so-tired-of-dying - Tumblr blog

so-tired-of-dying · 6 months

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I write my poetry

On my arms

And legs

On my chest

On my waist

It’s always in red

Dip ink

Go again

Exhale

Broken

Stupid

Worthless

Shell of a human being

I am not a girl

I am not a boy

I don’t want this anymore

dear 14 year old me

it’s ok little 14 year old me, mom didn’t accept you for it (and still doesn’t, but dad came around to it cuz he still has his baby and that’s what matters, he loves you more than anything in the world). and your friends were so quick to accept it, they love you so so much little me. they do want you around. they hate it when you hurt yourself. you’re out of the closet now completely lovely, you go by moth now baby <3 you’re so so loved little moth.

- love 20 yr old you

(ps your friend actually bought you a binder when you turned 15, and your best friend is still here)

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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and i wish you could hear what i say to myself about you,

when you’re not here.

how i wish you could hear me to tell myself to cool it in class,

when i catch myself smiling at the fact you even sent me a message,

before i’ve even seen what it says.

because at least it’s you.

because you told me the sweetest things i’ve ever been so blessed and grateful to hear.

my fruit was pineapple,

despite the bath and body works that would say otherwise.

“you remind me of strawberries”

my signature strawberry scent that i have dawned since i was 14. i’m 19 now.

i have more bottles of that perfume than one person needs,

and the hand sanitizer,

and the lotions and hand creams,

and the hand soap by my sink.

because it mixes well with vanilla,

the same vanilla in my favorite body wash. that same vanilla i could smell on my grandmother when we sat next to each other for our birthday.

because you have always come back,

because you kept your promise from that night.

that i could call if i needed help.

and that night you came back after the yelling that caused the tears to melt off my eyeliner.

because i have given so many reasons you should never come back for me but,

you’re still here.

and i tell you i love you every morning because i do.

and i can feel excitement bubble up inside me

so viscerally i think i’m a volcano that could go off at the slightest tremble of the earth.

when i say you give me butterflies

i mean it in the most beautiful way possible,

and they carry me away every single time.

and yet i have so much to say but i could never say it all to you.

because my words could never do these feelings justice.

i wish you could hear every single word of poetry written in my head about you.

describing the way your deep brown eyes pierce mine

when we actually make eye contact.

it always stops me in my tracks when you smile,

the way your dimples reach so deeply into your face.

i have a video i go back and watch,

so damn often,

just for the taste of your smile.

because it reminds me of just how sweetly you taste,

like honey so soft on my tongue.

like that first sip of water in the middle of the night that you can feel

rehydrating and

refreshing the entirety of your still

so tired body.

i wish you could hear the way

i wish

i could lace words as delicate as your touch.

i am treated like porcelain

because i am.

because you know how easy i am to break, because you’ve done it before.

and yet you still put those pieces back together and mended me with gold like you were a professional at the art kintsugi.

and you kissed my scars,

telling me that you were there

and that everything would be ok.

and if you could hear the melodies in my head when you speak,

your voice like a booming symphony to me,

no matter how soft your tone.

if i could write lyrics from the notes in my brain,

those songs would sell out stadiums.

deep and rich,

just like the soil we stand on.

and if i could, id take away all the pain

stored deep inside that i can hear crackling through your voice like a raging fire.

i wish you could hear what i say to myself about you when you’re not around,

all the silent thoughts left unsaid.

remembering the memories the no one can steal.

how privately i admire you, trying to bring you to life in a drawing.

trying to emulate the smile from that night,

and evoke the emotions behind it all.

serene, peaceful,

joyous.

i wish you could hear

just how much i wish i could go back,

to that night we met.

the night we walked under the stars,

smiling and laughing,

and just reliving it again.

i wish you could hear the things I say to myself when you’re not here.

because you’d hear how lovely you are,

and how dearly i cherish you.

because you’d hear me whispering to myself,

as i carefully move the rose you gave me in late October.

if you could hear the way i tell myself to calm down,

whenever i’m excited to see you.

