but annihilating🚬4

Warnings: nonconsensual touching, fingering, deceptive behaviour, allusions to abuse.

This is dark!fic and explicit. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Note: I haven’t updated in a minute but I got the yen to come back to Arvin so here we go! Also working away at my gif requests which are super fun :)

Thank you. Love you guys!

As always, if you can, please leave some feedback, like and reblog <3

The fight echoed in your head as Arvin buttoned up the front of your dress, although a few were missing. He helped you to your feet and you leaned on him heavily, barely able to see ahead of you, let alone support yourself on your shaky legs. You climbed the stairs as your mind passed through a tunnel of shock. You didn’t realise you’d even left the living room until you were lowered onto the bed.

Arvin sat beside you, his hand on your shoulder as he spoke softly. You didn’t understand his words as you turned your face away and tears trickled down your tender cheek. You weren’t sad that Roy was gone, you were embarrassed that another had seen what you let him do to you, and terrified of the nice man with the pistol.

Was he really so nice? You barely knew him at all and he’d had a gun under your roof. Sure, Roy had a rifle but that was for hunting. You couldn’t say or even try to imagine why Arvin had a handgun.

The lamp clicked off and the end of the chain clinked against the long stem. You laid in the dark, not daring to move, and after hours of dazed disbelief, you dozed off, your back wracked with pain from the tension and awkward position.

You woke with a stiff neck, a swollen face, and a weight in your chest. You sat up slowly and held your forehead as the bed shifted. Arvin dumped an armful of Roy's old flannels into the open suitcase at the foot of the mattress. You blinked and rubbed your eye as you leaned on one arm. You yawned and stretched your shoulders.

"What are you doing?" You asked.

"I'll see him today," he said as he pulled open the chest of drawers and grabbed the stained and torn denim from within, "make sure he stays away for good."

"What? Arvin," you bent your legs and crossed your arms over your knees, "he's my husband."

"He didn't act like one," he continued to toss Roy's clothes haphazardly into the bag, "he beat you!" He stopped and put his hands on his hips, "he never talked to you nice and…" he stopped and shook his head and closed the suitcase. He zipped it up with a sigh, "I heard him that first night. I figured, you weren't my wife, I could live with it. Well, I can't. You deserve better than him."

"It's not that easy. I can't just toss him out--"

"No, I did," Arvin insisted, "and I'll keep him out."

"You shouldn’t have done that. Last night. He'll be mad."

"So?" Arvin hauled the bag off the bed and dragged it to the door. The bottom of his shirt moved and revealed the butt of the gun sticking out of the top of his jeans.

"Are you gonna make sure with that?" You asked as you turned your legs over the side of the bed, "you can't just shoot him, you know that, don't you?"

"Of course, but he doesn't know I won't," Arvin looked back at you, "I'm gonna make breakfast then head out… how's your head?"

"Feels like there's a rock in my temple," you groaned and stood, "I don't want anyone to get hurt."

"No one but you, huh?" He challenged, "Look, I won't hurt him, I promise, but I also won't let him hurt you."

You neared him meekly as you hugged yourself, "why?"

"Because you do," he said, "because if you won't save yourself, I will. I have to," he looked down at his scuffed shoes, "I seen too many girls, too many women, hurt in my life. I ain't that old, you know? But I can't stand no more."

You watched him go and listened to him descend the old stairs. You frowned and flinched as you glanced around and caught a glimpse of yourself in the antique oval mirror your mother had left behind all those years ago. You looked as bad as you felt, worse; you couldn't help but be comforted by Arvin's concern, in fact, it felt good to have someone who cared about you.

🚬

It was hard to concentrate that day. Even a chore as simple as the dishes or sweeping the floors took twice as long as usual as your mind strayed to the night before and fears of what was to come.

You tried to convince Arvin to leave the bag there but he wasn’t folding, not like you. You admired him for that, but at the same time it made you squirm. Something had changed. He was no longer the sweet young man staying in your attic, he became the indomitable and angry man waving the gun around as he spoke about killing others without so much as flinching.

You remembered what he said. He’d killed a man before, or was it men? It wasn’t like you had anyone who could or would help you. You doubted Roy would come back even if you wanted him to, and on that front, you just couldn’t be sure. He was your husband and it was improper to put him out but let another man sleep under your roof.

The only woman in town who’d dared divorce her husband was Carmen Dolan and there was no where in town she went where people didn’t whisper about her; at the store, in church, and even on the sidewalks. It didn’t matter that her husband was sneaking around or that he was little better than Roy in his manners. It was a small place and people had too much time to talk.

Well, how many friends did you have there? Noreen couldn’t be called as much and all the girls you knew in school were married and too busy to keep up those old teenage ties. You could bide them at the sewing circles, they never were very nice, and you went to church out of obligation not out of a need for that ridiculous shallow socializing of housewives. Besides, you’d failed at all that, hadn’t you?

Then you began to worry. What if Roy flipped and hurt Arvin? Or Arvin hurt him? The suitcase would hardly be taken with a thanks. If Roy was ashamed enough he might just grumble and ignore the other man for the rest of the day, but if he wasn’t, he might just pick up where they left off last night.

You were hanging out the washing when a faded old Chevrolet drove up the dusty drive. You squinted past the stiff jeans as it steered closer and the engine stopped. Arvin climbed out and jingled the keys as he went around the other side. He took out a paper bag and crossed the yard.

“How was your day?” he asked with a smile.

You stared, dumbfounded. How could he act so… normal?

“Wh--what happened with…” your voice trailed out and you unclipped a pair of his jeans.

“Roy? Oh, he took his things and tucked tail after lunch,” he scoffed, “he didn’t look too good. Probably didn’t feel good neither.”

You nodded and dropped the jeans into the basket and tucked the pegs into your pocket. He crinkled the paper bag and stopped you from reaching to the next pair.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

You shook your head and stepped back so that his hand fell from your arm.

“I know last night was-- hard. I only did what I had to, not anything I wanted to,” his brows drew together, “here.”

He held out the paper bag and you eyed it warily. You chewed your lip and he stepped closer.

“Please, it’s, uh, I want you to have it,” he said, “you deserve it and maybe it is an apology. I went a little far but… I don’t regret it. Roy got what was coming.”

You took the bag and he tucked his hands in his pockets. “You didn’t have to get me nothing,” you said.

“Like I said, I wanted to. You do all the hard work here,” he replied, “and I’ll finish this up.”

He reached up and took down the next pair of pants and put them in the basket with the rest. He moved down the line as you watched him, the bag under your arm. You didn’t move, just watched. You looked over at the Chevrolet and frowned.

“Where’d you get the car?” you asked.

“Used,” he said as he folded a shirt in half and dropped it into the basket, “they had it down at the shop for a while now and I told the boss to take out installments from my next few checks. He didn’t mind much, he ain’t been able to get rid of it. Some work to be done but--” He lifted the basket and neared you, “you didn’t look yet?”

“Inside,” you said, “I didn’t wanna just leave you out here with all that.”

You nodded to the laundry and he pointed you toward the house. He followed you up onto the porch and through the screen door. He stopped to slip off his shoes and continued on after you into the living room. You put the bag down on the end table and uncurled the top.

You pulled out the large square and held up the record. The man who stared back at you had sparkling blue eyes and black hair. Elvis Presley smiled as if it was all a funny joke.

“There’s more,” he said.

You set down the record against the arm of the couch and reached into the brown bag again. You pulled out the fabric and a finely tailored pink dress in the latest style unfolded before you. You stared as he neared and he took the bag from the table. He revealed the last piece from the bag and set them down on the carpet, a pair of brand new heels.

“Why did you do all this?” you shoved the dress at him, “I can’t accept it.”

“You can,” he stepped back, “and just so you know, I’ll be paying my rent to you direct now.”

He sidled past you and took the album from the couch. He went to the record player and slid the vinyl from the sleeve. He carefully placed it on the player and lined up the pin. He turned back to you and crossed the room. He pulled the dress from your hands and let it slump over the couch cushion.

“Do you know the shimmy? I could show you? It’s the new thing,” he said as he took your hand, “you just move your hips, bend your legs a little, keep your arms out like this.” He moved slowly at first as he drew you into the middle of the room, “just with me, to the rhythm.”

“I can’t,” you protested, “really, I’m not a dancer.”

“Me neither, but it’s fun,” he tugged on your hand, “come on.”

He sang out of tune as he kept his hips moving. You watched him and tried to copy him, hoping to placate him long enough that you could escape to the kitchen. The dress, the album, the dancing, it all felt so wrong.

As the song ended, he brought you close and wrapped you up and slowed down. He swayed you with him as the record kept spinning. His eyes clung to yours.

“He didn’t know what he had,” he said.

“Arvin, I gotta start supper,” you whispered as you pushed on him, “please.”

“I got you the new dress so we could go to the drive-in,” he kept you against him, “Friday night. You like Audrey Hepburn?”

“I… haven’t seen much of her,” you confessed, “Arvin, really, the ham--”

“He’s not coming back,” he released you reluctantly, “I told you. I told him.”

“He’s still my husband,” you crossed your arms and looked down.

“Is he? He never treated you like his wife.”

“It’s the law--”

“Divorce him. You’ll keep the house, it’s yours. Your daddy left it to you.”

“And do what? I can’t afford it on my own--”

“You got me.”

“You won’t stay here forever,” you uttered.

He didn’t say anything and narrowed his eyes. He shrugged and turned away. “You have options and Roy is the wrong one,” he said, “you can’t hate yourself that much.”

You barely heard him and didn’t know how to respond. So you didn’t and left him to Elvis’ soft tones as you went to pull out the honey ham. You still had some of your sweet mustard left in that jar from last year or maybe the apple sauce. It was easier to focus on the food and not the madness of men.

🚬

The nights and days drifted by like sand in a glass. Whenever Arvin was there, even when he was in the attic and you were below, you were painfully aware that it was only the two of you in that big house. You weren’t afraid for yourself really, he hadn’t done anything to you. You should hate Roy for how he’d been to you all those years but you didn’t want to be the reason he got hurt.

But as the time went by, it was also harder to tell Arvin no. You never thought anyone could be overly helpful, especially after Roy’s indifference, but you were overwhelmed by his presence. He was always lurking around when you least expected, watching you, waiting. He always offered to finish the chore or kept you from doing it entirely. You should be thankful but it made you feel more guilty than anything.

When Friday came, you carried on your usual routine. You were mopping when the Chevrolet pulled up. He’d spent the night before with his head under the hood. He said it wasn’t too bad for the price and the repairs were minimal and none so urgent.

The car door closed then his steps walked up onto the porch. As he entered the house, you hit the mop against the wall and kept your head down, swiping back and forth against the wood. He didn’t dare to step past the threshold and mess your clean floors.

“You should finish up and get ready,” he said.

You looked up at him and feigned ignorance. You hoped all day he would forget about the movie. You didn’t want to wear the dress, it made your wedding ring chafe just to think of it. You focused again on the mop and kept back stepping away from him.

“Maybe not tonight, Arvin,” you said, “I’m tired.”

“You don’t have to work yourself sick,” he leaned against the doorframe, “really. You can always just take a day and… relax.”

You put the mop in the bucket and rested it against the wall. You took a deep breath but didn’t look at him.

“I don’t think we should go at all.”

He sighed and rubbed his cheek, “Really? Roy hasn’t even tried to come back. Hasn’t even tried to apologise. In all these years, did he ever once say sorry to you for anything?”

“Maybe not but I married him. I made that decision and I have to see it through.”

“Not like that,” he tutted, “besides, it’s just a movie…”

“Just a movie,” you repeated and walked over the drying floor, “alright then.”

He watched you and the thoughts wrinkled on his forehead. He let you go as you grabbed the railing and ascended the stairs. You felt his eyes on you, even after you turned down the hall, as if he could see you through the walls.

“We got time,” he called up, “no rush. It’s not even close to dark but I don’t want you to worry about… all this.”

You didn’t reply and closed the bedroom door. You sat on the end of your bed and clasped your hands. You still felt terribly trapped. You didn’t think so much of what Roy would say, he always said the worst. You thought about your father and how disappointed he would be. You knew he wouldn’t have let Roy treat you so bad if he was still alive, but he would still be sad if he knew how it all worked out.

🚬

You hadn’t been to the drive-in since you were going steady with Roy. It was a singular occasion and an unpleasant one. He got drunk and couldn’t drive home so you had to get behind the wheel and pray you didn’t crash. It wasn’t that you couldn’t drive, you just hated it. Thinking of it then, you should have expected all that came after.

Arvin pulled in as the sky dimmed slowly and he left you to go to concession and grab popcorn. When he returned, he handed you a box of chocolates as he cradled the large paper bag of kernels. You thanked him and opened the box, distracting yourself with the chewy caramels covered in milk chocolate. You offered him some as you looked around and waited for the screen to flash into motion.

There were a few families among the patrons but mostly teenagers, couples and groups, rowdy as they impatiently hollered for the film to roll. You hadn’t heard of this one, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Arvin said he read about it in the paper and it was supposed to be a flick meant for ladies. He said he didn’t mind as he liked the actors.

When at last it was dark enough, the movie began and you set the box down on the seat and munched on a handful of popcorn out of courtesy. The credits began and you were quickly swept up into the life of Holly Golightly. You were almost agog to think that a woman could live like her. City life seemed so different, so free, so scary. And she didn’t let all those men rule her.

You felt Arvin slide closer to you and his arm snaked around your shoulders. You tensed as you focused on Hepburn’s waifish voice and offkey plucking of the ukulele. You tried to ignore him as you felt his warm breath and the kiss on your temple made you wince. Your eyes flicked over to the car on the other side of you, then the next. The audience was rapt.

His hand grazed along your skirt and he kissed your cheek. Your heart raced wildly. You wanted to stop him but didn’t know how. And he was so sweet and he did so much for you. He’d brought you all the way here and kept Roy from cracking your head open. Could you really say no?

“I know I said it already,” his hand lingered on the pink fabric, “but this looks wonderful on you.”

“Thank you,” you whispered as you kept your wide eyes on the screen.

“Really, you’re beautiful, honey,” he purred as he nuzzled your throat, “living so close… it’s hard…”

He pushed his hand under your skirt and up between your thighs. He wiggled until you parted your legs and grabbed your chin with his other. He turned you to face him and crushed his lips against yours. He leaned on you until you were flat against the seat and he brought your legs up onto the leather as he held himself over you.

He kissed you even deeper as his fingers tickled over the front of your panties and crawled up to the top. He slipped his hand down the front of your underwear and you whimpered. When he touched you, you were afraid but confused. It felt good, better than anything you’d ever done with Roy.

You gulped and turned your head as you gasped. You grabbed his shoulder and shuddered. His fingers delved between your folds and swirled. You murmured and squeezed his arm.

“Please, I’m-- I’m still married, we can’t--”

He nibbled at your neck and blindly reached up to grab your hand. He gripped the ring on your finger and forced it off and flicked it away. It rolled under the seat as he rasped against your throat.

“He’s gone,” his fingers danced around your clit eagerly, “don’t you understand? I’ll make sure he doesn’t come back, honey.”

“Arvin, I--” you squeaked as the waves swelled and flowed down your legs and you were caught in the tide, “please…”

You closed your eyes, your mind stormed with how wrong it was but your body pulsed with delight. He pushed his fingers further back and the heel of his hand pressed to your bud. He curled his fingers inside of your and you moaned as he rested the weight of his pelvis against his hand. He rocked his touch in time with his hips, as if he was fucking you, and kissed you on the mouth again, swallowing up your desperate cries.

Your legs wrapped around his as you came and you tilted your pelvis as you rode the high. He lifted his head to watch you orgasm and your lashes fluttered as you succumbed to the ecstasy. You squirmed as he slowed his fingers and stilled his hand entirely. You were out of breath as he stopped at last but kept his hand nestled between your legs.

You covered your face with your shaky hand and exhaled deeply. He pulled your hand down and rubbed the tip of his nose against yours.

“I’ll buy you a new ring,” he purred, “a nicer one.”

#Arvin Russell #dark arvin russell #dark!arvin russell #arvin russell x reader #the devil all the time #Of something beautiful but annihilating #series #fic #dark!fic #dark fic

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emotions-ew · 3 years

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A Collection of Queer Country Artists and Songs for anyone who doesn’t feel like there’s country music they can relate to...

There is this idea that country music is like just Republican men singing about beer, and trucks and also Jesus, and that is kind of fair because loads of it is but there are some cool as hell queer/lgbtq+ country artists. Finding those and finding that representation in a genre of music I was literally raised on kind of changed my life in a tiny way and I wanted to share that.

(This is by no means a comprehensive list and also I’m basing the “Country” part of this sometimes on my subjective opinion/limited music knowledge so yuh please don’t hate me if I get some wrong)

Also link below for a Spotify playlist of my favourite gay/gayish country music, some mentioned in this post some not, (with a title that isn’t obviously gay for anyone who can’t openly listen to gay stuff on their public accounts for whatever reason) so feel free to skip the massive essay and just jump straight to that. And pretty please repost if I missed anyone/ any songs you love.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7KB6PmUxnpkU7lih8Bysvw

Artists To Follow:

Chely Wright

- Right off the bat, Chely Wright is a legend and I’m in love with her. So, in the 90′s Chely Wright was kind of a huge deal. She started her career as a singer/songwriter and released her first album in ‘94, which was critically acclaimed although never reached the commercial success of her later works. By ‘97 she was really hitting her stride, dropping her breakout hit “Shut up and Drive” (a personal favourite of mine) followed two years later by the biggest hit of her career “Single White Female”. Throughout all that Chely Wright was, to the world, a good old fashioned, heterosexual southern gal. Privately it was a bit of a different story. She had public relationships with male country artists, all while pursuing a secret decade long relationship with a woman.

I hadn’t ever really heard a Chely Wright song until a few years ago so I never knew about her music or career pre-coming out but I do know that even though by the time she came out in 2010 she was by no means at the height of her fame Chely Wright is kind of one of the biggest names in country music to be out and proud (in my opinion) and I love her like an insane amount. I literally play her music in my car when I have passengers just so I can be like “fun fact this singer is actually gay-” and then subject them to a lengthy explanation of her entire career. She came out with an album and a memoir and the album is my favourite of her work because it’s so fucking raw and because I relate to most of it immensely. Anyways Chely Wright went fucking through it in her journey to being her authentic self and now she’s out and proud and married to a woman and they have a family together and I’m a fucking sucker for a happy ending and y’all should add her to every playlist you have. And on top of that her music is genuinely good. Coming out undoubtedly damaged her career but I think that

Brandi Carlile

- As far as I can tell Brandi Carlile has been out her whole career. I feel like this list is just going to be me saying “I’m in love with her” about a bunch of women old enough to be my mother but in my defence, I am honestly in love with her. She’s been making music since she was like, seventeen, and has had a bunch of massive hits, as a singer, songwriter, and producer. If you want to cry kind of happy tears listen to her performance of “Bring my Flowers Now” with Tanya Tucker. She’s won Grammy’s and CMT awards and she’s done it all as an out Queer woman. She’s also a founding member of The Highwomen, an all-female country music group who released their first album in 2019, comprised of Carlile, Marren Morris, Natalie Hemby and Amanda Shires. I really love this band because they’re four artists who are immensely successfully in their own right collabing, much like the Highwaymen, and their music is phenomenal while also being a fuck you to mainstream country music and their inability to properly represent women in country music spaces.

She’s been married to a woman (smoking hot and also brilliant) since 2012 and they have two kids together and if you want to cry (again) then you have to listen to her song “Mother” about her eldest daughter. A queer country artist absolutely worth adding to all your playlists.

Brooke Eden

- As I understand it Eden came out publicly in January of this year. She’s engaged to Hilary Hoover, who she’s been dating since 2015 apparently. I can’t even imagine the pressure that must be on a person and how stressful it would be to keep a relationship secret from the whole world for years and personally I think they’re a cute as hell couple and I wish them literally all the happiness in the world.

Brooke Eden has a few older songs that I think are really good, my favourite being “Act Like You Don’t”, and while her new stuff isn’t my usual country vibe I am a sucker for literally anything gay and it is legally my gay duty to stream any song that she releases to support my fellow queer. It’s quite different to anything Wright or Carlile sing but I actually kind of love that because it shows that country music of all different shapes and sizes and styles can be sung by queer artists.

Amythyst Kiah

- Okay so I am a very new listener to Amythyst Kiah, but her music is literally so beautiful it would be a straight up sin to not include her on this list. Her music is country-blues-roots esq (more roots than country, I think?) and her voice is so unique. She grew up in Chattanooga and has been playing music since childhood. She recently made her Opry debut which is fucking awesome. She also belongs to a band called Our Native Daughters, described as “A supergroup of Black women in traditional music”. Their debut album “Songs of Our Native Daughters” did numbers and I haven’t listened to the whole thing but my favourite so far are “Black Myself” and “I Knew I Could Fly” so y’all add that to your playlists along with “Wild Turkey” by Amythyst Kiah because holy hell her voice on that will blow your mind.

Steve Grand

- The first man to make this list, he should frankly be honoured. Grand has been an out and proud gay man making country music since like 2013, and I have so much respect for an artist who chose to simply never be in, choosing instead to simply write gay ass songs about being in love with men and letting the chips fall where they man. His music is always going to have a special place in my heart and, he’s cute so if you’re into men and music by men give him a google. add him to your playlists, his All-American Boy album is literally just a dozen songs that are perfect to yell-sing along to.

Katie Pruitt

- Not hugely knowledgeable on Katie Pruitt but her music makes me feel crazy intense emotions and is absolutely gay

Honorable Mention Artists I haven’t Really Listened to But Who I Know to be gay thanks to google and might be your thing so totally check them out:

Brandy Clark

Ty Herndon

Shelly Fairchild

Lavendar Country

Trixie Mattel

Cameron Hawthorn

Drop any other names of artists or songs you know of

Specific Songs That Make Me Fucking Cry or (in good and bad ways (but always in a gay way)) or basically are just gay as hell:

If She Ever Leaves Me; The Highwomen

- So, this album came out about a week before my first (and only) girlfriend broke up with me. The general gist of the song is a woman singing about how her loved isn’t ever going to leave her but if she does it sure as hell won’t be for a creepy man in a bar. A little ironic that I felt I related to it so intensely, considering she did in fact leave me. There’s this one lyric that goes “I’ve loved her in secret/I’ve lover here out loud/the sky hasn’t always been blue” and my girlfriend and I were crazy deep in the closet so I drew her a cute little picture of a grey cloud and on the back I wrote that lyric and I gave it to her and to me it was kind of a promise that one day I’d get a chance to love her out loud and even though I never actually did this song is forever going to make me cry because of the little bit of hope that lyric gave me and the way it’s inclusion on this overwhelmingly mainstream country album made me feel like acceptance was just that little bit closer.

