The in-universe Gothamite's guide to shipping your resident billionaire 💀
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Upcoming Villain in Gotham: if only we knew Batman's identity! Then we could just go to his house and-
Riddler: we all know his identity
Catwoman: I regularly go to his house
Harley: I went to med school with him
Two-Face: he was my best friend
Red Hood: he's my Dad
UCVG: ...wait what?
Red Hood: family, you know how it is.
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Harvey and Selina 🐱 two of my favorite rogues <3
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I was going to say something but it's honestly just funnier to try and guess what they're talking about
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The thing is, no matter who you ship Batman with, there's no version of the identity reveal that's not objectively hilarious.
Whether it's Selina or Clark or literally whoever, just imagine that you have fallen in love with Batman. This is a man who is very intelligent, likely the most capable and competent person you know, one of the few humans who can go toe to toe with metahumans, and he acts a bit aloof and gruff, but as you get to know him you realize that he is an extremely caring person. He is out night after night, putting his life and safety at risk because he loves his city and feels such a strong responsibility towards making it better in any way he can. He is one of the bravest men you know and you admire his skills and dedication.
And finally, finally, he is about to reveal his identity to you. You know how much this means, how much trust is involved, and then he pulls back his cowl and it's motherfucking Bruce Wayne. Like what even--How do you respond to that? How do you reconcile everything you know and love about Batman with Bruce Wayne. That's--that's not...This is supposed to be a big romantic moment and you can't even respond because what the fuck??
You feel a headache coming on.
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Broke: Jason hates criminals because they break the law.
Woke: Jason hates criminals because they all wanna fuck his dad.
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Didn’t know whether I wanted to have dick or Jason as lead, but I think I like it this way better. I did change it up a little from the original as you can see by the weird color and bad spelling.
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Idk if you do stuff for the Rogues but what did Batman catch them doing that's weird but not illegal?
Harley Quinn: egging her own house
Poison Ivy: growing a pumpkin carriage
Catwoman: putting pickles in her spaghetti
Riddler: making TikTok reactions to Tumblr posts
Two-Face: writing with his non-dominant hand
Mad Hatter: bringing his own cart to the store
Scarecrow: wearing underwear outside his clothes
Mr. Freeze: ordering ice water with whipped cream
Penguin: sitting in an elevator
Black Mask: petitioning for his own Batburger item
Clayface: picking clay out of his ear and sniffing it
Killer Croc: licking his sandwich before eating it
Bane: doing push-ups in the middle of the sidewalk
Joker: saying his pronouns are hee hee hee
BONUS – Jason: sleeping on the Batcave floor
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Some info about my AU with new Illustrations ✨
Notes:
I combined the names of Garfield Lynns and Bridgit Pike for my version
(I am still open to making changes to the information)
I'm thinking about Ventriloquist, Music meister and Pyg being next, but I'm not sure.
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