#heaven gained a real one today ….

[minionsunclee]

Blarmy!

#dimension 20 #fantasy high #d20 #fhjy #d20 fhjy #fig faeth #gorgug thistlespring #adaine o'shaughnessey #fabian seacaster #kristen applebees #k2 #british kristen #heaven gained a real one today …. #the blimey intervention actually made me scream it was … it was crazy #the stuff of legend #also had to draw the party people ❤️ #and gorgugs little comment #ive seen a couple of posts about it btw i see it more as a look how far weve come #like remember when we died to the corn cuties? well now were in the sky about to die from a bunch of fucking dragons attacking us #isnt life so funny

[bloodsoeur]

oh dear god please I beg you just a teeny tiny snippet will suffice, please provide a follow-up to Earth Tav somehow reuniting with Astarion, via reincarnation or another divine intervention 😭

in reference to this post here, where Astarion handles a Tav from Earth who returns home after the defeat of the Netherbrain. my darling dearest. your wish is but my command. this is open ended because i was tempted to take it in an nsft direction, but for now please enjoy! cw: none, fluff, the doccy who references are out in FULL FORCE today.

-

It’s not until the wound has fully scarred over and he’s lying in a sweat-heavy trance that he feels a familiar ice-pick of intervention making headway into his brain. 

Someone is tampering with his dreams. 

Another quest, perhaps? Another person wanting him to traipse the length of the Sword Coast for their own gain once more? 

Lazy by way of an impressionable entrance. He’s a little put off by it in all honesty. Unoriginal.

It’s not until his bleary-eyed dream self rubs the glare from his eyes that he sees the vision before him and chokes.

You. 

It’s been a tenday since he last dreamed of you. 

He must’ve been slacking. 

Your sheer unbridled whimpers of laughter as you barrel towards him. Skidding to the ground where he sits, cross legged; rushing to cup his face in your hands and smatter it with hurried kisses.

“It’s real. This is real. It’s not a dream. I’m here. Well. In your dream, but it’s me.’

It takes him a moment. He inhales deeply.

Gods. It is you. The smell with which he became so familiar, nights under the stars with his nose buried in the crook of your neck.

‘I don’t know when I’ll be able to do this again, if ever.’

Your forehead presses to his as his fingers find yours, looping together as he gasps for air.

‘I think of you every single day. I miss you, every single minute.”

There’s a broken sob in his ear, heavy with spit and shakes.

He heaves a slight wail of his own. Arms lift to pull you down into his lap.

“Love. Oh, love.’

Astarion doesn’t care how you’ve done it. He doesn’t know how long you have left together in the ballroom of his mind and intends to spend every second in the present.

‘My lost love. Look at you.”

As his eyes run the length of your face he studies for changes. You have more grey at the root of your hair, the creases around your eyes a little deeper. Not aged too significantly, but it’s been a while since your adventure together in your realm, too.

You snort a teary giggle. 

“Look at you! Beautiful thing. Gods love you still.’

He must look pretty similar. A little more battle-worn, surely; but aside from that the only difference is the rings running up his pointed ears. You toy with them as he holds you close around the waist. 

‘I never got to say goodbye, did I?”

No. Not this.

“Don’t. Please.”

You pull back a little and your eyes meet once more, both glimmering wet and aching. It takes a moment for you to speak.

“I’ll spend my whole life looking for a way to come back to you. But this-’

You gesture to the scintillating purples and blues around you, the grass. It’s a similar vision to that of the dream guardian from all that time ago. 

‘I’m using a star for the energy to say goodbye.”

He sobs something guttural. Of course you’re destroying a celestial body to see him once more. It couldn’t be something simple, could it?

“Keep doing it! There’s a sky full of them!’

He laughs into you. 

‘Or better yet, come back. Please.”

“I’d be old by the time I got to you. People might stare.”

He fumbles for your hand once more. He’s been stashing potions and elixirs to negate your ageing should you appear on his doorstep one day, but you don’t need to know that.

“Don’t care. Come back. Come back to me.”

Your own laugh sounds like it was borne straight from the heavens.

“You don’t think I would if I could? In a heartbeat?”

#answered #my writing #astarion x reader #astarion ancunin #astarion #bg3 #baldurs gate astarion #astarion bg3 #fluff

[smileyerim]

in hell there’s heaven

He’s full of too many emotions he doesn’t know how to name, so he screams. To the owls hooting in the trees, to the moon, to God if He was listening. For the first time ever in his 25 years of living, Jaehyun has to come to terms with his emotions.

inspired by solo by frank ocean

pairing: jeong jaehyun x reader

genre: angst

length: 1k

warnings: adults smoking weed, mentions of cheating

If Jaehyun could do anything in the world right now, he would go back to 3 days ago, slap himself in the face, and call you. He wants that more than he’s ever wanted anything in your relationship, but he didn’t do that.

3 days ago Jaehyun cheated on you. 3 hours ago the guilt hit him so hard he wanted to cry, an emotion he wasn’t particularly comfortable with expressing in front of you, when you told him you were so happy he was yours. Because, yes, that’s technically true, but 2 days and 21 hours ago Jaehyun was kissing the neck of another woman, whispering sweet nothings into her ear, and entering into her with far too much ease.

So 3 minutes ago he decided to tell you about his infidelity. Jaehyun never believed the “eyes are the window to the soul” bullshit until that exact moment when he saw in your eyes your heart breaking.

“I-I need a minute.” You say, walking away. You did that a lot. Insecurity built up from relationships past left you uneasy with the idea of expressing anger towards a partner. Even when you and Jaehyun fought you always conceded first, letting him win even if you were still hurt. Jaehyun knew this, and he always tried his hardest not to take advantage of it and you, always letting you know you had the space to be upset.

He didn’t say that this time, though. He knew he didn’t need to, that damn look in your eyes communicated it enough.

3 seconds of sitting alone on the couch, eyes glued to his shut bedroom door that you just locked yourself into to think, Jaehyun decides he can’t sit with these feelings.

So he doesn’t, in a manner that is just so him, he decides on taking the fresh pre-roll he bought from the dispensary earlier to share with you out to the balcony alone.

The old and derelict lawn chair squeaked concerningly as he sat down, but he doesn’t care. He takes the white lighter he bought himself as a bad luck charm out of his pocket and the joint up to his lips, flicking the lighter and burning his eyes at the flame. He takes a few puffs in, not inhaling, just to start the sweet burn. He blows softly on the cherry end to prevent it from canoeing before taking his first real drag, eyebrows scowling at the peppery taste. He hates this strain, but it was the only one that seemed to calm your anxiety, like truly mellow you out. So he sacrificed.

Jaehyun was famous at ignoring his emotions, bottling them up until they burst. No matter what he was truly feeling, he always expressed anger when he exploded. He lost a lot of relationships because of that, but you stayed, you always did. It takes a lot out of him to admit to himself that earlier today when he felt so upset he wanted to cry, he scared himself. Jaehyun doesn’t care about many things enough to want to cry over them, but suddenly at the prospect of hurting you his tear ducts sprung to life again. He thought they had shriveled up and died.

That’s one of the many things he guesses he gained from you, emotional freedom, assurance that he isn’t a waste of space and time, unconditional support in his dreams, and the gift of what he suspects is the love of his life.

He guesses that’s all gone now.

He’s torn away from his thoughts when the screen door to the balcony opens and you step out to join him. There’s a second chair out here but you don’t sit, standing and staring at your bare feet. He wants to tell you to go back inside and put on shoes before the ants bite you, but it feels like the wrong time so he doesn’t.

He chooses to just stare at you, your hair partially blocking your face as you look down still. He’s pretty stoned at this point, halfway through the joint.

He doesn’t know what to do, and time feels so very slow so he offers you the joint by moving his hand below your line of sight. He doesn’t imagine there’s a way you’ll say no to it, you know the scent. You must know it’s your favorite. You must know he bought it for you.

Unbeknownst to him, though, nothing can calm the anxiety you have right now.

“Jaehyun, I can’t do this.” You finally look at him, and the look in your eyes, those damn eyes and that damn look break his heart again. He doesn’t show it though, just pursing his lips and letting a frown settle.

“I-I can’t be with you anymore.”

He watches the tear roll down your cheek. He wants to scoff, but his heart is too broken. An unmistakable feeling of emptiness and regret fills him, a stinging pain that he tries to swallow down stays burning behind his sternum.

He’s broken. Fully, entirely, all encompassingly broken.

“Are you going to say anything?” You say.

And no, he wasn’t particularly planning on it. What is there to say? He fucked up, he knew it right after it happened and even a small part of him during it too, but there’s no going back.

He knows that not one word he could say that would convince you that he loves you more than he loves the freedom to do whatever he wants.

Now, though, he’s questioning which is a bigger priority to him.

You shake your head and scoff at him before turning, opening the screen door and leaving for the last time.

He’s full of too many emotions he doesn’t know how to name, so he screams. To the owls hooting in the trees, to the moon, to God if He was listening.

For the first time ever in his 25 years of living, Jaehyun had to come to terms with his emotions.

He fucking hated it, and he still loves you. That was the worst part.

part 2 here <3

#autumn writes jaehyun #nct #kpop #ficscafe #jaehyun #jaehyun angst #angst #jaehyun imagines #jaehyun smut #cheating au #sad!!! #so sad!!! #lol

[addledmongoose]

Good Omens Fanfic Friday (05 Apr 2024)

Almost everything this week is canon-compliant/adjacent. For a change there's only one human AU.

Nice And Ominous: a reluctant eschatology of the Second Attempt (series) (84K currently; Rated T/E)

Every so often there comes along a week where I'm absolutely ecstatic to recommend something. I spend all week in anticipation of sharing it with everyone in the hopes they'll love it as much as I do. This week, it's this series, a three-part post-S2 that definitely deserves way more kudos and attention than it currently has.

Part I (rated T) is from Crowley's POV and focuses on him slowly healing from the heartache of losing his angel. He learns to be friends with Maggie and Nina, becomes like a big brother to Muriel, and even gains an almost-friendship with Eric. The story isn't as angsty as it sounds, though Crowley doesn't always have the healthiest coping mechanisms (a tendency to drink and drive across the world). The author does a great job of not putting all the breakup blame on Aziraphale. You can always tell the difference between Crowley blaming Aziraphale in a story and the author blaming him.

Part II (rated T) is from Aziraphale's POV. This story is definitely more angsty that Part I. Aziraphale's up there doing is best, but with only one real (human) friend back on Earth to rely on and trust, he's mostly on his own. Just as with Part I, the author doesn't put the entirety of the blame for the breakup on Crowley any more than he does Aziraphale. Be warned that it ends in a cliffhanger.

Part III (mostly rated T but some E) is still incomplete, but the author posts weekly and the story is already written, so I feel confident we'll see the end. I can't say much about the plot of this one without serious spoilers, but if you read the first two parts you'll definitely want to read Part III. It hurts at times. A lot. If you need mostly fluff right now, this isn't the one for you. (The rest of today's list is pure fluff, though, because I needed it after obsessing over this story).

If you don't like to be left hanging on a story, read Part I, but hold off on Part II until Part III is complete. It won't be too long; the author has already released two chapters since I started writing this note (7 of 14).

This series is incredibly well-written. It's almost certain to make my year-end best-of list, as it's easily one of the best "what happens next" after Aziraphale leaves for Heaven. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it all week.

***

Break the Rules (1.4K; Rated G)

Aziraphale has a beard. Crowley loses his mind.

***

In Love We Rise (11K; Rated E)

One of two AJ_Constantine stories on my list this week filled with fluff and gorgeous writing. It's Easter Sunday and Aziraphale is feeling a little down about the holiday. Crowley decides to cheer him up.

***

Bad Communications (series) (15K; Rated T)

Funny post-S2 three-part series where Crowley and Aziraphale are made to realize (by Nina/Maggie and Muriel respectively) that they might not have communicated with each other as clearly as they thought during the Final 15. I particularly love how Muriel is written here.

***

Heaven On Wheels (3K; Rated M)

Aziraphale buys a Scoopy moped and convinces Crowley to go for a ride. The author, CopperBeech, describes it as "a sappy, happy, old-fashioned s1-compliant (and s2-defiant) post-Nopocalypse getting-together fic."

***

Caramel Delight (16K; Rated E)

Human AU. Another wonderful bit of fluff from AJ_Constantine. Crowley is delighted when his terrible neighbors move out and even more delighted when he sees his new neighbor is a gorgeous blond man. The neighborly thing to do would be to bring over a jar of his Nan's caramel sauce as a welcome to the neighborhood gift, of course. Crowley is really dense here; hilariously so. The "they share one brain cell" tag would be appropriate, but Aziraphale is the only one using it.

#good omens fanfiction #fanfic friday

[scoops-aboy86]

Obsessed with the idea of working at scoops ahoy causing Steve’s weight gain. Maybe Eddie comes into the store at some point

Oh hell yeah, it’s such a goldmine of opportunities. 

Does Steve start snacking on purpose or does it creep up on him over time, during the slow hours when the only so-called customers are Erica Sinclair and her sampling horde? Is it the cold, thick ice cream that calls to him? Nibbles of toppings? The crunch of an empty cone that broke in the bag and it’s just going to go to waste otherwise? I think we all know he’d eat the bananas, they’re fruit and therefore healthy and therefore he can have as many as he wants. 

Or… (Brace yourself for 4067 words, 1k for every day this sat in my inbox. 😅)

Eddie has resorted to entering the mall for its air conditioning, and stays for the music selection in the Sam Goody. He’s about to leave when he passes Scoops Ahoy, and—is that King Steve? Oh, he has to go in. 

The store is otherwise quiet, and Steve’s coworker that Eddie vaguely recognizes from school is hanging out the window behind the counter, accepting a free employee’s cone that Steve has just scooped for her. “I can’t believe you eat so much of this stuff,” Steve is saying, and Eddie is surprised to hear a lot more genuine confusion than derision in his tone. 

“It’s ice cream, Steven,” the girl retorts, rolling her eyes. “Pretty sure it’s universally beloved by anyone who can stomach dairy or has ever experienced a heat wave.”

“It’s pure sugar,” Steve protests. “You’re going to get hyper and crash in an hour or two, and then you’ll be cranky while we’re closing up again.”

“That’s the plan, dingus,” she says with bright sarcasm, and takes an exaggerated lick of her cone before rocking backwards and snapping the window shut. 

And well. What is Eddie to do with King Steve’s apparent disdain for ice cream but dare him to eat some? He’ll let Steve pick his own favorite flavor, he’s not an animal, but— “Well well, I see how it is, Harrington. You’ll sell it but you won’t eat it? I’m pretty sure that’s negative advertising. Should I maybe… tell the manager?”

Steve whips around, and puts his hands on his hips that reminds Eddie terrifyingly of his gym teacher… who, now that he thinks about it, also coaches the basketball team, he’s pretty sure. Hilarious. 

“The manager isn’t even here today,” Steve snaps. 

“Oh, I could come back,” Eddie says with a smirk, and leans against the glass case to look him dead in the eye. “Whatcha got against the ice cream here, huh? Is it not very good?”

The jock pinches the bridge of his nose, another look he swears he’s seen in response to his forced attempts at sportsball over the past five years. “Jesus Christ,” Steve mutters, and pulls his ice cream scoop from his side holster with a little spin to get it in the ready position—what the hell, people can actually do shit like that in real life? “Please tell me you’ll go away if I give you a free cone.”

“I’ll go away if you eat a free cone,” Eddie shoots back. 

“Fine. Whatever.” Steve slides one of the back panels on the display case open and digs a scoop out of the tub of chocolate ice cream, grabbing a cone to plop it into. 

“Two scoops,” Eddie prods, amazed that it’s turning out this easy and amazed again when Steve just rolls his eyes and does it. “And I’ll hang around for a bit to make sure you don’t cheat.”

“Munson, I swear to god—”

Eddie flutters his eyelashes and slaps a hand to his own cheek. “Oh heavens,” he exclaims in a bad falsetto, “King Steve remembers my name, I might faint!”

Watching Steve bite and try to swallow as much of his reluctant treat as possible to get it done and Eddie gone faster is a spectacle only made better by the brain freeze visibly hitting Steve a second later. 

The next day Eddie goes back and half annoys, half challenges Steve into eating another ice cream treat. Robin, the coworker, thinks it’s hysterical and even helps him badger Steve into doing it. She gives Eddie a high five and, the following day when he comes back and does it again, introduces him to the You Rule You Suck board. She marks another two ticks in the latter column, one for each scoop. 

It’s six days of this in a row before Steve seems to realize how committed Eddie is to the bit. As soon as Eddie comes into the ice cream parlor on the seventh day, Steve just starts automatically preparing himself a two scoop cone of chocolate ice cream while scowling at him. 

So, on that seventh day, Eddie gives it a rest and actually orders something for once: a scoop of orange berry sherbet in a cup. Robin gets it for him and he accepts it with a bow, letting his change slide into the tip jar for the entertainment. “Thanks,” he says with a grin. “Don’t like ice cream much myself, but sherbet always hits the spot.”

Steve crunches loudly on the last of his cone and pushes his way into the back room to sulk his way through his fifteen minute break. 

And Eddie keeps coming back, because he’s grown to appreciate Steve and Robin’s idle banter in between customers—though his official reason is to mooch off the mall’s AC. Steve treats him more like a pest than a freak, which is. Refreshing? It’s something, anyway, Eddie thinks. Can’t quite decide if it’s amusing or annoying, so he sticks around to find out. And to check out the royal ass in those little shorts, thank you corporate America. 

Within a few weeks, Eddie has gotten used to planning his campaigns in a cool and only slightly sticky environment on a daily basis and also witnessed Steve interacting with his brood of young teens. (The hands on hips comes out again. Pinching the bridge of his nose with a heavy sigh keeps making repeat appearances. Threats with no actual weight behind them are made. Eddie isn’t quite sure how he feels about Steve reacting to him the same way he does a bratty gaggle of incoming freshmen, but it is also so funny to watch and then needle him about with Robin.) And Steve has started eating ice cream of his own accord. 

“Whatever,” Steve grumbles when rudely confronted by this fact, which happens every other day or so; Eddie and Robin take turns. He adds a third scoop to his cone without even seeming to think about it. “Everybody loves ice cream.”

Gradually, Eddie’s interest in Steve has shifted. He still gives the guy a hard time, all grins and theatrics and toeing the line, but the King—former King, really, since high school, for Steve, is over and Eddie and Robin have both personally witnessed some of his spectacular flops in the flirting department that really drive that fact home—is actually not that bad. A lot of the popular jock swagger is gone, replaced by tolerant exasperation and a sarcastic, delightfully bitchy streak that Eddie just loves to poke at. 

But more than just that, there’s… more of Steve. The ice cream floodgates have opened, and Eddie has definitely noticed the way Steve’s little sailor shorts showcase his imminently grabbable ass better by the day. Every part of Steve is looking a little softer, Eddie can tell through his shirt that he’s getting a little belly, and there is nothing the metalhead wants more than to touch. 

It’s becoming a problem, actually. He watches Steve lick at an ice cream cone every day and, increasingly, the image is burning itself into his brain. Eddie didn’t ask for this, doesn’t necessarily think getting so attached is a good development, for his reputation or his sanity, but that doesn’t stop him from picturing it at night. 

So sue him, Steve is pretty and Eddie is a young gay man with a healthy sex drive and a strong right hand. And it gets a workout aaaaaall summer.

By the end of August, they’re actually kind of friends. Steve is locking up Scoops after a long, grueling solo shift because Robin had called out with a summer cold. Eddie helps, because yeah he’s not an employee but he’s been hanging around long enough to know how to do it all, and Steve… Steve gets a bit winded these days, if he has to do it all by himself. 

It had taken him a while to size up from his first uniform, belly and more than a few stretch marks peeking a little out the bottom before finally giving in and putting in the request. By the time the replacement finally arrived the blue sailor shirt kept riding up by a good fraction of an inch, and Eddie’s cue to realize he was staring again had come every time Steve tried to pull it back down, or hike up his straining shorts in an unsuccessful attempt to split the difference… So, basically, any time Steve wasn’t behind the counter, because it happened constantly. And then he’d be staring again by the time it happened again a few minutes later. Probably would have been less stressful to just keep looking. 

Even with the resized uniform, and the next, Steve kept eating ice cream without any sign of regrets or second thoughts. He was up to three or four cones a shift now, one right after clocking in and the rest timed to just before predictable busy hours so he could ride the sugar high through the turbulent waters of food court customer service. Three scoop minimum, with a constantly revolving selection of toppings and more often than not in one of the big cones that came pre-dipped in chocolate and rainbow sprinkles. 

But always chocolate ice cream, though, same as Eddie always getting his scoop of sherbet in a cup. 

“No accounting for taste,” Eddie sighs as Steve hands him his usual as a thank you for helping and starts scooping himself an all chocolate ice cream banana split. 

“Excuse you, Munson, chocolate is a classic,” Steve retorts, barely glancing up. “It’s chocolate. Everybody’s heard of it. Who’s heard of orange berry sherbet?”

“You literally sell it for a living.”

“Mostly only to you.” Ice cream acquired, Steve turns to the side counter and starts adding whipped cream and various toppings. “I mean, regular orange sherbet was my grandad’s favorite. You, Eddie Munson, have grandpa taste.”

Eddie slaps one hand over his heart, while the other (the one with more rings) clacks dramatically against the display glass. “Excuse you, what about me says grandpa to you? Is it the long, dark hair? My dexterous and nimble musician’s fingers? The very youthful twinkle in my eye?!”

“I literally just told you it’s your taste in ice cream,” Steve replies, with maraschino cherries rounding out his already round cheek and a bitchy roll of his eyes. 

Despite being annoyed, the sight swamps Eddie with a now familiar feeling of wanting to grab Steve by the face and, just. Aggressively make out with him. Taste that sticky red fruit on his tongue. Feel how soft he is, all that extra padding around his middle, how increasingly heavy that belly rests on his thighs throughout the journey from empty to full. 

