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#i will never not love this med in particular it changed my entire life :')

soracities · 2 years

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M., this last anon you just answered reminded me so much of how I'm rethinking love lately. My partner of years is starting to take meds that she really needs for her mental health, but everytime she was prescribed something, she's seen her emotional range shrink and says she can't feel much of anything while she's on them. This is not to say everyone will feel this way, or that they're not a good option! Everytime they pulled her out of her depressive episode. I didn't feel like she wasn't feeling things just right, she seemed just as kind and loving as always, just even more apathetic towards life than usual. But she claims she feels next to nothing, unless she's with me, then she manages to feel around 80% of what she normally does. I'm not sure if she's telling the truth or just trying not to scare me. She also said she loves me rationally, and that love is not just about feelings, but a decision. I'm struggling a lot with the idea of loving someone who can't quite love me back, and can't understand how one can love their partner rationally rather than with feelings. Like I said, I never even realized she felt that way, but now I'm scared my presence will bother her, that she's only making the effort to see me and have me over because she knows she doesn't wanna lose me, but if this goes on too long, won't she get tired? How can I cherish our love in the present knowing she may be faking it (for perfectly good reasons)?

I’m very, very, very sorry for how long this has taken—I think there are some important questions you need to ask yourself in this before moving forward, chiefly: Do you know, for an actual fact, that she doesn’t love you back—have any of her actions, not just your worries, but things she has done, genuinely shown that to you? Or is it more that her way of loving, and her rationalisation & expression of that love is different to your understanding and expectation of it so far? And do you have a solid reason for thinking she may be faking it, or is this assertion, again, based more on your own worry and concern and fear?

I think the main thing to realise about love being a choice is that this doesn’t make it an either / or. Feelings do form part of it, yes, but it isn’t bound entirely by them because feelings, by nature, are fleeting. To base love purely in the realm of feeling is to be left with something that changes—sometimes drastically—from day to day. If you have an argument with someone you love, and this leaves you incredibly angry, does that mean love is anger? Or if you hurt someone you love, and then feel submerged by guilt, does that mean love is guilt? If you say something petty and thoughtless in the heat of the moment, is love thoughtlessness and pettiness? If that is the case, then how do you build anything lasting based on this? The reality is that you don’t—love, like allyship, or anything else that determines any kind of relation between people is a verb; which means action is the determining factor, and actions are choices. I may not feel particularly affectionate or emotionally open at a particular moment (either because I’m not in a good place, or simply in a bad mood) but I can choose the actions I take in spite of that. I may feel that I’m not good enough for my friends or my family, I may feel that I have very little to offer, and that others in their lives are kinder or funnier or simply more fun to be around. Based on those feelings I can let those relationships disintegrate (and on particularly bad days, when you are in a particular headspace, it would be the easier thing to do) or I can choose not to: I can reach out and say “I miss your voice, I want to talk to you”. I can send a brief audio that doesn’t say much, but whose entire purpose is wrapped up in the act of sending it in the first place. I can send a photo or a link to something that made me think of them. My feelings may want me to burrow away and isolate, but the choice I make is to fight against that because some things matter more than my current struggles, or because I can recognize that, while not feeling I deserve it or feeling that it doesn’t make sense to me, people care about me in spite of all that, and this care is an extension of who they are as a person—a person who matters a lot to me, despite what I may think of myself.

I also think it might be worth nothing that how someone feels, and their relationship to feelings as a kind of yardstick, in this scenario, is going to look very different when you are mentally stable and when you aren’t. I don’t want to make any presumptions so I can only speak from my own personal experiences, but I think, when you find yourself in a position where your emotions are so emptied, where so much just feels incredibly bleak or hopeless or there is simply very little to feel at all, you have to step back from allowing your feelings to form a foundation for how you assess and regard the things around you, because those feelings are predominantly negative, and this negativity colours everything, skewing your perception of things in the process. There are a lot of things that I feel incredibly hopeless about, but I have to make a deliberate choice to engage in acts that are not determined by those feelings. Knowing your limitations as a person, knowing your faults, your triggers, your traumas and how they affect you and those around you, and then making the necessary choices to address these as they arise determine a great deal of how your relationship with other people will actually grow and develop; simply liking them isn’t necessarily enough to do that.

Maybe your partner emphasising that she loves you rationally is not saying she has no feelings for you, but that her mental health leaves her in a place where feelings are not a reliable measure of anything, especially if they have been affected in the way that they have. A choice is not something that is made on auto-pilot. Being kind to a cashier or a bus or delivery driver whose name you don’t even know is not something you do blindly or apathetically. It’s a consideration that, while you may have no personal feelings towards them, you have made with intentions that are genuine and that actually have care behind them, even if that care is simply a tacit or subconscious acknowledgement of another person’s right to not be treated badly. And if that holds true for complete strangers, it holds doubly true for the people you are close to and whom you love, and for whom that care is at work in a much more intimate and magnified way. You’re not faking your enthusiasm when you listen to your friend’s joys despite your own pain and struggles, because you are not centering your pain in that moment: you’re centering your friend. You’re centering this person whom you treasure and have such profound regard for and making the choice to show up and be with, despite having so much that causes you pain.

I don’t know if this will help, but in English our language for emotions tends to get rather personal in that they are inextricably tied into the subject: you are angry, you are sad, you are hungry—this is going to be very basic since my grasp is entirely rudimentary but in Irish, it’s different: the literal translations read: anger is on you, sadness is on you, hunger is on you. It is there but it is not in you as it would be in English. I think love as a choice vs love as a feeling is a little something like that. Saying love is a choice is not saying that it is emotionless, but that it is rooted in something that has very little to do with the chimerical nature of most emotions: I cannot always help what I feel about a certain situation, but I can help what I do about it—and when what I do is an expression of care, it is an act I have extended beyond myself and whatever I’m trying to cope with. Does it mean that the negative feelings have gone away? No. But it does mean that I have done something to try and take away a little of their power.

Worrying about overwhelming your partner given her circumstances is entirely understandable, but I think it may help for you to talk to her also, and maybe find out what it means to her when she says love is a choice and finding out exactly what that decision looks like. I also think, that while I’m sure your heart and concern is in the right place, we sometimes need to be careful about reading in to what we think people may really be feeling when we believe they are trying to protect our feelings. If your partner has told you she “feels next to nothing, unless she's with me, then she manages to feel around 80% of what she normally does”—how could she not care for you? If the thought of losing you and not having you in her life genuinely scares her, then again—how could she not care for you? I understand that you only want what is best for her, but I do think as well that if she has never given you any solid reason to distrust what she is saying, then you need to believe her in that it matters to her to have you in her life, that her loving “rationally” is not love devoid of affection and care and sincerity. I do not mean this to come across as harsh, so I hope it doesn’t, but she knows, better than anyone else, what it is like to struggle and to live with her current mental health issues, and she also knows, better than anyone else, which interactions genuinely would be too exhausting, and which are not—which mean the most to her, and which she genuinely wants in her life even through everything she may be dealing with. If she wants you in her life, you need to trust, unless she explicitly tells you otherwise, that she means it.

Again, I know this answer is coming incredibly late, and I don’t know if any of this will help in the end, but if nothing else then I think it may be a good idea for you to check yourself into therapy also, through whatever means are available for you if you haven’t already done so. It’s vitally important for your partner to be getting help, but it’s also just as important for you to get some kind of professional support through this because it is a lot for you, too; it may also help you get some clarity on your own feelings. Sending endless love to both of you x

#ask #anonymous #notes from elsewhere

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seijorhi · 1 year

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👁️👄👁️

I'm alive, sorry I fell off the face of the earth for a few days there (I was unwell - new anxiety meds and all that jazz)

BUT!! I have much to say, both about your new fic and obviously one of the older ones, so here's an extremely belated / extended ART&RCSW <33

Firstly, Maelstrom was incredible, it changed the way I live my life

I don't even watch Trigun Stampede but good lord did you get me hooked on the characters - not to mention, a good poly fic is always the way to my heart

The twist of the secret bastard brothers?? Incredible. Delicious. Amazing. And the not so subtle hatred they have for their father?? The fact that the only good thing to come from him was their darling sister?? My gosh, you've got me wrapped around your finger Rhi

Though I must admit, the whole reveal and the part where reader is being lead to the throne room gave me anxiety - you always manage to surprise me with the way you set things up, and I mean that in the best way possible

I can't say anything about the characterisation of Vash and Knives because I don't watch the show, but I imagine that as with everyone else, you've done an amazing job

Also the sense of hopelessness at the end?? Because like, there's literally no escape - the best type of ending in my professional opinion

Next up on the agenda, we have a fic (series??) that I know you're not particularly fond of, but I absolutely love

Through the cold, I'll find my way back to you, your Hawks / Dabi soulmate fic - it has me in a fucking chokehold

It's literally everything I love in a fic - soulmates, poly relationship, yandere, it's just amazing

The slight sprinkle of angst kinda feels like a punch to the gut, but in a satisfying way - not to mention, the fact that Natsuo still keeps in touch with the reader even though they don't really have a connection aside from Touya kills me, he's so sweet

And poor Keigo (he's insane but I do not care <33)

The way my stomach drops when the reader realises that she has another soulmate will never not be a great feeling, but the way she knows instinctively that something is missing because Dabi isn't there really is painful

Like I said, I know you've said you don't really like the series, but I'm here to reassure you, I loved it, so rest assured, the hard work didn't go down the drain <33

I'm also really sorry for disappearing for like two or three weeks :// But I'm back now (??)

Anyway, I hope you've been well, drinking water and sleeping and whatnot <33

See you next week Rhi (I hope??) Lol :))

BBY I MISSED YOU <33

i hope ur doing okay, i am sending you all the forehead smooches and love!!

ahh but this ask is so nice!! honestly i was so worried about posting maelstrom cuz it's a new fandom for both me and sort of in general – i know the manga and old anime have been around for a while, but for most people it's new – and i wasn't sure if people were actually going to read it

turns out you did anyway, not knowing any of the characters vhgfjdksjdhfjdks it's always such a huge compliment when that happens. it's actually how i found my way first to bnha and then to haikyuu so, yeah, it makes me happy to see it's the same for you guys

as for through the cold... hoo boy. i did have big plans for that one, and every month or so there's a part of me that wants to either delete part 2 and start again, or delete the entire thing and start again, with better execution this time. i may not be as in love with bnha as i used to be, but hawks and touya, and that particular storyline (i am if nothing else a sucker from the soulmate trope gone wrong)

but also... the part i hate about series, and one of my biggest gripes as a writer is when there's a demand for part 2's and 3's but then it's crickets in the notes. part 2 kinda flopped and idk if it was because it wasn't great or if people just couldn't be bothered to leave a response, so while i do occasionally have the motivation to continue it i don't know if it's actually worth while or if anyone (aside from you haha) would be into it. but then i think about all that delicious angst and keigo and touya being jealous assholes and... hmmmm.... vghfjdkjhvfjdks

in any case, i'm glad you liked it and it was very sweet of you to send this ask and i adore you.

also, pls take care of yourself, and don't apologise for taking the time you need. i, of course, live for these asks and seeing you in my notes, but it's never a necessity. your mental/physical health always comes first <33

#ILY!!!#rhi answers #fic asks #through the cold #maelstrom #ART&RCSW #artemis32

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laineystein · 8 months

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If this is weird you don’t have to answer it but I was wondering what sparked your interest in WW2? Not to say that Jews can’t like WW2 I just feel like it’s not common and it’s always fascinated me a bit especially because I think you said once that you have shoah survivors in your family? again if this is weird you can ignore it and I apologize lol

Not weird!

Have I answered this before? I feel like I have. But I’m happy to share again!

I am the grandchild of two Shoah survivors. I grew up very angry at the goy world and I didn’t understand how the entire world had turned a blind eye to the atrocities of the Holocaust and everything that led up to it. It was mind boggling to me that other people (goyim) were living lives completely separate from this genocide. And I didn’t have stories about non-Jews during this time. Until I was 21 I really didn’t have much interaction with the goy world at all. So I started reading about the war and what was going on in their world at that time. I was still angry, maybe even more so, but it gave my anger even more context. And I felt kind of valid in my anger…which I can’t really explain and I feel like I’m not articulating it properly here. Being the granddaughter of Holocaust survivors entitles me to anger and a million other emotions; knowing what happened surrounding that horrible time gave my emotions confidence. Nobody could ever say I didn’t understand what was going on. People *did* turn a blind eye to the growing antisemitism in Europe. People did know about the camps and said nothing. The world was fighting a different war than my family and my tribe and my family and my tribe would forever be fighting a different war, even when this particular war ended.

More simply - in general, I love history. It fascinates me. I love knowledge and learning. I think the knowledge that makes you uncomfortable is the knowledge you really need to learn because that’s the world and some aspects of it are never going to change. And a lot of it still makes me angry but when I compartmentalize it, some of it is courageous and inspiring and I think a lot of people were backed into a corner and thought they were doing the right thing. (I’m referring to 18 year old Allied soldiers who thought they were fighting for their country but just ended up watching their friends die and living in horrible conditions for months. I’m not talking about Nazis. Fuck Nazis.)

Regarding BoB - that premiered right around 9/11. And for 24+ hours I thought my parents were dead so when they finally got home, my dad sat down to watch it (he loves Spielberg) and with everything going on, he felt bad telling me I couldn’t watch it too. It was probably not appropriate for an 11 year old (read: it was NOT appropriate for an 11 year old). But he let me watch the entire thing with him. And he, the son of Holocaust survivors who knows far more about what my grandparents went through than I do or ever will, thought the Shoah episode was…fair. He got me the box set (it was before I left for undergrad - it was 5 VHS tapes and I actually put it in my carry on). I ended up watching it anytime my life was stressful. Midterms and finals. Sleepless nights in the army - I made my entire team watch it and they actually liked it. I watched it a lot in med school because I was really fucking miserable and had no friends so I just spent a lot of time in my apartment by myself. It was just a weird comfort watch when my life was chaos - but I almost always skip episode 8 because again: compartmentalizing.

The more I talk about this the more I realize how weird this is (my hyperfixation, not your question) but whatever.

Tachles there ya go 🙃

#lainey things #this is a weird rant you’re welcome #tw: Holocaust #tw: shoah

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quimbionics · 2 years

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hellllo i would like to learn about iris ,,,, she seems very cool

OH MY GOD HI. HELLO. IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS

OK THERE IS SO. much. abt her that i don't think i can condense into a single post but here are the basics:

art credits : 1. 2. 3.

" Hey. I know this sounds sort of silly, but.. do you believe in fate? "

" Quiet, calculative, and pacifistic – Iris Williams can only be described as an exceptionally timid girl. Riddled with social anxiety and constant self-doubt, Iris shies away from all instances that involve human interaction, no matter how brief or inconsequential; instead, she is drawn to seclusion, preferring to keep to herself on most occasions as to not disrupt others with her awkward and, according to her – largely insignificant presence. She struggles to view herself as anything particularly valuable in comparison to others around her, having been used to being treated as a miniscule priority practically her entire life.

Despite her aversion to people, she possesses a particularly strange penchant for love – falling for nearly any individual that crosses her path. "

. ♡ .

on a surface level, she's your typical shy girl archetype! up there ^ is a slightly-edited excerpt from her personality doc, which is honestly sort of outdated but serves fine as a synopsis i think

she has a special connection to romance in particular, and not only is she obsessed with the romance genre, she's internalized so much of the idealized over the years that she falls in love easily as a result. as for her role in mighty med, she's essentially the third addition to the kaz & oliver duo – landing a job at the hospital not long after meeting them, as her instant infatuation for kaz and desire to share interests spurred her on to start reading comics.

i'm still working out when exactly she'd be introduced into the timeline, but my general idea for her is that she comes in around mid-s1 and starts a character arc mid-s2 that bleeds into elite force abt how meeting k&o basically changed her life! and speaking of elite force..

. ♡ .

art credits : @sketchycc

" From saving the people who save people to becoming the people who save people.. Never in a million years would I have thought I'd wind up here. I thought I could never hope to call myself a hero – but you.. you proved me wrong. Thank you, for everything. "

aside from the first half of season 1, iris was present for everything. which means, just like k&o, she obtained superpowers from the arcturion! her main ability is electrokinesis, but you can find a complete list of all of her current powers here.

. ♡ .

other miscellaneous trivia that i couldnt quite fit anywhere else are as follows:

adores cute things! she wears all kinds of cutesy pins on her doctor's coat that change every episode – sometimes they even foreshadow the episode itself, similar to leo's graphic tee's

collects all kinds of plushies. she has a mountain of them on her bed

dots her i's with hearts

has a v blatant heart motif in general

she's autistic, but is in huge denial abt it due to being undiagnosed and unknowingly masking her entire life. chase has ripped out an alarming amount of hair trying to explain this her

she loves sweaters – she's never seen without one, even in the warmer months. they're a huge comfort for her and the bulk of her paychecks go exclusively to her sweater collection

loves animals, especially cats

she has a diary. kaz goes through people's personal belongings. iris knows this. and so, in a brilliant move, she changes kaz's name to chaz whenever she writes about her crush on him, and for awhile it works – so well, in fact, that it backfires catastrophically when an actual chaz saunters into the hospital

her backstory doc + face claim are available here. all trigger warnings are labeled accordingly, but as the subject matter is rather heavy, i still advise you that you proceed with caution

#you have. no idea how long ive been waiting for someone on here to ask me about iris #she's my pride and joy. my greatest creation. my skrunkly blorbo i am SO in love w her #ty for indulging me... Finally #iris williams #mighty med #mighty med oc #lab rats elite force #lab rats elite force oc #asks

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dogbearinggifts · 4 years

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What are your thoughts on tua S2? Did you feel like the characters grew? What did you like? What did you not? I’m interested in your perspective. Your analysis are super thoughtful and interesting!

Aw, thanks, Anon!

Overall, I really enjoyed S2 and thought it was a solid follow-up to S1. I do have my quibbles about it, so I think (for ease of reference and because my thoughts are a little scattered today) I’ll list some of my personal highlights (in no particular order) before getting into what I didn’t like as much.

Big spoilers ahead.

Allison. I thought they handled her storyline especially well. Of all the siblings, I think she had the most difficult obstacles placed in her way (not only is she a Black woman landing in 1961 Dallas, but she’s a Black woman landing in 1961 Dallas who can’t even speak in her own defense for a year) and they sugarcoated exactly none of it. The writers pulled no punches when showing what civil rights protesters went through, which just made their nonviolent response all the more breathtaking. Allison’s fear and anger during those scenes were palpable even as she kept them hidden. But along with that horror, we see the kindness and warmth of the Dallas Black community, the women who take her in simply because she needs their help, and her love for Ray, perhaps heretofore THE most thoughtful husband ever portrayed on screen. I loved him, and I loved him and Allison together. While I understand and respect his choice to stay in 1963, I wish they’d gotten more time together. They both deserved it.

Vanya. We got to see how much the baggage from her past affected her by glimpsing what she might be like if it were taken away. It’s an interesting philosophical question, and it was explored well, in my opinion. She finds it easier to love and be loved, and she stands up for herself more readily—but she also doesn’t hesitate to use powers she can’t quite control and threatens Five without fully realizing how dire her threat is (or how it might dredge up traumatic memories she doesn’t know exist). The moment where Ben finds her curled up, fully convinced she’s a monster, was heartbreaking. I loved watching her find happiness with Sissy, even if that was fleeting (and dear god, Sissy deserved her happy ending with Vanya, dammit, I don’t care if it would fuck up the timeline). Her patience and sweetness with Harlan were just beautiful. And the way she used the confidence she gained during her amnesia to fully come into her own not to exact revenge on her siblings, but to save them, was fucking phenomenal.

