#Realizing I was (am?) the crying child made my entire actual real life panic attacks from the sight of FNaF animatronics

[kakusu-shipping]

(Same anon)

hfgjshskfhdjakafk oh my god yes!!! :O please talk about your s/I and Nightmare Fredbear!!!!!! 👀👀

THANKYOU SO MUCH FOR THE AAAAASK!!! Nothing brings me more joy than being asked about my Self Inserts <3

This S/I I've had for a while now sense I finally toughened up and watched Markiplier's playthroughs of FNaF despite my fear of them, I just never talked about it because I don't know how to talk about it, sense it's the very first Kin self insert I've ever had.

Usually when I ~Vibe~ with a character I'll call it Kin, but this was a very different feeling and it took a while to figure it out. Once I did I kinda fell into imposter syndrome about the whole Kin thing sense I'd seen a lot of people take it a lot more seriously than I ever did, so I just.. quietly added the Nightmares to my F/O list and left it at that.

But now I'm finally here to say!!! I am the Crying Child!!

This Self Ship's funny to me because even in the FNaF Universe the Nightmare animatronics aren't Real so Nightmare Fredbear is still a Fictional Other fkgjfdkg

The entirety of the self ship happens while in a coma after the bite of '83, which you all know as FNaF 4. It's wasn't actually as scary as the game made it out to be... Well I guess at first is was.

The whole thing takes place in my house, but wrong. Like, my room has two doors and they won't latch, and all my toys look weird, and it's always night, and my head hurts all the time, and of course, there's animatronics in the hallways.

For a really long time I was super scared, I thought they were gonna eat me! But I spent a long long time with them and eventually became less scared. And then not scared at all eventually!

Sometimes I'd hear my dad or brother talking, but it'd be echoey and distant. Fredbear told me not worry about it too much. He's my best friend, so I trust him of course.

And, I mean.. That's it. It's not a very interesting self ship, just a child slowing succumbing to his wounds, comforted by the nightmares he had for years and years before.

The Ghost version is the thing that that Haunts the Narrative. It's as real as the Nightmares, and only Micheal and my Dad ever see it. I don't know what it is either, I just know it looks like me to them.

#Emile's Arts #Crying Child #Ask to tag #Cradle Ship #Proship Selfship #This one is so little plot wise but it means a lot to me #Realizing I was (am?) the crying child made my entire actual real life panic attacks from the sight of FNaF animatronics #Make a LOT more sense kfjgkfdjkgdf #I'm still figuring it out #I have a whole FNaF timeline based on just Strong Personal Opinions that I have never posted #And will never without being prompted honestly fdkgjfdkg #Thankyou soooooooooo much for asking about this one #It's fun to me <3 #I guess I could have given more character history... #Like how I was dad's favorite and was a pseudo-accomplice in his original 5 murders #But eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh #The FNaF fans seem really attached to their Matthew Patric Timeline so I don't wanna go pickin fights I don't have to #The 'Real' one's hair color btw is my actualy irl hair color #I don't use it often to S/Is because it makes me look way too pale #And also I hate it personally dkfjgkdfjg

[inessencedevided]

A very overdue cql/mdzs fic rec list

for @accidental-child ​

I am so sorry this took me so long Axel! The pandemic has really done a number on my time-management skills and things like this often fall behind :/

The fics complied here are the ones i have not recced in the list for @helianthus21 before. You can find that one here, so you can check it out as well :)

The Wei Wuxian makes a wish series by natcat5

My attempt at a summary: this is a madoka magica AU (which i had not watched prior to reading this fic). Cultivators, in this universe, are created when a teenager makes a wish to the creature named Kyubey, which than grants them their wish and the power to fight witches, strange and destructive creatures of despair that lure people into their labyrinths. Wei Wuxian, at the beginning of the story is not a cultivator, but his friends are and so is the mysterious new student at his school, lan wangji, who follows him everywhere and seems to be obsessed with preventing him from making a contract.

My comment: my attempt at a summary does not do this story justice and is really just a setup. Honestly i cannot put into words how much I loved this story. It kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time. It made me laugh, it made me cry for entire chapters, it drew me into it's world so much that I freaking dreamed about it! (I'm not kidding, I really did) Honestly, this fic deserves so much more attention than it is currently getting. Not only is the plot expertly crafted, with reveals that shock you and leave you reading, but the author also just gets the characters. The best thing an AU can do, in my opinion, is take familiar characters, put them in unfamiliar situations and then manage to make the way they react believable. And this AU nails that! The conclusion and the choices that Wei wuxian and lan Wangji make in the end felt exactly right. Not to mention, it has a stellar ensemble cast! Everyone is here (except Xichen sadly and I kind of think it is deliberate because without him, Lan Wangji lacks a support system). Again, I cannot recommend this story enough. It is, without doubt, my favourite fic series in this entire fandom. (Caution however: Do read the warnings in the tags and notes and take them seriously. They are there for a very good reason.)

Agapé (home is in your arms) by estel_willow

Author’s summary: Lan Xichen is in isolation. Wei Wuxian visits him. Together they find their way back to happiness, to clarity and to home. 

My comment: This one focuses on both Lan Xichen’s and Wei Wuxian’s issues and lets them resolve them together. I am such a fan of their characterisations in this fic, as well as Lan Wangji’s even though he is not the focus. I love it when non-romantic relationships are the focus of fics and especially when they are central to the character’s resolving their own issues and moving forward in life and that is exactly what happens here.

until you're big enough by lostin_space      

Author’s summary: Lan Zhan is sad and not hungry; Lan Xichen asks Nie Mingjue to help him. 

My comment: This one is a really short and sweet read about how Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue parent the their younger brothers. I just really liked how the author portrayed todler Lan Zhan, as well as these two teenagers doing their best to be the parents that both he and Nie huaisang lack. 

Night Music by Manogahela                

Author’s summary: There is a music that plays in the night at Cloud Recess....but there isn't suppose to be. Lan Xichen investigates the mysterious dizi music that can be heard from the Jingshi at night following the Siege of the Burial mounds.

My comment: I absolutely adored this one, mainly for two reasons: 1. I love an outsider perspective and Lan Xichen’s, at this point and with his limited knowledge is absolutely wonderful. First, he isn’t even sure is what he thinks is happening really is happening and when he is sure, his feelings are, understandably very conflicted. 2. The author’s style compliments this fic so well. Since most of it happens at night and Xichen isn’t entirely sure that he can trust his senses, there is a certain dreamlike quality to it that the author writes beautifully. This fic is part one in a series. Part two is a WIP, but also very much worth the read!

Company by WithBroomBefore                

My summary: In which Wei Wuxian is whipped within an inch of his life by Madam Yu when he is fourteen and comes to stay at the cloud recesses. He and Lan Zhan become friends.

My comment: My summary once again does not do this fic justice. Because it is so much more than just that. It’s such a beautful exploration of friendship and love and bodily autonomy. Wei Wuxian has a lot to work through in this fic, but really, so has Lan Zhan who has the opportunity to make friends at a much more mellow pace than in the novel/show and panics a little less because of it. The war still happens but has much less dire consequences. All in all, this fic left me with a wonderful warm feeling in my chest.

you are safe / loved / worthy / enough by everythingispoetry                

Author’s summary: One of the more timid-looking posts, in pale greens and creams and yellows, says Hello, I'm managing to be fairly high functioning right now but I'm really not doing as well as it may appear, and Lan Zhan feels as if someone sneaked into his mind and read his most secret thoughts, the ones he's never even dared to admit to himself.

(In which Lan Zhan, to his own dismay, finds himself with the help of the most obnoxious, cheerful, cheesy self-care instagram account known to men.)

(And Wei Ying.)

My comment: Listen, I have a complicated relationship with fics that depict mental health struggles in characters. They are all so incredibly valid and I’m glad they exist (every single one of them, no matter if i like them or not) but due to the fact that they tend to come from the author projecting their own issues onto characters (which is NOT a bad thing! that is what fanfic is for!) they are often hit-and-miss when it comes to characterisation. But this story ... it just GETS Lan Wangji. If someone told me a scenario in a modern AU that leads to him developing an anxiety disorder and depression, this is what I would have come up with. Because let’s be real, Lan Wangji is a perfectionist to boot, insanely competitive and needs to live up to his family’s expectations, while also not having much of an emotional support system outside of his brother and uncle. That’s a dangerous cocktail in the modern world and just screams of a burnout waiting to happen. So Lan Wangji, off to university, living alone in a strange city for the frst time, spends all his time in a carefully calculated study routine but slowly realises that the path he set out on was not one he chose because he liked it but simply the one that was laid out for him by his background and family, which then leads to him questioning the reason behind what he does. That reads as incredibly real to me. A good AU, in my opinion, takes the characters and their inherent characteristics and lets them meet new and unique challenges that they never would have encountered in canon, which then leads to new and interesting character developement. And this AU manages that perfectly! (Plus, if you are a university student like me who sometimes suffers from crushing anxiety about the path they chose in life, this is insanely relatable. What? I never said I wasn’t biased :P)

porn (but not actually) and waiting (a lot of it) by hyacinth4maria    

Author’s summary: Lan Xichen sighs as he settles into the couch next to Lan Wangji.

"What are you looking at?"

Lan Wangji, without pausing from typing the names Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian in the Love Calculator 3000, says, "Porn."

Lan Xichen chokes.

- Lan Wangji has a crush. Lan Xichen hadn't realized his little brother was growing up.    

My comment: this one was hilarious! Just Lan Xichen being both absolutely exasperated and amused by wangxian’s pre-teen drama. I almost choked laughing at the line that coined the title. The author has these characters down to a T and they used their powers to attack my laugh-musccles :D

the field meets the wood by astronicht     

Author’s summary: Wei Wuxian is a dark shadow in the barley. Wei Wuxian is sorry for the kind of compassion that he is about to hand out.

(in which Lan Wangji is stolen for salt, and Wei Wuxian unravels the world, a little)

My Comment: HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS IS SO GOOD. Do you ever read a story and just marvel at the author’s mind? This is one of those. The sheer genius of giving Wei Wuxian the ability to pull entire beings into non-being! The absolute galaxy-brain idea to link the canon mythology to modern astrophysics!!! Wei Wuxian creates a motherfucking black hole in this one!!! And it’s SO well written, too! The author does not shy away from Wei Wuxian’s sharp edges and his darker side but goddamn if he is not still loveable anyway. Just GO READ THIS FIC!

Abandon your post by StarsAlignNomore        

Author’s summary: After months as Chief Cultivator and separated from his soulmate, Lan Wangji follows Wei Wuxian out into the world. He searches for him. He finds him. He kisses him. They reunite, they talk, they resolve. Sometimes Bichen lends emotional support. Chenqing bites. Little Apple is there too.

Your typical Post-Canon-Reunion-Fic with much more emphasis on their spiritual weapons than expected.

My comments: This one just left me with a lot of mushy feelings. Also I adore the way the author emphasised the relationship between Lan Wangji and Bichen. And by the end, Wangxian finally figure shit out through actual open communication. Absolutely beautiful!

#cql fic #cql fic rec #mdzs fic #mdzs fic rec #mdzs #cql #wangxian #wangxian fic rec #lan wangji #wei wuxian #lan xichen

[hopelesshawks]

Official Accounts Part 17- The Patrol Redux

Summary: (y/n) was perfectly happy remaining anonymous, even if her best friends were all pro heroes and she worked under THE Hawks. Handling the technical aspects of hero work from the background suited her just fine, thank you very much. That goes out the window when suddenly her twitter blows up thanks Denki and the famed no. 2 hero is asking her to run his own official twitter as a result

If you don’t want to see Official Accounts content blacklist #hopelessoa

Warning: Very slight spoilers for the provisional licensing exam in the anime and spoiler for the manga

Masterlist

Hawks was well accustomed to the jovial persona he was expected to put on in front of pretty much everyone outside of the commission. After all, it was one he’d cultivated almost his whole life. Of course he had days throughout the years where it felt all too exhausting to play the joker, but hero work was exhausting. That was the nature of the business. But since he’d watch your heart shatter in real time, since he’d heard you crying on the other side of a bathroom door all while you texted him about his betrayal, the persona hadn’t just been exhausting but absolutely suffocating. Yet he couldn’t turn it off. It was almost more natural to be Hawks than it was to be Keigo now. Even when Mirko had pointed out how rough he looked, his instinct had been to sit up straighter and perk up his wings as if that would hide the bags under his eyes. Hawks never dropped the persona. But as he sat on the roof of a building by where he intended to meet Chargebolt he realized he would probably have to.

Mirko had given him a plan. A really good one at that. If it worked he’d have to thank her later. But there was no way it would if he wasn’t genuine and that meant meeting Denki Kaminari as Keigo Takami. If the conversation stayed between Chargebolt and Hawks he was screwed. Knowing it was necessary and actually doing it, however, were two different beasts entirely. He would have to ignore every instinct he had honed over the more than decade he’d been a ward of the HPSC.

It had taken all of Denki’s strength to leave the apartment. You had looked so sad bundled up in his comforter staring blankly at your laptop screen as you went back and forth between attempting to work from the safety of his home and Netflix. Eventually though he had managed to pull himself away from his heartbroken friend, no matter how much it pained him, to go join the very person who had shattered you so thoroughly. He had wanted to cancel his patrols with Hawks but after the gossip blog had tweeted out about a potential feud his agency had demanded he keep it in order to avoid a pr nightmare. Who knew being a hero came with so much politics.

He expected Hawks to swoop down from above once he arrived at their designated meeting spot. He did not expect Hawks to look as bad as he did. “You look like shit,” Denki says by way of greeting. Hawks let’s out a humorless chuckle, “you’re the second person to tell me that today. Let’s go.” Everything about the experience is odd. As the two begin to walk Denki notices the bags under his eyes, the heavy set to his shoulders. For the first time ever Hawks truly looks like a man who carries the weight of Japan on his shoulders. “I know I have no right to ask this but how is she doing?” Hawks asks. Denki wants to snap back something snarky but something tells him not to. “Not good,” he says instead, shoving his hands into the pockets of his costume. Hawks thinks for a long moment, debating whether to ask the next question that comes to mind. In the end he decides he’s got nothing left to lose. “What happened at the provisional licensing exam?” “Dude.” “Not investigating. I swear.”

It’s weird to see Hawks so serious. Even when Denki had been injured during their first patrol Hawks hadn’t stopped bantering even once. It’s what had made Denki want to continue patrolling with him in the first place. At the time he thought they were similar. Class clowns who knew how to pull it together when the going got tough. But now all traces of that joviality seemed gone, except for the few moments the two of them would pass by a civilian, then he’d watch it slide back on like a second skin. “I’ll tell you on one condition. You explain the whole funny guy act thing you’ve got going on right now. It’s creeping me out a little seeing you switch back and forth dude,” Denki says.

Hawks stops dead in his tracks. His jaw clenches because it’s fair, trading one personal fact for another, but it goes against everything the HPSC has taught him. On the other hand, if he refuses, Denki will assume he’s just investigating again and then his chances of winning you back would really be gone. Denki looks confused as Hawks agonizes. He didn’t think it was that deep a question. Expected something along the lines of why All Might used to smile as he saved people. “It was the commission’s idea. I was a quiet kid and quiet doesn’t play well for a top hero,” Hawks finally admits before resuming walking. Denki has to speed up a little to keep pace. It’s an odd answer but he recognizes it must’ve been a difficult one to give. And, well, a deal is a deal.

“Like I said, (y/n) only took the exam because I pressured her into it,” Denki starts. He expected Hawks to perk up at learning new information about you but the man only nods in acknowledgment that he’s listening. “I thought if she got her license it’d convince her to try to be a pro hero again and then she could switch over to the hero course and join my class. She absolutely crushed the first part of the exam too. Yknow we had to tag targets on each other with these balls they gave us. It felt like a game so it was fun for her because she just smoked people out of the water. You should’ve seen Bakugo’s face when he realized she passed before he did! But uh, not the point.... The, uh, the point is uhm second round didn’t go so hot. We were helping some of the fake civilians when Gang Orca broke into the arena to play a villain attacking during a rescue and it, uh, it hit a little too close to home. Reminded her too much of how her mom died. She ended up having a panic attack. That’s why she failed and that’s why she didn’t bother going to any of the supplemental classes afterwards.”

The weight on Hawks’ shoulders seems to grow. “God I really am the worst aren’t I?” he chuckles. “Yea you kinda are,” Denki agrees, “but you’re kinda making it hard for me to hate you. Looking all torn up over this like that. It’s depressing seeing the number two hero like this yknow.” “Hence the persona,” Hawks shrugs. It’s quiet today, although they both expected as much. At least it gave them the space to talk. “Why’d you do it Hawks?” Denki finally asks. “Because she was too good to be true.” “Funny. She said the same thing about you that day.” “I’m many things but I don’t know if good is one of them anymore.” “Because of what happened with (y/n)?” “No. Not just that.” “I think this is the most honest I’ve ever seen you.” “This is the most honest I’ve ever been.” “How’s it feel?” “Terrifying. Mirko says I have trust issues.” “Yea that lines up.” “I need to talk to (y/n).”

Denki is the one to stop in his tracks this time. “I swear to god Hawks if you’re just trying to jerk her around I-“ “No! No it’s not that. I-,” Hawks sighs, “I just want a chance to explain why I am the way I am. Why I was so suspicious in the first place. If she wants nothing to do with me after that then that will be the end of it. I’ll write her a glowing recommendation letter for whatever hero agency she’d rather work at instead and she’ll never hear from me again. I swear.” Denki gives Hawks a considering look. Part of him wants to deny Hawks. That’s what Bakugo would do. Tell him to fuck off and keep his stupid explanations to himself. But he thought about you, curled up in his comforter, and decided it really shouldn’t be his decision whether Hawks stayed in your life or not. And if you were going to decide, you deserved to do so knowing all the facts. “Fine. After we finish patrol you can come with me to my place and talk to her but I swear to god if you make her cry again or I detect any bullshit, I’ll fry you Hawks. Number two hero or not I’ll send a million volts straight through your face with my fist.” “Thank you.” It was sighed out like a prayer. For the first time since you’d seen his texts, Hawks felt hopeful.

Author’s Note: Denki and Mirko are good friends to (y/n) and Hawks :’) In my mind there’s no way the HPSC didn’t know about Touya so I assume they helped Endeavor cover it up and would do their absolute best to make sure word didn’t get out about him being a literal child abuser

Taglist [open]: @cathy8taffy @katzurras @grumpyfroggies @captaincyberqueen @itskindofafairything @420-uwu @someweirdshitman @oliviasslut

#hopelessoa #hawks #hawks x reader #wing hero hawks #hawks x y/n #hawks smau

[living-with-pmd]

11 Women With PMDD Share What It's Really Like

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the evil cousin of PMS. They share the same types of symptoms—moodiness, increased hunger, cravings, fatigue, cramps, pain, brain fog, and depression, among others—but for PMDD sufferers, those symptoms get so bad they can cripple a woman's ability to lead a normal life.  

While up to 85 percent of women get PMS, according to the US Department of Health, only about 5 percent of women experience PMDD, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry.

We asked women with PMDD what it's really like living with the disorder. Here are their stories:

"I was diagnosed with PMDD last summer. Six months prior to my diagnosis, I started taking a certain birth control and soon every month I was experiencing severe PMS issues. I am a generally happy person, but during those few days I was someone entirely different. I was extremely depressed and anxious, having much more frequent panic attacks, and was super sensitive and lonely. I was even suicidal, which was terrifying. And the worst part was I was convinced that I had always been this miserable, and that I would always be this miserable, and it was never going to change. It felt as if someone had completely burned out the light in me and all happiness and joy and hope was gone. I didn't make the connection that it was related to my period but thankfully a close friend did. I have since switched birth control, which helped a lot, and increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Most importantly, I am aware of the way I feel those few days so I know to expect it, and I can logically remind myself that I will stop feeling that way soon. Looking back, I realize that I've probably always had pretty bad PMS or PMDD. The birth control worsened it but it was also causing a lot of issues I wasn't aware of previously as well." —Katherine H., 22, Edmonds, WA

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"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

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"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

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"In the past, PMDD almost made me suicidal and totally broke my spirit. Yes it wasthat bad. Every month. Eventually I got tired of being a 'crazy PMS woman' and decided I needed to fix this. Since I don't like to take pharmaceuticals, I branched out to homeopathic remedies and I discovered St. John's Wort and essential oils, especially clary sage and Doterra Calm-Its. It's a lot better now but I still have my hard days." —Amy S., 43, Zebulon, NC

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"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

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"This has impacted my ability to work effectively. My pet peeve is when people say 'it must be close to your time of the month' when they simply don't like what I'm saying. I have run into that problem a lot at previous jobs and it makes it really hard to be taken seriously. It's bullshit because my feelings are valid regardless and also PMDD is not a joke. I am so lucky now to have a male boss who understands but it wasn't always that way. I have also have found a lot of relief with naturopathic and herbal remedies." —Amalia F., 28, Vancouver, Canada

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"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

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"I'm overly emotional for the week before my period. Saying that makes it sound like it's not that bad but I get so distraught that my fiance has actually scheduled it in his phone as 'blood sport' to remind himself what's coming. I'm thankful that he's patient because I also feel like everyone hates me that week, too." —Kenlie T., 36, New Orleans, LA

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"All month long I'm fine and feel even and calm and then suddenly, the week before my period, I can't handle even the tiniest little thing. My irritability goes through the roof (which is not great since I have a 5-year-old) and I feel like I have no friends. It really makes me sad." —Jessica S., 28, Broomfield, CO

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"I know my period is coming because all of a sudden all of my joints hurt, especially my knees and ankles. I also get crazy gnarly cramps and once I even had a cyst that ruptured while I was on a date and the guy had to take me to the hospital! It was so embarrassing. Thankfully my husband now is very understanding when this time rolls around each month. The worst part is people who just think I make this stuff up. Some months are better than others and sometimes the pain is completely debilitating! My emotions are also a rollercoaster. Anytime I see something cute or inspiring, I burst into tears." —Ivie C., 21, Rexburg, ID

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"My PMDD manifests in both mental and physical symptoms. From the time I got my period at age 12, I've had extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I'd leak at school through a super maxi pad every class so I'd tie sweatshirts around my waist and have to scrub my clothes when I got home. It was super humiliating. I'd have to take six to eight ibuprofen at a time to deal with cramps, and if I didn't I'd end up on the floor sweating like I had the flu. Sometimes I'd even throw up. This meant I ended up spending a lot of time sick in bathrooms and knew where every restroom was at all times. Birth control helped manage the PMDD and other issues, but as soon as I was done having kids, I had a hysterectomy. That was the best thing I've ever done." —Mandy P., 39, Mendon, UT

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19972132/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder/

#premenstrual dysphoric disorder #PMDD #pmdd awareness #living with pmdd #actually pmdd #mental health awareness #mental health #women's health #pms #premenstrual syndrome #afab problems

[makeste]

Are there any headcanons that you would like to share? About anything you want.

anon in the absence of specific guidelines I have managed to make this post pretty much entirely about Bakugou. I apologize if you really wanted to know all of my headcanons about Kouda or something lol. but all joking aside he really is the character I think about the most and so probably like 80% of my headcanons are about him, including close to 100% of the headcanons I actually have a solid enough grip on to put into words. anyway here goes.

he does not know how to tie a tie. he was a rowdy little free range knee-scraping grass-staining run-don’t-walk child whose parents only ever managed to wrestle him into formal attire a handful of times for special occasions when he was younger, and then he went to a middle school that used gakuran-style uniforms so he never learned then, either. his dad offered to teach him when U.A. rolled around, but he was all, “fuck off dad, I know how to tie a stupid tie,” because by that time he had grown into a cocky little brat confident in his own skill and naive as to the reality checks of the world, and he genuinely believed with the conviction that only a fifteen-year-old can muster that when the time came he would just magically know how to do it. on the first day of school he got as far as draping the loose tie over his neck and holding one end in each hand before staring at the mirror and abruptly realizing the hole he’d dug himself into. and so rather than admit defeat, he just straight up decided not to wear it. which became a permanent life choice once he got to school and saw how badly Deku’s tie was tied and realized there was no way he could ever risk that kind of humiliation.

in a similar vein, I know there’s a popular fanon that because of his parents’ influence Katsuki has a good sense of fashion, but my own personal headcanon is that this could not be further from the truth lol. it’s not that he has a terrible sense of style, mind you; it’s just that he doesn’t care about it at all. he’s a nerdy jock who spends all his free time studying and lifting weights. this kid literally only wears one color, and that color just so happens to be the easiest possible color to coordinate. he owns like three pairs of shoes max. he wears his pants three sizes up and they drag so much that the hems are all frayed from him constantly stepping on them (literally canon, and one of my favorite details from chapter 218). he just doesn’t give a fuck, so long as the clothes are comfortable and don’t look stupid. he has about a million things he’s more concerned about than what he or anyone else is wearing. in fact I’m 90% sure that his mom still buys most of his clothes, and about 70% convinced he does not even know what size he is.

he’s good at household chores (because he’s good at everything), but hates doing them. aside from cooking, which he enjoys, he will bitch and whine nonstop if forced to do tedious-yet-necessary things like washing dishes and folding laundry. that said, he is a perfectionist, and he also has a lot of experience because his mom made him do chores all the time during the seven trillion times he was grounded while growing up (that’s his estimate, btw, so it may be slightly exaggerated. he was not an easy kid to raise. when your kid’s fuse is about a millimeter long and he has a tendency to literally blow up whenever he throws a fit, you end up with a lot of objects in your house that have been replaced at some point), so if you do actually manage to get him to do the chore, rest assured that chore is getting fucking DONE.

when he was very little he watched an Avengers Endgame-style All Might film where a bunch of bad guys attacked earth and various assorted heroes tried and failed to stop them. then at the climax of the film, All Might showed up and said “I am here”, and everyone got super pumped up and excited because they knew the heroes were going to win with All Might on their side. this scene remains Katsuki’s favorite scene in anything. not the fight -- just the moment where All Might shows up and grins and the audience knows right there and then that he’s going to win. this is the feeling that inspired his dream. he wants to be the one who shows up and everyone is like, “we’re good now; Katsuki is here.”

when he was six or seven he got into a big fight with an older boy over that scene because he said it was fake and that there was no way All Might could have beaten those guys in real life. Katsuki insisted he definitely would have because All Might never loses. the other boy replied that everyone loses sometimes. Katsuki kicked his ass and got suspended for a week.

ten years later, Katsuki watched All Might battle All for One at Kamino and realized two things. one, that the other boy was right and that anyone can lose. and two, that he, the one who had so proudly defended All Might back then, was going to end up being the reason why he finally lost.

for a long time afterwards, he couldn’t bring himself to watch that movie again.

when he and Izuku were three years old their moms sent them out on a first errand (google Hajimete no Otsukai if you’re unfamiliar with this tradition, I promise you it is the cutest fucking thing you’ll ever see) to buy ingredients for katsudon. Izuku was full of bouncy childish enthusiasm and could rattle off the full shopping list of ingredients front to back, but when the moment finally came his confidence wilted as soon as their parents were out of sight. Katsuki also had a moment of panic when they first rounded the corner and he couldn’t see his house anymore, but rallied once Izuku burst into tears and he realized that he had to be the one to take charge. he proceeded to morph into an absurdly over-the-top caricature of his own mother for the duration of the errand, to the point where in addition to telling Izuku to stop crying he also ordered him to stand up straight and tuck in his shirt. the two of them went on to complete the errand flawlessly and their moms were PROUD AS FUCK and took a billion pictures. Izuku and Katsuki have only a few scattered memories of this milestone in the present day but it’s enough to send both of them absolutely reeling with embarrassment whenever they’re reminded of it.

he and his mom don’t often get along but sometimes they’ll bond over roasting a mutual target. they have watched many a trashy reality TV show together for this purpose. Masaru lives for these moments but never comments on them lest he spoil the rare moments of peace.

