#once again not my best work but like I said this autism is more focused on repetition…..(and constantly having Morrissey in my head) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

littleoddwriter · 3 years

Note

I love your writing! I was wondering if you could write Jesse, Asa, and poly Ghostface with and autistic gender neutral partner please.

Slashers x Autistic!GenderNeutral!Reader | Headcanons

Thank you so much for the request and compliment, I'm glad you enjoy my writing. :) I really hope you'll like these Headcanons! [Fortunately, I'm 98% sure I'm autistic, on top of having BPD, which has great overlaps with Autism anyway, so I've done lots of research over the past years and yeah- I'm just saying that I am definitely not unfamiliar with it and I hope I did an alright job! I focused on certain aspects that I know pretty much every autistic person experiences to some extent at least and that I'm personally familiar with as is. <3]

notes; GenderNeutral!Reader; Stimming; Meltdowns; Sensory Overload; Special Interests & Infodumping; Routines; Semi-Verbal; Asa is autistic, too; Stu has ADHD; Dealing with Difficulties in Social Situations; Implied/Referenced Self-Harm (unintentional); Implied/Referenced Ableism; Implied Murder; Poly-Amorous Relationship.

Characters: Asa Emory/The Collector; Billy Loomis; Stu Macher; Jesse Cromeans/Chromeskull.

Asa Emory/The Collector

With Asa you’re lucky, since he’s autistic, too – so whenever you talk about your special interests, he’s not only listening attentively and engaging in an actual conversation with you; he also goes on about his own afterwards!

In addition, it was such a relief to not be forced to mask around him at all, and it was only later that you realised just how much less exhausted you were at the end of every day then

He obviously understands all the struggles you face better than anyone, and while it’s not all exactly the same for him, he can sympathise with you and help you out, just like you do with him

If you suffer from sensory overload, he knows exactly what to do – he turns off all lights, gets out your noise cancelling headphones and stim toys you might rather have instead of hurting yourself with more extreme stims you have at times like this

He handles your meltdowns really well, too – he always lets you ride them out and makes sure you know that you’re not alone and that he’s here for you

Some days you might not talk at all, and he couldn’t care less – he knows what it’s like, he is semi-verbal as is – and so you two have come up with a system to let each other know what’s going on; and you have prepared cards for more mundane things, while you otherwise resort to texting each other about more important and unique things

On the other hand, you also can’t shut up sometimes and generally he is okay with it; he actually enjoys the things you tell him, but when he needs to focus on his work it can be a bit distracting of course – still, he never holds it against you – he just tells you to be quiet and talk to him later, and you understand it; so it’s fine

The two of you also have a whole box full of different stim toys you both use, and it makes you incredibly happy to have a shared collection of them with your love – it’s almost strangely romantic

Since you’re both autistic, it was super easy to come up with routines that work really well for either of you when you moved in together – that way you never get in each other’s ways or upset one another

Billy Loomis & Stu Macher

Stu has ADHD, so he understands you better than Billy does in this department, but they both put in a lot of effort in knowing what boundaries you have, what they’re supposed to do in which situations, what you struggle with most, etc. – They’re happy to make accommodations for you

Sometimes Stu’s current hyperfixation is something in the realm of one of your special interests and so you just talk back and forth about it for hours, which can drive Billy a little insane, but he secretly loves just how passionate you two get, while he’s just sitting between you two and watching you go on about topic XYZ

If anyone at school or college thinks they have the right to mock you and these two witness it, or you tell them about it, you can be certain to not see that person ever again

They never make you feel weird or embarrassed about your stims, interests, or specific ways to do things – it’s who you are and they love everything about you, especially the things that others usually didn’t

Just like Asa, they are ready to help you out and provide for you, when you’re suffering from intense sensory overload – you’ve walked them through what is best for you in such situations and they’re really good at following what you said

Meltdowns, too – you’re never made to feel ashamed; they never treat you any differently and just let you ride it all out, as they comfort you afterwards and tell you that it’s alright

Even though they’re both very social, they never force you into situations you’re uncomfortable with and make sure you’re okay whenever you do come along to house parties, or meeting with several people at once – if you need to leave, they’ll go with you and comfort you if needed

Jesse Cromeans/Chromeskull

You tell him that you’re autistic pretty early on, and while he didn’t know too much beforehand, he does his research and lets you tell him how it affects you, etc.

He is incredible, really – he lets you infodump about your interests and engages in it via signing or texting you what he thinks; he is genuinely interested in whatever you have to say and admires your passion and the way your entire face lights up when you get to talk about something so important to you

He might not understand your sensory issues entirely, but he doesn’t judge you for them either – he gladly accommodates you in whatever way you need

He buys you stim toys you’ve been eyeing, but couldn’t afford by yourself; and he generally doesn’t make you feel bad about your stims and behaviours

In case you tell him about the ableist things people have told you before, and how they might have mocked you for things you can’t help, he gets angry on your behalf (he may target some of these people next, too – just for good measure)

If you happen to have a meltdown in his presence, he makes sure to not agitate you more; instead he assures you of his presence and comforts you when you need it – if you’re okay with cuddles and kisses, he’ll primarily use those to calm you down when the worst is over

He never gets in the way of your routines and always makes certain you can pursue them properly – he doesn’t want to cause you any distress