The humor. There was a lot more humor this season, and it was awesome. So many iconic scenes—Olga Foroga, Luther babysitting two homicidal Fives, Elliot awkwardly lecturing his guests on the history of Jello, “NEW TIMELINE NEW ME,” “Your vagina needs glasses,” AJ the fish gobbling up the cigarette bubbles, Five getting to say “fuck”….this season was a lot funnier than the previous one, and I think that was one of its strengths.

Klaus’ cult. It was played for laughs, which I both expected and thought was the best way to handle it. He didn’t want to start a new religion with himself at the center; he just wanted to not get thrown out of any more diners, but Destiny’s Children had other ideas. The “I too am a fraud!” scene was hilarious and tickled the question of whether or not a religion founded on false pretenses can still help those within it find meaning.

Luther. Getting him away from his dad, his siblings, and the Academy was exactly what he needed to become the pure of heart and dumb of ass genius we always knew he was, but his first major step in that direction was heartbreaking. We all knew he’d be rejected once he got to the Academy. We all knew Reginald would rip his heart out and stomp on it in his admittedly fashionable shoes. It gets Luther out on his own and forces him to become his own person apart from his dad, but that doesn’t make it any easier to watch. He got the positive character development he needed, but the catalyst was tragic.

Diego. We see, for the first time, exactly how Reginald kept him in line—not with meds or with PTSD-inducing torture, but with words. Even when he knows Diego as little more than a stranger, Reginald is able to rip off his skin and fling it in his face with a single diatribe; and even at 30, with years away from his dad, Diego is left unable to speak, feeling as if all of his accomplishments up to that point were the work of a dumb kid who thought he was smarter and more capable than he actually was.

Luther and Diego sharing a braincell. Luther has bad ideas. Diego has bad ideas. When they put their bad ideas together, they get terrible ideas. I loved watching them work together as a team, rather than being at each others’ throats for most of the season, even if I’m left hoping Olga Foroga had a pleasant and quiet day after that phone call.

Reginald. At first glance, it may look like the writers were trying to make him likable so they could parade him around as your average abusive-parent-with-a-soft-side. But it’s more nuanced than that. Abusive parents (and abusers in general) often fly under the radar because they fool outsiders into thinking they’re good people. They’re active in their communities. They give to charity. They have friends who attest to their virtue, significant others who think they’re the greatest. And that’s what we see with Reginald. We see him as the rest of the world did: an intelligent, eccentric man with a sharp sense of humor who cared deeply about scientific advancement. That’s how he evaded suspicion—because there were stories from years past of lively parties at his mansion, of what a gentleman he was to Grace and of how he did everything he could to save little Pogo. But those stories would all have come from people he considered his equals. When he’s with people he considers his inferiors—aka, the Umbrella kids—he’s openly condescending and demeaning. We get to see how he fooled the world, and it is chilling.

Elliot. He deserved better, and you can ship him with any one of the Hargreeves kids and get the cutest thing ever.

The Swedes. They said so much while speaking very little.

Ben. He got more personality and screen time, and it was glorious. His love of his family and resentment toward Klaus practically leapt off the screen. The way he says “I’ve missed you all…so much” once they’ve all left was one of those right-in-the-feels moments; and watching him get so much of what he’s wanted for years when he possesses Klaus was beautiful.

Now, as for things I took issue with….

Ben. I understand why they ended his arc the way they did. I get that they were probably afraid the Klaus/Ben dynamic would grow stale if they didn’t change it somehow and wanted to give him a larger role in S3. His death(???) was heartbreaking and extremely well-done. But it also wasn’t foreshadowed. We never got any sense of what ghosts in the TUA ‘verse are, so the fact they can be destroyed by a ton of sound-turned-energy or by going too far into someone’s psyche or whatever happened….it’s not that it doesn’t make sense so much as there’s not enough evidence to determine whether or not it makes sense. It feels like the writers just kinda made that up so they’d have a reason to change Ben’s relationship dynamics, but if that’s the case, couldn’t they have done it another way? Couldn’t they have made it so the immense energy or psychic woo-woo or whatever gave him a power-up instead of destroying him? Vanya transferred some of her energy into Harlan and brought him back to life. Couldn’t something similar have happened with Ben? And if it tied him to Vanya as well as to Klaus, great! More fodder for angst and humor! (”Vannyyyyyyyy, stop hogging Ben!” “You got him for 17 years, Klaus, you can part with him for 20 minutes.” “Guys, don’t I get a say in this?”) I’m glad they didn’t write him out of the series entirely, but I still wish they’d kept him and all the character development he’d gotten throughout S2.

Episode 10. It looks like they tried to cram half a season’s worth of developments into 45 minutes. Twenty minutes in, I’d already said “Wait what the fuck” half a dozen times. A lot of those moments were explained later on, and I was able to make enough inferences to fill in any lingering plot holes, but…still. Too much stuff, too little time. E9 was a perfectly satisfying ending to the season. Yes, it leaves the siblings stranded in 1963, but they could’ve tied up those loose ends in the S3 premiere.

Lila. She’s an incredibly fun character, but her arc is kind of a mess. Most of that is due to E10, and I do feel that more time to let her arc breathe would’ve worked wonders, but I’m left feeling like her turn from “Handler is the best mom ever and I lurve Diego too” to “KILL DIEGO AND HIS EVIL FAMILY” to “Handler is a bad mom and Diego is right” happened too quickly.

The Commission. Okay, so, the Handler announces the entire Board has been killed, and she’s stepping in as director even though everyone appears to know she’s been demoted (and demoted pretty severely—she went from having an office bigger than some apartments to being a case management drone). There’s suspicion and lots of it. But then, La Resistance is….ten or so people in a single room? And when she calls the temps agents to her side, thousands of them show up ready and willing to fight and die? I dunno. Just seems like there should’ve been more splintering going on there. Again, I think they needed more time to tie everything up.

Aside from those complaints, I loved the season. I set aside most of a day to binge it, and I do not regret that decision at all.

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moogieandadhd · 2 years

Text

trauma ferris wheel - A Personal Note on ADHD and the Holidays

(i want to briefly apologize for my absence. i was pretty unmotivated to write, i got a full-time job, and i took a break from my meds for a bit. but, i'm back, and i have a lot to say. thanks for being awesome and patient with me, friends. i hope you guys are having a safe and healthy holiday season.)

there are many things i want to say to my family members during the holidays when the inevitable joke at my expense happens. for the past year, in particular, it has been about me never getting a license. i am 22 and i still only have a permit. the jokes were funny at first, but now they send me into a spiral of insecure thoughts. not a big deal on the outside, but after being berated and not even asked why it's taking so long (financial restrictions and debilitating anxiety, thank you very much), it starts to take a toll on you.

maybe you have receptive family members who you can say "hey, that wasn't really funny and i'd appreciate it if you didn't joke about that" and theyre like "hey man, im sorry about that, i should have been more mindful, i got you." but maybe most of your family is like mine and when you bring up that sometimes they say hurtful things, you're met with "you have always been so sensitive. it was just a joke, come on." or something along those lines.

now, take that and apply it to pretty much every little thing that you do. that is what living with ADHD is like. everything you do is inconvenient, or annoying, or misunderstood, and you are expected to mold yourself into the neurotypical's expectations of how you should be. but god forbid you ask for a little consideration.

with ADHD, many of us dread the holiday season. if it were up to me, i wouldn't have visited my family and just dealt with the "maybe i should have gone" guilt later. that sure beats physically having to leave the room and hide in the bathroom because everyone is loud and there are to many lights and everyone is far too touchy and the fancy clothes you were forced to wear have become a boa constrictor around your entire body and....

when we disappear from these overwhelming situations, i have also noticed it isn't met with great reception either. "you always have to be the center of attention, don't you? why do you need to make everything about you?" as if protecting your brain from an overload which would lead to a panic attack or a shouting match would have somehow been better.

again, misunderstood.

or maybe you are one of those ADHDers who love the holidays, either because your family isn't filled with self-interested people, or because you have already cut those people out of your life and you now have the freedom to make new memories and enjoy holidays the way you want to. how i envy you!

when i was younger, i loved the holidays because i was always so understimulated and seeing my cousins and spending hours playing games and running around was genuinely fun. now that i am an adult and my attention is now spread thin between maintaining my home, my mental and physical health, my marriage, my job, college, my social life, my bills, and still somehow find free time to relax... the holidays might as well be an inner ring of hell.

another stressor is finding the right gifts. some people make no sense to me and i have no clue what to get them, but a gift card feels so impersonal and lame, and then the other people who you know a perfect idea for but that particular item is also $900 and you make minimum wage.

not to mention, nobody ever seems to get your gifts right. they assume they know you and would want you to have something they want you to have - but it's just not you. fair enough, our hyperfixations can change like the weather, but ask us about it and we probably have something in mind.

or, the bittersweet feeling when you're gifted something in relation to a hyperfixation that you are no longer madly in love with and have since all but thrown it away. i weirdly feel guilty, and sad. but i remember how much i loved that thing, and how close it would have been to my heart, and how amazingly excited i would have been to have that gift at the peak of the fixation.

if you have a comorbidity with your ADHD, which most of us do (combined type adhder here with generalized anxiety disorder and cptsd, with a history of disordered eating, how fun), there's so much more to dread during the holidays. there's insecurity, triggers galore, you name it. but that's for another post, i suppose.

i know this idea has been regurgitated forever, but i really do wish that ADHD wasn't named after the symptoms that are burdensome to neurotypical people. "attention deficit", but i pay attention to everything at once. "hyperactive", but i just need to move around more or talk it out before i can feel content. that's just who i am, and the fact that it is an inconvenience really does just feel like pushing on a bruise.

if you had a fantastic holiday, i'm so happy for you. may that warmth follow you into the new year. if you didn't have a great holiday, i'm sorry. you probably didn't deserve that stuff. or maybe you fucked up royally in some way. no matter, you're still human and you still deserve love. know who loves you and who doesn't and weed out that shit you don't need anymore. you can start fresh whenever you want. make a little room to forgive yourself. love you.

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kinsey3furry300 · 3 years

Text

5 ships I hate, why I hate them, how to (kinda) fix them, the better ships you should be doing in that universe, and why you should ignore me and keep writing them if it makes you happy.

Note: this is done for amusement, please don’t be offended; I’m not attacking your ship, I’m just listing some ships I do not always care for, and how I think they could be improved, and maybe made brilliant, by clever writing.

In no particular order, and focusing on ships that often annoy me, with no attempt by me to say anything meaningful or popular about the current state of any particular fandom. I’m also a firm believer in the idea that there’s no such thing as a bad ship, only a badly executed ship, so my objections to these is less a dislike of shipping, or the paring, and more that they raise writing issues that I think are difficult to fix in a satisfying way. That’s why in a lot of the examples below I prefer AU ships to ones that try to messily work it into the cannon. Anyway, enjoy... I guess?

Marco x / anyone (Animorphs)

Why I hate it: Animrophs is an intensely character-driven story, where the tension of each book comes from the conflicts, external and internal, that the five Animrophs (and Ax) face during a long, hard, traumatic war. And while several of the character are paired off romantically, it’s always to emphasise character conflict over their different points of view. Jake and Cassie are a pair because Jake’s struggle with having to make hard, grey, morally ambiguous choices as leader is highlighted by Cassie’s burning need to make the right choice, the lesser evil, the choice that leaves some small shred of humanity and dignity and kindness left in this bleak world. Tobias and Rachel are a pair as their arcs deal with literal and figurative loss of humanity, as the slow accumulation of trauma over time turns these happy(ish), normal kids into psychologically ruined husks of their former selves and destroys them slowly, one fight at a time.

Marco’s arc, isn’t about either of these things: Marco’s arc, is about the bright, clear line between A and B, between problem and solution. Marco is a utilitarian, a pragmatist: his concern isn’t the burden of leadership, or the cost of the decision, but about how to put that all aside and make hard decisions that actually work regardless of cost. It’s not about what to do, the path is obvious: the bright, clear line of ruthless logic, but how to do it. His match, his counterpoint, the other character who’s all about the logic of taking awful decision in a way that actually works for the team, and his foil, his female counterpart in this, is not a romantic partner, but his mother: Visser one, making the exact same hard, difficulty ruthless decisions using logic and maths, but for the other side of this war. A romantic paring gets in the way of this arc because a partner doesn’t help him with that bright, clear line, and worse, any attempt to pair him of with either Rachel or Cassie breaks up not only a cannon paring, but their respective character arc.

How to (kinda) fix this: Marco’s arc is, at the end of the day, a trolly problem. So make sure whoever you ship him with is one of the people tied to the tracks. Introduce a character he crushes on, and then in the second act reveal that they are either a Controller, or in the family of a Controller or the proximity of the target of their next mission in a way that will make them collateral damage ,and let Marco struggle with what happens when that bright, clear logical line from A to B cuts through someone he actually loves; you know, like it did with his mother. See, even trying to fix this ship is weirdly Freudian.

The far better ship you should be doing: Ax x / EVERYONE. Ax in human form is described as a worryingly pretty, worryingly androgynous male of indeterminate race. He is a literally Bishonen alien hedonist with no familiarity with human senses, poor impulse control in human form, and no knowledge or understanding of human courtship rituals, and he can shape-shift, including into other members of the core team if needed to compel a mission, he calls Jake his prince, and he is incredibly close to Tobias, the lonely outcast woobie that the LGBT fans adopted as their poster boy. Come on, the potential for shipping, both with wacky hijinks and sad, tragic star-crossed lovers’ trope is endless. Every line dedicated to Marco shipping is a line of text that could be dedicated to Ax trying to eat a Cinnabon erotically on his first date as a human and hulking out mid way because he forgot just how good they are. What could be better than him leaning into to erotically kiss a team-mate, and then fucking up due to his failure to understand human mouths, making weird mouth sounds, and then licking crumbs of the table in the middle of the mall, in front of the entire school, while his crush awkwardly tried to pretend this is normal? What’s wrong with you Marco-shipper people, do you hate fun?

Riz/Tem (beastars) Why I hate this ship: Okay, just to quickly ask a question, to people who un-ironically like this as a serious ship and not a dark joke, just one little question: What’s wrong with you? I mean,are you okay? Keep taking the meds: the show is VERY clear on that point.

It’s like those people who say Joker X Harley Quinn is their ideal dark, edgy relationship: no it’s not, it’s abusive! Morticia x Gomez is dark and cool but CONSENTUAL and HEALTHY. This… this is a deeply imbalanced person murdering someone and telling themselves after that fact it was special and rare and magical. ITS HOMICIDE! And even if you write that out (and you shouldn’t, because that changes the character arc of every other major character) it’s still got more red flags that a soviet military parade. This is the botulinum of a toxic, one-sided teenage infatuation. Riz’s entire arc is about how he projects his thoughts and feelings about himself onto this idealised, made-up version of his and Tem’s relationship which, from Tem’s point of view, never existed. Riz never loved Tem: he loved the idea of Tem, the idea that someone would see the real him, see his inner pain and accept him anyway, but he never once told Tem this. He didn’t warn him “Hey, because of you I don’t feel I need my meds any more, do you mind if I try not taking them and we can meet and talk about this in a safe, well-lit pace?” He’s not honest with Tem, and on top of that It doesn’t make sense from the point of view of either of the characters for them to be actually, romantically in love (although they were clearly close friends), because it undermines and cheepens Riz desire to just be seen and accepted for his real self, and the cannon Tem X Els ship. It also doesn’t make sense from a story point of view: Riz is a shadow archetype for Legosi. He’s what Legosi would have become if someone hadn’t interrupted his attack on Haru. That’s why Legosi needs to beat Riz with his own hands: because then he’s beating the darker version of himself he’s been carrying with him, and he can finally move on with Haru guilt-free. Having Riz and Tem’s relationship actually be what Riz imagined it to be undoes that. It undoes Riz’s interesting, dark inner struggle between truth and fantasy, it turns Tem’s tragic, unsolved murder that sets the entire story in motion into a just sort of weird Romeo-and Juliet suicide. It’s ruins the character arc not only for Riz, but for Legosi, and also, by extension, Louis and Haru, because Legosi’s internal angst over whether or not herbivores and carnivores can have a relationship as true friends needs this example of a tragic, flawed, toxic, failed friendship to bounce off of.

How it could (sort of) work: an AU where Riz’s attack on Tem is interrupted and Tem lives with a slight arm injury, and doesn’t tell anyone out of his complex feelings for Riz. Meanwhile, that bunny girl from the gardening club had been brutally devoured and Rz and/or Tem are so horrified with how close this was to their own near-miss, they start to investigate the murder, and in doing so get caught up in Louis’ inner struggle. Because that’s how the story needs to work, it’s about duality and struggle: and if Riz takes Legosi’s role, and by dating a herbivore he de facto takes the role, so Legosi must take Riz’s. This could be a great AU!

The better ship you should be doing: Pina/Riz (with a dash of Pina x Els), no, seriously, I’m not shitposting. You want to give Riz a redemption arc with a cute woolly boy? How about a story where Pina, out of a need for closure about at happened to him, starts to visit Riz in jail and they talk, mockingly at first, confrontational at first, but later Pina slowly becoming more fascinated in Riz and Tem’s life and asking Riz for more and more detail until they both bond over their shared traumatic experiences and their sense of loss for Tem’s senseless death, Tem’s unfished life casting a shadow over both off them. Eventually, the two of them find, from Legosi who still has the diary, that Tem had planned out an elaborate and beautiful first date with Els that he never got to take her on, and Riz, guilt ridden and sad than Tem never got this beautiful moment, decides to ask Pina take her on that date for Tem, with Riz coaching him by phone cyano-de-Bergerac style, Riz finally getting some closure that he helped one of Tem’s wishes come true and finally acknowledging to himself that Tem had a life and loves outside of him that were cut of short by his actions, and just crying over his lost friend, as Pina and Els slow-dance in Tem memory. Or if you just want to see Tem awkwardly date a carnivore boy from school, why not something less creepy and more wholesome and ship him with Jack? That would be cute AF, and more importantly, not romanticize brutal murder. Or an AU where everything is happy and nice, I’d argue at that it’s no longer Beastars at that point, but if it makes you happy, go for it. Let’s not shame anyone here.

Snape X Lilly (Harry Potter)

Why I hate this ship: honestly, it’s not for the reason you think; I just like Snape too much as a tragic character, and making him in any way happy destroys his arc in my opinion. The objection’s others have raised: that Snape acts in a worryingly possessive stalker-ish way towards Lilly, and that if Voldemort had gone for Nevil rather than Harry as a child Snape would have remained a loyal death eater, are true and I acknowledge them as having some validity, but that’s not why I can’t stand this ship. Snape is supposed to be a morally and emotionally complex, tragic figure. That “After all this time?” line was the best line in the Deathly Hallows. Snape is supposed to show the equality destructive and redemptive power of love. It’s sort of trinity: Lilly shows the pure power of true, unconditional love in her sacrifice to save Harry, Voldy shows what self-destruction and cruelty a life without understanding love leads to, and Snape sits somewhere in the middle: his one-sided un-requited love being both the cause of his darkest, and his greatest actions. His curse, and his redemption, fall and rise. Making him happy messes that up.

How to (kinda) fix this ship: make them miserable. Make them fall for each-other only to be pulled apart by circumstance (you know, like they were in the darn original source material). You’re serious about making this a tragic, dark romance? Don’t ship them when they’re at school: Ship them during Voldemort’s rise to power, in the 80’s, after Lilly is married. Have the original Order of the Phoenix send her to meet with Snape and use their previous relation to try to milk some information out of him. Have her feel conflicted about it, have James furious about it, but have her do it anyway for the greater good. Have her meet up secretly with Snape who is angry and distrustful, knowing his must be a trap, and talk. Have the relationship slowly build over time against the backdrop of a cold-war spy thriller, as Lilly slowly realizes that she has some lingering feelings for Snape, but can’t reconcile them her loyalty to the order and her family. Make this a love story of conflicted feelings, divided loyalties, and spy-work against the background of drawing war-clouds. Have Snape offer to leave Voldemort, if she’ll leave the Order, and run away with him, but by that point she knows she’s pregnant and chooses to stay, out of loyalty even though she’s crushing on Snape. Have him show up at the rendezvous expecting for her to be there only for James to lead an Order Ambush, and a fight to ensure, on top of Tower Bridge in the howling wind and rain, Snape surviving but having his spirit crushed and fleeing before Lilly can tell him her true feelings. Make it big, and melodramatic, but above all, make it tragic. Because that’s the only way Snape works as a character. Always.