Katsuki is perfectly capable of using keigo (i.e. normal polite Japanese with no rude language/cursing), otherwise he would not be one of the top students in his ivy-league high school. code-switching is a thing guys! anyways his teachers are aware of this, because all of his essays and homework assignments are written normally. he merely chooses to go about his daily business acting like a wannabe yakuza stereotype because that’s just his personality, and he’s not about to start censoring himself and acting like some weird little goody two shoes robot person just to please people he mostly doesn’t give two shits about. but if you put a gun to his head and told him you’d pull the trigger if he said “fuck”, he would probably be all right; he’d just have to concentrate.

when he was little he went through a phase of collecting cicada shells and leaving them EVERYWHERE -- in the bathroom sink, on his mom’s pillow, you name it. Mitsuki often tells people this is when she started getting gray hairs. one time she opened a box of cereal and there was one in there and a little bit of her soul died that day.

he generally doesn’t care who calls him Kacchan. it doesn’t particularly bother him and it never occurred to him to pretend like it did just for appearance’s sake. also secretly for some reason the thought of Deku ever calling him anything else really bothers him. he’s not sure what it would mean if that ever happened, or what he would do.

all of his workouts are designed to strengthen his arms and back and shoulders because those are the parts of his body that take the most abuse from his quirk. other than that he avoids building up excess muscle anywhere else because the more weight he puts on the harder it is to fly around. for this reason he is never going to end up being a big bulky guy like All Might. one day Deku is going to surpass him in muscle, but he doesn’t care because he’ll still be a match for him in firepower and speed.

he’s one of those kids who will not so much as take a sip of alcohol until he’s twenty-five. partly because he’s experienced enough concussions that he doesn’t particularly want to give hangovers a try, and partly because he’s a control freak and honestly afraid of getting drunk and making an idiot of himself somehow. the rowdier members of class A try virtually every trick in their wheelhouse and then some to try and persuade him over the years, but not even the reverse psychology “aw, don’t worry, it’s okay if you’re... scared :)” thing works, because that’s only actually effective when he secretly wants to do the thing.

then one day he just wakes up and is all “you know what, I’m gonna try it”, and for the next few days his google history is basically just “how many drinks does it take to get drunk” and “how to avoid getting drunk” and “how to prevent hangovers.” somehow word gets out through the grapevine (he probably told Todoroki, who is the one person in class A you’d think wouldn’t be a big ol’ gossip but in fact IS) that Bakugou is finally going to get his drink on that weekend, and pretty much EVERYONE shows up at the izakaya that Friday night excited as FUCK.

Katsuki proceeds to drink a grand total of two beers over the span of several hours, and drinks like five glasses of water in between, and literally nothing happens to him at all except that Kaminari almost fights him out of frustration. the rest of class A never fully gets over their disappointment.

he actually knows like 90% of class 1-A’s names by this point. there are still a few people he doesn’t and will never know, though. twenty years from now Aoyama will still be “that weird fucking french kid” in his mind.

he had no idea who Eri was until the Christmas party. sometimes he’d hear the other kids talking about someone named Eri, and from context clues he somehow ended up thinking it was one of Aizawa’s cats. when Eri came to the party he had a brief moment of curiosity wondering if she was Sensei’s niece or something, and then he heard someone say her name and he was all “THAT’S ERI?!” and his entire worldview was briefly shaken up.

he pulled Kirishima aside to ask him and Kirishima basically gave him Eri’s whole entire life story which was way more than he actually wanted to know. he’s now kind of terrified of ever being in the same room as her for fear of having to interact with her because he’s pretty sure he’d do or say the wrong thing. most of the time being intimidating is something he strives for and puts a lot of effort into, including when he’s around kids (who are basically just smaller, sloppier adults in his mind), but he doesn’t want to be the guy who scared an abused kid, so he basically just hopes the others will have enough common sense not to ever go “oh hey you know who should totally interact with each other?? Eri and Bakugou!”

that being said, if circumstances ever arose which forced Katsuki to protect Eri, the two of them would totally bond and they would have a really sweet relationship in which Eri looked up to him just like she looks up to Deku and Mirio and the rest, and where Katsuki was constantly trying to be on his best behavior around her, like genuinely, sincerely trying, and kind of failing at it a lot but still being sweet in a gruff sort of restrained-disaster way.

...and after sitting there for a while trying to think of more I couldn’t come up with any so I guess that’s it! basically most of my headcanons are about how secretly boring Katsuki is. honestly if it weren’t for him having the vocabulary of a 52-year-old sailor whose foot was caught in a bear trap, he and Iida would probably be best friends.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bakugou katsuki #bnha meta #bakugou meta #bnha headcanons #don't think there're any spoilers here except for the detail about his pants in 219 lol #sorry if I have spoiled anyone for that #makeste reads bnha #asks #anon asks #long post #oh whoops it was actually 218 my bad just edited #wait a second the christmas party is spoilers isn't it lol whoops #bnha spoilers #there we go

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

Now This Story Has Some More You'll Hear It All At The Candy Store Fic

Hi everyone! So I finally have some writing for everyone, I know that it's been nearly a month since I've last posted something that I wrote. I love writing but if I get depressed then I can't write anymore. But now that I started taking more time for me the ideas that I've been having are actually being finished for once! This idea came to me last weekend when I decided that I wanted to get caught up on Owl House. The moment that I met Hunter I was a goner. I knew that I was screwed when I heard his "BYE" in the first episode. So I welcome you to my newest poly ship between my OC, Edric, and Hunter!

“So before you go in there Ken, there’s something you should know.” Luz mentioned right as we were passing the woods to get to the Owl House.

“What’s that? Did King leave another disaster that we have to clean up before we can actually start the club meeting?” The girl laughed a little bit rubbing the back of her neck. I could tell that this was something that she had put off telling me about.

“Not exactly as far as I know anyways. It’s that Eda’s adopted another kid, he was the golden guard.” My eyes widened and I instantly looked around to make sure that it was just the two of us here.

“Are you sure that he’s… that?” She nodded her head a little bit nervously. I sighed a little bit, wondering what kind of scheme was clearly going on inside the other teens head and if he would cause harm to the human girl.

“He’s a good person though. I can tell, he’s basically kinda become like my brother. I was an only child back home so I never got to really have any siblings. I was lonely a lot of the time since everyone I knew had somebody to talk to. But me, I had nobody.” My heart broke for the human girl that had fallen into basically my younger sister’s lap.

“I understand I think. I always had Kendra and Kelvin. When I wasn’t with them I had Ed and Em. I always had somebody around to keep me company. I’m sorry that I was so judgmental. It’s just that I’m worried. This is the nephew of the Emperor’s Coven. I hope Eda knows what she’s doing.” Luz just smiled softly at me.

“Trust me I can just tell that he isn’t a threat. He wants to have a better life a real family. The Emperor surprising to no one is a really shit dad.” I laughed at Luz loosening my hold on my satchel that was around my waist.

“Does Amity know about this?” She nodded her head with a small laugh thinking about her girlfriend and the brother that had come into her life.

“She does that’s why she isn’t walking with us. She got a free period this afternoon and wanted to go to the house before we did. How did your big illusion presentation go today?” I opened my cloak to show her the being that I created using my magic to show her a purple dragon baby with a pink belly and orange horns, wings, spikes and talons on his feet.

“That’s amazing!! You’re really, really talented at what you do Ken!!” She encouraged me and I felt a bright pink flush come over my cheeks.

“Anyone could have done it if they just put their mind to it. Edric and Emira just mainly use magic to goof off but I’ve always taken it way too seriously. I love my boyfriend but… damn he’s an idiot.” Luz just laughed at me lightly nudging my shoulder.

“I’m sure that Amity has the same thoughts about me sometimes. That awkward moment when you realize you have a soft spot for goofball idiots that can’t not create chaos. That’s another reason why I think you’re really going to like Hunter.” For some reason the idea of meeting Luz’s brother now made me really nervous. The same nervous that I used to get when I had to be around Edric for any length of time when I was pining after him.

“Well I’m sure that I will too…” I saw the house in front of me and when Luz opened the door I was instantly caught in a hug attack from King.

“Kenny!!” I hugged the demon pup close to me with a small laugh as I saw magenta eyes out of the corner of mine.

“Sorry! He got away from me, I was watching him with Amity but as soon as he heard your voice he started running for the door at notch twelve.” Oh hex. This is not going to end well for me. A boy with fair skin, a gap between his teeth, scars on his ear and his cheeks, dark circles under his eyes due to a serious lack of sleep, and ash blonde hair in an undercut. Tell me that this isn’t Hunter Luz, tell me he’s just some rando that was here to get help from Eda.

“Hunter? Did King find Kenny?” I saw Amity standing in the doorway with a small smile on her face as she saw my current predicament.

“It would appear to be that way, I’m Hunter. I’m.. staying here for a while.” He rubbed the back of his neck a little bit awkwardly and I looked at him with a small understanding smile.

“I’m Kenneth, I go to the same school as Luz and Amity.” I introduced myself to him and I saw his small smile.

“You make illusions? Can I see one?” I nodded my head with a small smile summoning Figment again and bringing the dragon back.

"I made him myself! He got me an A on my assignment from earlier. Ed and Em pulled another prank on the teacher and got in trouble for that. When my boyfriend starts taking magic seriously give me a call. It would be really helpful.” I whined a little bit and Amity just laughed at me giving me a hand while King was continuing to cling to my side.

“He’s been having one of his more touchy days he was curled up between us while I was painting his nails.” I heard King mutter something optimal cuddles that made my heart melt. I looked down and saw the painted nails of the boy across from me.

“That’s fine, I get it I can deal with it. It’s like having one of my younger siblings not wanting to leave me alone so I can bake or get something done.” I shrugged it off like it was nothing pressing a gentle kiss to the forehead of my best friend.

“How long have you known your boyfriend?” Hunter asked and I turned to focus on him with a small smile on my face pushing a lock of hair behind my ear.

“My boyfriend is Edric! I’ve known him since I was five years old and he’s one of the best things that ever happened to me. He’s one of the goofiest yet at the same time most exhausting people I’ve ever met. I say that with the utmost love.” Luz put her backpack down and saw her brother’s face fall a little bit when she nudged his shoulder.

“You good bro?” He nodded his head with a weak smile that reminded me so much of Edric when he was trying to pretend that he was okay when in reality he was the exact opposite.

“Don’t worry about me Luz the Goose. I’ll just be in my room I guess. Have fun at your meeting.” He turned and went up the stairs to his bedroom and I looked down at King.

“Did I say something wrong?” I asked Luz and she just sighed a little bit running a hand through her brown hair.

“I don’t think so. He is still adjusting and sometimes he’s just needing quiet time to himself. He doesn’t have any magic. It just… never came. So maybe either seeing you make Figment or you talking about how you met Edric at such a young age got to him.” So it was my fault. I put King onto the floor lightly getting down on his level.

“Can you tell me which your brother’s room is?” I asked the small puppy and he nodded his head scampering up the stairs.

“At first when he got here I was hesitant. Mostly because I was always the only boy around here. But I rather like Hunter. He’s a good kid really smart. I know that he cares about Luz and Eda even though he’s still calling her Miss Owl Lady. He’s been through a lot that much is clear. He goes to therapy twice a week for PTSD at Eda’s encouragement. He’s only been here for a little over a month. It’s why Luz hasn’t wanted to hold the book club meetings here.” My heart broke for the boy that was clearly just trying to keep his head above the water. I saw the door with his name on it and I sat next to it. “I’m not going to come in if you don’t want me to. I know that you’ve been through a lot and you don’t have to tell some stranger about it. I wouldn’t ask that of you anyway. I’m sorry that you were born without magic. I can’t even imagine what that life must be like for you. In a world where magic is everything to not have it that’s got to be the worst feeling in the entire world. I just wanted to apologize because it felt like I said something that was wrong.” I apologized to the boy that was inside of his room and I heard him sit down next to the front door to his bedroom.

“It wasn’t your fault. I never really had friends or knew people my own age. I guess hearing you talk about knowing your boyfriend for so long made me think about how lonely my life has been so far.” I sighed a little bit hitting myself in the forehead.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid, I’m an idiot. Look I’m really, really sorry Hunter. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about your childhood. That wasn’t your fault because the Emperor is a coldhearted dick. You have a family now right? You like being at the Owl House?” I heard a soft but watery laugh that made me tear up with a sad smile.

“I do. It’s just that sometimes I wonder when I’ll get thrown out of here too. I’ve already been thrown out of one home it’s only a matter of time before it happens again.” The sound that left me was somewhere between a broken sob and a cry of utter sorrow.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. I can’t even imagine what that was like for you. I’m sorry that I brought up my relationship with my boyfriend. If it makes you feel any better I won’t talk about it around you.” The door opened behind me unexpectedly and I fell backwards hitting my head on the hard floor that was behind me.

“Ow! I’m fine, I’m good nobody needs to panic.” I rubbed the back of my neck with a small smile on my face as Hunter looked at me.

“I am so sorry! I didn’t know that you were sitting literally right there!” He apologized frantically and I just laughed a little bit.

“I’m fine, you’d be surprised by how often that happens to me. I’m really klutzy. Let’s start over yeah? I’m Kenneth Krantz, it’s nice to meet you Hunter.” I introduced myself to my new friend that was kneeling across from me.

“I’m Hunter Clawhorn still getting a bit used to the last name. This is my paladin.” I looked at the bird that was on his shoulder that chirped and nuzzled against his master’s cheek.

“That’s adorable! I love that so much. My paladin is probably Figment my dragon that I can make but I haven’t officially decided on that yet. It was just an idea that I had. That was my presentation today I had to summon my own paladin. I thought what better than a fictional dragon who’s idea is to make the world a more creative and imaginative place.” I explained a little bit about what my thoughts were about creating my own paladin.

“I think that would be really cool! I’d love to see if you could actually do it!” He exclaimed and my heart leaped at his enthusiasm towards magic and spontaneously broke because he couldn’t do it himself.

“If you two could stop the flirting we do have a book club meeting to run.” Amity told us from the hallway and I flushed a bright pink.

“We weren’t! I wasn’t! Don’t tell Ed…” I put my cloak hood over my ears tapping my feet against the floor.

“Hey, my brother will understand okay? Hunter, go downstairs I’d like to talk with them for a minute alone.” The boy smiled meekly at me before he picked up King and went down the stairs. Amity sat down on the floor next to me.

“You know that there are some people out there who can love more than one person right? Luz tells me that they’re called polyamorous relationships. Most of the time they are sexual in nature which I know is not your thing but if anybody needs platonic physical affection it’s him. I knew that this would happen if you two ever met. Admit it Ken your type is idiotic goofballs that are super dorky.” I buried my head in my hands feeling the humiliation come over me.

“I always said that Ed would be the only person that I’d ever love. So I don’t know what’s wrong with me right now or why this boy with a gap between his teeth decided to show up and ruin everything that I had going for me…” Amity squeezed my hand with a small smile on her face. She just leaned against my side her lavender hair clashing with my cloak.

“Kenny you’ve always said that because you thought that you’d never meet anybody else. You can still love Edric and Hunter at the same time.” She made the mind blown mime with her brain and I felt tears escape my eyes.

“Or I could just sit back and do absolutely nothing. I’m going with stand back and do nothing and hopefully these feelings can go away.” She sighed a little bit pushing a lock of hair into my ponytail. I untied my hair retying it again.

“Kenny you spent five years not doing anything but pine for my brother. I love you, you’re one of the best things that have ever happened to me other than Luz. You change people for the better. I can’t sit back and watch you torture yourself for no reason. Just talk with my brother.” She entwined our hands lightly thumbing over my hand.

“He’ll hate me for sure though if I tell him and he’ll never trust me again…” Amity just sighed a little bit running a hand through her hair.

“I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I love you both and you make my brother incredibly happy. He’s going to understand and do you know why? Because he flirts with literally everyone. He’s going to find him just as quirky and adorable as you do.” I tapped my feet against the floor knowing the younger girl that was next to me.

“Come downstairs when you feel better.” She kissed my cheek with a sympathetic smile on her face before she left me alone. My phone buzzed with an impending message. The username alone made me groan.

My idiot: I miss you already gorgeous!! I know how much these book meetings mean to you though. I sighed a little bit wondering if this was a weird thing to discuss over text.

Me: Can I ask you something? It would be a lot less awkward for me if I did this over text and I instantly got a response.

My idiot: Of course you can ask me anything!! What’s going on Kenny? I bit my lower lip hard enough to leave an indent as I messaged him back. Me:Luzhasanadoptedbrothernowandhe’ssocuteIcan’tfunctionIstillloveyouIswear I sent the text without even thinking about it and before I could regret anything.

My idiot: Whoa!! Slow down, I didn’t understand any of that it’s going to take me a minute, all I got was Luz and adopted brother. I sighed heavily running a hand through my bright pink hair with a nervous smile on my face.

Me: Luz has a new adopted brother, his name is Hunter, he’s really, really, really cute. I can’t help it he’s just the cutest thing that I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I smiled nervously as my boyfriend sent me a series of question marks.

My idiot: Send me an image!! I summoned what Hunter looked like to my idiot and got a message back in all caps.

My idiot: HOLY HEX THAT IS A 10/10 CUTIE!! Kenny, if don’t flirt with him what are you doing?! I give you full permission if this ends you two kissing. We’ll talk later come by the house once you’re done!! I blinked owlishly at the boy that stole my heart.

Me: So wait a minute, you’re not going to hate me? Break up with me because I can’t keep a normal relationship? I looked down at the living room when I heard a soft laugh that literally lit me up inside. It was the cutest sound that I’d ever heard in my entire life.

My idiot: Babe, this is a “normal” relationship. Every relationship is different. If your relationship entails adding a cute ex-cop to our dynamic who I can totes learn to love than what’s the harm? As long as we’re happy why should anybody else give a rats behind? I couldn’t help the light laugh that left me in sheer disbelief.

Me: You’re right baby. I’m sorry for freaking out on you I was just so scare that you might break up with me over something like this. I love you so much it’s just that this boy… he has me thrown all off my guard. I don’t know what to do around him other than just comfort him. He’s never had friends before. The Emperor kept him from literally everything. I say that we talk about this between us after the meeting. I’ll come over to the mansion. I should really get down there and join everyone. I kinda had an emotional breakdown. I smiled softly. Ed understood and was willing to talk about what this meant for our relationship. I knew that I’d always love my childhood friend but this new arrival I couldn’t help but be drawn into his orbit. I wanted to get to know him, to be his friend. To eventually learn for him to trust me… and then we’d figure everything out from there. I went downstairs with a contented smile on my face seeing the found family curled around the couch.

“Sorry about all of that everyone. I just kinda feel like I was hit by a thunderbolt.” I sat down on the rug that was in front of couch even though there was a spot but it was between Luz and Hunter. I didn’t want to take any chances of doing something that I’d regret later on.

“You don’t want to sit on the couch Kenny?” Eda asked me a small smirk on her face and I looked at the witch that changed everyone’s lives that she came into contact with.

“It would be kinda cramped. I don’t want to cause any problems.” I murmured and she just smiled softly at me ruffling my hair.

“It will be a little bit tight but I don’t mind.” Hunter argued and I felt my heart pick up speed. It wasn’t a feeling that I was used to having with anybody other than Edric.

“Yeah Ken!! There’s plenty of room!!” Luz encouraged taking my arm and nearly shoving me into the seat next to her brother. I flushed a bright pink turning away and looked down at my cloak wishing that I could vanish into it.

“Luz Goose what the hex was that for? Are you okay?” Hunter asked me inspecting for injuries while I could hear the light cackle of laughter. Oh she absolutely did that on purpose. I was not nearly as bad with her and Amity when they were just friends. I’ll get my revenge somehow one of these days.

“I’m fine thank you for checking hun.” The pet name accidentally slipped and I covered my mouth a bright pink flush covering my mouth.

“What is my problem?” I muttered to myself pulling at the ends of my hair with a huff of breath curling my arms around my waist.

“Sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with you and you have no problems.” Eda’s voice brought me out of my head and I looked over at the woman that helped me out with finding my confidence.

“Does anybody want snacks?” I quickly changed the subject opening my satchel with a small apprehensive smile on my face.

“Did you bring cookies?!” Luz asked me excitedly and I handed her the individual bag of cookies that had her name on them.

“Everyone has individual favorite flavors but I didn’t know yours. Do you like chocolate chip?” I asked the boy next to me and he nodded his head tentatively.

“I actually have no idea I’ve never tried cookies before…” My heart broke for the boy breaking one of mine in half so that he could try it. Watching his eyes bulge and the sound of surprise leave him made my heart warm and grow three sizes.

“I’m still trying to get him to learn what it means to be a normal teenager. There’s a lot of things that I haven’t gotten around to having him try yet. I love having him around though. He’s picking up glphys a lot faster than I did.” Eda ruffled her son’s hair with a loving smile on her face as Hunter reached into my bag and took his own individual cookie.

“These are the best things that I’ve ever tasted… you’re really amazing Kennth.” My heart started to skip beats and I shook my head animatedly.

“It’s nothing really all that special. It’s just baking and following a recipe. My parents run a human bakery where they sell all sorts of things that they have in the human realm. I work there part time when I don’t have club meetings.” I got out the book from my satchel well worn after many years of use. I had read this book so many times when I was growing up.

“Can I share yours? I still need to get my hands on a copy. Luz lended me some of her’s but I want to collect them all. I’m a bit of a nerd about magic.” He rubbed the back of his neck and I nodded my head opening my book while he leaned over my shoulder. If he leaned a little bit closer he’d be pressing against my cheek. If I could have another gay panic that wasn’t slow dancing with Ed I would have another one right here.

“How are you doing over there Kenny?” I glared half heartedly at Amity mouthing that she was dead to me.

“I’m fine.” I lied lightly trying to just get through this two hour meeting so that I could talk with my boyfriend about how this would all go. I didn’t know I’d get through this without knowing if it was okay for me to flirt with the magenta eyed boy.

“You look about as fine as I did when I was pinning for Luz.” I kicked her foot harshly hoping that she would drop the subject.

“Not another word Amity, not one more word or I swear I won’t talk to you for a day.” I threatened lightly and heard Hunter’s light chuckle.

“That sounds like my threats to Luz when I can’t think of anything else.” My heart positively melted when I heard his light chuckle. I fell in love with Edric when I first heard him laugh once I got old enough. Hearing somebody laugh was how I knew where they would fit into my life. Actually being able to hear Hunter’s was how I knew that I was positively screwed. There was no getting out of this situation.

“I know I’ve had a day cut me some slack. If I had a better day then I’d be more threatening. And here I thought that I was the smooth talker of the three of us only to turn into a flustered awkward mess…” I muttered picking at a thread on my uniform even though my mom always lectured me when she saw me doing it because I could tear a hole in it.

“Smooth talker?” He asked curiously and Amity put her legs across her girlfriend’s lap with a relaxed smile.

“That’s their role with my siblings. Since they often get into trouble they needed to be the one who got them out of trouble. That was their job. They learned to get over their social awkwardness and became stronger because of it.” My heart warmed as Amity bragged about how usually smooth I was until you put me next to a cute boy by force just about.

“How were you able to get over something like that?” Hunter questioned curiosity burning in his magenta eyes and I couldn’t not answer him.

“It wasn’t easy I can tell you that much. Basically what happened was I finally learned to stand up for myself for one thing. I’ve always been good at telling a story and once I found my sexuality and my gender identity I became a lot more confident in my abilities. I used my intelligence to get us out of quick situations.” My new friend finally settled against me with a small smile on his face. Luz lightly nudged my arm and mouthed touch starved.

“Shut it Goose you’re the one who introduced me to platonic touch. Are you okay with this?” I nodded my head with a small smile on my face my blush finally going away.

“I’m fine with it. Thank you for asking though.” I thanked him before finally clearing my throat and flipping to the page where we left off our last meeting.

“Have you read this one?” I asked the boy that was now settled against me and looking over my shoulder at the book.

“It was the last one that I just finished. It’s where she has to fight the sultan snake right?” I nodded my head. This had been one of my favorite books, Azura and The Magic Lamp. Ever since I was a kid it brought me right into the action and the adventure.

“That’s right! But that isn’t until the very end so spoilers geez!” I lightly teased and he just laughed at me. It was the first time that I heard his actual laugh and not his quiet little chuckle. I also couldn’t help but find his gentle teasing nickname of calling his sister a Goose one of the cutest things ever.

“Oh I’m so sorry that I’ve spoiled a book that knowing the three of you, you’ve read twenty times already.” Ohh cutie adorable has an attitude problem… not going to lie that makes me even more attached to him.

