#i feel like i have to constantly fake being smarter than i am | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

qqueenofhades · 5 months

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thank you for your post i’m doing my best to stay informed on the conflict and i’m very young. i feel guilty being quiet as i understand to uplift voices helps prevent their silencing but this has lead me to not critically think about what i’m spreading

it’s been a long month. i’m only a kid and watching the world go to shit like this has been awful, I always wondered how millennials who lived through post nine eleven imperialism coped and god i’m still not sure how.

I am as a white gentile in a position of privilege and mostly my own person is unaffected by the uptick in violence and evil in the world right now. But my friends who i see every day are in more danger due to this conflict and i feel awful that i cannot ever fully understand or fix the deaths of people.

Right now I’m being a bit too reactionary. I’m doing my best but in the end I am not immune to fearmongering and propoganda, especially in these last couple sleepless weeks.

So thank you and everyone who is keeping level heads and desconstructing what’s happening. I’m sorry and i strive to be better. Thank you.

To anyone living in fear right now i’m so sorry. I will listen when you speak.

Once again I just want to say that I am a busy and uninformed student, and I wish that i had more teachers and authority figures that had objective facts to tell me. It’s suffocating to have fake news everywhere but feel powerless if you don’t know anything

it’s ok if you don’t respond to this

Thank you for your post

Thanks for this message and for taking the time to put it into words and to reflect on your own actions and rhetoric. It takes a lot of courage and self-awareness to admit that you were wrong and that you want to do better, and I'm not going to rip into you or blame you or otherwise shame you for it. So I hope this gives you the confidence to read on without feeling like you'll be raked over the coals for it, and open you to hear some ideas for doing things differently.

First, I do have a ton of sympathy for you as a young person who feels overwhelmed and exhausted by all the evil in the world, and is wondering how to get through it, react to it, or otherwise make some kind of moral response in the face of this soul-crushing trauma. I will say here that I am a little bit older than your average Tumblr user (the majority of this site is in their early-mid twenties), I do personally remember 9/11 and its aftermath when a lot of people here weren't even born yet, and I am an academic historian with a doctorate. That does not mean I am better or smarter or More Perfect or whatever at what I say, but it means that I do have a considerable amount of institutional, formal, and professional practice at analyzing a lot of complex information, putting it into words, breaking it down for less-specialist audiences, pointing out logical fallacies, and so forth.

That is not a skill that everyone has, and in the face of nonstop 24-hour news-cycle social media information overload, it can be incredibly difficult to parse it or understand how you're supposed to respond to it or what your moral obligation in response to this knowledge might be. I wrote this ask the other day in response to someone else asking how to improve their critical thinking skills and be more discerning about what they understood, shared, and analyzed. I strongly encourage you to read it, as it addresses a lot of what you're saying about feeling negative, depressed, panicked, angry, and all the other emotions that are naturally evoked in you from reading this stuff nonstop and feeling like the only thing you can (or should) do is immerse your brain in it at all times. In short, that is absolutely the worst environment to do actual substantial analysis or critical thinking, and it is designed so on purpose.

It has been said before, but it bears repeating: the human brain simply is not designed to be constantly aware of all the atrocities in the world and thus (thanks to social media) feeling as if the only way they can do anything about it is to then post the Correct Opinions on social media (regardless of whether these are informed or relevant or otherwise useful). Especially now, the rush to demonstrate Correct Thinking has warped a lot of otherwise well-meaning young people into becoming eager disinformation mouthpieces. There are a TON of explicitly bad-faith actors and far-right fascists who are posting pro-Palestine content (factual or uh, otherwise) because they know that's an instant way to get an audience of said young left-leaning people who will then be suckered into and exposed to their far more dangerous content and mindset, because that is how radicalization works. Even in the support of an obviously worthy cause, you and everyone else ARE NOT IMMUNE to fearmongering, disinformation, and virulently anti-Semitic propaganda, especially when it's being eagerly and constantly offered in a deliberate attempt to radicalize you further into violence and conspiracy theories, turn you against other vulnerable groups and people, and explicitly disengage you from the electoral/political process, which will harm the Democrats and other liberal establishment parties in favor of more far-right radical fascist theocrats and otherwise make everything, everywhere, many orders of magnitude worse.

I know the feeling that you need to do something, and since you're a long way from the conflict, it seems as if posting on social media is the best and/or the only way to go about it. In that environment, and especially right now, you will make mistakes. I know it is difficult in an online environment where popularity or acceptance by your peers often rests on never being wrong about anything (i.e. saying the same thing everyone else is saying), but it always helps to think about what you're doing, what you're saying, and if you actually need the approval of people who are conditioning you, implicitly or explicitly, into negative and violent ideological nihilism.

The hardest thing to understand is that yes, there is a lot of terrible shit going on in the world; no, you cannot personally fix it and you have to accept that as a limitation; yes, there are many multiple and complex causes and reasons for its existence and there is almost never a black-and-white simplistic moral solution that just hasn't been magically implemented yet; yes, it is always worth it to take the time to inform yourself and consider what you're saying, where it comes from, who it helps and who it hurts, and why you feel the need to say it in the first place. Of course you want to help. Of course you want to stop the needless suffering and death that has gone on in the world for millennia and unfortunately, as long as humans are humans, will continue to do so. But even so, take it away Gandalf:

#anonymous #ask

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deoll · 9 months

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hiii dolls <33 i think it’s my first actual draft that made it as a post in a long time so enjoy!! self-insert, gn friendly!

Scaramouche x Reader || One Bed Trope

"I'm fucking sick of this. No you listen to me, do you know who I am?'' he throws his fists against the wood. What a rowdy guy, if he keeps this up I might be the one who'll get fucking sick of this fiasco.

"I'm sorry sir, most of our rooms are unfortunately taken and our staff is overworked due to this blizzard. Could you be a little patient until we check to see what we could offer you and your colleagues?" the woman at the front desk appeared to be distressed, managing a phone at her ear with her shoulder, trying to write some notes down at the same time. Scaramouche is not having it. If it were any other day perhaps I wouldn't be this easily irritated, but unfortunately my cheeks are scarred by the cold wispy wind, I can't feel any of my fingers due to frostbite, I haven't eaten anything, tired as hell and most importantly in a need of a shower. He's not helping my condition in the slightest, not that he ever did. Not that I would want him to, but that doesn't mean that I want him to worsen it.

"..Do you even know who you're talking to? I don't care how you manage your goddamn hotel, you must have 4 rooms for Tsaritsa's Harbingers. What kind of pathetic unorganized team do you even have here that a snow storm is all it takes for this whole place to-" (Y/N) puts their hand on his shoulder, making him stop mid sentence. "I'm sorry for my partner here he's just tired, please do what you must." I pulled him back and talked with the polite lady in front of me. Unfortunately, Scaramouche did not appreciate that. I could feel him fuming behind my back, his eyes could cut if i were to turn and look at him. Fortunately I don't, trying to contain an upcoming chuckle at how ridiculous he looks right now. Insufferable fucker.

"Now now comrade-" Tartaglia tries to put his palm on his hat and almost instantly having it waved off by him. "that's no way of treating a woman! Did nobody teach you that as a kid?" he gleefully laughed, as he usually does in his off work moments. What a guy...will anyone ever understand him? He goes from idiotic happy go lucky guy to a minimal quiet death sword in such a short amount of time. Matter of fact, we're coming down from a mission where he mercilessly tortured five millelith guards for intel on the latest operations managed by the Liyue Qixing. Who knows what goes on through his head while he chooses what to say or do. He might be smarter than anyone in our team if he's acting this way deliberately. Maybe he learned this is the safest way to operate within the Harbingers. Fake.

"You're being childish again Balladeer.." Arlecchino side eyed him, tired of his shit as usual rightfully so. Her elegant form always stuns me. She, like Childe. hides her true thoughts so well that all you can see is a put together act constantly. "Yeah? Let me be childish then, at least i'll have somewhere to sleep tonight, you can stay in the lobby for all I care." Scaramouche turns, ready to get into yet another argument. "Will you stop? We're all tired and your attitude is only agitating us further-" I turn to face him, ready to snap when the lady so kindly cuts me off this time.

"We have 3 rooms available for you, please make your way to room 47, 48 and 51 on the 2nd floor" I heard that and I almost ran to the elevator without another word, without actually letting the information settle in and comprehending it. Everyone turned to look at each other. "Lady I don't know if you're blind or those badly cut bangs are in your eyes but as you can clearly see there's 4 of us." Scaramouche storms to the front desk once again. The young woman looks at him with a sour face, done with his shenanigans. "That's all we can manage at this time, what else would you want from me?" He snarls at her. "Well if you found 3 then you can find another one you-"

"ENOUGH." I pulled him by his sleeve. "Thank you ma'am. We'll manage, have a good one!" I took the keys from the counter and dragged Scaramouche all the way to the elevator, the rest tagging along.

".....Can we do rock paper scissors for each room?"...Childe. "No." I'm glad we all agreed at least on that.

"..." The elevator reaches the 2nd floor. We get out, look at each other and unbeknownst to the rest of us, Arlecchino walks away towards room 48 with a key in her hand. "See you all tomorrow." I look baffled in my hand to notice a 3rd pair of keys missing! When did she even..

"....Can we do rock paper scissors now ?" "..No" I'm glad he agreed. "There's no need for that, I think you and Scaramouche should team up for tonight" I said, crossing my arms against my chest. "What?! Why would you throw me under the bus with him ?" Scara snapped at me, offended at the idea of spending the night with his friendly comrade.

"Hey now you're breaking my heart haha...what does that mean haha.." Scaramouche turns to him, "You snore, you stink, you're taking all the bed to yourself, never flush the toilet, eat all my food, get ridiculously drunk before you go to bed, uncomfortably touchy in your sleep-" "OKAY comrade. We get the point now." Tartaglia reaches out and takes a key out of my hold, winking at us."Ohhh I get how it is, okaay alright then haha~ I'll let you two have your moment for tonight" He smiles and walks away mumbling "..I'm not even that loud when I snore.."

"..." The only thing we can hear is the wind whistling forcefully through the windows along with Childe's rapid pace towards room 47. My hand is still around his sleeve, I could've let go a long time ago but I didn't. I figured it would be uncomfortable letting go now so the only rational thing to do is to go along with it. And so I drag him to...our room, for tonight.

"What are you doing? Are you really just letting him get away with it? Aren't you gonna put up a fight for the room?"

"Well, why aren't you? I'm fine with it, I don't care that much. I just want to eat, shower and go to sleep." His eyes widened for a bit and next thing that I knew, he pulls his hand back. "I never said I want to bunk up with you." "...You're right, you didn't. And to that I say, you sadly don't have a choice...so you either bunk up with me or you can go sleep in the lobby next to your dear front desk lady." He's frowning at me now, distaste all over his face. With that being said, he takes the keys from my hand and starts walking towards room 51, leaving me behind. I rush to his side trying to keep up in fear he would lock me out, which would be completely in his character. I definitely wouldn't call us friends, we bicker more than we bond. Not that I wouldn't want to bond with him, he's simply unapproachable, and I genuinely think that's how he wants to be. He's doing it on purpose. It's not like I never tried to get him, but you can't crack open someone who doesn't want to be cracked and vulnerable. Reason why I sit back and watch him be an angry insufferable jerk.

Sometimes I wonder what goes through his mind as well, what made him act like this, respond to life this way. I wouldn't mind if he let me in for once, if he let me listen. I wonder when was the last time someone listened to him, when was the last time he felt heard.