The better ship you should be doing: Ginny X Nevil or Luna x Nevil: You want tragic lovers, at school, with divided loyalties, who never get together in the main cannon because a Potter ruins it and gets the girl? Ginny X Nevil. Write what was happening that final year Harry wasn’t at school when they took Dumbledore’s Army and make it work in earnest. Heck, you could even have Snape, as headmaster, hated by them but secretly trying to protect them as a secondary character to their secret, forbidden love. You don’t want to break up Harry X Ginny? Luna X Nevil is sweet and wholesome, but also tragic as they never get a chance, having their school life taken over by the horror of that final year and the need to fight for their very souls in a school run by Death Eaters and the trauma of the Battle of Hogwarts meaning that in order to put away the past and move on, they need to leave each other behind. Hell, do an AU where they canonically end up together, why not? They deserve happiness.

Dean / Sam AKA Wincest (Supernatural)

Why I hate this ship: They’re brothers. The show even makes a joke about how squick this is. Several times.

How you could (sort of) fix this ship: You can’t: They’re brothers. The show even makes a joke about how squick this is. I guess a body-swap arc could fix this, as it’s less squicky if its just their bodies with someone else’s minds, but seriously, the reasons why this shouldn’t exist are extensively covered in the show, and it was hilarious. To be honest, I don’t hate this ship done as a joke, but I have seen some dark spots on the internet, and I can say with all honesty it’s not always treated as a joke. Some folks are really invested in this, and all I can ask is, is your home life okay?

Now, done as a joke, I’m 110% behind this. This is exactly the sort of insane wacky bullshit that makes for a good crack-fic. For example imagine that the supernatural threat of the week was book that made anything written in it come true, and the brothers are trying to find and destroy it, but they keep getting distracted by their burgeoning romantic feelings for each-other, and suddenly realise that the owner of the book is a fan on the in-universe novels, and writing slash-fic in the book. They need to find the writer before they make them do something they’ll both regret, but it’s just so distracting when Sam’s beautiful eyes are right there and- dammit, Sam, it’s happening again! Make Sam less concerned and even a little amused, with it, but make Dean hate what’s going on. Especially when the writer’s description suddenly makes Sam noticeably better hung that him. Make the villain turn out to be Becky from “Sympathy for the devil” and end with them trying to take the book away as she writes frantically to force them to do her bidding, and you’ve got yourself a good fic.

The better ship you should be doing: Cas/Sam or Cas/Dean or Cas/Sam AND Dean fic. Duh. Once again the show-runners beat the fans to the mark and pointed out that this is the best ship, and then they took it away just to fuck with us.

Any Katniss ship that ignores her obsession with Emotional Security Logic. (The Hunger Games)

Why I hate these ships: Katniss is, briefly put, a mess before the books ever start, her father’s death and harsh upbringing have arguably given her PTSD before she ever volunteers for the reaping, and it doesn’t get better from there. In psychology, Emotional Security Theory (EST) is a hypothesis that the heightened emotions surrounding repeated violent exposures leaves children vulnerable to dysregulated distress responses and eventual psychopathology, aka, why Kat be so messed up. Her internal monologue makes the books completely clear that her choice in partners is not motivated by normal affections, but by deep, deep fear. A fear of loss, abandonment and death that leads her to make every decision about what minimises her, and her sister’s, exposure to potential physical and emotional harm. It’s frantic, fraught, cold survivalist thinking. And the other characters in the book notice and acknowledge it! “Which of us will she pick?” “She’ll pick whoever she can’t survive without.” Kat doesn’t like herself for it, but she does eventually admit to herself that she makes her decisions like this.

How do we fix this ship: Ship Kat with whoever you like, but give her a good reason to pick them: and in Kat’s mind “A good reason” is based on Emotional Security Logic, she needs to have a pressing reason why this ship makes her and her sister safer. Do that, and you’ve got yourself a good Katniss story. Don’t do that, and while you may or may not have a good story, the person staring in it isn’t Katniss Everdeen anymore.

The better ship you should be writing: Finick X Annie. Or, Haymitch prequel ships

FinAnn. This, this ship has some real potential to it, and is criminally underutilized. Finick and Annie’s relationship is one of the most tragic and romantic in the story, and has so much to offer. Or, if you want to have a hard-bitten character from district 12 struggling with trying to find love in the hellish combat of the games, do a prequel in which Haymitch finds love in the capitol during training, but loses then in the area and turns to drink as a result. Heck, you could even have some fun with this and turn it into a dark comedy, or a great tragic love story, whatever you like. It’s got potential, and his backstory is vague enough you could do a lot with it.

So, tell me below why I’m wrong, and have fun with your writing: just because I hate that ship doesn’t mean you should. Enjoy yourselves.

I’m off to write awful Ax/Pina/Luna Polyjuice’d into Nevil/Cas/Finick fiction set at an anime high-school that fights a magical war against other fictional schools, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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danijimenezv · 3 years

Note

Amiga! These questions are bit different:

Not Yet Wed Questions

Note: Great Scott! This week, we are going back in time to MC’s intern year. Think of Ethan’s relationship with them at this point and answer the following questions accordingly. It is entirely up to you when in year 1 this takes place (pre/post Miami, pre/post CH 15, etc). Feel free to answer with dialogue or pictures or both :) Have fun!

No worries. All of this is off the record and HR will never know!

The setting for this answers is:

For Both

When I first saw them, I thought__________

What is your coworker's most used swear word?

Quick: What color are their eyes?

Three people at work your coworker hates?

What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?

If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?

(Bonus round! Feel free to skip.)

Never have I Ever:

come into work hungover

had a fistfight

been kicked out of a bar

gotten a tattoo

broken someone’s heart

been in love

For MC (Ethan is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

What do you find the most impressive about him?

Last thing he texted you?

If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?

For Ethan (MC is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

What specifically do you find attractive about her?

Last thing she texted you?

If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?

Amiga these are genius dksaldnafjcsajd I am in love with this! The angst and longing from Book 1 is just delicious

Not Yet Wed Questions

The setting for this answers is: Post Miami, but before he quit.

For Both

When I first saw them, I thought __________

Jill: Wow.

Ethan: Care to clarify?

Jill: *blushes* Well, the first time I saw you was taking control of a medical emergency. It was amazing, and I was a bit awestruck. Of course, right after that, I thought that you were a handsome asshole.

Ethan: Of course.

Jill: …You’re not answering?

Ethan: I don’t feel like answering.

Jill: Okay, that’s either really good or really bad.

Ethan: You’re going to let it get to your head.

Jill: Really? Well now I’m intrigued. Do tell, Dr. Ramsey.

Ethan: I thought you were proficient.

Jill: Proficient? Seriously?

Ethan: You were just an intern on your first day, and you still jumped into action when a woman needed help. It was… not what I expected.

Jill: *grins smugly* So you were just as awestruck, is that what you’re saying?

Ethan: That’s not what I said.

Jill: It’s what I heard.

Ethan: I knew you would let it get to your head.

What is your coworker's most used swear word?

Both: Fuck. *laugh*

Jill: Dr. Ramsey doesn’t regularly curse out loud, instead you can see the intention written all over his face. But I have caught him saying “fuck” a few times.

Ethan: On the other hand, Dr. Valentine curses like a sailor. Even for the smallest of things, you can hear her whispering “fuck” under her breath.

Jill: He also uses “goddammit” and “Christ” a lot.

Ethan: And when it’s not a situation, but a person, she uses “fucker”.

Quick: What color are their eyes?

Jill: Deep blue.

Ethan: Whiskey.

Jill: You know, I feel honored to be compared to whiskey. I know how much you value it.

Ethan: *stutters and blushes* What? I-I don’t… It wasn’t like that.

Jill: *smirks* Suuuuure.

Three people at work your coworker hates?

Jill: That’s a hard one.

Ethan: You’re exaggerating.

Jill: I’m not. You hate a lot of people.

Ethan: Hate is an overdramatic word.

Jill: Well, okay, then you strongly dislike a lot of people.

Ethan: Closer.

Jill: Does Nash count as coworker now that he has a deal with the team?

Ethan: Unfortunately.

Jill: Okay, so first Nash, and then in no particular order Dr. Cyrus, Dr. Wen, Dr. Toussaint…

Ethan: Those are more than three.

Jill: And I can keep going. Dr. Mirrielees, Dr. Rosario… June? I don’t know her personally, but I heard you complain about her the other day, so…

Ethan: Eavesdropping again, were you?

Jill: Never, just passing by and paying attention to my surroundings, like a good diagnostician should.

Ethan: Right. You forgot yourself.

Jill: Uh-uh, you don’t fool me. I’m possibly one of the few interns you tolerate.

Ethan: *sighs but doesn’t deny it* Round it up, Rookie. No point stretching out the answer.

Jill: Okay, fine. I guess mainly Nash, Cyrus, and Wen. And also probably some intern, or a handful of them. Not including me, obviously.

Ethan: Hrm, I think the most annoying of them is your partner on the Knoblauch case. The squirmy one.

Jill: Landry? Really? I admit he can get a bit annoying at times, but he’s just really nervous around you.

Ethan: Well, I don’t like him.

Jill: Your turn to answer.

Ethan: I would go with Nash as well, but other than that, I don’t think you hate any other coworker. Dr. Valentine seems to get along with everyone, it’s… disconcerting.

Jill: It’s called being a people person. But I do find Dr. Cyrus and Dr. Lozoya irritating. Don’t tell them, though.

Ethan: I do believe, however, that I made it to that list at some point.

Jill: What makes you say that?

Ethan: Your impertinence and constant point to defy me.

Jill: I defy you because I can. That doesn’t mean I hate you.

*Ethan is stunned into silence*

What is your coworker’s strangest or most endearing quirk?

Ethan: She sometimes snorts when she laughs.

Jill: Oh my God, you’ve heard that?!

Ethan: What’s wrong with that?

Jill: That’s not endearing, that’s embarrassing!

Ethan: She also scrunches up her nose or bites her lip when she’s too focused on something. It’s cute.

Jill: *stares at him with wide eyes* You think I’m cute?

Ethan: I think your quirks are cute.

Jill: Right… Dr. Ramsey places a finger on his temple, either when he’s deep in thought or when he’s fighting the urge to strangle someone, usually an intern. He also pinches the bridge of his nose a lot, especially when he’s annoyed.

If they had a crush on anyone at work, who would that be?

*They stare at each other pointedly, and then look away, blushing.*

Jill: *clears her throat* I don’t do crushes.

Ethan: *raises an eyebrow in challenge* Lahela?

Jill: Not a crush.

Ethan: Then what was he, exactly?

Jill: Friend with benefits.

Ethan: *chokes up* Christ…

Jill: Well, you asked!

Ethan: Is he still?

Jill: No, not anymore. Not since before… you know…

Ethan: Ah… *looks away*

Jill: Anyway… I would say your crush is probably Chief Emery. Or, well, me.

Ethan: *in a warning tone* Jillian.

Jill: What? Bree said this was off the record. Someone has to acknowledge what happened, and you’re clearly not going to, so might as well be me.

*Ethan looks down regretfully*

Never have I ever

Jill: Ohhh, I love this game! And look, we even got paddles with I have/I have never.

Ethan: What are we, in high school?

Jill: Would you rather do it with drinks? During work hours?

Ethan: *sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose* Let’s get this over with.

Jill: Knew it.

come into work hungover

*Both raise the ‘I have never’ paddle.*

Ethan: I admit, I was not expecting that.

Jill: You just have to think the worse of me always, don’t you?

Ethan: Speaking as someone that saw you party up at Donahue’s the night after your first shift, yes.

Jill: Okay, fair, but I have an advantage over the rest of people.

Ethan: Which is?

Jill: Genetically speaking, the Valentines don’t get hangovers.

Ethan: You say that now because you’re young.

Jill: My brother is not, and he still doesn’t know what having a hangover is like. And we’ve obviously tried it out.

Ethan: Okay, I’ll concede. That’s an unfair advantage.

*Jill grins widely and winks*

had a fistfight

*Ethan lifts the ‘I have never’ paddle*

Jill: Liar. You told me you punched Nash.

Ethan: For it to be a fight, the counterpart has to actually throw a punch as well. Nash never got the chance.

Jill: Okay, then I never have either.

Ethan: *blinks in surprise* You’ve punched someone?

Jill: A kid at school bullied my little sister once.

Ethan: Once?

Jill: Yes. I gave him a black eye, and he never dared to say anything else about Ivy.

Ethan: How heroic.

Jill: *shrugs* My sister was mortified, as the delicate princess she is, but I think it was worth it.

Ethan: It’s a little hard to imagine, given your height.

Jill: The smallest are always the feistiest ones. We’re like Chihuahuas.

been kicked out of a bar

*The two of them raise the ‘I have’ paddle*

Jill: You?

Ethan: A friend of mine from med school got a little carried away. What about you?

Jill: I was busted with a fake I.D.

Ethan: You went to a bar when you were underage?

Jill: Does it make it better if I say I wasn’t drinking?

Ethan: Why else would you go to a bar?

Jill: It was initiation week at Léman Prep.

Ethan: *blinks several times in confusion* I’ll pretend to know what you’re talking about.

Jill: Well, you know how high school was like. If I hadn’t done that, they would’ve eaten me alive. It was survival 101.

Ethan: What happened afterwards?

Jill: I made the headlines, and my grandparents had to pay a shit ton of money and pull a lot of strings to bury the scandal. And I got the biggest lecture and grounding of my life.

gotten a tattoo

*Both show the ‘I have never’ paddle*

Ethan: It’s not my thing.

Jill: Neither is mine.

broken someone’s heart

Jill: I have. My older sister nicknamed me ‘heartbreaker’ during my high school years.

Ethan: And you say this proudly?

Jill: I’m not proud of it, I’m just saying it how it is. I’ve always been clear with people about what I want and what I don’t. I don’t lead them on with false promises, but a few of them tried to change my mind, unsuccessfully.

Ethan: Well, I don’t think I have.

*Ethan lifts the ‘I have never’ paddle. Immediately, Jillian takes it from him and switches it for the ‘I have’ paddle. She doesn’t say anything else, just looks away, pained, and Ethan just stares at her aghast.*

been in love

*Both choose the ‘I have never’*

Ethan: I don’t believe in being in love.

Jill: I do, but I don’t think it’s for me. I had to watch my older sister almost lose herself from the heartbreak it brought her, and I don’t want that…

For Jillian (Ethan is not there)

Where do you see him in five years (both professionally and in his personal life?)

Jill: Professionally speaking, I see him still at Edenbrook, running the diagnostics team. He’s really committed to the team’s vision, helping those who have nowhere else to go. Probably with a new book out and a lot more of research published as well. He’s brilliant like that. Personally… I think he’s too self-sabotaging to actually achieve something in that area. Although, I don’t rule out the possibility of Dr. Ramsey rekindling his romance with Chief Emery. I’ve seen the way they look at each other, and I’m no idiot, something is still there… Either way, I do hope he finds someone that makes him happy. He’s a great man, and he certainly deserves it.

What do you find the most impressive about him?

Jill: I want to say his intelligence, but it’s actually his heart. Underneath all that grumpiness and mean remarks, he actually has a heart of gold, so full of compassion. He cares so much about his patients, and even about interns under his supervision. He goes out of his way for them, and that tells a lot about the kind of man he is.

Last thing he texted you?

Jill: “Dr. Valentine, the results we were waiting on are out. Please make your way to my office. I need another perspective, in case I missed something.” Always so formal.

If he asked you out on a date, what would you say?

Jill: *chuckles bitterly* He wouldn’t… ask me out, I mean. Ethan is a man with a serious black and white view of the world, including his moral stand. I already tried to climb the walls he set around himself, and I ended up falling flat on my ass. So I don’t think it would ever happen. If, miraculously, he hit his head, forgot about his current dilemma and asked me out on a date… I’d say yes, in a heartbeat. But I don’t think that’s in the cards.

For Ethan (Jillian is not there)

Where do you see her in five years (both professionally and in her personal life?)

Ethan: Professionally, I see Dr. Valentine surpassing just about any doctor. She’s one of the brightest minds I’ve seen, so it wouldn’t be hard to picture her becoming a big name in medicine. I hope she’ll be in the Diagnostics Team at Edenbrook, but she could land anywhere and still have a successful career, wherever she’ll go. Probably with a book written and research published, maybe even winning awards. She’s that great. Personally, still close with her friends. On the romantic front, I’m not sure… From what I’ve seen, Jillian is not one to settle down. I’ve seen her rejecting good relationship prospects without so much as a second glance, and I’ve heard around that she doesn’t want to commit to anyone… which is good for her, because that means she won’t allow her personal life to interfere with her professional success. Though, I do wish she finds someone that makes her happy, someone worthy of her, that can give her everything she wants and deserves. I hope she finds exactly what she’s looking for.

What specifically do you find attractive about her?

Ethan: She’s not listening, is she…? *runs a hand over his face in frustration* I know I’m not supposed to, but I find everything about her attractive, from her physical looks to her intelligence, ambition and compassion. But mainly, I think it would be her charm. I know most men would say the same thing, it’s her signature, but the way she carries herself with confidence and charisma, without truly realizing the effect she has on everyone else… She’s witty and flirty, and warm, and… just herself.

Last thing she texted you?

Ethan: “I doubt you missed anything, but I’ll be right there.”

If she asked you out on a date, how would you respond?

Ethan: I know for a fact that she wouldn’t ask that. Like I said before, Jillian Valentine is not one to date. Off the record and hypothetically speaking, if our situation was different, I would say yes, without a doubt. Even if I don’t deserve her, even if I’m not worthy of her, I know she’s an incredible woman, and I’d be lucky if she decided she wanted to be with me. But I know better, that’s all hypothetical. In reality, she’s still an intern, running for a spot in my team. Not only would it be unethical and inappropriate, but it also would be damaging to her career and her reputation. She’s worked too hard to get exactly where she is, and I care too much about her to hurt her like that, so it’d be a no.

Tags: @jamespotterthefirst, @takeharryandgo, @aestheticartsx, @choicesfanaf, @fireycookie, @liaromancewriter, @trappedinfanfiction, @tsrookie, @genevievemd, @lucy-268, @writinghereandthere, @queencarb, @gryffindordaughterofathena, @ohchoices, @anntoldst0ries, @bluebellot, @schnitzelbutterfingers, @mysticaurathings, @iemcpbchoices, @itsjustamesshonestly, @shanzay44, @lsdw-blog, @heauxplesslydevoted, @starryeyedrookie, @casey-v, @mercury84choices, @chaoticchopshopheart, @quixoticdreamer16

#newlyweds game with your host bree #ethan x mc #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan ramsey x jillian valentine #dani adores bree #dani answers

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pinkpastels113 · 3 years

Text

Barking Morning

Rating: G/K+

Word Count: 1,741

Pairing: Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell

Summary: In which Chloe is livid, Beca is defensive, and a beagle is happily barking away.

B/C. One-shot. Fluff. Neighbors AU.

Excerpt:

Her fingers pull at the gate at the corner of the sidewalk, and she swings it open, striding right in, “Hey!”

A woman about her age looks up from her crouch at the inside of her sliding glass door, her hands halting in their gesture at beckoning her pet forward, and Chloe’s feet falters at the sight of startled blue eyes meeting her gaze.