“This part is good.” He mentioned off handedly and I cleared my throat before I started reading the fairy tale that I had grown up reading.

“As Azura rubbed the lamp that laid in her hands after feeling her most betrayed and left for dead at the bottom of the cave a sudden puff of pink smoke erupted from the lamp…” Reading aloud had always been one of my favorite things. Seeing Hunter finally relax against my shoulder and all the tension left him and just left him with a soft smile as I read the pages aloud.

“And that’s the chapter for today.” I closed my book and Hunter whined plaintively that I had stopped reading my book.

“One more?” He begged and I couldn’t help but feel my heart warm a little bit at the look on his face. He was just so innocent and pure. How anybody could hurt a face that looked at them like that and decide that they want to stab them in the back amazed me. I will protect him. I have the ability to protect others and I’m going fight to keep him safe. Not that I think he needs my help or anything he can take care of himself. He did for many years. It’s just that he wasn’t alone anymore he had friends and a family now. No matter what happened between us even if he didn’t ever want to be anything more than friends with me.

“Sorry Hunter we only do one chapter per meeting. It’s what we’ve always done because most of the time Luz gets distracted.” The human in question whined and kicked her legs back and forth against the couch.

“It’s not my fault blame my stupid ADHD.” Her brother just laughed a little bit at her getting off my shoulder. I instantly missed the warmth of his weight there and just wanted to pull him back to where he had been originally sitting.

“Do you have any mental health problems Kenneth?” I shrugged my shoulders toying with a lock of pink hair that was on my head.

“I probably do. I’ve honestly never really thought that much about it. I don’t need help or anything like that. I mean maybe I have aspergers but I’ve always been able to make friends since I came out of my own shell. I probably had it a lot worse when I was younger. What about you?” I asked him carefully and he just sighed a little bit.

“Other than PTSD from having to deal with you know the Emperor being my father figure and all that fun stuff I’m pretty much normal.” Luz squeezed his hand reaching over my lap to hold her brother’s hand with a small smile on her face.

“You’re getting better though Hunty. Your nightmares are still prevalent but they’re probably going to stay that way for a while.” My heart broke at the idea of this poor thing waking up screaming from a nightmare.

“I’m sorry for asking…” I apologized and the boy just shook his head. I could see all the pain from years of isolation from the rest of society written all over his face.

“It’s not your fault you were just curious if there was anything else. Besides King probably already told you so it’s not some big surprise. I love him but he’s a blabber mouth.” I laughed a little bit at the idea of the demon puppy being a blabber mouth because it was true. I looked over at the television seeing a copy of Mulan over the top of it.

“Mulan is one of my favorite Disney movies. I have a soft spot for Sleeping Beauty. I know it’s trash and not the best out there but it’s the one that I grew up watching the most. I love the atmosphere and the artistry the most. It’s so pretty.” I talked about my favorite animated film from the company on Luz’s world that tried their best to bring the world of magic into their world.

“I haven’t seen that one yet. I’m still trying to get through the popular ones. I just watched that one last night it was really amazing. It was probably my favorite that I’ve seen so far. Do you watch a lot of them?” I shook my head with a small laugh at the thought of my movie night’s with Ed and Em. It was mostly just with Ed now because Emira couldn’t be around us for too long without fake gagging. “I love both cheesy horror movies and the real psychological ones. Most of the time that’s what I pick to watch when I have movie nights with my boyfriend.” I looked to my left only to find that Luz and Amity had dipped.

“We didn’t want to listen to you two flirt!!” I blushed a bright pink looking down at my periwinkle uniform that I was wearing.

“Like you two are any better you’re almost nauseating to be around!” Hunter shot back at his younger sister and I couldn’t help but laugh at the two of them.

“It must have been a big change for you. Going from not having anyone to having Luz basically being like you’re my brother now deal with it mentality.” He laughed a little bit and I put that into my recorder so that I could replay it later on.

“It was a lot for a while. I’m still working on feeling comfortable around here because it’s just so loud. It was all but silent in the castle. That’s probably why I became so loud. I wanted to stand out in that environment so I adopted the persona of Golden Guard. This fake aura of confidence like my whole life was fine when in reality it was hell. He tried to make me get rid of my paladin. That’s when I finally left because I wanted to learn wild magic. I was always fascinated by it. Funny the kid with no magic fascinated with the wildest kind of magic that’s out there in the world.” I listened to my new friend rant about his childhood. He was so kind that it hurt my heart how people had treated him.

“Well you can come to the bakery whenever you want if you want a break from all of this. I can’t promise that it’ll be quieter and my younger siblings might ask you a lot of questions. I have fraternal twin younger siblings, Kendra and Kelvin. All of us have K names I don’t know why specifically that letter won my parents over but it’s what did.” I offered him the out to come to where I worked part time not even thinking about how embarrassing my parents would be. I would have to sit them down and explain to them everything that I talked with Ed. Hopefully they understood what I was talking about and would still accept me. It would be my third time coming out about something to them. It was almost becoming a running joke. It had been three years since the last time that I came out to them and six years since the first time we talked about the fact that I was probably gay.

“I’d really enjoy that. Plus if there are more sweets like those delicious cookies that you brought with you then I might have a new favorite place to study when I want some quiet. Sorry that you only got one of them.” He apologized gesturing to the bag of cookies that I had brought for me. I couldn’t help but laugh and shake my head at him.

“It’s no big deal Hunter, I didn’t know that you were here. Luz told me right before we reached the Owl House. I love her I really do but she needs to work on her bringing about bad news. After she told me I was a little bit worried. I mean, the Golden Guard. But you’re nothing like what I had expected you to be.” I mentioned to him and he just looked at me his eyes big with a small nervous smile on his face, like he would get shut down at any moment.

“Really?” I nodded my head. I sat up on the couch putting my book into my satchel. The sooner I went to talk to my boyfriend the better so we could set up some ground rules as to how this all would go.

“Really. I want to spend more time with you believe me I do but I want to talk to Ed about something kind of important. Did Eda give you a cell phone?” He nodded his head writing down his phone number on a corner of notebook paper. I looked at the number seeing adorably dorky little hearts on it.

“I hope that you come by the bakery sometime. Just ignore anything that my parents tell you. They can be really, really embarrassing.” I rubbed the back of my head a little bit putting the note into my pocket and putting the cell number into my phone next to a golden heart.

“I think that’s most parents that raised their kids. They know everything about them so that’s why they can be so humiliating. Eda is already definitely becoming the embarrassing parent the more she learns about me.” I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit at Eda’s I heard that you little punk from the kitchen. I finally got off the comfortable couch.

“It was great meeting you Hunter. I’ll text you for sure.” My new friend smiled softly nodding his head a soft glimmer of hope in his magenta eyes.

“I look forward to it.” I smiled softly before turning around and with a heavy heart leaving the boy on the couch. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw Amity and Luz holding hands and going over homework together.

“I’m going back to your place Amity. Want me to cover for you?” I asked the teen and she just nodded her head with a faint glimmer of a smile.

“You got it! Consider yourself covered. I’ll se you both at school tomorrow. Bye Eda! Thank you for having me again.” I thanked the Owl Lady before I left the house waving to Hooty and ignoring the calls that he yelled at me. The walk from the Owl House to the Blight mansion wasn’t actually that long but I saw the car that was sitting in the driveway.

“Guess we’re going the back way today.” I twirled the key that was around my neck as I crept quietly behind the house so as to not draw the attention of Odalia Blight.

“Kenny!!” Em whisper yelled from her bedroom and I looked up at my best friend waving to her. I walked carefully over to her bedroom.

“What’s up? Why are the parentals home?” I whispered back to her and she just sighed heavily running a hand through sea green hair.

“They found out that Ed and I got sent to the principals office again today. So we’re under strict surveillance right now. Did you want to talk to him about something? There’s an abomination at the back door so I’ll help you get in if you want to talk to him about something if it’s critical.” I nodded my head climbing the tree next to my best friend’s window and she offered me a hand inside.

“There we go, good job Kenny!!” She whispered encouragingly and I saw the divider that led to her brother’s side of the room.

“Gorgeous!!” He accidentally said a little bit too loudly before he pulled me into his arms while Emira stood guard at the front door of their bedroom.

“How did book club go?” Ed asked me leading me around his piles of filth and dirty dishes that were in his bedroom.

“It went fine. Luz did something really embarrassing I think that the teens are definitely onto something. Especially Amity I think after five years of watching me pine for you she knows what my expression of smitten looks like. Luz shoved me next to Hunter.” As I told him the story about what had happened earlier that afternoon at the club meeting he just laughed at me.

“I’m sorry that happened to you Kenny but hey it all worked out alright? Did he seem interested in you? Did you tell him about me? More important what did you tell him about me?” He started asking me rapid-fire question a million miles an hour and I couldn’t help but overwhelmed.

“Ed hex don’t overcrowd them, they’ve obviously had a rough meeting if they had to deal with a cute boy. You know how they get when they’re around a cute boy.” I wanted to ask her what she was insinuating with that sentence but I knew what she meant. All my natural smooth talking went right out the window whenever I encountered a cute boy.

“He did seem a little bit interested I think? He’s going to need some time though and you’re going to have to give it to him Ed. I just want to be his friend for right now. He needs a friend. The Emperor in all his assholery kept him isolated from the rest of society so he’s never had any real friends before. He doodled hearts next to his phone number on the notebook paper.” I smiled softly pulling out the notebook paper that the boy had drawn on. Edric picked up the piece of paper and plugged it into his phone.

“Hey don’t you dare Ed, listen to me don’t you dare okay? We have to give him time to adjust to this sort of thing. I don’t even know what this is so I don’t want you talking to him. Not until I’ve figured out for myself what I want. It might have just been a fluke as to what I felt for him today.” Ed gave me a look of outright suspicion.

“Did you save his laugh so that you can replay it in the future?” I blushed a bright pink burying my face into his shoulder with a small whimper.

“Maybe? Is that creepy?” I asked him curiously and my boyfriend just laughed at me a little bit. He thumbed over the sides of my cloak.

“I don’t think so since mimicking voices and faces is a huge part of your magic. You need to have it as part of your arsenal but I’d like to hear it anyways.” I summoned the laugh that had lit me up from the inside that I had heard earlier.

“Why won’t you let me text him?” He whined a little bit and I toyed with the ends of his sea foam green hair.

“Because you’ll just openly flirt with him and it’ll scare him away. I don’t want to say that he’s fragile because he isn’t. It’s more like you can be super intense with your feelings and you tend to throw all caution to the wind and just do whatever you’re feeling anyways. I know that you want to help me with this recent development but you are just going to have to trust me. I’ve loved you since I was ten. I thought that I would only ever love you. Only to find out that I was totally wrong.” I rested my head against my long time love’s chest and he just lifted my chin making me look into his golden eyes.

“You know that’s okay right? To love more than one person at one time? That there isn’t ethically wrong with it? It’s just society thinks that it’s wrong because people are only supposed to have one according to their skewed logic.” My boyfriend reasoned and I felt tears come to my eyes when he kissed my forehead, cheeks, nose and then me gently.

“Thank you for understanding Ed. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I know that I want to spend more time getting to know him. He’s a good person I can just tell.” Ed just sighed a little bit running his hands through my hair.

“I know that you have an excellent judge of character sweetheart and I know that you can do whatever you need to. Do you think that he’d like me?” I cradled the cheeks of my idiot for a boyfriend laughing a little bit.

“He’d have to be stupid to say no sweetheart. Trust me I know that he’s going to agree to date us I just want to be there for him as a friend until either he comes to me or I decide what exactly this is.” He just huffed a little bit crossing his arms over his chest. I melted into the affection until I heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Hex, Kenny you’ve got to go!! If mom finds you here I don’t know what will happen but it won’t be pretty.” I kissed my boyfriend one more time squeezing his hand softly. I got out of his bed and he just waved to me when I went down the side of the mansion.

“I love you gorgeous.” I smiled softly at him blowing him a kiss as I ran off of their property. I picked up my headphones that Luz had given to me for tuning out the rest of the world. I had fallen in love with the sound of older music, especially Elvis and Johnny Cash.

“Kenneth!” My mom called out to me from inside of the bakery and I put my headphones around my neck with a small smile on my face.

“You’re just in time! I was starting to get worried, did you stop somewhere else on the way home from the Owl House?” I nodded my head taking off my cloak and putting on my apron and my work clothes. I heard the familiar sounds of Ballad Of A Teenage Queen coming from the speakers of our small establishment.

“I stopped at Ed’s sorry mom I had to talk to him about something really important.” I tied my apron into a bow around my back and she just smiled softly at me.

“Was it really or did you just want to sneak away to make out with your boyfriend?” My face turned a bright pink and I got out the big bowl that I usually used to make my treats.

“Mom…” I groaned and she just laughed at me openly without shame that I was feeling. She was whipping frosting for my double chocolate cupcakes.

“What? Did I say something wrong?” She joked lightly and I just sighed heavily looking deep into the bowl in front of me.

“Mom… did you ever think that you could have feelings for somebody other than dad but still love dad?” She cocked her head confused at me and what I was insinuating. It suddenly dawned on her and she put her hand on my shoulder.

“When I was around your age I thought that I was in love with your aunt Miri.” My eyes widened, of all the times that I had come out this was the first time that I had heard anything about my mom being anything less than a straight edge.

“We dated for a little while actually the three of us. But then we decided that we were better off just friends. She found out that she was more gay than straight and that she was mostly with me and Jared because she wanted to be with me. Shortly after that she met your aunt Claude and things went happily ever after for her. So yes there was a point in time where I dated your father as well as somebody else. Almost a year of the three of us dating. I wanted for it to work out so badly but some people just aren’t meant for a poly relationship. Did something happen when you were at the Owl House today?” I nodded my head thinking about the former Golden Guard with the dorky laugh and obsession with magic.

“Eda adopted another kid, a boy this time around. The former Golden Guard after he found a paladin that he didn’t want to get rid of. His name is Hunter. He’s this kind of dorky magic obsessed all sorts of adorable boy.” I summoned an image of him to show my mom and I watched as her heart melted in front of me.

“Oh sweetheart he’s adorable. I’m sure that you three will be very, very happy together. What’s his paladin’s name?” I laughed a little bit getting out the ingredients that I would need to make my double chocolate cupcakes.

“I didn’t ask him actually. I’ll make sure to ask him the next time that I see him. I told him that he should come here sometime if that’s alright with you mom.” She just kissed my forehead with a small understanding smile on his face.

“My project today actually got me an A! They are letting me use something that isn’t from this world. I think that the magic world is quickly growing become more accepting of people that are different. I think that we have Luz to thank for that.” I summoned my purple dragon and gave him a strawberry that my mom was working with.

“That’s amazing sweetheart! I’m so proud of you baby you’ve been doing so well in school. I for one can’t wait to meet your new friend that you made today. I don’t know how your siblings will handle it. They’re still so young and there’s a lot that they don’t understand about the world around them. I’ll talk to them before he comes here. Remind me to do it tonight.” I nodded my head and saw my dad peak his head into the kitchen where we were.

“Hi Ken!! How was your school day? How did your project go?” I nodded my head with a small smile on my face.

“I got an A on it! I worked really hard to make it as realistic as possible so everyone was impressed when I told them that I carved it myself using my illusions.” I bragged a little bit since I got my magic from my dad. He was always really good at using his illusions to tell stories for the younger twins.

“That’s great, I knew that you could do it!! You worked your tail off on that assignment once you found out that you could do your own fictional creatures for the illusions track. Let met guess, your boyfriend and Em used it as an excuse to pull some big elaborate prank.” I sighed a little bit with a small laugh mixing the wet ingredients together.

“However did you figure that out dad? They got sent to Principal Bump’s office and I wasn’t able to talk him out of it this time. They got suspended for a few days and their parents, mostly their mom, is super mad at them.” My dad just sighed a little bit ruffling my hair with an understanding grimace at the horror of Odalia Blight.

“You know that she doesn’t really hate you love. It’s just that well she’s a wicked person and doesn’t have the speckle of love that most people do. It’s not your fault. You can’t make her love you.” My dad reasoned already knowing that’s what I was upset about.

“Dad that sounded like a she hates me but she also hates everyone mentality. It didn’t really help me.” He just laughed at me lightly cradling my cheek in his palm.

“I know that you want to do what’s best for your boyfriend. But if you keep doing what’s best for him you’ll stop doing what’s best for you. I get that you worry about Ed but he’s alright. He’s still his same goofy self always getting into trouble the whole nine yards. I’d say that at his point you have a right to be selfish just like everybody else does in the world.” He reminded me and I just sighed heavily knowing that he was right. The something that would make me selfish though is really selfish. Why should I want to have another partner when I’m perfectly happy with Edric? Why does Hunter strike me as so unique yet so familiar at the same time?

“Darling if you keep thinking so hard you’re going to pop a blood vessel in your head.” My mom joked lightly hitting my hand with her wooden spoon.

“Sorry mom…” She just turned off her hand mixer and turned so that she could face me. She took my hands in her’s.

“There is nothing for you to be sorry about. I know that it must have been a lot for you to deal with in one day. Going from thinking that you could never love anybody but Edric to finding out that there’s a boy out there that you want to love as well. I don’t think any less of you though sweetheart. It’s not selfish to chase the things you want if Hunter wants them too. That could never be selfish. Love is pure and innocent. It’s the one thing that everyone in the whole world wants collectively and dreams of finding.” I felt tears escape my eyes and she just lightly thumbed over my cheeks with her hand.

“It’s okay to want to be selfish. That’s something that everyone wants in the world. We don’t get to do it a whole lot at least not until we find the person or rather in your case, the people that we want to be with. That can never be wrong not ever. I’m so proud of you Kenneth. My sweet darling child. You’ve come so far just in the last year able to admit your feelings and why you’re feeling them.” The bell rang overhead and I saw Edric slip into the back kitchen.

“How did you escape?” I asked him with a small laugh as he slid into his spot next to my work station where he’d usually keep me company.

“Warden let me off for good behavior.” I rolled my eyes knowing that hadn’t been the case in the slightest and that he’d pulled a trick on her.

“You snuck out of the window didn’t you?” I saw the scratch on his uniform that proved me right and I sighed a little bit.

“I’ll have to mend that now. Why did you sneak out the window Edric?” My boyfriend lightly took my hand kissing it gently.

“Because our time was cut short due to her ranting and raving like a madwoman about how we’re making the wrong choices in life. I don’t care about what she thinks of me. I care about what my partner thinks and what they want to do.” I smiled softly at my boyfriend lightly kissing his mole underneath his eye. I finished the cupcake batter adding it to the individual tins.

“I want to ask Hunter out on a date. Just me though, we work our way up to you. If that’s okay with you anyways.” Ed just sighed dramatically but I could tell that he would say yes after he acted like a drama queen for a few minutes.

“I suppose that I can let my gorgeous partner go on a few dates with a cute guy that isn’t their devilishly handsome boyfriend.” I shook my head at his stereotypical dramatics huffing a breath before putting my cupcakes into the oven.

“You’re devilishly something alright. Maybe devilishly annoying.” He gasped at me loudly shaking my shoulders with his overly enthused nature.

“Am I annoying to you?!” I put my hands on top of his to make him stop shaking me mainly. I squeezed them softly and understandingly.

“Baby no way you are the exact opposite of annoying. I was just messing with you seriously. I love you, you know that right? I would do anything for you. It’s different with Hunter. I want a different relationship with him than I have with you. It’s complicated and I know that it isn’t selfish now.” He shook his head at me resting his forehead against mine.

“Even if you never want me to meet Hunter I know that you’ll still love me. The only reason that I’m not freaking out right now is because it’s you and I trust you. I know you’d never leave me but that fear is still there. That I’ll be all alone one day.” I sighed a little bit putting my arms around him despite me being covered with flour due to work.

“I promise if anything changes I’ll talk to you okay? For right now this is what I want to do. It might change in the future and it might not. I might have two husbands one day and I might have just the one. I don’t know what the future holds for either of us. I know that you both make me happy though. Happier than I’ve ever been with anybody else.” I reminded Ed with an understanding smile and I saw that little bit of doubt melt away.

“Whatever the future holds as long as there’s a spot for me there we’ll be alright. You’re my best friend Ken. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’d probably be stuck with my head inside of a hole at this point. I love you so much Ken.” He reminded me lightly and I nuzzled his nose against my own. Having Ed in my life taught me so much about myself. He taught me about taking risks and what things were worth the danger.

“I love you too Eddie. I know that you’re just doing your best and I’m so proud of you. Even if I have to often talk you out of trouble it seems. Is Em overing for you back at home?” My mom just smiled at the two of us and went out to help my dad at the front of the shop since more kids were coming in after they had finished school for the day.

“She is, I owe her a big favor though. She hasn’t exactly figured out what that favor is going to be yet but I just know that she’s going to make me pay for it. What about you? What are you going to do the next time that you see Hunter?” He asked me and I sighed a little bit leaning my head against his shoulder running a hand through my pink hair.

“Probably just try and not look like the most flustered dumbass to ever flustered dumbass.” Ed just laughed openly at me and I stuck my tongue out at him.

“What if he doesn’t mind the flustered dumbass side of you?” I sighed wistfully at the idea of maybe the cute boy actually liking me despite what a mess I was currently.

“I should hope so. Because as you well know I’m like this around cute boys that flirt way too often. I hate it.” I huffed turning away from my boyfriend and he just lightly cradled my jaw in his hands looking into my violet eyes.

“I wouldn’t change a thing about you Kenny. Even when you are a flustered awkward mess of adorable. That’s simply another part of who you are. You’re the smartest person that I’ve ever met able to run academic laps around me and Em. How you’ve stayed best friends with the two of us nimrods never fails to surprise me. I think that Hunter would be lucky to have you whether that be as a friend or as a boyfriend that’s all up to you. Does that mean that I can finally flirt with other people too?” He winked jokingly at me and I averted my gaze.

“It’s not like I’ve ever stopped you anyways. You’re one of the most flirty people that I’ve ever met in my entire life. I know that you’d not listen to me even if I made that rule. One of these days I’ll introduce you and Hunter. Just let me get comfortable with him first. Then we’ll figure things out from there.” The oven dinged and I saw the cupcakes had risen. I tested them with a toothpick and found that they had perfectly cooked.

“It’s rare that people catch your attention like that right off the bat. I’ve tried to get you interested in other men over the years and you’ve never looked at any of them twice. So what’s so different about him?” My boyfriend went back to his seat his long legs dangling over the edge as I cut the sour belt that I would use around the top of the cupcake.

“I don’t know what’s so different about him okay? Just that something about him intrigues me and makes me interested in him. He’s cute and adorably snarky once you get through his walls. He’s clingy with physical affection because he can’t get enough of it. He grew up without it so when he snuggled against my side after asking if that was okay how could I possibly ever say no? Not when he looked at me with his big magenta eyes that are just the right shade of beautiful. I don’t know how to function around his style of beauty. I really don’t. Like who decided to make him so cute and awkward?” I asked my boyfriend animatedly starting to mend the sour belts to form mermaids tails for our under the sea cupcakes.

“Apparently somebody figured out that you have a soft spot for cute and lovable dorks like me. How long do you think you’re going to be able to last?” I half heartedly glared at my boyfriend. He knew how impatient I was when it came to something that I wanted to get my hands on. And I never wanted to get my hands on something nearly as much as I did with Hunter. You might think that during my pining years for Edric that I would be comfortable in this spot of pining but this was an entirely different beast.

“I haven’t the slightest idea. I’m just trying to stop myself from texting him and asking him on a date right now.” My phone buzzed and my boyfriend typed in his password, the date that we met in preschool.

“It’s from him!!” He showed me my phone and my pink eyebrows scrunched together as I read the message that was written there.

Hunter <3: Is the bakery busy today? I know that we just met today but I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me passing by? I wanted to talk with you more than I was actually able to without Luz the Goose or Calamity sitting around. I laughed lightly at his nicknames for her sister and basically my younger sister at this point.

“If I wasn’t calling her Mittens already I’d be calling her Calamity. That’s actually really smart.” I smiled softly at the thought of how well the two boys in my life would get along. I shook the thought right out of my head.

“Oh god he wants to come here, where I work? I’m not even remotely ready. When I offered him I thought that he’d come in like a week or something not the same day?! Edddddd help me…” I pleaded my boyfriend and he just lightly thumbed over my cheek.

“Hey, you’re going to do just fine sweetheart. I know that you will and I’ll tell you why. Because you’re a gorgeous, intelligent, amazing, kindhearted, naturally gifted wizard that is going to make this Golden Guard their new beau.” Edric encouraged me blustering up my confidence with an understanding smile on his face.

“Alright I can do this, it’s just the cutest boy on the entire planet that I’ve ever met. Other than you but you’re more handsome than cute. This guy is just cute.” He laughed at me settling back into his chair as I typed out a text with my right hand finishing the tails on my sour ropes.

Me: Wow! I didn’t think that you’d come you know today or anything. You can come whenever you’d like! I’ve already done what was one my list for the day. I have this deal with my parents where I’m only allowed to make one of my recipes per day and my mom helped me out on this one. You can taste test them! I hope you like sour belts. They’re super sour we make them in house. They’re delicious though! We sell them in the candy store that we also own next door to the bakery. They came as a package deal. I smiled softly at the idea that my new boy of interest was actually coming to the store today.

“I can’t compete with cute looks wise. I know that you’ve always had a soft spot for the cute ones. Which is why I was surprised when you told me that you felt the same way that I did about you. I didn’t think that you’d ever reciprocate my feelings.” I squeezed my boyfriend’s hand understandingly picking up one of the cupcakes and started to swirl the icing around it.

“He texted back!! He said that he’s never tried sour candy but that you’ve intrigued him. He also said that he can come at another time if you’re busy. Want me to write a response back of my own creation or be you as best I can?” I sighed muttering be the best me that you can while I’m doing this. I just hope that he wouldn’t say anything embarrassing. I swirled the top of the cupcake adding the shimmery dust to the cupcake and finally the crown on the cupcake’s head along with the tail that I made.

“Princess mermaid cupcake number one complete! Only fifty more to go. We can do this, we can do this, we can do this.” I hyped myself up and my best friend cheered for me from his spot as I started getting down to business not letting myself be distracted by the idea that Hunter was on his way from the Owl House.