All American Boy; Steve Grand

- Definitely one of the first gay country songs I ever heard, and Steve Grand didn’t once sacrifice a scrap of country for the gay. It’s beautiful, it’s a little sad, it’s hopeful. It’s forever going to hold a special place in my heart and the music videos is kind of one of my favourites ever. I found this song before I found myself and the way it made my heart warm should have been a stronger sign than I took it to be.

Like Me; Chely Wright

- When you love someone you kind of make it your mission to know them in a way that no one else can. This song by Chely Wright is sort of an ode to that, and how even once you lost someone, you’re still going to know every little thing about them. On top of that it sort of speaks to the idea that all these things Wright learned about this woman, she learned in secret and she knew her and loved her in secret and now that they’re gone from each other she’s left with all of this knowledge and all of these questions and no one to answer them. I love the way it’s so slow and the melody and her voice, the way it’s low and a little raspy, make this one of my favourite Chely Wright songs.

The Mother; Brandi Carlile

- Sorry but a song about being a mother by a queer woman is going to make me cry every time and actually I’m not that sorry. It’s quite a simple song, if any song written by Brandi Carlile can ever be described as ‘simple’, it’s an ode to her daughter. My favourite line is “you are not an accident/where no one thought it through” because it speaks to the fact that in order for queer women to have a kid together they have to want it so damn bad and also I just like the way her voice sounds on that line. This song is also the perfect thing to listen to if you ever for a second feel like being gay/queer is going to stand in the way of you having a family because it absolutely doesn’t have to and if that’s something you want, you can have it. Don’t let people try and convince you otherwise.

Loving Her; Katie Pruitt

- Unapologetic gay love. Opening a song with “If loving hers a sin, I don’t wanna go to heaven” is a fucking baller move and she went there. The lyrics are beautiful, and her voice is phenomenal. It could be a sad song, about confronting religious repression and grappling with what that means for your love, but instead its triumphant. Katie Pruitt doesn’t give a fuck if you have a problem because she’s going to write songs for her lover.

Jesus From Texas; Semler

- Not actually totally sure this is a country song, but it has the words ‘Jesus’ and ‘Texas’ in the title so I feel safe including it in this list. Honestly, I don’t really know why I relate so hard to this song. Like, I wasn’t really raised with religion, so I don’t know what it is about this funky little tune that makes me want to sob but there’s something about this tune that makes me want to do whatever the opposite of get up and dance is, but like, in a good way.

Lovin’ Again; Steve Grand

- Breakup song that ends kind of positively? So good to sing along to at high, high volumes. The idea that losing someone doesn’t have to mean losing yourself and just because you can’t love them doesn’t mean you’re not ever going to love again. But also kind of about how it’s hard to get over someone, I don’t know it’s just good.

Cryin’ These Cocksucking Tears; Lavender Country

- Jesus christ if this isn’t the coolest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. Sorry but a gay country group formed in 1972 who dropped possibly the first gay themed country album, and this was the title of one of the songs. God I am in love.

Songs that (to me) are a little fruity or that I just relate to in a gay way:

Picket Fences; Chely Wright

- Chely Wright is gay but this song came out long before she did and when she wrote it, it wasn’t supposed to be gay which is why it’s in this section and not the previous. The reason it’s included at all is because frankly ma’am, Mrs Wright, it’s a little fruity. And I feel a little bad for joking because honestly to me, the way I hear this song and knowing the context (that Wright was deeply closeted at the time she wrote and released it), it’s kind of just sad. The general gist of the song is Wright asking what’s so great about a traditional lifestyle anyways. It could be read as a woman genuinely questioning why we push that expectation that she’ll have two kids and a husband and a picket fence lifestyle, or even could be read as a woman who’s trying to deflect how much she does in fact want that, you have to listen and form your own opinion. But to me, it feels like a woman who’s desperately trying to justify why she doesn’t want that life not because she can’t have it, but she knows it will never be right for her. I don’t know it’s hard to explain I just feel like this song is a little bit gay even though I’m sure she didn’t intend that.

Sinning with You; Sam Hunt

- Sorry but this song is gay. Sorry but you can’t write the lines “I never felt like I was sinning with you/Always felt like I could talk to God in the morning” and “if it’s so wrong why did it feel so right” and “But I never felt shame, never felt sorry/Never felt guilty touching your body” and not to mention the opening line of “raised in the first pew/praises for yeshua/case of a small town repression”, and expect to not sit in my car sobbing as I realised that while I never felt like what we did was a sin she absolutely did, and wishing I could have told her that I was sorry for making her carry the weight of both our souls but also that it wasn’t a sin and nothing in the world could feel that good and be that bad and it isn’t right that she had to be so ashamed of something that was just so good. Sam Hunt actually said after he wrote the song that while it was reflection on his own relationship with faith he genuinely hopes that people in the lgbtq community can like find comfort or whatever in his words and like go off king, we stan an ally.

How do I Get There; Deana Carter

- This ones easy, it’s about falling in love with your best friend and suddenly realising you want more than just friendship with them. Sorry Deana, that’s gay. In my Deana Carter of like Year 10 I played this song on repeat and screamed along to the lyrics as though singing it hard enough would make her like me back.

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knjoodles · 4 years

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learn to love; jungkook | 03

pairing: teacher!jungkook x singleparent!reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 3.8k

summary: raising your daughter alone while simultaneously watching your ex-husband live the life of his dreams away from the two of you hurts. badly. it hurts a little less, though, when you find an unlikely friend while looking for help.

lowercase intended

01 | 02 | 04

after dropping seyoung to her school, you sat in your car contemplating what had just happened, running your hands over the leather of your wheel. you thought it was inappropriate to be this interested in your daughter’s teacher. he was objectively handsome, his striking eyebrows and gentle dimples key features of his face. his body, well, he was lean and fit, standing taller than you with toned arms and legs. it was obvious he took care of himself very well and, from how organized the classroom was, that he was very attentive in nearly every aspect of his life. maybe it wasn’t necessarily the things you saw on the surface but what you learned from his habits that drew you to him.

it wasn’t as if you were head over heels in love with this man. you knew what that felt like with hoseok, and this feeling? it wasn’t that. but, that didn’t stop you from giggling like a little girl in excitement over the image of his heaven-perfected facial features flashing in your mind.

thankful that some of your team members, like you, are also parents, you were relieved when they assured you it was alright that you’d arrive later to drop off your daughter. pulling up to the front of bighit’s shockingly large headquarters, you left your car, adjusting the bag hanging off your shoulder as you stepped in.

your friendly coworkers greeted you kindly, waving and beaming at you. though you weren’t very social, your name flew around quite often in the workplace. your huge achievements and resilient aura while simultaneously being a single mother are what made you so popular without you even trying. your coworkers admired just how much shit you persisted through to get where you are today. you’re a tough lady, and you’re proud that it’s well known. “(y/n!)” a familiar voice sung, making you turn your head. you found a frantically waving sooyoung in front of you, dangling out of a conference room. “bang pd’s having an exec. meeting in our usual room. guess what? we have a new album to produce!” she danced as you approached her, visibly excited at this news. park sooyoung, your partner in crime.

even though she was two years your junior, sooyoung had been with you through almost everything. anything that currently affected you, sooyoung knew about. the two of you were joint at the hip during college, as the two of you shared the idea of naïve students to join a sorority. once you both realized how shitty it could be, you broke the ‘girl pact’ and left, renting an apartment together. from bonding over how much you hated the attitude of an idol to laughing over soju and ramen, you’d never give up a second you spent with her. she was the only constant in your entire life at this point, the only independent variable. your relationship with her never faltered, it only grew and grew so much that it’s as if your love for her is essentially etched into your heart. she’d helped you plan the wedding, plan for seyoung, file for divorce. she was your shoulder to cry on, your great escape. you could find no one quite like her who’d help you like she did. her broad, welcoming smile and simple beauty was a refresher from the caked makeup of idols wandering the hallways, just as unhappy with their look as your eyes were from having to see it. “sooyoung!” you waved back, following her inside the conference room and shutting the door behind you. sitting down at the desk labeled yours, you sat at the head seat, projector clicking on behind you. your team members surrounded you: sooyoung, yunho, euijin, namjoon, and jinah.

“alright, cap’n!” yunho exclaimed, twisting on his swivel chair, fingers drumming his laptop’s keyboard. “what’s the plan? we’ve got a couple of unused demos from clc’s old albums we can freshen up and reuse for loona’s comeback! may i?” he suggested. at your nod of approval, he screen-shared his laptop screen to the projector, important tabs being dragged into view.

“great.” you smiled, pulling your laptop from its case. “yunho, leave those up there. those are all the tracks we have for the album, correct? first, i’d like to thank all of you for bringing together your top demos. after listening to your tracks, i know for a fact that we all took bang pd’s enthusiasm for the transferred girl group very seriously, and i appreciate that. second, i have made the final cuts after consulting your votes, and we’ve concluded that so what, hash, number one, oh yes i am, ding ding dong and three six five will remain on the album. one of every one of our songs has made it onto the album. congratulations! now, about logistics,” you started, your excitement for an upcoming album clouding all other thoughts. when you went to work, surprisingly enough, it felt as if you were on vacation, as if you were doing something right again. passion pumped through your veins once more, captivating the rest of your team. it was go time.

“fuck, you did it again, (y/n). great work.” namjoon sighed, shaking your hand as he rose from his seat. “i can’t believe we got this much done in such a small amount of time. i could’ve gone way longer, it’s a shame we had to cut it short.”

“i know!” jinah chimed in agreement, gathering her things. “i couldn’t handle a second of what you do every day, (y/n). you’re amazing.”

“no, you can,” you denied, correcting the both of them. “if you’re on this board of what, six people? it means you’re one of the most hardworking, competent, and passionate producers bighit has ever hired, to the point where you’re one of the heads of operations. you could all handle what i do, that’s mainly why i chose you to lead your respective sectors.” you chuckled, pulling your bag onto your shoulder. “and, i wish we could go longer, too. i have a parent meeting with my daughter’s teacher, so that’s the reason why you’ll all be sleeping early tonight.” you joked, earning a hearty laugh from your colleagues. you waved goodbye to each of your teammates, wishing them a good night and a safe drive the way you always did. this left you and sooyoung, babbling just like you did when you were younger.

“hey, you going anywhere tonight?” sooyoung asked, heels clicking on the marble floors.

“i mean, i have the meeting with seyoung’s teacher. did you forget already?” you chuckled, poking fun at her. “but no, i don’t have anywhere to go after that. what, did you want to come with me?” you raised an eyebrow and watched sooyoung’s face relax, obviously thankful that you brought it up instead of her.

“oh my god, yes,” she groaned, smiling. “my car’s being repaired and i don’t want to take an uber home. me, you, and seyoung can have a mommy-daughter-auntie night! please?” she gripped your hand, tugging it like a child.

“fine!” you laughed, pulling your hand away. “it would be good for seyoung to have someone while she waits for me to finish with her teacher. even though it’s fifteen minutes, she can get pretty bored and or antsy when she doesn’t have something to entertain herself with,” you thought aloud, knowing that because seyoung’s growing up, she’s more excitable and more curious about things. you silently thanked sooyoung from sparing you all the dramatic nightmares of a mother when she knows her child has to sit alone, without her. you invited sooyoung into the front seat of your car, her long legs slithering into place.

“have you met him already? my sister works at yooseong, she told me jungkook is new,” sooyoung explained, suddenly very invested in seyoung’s new teacher.

“well, i did meet him earlier today, but,” you paused, face contorting to a confused frown. “how the hell did you know he was teaching seyoung?” your eyes widened, your lips forming an astonished smile. “sooyoung!”

“i might’ve pulled some strings,” she raised her hands in defeat. “it’s just because i was curious about seyoung! my sister knows how close we are and how much i love seyoung, i practically begged her to tell me!” sooyoung confessed, voice rising practically three octaves. “but, seriously, how is he? is he a nice guy? he better be a nice guy,” sooyoung warned, fists balling. you loved how her personality towards friends contrasted heavily from the woman in the workplace. sooyoung working had an aura so intimidating and sharp she could cut, but sooyoung chatting had the aura of a big cuddle bear.

“he’s, well,” you started, trying to gather your words. you couldn’t say much about him, the two of you only had a two-minute conversation. “i don’t know a lot about him because, as i mentioned, we met this morning, but, sooyoung, do you know what he looks like?”

“no, i don’t.” she shrugged. “soojung only gave me his name. what, is he scary? does he not look like he’s supposed to be there?” sooyoung pandered you with questions, her eyes and tone full of concern.

“no, no!” you replied, shaking your free hand. “he looks fine. i just, well, i don’t know how to explain it. do you remember when we met hoseok at that party a long, long time ago?” you asked, earning a slow nod from her. “he reminds me of that hoseok. a bubbly, kind, caring, hoseok.” you paused and listened to the silence in the car, the traffic outside being the only thing preventing this conversation from being more awkward. “i... i don’t know,” you sighed, laughing at your strange thoughts. “i don’t even understand how that works! i met him for two fucking minutes and in those two minutes he managed to remind me of the one man i loved with all my heart?” you breathed heavily, recollecting yourself.

“hey, woah,” sooyoung cautioned, rubbing a hand your back. “don’t make this teacher that personal for you. he’s not hoseok, he’s someone else, and if you keep associating him with that scum on earth you won’t ever have a good relationship with him. remember seyoung needs this, and so do you. seyoung first, and then you.” sooyoung’s hard-knock advice never failed to be your reality check. she’d always remind you of what was important so you wouldn’t get so caught up in your emotions. “i suggest you talk to him and get to know him, so you can see just how different he is from hoseok. i mean, if i had any kids, i wouldn’t let them near hoseok. he’d probably lock ‘em in a closet and sleep with his girlfriend for the thirtieth time in a row.” she rolled her eyes, slapping the dash of your car in anger. “i hate that guy. i know you don’t want me to hate him, but i do. i capital h, a, t, e him. hate.” she complained, folding her arms.

“no, i get it. if he wasn’t the father of my child, i’d hate him too.” you pulled into the driveway of the school, seeing students waddle off with their parents as the school day came to a close. you led sooyoung to seyoung’s third-grade classroom, the door now decorated with adorable mini paper handprints of each student, their name written in the center. in the lower right corner, you could see jungkook’s large handprint with ‘mr. jeon’ scribbled on it about twenty-six times, one for each student to write his name. you chuckled at how cute it was and opened the door, the room buzzing with excitement as parents came to collect their child.

“ah, ms. (y/n)!” jungkook’s head rose from the pile of homework on his desk to greet you. he stepped out of his chair and walked towards you and sooyoung, twisting his body to avoid the high-energy children.

“he knows your first name?!” sooyoung whisper-ashouted, awe-strucken.

“i almost told him my last name was jung! i wasn’t thinking, i just said the first thing that came to mind!” you whispered back, panicking that you were having this conversation as he made his way to you.

“you couldn’t remember your last name?” sooyoung retorted, utterly confused. “jesus, (y/n), seriously?”

“yes, seriously,” you responded as jungkook finally reached the two of you. “it’s nice to see you again, mr. jeon.” you shook his hand politely, smiling.

“it’s nice to see you, too!” he turns to sooyoung, squinting slightly. “i don’t believe we’ve met, but you look so familiar —“

“i’m soojung’s sister, sooyoung.” she smiled, waving.

“the famous soojung is your sister? of course!” he returned her friendly gaze, nodding. as you all chatted nicely a teacher entered the room, telling all children who haven’t been picked up yet to head to the cafeteria for extended care. “it’s nice to meet you. i do have a meeting with (y/n) at the moment, so may we please be excused?” jungkook, asked, adjusting his shirt.

“yeah, sooyoung, can you get seyoung? she hasn’t noticed we’re here yet,” you laughed, watching your daughter march happily out of the classroom. “seyoung!” you called. her head spun and her eyes widened when she caught sight of you, but her mouth twisted into an excited grin at the sight of sooyoung.

“sooyoung auntie!” seyoung exclaimed, running to give her a huge hug.

“hi, baby!” sooyoung pat her head affectionately, taking her hand. “i’ll take care of her. you guys get going!”

and so, after all the students had left, you sat down in front of jungkook’s desk as he tidied it up, moving large stacks of paper behind him. “i’m sorry i couldn’t have cleaned earlier,” he sighed, filing through cabinets and stuffing papers inside. “when you’re in charge of twenty-six kids at once, things don’t always end up getting done very quickly.” he joked, sitting at his desk.

“oh, tell me about it,” you replied, laughing. “seyoung’s quite a handful at home; she’s full of beans!” you pulled out a small notebook from your purse, wanting to make sure you'd jot down everything down from this meeting.

“i can tell! she’s very excited in class and has shown just how enthusiastic she is about the tangerine points.” he chuckled, motioning to the large counter scribbled on the corner of the whiteboard, dedicated to tangerine points. “but, today, we’re just going to talk logistics, what i should know about your child, what i should know about you, and anything else you see important. i wanted to talk about seyoung first, but, if there’s something you wanted to open with, we can start there?” he asked, opening a desk drawer and pulling out a file labeled ‘seyoung’.

“oh, no, this meeting is about seyoung, so it’s appropriate we start with her.” you tittered, earning a laugh from the man across from you.

“you’re funny!” he smiled, opening the file. “well, this is seyoung’s file; it has her records from kindergarten to second grade, her personal information, and any notes other teachers have made regarding her and her performance. i looked over it before our meeting, and may i just say, great job, (y/n). your daughter is amazing, she shines particularly well. she has a lot of potential, and you seem to have unlocked it in her early years! congratulations on that.” he nodded at your smiling face, turning pages of the contents of the file. “i did want to mention that, even though she does very well, seyoung is very talkative in class. not to the point where she disturbs class time, but enough for me to mention it to you. do you understand what i mean?” he asked, motioning towards you.

you looked up from your notebook, finishing a sentence. “yes, of course.” you nodded. “is there anything you wanted me to do about this, like talk to her at home?”

“i think that’d be the best move, just telling her that class time is for work, and recess is for play. i told her today that i needed her to listen more in class, and she assured me she’d do exactly that!” he smiled. “i’ll wait until tomorrow to further contact you about this because i’m pretty sure she’ll listen to me. i also wanted to discuss her emergency contacts? the school was going to call you about this, but once they heard we’ve scheduled a meeting, they asked me to discuss it with you.”

“of course,” you replied, very confused. you closed your notebook, palm resting on top of it, pen in hand. “go on?”

“after you, we have park sooyoung, kang seulgi, and her father, jung hoseok. we’d called mr. jung a couple days ago for annual information verification and a woman picked up. once we asked for him, they told us we couldn’t have his information and hung up. is the number written correctly? we want to make sure all information is up to date.”

you sighed, angry at how you knew exactly who picked up the phone and how she has no filter when it comes to her personality. “the information i put on seyoung’s documents is up to date, that’s just his partner.”

“oh, i see,” jungkook muttered, afraid he may have pushed a button. “i’ll let the office know, and we’ll try to contact him again. my dearest apologies for bothering.”

“it’s fine,” you waved your hand, smiling bitterly. “you’re just doing your job! but, anyway, is there anything else about seyoung? i know the school year has just begun, so there may not be much from your end just yet, but i’m glad you can see just how gifted seyoung is. she’s my pride and joy.”

“i’m glad she has a supportive family,” he smiled, adjusting the papers within the file and closing it, tucking it back into its respective folder. “that’s very important in a child’s life.” he stood up from his chair, prompting you to do the same. “i’m glad we could have this talk, ms. (y/n). we can call this a success!” he shook your hand firmly, smiling brightly. after gathering his things he led you outside of the classroom, presumably walking you to the front. “i’ve heard of your work for these big k-pop groups. i almost trained to be in one myself, but i ended up going to college and becoming a teacher.”

“that’s so interesting! did you get accepted?” you gazed at him in surprise. he had the looks and charisma to be a famous idol.

“i did! i was accepted to many, many companies, but i couldn’t leave my parents at home, so i stayed.” he explained, smiling. “it was my dream to perform, up until i got my teaching degree. i love these little ones, and i love what i do. i don’t know if performing could give me even the slightest bit of happiness that seeing bright, young minds every day offers me.”

“that’s such an interesting story. it’s very respectable, your love for teaching. i appreciate it, deeply.” you replied, opening the door of the school for him after he finished checking out. “thank you for this!” you shook his hand one more time, this time, with confidence.

“no, (y/n), thank you.” he smiled, his eyes locking with yours.

the two of you went your separate ways, him to his car in the teachers’ designated parking lot, and you to your car, where you saw sooyoung texting on her phone and seyoung snoozing away in her car seat. “what the heck happened to seyoung?” you asked, startling sooyoung with the sudden opening of the car door. she scowled at you, slapping your arm.

“(y/n), if i didn’t love you, you’d be dead meat.” sooyoung turned her head and glanced at seyoung’s sleeping form, her head resting against the cushion of her car seat. “we talked for a little bit, but she was just so tired that she dozed off the moment i started playing some music. it’s okay, though, that means we’ll have some silence on the way back.” she smiled, buckling herself in. “how’d it go?”

“how’d it go?” you repeated as you pulled out of the driveway, spotting jungkook getting into his car from your rearview mirror. “well, it went pretty well, i’d say. he told me about how seyoung’s a gifted child and we went over some database things as well.”

“of course he told you she’s gifted! what have i been telling you ever since she was born? this girl is going to grow up and become president.” sooyoung whined, squeezing your free hand briskly. “what about him?” she asked, shaking her shoulders.

“jungkook? what about him?” you asked, stretching your neck to eye the exit you needed to take.

“everything! he’s more good looking than i ever imagined him to be; is he single?” she exclaimed, making you almost break right in the middle of the highway.

“is he single?” you sputtered, face reddening. “how would i know something like that? his love life has nothing to do with seyoung’s performance in school!”

“i don’t know, i just saw the two of you standing next to each other and i knew it could work out! i mean, two attractive people with a perfect height difference and similar interests? how can that not spell out love to you?” sooyoung snorted, grinning.

“oh, no, sooyoung,” you warned, shaking your head. “do not try to play matchmaker with me again. you remember what it was like when i met that weirdo, yugyeom, through you? are you serious?”

“come on, he was nice! he paid for dinner!” she defended.

“no, i paid for dinner, he told me about his life story on the first date. never again will I ever trust you to match me with someone else.” you corrected her, the two of you laughing at the absurdity of that night.