The beagle that had been making its happy way back towards its owner perks up at the sound and turns its head, its tail wagging like crazy as another bark permeates the air at the sight of its distraction.

“Yeah?” Her neighbor’s voice is skeptical and wary and just at the beginnings of being defensive as her eyes lose its spark of surprise and roves over her livid figure.

Chloe’s heart pounds at the gesture and then her feet are resuming its vehement traipse forwards because as if adding insult to injury, her neighbor is attractive and if she wasn’t so freaking mad, she would’ve smiled and flirted and tried to make her acquaintance, and surely someone that attractive would’ve at least had the decency to consider the insensitivity of her actions, “Next time let your dog out after the early hours of the day, will you? Some people have to sleep and get up in the morning to go to school.”

On ao3 or ff.net or here... (cuz it’s short)

Chloe had never been so livid over something so stupid.

She is generally a relaxed and pretty laid back individual, always have been and hopefully still will be (after this one incident of course), and have always allowed things to slide off her shoulders and not be taken personally, have always smiled away an “it’s fine” and continued on her merry way.

So this proves to be a highly unusual case of her losing her mind, and combined with the fact that it had been over something so stupid, she is now positively vibrating with rage by the time she’s done trying to suppress and ignore the strong but rare emotion.

Like, who the hell allows their stupid dog outside at freaking six in the morning and then not say or do anything when he/she/it starts and then continues barking it’s freaking head off non-stop at something that’s probably completely unjustifiable and not even consider the fact that it might be a high inconvenience and annoyance to the neighbor next door?

She is a freaking med student darn it, and she has a big potentially life changing exam in just a couple hours and she has had enough with the inconsideration and the barking and the suppression of her rare lividity at the expense of herself trying to be a good and reasonable human being.

Which is saying something else, because her neighbor—whomever he or she may be—is certainly not receiving the memo or even trying to reciprocate the gesture as well.

Tightening the knot of the bathrobe at her waist and trying to not growl like the dog just outside her bedroom window, Chloe stomps to her front door and throws it open, and doesn't bother to close it as she continues on her way into her neighbor’s backyard. She knows that her hair’s mussed and her feet’s bare and she’s practically naked under her robe and that her mom would probably freak if she went to greet some stranger in her current state of undress, but she could really not care less as she storms down the walkway at the side of the house that she had recently inherited from her deceased grandparents, her feet landing on cool paved stone and then soft green grass as she reaches the half wall separating her backyard from her neighbor’s.

“Come on, buddy, time to come inside!”

Oh great, now her neighbor decides to do something, when the damage was already well and done and she was already awake and on her way to give her neighbor a piece of her mind.

Her fingers pull at the gate at the corner of the sidewalk, and she swings it open, striding right in, “Hey!”

“Yeah?” Her neighbor’s voice is skeptical and wary and just at the beginnings of being defensive as her eyes lose its spark of surprise and roves over her livid figure.

An eyebrow rises into chocolate brown hair and Chloe briefly notes that her neighbor is adorably a couple inches shorter even though she is still standing behind the threshold, “I hadn’t realized that six in the morning is considered early,” she says, crossing her arms.

Her beagle bounds up to her stop in front of the frowning brunette and barks at her feet, and Chloe tries not to eye at the soft coat of its fur and marvel at the small patch of black on its otherwise white and tan body, “It’s early enough for me to get pissed off when your dog won’t stop barking at whatever it was that it had been barking at and ruin any chance for me to go back to sleep.”

“Well, I’m sorry if it’s such an inconvenience for you that this is the only time that I can let him out before I go to work, and that you hate dogs enough to storm into my backyard in your robe and yell at me for letting him have some air before locking him up for hours on end,” she replies, shifting her weight onto one foot and leaning against the side of her sliding glass door.

Chloe sputters at the assumption and audacity of the short brunette to turn this on to her, “I don’t hate dogs; I was a vet student before I dropped out in favor of medicine!”

“I can’t imagine why.” Her tone is dry and sarcastic as her gaze travels over her robe clad figure once more, and Chloe is certain that her skin had by now turned into a shade of red rivaling that of her hair, for reasons not particular to her burning antagonism.

Before she could open her mouth for her next words however, the beagle at her feet rubs its head on her calves and twirls between her legs, tongue sticking out to lick at her shins in excitement and happiness, tail wagging enough to shake its entire rear end, and Chloe is delightedly distracted. Immediately, a laugh bubbles its way out of her chest and she shuffles her feet, trying to relieve herself of the tickling sensation and momentarily losing her hold onto her irritation.

“Guetta, stop.”

At the two word request, Chloe snaps her head up from the enthusiastic beagle and raises her brows in shock, “Guetta? You named your dog after an artist?”

A flash of interest crosses her neighbor’s face before it dissipates, her expression schooling back into neutral blankness, “Yeah, so what? Is that a problem for you as well?”

The thing about being usually laid back and rarely mad enough to lose her crap in front of a complete stranger is that it only lasts for a split second, and that once it was all done and settled and dealt with, she is back to being her usual serene self, curious about this woman who works at six in the morning and who is sarcastic in the most inopportune of times and who owns an overly energetic beagle and who names it after one of her all time favorite artists in the entire world. So she now bites her lip and steps forward, her fingers fiddling with the clasps of her robe, “Are you kidding? I love David Guetta; his song Titanium is my jam. My lady jam.”

She looks stunned at the sudden change of demeanor and subject and Chloe grins as she watches her arm uncross to run through chocolate curls, steely gaze darting away, “Oh. That’s...nice.”

“Yeah.” They make eye contact yet again, this time with none of the earlier animosity and mockery between them, and Chloe finally lets herself appreciate the angle of her cheekbones, the tattoo on her shoulder, the subtle curve of her nose, the pink glossiness of her lips. Her grin widens into a full on smile when her neighbor’s blank slate of a face cracks into an expression of tentative amusement, and she takes another step forward, toes curling in the grass, about to make another comment about her precise fondness for the song when a jubilant yip rises from her feet.

She had almost forgotten about the dog, about the subject of their less than pleasant meeting and now the subject of their more than promising connection, and she amends it by getting onto her knees and rubbing its face, patting his head and scratching his ears, and she giggles as Guetta barks happily and licks her cheek.

“I’m Chloe, by the way,” she says, pushing her hair out of her face so she can properly look at her, because it'd been only about five minutes since she had known this woman and she can already tell that she is hooked.

“Beca,” the brunette offers, rolling her eyes in fake exasperation as she watches her dog lavish Chloe with attention, not even bothering with calling him off anymore because they both knew that it would be fruitless.

“Awes,” the smile on her face seemed like a permanent fixture, and her serious lack of sleep and previous apprehension about her upcoming medical exam is the last thing on her mind, “Nice to meet you, Beca, and I’m really sorry about yelling at you for waking me up.”

Beca waves away her apology and gives one of her own, “I’m the one who should be sorry about being an inconsiderate jerk who didn’t do anything when this one here,” she nodded to Guetta who blinked innocently up at them, “Won’t stop barking at the mist in the air.”

Chloe coos at the beagle now kissing her neck about being silly before turning back to the short brunette, her appreciation for the reparation mixing with a sudden hope for a chance to make up, “It’s fine, I got over it. Let’s start over?”

Because this time she’s not a sputtering, storm-up-to-her-total-stranger-of-a-neighbor-uncaringly-half-naked mess—well, the storming part at least, the half nakedness is still glaringly obvious and the uncaring is still stubbornly in place—and her neighbor’s really attractive and not a completely insensitive jerkface, and she would now like to make her acquaintance, and then possibly, optimistically, something more, and a redo of their respective first impressions are a necessity of a step for her—them—to reach that goal...

Chloe really wishes that Beca would say yes.

Beca grins and and steps away from the threshold, beckoning for her to go in, “Yeah, lets. Join me for a cup of coffee?”

#bechloe #bechloe fanfic #bechloe fanfiction #bechloe au #bechloe oneshot #pitch perfect #pitch perfect fanfiction #beca x chloe #beca mitchell #chloe beale #bechloe fluff #neighbors au #mine

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misha-moose-dean-burger-lover · 4 years

Text

*slaps roof of fanfiction* this baby can fit so much self-projection in there ~ @rauko-is-a-free-elf s wise words. enjoy <3

Dean's the one who can't get out of bed without coffee. The one who thinks sunday brunches are a thing just because real people aren't supposed to be up by breakfast time on the weekend. The one who'll crash face first into the couch, first thing he's back from college, because screw consciousness, that's why.

And yet, it's Cas who stumbles out of the shower on seven-am-biochem-Thursday, and proceeds to trip over the carpet and land in Dean's arms.

"I'm so fucking tired."

"Of the — carpet?" Dean frowns, looking over Cas's bedhead to examine the Queen lyrics-filled specimen. He's rather fond of it.

"Of being," Cas mutters, heaving himself upright and swatting at Dean's hand when he reaches to smooth his tie. "Whoever the fuck I'm supposed to be."

Dean tries to get to his tie again, and receives a particularly pissed-off glare for his efforts.

"And who is that?" Dean throws back, playful because why not; he's expecting a sarcastic comeback, a suffering eyeroll, or even to be annoyedly swore at — which he definitely wouldn't mind, coming from his best friend slash boyfriend slash dude with the literal sexiest voice Dean's ever heard — but he's definitely not expecting Cas to launch himself at him, purposefully this time, also gentler, and bury his face in Dean's shirt.

Dean waits, worried, but hands coming up involuntarily to hug back.

Cas doesn't budge.

"Babe?"

All the reaction that induces is for Cas to cling harder. And for words to get muttered — and reasonably muffled, into Dean's shirt.

"I hate that guy."

Dean raises his eyebrows, belatedly realizing Cas can't see them. "Huh?"

"The guy I'm supposed to be." Cas goes on, gritting his teeth. "Dean, I hate him. He makes my life miserable. And I — I'm just so tired."

And at that, Cas decides the point's been made, and stops talking entirely, leaving Dean with little more to do than hold on.

And think.

He knows Cas never got a chance to make the choices most people take for granted. The guy never got to choose his major, choose his hobbies. Hell, hardly even his friends. Private schooled and isolated until his parents up and shipped him off to Princeton pre-med, Dean's always believed Cas had the right to be mad.

Even though he's now in actual med-school, a year from becoming Doctor Novak — Dean gets a secret thrill every time he imagines that, and Cas knows, so it's not a very well-kept secret — and no longer in touch with his parents (who turned out, unsurprisingly, to be assholes who cut him off when they found out Cas is gay. Well, pansexual, but they didn't really care about labels once they'd met Cas's boyfriend. Dean. Who likes to take some of the credit for his boyfriend's relatively new disowned status, even though it had mostly been Cas being a badass, and finally, finally standing up for himself.)

So one might say things turned out fine, and there's no reason to hold grudges, but if Cas wanted to, Dean would have a hundred percent declared it valid.

But that's where Cas came in. That's where who he was, came in. A thinker, a dreamer, but grounded enough to not hold onto the anger. Independent, but rarely reckless. Plus, aware enough to work hard and reap well, while at the same time, searching for reasons to find the good in things.

Dean loves him, and admires him. Admires his intelligence, and tenacity, and courage. But this had never happened before.

Dean may have been the initiator of most hugs, but that could usually be traced down to Cas's nonexistent social skills, and Dean's embarrassing dependency on touch, in lieu of words. This, was one of the most passionately Dean had seen Cas feel something, outside of love.

And it was rattling.

If being this way — this ideal everything; top of his class, tireless, always in control — was burning Cas out, it couldn't go on. Dean would take a less 'functional' Cas over the wrecked-sounding prodigy in his arms anyday.

And god knew Dean Winchester was far from perfect himself.

There was only one way ahead.

Dean holds on quietly, and a couple minutes pass. Clearly Cas needs it, seeing as how he dissolves more into Dean as the seconds pass, the frustration leaving him vacant and devoid of energy.

"Cas?"

Cas shifts in his arm, tenses a bit. "I'm sorry, I —" He starts, sounding too obviously disappointed for some reason, and Dean hates it.

"Dude." Dean cuts him off, somehow not cheerful, but still bright. It's always easier talking someone down like this, and Cas has always, strangely, drawn from Dean's moods. "You're going to apologize for needing a hug?"

Cas remains quiet.

They both know it was more than that. Cas has calmed considerably, but he wasn't himself before. Or he was. Now, he's almost normal — but it feels like he's being who he's normally supposed to be again, and that's not good.

"Also," Dean continues, undeterred by the lack of response. "That guy? Sounds like a real piece of work. Ever thought of cutting him off?"

"It doesn't work that way."

"Don't see why not."

"Dean —"

"So it won't happen in a day." Dean realizes Cas is shifting again, and a little uncertainly, lets him pull away. Thankfully, he stays in Dean's space, albeit carrying his weight on his own two feet. Dean doesn't know what to do with his hands anymore, so he takes Cas's in them. Cas lets him. "It'll take time, be a process and whatnot, and you'll have me with you, you'll have all our friends really. Plus, isn't college about experimenting?"

Cas makes a sound which sounds like a chuckle he couldn't exactly help, and Dean preens, encouraged by it.

"And it's not like I'm about to let you go try and play for the other side," He adds, lightly. "You're stuck with me. But this could be your adventure."

There's a more comfortable silence.

Cas breaks it this time, clearing his throat. "You don't think I'm too young for a midlife crisis?"

"Take it from someone who raised Sam fucking Winchester, babe. This is way more of a teenage crisis." Cas cringes visibly at that, but that just means it's working. "Breaking out of your barriers, discovering who you really are? Netflix's coming-of-age producers are coming for your twenty seven year old ass."

Cas shakes his head, grumbling at him, but he's already sounding more like himself, and Dean can work with this. "You're mean to me sometimes."

"You tackle me like a mascot scoring a touchdown-hug sometimes."

Cas snorts. "That hardly makes sense."

"Your face hardly makes sense." Dean wastes no time in hurtling the first response in his head, and it earns him a less reluctant laugh. The weariness in Cas's voice remains, but the upset is wearing off.

"Great comeback, wasn't that?"

"Your face is a great comeback." Dean informs him with a huff, as he leans in to kiss the smug look off his boyfriend's face. Cas meets him halfways, tilting his head, and sliding a hand up Dean's arm and shoulder until it's around his neck. His fingers stroke the short hairs at the back of Dean's head, and he tugs just the way Dean likes it, earning a full shudder from the latter as he pulls back breathlessly.

"Are you trying to distract me?" Dean accuses dramatically, hand on his heart.

Cas shrugs, pulling on a nonchalant look, and almost succeeding. "You were making my dilemma sound too solvable. A man is excused some defense mechanisms, isn't he?"

"Not when I'm making progress, sunshine." Dean throws back. "Just, hear me out, okay? You want to do this, you're going to be making changes. Doing things, and more importantly, giving up things that don't feel like you. It doesn't even have to be a big deal. Unless you want it to be. I mean, you're a sucker for planning, making lists, that sorta thing, right?"

The easy smile has started returning to Cas's features again, and he nods. A little. (As if he appreciates Dean's rambling, and because he's Cas, he probably does.)

"So that's where we start. Hell, I could buy you a binder. There's this stationary place Charlie does not shut up about, and they might have those huge, black, spiralbound binders. Which I figure you're secretly obsessed with, you know, since you're secretly a nerd." Dean reasons, satisfiedly.

"It's hardly a secret."

"Oh, it is." He beams. "And I, your awesome, hot boyfriend, am your cover."

Cas rolls his eyes with feeling, leaving Dean basking in a momentary sense of accomplishment. But it's not the time. And it may have been him rambling, but it's not about him.

"So," He raises his eyebrows. "What do you say?"

Cas draws in a breath. "I say," he swallows. "Yes. Okay, I mean. Yeah. You — you make it sound doable. Plausible, somehow." Cas bites his lip. "Come to think of it, I haven't thought of a particular something I want to change, and I know I'll probably rethink everything six more times, and I know you'll still be patient with me, even when I don't change what doesn't feel right, just because I'm too used to it, and truthfully, maybe it's too soon to be thinking of changes, and we should slow down, especially you, because you're wonderful, but I don't think I can change myself as efficiently — and I don't think we can, either. But I'm grateful, and I agree, and I want to change things as well, and I'd like a binder, really, and you —" Cas scrubs his face with a hand. "I just know, that I - I feel different."

Dean grins. "Yeah?"

Cas breathes in again, slower. On the exhale, he sighs. "I love you."

"That ain't exactly a 'different' anymore, babe." Dean reminds, and it's all the motivation Cas needed to wrap his arms around Dean again, and plant a firm, telling kiss on his lips.

"I know. But it's easier to say, and I know you understand."

"Yeah, I do."

Dean smiles, and Cas mirrors it, crinkled eyes and showing gums, and an uncharacteristic dampness in his eyes in spite of the breathtaking smile, and it's too damn beautiful a sight to not kiss again.

So Dean does, and Cas only smiles wider, more beautiful.

In around twelve minutes, Cas's alarm for six forty-five goes off, and he pulls back in a frenzy — as dazed as Dean from the makeout, but senses just enough present to realize he's going to be late for his lecture.

They figure it out though, like they figure out most things — Dean puts together a sandwich while Cas gets dressed, and later drives him to class in his Baby, since he's obviously missed the bus. Cas ends up only three minutes late, and it's a good thing Dr. Harvelle is in a good mood, because she at least pretends to believe their unbelievably trite excuse, delivered in Dean's most earnest voice. ("Traffic.")

Later that evening, when Dean's back from his shift at the autoshop — it helps pay bills, and he gets to add 'experience' under engineering on his resume — and Cas is back from the hospital, and they're piled on the couch in front of the TV watching reruns of Doctor Sexy, tangled in each other, Dean remembers something he's been meaning to ask since the moment he gave what happened that morning, some thought.

"Hey, babe." he begins, as a by-the-way. "What exactly happened this morning?"

"I believe I tackled you like a mascot scoring a touchdown-hug." Cas answers, in the straightest of voices because he's hilarious like that.

"Yeah, I mean — you did." Dean snorts at the callback. "But like, what triggered it?"

"Oh." Cas pauses. "I believe we ran out of shaving foam."

"Shaving foam." Dean repeats, incredulously.

"Yes." Cas doesn't even have the courtesy to grin, when Dean snickers. "And usually, we have a spare bottle. I — I tend to make sure of it. But I checked, and we didn't, and I was supposed to make sure we don't completely run out of these things, and I didn't, and I —" He shrugs. "I just hated that I forgot, so much, in that one minute of staring at the mirror, and I was agitated, until —" Dean blinks, and Cas affords a tiny smile. "I realized I couldn't do this anymore. I had a revelation, it would seem, at how pointless all of that self-loathing was, and how I've tired entirely of being that person."

"So you got mad that you got mad?"

"I — kind of. But it was mostly the shaving foam." Cas points out, now deadpanning on purpose because Dean can't hold back the laugh. Nobody in the universe could have an identity crisis over shaving foam except for Castiel fucking Novak, and Dean gets to live with this ridiculous sonuvabitch, the adorable fucker, and watch him get more unbelievably perfect by the day.

"Cas?" He lets out, still laughing. "Proud as I am of your moment of truth, and you deciding to go easy on your expectations of you and all that, can I just say something?"

"Of course." Cas responds, immediately.

"I think I like you better with the peach fuzz."

And so it's Cas's turn to burst into a laugh, and it's not like Dean's stopped anyways, so eventually it's just the both of them laughing through the evening, and laughing through dinner, still tangled in each other, still piled on the couch, and Doctor Sexy still playing in the background, because some things change, and other things don't, and some things won't, and that's that.