"Why would I want to sleep next to a bitch with a bad bob" I laughed at his comment, "You're ruthless. Poor girl...you went all in on her bangs too you criminal." He snarled, "She should've had that coming, how do you leave your house with your bangs looking like that" opening the door for us, we entered and I immediately felt my shoulders relax, letting the comforting aroma of clean laundry fill me in. Without any words I plop down onto our bed. "Get down loser, you're stinking my bed." I chuckle, "That's the point jerk, so you'd sleep on the floor." moving my hands up and down taking as much space as possible, smiling. It feels kind of...peaceful. These back and forths with him, they feel so natural. "I'll go ahead and bring our stuff in here, do you want something to eat?" I rise up on an instant, my stomach making an unpleasant sound. Would he bring me something? He cares enough to ask? "Actually I'm really really hungry right no-" the door closes. Did he just?...no. No, he's evil but not this vile. I take back everything I just said about feeling peaceful. With a huff I get out of bed and rush to the bathroom, there's no reason to waste any more time so I'll just take a shower.

With that being said, I undress and fix the water just right letting it run down my body after such a long tiresome day. It's always nice how hotels give you everything you may need for a bath, except for clothes. I realized as I'm now out of the shower that I don't have anything clean to wear. Just in cue, I hear the front door opening and closing once more. "(Y/N)? Are you in the bathroom?" No...Oh Archons not like this.. "Yeah...Did you bring my stuff as well?" He laughs, "Your stuff? Why would I bring YOUR luggage." He's got to be kidding me. I roll up a towel around my form and furiously get out of the bathroom. There he stands, laughing in my face with both of our luggage and what looks like some take out? Standing in the middle of the room looking dumbfounded, I ask him "You also bought...food?" He looks at me like I said something stupid, "Well yeah, I'm hungry." That's when it clicked. Yeah right he is...a puppet with no need of food, being hungry. I smiled at him softly without another word and looked through my stuff to get dressed. "I finished showering, the bathroom is all yours if you need it." Scaramouche was confused but let it go this time "Will go shower too then" And so he did.

While he was busy showering I prepped the whole room, unpacked everything including our meal. He quietly opens the door and for a moment just stays in the doorway looking at me puffing the pillows. What a silly girl he thinks. Putting in so much effort, he feels something fill in the void inside of him. It's...nice, warm, peaceful

"..Do you wanna go to sleep?" He looks at me, nodding. Looking at him now, he's acting strange. Almost sad but at peace, quiet, tranquil melancholy. Must've hit a nerve without wanting to. He looks in need of comfort but I feel hopeless, I brought him back something he hadn't thought in a long time...I triggered him. He gets in bed while I turn the lights off, suddenly it hits me. I realize it in that moment how intimate this feels. How raw, how vulnerable. I climb up in bed on his opposite side. The bed itself is not tiny but I guess due to the snowstorm outside we're laying pretty close to one another, our backs touching.

It's quiet, as tired as I was before proved to be useless now that I'm standing next to Scaramouche, so many unspoken words kept me wide awake. And then it happened. He broke the silence "I once convinced myself that humanity doesn't deserve kindness. I had a lot of trial and errors and every one of them proved that they're all doomed by their own selfish needs anyway. Humans don't deserve care. And still I find myself contradicting that in my mind." His voice is calm, relaxed and yet so sad. So simple yet it hides details that I may never learn. On impulse I turned around and hugged his back gently. He tensed up but just as quickly relaxed entirely in my arms. "It takes a lot of courage to try again, to trust again. To want to care, even if you know there's a chance it won't be fruitful. It means that at core, you want to give and help unconditionally. It means there's a lot of love within you Scara, including for humanity. That's powerful." For a second I feel him shaking in my arms and with that, I felt my heart breaking. He turned around facing me, "I feel like I want to care for you" I opened my arms, smiling at him "Then do so. Allow yourself to feel that way!" and so he does, he allows himself to be held. Not too long after, I feel him holding me instead, playing with my hair almost enchanted by my figure. His fingers are gentle, his palms are cold and yet I've never felt a warmer hold in my life. "You're not on your own anymore. I already care for you in ways you don't even know. You're being cared for." I feel his arms tightening around me. "..I won't ever forget this, do you know that? These exact same words may as well haunt me one day." I look up at him, "Or bless you. The risk for vulnerability is high, but the reward is always worth it. Don't cage yourself in fear Scara. Live." I felt his head fall on top of mine. He fell asleep while I was talking! This guy...and just like that, the big ruthless Balladeer fell asleep in my hair.

#scaramouche x reader #scaramouche #scaramouche x you #reverse comfort #one bed trope #kinda enemies??

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bnyrbt · 2 years

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i am actually so scared of being wrong about what disorder i have. even tho the labels are just made-up descriptors for experiences and not set in stone, and even tho idk what “resources” i could possibly be “stealing” besides maybe wasting a little time, and even that isn’t really true if it’s helping me. but for example, i used to show so many NPD symptoms and when i found that label suddenly everything made sense, and over the last… year? few months? couple years? my sense of time isn’t great, but after i became more aware of those symptoms, i sorta started to grow out of them (and into different symptoms!). which makes sense, because i’m still a teenager. but it is so scary to me??? cuz i thought i had NPD, but NPD is ~LIFELONG~ and ~UNCHANGING~ and i changed. i still have many of those underlying habits, but they’ve greatly diminished as i unlearn a bunch of stupid bullshit i used to believe. it’s much easier to dismiss thoughts of superiority and understand them as just expressions of frustration. but it scares me very much that i don’t show as much grandiosity as i used to, or don’t show it as overtly, or whatever’s going on. part of it is a fear of messing up and getting in trouble. i don’t want people to be mad at me for “faking” a disorder or whatever. part of it is like… wanting a special label? i don’t know. i don’t know what’s up with me. like, lately instead of “i’m smarter than all these people” or whatever, the most grandiose-seeming habits i have are clinging to fantasies that make me feel special. and i’m not really sure that that’s grandiosity, and i don’t know how i feel about it. i feel stupid and angry at myself for having all these weird, inconvenient feelings and obsessions and i wish i could just be better. i wish i could just be normal and healthy and not constantly worrying about diagnoses. i hate being myself. i hate my stupid feelings. i’m tired of this. i wish i could just shut it all off and be a perfect robot or something.

#sasha #vent #sorry. the thoughts are happening

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lifeisfunny-journal · 5 months

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Death, Love, and Creation

This morning's shower was different than yesterday. In a way, there has been sort of a death and rebirth occurring for me internally.

I found peace in Sam's death after researching and reading about Near Dead Experiences (NDEs). A lot of reports are similar and they all have one theme in common: the death of our body is not the end of our existence. Our soul continues to exist.

This gives me hope that Sam has found the peace she was looking for, after all. One of my mental health peers tells me that she hears voices in her head that encourage her to end her own life. I am wondering if Sam suffered from a similar situation.

The atrocities from war and mental health conditions are what challenge my faith. My own childhood trauma and struggling to survive as an adult also makes me question the existence of a higher power. However, there was also a theme in the NDEs: We have free will. So, ultimately those who have hurt us in life are using their free will in a damaging way, but we can choose how we want to create a better path for ourselves and others despite our suffering.

We have the power to choose any path.

Our purpose? To stay connected with the source. By "the source" this can be referred to in so may different ways. Philosophy and religions seem to have different ways of referring to this source. Many refer to it as an energy or source energy. Some refer to it as "God". The source provides us support, comfort, and safety-- As long as we ask.

How do we ask? Some call it "asking the universe", some use meditation, manifestation, many call it "prayer". It is a willing of a desire for security, safety, comfort, growth, love.

In the most impactful NDE experience I read about this morning, an interaction with "light beings" stated that the ultimate existence is loving others. Is putting people before material things.

I question my motives in why I am so motivated by this. A sense of control over my path? A fear of being judged by all powerful beings and punished? What are my intentions and why?

To have what feels like a solid answer to all things?

It it certainly appealing.

I've been philosophically inquisitive since childhood. At some point, I became a critical thinker that has continued to relish in my skepticism of claims of "truth" for as long as I can remember.

Some of my earliest memories was judging my peers who ate glue and crayons in grade school. I wondered what it was about obviously inedible things that they found so appealing. I also thought of myself as smarter and even better than them. Superior. And this I feel is worth an evaluation. To look closer at my perception.

After all, I do recall a moment in my toddler years when I sprayed perfume on a spoon and tasted it out of curiosity. I soon learned that things that smell nice aren't necessarily delicious. I also remember being around the approximate ages of 1-2 years old constantly sucking on an empty Hershey's chocolate bottle at a private Catholic pre-school in the fake kitchenette play area because there were remnants of chocolate aroma.

Now, in my defense, at least this is verifiable an edible item. However, the amount of germs and danger involved in my act is, I presume, not far from the act of eating crayons or glue.

And, yet, I judged them.

I have been bitter, upset, angry, and have felt like a victim of my past traumas, of my current struggles, and of my general health condition. I have felt perpetually stuck in an existential crisis.

However, it is relieving to know that there is a possibly a way to heal from all of this. I currently intent to allow my curiosity to guide me.

One thing that stuck out in my mind from the impactful NDE experience I read about was that when the subject asked the light beings which religion he should choose, their response was, "Whichever one brings you closest to God." When he asked about the Christian Bible, they said that if it is viewed through a spiritual lens that it can be helpful.

To me, this makes the entire report even more believable. The message conveys that no religion or spiritual practice is more true or better than another. What matters it what works for us.

With this information, I started to research local religions and asked myself which religion feels most comforting to me.

Right now I am on the fence between Taoism, Buddhism, and Paganism. When doing further research, I came to find the three have many things in common, so it was hard to narrow it down.

So then I asked myself what "Heaven" would be to me. Given that the concept of eternal peace sounds deeply boring and boredom can feel like torture to me, I asked myself what would Heaven really look like?

I also asked myself, is is possible to maintain entertainment while also having peace? And I realized the answer is not in having peace, but creating peace. So, here is what Heaven... Nirvana... Connection to The Source... Being One with The Universe... Looks like to ME:

Love and Creation

An existence where I co-exist in harmony with others whom we share unconditional love. Our existence consists of creating worlds and creating peace in those worlds. And then I realized, perhaps that is what a "light being"... an "angel" is after all... a "spirit guide".

And now I have reached the question of WHY.

Why continue to create and attempt for harmony?

What is the purpose of existence?

Why do anything?

At which point I realize... Perhaps that will be answered eventually.

For now, I can focus on learning and using my curiosity as a guide.

I often find myself giving advice to those based on my own convictions. I am realizing as I learn more, I just don't and probably never will have all of the answers. I must focus on what makes them the happiest. What brings them peace. What encourages them to give more love to others. And trust that they will figure out their own path along the way. Letting go of a desire to fix things the way that I personally think is the "right way". There clearly isn't one.

#spirituality #mental health #philosophy #nde #near death experience #spirit guides #wellness #peace #death

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falryllghts · 3 years

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you don’t know a thing about me // genshin impact x reader

gender neutral pronouns, pure angst, no comfort

characters included: venti, kaeya, childe

warning(s): reader being rejected, may be slightly ooc

part two w/ zhongli and diluc , part three w/ venti and diluc

a/n: thank you guys for much for 300 !! wrote some angst for you guys as a thank you present. also i had to rewrite all of this bc mobile tumblr hates me so if you saw the first one,, no you didnt <3

Venti

most people in mondstadt knew of the drunkard bard so it was no surprise when you had caught wind of him. the surprise was when you actually met him, the two of you immediately getting along and hanging out whenever you had the chance. whether it be joking together or just messing with diluc at the tavern, you two always had a good time. over time, you found yourself being more and more interested with the bard and eventually you fell for him. any time you would try to approach him about your feelings though, it was as if he would avoid it and just laugh it off. that should’ve been your first sign.

you’ve been friends with venti for years now and still had yet to confess. tonight however, you sucked it up and told him everything. you finally got to say everything on your mind so why did it feel so wrong? the silence was unbearable, venti not speaking a word as he stared off into the sunset over mondstadt. he was sitting in the hands of the barbatos statue, swinging his legs casually as if everything was normal and yet his tone was the complete opposite of his body language.