Whenever you may lash out because of sensory overload, he doesn’t take it personally or get mad at you; instead he asks what is causing the overload and accommodates you – especially in public; he’ll remove you from wherever you may be at that moment and comforts you to help you come down from it

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mammoneymelon · 3 years

Text

How the brothers would react to finding out that MC is autistic

before anyone says anything, i’m autistic and just really want some representation

TW for ableism! the boys are doing their best but no NT immediately knows everything about autism

it’s a bit random, but i headcanon that lucifer has misophonia, so it’s only a matter of time before a noisy/verbal stim starts to drive him up a wall

“what in the devildom are you doing?” he’d ask, eyebrows scrunched in frustration

you have no idea what he’s talking about; after all, you’ve just been sitting on your DDD playing some rhythm game

“what do you mean?”

“you’ve been making that noise for hours; cut it out before i have to go find the packing tape.”

you know him well enough to know he isn’t joking, so you nod and do your best to stop, ignoring the feeling of dread beginning to well up in your chest

you go back to your game, and soon enough, you’re back to ‘making that noise’

you see lucifer stand up, bringing your action to your attention.

“oh, sorry! i didn’t realize i was doing it again, sorry!”

“oh?” he asked, looking down at you.

“it’s stimming. autistic people do it a lot more than others, and sometimes we don’t even notice it.” there’s a moment of silence but you realize you just told him something you hadn’t even told your human friends

“ah, yes, i do remember reading about that in your file. i didn’t want to say anything so as not to offend you.”

you shake your head. “dude! that’s personal business! i don’t like telling people.”

lucifer’s gaze seems to soften. “don’t fret, MC. i won’t tell a soul.”

and he doesn’t.

he also totally buys you quiet stim toys

it’s not long before mammon realizes you are terrible at reading the room

you have a terrible habit of cracking a joke at the worst time or saying the first thing that comes to your mind, even if it was at the expense of others

at first, mammon, mammon thought you were really brave. now, however, he sees that you just have no idea what you’re doing

currently, your knack for trouble had landed you in detention, something you’d gotten fairly used to in the human world. mammon was sitting next to you - he was paying for trying to defend you

“lucifer’s going to kill us. again.”

“and whose fault is that?”

“sorry,” you mumble. “it’s not like i was trying to get us here.”

“really? because it’s startin’ to seem like you are. not that i blame ya, if i were you i’d do anything to spend more time with the great mammon.” he gives you a smile, and you really hope that means he isn’t mad

“i really don’t like upsetting people, i just don’t really get tone? i didn’t even realize the teacher was mad until you stepped in. “

“dude, she was on the verge of killing ya! what do ya mean you “didn’t even realize”?

you pinch the bridge of your nose in frustration. “it’s part of a disorder i have. autism. i just don’t get some stuff that comes naturally to other people.”

“ohhh.” mammon slaps his head, feeling like an idiot. “sorry,” he murmurs, and you barely hear it

mammon, being, well, mammon, will probably forget.

it’s not that he doesn’t care! it’s just not something that comes up in conversation.

of course, when the two of you do talk about it, he picks up on the symptoms pretty quickly. he’s a pretty smart guy, and he’ll do anything and everything for his human

the two of you are working on a co-op dungeon while you talk about your current special interest

“wow, MC, you know a lot about this!”

“thanks,” you respond, and it hits you - you’ve been infodumping almost this whole time

“haha, yeah, blame it on the autism brain,” you joke absentmindedly, not really caring if he knew. you two were good friends, why would being neurodivergent make a difference?

levi, on the other hand, does a double take. being the gamer he is, he’d definitely heard the word used as an insult, but he’d never thought about anyone actually having autism - much less his best friend

“MC, you have autism?” he turns to you looking genuinely confused, his controller sitting, forgotten, in his lap

“um, yeah? it’s not really a big deal,” you say, shrugging

“yeah it is! i mean i knew you were pretty weird, since you hang out with me-” he stops mid-sentence, realizing his mistake. “NOT IN A BAD WAY, OF COURSE! ah sorry, i said something stupid, like always.”

you shake your head with a small smile. you can tell he’s trying. “trust me, i’ve heard much worse. you’re fine, levi.”

he glances up at you, face red from embarrassment, and your smile widens. “i mean, i don’t think like ‘normal’ people anyway, so yeah, i kinda am weird.”

once you leave his room, he’s at his pc, researching more vigorously that he’s ever done for a class

the more he learns, the more annoyed he gets at the complete misunderstanding of the disorder

ultimately, he just wants to make sure you feel supported and understood

you’re sitting in the library, doing your homework while satan looks over your essay, checking for errors

“oi, MC”

“what’s up?” you respond, still focused on your work

“are you scared of me?”

this prompts you to look up, focusing your eyes on his hands

“i was when i first came here, and i definitely would be scared if i really pissed you off, but no, i’m not scared of you. why do you ask?”

“you never look me in the eyes. or my brothers, actually.”

oh. you’d been hoping no one had noticed. “oh, i just don’t like eye contact. it makes me uncomfortable.” you return your eyes to your paper, hoping that was enough.

“how so?”

so it wasn’t enough.

“i’m autistic, genius. i figured it was obvious by now.”