All of which is crazy, because it’s Steve Harrington, Hawkin High’s golden boy athlete. And yet. 

Since the tables have all been wiped down already, Steve waves for Eddie to follow him into the employees only area. He’s been back there before but tonight he’s surprised to see several tubs of ice cream crowding the break table. “Oh. I thought you tossed the empty tubs out earlier…”

“They’re not empty,” Steve says simply, settling into the nearest chair with a huff like it’s a relief to sit down. Which Eddie can believe, from the way he’s a little bit flushed. And then, then, Steve hooks his thumbs into the waistband of his shorts and tugs them down to let his belly out over the top of them, digs a hand in to dig the bottom of it out. Breathing room. And it’s necessary, is the thing, because there are indented red lines on his skin from where the seams have been pressing. Eddie is staring, and he knows that Steve knows—is pretty sure, suddenly, that Steve wants him to. When his eyes flick up to the other boy’s soft face and the smug little smile there, Steve winks and gives his belly a pat. “I'm empty, though. These should be melted enough for you to pour for me by now. You want to, don’t you?”

“Uh,” Eddie says. Simultaneously, his throat has gone desert-dry and his mouth fills with spit. He has never wanted to bite someone more than he does right now. “Yeah?”

The grin widens cockily, and Steve slouches in his chair a bit, spreading his legs and letting his belly drop between them to put himself even more on display. “I knew it,” he crows, digging a spoon into his banana split to load up the opening salvo. “I knew you were watching me. It’s the shorts, right? They make my ass look great.”

And wow, the sheer amount of ice cream and banana he crams in his mouth belies his own words, hazel eyes flashing as if challenging Eddie not to look at his lips with their sheen of lip gloss and melted ice cream, the way he licks the spoon to make sure he’s gotten every last trace of chocolate and whipped cream. Telegraphing, I know it’s not just the shorts.

Eddie swallows hard and tries not to grind his teeth because, yeah. Urge to bite. “I’m, uh, not going to tell you. Wouldn’t want to inflate your big head any more… Not when your eyes are already that much bigger than your stomach.” He waves vaguely at the tubs on the table. “These are three gallon tubs, man. Even mostly empty, there must be at least a gallon of melted ice cream here, on top of everything you’ve put away today.” 

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Steve scoffs. The second spoonful is already passing his plush lips before Eddie can reply, eyes glued to the way they pucker around the metal as he draws it out slowly, once again clean. There’s a single dribble of chocolate running down his chin, though, reaching and dripping from the suggestion of a second one onto the front of his sailor shirt… the shirt that will have to be sized up again soon, a testament to just how big Steve’s stomach really is.

“Wait,” he sputters, brain catching up to Steve’s words, “wouldn’t be… What?”

So Steve explains that, after Eddie had first goaded him into eating ice cream at work, it had truly hit him for the first time how much ice cream Scoops Ahoy’s company policy had them throwing out at the end of each day. He’d started with just finishing off the scraps of chocolate left at the bottom of a mostly empty tub on one of the maybe once a month occasions he got stuck closing up alone. The next time there hadn’t been any almost-done chocolate slated for the dumpster out back, so instead he’d stirred chocolate sauce into the softening Cookies N Cream until it better suited his taste buds. 

And he’d liked it. The ice cream itself, of course, but also the tight, intense feeling in his stomach that came with being overly full. 

So, since he didn’t close up solo very often, he’d started sneaking a tub or two out to his car when he could get away with it. The contents would always melt before he got home, and since he didn’t have unlimited chocolate sauce on hand there…

“...I’ve ended up expanding my horizons.” Steve winks. “Among other things. There’s something really freeing about getting all sticky on your own kitchen floor, you know?”

Eddie is still standing, holding his cup of sherbet and mouth dropped open while he processes this. Of course he’d known that Steve had to be aware, on some level, of what he was doing to himself… but this is so closely aligned with his own secret fantasies that he can’t help but suspect it’s some sort of trick. An elaborate trap designed to definitively out him as a freak. He narrows his eyes, then stalks forward to further investigate the tubs, trying to ignore the hard-on forming in his jeans. There’s Vanilla Chip, USS Butterscotch, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, Cinnabon Swirl, and something he thinks might be Cherries Jubilee with most of the cherry parts already scooped out. 

“You don’t like any of these flavors,” he accuses, crossing his arms and leveling a stare at Steve, trying really hard to convey more skepticism than lust. “You hate anything but chocolate, even if it’s something else and chocolate. I actively judge you for it on a daily basis.”

Steve shrugs. “Drinking it is different from eating it.”

Which, okay, makes some sense, Eddie supposes, but that makes no sense. Neither does the concept of Steve Harrington chugging ice cream straight from the tub on the floor of his fancy rich boy kitchen, smeared in chocolate like a pig rolled in mud, maybe with his uniform stripped off the second he got home because it was getting too tight, or because he wanted to watch himself expand with each greedy gulp—

Eddie takes a deep breath and gets ahold of himself before he resorts to jamming his hand down his pants and… getting ahold of himself. He just has one more question, and if that checks out then he’s going for it. “How much weight have you gained since you took this job, Steve?”

Steve gives him an exact answer, down to one decimal point and Eddie is already stalking forward, putting his forgotten, melting cup of sherbet down and grabbing the nearest tub.

It pours nice and smooth over Steve’s lips, down his throat, and into a bottomless pit apparently from the way he never signals to pause or slow down. He just keeps gulping it down, moaning when the chocolate from the Vanilla Chip avalanche down from where it was all piled at the bottom into his mouth. When it’s cookie dough pieces that takes him a little longer to get through, and he returns to bites of his banana split between mouthfuls. Streaks of pale cream line his neck, beading in the chest hair just barely peeking out the top of his shirt like he’s begun sweating cream, and while chugging he increasingly often has a free hand rubbing tight circles over his stomach. 

He breaks away from the rim of the last tub with a gasp. The last thick dribbles of USS Butterscotch splatters on his cheek from Eddie’s attempt to shake whatever’s left out. “So full,” he slurs, looking up at Eddie from beneath heavy eyelids. 

And then he pushes past it, ignores whatever signals his stuffed gut is trying to send him, all his attention rerouted into sluggishly cramming the last of the banana split in his mouth. 

Eddie drops the empty tub to the floor and lurches forward to lick sloppily at the other boy's cheek, at his chin, at his neck. A ringed hand brushes over the swollen belly between them, only for Steve to grab on and guide him to press harder, explore his waist and love handles. Then they’re kissing, both of their faces sticky with sugar and dairy, and Steve tastes like the inside of a honey pot, he’s so sweet. 

It’s not just the way he tastes. Steve’s pupils are blown, reactions slow as he kisses back lazily but with a happy hum. Eddie wonders if he would even be able to get up right now, with so much inside him. 

“Can’t believe you,” Eddie marvels, nipping at slick lips. “Can’t believe you like this—” he gets his fingers up Steve’s shirt and drags it up to knead at the padded suggestion of ribs, at softened, hairy pecs that are just as sensitive as Eddie had dreamed, from the whine he gets from just a testing squeeze “—so fucking much, but you do, don’t you sweetheart?” 

He drops his touch down to the straining arch of Steve’s belly and feels the underside of it, lifting a little, testing; even being careful, he jars a string of breathy hiccups loose. “Edd—hic—ieee,” Steve whines, trying to squirm, trying to press into his touch, but can barely manage anything before he has to stop and catch his breath. “‘M so…”

“Is that why you’re such a brat all the time, Steve, because you’re hungry?” Eddie coos. He leans in to kiss him again, then drops to his knees. “All I have to do to make you docile is fill you up. Takes a while, but.” He slaps the plump roll spilling over the side of Steve’s shorts, surprising a burp followed by a groan out of him this time. “Well worth the wait, big boy.”

At which Steve giggles, and mumbles something that sounds like an echo of ‘wait,’ but Eddie’s not sure of the spelling. 

“If you’ll pardon the pun,” he adds dryly, and grins when that gets him another giggle. “Well spotted, Stevie.”

And then, because Eddie figures that he has been admirably patient up to this point, wriggles his way into the blue sailor shorts straining before him for his treat. With Steve’s ragged moans of yes and fuck and Eds ringing in his ears right up until Steve’s thick thighs clamp around his head in the ecstasy of orgasm, and it’s worth it. 

The wet stain seeping through the front of Eddie’s jeans proves it. 

He helps a very dazed, very sated Steve clean up after—though, honestly, Eddie does almost all the work. (Steve slurps down his little cup of melted sherbet no problem though, smiling serenely as Eddie gives his still exposed belly an approving slap.)

“You okay to drive home, man?”

Steve hums, then yawns—giving himself a third chin for a second there. “‘M not sure if I’m good to stand up,” he admits. “‘Sfine, I can sleep here…”

Eddie rolls his eyes and grabs both the other boy’s hands. “Oh no you don’t. If you stay, some security guard is going to find you here looking like a stowaway on the Good Ship Lollipop, and we can’t have that. I’ll give you a ride, come on—up on three. One, two… two and a half…”

Fifteen minutes later he hustles a slow-moving Steve into the back of his van, where the guy can at least lay down and stretch out while his body attempts to digest. And Eddie wonders—is this what he’s become? Spending his entire summer at the mall palling around with the former King of Hawkins High, filling said dude full as a tick exactly once and getting them both off in the process, and then driving him home like a nice boy at the end of a respectable date? 

No one has called Eddie a nice boy since approximately kindergarten, and respectable probably never. But he glances over his shoulder to see his stuffed and sleepy sailor boy cuddled up under the blanket he keeps back there in case of emergencies, knows that beneath it Steve is still spilling out of his shorts because once undone they’d been impossible to zip and button up again, and feels… something at the look of utter contentment on his face. Something that’s been growing in him for a while, if he’s being honest with himself, intertwined with every sardonic comment and light ribbing at Steve’s expense. And Steve always gives as good as he gets—except tonight, when he’d just let Eddie take and take, letting go completely. They could be good together, Eddie thinks; especially since what they each want seems to mesh so well.

Steve has already been wearing the results of this particular brand of hedonism for months now, so maybe he won’t even regret it come morning. 

Maybe if Eddie leaves his number after getting Steve home (probably only as far as the couch, for simplicity’s sake), Steve will call. 

They can hang out somewhere outside of Scoops Ahoy, maybe even call it a date. Maybe Steve will let Eddie feed him sweet nothings under the stars and smile that sweet little smile at him again when he gets full, all happiness and trust. It’s a heady prospect, one that knocks Eddie’s dumb heart for a loop just considering it. 

He ends up parking in the woods just a short walk from Steve’s house and crawling in the back of the van with him. One quick change into an emergency pair of clean boxers (he keeps a lot of stuff back there in case of emergencies, okay?) and he makes himself comfortable as the big spoon to Steve’s invitingly cuddly form. 

And wonders, as he dozes off, what they’ll do for breakfast. 

Permanent tag list: @hotluncheddie

#wg steddie #chubby steve harrington #feedee steve harrington #feeder eddie munson #scoops steve #scoops words #ask #bratty steve harrington is bratty… right up until he’s full and ready to pop

[gaypplshallarise]

Things we left behind

This fluffy with slight tension(?) one shot of shadowpeach first meeting was brought to you by yours truly!

A/N: I've never read JTTW, or know the timeline exactly, so, if you're easily triggered by the inaccuracy to JTTW, stop scrolling! As for you, lovely reader who decided to stick around. I hope you enjoy!

Summary:

So, Sun wukong did the first thing he could think of to the unconscious monkey. Like any intellectual stoned-monkey.

smack!

The king waited for a reaction.

No response.

Okay. Maybe that wasn't the best way to approach the situation.

The sun shone, it lit up the whole forest, lights peaked through the leaves, birds chirping in the distance. A perfect weather to go on a walk. Sun wukong stretched his limbs, he'd spent too much time napping on a tree it seemed.

He hopped down, dusted some twigs off and skipped through the forest, feeling refreshed. Normally he'd prefer to just walk, but today's wind was friendly. So he summoned this trusty cloud and let it guide him, basking in the wind and morning light as he ascended up. The calm breeze felt nice against his golden fur.

The sun has always been a welcoming company, warm light grace his fur, as though intending to scoop him up in a warm, cozy blanket.

Not to mention, the view was breathtaking.

Below him, lay his island. Blessed by the jade emperors, gifted by divine beings themselves. Thick healthy shades of green covered the mountain area. No doubt he'd taken good care of this place. Even looking down from the cloud, the flower fruit mountain radiated life.

Next to the lush green essence, came the shore, sunlight casting down, virtuous sand sparkling, in response to the sun's nifty mood. Glitters of light reflected on the sea, horizon tattered with fishing boats and transportation ships.

Sun wukong could never get tired of seeing such view, no matter how many times he's seen it.

Just then, far corner of his eye, he spotted something on the shoreline.

Upon closer look, it seemed like a... black figure?

Oh. Someone's moving closer to the shore!

Holy shit. Someone was evading his kingdom? It's been so long since someone has ever stepped on this place. After all, who would dare to challenge the great sage equal to heaven?

No matter, he'd just get them out of here real quick. There wasn't a thing a bit of violence can't fix.

Shaking his pride away, he made his way to the target.

--

Now though, with shorter distances, he could make out the figure more. It was a macaque monkey, a knocked out one at that. Much to his disappointment.

He landed and approached the humanoid-monkey figure. Male, tan, with athletic build. gash and bruises scattered throughout the body, some were so prominent it was visible through the wet slacken dark fur. Sparks of salt were widespread amidst his obsidian black fur. Those scars were wide open.

Eh, nothing too severe.

But now, he'd have to figure out what to do.

So, Sun wukong did the first thing he could think of. Like any intellectual monkey.

smack!

The slap was loud and sharp, but not enough to do any real damage.

Wukong waited for a reaction.

No response.

Okay. Maybe that wasn't the best way to approach the situation.

Sun wukong has only seen someone else in a coma a few, never actually had any experience in properly handling the unconscious body.

Thus, the king tried to recall the moments when he snuck in a human village. Limited with only ever witnessed humans taking care of other sickly sleeping humans— There wasn't much he could revoke from the memories.

He checked the simian's heart rate. Inconsistent. Very Low. In fact, it was barely there at all. He was starting to question his actions now if saving the simian was worth anything.

Time was ticking.

On one hand, he could let the simian rot here and die.

"Nah, that would be too cruel." The king pondered.

On the other hand, he could gain more followers, saving him would mean the monkey would be indebted to him. He could use some help tending his garden— and this obscure simian seemed to be the perfect monkey for that. Sure, he has his loyal subject, but they were just regular monkeys— not the brainy ones.

It's settled then, he'll help this monkey.

--

The weight in his arms were heavy, which was nothing, of course. He'd have to be extra careful with the gash though.

The obsidian furred simian was already dried up by the time they arrived at his palace. Now seemed to be a good time to put it to use. He laid the dark furred simian on his bed. Not really sure where to go with this, he'd just have to think of something along the way.

Sun wukong retrieved his recollections of something related to taking care of sick humans, given he never knew how to, he supposed it would be the same for monkeys.

When someone's hurt they have to rest. But the guy is resting, for heaven's sake!

--

Finally he opted to take a wooden bowl nearby, very convenient, other hand plucked his fur out and blew on it.

The fur glowed a golden gleam before stretched and twisted, as if morphing itself into liquid. The matter became clear by the end of the process. It fell down the bowl with an oddly satisfying plop. Water done, he continued to do the same process to another group of fur, this time creating a piece of white cloth.

He began to shush the wet fabric around the other simian's body, upon closer inspection, the monkey had an odd looking six ears. Feathered red markings across the eyes, those were not scars though, it seemed to be the same part of the dark furred simian's face— Similar to the hearted peach-coloured marking on his own face.

The dark furred monkey stirred, snapping the king out of his thoughts. His gold eyes flickered to meet wukong's.

The king's thoughts were cut short as he found himself flipped, and pinned down. Sharp talons on his throat. The movement was so abrupt that it took him by surprise. His stomach were suppressed by the other party's knee. Which, admittedly, hurt. Both wrists bind by the tight grip above his head. Creating an awkward angle.

Moreover, Wukong was impressed that the dark furred simian was this strong. But also concerned about the fact that the other monkey's first instinct was to take him by his throat.

There was no doubt that wukong was stronger, but he also couldn't deny that the other party was impressively strong, despite having just woken up in a weakened state. Something in him ticked, but also excited.

Barely contained euphoria danced around the king's tail, forasmuch of the prospect of such a strong opponent.

He looked up, the other simian's golden eyes bored in fury towards him.

"Where am I" The dark furred simian hissed.

The grip on his wrists tightened, pair of golden eyes inched closer, zeroed on him intensely, warm breaths ghosted over his face.

Wukong suppressed a shudder as he replied, "O? I helped you. And this is how I'm treated?"

They stared at each other, unmoving. Sun wukong was the first to snap out of their deliberate state, "well?" He questioned.

No response, the other simian stared at him, unblinking. It was a little unnerving how still he was.

Gradually, the pressure on him slackened.

Figure above him pushed himself up, ready to make an escape. As soon as he did though, he tumbled down the wooden floor. The great sage bit back a laugh, whilst helping the dark furred monkey up.

Untrustful thoughts adorned the other's face, "No problem by the way" came the great sage remark. The other merely scoffed as he tried to pry the helping hand away. Wow. How unresentful.

He resisted the urge to slap the monkey in the face again.

"I was tryna help you man." Wukong complained.

"I'm fine."

Fine? He's talking nonsense at this point. This obscure monkey couldn't even walk without falling! and he's saying he's fine?

"you couldn't even walk without falling! and you say you're fine? Oh don't bother" Thoughts turned into words. He let his emotions mirrored the other simian's displeased face.

The dark furred monkey finally relented as he let his displeasure known. Wukong helped the dark furred simian get in bed again.

"Not even a 'thank you'?"

The other simian paid no heed. Instead, The king was met with a questioning look, golden eyes settled at a piece of wet cloth on the bed, probably being dropped at some point when he was pinned down. Wukong flushed at the mere memory of being tacked down so suddenly.

"What are you doing with it?" The obsidian furred raised a single brow, thus snapping the out of his inner-self rumination.

"Helping you duh. Y'know the cold compress thingy"

"Are you stupid or what?"

Sun wukong frowned, irritated, his tail dropped.

"That is for someone with a fever or swollen wounds. I have neither of those"

The king's face burned in humiliation, tail lashed uncontrollably.

"O-Oh yeah. I already knew that. Just wanted to do that. Haha— better safe than sorry" He was sweating profusely at this point. Damn to his short lived memory.

"anyways— I'll go get s'more herbs n' stuff"  He plummeted, voice weaving. The dark furred simian didn't have time to ponder much as Wukong raced through the door.

Even without looking back, the sense of eyes bored through his skull were so intense Sun wukong almost wished someone would just trap him under a mountain for 500 years.

He went to a far corner of the palace, recollecting everything that happened in a span of twenty minutes.

First thing first, he found a close-to-death monkey. Then he helped the simian out. Third, the dark furred pinned him by surprise, not to mention naked—

Oh heavens. That was so awkward.

__

By the time he came back, dark fur noticeably sank back into the cover. Granted, he looked more pleasant, unlike the previous bastard he was. He couldn't help but stare, drinking the sight in.

Sun wukong tried not to think about the fact that the other was naked too much. Instead, focusing on the closed eyelids, the calm rise and fall of his chest, as if the simian wasn't in pain right now.

From the light seeped from square shaped window, those obsidian furred seemed to suck in the light, imprisoned them without an escape.

The more he looked, the more he thought about how alike the obsidian fur was to shadows drinking in the lights like that.

The more he looked, the more he thought how those obsidian fur appeared messy, yet looked so soft.

The more he looked, the more intrigued he was.

Without thinking, he reached out to feel the fur against his palm.

"I advise you not to."

He retracted his hand. Oh shit— what was he thinking? reaching out like that? "I wasn't gonna do anything." He denied, although voice weaving.

"bullshit"

"You don't even look— how would you know that"

"...."

"See? I—"

"I heard you"

______

Ever since he's conscious, his senses heightened by ten folds. From the combination of monkeys and birds and variations of wildlife, Macaque couldn't extinguish the sound anymore, hustle of bushes and trees, flows of water in the distant and yet they seemed so close in his very mind.

The strongest sound of them all, a rhythm of heartbeat. Constant and strong to the six eared macaque's exposed sensitive flesh. Deepened his headache even more. He momentarily bit back a groan, instead, trying to turn it into his advantage, he willed himself to focus on the troubling sound alone.

Adjusting a while, the strong pulse drowned other sounds into white noises. Better.

Now without noises that intended to flood him, he then realized that he was laying in bed. Soft, silky linen beneath him. It has been a while since he'd had something this fancy. Macaque's eye lids felt too heavy, he couldn't will himself to open them.

A shuffling sound inched closer— With all his might, he ignored the throbbing pain all over his body and tackled the owner of the other heartbeat.

Golden figure became clear. Beneath him, shown another pair of golden eyes, surrounded by peach coloured markings. Their pulses quickened, his vision blurred. Chill wind met his scars. The feeling of pungent spread all over him. Macaque hated how exposed his body felt.

Rush of pain nearly made him wince. But once again, he forced them back.

Golden furred simian was warm. It exceeded throughout him, creating a buzz of unknown feeling in him. His gut coiled. His already fast pulse elevated. Sounds of their heartbeat alone were unbearably vociferous.

They stayed like that for a moment, the other's heartbeat never relented.

Macaque deepened crease on his brows, golden furred simian beneath him reeked of adrenaline.

"Where am I?" macaque inquired, although it came out more like he was threatening. His very own voice sounded hoarse to each set of ears.

Irritation flarred through him as the other simian stared at him with unreadable expression. Albeit inefficient, macaque formed numerous escape plans. You could never be too trustful of a stranger's intention.