“you like me? you don’t know a single thing about me.”

you swallowed nervously, staring at his back. “well i’ve known for you for years so i just thought-”

“have you? do you know anything about who i really am?”

you opened your mouth to reply but no words came out, unable to think of a response. who was venti? where was he born? why was he a bard? why did he vaguely look like the barbatos statue?

after that day, you found yourself questioning if you even knew venti at all. you still saw him around mondstadt but it was never the same. the smile he wore just seemed fake to you and he would never meet your eye when performing for others. not to mention, you could almost never see him alone anymore as if he was doing it on purpose. any time you’d see him, he’d be around the traveler or the knights just so he could have an excuse to not talk to you about what had happened that day. you wanted to say you had lost a friend that day but could you even say that if you barely knew him?

Kaeya

kaeya was your drinking buddy who you hung out with when you were both off from doing work at the knights of favonius. it wasn’t often that the both of you got to take a break so it was nice to spend time together irritating diluc at the tavern. you were overall a hardworking and determined knight that most citizens of mondstadt knew and supported. some even thought you were a good match for the calvary captain which had ended up fueling your crush for the male even more. it wasnt until one night when you both were walking back from a late night at the tavern that you decided to bring up your feelings. what you didnt expect however, was his immediate response.

“oh ho? catching feelings for a man you hardly know? come now, you’re smarter than that y/n.”

it was like he didnt hesitate at all in the way he spoke, as if he knew this moment was going to happen for awhile. the rest of the walk was silent after that. spending time with kaeya remained mostly the same except maybe a bit more awkward on your part.

whenever people would come up to you and ask about your relationship with kaeya, you’d always tell them that it was strictly platonic. you weren’t going to let yourself get your hopes up again. after all, you were smarter than that.

Childe

you were a simple adventurer who wanted to get stronger so meeting childe was really great for you. he actually let you train with him and helped you get stronger. you knew he was part of the fatui and a harbinger nonetheless but you couldn’t help enjoying his company and assistance. even with a warning from the traveler about the male, you promised that he wasn’t so bad to which they just looked at you like you were crazy. sure, you were a bit biased due to your growing feelings for him but it couldn’t be helped.

it wasn't until a few months later that he became aware of this fact and chose to bring it up. you were in denial the instance the topic came up, claiming it was all just rumor and that whoever heard it was wrong. the expression on his face looked like he was doubting your words but he accepted them regardless.

“fine, i’ll believe you. just don’t actually fall for me, okay? falling for someone you barely know anything about just doesn’t suit you in the slightest.”

you nodded slowly, trying to avoid the tongue tied feeling you were getting. he seemed satisfied with that and walked away, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

things with childe stayed the same, training as usual. you buried your feelings and refused to ever say something about your feelings for him around anyone again, not trusting the city of liyue anymore due to the constantly listening ears.

#lets pretend this is the first time im posting this #genshin impact x reader #venti x reader #kaeya x reader #childe x reader

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topsytervy · 3 years

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Not The Right Time ~ JJ Maybank

Blurb: JJ has a thing for you. Unfortunatley, it just isn't the right time.

Word count: 1,929 (give or take. did some last minute editing)

Warnings: mention of cheating, drinking, drug use (weed), swearing, not proofread so probably spelling mistakes, I think that's it.

Quick rundown because I have more of these than usual cause this one is slightly more descriptive of the reader (aka you): s/c = skin color, e/c = eye color, h/l = hair length, h/c = hair color, h/t = hair type (curly, straight, etc...)

Me somehow breaking out of my Rafe phase for a minute to write something JJ related? Yes, I am just as surprised as you are.

~~~~~~

JJ lounged in the hammock in the backyard, drinking his third beer of the night with a book next to him. This was a routine for him at this point. While you were out with your boyfriend, he went into the backyard to drink away his sorrows and stayed up until you got home to make sure you actually got home.

The nights when you texted him that you wouldn't be coming home, opting to stay at your boyfriends instead, were the worst for him.

If you asked JJ, your boyfriend was an asshole. He never liked him and probably never would. However, you were his best friend and roommate since you both graduated from high school so whatever made you happy was fine by him.

It just sucked that he wasn't the one who made you happy the way your boyfriend did.

JJ often found himself mesmerized by your beauty. Your beautiful (s/c) skin and (e/c) eyes often entranced him which usually caused you to nudge him.

"You good?" You'd ask.

"Absolutely peachy." He'd grin.

After all, How could he not be peachy with you around?

He noticed the way you'd play with your (h/l) (h/c) (h/t) hair mindlessly when you'd be focused on a movie or the way you picked at the skin around your nails when you got nervous.

JJ sighed as he crushed his now empty beer can and reached for another that sat in the cooler next to the hammock.

"Woe is me," he whispered, popping the tab of the new can.

He brought the can to his lips but pulled it away when he heard the front door open and close which caused a confused expression to cross his face.

He didn't hear a car pull up and drop you off like usual since your boyfriend often picked you up.

"Y/N!" He called, hoping that you'd hear him and that it was actually you and not an intruder.

He grew quiet as he heard faint footsteps from inside and the sliding glass door slide open.

"Yeah, it's me." You answered.

Your voice was barely above a whisper which caused JJ to turn his head to face you.

"Come join me for a drink." He waved you over, not being able to make out your face in the darkness.

You shuffled closer to JJ and the faint glow from the solar lights you guys had casted upon your face. JJs face dropped at the sight of yours.

"Oh my god. Y/N," JJ immediately dropped his can on the ground.

The contents spilled onto the grass as he took in your appearance.

You eyes were red from crying, black smudges of mascara on your face and your nose was slightly red, more than likely from the irritation of you constantly wiping it on your sleeve.

"What happened sweetheart?" He asked as he pulled you into the hammock.

"He's been cheating on me." You whispered, your voice hoarse as you laid on him.

He took in a sharp breath and his arms tightened around you. "How do you know?"

"He left his phone at the table when he went to the bathroom and I answered it. Before I could say anything a woman's voice came through and said hey baby. When I suggested she had the wrong number since this was my boyfriends phone, she said no this is Brett's number and that's when I knew."

JJ rubbed your back and kissed the top of your head.

"I am so sorry Y/N." He whispered.

You shrugged, feeling numb.

It was quiet for a few minutes before you noticed the book next to him. "Whatcha reading?"

JJ took an arm from around you and grabbed his book.

"A book of Edgar Allan Poe's works." He answered.

"Can you read to me?"

JJ nodded as he opened the book. "Want me to start from the beginning?"

"You can if you want."

JJ flipped to the first page. "The Cask of Amontillado." He began as you made yourself comfortable.

After half an hour, JJ stopped and looked at you. Your eyes were closed and your mouth was slightly open. JJ smiled as he made himself comfortable in the hammock. You looked so peaceful and he wasn't about to risk waking you up just to try to get you in your bed.

He wrapped his arms around you and closed his eyes, letting sleep take over.

******

The next morning, you woke up with a small headache and placed your head in your hands.

"Hey, I made you scrambled eggs with cheese and those ham cubes you like along with some bacon."

Your head turned towards the voice and you saw JJ walking over with two plates of food, setting them on the patio table that was placed a few feet away from the hammock.

JJ walked back inside as you stood up and walked over to your breakfast. You stretched as JJ came back with a bottle of apple juice for you and a beer for himself, pulling out his chair before sitting down.

"I was thinking since neither of us work today, we could steal the HMS Pogue from John B and go out on the marsh. Just the two of us. smoke some weed, drink some beer. You know, the usual." The blonde suggested, popping a piece of bacon into his mouth as he did. "Hell, maybe even just stay out there the entire night. We'll pack plenty of food.“

You stayed quiet and forked some eggs into your mouth before reaching for your apple juice, attempting to open it. After a few unsuccessful attempts, JJ held out his hand and you gave the bottle to him. He opened it with ease and gave you the bottle back. You took a drink before returning to your food.

Technically, he wouldn't be taking the pogue without John B's permission. He had talked to John B about taking it after a call this morning, telling him what had happened. John B had said the boat was all his for the day and all JJ had to do was to let him know when JJ was planning on confronting Brett so he could get a few punches in.

"So…me, you, and the Pogue out on the marsh?" JJ asked again.

You sighed. " I don't know, J. "

"Okay, I know that last night was rough and I'm 100% sure Brett will get what's coming to him, but today is about making you feel better and I know theres nothing you like more than chilling in the middle of the marsh with a joint in one hand and a beer in the other, maybe some swimming beforehand." He saw you thinking about it and knew you were leaning towards yes so he drove it home. "Plus you like sleeping under the stars and you're always napping on the boat. Why not combine them?"

You bit your lip, the idea tantalizing.

You nodded. "Okay but don't be all mad cause I'm all mopey."

"I won't. I'll be fishing while getting high with my best friend."

" I thought JB was your best friend?" You smirked.

JJ placed a finger to his lips and sent you a wink. "Shh. Our little secret."

****

You sat on the blanket-covered floor of the HMS Pogue, a joint being passed between you and JJ as you sipped on a beer and ate the abundance of food JJ had brought with.

It was hours later, darkness had fallen and the stars had come out. JJ had stopped at The Wreck to order a shit ton of food before you took the Pogue out and paid for it all despite you offering to pitch in for half.

"Oh no no no. Rule #1 of friends supporting a friend whos been broken up with: the one who has gone through the break-up doesnt pay for anything the day after."

"Oh yeah? Who made that dumbass rule Maybank?" You crossed your arms, eyebrows raised.

"Uh, I will have you know JJ Maybanks Rules To Help A Friend Through Heartbreak is a number one best seller." JJ shot qt you.

"Oh yeah. I bet that that fake ass book is raking in all the fake ass dough and your signing plenty of fake ass boobs at your fake ass book signing." You nodded.

"Actually, the fake ass bookstore that is holding my fake ass book signing doesn't allow boob autographs. Something about it being inappropriate apparently." He grinned.

You took a bite of your sandwich as you passed the joint to JJ.

"You know what JJ?"

He hummed in response as he took a hit off the joint.

"This was really nice and I had a really great time today." You grinned.

JJ smiled, happy that the smile was back on your face. " I'm really glad Y/N/N. You know you deserve this, right?"

You shrugged, taking a sip of your beer before taking the joint back from the blonde.

"I'm serious, Y/N. You deserve this and way more. You deserve someone who can give you everything you need and want." JJ scooted closer to you.

"If I deserve everything like you say I do, J, then why wasn't I good enough for Brett." you whispered.

JJ took the joint from your hand and placed it in the ashtray he had set on the floor before moving next to you and wrapping his arm around your shoulders, pulling your body into his side.

"It's not that you weren't good enough for Brett, Brett wasn't good enough for you. He's a damn fool for letting you go. I've heard Kooks like Topper talking about how bad they want to date you. If a Kook wants to date you, a pogue who hangs out with me who every Kook hates, that means you're a pretty remarkable person." JJ told you.

You felt yourself smile at his words. "You always know what to say, J. Sometimes, I wonder why you haven't used that intelligent brain of yours to woo yourself a girIfriend."

JJ scoffed at your words.

"I'm serious JJ. You are so much smarter than you think you are. Both streetwise and bookwise. You read me Edgar Allan Poe last night as if it was your first language and didn't even stop to ask me what any words meant like you usually do around the others. You shouldn't hide your smarts, J. Smart you is way sexier than dumb you." JJ felt himself blush and you ruffled his hair as you turned your body to face his. "I wish you let everyone else see the JJ Maybank I see."

JJ sighed. "I don't woo any girls with my words cause it's either not the right time or not the right girl."

"Come on JJ. You're 20 years old and you mean to tell you haven't met one girl you didn't want to be in a long term relationship with?" You asked through a mouthful of sandwich, hand covering your mouth.

"I never said that."

your eyes widened as you swallowed your food and took a swig from your beer. "You like someone right now!" JJ rolled his eyes. " Oh my God. Maybank, spill! What's stopping you from going after her?"

JJ took the blunt from the ashtray and took a long slow drag before turning his blue eyes onto your e/c ones. "Like I said, not the right time. I have to wait until I think she's ready for a relationship."