“oh. that makes sense.” that’s all he says, so you try to return your focus to your homework.

satan is probably the most comfortable talking to you about it. he’ll ask you questions about your personal experiences and make an effort to understand you better

one day you look over his shoulder to find him reading an article on masking on his DDD

he cares deeply for you, even if it’s hard for him to say so

asmo has wrangled you into yet another shopping trip

“MC, look at this!! you have to try it on!”

one look at the article of clothing and your face is already scrunching up

“absolutely not.”

“awe, why not?” he gives you the biggest puppy eyes and you sigh. he knows your weaknesses.

“the material. i hate it.”

“but it would look so good on you~”

clearly, he’s not going to give up unless you explain yourself to him

“sure, for a couple seconds, until i have a complete meltdown,” you remark. “i’m autistic, so some textures just make me feel really bad.”

his mouth makes an ‘o’ shape, and then he goes back to looking confused. “i hadn’t even thought about that as a possibility! you should’ve said something earlier!”

he feels really bad about all the times he’s touched you without warning. he thought your shock was cute (and he still does), but he knows that autistic people sometimes dislike touch - he’s definitely had at least a couple autistic ‘partners’ in the past

he’s quite the observant demon, quickly picking up on sensations you d and don’t like. if you’re bothered by smells, he does his best to lay off on the perfume - granted, it’s a necessary part of his routine that he absolutely cannot give up completely. he lets you play with the dimmer in his room so you can find the amount of light that works best.

occasionally, he’ll have to tell you that he’s trying his absolute best to flirt and you are giving him nothing. you’re just like “oh shit i didn’t realize”

asmo’s just a sweetheart who wants you to be comfortable

beel unfortunately has to learn about your autism because of a situation out of your control

you’re in the gym, keeping him company while he works out

you’re searching his bag and you realize you don’t have your headphones

oh fuck.

you always bring your headphones to the gym; the sounds of televisions, music, people talking, weights clinking, treadmills rumbling... it’s too much

not to mention the stench of sweat and the florescent lights - truly an autistic person’s nightmare

you squeeze you eyes shut, but that only makes the noise worse. you’re surrounded by noise and you can’t stop it. it occurs to you that you’re no longer breathing properly but it’s just too loud and you’re so small

“MC?” beel’s voice is soft and filled with obvious concern. you open your eyes, seeing him kneeling in front of you. your eyes sting, and you realize you’re tearing up. “MC, are you alright?”

all you can do is shake your head

“do you want to go home?” you nod, biting your lip as he stands up, making you feel even smaller.

he quickly packs his things into his bag and offers you a hand, helping you get up

he quickly escorts you outside, where you practically gulp for air.

he waits patiently with you while you slowly ground yourself.

“okay, let’s go home.” you explain sensory overload as you walk, then tell him about your autism

beel, like asmo, is very observant and he learns surprisingly fast.

he’s also very protective of you. if someone triggers you, he won’t hesitate to tell them off before doing a grounding exercise with you

he’s basically you’re giant therapy demon and you love him for it

it’s becoming way too much. you’ve been masking heavily for months, monitoring your every move while doing your absolute best to thrive in a (literally) completely different universe than what you’re used to

you’re laying facedown on the couch, practically unable to move. you want to go to your room, but your body won’t let you

“mc?” you hear belphegor’s voice. “are you trying to imitate me?” he teases

you simply groan in response, not wanting to bother

for a moment he goes silent. then, you feel a hand on your shoulder

you jolt up, swiping his hand away as you let out a small shout. belphie’s eyes are widened in surprise

“don’t touch me! ...please,” you add as an afterthought, feeling bad for scaring him

he sits with you on the couch, taking care to leave space between the two of you. “what’s wrong?” you don’t respond. “mc?”

“burnout. too much. feel bad.”

belphie has absolutely no clue what that means, but he figures he knows something that might help.

“want to take a nap with me?”

you have to think about it before responding with a “sure” and slowly crawling into his arms (if that’s something you’re okay with)

it’s night when the two of you wake up. you still feel awful, but you can at least cope better.

once belphie’s more awake, he asks you what the hell happened

“two words: autistic shutdown”

“that doesn’t explain anything” - belphie really doesn’t know anything about humans

you do your best to explain - you were born with a brain that works a bit differently than most humans. some of the symptoms are an aversion to change and ‘odd’ behavior that’s difficult to hide. when you get too stressed, you just kinda ‘shut down’

he takes a bit to really understand, but once he does, he does his best to support you.

he falls asleep to your infodumping and you find it endearing

he gets good at recognizing when you’re starting to shut down and he always convinces you to take a break via a cuddly nap

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t4tlawlight · 4 years

Photo

Occam's razor is the principle that, of two explanations that account for all the facts, the simpler one is more likely to be correct.

this post is going to cover traits specific to the manga and the television drama, since those are the best adaptations to showcase L’s autism. THIS POST is required reading before you read anything i’m about to type, because it explains what kind of character niche L falls into--an unintentionally autistic coded character. i’ll talk more about that at the end.

i’m going to talk about manga L first, since he’s the original version after all. i’m going to go in order of physical traits, to behavioral, to his character writing. also, tumblr eats posts that have outside links, so i’m going to have my non-tumblr sources in a separate post, here.

anyways, more under the cut!