--

The event ended with him trying to escape unsuccessfully.

Of course it would. How could macaque be so naive to even let himself believe it for a moment.

Where else would he be then? He could barely walk, Macaque blamed the myasthenia gravis, and had a massive headache. Wind has been acting up again, he shivered, tail shook and squeezed him tight.

Macaque found himself missing the warmth of a certain golden simian.

Sore limbs urging at him to give in to the warmth of silky texture under him. So he did. He gave up on escaping. His master would've found him in such pathetic state. Oddly enough, macaque couldn't bring himself to care.

So, the shade sank back, as if trying to feel the welcoming warmth the golden simian gave off not long ago. To have this kind of luxury. Moreover, he couldn't comprehend why someone that wealthy would help him.

With an aching body, his mind drifted into oblivion.

--

Pulsation flared anxiously, a pure mimic of chaos brought his senses back.

He heard the other lift a hand, for whatever reason he could not grapse, but there was no malice behind the action. But then why?

The shuffle sound's moving closer, almost like—

"I advise you not to."

An empty threat. He knew he couldn't lay a hand on the other even if he wanted. Hum of powerful magic was an indication of that.

A shufting sound drew backward. The other's heartbeat sped up again.

"I wasn't gonna do anything!"

How shameless. The golden furred was clearly trying to touch him. "bullshit" Macaque retorted.

"You don't even look— how would you know that!"

Of course he'd known. How the owner of the chaotic rhythm's breath struck his throat, momentarily forgot how to breathe.

Pumping of an anxious rhythm, threatening to over take all his hearing capacity.

The other simian rambled on about something he couldn't make out. Macaque, instead he chose to reply to the previous question.

"I heard you. You move too loud, it's like a fuckin earthquake in here."

He hoped that it wouldn't give away too much of his hearing ability.

The other made a grunted noise.

The smile threatened to overcome his face. Closing his eyes, the shade allowed himself to show the satisfaction.

"Ahem so anyway— How are you feeling?"

"Shitty" He groaned.

"Then rest!"

"Then leave me alone!"

"What— this is my room! Leave here by yourself"

He scrunched up his nose.

"Then I'm leaving" Realising his mistake, he tumbled down the bed. Fallen to his knee. Heat of humiliation crept up his face. Limbs felt jelly upon trying to move them, He couldn't even muster the strength to properly get up.

Pathetic.

It was like a deja Vu, golden furred simian helping him up again. But this time, he chose to not hissed or pushed the other away.

A 'thank you' wasn't necessary, but showing a little gratitude wouldn't hurt anyone, and this wasn't the time to held up his pride. If he was going eat a poisonous food, might as well did lick every inch of the plate. In addition, getting on the other simian's good side would only benefit him.

"...Thank you, errr—"

"Sun Wukong, King of the Flower fruit Mountain. Also known as great sage equal to heaven. Call me by whatever you want"

"....."

The other golden furred simian— Sun wukong grinned smugly, giving him an expectant look.

"Right.. Thank you, Sun wukong."

The king's face brighten, his whole posture seemed a lot more alight, tail swaying rapidly, resembling an excited puppy— or to be more precise, a monkey. Macaque almost snickered at the accuracy.

Wukong's shenanigans weren't done though. Golden fur ball continued on with his nonsense.

"What's your name?"

"I'm six-eared Macaque."

"That's a very accurate name."

The stupid grin adorned Sun wukong's face was impossibly wider. It was annoying.

So, so, annoying. Does this monkey think he's cute doing that?!

"What else can i help you?"

'What's the point with this?'

"What do you mean by that?" His face fell, the king sent a disappointed look.

Has he really wondered it aloud? Curse him.

"You. Helping me. Why?"

The king did not falter under his stare, he went silent for a moment, as if trying to conjure up the best answer.

"I just wanted someone to tend my Garden."

The shade quirked a single brow. Sun Wukong's posture shifted slightly, seemingly more reserved.

"Bahh, That's not really the true reason— but honestly that was the first thing i thought when i met you."

Since when, he did not know, Sun wukong has already seated himself on a chair. The shade wasn't entirely sure what his impression gave off. Macaque guessed that his silence was taken as a permission to continue. "But seriously, I think it's just.. I'm so lonely, y'know what I mean?"

He searched the simian's face. It gave off nothing but sheer honesty. The six-eared macaque then focused on the pulsation. Stable. No trace of lies.

"..I feel like that too"

Before he knew it, he'd already admitted that. Suddenly feeling like a prisoner confessing his crimes.

There was something about Sun wukong. Something that made him feel warm, and weird, and lighter— fuzzy feelings, blinding him, as though to forcing him to spill all his past, his secrets and insecurities.

He swallowed them down like a bile.

He would not tolerate any more reckless behavior.

A warm hand met his. Macaque never noticed that his fists were clenched. The king fixated his gaze on the shade. His body was radiating warmth, much like the name "Sun wukong"

The great sage rubbed their hands reassuringly. Macaque, unwillingly, relaxed himself against the contact.

The shade mentally cursed for letting himself get so heavily influenced under the king's gentle hold.

"But enough of those depressing shit. How can I help you?"

"How about leaving me alone?"

"After I poured my heart out like that? Nuh-uh!"

The mood changing was so abrupt. But he was glad to finally deal with something lighter.

They bantered for a while, as though they've known each other for ages. The ability to exchange snarky remarks and occasional jab was something he admired about Sun wukong.

After a while, he was exhausted with all the energy used, despite having only spoken and laughed. The great sage seemed to notice. Soon, without the other's initiating, their conversation died down.

"You sure don't need other thing?"

"God. You're impossible! Fine, Just give me something to eat. Whatever."

Sun wukong happily skipped away, humming an unfamiliar tune.

"How about some peaches?"

His ears perked up, and Macaque merely nodded.

#first meeting #fluff #tension #oneshot #lmk #lego monkie kid #lmk macaque #macaque #lmk wukong #monkie kid sun wukong #monkie kid macaque #lmk fanfiction #fanfiction #shadowpeach #gay men #gay monkeys #holy shit that that exist #thats a lot of tags #no beta we die like Macaque

[grailfinders]

Grailfinders #331: Taigong Wang

today on Grailfinders we’re making Jiang Ziya, a.k.a. Jiang Shang, a.k.a. Lu Shang, a.k.a. Master Shangfu, a.k.a. Taikoubou, a.k.a. Taigong Wang. almost as numerous as his aliases are his accomplishments, such as ousting the daji from China, defeating the shang dynasty, and even creating quite a few gods through the power of being a really cool dude.

thankfully his build is slightly less complicated than his biography- he’s a Beast Master Ranger for a shape-shifting mount, and a Drunken Master Monk to blend strategy with a god-slashing whip- and also that cool “step on their head” attack.

check out his build breakdown below the cut, or his character sheet over here!

next up: it’s like someone stuck Artoria and Siegfried in a conceptual blender

Ancestry & Background

Taigong Wang is a Human, giving him +1 Dexterity and Wisdom, as well as proficiency in Acrobatics. you also get a feat of your choice here, but we’ll talk about that after we go over his background.

we’ve done plenty of tacticians before, but most of those guys weren’t running around with secrets from ancient mage societies, so we’re calling Shangfu a Mage of High Sorcery here, in part because of his investiture and secret magics, and in part because we need this background for a later feat. this gives you proficiency in Arcana and History, as well as the Initiate of High Sorcery feat- we’re grabbing the Lunitari version of the feat for Feather Fall and Longstrider- yes you’re a monk and that makes these spells mostly useless, but you don’t start as one, and multiclassing makes your speed and falling a little weaker than a full monk. you also get the True Strike cantrip to be all tactical and gain advantage on your next melee attack, but after six seconds of thinking you’ll realize the real tactical move was just to attack twice.

that being said it’s called the investiture of the gods for a reason, so we need to get a little godly. coming back around to your human feat, you’re also a Scion of the Outer Planes, specifically the good ones. this gives you resistance to radiant damage (making you an even better pick to fight gods), and you can cast Sacred Flame at will. I don’t think fire is part of your kit, but you’re practically a caster anyway, it’s fine.

Ability Scores

your Wisdom needs to be number 1, that’s how you know clever tactics like “don’t fuck up your government” and “don’t hire people who are bad at their job for your army”. I know it’s easy to clown on that now, but somebody had to figure it out the first time, right? second is Intelligence- if we didn’t need monk stuff and a horse you’d probably be a wizard, but you’re still smart regardless. your Dexterity is also pretty high because you don’t wear armor and use a whip. both of those make me question the “genius tactician” thing a bit, but they clearly work for you. this does mean your Constitution isn’t particularly high, but you don’t need HP if you don’t get hit. your Strength is neutral since we just don’t need it for the build, and we’re dumping Charisma. you’re so untrustworthy Fou gets merlin vibes from you. yikes.

Class Levels

1. Ranger 1: sadly, we need ranger levels first and foremost both to get your whip proficiency and so your background makes sense, but on the plus side at least you can have celestials as your Favored Enemy, giving you advantage to track them down and recall information about them. you put a lot of gods in heaven to begin with, it would be awkward if you forgot their names after all that.

you’re also a Deft Explorer, but before I go into that- you’re proficient with Strength and Dexterity saves, as well as Athletics, Perception, and Insight. the reason I bring this up is because the first part of deft explorer makes you Canny in one skill, such as Insight, doubling your proficiency bonus with it.

2. Ranger 2: second level rangers get a fighting style, and obviously we’re grabbing Duelist for a +2 bonus to one-handed attacks. whips are bad, but now it’s better. slightly.

also, you learn Spells that you cast using your wisdom, like Ensnaring Strike for a sick whip trick, forcing the next person you whip to make a strength save or become restrained for up to a minute. while trapped, they also take damage from the whip digging into them! if you’re worried about wasting damage on a long-term spell like that, you can instead use Hunter’s Mark, adding damage to your whip for up to an hour, plus you have advantage to track the target down if they flee. you also get a chance to move the spell over to another target after the current one dies, so it’s pretty economical!

3. Monk 1: okay, we’ve got the basics of whipping down, let’s get the rest of your fighting style. as a monk you gain Unarmored Defense, adding your wisdom score to your AC as long as you’re not wearing armor or a shield. I don’t care how sick the drip is, it’s not armor.

you also learn some Martial Arts, so now your whole body is a deadly weapon. you can use your dexterity instead of strength to attack with monk weapons or your fists, and if you use your action to attack with the aforementioned weapons you can make an unarmed strike as a bonus action. on top of that, your monk weapons and fists also do a minimum of a d4 of damage, and that amount will only go up as you level up. your whip isn’t a monk weapon yet, but give it a second- besides, it doesn’t gain much from martial arts at the moment anyway.

4. Monk 2: now that the second is up, second level monks can make their whip a Dedicated Weapon, so you can call it a monk weapon all you want after an hour of prep work. you also get Unarmored Movement, so you’re faster than everyone, and your Ki makes you even faster by letting you dash as a bonus action by spending some. you can also spend it to attack twice, dodge, or disengage as a bonus action, and your ki pool recharges every short rest.

5. Monk 3: at third level, this game finally becomes a party as you become a Drunken Master- you don’t actually have to be drunk for this, but you do have to act like it. that’s why you have proficiency with Performance and brewer’s supplies so you can pick for yourself.

that being said, beer doesn’t win every fight, so you get actual features too- your Drunken Technique means that every time you use a flurry of blows (the two attacks as a bonus action from last level) you also disengage, and your movement speed increases by 10’ to boot. maneuvering is always a big part of tactics, so anything that makes it easier for you to get where you want to go is just good strategy.

you can also Deflect Missiles now, reducing damage from incoming archers and even throwing the arrow back if you nullify the damage and spend ki.

6. Monk 4: fourth level monks get their first Ability Score Increase, so increase that Dexterity for better dodging and more accurate attacks. you can also Slow Fall now for reduced fall damage, so fighting Nikitich isn’t quite as bad an idea as before.

7. Monk 5: fifth level is huge for monks, if you’re the kind of person to like hitting things. your martial arts improve to deal d6s, you get an Extra Attack each action, and you can turn any attack into a Stunning Strike- force a constitution save on someone, or they get stunned for a round, giving advantage to everyone trying to hit them and keeping them from retaliating. “don’t get hit” is also pretty sage advice. of course, all this still requires you to hit someone- thankfully you can use Focused Aim by spending ki to add to your attack rolls. it’s a huge ki sink, but sometimes defeating an enemy now is more important than saving materials for later. I know, strategy, in the strategist build, wild right?

8. Monk 6: sixth level monks get Ki-Empowered Strikes, so now your unarmed attacks are magical and can overcome resistances to bludgeoning damage. it’s a shame this doesn’t apply to your whip as well, but I feel like any kind of god-chastising whip is more of a quest item than something you should just have. don’t worry though, by the end of this build your whip will be strong enough to chastise a lot of things, even if it isn’t a legendary weapon.

that being said, your Tipsy Sway is a pretty cool consolation prize- you can leap to your feet from prone for just 5’ of movement, and you can spend a ki point to redirect attacks that miss you into hitting another creature. I’m pretty sure that’s more Sun Tzu than Taigong, but the smartest people know when someone else had a good idea.

9. Monk 7: seventh level monks get Evasion, improving the damage reduction from dexterity saves. now you’re practically immune to fireballs, so fighting Nikitich is almost starting to look like a good idea!

you also have a Stillness of the Mind that lets you shut down any effects that are charming or frightening you. you don’t have a choleric temper, so enemies will not be irritating you much. wait, no, that’s still Sun Tzu, sorry.

10. Monk 8: I think we’re about at the point where you hit your third ascension, but before then we’re getting another ASI and making you an Adept of the Red Robes. first, this gives you access to a second level spell that you can cast for free once a day. for this build we’re grabbing Dragon’s Breath for your mount later, but if you want to help Guda and company when you first meet up you could grab Levitate instead. right now you can only cast it via this feat, but you can use second level spell slots to cast it like a normal spell once we get those.

thankfully, that’s not the only thing this feat does. you can also restore magical balance whenever you make an attack or check, turning your roll into a roll of ten, up to proficiency times per day. your strategy might not always work, but at least it will never fail.

11. Ranger 3: I think we’re doing good on the whip, but we’re not quite godly enough yet. heading back to ranger at least lets you hunt them down easier with Primeval Awareness- you can spend a spell slot to detect celestials within a mile of you, as well as various other kinds of extraplanar monsters. that means it should work pretty well against Koyanskaya too- or at least it would if she hadn’t surrounded herself with all other sorts of monsters.

you’re also a Beast Master now, which means you can summon a shape-shifting Primal Companion to pal around with. none of them can technically be ridden, but tbf you don’t look super comfortable on that tapir anyway. you and your companion both move on your turn, but the only way to make your animal do anything but dodge requires you to spend your bonus action telling it what to do. or for you to get knocked out. nobody said good strategies are easy to pull off.

you can spend spell slots to resummon a dead companion, or wait until you finish a long rest to summon one for free.

on top of that, you get another spell- since we’re not getting true flight, I hope grabbing Zephyr Strike will make up for that somewhat. for a minute you get free disengaging, and you can end the spell early to get advantage on a weapon attack and deal extra damage if it hits. on top of that, your walking speed increases by 30’ that round, letting you blast yourself a truly silly amount of distance.

12. Ranger 4: fourth level rangers get another ASI, and it’s finally time for you to become a Righteous Heritor. that increases your Dexterity score by one, and you can protect your allies by spending your reaction to reduce any incoming damage for them, up to proficiency times a day.

I’m not actually expecting anyone playing this build to have to come up with clever strategies all the time; having a couple “whoops we fucked up” buttons that undo damage is just as good.

13. Ranger 5: fifth level would be a dead level for you, but thankfully rangers get second level spells! it’s still not flying, but Gust of Wind can knock people around with air, so it’s the closest we’re getting. (plus if you gust someone off a cliff they’re technically flying… downward… for a short period of time…)

14. Ranger 6: sixth level rangers get another favored enemy, and if Daji isn’t a celestial she’s probably an Aberration. you don’t get any new additions to the feature, but it works on twice as many monsters. what is new this time around is your new Deft Explorer feature, Roving. you get a small boost in movement speed, and you have a climbing and swimming speed now. have you seen Chinese mountains? honestly it would probably be easier to just run straight up them.

15. Monk 9: ninth level monks can run straight up them thanks to your Unarmored Movement Improvement- as long as your turn ends on solid, flat ground, you can run over water or up walls. you might think this makes the last level of ranger useless, but having a climbing speed should make it easier to latch onto the cliff face in-between turns so you don’t just fall all the way back down. clever thinking like that’s why you’re a strategist.

16. Monk 10: tenth level monks have a Purity of Body that makes you immune to disease or poison. as far as I’m aware, Taigong Wang never got sick or poisoned in the Investiture of the Gods, and that book’s 100 chapters long. this is mostly because I never read the thing, but still.

17. Monk 11: eleventh level monks get d8s for their martial arts, but more importantly you have a Drunkard’s Luck- or possibly a drunkard’s strategy. whenever you’d have to make an attack, save, or check at disadvantage, you can spend two ki points to cancel it. this also works on rolls where your advantage and disadvantage cancel each other out, which is extra fun. combine this with your magical balance, and now your plans should never fail.

18. Monk 12: we had to spend so many ASIs on feats that one of our stats is still odd, so this last one will be no different. the Slasher feat will even out your Dexterity, but it also reduces a targets speed when they take slashing damage from your whip, and critical hits force disadvantage on that creatures attack rolls for a turn. crits are luck-based, but luck is just strategy you’re too humble to claim ownership of.

19. Monk 13: our penultimate level gives you a Tongue of the Sun and Moon, letting you speak and understand all languages. if you get a couple hundred gods into heaven, you can skip your duolingo practice, those are the rules.

20. Monk 14: the real reason we stuck with monk for so long, our final level gives you a Diamond Soul, granting you proficiency on all saving throws, and even if you fail one, you can spend a ki point to reroll it. having to maintain concentration on hunter’s mark is the worst part of being a ranger, and now that shackle is lifted. go forth, and slap things with slightly more damage than usual.

Pros & Cons

Pros:

Hunter’s Mark is always a fantastic spell to have on a monk due to how many attacks you get each turn. monks already do decent damage, and when you have your mark up you can put some serious pain on people. being able to almost constantly have the thing active since you’ll never drop concentration is also a nice bonus of the build.

speaking of, you almost never fail at anything. you can give yourself advantage, ignore disadvantage, and even fudge your roll a couple times a day. some call it luck, but if it came from a build you chose to use, that’s strategy. and Taigong Wang is a damn good strategist.

whip monks are also great, it’s a shame the last one we built was like, Cursed Arm. you’re already ridiculously fast, and by using a reach weapon you can attack enemies and bolt without needing to disengage, then run out of their reach so they can’t even attempt to retaliate. it’s not quite flight, but it’s up there in terms of good strategy.

Cons:

you can do a lot, but most of that a lot lands in your bonus action, forcing you to choose between most monk abilities. ranger spells, or actually using your beast. variety tends to be a better build goal than just doing one thing well, but it will mean you have to actually think about what you want to do and when.

we also grab a lot of feats, so your overall stat total is lower than most people’s. it’s not a huge issue, but it does mean you’re squishier than I’d like and your spells aren’t powerful.

Beast Master. just. beast master. literally any other ranger subclass would have been a more useful pick, but we needed a shapeshifting buddy. you can’t even ride on him- at least, not comfortably. your tapir will almost certainly die in one round if you take it into a fight, and even trying to use it in combat blocks you from using a ton of your monk abilities.

#fgo #fate grand order #D&D 5e #DND #Taigong Wang

[my-moo-moo]

more to grow (chapter 2/4)

When her due date had gone and passed without progression, she started to get a little worried. It wasn’t that she was impatient to get them out. She loved every inch of her belly even despite the aching pain of her spine and ankles. She was dreading losing this voluminous body of hers for sure. She was, however, afraid that she might really be pushing out two 11 pound babies out of her vagina if she was going to grow them any longer. She didn’t want a c-section because she was deathly afraid of going under knives. Both her boyfriend and her doctor were on the same page about that note. 

That was why she cornered her boyfriend the night before she turned 42 weeks pregnant. “Fuck me like you mean it,” she threatened, crossing her hands over her chest.  

“Baby… haven’t I been doing that all this time?”

“It clearly wasn’t good enough,” she huffed, waving over the ever present mass hidden poorly under her silk robes. The floral fabric curtained both sides of her protruding bump like it was the grand present on a Christmas morning. “You’ll fuck me into I go into labour. No exceptions.”

“You’ll regret saying that,” he growled, ripping her robes off her shoulders. The silk fell to the floor, revealing the brand set of red lace lingerie she bought for her new double D breasts. It had taken one week to arrive and by the time tried it on today her breasts were already spilling over the cups. He practically drooled at the sight, exactly like she had planned. 

He swept her off her feet into his arms with ease like she hadn’t gained 90 pounds. He carried her to their bedroom and plopped her down on their mattress, pushing her face down so her ass perked up into the air. 

His large calloused palm spanked the flesh poking out from the criss crossing harnesses of her garter. It jiggled like a soufflé pancake and she almost teared out for pure pride. She grew that all by herself. People paid big money for BBLs to get a butt like hers, but her’s is all natural. He moved her thong to the side and plunged his large member down to the hilt without warning. 

Her back arched in response to the shock. “Yes, that’s it.”

Balls slapped against her juicy ass and heavy belly against her thighs. Her babies were squirming and jostling inside at the disruption to their home. She felt a sharp kick to her diaphragm causing her to gasp out loud. She couldn’t complain, because that meant they were head down. She hoped they were getting into position to get out. 

Her boyfriend continued to slam his large dick deeper and deeper into her vagina at a relentless pace. Pain mixed with pleasure and her mind floated away to the heavens. Her entire lower half felt like it was on fire. She couldn’t even tell where the sharp pain originated from until she realized her pussy was pulsing against nothingness. She whined at the loss of contact. She was so close to reaching her peak. 