“it was one time!” she cackled in between breaths. no matter what it was, sooyoung could always make you burst out into hilarious laughter. “but, you didn’t answer my question. is. he. single?”

you paused, glancing to the side. “he doesn’t have a ring—”

“he doesn’t have a ring!” she exclaimed, shaking her fists in excitement. “no ring, no problem!”

“hey, that doesn’t mean he’s not seeing someone! i mean, have you seen him, sooyoung? look at him! he probably has thousands of people in his messages asking for dates.” you groaned, realizing that if you did want to start something with him, you’d probably have no chance.

“yeah, (y/n), i did see him.” she replied, looking at you. “i was looking at him, and the whole time, he was looking at you.”

—

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tillidontneedfantasy · 4 years

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A Track-by-Track Breakdown of Taylor Swift’s 8th Studio Album: ‘folklore’

Taylor Swift’s 8th studio album, folklore, starts off with the lie, “I’m on some new shit.” Perhaps to someone who hasn’t been paying attention this would seem to be true. But to those listening, folklore is the essence of her skill and success throughout her entire career stripped down for all to see, but more refined, enhanced, and impressive than ever.

Even prior to her pop-world domination with 1989 (2014), Taylor’s storytelling ability has always been her most compelling strength as a writer. In 2010, she released her third album, Speak Now, penned fully solo to prove to the cynics that she does, in fact, write her own music. And it’s damn good. Widely considered her best song, “All Too Well” from Red (2012) is a five and a half minute epic about love had and lost, all in walks through autumn trees, almost running red lights, dancing round the kitchen, and a scarf reminiscent of innocence, unreturned.

Yet her pop prowess over the last six years perhaps leads to her storytelling being overlooked to those more focused on the music. There is a particular genius in writing a successful pop song, let alone three successful pop albums, that still has hard-hitting lyrics underneath the synth. Take the excellent “Cruel Summer” from Lover (2019) for example. The song is just under 3 minutes, and the production is so enthralling and infectious that it can take such a hold on you, you might miss the tale being told along with it about a fraught summer relationship that was actually just the beginning of her own love story.

But without the pop production, her stories on folklore demand attention. Swept up by a strong wave of creativity and inspiration, Swift secretly wrote and produced this album in around three months with Aaron Dessner of The National, one of Swift’s favorite bands, and long-time collaborator and friend Jack Antonoff. A surprise album is a new endeavor for Swift, as she generally spends months meticulously planning an album rollout. It is refreshing, and as a dedicated, long-time fan of Taylor, it is thrilling. Due to the album cover where she is standing in the woods, and the genre of the album itself, there have been think pieces regarding the “man in the woods” trope and what it means that Taylor seems to be embodying it. As a result of over-exposure, people are unable to stop focusing on her image and the way she presents herself. It’s understandable, as she is a very smart and deliberate businesswoman, and clearly cares about how she is perceived. But with this album, it is clear that none of that was at play. We are in the middle of a pandemic. Her mother has been battling cancer for years. Isolate a creative person in a dangerous world and they will dream up an escape. She understands more than ever how precious each moment is, and does not want to waste another one. The woods being the landscape for the photo-shoot is most likely attributed to the fact that it is the safest place to have one under these circumstances. She’s not pretending she removed herself from society and became enlightened, she didn’t dabble into a more alternative sound to prove anything; she is just sharing stories she wants to tell that she is proud of, and nothing more.

Of course the music of the album is important, but the lyrics are the heart of it all, and I wanted to focus on them. Upon its release, Taylor explained in a foreword that the album was a mixture of personal and fictional accounts. The beauty of stories is that once they are shared, they never live one single life; each person who consumes a story interprets it uniquely, and the story becomes a multiverse, with different meanings and outcomes than what initially drove the pen to the paper. As explained by Swift in a YouTube comment prior to the album’s release, three songs on the album are all one story, which she has dubbed “the teenage love triangle.” The three points of the triangle are “cardigan,” “august,” and “betty.” But if someone had not seen her say that, they might not have figured it out. Maybe they’d interpret each song as their own story, and connect it to their own. Taylor knows this. It is why she loves storytelling and is why she is so good at it. The album itself is a mirror ball, shimmering with every version of the stories being told, reflecting a bit of each person who listens. These are my interpretations, but they can mean whatever you make of them.

1. the 1 The melody of this song helps set the scene; picture yourself skipping rocks on a lake, reminiscing on the one that got away. “the 1” is about learning to assimilate into a life without them, resentfully accepting that they might be moving on, too. She ruminates on what went wrong and what could have been. In a very Swift fashion, she puts the blame on herself when she sings, “in my defense, I have none / for digging up the grave another time.” Perhaps this song is fictional, perhaps it’s a revisit of a past feeling or relationship, but its relatability makes it feel real and present. She searches for explanations, restraining herself from asking, “if one thing had been different, would everything be different today?” But it’s good she didn’t ask, because she’d never find the answer, anyway. Best lyric: “We never painted by the numbers, baby, but we were making it count / You know the greatest loves of all time are over now.”

2. cardigan (teenage love triangle, part 1: betty’s perspective) “When you are young they assume you know nothing,” Swift sings in her smooth low-register on this Lana del Rey-esque single. “But I knew everything when I was young,” she asserts. They say wisdom comes with age, but there is wisdom lost, too, of what it felt like to be young; but she has held onto it. In this track, the narrator (Betty) is looking back on her relationship with someone she once loved (James, as name-dropped in “betty” later on in the album). Her insight on his character was always spot on; she knew he’d try to kiss it better, change the ending, miss her once the thrill expired and come back, begging for her forgiveness in her front porch light. As soon as she was feeling forgotten, he made her feel wanted, his favorite. The ending in question is unclear, whether she granted him her forgiveness or not. But what is clear is Taylor’s understanding of the pull of young love, the intensity, the immortalization of all the smallest of details, the longing to be someone’s favorite. It’s why we look back on it so often, read stories and watch films about it, even as we grow old. It’s the cardigan we put back on when we want to be Peter Pan and remember what it was like to fly with Wendy. Best lyric: “You drew stars around my scars / but now I’m bleeding.”

3. the last great american dynasty The story of Rebekah Harkness and her destruction of the last great American dynasty, Standard Oil, is documented in this track, as each verse covers a different part of Rebekah’s life, going from a middle class divorcee to one of the wealthiest women in America by marrying into an empire. Swift paints Rebekah as an outcast, the Rhode Island town blaming her for her husband’s heart giving out. Rebekah used her inherited fortune on her ballet company, throwing lavish parties with her friends who went by the “Bitch Pack,” playing cards with Dali (Yes, as in Salvador Dali. It’s not clear if they actually played cards together, but her ashes were placed in an urn designed by him), and feuding with her neighbors. Then, fifty years later, Taylor Swift bought that very house and ruined the neighborhood all over again, bringing with her the triumphant return of champagne pool parties and women with madness, their men and bad habits. It’s a note on how women will be blamed for tarnishing what is sacred to men rather than celebrated, specifically when its related to wealth and power. They will call them mad, shameless, loud. But just like Rebekah, Taylor learned to pay them no mind, and just have a marvelous time. It is also interesting to note that Rebekah went by Betty. Perhaps Taylor felt inspired by and connected to her and gave her a whole backstory, and thus the birth of “the teenage love triangle,” or maybe it’s just a coincidence; but that’s the fun of it all. Either way, this track is a standout showcase of how Swift has truly mastered her craft as a songwriter. Best lyric: “Holiday House sat quietly on that beach / free of women with madness, their men and bad habits / and then it was bought by me.”

4. exile ft. Bon Iver You know that feeling when your parents are fighting and it’s upsetting you but you can’t help but listen? That’s kind of what listening to this song feels like. Bon Iver’s Justin Vernon co-wrote the track, and he lends his gorgeous vocals to play a man who has been exiled by his ex who has moved on with someone else while he desperately tries to understand where it all went wrong. The bridge is particularly poignant, both proclaiming, “you didn’t even hear me out,” while talking over each other. He thinks he was expected to read her mind, but she is adamant that she gave him plenty of warning signs. Miscommunication is one of the most common downfalls of a relationship, and the emotion in Swift’s and Vernon’s voices really draws you into the argument with them, transporting you back into your own exile from people you once called home. Best lyric: “I couldn’t turn things around / (You never turned things around) / ‘cause you never gave a warning sign / (I gave so many signs.)”

5. my tears ricochet Taylor describes this song in the foreword as “an embittered tormentor showing up to the funeral of his fallen object of obsession.” If you know enough, you can put the pieces together that the tormentor is Scott Borchetta, the head of Big Machine Records, and the funeral is of their professional and personal relationship. Taylor was the first artist ever signed to Big Machine. Borchetta and Swift had to trust each other in their partnership for it to be a success, and oh, how it was. But prior to Lover’s release, Taylor announced that she would be signing to Republic Records as her contract with Big Machine had ended and Republic offered her the opportunity to own all of her masters moving forward and negotiate on Spotify shares for all their artists. It all could have ended amicably there, but then Scott Borchetta sold all of Big Machine, along with Taylor’s masters from every album prior, to Scooter Braun. Braun manages some of the biggest stars out there, and had previously managed Kanye West. Taylor publicly spoke out about this purchase, stating that she was not made aware of this before the announcement, and how much of a betrayal it was considering she had cried to Scott before about Scooter’s mistreatment of her. Taylor has continued to be vocal about this, and so she sings, “I didn’t have it in myself to go with grace.” There is a lot to unpack in this song, but the main takeaway is that this betrayal hurts him just as much if not more than it hurts her, because his career was built on her achievements. He buried her while decorated in her success, becoming what he swore he wouldn’t, erasing the good times for greed, all just to be haunted with regret for pushing her out and stealing her lullabies. The pain is palpable, and it is notable that this is song is placed at track 5, the spot generally reserved for the most vulnerable on the album; it shows that there are different types of heartbreak that can shatter you just as much as those from romance. Best lyric: “If I’m dead to you, why are you at the wake? / Cursing my name, wishing I stayed.”

6. mirrorball On Lover’s “The Archer,” Taylor expresses her anxiety over people seeing through her act, her own grief at seeing through it herself, wondering if her lover does and whether he would stay with her regardless. “mirrorball” is about the act, one of the more obviously confessional songs on the album. She talks about how a mirror ball can illuminate all the different versions of a person, while also reflecting the light to fit in with the scene. Taylor’s critical self-awareness is heart wrenching, and it’s clear that the anxiety that surrounds the public perception of her is still prevalent. She describes herself as a member of a circus, still on the tightrope and the trapeze even after everyone else has packed up and left, doing anything she can to keep the public’s attention. It hurts to hear the desperation in her voice, but there’s hope in the song, too. She is speaking to someone (we can assume her long-term boyfriend, Joe Alwyn) and thanking them for not being like “the regulars, the masquerade revelers drunk as they watch my shattered edges glisten.” In 2016, the height of Taylor’s fame and subsequently her farthest fall from grace, all the people who pretended to be her friends and attended all her parties celebrated her (temporary) demise, continuing to dance over her broken pieces on the floor. But he stayed by her side as she put herself back together. And so now, when no one is around, she’ll shine just for him, standing even taller than she does for the circus. Best lyric: “I’m still a believer, but I don’t know why / I’ve never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try / I’m still on that trapeze, I’m still trying everything / to keep you looking at me.”

7. seven Her voice gentle and haunting, Taylor recalls the freedom and innocence of her childhood in Pennsylvania. She asks to be remembered for how she was, swinging over the creek, before she learned civility when she would scream anytime she wanted, then letting out a very pretty one. She sings to her old friend soothingly about taking them away from their haunted house that their father is always shouting in, where they feel the need to hide in a closet, perhaps literally, or figuratively, or both. They can move into Taylor’s house instead, or maybe just to India, just be sure to pack their dolls and a sweater and then they’ll hit the road. She can no longer recall her friend’s face, but the love she had for them still lives in her heart, and she wants it to live forever through story. Just in the way that folklore itself blends reality and fiction, but the truth within it passes on, so will the purity of that love and friendship. Best lyric: “Please picture me in the weeds / before I learned civility / I used to scream ferociously / any time I wanted.”

8. august (teenage love triangle, part 2: the other girl’s perspective) If you had to assign the feeling of longing to a song, it’d be “august.” It’s when you’re teetering at the edge with someone, unsure of where you stand with them, clinging to anything they give you and doing anything just to raise your chances, “living for the hope of it all.” August, the last month of summer, its heat causing it to slip away the fastest in a haze before reality hits. This track is a display of how sometimes losing something you never had causes an even deeper ache than losing something that was yours, and Jack Antonoff’s signature production intensifies the emotion even more. It’s the story of shattered hope, and the longing for the days where it could still fuel you. Best lyric: “To live for the hope of it all / cancel plans just in case you’d call.”

9. this is me trying “this is me trying” is like a drive through a tunnel at night, hearing your loudest anxieties and insecurities echo all around you, caving in. The track is another apt insight into Swift’s struggles with her self-image, with the pressure she puts on herself, so much so that she sometimes pushes herself too close to the edge, her fears luring her out of the tunnel and down, down, down into her own cage, stunting her own growth and keeping those who care out of reach. She tells us how she was “so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere.” Every action has an equal, opposite reaction, meaning that she was pushing herself so hard, she rolled back to where she started, and now has to reset. This could be referring to the period between the end of the 1989 era and the release of reputation (2017), or a different time in her life, or just a general sentiment. It doesn’t really matter, though, because no one’s growth is a neat, straight line; growth is jagged. Just like any of us, Taylor will always have to face new obstacles, new pitfalls, new reasons to get back up. She sounds most vulnerable as she cries, “at least I’m trying,” and you feel comforted knowing someone so beautiful and successful has to push herself to try, too, and yet that motivates you more to try yourself. Best lyric: “They told me all of my cages were mental / so I got wasted, like all my potential.”

10. illicit affairs A quiet, slow-build testament of the passion, the tragedy, the secrecy, the inimitability of a romance that shouldn’t exist, “illicit affairs” demonstrates how you can ruin yourself for someone from just one moment of possibility or truth, quite like the narrator of “august” does for the hope of it all. An illicit affair can be many different things: infidelity, forbidden love, a love that can never be fully realized, a relationship that is inherently wrong but electrifying all the same. It’s a reminder of what so many of us would do just to see new colors, to learn a new language, even if the one moment of enlightenment destroys us forever. We might lose the iridescent glow but we don’t forget it; we carry it with us, but must be careful to remember its blinding effect, to remember how fatal the fall is from the dwindling, mercurial high. Best lyric: “Tell your friends you’re out for a run / you’ll be flushed when you return.”

11. invisible string Clearly the most outright autobiographical track, “invisible string” is the plucky pick-me-up needed. The song is like sunshine, as Swift endearingly links all the little connections between her and her boyfriend, Joe Alwyn, since before they even met. She compares the green grass at the Nashville park she’d sit at in hopes of a meet-cute to the teal of his yogurt shop uniform shirt, and gives a nod to her smash hit “Bad Blood” from 1989 with the delightful line “bad was the blood of the song in the cab on your first trip to LA.” She reasons these coincidences as a fateful, invisible, golden string tying them together since the beginning, always destined to meet at the knot in the middle. She thanks time for healing her, (a callback to “Fifteen” from Fearless [2008]), fighting through hell to make it to heaven, transforming her from an axe grinder to a gift giver for her ex’s baby (the ex in question, Joe Jonas, and his wife Sophie Turner, happened to have their first daughter two days before this album’s release). As she has on her previous two albums, she uses the color gold to illustrate how prized their love is to one another. It’s sweet to know in all the gloom that the string has not been severed, and the trees are still golden somewhere. Best lyric: “Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart / now I send their babies presents.”

12. mad woman Throughout her entire career, Taylor Swift has defiantly defended female rage, all the way back from throwing a chair off a platform on her Fearless Tour during the impassioned “Forever & Always,” to her patient, vengeful reliance on karma in reputation’s lead single, “Look What You Made Me Do,” to her most recent tackling of the matter on Lover’s last and final single, “The Man,” where she explores society’s acceptance and encouragement of angry men yet disdain for angry women. “The Man” is catchy and upbeat, and a fun thought experiment into how Swift’s career would be perceived if she was a man, something that is even more interesting to think about now as she releases an album in a genre heavily dominated and lauded by males. But on “mad woman,” she further explores the creation and perception of female rage, though masked under a smooth, haunting piano melody, her vocals subdued, taunting. In the album foreword, she describes the inspiration behind this song as “a misfit widow getting gleeful revenge on the town that cast her out.” This could be the continuation of Rebekah “Betty” Harkness’s story at her Holiday House in Watch Hill, RI, and how she further alienated herself from the rest of the neighborhood as they cast stones at her for the collapse of the last great American dynasty. (Or perhaps Daenerys Targaryen’s descent as the Mad Queen played a part in the song’s inspiration, as Swift has spoken of her love for Game of Thrones and her character specifically.) Taylor herself could also represent the widow, her music and masters as her love lost, and the men behind the crime as the “town that cast her out.” In the first verse she sings, “What do you sing on your drive home? / Do you see my face in the neighbor’s lawn? / Does she smile, or does she mouth ‘fuck you forever’?” It’s the first f-bomb of Taylor’s career (though a much more playful one will come two tracks later in “betty”) and it speaks volume. Taylor has received a lot of condemnation for expressing her anger at their transaction, for calling out their greed for what it is. Some view Swift’s stance on the ordeal as petty and trivial; they see the men as orchestrating a good business deal, and Swift as the girl throwing a tantrum. Ask any woman, and they can tell you about a time a man told them they were crazy for being justifiably angry; it only makes us angrier. “No one likes a mad woman,” Taylor states, “You made her like that.” Swift underscores that here, how they will poke and poke the bear but then blame it for attacking, as if they had never provoked it at all, and how dare it defend itself. Just as they blamed Rebekah for her husband’s heart giving out, they somehow manage to blame Swift for not being allowed to purchase the rights to her own work. And yes, she’s mad, but the song is measured and controlled; she’s used to her anger now, and knows just how to wield it. Best lyric: “Women like hunting witches, too / doing your dirtiest work for you / It’s obvious that wanting me dead has really brought you two together.”

13. epiphany This is another track Swift provided some background on, stating it was inspired by her “grandfather, Dean, landing at Guadalcanal in 1942” during WWII. The first verse paints this image, while the second verse depicts a different kind of war, happening right now, fought by doctors and nurses. She speaks of holding hands through plastic, and the escape folklore has granted you suddenly lifts. Watching someone’s daughter, or mother, or anyone suffer at the hands of the COVID-19 pandemic, just as watching a soldier bleed out, helpless, is too much to speak about. As she points out, they don’t teach you about that vicarious trauma in med school. We are living in a tireless world with barely any time time to rest our eyes, but too much going on while we’re awake to make sense of any of it. “epiphany” is a cinematic prayer, pleading for some quiet in order to find an answer in all the noise. We’re still waiting for that glimpse of relief. Best lyric: “Only twenty minutes to sleep / but you dream of some epiphany / Just one single glimpse of relief / to make some sense of what you’ve seen.”

14. betty (teenage love triangle, part 3: james’s perspective) It makes sense that a song reminiscent of Fearless would exemplify some of the best story-telling on folklore. The final puzzle piece of the teen love triangle, “betty” is a song sung by Swift from the perspective of the character of her own creation, James, attempting to win back his true love, Betty, who he slighted in some way. He proclaims that the worst thing he ever did is what he did to her, without explicitly stating it. Though the infamous deed is unclear, here’s the information we collect from this song: James saw Betty dancing with another boy at a school dance, one day when he was walking home another girl (from “august”) picked him up and he ended up spending his summer with her yet still loved Betty, and though he ended things with his fling and wanted to reconcile with Betty, he had returned to school to see she switched her homeroom (James assumes, after saying he won’t make assumptions. Classic men). So in order to make it up to her, he shows up at her party with the risk of being told to go fuck himself (the second and charming “fuck” on the album! Which is repeated!). Upon his arrival, there is a glorious key change (ala “Love Story”) and all the pieces fall into place for the listener; we realize Betty is the girl singing in “cardigan” as he lists the things he misses about her since the thrill expired, like the way she looks standing in her cardigan, and kissing in his car. He’s 17 and doesn’t know anything, but she knew everything when she was young, and she knew he’d come back. The way I see their story conclude is that she led him to the garden and trusted him, but as they grew older they grew apart, but the love she had for him never faded completely. Listening to this song is like being back in high school, whether you were the person who did someone wrong or the person so willing to forgive in the name of young love, or Inez, the school gossip, you’re right there with them. The other great thing about this song is that it is sung to a girl, and though it is set up so we understand it is most likely from a boy’s perspective, it doesn’t have to be. It’s really great that girls in the LGBTQ community can have a song in Taylor’s voice to fully connect to without changing the pronouns or names (even James, which is unisex and is one of the names of the daughters of Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds, Taylor’s close friends, mentioned in this song). That is the beauty of folklore: the infinite ways a story can be told, perceived, retold from a different perspective, and told again. Maybe you’ll hear it from Inez. Best lyric: “But if I just showed up at your party / would you have me? Would you want me? / Would you tell me to go fuck myself, or lead me to the garden?”

15. peace One of the most beautifully solemn songs of her career, “peace” echoes the same fears explored in “Dancing With Our Hands Tied” from reputation; will the person she loves be able to weather the ever-present storm that comes with the life of a superstar, but also dwells within herself? Will holding him as the water rushes in be enough? Will giving him her wild, a child, her sunshine, her best, be a fair consolation? Presumably another confessional track and about Alwyn, Swift puts him up on a pedestal, praising his integrity and his dare to dream. She proclaims that she would die for him in secret, just as she told him she’d be on her tallest tip toes, spinning in her highest heels, shining just for him in “mirrorball.” She highlights some of the greatest gifts of love, such as comfortable silence and chosen family. She knows what they have is special, but she also knows the value of peace, the ultimate nirvana, and does not want to deprive him of that. It is so deeply relatable- to me, at least- to feel like you can give someone so much of yourself but know it still may never be enough, and to fear either losing them or robbing them of something better. But looking at what they have together, maybe peace is overrated. Or maybe, she’s looking for peace in the wrong places. The calm is in the eye of the storm, and sometimes, there’s nothing more freeing than throwing away the umbrella and soaking in the rain. Best lyric: “I never had the courage of my convictions / as long as danger is near / and it’s just around the corner, darling / ‘cause it lives in me / no, I could never give you peace.”