MANGA/ANIME:

sitting with his legs up and spine bent / sitting on the floor

this is such a big one and its extremely common in ppl with autism. sitting in chairs normally is uncomfortable to outright painful w many ppl with these disorders, myself included. L sitting like that (which, to recall, is a blatant homage to sherlock holmes, another character that is so blatantly autistic coded you can find absolutely ridiculous amounts of writing on the topic) and being like "I HAVE TO SIT LIKE THIS TO THINK PROPERLY" is so autistic. like sitting in a certain way to give you specific sensory stimulus/avoid distracting discomfort and pain is a thing. i found this post (1) written by an autistic person on the topic of sitting in chairs being uncomfortable, and it says as much:

“I suspect that seating discomfort is common in autism (though by no means limited to autistic people). Many of us, particularly as children, benefit greatly from chairs designed to be non-stationary: rocking chairs, “fidget” chairs, and so forth. These can improve focus, compensate for proprioceptive hypo-sensitivity, and alleviate restlessness. In short, many “attention issues” can be fixed simply by providing a little motion for the person sitting. Small change, huge results. That's what accommodations do at their best. They make (often minor) adjustments that have profound impacts.”

so when L says that sitting the way he does, for a specific sensory experience, improves his ability to think, it’s perfectly in line with this idea. Also it’s a good pressure stim.

standing with a slouch / shifting his weight around

to begin: yes! it’s very common for autistic people to stand or walk oddly for a number of different reasons, from physical comorbidity to other issues such as dyspraxia (see: movie L). From an article by YAI (2), an I/DD (intellectual and/or developmental disabilities) community program:

“Kyphosis (a curved spine), collapsed chest, dropped shoulders and even scoliosis are observed in many of our patients. These myriad of postural issues may result from reduced strength, decreased biomechanical stability, or from a sensory impairment, such as apraxia.

Depending on the scene, L has mild to severe kyphosis which is very common in autistic individuals. Other things mentioned in that article if you want to click on it is instability in standing, where you sort of shift your weight around a lot between your feet or rest all of your weight on one foot, which L is literally doing the first time we see all of him.

speaking with a monotone voice.

i obviously can’t show a picture for this one and it honestly depends on the voice actor you find for L, but in the anime in particular L has a very flat tone. a lot of this is bc he has a dry sense of humor but. just know that it’s very common for autistic people to have a flat affect (or go the other way into being too loud/emotive).

his eating habits.

a lot (a LOT) of autistic ppl myself included can only eat certain kinds of food for texture and flavor reasons. HOWEVER there’s a term in the autism community called “samefoods” which is really well put by tumblr users candidlyautistic and autism-asks:

“Samefoods or samefooding is a community word to describe the autistic trait of eating the same food over, and over and over . . . It is part sensory, part routine driven in most cases. A lot of times we samefood because we need that particular mouthfeel / texture / taste, and a lot of times even after that need passes, it turns into a need for routine until you actively dislike that food again.”

“Samefooding on the other hand is closer to a special interest. When I have a samefood (chocolate ice cream, currently), I really, really want that food. I could eat that food endlessly and not get tired of it. I will get upset if I’m not able to have the food in a day. For me, it usually is kind of routine based as well. For instance, with my current samefood, I have some in the evenings and it’s become part of how I wind down from my day.”

we don’t know exactly why L specifically desires sweet food or if he considers it part of his routine, but what we do know is that he really wants to eat sweet food and avoids eating anything other than sweet food, so it could either be that he’s a picky eater and can’t handle savory or he’s samefooding on sweets!

wearing the same clothes

L wears the same clothes every single day. It’s also worth noting that what he does wear is baggy, too-big clothing, the kind that wouldn’t be tight and uncomfortable. once again, sensory issues are a huge thing for autistic individuals. one of my favorite aspects is that in no adaptation does he wear socks. even L wears shoes, he wears them like slippers, not putting them on all the way. people comment that he seems like he’s poor, but we know for a fact that he’s very rich and that wearing these clothes is a personal choice he made.

not caring for himself/outsourcing his self-care

i don’t think one day is exactly canon, rather it’s an exaggeration of what might actually happen--i.e. L doesn’t have a huge closet full of the same outfit, but he does have several versions of the same outfit on rotation; L doesn’t use a human washing machine, but Watari might help him/encourage him to bathe regularly. One Day is a parody comic, but it was made by the creators for a reason and that reason is that L pretty obviously relies on a caretaker (Watari) for his personal needs. Watari, in the manga proper, cooks and cleans and does most things for L. we’ll come back to this topic when we get to the drama though.

doing stimming behaviors

if you don’t know what stimming is, it refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. everyone stims to some extent, but in autism it tends to be more obvious, go on for longer, and sometimes be more disruptive to others. it’s often used to help deal with sensory overload, or used to express feelings--think of an autistic person being happy and flapping their hands in the air.

there are a LOT of instances of L displaying stimming behavior, from stacking his food or things on his desk, to spinning in his chair, to biting his fingers/using them to press on his lips, to wriggling and tapping his toes. here are some specific instances:

there are a lot more. i’ll talk about more when we get to dramaverse, but if you rewatch/reread death note it’s definitely worth noting whenever L does something like this!