“Hey gorgeous, can I ask you something?” I nodded my head listening to my boyfriend’s question that he had for me.

“Do you think that Hunter would like me? I mean you’ve known me for most of your life. I just think that I’m catching the feels already and I’m kind of panicking about that right now.” I smeared a little bit of my icing on his nose with my magic.

“Hey!! Actually, hey that’s really good frosting.” I laughed at him as he did the same to me cuing a frosting fight using magic.

“Oh my Titan, he’s on his way oh no I look AWFUL Edric!” I shouted at him and he just rubbed the back of his neck a little bit.

“The frosting is a really pretty color that matches your skin tone really well?” He offered as compensation and I sighed a little bit heavily.

“Why do I let you talk me into doing stupid things like this all of the time? I don’t even know why I listen to half of your ideas. You wasted a good amount of frosting. Now guess who gets to help me with the rest of these. That’s right it’s you.” He helped me ice the rest of them and decorate them as I heard the bell ring in the shop seeing Hunter with his plasmin looking around the shop.

“Oh crap, cute boy alert that’s my cue to go bye good luck, love you gorgeous!!” He encouraged me and I put on an illusion that my face wasn’t covered in flour and frosting from my food fight with my boyfriend. I carried both of the trays outside of the kitchen leaving two of them on plates and cutting up an apple tart for the bird.

“Kenny, there’s a cute boy asking for you out front, goes by the name of Hunter. What does he want?” My dad asked me helping me carry everything out since I was struggling to balance both of them and the plates with everything.

“He’s Luz’s new adopted brother and the newest member of the Bad Girl Coven that Eda started. He just wanted a quiet place to read and study and I recommended the bakery. I didn’t think that he’d come here so soon but I have really no idea what he wants.” I watched as Hunter looked around at all the treats in sheer awe. It was really, really cute.

“Hi! I’ll be right with you I just have to get these all set up. I just finished baking all of these. I have to put them out for display and then I can talk with you.” I explained and I saw my younger sister peak her head into the shop.

“It’s okay Kendra, he’s a friend. You and your brother can come out. This is Hunter, he’s Luz’s new adopted brother. Eda adopted him and now they’re siblings.” I explained to her and she tentatively came out of the side room where she and Kelvin usually played.

“It’s nice to meet you both. I’m Hunter and this little guy is Rascal he’s my paladin.” He introduced himself and my sister looked at the bird that was perched on his shoulder.

“I’m Kelvin! The shy one is my older sister Kendra she doesn’t talk a whole lot to people that she isn’t comfortable with.” My new friend got down to my younger sister’s level with an understanding smile on his face.

“That’s okay. I hope that you know that you don’t have to be like everyone else in order to fit in. You just have to be yourself and somebody will want to be your friend.” He reminded her lightly pushing a lock of hair into her braid.

“That’s what I’ve been telling as well. She’s always been different and loves reading books unlike her brother. Kelvin is the one that we have to keep an eye on since he has the terrific tendency of getting into trouble.” My younger brother just looked a little bit sheepish down at his shoes that he was wearing where they weren’t tied.

“Come here, I’ll show you my trick…” I got down onto my brother’s level with a small smile on my face concentrating on tying his shoes for him.

“You make a loop de loop and pull…” I showed him so that he could do the other one which he did making me smile.

“Good job kiddo!” I supported him and Hunter looked at his shoes with an understanding smile. I got up from the floor balancing the three treats.

“Does Rascal eat food usually?” I offered him and the bird slowly crawled down his arm smelling the apple tart before nibbling at it.

“He likes apples, which I guess makes sense. Now what exactly am I looking at here?” I laughed a little bit showing him my cupcake.

“That is a double chocolate cupcake. It’s basically like two times the chocolate they are the cookies that I make for Amity usually. They’re chocolate cookies with chocolate chips inside of them. The frosting is tye die buttercream that has blue, green, and purple inside of it. Then I top that with a fondant crown, and a sour belt tail around it. We call it the Princess Mermaid cupcake.” I explained all the technicalities of the cupcake that was in front of him. He tentatively unwrapped the cupcake before trying it.

“That’s really good! I actually like the sour flavors a lot. It’s not as god as the cookies that you had with you earlier today but it’s still good.” He encouraged my love of making treats and I felt my heart seize up when he found a smidge of the frosting that landed on his thumb. People should not ever, ever be this cute. It’s hazardous to my health.

“So your paladin, I’ve been meaning to ask, where did you find a baby dragon? They’re really rare at least that’s what I’ve read.” I blushed a bright pink giving my dragon the crown and flew around in small circles.

“Well I made him myself using my magic. I wanted to make something myself that I had full creative freedom over. That our bond could be unique and special because nobody had ever done that before. They had only found ones that were already in existence. I asked Principal Bump and my teacher if that was allowed and they both agreed that they would love to see what I came up with. I named mine Figment. I wanted to do something using my imagination to bring something to life just like I do with my illusions. Except he isn’t an illusion he’s actually tangible. That’s what makes him so special. It took me a lot of trial and error but eventually I was able to give him his own personality and his own special interests.” I explained about my new friend that I had made to the boy across from me who looked at me in awe.

“That is so cool! Oh my titan so you made yours completely out of your own head? Nobody helped you?” I shook my head shrugging my shoulders with a small smile. To me it wasn’t anything nearly that special it was just something that I was passionate about.

“I’ve always been a really creative type of person especially about the things that I know a lot about. I know a lot about my magic, my hobbies mostly baking and sewing, and I’m super into animation. I’ve always been fascinated how you can create something like that and bring it to life. I found my first Disney movie in the trashcan here. It was Sleeping Beauty. Ever since then that’s been one of my favorite movies. Now that I’m a bit older I love watching cheesy horror movies and non cheesy ones.” I reasoned why part of me would always be interest in the way that magic worked.

“I’ve only seen a couple with Luz because she’s still trying to introduce me to the genre of animation. She wants to show me something called anime next. I have no idea what that means for me but I just hope that it isn’t a bad thing.” I laughed at the boy that was planning to spend some quality time with his sister as I settled into the cushy soft booth behind me.

“So I’ve been wondering, how exactly did that happen? How did you meet Luz and Eda?” A small smile appeared on Hunter’s face as he talked about his adopted sister and mom.

“I had found them on an island when they were trying to track down some mythical creature to make big money. I was just out there doing my job. My uncle… he wanted me to set them back a few paces and that’s what I tried to do. It didn’t go as I originally planned. But that’s how I met my family and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It was like I instantly knew that there was something special about them. Especially Luz. I always wanted a sibling that I could share my interests with. It just so happens that I got lucky and my sister is also a huge nerd. ” I laughed openly at his description of Luz since that was really accurate to how I saw her as well.

“Can I ask you something though? I don’t want to come off as rude or anything but what pronouns do you go by? What’s your sexuality?” I blushed a light pink knowing that this was coming thumbing over the end of my frilly blue apron.

“I have they/them pronouns. I started off male, I was just your average gay cis male. But once I started taking potions classes and I learned about cosmetics I got really into the idea of makeup. Shortly after that came well me wanting to wear skirts and dresses. I thought that there was something wrong with me at first. I came across a book in the library about gender. I looked at the book and saw that it talked about a gender identity called gender fluid. It’s basically where you feel male some days and female somedays. It all depends on the mood that you wake up in that day.” I explained my sexuality and gender to the boy across from me and he just nodded his head understandingly.

“That made perfect sense to me. I think that it suits you really well because you have a very feminine sense of self. But you still have masculine characteristics as well.” My younger sister looked up at me and I patted the seat next to me.

“You can sit up her too witchling hold on one second. I’ve got to help her up.” I picked her up and lightly sat her down when my mom came over to our table.

“Do you want anything else Hunter? A hot chocolate maybe?” She offered and I watched my friend’s head tilt to the side.

“Hot-what now?” I laughed at him nodding my head since I had wanted one as well and my younger sister probably did as well.

“It’s a chocolate beverage that’s warmed milk with chocolate. But we make ours fresh in house you’ll love it I just know it. It’s so good.” I bragged and my mom just threw me a wink and a thumbs up from behind her as she got us some cocoa to drink while we talked.

“Do you go to school yet Kendra?” Hunter asked my younger sister who nodded her head hesitantly. She kicked her legs back and forth squeezing her stuffed animal with a small smile on his face.

“I do. I don’t really like it though. The kids are mean and bully me because I don’t have any friends yet.” I squeezed her hand with a small smile of understanding. She had been through so much of what I had to deal with when I was her age and the empathy that I had felt for her was unreal.

“I’m sorry to hear about that. I wasn’t able to make friends until recently either. It takes time to figure out the good ones the ones that aren’t going to hurt you like others have. That hurt doesn’t go away either you have to learn to live with it. Thankfully you’re still young and you have plenty of time to make friends with your classmates and people around your age.” He reasoned with my younger sister who’s eyes welled up with thankfulness and emotion.

“How did you get that scar?” She asked him pointing to his face and I lightly looked at my younger sister sighing.

“You don’t have to tell her that. Princess we’ve talked about this, you can’t just ask people things like that. You have to remember what thoughts aren’t seen as polite and that you should keep to yourself. I know that it isn’t your fault that you’ve struggled with that sort of thing for a long time. I did too. It’s alright though sweetheart I understand what you’ve been through. I was the same when I was your age.” He shook his head with a small understanding smile on his face. He squeezed my sister’s hand as he looked at her his magenta eyes filled with emotional turmoil.

“It’s a battle scar that I got that made me stronger despite the person that gave it to me. I got from somebody that I thought that I could trust but he stabbed me in the back.” My sister gasped and her eyes filled with tears.

“I’m sorry mister I didn’t mean to bring you back unpleasant memories…” She apologized genuinely and Hunter just waved his hand with a small smile.

“Don’t worry about Kendra it’s okay. You didn’t know any better and you’re just a kid you shouldn’t know what that experience is like.” Hunter reminded her lightly and his words were genuine despite not knowing my sister very well.

“Are you happier staying with miss Eda and Luz?” He nodded his head with a small laugh as he rubbed the cheek of Rascal.

“It’s definitely a lot more entertaining than I’m used to. The whole house is chaotic so I’m just trying to adjust and keep my head above the water at the moment. I love having them around now they’re good people especially Eda. She didn’t need to take me in but she still did. I don’t think even she knows what that meant to me. It’s the fist time that I’ve had a real family. All my life I haven’t had anybody around me but myself. It was a lonely childhood but I think that things are finally starting to look up to a not so lonely teenage years and adult years.” He reasoned and I smiled softly at him as my mom came delivering our drinks to us winking at me.

“I like the Owl Lady she’s funny. Sometimes she comes here and gets sweets for Luz and King. King is my favorite he’s cute like a little demonic puppy.” My younger mentioned with a small laugh kicking her legs back and forth as she colored in her coloring book that she had with her.

“You’re very good at coloring in the lines Kendra, do you like coloring?” She nodded her head a little bit nervously about the mention of her passion.

“I love coloring it’s one of the few things that gives me complete control over what I can and can’t do. Creating things has always been one of my favorite passions. Mom says that it’s going to get me into potions magic when I get older. What kind of magic do you have?” I felt the little bit of anxiety for my friend come creeping back up my spine.

“Kendra love, he doesn’t have magic. He can’t use it at all. He uses glyphs the same way that Luz does. Has she been teaching you?” I asked him and he nodded his head tentatively. He smiled watery at me thankful that he didn’t have to answer that.

“I’ve been getting better at them the more that I practice like anything else in the world. You work hard at something and you practice even harder to get what you want.” Kendra looked at him in this state of awe and wonder for the boy that taught himself to do magic.

“I’m still too young to have any magical talent at all. I hope that I get it soon. Then I can use that magic to help people.” Hunter looked over at what she was coloring and I saw a curious expression on his face. She had the coloring book that I made for her with my designs since her favorite movie from the human realm wasn’t common.

“What are you drawing?” He asked her curiosity peaked as she stuck her tongue out and colored in the fairy’s green eyes.

“So her favorite thing right now is this Irish trilogy of movies from the human realm The Secret Of Kells, Song Of The Sea, and Wolf Walkers. Even more than Disney that’s what she’s really interested in. I’ve always been a decent enough artist and for her birthday I made her coloring books for all three films. That’s her Secret Of Kells book. What she’s coloring is her favorite character Aisling. She’s a fairy that can transform into a wolf. Maybe Luz knows about she at least knows about Wolf Walkers because she showed that one to her.” I explained the background of what my sister happened to be coloring in as Hunter looked at the page in surprise.

“That’s amazing that you actually made that all by yourself Kenneth. It’s clear that you love your sister otherwise you wouldn’t have gone through all that effort in order to make something that she’d enjoy. What about your brother? What does he like doing?” I smiled softly at my younger brother that was on the floor building something with his LEGOS.

“He loves superheroes at the moment that’s stuck around for a really long time. He has a lot of fun with those because you can pretty much do anything with that. My sister takes more after me with her interests when I was younger. I loved movies, I loved imagining things, and I loved coloring. That was how I got my creative energy out when I was younger was I colored. Now that I’m a lot older I feel more creative freedom as to what I can’t and can do.” My younger sister finished coloring in the green eyes of her character and moved onto her gray dress.

“You’ll have to show me those movies sometime Kendra. I love finding new forms of art.” My sister looked up in surprise that my friend wanted anything to do with her interest that she found to be so carbon copy.

“Are you sure?” He nodded his head in affirmation with a small smile gracing his features. My sister packed up her things and went scampering up the stairs.

“She’s probably going to go and find the first one right now. You should tell Eda not to expect you back for some time. I think you just walked into a landmine. I’ll try to get her to only show you one but I make you no promises that she’ll follow through with it.” I teased and my new friend just laughed at what he had gotten himself into.

“Well I’d rather spend more time with you if I’m being really honest. I want to know you better Kenneth. Something about you is fascinating to me.” My cheeks flushed a bright pink for the first time since I put up my illusion.

“Umm you have frosting everywhere.” I blushed an even brighter pink wishing that this chair would just do me a favor and swallow me whole.

“I got into a frosting fight with my boyfriend before you got here. You flustered me and my defensive illusion fell. I’m sorry I look like such a mess right now.” I apologized and my friend just shook his head at me scooting over to my area.

“It’s alright you don’t look like a mess in the slightest. Here, it’s actually not that bad.” He looked at me face and managed to get rid of the frosting.

“There it really wasn’t all that bad Kenny. Sorry! I heard Amity calling you that earlier.” I nodded my head with a small smile.

“I found that when I transitioned it was easier for me to shorten my name to nicknames. I don’t mind my full name it’s just that I like it to be shortened. I didn’t want to say anything because it’s just kind of awkward to talk about.” He shook his head at me and I old see the varying emotions in his magenta eyes glancing at me sympathetically.

“It doesn’t have to be awkward not if you’re happy with yourself. If you’re happy then who else cares?” The way that was worded reminded me so much of how Edric reasoned with my anxiety of not being perfect.

“The way that you worded that reminded me so much of my boyfriend. It’s kind of adorable. Sometimes I need to be comforted about the silliest of things.” I rubbed the back of my neck my tying my hair into a better ponytail to keep it out of my face.

“Did you grow up watching the older Disney movies? What was your favorite other than Sleeping Beauty?” I laughed a little bit getting the book off of the shelf that was next to me showing it to him.

“Alice In Wonderland was my childhood favorite. It was the one that I watched the most because my parents prefer classic Disney. My sister is still the biggest Frozen fan so I’ve had to watch that movie way too many times over the last decade. It’s my curse.” I joked and he just laughed openly at the idea that I would always be there for my younger sister.

“Just because you’re a good older sibling doesn’t mean that you’re cursed to have to watch the same girly movie over and over again. I think that the message is really good. I still need to see a lot of the classic ones. Could you show them to me?” I nodded my head with a bright smile on my face at the idea of introducing him to the things that I had grown up with.

“The original animated film is the best keep the live action one’s away from me. I hate them. They tried to make them too serious and that’s not what this is. It’s chaotic and unique I get to pick the next book to read to my siblings and this is the one that I want to read to them.” I felt Hunter slowly start to shift a little bit closer to me.

“There’s something that I should tell you…” He looked down a little bit nervously and I blinked in confusion.

“You can tell me anything that you need to. As long as it doesn’t make you uncomfortable hun.” I encouraged him letting the pet name slip this time without fighting it back down again.

“I think I really like you. More than I should like a friend and I don’t know how to approach the topic because you’re clearly in love with your boyfriend.” I hugged my new friend with a small smile on my face.

“Oh hun I get that. That’s why I bailed so quickly on you earlier today. I had to talk to Edric about how far this all could go. I care about you too more than I should probably considering that before today I thought that I had only room in my heart for one idiot. Only to find that there was another one out there that surprised me. I want to be there for you in any capacity that you’ll allow for me to be. Whether that be as your friend while you get your bearings or something more once you get more comfortable with whatever you want me to be. I know that I don’t want you to meet Ed until you know what you want. He’s tried to get me to give him your phone number but I don’t want him to scare you off. He can be… a lot on a person and he’s just got a lot of chaotic energy and forgive me if I just want to be selfish and keep you to myself for as long as I can.” I felt new friend hug me as he leaned his head against my shoulder with a small smile.

“I want to be something more than friends with you I know that much. But I also want to wait until we’re better friends if that makes any sense at all. Is that okay with you?” I nodded my head knowing that it would be difficult for me to not just simply bundle him up in a blanket and keep him protected from the rest of the world.

“That’s perfectly alright with me. I won’t lie and say that it won’t be a challenge for me. I’ve always been the type to just go with the first emotion that I feel which usually isn’t good.” Hunter just laughed softly against my shoulder.

“I appreciate it. I’m still adjusting to having a normal life and it would be nice to have some sort of normal before I decide that I want to make a big life decision and start dating the most amazing person that I’ve ever met in my entire life.” My cheeks flushed a bright pink. Keep it together Kenny you can do this who cares if he’s the cutest boy that you’ve ever seen?

“I knew that I’d probably have to wait until you were more comfortable which is also why I’m trying to keep you away from Ed. See with my magic is I can replicate images of people and also save people’s voices to little places with my powers. Usually I save little things. Want to hear Edric’s genuine laugh?” He nodded his head excitedly and I used my summoning to summon the sound that I loved so much when I got to hear it.

“Oh my Titan that is the cutest thing that I’ve ever heard in my entire life…” I couldn’t help but smile softly at the fondness of that sound lighting me up inside.

“He’s a snorter when he laughs and it’s always adorable whenever I hear it. He rarely does it genuinely unless he’s really tickled by something because his parents had to go and make him feel self conscious of it.” I sighed a little bit thinking about Ed’s relationship with his mom. Hunter pulled back from the hug and I instantly wanted to wrap him up again.

“He’s been through a lot too?” I nodded my head playing with the tablecloth beneath my fingers taking a sip from my now cooling cocoa.

“This is the best thing that I’ve ever tasted… I used to just live off of black coffee.” I gagged feeling my reflex coming on really strong.

“You’ve got to add things to coffee Hunter. You can’t just drink it straight up because that’s disgusting. Haven’t you ever tried a mocha? You add hot chocolate mix to your coffee.” I asked him and he shook his head animatedly.

“That sounds amazing. I’ll have to take your idea and try it the next time that Eda gets coffee for Luz and I. She has to get decaf because Luz on caffeine.” He shuddered at the horror story and I laughed openly at the idea.

“I can imagine that’s a story that I would love. I love crazy Luz stories. That sounds like Ed and Em on a sugar high which is an absolute nightmare to manage. They get into even more trouble with sugar in their system. It’s why I can’t give them more than one treat whenever they come in. If it’s big they have to share it and give a majority of it to Amity. You’ll hear him call her Mittens quite a bit. That’s the family nickname for her. I call her it sometimes as well to mess with her.” I hummed the song that was playing over the radio today. It was one of my favorite older country songs by Johnny Cash, Ballad Of A Teenage Queen.

“Are you good at singing?” I nodded my head with a small smile on my face. Everyone that I’ve ever come into contact with told me that I was a good singer and I sang a lot to help Kendra and Kelvin get to sleep at night.

“I love singing I always have it’s one of my favorite things to do. Singing my siblings to sleep has always been something that I’ve done. I do it every night they curl up and listen to me sing. They still share a bedroom but we’ve been talking about them moving into separate bedrooms for the future. They’re almost six now so they should have their own spaces to be happy.” Hunter leaned against my side listening to my rambling about my siblings.

“I’m painting their bedrooms as well. I haven’t decided what to do for Kendra’s maybe something garden related? She really loves the outdoors.” He entwined his fingers with mine and I couldn’t help but melt into the touch.

“I’m sure that whatever you design for her that she’ll love it either way because her older sibling is the one that put forth all the hard work and effort to make her happy.” He reminded me lightly and I sighed a little bit into the touch of his caring nature.

“Is this okay?” I nodded my head with a small smile on my face. Affection was something that I always soaked up like water to a sponge. I could never get enough of it.

“It’s perfect thank you for being so supportive. Is there a particular reason that you came to the shop so quickly?” I asked him out of sheer curiosity and he just blushed a light pink looking down at his shoes a little bit.

“Well it’s because I just really wanted to see you and spend more time with you. You interested me in a way that nobody ever really has before. You intrigued me and I wanted to know more about you, about your family and what they did. I thought that if I did I’d find out what it was about you that fascinated me so much. Only to find out that your whole family is just full of this unique energy to them. You all understand each other and the needs of everyone in the family.” I laughed a little bit because my family was crazy and he just didn’t know that.

“You might think that now but my parents are kinda goofy I’m just giving you the heads up. You probably think that I’m just joking or whatever but no I’m being totally serious. They make up their own songs the whole nine yards. I just hope that are never around when they do that.” I warned him about the sheer insanity that happens in our kitchen from time to time. My entire family was just full of this concentrated quirkiness that we had to get out someway but never really knew how to do so.

“I actually really want to see that mostly to see if you do the same thing.” I flushed a bright pink nodding my head tentatively. Sometimes my mom would start singing her own made up song and I’d take it from there.

“I probably shouldn’t have told you that. When Ed found out he basically never let me live that down. It’s so embarrassing but he gets entertainment out of it. I’ll have to put you a chair in the kitchen so that maybe you could keep me company while I work. Ed has his own and I should make one for you.” I played with my index fingers a little bit and I saw his small smile.

“I’d really like that. I can distract you with my own rambling according to Luz I can be quite the bookworm.” I laughed a little bit at the idea of Hunter getting engrossed into something because the thought just seemed so adorable and cute. I could picture him rambling about whatever he was reading about magic related and my heart warmed at the thought of it.

“I’m a rambler too so I get that feeling. It’s hard when you’re the only one that does it because you eventually worry that people tune you out. Thankfully Luz is a rambler too so you can do it together.” I encouraged him and he just laughed at me a soft but at the same time open sound.

“Yeah that’s the plus side to it, does your sister do it?” I nodded my head with a small smile thinking about my younger sister who was probably debating which of the movies to show Hunter first.

“She does but she’s still kind of learning what words mean what so her rambling is really cute. She’s a lot like me when I was that age so I’m a bit closer to her than I am to Kelvin. Sometimes I don’t know how to relate to him or how to be a good older sibling to him.” I heard Kendra’s call from upstairs that she had the movie ready.

“It looks as though we’re being summoned. Come on you can take your drink with you. I’ll carry it the stairs can be quite treacherous.” I referenced one of my favorite movies to watch around Halloween and when I heard his laugh. Not the quiet one but one that I heard earlier the open one where his shoulders shook with humor.

“Luz showed me that movie it was one of her favorite’s that she would always watch with her mom. It was really, really funny. I was going to ask if you had ever seen it since it is your style of movie. That kind of cheesy horror movie that you mentioned earlier.” Rascal flew behind him and I couldn’t help but smile softly at the two of them.

“Do you know how Rascal got his scar?” He nodded his head and I looked at him curiously as I carried our drinks up the stairs.

“He had an abusive master before me. He never told who but I guess we had that in common and that’s why he picked me.” He shrugged it off like it was nothing but my heart went out to him and all the sorrow that he had seen.

“I’m sorry for all that you’ve both been through.” His smile even though it was soft it was still something that made my heart light.

“It’s okay. I’m getting through it just like everybody else does that struggles with the same pain that I did. I’m not alone anymore. I have Luz, I have Eda, and I have you now.” He grinned boyishly at me as we walked up the stairs together. My cheeks flushed a bright pink but I just led him up to the couch where Kendra had her mug on the tray in front of her. I put ours next to hers and made sure that everyone knew who’s was who’s. Hunter leaned against the back of the couch as his eyes widened at what he saw on the screen. I hoped privately that it wouldn’t be the last time that I’d get to see him with stars in his eyes.

#owl house #fics #writing #poly ships #fluff #poly negotiations

[ajokeformur-ray]

Hi! ✨ idk if requests are open but if they are: joker is hurt real badly at work and his composure slips the closer he gets to the apartment. you hurry to stitch him up/calm him down but what he’s not telling you is he’s SO upset cuz he saw a woman who reminded him of you getting attacked in the street tonight + he realized he really doesn’t wanna lose you

Omgggg I’m so excited to write this one, as soon as I saw it I knew what to write! I truly believe that Joker would love you even harder than Arthur did, he’d basically be Arthur x 1000000 with you, and an event like this would hammer it all home for him. As such, I’ve done my best to not make this out of character - if I have, please let me know so I can re-write! @rebs-doom and I discussed this a little so I took inspiration from there. Please check out her blog if you have the time to, her writing is just incredible and I love her so much!!!!!

Okay so TW; blood mentions, injured!Joker, reader stitches him up, angst (but also fluff bc I refuse to hurt our boi), Joker dissociates, pain induced confessions which aren’t actually confessions because he doesn’t say anything? That sounded weird but if you read it you’ll know what I’m talking about. Also swearing, obviously. And I have no medical knowledge whatsoever but I don’t care. So please forgive any inaccuracies!