i might just get

a sweet and joyous chuckle.

if you could see the way my insides warp and twist in anticipation.

the way i check my phone each night,

a million times before i fall asleep

just in case you need me.

the way

poetry about you

always seems so go on forever;

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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i was supposed to kill myself today,

February 14, 2023.

it’s rainy today,

dark and dreary out.

the perfect day for me to go missing,

never make it to class or to work.

i was supposed to down a bottle of pills with vodka,

after eating things i’ve denied myself for the sake of being skinny.

i was supposed to use a rope and allow myself to swing freely,

like a child on a play set.

i was supposed to use my blades to carve deep into my skin,

watching blood bubble up to the surface.

i was supposed to stand in front of an oncoming train,

and let the impact take me away.

i was supposed to press a gun

to my temple,

or stick the barrel in my mouth,

or to pressed tightly to my chest.

i was supposed to kill myself today.

i was supposed to leave a note in my dorm,

detailing that i couldn’t go on like this.

lay out my heart all right there readily visible to the person that found me first.

i was supposed to leave a note at home to be found later.

my note was supposed to

detail

every single

horrible thing i’ve ever made it through

and every horrible thought i’ve had.

i was supposed to leave a bunch of notes

separate from the other,

to the individuals in my life i’d be letting down.

to say i’m sorry

for all the things i’ve done

to let them down.

and to tell them it’s not their fault,

i was already gone.

that i’ve been dead for years.

because it’s true,

i have.

im not ok, and i really haven’t been.

not in a long long time.

and i know it’s horrible

to make parents bury their children,

and grandparents bury their grandchildren,

but it’s also horrible to be

in just so much pain.

i was supposed to kill myself today.

but i’m still here.

February 14, 2023.

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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i accept death when he comes for me with open arms

i plan to greet him with tea and cookies

and asking him how he is

as i imagine how lonely he may feel

i accept the devil when i come home

i plan to ask him how many he has loved silently throughout history

and if he would like a cup of coffee

as i know how vicious he’s treated

i accept life with gentle pause

unsure and anxious

but i still accept her soft touch

and the way she quietly breathes herself to me

hesitation coursing my veins

as she pushes me forward

off the ledge

and i begin to fly

slowly at first

and then with reckless abandon

so i don’t burn the cookies

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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and the showers aren’t that hard

other than the crying

and the stinging on my arms and legs

other than the way

i can still hear the thoughts so loudly

and feel old hands so clearly

showers aren’t that hard

and sleeping alone isn’t that hard

other than the crying

and the shivering from the cold

other than the way

i feel so alone with my thoughts

listening to others laugh with their friends

in the other room

and sleeping alone isnt that hard

and the drinking alone isn’t that hard

until i’m stumbling around by myself

looking for my keys

and desperately searching for my phone

not sure where my brain is taking me

or maybe it’s my heart

tugging me

to the arms i so desperately crave to fall into

and sometimes i want to tell him

that

i didn’t relapse at the start

i just never stopped

i just got better at hiding it

i just never told anyone

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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drops on the floor

there must be a leak

please

tell the pain i said goodbye

share my apologies with the world

for not being a better

parter

friend

child

student

person

for not being

better

i don’t deserve

so many things

i’m so so

tired

at a quarter till noon

and half past ten

but i can’t sleep

not at night

or during the day

tell grandma

to please please please

open up the gates for me

tell grandpa

to please please please

ready the horses and

pour a cup of coffee

for the three of us

my apologies

that you have to see me

in this way

trembling and crying

begging for a bottle

or pills or alcohol

sliding down the shower wall

drop of red on the

cold tile floor

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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brown eyes

completely frozen

dull and unmoving

nearly lifeless

red staining the tiles

a bottle of pills scattered on floor

music playing softly

in the darkened room

gulping breaths echoing

tears escaping silently

phone starts buzzing

the gulps soften

phone stops buzzing

gulps come to a stop

buzzing again

and again

and

again

darkness pools

in the dull brown eyes

already pale skin

turns the shade of printer paper

red keeps dripping

and pooling

the pills don’t move

cold sets in

the music fades

and the phone buzzes again

no movement

more buzzing

on the cold tile floor.