detective work as a special interest

ok, first and foremost i want to establish what a special interest is. Tumblr user cartoon has my favorite explanation of what a special interest is that i’ve seen to date:

“To have a deep, intense, passionate and incredibly focused / narrowed interest in a certain area of study, subject, topic or thing - to the exclusion of other interests. This interest is something that exists for the long-term, most often lasting for multiple months, years, or even you’re entire life “

L says that he only does detective work because it’s a hobby, and he finds it entertaining. We’ve also seen that he’s been at it for quite some time--if you take side content (the wammy’s house comic, LABB) seriously, then he’s been at it since childhood, with unwavering interest. it definitely comes across to me as L having a special interest in detective work, rather than it just being a normal hobby or a job for him, especially since he says it isn’t out of any moral obligation.

germaphobia

Germaphobia is very common for individuals with autism. a lot of the time it’s actually sensory issues associated with “dirty” things, and a lot of the time it’s because features of OCD are heavily comorbid with autism, including contamination OCD and such fears. regardless of the reason, though, L’s aversion to touching Bad Things is a very autistic behavior, and so is his resulting quirk that he tends to hold things in a very odd manner!

muted emotional expression

this is getting more into L’s character, but L tends to feel and express emotions in a very muted way. not to say he doesn’t have them, but for instance in the example above, L doesn’t have a solid grasp on what exactly he’s feeling. he thinks he might be acting irrationally and overemotionally because he logically should be afraid, but he isn’t sure, and none of these emotions present themselves visibly.

i’ve also seen it said that Ukita’s death is another good example of his muted response to emotion--he tells Aizawa to stay rational and his voice doesn’t waver as he tells him as much, but he holds himself tightly. for someone with poor emotional competence, these physical signs of distress can be hard to read in oneself, but Aizawa (a man who is extremely in-tune with his emotions) can tell immediately.

high logic, low empathy

L is also a character who, like many autistic people, lacks a certain degree of empathy. it’s not that he doesn’t have any, but it’s limited enough--and he values logic over it enough--that he’s willing to make extreme decisions and take a “ends justify the means” approach (such as using people as bait.) in the example above, L takes a moment to work through what it must actually feel like, which rings as very autistic.

bluntness/not caring about social convention

there are so many examples of this i honestly could list them all day, but L is a character who is very to-the-point and doesn’t care about mincing his words. he can be outright rude to the people around him, especially if he considers them not worth basic courtesy. see: Matsuda.

DRAMAVERSE

if you all knew me you should have known this section is inevitable. i’m not going to talk about every single adaptation because i do not have the time and the only other adaptation that is meaningful in that regard is the movieverse (i am fairly certain that movie L is dyspraxic) but on account of the fact that i don’t care about them i won’t subject you all to them here.

anyway, drama L shows much the same traits as animanga L above (they are, after all, technically the same character) but he displays them in different ways.

he has a much more advanced degree of germaphobia, with Watari saying he’s sensitive to outside air and spraying everyone who enters his space with disinfectant, but not making them wash their hands or anything like that, so we can kind of tell that his issues are more rooted, again, in a fear of germs rather than any actual medical issue. he wants to feel as though he is clean, not necessarily actually be clean. this is very common in contamination OCD, which has a high comorbidity with autism. (my girlfriend has a very good headcanon post about drama L and OCD that isn’t so much analysis than just plain fun, but it’s worth a read!)

he stims, but he has a different array of stims than animanga L--he chews on his jelly pouch bottles,

he tosses it between his hands,

he kicks his feet,

and he bounces in his chair.

he still sits in an unconventional manner. he still samefoods, this time even more exclusively--he only eats Lucky Charge jelly pouches and nutritional bars. Watari onscreen puts his shirts on for him, as well as cooking, cleaning, and mending his clothes for him.

however, there are a few traits that are drama-exclusive that i think really add to an analysis of his autism!

social scripting

social scripting and echolalic scripting are both commonly described as “scripting,” but are very different! echolalic scripting is like echolalia, but echolalic scripting is the recitation of longer passages of dialogue from things the individual has heard before. but social scripting is when you memorize common conversations so you can rattle it off without worrying too much! this can be very handy, such as exchanging basic pleasantries or ordering food, but it can also backfire if someone responds in a way your script’s not set up for. you can find more information on the difference in this video (3).

now, this relates to L in that there are two separate scenes where L says the same thing, rather inappropriately:

L: When I consider Kira’s personality, could it be that the strong-willed daughter is Kira? Or could that sweet-looking son of yours surprise us by proving to be him? You never know what humans are hiding beneath the surface... Soichiro: Enough. L: Sorry. It was just a joke.

-- Episode 2

L: Light-kun. Oh, I’m sorry... If I called you “Yagami-san,” it would be the same as what I call your father. Light: That’s okay. Call me whatever you want. L: Then what about Kira? (silence) L: It's a joke.

