#masculine girl | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

god-must-be-doing-cocaine · 9 months

Text

So I’ve been looking up media analysis of “pick me” girls and what they are and how they operate because I know I used to be one and I’m not a pick me anymore but I need to get these thoughts out somewhere and I need somebody to see what I’m thinking and just help me out a little bit

Fair warning: this post is gonna be all over the place, so I apologize if anything feels out of order

Recently I was talking to a coworker of mine. Now I don’t have any close friends mainly because I don’t know how to make friends. For most of my life I was (unwillingly) isolated from people my own age. My parents were very conservative and republican (but not religious) and my mother homeschooled me and my siblings for most of our childhoods and that has caused a lot of my mental health issues and self esteem issues especially when it comes to making friends and grappling with hanging out or working with people my own age. And I made a comment to him (because I mainly laugh and joke with him and another boy at work) “you and so and so make me look like a pick me girl because you’re the only people I laugh with” and he said “you are”. I disagreed but it didn’t sit right with me.

I have 5 older siblings. My 2 oldest are my two older sisters who moved out when I was around ten and because of the age gap we were never really close. So in my earlier years I grew up with three older brothers, a stepfather and a mother who was not at all a good example of femininity because she was a “pick me” herself. It was a conservative and misogynistic household (we also moved around the country a lot, hence another reason I was so isolated). I also have two younger siblings both of which are around a decade younger than me, so there’s an age gap there as well.

The thing is, I’m used to boys. Specifically immature boys with a gross sense of humor because they remind me of my brothers (but without the childhood trauma and pain my brothers inflicted on me with their ignorance and misogyny). I never knew how to truly be close to girls. I have had girl friends and I have been able to have close female friendships for a time. But I haven’t had an actual female friendship in years because I was homeschooled in my last years in high school and I suck at keeping in touch with people, so I don’t talk to anyone from high school except for one girl who was my best friend at the time, however we are not as close as we used to be. I’ve never felt feminine enough for girls because I didn’t get my nails done, I wasn’t that good with makeup (my face doesn’t allow it but I still love makeup), I’m not conventionally attractive and I wasn’t into anything overly girly (all of which definitely contributed to my years of being an actual pick me). But I wasn’t masculine enough for the typical archetype and for boys either. I’ve always thought sports were boring as fuck, I didn’t care for most action movies, although I’ve always loved marvel and dc and anything “nerdy”. I didn’t care for video games other than Minecraft. I also didn’t realize I was bisexual until I was 15 years old. Growing up in a conservative household where gay people were seen as “less than”, It wasn’t at all an option- especially to little emotionally neglected me who just wanted to feel included in her own family.

These are the issues I’ve felt with in regards to my gender. Not feminine (or masculine) enough for girls, and not masculine (or feminine) enough for boys. It doesn’t help that being raised to think of girls as competition and then knowing that you’re ugly so it’s a losing competition anyway, doesn’t help. Funny thing is I never wanted all boys attention. At the time I had only wanted one boys attention. But that doesn’t matter now.

So at my current job (unlike my last job), I actually get to work with more women and girls closer to my age because there’s more girls than boys that work there.

My problem is that I have no idea how to be friends with anyone. I don’t hang out with anyone outside of work (I have no idea how to initiate hanging out or to even hang out without a purpose anymore) and no one has invited me to hang out with them. There are probably several reasons as to why that is regarding other people’s personal lives and it’s hard to remember that it’s not always about me. I’ve been alone so long and I live in my own little world so I try my best not to take things personally, but my desperation for friendship still likes to show itself and I don’t notice it until I embarrass myself in some way shape or form. Like the other day, when I heard people laughing at work and when I tried to involve myself this girl practically yelled at me and said something along the lines of “girl this doesn’t involve you go away”. Which, fair enough. I wasn’t invited. But it was still humiliating when I laughed it off with the two boys (the same ones I joke with a lot). But what really hurt was when two seconds later she looked at everyone around her and said “what? She ALWAYS butts in!”

When she said that I was embarrassed, but mostly I felt guilty. I already knew this girl doesn’t really like me and she thinks I’m annoying but sometimes she is nice to me. Sometimes her and I do have fun and I can forget how mean she can be. And I can’t help but want to be her friend too most of the time. I was silent the rest of my shift. Thinking about it, I realized that I’m slowly becoming my mother. So desperate for connection I forget about social codes and try to include myself, forcing myself in by way of a joke or a laugh. And that’s where my guilt comes from. Guilty for trying to be a part of something (anything) that at least one person always doesn’t want me to be a part of. Hell, it’s the guilt from being born that my mother passed on to me.

So because of my gender, because of the way I experience femininity and masculinity and how I don’t know how to balance the two. Because I have no idea how to be friends with people, especially women regardless of how much I’d love a female friend. I don’t feel good enough for women, or most men for that matter. Because I only know how to feel “comfortable” in a way that makes me laugh around boys I wonder if I still am a pick me, or if I’m just an insanely lonely creature of habit. I feel like I know the answer but when I try to word it or think of it my mind goes blank.