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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Comfort,

In the strangest way

I have found within

The cool metal

And the sting as it

Penetrates the skin

I find it

In the smallest

Of things

Raindrops

From my

Arms

Or legs

It resides deep inside

Making

My bones

Ache

For comfort

#2 am poetry #tw triggers #tw selfhate #im just tired #original poem #sad poem #tw sh vent #hurt/comfort #comfort #hidden blade #sad poetry #possibly triggering #young poets #grief/mourning #anxitey

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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Sometimes

I just wanna

Go back,

To the night we met.

Start fresh in the backseat of your car,

Me sneaking out

So I could spend time with you

Starting over,

Before you left

For weeks

With no word.

I wanna go back

To that night we met,

Under the stars, seeing the universe in

Your

Deep

Brown eyes.

Moving on,

Bigger and better now

I guess

But what if,

I waited.

What if we went back?

To the night we met

Sneaking out, drunk under the stars.

On the backroads, waiting to get caught.

Young, dumb, and broke

Paycheck next week

Going back to the night we met

But this time,

We stayed

A little longer

And kissed a little sweeter.

Yellow means caution,

It was written across your face.

That you weren’t going to be

Any

Fucking

Good for me.

Slow beats,

Late at night.

After a bowl and a bottle.

I - sad songs and

Finding temporary fills

I needed you.

#2 am poetry #tw triggers #tw selfhate #death mention tw #im just tired #sad poem #original poem #sad but true #excerpt from a story i'll never write #im lost #losing you #missing pieces

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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Thank you, for telling us your excerpts. People love you and hope for you to have more good days than bad. I hope you are receiving help. Thank you again, you make people feel that they are not alone. You are not alone.

i’m always here for anyone that needs help. i believe that no one is ever alone, and that’s why i continue to put out my poetry. no one is ever as alone as they think, and maybe they’ll feel safer reaching out knowing that there is someone out there that feels the same. i will always love and support every single one of my followers and fans <3 as long as you continue to interact, my content gets pushed out further for others to realize that they aren’t alone. all of you are so valued by me, the reason i keep posting is for you to not feel so alone. i love you <3

#submission

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so-tired-of-dying · 1 year

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White lace

Olive green silk

Tanned skin

Curly hair

Big brown eyes

Brimmed with tears

1 inhale

2 exhale

3 inhale

4 exhale

Every other one

Red drops

On

White lace

Rapid

Hungry

Dark spots

On olive green silk

Tears

Crying

Racing thoughts

#im just tired #this came to me at 2am #2 am poetry #poemsbyme #sadbeautifultragic #sad poetry #death mention tw #tw selfhate #tw triggers

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so-tired-of-dying · 2 years

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How long, has it been?

Since we last spoke?

A year, or maybe

Two?

Try three on for size.

And so much has happened,

Since we last spoke

My dear,

I have seen both heaven

And hell,

Since we last spoke.

I have lost

Some of those

Important to me.

My birthday buddy

And my best furry

Friend.

I’ve been bruised,

And even scarred in

Invisible ways.

I got passed through

The lost

And found.

And yet

Though you abandoned me,

I have thought of you. At the end

Of the night.

When I let out my heavy sigh,

And finally breathe.

I think of you.

Warm and gentle,

It’s soothing.

And then only

The worst.

The words

And feelings.

The empty left inside,

As with you,

Went my trust.

That was so

Slowly built.

And then

I make a choice,

Of letting down a wall.

Maybe, you are safe?

But what if,

The kindness and warmth.

The words?

are only scrapes left behind.

Caution

Remains.

Words tickling the brain.

Promises,

But could be false.

A new feeling,

With reservation, hesitation.

But excited.

Heat rises through me,

A warm desire.

What if,

I let you in more?

Give in a little

To the pressure.

Meet you,

Halfway even when you don’t

Understand my pain.