-- Episode 4

one could say that L just has a terrible sense of humor--and, of course, having a poor grasp of humor is common with autistic individuals--but the fact that he says nearly the same thing as a defense twice makes me feel as though he has it rehearsed as a defense when people react poorly to things he’s said, which happens often.

mirroring and echolalia

echolalia was briefly covered in the previous example, but for those unaware, via wikipedia (4):

Echolalia is the unsolicited repetition of vocalizations made by another person (when repeated by the same person, it is called palilalia). In its profound form it is automatic and effortless.

mirroring, on the other hand, is explained as such, also via wikipedia (5):

Mirroring is the behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family. The concept often affects other individuals' notions about the individual that is exhibiting mirroring behaviors, which can lead to the individual building rapport with others.

both of these are very common in autism, and they’re exemplified while L’s character is established watching his favorite TV show, Owarai Paradise. On one occasion, he’s watching the show and this dialogue happens:

Hiroshi: Despite never telling her how I felt, I still got dumped. I am Hiroshi. Watari: Who was this one again? L: He is Hiroshi. Hiroshi: I am Hiroshi. I am Hiroshi.

-- Episode 2

it’s important to note that in Japanese, “He is Hiroshi” and “I am Hiroshi” are said, at least in this instance, exactly the same, so L is echoing precisely what he’s heard.

On another occasion, L is again watching the show with a glass of wine (seemingly acquired simply to imitate the characters onscreen, as he never drinks it) and when the characters onscreen toast their glasses, L does the same, mirroring them.

CONCLUSION

I linked a post at the very beginning of this analysis talking about how characters are unintentionally autistic coded, and it’s important to understand how this unintentional coding is different from a headcanon--i didn’t make up these traits. they aren’t something that only exist in my head that i ascribe to L for fun.

i made this analysis both because i wanted to share L’s autistic coding in one cohesive place, because plenty of people have made lists before, but none that i could find that included so many examples with images and explanations--and i also made it because of the old ryuzaki persona “theory.”

for those unaware, the ryuzaki persona headcanon suggests that L faked all of these traits in order to make people uncomfortable, to put them off-guard and better mask his identity. i’ve seen posts about people claiming that nobody could actually behave in these ways, that L would surely be unhappy and uncomfortable sitting like that, or eating like that, or engaging in any of these behaviors. I’ve seen some people outright say that L isn’t autistic, but his persona is--that is, he’s pretending to be autistic.

i named this essay “occam’s razor” because, to me, L being autistic is the simplest answer to account for all of these traits. claiming that an autistic coded character is faking it is ableist and it just doesn’t make sense with anything else we know about his character.

but if you want to know more about that, i recommend reading eyecicles’ first!L tag. it’s debunked it in more ways than i ever could.

anyways, in conclusion

#death note #death note drama #death note analysis #L lawliet

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jasmine-the-fox · 4 years

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Autism can’t be treated!!!

OK so... When I was 11 there was an attempt to diagnose me with autism... It failed and we left it be until at the age of 18 and in high school, someone believed I had autism so I got tested and was confirmed at the age of 19 with autism spectrum... I looked online and there are no diets, no exercise routine, no food restriction plan and no medication that can cure it... Adding the fact that some parents think there so smart by self-diagnosing there kids with autism... So here another salt fic starring me!!

Jasmine never thought anything strange would happen until the second week after she told the class about her autism, it all started on a Friday when Alya came up to her about the pool party they were having on Saturday, Jas not liking last minute plans of any kind said she wasn’t going... Causing the class to get mad at her and demand answers... So she gave them an answer.

“I’m sorry but your telling me this at the last possible minute, I didn’t know about your pool party until now and I already had plans for tomorrow, plus changing my plans all of a sudden causes me stress because I have autism... If you had asked me weeks ago I would have said yes” she explained as the bell then rang to end the day so everyone could head home for the weekend, Alya was pissed at Jasmine’s explanation and wondered if it had something to do with the three bullies of there class (Chloe, Sabrina and Marinette)

So while Jasmine was with her friends, Chloe, Sabrina, Marinette, Luka, Kagami, Marc, Aurore, Mireille and Felix... The class was at the pool furious at Jas from what Lila says “I used to have autism myself, but for a year and a half I took this medication and was cured of it, to think she would still blame everything on her autism when she could have gotten it treated is horrible!” Alya asked her if she had the medicine but Lila claimed she got them for each month.

So they formed a plan, for now Lila couldn’t get the “medicine” until the week after, but when she does they planned to everyday leave her one with a note making her take it, then at the start and end of each month they will talk to her at the last minute about plans and see if she starts to get better “It’s the best way to get her started when it works, once she agrees to come and is fine we can start going further” Lila claimed making them agree to the plan as they tried to work on who would leave the note and “medicine” on Jasmine’s desk.

Jas didn’t understand on Monday why the class acted so strange all of a sudden, the fact they spoke about her in whispers made her nervous and she wasn’t excited to know what they were planning, even so she focused on her own thing and got to studying and meeting with her friends to talk about what they wanted to do next, she was excited and couldn’t wait to have fun with them once again heck Chloe had planned for the roof of the hotel to be reserved for them to have fun and she couldn’t wait to relax on the roof and in the pool with them.

And then it started.

The next Monday, she got to school and found a note with what looked to be a candy shaped like a pill on her desk, the note was from Rose saying how she hoped this note helped make her day and Jas was so confused that while she did eat the candy she threw the note away, it didn’t make sense to her at all... But she got this everyday, everyday she would go to her seat and someone she wasn’t friends with would leave her a note with a candy of some kind and they would act like when she ate it that it was the best things ever, still she left it all be and focused on her own thing.