Axel had pulled out and said, “Mina darling. I think your water broke.”

She lifted her woozy head around to see a darkened spot in the sheets. They finally did it. 

.

He was already messaging her doctor. And within seconds he was carrying her to the car. “Doctor Jones said we need to get to the hospital immediately. There can be many complications with twin deliveries.”

Now that she wasn’t high from pleasure, she could feel the contractions’ real strength coursing through her abdomen. Her contractions were only minutes apart. Without checking down there, she had a feeling she was dialating very quickly. By the time they got to the hospital, she felt one of her babies’ heads heavy right against her cervix as she waddled to the front desk.

With how ripe she looked, she was able to bypass the waiting room. The moment the nurses saw her, they wheeled her into an examination room, separating her from her poor confused boyfriend. That wasn’t the biggest concern on her mind though. All she wanted was to get her babies out, but there seemed to be a delay in getting her to her delivery suite. The medical professionals around her kept talking and talking. All the while, her belly kept twisting and squeezing with increasing force. They told her not to push yet, and she obeyed despite the terribly instinctual urge to do so. However, she couldn’t help that the baby itself was pushing at her cervix against her will. 

Finally, her primary physician, Doctor Jones entered her room and she was wheeled to another room that she recognized for ultrasounds. “We need to have a quick ultrasound to check the positioning of your babies before we proceed,” she explained.

Mina grinded her teeth and nodded. She wasn’t one to object against authority figures who probably knew better. Time dragged on as she swiped the ultrasound wand across and back around her belly. It felt like she was taking her dandy time while she was wincing at each increasingly intense wave of contractions. She understood that the surface area was quite large, but it shouldn’t be taking that long! Her baby wasn’t going to wait for anyone.

Doctor Jones looked solemn yet perplexed watching the screen. She pursed her lips before announcing, “Hold on. I need to consult my colleagues on a matter. 

“No!” she screamed. “Don’t leave me. The baby— I feel them— they’re coming!”

“Do not push, Mina,” the doctor commanded. She turned to the nurses and said, “Hold her legs shut.”

She groaned loudly as the nurses forced her legs closed, completely against what Mother Nature was telling her to do. The large baby head now felt even more cramped up against her constricted walls. The only thing she could do was grip the bed railings tight and watch her belly physically constrict into a tight cone shape and relax rhythmically. Her moans dragged out with each pain-wracking contraction. 

.

Mina doesn’t know how long it has been, but every second dragged forever. Her bound legs were not completely stopping the baby from descending. The baby is so low now. It felt like her hips were being torn apart. Every fibre of her body was telling her to push and it was getting harder to ignore it. Release from the pressure would feel so good. Finally cracking from the insurmountable pain, she flailed her arms about trying to push the nurses away. “Ennngh. I need— I need to. So much pain.”

At this moment, Doctor Jones strided back over her bedside to pin her back down to the bed. “I said stop!” Mina’s arms scrambled against her, but she was too weak to fight back.  

“Nurses, hold the patient down,” she ordered and two nurses moved their hands to hold her down by the shoulders against the bed. 

The doctor spread her legs apart and the baby’s head practically slipped down her canal. Mina audibly moans, feeling the sweet relief of pressure at last. Without even pushing, her baby’s head was already halfway out her puffy lips. Their eyes were peeking back at the doctor. “Congratulations Ms. Park. Your baby is beautiful. They’re big, strong, and healthy… but you won’t be meeting them today.”

“What??” she asked aghast. Her answer came when she felt the head being forced back into her vagina. Doctor Jones had her palm on her baby’s head and was pushing them back into her. “What the hell are you doing?” she shrieked wildly. 

“Ms. Park. Please trust me as a trained doctor. This is the only option.” Mina screamed like she never had before. If crowning was painful, the feeling of her baby’s large head squeezing back through her narrow birth canal was many times worse. “If you relax a little, this process would be less painful,” the doctor tsked. 

Another wave of contractions swept through, her womb squeezing to push the baby out the direction it was meant to. Doctor Jones furrowed her brows and put more pressure on her end. Mina felt her baby thrashing wildly within her, caught between this tug of war. Pressure, she felt pressure from so many angles. She screamed bloody murder as her entire lower half of her body was on fire. 

With her limbs restrained, she could only lay in horror as the doctor’s fist slowly disappeared into her vagina. Doctor Jones leans her entire body weight into it and finally, the head popped back into her womb. Her thoroughly abused cervix continued to throb in the wake of events. 

Her belly felt full and taut again. Yet the doctor continued pushing until the baby was deep in the far back of her uterus. The baby gave a strong protesting kick to her diaphragm that knocked the breath out of her. She then stuck both of her hands in there to perfect the positioning before pulling away. 

Mina was at a loss of words after all the screaming. Screaming would not even come close to conveying the agony she went through. She could only lay panting and feel the aftermath of every single violation that was done to her— no pain medication at all. The doctor washed her hands that were sticky with all the membranes and fluid that expelled from her. Another nurse entered the room with a cart of supplies and IV drips. 

“We have to make sure you don’t go into premature labour again.” 

Premature? Mina would’ve scoffed if she had the energy. Her babies were two weeks overdue and were likely at least 10 pounds each. 

The nurses worked together to attach her with a multitude of tubes while the doctor returned her attention to her swollen lips down south. She couldn’t see what was happening past the mountain of belly obscuring her sight. All she felt was piercing stabs deep in her canal before she passed out from the craziness that happened to her that night. 

#birth kink #labour kink #pregnancy kink #pregnancy fic #birth denial #multiples #my fic

[corajjk]

let me in

genre. angst.

summary. jungkook is in denial. he knows you’re gone but he still hopes he’ll see you. even if it is in the eyes of another woman. even if it is against his own will. 

warnings. mentions of nausea and death. use of cuss words. suicidal thoughts.

note. wtf did i just write? please let me know if i should write a part two. 

The boy cried as his life was stripped away. 

A lit candle in the middle of the woods, then a moment of silence passed and the flame was put out. The quiet of the night pulled the boy into a deep slumber. Death frowned upon him and with one cold whisper, it was gone. But the boy remained in the middle of the woods.

“Jungkook.”

The whisper of his name awoke him. 

Nightmares had devoured his soul. As soon as he closed his eyes, he’d see the same vision of the dead boy in the woods. The same eyes welcomed him with despair and a cry for help. But he could only ever witness the tragedy. Never could he save him.

“Thank the heavens you’re ok!”

His vision was blurry, but he could still see the face of the woman standing near his bed. The realization that it wasn’t you dawned on him. If he closed his eyes, would he see you instead of her?

“Jungkook our parents are waiting for us outside. They have everything ready. We just need to sign the papers.”

The minute he awoke, he felt uneasy. He knew that instant that he was sick. The pain in his stomach distracted him from the voice of the woman. He quickly sat up and looked down at the floor. But when she spoke those words, he couldn’t hold himself any longer.

The urge was much stronger than him. Before he could run off to the bathroom, he threw up on the floor. The hot liquid burned his mouth and he couldn’t breathe. When he knew it was over, he ran off to the bathroom like his life depended on it.

He heard her scream his name.

The events of yesterday replayed in his head. His parents were making arrangements for a marriage he never consented to. All of it was planned so he could move on from you.

But he swore he’d never leave you.

Once he was inside the bathroom, he rushed over to the sink and washed his mouth. Even looking at himself made him sick so he avoided staring at the mirror in front of him. He was busy cleaning himself, but he still felt his throat burning like he was bleeding from a deep painful cut.

He heard voices and footsteps coming near the door. 

“Is he ok?”

“No, I think he’s sick again.”

“Maybe it’s not a good idea, we should let him be.”

“No! This boy needs to forget about her.”

“You really think he’ll forget if he marries?”

They whispered to each other, clearly thinking he wouldn’t hear them. 

Every day was the same. He’d spend every minute crying over you and then sleeping. Sometimes without thinking, he’d leave the house and walk to the river near your home. He’d swim while wondering if you were there with him.

But today was different.

Today he tried to drown himself. He allowed the water to devour his body. He urged death to touch him. To call him to rot completely in oblivion.

He was this close to the sweet slumber of death, but his parents found him. They saved him once. They didn’t have to save him twice. He didn’t need saving. He needed you.

The rest of his life would be hell.

If you weren’t there, what could he possibly do? The logical thing was to please his parents for his own sake. 

They would never leave him. Not until he signed the fucking papers. Not until he was at the altar marrying this woman he didn’t even know. What was her name? He had nothing to lose, but nothing to gain either.

Except if he tried real hard, he’d be able to see a glimpse of you through her. Maybe.

Maybe.

Fuck. He was sick.

Gathering himself, he stood up and opened the door slowly. He was glad that his parents were not there anymore. But the woman he was supposed to marry was sitting on the floor crying silently. If he wasn’t in love, maybe he’d try to fall for her.

But you were his love. The only woman for him.

He had to remind himself of that.

“Please be honest. You don’t want this, right?”

She stared at him with bitterness in her eyes. Like she was angry at him. But he didn’t quite understand her. It wasn’t his fault. None of this was.

Instead of responding, he kept thinking of the miserable life that awaited him.

“I know you still love her, but I don’t care. Please marry me. Please love me.”

Jungkook couldn’t feel his body anymore, but he walked over to her anyway. She stood up immediately when he was finally near her. When he was so close to her, she could touch his face with both hands. He felt like throwing up again, but he reminded himself that soon everything would be over.

He knew it was hard to act like everything was fine.

He knew it was hard to lie. 

Never once did he lie to you.

To become a liar, he would have to leave himself behind.

“Let me in.”

Jungkook smiled while she held his face. The moment she saw his pretty smile, she hugged him tightly like she was afraid he’d leave for good. When he separated from her, she waited for him to speak.

And so he did. He spoke the words that were never meant for her.

“Go tell them..go tell them we’re getting married.”

She couldn’t hide the joy that was spreading in her. It was so evident that she was happy. He almost felt a little bad. But the moment she turned away from him, he allowed the tears he was holding to spill down his cheeks.

At that moment, he wanted nothing more than to die.

#jungkook #jungkook fic #jungkook imagine #jungkook angst #jungkook scenarios #jungkook fanfic #jungkook x reader #jungkook x y/n #jungkook x you #jeon jungkook #jeongguk #bts jungkook #bts jeon jungkook #bts jeon jeongguk #bts imagines #bts fanfics #bts fics #bts scenarios #bts angst #angst #jk angst #bts x y/n #bts x reader #bts x you #bts post #bts #jk bts #jk fanfic #jungkook drabble #bts drabble

[heymeowmao]

2023.10.12 - https://weibo.com/l/wblive/p/show/1022:2321324956083041992822

LYN: Hallo everybody, good evening. Long time no see! 

C: You haven’t streamed in so long I almost left the fandom. LYN: Is our friendship so thin, now? They all say that “君子之交淡如水” (a gentleman’s friendship, insipid as water), but this is too bland. I’ve only not streamed for about a month and you want to leave?? It’s not worth it, is it? C: If you didn’t stream I would have deactivated my weibo. LYN: Are you threatening me, or weibo? If you’re threatening weibo, then there’s really no need. They’re such a big platform, they won’t miss a single consumer in you. But if you were threatening me- see, I’m here now, right? I came obediently to stream. I got off work today, came home, didn’t even wash my face, and started streaming. Because I don’t have very many fans lately, so each one of you is very important to me. C: I’m with you for life. LYN: Thank you. Thanks for giving me a sense of security.

LYN: It’s just been a long time since I streamed last. Someone told me it’s been 32 days. That’s nearing a record-high for me- consecutive days without streaming. That’s rare. Some of you who have lots of talents have already made videos and such- I’m sure you’ve already seen them, I have. I have to give you a thumbs up for your talents. I think you’re really great! LYN: I was planning on resting for a few days. This drama is about ready to wrap up- at least my parts. I’m sure you have spies or whatever, and you all know what time I get off of work every day. So you’ve known that I’ve been busy lately, and sometimes I leave in the middle of the night. I really haven’t had any time to stream. I hope you can understand. 

LYN: There are also some other friends who have said, “It’s been a month since I started liking LYN. I’ve never seen a live stream.” I might have some new fans, who came in the past month, and it’s just bad timing that I haven’t been streaming. Don’t worry though, I’ll make it all up later. I’ll do my best to stream more- as long as I’m not busy. But if my drama schedule is tight, then there’s no need- as a singer or an actor, the more important thing is to have works to show. C: You’ve started making pies again. LYN: I’m not!

LYN: But I’m really curious- where have my new fans come from? I haven’t had any works or new songs out- just some OSTs. I didn’t have stage performances, or dramas out either. How did you start liking me? By what method- scalping? XD I don’t really get it. Maybe through the beads? You may have seen that I’m playing with beads in some leaks, and you also like to play? C: Your countenance. LYN: “Countenance”? I don’t think so. In this industry there are plenty of people whose countenance far surpasses mine. If I were to compete with others on my appearance, then it’d be a loss for me.

C: Height. LYN: It’s not like the entertainment industry is some sort of sports activity and whoever’s taller is more impressive. That’s not it. If it were though… Gao Weiguang is still taller than I am. C: Ning-ge, how tall ARE you? LYN: My real height is 189cm. /plays the laugh track/ Oh? Why laugh? // I’m 189cm. But maybe it’s because I’ve adjusted my posture so now I gained a little bit I’m probably 190.6cm, now.

C: I’m a new fan. It’s my first time catching a stream. LYN: Nice, nice. Welcome to all my new friends. I inexplicably gained new fans. I’m not sure how, though, because there have been so many comments online lately cursing me to high heaven. Maybe you’re curious about what type of person I am, to be cursed at so miserably? “Why are people shitting on this guy? I need to see how terrible he is.” But you’ll find out that the more you hate me, the more you love me.

C: I’m a passerby and I just came to check out the mess. LYN: Grab a handful of guazi. A lot of people watching my stream aren’t my fans, but passersby. Grab a handful of guazi. Don’t be shy. Start snacking. C: I never hated you. I have nothing against you. LYN: Right?! It’s not like I did anything to anyone, why are so many people online not letting me go?? Why do they insist on doing it? Oh, my goodness. It’s not worth it.

C: I finally caught a live stream. You cannot even begin to comprehend how I feel right now. LYN: Why do I need to comprehend it? I watch every single one of LYN’s streams. I haven’t missed any. When LYN streams, I’ve always been there- I haven’t missed one. So… it’s not that precious a thing. Also, I always post the playback. If you’re busy right now, you can always come back to watch it later. It’s all the same. You don’t necessarily HAVE to catch me live. LYN: The charm of a live stream is- well, it’s not that “charming”. The nice thing about it is there is a sense of interaction. If you’re typing right now and I see it, I could chat with you. If there’s a topic you want to know about, you can ask me. It’s more interactive, but that’s about it. C: But I want to watch a “hot” (in temperature, as in: just out of the oven) stream. LYN: That’s why you have to subscribe to my weibo. If you haven’t yet, pelase do so. That way you’re less likely to miss it the next time I stream. Alright? 

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bgm: 遥远的相似 (Distant Resemblance) [South Wind Knows OST]

LYN: In the next few minutes I have to update you on a few dramas. First of all, there’s one called “South Wind Knows (南风知我意)”. Friends, are you watching it? It’s very good. I’ve sung a song for it called “遥远的相似 (Distant Resemblance)”. One day a producer that I’ve worked with before sent me a message and told me that this drama was going to air. I was like, “Right! What song did I sing??” It’s been SO SO long since I sang this song. Finally, it’s out. I’ve sung so many OSTs, but since the dramas have not aired it’s been a while. I forgot I even sang this song. They sent it to me and I thought it was.. Familiar? //  Has it been three years? I don’t know. It felt like a long time, to me.

C: Ning-ge, I’ve watched every drama you sang an OST for. LYN: ;) Thumbs up. That’s amazing. Even if you didn’t but are just saying that, if there are any producers in the stream right now they’re going to look for me to sing their next drama’s OST. I’d have work! LYN: I saw a comment that I thought was amusing. Someone wrote, “If you want to know what dramas have aired lately, just look up what songs LYN has released lately.” That’s one way to do it. Thank you. I consider that as your acknowledgement of me. 

C: Ning-ge, I’m so sad that you’ve never read any of my comments. LYN: What’s there to be sad about? You’re in my stream right now, and what I say is to everyone. There’s no way I can talk to you one on one because if I did that, I would have to collect 50RMB/hour. I have a side-gig which is a paid 1:1 conversation. As long as you transfer me 50RMB, I’ll chat with you for an hour. C: Ning-ge, if you’re going to say that then I want to reserve you for a day. LYN: /laughs/ There’s a rich lady here who wants to reserve me! 50RMB for 1 hour… so for one day that means… My working hours are at a max of 12. So… 6000RMB for a day! Right? I could make some money. C: Ning-ge, your math… LYN: It’s on purpose! I know I learned how to be a cook, but I’m not an idiot, right? There are some of you commenting, “Ning-ge, it’s 600! Let’s not have anyone say you’re uneducated because you’re bad at math!” Look at how nervous you’ve gotten. “Ning-ge, its 600, not 6000. If this gets out people will start to call you a fool!” C: Deal, 6000RMB. LYN: Who’s the fool here, exactly?

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LYN: I have another drama to promote, and it’s called “Bright Eyes in the Dark (他從火光中走來).” It’s another great drama. Friends, you can check it out. One of the actors is from my hometown (HJY), so please show him some support.

bgm: Fated (命中注定) [Bright Eyes in the Dark OST]

C: Music is a man’s cosmetic medicine. LYN: What do you mean? That before, when I hadn’t sung I looked very bad, but after singing a few lines you now think that I gained a few degrees of handsomeness? Is that what you mean? When you said that music is cosmetic medicine, to a man? You’re right. I think I get what you mean. - /demonstrates by singing/ LYN: Friends, after singing this song I think I can make a confession - I’ve gotten something done. Music is a man’s cosmetic medicine, right? So singing these few lines means that I’ve gotten some work done. I saved some money. I feel like my face looks a lot better now, even. Thank you, friend. C: Overboard. LYN: You mean that I’m so handsome it’s overboard, now? Now it looks unnatural, right? I look stiff?

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LYN: I have another drama… Let me recommend you another one! This one is a very good watch- it’s called Tiger and Crane (虎鶴妖師錄). This drama has recently started airing and it’s very hot. I actually watched it. This song is called “Don’t Be Sad” Song (莫悲歌)

bgm: “Don’t Be Sad” Song (莫悲歌) [Tiger and Crane OST]

C: Is that today’s “theme word”? LYN: There is no “theme word”. Whatever you say just becomes the theme. Today’s theme is “cosmetic medicine”. No, our theme today is “Music is a man’s greatest cosmetic medicine.”

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C: Ge, I saw you on the boat. LYN: The fun thing about being an actor is that you can experience so many different lives and feelings. For example, normally I’m not the type of person to be on a boat. I don’t ever get the feeling of wanting to go for a boat ride on a lake, it’s not worth it. But when you’re acting, sometimes you may encounter these situations. /sigh/ It’s nice. LYN: I don’t really like activities on water, because I’m afraid. That’s the first thing, and second- I can’t swim. Rather, I don’t really know how, not that I can’t at all. Even though I’m 1.89m tall, a 1.5m deep pool can drown me. For people who can’t swim, it doesn’t matter how shallow or deep the water is. When you’re in the water you’ll feel fear and be unable to make sense of directions. It’s possible that we would not even be able to stand up. It’s that type of feeling.

C: Ning-ge, I’ll teach you how to swim? LYN: Do you sincerely want to teach me how to swim, or do you just want to see me in swim trunks? I’ll pass- I don’t really need to know how to swim just yet. // For the friends who “really” want to teach me how to swim, let me recommend a show for you. It’s called the Hai’er Brothers- you can look it up and watch that. All they wear is small swim trunks. You can check it out. I think the content would suit you. C: But are you in it? If you are, I’ll watch it. LYN: Are you not going to watch things if I’m not in it??

- /promotes the three mentioned dramas again/ C: What about West Out of the Yumen? LYN: I promoted that in my last stream. I also watched some. It was good! Also- it’s finished airing now, hasn’t it?

C: Ning-ge, you’re so busy. Do you even have the time to watch dramas? LYN: I heard two things from this comment. First- “If you have the time to watch dramas, why aren’t you using that time to stream instead?” and second, “... I suspect you didn’t actually watch the drama, and are just SAYING that you have.” You have to look at a problem from multiple angles. The first I won’t reply to, since I’m streaming right now and I have nothing else to say. As for the second, what’s it to you whether I watched the drama or not?? 

LYN: I levelled up in title for Pomellato. (Brand Spokesperson > Ambassador) I saw that a lot of you were happy for me and some of you who are better off went to support me, for which I am thankful for. Thank you for supporting the brand I am working with. 

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LYN: It really has been a long time since I have streamed.. You all know it’s been long. So… the next part of the stream might be a bit negative so if you don’t think you can handle that, you should leave and go play. Now that I’ve gotten my promotions out of the way, I have to talk a little about something more negative. It’s been 30+ days since I last streamed. It’s not about anything in particular, I just need to discuss. But also, my stream is not a press conference and I’m not trying to announce anything. Streaming is an emotional outlet for me, and a place I can chat with my fans. Here, about 90% of you are my fans, and the remaining 10% are passersby or people who clicked in accidentally. Mostly I’m just chatting with my fans. 

bgm: I Only Wish to Face the Light (我只願朝著光) [Be Your Own Light OST]

LYN: This song is from the drama that came out recently that I was in with Tao-jie and Hai Lu-jie. I really enjoyed the role of Jiang Junhao. I don’t know how many of you have watched it? If you haven’t, you can check it out. C: Say what you need to, I’m dying here. LYN: It’s nothing urgent. I just saw a bunch of things online that I feel I need to talk about. It’s not that I don’t care at all about the things I saw, I just thought they were ok at the time. I wanted to collect a bunch of news and use it as my streaming content, and that it would be fun.  