16. hoax The truest enigma of the album, the closer, “hoax” is a devastatingly dark ballad about the uncertainty, or perhaps incredulity, of someone’s love for you, a love that is your lifeline. The lyrics are ambiguous, which gives way to a plethora of interpretations. Perhaps she is speaking about a hypothetical situation that has yet to happen (and hopefully doesn’t) in which someone she loves and trusts betrays her. Maybe she is talking about a relationship, real (hopefully not) or fictional, in which despite the torment it brings her she holds onto it for dear life. I’m most inclined to believe that the song represents her difficulty in accepting that someone is willing to love her through such dark periods, that their love must actually be a hoax, but she chooses to believe in it anyway and uses it as the motivation to rebuild her kingdom, to rise from the ashes on her barren land. And even through the downs that come at some point in every relationship, she can still see the beauty in it all. Yes, their love is golden, but waves of blue will crash down around any partnership, because life does not exist without them. So even when things are as blue as can be, she’s at least grateful it’s with him. Best lyric: “Don’t want no other shade of blue but you / no other sadness in the world would do.”

Although we still have yet to hear the deluxe track, “the lakes,” as a fan of Taylor for almost 12 years, it feels so obvious that this is her strongest work yet. The storytelling I fell in love with on Fearless as a teenager (which, much like folklore, was highly inspired by imaginary situations and real emotions) is even sharper now as we have both grown into adults. The music on this album might not be everyone’s speed, and that’s okay. But it allowed Taylor to dip back into what made Fearless such a success: using pieces of her own truth and the whims of her imagination to develop a multi-faceted narrative that becomes universal. During her Tiny Desk concert, before performing “Death By A Thousand Cuts” from Lover, Swift explained the anxiety she felt around the possibility of stunted creativity when people would ask her what she would write about once she was happy. Taylor has released an abundance of beautiful, fun, complex love songs since the start of her relationship almost four years ago now. But “Death By A Thousand Cuts,” which is a fan favorite, helped her prove to herself that she can still write a killer breakup song while being in a happy, fulfilling relationship; the song was the last track written for Lover and was inspired by the film Something Great on Netflix. And so it makes perfect sense that Taylor used folklore to continue exploring this new avenue for songwriting. All of her discography and all of her life experiences have culminated to the folklore moment: as all the best artists do, she will never stop finding inspiration in hidden corners of this dark, mystical, wondrous universe, and falling in love with new ways to share those wonders. And that love will be passed on.

DISCLAIMER - REVIEWER’S BIAS: I love Taylor Swift more than any person in my life, yes including my parents, they are aware and have accepted this fact long ago ❤️

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dailytomlinson · 4 years

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Back in December, a month before Louis Tomlinson’s debut album Walls was released, I had the honor to attend one of his album release parties in Atlanta, Georgia.

I expected my year to go differently: to travel across the country to attend several Louis shows. Little did I know sitting in the local bar in Atlanta it would be the last time I would see the musician who changed my life for the foreseeable future.

Even though nine months have passed, I can still say it was one of the greatest days of my life.

The three-hour drive to Georgia felt like five, but once the Atlanta skyline appeared over the Interstate, my mind filled with anticipation and excitement knowing I would hug Louis in near hours and hear Walls for the first time. Being in a bar with Louis just hanging out with only a few selected fans seemed unfathomable. We checked into our downtown hotel, which was paid for by Sony, and got ready with only a few hours to spare.

Once the Uber dropped us off at the bar, reality hit me. I would be in close proximity inside with the artist who shaped and saved my life — and I just wanted to remember it forever. I wanted to stay frozen in this moment. As we waited outside, the radio host, Adam Bomb, handed us papers to write our questions on. He reminded us to keep the questions respectful and music-centered if we wanted them to be considered. My question was, “I know songwriting is the major part of the album process for you. Can you talk a little bit about your songwriting process?” It wasn’t asked, but one of Bomb’s questions was about his writing process.

Fifteen long minutes waiting outside in the cold, and we were inside. The radio station confiscated our phones at the door to protect Louis’s unreleased music. A couple of tables surrounded a high chair, where Louis would sit for the interview.

My friends and I sat at a table straight across from the chair with a clear view of Louis. Adam Bomb sat in the chair next to Louis’s, and he flipped through the cue cards for preparation of the exclusive event.

“Please welcome to the room, Louis Tomlinson!”

Louis, dressed in a black sweater, jeans, and the usual sneaker, walked out from a curtain in the corner of the room. Smiley and waving, he admired the small room of fans who cheered and shouted for his entrance.

He sat in his chair, inches from where my friends and I sat, smiling occasionally at our table. Adam asked Louis a couple questions about the album (I can’t even recall what because I sat there in silent awe admiring him). It was the happiest I ever felt. It was an out-of-body experience where I wanted to pinch myself to wake up. I just couldn’t believe this was real.

As Louis exited the room, Adam talked to the crowd about how special and exclusive it is for us to hear songs from an unreleased album. He reminded us to be respectful and to enjoy Louis’s hard work.

The first track played. “Too Young.”

The audio was extremely quiet, and Louis shouted from behind the curtain, “Oi! Turn it up!” We all laughed, and Bomb turned up the volume letting the poetic words be heard. The room was silent with everyone intensely listening to the love song. I sat with my jaw open, and tears immediately filled my eyes. I couldn’t believe Louis wrote something so poetic and purposeful. Immediately, I knew this album would be better than anyone expected.

Louis’s photographer, along with the radio station’s, captured fans’ reactions and even recorded and photographed my friends and me from across the room. I felt so humiliated that my tears and freak-out with my friends were being documented, but one of the workers later told us our reactions made the room fun and she could tell how much he meant to us.

Later, a photo of me and my friends was plastered on Louis’s and the radio’s social media.

We listened to “Perfect Now” and “Walls” and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Louis peaking around the curtain wanting to see our reactions to his years of hard work. He signaled to his security guard to give us tissues and he came to our table and handed us napkins for our tears.

After we listened to the songs, Louis sat back down for the interview. He said it was a beautiful thing to see a reaction like that from fans after working so hard as a solo artist. It was evident he loved being in a room with fans, we mean so much to him and we make him extremely comfortable.

He talked about the tour and how he wanted to keep it authentic and intimate for the fans. Bomb asked about his Live Life Love show in Nashville days prior, which I attended, and when we clapped he laughed and said, “Yeah, yeah, you were there.” I couldn’t believe he remembered us from the meet-and-greet just days ago.

Bomb followed up with his joke and asked if he sees fans freak out on the front row, and then he pointed at us and said, “You’ve been front row, I know you have,” smiling and laughing at our shocked faces.

https://twitter.com/Q997Atlanta/status/1202402335168901123

Bomb asked a couple of fan questions. Louis talked about his writing process, tour, and Walls. The interview was kept professional and exciting, which I appreciated.

After the interview, Bomb invited everyone to the front for a group selfie. Things became extremely intense when Louis was almost mobbed by fans who shoved chairs down to run up to him. Rylee, a fan Louis donated money to make her home accessible, was blocked by fans from coming to the front to be seen. At this exact moment, I knew I spent ten years of my life supporting the right person. He firmly asked the girls to move so Rylee could come to the front, and when they didn’t, he walked to the back and moved a chair out of her way so she was able to be seen in the photo. I wanted to sob when I saw him go out of his way for someone who has spent most of her life looked over. He truly has a heart of gold.

After the selfie, we lined up for the meet and greet with him. His smile was so contagious and he greeted every fan with a warm hug. He signed Donny jerseys and drew tattoos for fans, and as the line inched closer, my eyes filled with tears and my heart raced. Before I knew it, my friend was hugging Louis and he looked me up and down, arms wide open for a hug greeted with a huge smile. We talked briefly, I hugged him again, and I walked off. It’s hard to put into words, but his positive energy is contagious and hugging him feels like home. He’s such a special soul.

After I met him, they made us leave the bar, and my friends and I waited to wave him bye as he left. I wanted to have a tattoo drawn by him, but my anxious mind forgot. Maybe one day, though. My friends and I hung outside for a while and the radio team interviewed us for their social media.

https://twitter.com/Q997Atlanta/status/1202437699317174273

To be in the room for such a special moment to share with an artist you’ve looked up to is truly the greatest feeling ever. I never want to forget how happy and excited I was during those thirty minutes. Leaving the party, I wanted to be able to listen to the songs over and over — but I couldn’t for another month. Being one of only a handful of people who heard Walls before its release was so special yet so tough at the same time. It was hard to keep everything to myself and not leak spoilers, but I knew I had to do it for Louis. I wrote down lyrics and everything I could remember from the album to cherish until Walls was released.

My closest friends were able to join me on this once in a lifetime journey, and here’s what they had to say about the experience.

What was your favorite moment from the party?

Caitlin: My favorite moment was telling him that I would see him four times on tour. His response was, “Thank you, love,” and he looked so happy when I told him that.

Bri: My favorite moment from the listening party is whenever we took the group picture with Louis! He realized this little girl named Rylee wasn’t anywhere near and went out of his way to go help her get into the picture. He ended up putting her in the front with him and that just warmed my heart to the max.

Makayley: My favorite moment from the party was definitely hugging him and watching him interact with Rylee, but I also loved listening to the songs with everyone and the excitement of it all.

How did you react when you found out you won?

Caitlin: It was super last minute when I found out I was able to go. I was super excited because I have always wanted to attend a listening party.

Bri: When I found out I won passes to the listening party, my mind went everywhere! I was crying, shaking, screaming, and panicking. I was the last winner, the last hour. It was CRAZY!

Makayley: I had a panic attack in math class and um thirty minutes later (oops)

What was your favorite song from the three we heard?

Caitlin: My favorite song was “Perfect Now.” Something about it put me in the feels.

Bri: My favorite song out of the three we listened to has to be “Perfect Now.” The lyrics spoke to my soul. Especially the lyric that said, “Keep your head up, love.” Just due to the fact, I’ve gone through some difficult times in life and just hearing that sent me into orbit. I was crying a lot at first but then went into a place of peace and happiness.

Makayley: “Walls” definitely.

What was your initial reaction from the songs?

Caitlin: I was really impressed with the lyrics. Being able to listen to those songs for the first time was super special. I thought the sound was definitely in his lane.

Bri: I could not just have one reaction to the songs we heard. I was happy, sad, surprised, a random emotion you can’t even describe.

Makayley: I was just really proud knowing how hard he had worked on it and how far he’s come.

Did Louis answer your question? What was his response

Caitlin: Louis did answer my question about which song off the album are you most excited to play on tour to which he responded, “Probably ‘Kill My Mind.’”

Bri: No, Louis did NOT answer my question but I was happy with the ones that did get answered.

Makayley: No.

Do you wish they did anything differently about the party?

Caitlin: I wish they would have allowed us more time to talk and spend with him. the meet and greet was rushed I think. but overall it was a fun experience.

Bri: Absolutely not. It was fine as it was. So close together, we all understood each other, etc.. It was amazing!

Makayley: No, I liked the way it was very chilled out and in the setting, it was (my only problem was with the accessibility of it).

What was meeting Louis like for you?

Caitlin: Super special. it was so nice to get to say hi to him and just tell him how much I love him and couldn’t wait to see his tour.

Bri: Meeting Louis was anxiety-filled. It was my first time ever meeting one of the people I look up to. Overall, it was an amazing experience. Louis was the sweetest and most genuine person ever!

Makayley: Meeting Louis was definitely a monumental moment as for all he had helped Rylee and myself with. But, hugging him definitely got me through a rough patch, and the feeling that the hug gave me still helps me to this day.

#united by pop #louis tomlinson #with fans #281020 #press

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saladejin · 4 years

Text

Broken | Seokjin (M)

Seokjin x Reader | idolverse au, established boyfriend!Seokjin | Pining, rough smut, fluffy undertones

Summary: Free time is hard to come by for the two of you, but soon another problem arises in the form of his beloved bandmates.

Warnings: Rough sex, swearing, mature and explicit themes, wet dreams

Word Count: 4.9k

<< masterlist

* Request from my Ao3 series ��Movie Night’.

Skin tingling with excitement and breaths coming out in short gasps, your hands found purchase buried deep within his thick strands of hair.

His lips melded themselves to your own while his fingers roamed your figure expertly. He knew exactly where to touch to turn you into a whimpering mess, and he would never stop learning. It was like your body was a panel of buttons, and he the curious child wanting nothing more than to find out what each and every one did.

“Baby…”

The man slowly grinding his hips into your clothed core didn’t respond to your plead. You wondered if his brain was too occupied, because you knew yours was surely gone. Your fingers traced the firm outlines of his abdominal muscles and travelled upwards to use his wide shoulders for leverage. You could hear his hurried and shallow breathing the more you swivelled your hips to create the desired friction.

Another moan tore from you when you felt his hands moving everywhere at once. Their familiar warmth cupping your aching sex attentively. You arched at the memory of his fingers trailing the sensitive outlines and openings.

“Seokjin, I need you,” You gasped, looking upwards but feeling frustrated that the shadows masked the face of your lover.

You reached forwards for him, eager to have him in any way you possibly could…

Oh to hell with it all!

Reality was fucking harsh. You awoke with groan of disapproval and shifted your sweaty body around in the sheets hesitantly. Just as expected, you felt a certain slickness coating the insides of your thighs again.

This was literally the third sex dream you had conjured up in the past week or so. Each time you snapped open your eyes to find yourself cold and alone in your bed, you felt the wave of disappointment washing over you growing stronger. God, you missed him.

I just want him back in my arms. I just want him.

You sighed as you imagined the smiling face of your long-term boyfriend, the one and only Kim Seokjin of BTS. Life was pretty hectic considering you both worked taxing jobs, with him being a world famous idol and you being a full-time teacher at a private academy a fair drive away. Time had become very difficult for you both to find, but lately Seokjin’s had completely cancelled out when the band began promoting their new album overseas. After that, the bucket-loads of fame brought on caused even more difficulty and restriction on you both.

If it wasn’t for the strong bond and resilience you both upheld, the relationship would have broken to pieces a long time ago.

You grabbed your phone from the nightstand and got up to start the day, trying to ignore the sexual frustration tearing at your insides. A tiny light winked at you from the screen’s surface.

“Good morning my love, I hope you slept well x”

You felt the fluffy warmth spread through you as you reread his text again, but rolled your eyes when you thought about how you actually slept.

Should I let him know? It would probably cause problems.

You shrugged because caution had never been a part of your relationship in the first place. Direct teasing was what created so much of the chemistry between the both of you, and it was almost always much to the disapproval of the other members.

“Good morning! It would have been better if I was getting fucked by the real you and not a dream.”

You watched with an evil cackle as the three little dots appeared and disappeared several times.

“I’ll have to tell my dream-self to do a little better. It’ll only be a few more days until I’m the one breaking the bed again, sweetheart.”

You felt so pathetic for getting turned on by his simple cheesy text, but you were so starved at this point you couldn’t really blame your brain for weakening. He was due to come back to Korea in the next few days, so you really wouldn’t have to long to wait.

“Sounds promising, I’ll order a new one tonight.”

You left the room chuckling quietly to yourself. The weight of his words usually proved fruitful, and the fact that you had both freed up a single weekend was exciting enough. This rarely ever happened so you knew you were both super keen to spend time together for two whole days in a row.

It’s sad to think how even that has become special.

You settled down with your breakfast, already falling into the usual routine of your daily texting with Seokjin. He usually sent you all kinds of funny pictures with the other members, as well as beautiful photos of any places they went. You found yourself having your own private tour each and every day, and you always thought about how caring he was to take all that time out for you.

Not for long. Soon, (Y/n), soon you won’t need to see anything but the bedroom.

You really needed to clear your sex-driven mind.

The door swung open and you threw yourself into Seokjin’s arms without hesitation. He had arrived back late in the night and had already slept off most of the jet-lag before texting you to let you know he was on his way to your house. You had almost certainly jumped out of your skin in surprise, because even though you knew you were both longing for each other, you still hadn’t been prepared at all.

“Sorry babe, I tried to stop them but they wouldn’t listen,” Seokjin grunted lowly into your ear, and you tried your best to stifle a shiver at the sound to think about the words.

“Noona! It’s great to see you!” A voice boomed, and you leaned back from the broad chest of your boyfriend to see Taehyung, Jimin and Hoseok filtering in behind him.

“Guys, oh! How have you been?”

You moved to give them all friendly hugs, hoping to mask your utter shock. You glanced behind to see Seokjin gritting his teeth in cleverly hidden annoyance, but you knew him too well for it to be completely invisible. There were slight bags underneath his beautiful brown eyes.

He probably didn’t even tell the boys no, knowing how much they’ve wanted to visit lately.

You invited everyone inside and offered drinks immediately. The fun chatter built up and you left the bustling boys to themselves to go and get some water for them. If you had known they were coming and staying for a while, maybe you wouldn’t have been so quick to throw on the horribly risky lingerie set you’d bought a few weeks ago.

Soft footsteps sounded behind you and suddenly your body was being turned around to press backwards into the kitchen bench. You ran your arms up to loop around Seokjin’s neck, grateful that the kitchen was walled off from the other guys and their watchful eyes.

“I wanted to come here alone,” Seokjin exhaled, seemingly in a daze as he moved one of his hands down to grasp loosely at your waist. You ignored the fire spreading from his subtle touch and craned forward to press a loving kiss to his plump lips.

“I missed you so much, I wouldn’t care if you brought your whole fanbase with you.” You blinked pointedly.

He cracked a smile and pressed another tender kiss to your lips, the wet sound echoing through your mind jarringly. You knew if you focused your attention on his uneven breathing you would lose what little control you had left. It was bad enough that he had started to push his body further into yours as the seconds drew onwards.

“I haven’t had you in so long,” he sighed and sunk his teeth into his bottom lip, eyebrows furrowing as he tried to lean in and close any distance you might have had. You felt the heat pooling in your lower regions like some kind of dam had broken. His needy and darkened gaze called for your touch and attention loudly.

“(Y/n)-noona? We brought you a gift from America, do you want to open it now?” Jimin’s voice called from the living room. You realised with a jolt how filthy the current scene would seem, as Seokjin almost had you sprawled out on the surface of the bench. You probably would’ve let him take you right then and there too.

You looked at your beloved boyfriend knowingly before squeezing his biceps in reassurance and pushing off the edge of the counter. His loud disappointed sigh basically summed up your entire mood, but you knew you still had the whole upcoming weekend to yourselves.

“Coming!” You smiled tightly, preparing to walk out with the glasses of water in hand.

“Well fuck, you could be,” came Seokjin’s irritated mumble.

You tried your best to fight down the sparks of arousal at hearing his angry rasp behind you, but it was all pointless in the end. Your level-headed boyfriend bickered with others quite often, but when he was actually angry, boy that was another story.

Last time you had seen him that worked up, it had been over how he couldn’t get a certain dance move right even after hours upon hours of practice. He had come over with all his muscles tensed up from the building fury, and when you had offered to relieve his tension, he hadn’t hesitated on fucking you hard into the early hours of the next morning.

That’s a memory I should not be thinking of right now. Next thing I’ll be dropping to my knees right in front of the boys!

You shook your head, trying to concentrate on the words Jimin and Taehyung were speaking as they described each perfume they had discovered and brought back. You were so grateful for their thoughtfulness and thanked them so many times for the presents, but your eyes kept wandering to where Seokjin was sitting with his legs crossed conveniently; his eyes averted and fingers tapping to a random rhythm against the arm of the couch.

It had been way too long. It was almost too much for you to stand being in the same proximity as him, and even if he felt the same there was nothing either of you could really do except wait it out.

Your panties were soaking as you smashed in the code for Bangtan’s dorm. Seokjin had been constantly riling you up for the past hour over text, and now that you had finally managed to make your way over things were very heated for you. Your fingers trembled with adrenaline and you cursed when you accidentally punched in the wrong number more than once.

He had managed to score the whole dorm to himself for a small amount of time. This was an absolute triumph, because even though you had both freed up the weekend, escaping the members was truly another task in itself.

“Jin I-”

“Baby I’m so glad you’re here!” Seokjin’s noticeably forced shout caused you to stop in your tracks. The shock tightened its grip as you realised you definitely weren’t alone.

Your boyfriend sat on the couch surrounded by his smiling bandmates who were joking amongst themselves, but you knew by his painfully apologetic eyes and conspicuously placed couch cushion that this hadn’t been planned at all.

“Hey noona, we finished practice early so we could have a movie night!” Jungkook greeted as he jumped up to hug you warmly. You just couldn’t let the disappointment hang around for long when this bunny made an appearance.

“Hey Kook-ah.” You smiled sharply, trying to edge away from him so he wouldn’t accidentally feel what you were wearing underneath.

Fuck, Seokjin knows what it looks like too…

You locked eyes with your boyfriend and you both silently conveyed a sorrowful message.

Yes, you would need to do some more waiting apparently. Children were high maintenance, but you knew if this would’ve gone completely your way you would have dragged him into the nearest bedroom and ridden him like your life depended on it.

Sometimes he was just so caring it hurt; quite literally in your case if your weeping pussy had anything to say about it.

“Um, so what are we watching?” you asked through clenched teeth, smoothing down your skirt in hopes of hiding any ‘evidence’. You looked up again to see Yoongi slouched deep in his armchair and felt your heart thump when his piercing eyes flickered from you to Seokjin knowingly.

Shit, I forgot how perceptive this guy was.

You could see the hints of a half-amused smirk tugging at the rapper’s lips, and the fact that Seokjin’s cheeks were reddening gave away that he had noticed too. You had no time to feel the mortification creep up on you since the younger ones were already dragging you towards the couch.

“We picked a great action one, you’ll love it,” Taehyung rushed excitedly and barely even gave you time to comprehend what he was saying.

“Sorry we haven’t got enough room on the couch,” Jimin clicked his tongue, eyes scanning the room intently for a spare spot. You smiled and opened your mouth to say you were fine on the floor, but someone slipped in before you could speak.

“It’s fine, she can just sit on Seokjin’s lap like she always does. They’re together after all,” Yoongi suggested while craftily masking his intentions under a smile. You saw the way the smirk still poked through his guise all the same.

This sneaky bastard.

But you would admit, this had created the perfect opportunity to tease your boyfriend a little. Usually you wouldn’t hesitate at the chance, but this time you knew you would probably suffer just as badly. Seokjin met your eyes and gave the tiniest shake of his head in warning, there was no way he would be able to handle himself if your ass was pressing itself against his rock hard cock.

“Guess there’s nothing wrong with that.” You shrugged and watched as Jin’s expression crumbled into one of darkness and defeat. You knew exactly what was in store for you, and you loved it.