I’m well aware that by sharing all of this I am opening myself up to criticism and judgement from anyone who reads this. I don’t expect many people to see this or read it all the way through, but I would like some thoughts. Or advice. Or any confirmation that I’m not the only one who’s experienced this. I just need at least one witness to my existence. Nobody I know follows me on here or even knows I have tumblr, so worst case scenario is that I have to delete this post because of some comments 🤷‍♀️. So what do I have to lose by finally making some of my feelings and thoughts public? This way it’s more anonymous

For a long time this loneliness was something I had to take pride in because if I didn’t I had to confront the realization that maybe no wanted me or wanted to be around me. But I’m getting too old for that and I’m tired. And the thought of being an actual pick me does scare me, because I’m also way too old for that. Hence why the topic triggers this thought process in me.

0 notes

cooki3face · 8 months

Text

your first time alone with your spouse 🖤

I finally sorted out a content schedule for my tarot readings, Instagram page, and TikTok account so I’ll be posting large tarot readings every other day, and in the days in between I’ll be posting things like channeled messages from your person and three card pulls over on my Instagram and TikTok. If you don’t follow me on my Instagram account already go check it out, @cookiefacetarot where I post channeled messages from your person, divine masculine and divine feminine channeled messages, divine masculine and divine feminine energy updates and affirmations for those of you who are in high-level soul mate connections or twin flame connections. I’ll also be doing mini-channeled messages from Spirit as well as horoscope forecasts on Mondays. I love you so much, thanks for reading this little blurb before I get into the reading! 🖤

***

I'm so excited about these readings, I can feel the love and the energy entering the room. 🥹

This person is going to spend a lot of money to make this night extra special, they may go the extra mile to figure out where you're going to go, where you’re going to honeymoon, they’re going to be thinking about the food, the music, it’ll be a whole production. I’m also hearing spirit telling me that you’re not going to want to make a spectacle of your marriage or your wedding night right away. There’s something specific coming through for a handful of you about the things you’re going to achieve with this person or the moments you’re gonna share together that you’ll want to wait to share with the world because you never want to take something that’s developing or is meant to be protected and give everyone access to it right away. Your first pregnancy you’ll probably want to wait a while to announce. Your engagement you’ll probably want to keep a secret for a while or at least until you guys are married, you guys may marry very quickly because you guys just can’t wait. I’m hearing “private until it’s permanent”

I see this person not making quick moves or even having any particular intentions toward you or expectations for this wedding night. We all know what goes on between a couple on the night of the wedding but I see this person really wanting to slow down and enjoy your energy and enjoy the energy that comes with being married. The sun card in reverse talks about one’s inner child. You may have known this person for a long time here or had a very long process of coming into union with this person once and for all and this is such a wish fulfillment for them and they could’ve dreamed of the day you were married a long time. This person values you, they want to spend time with you. I’m hearing “Life isn’t near long enough a sentence to be with you.” If this person could they would ask for more time when it was their time to pass on so they could spend it with you. This person adores you, this person wants to go where you go.

I see this person going out of their way to use their connections and resources to make this night as special as they envisioned it to be. They’ve been manifesting a long-term commitment with you for a long time and then getting it is proof they're meant for something in this life or that the universe loves them I’m hearing. This person fully intends to sit with you and enjoy you all night long. I hear you guys staying up all night together and talking about your memories, laughing, genuinely enjoying your time together, and shifting into the energy that will be there and be shared within your life together. There’s genuine love here, genuine affection, and support. This person couldn’t be happier and they may tell you this that night. You guys could share a lot of intimate embraces this night as well. Feeling each other's skin, feeling each other's touch in deep profound ways because you know that the worst is over and your time to be together and spend the rest of your lives together has finally arrived. I’m hearing “At Last” by Etta James but particularly Beyoncé’s version because I prefer it. When you’re really in love you listen to Beyoncé’s version. When it’s bittersweet and you want to cry a little you listen to Etta’s version.

This night will give the two of you the space and the time to finally be done with any heartbreak and really truly put the past behind you and rejoice now that your connection is harmonious and has reached the point the two of you’d been wishing for and working towards all along. This connection will be so harmonious and you guys will compliment one another so well and empower one another that this single connection will birth an entirely new reality for the two of you. Enlightening the both of you spiritually, giving the two of you the power to join forces and go after life as a unit and bring prosperity and abundance most people could not even dream of. You and this person will be a power couple or may even grow to do something that will help many people. Individually and together. There couldn’t be a better match.

This Union will bring about such powerful change and enlightenment and alignment for the two of you. Bringing about the release of any self-limiting beliefs and fears. I’m hearing once the two of you are open, you’ll remain that way. Your higher selves belong to one another, you’ll feed off of each other's energies, ideas, courage, and love.

You’ll be rich together. In love and in finances.

The months of August and September as well as the fall and winter months and those seasons may be significant to you or connection. 🍂

***

ii.

This person wants to love you down pile two. I see this person planning a really intimate and romantic wedding night with you. They know they want to make love to you. I’m also getting you’re going to look so good on your wedding day that this person is going to want to get hot and heavy as soon as you guys get in the door. This person is so passionate about you. And not in a negative way like that’s all they see you as but they’re so passionate about you, nobody turns them on like you do and they’ll instantly be ready to show you just how much. With the fool card in reverse they could’ve been holding back all day or for a really long time, the two of you could’ve waited till marriage to be intimate or could’ve abstained from sex for a little while while you were waiting to be married.