LYN: I saw someone say, “LYN… LYN’s face is so BIG. His face is really big. When he was promoting BYOL, he went around everywhere saying that Tao-jie was the one who recommended him for the role. What? I guess he’s a big-shot, then? For Tao-jie to recommend you? How is LYN so shameless?!” LYN: This came up because I did an interview with Tao-jie, and in it I had said in passing, “I want to thank Tao-jie for recommending me” to which she replied, “I’m not qualified to recommend you!” Meaning, “she is not qualified, because she doesn’t have the right to recommend ANYONE.” You’ve got to read between the lines. But this was captured by some people. LYN: “LYN- look at this. You go around bragging that Tao-jie recommended you for this role, and now she’s denied doing that. Who do you think you are?? You must have been cast because you have resources.” LYN: If they had kept watching after that line, you would have heard what she said next. She mentioned that when she saw the script, she asked the writer if the character was based off of me. It’s in the interview! Why didn’t you capture that clip and post it everywhere?? She asked Su-laoshi if the character was based off of me, and Su-laoshi said, “Who’s LYN?” Then, they looked up who I was and THEN found me. I knew about the process. But because it was Tao-jie who read the script and mentioned me to the writer, that they even found me in the first place. So when I said “Tao-jie” recommended me, it’s not to mean that "I am so amazing", I just wanted to tell you how the job came to me. It was supposed to be words of gratitude, to thank her. I couldn’t just accept the role and then never acknowledge how I got it- I’d be crazy. If she hadn’t told them my name, they would never known I even existed. This platform had never worked with me before, either. So is there anything wrong with saying that Tao-jie recommended me for the role?? Tao-jie is a senior actress, and it’s not as if she would try to burn bridges by trying to make demands of the production company. But the truth is that she DID mention my name to Su-laoshi. You can watch the rest of the interview. But you just took that clip to try to bring me down?? LYN: If you want to curse me out so badly, just do it directly. Don’t drag Tao-jie into this! It makes me sad. Tao-jie is a very nice person, she’s very nice to me! She saw a bunch of people cursing me out and she even sent me a message to try to comfort me. She’s a very good jiejie. Stop trying to stir shit up.

LYN: I also saw a screenshot- it was from a post Sichuan Satellite TV had uploaded with a cut from the show. It was probably the station’s official account or something- since BYOL aired on the channel. They posted a cut from the drama, and the words, “BYOL featuring LYN, LT, QHL is currently airing on Sichuan Satellite TV.” And this was screenshot by people. Their point was: “LYN is just someone who steals rank. Look at this. He was able to use tricks to get his name in front of Tao-jie and Qin Hailu-jie’s. And he says he doesn’t care about rank??” LYN: /sigh/ LYN: After I saw that I was extremely speechless. I used “tricks”? Do you mean that I gave the broadcast company a call and said, “When you post things, you have to put my name in front of LT and QHL’s. I want the first rank, or else! Make me first in the lineup!” /laughs/ Is that what you meant, friend? I feel like a villain. LYN: It’s amazing how they can use this to hate on me. Also- it would have been fine if a single person posted it. But the worse thing is that a bunch of other people believed it! Saying, “Oh? It turns out LYN was this type of person.” “How shameless! How could he steal rank from LT?” “He’s trying to steal rank from QHL? He’s nothing. Who does he think he is?? Shameless.” They all came for me.

LYN: /takes a breath/ First of all- from my perspective… I don’t think that when the account made that post they thought much about or knew that there are so many complicated rules of the entertainment industry. They probably didn’t think too much about it before posting. Secondly, friends. Do you really think I would call up Sichuan Satellite TV, just to tell them to put my name in front of LT’s? EVEN IF I DID, what would be the point? What’s my goal in doing that? Am I trying to tell the whole industry that I am better than LT and QHL? Is that what I mean? What would I gain from having my name be put in front of theirs? Three new scripts? Eight new spokesmanship's? Ten brand deals? What do you think I would gain from doing that?? I just want to know. Why would I do it? Every action has a motive. What would be the motive for arranging this post to happen? What is it? LYN: If I really were the one behind the post, the only thing I would gain is the label of “Does Not Respect His Elders.” I’m more than thirty years old, do you think I don’t understand even this basic principle? What would be the my point in doing this? Friends, could you please tell me.

LYN: It just doesn’t make sense. After I work with them, my relationship with those I’ve worked with is very good! They look out for me. When the drama first started airing and we did that stream, you could see for yourself. Our relationship is very good and we’re close. Even after the drama has ended, we still message each other and chat. It’s all good. But now you’re trying to make it seem as if I think I’m better than them?? I would be crazy to do that.

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LYN: I just- I just saw a comment that’s a little hurtful, I didn’t want to read it out loud. But now I think, it’s okay if I read it, too. Someone had said, “Please leave from 珠帘玉幕 (ZLYM/The Legend of Jewelry).” LYN: /laughing but crying on the inside/ /plays sad bgm and makes it sound like he’s crying/ LYN: To this friend, I want to say, “I’m sorry.” If you had said, “Ning-ge, I want hear a song, please sing something for me.” or “It’s my birthday, please wish me a Happy Birthday.” I could do either of those for you. But for you to say, “Ning-ge, don’t act in this drama” I can only say, “Sorry. I can’t promise you this.” C: They’re not a fan. LYN: They weren’t one to begin with. This isn’t my fan. This is… a passerby. LYN: Alright, let’s stop playing this hurtful music.

C: Lao-da, going to kindergarten school is really tiring. LYN: Dont pretend to be young. The other time I lectured someone who told me that they were going to college and they were tired and wanted to stop. You’re going to KINDERGARTEN, and you think you’re tired?? You must be a teacher. In that case, it must be hard. Children are difficult to care for, so it must be hard on you. But since you chose that job, you have to do it well. Jiayou. LYN: I think it’s quite nice, working in that environment. When you’re working around children all the time, you can maintain a youthful mentality. Other than the fact that the work is a little tiring and a little annoying, you’re a lot better off than those working under pressure in a company. Children are more innocent/simple.

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LYN: /sigh/ I really want to talk about a controversial topic: Resource Card. There’s some noise going around… where a lot of people are saying I’m of the “Resource Card” category. At first I didn’t think much of it- you could think whatever you wanted of me and I was fine with it. Because I didn’t particularly care. If you’re not from this industry you wouldn’t know, but if you ARE you can ask anyone if they know if LYN has resources or not. But here’s another problem: some people say I have resources, but my fans say I am lacking resources. What’s going on here? Let me take you into the world of someone with resources, friends. C: “Please see the following vcr.” LYN: I don’t have one at this time. But it’s like this: From the start people were saying I have very good resources. They wonder why I’m showing up everywhere they turn. I didn’t think anything of it at first, I thought it was fine for them to talk. But then, it started causing problems in that since they believed that I had resources, it added fuel for them to make up content and say that I am able to move mountains with a wave of my hand. I feel like I can control the world- this industry. I can let whoever come, and make whoever go. As if I have that ability. Now that’s a little terrifying. You can label me as a “resource card”, but somehow you’ve also given me all these abilities?? That’s scary. It’s too amazing. I feel like the Entertainment Industry’s Devil King. I can do whatever I want.

LYN: But really, if you are someone in this industry you can ask anyone- LYN is nothing. I’m only a small actor. If someone needs me, I’ll be there; but if they don’t, I’m gone. It’s that simple. If someone gives me work, I do it. If they give me face, I take it. It’s simple logic. I’m someone with an overactive imagination and I think too much. I keep wondering why these people keep thinking that I have resources. Why? There has to be a reason. Maybe- it’s possible- that the groups/dramas/actors I’ve worked with are all very outstanding. So now people are thinking that I’m not worthy enough to work with this group/script/project/actor, and the fact that I AM able to work with them proves that I have resources and that a secret boss investing in me. Right? In the end, it’s this logic that makes the most sense. People don’t think I’m worthy of such projects, so they think that I have resources.

- /reminds people not to mention other artists’ names in his stream/ LYN: It’s no use and I’m not trying to start trouble. I just want to chat with you.

LYN: I think I can understand why people say these things about me. Honestly, it’s for those two reasons. They came to this conclusion because they don’t think I’m worthy of working with the drama/project/actor/director- so they think that I must have resources or someone pushing their support for me. But! Have you thought about the reason how I can accomplish all that I have when the fact is that I really don’t have anyone backing me? You think I’m not worthy, so I need someone to help me. But if I don’t have anyone helping me, can you come up with any other excuses? LYN: No? You can’t. You don’t believe me, and I must have someone backing me. Fine, okay. Let’s go another route. Let’s say that I really am the villain of the entertainment industry like everyone says, and that I have resources to back me. Let’s say that I do. Let me ask you, though, WHY? Why would they back me? What’s the reason. When people do anything, the main goal is to reach a certain result. So, what is the result that people who are backing me want to see? Let’s pretend you are all passersby. Think from their perspective- why would someone want to indulge me, LYN, a 30+ year old man? Can you think of a reason? C: Because you’re amazing. LYN: 去你的! Don’t flatter me. Even if it were a company with their own artist- they arrange for their artist to join a drama crew. Why? Because they’re going to take a percentage of their actor’s salary. Right? Pretty much all companies to this, whether it’s 6:4 or 3:7 split. The company, depending on their closeness/familiarity with the project, will arrange for their artist into the crew as 1ml/fl, or 2ml/fl. That’s normal. In turn, the company will take a percentage of the actor’s commission. That’s how it goes, right? But friends, I don’t have a company…

LYN: You can look up what my previous company was. I used to be with YY- do you know it? If any of you play games, you would know. It’s a company that makes livestreams. I ended my contract with them two years ago; I used to be a streamer. The only reason a company would invest in me is if they want to make money. To put it frankly- they want me to make money for them. Or there is something I can bring to the table. The main thing would be to make them money- but first of all, I don’t have a company. Secondly, if they really wanted to make money off of me- I only have so many endorsements. If I didn’t have enough, they would tell me to take business deals. They would say, “LYN, go sing at this platform’s concert. When you’re done, we’re going to “skin you”. We’ll take 30-40%.” Singers can go take jobs like that, for example, for a grand opening for a shop or restaurant, or promotion for a grocery store, etc. From my debut until now, I have not taken any such business deal. 

LYN: So- LYN: If you’re going to curse at people, then get out of my stream. Don’t yell at people, here. No one is allowed to. You must be crazy. If you keep cursing, I’ll stop streaming. I’m being serious.

LYN: Anyway- you have to wonder WHY anyone would want to give me resources. This, I still don’t understand myself.  LYN: I’d have to make them money. Also, honestly, if I were an investor I’d look for someone in their late teens or early twenties and they can probably actually make me some profit. I’m already very close to middle-aged, how many more years do you think I can continue in this industry. Why would anyone be invested in me?

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C: Drinking culture. LYN: I don’t know from when it started, but at some point I got the “drinks with people for jobs” label attached to me. This is just because of that CLJ donghua. I remember during that stream I told you in a joking way that I went to have a meal with a producer and mentioned that I wanted to try voice acting for a cartoon, and they let me give it a try. I didn’t accept any more, nor did I ask for any. At that time someone labelled me as “a person who stole work from a professional voice actor.” I don’t want to lecture you on what the truth is, but you can look it up later and get the full picture. But the label stuck. Now it’s going around the industry that I can hold my liquor. That all of the jobs I’ve gotten are a result from me drinking with others. Am I a god of wine??

LYN: Let’s not talk about whether I CAN drink or not- I want to tell you something first. If you don’t have the ability to pull off the project in the first place, it doesn’t matter how much you can drink, you’ll never get it. It’s that simple. Don’t even consider saying, “I don’t want to fight for what I want anymore. Starting from today I’ll be like LYN. If I gain an alcohol tolerance, then I’ll be rich! As long as I can hold my liquor, I’ll be successful at work.” Don’t- Don’t even think about it. There’s absolutely no way it’s true. LYN: Second, if you really don’t believe me and think that I have a good tolerance, then one day let’s drink together. You can see for yourself how good my tolerance is. We’ll go one glass at a time and you can count the of number glasses before I throw up or pass out. There’s nothing to say- my tolerance is really bad! When I go out to eat with the actors or directors I’ve worked with, they all think my tolerance is high because I’m from the Northeast. But I really can’t drink. I really can’t. Yet inexplicably I am now known for being able to hold my liquor and that all of my jobs I’ve gotten from drinking with others. Either I have resources or I drank to get my jobs- I’m too amazing.

LYN: I’ll need to look into whether or not weibo allows drinking on stream or not. If I can then one day, let’s have a competition through this screen. Alright? Let’s do it.

LYN: It’s really hard to say. Friends, you can see my daily schedule, right? When do you think I have the time to go out and drink or eat with others? If I had the time, I’d be using it to stream. I’d rather spend a good time with my fans and in return they won’t leave me for someone else. LYN: You can ask around the industry about me. Most of the time I don’t care about what people online are saying about me. Because none of it can affect my work. Everyone in this industry already knows what’s up. Sometimes seeing what people say about me is like looking at a joke. It’s funny. It seems like the whole industry is some sort of fantasy and some people have the ability to split the skies. LYN went from a street busker to an actor/singer and now he controls everything.  LYN: I started as a busker, went viral, established myself as a singer after singing some OSTs, transitioned into acting, and now all of a sudden I’m the tyrant of the entertainment industry. Now I can choose to replace whichever actor I want to? I’m too amazing. I’m so amazing, and you still dare to curse at me? You’re not even afraid of me?

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LYN: I know a lot of this started because of the news about ZLYM project. At first I really didn’t want to come online to respond to these jabs, because I didn’t think there was a need. It’s all classified information, so why would I need to respond? But then I figured that if I didn’t respond, there would be no end to it. There were even some of you @-ing me. “LYN, aren’t you a real person? Come and refute these rumors. Say something. Once you start streaming, you can talk a lot, can’t you. Come and say something.” I don’t even need to see their face, just from their words alone I can tell how much ill-intent they were writing with. How much does this person hate me? How much loathing? C: Ignore them. LYN: It doesn’t matter. The majority of people, we all know, are just going with the flow. Even some of my friends- they sent me messages asking, “You’re going to this project?” “Are you… okay?” I’m a grown man, so of course I responded, “Why wouldn’t I be? It doesn’t matter to me. It’s not “good” or “bad”- either way is fine.” It’s just work. Just a drama. What else can I say?

LYN: There are so many layers to this. I’ll tell you one by one. 

1. “LYN posted in his fan-chat that he would have a surprise. It turns out it was ZLYM.” LYN: This is not my first time being an actor. From the start until now, I’ve done my fair share of dramas and they’ve all aired pretty well. My very first drama was with HZT… ZXY, then QJJ- all amazing actors. All of my projects were great, so to me, dramas are not a surprise. Why would it be? Everyone knows I’m going to pick up a drama eventually. But people were saying that the “surprise” I referenced was being in ZLYM and a bunch of other nonsense, I forget. Why would that be a surprise? I still have to work, and the dramas I have lined up after that are- I think- will be better and better. So it’s not a surprise- and I enjoy working with each project I get. I don’t consider a drama announcement to be a surprise, but an article came out about me anyway.

2. “LYN first encountered this project in June, but at the time he didn’t accept it.” LYN: Some say June, some say July, or even earlier. Some say August- in any case, I supposedly knew about this project very early. Let me tell you- I swear on heaven- I hadn’t even heard of this project before September. No one came to ask me about it, either. I never even knew about it, truly. Usually casting directors will give you a call, to see if you’re interested before contacting the producers. I hadn’t even heard of this project before September. You don’t need to create rumors that someone contacted me as early as June/July. There was no such thing. LYN: I received this script at around the end of September. They sent me the script to see if I was interested. At the time I- /cuts himself off/ How should I say this? The more I say the worse it sounds. I’m afraid it will negatively influence others.

C: What’s “casting”? LYN: “Casting” is picking the actors. Let’s say I am the drama production- let’s use The Long Ballad, for example. Right now I want to find actors to fill my roles. I want LYN, AAA, BBB, etc. If I were the production crew, I would not call LYN up myself. Usually not, unless you’ve worked together before. We’ll find a middleman- this is “Casting” and they’ll help you find/contact the actors and ask their interest in the project. LYN: I heard about this project on 9/19. I have a screenshot on my phone. They asked me to take a look at the script, so I looked at it. There aren’t really secrets in this industry, so as soon as the production contacted me, the news would have already spread on the internet. There are so many people in the drama crew itself, in production, and in casting- nothing is a secret. Whatever actor you’ve contacted will be exposed instantaneously. They contacted me, but at that time I hadn’t signed a contract yet. I only just got the script to look over. I was busy with other filming, so only had time to look over a couple episodes before it started again. Some really fascinating rumors.

2A. “LYN replaced AAA. He used his resources to replace them.” LYN: I- I had never even heard of this project before. When would I even?? I wouldn’t have considered it something I ABSOLUTELY NEEDED to take, enough that I would get someone replaced for it. It’s not true. I didn’t even fully understand the project yet. I swear.

2B. “LYN started changing the script as soon as he was fixed.” LYN: They said that I boarded the project, combined the roles of the second and third male leads, then started going for the female lead’s scenes. That I brought my own scriptwriter. /sigh/ /pained/ It’s really only a drama to me, why would I need to get so invested that I even hire my own scriptwriter to change the script??? Am I crazy?? At most it would take up four months of my time before I leave for another crew. I have other dramas to film for. I “brought a scriptwriter”- If I REALLY had a scriptwriter, I could make MY OWN project, couldn’t I?

LYN: You think I’d take advantage of the platform, bring my own scriptwriter to change the drama script, and make myself into some super main lead that oppresses the original work?? This is just very strange. What era are we living in, where there are still actors who dare to change the script? And ESPECIALLY someone like me, a young actor? You’d shake the industry. Do you think that this industry is so dark, that someone can enter into a crew and say,” I don’t like this. Change it. I only have 100 scenes. Make it 800.” ??? How do you think that’s possible? There’s no way. No one would let you enter a crew with your own scriptwriter, consolidate the second and third lead roles’ scenes, then aim to steal the limelight and add scenes. Oh- I have another label: “Add Scenes Card”. LYN: Unless you are the top of the top- I’m talking our senior actors, whom we must respect. // Young actors like me are at the lowest level in a crew. Don’t think that all these actors and celebrities are living the good life- in a crew they’re at one of the lowest levels. Well, I don’t know if others are, but at the very least I am lowlier. There’s absolutely no way I would come in and edit the script. I didn’t even know I had that ability- to turn the industry on its head and snatch the script and change. /shaking his head/

LYN: At the time I asked the production who I would be playing and they told me I would be acting as Yan Zijing. So I told them I would do some homework to understand the role, because I had no idea. They told me that in the original source, this character was the second male lead but they changed him to the male lead for the drama adaptation. I was thinking, “He’s that amazing?” He is- I looked at the script and it’s great. But not more than two days later the rumors started going around, “2ML and 3ML were consolidated and became 1ML.” I saw that and I “???” I was dumfounded. LYN: Because when I first got the script and only started to understand the project, one of the first things they told me was that the original- in the novel- second male lead was changed to the male lead in the adaptation, since it felt like more of a complete character. I thought it was amazing, but didn’t think much of it because I hadn’t even started looking through the whole script yet. I didn’t have time to read it yet! They just told me that fact and left me to it. But then not two days later a rumor came out that /I/ went in with my own scriptwriter and changed the 2ML to the 1ML. ?! I was dumbfounded. How did it just happen to match up like that?? I told my studio- even if Sherlock came there’s no way he would be able to make sense of it. I can’t believe it matched up so perfectly. You can say LYN is in the project, and it’s true. You can say that the 2ML was changed to the 1ML, and that’s true too! Now, if you add that LYN brought his own scriptwriter…! I was dazed. Should I- at this point should I even still consider doing the project? I’d be cursed to death. If I don’t go, would all the troubles go away? I hadn’t even signed the contract yet...

LYN: But then two days later, something else happened- the costume director got switched out. I didn’t recognize them, but I saw that they did post something about “due to lack of resources..” or something like that, I don’t know. AND THEN, after that post was made, later that day came the headlines, “LYN..” ! “... used his hidden power to change the costume director.” LYN: /headache/ LYN: Why- why does everything that happens to the drama crew have to be turned into a rumor that I was the one behind it?? First of all, regarding the script, I don’t think anyone can figure it out at this point. One day, you will know the truth. But in regard to the costume director being changed out I need to say something- the rumor is that I used some hidden resources to get the costume director changed. The question here is: WHY WOULD I WANT TO?? And even if I did, wouldn’t I change it to someone who I’m familiar with?? The current laoshi, I honestly don’t know their name. I don’t know them and I don’t think I’ve seen their work. I don’t really have a good understanding because once I enter a crew, I just wear what they want me to wear. But if it really were the case that I had changed the old costume director, wouldn’t it be more realistic if I changed it to someone I’ve worked with before? Like Fang Sizhe-laoshi?? He did two of my dramas (CGX, YNGS). Ai Lun-laoshi did three (ALZ, BYOL, ZY). Wouldn’t I recommend someone I’m familiar with, because I know what they can do? I don’t even KNOW the new costume director, how can I say they’re good?! I’m so confused. - /rants a little bit more/

LYN: I’m not even familiar with the new costume director- I’ve never worked with them before, and I barely even know who they are! Of course, I respect them in any case. But the logic is unreasonable- “LYN joined the crew and changed the costume director.”?? It’s all a trap. But I don’t know how, it all lined up perfectly.