Arthur Fleck/Joker:  @writings-of-a-gen-z @x-avantgarde-x @mapreza1 @insomniabird @mavalenovaninagavi @itwasrealenough @morrisonmercurymalek  @rand0ms-fand0ms @rafaelina-casillas @aclownthing @rebs-doom @vivft @help-i-am-obssessed @autumnaffection @taintednihilist @vladtoly @mg-woolf99 @misstgrey92 @that-s-life @dopey-girl-blogs @seeking-dreamland @sweetheart-syndrome @heartxfdesire @xmusichealsthesoulx @0callmejude0 @the-one-that-likes-riddles @hannibalsslut @folliaght @freeeshavacadoo @bingewatchingmylifegoby @unlovedbyeveryoneandeverything @okamiredfoxx @sp0okysp0oky @the-pandorabox

Word count: 2, 718

Your relaxed plans for the evening were immediately cancelled when Joker almost fell through the front door. He slammed it shut, and you stood up in a panic. There were riots all over the news, talks of gunshots from unknown locations, talks of people getting beaten up and trampled over, the city was on fire yet again and you wondered how long it would be before Joker was able to get proper control over his newfound calling in life.

Your eyes roamed over his form and your heart stopped dead when you saw that, even with his makeup flaking and his skin coming through, he was pale. He was as white as a sheet and clutching his arm. There was blood splattered all over his once yellow waistcoat and you were grateful in that moment that his suit was mostly red; it would make hiding the stains so much easier. You could see straight away that most of the blood on him was his.

You fought back the sudden intense wave of nausea and hurried over to Joker, wrapping a guiding arm around him and leading him over to the sofa. You sat him down gently, quietly, and watched him for just a second. He wasn’t looking at you. No, he was looking through you. His eyes were glazed over with pain, emotionally and physically, his skin still had that ghostly pale pallor, and he was shaking like a leaf. His bottom lip was trembling and you could see how hard he was fighting himself. What the actual fuck had happened to him? Gone was the confident Joker you were used to. In his place was Arthur Fleck, and it broke your heart to see him in so much pain.

Hurriedly did you gather all the supplies from the bathroom that you would need. You didn’t know yet what kind of an injury he had obtained on his arm, but based on his physical signs of his distress and all that blood, it was bad. Knowing from experience that when Joker dissociated, you weren’t even going to be able to ask him to move or to help you, you tenderly removed his jacket, wincing to yourself when his facial expression showed no change but his eyes, oh his eyes were overflowed with tears, which steadily dripped down his face, removing the makeup which stubbornly clung to his skin. He looked a complete mess. Even his vibrant green hair was deflated and sticking to his skin, which had a light sheen of sweat on it. You had never seen him like this and you found yourself wishing that this was all just a nightmare. A really real nightmare you couldn’t wake up from. You forced yourself to concentrate, to think. Now wasn’t the time for you to tap out of reality, either.

As his jacket slid off his body, the rich material getting stuck to the place where the blood was the worst, you gasped in horror. He had been grazed by a bullet or something similar, and the wound was leaking blood at an alarming rate. Could someone bleed out from an arm injury? You thought so, but you weren’t entirely sure. You had no medical knowledge at all beyond the most basic first aid. Quickly did you check the sight for any bullet. Nothing. It was a clean wound in that respect, at least. Still, it would leave a massive scar. Joker had always cared little for how his body looked and though his mind was riddled with scars which had never properly healed, his body was, at least on the surface, completely unblemished at the present time. He hadn’t taken a beating in months, for which you were immensely grateful. You had been happy when he had finally decided to start standing up for himself.

Your first priority was to clean the wound, and then you could bandage it. After that, you could focus on your true problem: getting Joker out of his own head and back with you. You had pulled him out of dissociation numerous times with some difficulty, but you had never seen him this bad, even when he was Arthur. Something had scared him, really scared him, and for Joker that was unprecedented; so laid back he was almost horizontal was he. While you worked, you spoke to him. You kept your voice low and calm, your tone as soothing as you could despite how much you wanted to break down and cry. You stroked his damp, matted hair, kissed his forehead, and you kept talking to him. You made him as aware as you could that you were there with him, that you were real, and that you were taking good care of him. He was safe with you.

When at last his wound was clean and bandaged, and you had cleared away the towels and the flannel you had used, and everything looked like before he had come home, you worked on undressing him. Joker would need to be as comfortable as possible in his body, even with the amount of pain he was in, before you could draw him out of himself. If he came to with something still remaining of the evening’s events, he would stay inside his own head. It was a delicate procedure and you didn’t even know if you were doing any of this right, but you had to try. You just had to try. Joker would appreciate your efforts more than anything else.

You left him shirtless but pulled up those electric blue trousers that were almost comically baggy up his legs. You brushed his hair gently and kept kissing parts of his face, his neck. You washed his face with a flannel using hot soapy water. You were so, so gentle and so tender and you were still feeling beside yourself with how his tears kept flowing, his bottom lip kept trembling, and still he didn’t talk. He only blinked occasionally and kept breathing at a regular rate. His heart rate was fine, too. Physically, Joker would heal.

Mentally?

You had to find out what had happened first. The question was - how? With patience and persistence, was the whispered answer. You shoved it away.

You sat beside him on the sofa, your entire body turned towards him. You were watching his every move, his every breath. You were waiting for a chance to get him back home to you.

You waited for maybe another half an hour before Joker blinked once, twice, three times, four and - a deep breath which moved his entire body. There he was. At last. Tears began to pour faster down his face and you leaned forward and kissed his forehead, holding your lips there as you just breathed him in. You were so heavily relieved that your heart was pounding.

A broken sob. You pulled away from him and pressed your lips together to keep yourself from crying. It didn’t work. Your tears mingled with his as they rained down upon his lap, so close together were you and he.

“Arthur?” You smiled gently at him, your eyes holding his. You only ever called him that when you needed to comfort him, when it was imperative that he knew how safe he was. You saved it for the occasions in which you needed his true name, and as such the effect was almost immediate as the familiar name sunk deep inside his ears, touching his brain gently. You followed his gaze every time he looked away from you, and he blinked again. A slow, careful hand came up and into the air as he reached towards you. You stayed so still, refusing to even breathe, and as his hand touched your face, he gasped lightly and wrenched his hand back.

“Y- Y/N. Are you real?”

You smiled, crying just as hard as he was. “Yes. I’m here, darling. I’ve got you. You’re safe now.”

Joker bowed his head and leaned forward so that he could rest his forehead against your shoulder. He cried noisily, like a small child, and you wrapped your arms around him and just held him. You held him tightly, rubbing his back, kissing the top of his head, your stomach and mind sick with worry as that familiar question kept circling around and around in your head like a destructive hurricane:

What the fuck happened tonight?

Slowly did a hand leave Joker’s lap and come up to touch your face. He was checking to see if you were real and it only added to your distress. You didn’t know how much more you could take of this tonight, so mentally taxed were you. His hand followed the curve of your cheek and you pressed a kiss to your palm. His bloodshot green eyes met yours and your heart shattered all over again when tears continued to fall. That question was still in your head, and now it was on the very tip of your tongue. You couldn’t speak. The answer to your very significant question was written all over his face. It was in his eyes and all at once the horrifying truth slammed into you like a truck. It left you breathless and now your fear was his fear. You had always suffered together as a couple, and just because he was Joker now, that didn’t make it any less true. You felt each other’s emotions like they were your own.

You saw the blood on his clothes, which were now in the bath soaking in cold water. You saw the haunted expression on his face when he had crashed through the door. You felt the way he was still gripping you to him, even now, like he was protecting you from an invisible danger. Pieces of the devastating puzzle all clicked into place and at last, at last, you understood.

Someone who looked like you had been attacked tonight. Joker had seen it and it had distracted him in his overwhelming fear, which had resulted in his injury. His physical injury, a bullet graze, was nothing compared to the eternal mental anguish if he were to ever lose you. Only then, should such a thing ever happen, would Arthur Fleck truly go off the rails.

If such a thing were possible, your every emotion in this moment increased. The room became so much brighter, poorly illuminated though it was with lamps which desperately needed a bulb change but you couldn’t afford it right now, your heart began to roar through your head as though your blood was singing its way around your body, your grip around Joker and his around you grew tighter, until it felt as though you would become one physical body. Everything became clearer, more succinct. Mental clarity came to you and you saw Arthur Fleck. Just like you always had and you always would. Gotham had forgotten about him, it had cruelly abandoned him to a life of abuse of the worst kinds, given him back to his abusive mother and more, but you had never thought him invisible or unimportant. No. Since the day you had met had Arthur been a prominent figure in your life. That would never change.

Joker had found his own truth this night. He had always known just how deeply his love ran for you. He had always known how devoted and loyal he was to you, how much you meant to him and how much he didn’t want to lose you. But now, tonight, when he had seen someone who looked just like you getting violently attacked and lost in the crowd, he had come to know his truth. It had shocked him right down to his core, which was still kind and good and soft, and it had made him retreat inside his own damaged mind; his perceived reality was once more scarier than the infamous and familiar demons in his own head.

He was so fucking terrified of losing you that the mere thought of it had sent him spiralling into a dissociative state that you nearly hadn’t been able to pull him out of. A tsunami of love crashed over you, drowning your shores, and you were lost as your grip on what you had thought to be real faltered. You were the luckiest person on the entire fucking planet and you knew it.

Joker’s palm was still on your cheek, warming you from the outside. He still felt hazy, like he was watching himself through a television screen, but he was coherent enough to be able to see the exact moment you figured him out. His mind was so complex even he didn’t understand it, never mind the supposed professionals he had always been made to see (and a fat lot of good they were) but you had taken the time to try, and you had come to see him. You always did, in the end, no matter how long it took. Your innate understanding of Arthur had always meant the absolute world to him, and he had always made the effort to use his own intuition to see you just as clearly. It was one of your many strengths as a couple. Your continued joint willingness to try was one of your favourite things about your relationship. Anything could happen when you just tried.

Slowly did he lean in to press his lips to yours. Bare faced, his hair slicked back and his eyes shining with a galaxy that, even with its immeasurable size couldn’t quite quantify his love for you, he looked like Arthur. He was Arthur and sometimes you had to take care to remind yourself of the fact that no matter what, Arthur was still himself at his core. He hadn’t changed his truest, most genuine self. He had only grown into it, succumbed to it. You kissed him gently, trying to comfort him without words. Touch was the best way to affirm that you weren’t a delusion, that you were real and he was real and that you were in love and together.

“I was so scared,” He whispered against your lips, tears running anew down both of your faces. “I had to come home as quickly as I could just to see. If I lost you, I’d die - “ His hands, shaking, cupped your face as he fought with himself for control. You were both fine. His injury would heal and in the morning this would all seem like a bad dream, but in the moment he could only let himself feel with the liberation that Joker embodied. 

He was exhausted and you could see it. With steady motions did you stand up, taking Joker with you. You didn’t let your skin leave his for even a second. You took him to the bedroom and the two of you got comfortable in the bed. The mattress protested, the springs creaked and bounced back into place as you moved, but for once your economical situation didn’t even occur to you. You didn’t give a flying fuck about anything but Joker right now. He laid facing you, his legs tucked up so he was in the foetal position. His arms were wrapped around your waist and his face was buried in your stomach as he allowed himself to cry it all out. Crying really did make people feel better. It restored the chemicals in the brain which were unbalanced. It left people tired, though, and you were really tired too, so taking him to bed had been your only option. You weren’t physically strong enough to move him to the bed if he fell asleep on you.

You held him, there was nothing you could do or say to assuage his very real and palpable fear that either of you could one day lose the other from a reason entirely out of your control, and pressed kisses to whichever parts of him you could reach. You remained quiet, letting him express himself, and when he was finally done sobbing, you wiped his tears away and kissed him as tenderly as you could, biting back your own emotions as you had been since he had come home.

Only when Joker was definitely asleep did you allow yourself the luxury of crying. 

I’m actually crying now. Someone send help.

EDIT: PART TWO

#Nonnie #arthur fleck #arthur fleck imagine #arthur fleck x reader #joker #joker imagine #joker x reader #joker 2019 imagine #joker 2019 #todd phillips #joaquin phoenix #joaquin phoenix imagine #Joaquin phoenix joker #joaquin phoenix x reader #phoenix!joker imagine #phoenix!joker #phoenix!joker x reader

[thistangledbrain]

Ok y’all, I’m sorry I’m having to catch up! We got a new foster in a few days ago - a particularly broken soul - and my mind has been *entirely* on him. But he’s settling in a little now, so here’s the last 3 days in one post ☺️

Autism Acceptance Month

Day 10!

“Sensory Life”

This is sort of hard to describe, but I’ll try! This is different from the next entry about stims, though both are sensory related.

It’s like being on microdosed ‘shrooms *all the time*. If you don’t know what that’s like, I’ll try to describe (this is collaborated with a friend who regularly does this - I don’t...it would probably be far too overwhelming).

Colors are far sharper to me & I emotionally react to them far more than most people. That results in some colors being genuinely offensive - not just “I don’t like that color”, but it will make me intensely angry or physically sick. This makes me curious about chromotherapy, but I haven’t really looked into it that much. My tolerance of certain colors can ebb and flow depending on my emotional state/mindset. (This crap is so sharp, I’m actually getting a twinge of irritation just *thinking* about my most hated colors LOL 😂 🤦🏻‍♀️)

Textures/skin sensations are another big one. (By now you may be asking, how TF did this chick manage Marine Corps training/exercises?!) I guess if you want something bad enough, you can shut down some of the overwhelming aspects of the sensory thing...this ability to disassociate probably isn’t what NT’s would call “healthy”, but it’s quite handy if you’re autistic, and those of us who have been through real trauma seem to be especially skilled with our ability to just shut off all circuits and “embrace the suck”). Like...I’ll nearly panic to get out of a store or something if my underwear starts feeling uncomfortable, but I’ve literally been soaked head to toe, covered in mud and sand in my *everywhere* (and I HATE SAND anywhere but on my feet) AND I pissed myself, because nobody’s gonna stop shooting/training just because you have to go potty 🙄), and I remember literally giving zero fucks about it...so it really is entirely a mindset thing. But let’s talk about when I’m NOT in “Marine mode” (cuz let’s face it, it’s been close to two decades since I got out, and I no longer HAVE to tolerate overwhelming sensations).

Sensory input is just basically dialed to 11 & the knob’s been snapped off. Bright lights, loud discordant noises, too much touching/not touching the right way, things like that. I am particularly sensitive about body hair (my own). I *strongly* prefer to have my head shaved on the back and sides (but I leave the top long). The only time I haven’t done this, was in the Marines (it was considered “eccentric” and not allowed, so they made me grow it out). Even though I leave the main part long, it’s *always* in a bun or ponytail - well, unless I’m super dressed up for something, but even then I prefer some sort of updo. Despite the fact that I like my long hair (well on the top anyway), I can’t *stand* the way it feels on my neck or especially my face - I HATE IT when my hair touches my face. If I wasn’t married...there’s a decent chance I’d just shave it all off and be done with it LOL 😆 My ponytail pulled through the back of a baseball hat is I guess what they’d call my “signature look”.

And you think NT’s have bad misophonia? *I’ve jumped out of a moving vehicle before* to get away from the noise of someone chewing loudly/smacking their lips in the back seat (he was a coworker and punching him in the mouth - which is what I DESPERATELY wanted to do - would have gotten me fired 😕)...but humans eating, or dogs licking their junk, makes me want to crawl out of my own skin. It’s mostly humans though....you have *no idea* the level of self discipline it takes to keep me from either rage crying or actually getting violent around someone smacking their mouth during a meal. I *cannot* be around my husband when he’s eating breakfast cereal even though he’s a very mannered eater - I don’t know why, but it’s *so loud* (and I’m terribly hard of hearing) - it sounds like he’s chewing rocks. It took us years to work this problem out LOL - he thought it was dumb that I had such a deeply emotional reaction. Then he tried to “chew quietly”, which all that did was slow down the rock tumbler inside his mouth 😂...gradually, for everyone’s sanity, we realized that cereal eating should not be done in close proximity to each other lololol....and now, when it’s time for family meals around the table, I’ve learned to either keep the range hood fan going (white noise is definitely my friend), or have the TV on. If it’s just mainly the sound of everyone chewing, I simply won’t eat at the table. I lose my appetite. (And all of my dinner guests/family are very polite diners. It’s MY hangup.) Phone calls are another big one. I could probably come up with several reasons why I hate it...I LOATHE it. This is one sensory hangup some people in my family just refuse to accept. I don’t think they realize I equate unexpected or immediately demanded phone calls to running naked though a mall or getting a root canal. Hissssssssss!! Give me some time to prepare myself for this shit please - you’re actually asking a *lot* from me. (And when I do have a call? Ugh I babble and am so awkward, because I’m so effing uncomfortable, which I also hate.)

But here’s an area where my “sensory overload” serves me very well:

Dogs.

I am usually *intensely* dialed into the energy and body language of an animal, but particularly dogs. I’m *so* sensitive to them, that I often actually can feel things even happening behind my back - can basically sense the energy in the area shift. (Roughly 75% of the time. I’m spacey sometimes too LOL.) The work I do with “behaviorally challenged” dogs is the biggest area where I am *grateful* for my autistic mind. I don’t think I could really do the things I do without it, successfully. (I can do this to a large degree with people as well, as can my youngest son. You cannot lie to that boy about your feelings or mood.)

We all have different levels of sensory sensitivity and different triggers, but every autistic I know has several “sensory hangups”. It often is one of our biggest hurdles to deal with, when it comes to “normal functioning”. So, many of us constantly have headphones (or muffs) on, some of us wear sunglasses *all the time*, etc (I wear a baseball hat - and I genuinely don’t like going anywhere where I have to get dressed up and can’t wear my hat. Been like that since my early teens. That hat shields me from all sorts of real and imagined sensory triggers.) You do what you can to mitigate, you know? But my “microdosing shrooms” and “knob dialed to 11 and snapped off” is really the best way I can summarize. (And that’s not all bad - my trips into a new natural space, like the redwoods, is an absolute *thrill*. I also occasionally love sensory overload - many auties do - like rollercoasters. My youngest son and I can ride till we pass out LOL!) So sensory life is love/hate, really....but I don’t think I’d change much about it.

Except the fucking misophonia. I hate that I go into almost a murderous rage over someone just chewing food loudly 🤦🏻‍♀️ - but seriously. It’s impolite anyway. Don’t do it. 😆

———————————————————

Day 11!

Stims

This is one of the biggest areas where neurotypicals struggle to understand us.

We all have stims. Stims are basically any stimulus that brings us joy or comfort. It could be rocking, flapping, walking in tight little circles, clicking your fingernails together, spinning, making weird sounds or whistling, etc. And it’s usually repetitive - that’s the part that gets on people’s nerves.

I’ve found that most *women* hide most of our stims. We only let go and stim our little hearts out when we’re alone. I do that, because some of my stims grate on my husband. Sometimes I don’t WANT to feel “watched” anyway...I’ve noticed males don’t have quite the same issue with that.

I have quiet stims I do to soothe myself, and happy stims. One of my quieter stims when I’m trying to soothe myself (like in public) is clicking my teeth, particularly my right canines. I also have this silicone bite stick I wear around my neck sometimes, that I chew on (my sons like the bite sticks as well). I carry a little bag of fidget toys in my purse, to soothe myself with when I’m stressed. There’s a thing sort of like a fidget cube, a little cowrie shell and twine bracelet that I fiddle with almost like a rosary, a small stuffed axolotyl (her name is Blossom), and a few other toys. My little stash also comes in damn handy when I encounter a bored child LOL!

One of my sons makes funny little sound effects randomly (and he’s grown & still does it). The other used to randomly shriek when he was younger - then he learned how to whistle, so he couldn’t say a whole sentence without punctuating it with little whistles (we actually thought it was adorable).

My favorite stim is putting my headphones on, putting on some favorite music, sitting with my legs crossed, closing my eyes, and rocking. I’m happy to TELL you about this stim, but it’s one I do alone, because I like to get completely lost in it and I can’t do that if I feel I’m being watched...and you’ll damn near give me a heart attack if you touch me while I’m lost in that world. (And boy does it irritate me to get yanked out of that before I’m ready, for some bullshit non emergency reason.) Better to just isolate myself (except my dogs are always with me). Another one I do alone - and I have no idea why i like it so much - is squeaking my bite stick across my teeth. (This one is weird to me because I usually HATE my teeth being touched...yes dentists are a problem.) This one I enjoy doing kind of mindlessly while I read, but damn would it irritate anyone in listening distance LOL...I mean, it would irritate the shit out of ME if someone else was doing it, because *other people’s* repetition, especially if it makes noise, gets on my damned nerves. 🙄 Figures lmao!

Stims can be damaging sometimes, though. Like I used to twist and twirl my hair when I was younger so much that the areas I usually grabbed were frayed and broken (I also chewed my hair sometimes). One stim I cannot break myself of even though sometimes it’ll make me bleed, is chewing the insides of my cheeks or my lips. That’s my most frequent (several times a day) one, and the one that is both gratifying *and* soothing. It’s also the one that’s hardest to suppress.

Some auties are either unaware or literally don’t care how you feel about their stims, but I am and do. I’d like to think I’m pretty “appropriate” *most* of the time with my stims and other people around, except the lip/cheek chewing. If my husband notices I’ve gotten pretty furious about it (even using my hand to push my cheek into optimal biting position), he’ll gently put his hands on mine to bring me back to awareness - if I’m gnawing away, I’m either super stressed or way lost in thought. Either way, I can accidentally hurt myself, so he gently guides me away/distracts me.

Stimming is an important part of Autie life and should not be discouraged unless it hurts Your Pet Autie ™️.

And if you’re looking for a neat gift for an Autie? They actually make stim toy packs. Get them one, they’re fun. ☺️ (Most stim toys are designed to withstand being put in mouths and bitten/chewed, too - LOTS of us have oral fixations.) And hey, even if you’re a NT, try stimming sometime (lots of normal people have stims, they just don’t realize that’s what they are - like nail biting. Bite your nails a lot? Get a bite stick!! God they’re so satisfying!)....

Happy stimming!

———————————————-

Day 12!

“Favorite Autism Charity”

This one is short and easy: ASAN. Autism Self Advocacy Network.

“The Autistic Self Advocacy Network is a nonprofit organization run by and for individuals with autism. According to its mission statement, the Network’s goal is ‘to empower autistic people across the world to take control of our own lives and the future of our common community, and seek to organize the autistic community to ensure our voices are heard in the national conversation about us.’”

————————————————-

Day 13!

“Family”

Well that’s kinda ambiguous, isn’t it? 😒

I’ll start with this tack:

Being an autistic mom with autistic kids.

I mean for years, none of us KNEW LOL - and maybe that’s what took me so long to get around to pursuing a formal diagnosis for my youngest. To me, for the longest time, he was just sensitive and different like me (same with my oldest, for the most part, but I’m pretty sure that was me buying into the “brilliant people are just fucking weird ok” mindset also), yannow? So it was like, “well mama always told me I’d have one like me & then know what I put her through” 🙄 My oldest got lumped into the “all bright kids are quirky” category - but as I learned about ASD through my youngest and myself, it became damn obvious the oldest was also in our camp. (He’s taken the prelim test now anyway, but is not formally diagnosed.) I genuinely believe that our “shared weirdness” binds us very tightly to each other - and I’m super pleased about that.

It brought a whole new level of understanding and awareness within our little family when we realized it was ASD I guess - and acceptance. (I 100% believe that diagnosis - or even affirmation - is critical to our self acceptance and understanding.) I wouldn’t trade my little family for anything, and consider myself remarkably blessed. I can talk about how complex and brilliant my boys are ALL day (and often do LOL). Hubby is neurodivergent, and can identify with (or at least sympathize with) MANY of our hangups....but he’s “normal” enough that he’s been able to guide us (mostly me) with things like how to use tact (not often a skill we naturally possess lmao). My heart breaks when I read posts by auties whose families either don’t understand or don’t accept them & are constantly trying to basically mute who they are. Auties “live out loud”, and some people find that off putting. I know growing up, I was constantly getting my ass chewed for being “dramatic” or too sensitive, too, so I shut down and hid my sensitivity far, far away. I’m only *lately* (last few years) discarding that silly tough girl mask. (I can still be quite the little wolverine at times, but I’m not afraid to show my soft sensitive actual self anymore...to stay soft in today’s fucked up world takes actual courage - a lot of it - and strength. I was looking at the concept of being “strong” entirely the wrong way.)

I swear my husband has lived with nearly as many phases and facets, as years we’ve been together. Sometimes I ask him if this ever bothers him. He says no, because who I am at my core never changes...and he grins and says “and you damn sure aren’t boring” 😂

But since I’ve known I’m autistic, I’ve given myself more freedom to discover who I am without these socially dictated parameters. And permission to be precisely who I am, without cringing apologies when the real me shines through awkwardly.

And my husband and boys have been there every step of the way, embracing me, as we do with them. ♥️

Yeah. I love my family. We’re some pretty cool people. 😁

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Where The Lamb Sleeps Under The White Tiger’s Tail

some fluff but it’s actually lucid and angsty at first but turns soft

--------------

She knows there’s a lot that Joan isn’t telling her. There are dark bruises beneath her eyes, and she doesn’t sleep, not really. Bessie or Maria or Maggie sometimes say they come downstairs in the middle of the night to get a glass of water and find her sitting in the kitchen, a cold cup of tea nearby and her mind far away.

They say her eyes are distant. Glazed. Glassy.

They say she looks blind.

That is usually enough to set a worried stone in Jane’s stomach. Of course she’s going be concerned over Joan- she was her former lady in waiting and she was so young. But, damnit all, that girl was hard to figure out!

Joan was just as clueless, really. About knowing herself. She didn’t. She didn’t know who she was outside of the memories left behind from when she served under Jane. However, before and after the queen’s death...nothing.

She just couldn’t remember.

Did she have insomnia in her past life? She wonders that a lot. Because it’s been five days and you would at least THINK she would be tired (and she is, yeah, and it hurts to stay awake, yes, but she just can’t rest, y’know?) but...sleep feels impossible.

It isn't for lack of trying. She's laid in her bed hundreds of times, under the covers, lights off (but the dark is bad. the dark is smothering. the dark is agony), eyes closed for what feels like hours. Time tends to bend and twist when all she wants to do is close her eyes and rest. Seconds always feel like minutes, and minutes are hours, and honestly, just laying in her bed waiting for sleep seems to be making her more awake, and that is completely unfair. 

She should be tired. She should be exhausted. But she just...isn’t.