~~~~~~

#jj obx #jj outer banks #jj x reader #jj maybank #rudy pankow #obx

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bazpitchs-violin · 3 years

Text

i've decided to post my lil national competition piece cause i filmed it yesterday and im sad im done with it so uhhh

(it's long sorry :/)

i have nothing.

hope is for optimists

dreams are for children

goals are for those with potential

desires are for confident people

wants are human

needs are too

and somehow i ended up with few

and those i do

my best to deny

even when they beg, i lie

tired of being a slave to human needs

wanting to distance myself from the notion

that i am human indeed

i run away

i run on as little sleep

as little water

as little food

as possible

I indulge only when forced

i’m the dandelion growing between slabs of concrete, not the orchid displayed on the table, or the rose with a screen and a glass dome to be kept under at night.

i take what i can get

i don’t seek out the rain

which means i don’t ask

my skin is starved, my senses dull

my music is an escape

but also a hand to hold mine

at night

or early in the morning

when i should be asleep, buried in blankets, blissfully slipping away from reality, i’m awake

i’m awake and floating, gone away, gone awry, dematerialising between lines of melody and harmony, letting the lyrics choke the reality out of me, while forcing the truth down my throat, searing in my lungs

i’m built of lyrics and quotes, they ricochet in my head and rattle in my rib cage, pinging in the empty space where my heart should be

i’m a precarious collection of other people’s words mashed together haphazardly, and glued with tears

glued with trauma and memories, days that are locked behind iron doors and others that are burned into the wooden frame

a hundred times i watch the movie, older than me, older than the idea of me, older than even my parents relationship

a hundred times the same lines stick to me, choking me with emotion, wrapping me in truth. truth like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold. truth that is mumbled by his sweaty toothed madman.

truth that hides in his brown eyes, layered under the pain as he looks at his father, the last string in him pulled taut, about to be cut

those seven words, spilling out of him, run over me like scalding water

i was good. i was really good.

they carve themselves in my mind.

they’re scalded across my chest

etched

in every inch of my skin,

red and burning, bleeding out of me, because while in him it’s his last truth, in me it’s a lie

i was good. i was really good.

it seems more and more like the diems are not mine to carpe

or maybe i never tried

i only ever wanted his seven words to feel just as mine

i try so hard to be good. to be better. to be other. to be what they want, to be him.

i have a hundred different versions of myself that i sift through, change like costumes, because i am not fully palatable to anyone

not even myself

i want to look in the mirror and see him

i put on the green sweater and lose myself in favour of him

we’re so similar if i look hard enough, the same brown eyes, hiding pain, breaking from expectations, and yet, not the same

sure, some of his looks are mine

the pain in him is the same as mine

the way his voice cracks and the look of soft resignation, i echo constantly

in the end, i’m like him in a circus mirror.

warped.

the mirror creases me,

stretchmarks

it’s scratched,

scars

it’s wrinkled like a waterlogged book

widened

angled,

the lighting makes us all the more different

i look at myself, this warped version of him, tears shining in the dim lighting, my face so filled with sorrow it pulls into the fake smile i’ll wear tomorrow,

every i’m fine sticking in my throat because i’m a liar. that’s all i am really.

i’m him, without all of the qualities that made him loved

without the allure that makes him my comfort

without all the good parts.

watered down, diluted, knock off, bootleg

a wrong version of him

and a different version of him, years later, a version i know his father would love, and my mother would adore,

“Living Is Hard.”

and it is.

damn near impossible.

every day i slip further and further away, i’m wilting

the sun is always weak when it gets to me. but i take what i can get

the bowl almost empty. the water no longer running warm and clean, but i take what i can get

the expectation is to be self sufficient and independent

to need her less

to want her less

i am expected to be a grown up

when really i am a child

when really i can’t reach

i have spent my whole life on my tip toes,

reaching

trying

grasping

feeling around desperately for what is hidden on that top shelf

just out of my reach

pushed way to the back

but i’m always falling short

always failing, barely missing the point

never able to pull it forward

never able to hold it in my hands, to get a grip on it, it always slips

and it gets pushed back further

i’m teetering

tumbling

towering

it’s terrifying

maybe i could reach if i jumped a little higher

if i were just a little taller

if i were just a little smarter, if i were just a little better

if i found some way to reduce this weight on me, holding me down

a hundred expectations

laced together like twigs

woven in a crown

resting upon my head

placed precariously, this time by my own two shaking hands

ready to be crushed by the weight of millions of expectations

but i inherited this crown

it was fixed upon my brow, before i could know what its weight meant

and what was expected of me because of it

as i grow, the crown does too

berries and flower buds

heavier and heavier

i had to take it off, i couldn’t handle the weight

and now its back on

a final attempt, reaching again

for better

for good.

my face is illuminated in the moonlight, radiating off of the silver snow

i’m shivering from the cold

i was good, i was really good.

(fun fact: originally, the last line of this was "i was good, i was really good, but not good enough to grow old")

#dead poets society #yeah i stuck random dps references in this #what ab it #huh???#i should be studying for finals #but nope #deal with my angsty little poem #i memorised this #and performed it #what's wrong with me #at least i cut out the bit about daddy issues #but yeah #lmao pls be nice i poured a lot of myself into this #slick said it gave them chills when i read it to them so #anyway #we'll see what happens ig lmaoo

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jackolemon · 2 years

Text

i am Thinking about autism and psychosis and ocd and issues with trust and control and what is real or fake and the humor trend of “lying and misleading people for no reason is fun and hilarious and i have no responsibility to other people” but i can’t quite articulate them

it’s like. some of those jokes overlap with my sense of humor. i love saying wild things as if they’re true! but like. that hinges entirely on everyone involved understanding that it’s a joke. if i’m having fun at the expense of someone else i’m not having fun. i’m autistic, and i am paranoid about being misunderstood and about people lying to me or making fun of me. it’s awful! it’s torture! i would never wish that feeling of terror and helplessness on anyone! i am constantly second guessing my entire perception of reality and fearing that everyone around me is in on something i don’t know about! and i just force myself to laugh along and pretend it’s funny to bully people because if i don’t then everyone will turn around and bully me. and besides, i’ve been wrong about so much before— everyone else always knows better! what if i’m just being sensitive and everyone else is just better and stronger and smarter than me? what if it really is funny and if i don’t understand than i really do deserve that torment? how the hell would i know?????

#val.txt #nd #autistic #ocd #psychosis #ableism

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always-rolling-my-eyes · 3 years

Note

Hannah stoking the fire by making a final two with Claire right now after she just spoke with Alyssa about getting Claire on the block and sending her home 💀 I’m not sure what her strategy is?? Jury management? This is just making the inevitable more depressing for Claire

I think Hannah just enjoys being savage and betraying people. jk jk 😂

All I know from what I have seen is that Hannah is much smarter than probably everyone in that house and is constantly three steps ahead of everyone, so I have no doubt she has a reason for doing whatever it is that she’s doing

And honestly, I feel like jury management is very different this year because the (most likely, hopefully) first five in jury were all played in the same way, by the same people, for the same reasons.

The jury is going to find out that their “alliances” were fake and never had any intention of keeping any deals or promises to them, but it wasn’t because of betrayal or malice but because of something historic and much bigger than the game and I am confident that every single member of that jury will recognize that and appreciate not only the mission, but the gameplay as well

#ask #anon #bb23 #big brother

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eintsein · 5 years

Photo

Impostor Syndrome: What it is and how to deal with it

There may be times when you feel like a fraud, like at any moment people will find out that you have no clue what you’re doing and you don’t deserve any of your achievements. You think that you’re unworthy of praise, that you only succeeded out of luck.

This is known as Impostor Syndrome, and around 70% of people have struggled with it in their lives. The problem arises when high achievers fail to internalize their success, i.e. when you attribute your success not to your own abilities but rather to external factors.

Some say that impostor syndrome could be linked to traits like anxiety or neuroticism. Impostor syndrome has also been commonly attributed to behavioral causes like childhood experiences, e.g. being labeled as “the smart one” or “the talented one”.

Another huge factor is how well you think you fit into a certain group, e.g. impostor syndrome is common among people of a racial/ethnic/cultural minority, women in STEM, and international students at US universities.

Dr. Pauline R. Clance was the first to design a scale to measure impostor syndrome based on six factors

The impostor cycle, where someone is given an achievement-related task and they either (a) overprepare or (b) procrastinate

The need to be special/the best

Superhuman characteristics

Fear of failure

Denial of ability and discounting praise

Feeling fear and guilt about success

There are different types of impostors, as categorized by Dr. Valerie Young, an expert on impostor syndrome (note that these categories aren’t mutually exclusive):

I’ve personally dealt with the first two types. I’m fairly certain I can attribute being ‘the genius’ to childhood/adolescent circumstance: I’ve been known as ‘the smart one’ throughout elementary school and high school - every time I made a mistake, it was met with a chorus of ‘wahh jo made a mistake...’ Even last month when I had a mini-reunion with some of my high school friends, one of them said something along the lines of “I like when Jo makes mistakes because it reminds me that she’s human, too.” I can definitely say I’ve overcome that now because, you know, college - everyone’s as smart or smarter than you and works pretty hard.

Being ‘the expert’ is still something I’m still trying to overcome. Last spring when I was applying to internships, I only dared to apply to those where I met 100% of the requirements. I’ve been coding for like 4 years but I constantly think I’m incompetent. It once got up to the point where I literally took 3 similar courses to assure myself that I actually do know how to do full-stack web programming. I still struggle to draw the line between relearning something because I don’t think I really know it, versus learning something for the expansion of knowledge.

How do I deal with it?

Firstly acknowledge that you have impostor-related thoughts Awareness is the first step to changing how you think and how you act.

How does impostor syndrome look like in a school/college setting? Examples include

You refrain from asking questions because you think other students/TAs/the professor will think you’re dumb;

You don’t respond to questions even though you kind of know the answer but you always think your answers aren’t right enough or that they’re simply wrong;

You don’t participate in discussions because you feel that you won’t add any value; or

You prevent yourself from having an opinion because you feel like you have no right to have one.

Reframe your thoughts

Think of their possible effects Do these thoughts help or hinder me? Will anything useful come out of thinking this? Acknowledge that not speaking up may mean slowing your team down or depriving your classmates of potentially valuable insights.

Separate fact from feeling Are they factual or simply a misinterpretation of my environment?

Differentiate feelings of fraudulence from feeling like an outsider Does my work show that I’m incompetent or is the fact that I’m the only female in a team of males/POC in a team of Caucasians make me think I’m inferior?