LYN: When I was shooting second/third/fourth male lead roles, these things weren’t so complicated. I just went to work, and if I was released early, I’d spend some time to stream. But ever since I started taking lead roles I feel like I’ve switched into a different environment entirely. Everything’s changed, and I don’t know why. LYN: I asked my studio members if they’re seeing these articles- they must be. They told me, “Laoban, maybe we shouldn’t take this job? If we go, then it will make everything seem true. If you go, everything lines up.” If I go, one after another all the rumors about me and this drama will seem true. LYN: /sigh/

LYN: I waited until the end of the month. This drama was announced on 10/2, right? I hadn’t even signed the contract until 10/30. I acknowledge the production company and everything, but I was thinking it was a bit troublesome because I hadn’t even started filming it yet and there were already so many issues. All the communications between the production and the platform were smooth and they’re both very professional. So- C: 9/30. LYN: ? 9/30! I said it wrong. Yes, it was Sep 30th, because the announcement was made on Oct 2. I didn’t even sign the contract until that late. I was conflicted for days. As soon as I met up with my studio members in the morning there would just be a back and forth of, “Should I go?” LYN: /trying to convince himself/ After looking at the script, I think it’s a goo- that is- I thought it was okay. And then- whether I should go or not- I thought it was a nice opportunity. The role is… not bad. Um. Even if…(I don't accept, I’d be okay) right? I would just have more time to stream! If I didn’t accept, I could just shoot a variety or two instead! It’s all the same. A variety show would be… but a variety show is not a “product”, so the drama would be better… If I do the drama, I’d be familiar with the crew anyway, and… But if I went, I don’t think I’d ever hear the end of this. It would continue to follow me for life.

LYN: My studio and I agonized over this for three days. I started getting hives. One night when I was trying to sleep I just kept tossing and turning, wondering if I should accept or not. I’m not how this industry thinks of me- able to make decisions with the wave of my hand. I actually have very little choice. You may think that I am very outstanding, and anything I acknowledge or think is good should belong to me, but it’s not like that. I don’t have a lot of choice. I only just started acting as a male lead, and not one of them has aired yet. Oh! One has- BYOL. I’ve been shooting dramas for three years until this day, when I can finally accept leading roles. Three years of supporting roles, lurking around Hengdian. I don’t have as much of a standing in this industry as you might think.

LYN: Later after thinking it through, I thought, “I don’t want to be influenced by all these outside noises.” I started from the project itself. Do I think it’s good or not? It’s good. So I’ll go. If I don’t go, then I would have been cursed at for nothing. I’m sure that even if I didn’t sign the contract and apologized to the production, they wouldn’t blame me for it. But there’s a problem: all of the people who have been yelling at me until now will not apologize to me. So I figure, I’ve already been yelled at, what else can they do to me? I’ll go.

LYN: I’ve been tortured this half-month… ever since the project came to me on the 19th. I was originally planning to- this is not convenient to say… The drama that I’m currently shooting… No, forget it. LYN: I’m thankful for the fact that my fans are so supportive of me. There were many of you who were saying, “We stand by any decision LYN makes” and posting that you believe in me and stuff like that. My fans are great. So that helped me be sure of myself. I feel like I often encounter situations that I think are wrong, but as soon as I overcome them I find that I’ve gain something instead. On the other hand things that I think will go smoothly, often don’t. That’s what I keep reminding myself. There’s a saying, isn’t there- “The road to happiness is paved with hardships.” I believe that everything I go through will always have a good ending, whether that’s something I’ve gained in the process or as the outcome. It’s all gains.

C: 车到山前必有路. (When faced with a mountain, the car will find a way through.) LYN: No, I only believe 船到桥头自然直 (When faced with the pier-head, the boat will go with the current) [*two parts of an idiom that means: “Everything will turn out for the best.”]

---------- Break #1 (new video!)

LYN: I don’t even believe that’s actually me. After watching that I’ve now realized that my streams are so embarrassing. C: Is this [ OG video editor fan’s name] new product? LYN: No- I’ll play theirs later. - (the neighbors aren’t fighting, they’re just watching Tiger and Crane really loudly XD)

C: OMG! Am I really seeing LYN? LYN: Um… what did you expect? Who are you seeing now? An AI?

C: Liu-ge, why aren’y you playing with the beads? LYN: I’m streaming, how could I be playing with the beads?! I need to focus on streaming. Otherwise what if I slip and say something I’m not supposed to that could be used against me? Even though there are a lot of things already. But I don’t care anymore. I’m going to say what I want to.

C: Ge, do you stream every day? LYN: Yes, I’m viral. All I do is sit around and livestream. If you haven’t subscribed to my weibo, you can do so. It will alert you. I stream every day.

C: When’s your concert? LYN: We’re predicting June 2024. But we’ll see. It depends on the progress of my album. I’m missing three songs and I can’t find them anywhere. It’s agonizing. Extremely. - /starts singing: ~ The sun always comes after the storm. Behind dark clouds is the clear sky. Treasure all your feelings. All your wishes are within your grasp. ~

C: Will there be news of entering a crew soon? LYN: Yes. The current drama is going to wrap up soon and then I’ll rest at home for a month before entering the new crew. /thinking/ ! There are rumors online that the drama is waiting until I have time. !! That has nothing to do with me! I forgot to refute this earlier. There’s a rumor that my next drama is starting late because they are waiting until I am free. NO. After my current drama finishes I’ll be idling at home for a month with nothing to do. C: While you’re idling, can you stream more often? LYN: Yeah, I’ll idle and stream at the same time. While I have the time today, I have to get out everything that I need to. I’m NOT going to wrap with this drama today and then immediately jump into the next drama tomorrow. I have to idle at home for a month. I’ll have nothing to do, so I’ll stream every day. C: Really? LYN: I already said earlier when someone asked me if I stream every day. How could I?? I’m still a singer and an actor. Just keep the notifications on. When I have time I’ll come stream. C: Stream. I love to see it. LYN: Okay, I’ll try my best.

C: I miss your stages, ge. LYN: Ge is… busy. You might have to wait for… oh- there’s something in a few days- after that it’s New Year. Wait for my New Year’s stage, ge. Or, meimei. 

C: When will YNGS air? LYN: Soon. It’ll be soon. 

-----

C: The media accounts are posting about you. LYN: Are they hating on me, or is it about something more public / official? Are they saying something nice, mean, or making fun of me? C: All. LYN: A mixture of black and white, I guess? There’s good and there’s bad. C: They’re complimenting you. LYN: Ok. If they’re complimenting me, later I’ll contact them add transfer them 50RMB. To express my thanks. Everyone dissing me gets blocked, though.

LYN: I’ve seen so many people come in here to beg me not to act in ZLYM. I’m sorry- I can’t promise you that. Alright? Wish for something else. I’M begging YOU. Okay? If it’s financial, I can grant your wish. For example, if you want to eat takeout. I’ll order something for you and make sure you’re full. But you must be full already. Because in order for you to come here and make that request of me means that you have nothing better to do. (“吃饱撑着”) In that case, I won’t order takeout for you. Is there anything else that you might need, that I would be able to fulfill? LYN: Everyone has their own plan for life and their own choices. If there’s something I hope you understand it’s that you can’t change what other people do or the choices they make. You can only choose not to watch or pay attention yourself. But you can’t influence their choices. That’s none of your business. 

LYN: Another thing that I don’t particularly like is- everyone online says that I’m ugly, right? I’ll admit that I am not very handsome. Honestly, I look average. But I don’t think its worth the term “ugly”; I’m just basic. Very basic. My fans all love me very much and they have affection for me, since they’ve been with me so long. It’s like a tortoise looking at a mung bean. It suits the eye. Therefore my fans all think I’m very cool. But then there are some people who have to question it, and say, “Are all of LYN’s fans blind? Why do they think he looks handsome?” That’s their own freedom! What do you care what someone’s fans think? Does it have anything to do with you?? What do you care what my fans are saying, you’re just looking for something to pick on. LYN: For example, let’s say you don’t like to go fishing and think that everyone who does are idiots. What gives you the right? You can’t say that just because you don’t like something, everything else who does like it is wrong. Who do you think you are? Why does everyone have to follow your will? LYN: You can simply say that I’m ugly. You could make fun of me, I don’t care. But don’t ever call my fans foolish. No one is dumb. They’re all smarter than you. LYN: I hope that one day you understand that the world doesn’t revolve around one person. There are plenty of things you won’t like. If you don’t like someone- if you say, “LYN, I don’t like you. Go die.” Do you think I would? No way. I have to stay alive. I have to work. I have to fight for the things I like and want to do. I can’t stop because of you.

-----

LYN: There are always these things online that say “LYN is trying to steal ranking”. This industry is so malicious. I can’t change the industry or the world, I just want to say my thoughts. Some time ago, I had already said that I don’t really care about position/ranking. Whatever space the platform gives me, I accept. I go wherever they want me to. But there are a group of people who think: X: “No. LYN, you’re just stealing rank.” LYN: I tell them, “No, I’m not” X: “You are!” LYN: “I’m really not!!” X: “That’s because you aren’t qualified.” LYN: “You’re right. I’m not qualified, so I’m not trying to fight for it.” X: “No, you are.” LYN: ???? LYN: It’s like this. One day- since I chat a lot with people in the industry- I asked someone, “How exactly are the ranks determined? What measure do you use to align people?” Is it that whoever’s popular is in front? Who’s more well-known? Who has the most fans?? It’s actually very simple- I don’t even know why I’m telling you this, but I’ll share anyway. It’s based on the script. It’s not because you’re popular, so you get arranged in the front. There are a few rules, based on the script: 

1. Whose point of view is it? For example, if the drama is about the female lead, and we’re seeing from her perspective, then the female lead will be in front. 

2. Based on the number of scenes. If you have 200 scenes and someone else has 800 and you want your name to come first, there’s no way to explain why you deserve it. 

3. Let’s say the drama is called “Chang Ge Xing”, and I- as Hao Du- want my name to come first. No way. Because it’s a story about Chang Ge.

LYN: The rankings/placement is based on these things, not because of how popular you are or aren’t, or how many fans you have. There’s nothing to fight about. It’s about the drama and the story as the main focus. That’s it.

-----

LYN: There are some friends who keep posting asking about a certain drama that I’ve shot and what the status of it it. (ZY) I won’t mention it because… If I say too much it will affect the end result. So we’re just going to silently acknowledge that it’s a thing. Stop bringing it up. I don’t want to cause any trouble. We’ll just- yeah. Stop mentioning it. LYN: I know you’re looking forward to it. We all are. So let’s just look forward to it together.

C: I waited so long and you’re finally streaming! LYN: Right? I know it’s been a long time. Today was a bit of a coincidence because lately we’ve been wrapping up late- at around 12a. It's not as if I could have started streaming the middle of the night at 12:30a. I wouldn’t have been able to stay up, either. Shooting the drama is a bit more important, so it was better for me to maintain a good condition (and sleep instead). 

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LYN: ! There’s another rumor, that says “LYN is relatively popular in the industry because: 1. He’s priced low and 2. He’ll sing OSTs for his dramas for free. The producers can save money, so they always decide to choose him.” LYN: … :-( LYN: First of all, it’s true that I am not as good as other people, so- let’s not say that I am cheap- but I am priced fairly. Secondly, I want to clarify- the OSTs are not free. They have never been free. I want to repeat myself today- those watching my stream right now are all witness- When I sing OSTs, it has never been for free. At the most, I’ll give my own dramas a discount. But I have never sung one for free. NEVER. LYN: It’s so unreasonable. Think about it- in a multi-billion dollar investment to produce a drama, do you think they would be lacking the funds to pay an OST singer?? They’re not lacking. At the most I give a discount, or otherwise promote the song. There’s no way I would sing an OST for free. Remember these words: There’s no such thing as a free OST. At least, not here with me. LYN: Who even spread this rumor? How could I sing OSTs for free? This is in direct conflict with my value as a singer. 

LYN: Not only are they not free, I consider them as an extra source of income. If it’s a drama that I am acting in, honestly without me even needing to say anything, the producers will ask me if I want to sing a song for the drama. To which I agree. Since it’s a drama I’ve acted in, I feel like I would be able to put more emotion into the song since I have more of an understanding of what’s going on in the story. LYN: Also, in this industry it’s always better to have more skills (艺多不压身). Many of you know that I learned how to cook, right? I’m a professional cook. I spent two years in culinary school, and worked in a restaurant for over a year. Sometimes when I am in discussions to enter a drama crew, the producers ask me if I want to take care of the crew’s meals, too. /joking/ “Can you cover the cooking for lunch for the crew? Two meals a day- lunch and dinner. For breakfast we’ll order takeout. But how about you cook us lunch? There’s only 300 or so people, not much.” XD I really do think of accepting the extra commission, but honestly if I did I’d be too busy to do my main job. Acting - OSTs - AND cooking?? So I decided to let the cooking go for now. I can’t make other people lose work just because I’ve entered a drama crew. That’s no good. I still have to leave a path for survival for people in all the other industries.

LYN: But there is one thing I do for free when I’m acting- that is, being the host for a cast livestream. For example if the drama is expected to do a livestream to greet the audience, I’ll be the host. That’s for free. I can only say that… I have the ability/talent for it. But whether they actually use me for it or not is the producer’s choice. If they need me, I would certainly stream for them for free. Maybe on this front, I could be considered slightly “cheaper” than others.

C: I’ll give you 800RMB, what do you think? LYN: That- I was just joking about it. When have I ever really accepted someone’s money? The only exception is that I have accepted my Sponsor Brother’s (ZSX). I accept money from him, but not from anyone else. C: Who’s the Sponsor Brother? LYN: You should go Baidu it. “Who is the “Sponsor Brother” that LYN mentions in his streams?” Go ask.

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C: Are you in a better mood now? LYN: I was never in a bad mood. I’m normal. It’s all alright. LYN: I’ve been really rushed in my schedule lately and it’s true that it’s been a long time since my last one. So I just decided to come stream a little. 

LYN: I can’t manage anyone else, but for my fans at least I hope you can treat those you’ve worked with- or anyone, really- nicely. Don’t attack anyone, okay? Control your own emotions. Let’s not get involved with other business, and just play nicely amongst ourselves.  LYN: Honestly you should understand that this concepts applies to your everyday life. Let’s say for example you’re walking down the street and someone comes up and punches you. If you don’t retaliate, you can sue or report them. But as soon as you retaliate, even if they started it, you’ll just be beating each other up. Do you get it? Now it’s hard to tell who is in the wrong and who is in the right. So I hope that we can try not to partake in inflicting mutual harm.  

C: Ning-ge, sue the antis. LYN: I am, don’t worry. I am the type of person who, before doing anything else, must get all the proof and evidence complete and together first. There’s no need to release a statement that only serves to scare the offender. I need to make sure that I will succeed, before I try to sue. I don’t want to fail, because then it would be meaningless- that’d be like slapping myself in the face. I have a professional legal team working on it. If anything, we just wait for the results. There’s no need to release a statement- let’s skip straight to the results. LYN: Everyone has eyes on public figures, and I think that’s fine and proper. But the problem is you can’t start rumors, you can’t spew nonsense. Once it has an impact on the other party, then you’re about to face some consequences.

- /reading comments, sees something/ LYN: Who.. who is this? Are you crazy?? LYN: Let me tell you- it doesn’t matter whose fan they are- some are just crazy. I don’t deny that some of my own fans are crazy. I met some so-called fans who are not normal. It’s too scary. I’m afraid that one day of one you might come with a knife and try to stab me to death. Purely mentally unstable. It’s not like I am insulting or joking around. There are some who are really just crazy. Friends, I’m not kidding you. This is really dangerous. LYN: You’re still laughing. This is scary stuff! C: Don’t say any more. It’s not worth it. LYN: You don’t know what I’ve been through, so you think it’s not worth it. If you haven’t seen my hardships, then don't try to advise me to be kind. I really have met people who were mentally unstable, and it’s terrifying. Even as a man, I still find it scary. If it were you, you’d probably be scared to death. C: If it’s not happening to you, it will never hurt. LYN: You’re right. This is very normal. If you don’t experience something for yourself, you will never be able to empathize. It’s a hard thing to have, empathy. Of course, I hope that everyone who is watching my stream will always be healthy and happy. Have smooth days and always do better and better. 

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C: The song you sang for Love You Seven Times was very good. Can you play it? -- Until The End of Time (直到時間盡頭) LYN: After you mentioned YCY, I thought of something else. I’m going crazy. It said, “LYN is suddenly breaking up a CP because he wants to create one with YCY, because his drama with her will be airing.” But the problem is that in the drama I was in with her, we weren’t even a couple. We were like siblings. She and my Sponsor Bro were the couple. But the rumor said that I was trying to tear them apart because I wanted to be in a CP with her. Amazing. It was so unreasonable it started to even make a perverse kind of sense. For a period of time there CY and I stopped all contact with one another. I didn’t want to be the cause of any negative influence for her. Like, who did she offend? It’s fine if you’re just cursing me out, but lumping her in with me was unwarranted. I’m just speechless. LYN: Another article said that YCY and I went to play an escape room together. ZSX was there, too! ZKY was there, too! And LM! I’ve really got to hand it to them. 

-----

C: What do you think of the “1.9m tall Sweet-dol”? LYN: … I’m… not very happy to see myself trending for that, but I am also not the type of person to take something for granted. I’m happy to be trending but I think the label might be a problem. It wasn’t made out of ill-intent, to make fun of me, but you really didn’t need to make it. You might think that I am so cute. “1.9m tall and wow, so cute! Ning-ge is cool but cute!” But other people don’t think so. It’s like this- say you’re walking down the street and you see a couple, and the boyfriend keeps calling his girlfriend…- how does it go?- he keeps calling her his “sweet pea”. “What do you want to eat, Sweet Pea?” “You’re so cute, Sweet Pea.” “Sweet Pea, you’re so pretty.” As a passerby, just walking down the street, how would you feel upon seeing them? Tell me. Let’s say this guy looks just average- how would you feel? Do you get what I’m trying to say? You can think that I am a “sweet pea”, a “foolish bean”, whatever- “green bean” is okay, too. But as someone who is just passing by, they might not feel the same way. They might even feel the slightest bit… disgusted. Do you get what I’m saying, friends? LYN: In your hearts I hope that I am more manly of a person. I’m a man, but you’re making me out as a “sweet pea.” At most, I’m a “strange flavored bean”. For this type of thing, I can’t accept the trending topic but also complain about it- so I’m thankful for the trending topic. But in the future, please don’t continue in this direction. You can have your own likes and hobbies, but don’t make other people annoyed because of them. That’s my standpoint.

---------- Break #2

- /comes back, realizes he didn’t get water like he said he would, leaves again/ LYN: Friends- we’re all about the 出其不意 (do something when least expected, here)- C: You drink water right after going to the restroom? LYN: Well- 

LYN: Friends- I just saw an yxh post something- “LYN streams and exposes many rumors about ZLYM. He’s really too good. It seems that he may think the drama is beneath him.” I’d like to make myself clear- I very much think highly of the drama. I extremely like the script, otherwise I wound’t have accepted it, right? It’s great, and I know that, therefore I accepted the job. Don’t say any nonsense here, saying that I think the drama is beneath me- I don’t. I love the drama. Okay? I’m telling you directly. LYN: We’re all about eating things “hot”. C: You did so many things while using the restroom. LYN: What does that mean??

C: MUST you drink your water that way? LYN: No, but we want to have little joys in life. First of all, I have to drink the water. But if I don’t drink it out of this cup, wouldn’t I have bought it for nothing? I have to make use of it. I keep drinking water because I don’t want to have bought my toilet for nothing. I have to make use of it, too. 

C: Ning-ge, you’re trending at #6. Watch what you’re saying. LYN: Really? I’m worthy enough to have a topic trending in the top 10? This is unbelievable. Now someone has told me to watch what I say because I’m at #4. Em… do you think my makeup today looks okay? Do you think it will effect anyone who is coming in right now’s viewing experience? LYN: I’m at #4?? Should I change into something more formal? I didn’t think I would be trending so high, today. I only wore something casual. Maybe it’s disappointing to people who are watching now because of the trending topic? How about this- wait for me a second while I go put on what I perceive to be the coolest article of clothing in my life. So that I can formally face all the viewers tonight. Okay? I’ll take my coolest piece of clothing- the one I was planning to wear for the New Year. I’ll change into it and then come back to greet you all. Is that okay? The most important piece of clothing in my life. Wait for me.

LYN: Friends, from this moment on, these clothes are the most important clothes of my life. I was planning to wear this for New Year’s, but I’m wearing it today because I made it to trending topic #4. Why is this outfit meaningful? Because it was gifted to me by my good friend HZT. These clothes- let me do an ad while I’m at it- is from the brand YKYB. It’s very important to me. C: There’s no difference. LYN: There is, a big one. While I’m trending, I decided to do an advertisement. Now HZT’s brand can sell well. C: I see. LYN: Later I’ll send this part of my stream to him and he’ll send me 200 RMB, at the very least. Friends, there are plenty of ways to make money in life, you just have to work your brain to figure out how. - C: You’ve pulled the sleeves up? LYN: It’s too hot. I was in a rush to change clothes and now I’m a little warm. - C: It wouldn’t be good to send it to him yourself, would it? LYN: I’m kidding! A mere 200RMB between friends is nothing. C: Straighten your hair. LYN: /pats his hair down/ /laughs foolishly/

C: Ning-ge, you’re hot? There’s such a thing in this world called an “air conditioner.” LYN: You’re returning my words back to me, I see.

LYN: Thank you to everyone who is watching my stream. Sometimes when I start trending, a lot of new friends show up. If you have not yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I am Modern Brothers Liu Yuning.

C: My husband says your hairstyle looks very nice! LYN: Your husband thinks my hair looks good? He has good taste. I’m sure you are also very pretty, and that’s why your husband chose you. The two of you are great.

-/starts singing along to Fall in Love/ LYN: They say that music is a man’s best cosmetic medicine. Here, it’s time for my medicine. 