Anxiety. That’s what Joan thinks is the reason her insomnia is so bad. She’s always got things she has to do as music director and if she sleeps then she loses time, and if she loses time she doesn’t get stuff done, and if she doesn’t get stuff done then people get mad.

And that is not something she wants to happen.

But there’s something else, too. A fear worse than the anxiety. Something cold and painful.

So, so painful...

Micro-sleep has set in, she realizes. Short seconds of rest because she snaps awake with enough of a jerk to give her whiplash. Like now, and she rubbed her neck after the hard flinch her entire body did.

   “Joan?”

Joan blinked away black spots and then smiled at Jane, who was standing beside the chair she was sitting in.

   “It’s time to leave, love.” Jane told her.

   “Oh!” Joan jumped up, but that makes her head spin and suddenly she feels nauseous and her legs won’t work and- is the ground getting closer...?

   “Easy,” Jane murmured and Joan realizes the queen had caught her, “Easy, honey. I’ve got you.”

   “Sorry,” Joan said quickly, straightening up.

   “Are you feeling okay?” Jane asked as if she didn’t already know about the girl’s obvious sleeping issues.

   “Yeah,” Joan answered swiftly, almost getting prickly. She always hated that question.

   “If you insist,” Jane muttered, deciding not to push it. The worry was unbearable, though. She hated seeing her Joan like this.

That’s when a light bulb went off in her head.

   “Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?”

Joan couldn’t help but perk up. She always loved being able to spend time with the queen, so, of course, she agreed.

Jane’s plan was like a bear trap and she just fell right into it.

Bear...

Trap?

Bear trap

Bear trap

Bear trap—

the screaming the blood the cold the pain it’s the only thing the only thing the HELP SOMEBODY HELP only thing she can remember but-

Joan’s crying into the casserole Jane made and she would almost laugh at how funny that sounds if her lungs weren’t knotted up and her ankle didn’t feel like it was on fire. Her chest and neck, too, but the pain wasn’t the familiar burn a panic attack caused. No, this was different. This was worse.

Actually, the humiliation is probably the thing that’s worse because all the queens were staring at her.

By the way, when did she get to Jane’s house? How long has she been there? Was her brain that muddled?

A voice cuts through the fog in her mind and cotton in her ears. A strong, yet warm voice ordering everyone out.

Then, a touch on her shoulder.

   “I froze,” She tells Jane, barely a whisper.

Jane is silent. She’s crouched beside the dining table chair, kinda like a tiger waiting to pounce.

   “I froze,” Joan repeats. “Over and over, and it’s never really over, Jane.” Jane wants to reach out and hold her, but what if she recoils from her? “You know, I’ve… I’ve seen my brother alive again, and Edward gone, and you happy, but, sometimes, you’re a distant figure I never truly get to know. And I’ve froze and I’ve froze and I’ve froze.” She’s almost sobbing now.

   “I don’t know if I’ve made it this time, if I’m home safe. I can never really remember after it ends, but it all feels so real. Too real. It’s real, Jane, it’s real-” She chokes hard and Jane has had enough. She lunges forward and pulls Joan into her arms, tucking her head under her chin and just holding her there.

   “I’m tired,” She cries into her chest, “I’m so tired, Jane.”

   “It’s okay,” Jane said into her hair. She doesn’t know if that’s true or not, but she’s finally, finally talking about it. “It’s okay, you’re safe.”

   “Am I?” Joan sobbed and Jane feels her heart shatter at that.

   “I’m here,” Jane murmured. She began to rub up and down Joan’s back, rocking her in her arms and she realizes she’s feeling the same maternal affection she thought would only be sparked by Katherine. Because of this, she dares to try something, “Mum’s here, sweetheart. Mum’s got you.”

Joan froze, but then relaxed. She hiccuped and her voice pitched when she spoke again.

   “Mama,” She whimpered and, for some reason, that felt so familiar on her tongue. She couldn’t remember her own mother, and Jane certainly couldn’t have been her biological one, but...

   “I’m right here, sweetie,” Jane told her, “I’m right here.”

Joan cries steadily for around five more minutes, several days worth of sleep deprivation and stress and misery crashing down at her with force. Eventually, her heaving breaths and sobs quiet down until she’s just hiccuping softly.

Jane shifts the girl in her arms and looks down at her. Joan is snuggled up close to her chest, out like a light after she essentially cried herself to sleep. Jane’s heart swelled a little and she gently kissed the top of her head.

However, her mind was a complete whirlwind.

Frozen?

———

      Joan awoke to a daze of warmth and dull pain. She barely got her eyes open before thunder crashes loudly and her entire body lurches in fright. Her head jerks up from the pillow and she looks around the dim room before her  eyes settle on the woman sitting on a chair beside the bed.

   “Oh, you’re awake.” Jane set aside the weaving she was working on. “That...wasn’t a long time, love. Are you still tired?”

She was. She really, really was, but she didn’t think she would get that lucky again.

Joan tried to answer, but her words came out sounding more like a wheeze that turned into coughing. Pain contorts her face as her throat is scraped raw.

   “Here-” Jane reaches her hands out and helps the girl sit up so she could get a drink from the water bottle on the nightstand. “Small sips, sweetheart. Drink slowly. You don’t want to upset your stomach.”

The tone of voice she was using made butterflies flutter in Joan’s stomach.

   “You really worried me, you know?” Jane spoke again.

Joan nodded a little. She was still for a moment before laying her head on Jane’s leg, as she was close enough. The queen’s hands hover for a moment before stroking through Joan’s messy blonde hair, soothing her further.

Suddenly, other people are in the room and Joan tensed up and Jane is loudly shushing them. Joan pries her heavy eyelids back open to see the other queens peeking in. They smile at her and she tries to smile back, but it’s thin and lopsided. Jane notices and frowns.

   “Are you okay?” She asked softly, smoothing back a rather stubborn strand of blonde hair that wouldn’t stay down on the girl’s head. Joan just shrugs shyly. “You can tell me, honey.”

   “Just a little nauseous,” Joan mumbled.

   “That’s probably from staying up for days at a time,” Parr rattled off from the doorway, “Trust me, I know. Sleep deprivation tends to make you feel a little sick because your immune system weakens and-”

   “Who needs the sheep when you can just have Cathy bore Joan to sleep?” Anne tittered in a good-natured way.

   “Sheep?” Joan questioned, looking very confused. She couldn’t tell if she had heard that right, but then she saw the smirk on Jane’s lips and got a little nervous. “M-my Lady?”

   “Get the sheep.”

Katherine ran out of the room. Joan still has no idea what they mean (to be honest, she thinks it’s some kind of torture method as punishment for crying on Jane and calling her “mama” like she was child, like she was Katherine) until a stuffed sheep is suddenly hurled at her face.

   “I got it from a shop in town,” Jane explained, “It reminded me of what I used to call you, so I bought it. Now seemed like the best time to finally give it to you.”

   “Ah.” Joan nodded and nuzzles her face against the wool of the stupid thing when nobody is looking because it means so much more than a piece of fabric with some stuffing inside.

She sinks back against Jane when the other queens eventually leave them be, eyes half lidded and breath slowing. There’s a lump in her throat but it isn’t caused by her past panic attack. She quickly tries to swallow it.

The silence lasts a few more minutes before Jane starts to hum softly, her fingers finding Joan’s hair again, an suddenly the girl feels like she might cry all over again because she can’t remember someone ever caring for her like this. Loving her the way this queen does right now.

Tears drip from her closed eyes and splatter onto Jane’s legs, but it goes unnoticed for a while and Joan holds it tight, bites down on her lip and squeezes her eyes tighter. But the tears accumulate on Jane’s pant leg and the hand rubbing up and down her side stops moving.

   “Joan?” The queen whispers, leaning over in an attempt to see Joan’s face. “Little Lamb, are you okay?”

A whimper bubbles forth at the use of the nickname and Jane’s muscles tighten in worry at it.

   “What’s wrong?”

   “No,” Joan murmured. She sits up and the tears running down her cheeks glisten in the light from the lamp. “No, nothing’s wrong. It’s right. It’s all just so right.”

Jane almost looks stunned and it makes Joan laugh weakly. She’s trying to wipe away the tears but they just keep coming.

   “I just- Thank you for taking care of me today. I’ve never… I can’t remember having something like that and- it was nice. It was really, really nice.” She said, her voice cracking and pitching at the end and the emotions overflow.

Joan wasn’t sure it was possible to crack even further, but it was the sheep plush she was clutching, the tight hug from Jane, the soft kiss pressed to her temple, the “always” whispered in her ear...

Everything about it was perfect, and she didn’t even care about the tears anymore. She just clung to the queen, knowing she was protected in her arms, knowing she was loved.

Maybe, she thought, rest would come today after all.

#so it turns out i cant write things that are only fluff #there's gotta be angst or I Will Die #also some more subtle references to my take on joan's past and death owo #six the musical #six the musical fanfic #six the musical fanfiction #joan on the keys #jane seymour #katherine howard #catherine parr #anne boleyn

[ricky4479]

Whiskey Business and an acurate portrayal of depression

So, I’m back with a bit of a controversial topic, modern Simpsons. Now, let’s make something clear here, I agree with all the people saying modern Simpsons is not as good as old Simpsons, especially the humor, which always made the Simpsons so special. Yet I have to admit that in my opinion modern Simpsons has some hidden gems, mainly in the way they portray certain topics. The episode I want to talk about here is season 24, episode 19 „Whisky Business“ and it’s portrayal of depression.

Why do I want to talk about this episode specifically? Why not season 29, episode 3 „Whistler’s father“ and it’s portrayal of child stars or season 19, episode 4 „I don’t wanna know why the caged bird sings“ and the portrayal of obsessive behavior after trauma? Well, „Whisky Business“ has always been close to my heart simply for the fact that I could identify myself in a lot of the things happening to Moe in not just this episode, but also a lot of the other episodes regarding Moe like season 14, episode 22 „Moe baby blues“ or season 3, episode 9 „Flaming Moes“.

Let’s start then. Disclaimer and trigger warning I guess, since I will interpret a lot into simple one liners or off side comments that the writers most probably meant nothing with but making a joke of the entire situation. I will also talk about abuse, depression, suicidal tendencies and a lot more in that direction, so if anything like that triggers you, you should stop reading or proceed with caution. It’s gonna get personal guys.

 So, I’m obviously only gonna talk about Moes storyline in this one and his first appearance already hit me close. Moe tries to talk to his friends, telling them he needs to talk about something important, but Homer, Lenny and Carl don’t even acknowledge his exsistence in any way, even when Moe literally calls out for help, saying things like „I’m begging you, please, please show me some love“, yelling it into the bar without any sort of response. This shows perfectly what it feels like for me when I’m asking for help. There are moments where I know I will do something to myself or have a panic attack or simply break down and I don’t want that to happen, so I reach out, may it be in subtle ways or full on approaching the situation as it is. I once had a really fucking terrible day, in fact a completely shit week and everything I wanted was for someone to show me some love, just to feel like my world isn’t breaking apart and like I’m okay, like things are going to turn out okay, so I asked my father if I could have a hug, nothing unusual to ask your dad I think. He just laughed at me and refused, jokingly asking why I’d need that and then going on about his day as normal. I felt completely invisible. I felt like I wasn’t even deserving of his attention and like he didn’t take me serious nor even listen to me at all. It really felt like yelling at someone that you need help and they don’t even realize you’re there. Like you don’t exist.

After Moe ties the noose around his neck, he sees the suicide hotline number on the wall and decides to call, giving „the new kid a chance to talk to the legend“. It’s like he’s glorifying his depression, like his reputation at that hotline is the only real thing he has ever achieved in his life and this feeling is even further enhanced when you see the pillow and blanket on the couch, almost seeming like Moe has been sleeping at his bar again, not even having an apartment. This feeling of worthlessness, having achieved nothing in your life is I think something we all have felt to a certain degree at some point.

But something that almost brought me to tears, as stupid as it sounds, was when Moe was going to go through with it, but then his phone rings and Moes face instantly lights up as he quickly picks up, answering after hesitating with a quiet and hopeful „Hello?“.

Now it’s going to get really personal because I’m going to tell you guys about something very few people know about me. I tried to kill myself on a class trip in eight grade. I’m not gonna get too into the details, but I was very agitated and stressed and I went to the only person who I trusted and asked if we could talk, but they just shoved me away, which was the last straw and pushed me over the edge. I passed out in the bathroom after a particularly bad panic attack, woke up around 45 minutes later, went into our room and was fully ready to take an entire bottle of painkillers I had packed because I’m stupid and break shit easily. In the end I snapped out of it, but I was fully ready to die in that moment. I had tried to cling to the last thing I thought could be help and it turned out to be shit. It was, similiar to Moe, the thing that inevertibly led to me almost dying and watching how Moes face lid up when he thought there was someone who cared brought me right back to when I tried to talk to that person. It was a moment I believe so many people who have gone through similiar things can relate to.

Turns out it’s just a prank call from Bart and Moe in his rage ends up falling off the chair and actually almost suffocating to death, but a bar broke and he crashed to the ground which alerted his friends, who then come running in and Homer applied CPR, saving Moes life. Moe seems happy afterwards, saying how thankful he is for another chance at life, although his „post suicide happiness“ doesn’t last very long and he goes right back to realizing how shitty the world is and how little he matters. Again something I saw myself in. On that trip after I almost od, my teacher with some classmates put on a little play and it was the funniest shit that entire trip. I was happy, I laughed, I forgot all about what had happened until afterwards. The person I trusted realized what happened, they berated me for it, took away any access to meds I had and left me alone. It wasn’t long after that I called my parents, who basically told me how they hated me for trying to be who I am and I was stuck in a house with people who hated me with a burning passion, so life wasn’t good. I felt like shit again and if I had had the oppertunity, I’d have tried again. It was again so good portrayed that it took me back and made me feel with Moe.

Marge barges in, asking Homer where the fuck he has been, Homer telling her Moe had an accident and Moe very casually says how he tried „to end it all“ but shortly after starts to cry after turning away from everyone. This very much shows how many of us, at least many of fhe people with depression I know, behave. We see it as almost normal, something that, although it impacts our lifes in the worst way possible, is just another part of us, almost like a character trait. But it’s not that, it’s hate and painful memories, feelings that shouldn’t exist, hopelessness, sadness, emptyness, it’s so much no person should feel, yet we tend to act very casually about it in public. Yet once we’re alone, it crashes, so much at once that most of the time I come home from school, the moment I close my rooms door, I start crying. It’s nothing to take casually.

Marge then decides to take Moe on a roadtrip and Moe starts joking, asking if Noosy can come too. Again, something I see in a lot of us. We joke about our depression, our lifes, things we simply shouldn’t joke about because they’re not funny, but it’s a way for many of us to deal with those intrusive thoughts, those feeling of worthlessness.

On the trip Moe is not enjoying himself because all he sees „are 2 million people happier than me“. Sometimes, even the things you love the most will seem extremely dull and pointless to you, because no matter what you do, there will always be countless people who are happier than you and suddenly you feel like you don’t deserve happiness or anything for that matter. Just like Moe feels like he doesn’t deserve the suit his friends want to buy for him, but after some encouraging Moe accepts it.

Moes new suit can be read as you changing to a „new you“, a you that is more acceptable in the eyes of society. You’re sick of society hating you, so you try to appeal to it and it works, suddenly people are nice to you, opportunities show themselves that you just have to take and for a while life seems perfect. Yes, this may not be the real you, but who cares, everything is what you always wanted and as long as you keep up the facade, it will stay this way. But facades break, or in Moes case, suits can rip. Now what is there isn’t the one everyone loved, but the one everyone hated or thought was a freak.

Moe desperately asks Marge for help and she tells him to just be himself, so he actually takes the advice, but everything just breaks apart. Moes partnership he had built with two businessmen over his self-brewed whiskey gets completely ruined since everyone seems to hate or be disgusted by suitless-Moe. It shows amazingly how it feels to have so called „friends“ turn their backs on you once you start to act more like yourself and even though you try your best to show them it’s still you, they leave.

The episode ends on a bittersweet ending with Moe returning to his normal life, only this time a bit more hopeful. He knows it’s not going to last forever, but for now life is okay, he can deal with it.

And that’s just a powerful message. No matter what happens, you will be able to take it and in the end you will emerge alive, fine. You’re going to be okay and even if everything crumbles, it’s okay, because you can rebuild it. Baby steps.

Of course the episode is trying to be comedic with all this, like a string of Moes suit getting stuck in the elevator door going down 98 floors, but to me it still presented depression in a very understandable way and managed to visually show what it sometimes feels like to have depression and to try and deal with it. In my opinion this was one of the better modern Simpsons episodes and I will always hold it dear to my heart just because of how accurately it portrays parts of depression once you scraped through the surface of bad jokes and lame punchlines.

I hope you enjoyed reading this, I hope it was understandable and please don’t cancel me just because I said I enjoyed some modern Simpsons episodes. As always, English isn’t my first language, it’s late at night, I’m dead on the inside, so please excuse any mistakes.

Stay squeaky.

#simpsons #the simpsons #Whiskey business #moe szyslak

[lemon-writings]

Hamish Update Pt. III

Genre: Literary fiction // Word count: 77,037

Here we are! Chapters VII-IX! I’ve written these chapters really recently, so I can go a little more in-depth with the process. The second half of this book (and specifically this particular trio of chapters, for some reason) is definitely the part I’m most proud of. Writing everything coming to fruition is just so satisfying. Is this what people who write books with actual plot feel like? Because it makes me consider writing books with real plot.

But in all honesty, I really enjoy writing this part of Hamish. I’m super happy with how everything’s turning out. One problem I do have with the latter half is that it is super depressing to write all the time, especially with the amount of rain we’ve been getting in Ohio right now (we love depression), so it is taking me a little longer to write than normal, since I keep sidetracking with random projects to try taking my mind off the deeper things. But when I am working on it, the words just flow. It’s beautiful.

Chapter VII

Epitaph: “I’m a strange new kind of inbetween thing aren’t I? Not at home with the dead nor with the living.”-Anne Carson, Antigone

Here is what’s been building this entire time: the funeral. That, and everything funerals entail, with the Celebration of Life and whatnot. The first time I wrote this, I read the funeral scene to my mom in full detail, and she started crying, because it reminded her of her father’s funeral. I, personally, loathe funerals, for what boils down to the fact that I am greatly horrified by being in the same room as someone who I once knew to be alive. That, and the crippling fear of death most people experience at least once in their lives.

There’s also a lot of Horacio’s... fantasies. There’s something deeply personal about the way I write him, sometimes, that makes rereading certain parts difficult. Horacio, in his darkest moments, feels he deserves bad things happening to him, nearly craves them, and he hates himself for it. The amount of self-loathing in this work is high.

Excerpts: 

Horacio, as always, is concerned about Hamish’s state of being alive, because that man always looks halfway dead, and at times, he’s more ghost than living person

The question of if you were dead or alive laid on my tongue, begging to be asked. Maybe I should’ve asked you. Maybe I should’ve checked your pulse. Maybe I should’ve laid my head on your chest and listened to your heartbeat. Maybe I should’ve left with you then and there and avoided the trap Leon kept guiding us to.

Hot take from a Farm Child: broken machinery is one of the most haunting things you can ever see. I could probably wax poetic about how terrible their beauty is, but I really don’t think anyone wants to hear about farm machines for three hours. (On a completely serious note, my uncle’s coat got tangled in a grain auger yesterday, and he could have died. Be safe around farm machinery. Please. It can be really dangerous, even if you’ve been around it for 60+ years.)

Leon’s descriptions are always some variant of men thinking being tall is intimidating. 

Leon bared his teeth once more, the animalistic beauty of it all making me wonder where Leon ended and his rage began. Primal is often used as a way to pull down others, to say you are not advanced the way I am, but Leon’s rage seemed like an advancement of humanity, a way of saying I have advanced my own humanity through my anger. He was gorgeous in the same way broken tractors on the side of the road are, monolithic kings taken over by the passage of time, their steel teeth rusty and eternal.

Did I reference “Father” by Warsan Shire? Yes. Yes, I did. Hamish is a huge Warsan Shire fan, because, like, it has his vibes. 

You recited a poem about fathers, about death, about life, speaking it as if it were scripture. When you finished, you began again. Or perhaps you never ended, speaking this poem forwards, then backwards, then repeating cyclically.

Yeet.

Chapter VIII

Epitaph: “I could be a wolf for you. I could put my teeth on your throat. I could growl. I could eat you whole. I could wait for you in the dark. I could howl against your hair.”-Catherynne M. Valente, “The Red Girl”, The Bread We Eat in Dreams

There’s a lot of plot stuff that happens in this chapter, so unfortunately, I do have to be a little shorter when it comes to this summary, but let it be said that I am not meant to be a thriller/action author. Do I enjoy watching Indiana Jones and Star Wars? Yes, I do. Should I be writing anything close to that? Absolutely not. It takes a lot of effort to do, and even with that, I would say that any sort of action scene I write is... not exactly “half-baked”, but most certainly not up to par with the rest of my writing. I’ll need to edit this chapter heavily the next time I go through Hamish.

That being said, there are moments in this chapter that I am proud of. Horacio and Ofelia’s interactions in this chapter are some of my favorites, just because they’re some of the only characters in this book who don’t violently hate/distrust each other.

Excerpts: 

When I mentioned kudzu to my mother, she mentioned it was an invasive species she’d seen a lot of during her time in the south, which just confirmed that it was a great metaphor to use. That’s always a sign, right?

I looked down at the flowers, then at her, wiser than anyone I’d ever met, the freedom ripping open her seams like something terrible and sharp, the parts of her that were so carefully cultivated spilling out of her like kudzu.

Horacio feels like he’s the only real person in a world of ghosts. The disconnect between Horacio and the people around him is heavily based upon the first time I disassociated. We watched the Blue Man Group in Chicago on a music/Spanish department trip, and the second I walked out of the building, I thought I was a freaking ghost. I had my first panic attack at 14 because I didn’t know if I was actually experiencing life. It was a wild experience.

Next to Ofelia, I looked out of place. Ofelia was hazy and magical in her presence, looking more like a dreamy memory than a real person, as if I touched her, my hand would touch only air. I was the solid type of real, unfortunately. Tall and unnaturally skinny, with a gritty, starving look to myself, the two of us next to each other were like a pastel-covered, out-of-focus impressionist painting next to a photograph of childhood labor in Industrial Revolution-era factories.

There’s also a confrontation with Leon that has some, um, spoilery moments. Leon is an asshole. I kind of love him.

Chapter IX

Epitaph: “[Grief is pain internalized, abscess of the soul. Anger is pain as energy, sudden explosion.]”-Lauren Groff, Fates and Furies

Again, there’s a lot going on in this chapter. A lot. Marcus the bodyguard makes another appearance (underappreciated character of the book) and acts as a guardian angel. Bless Marcus. Seriously.

This chapter is more introspective than the last, so I enjoyed writing it a bit more. Or... a lot more, actually. I was not created to write action scenes, and I accept my fate. Horacio’s musings on fate are long-winded and beautiful and what I’m meant to write. It’s just a chapter of him reflecting, pining, and wishing he was in a different situation. Which. Fair.

Moments like this make me realize I am a cruel god who treats her characters terribly.

Excerpts: 

Starting this chapter strong with the true weighted blanket: death.

Death cloaked me like your blanket.

As I said before, Marcus? Underutilized character. I use him as much as I can, but the plot makes it difficult to use him as much as I wish. He’s the man we deserve.

Marcus was smart, was good at playing the game we all played without making it apparent that he was playing it. He knew what he was doing. “I want the best for Hamish,” Marcus said. He looked into my eyes. “You do, too.”

Horacio takes a moment to think awful, rage-colored thoughts about the people around him, which are, of course, one of my favorite things to wax poetic about. He’s a salty man, and he has all rights to be, because this entire work is just “things to be salty about, the novel”. Poor Horace. He just wants to live in a gay daydream, but he’s stuck in a nightmare. 

(Not to sound too Midwestern, but OPE, the shade.)

These people played their sick, twisted games like gods, forcing everyone to play along for their survival while they watched and knew exactly what they were doing to the rest of us mortals around them. In that moment, I was filled with the type of righteous anger that made me understand why people were drawn to religion. I wanted a higher power to strike them down, to make an example of them all, to say don’t do this, or you’ll end up like them.

I sounded like my parents, like all the religious nuts I’d ever met, the ones who said that those who didn’t fall their doctrine were inferior, were going to die, and suffer for being different. Is that how it begins? Is anger the true root of all cruelty?

That last line, is anger the true root of all cruelty? was probably my favorite line when I first wrote Hamish. It’s sort of become a thesis statement for Horacio’s past and the way he sees the world. 

Lastly, of course, we have

The Jams

We have a fine selection of songs here, a lot from my Lucy playlist (Lucy has one of my favorite playlists I’d ever made).

Oh No!!! - grandson

Temple Priest (feat. Paul Wall & Kota the Friend) - MISSIO

Destroy Me - grandson

BTSTU - Jai Paul

Seven Devils - Florence + The Machine

Pretty Little Head - Eliza Rickman

That’s the tea, y’all. If you’re interested in this and hearing writing updates for Hamish, then ask to be added to the tags list!

#wip: hamish #writing update #amwriting #writeblr #writers on tumblr #ayyy we're in the home stretch y'all!!!

[storytime-hoe]

Tough Love Ch.10

Pairing: Daryl Dixon x O/C

Summary: Story picks up during season three as the group goes into Woodbury to rescue Glenn and Maggie from the Governor. However, they pick up another prisoner of Woodbury, Emma (O/C). She is a thief who fears friendships after her hard losses. She stays on the move, studying communities from afar and then robbing them blind. She has stayed alive this way for a while until the Governor catches her in the act. Now she finds herself with the group from the prison in a mission to kill the Governor for what he has done to her. She plans on stealing supplies from the prison group after the Governor is killed, but she might be growing a little too close to the groups members, especially one man in particular: Daryl Dixon.

Warnings: Slow burn, language, usual twd violence, mentions of abuse/rape

Authors Note: Okay so heres the sitch. This chapter is going to be really short. I am sorry for that. BUT. Here’s the thing, I just want to get something out here for you guys cause it has been too long. Again... sorry. 