Stop comparing yourself to other people You might think something along the lines of “there are already so many people who can do what I do but so much better, so what’s the point in even trying?” However, remember that these people were once where you were, and taking even the smallest of actions could help you get to where they are.

Be more forgiving with yourself

Rethink perfection Not everything has to be perfect. Even if you have high standards, not achieving those standards doesn’t make you any less worthy.

Reframe mistakes and identify areas of improvement It’s okay to be wrong or not to know everything. Think of mistakes as learning opportunities and indicators of gaps in your knowledge/understanding of something, as opposed to a negative measure of your self-worth. Being wrong doesn’t mean you’re fake; it just means you have more to learn.

For example, previously I would only answer a question in class if I was at least 90% sure that was the correct answer. That’s a high threshold, and I don’t think it’s very useful for helping me learn and grow. Over the course of a year, I’ve managed to lower that down to I’d say around 60% (50% with coffee lmao).

Collect positive experience

Remember and reflect on praises Think about the efforts you exerted to help you achieve something and the positive responses you garnered when you finally achieved it. Remind yourself of the words of encouragement other people have told you, no matter how small. You could even keep a folder/document/journal to look back on when you feel like a fraud.

Heck, sometimes I feel like my posts aren’t useful or my designs are terrible, but then you guys tell me such kind things and I think, maybe I’m not as bad as I thought.

However, while it’s good to remember the good words people have said, don’t work just for the sake of praise. Focus on the value of the work itself and not the validation that comes from it.

Focus on providing value

Focus on what you can say Instead of thinking about what you don’t know, focus on what you do know and what you can say. Even if what you say isn’t entirely correct or relevant, it’ll get others around you thinking.

Remind yourself that holding back is like robbing the world of your ideas There’s always some value in your words, even if you don’t initially think so. How that value affects the world or other people may differ. For example, when you put forward an idea/thought in a discussion, it could be that

If there were parts that were incorrect, other people might have had the same misconception and are more than happy for the clarification;

Again, if there were parts that weren’t correct, they might not have had the same misconception but now realize that there is a way in which the subject can be misinterpreted, thus allowing them to have a more comprehensive understanding of the subject; and/or

It’ll stimulate further thinking and discussion and raise more questions, especially if other people wouldn’t normally think what you just thought. Then other people could bounce off your idea and form an equally great one.

Take action You won’t feel as much of a fraud if you’re doing something that brings you a little closer to achieving your goals or that adds value to your work.

However, be careful not to overwork yourself. Every time you start doing something, pause and think: is this really important to my progress or am I just trying to prove myself?

Instead of working on too many things, do something outside your comfort zone each day no matter how small. Once you do this, focus on quality (your growth) instead of quantity (the number of things you do).

Also, for those of you who fall into the ‘expert’ category, this also means practicing just-in-time learning, i.e. learning things when you need it, not just to comfort yourself.

I hope that was helpful, and please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions/comments/suggestions :)

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wrenhyperfixates · 4 years

Text

Of All the Places

Chapter 4

Pairing: Loki x reader Series Summary: Washing up in a small town in Oklahoma was definitely not part of Loki’s plan when he came to conquer Midgard. There is one good thing about it, though: No one recognizes him as the one who just wreaked havoc in New York. So, Loki plans to recover from the battle and move on with his life. The only problem? He’s not sure he can leave you. Chapter Summary: Loki continues to struggle with his emotions as he tries to figure out his bond with you. On top of all that stress, he finally learns what the rest of the world is hearing about New York. Chapter Warnings: long, angsty, and fluffy A/N: Woohoo! Fourth chapter is here! Totaling almost 5,000 words, the longest thing I have written to date. Any comments, questions, or predictions? I’d love to hear them and chat with you! Well, guys, gals, and non-binary pals, hope you enjoy :) Updates every Friday.

Tag List: @lucywrites02 @frostedgiantfavs @lunarmoon8 @twhiddlestonsstuff

✥ Start at Beginning ✥ | ← Previous Chapter | Next Chapter →

Disclaimer: Gif not mine

Loki hadn’t slept well in days. Between nightmares and dreams of you, his mind was a constant hub of activity. He didn’t need as much sleep as you mortals did, but after the whole ordeal with Thanos, the lack of rest was taking a toll on him. You were the first to notice, and started hovering even more than normal, something Loki was reluctant to admit he liked. In his final days on Asgard, he’d made himself a complete loner, going so far as to isolate himself from Frigga. It was nice to have some companionship again. That was as far as Loki ever let his mind wander, though, cutting himself off before he could deeper analyze the constant pull he felt toward you. Certainly there wasn’t even anything else to analyze anyway, he convinced himself. You were, after all, only human.

Before he could get lost in thought again, Loki refocused on Matt’s caramel blonde hair as he chased him between the barn and the house. The boy’s light curls were the only thing he’d inherited from his father and looked almost exactly like Ana otherwise. It made Loki wonder how he never guessed he was adopted, seeing as he looked nothing like either of his parents. This fresh air was really starting to get to him, he decided, because he was continuously going down these deep contemplative paths in his mind. It was a constant loop of his feelings for you, his true heritage, and how he was taking advantage of your family. Then again, it may have been the traumatic, near-death experiences and hours of torture that was doing this to him. That was the one thing he always liked to forget about.

“Tag, you’re it!” Loki cheered as he tapped Matt.

The challenge in this game, for Loki at least, was not to overtake Matt’s strides too quickly. It was the perfect balance of fake chasing and finding just the right moment to execute the tagging. Still, he was having almost as much fun as the child was.

“Now you’re it!” Matt declared a few minutes later when Loki let the boy catch up to him.

If there was anything to admire about the kid, it was his tireless energy. Loki was glad to have found someone to keep pace with him as far as that went. His mind, too, was kept plenty stimulated by late-night talks with you. Ever since you’d showed him the creek a few days ago, you seemed to talk into the wee hours of the morning. He’d never noticed before just how deep and intelligent mortals could be. It was quite the accomplishment that you were changing so many of his opinions in such a short time. Then he realized he was thinking of you yet again and cut off the train of thought before it could persist.

“Loki. Matt,” Ana called, waving at them from the front porch.

After scooping the boy up in his arms, Loki jogged over to where she was standing. Matt was happily transferred to his mother’s arms as he was carried into the kitchen for snack time. The God of Mischief looked out over your land, trying to give in to the feeling of contentment he was so close to achieving. If only he didn’t constantly have that voice in his head telling him he was a monster, he didn’t belong here. Maybe then he could be happy. A part of him wished he’d lost his memory for real.

“Oh, there you are,” you said, walking out of the house. “I’m heading into town if you want to come with me and see if anything jogs your memory.”

“Yes. I would like that very much.”

As the two of you made your way to the car, you repeatedly tossed and caught your keys in a nervous pattern. Loki held the door open for you as you got in and quickly hurried around to the other side. He stared at a weird strap by his seat as he sat down. You saw his look of befuddlement and couldn’t help but let out a little laugh.

“Do you not remember how to use a seatbelt?” you asked kindly as he nodded his head yes. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you came from an alien planet.”

Then you reached across his seat to buckle him in. Unfortunately, it was a bit farther than you realized, and you fell into Loki, hand splayed on his chest, his hands immediately reaching out to steady you. For a minute, the only sound in the vehicle was your pounding hearts. You cleared your throat in embarrassment as you finished your task. The air between you held a distinct awkwardness, and Loki realized that this was the first time you’d been truly alone since the creek. It sent a thrill down his spine, even as he tried to ignore his racing thoughts. Determined to look anywhere but in your direction, his eyes landed on Mama, scowling in the window. She’d made it clear that she wasn’t keen on him spending so much time with you and Matt. If he was any smarter, any braver, he would listen to her and just leave already.

“So,” you began, clearing your throat again and driving off, “how are you feeling today?”

“I am quite well, thank you. I do believe I am fully healed.”

“Promise to still take it easy, ok?”

“Alright.”

You lapsed into silence as you cruised along the road. Loki stared out the window, hoping to find some clarity in the scenery streaking by. You were a mortal, he should not have felt any sort of attachment to you. Then again, he hadn’t spent time with one since the Middle Ages. It had all been so dreadfully dull back then, but things had changed. You and your family were so exuberant, so captivating. But he was a god, and he should not concern himself with that. In fact, he should be on his way of this planet, which was maybe not so miserable, after all.

Before long, you reached town and pulled into a small parking lot of a building with a sign that said “24 Hour Convenience Store” and had many light-up neon signs, declaring they were open. You got out and Loki followed suit.

“Anything look familiar yet?” you asked. “I know you don’t live here, but maybe you passed through.”

Lying was his specialty, and it’s what he should have done now. He could hear himself in his head, his silver tongue weaving a tale about how things were coming back to him. Then he could pretend to contact someone and create an illusion, so you believed he had a happy reunion with his family. It would be prefect; he would leave and you wouldn’t worry about him. He truly wanted to believe it would perfect, anyway, but it wasn’t. Not if he never saw you again. There must be something special about you, he decided, and the Tesseract brought him here so he could figure it out. That was it. That had to be it.

“I am afraid not,” he replied. “Perhaps I came from the other way.”

“Yeah, maybe. Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out,” you comforted him with a hug, mistaking the reason for his sadness.

His body went stiff in your embrace. He hadn’t been hugged in centuries. Granted, that was in part his fault because he was afraid receiving hugs from his mother would hurt his carefully crafted image. Now here you were, holding his body against your warm frame. Once his mind cleared a bit, he awkwardly hugged you, too, and gave your back a few uncertain pats. He should not have been encouraging this behavior, but he was. Maybe if he caused some mischief he’d feel more like his old self. Or maybe he didn’t want to be that person anymore. It was all too much. He was exhausted by the incessant back and forth of his thoughts. He untangled himself from you and gestured to the store.

“After you,” he said.

You pushed open the glass doors and were greeted by the cashier as you walked in. Loki followed you to the back where the refrigerator section was, and he chivalrously held the milk that you’d come to pick up. You also grabbed some coffee grounds and then proceeded to checkout. After setting down the items on the counter, Loki turned over a chocolate bar in his hands, feeling like a child as you took it out of his hands and put it down with the other items. You grabbed a few other bars too, flashing a smile at Loki and keeping up a conversation with the clerk all the while.

“And who’s your new friend?” the cashier, whose name tag said Mr. Berkeley, asked you.

“This is Loki. He’s staying with me until... Well for a while,” you finished, not sure how much Loki felt comfortable revealing.

“Where’re you from, sonny?”

“Unfortunately, I cannot remember. It seems I had some kind of horrid accident,” Loki explained before you could fret anymore. He was very tired of being called son by people when he was a thousand years their senior, though. “I was very lucky to have found my way onto their farm.”

“Well, that’s quite a story. You should talk to the newspaper, get the word out.”

You shot an “I told you so” look at Loki to which he responded with one that said, “We’ll talk about this later.” Before either of you could say anything, though, the news came on the TV which Loki hadn’t realized was on.

“Do you have cable back?” you inquired as Loki began to panic. “It’s still out on the farm.”

“Nah. I got a satellite on the roof. Just got it set up again this morning.

You nodded along as the anchors began the next story. “New York is still reeling from damage, but the group of superheroes, going by the name of the Avengers, is leading clean-up efforts. The perpetrator has still not been caught-”

Loki discreetly turned the TV off with his powers before you could hear any more. He’d have to make sure the satellite took significant damage before leaving.

“Dang it. I just fixed that damned thing,” the cashier said.

“What was that all about?” you asked, completely bewildered by the sudden influx of information. “What happened in New York?”