Yoongi covered the bottom of his face with one hand to muffle the chuckle threatening to break past. You smiled towards Hoseok and Namjoon on the other couch before strolling over and glancing down at your boyfriend with lidded eyes. He opened his arms for you, just as usual, but you felt the vital difference as soon as you sat down onto his muscled thighs.

A deep exhale brushed past your ear as he shifted underneath you, and every inch of your skin tingled with heat as you felt the prominent outline twitch suddenly. He was so aroused it was almost too much for even you to bear.

“Please try to stop moving, please (Y/n),” he blew into your ear almost silently. You couldn’t suppress the shiver that racked your form at the sensation of his breath, but this only caused a tiny grunt to fall from his lips. Damn, you were both way too sensitive to each other tonight, and Yoongi knew it too. The sly fox only sat there watching you two with the biggest shit-eating grin you had ever seen.

“Okay it’s getting good, everyone be quiet from now on.” Jungkook brought a finger to his lips, bunny eyes gleaming with enthusiasm as he grabbed Taehyung’s arm and ran to sit back down on the floor. Seokjin had his head bent forward to rest against your back as his whole body tensed up. You knew he was struggling to keep himself together.

“(Y/n) I’m about to lose it, stop fucking moving.” He shuddered as you unintentionally moved to get more comfortable. You just knew he was about to reach the breaking point, but he would regret everything if he exposed you both so quickly, so you reached to squeeze his hand in reassurance.

“Not here. Come over after the movie and we’ll make it real good,” you leaned down to whisper almost silently into his ear so nobody else could overhear. His lip was bitten as he registered the words, the tension from the implied promise hanging thickly in the air. If he had really wanted to calm himself down he would’ve sat on the floor himself not even minutes in.

You almost squeaked when he rolled his hips slowly upwards just once. Just small enough so you could feel what was waiting for you, but not noticeable to anyone else in the room. Even Yoongi had shifted his attention to the movie and had forgotten about the two horny beings sitting on the couch barely two metres away.

Minutes flew by as you struggled to keep your attention anywhere else, but you kept failing time and time again.

“Hey Jin-hyung?”

Your heart skipped a beat as Seokjin’s minuscule grinding came to a halt, a large breath trying to casually leave his lungs.

“Yeah?” His low voice crackled slightly.

“Now that it’s over can you help me with that hour-long vocal training thing you were talking about?” Jimin asked as he got to his feet and dusted off his shirt from the popcorn pieces.

Wait it’s over?

You were aghast as you looked over to see the credits of the movie scrolling down the screen. You had literally been focusing on the hard outlines pressing into your clothed heat the entire time. Now the cold dread and disappointment lodged itself deeply into your chest as you looked back to gauge Seokjin’s response. Your underwear was nothing but a scrap of wet cloth at this point.

“Argh! Fuck this!”

To your utter surprise, you felt two large hands swooping down to pick you up somewhat roughly. Everyone else gaped as Seokjin yanked you into his chest and marched furiously towards the hallway where his bedroom was. You were left to helplessly cling onto his neck as he abducted you away from everyone else.

“What was that about?” Hoseok was quick to pipe up, wondering why his eldest bandmate had gotten so agitated. Jimin quickly held up his hands to show his innocence, but Yoongi and Namjoon exchanged amused glances.

“If I were you, I'd go plug in your headphones.”

You were breathing heavily as Seokjin kicked open his already ajar door, not even caring if he made enough noise to alert the whole building.

“Are you okay babe?” you huffed, watching in amazement as he proceeded to close the door by knocking it with his hip sharply. He didn’t utter a word and only growled before throwing you onto the bed.

Excitement crawled up your body as you were suddenly being pressed into the mattress, his lips were on you in an instant, hungry and desperate. Nothing could be heard but your occasional gasps for air as the primal urges took over.

He needed to have you, and you needed to have him inside you as soon as possible. You positively ached for it.

“Sorry, I just can’t waste time right now,” Seokjin grunted, eyebrows still furrowed from the irritation lingering in his mind. You knew this look. This was the look, the one that had gotten you mercilessly drilled for hours on end. Your heart almost stopped at the strong surge of arousal licking at your abdomen.

“No foreplay needed, I’m flooding myself right now.”

He locked eyes with you for one electrifying moment before licking his lips and pulling you close to his heated body. Without warning, he plunged one hand underneath the edge of your skirt to search for proof of your words, and your lusty whimper mingled with his pleased moan as he ran his fingers along the dripping entrance he found there.

“Fuck, I could slip in so easily.”

You eyed the prominent bulge growing even larger in his pants, but couldn’t act because you were now both too busy undressing yourselves. He was as ravenous as a starved dog, and there was barely a moment where he wasn’t marking your skin or leaving wet kisses in his wake. You couldn’t keep your hands to yourself either, and the sinful noises falling from him only drove you onward.

You let out a breathy moan as he flipped you onto your stomach roughly. You caught sight of his tensed muscles briefly, and you knew he was so worked up it was insane, yet exhilarating at the same time.

“How will you take me?” You moved one arm to sweep your hair over your shoulder, letting him see the entire expanse of your arched back and rounded ass on full view.

“Wow, just like this. I can’t make it slow tonight, I want to fuck your brains out (Y/n),” he almost whispered, voice low and raspy with desire. You didn’t need to see his eyes to know they were filled with a familiar fire, but the thought caused a fresh wave of need to hit you full-force, and suddenly a trail of your own hot wetness slid down your thigh.

“My God, are you trying to kill me?” He groaned and you heard the breath leaving his lungs harshly. The ripping of the condom packet made you jump in anticipation. You arched your back further and sighed, completely ready for this bundling ball of pent up frustration to unleash his wrath onto you and your pussy.

His hand smoothed down your back and you felt the tiny hairs rising at the sensation. This upped sensitivity was going to be the death of you both, and you knew he could also tell by the way your thighs trembled with longing.

“Head down, my love.”

With that he thrust forward and made sure to follow through with a smooth grind of his hips. You cried out in pure pleasure as his length eased past your soaking folds with little resistance. You shifted backwards to meet him, but still winced at the somewhat tight fit. It had been a while, but at least you had plenty of time to get accustomed.

“O-oh, oh that’s good,” He moaned painfully above you, but you knew the serenity wouldn’t last. He was too frenzied to stop at any moment. His hands were already gripping firmly at the tops of your thighs to spread your bent legs further apart.

A plethora of bruises later, but I’m not complaining now…

You sunk your teeth into the nearest pillow as he began setting a punishing pace. Your walls were being battered by his cock, and he was hitting that sweet spot so rapidly you were already coming undone beneath him. You angled your body higher and couldn’t help but moan wantonly at how he hit you in even deeper places.

“This is for all the time we could’ve been fucking,” Seokjin growled through gritted teeth. “A whole weekend, this is a whole weekend in one.”

You widened your eyes at his words, feeling tears prick at the corners from the pure amount of pleasure building up in your core. He twisted you so you rotated on his cock to lay on your back again, and only groaned in approval when your head and shoulders were met by his headboard with a dull ‘thud’.

“Don’t hide anything, I don’t care if they hear everything,” he breathed into your ear as he spread your thighs open once more, the surface of your skin visibly glistening with your fluids. He took in the sight eagerly before looking up with darkened eyes. You knew how completely messed up you were, but he looked pretty fucked too with his flushed complexion and shuddering breaths.

You opened your mouth to reply, but he shoved his thick cock back into your heat unexpectedly, and your words came out in a garbled scream. This new missionary angle felt even more deliciously sensitive and deeper.

“That’s it,” he grunted, brows creasing in concentration as he watched every little contortion of your expression.

He fucked hard and fast, not leaving any room for thinking as you climaxed shockingly. Your thighs shook and your whole abdomen clenched as the orgasm racked your form. Your cry of relief could probably be heard by the whole dorm, but you couldn’t let your mind wander to that when Seokjin picked up the pace again.

The feeling of your walls spasming around his length caused his common sense to fly out the window. He lowered his body onto yours so he could enter you quickly and easily, your beautiful and breathy noises edging him further to the edge he so desperately sought.

Your shoulders and back continuously edged further up the headboard as he pounded into you. You could vaguely hear the banging of the wood against the snowy white wall behind, but your attention was ripped away as another orgasm abruptly bloomed and jerked your entire body into uncontrollability.

Seokjin reached up to still your shoulders, throwing his head back in complete ecstasy as he allowed the slow rhythmic rolling of your muscles to send him over. He groaned loudly as he came, abdominal muscles tensing as he breathed deeply and gently moved his hips to ride out the finish. You were a sight to behold below him, eyes closed and swollen lips hanging open in blissful shock. He watched in admiration as your clammy body continued to jolt occasionally from the aftershocks.

No words were spoken, but you felt his lips against your skin through the haze clouding your mind. He tenderly trailed the outlines of your neck and jawline as if saying ‘thank you, I’m sorry’. You only gasped as another wave of sensitivity coursed through you from head to curled toes. You could still feel the heavy weight of him nestled inside you, but you didn’t want him to leave.

“You’re always so good to me baby. I needed that.” He sighed and almost reluctantly pulled out of your soaking folds slowly. You whined as the sharp feeling almost brought you closer to the edge again, but the stimulation was just too much. He inhaled sharply in stunned disbelief and moved to calm you down with soft words of encouragement.

“I-I think that’s the best sex we’ve had. You were amazing and fuck, if that wasn’t the hottest thing I’ve ever experienced,” You breathed out, eyes still closed and one hand resting over your eyes as you tried to see anything other than stars. His deep chuckle sounded from somewhere beside you as he got up to dispose of the condom. You sighed before also getting up to use the toilet and clean up a little.

“If only we could go at it for two days…We waited for so long,” he murmured as you returned from the bathroom to see him pulling on some loose pants. You looked around and found one of his large shirts to throw on before climbing back into bed with him.

“Well considering how rough you were when you were angry, I wouldn’t mind getting you like that more often.” You smirked as you cuddled into his chest, trying your best to ignore the dull ache flaming from your lower regions.

“What? (Y/n) if you wanted me to be rougher all you had to do was ask.” He snorted, reaching down to smooth away some of your hair and pull you further into his arms. You hummed as he pecked tiny kisses down your bare arm.

“Well, I guess I just found out.”

The next morning you woke a little earlier than usual. Seokjin still slept soundly as you smiled at the sight of his slightly parted lips and fluttering eyelashes. He was so adorable when he was like this, but then your mind flashed back to the smouldering heat within his gaze and the rough pumps of his hips last night.

Well everyone has their duality I guess.

You took a deep breath as you swung your legs out of the bed, wanting to prepare your boyfriend an amazing breakfast for making you feel so good the night before. You made it to the door with a little difficulty, but as soon as you tried to walk normally the ache flared from your vagina and you stumbled forwards into the hallway.

Your knees bent at awkward angles as you tried to shuffle down the passageway, wincing while keeping one hand clenched at your pelvis almost as a reassurance. Damn, he had seriously taken away your ability to walk this time.

You grunted in exasperation, yet somehow didn’t completely hate the sore feeling. You looked up in determination to get to the kitchen but felt your breath hitch when you saw Yoongi and Namjoon sitting at the bench eyeing you in shock.

Shit, they just watched me amble down the hall like a newborn deer.

“Uh, maybe you should get some rest (Y/n),” Namjoon suggested with a kind smile tugging at his lips. He had a half-eaten slice of toast in front of him, and you felt hunger bubble up in your stomach at the combination of smells.

“God knows you didn’t get any last night…” Yoongi mumbled and you stifled a surprised chuckle as Namjoon wacked his fellow rapper’s shoulder, utterly horrified. You leaned against the wall as they looked to you for a response.

“Well,” you began with a smug raise of your eyebrows. “I’d be lying if I said you were wrong.”

#kim seokjin #jin smut #bts jin #rough jin #fluff and smut #bts seokjin #seokjin smut #seokjin fanfic #reader #yoongi is a little shit #bts #saladejin

227 notes · View notes

pit-and-the-pen · 4 years

Note

could I please request a George Weasley fic where him and the reader are being emos together and she puts like eyeliner or smth on him for the Grunge™️ look lol, I feel like it’d be kinda cute and grungey/emo George gives me life 😭😭 I absolutely loved the way you wrote Black Hole Sun and One Hundred Sleepless Nights!! Thank youu:) I hope you have a good rest of your week and that you’re staying safe and healthy ❤️ I absolutely love your blog 🥺 you seem so cool to be friends with

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First off thank you so much for all the love! I hope I come off as nice on here, you guys are free to send me messages/ asks literally whenever you want, it doesn’t just have to be for requests or when I post the giant ask me stuff lists. Literally say hi whenever, I love talking to you guys and would love to get to know everyone of you!

That being said I am also very soft for Grunge George and loved writing/planning this!

Warnings: None

Taglist: General: @thoseofgreatambition @ickle-ronniekins @summer-writes @obsessedwithrandomthings @harrysweasleys

Weasley twins: @wand3ringr0s3

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Circles-

George was currently watching you get ready for your date with a certain longing in his eyes. It made you a little insecure with the way he seemed to be watching your every move. Your hand started to shake as you were attempting to draw the black line across your eyelid. “shit” you swore under your breath as your arm jumped up just the slightest bit.

You heaved out a sign and put your hands down on the cold porcelain of the sink. Your new engagement ring let out a high pitch clank that had you double checking it to make sure it was okay.

“Can I help you Weasley?” The teasing tone in your voice caused him to give you a small shy smile. His style over the last couple of years had started to change ever so slightly again. More flannels creeped into his wardrobe. More than once you noticed him wearing the few bigger sized band tees you had in the back of your closet. You didn’t mind at all, in fact you liked this side of George. When you had shown him your music, and therefore style, a few months prior you had expected him to call you weird. You’ve had worse reactions. Been called everything from crazy to a devil worshiper. All because you liked music that was a little heavier.

George on the other hand had thrown himself into it full force. Taking all of your albums and listening to them more times then you had probably. He had managed to enchant a few of your posters so they now smile and mosh to some unheard rhythm playing behind them. Even letting you drag him to some of your favorite muggle bands concerts. Though, the amount of people and noise did tend to startle him too much to have as much fun as you did.

He was still frozen behind you, catching his expression in the mirror you fought the urge to laugh. George must have noticed the way your lip shook as you bit it in the attempt to stop the giggles for tumbling out, his ear heated up pink.

His eyes seemed to be locked onto the eyeliner in your hand. You raised it and it seemed to snap him out of whatever trance he was in.

“Do you want some?” You said raising the little pencil again. He shook his head, but you didn’t seemed convinced.

“Come here.” Your other hand motioned for him, that was when you saw him smirk.

“If you want me that bad, love, you’ll have to catch me.” And with that, he slammed the bathroom door as a way to slow you down. You let out a scream of frustration.

“You never play fair Georgie!” You shouted as you flung open the door and ran after him. Curse him and his long legs. He always seemed to two feet ahead of you. Turning around the corners of your home rather easily, not breaking stride, while you had to almost hop around them to make sure you didn’t keep going straight.

You chased him for what felt like hours, but it had only been minutes at most. Every muscle in your body was screaming for air and the laughter that kept falling out was not helping in the slightest. You had chased him around the house in laps and you still hadn’t gotten any closer to catching him. Your feet started to slow down, clomping against the hardwood as your heels started to drop more. The hand you had on the wall seemed to be helping you catch your breath without falling to your feet.

Through your heavy breathing, you didn’t even notice that George had snuck up behind you. His arm suddenly wrapping around your middle and lifting you off of your feet.

“Put me down!!!” You shouted through your heavy breaths, he ignored you and flung you over your shoulder. Leaving your arms hanging over his back, in perfect swatting range of his perfect backside. He let out a heavy laugh when you did just that. He walked you over to the couch and put you back down on your feet. Before he sat down, you had him pinned down on the couch. The pencil he seemed to forget about appeared from thin air. You grabbed him head and crawled onto his lap, facing him. As quickly as you could, you drew a thin line of the black on his lower lash line. He was never going to let you tight line his eyes or get anything close to the top, he just wouldn’t stay still enough for that.

You gave him a quick peck on his lips once you had decided you were happy with how it looked. You were actually more than happy in all honesty. George was by far the handsomest person you knew, but with the added eyeliner bringing out all the different colors speckled in his eyes, he looked a deadly mixture of beautiful and sexy.

He seemed to notice your staring and chuckled before asking “How do I look?”

You pulled his face to yours, a little rougher this time.

“Perfect. As always.”

#grunge George Weasley #george wealsey x reader #george weasley #nonnie asks #I love grunge george so much

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onestowatch · 3 years

Text

Oston Pens Her Coming-of-Age Story on ‘Am I Talking Too Much? [Q&A]

Photos: Dolly Ave at Lollapalooza

Rising star OSTON is no longer sitting at the kids' table. In her new EP, Am I Talking Too Much?, the singer-songwriter puts her fears, frustrations, and deepest thoughts on display. It’s a victorious display of emotion sonically paired with massive pop moments, an ethereal interlude, impressively sharp lyricism, and so much more.

Am I Talking Too Much?, which has been in the works since 2019, has forged a path through a time of tough life lessons, self-realization, and most importantly confidence. The project navigates topics such as the pressures of growing up and the universal fear of falling in love in just eight poignant tracks. Overall, the EP tells OSTON’s coming-of-age story, learning when to not take things seriously and gaining the ability to spot those who underestimate her tenacity.

We had the chance to chat with OSTON about the making of the EP, what it means to her, and an exclusive track-by-track breakdown.

Tell us about what’s different this time around, versus making your debut EP, Sitting at the Kids Table?

Am I Talking Too Much? feels astronomically different from my debut EP in so many ways. When we were making my first project, Sitting at the Kids Table, I was really focused on creating a project and getting it out into the world rather quickly. The songs were written and produced with a very fast turnaround, and because I was so new to the industry, I was more than okay with that.

After that project came out, I started really digging into my artistry. Since Am I Talking Too Much? was written over the course of two-and-a-half-ish years, I got to choose exactly which songs I felt described this second chapter of my musical life. I went through some huge life changes while writing this EP, and I think that’s very apparent in the story arch of this project.

Taking “last time pt. II” into consideration, do you feel Am I Talking Too Much? is a continuation of the topics explored in Sitting at the Kids Table or does it exist in your head as a separate entity entirely?

This EP feels like an entirely new chapter of my life, just as I hope the next generation of music I put out can serve as something completely new. This project follows me on a journey of moving away from home, shedding toxic relationships and old layers that used to hold me back, and learning not to define myself by how others view me (or at least trying not to). Other than the name “last time pt. ii,” the two songs live as their own entities, and I’m really excited for listeners to discover that.

You have some special collaborators who worked on the EP, can you tell us about your creative journey with everyone who helped this project come to life?

I was lucky enough to get to work with some of my closest friends and collaborators on this project, which is part of the reason it’s so special to me. My boyfriend, Drew, executive produced the whole project (with me staring over his shoulder the whole time). Our great friend, Nydge, came in on two of the songs (“Am I Talking Too Much?” and “Sour”) to help spice up the direction a bit. I also co-wrote a few of the songs with my friends JORDY, lixa, and Mr. Popular—who all helped bring the crazy stories inside my head to life.

What are some of your goals for 2021, if any? Or are you just taking things day by day?

2021 has been an absolutely crazy year for me so far, and I’m lucky enough to say that I’ve already reached a lot of the goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year. For starters, finishing up and releasing this EP has been an enormous box on my to-do list, so finally having it out in the world is a huge accomplishment in itself.

Last weekend, I experienced a crazy, unexpected run of shows – I opened for Omar Apollo at the Metro in Chicago for a Lollapalooza aftershow, and then stepped into the official lineup of Lollapalooza on Friday at the Lake Shore Stage. I hadn’t even imagined playing my first music festival for another year or two! Another bucket list goal of mine has been to go on a support tour with another artist, and I’ll be joining my great friend JORDY on his “Mind Games” tour in the fall!

What do you want listeners to take away from listening to Am I Talking Too Much?

If you listen to this EP and take anything with you, I hope it’s the understanding that there is always room to make mistakes, and nobody ever gets everything right the first time around. We all live through our own tragedies, and that’s what makes us the badass people that we are.

Would you mind breaking down each track on the project for us?

“Am I Talking Too Much?”

This was actually the first song we wrote for this project. At the time, I was thinking it would just be a single, but I could never get over the idea of a whole body of work called “Am I Talking Too Much?.” It just felt so fitting with who I am as a person.

The concept came from a date where I was talking with this guy, and he turned to me and said, “Wow, you sure talk a lot don’t you?” I walked away reflecting on how talking “too much” and overthinking are such big characteristics of mine. But, it’s also a part of what makes me who I am, and I realized that maybe the people who love and accept me for that are the people I really want in my life anyways.

“Hypocrite!”

“Hypocrite!” was such a fun and quick one to write that came from one day in the studio with the amazing writer/producer Mr. Popular. We started talking and joking about the stereotypical “shitty ex” that gaslights you and tries to make you think that everything they do is somehow your fault. It was particularly fun and therapeutic for me because I got to pull from multiple different relationships throughout my life to create this one sort of evil, hypocritical character as the star of the song.

“I Think You Should Leave”

Man, I love this song. It’s such a fun one! I’ve never really let myself get as pop as I did with this one. Drew and I really just aimed to have a fun time writing this one and wanted it to be as out-there as it could. I’d call this the “party anthem” of the project, telling off all the haters and mansplainers. This is the song that gets the most hate on social media, and it’s quite funny to me that the main group of people getting angry online are exactly the demographic we wrote it about.

“Lie About You”

“Lie About You” was the last song written for this project. In all reality, the song was never supposed to see the light of day. After I got the demo back, I actually really hated the song and it felt way too personal and on-the-nose with what I was going through to ever release.

I don’t know what willed me to throw the demo up on TikTok (maybe it was the fact I was visiting home, drinking wine, and feeling sappy as per usual) but the next morning I woke up to a viral video and thousands of people asking me to release the song for real. That same day I was supposed to announce “I Think You Should Leave,” but my management called me and was like “Dude, we’ve gotta finish this one and put it out like, tomorrow.” and that’s exactly what we did!

“Hurt Like___”

“Hurt Like___” came at a time when I wanted to write something really sad and emotional, even though that wasn’t how I was actually feeling in the moment. I decided to write this alternate ending for my relationship with Drew—one where I had let my fear of things going wrong take over. I wrote the story of our breakup and how I thought I would’ve felt if we ended things when I moved to LA, instead of continuing to date long-distance and then eventually move in together. I’ve actually never written a song from this point of view before, so it was pretty challenging, but so worth it.