Why is it,

Like no time

Has even passed?

Like you

Never hurt me?

Like you

Have always been there?

Like we

Never paused?

Like I

Never cried

Over you?

Like we

Spoke last week?

#anxitey #anxienty #writers and poets #death mention tw #tw ed thoughts #tw selfhate #tw triggers #naptime #nightlife #texts from last night #this came to me at 2am #2am things #2 am poetry #poemsbyme #original poem

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so-tired-of-dying · 2 years

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A year has come and gone.

I miss you.

We had no joint

parties

like we used to do.

No Christmas or New Years.

Not for you at least.

It’s been a year.

The pain still just as strong.

A lump in my throat,

like when I first heard the news.

Trying to go on

like I couldn’t feel the pain,

booming deep inside my

chest

my lungs

brain

my heart.

Beating fast.

Pulsating pains.

Inhale. Exhale.

Thinking back to camp

“In with the blue skies, out with the grey”

But all the skies are

grey.

The year has been so bland,

monotonous and dark.

Melancholy.

Not sure what to do.

A year without you here,

broken promises

broken hearts.

So much loss for just one

single year.

Prom, birthdays, Christmas and Thanksgiving. Easter too.

Nothing has been the same.

Not without you.

#how-why-what-when #tw triggers #may be triggering #anxitey #death mention tw #death cw #trauma #supernatural #my grandma #love #heartache #heartbreak #missing pieces #excerpt from a story i'll never write #i love you #i miss you #gonebutneverforgotten #sunset #sunrise

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so-tired-of-dying · 2 years

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Cold

It’s all so cold

That’s all I feel when you are around.

A cold sensation, as if you were a ghost.

You are not human.

No where near,

You are my nightmare.

Cold.

Icy.

Unwelcoming.

The pounding in my chest, the chill in my bones

You’re the unsettling fog late at night.

The bile rising in my throat, the tightness in my back.

You’re all the worst parts.

You’re what keeps me broken into pieces, a constant reminder that I will never be enough.

Everything is sudden

Gasping for breath

Wanting to float

Grasping at the overturned boat

Trying not to drown

But

I

A

M

S

I

N

K

I

N

G

Faster

And

F

A

S

T

E

R

Everything is cold

Everything

Is

Dark

N

O

W

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so-tired-of-dying · 2 years

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Below Empty

I have nothing left

I’m sorry mom and dad

I know I messed up bad

But I’m finally done

I’m left below empty

Numb and tired, forever tired

Finally I can escape

I should have done better

My dreams can now come true

I love you more than anything in the world

Love your baby girl

#fishingboatproceeds #i'm just so tired #im sorry #may be triggering #empty thoughts #poem #poemsbyme #sad aesthetic #sad poem #2 am poetry

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so-tired-of-dying · 2 years

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I’m not sure how to actually come out irl so here I am, I’m not a girl. I’m not a boy. I’m nonbinary. And I can’t come out at home. It’s not safe for me to do that for a while:

I’m scared to close my eyes once more

The darkness consumes

Darker and darker

A light approaches

“Come with me” and flutters away

I follow doing only what I’m taught

I am back the edge of the water

She is screaming out

She is supposed to be me

But

It’s not who I see

Thrashing

It’s loud and violent

I make the waves rise higher as I’m drug down

I am not she, but me

The power of my rage

My worst fears swirl

Abandonment, isolation, no escape

Every time I close my eyes

To this world of darkness I go

I am not safe

With tears I wake, a wail of anguish upon the land

What is this? My nightmare.

#nonbinary #poem #sad thoughts #sad poetry #sad poem #writers and poets #writers #very tired #may be triggering #tiring #coming out #i am filled with rage #abandoned #isolation #nightmare

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so-tired-of-dying · 2 years

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Finals

Final hug

Final kiss

Final laugh

Final goodbye

No one will know until morning

Medication downed with a bottle

I put the mouth to my own

And pull the trigger

The only escape I have

I will be done

I am done

No one will know

Until it’s too late

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