“I guess you missed it in the paper last week,” Mr. Berkeley explained. “Some crazy group of aliens attacked, led by some power hungry god. Supposedly it was Thor’s brother, but they haven’t disclosed that information yet. Reckon they want to wait until he’s caught, avoid a panic.”

“Oh my god. That’s terrible! Gosh, you miss one paper,” you laughed, trying to keep the mood light.

A dark cloud passed over Loki’s features, even as Mr. Berkeley laughed along. Despite those SHIELD agents covering this up, word had still gotten out in some capacity. He had to be careful, or else he was going to get caught, and then you’d be in danger. He cursed under his breath. Your safety should be the last thing he was worrying about, and yet it was the first thought to come into his mind. A little kindness thrown his way should not make him into the mess he was. Of course, there were so many other things to like about you, too, and he kept finding more. He didn’t want to, he didn’t want any of this, but the Norns were punishing him for something. What would have happened, he wondered, if he’d listened to Thor and just held on that fateful day? If he hadn’t let go of the staff and fallen to what should have been his ultimate demise?

“Sonny, are you alright?” Mr. Berkeley asked as you laid a hand on his arm.

“Fine, but I think we should be going. I’ll meet you outside.”

He jerked away from your touch before you could do anything else and stalked outside. At least the satellite was hanging half off the roof with a huge dent in its side. He opened his door and got into the car as you unlocked it and raced over to him.

“Loki! Loki!” you called as you hurried over. “What was that? Are you ok?”

“Nothing! Nothing at all. Can’t you see I’m fine?” he snapped, struggling with the seatbelt. “I’m fine,” he whispered again.

“Hey, look at me,” you soothed, filled with compassion and placing a hand on his cheek. “Whatever it is, just let me know. I’m here for you. Talk to me.”

Loki’s eyes fluttered shut as he enjoyed the warmth from your palm. He let go of the seatbelt and took a few deep breaths, just like his mother had taught him. A part of him wanted to hang onto this anger, knowing that it might finally drive him to leave. He knew from experience, though, that acting in moments of blind rage would never lead to anything good.

“Is it New York? Did you remember something?” you gasped. “You had felt it was important in some way.”

“Perhaps,” he said after one last steadying breath. “It may have triggered something. But really, I am just a little tired. Maybe I am not as healed as I thought.”

He turned his head away and rested it against the window as your hand dejectedly fell into your lap. It’s not that he wanted to pull away, but he knew it’s what was safest for you.

“Ok then. We’ll go home.”

Loki whispered his thanks and succeeded in buckling up. He closed his eyes as the car started and a wave of emotions crashed over him. When you said home, he immediately pictured the farm. He knew he shouldn’t, but he did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loki holed himself up in his room for the rest of the day, working through the new information he’d learned. He pretended to be asleep when Ana came to bring him some dinner. Notably, you had not been the one taking care of him, and he cursed himself for pushing you away. He didn’t even bother trying to convince himself it was for the best; he knew it wasn’t. After so many years on his own, he finally had a friend, and he drove you away. Why he expected anything less from himself, he didn’t know.

At some point, he fell into a restless sleep. The food from last night was still on the bedside table, but it was now joined with the Snickers bar you’d bought for him yesterday. Someone had also come and tucked him in. Maybe he hadn’t lost his friend, after all. He opened the chocolate and took a bite, delighting in the sweet and nutty flavor. He polished it off, then waved a hand over the rest of the food, causing it to disappear. He wasn’t much in the mood for eating it, but didn’t want you to worry. He nearly ran into John as he walked into the hallway with the empty tray.

“There you are!” John exclaimed. “We were getting worried. Do you need the doctor?”

“No, I am quite alright, thank you. I think I just needed some good sleep,” Loki lied.

“Only if you’re sure. Take it easy today, though, ok?”

“That’s an order,” you said, appearing behind your brother-in-law and taking the tray from Loki. “Are you hungry? You missed breakfast, but I can heat up some leftovers from you.”

“I am fine,” Loki began, but noticed you frown. “Though, I suppose I could do with a small breakfast.”

“Great!” you said a little too brightly. “I’ll meet you down there.”

“Loki, can I talk to you for a minute?” John asked, pulling him aside. “What exactly happened yesterday? We heard about New York, but it seemed like there was something else bothering them.”

Loki felt a pang in his chest at the man’s words. As if the news weren’t upsetting enough, he’d been rude to you. He could only imagine how you would feel if you knew he was the one who had caused the mayhem. He wanted to pin the blame on someone else, but the blood was on his hands and he knew he had to take some responsibility. Doing that would help him change, which he recognized was absolutely necessary after all that had happened.

“I fear I may have upset them,” Loki started, shedding his old ways by telling the truth. “I was not feeling quite right, and I turned them away. Now they clearly blame themself for it. I deeply regret it, but I am not sure there is anything I can do.”

“Just talk to them. Apologize.”

Loki did his best not to look shocked, but the last time he said sorry was when his parents caught him playing tricks on Thor, and even then it was done begrudgingly. He wasn’t even sure he could make it sound sincere.

“Listen, I’ve got an idea,” John said. “We’re heading to the city today if you want to tag along. They’re off to get some gifts for Ana while I’ve got a few potential distributors to meet with. I’m sure they would be thrilled to have your company. Unless you’re not feeling well, of course.”

“No, I’m feeling fine. That is a great idea. You have my thanks, John.”

“No problem. Now, you’d better head down for breakfast before we both get in trouble,” he laughed.

With a final nod of gratitude, Loki took off down the stairs. His light footsteps went undetected as he neared the table, once again giving him the opportunity to eavesdrop on Mama’s suspicions.

“I know something else must’ve happened yesterday. You weren’t upset over nothing.”

“It’s just the New York thing,” you replied. “I’m fine. Really.”

“You tell me what that boy did right now or so help me I’ll kick him out of this house myself!”

“Mama! He didn’t do anything wrong. I get that what happened with James hurts, believe me I do, but you can’t let it run your life. You have to be able to trust others, to trust me,” you pleaded.

“How dare you drag your brother into this,” Mama shot back, her voice cracking. “How ’bout you trust my gut when it tells me that boy is trouble. I swear-”

She was cut off by Loki doubling back and thudding down the stairs, making his presence known. He’d heard more than enough of that conversation and wouldn’t allow you to feel any more hurt than you already were.

“Good morning,” he coldly said to Mama as he walked in, nostrils flaring slightly before he regained some composure. “I am not interrupting anything, am I.”

“Only our entire lives. Why don’t you go to the police, huh? And what about the missing person ad? Why haven’t we gotten that out yet? I don’t know what game your playing, but when I figure it out, believe me you’ll be sorry.”

“Fine! You want to know what I am doing here? I do not know. I have no idea why I ended up here or why I have stayed as long as I have. So when you ‘figure it out,’ by all means, please let me know.”

“Fine!” Mama shouted as she stormed off.

Loki was comforted by the fact that in his little outburst, he hadn’t technically told any lies to you. Half-truths? Most certainly, but no outright lies. Now that he was left alone with you, though, he felt embarrassed he lost his temper. He cleared his throat before speaking.

“I am sorry,” he said, not looking at you.

“Loki, you don’t have to say sorry for defending yourself. I understand.”

“That’s not what I’m apologizing for,” he confessed, now looking into your eyes. “Yesterday I was not feeling quite right, but I should not have snapped at you nor pushed you away like that. For that, you have my sincerest apologies.

“It’s really ok, it happens to everyone. I just care that you’re feeling alright.”

You stayed where you were standing, still hesitant to move toward Loki out of fear of being rejected again. So, it fell upon Loki to close the distance between you. He took your hand in his and placed a kiss to your knuckles as a light blush coated his cheeks.

“Thank you, darling. I assure you, I am feeling more than alright now.”

Whatever was about to happen between you next was cut off by the beeping of the microwave. You finished putting together his breakfast before sitting with him at the island. Though your relationship had been repaired, the conversation was still a bit choppy and awkward as you found your footing in the friendship again. John walked in just as you were cleaning up, whistling a happy tune.

“Ready to go whenever you guys are,” he said as he leaned against the doorframe.

“You’re coming?” you asked Loki, feeling worried for his health. “Are you sure you’re up for that? I can even stay behind with you if u want.”

“Please, do not change your plans on my account. I am in a great condition to go.”

You still seemed reluctant, but agreed he could come as long as he let you know the second he started feeling unwell. He conceded, and you went to fetch your jacket with the promise you’d be back in a minute. John gave Loki a thumbs up, to which he replied with a very self-assured smile, bolstered with confidence by your latest exchange.

A few minutes later you were all piling into the car, with Loki insisting you took the passenger seat and that he’d ride in the back. He was very pleased to get the seatbelt buckled on the first try, and the two of you shared a laugh at the little inside joke. His cheeks burned slightly, remembering how you’d fallen against him. Over the next few hours, you passed time by talking, laughing, and singing along to the radio. Just as you were entering the city, a troubling thought occurred to Loki; the people here had heard the news. Even if it hadn’t been officially announced that he was responsible for New York, those rumors about him had to have included a description. Sudden inspiration struck as John parked the car.

“You don’t happen to have a hair tie in here, do you?” he inquired.

“Yeah,” you replied, reaching into the glove compartment. “Ana keeps some in here for emergencies.”

Loki thanked you as you passed it to him and quickly put his hair up in a low bun. When he turned his attention back to you, you were staring at him, and he gave you a charming, lopsided grin that had you ducking your head in embarrassment.

“Ok,” John said with a clap of his hands once you were all on the sidewalk. “We’ll meet here in, say, about 5 hours.”

“Sounds like a plan,” you agreed, before waving goodbye.

Now it was just you and Loki again as you took off towards some stores to look at some baby gifts for Ana. It would still be half a year before the baby arrived, but you were always indecisive when it came to purchasing gifts. On the way, Loki ducked into a small shop and bought a pair of sunglasses, furthering his disguise. Between that, the new clothes, and the different hairstyle, he felt pretty confident in his ability to blend in.

After two-and-a-half hours of shopping, you’d found a bunch of things to maybe get, but hadn’t decided on anything. You would go back and look some more, but you were bone tired after all the walking around. The fact that you were so exhausted made you concerned for Loki’s condition, too, not entirely trusting that he would tell you if he was feeling ill, despite his promise to.

“How are you holding up?” you cautiously asked, afraid of a repeat of yesterday if you pushed too hard.

“I am doing quite well. You, however, seem to need to stop for a spell. Come, let us rest for a minute.”

He led you over to the food court of the mall you were at and pulled out a chair for you to sit in. He glanced around at the options and, though there was nothing there that appealed to him, there was certainly something that you liked. Besides, he didn’t need to eat, but your frail mortal body would need some sustenance sooner rather than later.

“Can I get something for you to eat?” he offered.

“How about we go see a movie instead?” you proposed, eyeing up the nearby theater.

“Only if you eat something.”

“Wow. Look at how the tables have turned,” you laughed. “Fine, but you have to also.”

After a minute’s debate, you and Loki agreed on a comedy starring your favorite actor. It wouldn’t have been Loki’d first pick, but after all the stress and angst of the last 24 hours, he figured he could use a laugh. You also convinced him to try some popcorn and Pepsi. He wasn’t much a fan of the soda, but the snack was tasty enough. Though, you did end up stealing half of his after finishing your own, which was fine with him. The best part of the whole experience, though, was getting to hear your laugh over and over again. Loki thought it might be the most beautiful sound he ever heard. Well, perhaps the best part was actually when your arms brushed each other as you both went to put them on the armrest at the same time. Loki filed away all these little mental notes to dwell on at a later date. Or, if he were lucky enough to rein in his hurricane of thoughts, never again.