“How To Feel Human”

JORDY, Drew and I wrote this on a little trip to Drew’s old Chicago studio in the middle of the pandemic. We all had a little pink wine (this was also the same week that we wrote “Tomorrow” for JORDY’s project, so clearly we were feeling pretty sappy) and we started reminiscing about how easy things used to be when we were younger and living at home with our parents – even though it didn’t always seem like it back then.

We realized that as you get older and move away from your upbringing, the idea of “home” starts to become less and less clear. You start to find “home” in the places you move to and the people you surround yourself with, and the childhood memories of “home” sort of start to fade into the distance. It’s a pretty somber topic, but when you surround yourself with the right people, it makes growing up a whole lot easier.

“last time pt. II”

All I’ll say about this one is that Drew and I wrote it before our very first date. It was kind of our way of saying goodbye to the people in our lives that were holding us back, and realizing what we had sitting right in front of us. This song makes me wanna cry every time I hear it.

“Sour”

Sour is my unapologetically-honest diary entry to myself. Funny enough, this record actually started out in a completely hyper-pop direction with massive synths and drums, but I couldn’t get any of the lyrics or melodies to make sense. When we went back in and stripped it down to just piano vocals, this whole story started flowing out of me. I started asking myself why I treat myself the way that I do, and similarly, why society encourages us to be so critical of ourselves and one another.

I wanted to pay tribute in this song to one of my biggest musical inspirations, which is the Melodrama album by Lorde and Jack Antonoff. The outro bit of the song deviates away from the piano/vocal vibe and shifts into a very musical, ethereal space. This is where the project starts to culminate and become blurry—I wanted this bit to feel like a conclusion to the chaos of the seven songs that came before it.

Ending the song with the words “but I gotta go” felt like the best parting gift as I left to start another chapter of my musical life.

#oston #interview #am I talking too much?#singer songwriter #pop

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cxhnow · 4 years

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The Youthful Wisdom of Chloe x Halle

As they release their second album, Chloe and Halle Bailey are more sure of themselves — and more empowered in using their voice, at a particularly relevant time — than ever.

Your early 20s are not generally known as a time of great wisdom, understanding of your own emotional health and giving yourself grace to come of age. Yet Chloe and Halle Bailey, 21 and 20, respectively, are far more centered and in touch with their own growth than many of their peers. And they’re particularly skilled at being able to translate that into music, as seen through “Ungodly Hour,” their sophomore album, which was released last week to much fanfare and positive reviews.

It’s no wonder why Beyoncé plucked the sisters — better known as Chloe x Halle — out of obscurity after seeing their cover of her song “Pretty Hurts” on YouTube when they were barely teenagers and signed them to her Parkwood Entertainment label, drastically altering the course of their young lives and careers.

“This album, we’re baring our souls,” Chloe says. “We’re sharing our insecurities, showing our vulnerabilities, all of those things. We just want people to accept us for who we truly are. It’s like ‘love me at the ungodly hour.’ That’s why we called this project that. It’s that time when you’re not perfect. It’s that time when you’re struggling and it’s OK to struggle. There’s beauty in that.”

“And it’s definitely something that we’ve had to work at,” Halle adds. “A lot of the messages on the album, talking about and addressing insecurities and being OK with them, is really just us talking to ourselves, trying to mark these messages into our hearts and our brains. Because when we are feeling down, one of us is there for the other one to lift each other up. So, those lyrics in the songs are definitely messages to ourselves to cheer us up as well. If it can help other people and make them feel better, then that’s our goal.”

The sisters are on Zoom, each from their respective bedrooms in the house they share in Los Angeles with their parents and younger brother. Chloe’s just finished a HIIT workout while Halle cleaned her bedroom (Chloe admits some tidying is needed in hers as well). The Baileys have been in lockdown at home since March, listening to gospel (Chloe) and Marvin Gaye (Halle), watching “Love Island” and the Michelle Obama documentary, “Becoming.”

“It’s been a journey. In the beginning, it was like a fun sleepover; we can’t leave the house. And then, it kind of kicked in for us like, ‘Whoa, this is real,’” Halle says. “This is really heavy for us all. We’re all just trying to stay safe. With the recent events that have been happening over the couple of weeks and all the protests, we’ve just been so grateful to be alive, and we’ve been clinging to each other, and remembering to be grateful for every small thing, and trying to stay positive and hopeful.”

Both sisters have the immediate, natural ability to be utterly grounded in the severity of something — the Black Lives Matter protests that have followed the Minneapolis police killing of George Floyd — paired with hope. It’s hard not to feel positive, inspired and hopeful after conversing with Chloe and Halle, who are wise beyond their years and see themselves clearly.

“Ungodly Hour” was set to be released on June 5, but the sisters said in a video posted to Instagram earlier that week they decided to push the date back to June 12, in light of the protests against police brutality that began to capture national attention around that time.

“We were kind of numb in a way,” Chloe says. “We were feeling very overwhelmed and saddened by everything, but also hopeful because the youth were raising our voices. We’re really making a change. You could visually and physically see that. We felt like we should just put all of the attention on using our platform to shine the light on the injustices of our people. We didn’t want to make this moment about us that week. Music is healing and all we ever want to do is heal with our voice. But, we said, ‘Let’s just wait a week. It’s just one week. Let’s put our attention on the problems and the issues that matter the most to us right now.’”

“Whenever something as traumatizing as what went down happens, whenever somebody can see a man get murdered in the street, that’s traumatic,” Halle says. “We think about how that could have been our father, that could have been our little brother, that could have been our uncle — so it’s really hard for us to swallow that pill. With everyone raising their voices and using social media for the better and to try to get justice for George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and all of the others, it’s a beautiful thing. People can now see what has been happening for a very long time. For that, we are grateful. But at the same time, it’s very sad. It’s very traumatizing. We just try to hold our loved ones close and remain hopeful during this time, even though it’s hard. All we can do is try to use our platform to speak on the things that matter to us and try to get justice for those who need it.”

Chloe x Halle released their first album, “The Kids Are Alright,” in March 2018, when they were teenagers. The album took three years to make in part because, Halle says, “we were still trying to find our sound, and growing.” The new album, then, finds them much more confident in who they are and the sound they’re putting out.

“It felt more like we know who we are and we’re just sharing our experiences of what’s happened in our life,” Halle says. “The album takes you on a journey of all the ups and downs of womanhood and insecurities, and not knowing if you’ll be OK being by yourself, and then all of the relationship problems or relationship fun times. It’s all in there. I feel like it was much easier for us to do for this album because we had so much more to share and we knew more about who we were.”

“The Kids Are Alright” was created in the living room of the first house the family lived in after relocating to L.A. from Atlanta. After moving into a new home, the garage was converted into a studio. Though “Ungodly Hour” had more outside hands involved than the first record, it always came home at the end of the day for the sisters’ final touches. (They both executive produced the album and cowrote each song, with Chloe producing 10 of the 13 tracks.)

“I loved it because after we created the music with them, we were able to take the stems back home to our home studio and layer more of our harmonies into the song, and really add pieces of us that made the song feel like my sister and I,” Chloe says. “It was really collaborative. But we still executive produced it. We had our hands in everything on this album.”

Which is, of course, of note in an industry dominated by men. Halle says whenever they’d be in studio sessions with any major male producer, the fact that Chloe had made the beats always drew shock.

“They’re like, ‘What? You do that? This little girl, you did what?’” Halle says. “That’s always my favorite thing to see.”

It’s a confidence they’ve seen play out from their mentor, the one and only Beyoncé.

“Not only is she a fantastic musician and artist, but she is a wonderful businesswoman,” Chloe says of Beyoncé. “She knows what she wants and she’s not afraid to say it. She’s not afraid to be a perfectionist. That is very inspiring to me because a lot of times, women are seen in a different light when they are a boss and when they take leadership and when they raise their voices. But she has never been afraid of that. It’s so empowering for us as young women to see that and one day become that, and not be afraid to raise our voices and speak our minds, and speak up in business meetings and these conferences, and all that good stuff.”

Much about future projects remain suspended, but each sister has solo acting projects on the horizon (they star together in “Grown-ish” on Freeform). Halle made headlines when she was cast as Ariel in the upcoming live-action “The Little Mermaid,” which was shooting in London until the pandemic shutdown, and Chloe will be seen next in “The Georgetown Project” with Russell Crowe. Acting was their first love and they aim to pursue both simultaneously. But for now, in this moment, the focus is on music and how it acts as an instrument for positivity.

“One thing I know for sure, music is a universal language. No matter what anyone believes, music always, for some reason, gets through to them. So for my sister and me, it’s been very important for us to share our voices, to bring some healing, as well as to sometimes wake people up to things that need to be heard,” Halle says. “That’s all we can do with what we’re given.” [x]

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maviemesregles · 4 years

Text

Once I was an Eagle

Thanks to all who keeps following this story! For all your lovely comments and messages in DM. <3

I've had so much fun writing this chapter. Xmas music was on as early as November started and inspiration hit me to write a wee bit of festivity. Hope you enjoy it!

P.S. Of course for full experience turn on your Christmas playlist or just listen to Michael Buble album ;)

Thanks to my beta @eclecticstarlightconnoisseur as always :)

Read on AO3.

Chapter I: The beginnings

Chapter II: Sassenach

Chapter III: Catharsis

Chapter IV: Lovestruck. Part I

Chapter V: Lovestruck. Part II

Chapter VI: Flecks of Sun

Chapter VII: Mince pies & baubles

December

I used to think that I have grown out of loving Christmas time. In fact, I turned Scrooge-like and annoyed everyone around me with remarks about how this time has turned into something cynical, commercial, plastic. It wasn’t about love or family or Christianity anymore. Damn me, my Catholicism would be as fake as the myriad of Christmas advertisements. But this year something has changed. Or rather someone has changed it.

The snowflakes were dancing around the narrow streets of Edinburgh draping the roofs in white fluffy blankets. The naked trees outlining the alleys and parks and the dull grey sky were a reminder of the seasons changing. The chill in the air made people wrap their scarfs around their necks while their coats kept them toasty warm. Rosy-cheeked and smiling, the young, old and the smallest ones were peering into the shiny, glittery shop windows. My feet froze in front of one featuring a festive woodland scene. I noticed my own reflection in the shiny glass, seeing a smile touch my lips as I gazed upon the scene. The eyes of Beauchamp who was happy. I really was. Dizzyingly, drunkenly, unbelievably happy.

The whole month has passed since that horrifying evening that made me think of the possibility of losing Jamie.

The whole month of visits to Broch Mordha, of Jenny teaching me to cook (and failing), of Brian showing me different surroundings and telling me fascinating stories of the family Fraser (or clan as he called it).

Of me laughing until I would cry at the jokes Jamie’s godfather Murtagh made.

Of getting drunk and singing on the streets with Jamie and his childhood friends Angus and Rupert.

Of that sweet, touching feeling that made me so sentimental when Jenny and Ian’s children would call me Auntie Claire.

Of Geillis and me spending quiet cozy evenings together in my kitchen with a bottle of red.

Of Jamie and me trying to find a secure corner in Lallybroch to make love without being interrupted by his family.

Of us making plans for the summer and where we might spend our first vacation together. (me suggesting Rome, Jamie saying Amsterdam would be more interesting)

Of arguing over that for the first time and then having makeup sex that made the hairs on my skin rise and hide my eyes away from the neighbours the next day.

Of catching a cold and then giving it to one another, spending two days at home, snuggled up on the couch in the company of disgusting snotty tissues.

Of twenty-three mornings, days and nights of Jamie making me coffee, greeting the sunrise together and making love in the darkness of the night.

Of five hundred hours saying I love you.

* * *

“Claire? What takes ye so long? I’ll freeze all my manly bits down here waiting for ye.” Jamie’s voice sounded muffled, mixed up with the noise of the traffic outside. “Ye ken, ye could put on a Tesco bag as a dress and yer still be the most bonnie and sexy lass I’d ever seen.”

Snorting (not ladylike at all and reminding Adso to be a good boy), I put on the only pair of heels I’d own (sleek and shiny, black stiletto) finally making it outdoors.

December 20th was the day Geillis threw a Christmas party each year. Though this time I’d much prefer to stay at home with Jamie trying to recreate his mom’s Gingerbread cookies recipe. But, I could not say no to my best friend.

Jumping into the car I cursed feeling all the sharp embroidery of the dress I’d bought (a black bodycon, fully covered in beads, ending just slightly above my knees) dig into my skin.

“Jesus H.Roosevelt Christ!” I hissed as my hand immediately reached for the button of the heating control. “Of course you’d freeze everything in here, you bloody Scot.”

Expecting Jamie’s usual reaction - rolling his eyes, saying something in Gaelic I did not understand (on purpose), and then laughing at me, I turned my head.

“What?”

His mouth was slightly agape as his eyes travelled from my feet up to my body. Lingering for a second on my hips, he licked his lips. By the time his gaze reached my face, his eyes darkened becoming a stormy blue.

“What?” I repeated, shifting on the leather seat.

“Fuck,” All of a sudden he sounded exactly the same when he whispered my name with last thrusts inside me. “Yer the most gorgeous woman I’d ever seen, Sassenach.”

My heart started beating out of control. The way he looked at me - I already was seeing the stars without even being touched.

“Fuck?” My brow quirked in a question as I leaned to him, taking a fistful of his white collar. “Are you suggesting something, my lad?”

He swallowed. Not able to resist I dragged my tongue over his Adam’s apple. His skin tasted bitter (the cologne he’d used) and a bit stinging (the remnants of the stubble).

“I’ll have ye until ye forget yer own name,” Jamie’s finger drew intricate patterns up my leg, sliding over the black material of stockings.

My breath hitched as his hand slipped under the hem of my dress.

I bit my lower lip thinking Geillis would kill me if we were late. And surely my redheaded friend will make all kinds of inappropriate guesses as to why we did not arrive not on time.

Jamie removed his hand just as if he read my mind.

“Though there are at least a million and one things I would love to do to ye right now,” he brought his hands back to the steering wheel. “I canna wait another hour for ye to dress. And ye’d definitely need to change afterward.”

Jamie gave me the most awful wink that made me laugh out loud.

“I’ll hold you to a million and one things, James Fraser.”

As the evening progressed, we drank (wine and whisky, clearly a regret in the morning), Jamie devoured at least a dozen of canapes complaining that there’s no real food (and Geillis assuming with a smirk that “Claire, do ye no feed yer Highlander?”). We danced. My cheek resting just above his heart, arms wrapped around his neck, Jamie’s hands on the small of my back.

I ached. I felt hot and needy. More and more with each hour of Jamie’s innocent (not at all) words and texts (though we barely left each other) of what he was going to do to me once we are home.

An accidental (not) brush on Jamie’s leg with the tip of my shoe under the table.

A squeeze of his hand on my hip as we danced.

A chaste kiss in the company of Geillis watching us and the one that took my breath away when no one paid attention.

On our way back the car windows steamed up with alcoholic breath or perhaps it was from the mist of desire floating between us.

When my aching feet crossed the threshold, kicking off the shoes, Jamie’s hand closed the door pressing me against it. The skin on my face was hot, flushed. But Jamie's fingertips ran over my heated body leaving a pleasantly cool trail over my cheek and neck.

I was nothing but my body. The dim hall light blurred into one endless mirage. He was kissing me then. The tip of my nose. With a quite mumble “cute one”.

His lips hot with desire blazed a path of sweet kisses. My eyelids. Cheeks. Lips.

When my dress fluttered down my body to the floor with a soft rustling Jamie led me to the bedroom.

Our lovemaking was the bridge to one another that we had built and rebuilt every time our bodies joined. In the aftermath, we laid in the darkness of the room with the only sound of Adso’s purring interrupting the pleasant stillness.

Limbs still entwined, Jamie drew me even closer seeking to imprint our union forever into the skin. I curled up around him, my lips pressed to a soft curl on his neck.

Through the soothing warmth of sleep, I thought I heard Jamie mumble something about buying a Christmas tree and going to Broch Mordha.

For where all love is, the speaking is unnecessary. It is all. It is undying. And it is enough.

* * *

Mornings in winter were very dark and cold. But at the same time cosy and serene, despite the cold that drew a frozen lace upon my cheeks each time I ran down to my car in a hurry to warm it up. Nights last much longer bringing that peacefulness with them. It was my favourite time. I could curl up covered by a heavy duvet, wrapped up in Jamie’s embrace, listening to his heartbeat. The darkness of winter mornings was a chance for my lips to find that hollow space on Jamie’s neck in the dark, where he was tender and delicate. I would press a kiss there, his skin smelling musky with his own perfume and the memory of our lovemaking.

Later, when the sun warmed up the room, my legs felt like Jello from morning sex and I dissolved limp and slick as I lay on top of Jamie. Despite my amorous morning activities, my mind was still partly sleepy. Jamie, on the other hand, was out of bed in seconds, urging me to hurry up. In the end, it wasn’t a dream about buying a tree. Jamie had the whole plan set up and I obediently followed him. Though I wasn’t sure why I’d need a Christmas tree when we were going to celebrate in Broch Mordha with his family.

Morning began with having fresh croissants in the bakery with herbal tea and polishing off with mulled wine from the market stall (Jamie saying it’s not a crime at this time of the year after my remark that we look like chronical alcoholics sipping Gluhwein in the middle of the day).

Jamie stoically handled my nagging about the pine needles that’ll be all over my beige carpet, Adso’s misbehaving and surely kicking the tree down, and how awful we are chopping down the real one.

He rolled his eyes only several times as I kept choosing one tree over another. We’d spent about three hours at the tree farm, becoming cold to the point I couldn’t feel my toes anymore. We struggled for thirty minutes to load the green beauty to Jamie’s car and laughed so hard, the passerby surely thought us mental.

I had spilled the hot cocoa all over my jacket and dropped mushy marshmallows to the car seat. Jamie hoovered the insides of his car for another hour trying to get rid of the pine needles and the mess I’ve created. He cursed in Gaelic every other second as he tried to fit the three through the doorway. All of this adventure was so far away from the perfect but it felt so real, so ours, and so magical.

“I love you.” I whispered into his lips, being held up high in Jamie’s arms. I retrieved a box of vintage tree ornaments and lights from the highest shelf in my flat knowing that they would be just perfect on our tree.

When the pink and fluffy skies turned into the dark-blue, Jamie and I sat on the floor amongst packets of tinsel, tangled lights, and shiny baubles.

My life never resembled anything close to what one would see on a TV commercial. It had been some time since I truly felt happy at Christmas, now I felt as though that feeling of peak and joy come back.

As the second mug of tea was drunk, I sat with my back pressed to Jamie’s chest, his knees as two guards around my hips. The Spotify Christmas playlist and the warmth of Jamie next to me made me feel half sleepy as I lazily dug through the decorations.

“Where did ye get all of those?” He pointed to the box of baubles.

My fingers that fought stubborn mess of tangled lights, froze.

“It’s from my childhood.” My voice sounded distant. “I know it’s a pile of old crap, but I could never throw it away.”

Jamie’s lips softly touched the back of my neck.

“Tis no crap, Sassenach. Tis yer memories. And ye should always keep em here.” His hand came around my chest and laid over my frantically beating heart.

Suddenly my mind conjured up the picture that was still so vivid. It is 1991 and our Christmas tree is ridiculous. At least that’s what four years old me thinks and I don’t forget to inform my dad of my thoughts. My father stands on the ladder that dangerously wobbles as he tries to secure a star on top of the tree. There is Miracle on 34th street rolling on TV and my mum plugs in the Christmas lights. I happily squeal and grin at the sight of it. My parents kiss and I say it’s gross but just then dad chases me over the room to give me sloppy kisses on my cheeks. I explode with giggles and ask for the hundredth time when Santa is going to come. We eat the best roast dinner and watch Home Alone, the three of us curled up on the couch. I’m beyond thrilled I’m allowed to stay up late but fall asleep right after the movie finishes. In the morning I am a proud owner of a doll in a blue dress that Santa had brought me.

And now I realize that Christmas tree from distant 1991 was just the perfect one. As perfect as the one I was looking at now, with Jamie’s arms wrapped around my waist.

It was tall, brushing the ceiling, filled with all the ornaments I own, bathed in tinsels and ceramic snowflakes.

“Shall we?” Jamie kissed the tip of my ear and plugged the lights in.

The tree shone and my heart together with it.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Well, now I have to move my things in here.” Jamie spun me in his arms humming to Buble’s version “It’s beginning to look like Christmas”

My brows furrowed as I escaped his embrace to steal a piece of mince pie we’d bought two days earlier. (Jamie with an almost childlike squeal plodded down the aisle of Christmas stuff in Waitrose, saying we must get these).

“Why so?” I pinched his jaw with my forefinger and thumb.

“For one,” Jamie raised a finger to tap down my nose, followed by a slightest of lips brush. “I’m terribly worried for the health of yer wee cheetie. Those awful candles ye buy and burn, Sassenach. A Dhia, the poor cat will suffocate.”

I snorted.

“Nonsense. You love it.”

A high-pitched squealing left my throat as I tried to escape Jamie’s hand that made an attempt to smack my arse. Adso that has been observing his parents from a nest made out of a duvet on the couch sniffed, yawned and walked away, showing with all his being how ridiculous we are. (And yes, Jamie declared that now he’s the full-time dad to my cat taking into account the amount of time he spends at my flat).

“And second of all,” my boyfriend with a grace better than Adso’s reached me in two steps. “We have bought a Christmas tree together. That’s a commitment. A serious one.”

Failing in my attempt to hide behind the aforementioned tree I let Jamie take me by the wrist, drawing me into his arms. He let his hands scatter down my sides, stopped for a second to knead my hips, finally squeezing my bottom with the most mischievous look I’ve ever seen him make.

“God, yer arse.”

“A commitment?” I licked my lips feeling my heart beating frantically. “What you have in mind, Mr Fraser?”

Jamie started to sway us in a slow rocking dance motion, turning off the main light with his left hand. The room sank into a cozy glow of Christmas lights that flickered on the baubles and tinsel. The candles that lived on my coffee table (now Christmas edition - Spiced Gingerbread and Twisted Peppermint) gave a touch of a true home, drawing the shadowy patters on the wall. As the voice of Buble sang “I’ll be home for Christmas, you can plan on me…”

Jamie leaned forward to kiss me with a whisper.

“I think we should move in together, Claire.”