C: Ning-ge, how are you so young today? LYN: Which means to say that usually I look very haggard? I look young today because I’ve turned on the beauty filters. /laughs/

C: Is there anything else hot? LYN: What do you mean? Is the only reason you’ve clicked into my stream because I was trending and you wanted to see me fired up? I don’t know why, but I don’t feel good about that. Am I only here for your entertainment? Okay, fine. C: Ning-ge, you’re at #1. LYN: No, I’m not. I know there’s no way I can ever get that high.

C: Ning-ge, you’re so thin you look like a monkey. [t/n: ???] LYN: Look at this! This is a prime example of “when you’re popular, you’ll see all kinds of bs.” When I’m streaming the rest of the time, no one ever comes in here and tells me I look like a monkey. But now that I’m trending and a bunch of passersby are filtering in, the mood becomes chaotic and people start to deliver personal attacks. They said I looked like a monkey. … I’ve been cyberbullied, friends. Why do I feel like I’ve been cyberbullied? 

-----

LYN: Let me take a look. I don’t believe this- /checks the trending topics/ !! What an extra topic! I thought it was just “LYN Livestream” and was confused how it could get so high. There’s no way, because I always stream and that’s not a new thing. It turns out they added a whole bunch of suffixes! I’m sorry, friend! That one who asked me if there was anything else “hot”- I’ve misjudged you. You DID come in exactly for that. I’m sorry. I thought the topic only read “LYN Livestream”, but it reads: “LYN Livestream_Replies to AAA, ETC.” After adding all the stuff behind it, I can see now that you came in precisely to hear the tea. C: You only just noticed? LYN: I just found out. I just thought it was “LYN Livestream”, because that’s usually what I always trend under. I didn’t know there was something tacked on this time. LYN: Well- I guess I have to reply. LYN: It’s like this, friend- for a period of time there was a bunch of news about me that entertained the masses, right? C: I was entertained. LYN: 去你的. In your heart, am I merely a joke? I thought I was important to you, but it turns out that to you I am only a joke?? I’m here for your entertainment?!

C: He’s flustered. LYN: Anyone would be. Friends, this is a livestream. It’s not pre-recorded and I can’t go back and censor myself to see if there are any holes in what I say. Even if there were, there should only be a few. But this is a stream, so every word I say is being recorded by media accounts just waiting to be posted in real-time. I’m just a laughingstock to you.

C: It’s too early to be called a laughingstock. LYN: Are you trying to tell me I’m very precious? Not only am I a laughingstock, you’re also trying to appease me by saying I’m precious because this happens rarely? “You’re a laughingstock, but you’re still precious. Use that to comfort yourself.” 

LYN: It’s like this- let me tell you again. Regarding this project, I am very much in favor of it. This is not because I have the power to change things to my own whim. I really just think that it is a great project. As soon as I saw the script I thought it was ok, and I wanted to take it on. I wanted to go, therefore I accepted the job. Otherwise, why would I accept it? I think highly of this drama. LYN: There are a lot of rumors surrounding this drama that I feel I need to let my fans and those who do not know the truth know. I thought I should say what I want to say. I’m not trying to offend any person or platform. I just need to give clarification on the rumors. If can believe me, please do. If you can’t, then that’s your loss. You can also consider it entertainment. It’s just that simple. This doesn’t need too much explanation. LYN: Many of you probably don’t know me, and could think that I am being blunt/harsh with my words. I’ve always been like this. When there are problems, I come online and chat about it to my fans. I don’t like holding it back, because I can’t keep my mouth shut anyway. I just come on here to chat about it. It is not in an effort to attack or offend anyone. I only want to give an explanation to things I’ve seen or rumors that are being discussed. Very simple.

C: You really can’t hold it. LYN: /sigh/ Do you think I can’t sense that you’re being sarcastic? Friends- very early on I learned how to be a cook, and after that I worked in a restaurant as a waiter. I was a waiter bussing tables for 2-3/3-4 years. Later I went to a bar to be a singer, and did that for 5-6 years. I am very good at hearing the tone of people’s voices. If you want to survive in this world, if you can’t hear what people are saying you are not likely to make it very far. You’re not going to survive. You know? So I can tell how many layers of hidden meanings are behind the words you say. That friend who said I “can’t hold it”, what you’re trying to say is that I… my body’s not very healthy, right? I meant that I have something I need to say, and I can’t hold it back. But your “You’re right. You can’t hold it”- There’s two different meanings there. My body’s fine. I can hold it. I can prove it, because I just had my physical and have the paperwork. I’m fine except for the fact that I’m a bit lacking in calcium, so I’ve been taking supplements lately to make up for that.

-----

C: When you’re done with this drama and idling at home, can you stream 28 days of the month? LYN: I- let’s not. I have other things to do. I have to make preparations for my next drama. Like getting Thermage treatment, working out, do some running, look at the script, etc. - C: Is it really you? LYN: /laughs/ What do you mean? Is it really me? …It is. - C: Don’t do Thermage, it doesn’t work. Trust me. LYN: … Reality can’t deter my will to improve. I’ll do it anyway! 

C: Ning-ge, go look, quick. There are three topics trending right now that are dissing you. LYN: Let me go take a look, friends. What does it mean, “diss topics”? LYN: /looks/ /gulps/

C: Quickly, refute the rumors. LYN: ?! What are you talking about?? What should I be refuting? Seriously, what are you talking about. I really don’t know. I saw something.. One about one drama, the other about another drama… and a “LYN Livestream.” What else is there? There’s nothing to refute. It doesn’t say anything. LYN: Oh, are those two words about me, too? Let me click in and take a look. /reading the comments/ ? I see a lot of comments complimenting me, though. A lot of them are laughing so much their heads are about to fall off. We can’t just look at the bad ones without looking at the good ones, right? We’ve got to be fair.

C: Ning-ge, can you focus on streaming? LYN: What is my content supposed to be? I just think the charm of a livestream is that there is interaction. We’re interacting in real-time- all the topics and posts you’re seeing, I can see too. So now this serves as a reaction video.

-----

C: I came without reason. LYN: There’s no need for that. I’m not trending for anything good, anyway. If I were trending for something good or if the noodles I made were delicious, so you came without reason- those would be fine. Right now I’m just a laughingstock. 

C: I came because of the trending topic. LYN: See? Weibo is a great platform to publicize for artists. A lot of people didn’t know who I was, but because of this trending topic today, they’ve come into my stream, and now they’ve gotten to know me a little. After they encounter me more, bit by bit, they might come to have an understanding of me and start liking me. It’s possible that they could become my anti-fan, too. That’s always a possibility. But even if I only gain ten fans with this stream, that still means I will sell ten more concert tickets. It’s all good. LYN: Anyway, weibo is a great help to artists, so I want to take this time to thank them. Thank you, Weibo. Thank you to all the people who made it into my stream today. 

LYN: Friends- many of you may think of me as a laughingstock, but I want to introduce myself. I am a singer. Right now I’m- someone’s saying I’m giving weibo a backhanded compliment?? What do you mean?! Look at this- another rumor. I just finished saying that weibo is a great help to artists, and now you’re saying that I’m actually dissing weibo?? What the f- Oh my god.

LYN: Anyway- I’m a singer. Right now I’m also acting. Many of you might not know me. So I’d like to sing a nice song for everyone, okay?  -- 我是一只小小鸟 (A Tiny Bird) [t/n: some fitting lyrics. XD] ~ Sometimes I feel like I’m just a small bird. I want to fly, but can’t fly high no matter what I do. Maybe one day I will be sitting on a branch, and become the target of hunters. I’ll fly into the sky, but only then realize that know I am helpless with nothing to rely on. Every night in the middle of the night, I can’t sleep. The world is so small, and there is nowhere to escape. ~ LYN: /bites his nails/ C: There are no lyrics. LYN: It’s not important. I don’t think this song fits my mood. Let me think of something more fitting to represent my mood. Erm… Uh… Um…. Eh...

C: Tank. LYN: I don’t get what you mean. C: 爷们要战斗 (Men Fight). LYN: /revs up/ /thinking/ C: 我爱这个世界 (I Love this World) LYN: No- What do you mean? Why do you want me to sing a song called “I Love this World”? Am I going to be saying goodbye to it or??? No, right? Why does that seem like someone’s last words?

-- 阳光开朗大男孩 (Sunny and Cheerful Boy) LYN: I just wanted to be a sunny and cheerful boy! W- wearing these glasses I feel like the only thing I’m missing is a swimming cap. I feel like I’m about to go swimming.

C: Remember to turn on the mic. LYN: What do you mean by that? It’s on. The sound is on.

-----

C: Are there really antis in your stream? LYN: There are. I can’t really call them “antis.” But the stream is public. Weibo livestreams are a bit like that- they allow all heroes from under the sky to come. All the heroes under the world pass by this place and have to curse at me a few times before they go. They feel like spitting out a word or two would gain them a peanut. Usually when I stream not many people are watching/paying attention. It’s only like this today because… I have too many trending topics. Maybe it’s because I’ve been holding it in for 32 days and so I’ve said too much this stream. Maybe those people didn’t have an outlet before, but now I’m here to release the flood. I’ll make it thrilling, so people can be happy. I’m just a laughingstock, after all.

C: Why did you tell the fans you were going to stream today? LYN: I called you all here so that you can hold up the stream. I was afraid that after I said what I needed to say today, I would be cursed out so badly it all turns to shambles. But now my friends are here, so we’ll see who dares to make a move against me.

C: Ning-ge, then this group of friends of yours have supported you enough to have five trending topics. Aren’t we reliable? LYN: Let me tell you- I think these of five trending topics… most of the work was not done by you, actually. There’s a saying that goes, “Good things never leave the house, but bad things are known across a thousand miles.” You’re all here to protect me and be positive. No one likes to hear the positive things. C: Then should you be happy or should you cry? LYN: There’s something called 悲喜交集 (having mixed feelings of grief and joy). With some proverbs, you might spend your whole life never understanding. But then, at some moment in time, you’ll find that you didn’t even know that you have understood it. At this very moment I have understood the proverb “悲喜交集”. I’m sure that people who are watching my stream and know me, and have experienced this along with me, also understand this proverb. The intersection of laughing and crying. Mixed feelings of grief and joy. LYN: Where does the “grief” come from? It comes from me not wanting to click into the trending topic because I’m sure all the comments are bad. There are of course, the compliments, but also the ones cursing at me. The majority is probably bad. Otherwise the topic wouldn’t be trending. This is the first point. It makes me sad because it’s all about people cursing at me. /fake cries/ Where does the “joy” come from? It comes from the fact that a lot more people are getting to know me, now. C: You’re at #1 now. LYN: Why don’t I just stop streaming now?? How about I stop? LYN: … LYN: Let me stop streaming. I’m sure- /sigh/ LYN: Hold on, let me use the restroom quickly. Wait for me a sec.

---------- Break #3

LYN: I don’t have any works out right now, but you’ve gotten me trending at #1. I’m a little out of wits. C: What are you afraid of. LYN: Nothing! I just wanted to take a look. I want to see what they’re saying; I’m fine. Why don’t I sing a song, then? Show my talents to the masses?

C: Promote the previous dramas again. LYN: Which actor’s fan are you, tell me. Tiger & Crane’s? Bright Eyes in the Dark? Or The South Wind Knows? You saw that there are a lot of people in the stream, so you want me to advertise the dramas again. XD C: All of them. LYN: You sure are a fan of a lot of people. 

LYN: Could you please not start spamming with other artists’ names, though? Because I really can’t afford to take any more heat. They’re all people I respect a lot. Don’t get them involved.

LYN: Let me sing something. What should I sing…? C: 江湖之上 (Above the Jianghu) LYN: You want me to sing this? Ok, let’s do it. -- 就在江湖之 (Above the Jianghu) [Mysterious Lotus Casebook OST] - LYN: Someone keeps telling me, “Ning-ge, don’t get flustered!” I’m not. It’s not worth it.  - C: You killed it better than the original singer. LYN: That’s not necessary. You don’t need to rag on the original singer like that. Four words: Noone has it easy.

LYN: The four most terrifying words I can see right now are: I came without reason. What does that even mean? As if you even wanted to be here in the first place? Aren’t you just here to see the excitement?  C: My roommate forced me here. LYN: What a good roommate.

C: You’re on fire now, ge. LYN: /laughs/ 

C: Ning-ge, you gained fans. LYN: If you haven’t yet subscribed to my weibo, please do so. Who would have thought that I only wrapped up with work early and came to stream today, and it would all turn out like this?  - C: Can you take AAA to do Thermage? LYN: You- you must be crazy. Do you think I’m actually in the cosmetic medicine industry? - LYN: Anyway, my stream is mostly for my own fans. I just came here today to chat, but who knew it’d be like this…  C: Just enjoy it.

C: You sound so strange. LYN: I sound strange? My voice sounds strange?? Are you being serious? LYN: /uses his acting voice/ You say I sound strange? Nonsense! I was only not using Standard Mandarin, is all. How about now? Do you still think I sound strange? It’s because when I stream, I’m used to using my Northeastern accent because it feels more familiar/close. But really, I can speak Standard Mandarin. Okay? I know how. C: It wasn’t strange before, but it is now. LYN: /laughs/ How strange!

LYN: Someone’s trying to test me! They want me to say a tongue-twister. LYN: /clears his throat/ /gets ready/ /bursts out laughing/ LYN: I was seriously preparing to say one! I think I’m starting to fall for your tactics.

C: I want to hear the bubble sound. LYN: Ah? What.. what is the bubble sound? I don’t understand. I just wanted to sharreeeee a fuunnnnn thingggg. To this day I still don’t understandddd what the “bubble sound” isssss. /giggles/

C: Ge, I ate and came back and you’re still streaming. LYN: … What do you want me to do about it? Is it my fault or?? Did you eat too fast, or did I stream too long? It’s honestly been a long time since I last did a stream- about 32 days. My fans couldn’t hold out for much longer.

C: Do you have the “loli”-sound? [t/n: ??] LYN: You demands are too high!  /puts on a sound effect/ What do you mean? What is the “loli”-sound? /adjusts the sound/ Is it like this?

LYN: Yeah, I couldn’t hold out either. We wrapped early today so I came to stream for a bit. I was planning to stay for a bit longer. 

C: Is this a livestream? LYN: It is. I am currently streaming, friends.

C: Ning-ge, since you’re trending, you have to spend the new year with us. LYN: You mean stream past 12a? There’s no need. It’s about time. Let me see how long I’ve been on for. It’s been three hours already. Three hours, so it’s about time.

C: 8 trending topics, I’m laughing to death. LYN: Is that very funny? It’s not funny. 

C: Talk about your beads. LYN: There’s nothing to say, really. I’ve just taken a liking to the beads. They’re mostly wooden. If I fidget with them it’s stress relieving. A few days ago my friend saw me and asked why I started playing with them, and was there anything worrying me? I told them no, I’m purely playing with them for fun. LYN: I think many people in the stream might also like to play with them. It brings you a sense of accomplishment. You start with something more wood colored, and as you play with them you can cause a change in color, texture, etc. They slowly transform into a color and shape that you like. If you also add some accessories, you’ll find a sense of accomplishment. If you like bracelets, it’s something you can keep for a long time. It’s a personal hobby. Just like how some people like to play on their phones. It’s just a matter of habit.

----- Daimi time!

C: Can we see Daimi? LYN: Daimi! She hadn’t had a wash lately. Daimi, come here. // I was planning on getting her washed and trimmed, but I think the groomer’s was closed or something. I can’t remember. She hasn’t had a grooming, so she’s all lumpy.

C: She looks thinner? LYN: No, she just got her hair trimmed. She actually got fatter by 2lbs. LYN: Alright. You can go. They’ve seen you, and that’s enough.

LYN: Look at this back! Look at this back, and tell me if you really think she’s gotten thinner or not! There’s no way she’s getting thinner. She just eats sausages all day. She’s gotten a bit fat.

-----

C: I’ve had night full of melon, hahaha. LYN: /gives the camera a stare/

LYN: Friends, I’ll be leaving first, alright? I want to thank you for your company and support. If you still have not subscribed to my weibo, please do so. I hope everyone who came to my stream tonight has had a relaxing, happy, and wonderful night. It was great to have you and I hope you had fun. I’ll see you again in the next stream. C: When’s the next time? LYN: That’s why you have to subscribe and turn on notifications to my weibo. When the time comes it will alert you that I’m streaming. Please subscribe. But I’ll be finishing up in the drama crew, so the time is not determined.

LYN: Alright, that’s about enough. Goodnight, everyone. Goodnight.

#Liu Yuning #lyn livestream #(3:18:48) #topics: #promos! #& having a bone to pick with all the antis #he's just going off on all the rumors lmao #and made it multiple times in the trending topics bc of this stream

[dailyanarchistposts]

Waiting With The Coffins Under Heaven

The AAA is not a strand of Posadism and does not share their helpless hopes of communistic Alien salvation or global collapse. Their yearning is the same as the pious Christians, waiting for Christ’s return and direction to a better place in a better time. The lathe of heaven does not exist. It must be built.

Nor does the AAA urge a resignation to one’s docile fate on this planet. However much it hurts to hope for the impossible, to imagine a future we don’t believe in (the Earth being saved, Global revolution, etc.), what matters is the strength we feel every time we don’t bow our heads, every time we destroy the false idols of civilization, every time our eyes meet those of our comrades, every time that our hands set fire to the symbols of Power. In those moments we don’t ask ourselves: ‘Will we win? Will we lose?’ In those moments we just fight. Even if we have no future on this planet, we can still find life on it today. One does not have to return to sleep after the alarm clock rings.

Most importantly, we are not advocating a definitive plan for leaving this planet or for what ought to be done in space. It is left to the self-determination of individuals and unions to decide what is appropriate and ideal for them. The accent is placed not on the content of a choice proposed, but the fact of choosing. Thus, the AAA decision is a decision to decide no longer (that is, the free activity of space without geography would be betrayed if it is subordinated to some conception beforehand.)

As I could sit here and lament about Stanford Toruses, O’Neill Cylinders, and my frothy daydreams of surgically implanting bonsai trees into lungs and dining at souvlaki space stations, but why burden this manuscript with frivolities? Better to go out without constraint later, when day is done, to perfect the design – grown greater in the uncertain twilight of mere dream – in that inward moment that turns upon itself, yet never repeats itself. The AAA is less of an organization than it is a network of individuals and unions cooperatively working toward a defined beginning – leaving this planet. All that can come from the AAA are tools, not answers.

Because as much as this reads as a manifesto, it isn’t one. It is an invitation.

I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon…

Astronauts of all determinations, unite! We have a world to lose, but a universe to gain!

[1] While it is true that the hyperbolic statement of capitalism’s totality ignores the areas of the world unaccosted by its imperialistic desires and the resignation of America to alleged patriots is ignorant of indigenous views, I maintain that one’s theories must be about their real life. I do not aim to provide a comprehensive and impervious blueprint for the AAA. A diverse range of voices is necessary to make the AAA the successful network it could be. Thus, if there is something I left out, that I am mistaken, or there is a correction to be made – write it yourself. The purpose of the AAA is to allow space [pun unintentional] for individuals and affinity groups to act with unrestrained ferocity against systems of domination, while still being connected to a network of people who are interested in similar ideas and who can act in solidarity with each others’ struggles.

#association of autonomous astronauts #intentional communities #outer space #space #astronauts #autonomous zones #autonomy #anarchism #revolution #climate crisis #ecology #climate change #resistance #community building #practical anarchy #practical anarchism #anarchist society #practical #daily posts #communism #anti capitalist #anti capitalism #late stage capitalism #organization #grassroots #grass roots #anarchists #libraries #leftism #social issues

[homomenhommes]

THIS DAY IN GAY HISTORY

based on: The White Crane Institute's 'Gay Wisdom', Gay Birthdays, Gay For Today, Famous GLBT, glbt-Gay Encylopedia, Today in Gay History, Wikipedia, and more … November 30

1554 – Sir Philip Sidney, English courtier, soldier, and writer (d.1586); the English courtier and poet was one of the leading lights of Queen Elizabeth's court and a model of Renaissance chivalry. His Apostrophel and Stella is one of the great sonnet sequences in English and was inspired by his love for Penelope Devereaux, even though he later married Frances Walsingham. Lest one confuse Renaissance "love" and "marriage" with the modern versions, it should be pointed out that Penelope Devereaux was 12-years old when Sidney fell in love with her, and that Frances Walsingham was 14 when she was married to the 29-year-old courtier. Marriages were arranged then and not made in heaven, more a real estate transaction than a spiritual love match.

Sidney, himself, was in his teens when the Huguenot writer and diplomat Hubert Languet fell in love with him. Languet was 36 years his senior, lived with him for a time, and, when they parted, wrote passionate letters to him weekly. In his youth, Sidney was strongly attached to two young men, Fulke Greville and Edward Dyer, and wrote love verses to them both, a point not lost on gay John Addington Symonds when he wrote Sidney's biography.

Sidney died in battle at the age of 32. According to the story, while lying wounded he gave his water-bottle to another wounded soldier, saying, "Thy necessity is yet greater than mine". This became possibly the most famous story about Sir Phillip, intended to illustrate his noble character.

1864 – Died: Major General Patrick (Ronayne) Cleburne (b.1828), who was an Irish American soldier, best known for his service in the Confederate States Army during the American Civil War. Born in County Cork, Ireland, Cleburne served in the 41st Regiment of Foot of the British Army after failing to gain entrance into Trinity College of Medicine in 1846. He emigrated to the U.S. three years later. At the beginning of the Civil War, Cleburne sided with the Confederacy. He progressed from being a private soldier in the local militia to a division commander. Cleburne participated in many successful military campaigns, especially the Battle of Stones River and the Battle of Ringgold Gap. His strategic ability gained him the nickname "Stonewall of the West".