“Well, that killed a lot of time,” you said after the movie ended and you were stretching out, aching from having sat for so long. “We’ve still got some left though. What do you want to do?”

“I believe there was a library over by where we parked. Let us go there,” he said, quickly thinking up a plan.

By the time you walked over, there was only about twenty minutes left for him to complete what he needed to do. He hurried over to where the computers were, and though he wasn’t particularly adept with modern Midgardian technology, the directions taped to the wall were clear enough that he was able to look up a book. He sent you off to get it, claiming that the title had just popped into his head and that he was certain he used to love it, and that he wanted to check on the status of a few others. You obliged, hoping that seeing the book would bring back some more of his supposedly lost memories.

Once you were gone Loki quickly searched for information on what he learned was being referred to as the Battle of New York. Thankfully, there was as little information about him circulating as Mr. Berkeley had said. Mostly, it was just speculation and stories from people claiming they’d been there. A great number of posts and photos had been deleted, too, and Loki assumed that they were ones with more valid claims and information. Knowing how SHIELD is, Loki was sure it was all removed almost immediately, so he felt relatively safe but decided he couldn’t be too careful.

“I found it!” you said, setting the book down as Loki closed out the tab he was on.

“Wonderful! Thank you,” he replied, flipping through it. “Most unfortunately, the other books were checked out.”

You leaned over shoulder to look at the book in his hands. “That’s too bad. What about this one, though? Triggering any memories?”

“Well, I think I enjoyed reading. Other than that, I am afraid not.”

“That’s ok. We’ll keep trying.”

Your hand slowly drifted over to rest on his, and he gave you a brilliant smile. It made him wish he’d found a friend in the universe far sooner than he had. Then maybe he wouldn’t have ended up in the hands of Thanos, committing atrocities against his family and strangers alike. Then again, if none of that happened, he never would have met you. He was torn over which he preferred.

“There you guys are,” John said, walking up to where you were. “Ready to head back whenever you are.”

After putting the book back on the shelf, you were ready to leave. Loki hung back with John as you exited.

“Your plan has worked miracles, my good man. You have my sincerest gratitude,” he said.

“No problem, dude,” John said, patting Loki on the back. “Glad to bring a happy couple back together again.”

Loki’s steps faltered. Between his companion’s smirk and teasing tone, Loki knew it was meant as a joke. Mainly, anyway. John really was very off the mark, though. He and you were merely friends, nothing more. And surely that was just barely so, seeing as you were a human. There was no way you meant anything else to Loki. Right?

It wasn’t until you were back on the road, and Loki couldn’t stop looking at the back of your head, that he even began to realize just how much trouble he was in.

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loveactionsspeaklouder · 3 years

Text

we belong together - kylian mbappé and julian draxler fanfic

6| Playing with Fire

a/n: very smutty

october 2023| paris

"I can't believe that is Molly man," Neymar gasped as he spoke to Kylian, both players were in the canteen on their scheduled break. It had been two weeks since Kylian and Molly had their heated argument over her actions with Julian, the Frenchman was still raging with the brunette. But that didn't stop their affair, it only increased it. They would fuck at every opportunity; at work, her apartment and even Kylian's when his poor fiancé was away, which luckily for him, was most of the time. "What happened?"

Kylian looked over to where Molly was sat, he wasn't surprised to see her intense stare on him. He observed her face, emotionless and stern as always, he mentally sighed. He was unaware how naturally programmed she was, she knew when to; laugh at a funny comment, smile at someone she knew and constantly retain her cunning grin, it was the thing that scared Kylian the most. "I'm trying to find out," he exhaled, unable to remove his eyes from hers. "This isn't an act she's putting on, she's like this all the time and it's fucking draining."

Kylian watched as Molly removed herself from her seat and made her way towards them. Her dark eyes met his; he felt himself cower slightly under her gaze, which penetrated his with much more power than it ever had before. She smirked and ran a hand through her hair, she made him uncomfortable and she loved it. "Can I have a word in my office please? John wants us to talk about you potentially attending a tour."

"Sure, I'll be right there," he replied. She winked and swayed her hips away from them, Neymar watched with his jaw hung open. He shook his head, turning to face the younger man.

"Bro, you need to do something," he started. "You need to bring her back. It's only you or Julian that can."

....

october 2023| paris

"You didn't really want to speak me, did you?" Kylian questioned.

Molly stood up and made her way to her office door, making sure it was locked. She turned around and attached their lips, laughing into the kiss. Kylian let out a moan at the feel of her lips on his. She pulled away and shook her head, placing a finger over his lips. "You need to be quiet, these walls aren't soundproof."

She bucked her hips against his, slowly rubbing herself against the bulge straining against his tracksuit bottoms, they gasped into each other's mouths. Molly shoved a few things of her desk onto the floor, clearing the space for her to lay her back on. Kylian removed his bottoms, her darks eyes eyed his as she took his length into her hand and stroked him a few times. He returned the favour and used his own fingers to prepare her already wet folds. She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him closer, whispering into his ear. "Just fuck me already."

And he did, without hesitation. Kylian entered her fast and hard, the only way she enjoyed it. He instantly let out a shaky breath and squeezed his eyes shut. She quickly connected their lips, trying to muffle any sounds. "Is this what you wanted?" he muttered, lust-filled and against her neck. She nodded, he quickly upped his movements.

Molly was numbed to feeling the emotion that came with love. She had months of practice to prepare herself and right now, knowing her actions were mentally hurting Kylian, she was thriving. Every day she was getting stronger, smarter and feistier, she had managed to fool everybody around her. They were all merely characters in her game of life.

"Molly, you feel so good," she was snapped out of her thoughts by Kylian's low groan. She mentally rolled her eyes, I wish he would stop fucking talking. He closed his eyes and squeezed his body tighter onto hers. He picked her up and sat them on the chair.

"And who said you make all the decisions?" she sniggered. He tugged on her hair, her back arched and her head tipped back. He moved his lips to her neck, sinking his teeth into the skin. She teasingly moved herself up and down his length; Kylian growled in her ear and grabbed her waist, forcing her to move quicker.

He moaned her name against her skin as she came down harder and faster on him. "Just shut up and ride me," he hissed. She smirked at his sudden outburst, slightly proud at the change of tone in his voice. He gasped as he looked between her legs, watching her fingers rubbing hurried circles along her most sensitive part. "Fuck me."

"I am," Molly spat. Kylian positioned a hand over her mouth, pushing her head to the side, he didn't want to listen to her sarcastic words anymore. She threw her head back in pleasure, releasing herself from his grasp. She bounced quicker before she eventually reached her high, biting on Kylian's jacket to stop herself from screaming out loud.

Molly knew he was close to finishing, she was debating whether to allow him the satisfaction. She gripped his shoulders and continued bouncing, whispering the dirtiest words she could think of in his ear. Just this once, she thought. He means nothing, she reminded herself. Kylian's body started to shake, he released himself on her thigh, quietly muttering in French. She removed herself from his body and shook her head. "You've made a fucking mess."

"Next time, I'll keep inside of you," he challenged. "But don't come running to me if you get pregnant."

Molly rolled her eyes and mockingly laughed. She liked that he was challenging her fiery ways. She seductively walked over to him and pecked his lips, pulling away a few millimetres. She crooked her head and looked into his eyes. Kylian wondered what she was about to say, she was unpredictable with the words that left her mouth. He didn't know what version of Molly he would get. "We are finished here, goodbye Kylian."

....

october 2023| paris

Kylian couldn't believe he was doing this; he knew he needed answers about Molly and he only had one option, somebody who was apparently oblivious to her wicked ways: Adam. Kylian was jealous of the older man, he had the one thing he wanted to have, the thing he needed in his life. He had the love of Molly; he had her warmth, her laugh, her touch and she didn't have to fake it. Well not all of it. She did love Adam, he was the one person that had helped her through the trauma of her father's death, but he wasn't the person she needed.

"Mr Lawrence will see you now," the blonde receptionist spoke, a flirty tone in her voice as she gazed at the Frenchman. Kylian politely nodded and walked towards Adam's office door, he knocked and waited until he was allowed in. He took a seat across from the Englishman, who focused his full attention on the footballer.

"This is a surprise Kylian," Adam lightly chuckled. "I thought Anna was lying when she said you requested to see me. I think I know why you're here."

"I just need to ask you a few questions," Kylian responded. "I wonder how she's changed so much. I don't even recognise her anymore."

Adam sighed, removing himself from his seat and taking another one next to his guest. "I wish I could help you," he sighed. He too wanted answers; unknown to Molly, he had noticed some of her personality changes. She was getting used to acting like she didn't care, she started to wonder how it was so natural for her. "I've noticed the difference, I'm guessing you've seen more?"

"A lot more, when did she start to change?"

"After the year anniversary of her father's death," Adam started. "She told me she wanted to do things differently, she wanted to cry less and that happened. The last time I saw her cry, was during the second anniversary. But it was unusual, it was like she had to force herself to shed the tears."

Kylian ran his hands over his face, resting his head in his palms. He wondered if things would have been different, if he had handled their situation better. He knew it would have been tough on Molly, he remembered the look in her eyes so vividly. She was broken. I had broken her. All he wanted to do was fix her, but with her resentment to feeling any emotions, he knew it was going to be tough.

"If I'm being brutally honest Kylian, the major turning point for her was your engagement. I remember the day we found out; we were watching TV and the news flashed on her phone. She blinked once, faced the phone in my direction and stared at me. She had no emotion in her eyes; she was cold, distant and emotionless. I asked her if she was okay and her response shocked me; I will never forget her voice, it was low and almost threatening."

"What did she say?"

"She said she wasn't bothered, but I know she's not telling the truth. What scares me the most, is that I don't think she realises she's lying."

....

a/n: oh look.. an update!!! so i have two days of from work a week and i will post on them days.

back to the story... so kylian has finally gone to adam!!!! the next chapter is based in the past, you’ll get a glimpse of what molly has been through and why she is so against her emotions.

until next time xxxx

#kylian mbappe #julian draxler #fanfiction #fanfic #football #psg #paris saint germain #Football Fanfiction #football imagine #imagine #football smut #kylian mbappe imagine #julian draxler imagine

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strawberryjamsara · 3 years

Note

Do you have any predictions for how Chapter 3 will play out? :D and what are your thoughts on the CH3 dummies? I think smth is gonna happen with Hinako but I do not know what

I’ll start with the dummies

Kurumada- I can’t quite get a read on him. He seems easily distrustful, almost on the same level as Hinako, and he stands as the second highest placer in the game next to Sara, yet died in his first trial. His distant attitude and refusal to open up draws parallels to Keiji, but unlike Keiji, he doesn’t make shows to gain trust. He’s very open about who he is. I’m also curious what his backstory is. He states that he got into trouble with police a lot, which considering the fact he has the darkest skin in the game, and the fact that this game really does say ACAB a lot... I feel like that’s going to come back. He does seem to be opening up with Qtaros help, and I’m interested to see more of him.

Mai-Ms Tsurugi, please marry me. But jokes aside I love Mai. I like the “seemingly dumb and ditzy character is actually pretty hyper competent” trope and she’s really cute and pretty and I am gay. Part of me wonders what will happen when she wakes up in 3-1B. She might be the link that unifies the humans and the dummies touched that Qtaro spared her, or she might side with Hinako. It’s hard to tell with her because she keeps her cards very close to her chest, clearly smarter than she looks, and able to get the jump on Qtaro and be the first dummy to take action against her partner. Of course, she’s also a person who was dropped into a bad situation, just like everyone else in the game, so I don’t want to judge her too harshly. I’ll just say she’s an excellent dame and I want to bake bread with her.