#once i was an eagle #outlander #outlander fic #modern au #outlander fanfic #the frasers #claire beauchamp #jamie fraser #maviemesregles #angst #fluff #christmas #xmas

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rainydawgradioblog · 3 years

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My Clown Claude

Tucked away in the hidden levels of Pike Place lies a treasure chest of sorts, one you would experience only in dreams (or nightmares). A sweet elderly man welcomes you to The Antique Touch, where miles upon miles of vintage salt and pepper shakers smile both kindly and eerily. It is here I experienced love at first sight, an authentic Seattle meet cute. A lone clown, without a pepper shaker clown to call his own, drew me in. I immediately purchased this mystical joker and gave him a home on my windowsill, among my everlasting flowers and disco ball light. Named French by a british boy, Claude is the light that keeps me going during these rainy Seattle days. This blog post is dedicated to him, and the music he would listen to if his ears weren’t made of porcelain. Claude, if you’re alive and move around my room in the twilight hours, I hope you know I love you and your cute little burnt Sienna cheeks.

“Fifty-fifty Clown” - Cocteau Twins

Ignoring the Claude related pun, Cocteau Twins never fail to impress with their tantalizing rhythms and rhymes (on the rare occasion one can actually understand what Elizabeth Fraser is saying). “Fifty-fifty Clown” immediately draws listeners in, with a hypnotizing beat and a synth effect throughout the song that sounds as sweet as candy. I imagine Claude listening to this as he puts his makeup on before a night out on the town, or while driving late at night through the PNW. As for us living beings, “Fifty-fifty Clown” (and the majority of Cocteau Twins hits) is a song for dancing, crying, loving, or simply staring at the ceiling for an undisclosed amount of time.

“Nightcall” - Kavinsky

“Nightcall” begins with the sound of coins clinking together inside a telephone booth. As a person makes a call, a wolf howls in the back, and all at once Kavinsky’s atmosphere engulfs us with a sticky, tangy, mind bending groove. With the help of Lovefoxxx’s voice, this track creates a dreamy, almost supernatural world in the span of 4 minutes and 18 seconds. Claude would listen to this track as he was driving away from a late-night robbery gone wrong, with tears in his eyes and money in the backseat. You can listen to this track while you dance in your room and reminisce about your pre-pandemic life, as I do about eight times a week.

“Heavy Wave” - Motorama

Off Motorama’s 2015 album Poverty, “Heavy Wave” brings a taste of summer to the usual dark feels that surround Russian new wave/post punk music. Frontman Vladislav Parshin’s dulcet and phantom-like voice leaves listeners in a head bopping trance, while the accompanying bass line adds a steady beat throughout the entire ditty. Claude would listen to this song while he was folding his laundry on a breezy summer day, reminiscing about the lover he left behind in Italy. For non-clowns, this tune is perfect for the ephemeral moment in day when the sun is released from behind the grey Seattle clouds and everything feels a little more okay.

“Fade To Grey” - Visage

I discovered this song while watching the fantastic Xavier Dolan film, Laurence Anyways. I’ve linked the exact moment it’s used in the movie so folks can see how brilliant it is! What can I say? The buildup throughout “Fade To Grey” is genius, and the addition of French lyrics by Brigitte Arens makes it even more layered and spellbinding. Claude would listen to this song while at a badass 80s dance party, and you can listen to it whenever you want to feel like the main character.

“The Chauffeur” - Duran Duran

Wish I was exaggerating when I say I have listened to “The Chauffeur” 40 times a day this past week. I can’t place a finger on what my infatuation stems from- is it the otherworldly beat? The Ocarina riff? The quintessential lyrics? Or is it the fact that all three of these things make me feel like I’m floating in the astral plane each time I listen? Whatever it may be, this is easily my favorite song as of late, and I hope it can find a home on one of your playlists as well. Since Claude lives in my room, he would listen to this song from the top to the bottom of the day, most likely because I’ve forced him to.

“Reflektor” - Arcade Fire

A stunner from Montreal natives Arcade Fire, “Reflektor” features a french pre-chorus from Régine Chassagne and backing vocals from the one and only David Bowie. Accompanied by the heavy synth and rhythm throughout the entire song, this hit feels like a metallic grey spaceship from another world. There’s tons of interpretations to this song and instead of giving my own take, I encourage you all to give it a listen and make it mean whatever you want it to. Claude would listen to this song while on psychedelics as he saw his clown friend’s face melt away, and you can do the same! Cheers!

“Vanessa” - Grimes

Easily my favorite Grimes song, “Vanessa” is a dreamy ballad about the pains of loving. The repeated chorus reminds me of “Nobody” by Mitski, minus the emotional breakdown. Instead, Grimes seems to become more and more apathetic about their situation throughout the song, and their voice almost blends into the synth beat by the end. Claude would listen to this song while getting over a breakup, and you can listen to it while ignoring the fact that Grimes is married to Elon Musk (???).

“Mai” - Videoclub

Since Claude is a French name, it was only natural for me to feature a song from French teen duo Videoclub. Even for people sans Francais, “Mai” offers a candied background melody for any daily activity. My favorite line would have to be “Me nourrir uniquement de la nuit et de ses défauts, et de sa folie” which roughly translates to “Feed myself only of the night, of its flaws and of its madness.”, which is pure beauty. Claude would listen to this song on a train to Paris, and you can listen to it on the bus or light rail whilst staring out the window and pretending you’re in a music video.

“The Upstairs Room” - The Cure

A hidden B-side gem from The Cure, “The Upstairs Room” features the iconic Cure sound with classic Robert Smith lyrics. Fun, simple, sweet, “The Upstairs Room” is a reliable tune for any time of the day (or night). Claude would listen to this song in the middle of a midlife crisis as he shaves his head in his roommate’s bathroom. You can listen to this song while doing the same activity, or to fuel your motivation whilst writing term papers late at night that are due in twenty minutes (I can vouch from personal experience that it does work!).

“Melody (1983 Radio Version)” - Plustwo

This might possibly be one of the most addictive songs I have ever heard. From Italo-disco band Plustwo, “Melody” is a reliable hit for the times you feel nostalgic over Euroraves and disco balls. The four members' voices weave in and out of each other throughout the song in perfect harmony, never overlapping others or becoming too overbearing. Claude would listen to this song at three in the morning after seven cups of coffee, and you can listen to it to groove with friends at a safe six feet distance.

I hope Claude and I were able to introduce you to some new songs and I hope you enjoyed getting to know him through this post. If I ever catch Claude moving around in the wee hours of the night, Rainy Dawg Blawg will be the first to know.

Till next time! - Naomi Zamarripa

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snoopysfriendwoodstock · 4 years

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the reason we (i) think reputation is taylor's last-ranked album is bc we've seen what she was capable of with all the other albums and it was just not up to par! anyways, i know your fave is speak now but idk if i've ever seen you rank the songs so.. i would love to get your ranking on the songs from speak now, if you can do it

yes! i think also it’s like. we’ve seen what drew us to taylor and rep was different so it’s difficult to enjoy it bc it wasn’t what we associate with our love for her. and that is ok... but this is VERY difficult but i will DO IT!!! and going to give little explanations because why not

1. dear john - not only tragic but showcases her abilities to reflect on a relationship in earnest examining both how she was hurt and why she was hurt while demanding the other person take accountability.

2. the story of us - i WISH SHE WOULD WRITE MORE SONGS LIKE THIS

3. haunted - again, this album explored so many different areas of her musical ability and it was ENTIRELY SELF WRITTEN

4. last kiss - the little shaky breath... god

5. never grow up - said it before and will say it again this song is GENIUS. the way she breaks down near the end as she finally grapples with the fact that she can never be little again because her friends are starting to have babies? like hi.

6. enchanted - beautifully written, captures the entire mood of the album. scott should have let her call the album wonderstruck

7. if this was a movie - i’ve just always loved this song! it ties in so beautifully with the rest of the album being her attempting to hold onto her view of love as a fairytale while realizing it’s nothing like the movies.

9. sparks fly - she wrote this at age SIXTEEN... and yet somehow it fits speak now so perfectly! I love it. it’s so cinematic

9. back to december - the ULTIMATE entry in the “taylor swift takes the blame” universe

10. long live - tell me you don’t cry when you listen to this. TELL ME! with a straight face! i love her. but she’s not one i consistently choose to listen to

11. ours - god... if you didn’t feel something grow in your heart when you heard her say “don’t you worry your pretty little mind / people throw rocks at things that shine” for the first time...

12. mine - again! perfectly fits why i love speak now so much. a story that’s so perfectly captured in the 4ish minutes of the song.

13. better than revenge - SUE ME! i love this song. the fact that she quotes “much better” in it? god i love her

14. speak now - i think this song is SO fun! i love it’s position in the taylor swift laughing during a song universe. it’s just such a silly story and i love it for that

15. superman - i love this one too! i think it’s slightly underrated but also I’m not gonna fight anyone for not liking it

16. mean - okay i LOOOVED this song in 2011 but like... the way she says “how i can’t SANG” like . so funny. thank you

17. innocent - it’s good but it’s not at the same time and i love that. also SO condescending it’s hilarious i love her

#taylor

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awkwardtaco056 · 5 years

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so now that i’m no longer in the Hell that was school and after finding the lovely blog @endcringe i’ve decided to talk about my own experiences with cringe culture, bullying, and why it’s Really Bad to not let people enjoy inherently harmless things, especially neurodivergent people (read more because this is gonna get long and triggering at times, TW for mentions of bullying, suicide, child abuse, a brief mention of incest shipping. I won’t be naming any of the peers that I discuss my experiences with, because my point with this post is Not to “cancel” anyone, I just want to speak out on my experiences)

I’m neurodivergent; I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8 years old. I didn’t know a lot about it, and a family member even painted it as “oh it’s nothing blah blah blah just apply yourself more. Because of this, I had no idea about the concept of hyperfixations until I was in my late teens. Due to that, I would obsess over random things and my family would shame me relentlessly for it. My mother said I had an “addictive personality” and that she feared I’d end up a drug addict or alcoholic because of it.

I look younger than what I am, I’m short, and small. AKA, the perfect candidate for being picked on by people bigger and stronger than me. People made fun of my art when I was around 13, but fortunately that was an instance where spite fueled me to improve drastically. However, just because I happened to take the shitty comments and have it fuel me then does NOT mean bullying people will have that effect all the time. At some point someone put my old South Park fan art on a cringe blog. I was temporarily hurt, and a little angry, but I realized that if someone was making fun of a 15 year old’s art, they probably didn’t have much going for them in life, so I moved on.

Fast forward to high school. Everything was horrible and I’m not exaggerating when I say I barely made it out alive. I was living in an abusive household up until January 2018 and I found comfort in many different interests. I’ve always found great comfort in music and the arts in general. In 2016, I drew a picture of a mermaid. I was inspired by the chocolate opal gemstone, and I thought it’d be fun to draw a gay chubby mermaid with dark skin and a rainbow tail and freckles. Junior year was lousy and I wanted something that sparked Joy. I was immediately told that “scientifically, mermaids wouldn’t look like that. Mind you, my take looked like this:

Obviously I wasn’t going for realism, I just wanted to draw a cute mermaid. However, they continued to tell me that they wouldn’t look like that, going as far as writing so on the back of said drawing. When I got angry at her for taking it too far (as I’d established before that I didn’t like it when people wrote on my art without permission), they got angry back, accusing me of being unable to take criticism. Heated by the accusation, I went as far as asking my art teacher if it was fair for them to say that, and she said no, stating that constructive criticism would be talking about how I could improve my lineart and coloring in the digital version. I took her actual helpful criticism and since then have improved Drastically in digital art. Even with that being said, I found myself hesitant to participate in things such as MerMay because I was leery of hearing that peer berate me for having cartoony mermaids.

During high school I grew to love many musicians, a lot of emo/alternative stuff, a couple being Twenty One Pilots and Melanie Martinez. I love how unique TOP’s style is, their open discussion of mental illness, and as someone who had a rough childhood, I connected with every single song on Cry Baby. It was like nothing I’d ever heard. I started listening to mashups featuring all these different artists I love, adoring how they could change the tone and sound so drastically. A peer Bully of mine in junior year condemned these two artists, declaring that they made “Bad Music” simply because it didn’t fit their tastes. They’d throw my drawings on the ground, write over them in pen, steal my headphones so I couldn’t listen to music, push me around, complain that mashups sucked and gave them a headache, and in general shit all over conetnt that was actively preventing me from committing suicide.

Some family members were no better. Once high school hit, I began listening to Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, and My Chemical Romance. Their deep complex lyrics stuck with me. I would write down quotes from my favorite songs and thanks to hyperfixating, I remember each studio album in order My mother resented when I fell in love with the “Emo Trinity” because “the Columbine shooters were emo and that event traumatized me” Despite that, not only did the Columbine tragedy occur in 1999 and none of the bands got together until the early 2000s, but I have a pretty good feeling those groups aren’t For gun violence. The other side constantly criticized the fact that I love FOB, P!ATD, and MCR because I’m black and “why must you listen to that white people music.”

I grew fond of Dan and Phil in high school (and I’m still a fan to this day!), I loved Phil’s kindness and positive aura and I deeply connect with Dan’s sense of humor and personality. Their content made me happy during some very dark times in my life. It’s November 2017, I’m over a close peer’s house at the time, and notice PINOF is upon us. I drew the PINOF whiskers on my face, my plan being to quietly watch them in the corner of peer’s bedroom on my phone through headphones, the others were doing their own thing and I knew they didn’t like them, so I thought they’d respect it if I silently indulged in it. Unfortunately, the complete opposite happened. I was immediately shunned and locked out of the bedroom, told that I’d only be let back in if I washed the whiskers off because “absolutely not”. Me, being stubborn, washed them off temporarily but drew them back on in the room. Life during then was especially bad for me, as the abusive household I was in was getting worse. They noticed, of course, and even though all I wanted was to enjoy this small tradition in a time during a deep depression, I was immediately shoved out the room and locked out, only to have said peer’s family members notice. I’m a relatively shy person, so this was honesty a really harrowing experience that had a lasting effect on me.

I grew to adore Sanders Sides as well, but the moment I found out most of my peers didn’t like Thomas, I was terrified. I stopped watching Dan and Phil’s content for months and shied away from other fandoms too, only occasionally indulging in times of complete solitude. One time when said peers were due to visit my house for the first time, I saw the Phandom and Fander stuff I’d hung up on my wall in my little sanctuary that was my bedroom (it was the first time in years I’d had my own room), and I was filled with panic and fear. I took them down and hid them away, genuinely terrified of what they’d do to me if they saw. It’s still incites so much anger in me to this day because they turned around and ended up shipping incest, but somehow liking D&P and Sanders Sides was So. Much. Worse.

They were baffled by my actions, despite having humiliated me Twice by going on a private blog of mine separate from everything so that I could fully indulge and laughing at everything on there, once at a peer’s house, once right in school. I don’t think they realized how traumatizing it was to have a large group of people in public laughing at something I was deeply self conscious about for all of my life. I put on a brave face at the time, but ended up crying in the bathroom after first period began. I continued to be treated as lesser until things came to an ugly head August 2018 when I ended up in the hospital because I nearly attempted suicide. Years of child abuse, bullying, and being deemed “cringy” made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be alive, that everyone would be happier if I were gone.

After arguably one of the lowest points in my life, I cut them off and slowly began to embrace the Real Me. I started letting myself enjoy the things again, made true friends and even found love, my first boyfriend ever at 18. I still get choked up retelling it, but when PINOF 10 dropped, after he found out how much I’d been hurt over the incident in 2017, I was greeted with a photo of him with the whiskers on his face. I cried for a while, blown away at such a pure act of kindness. He listens to me ramble about my interests, he compliments my taste in music, he watched K-12 with me.

This got incredibly long, but my point is this: Cringe Culture hurts people. You might think it’s whatever if the Thing doesn’t apply to your interests, but content you’re denouncing as cringy could be something that’s keeping them alive, that one flicker of light in a void of darkness. When I was contemplating suicide, I listened to The Black Parade, repeating Gee’s words to myself over and over, that nothing in the world was worth hurting yourself over. Some friendly joshing here and there is okay, but actively ripping someone to shreds constantly to the point where they have a mental breakdown in front of you and later on plan their own demise is disgusting. Nobody should abuse anyone for having harmless interests, no one. Unless you’re participating in p*dophilic/inc*st/s*xual assault/inherently abusive ships/content and pretending it’s not bad because “Fiction doesn’t impact reality!”, you have every right to like what you like and be happy. Read homestuck. Play Undertale. Draw up the Wildest OCs you can imagine. And stay away from people who try to rob you of innocent fun, life is too short and in this cruel, unforgiving world, you deserve to be happy, whether you’re a 13 year old who draws cute furries, a 16 year old cosplayer on TikTok, a VSCO girl, a 30 year old who writes/draws self insert art or a 20 year old who adores Invader Zim.

Cringe Culture is just bullying under a different name, and it can lead to many instances of people, especially fellow neurodivergent folk to feel isolated and ostracized. Attempting to bully someone out of an interest they have isn’t going to fix them; it’s more often than not going to cause more damage. I suffer from diagnosed C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and sometimes I still find myself trying to over-justify my interests. To all who are roped up in bad homes and lousy “friends” who berate you for your innocent passions, I’m sorry you’re suffering, things will one day get better even if it doesn’t feel like it, and fuck those people. I’d also like to note that sometimes even if it seems more terrifying, it’s better to have one or two close friends you can truly trust than a whole group that walks all over you. You have every right to call them out for treating you poorly, and if things don’t improve, you also have every right to leave.

You have a right to live your True Self.

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queenismyprimejive · 5 years

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Roles Reversed (80s! Roger Taylor x Fem! Reader)

Synopsis: Roger’s and Reader’s sex life is in a slum. According to Roger at least. To make matters worse, he decided to share it with the world. With the help of a friend, Reader decides to teach him a lesson.

W/C: 4,308 (She is long and she is filthy; no regrets though)

Warnings: 18+ Pure smut. Sub/dom dynamics, Sub! Roger/Dom! Reader. Pegging, edging, overstimulation/orgasm control, oral (fem receiving). Slight bdsm, if you squint that is. You name it it’s in here.

A/N: I got this idea from someone who said it would be a welcome change to see 80s Roger in a more submissive setting, so here it is. This is probably the filthiest filth I have ever written in my life as a writer so please be patient with me.

“(Y/n), darling, it is so good to see you again, it’s been too long!”, Freddie exclaimed as he enveloped you in a hug and pressed a kiss to each cheek.

“Indeed, it has Fred, it’s good to see you too”, you smiled as you thankfully accepted the glass of champagne pressed into your hand.

The party that Freddie was throwing right now marked the end of months of writing and recording songs as they had just finished their newest album. Not that Freddie needed a reason to throw a party in the first place.

Upon entering the house, Roger had long disappeared in the crowd as you were left alone until you found a familiar face in the form of Freddie.

“Come one love, let me hear all about what’s keeping you these days”.

Freddie was usually the life of the party and he excelled in that role, so the fact that he actually took the time to catch up with you warmed your heart. He led me out to the patio overlooking the garden. As soon as we were out of reasonable hearing range of the rest of the guests, he turned to you. His otherwise cheerful expression got a more serious one.

“How are you really (Y/n)? How are you and Roger?”

His question surprised you. Roger and you had a good time together. You may not have seen each other that much lately because of the new album and your busy job but those were no reason to think there was something wrong regarding your relationship.

“I don’t know Fred… we’re doing really good I think. I know we’ve both been busy but…. Has Roger mentioned something about that?”

You saw Freddie hesitating, contemplating whether or not to tell you but now you only wanted to know more.

“I know it’s probably not my place to tell you, but Roger has been complaining a lot recently about not having a sex life anymore, I mean with the stamina he has…”, Freddie trailed off.

“What?!”, you whispered-yelled, “he said what?!” You couldn’t believe what you just heard. “Who did he complain to?”

“Me, Brian, John, the producer, the tech guys at the studio…”.

“So basically everyone”, you stated but you didn’t need any more confirmation from Freddie to know the embarrassing truth. You felt a lump come up in your throat, but it wasn’t one of sorrow, but one of anger and shame.

“I’ve never been more humiliated in my life”, you mumbled as you crossed eyes with Freddie. His gaze was one of pity, but that was of little use to you at the moment.

“I’m sorry (Y/n), we tried to warn him, we advised him to discuss these matters with you, but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Then what do I do now?”, you whispered as you looked down at your hands.

“Give him a taste of his own medicine”, Freddie answered casually.

That immediately drew your attention and surprised your eyebrows. “And how am I supposed to do that Fred?”

“Simple”, Freddie started, “you know how Roger likes to be in control, to have control over every aspect of his life, what if you were to take that control away from him? He’d sure think twice before discussing your sex life in public.”

“You make it sound so easy Fred, but I honestly have no idea where to start”, you sighed.

“That’s easy darling, try making him believe he is in control, and when he least expects it you take over.”

You let out a soft chuckle. “Thanks for the advice Fred, but right now I want nothing more than to go home”.

He nodded silently. “I’m sorry to hear that but I understand. Come, I’ll fetch you a car ride home”.

Once you got home, you decided to go to bed in time. But no matter how much you turned and wrestled with the blanket; you couldn't sleep. The thought of the fact that Roger had thrown your sex life out on the street, kept haunting your mind.

A few hours later, when Roger finally came home and pressed himself against you, you were still wide awake. And despite Freddie's advice, you had no idea how teach Roger who was really in control.

Today was the day, you had decided. Roger was out of the house doing press releases and interviews with the rest of band for the upcoming release of their new album, which gave you the perfect opportunity to get everything you needed for tonight. To say you were nervous was an understatement. Sure, Roger had been dropping hints about you being dominant during sex, but it had never really been an option until now. Furthermore, this entire evening was to teach Roger a lesson, not necessarily to have fun. That was just an added bonus. Just the thought of having Roger at your mercy, hands tied, legs spread and cock hard, made something in your lower stomach tingle.

After a long, extensive day of shopping, keeping Freddie’s advice in mind, you finally got everything you thought you’d need. Since Roger wasn’t going to come home until late in the evening, you had plenty of time to prepare for wat was to come. First on your list was a long hot shower. Using his favourite shampoo of yours for tonight was certainly going to get him going.

As you towelled yourself dry you took a look at the lingerie you had bought for the occasion. It was by no means modest, and it was probably the most revealing set you had ever owned. The bra was all black and all lace but had half cups, so your nipples remained exposed. The panties were equally as daring. It was made in the same material as the bra and left little to the imagination. Roger was sure to be mind blown seeing you in this set. The outfit was completed with a sheer black robe, only just concealing what you had hidden underneath. It was held together by a red, satin sash. Makeup-wise you decided to keep it simple. A little touch of mascara and some red lipstick would do the trick.