According to Randy Shilts ("Conduct Unbecoming"), the Major General might have earned the "Stonewall" appellation for less martial reasons. According to Shilts in his bestselling Conduct Unbecoming the Major General was a 'life-long bachelor' and wrote of the great love of his life:

Cleburne's relationship with his twenty-two year old adjutant, Captain Irving Ashby Buck, drew the notice of the general's colleagues. Cleburne's biographer John Francis Maguire wrote that the general's 'attachment' to Buck 'was a very strong one' and that Buck 'for nearly two years of the war, shared Cleburne's labors during the day and his blankets at night.' Buck himself wrote that the pair were 'close and confidential. I habitually messed with him and shared his tent and often his blankets."

Prior to the campaigning season of 1864, Cleburne became engaged to Susan Tarleton of Mobile, Alabama. Their marriage was never to be, as Cleburne was killed during an ill-conceived assault (which he opposed) on Union fortifications at the Battle of Franklin, just south of Nashville, Tennessee, on November 30, 1864.

Self-portrait

1869 – Konstantin Somov (d.1939) Russian Artist associated with the Mir iskusstva. He was the son of a curator at the Hermitage, and he attended the St Petersburg Academy of Art from 1888 to 1897, studying under the Realist painter Il'ya Repin from 1894. Somov was homosexual, like many of the World of Art members.

Sleeping Nude

In 1897 and again in 18989 he went to Paris and attended the studios of Filippo Colarossi and of Whistler. Neither the Realism of his Russian teachers nor the evanescent quality of Whistler's art was reflected for long in Somov's work. He turned instead for inspiration to the Old Masters in the Hermitage and to works of contemporary English and German artists, which he knew from visits abroad and from the art journals.

Following the Russian Revolution, he emigrated to the United States, but found the country "absolutely alien to his art" and moved to Paris. He was buried at the Sainte-Genevieve-des-Bois Cemetery.

1874 – Winston Churchill, British prime minister and statesman (d.1965). He was Britain's wartime prime minister whose courageous leadership and defiant rhetoric fortified the English during their long struggle against Hitler's Germany. "I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat," he stated upon becoming prime minister at the beginning of the war. He called Hitler's Reich a "monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime." Following the war, he coined the term "Iron Curtain" to describe the barrier between areas in Eastern Europe under Soviet control and the free West.

In his wonderfully entertaining and informative biography of W. Somerset Maugham, Ted Morgan tells how Maugham once asked Churchill whether it was true, as the statesman's mother had claimed, that he had had affairs with other young men in his youth.

"Not true!" Churchill replied. "But I once went to bed with a man to see what it was like."

The man turned out to be musical-comedy star, Ivor Novello.

"And what was it like?" asked Maugham.

"Musical" Churchill replied.

Another famous story goes that when Winston Churchill was Prime Minister, he was woken one freezing February morning by a Downing Street aide bearing the shocking news that a male Tory MP had been caught having sex with a naked guardsman in St James’s Park.

Noting that it had been the coldest night of the winter, Churchill is said to have remarked: "Makes you proud to be British."

1900 – On this date, Oscar Wilde, Irish writer, wit and raconteur died (b.1854); Prison, after his conviction for "gross indecency," was unkind to Wilde's health and after he was released on May 19, 1897 he spent his last three years penniless, in self-imposed exile from society and artistic circles. He went under the assumed name of Sebastian Melmoth, after the famously "penetrated" Saint Sebastian and the devilish central character of Wilde's great-uncle Charles Robert Maturin's gothic novel Melmoth the Wanderer.

Nevertheless, Wilde lost no time in returning to his previous pleasures. According to Lord Alfred Douglas, Robbie Ross "dragged [him] back to homosexual practices" during the summer of 1897, which they spent together in Berneval. After his release, he also wrote the famous poem The Ballad of Reading Gaol.

Wilde spent his last years in the Hôtel d'Alsace, now known as L'Hôtel, in Paris, where he was notorious and uninhibited about enjoying the pleasures he had been denied in England. Again according to Douglas, "he was hand in glove with all the little boys on the Boulevard. He never attempted to conceal it." In a letter to Ross, Wilde laments, "Today I bade good-bye, with tears and one kiss, to the beautiful Greek boy. . . he is the nicest boy you ever introduced to me."

Just a month before his death he is quoted as saying, "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go." His moods fluctuated; Max Beerbohm relates how, a few days before Wilde's death, their mutual friend Reginald 'Reggie' Turner had found Wilde very depressed after a nightmare. "I dreamt that I had died, and was supping with the dead!" "I am sure," Turner replied, "that you must have been the life and soul of the party." Reggie Turner was one of the very few of the old circle who remained with Wilde right to the end, and was at his bedside when he died. On his deathbed he was received into the Roman Catholic church. Wilde died of cerebral meningitis on November 30, 1900.

Wilde was buried in the Cimitiere de Bagneaux outside Paris but was later moved to Père Lachaise in Paris. His tomb in Père Lachaise was designed by sculptor Sir Jacob Epstein, at the request of Robert Ross, who also asked for a small compartment to be made for his own ashes. Ross's ashes were transferred to the tomb in 1950. The numerous spots on it are lipstick traces from admirers.

The modernist angel depicted as a relief on the tomb was originally complete with male genitals. They were broken off as obscene and kept as a paperweight by a succession of Père Lachaise cemetary keepers. Their current whereabouts are unknown. In the summer of 2000, intermedia artist Leon Johnson performed a forty minute ceremony entitled Re-membering Wilde in which a commissioned silver prosthesis was installed to replace the vandalized genitals.

Note: As a general rule, this site does not list persons' death dates - unless their death was something out of the ordinary, a reason for them to be remembered, or because we don't know their date of birth. However, Oscar Wilde desreves special treatment. His name is referenced in this collection of brief biographies far more than any other person. His life, trial, and death had a world-wide effect on gay history.

1955 – Kevin Conroy was an American actor and voice actor (d.2022). He is best known for his voice role as the DC Comics character Batman on the 1990s Warner Bros. television show Batman: The Animated Series, as well as various other TV series and feature films in the DC animated universe.

Due to the popularity of his performance as Batman, Conroy went on to voice the character for multiple films under the DC Universe Animated Original Movies banner, the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham video games, and in fall 2019 he will play a live action Bruce Wayne in the Arrowverse adaptation of Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Conroy was born in Westbury, New York. Conroy was born into an Irish Catholic family which moved to Westport, Connecticut when he was about 11 years old. He moved to New York City in 1973 when he earned a full scholarship to attend Juilliard's drama division, studying under actor John Houseman. While there, he roomed with Robin Williams, who was in the same group as both Conroy and Kelsey Grammer.

After graduating from Juilliard in 1978, he toured with Houseman's acting group The Acting Company, and the following year he went on the national tour of Ira Levin's Deathtrap.

Filmreference.com listed Conroy as having been married, and having a child, though an interview with The New York Times in 2016 stated that he was single. He also said that he was gay.

In the 2016 interview with The New York Times promoting the animated adaptation of The Killing Joke, Conroy revealed that he was gay. As part of DC Comics' 2022 Pride anthology, Conroy wrote "Finding Batman", a story that recounted his life and experiences as a gay man. It received critical acclaim upon release. He was married to Vaughn C. Williams at the time of his death.

Conroy made an effort to conceal his homosexuality throughout most of his career. He spoke in "Finding Batman" about the discrimination he faced once potential collaborators and employers found out about his homosexuality. Conroy has said that on multiple occasions he had been removed from consideration for acting jobs due to his sexual orientation.

1995 – The first US. government-sponsored advertising targeting gay men debuts on the eve of World AIDS Day when the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention releases a public service television announcement cautioning men to have “smart sex.”

Today's Gay Wisdom: The wit of Oscar Wilde

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.

Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating: people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all.

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

One should absorb the colour of life, but one should never remember its details. Details are always vulgar.

The truth is rarely pure and never simple.

Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.

Illusion is the first of all pleasures.

All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling.

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.

There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.

Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm.

The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.

Life imitates art far more than art imitates Life.

It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.

There is no sin except stupidity.

It is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned.

A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want?

Only the shallow know themselves.

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

He hadn't a single redeeming vice.

A pessimist is one who, when he has a choice of two evils, chooses both.

Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.

[heathers-letters]

May 22, 2024

"[Representative Jim McGovern (D-MA)] replied: “[A]t some point, it's time for this body to recognize that there is no precedent for this situation. We have a presumptive nominee for president facing 88 felony counts, and we're being prevented from even acknowledging it. These are not alternative facts. These are real facts. A candidate for president of the United States is on trial for sending a hush money payment to a porn star to avoid a sex scandal during his 2016 campaign and then fraudulently disguising those payments in violation of the law. He's also charged with conspiring to overturn the election. He's also charged with stealing classified information, and a jury has already found him liable for rape in a civil court. And yet, in this Republican-controlled house, it's okay to talk about the trial, but you have to call it a sham.”"

"Jodi Kantor, Aric Toler, and Julie Tate tonight broke the story in the New York Times that the upside-down U.S. flag associated with the January 6 insurrectionists was not the only anti-American flag Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito displayed. In at least July and September 2023, over his beach house in New Jersey there flew an “Appeal to Heaven” flag like the one carried by January 6 rioters. This banner is also known as the “Pine Tree flag,” but it is not the same one currently under consideration to become Maine’s state flag. 

This flag represents the idea that the 2020 presidential election was stolen. As Ishaan Jhaveri of Columbia University’s Tow Center in the Graduate School of Journalism explained in 2021, in the days of the American Revolution, the flag “was meant to symbolize the right of armed revolution in the face of tyranny.”

But in 2013 the flag was the symbol of a group working to put Christians into public office to create a government based on their ideology. In 2015, those trying to stop the Supreme Court from legalizing gay marriage flew the flag; in 2016, supporters of the militias that occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge did so, too. In 2017 the flag was behind Trump when he spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), and in 2020, those opposed to Covid shutdowns carried it. 

More recently, the January 6 rioters carried it, and so have neo-Nazis. It is the same flag that House speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) displays outside of his congressional office. Scholar of religion Bradley Onishi noted: “It’s a flag symbolizing Christian revolution. It’s used by extremists.”"

Highlights from Heather Cox Richardson's Letters from an American. Full newsletter under the cut.

Representative Jim McGovern (D-MA) called out his Republican colleagues on the floor of the House today for offering “stunts instead of solutions, extremism over bipartisanship.” It’s a shame, he said, because the Republicans’ narrow majority “could have given us a chance to work together in a bipartisan way.” Instead, Republicans have caved to their most extreme members, who have been “skipping their real jobs to take day trips up to New York to try to undermine Donald Trump's criminal trial.” 

McGovern suggested that perhaps they were trying “to distract from the fact that their candidate for president has been indicted more times than he's been elected” and “is on trial for covering up hush money payments to a porn star for political gain not to mention three other criminal felony prosecutions.” 

Representative Jerry Carl (R-AL), the temporary chair at the time, rebuked McGovern, who noted that the fact that the former president is in a court of law is the truth. Just last week, McGovern pointed out, a Republican member of the House was not admonished when he complained about “the former president of the United States being hauled into court day after day with a sham trial.” 

Carl reminded McGovern that members “must avoid personalities in debates.”

McGovern replied: “[A]t some point, it's time for this body to recognize that there is no precedent for this situation. We have a presumptive nominee for president facing 88 felony counts, and we're being prevented from even acknowledging it. These are not alternative facts. These are real facts. A candidate for president of the United States is on trial for sending a hush money payment to a porn star to avoid a sex scandal during his 2016 campaign and then fraudulently disguising those payments in violation of the law. He's also charged with conspiring to overturn the election. He's also charged with stealing classified information, and a jury has already found him liable for rape in a civil court. And yet, in this Republican-controlled house, it's okay to talk about the trial, but you have to call it a sham.”

Representative Erin Houchin (R-IN) demanded McGovern’s words be stricken from the record. The chair agreed to do so, saying that “it is a breach of order to refer to the candidate in terms personally offensive, whether by actually accusing or merely insulting.” Republicans banned McGovern from speaking on the floor for the rest of the day. McGovern observed: “You can only talk about the trial on the House Floor if you're using it to defend Donald Trump.”

It was curious timing for extremists to silence a Massachusetts lawmaker. 

In 1836, Democratic lawmakers in the House of Representatives passed a resolution to table, or put aside without action or discussion, all petitions relating to slavery. Repeatedly thereafter, former president John Quincy Adams, now representing Massachusetts in the House, rose to read a petition and was silenced. But the First Amendment protects the right to petition the government for a redress of grievances—King George III had pointedly rejected the colonists’ 1775 Olive Branch Petition trying to avoid war, and the framers of the new government wanted to be clear that people had a right to be heard—and people in the North increasingly understood the silencing of those who were determined to stop debate over slavery as an attack on their constitutional rights. 

The House got rid of the “gag rule” in 1844, but just twelve years later, on May 22, 1856—exactly 168 years ago today—South Carolina representative Preston Brooks beat Massachusetts senator Charles Sumner nearly to death on the floor of the Senate after Sumner criticized southern enslavers, particularly Brooks’s relative South Carolina senator Andrew Butler. 

The gist of Sumner’s speech was that a small minority of men were trying to impose their will on the majority of the American people by forcing enslavement on the territory of Kansas, much as enslavers like Butler forced themselves on the women they enslaved. Sumner’s speech was insulting, but beating him into a welter of blood while he sat at his Senate desk for representing his constituents suggested that enslavers would tolerate no dissent.

Jodi Kantor, Aric Toler, and Julie Tate tonight broke the story in the New York Times that the upside-down U.S. flag associated with the January 6 insurrectionists was not the only anti-American flag Supreme Court justice Samuel Alito displayed. In at least July and September 2023, over his beach house in New Jersey there flew an “Appeal to Heaven” flag like the one carried by January 6 rioters. This banner is also known as the “Pine Tree flag,” but it is not the same one currently under consideration to become Maine’s state flag. 

This flag represents the idea that the 2020 presidential election was stolen. As Ishaan Jhaveri of Columbia University’s Tow Center in the Graduate School of Journalism explained in 2021, in the days of the American Revolution, the flag “was meant to symbolize the right of armed revolution in the face of tyranny.”  

But in 2013 the flag was the symbol of a group working to put Christians into public office to create a government based on their ideology. In 2015, those trying to stop the Supreme Court from legalizing gay marriage flew the flag; in 2016, supporters of the militias that occupied the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge did so, too. In 2017 the flag was behind Trump when he spoke to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), and in 2020, those opposed to Covid shutdowns carried it. 

More recently, the January 6 rioters carried it, and so have neo-Nazis. It is the same flag that House speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) displays outside of his congressional office. Scholar of religion Bradley Onishi noted: “It’s a flag symbolizing Christian revolution. It’s used by extremists.”

These extremists appear to have turned to Trump, who is, as McGovern pointed out, facing 88 felony counts and is currently on trial for paying off a sex partner in order to prevent voters from hearing about their encounter and then violating the law to hide the payments, because they believe he will crash through the laws and bureaucracy that are designed to protect the democratic institutions that would stop them from seizing power. 

And now it turns out that a flag representing the idea that the 2020 election was stolen, that the people should engage in armed revolution against tyranny, and that the United States should be a nation based in Christian theology has been flying over the home of Justice Alito, who is supposed to be defending the United States Constitution impartially. Alito wrote the 2022 Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization decision overturning the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision that recognized the constitutional right to abortion.

Election columnist Laura Bassett of The Cut wrote: “The [A]lito flag story does not teach me anything new about his politics but it does reveal how confident he is that nobody can do anything about him.” 

There is indeed a sense of power and entitlement coming from MAGA Republicans as they impose new limits on their fellow Americans and call those constraints freedom. Lori Rozsa of the Washington Post today noted that Florida governor Ron DeSantis is rewriting the history of the summer of 1964, made famous as Black and white organizers fanned out in Mississippi to register Black Americans to vote, by launching his own, new “Freedom Summer.” From May 27 through September 2, bridges in the state are prohibited from displaying rainbow colors for Pride Month in June, orange for National Gun Awareness Month, or yellow for Women’s Equality Day. The only colors they can display are red, white, and blue. 

“Thanks to the leadership of Gov[ernor] Ron DeSantis,” Florida Department of Transportation secretary Jared Perdue wrote on X, “Florida continues to be the freest state in the nation.”

—

Notes and Citations available by subscribing to Letters from an American: https://heathercoxrichardson.substack.com/

#us politics #activism #donald trump #joe biden #democracy #republicans #vote #florida #samuel alito #alito #christofascists #christianity

[nyiiwest]

Politics are not for the people, politicians are not for the people, not anymore at least, not in the past four decades. They do not care about the tax payers, they care what the tax payers can do FOR them. The people that are currently in power sell lies about what the country should be and it’s all these radical far left or right ideas that sound like heaven to voters but once they’re in office nothing gets done. This system is what pushes the tax payers that run for congress out of the race or off the ballots, to make real change and flip this country we collectively need to start;

A,) looking to our communities for who’s running for state, government, senate, president and picking our options from there. There is still a lot of people in the 2024 race that are independent but not being shown on mainstream ballot

B.) we need to learn as much as we can about politics now and be the change we want to see, it’s not impossible with the right motivation and conviction. Run for office, it’s never too late.

C.) young people! We are the true voice of America and our countries governments. It’s our job to learn about politics and world issues and make our own educated opinions and stances on the uncomfortable topics. Looking to other people or parroting our elders views will get us no where.

We loose everything when we stand for nothing, nothings to be lost when we have everything to gain by fighting for a better world.

Oh but Nyi, your views and ideas seem to radical, too ahead of your time. Every idea was seen as radical at one point, the very same ideologies that brought us to this point today were once too radical. When it comes to anything but especially politics NOTHING is too radical if you’re truly dedicated to change and changing voters minds.

#trending #Nyi West #political activist #global politics #poltics #young politicians #political #politicians #voting #election 2024 #2024 presidential race #congressional #capital hill #open conversation

[a-message-for-the-stars]

Sundays in Hell

Listening past the crackling fire, you can hear the sound of bells.

Heard by all yet mentioned my none

There is a sense of mourning that comes with Sundays in hell

An unspoken rule of what not to say

Today the bells were louder; a sense of dread rules over the burning valley.

A man approaches you, his purity a distant echo.

His stories, his angels

None of it is real in hell, like it was on earth.

You gain an audience as the man with a burning soul asks to take you to heaven,

Again, a place that isn’t real.

He apologizes, you did not sin, you do not deserve the burning of hell.

The offer is there but a knowingness fills the room.

There is too much ash in your hair to become an angel.

The lights of heaven would blind you, the water burning your skin.

Blurred lines separate heaven and hell.

If you had not sinned before you certainly had now.

You are not an angel, even if you were before.

Today, the man learns from the one place he hates.

You can fix everything you break.

Some things stay broken.

#poem #poetry #writeblr #writers and poets #writers on tumblr #writing #original poem #poems and quotes #poems and poetry #poems on tumblr #short poetry #original poetry #my poem #poets on tumblr #short poem #poetic

[skippyv20]

Hello Dear Skippy !

I loved your old people post ! Today is my birthday - I am officially 63 yrs old. I say officially because for some reason for most all of last year I thought I was 63 and then someone would correct me and remind me I was 62.

I haven't agonized about getting older since my late 40s.. firmly believing it is a true blessing to get older because so many wonderful people are not given that chance. I will admit that I continued to color my medium to dark brown hair with blonde highlights until last March, I wish I had stopped sooner because now I have a few thick bands of my natural color bordered by areas streaked white and gray from about my ears back . Around my face, I have almost all white for my bangs left of my center part and on the right side my bangs are streaks of white, gray and my natural color and my hair from eye level down framing my face is whitish/blonde. I love mother nature's color choices better than anything applied at the salon !

At some point over the last couple of years, I have let go of a lot of the trivial issues that used to worry me. I do worry about ageing ... not getting older but ageing and how quickly 20 years can fly by - I would be 83. I worry about who will look after my daughter with CRPS and how my youngest is only 28 yrs old and how much I hope I am still around when he turns 60. That leads me to worrying about how much care I might need at 95 and then I tell myself to stop counting down the future and enjoy the moments I have now.

You are aware that sometimes my life gets very busy and often stressful with 5 kids and 4 grandchildren and extended family.. and I get tired and moan about needing some "me" time but I cherish every minute of it. Every day, I am here to be a mom, grandma, sister, cousin, aunt and friend is a cherished gift.

Truth be told - these days my most worrying thought of the day is trying to decide if I want to lose 10 lbs to better fit into my clothes or gain 10 lbs to better fit into my wrinkles.. lolol

A Very Happy Birthday to you my dear friend! I do understand losing or gaining a yr or two, now and then. I do it myself. I have to consciously tell myself how old I am.

Yes, you are so right, Mother Nature does amazing things with our hair. I did have Covid hair like the other anon mentioned. Then when I could get it coloured again, I went and had it done. It seemed to take forever, and then I decided I had no patience to sit in the chair. So stopped. I do get a “spit and shine” (as I call it).

Worrying about loved ones when we are gone. You know, I remember talking with my dad about that. He told me this…”when I am gone to heaven, God will make sure to keep things running down here for you”. Life will keep going when I am gone. God will have everything already figured out for everyone”.

I can remember asking my mom once in awhile….”what will I do when you are gone?”…..she would say..”you will be ok”. When she was in the hospital dying, one night I asked her “what will I do when you are gone.?” She said “I don’t know”. Well, when she said that I froze, it seriously scared me. Then I realized she didn’t know. She couldn’t know. Only God knew what I would do without her. After she passed, I felt her with me…I still do. My sister told me to “always remember whose daughter I am, because that is what will keep me going”. We can’t spend time worrying about our loved ones after we are gone. If we do that, it will take away the real pleasure we have with them. Fear of the unknown is sneaky. It can overtake us and paralyze us….we have to let it go, we have trust that God will take care of them, as he took care of us when we have lost our parents. It will be ok.

I don’t spend anytime worrying about clothes….if they don’t fit…it is the dryer’s fault. Wrinkles? No, I don’t do wrinkles. If you believe they exist…they will show up! They don’t exist in my mind. Not allowed! Love and hugs to you! Happy Birthday!