I will be posting more frequently now that I’m getting some stuff finished off. So for now you’ll have to suffer with a short chapter with a cute little Beth moment. 

I wrote it rather quickly and my mind is a jumble sometimes so things that make sense to me might not make sense in the story so like again so sorry but oh well about that one. 

Previously: Ch.1   Ch.2       Ch.3       Ch.4     Ch.5      Ch.6     Ch.7       Ch.8       Ch.9

I've never felt more useless in my entire life.

Everywhere I went to try and help out around the place, I was turned down. "You need to rest up." "Get off of that leg." It was all the same damn excuse. My leg was holding me back and it got on my nerves real fucking fast.

"I am so sick of people looking at me like I'm incapable of doing anything at all!" I complained rather loudly to Beth from my bed.

Beth had come by for the past few days with Judith to keep me company. At first I was wary that she might just be being nice to me because she wanted something from me, but slowly I was warming up to her after I came to the conclusion that she meant no harm. I think maybe she was getting a little lonely too, seeing how she was cramped up in the prison all day as well.

"I can't be kept in this room all my life. I should be out there looking for the Governor."

Beth sat on the edge of the bed, rocking Judith lightly, not looking at all bothered by my sour mood. "Michonne and Daryl are out every day looking. Besides, it's just until you can run on your leg. What would happen if you came up on a hoard and couldn't get away? It's not forever, you're just being dramatic. The bullet was pretty deep, so it makes sense that it's still in bad shape."

"Fuck my leg," I pouted next to her, leaning back against the cool cement wall and crossing my arms over my chest. "Fuck Rick too. He's the reason no one will let me do fucking anything around here. He went around telling everybody that I needed to take it easy. Now they look at me like I'm a fucking three-legged puppy and tell me that it would be best if I go lie down."

I was staring out in front of me as I seethed about the situation, waiting for Beth to have a counter point and defend Rick by saying how everyone wanted me to recover fast and they were doing this for my own good and all that bullshit. But she never did. I sat up curiously and looked around at her sly grin as she patted on Judith's back. I scanned her knowing smile carefully. She was keeping something from me. She knew something that I didn't, but what the actual fuck could it be that made her smile all smug like that.

"What is it?" I demanded, bringing my legs up into the bed with me, unable to contain my absolute need to understand what was on her mind. "What do you know?"

Her eyes had a mischievous glint to them as she flicked her gaze over to me. "Wasn't Rick," was all she whispered with a slight shake of her head.

I furrowed my brow, craving more information. "Beth, what the fuck are you on about?"

"You shouldn't use that language around the baby," she said in an attempt to quickly change the subject.

I rolled my eyes and shook her arm lightly. "Beth. Come on."

She still had that soft grin on. The one that I was fighting not to hate right now. "Daryl told everyone not to let you do anything. Everyone here basically worships him too, so they listen without question when they get an order from him."

I blinked at her twice, not trusting what I had just heard. Daryl was the reason people were treating me like a child? He was the reason I was going crazy inside these cement walls. It was not his damn place to control what I did. I was so furious at him that I hadn't realized the death grip I had on Beth until she squirmed away from me. I quickly apologized and stood up, ready to wait for Daryl to return from his Governor hunting so I could give him an ear full.

I was so overwhelmingly furious that Daryl was the one to betray me like this. He knew damn well that I was itching to get back out there and he was torturing me in his own sick little way. Fuck him. All good thoughts I had had about him flew from my mind in an instant. I didn't care that he was there to comfort me on the night of my panic attack. I didn't care about how good I felt when I was with him sometimes, like when I woke up strewn across him. The only thing I could think of was that he had done this to me as a way to drag at me. He saw me at my weak points, and he was making sure everyone else was seeing it too. That arrogant little fuck.

"I'm gonna kill that son of a–"

"Emma, stop." Beth was off the bed right after me. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me away from the door before I could march out and make an even bigger fool of myself than Daryl already had. "Don't you think it's... I don't know... sort of sweet?"

"Sweet?!" I exploded. Beth had lost her damn mind. The only time he ever did anything close to sweet for me was the panic attack incident. Even then he didn't want to stay with me, he had wanted to get Maggie and be rid of the situation. I only made him stay because I couldn't stand for more people to know how weak I was being then, and he only stayed because he owed me for being his shoulder to cry on when Merle died. Beth didn't understand that his way of thinking was not something to call sweet when it came to me. I was still set on the conclusion that he was punishing me.

Beth giggle and guided me to sit back down. "He cares about you, Em. Come on, don't be dense. Everyone sees the way he looks at you."

I blinked at her stupidly, my anger sizzling down. "And how's that?" I said with a snarl.

She was looking down, her eyes glistening with a strange wonder. "No one knows a lot about him or his past, but he had a shit home life, that's no secret. And when he looks at you, it's like he's found what's been missing, like he has finally found someone that feels like home."

I swallowed thickly. We all knew he had had a shit life before the world ended. He was practically raised by Merle who would drag him into all kinds of messed up shit. So, it made sense that he was searching for someone he felt was solid in his life. But there was no way in hell that person was me. Did I even want it to be me? No, it couldn't be me.

"It's not true, Beth." I didn't sound as convincing as I would have liked. "Look at me. I'm not the type of person that guys care about like that. I don't even look nice. He's not interested in a piece of shit like me."

She met my eyes with a mesmerizing look. "I didn't say he liked you because you looked nice. Emma, you are art. Art isn't supposed to look nice. It's supposed to make you feel something."

I wanted to deny it until I was blue in the face, but the more she talked the more I thought it could be true. We may fight like cats and dogs, but he has told me before he'd protect me always. He was talking about from the Governor, but maybe that's what he was doing now. He was protecting me from getting myself hurt more or worse. After years of protecting other people, I wasn't used to being on the other side of things.

As much as I wanted to whoop his ass right now for sentencing me to do nothing at all, I couldn't bring myself to do it. After all those years of fighting, I, for once, was being fought for. And it made me feel those annoying little tingles of excitement and it also scared the shit out of me at the same time.

What was I even supposed to do with this new information? It wasn't like I was going to jump into his arms and we would ride off into the sunset. The only reason we were drawn to each other was because we were both recently broken apart; people who go through deep shit tend to migrate towards each other. We might look out for one another and always have each others backs, but it was just a friendship– a strong bond. There was nothing I was going to do to change that and Daryl sure as hell wasn't going to be making any kind of move either. Because even if Beth claimed he looked at me like every girl wants to be looked at, that was just her fantasizing about it in her optimistic rainbow loving mind.

And that was that.

***

Taglist:

@daryldixonandfrogs @jodiereedus22 @xchrisxevansx

#daryl dixon #twd daryl #daryl dixon fanfiction #twd #twd fanfiction #the walking dead #the walking dead fanfiction #the walking dead imagine #daryl x reader #daryl x oc #daryl dixon imagine #norman reedus #norman reedus daryl #reader x daryl dixon #daryl dixon x reader #daryl dixon fan fic #the walking dead daryl #the walking dead daryl dixon #the walking dead norman reedus #the walking dead fan fic

[niteshade925]

EMH and House of Leaves Pt.1:  References/Details/Parallels

WARNING:  If you haven’t at least seen the Night Mind summaries of EMH or read HoL, and don’t want spoilers, then please stop reading now.  I won’t be spending a lot of time explaining HoL either (too long), so it would be best if you already read HoL.

************MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD**************

(I’m probably just reading too deep into it.  If I sound like I’m talking nonsense, that’s probably true.)

Not a lot of people have touched on the many, many references to House of Leaves (HoL) within the series, so I’m going to just point out all the connections I can catch.

And just to clarify, while I do think there are connections and parallels, I think the parallels only apply to a degree:   just to some characters, some aspects.  When you look at them both as a whole and try to compare them, then it doesn’t really make sense.

Meaning of House:  

It’s pretty well established now that the “Leaves” in the title of HoL can refer to paper, making the “House” the book itself.  In “Bridge to Nowhere” (Tribetwelve), HABIT’s sarcastic “let’s run from him (HABIT) in his own house” can very well be interpreted the same way, but with this “house” being the EMH show.  However, I do not think the “house” here is truly his, and I will come back to this later.

The Growing and Shifting of the House/ Impossible Geometry:  

In HoL, the House on Ash Tree Lane contains an impossible dark maze that changes its layout constantly (presumably based on the changing mindset of the person trapped within).  In EMH we experience this first hand in the video “The property”, where Vinny goes to different houses just by walking through them, as if the house was changing its own layout and appearances.

The METAness of “Authorship”:  

Self-explanatory.  Either way you look at the theories in HoL, they all theorize that Zampano, Johnny Truant, or Pelafina is the author of the entire book, when in fact it is Mark Z. Danielewski who is the actual author in the real world.  EMH is the same, except as of the latest video, the possibility that HABIT is the editor and director in-universe is being called into question.

Iterations and Mazes:  

Everyone knows how the iterations work in EMH so I’ll skip to HoL.  In HoL, there’s no iterations, but there are mazes.  And what’s more, the maze IS the house.  Remember that the book is the house?  “a=b=c, therefore a=c”.  The book is also the maze.  The entire fiction is the maze where the characters wander about, progressing their story.  EMH is the same.  The iterations repeat, always ending in Hamlet-esque tragedy (“everyone dies, the end”), like a tragic play production performing over and over again, with small bits tweaked here and there each time, except the characters are trapped inside.  The EMH series, the EMH “house”, is a maze.  It’s also a maze with ash-colored walls.  Which brings us to………..

Ashes, Ashes everywhere:  

Oh boy is it everywhere.  In EMH there's Ashen wasteland (presumed to be Centralia after the mine fire disaster), Ashland (an actual town just south of Centralia), and “half acre of ash” (first brought up by Stephanie and now the title of a video).

In HoL there's Ashtree lane (where the house is), there's the ash-colored hallways of the ever-changing maze within the house, and there's the Yggdrasil mentioned at the very end, which is an ash tree.  Personally, I believe the “ashes” in EMH is more of a clue that we should look to HoL for direction, but nothing more, since it does not have the connections to ash trees like HoL does.

Found Footage/ Cinema Vérité:

Page 4 of The Navidson Record (TNR) in HoL:  

“The Navidson Record did not first appear as it does today.  Nearly seven years ago what surfaced was ‘The Five and a Half Minute Hallway’--a five and a half minute optical illusion barely exceeding the abilities of any NYU film school graduate.  The problem, of course, was the accompanying statement that claimed all of it was true.”

That is basically a description of the found footage horror genre.  Read the beginning of House of Leaves and you will find that its description of TNR is stunningly similar to EMH.  To quote bits from the first chapter:

“Where one might expect horror, the supernatural, or traditional paroxysms of dread and fear, one discovers disturbing sadness, a sequence of radioactive isotopes, or even laughter over a Simpsons episode” (HoL page 3)

“The structure of ‘Exploration #4’ is highly discontinuous, jarring, and as evidenced by many poor edits, even hurried.  The first shot catches Navidson mid-phrase.” (HoL page 5)

“There are several more shots.  Trees in winter.  Blood on the kitchen floor.  One shot of a child (Daisy) crying.” (HoL page 5)

So, jarring structure.  Sometimes continuous shots.  Sometimes all jump cuts.  Very documentary-like to give a realistic quality.  Home video-esque feel.  Disregarding the different plot/story, stylistically EMH is practically TNR brought to life.  And when you add in the ARG element of EMH, it becomes more interesting:  perhaps EMH is just like TNR of the book.  And I will be expanding on this idea in my theory.

Fictional Sources

This is more of a META aspect thing.  The Navidson Record in the HoL world was said to be nonexistent, 100% fiction.  The characters, the interviews of the characters in TNR…...also pure fiction in the HoL world.  Now think about the Corenthal papers, the articles…...they are a part of the ARG, and therefore also 100% fiction.

Unreliable Narrators

Also self-explanatory.  In EMH, neither HABIT nor Vinny are completely honest with the audience in their videos.  And in HoL there are three:  Johnny (lies, mental illness), Zampano (if he’s the author), and Pelafina (mental illness, and if she’s the author).

L’esprit de L’escalier

It’s a French phrase for “spirit of the staircase”, meaning thinking of the perfect response but it’s already too late.  In the EMH episode titled with this phrase, Evan met Vinny as himself (temporarily released by HABIT) for the first time after the killing spree happened.  In HoL, the phrase comes in page 72 of TNR, in Johnny’s footnotes:  

“Now though, I realize what I should of said--in the spirit of the dark; in the spirit of the staircase--

‘Known some call is air am’

Which is to say --

‘I am not what I used to be’”

This quote comes right after Johnny’s account of his first major panic attack from fear, where he accidentally made a mess at the tattoo shop he worked at because of his panic episode.  Curiously, something (presumably the monster whose presence he felt) also put a long bloody scratch on the back of his neck.  When asked, he said nothing, but the above quote was what he think he should have said, in retrospect.  This matches up exactly with the meaning of the phrase.  

The phrase also appeared in page 618 in original French, but I can't see any connection there in terms of plot or meaning.

And although the phrase didn’t make a lot of sense to me as the title of the EMH episode, it does now.  The connection here is the line “I am not what I used to be”.  That was the whole gist of what Evan wanted to tell Vinny.  At the time of the episode, Evan has now become the “danger” due to being HABIT’s favorite human puppet, has already committed atrocities under HABIT’s control, and received the healing factor that made him unable to die.  Evan is not what he used to be.

Guns, Rifles, and Insanity

I don't think I've seen HABIT actually use a gun except that clip where he pointed one at the back of Vinny's neck.  HABIT’s thing has always been about blades:  knives, saws, chainsaws, etc.  But now a gun is becoming relevant.  Two characters in HoL also resorted to guns as their sanity deteriorated:  Holloway and Johnny.  The former accidentally shot and killed one of his two companions before he killed himself with it, and the latter’s fate is unknown.  There are two theories:  Johnny died, though not by the gun; and Johnny lived because he’s finally freed from the burden of putting the book together.

The North Star.

North Star has become prominent in the latest videos of EMH.  And it is also present in the book.  The cover of the book has a red and yellow symbol (probably a compass rose) that looks like a North Star.  Page 29 mentions the North Star by name, calling the lamp in the children's room the North Star.  Vinny found the North Star drawing within Fairmount, where the Mining Town Four spent their iteration as kids.  

Page 545 of the book has a more alarming message, however:  

“Stars to live by.  Stars to steer by.  Stars to die by.”  

And by “all good things”, this has been confirmed.  HABIT and Vinny both died in this iteration by the knife and gun with the North Star branded on them.  

So is it a coincidence that the EverymanHYBRID symbol looks like a North Star?  I don’t think so.  The EMH story was meant to end in tragedy all along.

The Radiation Detector

Yes, in TNR, Navidson also had a radiation detector that ticked .  And the following quote:  

“Navidson turns to the time telling tick of radioactive isotopes to deny the darkness eviscerating him from within” (HoL page 381)

Evan doesn’t really try to “deny” the darkness (HABIT) within him in “Sigma”, but of course, there’s still purple duct tape on his bandage.

The Quote Jeff Circled

“Why did god create a dual universe?  

So he might say,

‘Be not like me, I am alone.’

And it might be heard” (HoL page 45)

This quote, by itself, is confusing as hell.  One has to put it in context of the chapter to make any sense of it, just for the book alone.  The chapter it appears in, nicknamed the “Echoes chapter”, is one of the most important chapters of HoL.  Basically it explores the concept of echoes, what it is, what it implies, in various different aspects.  Echoing is indicative of a closed, finite space, and there are no echoes in infinite space.  Echoing can also create a sort of illusion that someone is there, repeating your words.  So the quote above can mean the loneliness of god, the duality that comes with echoes, the universal need for social interaction, the universal need to be individuals,.........etc etc.

The “be not like me, I am alone” part also came up on Steph’s blog.

This quote, I haven’t quite figured out what it really means in the context of EMH, but I have a guess.  

Leaning Against a Tree

Just an interesting bit I’ve noticed that might have some significance.  In the end of HoL, if you believe Johnny died, then he died leaning against an ash tree.  Holloway also died leaning against the ash-en walls of the maze, by gun, although it was suicide (the book also talks about Holloway suffering for a minute after he shot himself).  Both HABIT and Vinny died leaning against a tree in “All good things”.  Hmm.

Apartment 3103 and the abyss

In the climax of TNR, Navidson is trapped within the endless abyss of the maze, where the ashen walls and floor disappear gradually until he’s on a small platform, with only a book to keep him company.  Navidson was literally in an endless isolation chamber.  Sounds very much like Vinny when he was trapped in Apartment 3103 for two years.

Can You See The Words

This one has been covered by the EMH wikia.  CYSTW does have a formatting style similar to HoL.

Water, Drowning, and Insanity

In earlier videos (hidden videos), Evan has been shown to be drowning in water.  There were also clips of flooding.  In HoL, the person who talks about drowning and the hopelessness of it is Johnny.  As Johnny spirals downward mentally, both the number of times he mentions drowning go up, each time with greater detail.  Water here is symbolic of madness.

Interestingly, water is also crossed out in CYSTW, similar to passages about the Minotaur in HoL.  The Minotaur is the imaginary monster in the house/maze.  This gives weight to the theory that HABIT was just Evan’s insane alter ego.

Falsity of Images

Page 527 of HoL has the following quote:  

“they (images) may be heartwarming but what they imply rings false.”

As of “All good things”, this quote becomes very interesting when applied to Vinny.

CYSTW and The Whalestoe Letters

Steph’s blog is very reminiscent of The Whalestoe Letters section in HoL.  The cryptic messages, the way her character feels like Pelafina.

Finding Fairmount/ Finding Whalestoe

Johnny’s journey to find Whalestoe (HoL pages 503-504) is very similar to Vinny’s journey to find Fairmount.  Whalestoe was a mental institute, where Johnny’s mother, Pelafina, use to live.  When Johnny got there, however, the institute has long been abandoned, with graffiti on the walls.  Just like Fairmount.

“This is no longer their game.  Consider yourself marked.”

This message could only be found by tilting the screen while looking at Steph’s blog.  In HoL, at least one of Pelafina’s letters are entirely in code, and one letter leaves decoding instructions.

And finally, a note on the META aspect

In HoL, TNR is discussed among scholars who wrote works after works arguing over details in the film.  Taking into account that EMH is like TNR…..and everyone who took part in the ARG or discussed EMH theories, including me and this post, also becomes part of the story.  It’s pretty crazy.

#emh #house of leaves #part 1

[relucant]

i am legit so terrified my mother is going to give herself a stroke before i escape in a week. and because she cares about nothing except her own anxiety and the cat, despite my begging her in literal tears to help put a plan in place for what happens to my father if that does happen, to the shock of no one, she has done zero to make that happen even a little.

i mean, the cat is sick, which obviously puts her even more on edge than always -- i love the cat more than life itself and i would take a bullet for him in an instant, but he is pretty much her therapy animal and the only thing keeping her even remotely tethered to this earth. and he’s 11, and has liver problems, so yeah. it’s scary. but like, it’s also basically textbook UTI -- which last week at the vet, even before he started feeling sick, the vet was like “i’m going to go ahead and test him for a UTI, i think it might be possible.” i hate it when people are like “oh, it’s okay, he’ll be fine!” because maybe he won’t be, and that’s terrifying, but also like... the cat’s having some intestinal ickiness and doesn’t feel good isn’t quite apocalyptic yet.

and my father is garbage to be in the same room as, absolutely, but like... there’s also ways to cope somewhat with him, and she just is in such a constant spiral of literally paralytic anxiety that she just... won’t do absolutely anything to make her life slightly less miserable even it requires changing her behavior even a tiny bit.

“he just... he just came in here earlier, and just, i had all the magazines stacked up on the chair, and he just picked them up and threw them on the bed!” okay yeah, because he’s an asshole with dementia, but like, can you tell him not to do that? “stop attacking me!”

having a full-on panic attack, sucking in breaths, finally gasping out, “he- he came in here, and he said he was going to do laundry!” while bursting into full sobbing. “he- he can’t do his laundry! he doesn’t use bleach, and he- he just throws his underwear full of shit into the laundry!” yeah dude, that’s fucking awful. but erupting in earsplitting shrieks of “NO YOU CAN’T FUCKING WASH YOUR UNDERWEAR YOU HAVE A PAIR BECAUSE I JUST FUCKING CHECKED” well, have you considered, “no, don’t, they need to be bleached, i’ll do it tomorrow.” 

obviously, “calm down” has never made any situation better in the entire history of anything, ever. and her situation sucks. mine is probably worse in the immediate, because i have two parents who don’t know or care that, like, i’m a human being and not their maid/emotional support punching bag, respectively, but i have a way out, and she doesn’t, so that’s awful. and it’s going to be awful, at least until he dies, but again, like, it doesn’t have to be absolutely, intentionally as horrifying awful as it can possibly be, because making anything a little better would require her, like, doing something.

i keep trying to get on her case about looking into, like, actually getting treatment for her crippling anxiety disorder, even though i’ve been on this futile merrygoround for at least a decade and the circle never changes, because she’s so wrapped up in her cocoon of anxiety i don’t think she wants it to change.

every single time i bring up the possibility of just talking to someone about how bad it is -- like, i dunno, her shrink to start with, who it’s a miracle i even finally got her to go to that even, and i am dubious she’ll continue after i leave, even though she likes her shrink and also her shrink will come to the house, or even just her GP, who she also likes -- she just immediately reverts into, like, “well, maybe i should just start taking my xanax every day again.” no like, dude, that’s like... not a treatment for chronic anxiety. “well it says anxiety on the bottle.” yes. for like... a plane trip.

this exact back and forth has happened probably 50+ times, and she just deletes it and reuses it over and over.

“but -- but i don’t want to quit drinking! i can’t, not right now with what’s going on!” like honestly fair enough, that train has left the station. so like... okay, don’t. if you go to a doctor who refuses to treat you unless you quit drinking, like... go to a different doctor. i asked my shrink, and she’s kinda like yeah, obviously, drinking isn’t great on psych meds, but for most anxiety meds, it mostly just decreases their effectiveness (and don’t drive, which she doesn’t anyway), not kill you, and still probably better than nothing.

and then after the xanax response, and then the drinking response, she just shuts down any further attempt at the conversation and starts crying about whatever asshole thing my father last did, which she completely did not in any way at any time ask or tell him to, like, not do that. until she’s so upset she starts banshee shrieking at him for doing a thing she never once told him not to do. (or vice versa)

and i realized the other night that what gets to me so much (among a million other things) is like... the exact shitty ways he behaviors towards her, and that she comes sobbing to me about, are like... unsettlingly similar to ways she behaviors towards me, if in different ways.

like, come into her room, sit down, talk blankly at her about stupid shit and then get annoyed when she tries to actually respond? kiiinda like every time she comes into my room, sits down, complains to me about the exact same thing she complained about last night, and then gets upset when i try to have a back and forth conversation.

“he just -- he just says the same thing, over and over! five times in the last two days if we have money for the gardener! he’s asked me twice today what the baby’s name is! he told me three times he’s going to go get the mail! it’s like talking to a r*tarded toddler!” (excuse that word, not sure how to rephrase)

yes mom, and that’s the 10th time this week you’ve said it’s like talking to a toddler, and i’ve said yes, it is like talking to a toddler, because he has dementia, he cannot form new memories, and two minutes later you just wail that it’s like talking to a toddler, again.

and the cycle continues, because i know perfectly well it’s as pointless to think there’s any chance of her making any significant changes in her behavior or grasp on her mental health, any more so than my father whose brain is nearly chewed up and spat out by now. but she’s still in there just enough that i can’t help feeling like i could almost get through to her if i could figure out how. and when she’s not near my father, like when we were up in new jersey with my brother and sister in law and baby nephew, her anxiety abated to the point that lke, yeah, she still had a meltdown when faced with like, a single step, despite being surrounded by three able-bodied adult humans, but overall, mentally, was like at like 70% a fairly normal elderly woman, kinda dotty but doting on her grandchild and puppies and basking in at least one of her children turning out with an apple pie life (about 15 years later, but still pretty perfect). and so i’m haunted by all the what-ifs, what if she can just survive until my father dies and she’ll be okay, so maybe i can still help, so maybe i should keep trying, even though i know, i know, i know.

and i try to keep in mind that it’s also easier for me because, like, my father more or less likes me, as a person -- i don’t think he’s ever loved me, or is capable of love (except for our pets, which honestly is a fairly big redeeming factor, i suppose) but he thinks i’m interesting, and my brother, and that if he was manipulated into having kids by whatever the hell he used to do, his resentment of our existence is tempered somewhat by the fact that he’s kinda pleased with how we turned out, and i have one or two pleasant memories of sitting on the trunk of his old car as a small child pointing out the pleiades, or drunkenly reciting ts eliot on the kitchen floor. my mother does not get that leeway; he thinks (or acts, at least) that since he did his duty and got married and procreated, her entire existence should be devoted to his convenience -- not even comfort, just convenience, and making herself exist as little as possible.

which plays into the cycle again because then i, unfairly, resent my mother for that more than him, because it genuinely did not occur to me even as a precocious kid that fathers were supposed to, like, love their children until i was at least in middle school if not later; it still jars me sometimes, bitterly, when i see dads who are just like in love with their kids. but my mom was my mom, so as it became clear that she never actually wanted to, like, parent anyone either, she’s the one my hurt and pissiness channels to.

anyway if anyone actually read all of this, i know i say the same shit over and over about this, but it’s so complicated not many of the few people i talk to one on one know what’s going, and i don’t want to over-vent, but i feel like i’m about to claw my skin off with the anger and frustration and regret, so thanks.

in a funny-scary sign-off, so i finally convinced my mother to get a mini-freezer so i can stock it full of real food before i bounce to eurasia next week, and it came today; instructions said to let it sit for a few hours after getting it in place before plugging it in, so i hauled it into a convenient dining room corner and forgot it. fast forward i come out to the kitchen to check on the huge vat of minestone soup i’m making and my father is lumbering triumphantly out of the kitchen pantry with a frayed probably 40 year old extension cord in his hand.

i blink at him, immediately concerned. he’s like, “i think i’ll go ahead and hook up that new... thing-a-ma-jig! ‘cause the thing on the plug, it’s got the three things [prongs], but the things in the walls, they’ve only got the two things! so i’m gonna just go ahead and plug it in here!”

i’m like, “NONONONONONONO!” because like (a) common sense and (b) the manual was specifically like do not do NOT use an extension cord, and if you MUST make ABSOLUTELY SURE it has these EXACT SPECIFICATIONS and is IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM SOME DECREPIT CORD-SNAKE YOU DUG OUT OF THE DUSTY BOWELS OF YOUR KITCHEN PANTRY (i may have exaggerated that last bit). he’s like what?? i explain that to him, in fewer words, and that i in fact have an adapter specifically to convert two-prong to three-prong.

he’s mystified, demands explanation of how that works; i try to elaborate, that i put the two prong end in the wall and plug the freezer into the three-prong end, and just blank looks. “well i don’t think that’s going to work, i think we should just use this.” i just kinda take it, tell him i’ve got it under control, ignore his aggrieved hissing, and walk away.

i go to tell my mom this, because like gallows humor or gtfo i guess -- she’s like jesus even i realize that’s not a good idea -- and only then do i realize that the extension cord he had so proudly produced was in fact a two prong... to a two prong. so either he didn’t notice that, or more likely, just intended to jam the two prongs into the extension cord and just leave the third prong kinda just... out.

and it’s sad as hell, because dude was an electrical engineer who worked at the absolute cutting-edge of the aerospace industry, like literally worked on apollo 11 at cape canaveral and dementia has eaten his brain to the point he doesn’t understand plugs. but. sometimes you take the laughs where you can get it.

anyway one week one day from right now my plane takes off so please can just like (a) my cat (b) my mother and (c) my father hang on that long (in that order) until i have enough distance to get my fucking head on straight again for a tiny little bit.