Then a couple of weeks later Alya came over again, she talked about this new horror movie that came out and she couldn’t wait for her to join... Once again she refused, claimed it was last minute, she would be stressed, she has an autism and she hates horror movies, class ended and she walked out of class getting ready to head home, Alya was pissed that the “medicine” wasn’t working but Lila explained “The pills take time Alya, remember? It took me a year and a half before I was cured of my autism... Who knows? Maybe it will take less time for Jasmine... Or longer” she explained as they all headed home.

After that the class decided to talk to Jas at the last minute about plans for the weekend twice a month, once at the start and once at the end of the month to see how she was doing... But there were no changes at all, the class still listened to Lila about how the medicine takes time to work and claimed they should start small, but Alya ignored her words and told the class to keep inviting her at the last minute to things and see how it goes in the end, with time Jasmine began to not understand the pills and decided to secretly pocket one to get answers “I brought this back with me” she said while showing the candy in her hand “It’s always there with a note from someone in the class and I don’t know why and what it is” she explained as Felix took it with the promise of getting answers.

A few days later he had the answer “It’s a candy from Italy, I presume Lila must have had them shipped to her and more then likely made the class believe it was something else” he explained as Chloe then took an extra Jas brought to try like the others before spitting it in the trash “It’s not even that good... Why give these to you?” she asked as they all did the same “I don’t know, I also don’t like them but I eat them to be nice, the only thing I know is that they look like medicine” she said making Sabrina wonder if they had some kind of plan connected to these little candies.

Still the candies kept on coming, and since Jas now knew what they were she decided to secretly collected them just in case while Felix order some candies just in case, slowly a year had gone by and she still got these candies and instead Jasmine began to take pictures in secret while editing the picture to say the day the picture was taken just in case before getting rid of everything... The class still spoke to her about last minute things she was invited to and she still refused and repeated the same thing, stress and autism... She was certain Alya and the class were getting pissed at her... But mostly Alya.

Slowly another year was close to it’s end... Alya was her limit as Jas wasn’t getting any better and she was done since Jasmine once again gave the same excuse for the before summer dance “Were making her go! Adrien will pick me and Nino up and then will stop by Jasmine’s place and i’ll grab her! We just need to keep her there” she claimed and everyone agreed and for the first time ever... Lila was scared of being found out for her lies.

She was certain that Alya’s plan would be her downfall.

Jasmine was so excited, today she was dressed to head on a triple date (her with Luka, Mari with Felix and Chloe with Kagami) she was wearing a nice outfit Chloe got her and she was so excited to show off, she had just gotten outside to wait for Mari to join her when a limo stopped right before her and Alya jumped out and grabbed her to get into the limo that then drove, she tried to make her let her go but Nino and Adrien moved to help her, she was shocked in what they were doing as took her to the school gym for the before summer dance, once in Kim and Ivan blocked the doors as the girls rushed over to her with Alya beside her talking about her happy they were she was here.

She tried to get out, but every possible exit were blocked, she could feel a panic attack coming as she quickly went into the bathroom to message her friends on the situation and begging for help because of what the class was doing to her right now, once done Alya came in with a smile “Come on Jas! Dancing will be amazing and Adrien will be happy to finally get to be with you!” she claimed with a smile as Lila looked panicked at what Alya was planning.

Once on the dancefloor, Jasmine was moved around until she got dizzy and just felt like she would faint, then Adrien grabbed her... She really wanted to leave and was trying to find an exit, she could hear the class getting upset with her for not trying, Alya yelling at her to focus on Adrien, her phone filming them, Lila yelling at them to leave her alone and Adrien trying to get her attention... She was at her limit, she couldn’t take much more of this at all, she then her the door slam open.

And then nothing but silence and darkness.

By the time she came to, she was in a hospital, her throat was very dry and she saw her friends in the room, the first thing she did was ask for water, then she asked for the doctor to ask what was her condition... Simple enough she was over stressed and lacking water so she needed to hydrate herself some more before being allowed to leave, once gone she asked her friends what happened after she collapsed.

After she had messaged them, Sabrina called her dad about everything, Chloe told her father, Felix, Kagami and Luka told there mother’s while Marinette called Nadja about needing to leave Manon alone with her parents for a bit, when the gang got there, Luka and Felix worked together to get in, by the time Luka got to her, Jas was on the floor, puke was by her with Adrien and Alya covered a bit in it, Felix moved to check on her and began to quickly yell for an ambulance because Jas was breathing weakly.

Officer Roger demanded answers on who’s idea it was to force an autistic person to be so overly stressed to have a panic attack, once no one answered and the gang got Jasmine out, the mayor asked again “It was Alya’s idea!” everyone turned to Lila “Alya planned this! She said she with Nino and Adrien would grab Jasmine from her home and force here, all exits needed to be blocked so she couldn’t leave was also her idea!” she admitted and with that Alya was cuffed with Nino and Adrien being done the same for they helped her.

The class was all at the police station being questioned after there parents arrive, from what Sabrina found out, the class was blaming Lila for everything while Lila claimed Alya caused Jasmine’s panic attack, three days later, Jasmine was in front of Lila’s building complex, she had to find out why she would make her have Italian candies and what she did “Hello, are you looking for someone?” she turned to find a woman who looked like Lila to her surprise “I’m just here to ask questions to Lila Rossi” she replied making the woman blink and have her follow her inside “I’m her mother actually, I presume it’s about the before summer dance incident?” she asked and Jasmine nodded.