Ranmaru- Eugh... I’m gonna be honest and say I don’t like Ranmaru. He has the personality of unseasoned chicken. We really don’t see much of him, and his only significance seems to come in what he means to Sara, and whether she sees him as a friend or not. I find him very uninteresting and ran//Sara is in no way my thing.

Hayasaka- this man is the embodiment of “I have a wife and a kid and a mortgage and if I drop a bag of my favorite chips on the ground, I don’t cry about it.” Honestly, I find his constant quips and panic funny, and I definitely think he’s going to become a keystone in the plot what with his connections to Asunaro, and knowledge of Sara’s history. I definitely think keeping him alive is going to be a huge factor on the story. Also I love his relationship to Gin. Especially when he starts trying to impress him, like a lame dad trying to be cool. He’ll probably turn out to be a good character once the game is finished.

Anzu- CLOWN GIRL! Yeah I love Anzu. She’s ditzy, and cute, and shy, and fun loving and like, what more do you need to love her? Also... once again, I want to comment on her percentage and how she beats out a lot of adults with her standing. It’s been theorized by a friend of mine that she’s the back up high school girl in case Sara loses which is FASCINATING. Like with Kurumada, Anzu is hard to get a read on. It doesn’t seem like she’ll be as important as Hayasaka, but I can only hope that she’ll get more attention as the story goes on, I want a reward for keeping her alive!

Hinako- Gaz Membrane. Okay jokes aside Hinako... fascinates me. I’m not on board with the theory that she’s not the real Hinako and is just a fake planted among the dummies because of the painting and the victim video like one... why make an obvious difference to the real Hinako if you want her to blend in and two, I don’t think her being happy in the moment of her death means she was always gunning for it. It’s normal for people with suicidal thoughts to still fear death. Like, it’s very common, no I am not talking about myself what do you mean? Anyways, Hinako’s acceptance in her final moments could easily be for the act she didn’t have the courage to do herself. And I think her current attitude matches that. She’s jaded. Violent. Clearly not a happy person. Okay, I’m getting off track let me talk about her character. I’m definitely sensing a tragic backstory with her. Her violent tendencies, her suspicion of others, it’s going to be for a reason. I do hope she gets redemption because she’s just a child, and no child should ever feel the way she seems to constantly. Her acceptance of death is... depressing. She seems to fight vehemently for it, a sense of looking out for No. 1, but there’s clearly no motivation within her too. She has eye bags, a blatant cynicism to her, who hurt you child, TELL ME? But yeah, I really like Hinako.

Well that’s the dummies. Now for how the chapters routes will go...

Well, the Kanna lives route is definitely going to be our access to the “true ending”. There’s going to be a successful escape, and we might not even have a main game. There might be multiple endings and some might go badly but it’s clear the game wants to set the emotion route as the happy ending. Though part of me wonders... maybe it’ll leave a few questions unanswered? Because hear me out, hear me out. This is the EMOTION route. It’s not going to matter what answers there are, just coming out with everyone, and beating the forces that put them there. Maybe just one of the endings ends like that. There will be multiple after all.

As for the Shin lives route... I see no happy endings in sight. The endings I foresee for this one are Shin getting his revenge, and in the case that the player avoids the game over and leaves him choking on his blood and still cursing everyone, so much of a desperate vile monster at that point you feel nothing but disgust, then I see it ending with Sara, queen of the death game, killing the rest of her allies in and taking her place on the throne of Asunaro as it’s heiress. I’ve seen some people throw around ideas for a Shindemption and happy ending in this route and as much as I’d like that to happen, and for there to be a Sara and Shin friendship... yeah, it’s not happening buddy. But I do hope Shin gets to be the one to kill Midori in this route. He deserves it.

#your turn to die #kimi ga shine #hinako mishuku #anzu kinashi #shunsuke hayasaka #mai tsurugi #naomichi kurumada #kanna kizuchi #shin tsukimi #sara chidouin #ask

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funkymbtifiction · 3 years

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hi its me for the hundredth time 😎

i figured out 2/3s of my tritype but im having a hard time with the last fix. i know that im a 5(w6) and im pretty sure about 8 being my second fix, but i cant, for the life of me, figure out if my third is 4 or 3.

whilst i like remaining true to myself and am not a fake person, i dont look down on the idea of changing myself a bit to get what i want. so, being nice to a teacher that i dont particularly care about so i can make a good impression and get better grades. i also dont really care about how people perceive me, but i like being perceived as smart and competent. i enjoy the idea of being respected, looked up to and successful. i dont go out of my way for that, but i daydream about it and its an image that brings me a lot of pleasure. but then im also very knowledgeable about myself, i know who i am and i like being true to that, even it being ever changing (since we are beings that constantly go thru change). i do think that i am different than other people and i feel superior sometimes (but in a grounded way, i think. not in a “youre inferior, shut up” but in a “im probably smarter than people around me but that doesn’t make me better than them), and i like being introspective and trying to find out who and how am i.

do you think thats more 3 or 4? can you highlight the differences between 583 and 584? ive been reading about it but people describe it in a very unrealistic disney villain way lol

little addition to my previous submission: i love to analyze people (in a general). sociology really interests me because i like understanding what makes people tick. we’re all consistent and don’t strain too far away from who we are, so even when we change we only change 5-10%. i still analyze that in a detached “far away” way, observing from the outside and thinking about it on my own, but i find it fascinating

Sounds vaguely more 3 to me, but... which one do you 'ghost' with?

3-5: Accuracy, efficiency, repressing emotions, surgical 3-8: Aggressive with what they want, pushing through, not backing down, dominating, narcissistic, emotional wall

4-5: Existential, withdrawn, removed from reality, schizoid, an insect among humans, out of touch with the masses, a problem 4-8: Reactive, authentic, novelty, destroying, “real,” amplifies emotions externally, no bullshit, angry, bratty

Source: https://www.enneagrammer.com/fixes-stems

To find your image fix, think about how you react when your identity or image is attacked, and how you defend it. 4s disassociate, over-focus on how they are different/better, and 3s impress, leverage their success, and want to seem above caring.

Both those combos are pretty distant / uncaring in some ways; 358s make detached decisions, and 458s are surprised people want them around.

#question #enneagram

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teachingtales · 3 years

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Question: My parents and teachers tell me to “just be myself”, but when I am myself, people say I’m weird and don’t want to be around me. But when I’m fake and put on a different personality, they accept me or they call me fake. It’s like I can’t win. How am I supposed to be myself if no one likes who I am?

If I may put on my Elderly Hat™️ for a second, all you can gather around as I give out some Old Person Advice™️

You have one chance at this life; regardless of your after-death beliefs, you have one life in this particular incarnation. How do you wish to spend it?

I don’t mean that as “Big Brain Philosophy”nonsense, like a one-off statement that should automatically give you the “right” answer. When framed as I framed it, sure, the obvious answer is “I want to live by enjoying being myself”...but how can we enjoy being ourselves?

This is where the Elderly Hat™️ comes into play. It’s not that younger people can’t reach these conclusions, it’s just that being older usually lends to more life experiences that can shape up decisions.

I was definitely an outcast growing up...both in school and in my large extended family. It made me resentful, and I fell more into my personal hobbies as a result. I didn’t like the “superficial interests” of my peers, so hearing “You’re weird” became a compliment...it meant I wasn’t like them, and I hated them so of course I felt good to be different from them.

I carried this hate into early adulthood, and joining the military I ended up being forced into close quarters with “superficial” people. I was forced to learn more about them. Being “weird”, I still stuck out in an obvious way. People thought I was introspective and analytical...and I was/am, but I grew up being told that I was “cold” and “robotic” and “lacked empathy”. Now people saw that there was a benefit to having a buddy who unemotionally analyzed a situation.

Being around the “superficial” people, and being analytical, I began asking them why they thought the way they did. It turned out that’s just where their interests were. They still got into their interests and “nerded out” in their own way, I was just too prejudiced and angry to see it before. I stopped taking everything personally. I stopped thinking I was better than them. I just had interests that led me to studies and documentaries, while theirs led them to different experiences than I was used to. We just had different thinking, which shaped us differently, but we weren’t “better” or “worse”. It was like being on two separate, but equally-tall,plateaus. I could see them, they could see me.

I learned their thinking style did have its moments, and I credited them. I cynically smirked to myself about “A broken clock is right twice a day” but realized one day that they are not broken, and I was being just as crappy and stereotypical and prejudiced as the people I hated by assuming “different from me” meant they were “broken”. I also realized that they group of The Hated Others was getting smaller and smaller. I hated fewer people, and those I did hate were those who had wronged me in some way.

But I also realized, too, that carrying around hate...even for those deserving of hate...just upset ME. The target of my hate went about their day uninterrupted; I was the one bothered and inconvenienced by that hate. Hating them hurt ME, not THEM. I realized I needed to stop hating. If I really didn’t like the person, the best way to show it was to stop giving them so much of my energy.

I became more accepting of The Others, and also more comfortable in expressing myself. I still like my gothic fashion style from my teen and young adult years, but I also felt it was okay to not constantly “announce” how different I am via fashion. I could look into other types of fashion and self-expression. My weird self still absolutely shines through, no matter how I look outside.

What became super weird was that me being myself suddenly became interesting and even cool to my peers. At work, I have some coworkers 10+ years younger than me, and THEY think I’M cool..?? These are the “Mean Girls” and “Popular Boys” type that would have mocked me (and received my snarky hate) in high school...and now they thought I was cool? That’s so weird. How did that happen? So of course I asked.

The answer? “You just do your own thing. You are accepting of others even if they’re different from you, and you know a lot of cool stuff.”

Wow. Being myself actually worked? Well, to be fair, this is a better version of me. A version of me I’ve worked on a lot, to be a nicer, smarter, stronger version of myself.

“Just be yourself” is advice ADULTS give to TEENAGERS but they fail to explain that it makes sense in the adult world. Fake, kiss-butt, spineless, unintelligent, lazy coworkers anger everyone. Fake friends who smile at you but talk behind your back anger everyone. But the older you get, the less tolerant you become of it. You just want someone who will say what they mean, who has their own hobbies/interests to contribute to conversation...it matters more that they’re an independent, interesting, kind person than a “popular opinion” type of person. “Popular opinion” people are boring. It’s fine to hold the popular opinion, by the way, but only as long as you can justify your feelings. “I dunno, I just believe X” no longer counts.

The trouble is that some teenagers really, REALLY shape their social identity by how Popular Opinion they can be, and when they become adults they just dig in further. These people can learn how to break away into being their true selves, but some never do. You’ve probably met them...teachers, grandparents, older neighbors...people 50+ years old that never THINK. They just parrot. Their worthless, often outdated, opinions are excused as, “They’re from a different time.” Being old is NOT an excuse for being an unthinking fool! In fact, it’s WORSE! How can you live through so many years and still have uninformed bigotry as your opinion? It’s inexcusable.

Anyway, that’s what I have for you. Feel free to ask questions. And remember: there is no wrong way to enjoy yourself (assuming you aren't hurting anyone without their consent). Some people and I have personalities that don’t match, and honestly that’s not only okay, but to be expected. There are around nine billion people on this planet, OF COURSE I’m not going to get along with all of them! So I just don’t go out of my way to associate with them, that’s all. I don’t hate them or try to make them like me. I’ve got other things to do.

#teacher #teaching #student #students #classroom #class #history #student life #study #distance learning #online class #zoom class #adulting #life advice

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