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makerkenobi · 3 years

Text

this can’t happen obi wan x reader

a/n: yay!! first post on this blog!! this will probably have a part 2 bc it needs one! my inbox is open for requests- welcome everyone! i’m so excited to be here! ignore typos i didn’t proofread

join my taglist!

warnings: cussing, battle scene, grief, lots of angst, reference to passing out, i’m not sure what else- if i missed anything please let me know

word count: 2421

Being a Jedi was quite difficult, actually. You were constantly going on missions, and never had time to make connections with the people around you. You traveled planet to planet, but you could never take time to appreciate the beauty. You had a mission on each and every one, and you knew you would never be able to settle down somewhere for the rest of your life. You were okay with this though, you were prepared to commit your entire life to being a Jedi, this is who you are. You understood why Jedi’s are not allowed to form attachments, because nothing is certain for them. Correction, nothing is certain for you. You often forgot your role as a Jedi, you have been training your whole life, and yet sometimes you would forget; this is your reality.

You loved being a Jedi, or maybe you hated it- just a little bit. Your whole life was spent training to protect others, and not grow attached to others. Your identity was based on this fact, that you could love, but not too much. You could be friends, but nothing more. Maybe this was selfish of you, but you couldn’t really agree with this part of being a Jedi. You did your very best to not form an attachment, to not fall in love with him, but your efforts were in vain.

“Master Y/L/N, what do we have here?” Obi Wan asked as you attempted to mediate in the Jedi temple.

“Master Kenobi, I’m sure you know better than to disturb a Jedi while they’re mediating,” You replied, opening your eyes to look at him.

“I am aware of that, y/n,” He paused. “However, I sensed you weren’t actually mediating. Do you want to discuss why that is?”

He put his arm out to you, and you placed your hand into it as he helped you up from the ground. You tried to wipe off the creases that were made from sitting in your cross-legged position.

“I have a lot on my mind,” You whispered. “I can’t seem to focus on anything.”

Obi Wan nodded his head in understanding as the two of you walked out of the room, and down the hallways of the temple.

“Perhaps we should discuss what in particular you have on your mind?” He prompted. “May I?”

He was of course referring to using the force to reach out to you, to read your thoughts.

“Another time, Master,” You responded rather quickly. “I have to prepare for a mission.”

Obi Wan nodded, you knew he sensed your hesitation, yet never questioned it. You started to walk away from him, heading towards your room to prepare before you heard him call out.

“Y/N,” His voice gentle. “May the force be with you.”

You gave him a smile, and nodded your head before walking to your room. When you entered, your room was dark and quiet. You sat down on the couch, taking a breath to prepare yourself for what you were about to walk into. Your heart was aching, a cloud of sadness followed you wherever you went these days. Maybe it was the weather, you thought. That’s what’s making you so blue right now. Only, it wasn’t the weather- it never is.

You changed into your uniform, clipping the belt on, and adding your lightsaber to it. You did a couple jumps to make sure your belt would stay, you even whipped out your lightsaber and practiced moving it back and forth to get your head back to what really mattered; the mission.

You made your way to the transport dock, conversing with the other clones coming with you. You were leading the mission, everyone was counting on you to call the shots during this. You were concerned, this mission was particularly difficult. You were providing aid to an air attack happening in the outer rim of the galaxy, Anakin was already there but requested assistance.

The fact that Anakin was requesting more people did concern you, because he was never the best at deciding when to call off an attack. So, you really had no idea what you were walking into.

You walked into the ship, getting seated down next to the pilot as the clones went onto the other ship, and prepared for take off.

“You didn’t think you’d be going alone, little one?” A familiar voice called out from behind you.

You smiled, shaking your head as you turned around to be met with Obi Wan’s piercing blue eyes.

“Should I be worried that the council is sending you, Master Kenobi?” You questioned. You hoped you didn’t do anything to make them doubt your abilities to lead a mission.

“Actually, y/n, the council isn’t sending me,” He admitted. He sat down beside you, strapping himself in while talking. “I decided to come on my own.”

“Had nothing else going on?” You joked. He let out a small laugh, then stroked his beard while he looked over at you.

“I needed to see Anakin’s shenanigans for myself,” He responded, half joking. Obi Wan had discussed his concerns over Anakin’s recklessness with you on more than one occasion, and you agreed with him every time. Anakin was reckless, but an excellent Jedi.

You filled Obi Wan in as the ships made their way to the location of the attack. Anakin was facing a separatists ship with only a few star fighters. Anakin had requested you and your clones’s presence for reinforcement, but you weren’t sure if this would end in contributing to the battle, or convincing Anakin to leave.

“You okay?” Obi Wan whispered in your ear. You looked up at him, and nodded.

“Yeah,” You responded. “Just thinking about the mission.”

“You’re worried,” He pointed out. You were about to answer “yes” but you were interrupted by seeing the battle in front of your eyes.

You immediately unbuckled yourself, and started talking to the clones through the comm link, discussing plans on how to help. You ordered the clones to use the clone Z-95 star fighters that were aboard their ship.

You felt useless, you essentially were only here to overlook the battle, and help the clones with where and how to attack. Obi Wan being there made it a little less stressful, he could help you during the attack.

“Finally!” Anakin yelled over the comm link. “What took you so long, y/n?”

You rolled your eyes before you spoke, “We came as fast as possible, Anakin. The clones are coming towards you right now.”

Obi Wan shook his head, then went back to stroking his beard. He was deep in thought.

“Anakin,” He spoke. “Be smart about this, know your limits.”

“Master Kenobi!” He yelled. “What are you doing here? Master Y/L/N, you are a traitor for this!”

You and Obi Wan laughed while watching the clones head towards Anakin to help him. You had hoped to get on to the Separatist’s ship yourself, and take it down from the inside, but you were now realizing that idea was not going to work. Your eyes widened as you started to watch your clone’s ships get blasted by the Separatist ship.

“I don’t know about this, Obi,” You let out. You were shaking your head, thinking of what to do next. He looked at you with great concern, he was realizing this attack was getting out of hand as well. The Separatist ship started releasing fighters as well, and they just kept growing in numbers.

“I’m calling it,” You announced, and Obi Wan nodded his head in agreement. You voiced your concerns to the clones over the comm link, begging for them to retreat.

“What? No! We can get them!” Anakin yelled back. “Don’t retreat!”

“Anakin, please!” Obi Wan screamed. Your eyes widened, as his voice was right next to your ears. You had never seen him this angry before.

“Yes, Master,” Anakin groaned, and began to retreat.

“With all due respect, Master Y/L/N, we’re not going to retreat,” Rex said over the intercom. You slammed your hand on the empty space of the control center.

“And why the hell not?” You yelled back.

“We can take them,” He replied.

“No, you can’t, Rex” You shot back. “Please come back.”

There was silence, and you looked at Obi Wan, his face just as concerned as yours. You let out a sigh, and ran your fingers through your hair. He put his hand on your shoulder, his eyes gently catching yours. You placed your hand on top of his own, acknowledging his effort to comfort you. Anakin had reached the other ship, retiring his star fighter for the night. You and Obi Wan stood next to each other as you watched the battle unfold in front of you.

There was a lot of shooting, and you were glad Obi Wan was beside you as you stood there in such a helpless position.

You felt it before it even happened, the force was calling out to you, warning you. One of the Separatist fighters had hit Rex’s fighter, and you screamed in agony. You saw his ship go down, and you cried out after him. You fell to your knees, one of your best men had just fallen. Everything was such a blur, but you think you remember Obi Wan yelling for the rest of the clones to retreat now.

He picked you up off the ground as sobs consumed your entire body. He took you to the med bay in the ship, sitting on the bed as he continued to hold you. Get it together, you thought. You needed to be stronger than this, your men needed you.

“It’s okay, y/n,” Obi Wan reassured. “It’s okay, Anakin’s got your men. Don’t worry.”

You nodded as you started to collect yourself, and brought yourself off of Obi Wan. You sat next to him, your head in your hands as he placed a hand on your back, rubbing it gently. You sat up to look at him, his blue eyes sparkled in the light of the room. You sniffled, then placed a hand on his cheek. His beard felt rough against your calloused hands. You couldn’t look away, you couldn’t even take your hand off of his face.

“What are you doing?” He questioned while putting his hand over your own, and brought it off of your face.

“I’m sorry,” You whispered. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Attachments are strictly forbidden,” Obi Wan said sternly. He stood up, leaving you on the bed alone.

“I know,” You agreed, nodding your head. You looked at him as he stood in front of you. He looked confused, like he was processing what had just happened.

“What were you thinking?” He ordered you to answer as he ran his hand through his hair.

“I wasn’t,” You responded. You shook your head, then looked down. You couldn’t stand looking at him, how disappointed he was with you.

“You’re smarter than that, Y/N,” Obi Wan continued. “I’m quite shocked at your actions.”

“Master Kenobi, it was just a hand on your cheek,” You defended yourself. “Nothing happened.”

You looked back up at him, and he shook his head. You could feel tears start to swell as you have started to realize he does not feel the same way. He doesn’t think about what it would be like to kiss you when he’s trying to fall asleep, the way you do with him. His heart doesn’t ache every time you are apart, like your heart aches. You were realizing this, and you couldn’t dare be in this room anymore. You just lost your best Commander in a battle you didn’t want to be apart of, and now you’re about to lose your best friend.

You stood up, not saying a word as you walked towards the door. Your hands at your side, you tried not to look back to see Obi Wan one last time. You were certain he was going to turn you over to the council, and you couldn’t bare the thought of that. Before you could reach the door though, his hand wrapped around your arm, pulling you back.

You spun around to face him, your lips only inches apart. You felt his breath on your face, he was breathing so heavy. Your eyes widened in shock, looking down at the hand around your arm then back at his eyes. He stared at you, as if he was contemplating his next move. You went to open your mouth to say something, but he stopped you.

“Not another word from you,” He demanded.

You nodded your head, and he dropped his hand from your arm. Your bodies were so close, you were almost touching him. One small step, and you were his. You inhaled sharply as his hand met with your lower back, his actions startling you. Your hands were still at your side, you couldn’t decipher what his next move would be.

Obi Wan parted his mouth open, as if he was going to say something, but didn’t. The hand that was on your back pushed you gently, so your bodies were touching. You were on fire, the anticipation was killing you. Your stomach filled with butterflies, his beard gently scraping your face. You couldn’t take it anymore, you threw your hands on his neck.

He placed his other hand on your jaw, and pulled you into him. His mouth tasted like salt and mint. Your lips moved together in sync, as if you’ve done this a hundred times. His beard scratched against your skin, and you loved it. The two of you stood in this room, kissing just as you had imagined it. Your lips tangled with one another as the passion and lust encapsulated the entire room. You were aching for more an-

He pulled away from you, putting his forehead on yours and breathing heavy.

“That can’t happen again,” He let out, then walked out of the room, leaving you all alone. You brought your hand to your mouth, and your eyes searched the room for answers. You turned around to look at the door he just walked out of, then put your hand on the wall beside you as you felt dizziness rush over you. You then leaned your entire body on the wall, and your legs gave out beneath you. The last thing you remember was calling out for Obi Wan, then the room went black.

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islandwrites · 2 years

Note

Grace, I keep self-sabotaging and ruining opportunities for myself and don’t know how to stop. I got multiple emails from my dream companies with interview offers but didn’t respond. I procrastinate past deadlines. it’s probably due to my anxiety and ADHD, but whatever it is, it’s wrecking me.

I know you’re not on here regularly anymore, but you gave me great advice years ago, and I never forgot it. hope you’re doing well

babe! I'm so sorry that I didn't see this until right this very minute! tumblr was silly and didn't notify me. I hope it's not too late to help.

first I want to ask you why you haven't been able to respond. by finding the true answer to this question you will get to a place where you can begin to help yourself heal. now, I know that there have been times in my life, especially in my undergrad, where I could barely bring myself to open my email inbox because I was crushed by the very thought of the expectations that would await me once I had opened any new emails. this was partly due to exhaustion, but it was first and foremost because I was terrified of being any less than what others desired of me. I wanted to be perfect at everything and so I did nothing. is this ringing any bells?

it took me time and a lot of practice to realize that other people didn't care as much as I thought they did about how well I performed. my bosses, colleagues, classmates, and mentors were merely out here surviving, just like me, and at the end of the work day, they wouldn't remember whether I did or didn't achieve some particular goal or if I made this or that mistake. not to be cringe, but there's a scene in Schitt's Creek that communicates this lesson really well. David is anxious about renewing his driver's license because he is worried about what the examiner will think of him if he makes a mistake, and so he puts off the test until Alexis says "ugh *David,* literally nobody cares." I had a revelation when I heard this hard truth, which is somehow so simple yet had escaped me for so many years (and still escapes me sometimes).

for me, finding a way to START the work has always been about realizing that the work I do or don't do won't matter to anyone else at the end of the day except for ME, and maybe the communities I'm helping to serve. the higher-ups will go home and have a glass of wine and continue to live their lives and time will keep moving. realizing that you're only out here to impress YOU can be really liberating.

and then my love there's a much simpler answer to all this as well. ADHD can be really hard, I know--but there are medications out there for it. a friend of mine recently started on ADHD meds and texted me being like "WAIT THE WORLD IS THIS GOOD?" it's not always easy to get access to a diagnosis, but if you have the resources, use them. it could change your life.

if this was entirely unhelpful, pls do clarify for me what you're currently feeling and I'll try again. <3

#asks

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depressedacadamia · 3 years

Text

The Anatomy of the Sun- Chapter I

Edit- This is the first chap in a Percy Jackson/ Greys anatomy AU as well as my first fic! It’s going to follow the Grey’s anatomy plot behind the patients and the romances will be loosely based off it. I hope you do enjoy it! It was inpsired by @buoyantsaturn and their fic ‘Into you like a train’.

Summary: Dr Will Solace just transferred to the New York Presybetarian hospital to become their Head of Trauma. Dr Nico Di Angelo is a month fresh out of Med- school and is starting his internship at New York Presbytarian. Nico, excited to join his best friend and head of the neurology department- Percy Jackson, wants to prove that he is not just the legacy that his sister- Bianca Di Angelo, left. As the doctors battle to save lives, they also battle to save relationships- but some may say it's too late.

Chapter I- Work Work

Nico could feel his chest pounding as he drove. It wasn’t a good kind of pounding, not that there ever really is, but a -my heart is beating so damn fast - kind of pounding. Today was his first day at New York Presbytarian Hospital as an actual doctor. A surgeon. An intern.

He groaned as he remembered that he would basically be the servant of his bosses for the next year. He wished his sister was here- she’d tell him how awesome he’d be, all the cool parts of internship and how ‘the friends you make here are friends for life’. Nico wasn’t nervous about friends though- he had known the Head of Neuro, Percy Jackson, for almost his entire life. In fact, it had been Percy who inspired him to become a surgeon. Nico knew- As a surgeon, you either have what it takes to play or you don’t. Nico’s sister , Bianca, was one of the greats, Nico on the other hand was so screwed.

The first Nico noticed about the hospital was that it was very very bright. Maybe it wasn’t and Nico was panicking; it wouldn’t be so beyond him. He watched as several other cars pulled up with other newbies similar to himself. He noticed that some people had their own stethoscopes- would anybody notice that his was used? The stethoscope he wore had the initials B.D.A engraved into the side of the drum. Did it matter if someone noticed that his was old? He could easily afford a new one either way but he had wanted to wear his sister's one. He hoped it would bring him good luck because he had a good feeling that he was going to need it.

He walked into the Hospital where he was directed to a cleared Operating Room for the new interns who were having their introduction. He passed a group of attendings, all of whom he vaguely recognised but he noticed one in particular with curly blond hair. Of all the years he had tagged along with Percy to hang out at the hospital, he had never seen that dude- Why haven’t I seen him before?

“Every one of you comes here today hopeful, wanting in the game. A month ago you were in med school being taught by doctors- Today, you are the doctors. The seven years you spend here as a surgical resident will be the best and worst of your life. You will be pushed to the breaking point. Look around you- say hello to your competition. 8 of you will switch to an easier speciality. 5 of you will crack under the pressure, 2 of you will be asked to leave. This is your starting line- This is your arena. How do you play? That's up to you,” A man with long brown hair and greying roots dramatically explained. Nico realised that this was the Chief of Surgery- Chiron! Nico was surprised to learn that he still worked here after all these years. He recalled Bianca talking about Chiron who had been her mentor.

Nico looked around at what was his competition- as he thought, he was so screwed.

As he made his way into the locker room, some faces became familiar. He recalled some of these faces- the people he had met at the mixer. Nico decided to focus on work and not making friends; if someone spoke to him, he’d reply but he was not initiating any conversations. He had diagnosed himself with the overall dislike of humanity. Just as he was contemplating wearing his white coat, ( he remembered Bianca telling him that everyone knows that the doctors with the cleanest coats are the newbies and he did not want people noticing) the girl to his left with cropped brown hair and a determined expression tapped him on the shoulder.

“You’re Nico right? Which resident have you got?” She asked.

“Yeah, I’m Nico and I’ve got Chase. What about you?”

“ Same. And it’s Meg.”

A guy from across the room turned around, excited to have something in common with others. His hair was short and blond but not the same colour as the new attending that Nico had noticed earlier. This guy's hair was almost a platinum kind of blond whereas the attending had golden hair- Like the colour of sunrise.

“You’ve got her too? So did I- You’re Nico, Nico Di Angelo right? I’m Jason Grace- we met at the mixer. You made a bold impression; black, skinny ripped jeans, Ramone T-shirt and skull rings despite the fact it was obviously a work event… Okay I’ll stop talking,” The man rushed out all at once.

“Grace, Mccaffrey, Di Angelo and June!” A voice called out into the locker room. Nico looked at what were supposed to be his future friends. If he was supposed to feel some sort of magical bond with them- he sure as hell was not. The girl in front (who Nico could only assume was Dr June) was almost hopping - okay, she’s a happy person, Avoid her at all costs- he put in a mental reminder. Nico watched as she approached the Blonde woman at the desk. Nico almost face palmed- Her surname was Chase- this had to be Percy’s girlfriend that he had been telling him about over the phone a while ago. June started talking only to be cut off.

“I’m Juniper June but most people just call me-”

“I have 5 rules, memorise them. Rule number 1- don’t bother sucking up, I already hate you, that's not gonna change. Trauma protocol, phone list and pagers-” Annabeth pointed to the desk behind her. There lay 4 pagers which all the interns, including Nico, scrambled forward to grab.

“-Nurses will page you, you answer every page at a run- you hear me? A run, Rule number 2- Your first shift starts now and lasts 48 hours. You’re interns, grunts, nobodies- bottom of the surgical food chain. You run labs, write orders, work every second night until you drop and don’t complain!” She called as she led them across the bridge and into the second section of the hospital. Nico, not being the tallest person, struggled slightly to keep up. They walked into a dark room that seemed to have bunk beds with thin mattresses and flimsy unmade covers.

“On call rooms- attendings hog them- sleep when you can, where you can, which brings me to Rule number 3. If I’m sleeping, don’t wake me unless your patient is actually dying. Rule number 4- the dying patient better not be dead when I get there. Not only will you have killed a person, you would have woken me up for no good reason. We clear?”

Nico was clear but he also wasn’t. He doesn’t remember Bianca telling him any of these rules and he also didn’t recall hearing the 5th rule. Did she already say it when he wasn’t listening? He didn’t think so but he also didn’t want to look like an idiot. He decided to ask, if he was going to fail at this hospital, he might as well fail knowing everything there was to know.

“That's only 4 rules. You said there were 5.” Nico slid in between Meg and Dr Grace, his head only up to the bases of their necks. Just Nico said those words, he heard a beeping which he could only assume came from someone's pager. Annabeth immediately looked down, grabbing the pager she had tagged into her waist.

“Rule number 5- When I move, you move.”