This person has very romance novel esc fantasies about you lol they may enjoy romance novels or enjoy romance as a genre as a whole. And I think this person feels as though they’d be taking a risk by coming towards you in this way or revealing how much they desire you to you pile two. You may not have ever seen this person in this light or seen how passionate they can be or what the other side of them is like. This person could be like night and day. Very sweet on the surface, very passionate and sexual within. You may not have had a lot of sex with this person, your relationship could’ve been really emotionally intimate or really heavily influenced by emotions and just being sweet and gentle with this person but this person desires you in ways you don’t know the real scope of I’m getting. This person craves being one with you and I think that their sexually charged energy is really a deep desire to be extremely close to you and become one.

This person wants to feel deeply connected with you and on your wedding night, they will. You’re this person's ten of cups. You’re this person's true divine love and harmonious connection. This person knows your the one and has known it for a long time and the way they see it, no matter the distance, no matter what happens, you’ll always be their person and they’ll always love you no matter what. The wish fulfillment of being wed to you only makes them wish to be close to you more, which only makes them happier. This person could really like it when you do things for them or really enjoys it when you take care of them, it makes them feel incredibly special and loved. This would be the person who would take care of you for the rest of your days just to return the smallest gesture you did for them like three years ago, January 2nd at 3:30 pm because they love you so much.

This persons feels indebted to you for the rest of their life just because you exist and it’s an honor to be indebted to you in their eyes. The appreciation and devotion this person has with you is truly unmatched. I’m hearing “I wouldn’t rather be any place else or with anybody else.” This person could’ve told you this before or had been telling you this for a long time.

This person has never had to think about if you were the one or not or question their love for you. They’ve always felt safe by you, they’ve always wanted nothing more than to be loved by you.

***

iii.

I see you getting everything you deserve on your wedding night pile three, you could even be nervous or unaware of a surprise or something that's being prepared for you behind the scenes by your partner but it'll be everything you could ever wish for. You could be heavily manifesting a specific outcome but your person really has your back and they’ll come through for you. You may not have met the person you’re going to marry yet but this person is going to invest so much time into really getting to know you and really studying you. This person will be so incredibly romantic and creative. This person knows what you need. You may even be stressed out while planning the wedding or on the day of the wedding and you may even have conflicts with others, guests, a mother-in-law, a father-in-law, or even have some disagreements with your partner about what is that you want to do but I’m hearing that this person knows you beyond your fears and they may even know you better than you know yourself and when they come to the rescue and plan things out for you you always really enjoy what they’ve put together even if you were worried about it in the beginning.

You could be really particular about things and sometimes indecisive but this person knows you so well that they bring your deepest manifestations to fruition without you even having to communicate what you need and what you want. This person completes you, the two of you fit together like puzzle pieces. I’m hearing this person is going to make your wedding night extremely relaxing for you and make your honeymoon extremely relaxing. They may draw you a bath the first night, help you take your shoes off, or help you take down your hair, take the clips out of your hair, and get unready. This person will help you decompress before they help themselves decompress because in this person's mind their purpose is to make sure you’re cared for and happy. No ask is too big for this person.

You may have trouble in your love life or have had bad experiences with relationships and not getting everything you deserve but this person isn’t going to be like that for you and that’s why you’re marrying them because this person will show up and prove to you how worthy you are of care and affection without you having to ask for it or compromise. This person would never let anyone hurt you, and they would never hurt you. I hear they’d do a good job of standing up for you and showing the world and everyone else how much they love and appreciate you. You’re a top priority to this person. There’s nobody better. There’s nobody more worthy. You may cry a lot or be someone who is very emotionally driven and very easily stressed out or moved and this person will be the most perfect support system. I’m hearing you don’t need any more friends and family lol this person IS friends and family.

This person moves mountains and any blockages out of your way. This person is very passionate about you. Whatever they can do to make your life soft and easy they will. I’m hearing “spoiled.” This person is going to spoil you and really make sure you feel overly loved and safe. Especially heard and seen. You may have grown up being ignored or invalidated constantly by parents, family members, or even friends and this person is going to allow your inner child to heal and allow you to shed the limiting idea that you’re really not truly worth being listened to or that other peoples needs are more important than yours. You’re the whole world to this person, you could not ask for a bigger role in this person's life.

This person is going to be very gentle and patient with you. Any time you have a hard time expressing yourself, they’re going to be there to help you and understand what’s going on. Anytime you’re stressed out and can’t handle the weight of something they're going to be there to carry it with you. This person is going to allow you to be able to pause and release things and receive effortlessly. Don't settle. This person will come.

***

Beautiful piles today, these were all very sweet and emit such strong energy of safety and stability and I can’t help but be happy for everyone lol I love you. Thankyou for coming to visit me, make sure you come back soon and bring your loved ones. If you’d like to book a personal reading with me you could find my booking link in my Instagram bio. Thank you. 🖤

2K notes · View notes