#not spn #personal #long long rant #family #dementia #anxiety #alcoholism #am trying not to punch a thing

[queer-ii]

I Need Advice, Please

Here is my situation;

(TW; racial stuff, rape, molestation, abuse, self harm)

My parents are super racist

This is pretty ironic since only one of my parents is white, and I'm a mixed child. They often say things like "this area has gotten so ghetto" when anyone that isn't white is around. They told me when we moved that they looked for a school that was "predominantly white so you will get better education, and we won't need to worry about the other students' behavior." They even speak about other mixed kids and praise the lighter skinned as "good mixes" while shaming those who inherit darker tones.

My parents are super sexist

They often say things like "you need to marry rich" to me and it's just horrific. Considering they're both women. They'll often slut shame anyone who is open about their sexuality, they justify any actions a guy does to a woman because "guys are more rough." It just pisses me off. I'm honestly too tired to write out all the stupid shit they said here, so I'll just leave you with that.

My family is abusive

They are very big about hitting, beating, throwing down, throwing things, and so on. They were the kind of people that forced me to eat my food from the trash can as a child because I was a picky eater and would try to throw it away--they also threatened to force me to eat my vomit if I ever threw up. I don't think I can recall every belt, broom, mop, or wooden object that has been broken over me, but I can assure you it's a lot. It got to a point where my father sprained my leg and yelled at me for limping on it because it impeded on my ability to continue my chores. I was nine.

There's also the emotional stuff. They'll be cruel to me in so many ways. For example, they would praise my brother--he's the favorite--for things that I do. There's also times like when I was sent to suicide watch, where my mother clung to my arm and made everything about her. My father yelled at me the entire time. They're both manipulative as fuck, for instance they will try to buy my affection and trust, and then the next day throw everything I own away(which they have done numerous times.) They're controlling. I haven't been allowed outside on my own in almost five years. Then there's examples like the most recent time my father kicked me out of the house. They blamed me and claimed I was a runaway, yelling at me for not answering my phone. Right after kicking me out, my father had taken my phone and thrown it down the hallway, away from me. Just to give you an idea of that. And I don't even want to get started on my brother.

My parents are transphobic to nonbinary folk

They equate nonbinary folk to drag queens and girls who like to wear pants. They like to shout about how their existence is fake and a cry for attention. When I came out as nonbinary(which was over four years ago) they ignored it until it was right in their face. Then they yelled at me and did as they always did--push unnecessary arguments that don't make sense and punish me for not being who they wanted as a child. That's an entirely different story, about the time they told me they would have forced me to be female, even if I wasn't born as one.

My parents are transphobic to anyone who is under the age of 20

It's bad enough that they don't respect the fact that I am trans. They disrespect EVERYONE. All of my friends. Kids younger than me. You name them--my parents will ignore it.

My father--WHO IS A TRANS WOMAN--also doesn't like "new age" trans folk for having plans on how to transition(such as when to start horomones after taking blockers for younger kids). For not experiencing the same prejudice--like being forced through shock therapy. For killing themselves over something "so small" when peers push them too far. From what I gather, her mentality is "How DARE you not suffer as much as I did? You haven't earned the right of passage."

I have known I was trans since I was very young. It took me time to know just what it meant, but I have known since I was in elementary school. Yet both of my parents like to remind me that I'm not trans--because I couldn't possibly understand what it means to be trans.

My parents are narcissistic

They really enjoy complaining about everyone else's behavior, and then do the exact fucking thing they were complaining about. My mother brags constantly and acts like everyone around her is a child that doesn't have basic knowledge. My father down plays everyone's achievements--including the fact that I have written over a dozen books while she's only finished one--and says that they will never be good enough.

My parents ignore me and do not respect me

They will ignore nearly everything I have said. They ignore me when I try to show them something important to me. They ignore me when I ask them to stop calling me things like "baby" or "lovies" or even any of the countless insulting nicknames they've come up with for me.

Then there's the bullying. They will sit there and pick apart every detail about me. My hair? Ahh, that looks stupid, let's mock it and laugh! My stomach is visible? Better remind our child to suck it in! Keep in mind with that last example; I'm the skinnest one in my family.

Oh! And then there is the family business. Once, back when I first joined Tumblr and tried to reach out for help after I realized I had been molested and raped for years as a child--it suddenly became the family scandal, and I had to hide in my room for hours because EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Of my relatives was calling to ask why I would ruin his life (I'm not going to say who it was, but know it was a family member). Keep in mind, my account was not open to anything they would have normally seen. No, instead my parents have a list of all of my accounts and passwords. They have access to my original email. And they demand to have the passwords to every other account I've made.

I'm financially under the thumb of my parents

When I turned 18, the funds from my previous work was moved into an account I had access to. However, my mother made sure that HER name was on the account, so I cannot close it without her permission or remove funds without her knowledge. In the time from when I lost my first job to the time I gained access to my bank account, about a thousand dollars went missing. Anyone want to guess where it went?

My parents prevent me from seeking help for my mental problems--and will chastise me for having them

Ever since I can remember I have been punished for crying. I have become more than aquainted with the phrase "You want to cry? I'll give you something to cry about." Except i was almost always crying because of what they'd already done to make me cry. I've had panic attacks regularly since I was seven years old because of them. Fuck, I've had nervous breakdowns increasingly too.

Then there's the time they found out about the years of sexual abuse--which, by the way, I confided in a friend online about, and they learned of it by snooping through my accounts. They sent me to therapy because they thought I was lying and was trying to ruin his life. I was not allowed alone in the room with the therapist. I was barely allowed to talk. All of it was everyone screaming at me and saying things like "you want to ruin him? Send him to prison for the rest of his life? Is that what you want?" Or things like "you want to sue him, right? No? Then he must not have done anything wrong." Think of a ten or eleven year old going through that. I would also like to mention that I contracted a urinary tract infection from it--something commonly caused by not urinating after sex. And they ignored it until I was clawing the skin off my arms from the pain.

Then there is the time I was sent to suicide watch by my former high school. I was punished for being sent there. I was punished for self harming. I was guilt tripped and yelled at for feeling so stressed that I needed to cut--and they ignored me when I asked to seek help because I actually cut when nothing fells real, and only the pain could make me see what was real and what wasn't.

Keep in mind, I am now a legal adult. I was unable to emancipate myself because I have no where to go. I have no money, I have been unable to find a job, and I unfortunately still live with them.

I would also like to bring up that I can't bring charges against them. I can't contact police about any of this. I don't have any proof anymore besides my word against theirs, and even if I did, there are other reasons of why I can't. It will impact how people view trans women. It will impact how people see interracial couples. It will impact how people see two women raising children. Those people who like to think abusive childhoods cause lgbt kids because of how many experience it. With the struggle of people barely accepting the community--if at all--I can't put people through that because of what they did to me. It wouldn't be fair.

What can I do?

#bisexual #lgbt #ftm #pansexual #transgender #mtf #gay #lesbian #ftm transgender #trans #in the closet #asexual #ftm transman #lgbtq #lgbt+ #advice #please give me advice #abuse #emotional abuse #child abuse #abuse tw #triggers #mental illness #mental health #mental disorder #mentally ill #mentally unstable #ptsd #ptsd recovery #my life

[cupcakezys]

Prompt Ten

I live! Sorry for disappearing, real life kicked my ass for a little while there. To make up for it, I present you a super long, two-part prompt! Hope you enjoy. Next chapter should be out soon - most of it is already typed up.

Prompt: "Ah. There seems to only be one bed."

Pairing: US Sans x SF Papyrus (Spicyberry/BBQTacos)

Word Count: 3598.

Warnings: Kidnapping, Mentioned Character Death, Mild Panic Attack.

Read on AO3: here.

First: here.

Previous: here.

Next: Let's aim for the 16th.

Blue had thought traveling to the neighboring kingdom would be a boring task, even with the strange new monsters King Asgore had sent to accompany him providing some violent conversation along the way.

Blue was wrong.

Shouting filled the air outside of Blue’s carriage, followed closely by the clang of steel on steel. Blue pulled himself up from where he had fallen, helping his dazed handmaid to sit. They had both gone flying at the sudden lurch of the carriage. Blue had crashed into the soft cushions of the other seat, though his ribs ached from the wooden edges. His handmaid seemed to have crashed into the wall, his height causing him to miss the cushions entirely.

“Pirates! Protect the King!”

Blue flinched at the loud cry right outside his door. Pirates. Of course this kingdom had pirates. Blue knew his own kingdom differed greatly from the ones surrounding it, but he hadn’t realized there were still pirates lurking around. Especially not this far inland!

He glared slightly at the door to his carriage. The quiet pleading of his handmaid to stay put went ignored as he summoned a small bone in one hand and opened the door with his other.

Utter chaos greeted him. The majority of his guard – six skilled fighters, all handpicked by King Asgore himself to bring him safely to the other’s castle – lay still on the ground. Only two remained fighting, a small skeleton like himself and a tall dog monster. As he watched, a human, so small they had to be a child, snuck up behind the fighting skeleton. Before he could do more than open his mouth the other was knocked down, the dog monster falling a second later. Both lay still.

A flash of red was all the warning he got before he was dragged from the carriage. He swung his bone attack upwards, slicing blue scales before it was wrenched out of his grasp. He gasped as his hands were forced behind his back by an iron grasp.

A strangled yell came from the other side of the carriage, and Blue watched in horror as his handmaid was dragged into the open by a tall human. The tall skeleton wasn’t even struggling, his gaze focused on the guards littered on the ground. Blue shook, refusing to look for fear of seeing dust and shattered souls in place of his guards.

His sockets widened when the human pulled out a sharp knife and rose it to the back of the tall skeleton’s skull. He shoved against his capture, managing to slip free of the hold.

“Stop!” He commanded.

He raised one hand as he ran forward, engulfing the knife in blue and wrenching it away from his handmaid’s skull. The human grunted as their hand was forced back, and he could hear the monster behind him cursing. The other skeleton finally turned to him, the smallest hint of tears in his sockets.

Blue stood as tall as he could between the pirates and the other skeleton. He could barely think straight, the only thoughts circling in his mind seemed to be an endless pleading of no, not another one, please let no one else die here, please-

The monster that grabbed him gave him a calculated look. He did his best to keep his face free of any expression, but it was hard with his soul churning in his ribcage. The human glared at him, rubbing their wrist where his magic still fizzed slightly. He refused to feel guilty, the knife still clutched in their hand a stark reminder of what would have happened had he not intervened.

“Leave him be. He’s no threat to you.” He stated, shifting slightly as more pirates gathered around them.

A shark monster, very closely resembling the monster that had grabbed him, laughed slightly under her breath. The human from before chuckled and shook their head, knife held firmly in their hand. Blue glared, and prepared to fight the pirates himself, despite knowing there was no way even he could take on this many alone.

The fish monster that had grabbed him snorted and gestured to the other pirates. “Enough. Take them both.”

Several of them looked shocked, but nodded easily at the orders. Blue glared as several pirates moved forward, all armed with rope. He sighed and relaxed from his battle stance, letting them roughly tie his hands behind his back. They did the same to his handmaid, and soon enough both skeletons found themselves with bags over their heads as they were forced into the back of a wagon.

*****

"I-I-I hope- I hope you don't mi-mind stay-staying with us u-u-until the guard arrives, your ma-majesty." The little yellow monster stuttered.

Blue smiled politely at the young couple in front of him. The smaller of the two was stuttering horribly, and he couldn't tell if it was because she was addressing royalty or if she was just always this nervous.

Either way, Blue smiled and nodded along, doing his best to follow her words. "It is perfectly fine Lady Alphys. I only hope I am not a terrible inconvenience to you. I know you and Commander Undyne were celebrating your recent engagement."

"It is an honour to have the neighboring King stay with us, your majesty." Undyne cut in, her hand gripping tight to the sword on her belt. "Especially after your ordeal."

Blue sighed, but nodded his agreement. "It will be nice to sleep in an actual bed again."

The woman both nodded, then Undyne pointed ahead of them. "There it is, your majesty. I know it is nothing compared to the castles you are used to, but it is the best house in the town."

The house was small for what was normally called 'the best', but then from what little Blue had seen of the small port town there wasn't much money to make anything better. The fact that the house was two stories and more than three rooms already made it better than two thirds of the rest of the town, but the sprawling garden was what really set it apart. Blue hadn't seen anything like it, not even in his castle back home.

"You own this house Lady Alphys?" He asked.

"Ye-yes, your majesty." She confirmed. "M-my father bought it wh-when I was a child."

"It's lovely." He murmured.

Alphys blushed bright red. "Th-thank you, your majesty."

The sound of footsteps echoed behind them. Blue tensed for the briefest of moments before relaxing as his handmaid rounded the corner with his chest of salvaged things. There hadn't been much left after the pirates were finished with it, but there were still a few of his things, plus whatever the knights had been able to return to him upon his rescue.

The tall skeleton stopped a few paces away, bowing slightly and staring at the ground. "my ladies. your majesty. i have gathered everything you asked of me. the knights will look after the rest until king asgore's elite get here."

Blue smiled happily, itching to open the chest and see what had been recovered, but managed to hold himself back. "Thank you Slim."

"Shall we go inside, your majesty?" Undyne asked, gesturing to the house.

Blue nodded and together they made their way into the pretty little house.

*****

"Th-th-there's not a l-lot of room I'm a-afraid, your majesty." Alphys stuttered as she led them around the house. "I-it was only meant as a h-holiday house f-for our family."

Blue smiled, admiring the little kitchen. "It's really alright Lady Alphys. Anything is better than sleeping on a bunch of straw on a pirate ship."

The young monster didn't seem to know what to say to that, so Blue waved his hand and pointed upstairs.

"Would you be so kind as to show me upstairs Lady Alphys? I assume that's where the bedrooms are." It had to be - he had already seen the rest of the house.

"Yes-yes, your majesty." Alphys gestured for him to follow.

Blue turned to Slim and waved him over. He'd lost track of Undyne, but he suspected she had gone back to the Knight's Corner, the little barracks of this town. She was a dedicated Commander, he wouldn't put it past her to make sure the knights were handling everything correctly.

Alphys lead him past a closed door to the end of a small hall. "This is th-the master bedroom, your majesty. I h-h-hope it's to y-your liking."

The room was plain, the walls a deep red and soft floor a dark brown. Blue’s attention was immediately drawn to the large bed in the centre of the room. He could feel his eye lights forming little stars at the sight of the soft bed, which was easily large enough for him to spread out on completely. It had been weeks since he had so much as sat on something so soft, and he couldn’t wait for night to fall so he could wrap himself up in those fluffy blankets.

“Ah.” Blue surveyed the room again, noticing something important. “There seems to be only one bed…”

He glanced from Slim to Alphys. The taller skeleton shifted uncomfortably, his gaze focused on the floor. Alphys was staring at him in surprise, and Blue had to fight the sad smile that wanted to pull at his teeth. He knew things were very different in King Asgore’s kingdom, one of the reasons he had been invited to visit his neighbours was so they could resolve multiple issues that had stemmed from those differences, but to actually see it was having a rather strong impact on the skeleton king.

The people here were harsh and cruel, a stark contrast to his own kingdom, where kindness was like second nature to everyone. To see people so desperate they resorted to kidnapping, to find workers being paid next to nothing and for it to be normal to treat the common folk as less than dirt- it was… distressing, to say the least.

“We-we, um, we weren’t expecting a-anyone else to be…” alive “with you, your majesty.”

Blue couldn’t keep the memories of scattered bodies surrounding him from bubbling to the surface. He grit his teeth together, fighting the nausea that boiled in his soul. He opened his teeth, wanting to say something, anything, to distract himself. His handmaid beat him to it.

“i’ll be fine, your majesty.” Slim murmured.

Blue studied the other, finally sighing with a nod. “Alright.”

It wasn’t alright, but Blue wasn’t about to argue with the other. At least, not now, in front of the nervous little monster. Later, when they were alone, he would be sure to bring it up again.

For now, he simply smiled and lead the other two downstairs for lunch.

*****

Lunch was quiet.

Undyne had reappeared at some point, and Slim had quickly retreated to the kitchen to make them all some sandwiches. The two noblewoman had seemed surprised when he insisted Slim sit and eat with them, but neither dared question the king. His handmaid settled next to him on the long bench, a small sandwich clutched in his hands. Blue saw Undyne raise an eyebrow, but still she said nothing.

Blue ate slowly, his mind going back to his time on the pirate’s boat. His side itched, as if he were still lying in a bed of straw. He shifted, trying to subtly scratch his arm. He could see Slim staring at him out of the corner of his eye, so he forced himself to stop and focus on his food.

Undyne finished first, and it quickly became apparent she couldn’t stand the silence. “Your majesty, forgive me, but is it true you don’t want the pirates killed? Or even harmed unnecessarily?”

Blue took a deep breath and placed the rest of his sandwich down. “Yes.”

Undyne’s face contorted into a frown. “Why?”

Alphys flinched at her fiancée’s blunt question. Slim stiffened at the mere mention of their kidnappers, his head down and sockets dark. The silence stretched for a moment too long, and Undyne had lost her frown for a more uncomfortable look, before Blue finally spoke.

“I wish to know why they kidnapped me. Only then will I decide what happens to them.” He said with an air of finality.

Undyne’s frown was back, and she opened her mouth to ask yet another question, but Alphys cut her off with a jab to the side. “O-of course, y-your majesty.”

Blue studied the two for a moment, before smiling and gesturing to Undyne. “You want to ask me something.”

The fish woman shuffled, not meeting his eyes as she mumbled. “It’s nothing, your majesty.”

Blue resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “You don’t approve, Commander?”

“It’s not that.” She said fiercely. “Those pirates kidnapped you! They should be hanged for that alone, never mind what they did do your belongings, your guards-”

“I’m well aware of what they did, Commander.” Blue interrupted, voice tight. “However, it is in my experience that people have reasons for taking such drastic measures as to kidnap a king. And if I find out those reasons, I can remove them and make sure this doesn’t happen again.” He took a breath, and sent a grin to Undyne. “I find it is much more effective than just killing everyone.”

Undyne considered him for a moment, before nodding tightly. “Yes, your majesty.”

Blue sighed, feeling the weight of darkened sockets on him, and picked up his sandwich.

*****

“you know, the commander had a point.” Slim murmured next to him, tired gaze on the ceiling. “those pirates should be hung.”

Blue sighed for what felt like the hundredth time that evening. “It’s not how my kingdom does things.”

“but it’s how this kingdom does things!” Slim growled. “they’re traitors, thieves and murderers. they don’t deserve to live!”

“Not even the children? Or the pirates that had nothing to do with our kidnapping? Should they be killed too?”

Slim grimaced at his question. “i- well...”

“See? Things aren’t always so black and white.” Blue shifted onto his side, sinking into the soft mattress as he faced the other skeleton. “As a ruler you have to remain open minded to all possibilities. It’s important to try and get to the root of the problem, rather than just kill everyone and hope for the best.”

Slim chuckled as his voice dropped to a whisper. “tell that to king asgore.”

Blue huffed and glared at the ceiling. “I intend to.”

That startled a laugh out of the other, and Blue silently celebrated in victory at the sound. Despite spending several months together, it was a sound Blue had only heard a handful of times. He relaxed into his pillows. The soft fabric cushioned his skull, and even though he knew he had slept in much grander bedding, right now it felt like the best thing in the world. His mind drifted, content.

Slim startled him out of his daze. “you were scratching at your arm earlier.”

Blue flinched, hand automatically reaching for his arm. “It was nothing.”

An unamused snort. “yeah, right. what was it really?”

He cracked one socket open, only to flush under the look the other was giving him. Rarely seen red eyelights were glowing in Slim’s sockets, bright and fuzzy with concern. His teeth were turned down into a small frown, and Blue immediately wanted to wipe it away. It wasn’t a look that suited the other, not at all.

He leaned forward, letting their teeth touch in a brief kiss. “I promise I’m fine Slim. It was just an unpleasant memory.”

“unpleasant memories can hurt more than the real thing.” Slim murmured, pulling him close and wrapping his arms around him. “are you sure you’re okay?”

Blue nodded, snuggling closer to his lover. “Just… please, can we stay like this?”

Slim’s sockets flashed to the door. “…okay.”

“It’s fine.” Blue reassured him with a yawn. “I told them they weren’t to come in here without permission. You can say you slept on the floor if they ask any questions.”

Slim smiled and pulled Blue as close as he could, his long body curling around the other. “okay.”

*****

“Finally.” Blue muttered, peeking out the carriage window at the castle entrance. “If I had to spend another minute in this carriage I would have gone insane!”

Slim hummed next to him, gaze unfocused. He had been strangely subdued the entire trip. Blue had tried what he could, but his lover seemed to barely be able to muster up a smile. It was troubling, but as worried as he was about the other skeleton there was a much more pressing issue that had to be dealt with first.

Guards filed out of the castle as they approached, forming a line to the giant open doors. Blue stepped out into the sunshine as his carriage door was opened. He straightened his dress, waited for Slim to step out behind him, and walked forward. The guards saluted him as he walked, arms crossed against their chests. Blue barely saw them, his gaze focused straight ahead.

King Asgore Dreemurr glared down at him from his raised throne. Blue kept his face neutral as he walked, his eye lights focused on the giant monster before him. He could hear faint rattling behind him, and without looking he knew Slim was trembling beneath the other’s ruby red gaze. He stopped at the base of the throne, Slim two steps behind him.

“King Asgore.” He greeted, inclining his head.

“King Blue.” Asgore rumbled, his voice like thunder. “I am relieved to see you well, despite recent unfortunate events.”

His mind flashed to his guards, dead on the ground while he was alive and well. His soul skipped a beat and there was a sharp burning in his chest.

“It is most fortunate.” His mouth was dry, throat horse.

“I heard you ordered the pirates to be captured and not killed.” Asgore leaned forward, eyes narrowed. “I find it a most curious decision.”

Red tingled his vision like a veil, but Blue forced his mouth to answer. “It is our way, King Asgore. Their punishment will be decided by our Judge.”

Something shifted in the other king’s eyes. Blue thought it was something like scorn, but it was quickly covered by a mocking type of glee.

“Ah yes, and how are your fathers bastards? I will admit I was quite shocked to learn you had given them such high ranking positions within your own castle.” A wicked grin revealed sharp teeth.

Blue could hear the mocking in the others tone, and it made his voice sharp. “Sans and Papyrus are doing just fine. Now, if you will excuse me, it has been a long journey. I will retire to my quarters for the night.”

“Very well.” He waved a servant over and gestured to the skeletons. “Take King Blue to his quarters, and make sure he is well taken care of.”

The servant bowed to their King, then turned and bowed to Blue. They led the way out of the room, head down and meek. Blue gave one last glance at the other King, and caught the glare he was being given before it dissolved. His heart hardened, and he knew instantly why his parents had always refused to make a pact with this certain kingdom. There was no compromising with a monster like that.

Slim followed behind him as they were lead through countless corridors, all seemingly the exact same as the last. How they knew where they were going was a mystery. The dreary grey walls seemed to stretch on forever. Blue knew he’d get lost in an instant, and was suddenly extremely grateful for their guide.

They came to a halt in front of a grand door, bigger than even Asgore himself. Flowers and vines were carved into the wood, dancing in an intricate pattern. It was one of the most beautiful things Blue had seen in this kingdom, and reminded him so much of home it nearly hurt.

“This is your room, your majesty.” The servant mumbled, head still bowed. “I hope it is to your liking.”

“Thank you.” Blue smiled, and watched as Slim stepped forward to open the door. “I’m afraid I didn’t catch your name earlier. I apologize, that was very rude of me.”

The servant squeaked, their head whipping up at his comment. Their face was flushed red in embarrassment, and it was only then Blue realized he was staring at a ghost monster. They were so rare he had to look twice. The cloak around them made it hard to see, but their body was indeed a pale white, almost translucent.

“My name is Nastablook, your majesty.” They mumbled, eyes once again downcast.

Blue nodded, smiling as he stepped a little closer. “Thank you Nastablook.”

The ghost blushed again, but Blue could see the small smile on their face. “I- if you need anything please just call, your majesty. There has been a hot bath drawn for you already .”

Blue nodded, turning to Slim as he reappeared from investigating the room. “Thank you. I will take my leave for the night Nastablook, so feel free to take the evening for yourself.”

Nastablook gaped at him, then they bowed deeply. “Thank you, your majesty.”

Blue nodded one last time, smiling as he watched the other float down the hallway. Slim huffed beside him, a small smile on his own face. Blue grinned at him, pulling him inside the room and closing the door behind them. Slim laughed, his wheezing chuckle quickly becoming one of Blue’s favorite sounds. He tugged on Slim’s sleeve, a mischievous smile pulling at his teeth as he lead his lover to the bath.

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