Hour 1

Nico slipped on his gloves as he stood in the elevator with the other interns. The second he heard its ‘ping’ he rushed forward, eager to learn. The wind blasted into his eyes and immediately, Nico raised his hands to cover his face. His hair flopped about as the helicopter descended in front him. He raised his head slightly and saw the same golden haired attending that he had noticed earlier- Nico took a guess that he was the trauma surgeon. He followed Dr. Chase who ran forward and helped lift the stretcher out of the helicopter. Nico perked his ears up as he heard the trauma surgeon recite her history.

“Katie Bryce, 15 years old, female, new onset seizures- intermittent for the past week. IV lost en route- Started grand mal seizing as we descended,” He shouted over the loud roar of the engine. Crap, Grand mal seizures, really? God really thought lets give me a hard case. They rushed to get her inside and Nico was trying to not panic as he heard Dr. Chase command the staff like it was her own mini army.

“Put her on her side. 10 Milligrams of diazepam. No, the white lead is on the right. Righty whitey, smoke over fire. Give her a large bore IV, Don’t let the blood hemolyze.”

A different doctor walked in, his hair was black and cut short. His skin was a creamy white and Nico recognised the second language under ‘Doctor Zhang’ on his white coat to be chinese.

“Dr. Chase, what do we have?” He asked, flipping through her chart.

“Right now, nothing.”

“Okay, let's shotgun her.” He raised his hands and took a step backwards, allowing for the interns to continue their treatment.

“Okay, you heard the man. Shotgun means every test in the book- CT, CBC, Chem 7, Tox screen. Mccaffery- you’re running labs, Grace- patient work ups and Di Angelo- take her for a CT,” Dr. Chase ordered

“Um, Dr. Chase, I think you forgot me,” Juniper piped up meekly. Annabeth turned around and gave her a firm look before telling her,

“Honey, you’re doing rectal exams.”

Nico couldn’t tell if he should laugh at the poor intern or console her.

Each intern was busy. Extraordinarily busy. Nico did not expect the line for the CT machine to be so long. This was the best hospital in all of New York! You’d think they would be much faster but no, here Nico was with his patient who he had recently learnt, loved to talk… about herself.

“I’m missing my pageant,” Kaite whined.

“You’re missing your pageant?” Nico had to physically restrain himself from snorting. So that's what non- doctors and people with normal lives did. Things like going to pageants.

“Yeah! And I was super excited because the judges were getting to the talents for the pageant- Mine is rhythmic gymnastics. I sprained my ankle and fell when I was training but now I was soo ready but then...” she threw her arms up slightly signifying everything around them and Nico understood- she had a seizure which stopped her from competing.

“Katie Bryce’s labs came out clear, nothing in the results that would explain her seizures,” Meg informed Dr. Chase who was currently peeking her head out of a surgery. Dr. Chase nodded and was about to return to assisting on the procedure when Meg started talking again

“I heard that the attending picks the most promising intern on the first to perform a minor procedure.”

Dr. Chase looked anything but impressed.

“Go away,” she deadpanned as she closed the door in Meg’s face and returned to her surgery.

“It’s just what I heard!” Meg mumbled exasperatedly as she left the scrub room.

Hour 7

The cafeteria was full. One would think the hospital cafeteria would be stocked with healthy foods but in reality it was quite the opposite. It was stacked with a bunch of doctors telling you to eat healthy food as they stuffed their faces with pizza. The seating arrangements weren’t much different from a high school. You sit with who you know and avoid the ones in charge. Meg, Jason, Juniper and a group of other interns were all grouped together not too far away from the group of attendings and 3 residents.

“You know Nico is inbred.” Meg popped the fact onto the other interns.

“Like it’s uncommon to be related to a doctor, my sister is Dr Thalia Grace.”Jason pointed his thumb to the girl with jet back hair and array of ear piercings who was currently smiling wickedly.

“No like royally inbred, his sister is Bianca Di Angelo,” Meg insisted.

“Shut up! The Bianca Di Angelo?” Juniper joined in.

“Who is Bianca Di Angelo?” Jason, as clueless as ever, asked. The entire table exploded into whispers and gasps.

“Where do you live, under a rock? The angel method? Where do you think that came from?”

“She’s a living legend!”

“She’s won 2 harper Averies!”

“Talk about familial pressure.”

“Um, incoming Nico Di Angelo,” Jason tried to speak over the food in his mouth unsuccessfully. Luckily, the other interns looked in the direction of him and shut their mouths up in time. Nico, with his 3rd cup of coffee that day slumped into a chair and slammed his head onto the table.

“Katie Bryce is a pain in my ass. If I hadn’t taken the hippocratic oath, I’d kevorkian her with my bare hands,” Nico groaned. Juniper, eager to get his mind off an annoying patient chirped in,

“I heard Chase and Jackson were dating- A resident and an attending!”

“They are,” Nico confirmed as the interns stole glances at the attending and the resident together, surprised that Dr. Chase had the ability to laugh or smile.

“Who wants to go for an attending? Bet ya none of you can,” Meg poked fun at them.

“I bet ya I could do Solace, he’s new apparently,” Nico hummed as he peacefully sipped his coffee, closing his eyes to enjoy the smell that drifted into his nose.

“Meg, you wanna go for Valdez?” Juniper curiously poked.

“Nah, he’s only a resident and besides- He’s totally making eyes at Calypso. Letting a resident try to get into an attending pants is way more fun. I wanna see him fall into a hole.”

All of the interns stopped and turned to Meg, a slightly horrified look growing on their faces.

“Okay, now that Satan has stopped talking, who wants to put down their bets?” Jason beamed as Meg sneaked a quick punch to arm which had him cowering for a bit longer than necessary. The interns were all mucking about until a new voice joined the conversation.

“Hey! I just transferred to Chase’s service, I don’t really know anyon-”

“-Hazel?” Nico’s confused voice echoed and his eyes shot open at the recognition of the soft voice.

“Nico?” Hazel raised an eyebrow. They had both agreed to go to work in separate hospitals to limit family drama. Ever since they had found out they were related, the family tensions had been higher than ever. Nico had assumed Hazel would go to a different hospital and leave New York Presbyterian for him and it seems Hazel had assumed the same vice versa.

“You two know each other?” A voice, recognised as Meg, called out.

“I’m Doctor Hazel Levesque. Newest Surgical intern under Dr Chase.” She reached out and gave her hand to Meg who shook it firmly. She gave another hand shake to Jason and a nod to Nico- both of them had ignored Meg’s question.

“Final call, who’s going in?” Jason reminded them.

“Me- Solace is new, hot, probably clueless and he’s the new Head attending in trauma.” Nico slammed his hand onto the table, indicating he was all in. It was easy, right? Seduce him and then manipulate. It couldn’t be too hard.

Around 2 tables away from the interns, the attendings and residents were chatting away. Will, who had only recently joined the hospital, was still getting used to the way people behaved here. Everyone was so much more nice than he had expected. He remembered how people warned him about New York folks but in all honesty, Will would say that he was having a pretty good time, especially if the Di Angelo intern stayed in his eyeline-

“-Solace is eyeing the interns!” Percy’s excited voice cut into Will’s thoughts. Horrified, Will managed to sputter out,

“I am not eyeing the interns!”

“I like the newbie, she seems nice- better than the rest at least,”Frank mumbled about Hazel as he sipped at his hot tea. Piper to his left admitted,

“Blond one’s hot.”

“That blond one is my brother,” Thalia grunted.

“Why doesn’t anyone call me hot?” Leo pouted as he rolled up the other sleeve of his shirt calling the attention of Calypso’s eyes.

I’d totally call you hot , She thought.

She only glanced once.. Maybe twice… okay she was staring at him. But ever since Leo had become a resident, she kept on thinking they had to potential to become what.. Well, what Annabeth and Percy had become. Sure, she had rejected all his previous advances but she didn’t want to. She just didn’t think the timing was right- She was very aware that simply telling him the timing wasn’t right was a much more mature thing to do than acting bratty every time he spoke to her.

“Valdez, go make sure none of the pre-surgery kids aren’t sneaking pudding. There’s always bound to be one.” Dr Reyna Ramirez batted her hand towards her resident who gave her a mock salute before walking off. Calypso, unaware that everyone was watching, had her eyes glued to Leo.

“Calypso is totally checking out Valdez- Mother Hen Reyna watch out- Calypso is after your chicks,” Percy snickered making a joke to the fact that Leo was Reyna’s resident- before Piper smacked him on the back of the head indicating a Shut it, hypocrite.

“No I’m not!” Calypso insisted, whipping her head, that only moments ago was glued to Leo’s ass. She ducked her head and sided next to Piper and Will.

“Calypso eyeing Leo is old news, please make sure you keep yourself updated,” Annabeth proclaimed, her head resting against Percy while his arm was snaked around her waist.

“I will tell you what’s new then, Solace watching Nico like he’s fresh meat. That’s my bro that you’re checking out man.”

“I am NOT checking out Di Angelo!”

“Zhang, who are you picking for the procedure?” Annabeth curiously asked and also slightly eager to move away from the current topic. In all honesty, Annabeth expected Frank to choose Di Angelo- He was clearly the most promising and most experienced if one could even call an intern that. Annabeth knew that Percy and Nico had practically grown up together and besides he was a Di Angelo- Surely if his sister could cut, so could he.

“I’m gonna go with Grace.”

“He is not ready for that. Not to be a terrible sibling but he gets flustered a tad easily,” Thalia butted in, trying to protect her brother. She loved him but Jason was a tad sensitive and rustling his feathers was almost too easy.

“Torture one and the rest will fall in line,” Frank admitted half heartedly. He didn’t want to Pick on Jason- he seemed like a great kid, But he also didn’t want to have to have a bunch of misbehaving interns who had egos too big for the hospital because nobody ever put them in line.

“Are you sure about Grace though?” Annabeth pushed, her voice slightly uneasy. Percy, who noticed this, squeezed her waist gently as a gesture of comfort, affection even. Percy was watching Nico’s table. The interns seemed to be having fun, no one was picking on Nico which was the most important thing and he figured soon the interns would realise Nico’s infamy- of being a Di Angelo of course. What he totally didn’t expect however, was Nico to get out of his chair and casually stroll over towards the group of attendings and residents.

Nico honestly did not know what he was thinking. Was he being bold? Absolutely. Was he acting on impulse? Most obviously. Was he regretting every step towards them? Definitely.

He saw Percy’s eyes widen ever so slightly before his face rested into a comforting, genuine smile- something Nico truly appreciated. If Percy was acting nice, the rest of the group were bound to follow his lead, right? Nico shuffled past 2 of the attendings, reaching behind them to gain access to the coffee machine.

Will didn’t know how to react. Did interns normally come and hang out with attendings here? He had no idea. Percy looked as if he knew Nico all his life and he did tell him earlier; That's my bro you’re checking out man. Were they actually related? Or did they just know each other for a long time? By now, all the attendings were settled at their own tables and Piper had unfortunately been rushed off for emergency surgery on one of her patients, leaving Will to sit by himself at a table. That was until Nico was standing by one of the chairs.

Nico took a deep breath and stood by the chair at Will’s almost empty table. It had taken Will a couple of seconds to notice that there was someone even at his table before he almost jolted backwards, alarmed by the shadow that had appeared on his table. Immediately, out of politeness, he gestured towards a seat.

“Do you wanna take a seat?” He offered politely. He watched as the intern hesitated. He could see how nervous he seemed and for a minute he really pitied him- It was no doubt stressful to be the brother of a famous surgeon, especially a Di Angelo.

“Are you sure? I mean, aren't you an attending, ya know, my boss and-”

“-Calm down, it's just a seat,” Will cut off Nico’s rambling and offered the man a seat. Gingerly Nico took it and looked down at his coffee.

Nico did not think making Dr Solace treat him so nicely was going to be so easy. All he had to do was give a shy look away and blabber a bit and the next thing he knew, Dr. Solace had his hand on top of Nico’s and was shuffling his chair closer to his. Nico realised it was now or never- he had to start sending the right message.

“I’ve always found trauma interesting- ya know? Never knowing what's going to come into those doors. Percy used to tell me how much he hated it,” Nico laughed gently, making sure he accidentally brushed his leg against Dr Solace’s.

“Trauma? Really? Lucky for you, I just so happen to be the new attending on that.”

“I think I’m much more lucky than you think I am, if you catch my draft,” Nico mummuered, smirking slightly, his eyes dropping to Will's lips causing Will to finally get what he meant. Will, slightly flustered by Nico’s onset attitude, flushed pink slightly. He was flattered greatly that someone as good looking as Nico found him attractive but he didn’t want to cause commotion or draw so much attention to himself so early either. He wasn’t gonna lie, he totally was into Nico but Will knew that he could be putting Nico’s job at risk, not to mention his own. But it wasn’t as if Nico was using him- Nico seemed too innocent for that and besides- he was a Di Angelo, people respected him and the holy ground he walked on.

“If all goes well in your first surgery, feel free to send that draft out again.” Will winked as he got up and threw away the remains of his terrible lunch before heading to the table with the remaining attendings.

“Impress him with your loving, then impress him with your healing,” Will heard Percy whisper, which earned Percy a punch in the arm from Piper, a dirty look from Annabeth and snort from Frank. Will, slightly sick of Percy’s teasing, stormed off to the department at the entrance of the hospital which all the staff here called ‘The Pit’ for some reason. Percy, as clueless as ever was trying to remain a straight face and Frank was struggling to keep on being the mature one.

Hour 10

Nico was adequately proud of himself- he didn't flirt with people often ( mainly because normally it was people flirting with him) but he couldn’t lie and say he wasn’t slightly nervous when he was walking towards the room of Katie Bryce and saw a man and woman at the desk- Nico presumed they were married due to the wedding rings they wore.

“Katie Bryce, Room 3604?” Nico asked the couple. They nodded eagerly and the 3 adults had a quick conversation where Nico informed them that he wasn’t Katies actual doctor, but still was a doctor, and that he would go and find said doctor. Nico, who didn’t actually know who Katie’s doctor was now, had to verbally tell himself to not panic and he managed to figure out that he should ask Dr. Chase (he prayed she wasn’t sleeping). Luckily, Dr Chase was charting at the nurses station and when she heard his meek footsteps approaching, her head snapped up and she raised an eyebrow.

“Katie Bryce’s parents want to speak with the head on the case. Shall I page Dr. Zhang?”

“Dr Zhang? No, this patient belongs to Neuro now- Dr Jackson, he’s right around the corner.” Annabeth flicked her pen towards her boyfriend who was speaking to two other attendings- who Nico recognised to be Dr Mclean and Dr Ramirez. He waved over to Percy who smiled and dismissed the two doctors before making his way over to Nico and throwing his arm around Nico’s shoulders while ruffling his hair. Nico did not allow the gesture from anyone but felt comforted by it from Percy.

“Percy!” Nico almost squealed as Percy rubbed his knuckles into Nico’s head keeping him in a loose headlock.

“Death! I haven’t seen you in ages! How has it been?” Percy smiled as he began walking them towards the hallway. Nico cringed slightly from the nickname. Death was not something you want to be called at a hospital, especially if you were a doctor.

“Oh you know, Chase is tough but she knows what she’s doing.”

“She better, she learnt from the best,” Percy said proudly, pointing towards himself. Nico took this as an opportunity to lower Percy’s ego and asked

“Chiron?”

“You smug little-” Percy was cut off by Nico’s shrieks and protests to stop as Percy tickled him. Was it evil of Percy to tickle Nico? Perhaps, especially since he knew that Nico was one of the most ticklish people to ever exist.

Hour 15

Interns filtered into the viewing box above the operating room- they were all excited to watch one of them perform the first surgery. Jason, however, was terrified. He was muttering the basics of the procedure again and again as the crowd filtered in above him. If he made one mistake, everyone would see it, everyone would know and he would become the intern who couldn’t cut.

“Open, identify, ligate, remove, irrigate, close. Open, identify, ligate, remove, irrigate, close,” he muttered continuously, his eyes scrunched shut in fear.

Meanwhile, in the overhead viewing box, interns started placing bets. Sure, everyone was excited that an intern was assisting but they were also bitter. It would be a lie to tell you that no one in that room had thought that they should be down there operating room instead of Dr Grace. As Nico came in, he was slightly surprised to hear people making bets- sure, Jason had taken the surgery from them but betting? Was that really necessary? Especially since they were betting on his demise rather than him succeeding.

“30 dollars if he can’t open the peritoneum.”

“35 if he faints, he seems like a fainter.”

“40 says he kills the guy.”

“50 says he pulls off the whole thing,” Nico, who was sick of hearing the interns bet, cut in, “That's one of us in there- where’s your loyalty?” Nico had grown up with a loyal best friend- Percy- so if he valued anything in a person it was loyalty. He watched as poor Jason moved his lips, mumbling the procedure. He really hoped Jason didn’t butcher this- he had kind of put his trust in him over here. Jason turned to the nurses as they performed the time- out- reciting the patient's name, sex and other vital information such as the actual surgery- an appendectomy .

“Scalpel,” Jason ordered his hand reaching towards the nurse. As soon as it made contact with Jason’s hand, the interns went wild. The interns were cheering, clapping and whistling. It was official, Jason was the first intern to pick up a scalpel on a live patient. Even Nico joined in on the cheering, leaning back slightly in his seat and clapping- that was until Dr Zhang turned towards the interns and mimicked silence. The interns understood- Dr Grace does not need distractions.

“That Zhang is trouble,” Hazel muttered, biting her lip gently. Nico, trying to resist a smirk, leaned over and whispered,

“Hazel’s got a crush.”

Hazel, as chill as ever (sarcasm intended), pinched Nico’s arm making him flinch, pout and then rub gently at his slightly reddened flesh. Jason was trying to concentrate- he had never thought that one would have to apply so much pressure to cut into human flesh so of course, he hesitated a bit. However, once he was through, he started to find it a bit easier.

“Pickups…. Clamps,” he ordered.

“Dammit, he got through the peritoneum, I’m out,” the intern who betted on Jason admitted defeat as Jason continued.

“Scalpel….. And Appendix is out!”

Despite Dr Zhang's previous warnings, the interns went wild. Jason did it, he actually did it. Nico could see all the interns freaking out and while he was truly happy for Jason, he knew that he hadn’t finished. He had to close and celebrating too early may jinx him. Dr Zhang, who didn’t mind the interns celebrating, began to instruct Jason on his remaining steps.

“Now all you have to is insert the stump into the cecum and simultaneously pull the up on the purse strings, but be careful not to-” Frank was cut of by the distinct sound of sutures snapping- a sound which caused the silence of everyone and echoed

“- Break them,” Frank finished his sentence, sighing. He wouldn’t lie and say that he didn’t expect this but he hoped that the intern would fix his mistake quickly. He watched as Jason struggled nervously. Jason himself didn’t even know what he had just done- all he could replay in his head was the snapping sound and the feeling of the suture breaking. The loss of tension in his hand as he accidently pulled too hard. Out of all the useful knowledge he had, it was that recent memory that just kept on replaying in Jason’s head.

“You’ve just ripped the cecum, you’ve got yourself a bleeder! What do you do now?” Dr Zhang tried to encourage him but it was no use. Nico watched as Jason froze.

Damn it Jason come on! Alas, Nico couldn’t help but think, Jason was like a deer in headlights- Bambi. Jason didn’t know how to react- what did he do now? He hadn’t considered the possibility if the sutures snapped.

“Think- You stop the suctions and start searching for those purse strings before he bleeds to death,” Dr Zhang instructed, his voice the only clear thing in the room other than the drastic beeping coming from the monitor. Nico could feel everybody in the room holding their breath- this moment was either going to make or break Jason.

“Give him a clamp,” Dr Zhang ordered.

“BP’s dropping,” a nurse warned. The interns watched with anxiety for their fellow intern- Jason was frozen, his hands stuck mid-air.

“BP is getting too low.”

Finally Dr Zhang had to make a decision and he held his hand out to the nurses,

“Move. Suction and Clamps.”