Just as you had put the finishing touches on your look and had places all the items you needed for the night in the drawer of your bedside table, you heard a key being turned in the lock. Good, Roger was home.

“Babe?”, you heard Roger call from downstairs.

“Bedroom”, you called back.

You heard the creaking of the steps as Roger made his ascend on the stairs. Your heart started hammering as his footsteps neared closer. This was it. It was finally happening.

“Well you sure look like a sight for sore eyes”.

You looked up and made eye-contact with Roger who stood in the door opening, a small grin tucking at the corners of his lips.

“What?”, you said defensively, “can’t a girl get herself some nice things?”

“Sure, can love, you won’t hear me complaining”, he smirked.

You hopped off the bed and sauntered your way over to Roger, making sure your hips swayed at each step.

"Did you miss me?", you asked while you put your hands in his neck.

“I always miss you”, he murmured before pressing his lips to yours. His hands continued their descend down your body before cupping your ass through the soft fabric of your robe.

He bit your bottom lip, silently asking permission to deepen the kiss, which you granted him for the time being, He pulled you flush against him, his need for you already evidently pressing against your thighs.

“Rog…too…too many clothes”, you moaned against his lips as you started tugging at the hem of his shirt in an attempt to take it off.

Roger smirked as he pulled the shirt over his head. “So impatient love, someone is needy”.

“You have no idea Rog”, you said as you placed a hand on his now naked chest to push him towards the bed.

After he had himself settled against the cushions he pulled you on top of him. You let out a whimper as your sensitive clit made contact with the rough denim of his jeans. You grounded yourself against his clothed erection which in turn elicited a soft groan from him.

“Baby you’re driving me crazy”, he moaned as he grabbed your hips to hold himself against you, thus creating more friction.

“That’s kind of the point love”, you smirked while slowly untying the red satin sash that was holding your robe together. You then shrugged the concealing robe of your shoulders.

“Well… do you like what you see?”, you questioned as you let your fingers dance across his soft stomach.

You saw Roger’s eyes grow wide as he saw what you were actually wearing.

“Fuck baby you look amazing”, he groaned, “I mean look at your tits, they’re just…fuck”.

He twisted his right hand in your hair as he brought your head down to seal your lips in another heated kiss. You felt his other hand travelling downwards, tracing the line of your panties.

“Oh no, these stay on baby”, you murmured against his lips as you pulled his hand away from your lower body. You entwined both your hands with his and brought them over his head. As he slid his tongue in your mouth you fumbled with the satin sash to tie his hands against the headboard.

“Fuck… love what are you doing?”, he panted as soon as he realized what was happening. He tugged at the binds, but they wouldn’t give way.

“I’m taking control baby, I thought you wanted me to?” You whispered coyly against his lips. As soon as he reached in to seal the kiss you pulled back, admiring the handiwork you had created.

“Now…”, you started as you softly traced his jaw, “are you going to be a good boy and let me take control?”

Roger’s eyed widened as soon as he realized what was going to happen. He nodded eagerly but that was just not going to cut it for you.

“I need an answer Rog”, you said as you wound your hand in his hair and gave a firm tug, causing him to focus his attention back to you. When he still didn’t answer you grew impatient and grinded your clit against his already rock-hard but still clothed member.

“Fuck…yes baby…I.. I’ll be your good boy”, he moaned, “just… please”.

“What Roger?”, you asked sweetly. Of course, you knew him all to well to know what he wanted. You just wanted to hear him say it himself.

“Please…. just touch my cock”, he groaned, and he bucked up against your hips to cause some friction, but you wouldn’t budge.

“First rule to being a good boy Roger is to lay still. Can you do that for me baby or do I have to tie your legs as well?”, you questioned as you grabbed his jaw causing him to lock eyes with you again.

“Nnn…. noo I’ll be good I promise… please”, he moaned.

You slid of Roger’s lap and settled in between his thighs. You kept thorough eye contact with him as you slowly unbuckled his belt and pulled his pants down. His now freed cock was already hard and sported an angry red colour. Precum was dripping steadily from the tip already and you hadn’t even started. You had half the mind to just forfeit and wrap your lips around his cock to bring him to an earth-shattering orgasm, but then you reminded yourself that his please wasn’t priority number one. It was his punishment. So, you started doing something he was bound to dislike, purely because it took too much time.

You started by placing soft licks and kisses up his inner thigh, admiring the soft feel of flesh beneath your lips. Roger was already squirming by your actions but that didn’t stop you from continuing. You kissed all the way up his thigh until just below his cock, before you pulled away and resumed the same set of actions on his other thigh.

“Baby please…. Just…”, he moaned as he writhed beneath you.

“Now who is the impatient one?”, I asked before slowly biting the pale flesh.

You gazed up briefly to see just how fucked out he already looked. Lips parted, eyes closed, a sheer layer of sweat coating his face and upper chest, blonde locks matted against his forehead. It warmed your heart to realize that you were the one who accomplished that.

You reached over to the bedside table and pulled out a bottle of lube. You squirted some in your hand before slowly wrapping it around his cock.

“Fuck yes baby please… just like that”, Roger moaned loudly and bucked up in your fist. You immediately halted your movements.

“Why did you stop?”, Roger groaned.

“Remember our first rule Roger?”, You replied sweetly, only barely holding his cock in your hand, giving him friction but just not enough.

Hazy blue orbs met yours in slight fear as he realised his mistake.

His head fell back against the pillow, “Not to move… y… you told me not to move”.

“Such a good boy for me Roger”, you said as you resumed your actions with your hand.

“Baby I… I’m close”, Roger moaned out and you realise that was your que to intervene.

As you edged Roger closer to an orgasm, or what he thought you were doing, you slid home a peculiar looking ring that you were told he was going to love.

“Baby… fuck.. what the hell is that?”, he groaned as he gazed upon the thin metal ring now sitting snugly at the base of his cock.

“This is a cockring Roger”, you said casually. “You might have heard of it actually. Funny thing really, the lady in the store told me how it actually works”.

“How about it?”

“Well…”, you started. “The beauty about this thing is the difference between being able to cum.. or not. See?”, you responded as you continued moving your hand up and down his cock, holding it a little firmer than before.

“Too… I’m too sensitive”, Roger stuttered out as he bucked his hips in a desperate attempt to get away from your touch, but you wouldn’t let him have it that easily.

“And now maybe you don’t get to cum, but I can”, you smirked.

Roger stared at you confused.

“Do I have to spell it out for you Roger? If you let me cum like I know you can, maybe, just maybe I will let you cum too, how does that sound?”.

Roger moaned, but again this was an answer you could hardly work with, so you squeezed his cock a little harder to which he yelped and writhed his hips. “Good…that sounds good”, he moaned as he threw his head back into the pillow.

You release his cock and crawled up his body to resume a new position with your pussy above his face. Roger groaned when he realized you were wearing crotchless panties. You felt yourself become wetter at what was to come.

“Well… what are you waiting for?”

His first lick up your pussy had you jolting against his mouth. “Fuck… Rog that feels good. Keep…keep doing that”. Before you and Roger had gotten together you complained about how no guy had ever been able to make you cum with just their mouth. Roger managed to turn that around completely. The first time you had his head between your legs he got you trashing against the sheets. You doubted this time was going to be any different.

“Rog… shit you’re so good at this”, you moaned as you grinded your pussy against his mouth just to get a little bit more friction. His muffled moans of agreement spurred you on even more. You grasped the headboard for extra stability as you fastened your pace grinding against his tongue.

“Shit Rog… I’m close”, you stuttered. Your pace was faltering now. You knew it took very little to send you over the edge.

As soon as Roger delved his tongue deep inside your pussy you knew you were done for. Your legs started to tremble as your juices continuously leaked out of your pussy. “Fuck…. Rog, I’m cumming”, you moaned loud enough for the neighbours to hear.

As you slowly came down from your high you slid down his body again and once more settled in between his legs, where his neglected cock was furiously leaking precum by now. You locked eyes with him and noticed your juices covering the lower part of his face.

You grinned as you held his face in your hands and captured his lips in a searing kiss, licking your tongue against his bottom lip, eager to deepen the kiss and to taste your own arousal of his tongue.

Roger moaned against your lips as he bucked his lips impatiently. “I’ve been good for you (Y/n), now please… please let me cum”.

“Oh, you think you deserve it now don’t you?”, you questioned as you once again wrapped a hand around his leaking cock. He hissed at the movement of your slowly sliding up and down his cock, a movement that was now bordering to pain.

“You think that when you start complaining about our sexlife you earn the right to cum, I don’t think so”.

His previously unfocused eyes now crossed yours in fear as soon as he realised what you had said.

“Please (Y/n) …. it hurts…’m too sensitive”, he cried out as his head fell back against the pillow, eyes screwed shut and hot tears cascading down his cheeks.

“Then say you’re sorry”.

You saw him clearly struggling, his face contorted in a mixture of pleasure and pain.

“Shit… (Y/n) I…I’m sorry, I.. I’ll never do it again, now please… jerk me off, suck me off, fuck me… just please..”.

You released the grip on his cock as to which he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Fuck you?”, you asked sweetly, “is that what you want?” “It is, isn’t it?”

He nodded slowly, eyes drooping, trying to remain his focus on you.

“You’ve been dreaming about the day someone took control of you”, you said slowly, cupping his balls in his hands, which elicited a soft moan from him. “You’ve been wanting to stay on edge all night just so that I can fuck that beautiful ass of yours, haven’t you?”, you continued as you trailed your hands just a bit lower, and softly traced his pink puckered hole.

As soon as you made contact with the sensitive flesh down there Roger went rigid and his eyes shot wide open as he realised what you were going to do.

“Well…”, you grinned, “maybe that’s exactly what I’m going to do, if that’s ok with you”.

When he didn’t reply immediately you brought a hand up to softly stroke his cheek, causing him to lock eyes with you”.

“Do you want to do this Roger?”, you asked softly. A soft smile played at his lips as he nodded slowly.

“Ok then, be right back”, you said as you slid off him.

In the bathroom you took the harness out of the package you had so delicately hidden and slid it up your legs until it sat securely at your hips. You took a minute to check yourself out in the mirror. Lipstick faded, hair tousled and now sporting a black-leather harness with a purple dildo protruding out the front.

You made your way back to the bedroom where Roger hadn’t been able to move from his current position. He eyed you up and down and bit his lip as soon as he laid eyes on what was currently sitting between your legs.

“You like?”, you asked quietly, your insecurity about the whole situation suddenly kicked in. But when Roger smirked and nodded eagerly, those insecurities evaporated just as easily.

You settled between his legs again and let your hands glide slowly over the soft skin of his thighs, before slowly parting them. You reached over to grab the bottle of lube and coated two of your fingers with the thick substance.

You looked up at Roger one more time and once you got his nodded approval you pressed your index finger against his hole.

As soon as the first knuckle slid inside, Roger let out a loud moan and tried to fuck himself against your finger. You pressed a little harder this time and now your entire finger was buried inside of him.

“Please… move”, Roger moaned, and you complied by slowly sliding your finger in and out of him. When you felt he could take more you added a second finger and slowly started to move them inside his, softly twisting and scissoring them until Roger was trashing against them.

“More… please”, Roger groaned but you weren’t going to comply this time. You had waited long enough for the real deal; you weren’t going to pass up on it now. You slid your fingers out of him and he moaned at the loss of contact.

“Patience Rog, I’m going to fuck you now, ok?”, you said softly to which he nodded all to eagerly.

Pressing the head of the dildo against his opening had him scrambling against the bedsheets, but you calmed him down by slowly gliding your hands down his stomach, across his hips and over his thighs.

“Now, I’m going to remove the cockring now, but I want you to cum untouched, can you do that?”, you questioned.

He nodded. “I can try”, he said in a small voice, a different voice than the once I was used to hear from him.

As you slid your hand down his cock, you grabbed the cockring and slowly slid it off his cock, to which he threw his head back and let out a moan in relief.

Once again you pressed the head of the dildo against his hole but added a little extra pressure to it this time. Roger let out a loud moan as the head slid inside his ass. You saw his hole clench around the foreign object, but when you looked up at Roger and detected no signs of discomfort or pain, you decided to press a little deeper.

Soon enough you felt him relax just enough to slide the entire dildo inside of him. You halted your movements for a while as you studied Roger’s face. His head was thrown back in pleasure, eyes half-lidded and the sound of harsh pants leaving his pink, thoroughly kissed lips.

“Feel good?”, you questioned as you stroke some of the matted strands of hair from his eyes.

“So.. full”, he managed to let out. “You… you can move now”.

You nodded in agreement as you slid out of him almost entirely before sliding all the way back in.

“This ok?”.

“Faster…please”, he moaned, picking up the pace as you continued to pound inside of him. You spread his hips just a little wider and slightly angled your thrusts to have him bucking up against you.

“Please… right there… (Y/n)” he groaned,” … I’m going to…. fuck I’m going to cum”.

A few more angled thrusts and his body went rigid, cum spurting all over his stomach and chest and even coating your lower stomach. Then he went limp and fell against the mattress.

You slowly slid out of him to which he flinched just barely, after which you reached over to untie his wrists.

You got up from the bed and made your way towards the bedroom and rid yourself of the harness and the dirty lingerie. That would be a problem for tomorrow, you thought.

You returned to the bedroom with the sight of Roger propped up against the pillows, taking a few puffs from his cigarette.

You nestled yourself against him and used the washcloth you had brought from the bedroom to wipe the cum and excess sweat from both your bodies.

It was quiet for a moment before Roger spoke up.

“I really am sorry love for what I said, it was a dick move and the guys were right, I should have consulted it with you”.

You slowly traced soft patterns on the skin of his stomach. “No worries Rog you’re forgiven. Besides, I already got my revenge”, you looked up at him and smirked.

“Well”, he started, “If this is the sex I’m going to get because of it, who knows what else I might tell”, he winked.

You slapped his stomach softly. “Don’t you dare Rog I swear”.

“I wouldn’t love, but we’re keeping the strap-on because we’re definitely doing that again.

“Deal”.

End Note: Well this took way longer than expected, mostly because I am perfectionistic af and need everything to be perfect. Plus, I feel I can’t write smut for life, at least not short ones. I hope you all take a liking to this and if you have any suggestions or improvements, please let me know.

#roger taylor #queen #Roger Meddows Taylor #roger x reader #80s roger #aka daddy rog #not for the faint hearted #roger taylor smut #80s Rog #new stuff #femke writes things #roger taylor x reader

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dailytomlinson · 4 years

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“There were times I struggled to find my place in the band,” Louis admits today.

But it’s often the quiet ones you’ve got to look out for.

Behind the scenes he was very much centre stage: Louis was the mouthpiece, constantly fighting the boys’ corner and acting as chief negotiator between band and management.

“Being from Doncaster,” he says, “I’ve never had a problem with telling anyone ‘no’.”

“There was a while when I was worried I was getting left behind – some of the boys are on to their second album now,” he says, taking a draw onthe first of several cigarettes. “At times, I’ve been swimming against the tide, working out who I am. I was trying to find a way back into the industry, thinking of it mathematically rather than going off feeling and emotion.”

He’s referring to collaborations with Bebe Rexha and Steve Aoki in 2016 and 2017 respectively, which, although successful, weren’t where his heart lay. With Kill My Mind – the exhilarating ’90s-inspired opening track of the album Walls – he sets his stall out with a clear departure from anything he’s done before.

Walls is about regret, reflection and ultimately, hope, and feels like Louis, who sings in his still-broad Doncaster accent, has finally found his voice.

“I’ve always wanted to be autobiographical and honest. And in the last six months the songs I’ve written and recorded are of a better standard because there’s an honesty there,” he says.

Honesty certainly characterises the album, sometimes devastatingly so. There’s no escaping the fact that Louis, 28, has faced unimaginable pain over the last few years.

“It wasn’t until after I’d written it that I realised how much vulnerability I’d put in there,” he says. “When I first performed it… I had fans coming up to me in tears telling me their stories, and that’s not something I’ve ever had before. And to do it on that level about something so delicate… It was really cool to take something so dark and make people feel like that.

“I had to get a song like that off my chest. It was difficult writing about things that felt trivial compared to what was going on in my life. There was, I think, a necessity to write that song before I could move on creatively.”

Understandably, Louis won’t talk specifically about Félicité. But when asked about how grief has shaped him both as a man and an artist, he pays tribute to Jay.

“I think it’s a credit to how my mum brought me up that I have a resilience,” he says. “There’s nothing I want less than to have people feel sorry for me, so having that mentality has helped me through the hardest of times.

"I’ve also felt a real support system through my fans. I’d always felt it on a lower level, but when it’s something so impactful and life-defining, I really did feel it from them.”

Days after Jay’s death, Louis appeared live on The X Factor to perform Just Hold On with Aoki.

He was clearly in pieces and it was hard enough just watching, but somehow he held it together, presumably thanks again to that resilience.

“Sometimes it’s fight or flight,” Louis explains. “And the way I was brought up and because of where I’m from, I only see one option in that situation. I also wanted to put myself second and do it for my mum.

"That moment was bigger than me and it was actually incredibly liberating. It used every bit of strength and power and I look back on that performance as one of the proudest moments of my career.”

He says he tends not to suppress emotion and is able to share his darkest points with those he’s closest to.

But as the eldest of Jay’s seven children (five girls and two boys), he also feels a huge weight of responsibility towards his younger siblings and hasn’t had any professional therapy himself.

“No, no, nothing like that. That might be down to a bit of Northern pride, but I have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders and that drives me. I’ve got siblings who look up to me and I’ve got my grandparents as well. So all those things keep my head screwed on.

“My mum had a massive influence on me and I lived with a lot of sisters in the house, so I do find it easier to speak about my emotions. But I’m also from Doncaster, where to be a guy is to be tough and traditional and I feel like [there are] times where pride kicks in and I just say I’m all right.

"I’m lucky that I’ve got good people around me who I can trust and who I can be completely vulnerable with and say how I feel. Nine times out of 10, I don’t bottle things up. I wear my heart on my sleeve.”

They sold 20 million albums worldwide, earning over £40million each, but the pressures of fame were, at times, intolerable. Louis says they were only able to keep their heads screwed on because they had each other.

“You can never be prepared for that. It was such a head f**k. But we grounded each other so the minute one of us acted like a d**khead one of the others would say: ‘Stop being a d**khead’. I see people in this job surrounding themselves with superiority and they lose the concept of the real world.”

He remembers doing a shoot with the band for Pepsi over in the States with American footballer Drew Brees.

“This guy was like a god and we were insignificant when he was around, which we understood. But I’ve never seen anything like it. Every sentence that came out of his mouth he’d have an audience of hangers-on in hysterics.

"These people were so far up his arse and he didn’t have one good joke. He had no banter! I still hang around with my boys from Doncaster and I hear real stories all the time, which helps me understand the world that unfortunately I don’t get to see. Having empathy with people and a connection with the world is imperative for any songwriter.”

Harry Styles recently said that he never touched drugs during his time in the band (although he’s made up for that since), because he didn’t want to “mess it up”. Louis smiles as he confides that he can’t say the same.

“All I’ll say is that I did my fair share and enjoyed my time in the band. It’s right what Harry said and it was smart of him, but I definitely had a lot of fun in the band. I was always aware of how amazing the opportunity was, but also enjoying the moment for what it was. I lived like anyone else my age – the difference was that I was in One Direction.”

He’s in touch with Harry, Niall and Liam “sporadically” (we’ll come to Zayn shortly), but they’re all on very different paths for now.

“If we all went to a pub tomorrow it’d be like we’d never left. The enormity of what happened in One Direction creates a massive bond and we’ll always have that.

"There have been times when we’ve done each other’s heads in. There might be something I say in an interview that bugs Liam or vice versa, but we all know what each other is like and we can call each other up and say sorry for being a d**k. We’re like brothers.”

But that’s not necessarily the case with Zayn, who quit in 2015 and with whom Louis has had a turbulent relationship since. He was hurt when Zayn was the only one not to turn up at the X Factor studio to support him through his performance after Jay’s death, despite promising to be there.

Then there’s Zayn’s apparent repeated digs. In one interview he branded 1D’s music “generic as f**k”. There’s a difference between making a break from the past and dismissing it completely, and it’s a line Zayn perhaps hasn’t always managed to walk.

“Hmm,” agrees Louis, cautiously. “Other than maybe Niall, there is no one who is prouder of the band and the songs we created than me. But while what I did with One Direction is relevant, it doesn’t define who I am and I don’t struggle to make that dissociation.”

Does he think some of what Zayn has said has been disrespectful?

“Yeah, I do. But I can understand it. We have a lot of situations where we’re sat in interviews and if you’re in a certain mood you might run your mouth. The older you get the more you can tell if these things actually carry any malice or if they’re just a prod in the back. That’s life, innit? Sometimes people chat s**t and that’s the reality.”

He’s not ruling out resolving their differences in the future, but there’s no olive branch on the horizon.

“No, but I’ve not actively tried. We’ve all got a lot on our plates and there might be a day where I wake up and think: ‘OK, I want to right that wrong’, but not yet.”

After being in his company for a while, it’s not hard to see why Louis was 1D’s driving force backstage. He’s thoughtful, articulate, open and self-aware, but there’s a steeliness to him and the requisite pop-star swagger, which doesn’t seem to spill over into arrogance.

And that is reflected in his music, which is heavily influenced by the Arctic Monkeys, The Smiths and Oasis. In fact, the title track and latest single Walls sounds so similar to Oasis B-side and fans’ favourite Acquiesce that Louis’ manager flagged it as a potential issue.

“These kinds of things happen. There are only so many melodies you can write and if you listen to a band all the time like I do with Oasis…”

Anyway, says Louis. He had to make a choice.

“I was ready to risk it, but everyone said we should get in touch with Noel [Gallagher] so we did. Often the industry, and especially Noel’s world, can be a bit snobby and say: ‘F**k you you’re not using this song’. But he was really cool about it, signed it off no problem and although I’m sure he’s not happy about this, I f**king am, I’ve got a writing credit from Noel Gallagher on my album. That is some sick s**t so I’m buzzing.”

Is he nervous about going it alone? “I think I’ve got a good record so I’m confident. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t little bit nervous – there’s three and half years work gone into it so there’s a level of anticipation.”

The most overwhelming emotion though, is relief.

“Because it’s taken such a long time. I’m excited to go on to the next phase of my career.”

#louis tomlinson #tw death #020220 #wpress #tw drug #fizzy tomlinson #the sun #fabulous magazine #im tired alrady #stunt mention #i cleared it up

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