The interns all groaned, throwing their heads back or burying their heads between their hands. Money was passed around and Nico could only feel pity for the blond boy who looked like bambi in the operating room. As interns began to leave, people began to whisper.

“He’s a 007.”

“Yeah! Totally a 007.”

“What’s 007?” Juniper looked around, slightly confused. Nico, morbid as ever, kept his eyes trained on the surgeon operating as he told Juniper.

“License to kill.”

Hour 19

Jason sat in a wheelchair (that he most likely did not want to know where it had been) as he rolled the wheels back and forth complaining. He still couldn’t believe that he had frozen up like that. Not only that but he knew what the consequences of it was now.

“Everyone is calling me 007,” He complained, still embarrassed from his poor performance. Nico and Meg- both of whom were sick of his whining- answered at the same time.

“No one is calling you 007.”

“Really? A dude in the elevator whispered 007 and everyone started laughing!”

“007 is a state of mind,” Hazel called out as she waited by the old vending machine. It waited a bit too long for Hazel’s patience and thus she gave it a light kick to keep it going.

“Says the girl who finished first in her class at Stanford,” Jason retorted, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. Nico was enjoying this mindless banter, it was the first break he had in a while and it was relaxing to be able to not have to think critically for once. Of course, because fate hated Nico in particular, Nico’s pager beeped causing him to groan and accidentally bang his head as he pulled out his pager, causing his eyes to widen.

“Ah, fuck. Someone is paging me 911 on Katie Bryce, gotta go!”

Nico hopped off the spare stretcher he was on and practically ran towards the stairs desperate to get the patient's room. As Nico left, he let out a small snort of laughter for he heard Jason mumble,

“I should have gone into geriatrics- nobody minds when you kill an old person.”

Nico gasped for air as he walked into room 3604 and saw a perfectly healthy and fine Kate Bryce. What the hell? Did she lose the ability to talk? Because that wasn’t a 911, that was a thank the gods. He looked around for any crash cart or indicator that there was actually anything wrong with her.

“There’s nothing wrong with you?” He panted, feeling his anger bubble up. Katie simply shrugged, twirling her platinum blond hair that looked dyed.

“I’m bored.”

Nico gasped and face palmed- he just could not with this girl! Would giving her an early death count as breaking the hippocratic oath? Man, he really wanted to punch Hippocrates- making doctors swear a damn oath on Apollo!

“This is a hospital, people are dying, people who actually require a doctor's help! Go to sleep,” Nico explained, his voice raising slightly due to the interruption of his very calming break- he considered hearing Jason complain better than any sort of time spent with this patient. Katie, however, did not want to comply with what was being asked of her.

“I can’t sleep, my heads all full!” Katie whined slightly, throwing her head back softly against the propped up pillows.

“That's called thinking, go with it, maybe you’ll learn something new.”

Hour 21

Annabeth was happy right now. In this moment as she and Percy lay snuggled up against each other cuddling in the on call rooms, Annabeth was happy. She had to catch up on her sleep and Percy was a neurosurgeon- his surgeries were tiring and required him to be well rested (something that never happened either way) for him to perform at his best ability. She could hear Percy’s heart thumping under her ear as she lay with her head on his chest and one of her legs thrown on top of his. The sound and vibrations were comforting, relaxing, easing her to sleep- she was happy.

Juniper did not feel so happy right now. She was standing at the nurses station staring at the on - call room that she knew Dr Chase to be in. As she stood by the nurses station, a nurse leaning on the desk asked her what she wanted.

“Mr Anderson has chunky veins, he needs antibiotics and I should start a central line,” Juniper admitted, looking away. The nurse, not even glancing up from his chart simply told her,

“Then start one…”

Juniper's silence told him what he needed to know.

“...And you don’t know how to. You know what that means.” The nurse nodded his head towards the on call room where Dr Chase resided. Juniper had to physically restrain herself to stop herself from shivering. She was about to break Rule 3. She peeked her head into the dark on call room where she initially thought she was about to accidentally become scarred for life. However, what she saw surprised her. Dr Chase was soundfully asleep next to Dr Jackson. Their arms were intertwined with each other and Dr Jackson had one arm wrapped around Dr Chase’s waist. They looked so peaceful, Juniper was so tempted to walk out and just let Mr Anderson get a nice trip to the morgue but she didn’t want to end up being called something like 007. She took a deep breath.

“Dr chase, I don’t mean to bother you-”

“-Then don’t,” Annabeth snapped. She did not want to leave Percy, he was so warm and she wanted her damned sleep.

“It’s Mr Anderson,” Juniper started explaining.

“Is he dying?”

“No.”

“Then stop talking to me.” Annabeth rolled over so that her back was towards Juniper. Juniper cleared her throat slightly which caused Percy to jerk his arm. Annabeth huffed, clearly agitated.

“Next time you wake me, he better be so close to dead, there’s a tag on his toe.”

Hour 23

Nico was walking towards Katye Bryce’s room once again to check in on her. Hopefully, she had taken his advice and was soundly asleep by now. Yet, as Nico approached her room, he saw nurses running in and out of it- Nico picked up his pace until it was a run as he got into the room. Immediately, the nurses briefed him on what was going on.

“She’s having multiple Grand Mal seizures, now, how do you want to proceed? Dr Di Angelo, are you listening? We’ve given her diazepam, 2 milligrams of Lorazepam- we just gave a second dose- Dr Di Angelo, you need to tell us what you want us to do!”

Nico was frozen. What in the name of Hades had happened while he was gone? He began to filter his thoughts-find out what's in her system and proceed from there.

“You gave her lorazepam?” he asked.

“Yep, 4 milligrams.”

“You’ve paged Chase and Jackson?” He pushed.

“Lorazepam isn’t working!”

“Phenobarbital, 2 milligrams,” He blurted, remembering the drug from a chemistry quiz he had gotten completely correct due to Bianca’s old notes.

“Heart’s stopped!” a nurse called out. Nico’s brain called out Code Blue, Code Blue! But his mouth could not move. What was he doing? He normally acted on immediately in emergency situations- they were practically his reflexes. He had to focus. He closed his eyes for a second.

Focus Nico, focus- this girl is literally dead.

His eyes snapped open- he was still panicking but now that he had a second to think, he had a vague idea of what to do.

“Okay, start compressions- grab the crash cart. Charge the pads to 200.” Nico turned his head towards the nurse operating the charge value on the defibrillator.

“Clear!”

Katie Bryce’s jolted upwards, but her heart did not return to normal. The nurse opposite to Nico continued compressions on her body while the other nurse held an ambu bag to her face, squeezing it every 5 seconds to provide air for her lungs.

“Still V-Fib, no change,” the nurse commented.

“Charge to 300.”

“27 seconds since the heart stopped,” another Nurse informed.

“Charge to 360, C’mon Katie. Clear!” Nico waited to see if her heart would react.

“ Okay, restarting compressions,” He ordered as he tried to think of the next step in running a code.

“49 seconds since the heart stopped.”

“Charge again, Clear!”

Everyone in the room waited anxiously as the monitor returned to beeping normally.

“Sinus Rhythm.”

A collective sigh of relief was let out as people started filtering out.

at the hell happened?” Percy asked as he speed walked into the room. He couldn’t help feeling a bit useless as he found his patient that was dying only seconds ago, alive and well- only it wasn’t him who had saved her, it was Dr Di Angelo.

“She had a seizure and her heart stopped,” Nico explained, sighing gently now that Percy was here.

“You were supposed to be monitoring her.” Percy turned around to face Nico. Nico was not expecting the accusatory tone- sure he wasn’t expecting clap on the back either but a Oh hey for keeping her alive while I took ages to show up would have been nice. Nico had known Percy all his life but despite that, he had never seen such a cold, turned off side of him. Was this how doctors or surgeons did their jobs? Become cold to everyone around them? Nico tried to explain himself- the key word there being tried.

“I-”

“-Just go, I’ve got her now.” Dr Jackson batted his hand and Nico was dismissed. Nico felt dismissed. Was this the life of an intern? Being blamed for every small inconvenience so the attendings can feel less guilt on their backs? Nico didn’t do anything wrong- he followed protocol, just as he had been told. He ran the code and continually paged Dr Chase and Dr Jackson. Them not showing up was the issue here, not him. He had saved her life. Not them.

Nico’s mind felt dead. He was 23 hours into a 48 hour shift and already, he was feeling the pressure. Too much pressure- was there a point to this? Was there a point to any of this? Nico dragged his feet across the floor, trying to find the exit.

“When you get a 911, you page me immediately. If someone dies, it’s on my ass. You hear me? Di Angelo?” Dr Chase raised an eyebrow at the intern who practically ignored them as they walked to the exit door, ignoring everything around them. The interns, Jason and Hazel both noticed his abnormally pale face and dazed expression. Hazel, being the concerned sister she was, followed Nico as he started to gain speed towards the exit.

“Nico, are you okay?”She reached her arm out but Nico made no notice of her. He could feel his stomach become more and more uneasy. He leant against a pole with one hand and quickly threw up his lunch. He placed both of his hands on his thighs, remaining hunched over and trying to catch his breath. As he walked back towards the hospital, intending to go and wash his mouth out, he caught Hazel walking towards him with concern drawn all over her face.

“If you ever tell anyone…” Nico trailed off as he walked past her, entering the hospital again.

Hour 26

“You said it was a seizure disorder, now you’re saying it isn’t?” Mr Bryce, Katie’s father, asked with slight confusion. He stood by his wife's side, both his hands on his hips in a confrontive manner.

“I’m saying that I don’t know. For now, I don’t have an answer for you. Now that Katie is stable-” Dr Jackson started explaining only to be cut off by the father.

“-We came here because this hospital is supposed to be the best in New York. That's my kid in there and you have the audacity to stand here and say I don’t know. I want someone else , a doctor that knows what they’re doing. A doctor better than you!”

“Mr Bryce, I can assure you that I’m working hard on Katie’s case-” Dr Jackson tried to keep himself calm. He was working hard but sometimes the body did things that science couldn’t explain. He was a doctor, a surgeon, not god.

“- No, you’re not. If you were, you’d be able to give me some answers.”

Percy decided to leave the couple before he said something to them that he’d regret.

Dr Zhang was a calm, collected and highly skillful surgeon. He knew what he was doing as he explained the surgery to Mr Savitch.

“I put you on the bypass machine, which pumps blood for your heart, fix your ticker, take you off the machine- I’m done. Simple procedure.”

His wife -who was clutching her husband's hand so tightly her knuckles were turning white- asked Dr Zhang with a slightly relieved voice,

“So I have no reason to worry?”

“I’m very good at what I do but it’s still surgery- there are still some risks. I’ll see you in the Operating Room this afternoon Mr Savitch.” Frank waved his hand goodbye to the couple and left while Dr Grace stayed behind to reassure the patient.

“Dr Zhang is very good, you’ll be fine,” Jason confirmed.

“He’ll be fine right?” Mrs Savitch urged again, wanting a guarantee. Her eyes screamed Tell me my husband will live. Jason could not understand how she was feeling but he sympathised for her. He wanted to help her, he reminded him of his mother, a woman who worried often.

“Tony’s gonna sail through it- You have nothing to worry about Gloria - I promise.”

Hour 30

Nico had no idea why he was here- in fact, he had no idea why any of the interns were here. They had all been called to the briefing room for a conference yet at no point had he been informed what exactly it was about. He glanced to his right to see Hazel holding sutures with a banana laying on her lap.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m suturing a banana with the vain hope that it wakes up my brain,” Hazel drawled her hand raising up to tighten the perfectly spaced sutures together- something Nico too had the talent for. Their heads both shot up as Dr Jackson, with Dr Chase beside him, walked in. Dr Solace also walked in, catching Nico’s eye as he leaned with his back on the door frame.

“I’m gonna do something pretty rare for a surgeon. I’m gonna ask interns for help. Katie Bryce right now is a mystery- she isn't responding to medication. All the tests are clean but she’s having seizures, Grand mal seizures and we don’t know why. I need you to help me out,” all the interns sighed as Percy explained this.

“I know you’re tired, I know you’re busy which is why I’m gonna give you an incentive. Whoever finds the answer rides with me. Katie needs surgery- you get to do what no intern does. You get to scrub in to assist on an advanced procedure. Annabeth- I mean- Dr Chase will hand out the chart- The clock is ticking people. Let’s save a life,” Percy weakly smiled as he saw the eager interns scrambling for the files and gave Nico a wink as he left the room. Nico had to look down at his shoes to not blush- his crush on Percy had subsided years ago but what are you meant to do when people wink at you?

Will decided to tag along to the intern conference being held by Dr Jackson- he’d get a chance to see the interns working under incredible amounts of pressure and have a look at potential residents to take under his wing as trauma residents. At least, that's what he told himself. In reality, he had wanted to see the Italian doctor who had the guts to flirt with him and then invite him to bed. Was Will offended? Of course! Did this intern think he was that easy? While Will told himself that wasn’t easy, a small part of his subconscious told him that him showing up to the intern conference for one gorgeous man proved otherwise.

As Nico left the conference room, Hazel jogged to catch up with him- though Nico didn’t know why she was jogging, she had much longer legs than him.

“Hey, I want in on Jackson’s surgery- you've been the intern on her case since the start- you want to work together? If we find the answer, we have a 50/50 chance of scrubbing in ,” She offered.

“Sure, but I want in on the surgery.” Nico shrugged.

“So do I.”

“May the best surgeon scrub in,” Nico held out his hand for Hazel to shake. The game was on.

The locker room was full of several other interns- all of whom were re-reading Katie’s chart as if their lives depended on it. Hazel and Nico were hunched together by their lockers- which were co-incidentally placed next to each other. There were 6 empty cups of coffee- 4 were Hazels and 2 were Nico’s. Rainbow sweet strips, Nico’s pick of course, were also present- Hazel had to beg Nico for a pack as he had 3 to himself. Nico was so used to staying up for unnecessarily long hours that he didn’t need as much caffeine to keep himself acting like a live human being, unlike his sister.

“So she doesn't have anoxia, chronic renal failure or acidosis. It’s not a tumor because the CT was clean,” Hazel confirmed.

“What about infection?” Nico suggested as he savagely bit into a rainbow gummy strip, ripping it away from his face causing sugar sprinkles to fly everywhere. Hazel shot him a look as she brushed them off her scrubs.

“No , there’s no white count, she has no C.T lesions, no fevers, nothing in her spinal tap.”

“What about an aneurysm?”

“No blood on the C.T, no headaches, no drug use, no pregnancy, no trauma. Nico, what if this girl dies?”

“This is gonna sound really bad but I really wanted that surgery,” Nico confessed before continuing, “Her pageant talent is rhythmic gymnastics. What even is rhythmic gymnastics? I can’t even say it properly, I don’t know what it is!”

“Oh come on, they have pageant talents?” Hazel started snorting with laughter with Nico joining only a mere matter of seconds later. Rhythmic gymnastics- a totally odd and dangerous pageant talent. Why not go with knitting, there’s a less chance of falling.

A less chance of falling.

Nico’s brain raced- something about that was relevant- vital even. Why did that sound so important?

Nico shot up, grabbing his sister by the arm. He thought he knew what was wrong with Katie.

“Get up, come on. Come on!” Nico whisper- shouted as he grabbed Hazel who asked him what the hell he was on about. He told her about Katie’s fall during practise for rhythmic gymnastics when she had sprained her ankle- the chance of a small aneurysm to form.

“The only thing that she would possibly need is an angiogram,” Hazel realised as they both rushed out to find Dr Jackson. They found him in the elevator ,alone, and just as the door started closing, Hazel stuck her hand in the way of the door. Immediately she started talking.

“She has no headaches, no neck pain, her C.T is clean- there’s no medical proof of an aneurysm but what if she has one anyway?”

“How?” Percy questioned, slightly confused.

“You see she twisted her ankle and fell. Just a bump on her head. It was so minor that her primary care doctor didn’t think to mention it in her history but there's a chance, right, Perce?” Nico almost begged, using the childhood nickname he used to call Percy, that he used to call his best friend. That is what he was doing at that moment- asking for his best friend to listen, not Dr Jackson.

“You know there’s a one in a million chance of that, literally,” Percy sighed, shaking his head. The siblings hung their heads as the situations settled- their diagnosis was getting shut down or so they thought it was. The lift opened and there stood Percy smiling. He waved his hands, signalling them to follow him.

“Let's go find out if Katie is one in a million.”

Hazel and Nico were both silent as they waited in the cath lab- this was it for them. Either they become a pair of fools and Nico would tarnish the Di Angelo name or they get to be the first interns out of their year to assist on an advanced procedure. Percy stood with his arms folded, his black hair tousled and his jaw muscle ticking like crazy- Nico could also see that he was stressed although who for, Nico could not tell.

“I’ll be damned. It's minor but it’s there- a subarachnoid hemorrhage. She’s bleeding into her brain,” Percy gasped slightly as he pointed his pen to the small black blobs on the screen. As they left the Cath Lab, Hazel and Nico were ready. They wanted to know who was getting the surgery- sure, they had agreed that the best surgeon would win but secretly, they had both hoped that they’d both be able to scrub it.

“Uh, Dr Jackson, you said that the intern who brought the diagnosis would be able to scrub in,” Hazel gently reminded, her eyes hopeful and full of yearning.

“Unfortunately, I can’t have you both so Nico, you’re scrubbing in.”

Nico was over the moon- His first surgery was going to be with Percy and he was going to assist! However Hazel both looked and felt distraught. She knew she should feel more happy for her brother but she couldn’t help but feel a slight sliver of jealousy that he had only been chosen because Nico and Percy were childhood friends. As Nico turned around to apologise for her, he saw that she had already left without him.

Hour 34

Jason was in the scrub room waiting for Dr Zhang to finish up the surgery on Mr Savitch. Was he nervous? Of course, but he was also confident in Dr Zhang's skills as a surgeon. He was sipping a soda while charting, leaning with his back to the operating room- he didn’t want to get distracted by the surgery happening behind him. The door swung open with a Whack and Dr Zhang walked in, looking dejected.

“That was quick, wow!” Jason said admirably- he knew Dr Zhang was good, but he didn’t think he could complete a surgery like that so fast!

“He didn’t make it. His heart had too much damage to get him off bypass- I had to let him go. It’s rare but it happens. It’s the worst part of the game,” Frank confessed as he washed his hands and splashed water onto his face, making him feel slightly more alive. Unlike Jason who swore his extremities went numb.

This couldn’t be, right? Surely this was a prank- everyone would play a prank on him, he was the 007! He would walk into the operating room and see the nurses preparing to move him back to the ICU for post surgery care. Yes, yes that’s what this was- a whole prank. Dr Zhang was probably punishing him for almost killing a person in surgery and this was his equivalent of karma. Despite the idea, when Jason turned around, he regretted everything he saw. There was blood on the floor,the patient was still wide open, the heart monitor which was still attached to the patient showed no sign of cardiac activity. Jason could feel a lump in his throat, a lump that he just couldn’t swallow. Hos throat was dry and there were tears pricking at the corner of his eyes as he attempted to speak.

“B..but I told his wife Gloria that he would be fine- I promised her tha-”

“You what? The only person who can give a promise like that is God and I haven’t seen him holding a scalpel lately. You never promise a patient's family a good outcome!”Frank, in a rare moment of no self control, lashed out. Jason, who realised his mistake, decided to leave Dr Zhang to mourn what he considered his failure and inform the family of their greatest loss.

Frank slumped over the sink in the scrub room, rubbing at his head. He had never failed something so simple, how did he not foresee this? His fists clenched and relaxed as his mind went over the events of the surgery- he had never felt so much like a failure in his life as he did in this moment right now.

As Jason approached the family, he could see their cheerful, happy faces, completely unaware of the soul- crashing news that he was about to bring them. Gloria ,who noticed him on instinct, immediately smiled wider- she thought she was going to go see her husband now. His kids had no idea what was about to happen to their lives. Jason still had the lump in his throat that was only getting bigger. He had to swallow several times which was a struggle because of his dry throat.

“How is he?” Gloria rushed her words out and it seemed she seemed more excited than nervous. Jason swallowed heavily before starting.

“Gloria, there were complications regarding your husband's surgery. Tony’s heart had a lot of damage. We tried to take him off bypass but- there wasn’t anything we could have done.”

Jason’s hands wrung back and forth as he struggled to keep his eyes from watering. He could feel them stinging as he fought back the tears of his betrayal

Gloria’s face scrunched up before slowly falling. Jason could see how her face slowly morphed from one of pure happiness to one of panic and distraught but Jason could also see the hope in her eyes.

“What are you talking about?” Gloria’s voice broke slightly, her lip curling.

“Tony died. He’s dead… Gloria, I am so sorry.” Jason reached out to comfort her, his hand reaching to stroke her back only for Gloria to completely flinch away from his touch. Betrayal illustrated her face and Jason couldn’t bear to continue looking her in the eye.

“Please, go away.”

Jason had undergone a lot of tough, painful situations to become a doctor and yet, this is what broke him.

Hour 40

Percy was shaving Katie’s head, watching the blond tufts of hair fall off her face. Nico walked in, smirking as he leant against the door. On noticing Nico’s presence, he began to whisper,

“I promised to give her a cool haircut. Apparently it’s a scandal to be a bald beauty queen.”

“Ah, well, I would totally pull it off..” Nico reached towards his hair and pushed it back slightly. Percy laughed slightly and nodded in agreement before they fell into a comfortable silence- the only sound being the buzzing from the electric razor. Nico watched Percy with admiration in eyes and Percy would look up at him every once in a while with a genuine smile that made his eyes crease.

Will was watching Percy and Nico hanging out in room 3604, an odd feeling of spite towards Percy starting to form. He didn’t know why- Percy had always been a good friend to him, helping him earn the respect of his peers. He watched as Nico watched Percy and suddenly felt the urge to accept Nico’s offer.

“I do hope that you aren’t staring at Di Angelo,” Leo walking up behind him commented dryly.

“Lover boy, you can’t really talk. Last time I checked, you seemed to be physically unable to keep your eyes off Calypso,” Will muttered in response. Leo gasped in mock offense before laughing.

“Awww, are you two sharing ‘we are going to single forever’ moment?” Piper cooed. Will grunted slightly - while Piper defended Will in public she totally teased him when there weren’t as many people and as for her and Leo- well they had known each other since they were teenagers.

“I’d like to escape the single lot, thank you for the offer though, pipes,” Frank sighed as he joined the group of them. His mood was still down due to losing his patient- he couldn’t help feel overwhelming guilt for not saving a patient with such an easy procedure.

Percy came out of the room, chatting away with Nico before he spotted the group of attendings who were all staring at them. He raised an eyebrow at all of them, especially since they weren’t trying to be subtle in any way.

“Yall, get back to work.”

The operating room was a tad warm. Or maybe that was Nico sweating due to his nervous nature. He couldn’t afford to screw up here, he had made it so far in only a few hours and had worked hard. Dr Jackson walked in with his trident and sea print scrub cap on his head before he looked around the room.

“All right everybody. Are we ready? Okay, Scalpel,” He held his hand out as he ordered a scalpel into his hand. Nico who was on his tip- toes to see what was going on for he was not sure if he could come any closer- neurosurgeons were scary people sometimes. Percy, who was ecstatic and in a great mood, gestured for Nico to come closer.

“Nico, come take a look. Your sister would absolutely love this,” Percy gushed and for once, Nico completely agreed as he looked at a live human brain.

Hour 48

It was finally time to head out. Nico was relieved- his eyeliner ,which was perfectly done the morning he came in, needed re-applying and he wanted to put his heeled boots back on. He was sick of everyone being taller than him. He was in the locker room after finishing the surgery and quickly he changed. He felt much better once he was back in his own clothes. Black ripped jeans, fingerless gloves, Ramone t-shirt and his beloved heeled boots. He stood in the mirror finishing off his eyeliner as Hazel walked in.

“We don’t have to do the thing where I say something and then you do and then somebody cries and then there’s a moment-” she started

“Yuck,” Nico cut in. Hazel smiled ever so slightly but Nico noticed it, causing him to attempt to repress a smile. The key word there being attempt.

“Good.”

Nico was looking for Percy- he wanted to thank him for the amazing surgery and for picking him to scrub in. He was about to enter the on call room that he assumed Percy to be in when he accidentally walked into someone. That someone just so happened to be Dr Solace. Except he was shirtless.

Why the fuck was he shirtless? Is there someone in there with him? Oh my god, was I hitting on a straight dude?

“Ah, sorry about that. I was changing when I realised my clean clothes were in my locker,” Will confessed sheepishly as he rubbed the back of his head. But Nico wasn’t really paying attention to anything that came out his mouth but rather his lips. Wait, why was he shirtless again? Nico had an internal panic for about 2 seconds before he pulled himself together and remembered his objective around Dr Solace.

“If I’m correct Solace, that surgery went very well,” Nico smirked.

If your first surgery goes well, then feel free to send that draft out again.

Nice one Nico, you got this.

Will opened his mouth, slightly in shock that Nico had still remembered that by now- sure it was 41 hours ago but most interns just wanted to sleep by now. But This was a Di Angelo he was talking about- surgery ran in their blood.

“Well congratulations. I caught the draft. What are you going to do about it, Di Aneglo?” Will challenged quite confidently, Nico’s surname rolling off his tongue. Nico started walking towards him, backing him into the oncall room. The second they were both in there, Nico’s hand reached behind him and locked the door with a flick of his wrist.

“Copy me,” Nico told Will. He raised one of his arms and then the other, watching as Will copied, slightly confused by the random motion. He then put both his hands together above his head and the second Will copied, Nico pinned Will’s hands above his head with a single hand and smiled wickedly. Will, adequately impressed, leaned his head forward to kiss Nico who obliged.

Explosions.

That's what Nico felt. He wasn’t expecting Will to be such a good kisser. The kiss was soft at first, their breath dancing across each other's lips but became more heated as Will tried to shift his hands out of Nico’s reach. Nico, being stubborn as he was, refused. Will bit Nico’s lip gingerly, teasing him as he pulled his lip back slightly between his teeth- the second Nico groaned gently, Will used all the momentum he had to flip them and press Nico against the door, holding one of his wrists in his hand. He reached to grab the other and hold it above Nico’s head as their lips smashed. When Will finally pulled back for air, he started making light butterfly kisses onto Nico’s jawline, making his way down to Nico’s neck. He gently sank his teeth and lightly sucked on the flesh there, making Nico throw his head back and let out a light moan.

Nico decided that he could thank Percy for the surgery later.

Hazel was waiting for Nico. She was outside the hospital and was watching as all the other interns were leaving and finally he arrived. His clothes were a mess- crumpled, his t- shirt was completely inside out and there was a bruise on his neck. Hazel had no idea what had happened and honestly, she didn’t want to. Nico waved to her, pulling out a cigarette from his pocket and lighting it.

“Finally! Gosh, we need to go if you want to get there on time!” Hazel fussed.

Annabeth and Percy were holding hands as they chatted away with Piper and Reyna- their faces all in an animated conversation despite being awake for 48 hours.

“And then I totally clipped that aneurysm,” Percy boasted, swinging Annabeth's hand up in the air with his.

Frank was meant to be paying attention to the conversation he was supposed to be having with Leo- who was excitedly talking about the life saving surgery that he did with Calypso as the Peds and OB department had to team up for that case. However, Frank was actually looking at Hazel as he started telling off Nico for the smoking near a hospital.

“It was a really cool case- the mother was teen in the third trimester which meant Peds had to work with OB. The baby had a tight nuchal cord so the delivery had to be performed by C- section so we could safely clamp and cut off the umbilical cord,” Leo ranted.

Thalia was rustling the blond hair of her younger brother as they got into a car, talking about their days.

“Who cares, 007 was totally badass!” Thalia told her brother as she started the car. Piper waved goodbye to Percy, Annabeth and Reyna, and leaned against one of stumps while she waited for Will. When Will finally arrived, his hair was an absolute mess and he had a few buttons of his shirt undone which gave view for a bruise blooming on his collarbone. Piper decided not to make much comment of it as they both started walking away. Will turned his head to see Nico one more time, only to see him laughing and kissing the head of a girl with dark skin and beautiful curly hair. Terror and unease immediately set within him.

Did I just help him cheat on his girlfriend?

Will decided to push the thought to the back of his mind as he left the hospital.

Nico was stalling. He knew it and so did Hazel. She had pulled up at the nursing home but he was still drumming his fingers on his lap as he sat in the car. After 10 minutes of pure silence, Nico got out of the car, the only sound made being the soft closing of the car door. He walked up the steps before entering the home. It was well lit, elegant and classy- he knew if Bianca was lucid that she’d love it here. He walked towards the window seat, knowing that she always loved to sit there. He took a gentle seat next to her, waiting for her to notice him nearby. When she finally acknowledged him, she looked at him and up and down, slightly confused.

“Are you the doctor?”Bianca asked, her eyes wide.

“No, I’m not your doctor but I am a doctor,” Nico attempted a smile but it failed with corners of his lips falling slightly. Biance wrung her hands back and forth, fidgeting with them subconsciously. The nails that used to be flawless were now chipped and bitten at.

“What's your name?”she turned her head towards him, tilting it slightly as she looked her brother in the eye.

“It’s me, sis. It’s Nico,” He said half heartedly, his voice cracking as his eyes followed hers, trying to somehow get to her lucid mind. He saw her eyes. He saw her how they looked at him, how she didn’t recognise him. Her eyes, they weren’t the same golden brown that gleamed, they were glossy- as if there were clouds covering the clear sky.

“I think I used to be a doctor,” Bianca mused as she continued to rub her hands aggressively. Nico reached out to stop her, hoping she wouldn't flinch or become aggressive. He held her hand in his, enveloping his hand over hers and she accepted the gesture. Just for a second, Nico could see his sister again.

“You were a doctor. You were a surgeon.”

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stonertransdad · 3 years

Text

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

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nad-zeta · 4 years

Note

Hii! How would Nobunaga, Masumi, Sasuke, and Kenshin react to an Mc or s/o who lost her right eye in a fight??

Hi, there love! Hope you are doing well <3. Here is ya HC love hope you enjoy it dear ^o^❤🔥

Content warning: Violence 🐇😱

Headcanon: MC losing an eye in fight feat; Nobunaga, Masamune, Sasuke, and Kesnsin

Nobunaga

You and Nobunaga had been working so hard lately and needed to take a bit of a break and get away from all the busy castle

One night as the two of you were drinking sake and snuggling on the balcony of your shared room, Haguro came swooping down and landed gracefully on the ground next to the two of you ∩(·ω·)∩

“Seems he too needs a break, perhaps we should go on a falconing trip tomorrow, just the three of us.”

You smile an excited smile up at Nobunaga, even Haguro screeched in agreement and excitement (/◕ヮ◕)/

The two of you were off on your adventure to your favourite falconing spot

The two of you were having the best time hunting little mice in the field with Haguro

When all of a sudden a bunch of bandits appeared from the tree line (・.・;)

Nobunaga fought to protect both of you, he tied up the bandits and just as the two of you just started celebrating your victory over them

（ ^_^）o自自o（^_^ ）

One of the bandits shone a light in your eye, attracting his own falcon to attack you. (l'o'l)

Nobunaga killed the bird but not soon enough, as you had lost your eye in the attack.

Nobu just saw red, he swiftly killed the bandit’s friends, and sent the man who called upon the bird to injure his beloved, to be locked up and tortured by Mitsuhide. (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

Nobunaga pulled out his clean hand towel and held it over your eye, he then picked you up and placed you on the horse racing the two of you back to Azuchi

He took you straight to Ieyasu to evaluate the damage

He paced outside Ieyasus room, Hideyoshi was there trying to calm him down. (-"-)

Even Mitsuhide came to see how you were doing informing his lord that he will torture the man so badly that he would pray for death for harming their beloved princess

Ieyasu signalled Nobu inside and left the room to give the two of you a moment

He had sewn up the hole where your eye had been, Nobunaga sat beside you and gently caressed your face ༼☯﹏☯༽

You had never seen the man cry until today, “hey hey hey what’s with the tears, I’m the one with one less eye, you don’t see me crying, do you.”

(`･ω･´)

“But fireball it’s my fault…”, you gave him a passionate kiss to shut him up ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Nothing changed for Nobunaga, he still saw you as the most beautiful woman in the world, and boy did he remind you of that every day of your life

You moved on with your life as if nothing had ever happened at all

Nobunaga would buy you the best eye patches for you and outfits to match

Nobunaga would always drop sweet little kisses on both your eyes whenever he saw you.

He would cradle your head in his hand and then gently kiss both eyelids, he would then whisper words of love in your ear, before leaving to his next meeting

Masamune

There was trouble in paradise as the Date clan was not happy about Masamune taking a foreigners hand in marriage

The two of you were appealing to the clan in Azuchi audience hall.

During one of the meetings a fight broke out

They had their heart set on Masamune marrying a princess of their choosing ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ

In the middle of the argument one of the men stood up, dagger in hand intending to kill you Σ(゜д゜;)

The man aimed for you neck but luckily for Masamune’s quick reflexes he missed your neck, although what Masa didn’t see was that the dagger had been lodged into your eye socket

Everyone held their breath, you honestly sat there paralyzed, the shock was too much for you and you passed out

Masamune was furious ヽ(ｏ`皿′ｏ)ﾉ

He picked you up and held you close to his chest

He didn’t want to lose you, this boi though you were dead TBH (ಥ﹏ಥ)

He nestled his face into your neck, his eyes went wide when he heard your heartbeat (°-°)

He ran out of the council room and took you straight back to his manor

He called for his most trusted vassal who was responsible for cutting out his own eye, he also called for Ieyasu to assist

He sat by your side holding your hand tightly, his eye stung with unshed tears of fear, anger and frustration （>﹏<）

Nobunaga had heard what had happened and there was definitely hell to pay for whoever dare try and kill their precious princess (╬ ಠ益ಠ)

You woke up, Masamune looked at you with fear and worry.

Ieyasu had told you what had happened and handed you a mirror

You looked at yourself in the mirror through your one remaining eye, you then looked over at Masa’s miserable expression “Well, I guess there is just one thing I can do in a situation like this” (ΘεΘ;)

Masamune chocked out a reply “And what would that be kitten.”

“If eye’m being honest, this eye patch makes me look soooooo Eyeconic” (◕‿◕✿)

Masamune cracked a small smile “Lass are you trying to tell eye puns.”

( ͡ಥ ͜ʖ ͡ಥ)

“Eye, Captain took you long enough” ༼ つ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ༽つ

Masamune blinks at you and you blinked back at him, all of a sudden both of you break out into a fit of laughter (ﾉ･_-)☆

Ieyasu just rolls his eyes “Did I miss something.” ◔_◔

“Eye’ll be damned, you truly are the best kitten in the world.”

The two of you are legit pirate couple goals ٩(•̮̮̃-̃)۶

Eye puns have now been added to the list of thing the two of you goofballs joke about >^_^<

Sasuke

You and Sasuke was goofing around playing ninja ninja ( ๑╹o╹)✬

A new ninja had approach Sasuke in the middle of your game and asked if Sasuke could show him some moves

You looked at Sasuke and gave him a nod of approval (▀̿Ĺ̯▀̿ ̿)

As Sasuke showed the ninja trainee some moves, you went to sit on a nearby bench to watch the two of them

As the trainee ninja went to throw one of the throwing knives, it slipped from his fingers and shot back

Your eyes widened as you saw the throwing knife heading straight for you

It hit you in straight in the eye (ʘ‿ʘ)

Sasuke was shook, he was in a state of shock he honestly didn’t know what to do ◉_◉

Kenshin had seen the whole thing unfold and rushed to your side

He looked at his paralyzed ninja and then started barking out orders

Everything happened so fast and Sasuke had been in a daze the entire time ◉_◉

The little ninja in training was now profusely apologizing to you (⋟﹏⋞)

After you took the pain meds that Kenshin had gotten for you, you felt pretty chilled. Kenshin ordered the best doctor to help you out

Sasuke finally came out his daze to see you with an eye patch on ಠ‿↼

He started crying, he didn’t know what to do (つд⊂)

“Hey, Sasuke who am I… Whooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea.”

( ͡ᵔ ͜ʖ ͡ᵔ )

Sasuke laughed cried “Only you would imitate patchy the pirate during a time like this.” (☭ ͜ʖ ☭)

“I’ve always wanted to rock the sexy pirate look, now finally my dream has come true” (｡◕‿◕｡)

The two of you spend the rest of the day making personalized eyepatches with your favourite memes painted on them (✿◠‿◠) (✿◠‿◠)

Kenshin

The two of you were out together playing with the bunnies in your favourite flower field (✿◠‿◠)

You and Kenshin were sitting together snuggling and cuddling while he made you a beautiful flower crown from the flowers that surrounded you

❀ ✿ (✿◠‿◠) ❀ ✿

The bunnies hopped onto your laps and nuzzled the two of you love birds

( ・×・) ❀ ✿ ( ・×・) ❀ ✿

All of a sudden, the bunnies seemed on edge and startled

They stomped their feet on the ground to signal danger (⁎˃ᆺ˂)

Kenshin quickly stood up and drew his sword '̿'\̵͇̿̿\з=( ͠° ͟ʖ ͡°)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿̿ ̿ ̿ ̿ ̿ ̿

The two of you were being attacked by assassins from one of Kenshin’s enemies

Word had got around that Kenshin had taken a lover, this particular enemy of Kenshin legit hated him and wanted to make him suffer

The assassins task was to kill you right before his eyes

Kenshin managed to fight off the skilled assassin failing to see a second one hiding in the tree lines

He shot you in the face with an arrow (°o°)

When he saw you topple to the ground lifeless, he left to report your death

Kenshin’s blood froze, and his heart stopped ((+_+))

He gently cradled you in his arms, tears slipping from his eyes. ༼ಢ_ಢ༽

The bunnies surrounded the two of you nuzzling you as If to say wake up

Suddenly you started to move, Kenshin quickly picked you up, holding you tight to your chest and sprinted back to the castle (つ﹏<)･ﾟ｡

He called for all the best doctor and physician to come to your aid

He was pacing up and down, he wanted nothing more than to destroy anyone who dares lay a finger on you デ╦-( ͡ಥʖ̯ಥ;)╯╲___XXXX

Sasuke managed to calm him down, writing to your Oda friends about what had happened

Once Kenshin was allowed back into the room, he was at your side, head resting on your chest ๐·°(৹˃̵﹏˂̵৹)°·๐

You gently pulled your fingers through his platinum hair and teary eyes looked up into yours (^_^;)

Thankfully the arrow didn’t move further than your eye

Kenshin couldn’t help but cry as he gently traced the fresh scar in the place of where your eye was. つ ಥ_ಥ ༽つ

You simply smiled at him and said it was alright ｡◕‿◕｡

Kenshin forgot how strong and brave you were, that you were a true goddess of war (つ﹏<)･ﾟ｡

It took some time to calm Kenshin down and adjust to your new one-eyed life, it definitely made things easier when your Oda friends basically wiped out the enemies that did this to you ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\з= ( ▀ ͜͞ʖ▀) =ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿

Kenshin spends every day reminding you of just how beautiful you are

In his eyes nothing changed

He took the liberty of painting little bunnies on your eye patches

(ㅇㅅㅇ❀)

He would literally cut down anyone who dare say one bad thing about you or make a comment about your missing eye ｡◕‿◕｡(◕‿◕✿)

Hope you enjoyed it love ^_^ ❤❤