Once inside, Lila comes out of her room to find Jasmine “I’m guessing you want answers” she said making Jasmine nod as the three sit down at a table, Jas pulls out the little bag of candies she collected “What did you make the class think these were?” she first asked making Lila look down while her mother looked at them “I lied about having autism, claimed these candies were pills I took for a year and a half to be cured” she explained as her mother dropped the bag on the floor.

“They had me get one everyday hopping to “fix” me... But it was a lie and because of you I had kidnapped to go to the before summer dance, had a severe panic attack and puked” Jas hissed as Lila’s mother looked to be shaking with anger as Lila nodded, Jasmine demanded that Lila admits everything and her mother agreed so Lila did as told, she went to the school and admitted everything was a lie, then she went to the police station and told them it was her fault that Jasmine had a panic attack.

As a result, the mayor didn’t think Paris was safe so he had her deported back to Italy, after that he had the class be punished for what they caused Jas, of course Alya and Adrien tried to force her to pay for there clothes but Chloe told them how it was there own fault they pushed Jas to have a panic attack in the first place, after that the class got sued for everything they did to Jas and Mari after Lila lied about them... There parents were having them pay back for anything they destroyed, some were forced to work and were punished for there actions while Jas and Mari ended up happy.

When school started again, Adrien tried to get Jas to date him... Only to see her with Luka all happy as they headed to class, when he turned to Mari he saw her with Felix so he turned to get answers from Chloe or Kagami only for them to ignore him and leave him there... He was so pissed about that, but with time students heard about what Caline’s class did to Jas during the before summer dance and they all protected her and her friends and kept the class away from them... Then five years later, Caline’s class either worked in a way there dream job (well not there dream job but something connected to what they love) or they worked something they never wanted to do.

Meanwhile, Jas and her friends had massive success in life, each of them had amazing jobs and had the perfect life that Caline’s class envied.

Goes to show that they should have never thought Jasmine’s autism could be cured.

Do you guys see where I went with this fic? See, I was diagnosed 2 years ago when I was 19 of autism spectrum, I found out many things that I do or did were normal to people with autism... But when I explain this to others they say this “You can’t blame it on your autism” which the thing is... I wasn’t, all I did was explain to people that this is natural to those with autism like me, and here’s the thing everyone, if you self diagnosed your kid with autism... Your wrong and need to have them tested by a professional or it won’t end so well, also there is no diet or type of eating way that will help “weaken” your autism, only a medicine that between the age of 5 and 16 can be taken for a specific thing autistic people do or something therapists can have them do.

But that’s it! So don’t think there’s a vaccine being made or a medicine! Cause there isn’t! So listen to me when I say that your crazy to think that! Autism isn’t caused by a way of eating, a vitamin of any kind, an activity you do, a routine you have or being in the sun!!! It’s genetic!!! Simple as that! GENETIC! And if you think other wise then look it up on our good friend google!!!

#miraculous ladybug #salt fic #lila salt #adrien salt #alya salt #Jasmine salt #autism #autism spectrum disorder #lies #lila gets exposed #False treatment #candies #events #parties #kidnapping #stress #hospital #court

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specialagentlokitty · 4 years

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Shaun Murphy x reader - Nervously in love

Hey! I saw you wanted for requests for The Good Doctor, and I thought I would send a request! 😊 Can you please write a fic with Shaun x Female reader, where the reader is a new nurse who’s shy with social anxiety, and she forms a friendship with Shaun, who has autism in canon, and they both eventually fall in love with each other. Thank you! 💕 - Anon❤️

You stood nervously, shifting on your feet as you hid behind Andrews. As he put it, Dr Glassman had is pet project, which was an autistic surgeon called Shaun, and he had his, You, a nurse with social anxiety.

He called you his pet project but you knew he was just doing his best to help you, you’d known him a long time.

“This is Nurse (Y/N) (L/N), she’ll be working closely with your team Melendez, she as social anxiety so best to keep an eye out.”

Andrews turned to you and placed a confronting hand on your shoulder making you jump and tense up slightly, the laxed his grip but didn’t remove his hand.

“If it gets too much come to my office, alright?”

You nodded your head shyly and watched him go, leaving you standing there awkwardly on your own as you avoided the eyes of your supervisor.

“Well, it’s a relatively quiet night, follow me and I’ll introduce you to the others.”

You nodded your head and trailed behind Melendez fiddling with the hem of your uniform as you did, occasionally flicking your eyes to other workers or people who were already being attended to.

First Melendez brought you over to two other surgeons, both not much older than you, on tall Male and another female.

“Claire, Jared, this is (Y/N), she’ll be joint is as a nurse. Andrews has placed her with our team, I’ll be pairing her up with you two. If you ever find Shaun let him know.”

With that Melendez went to leave, but he quickly spun back around.

“Oh, and she has social anxiety.”

With that, he actually left, leaving you even more awkward and nervous. Your heart was pouring in your chest, your hands were clammy and your breathing quickened a little.

“I’ll take her Jared, you find wherever Shaun went.”

“Okay.” Jared turned to you, “it’s Uhm... nice to meet you?”

You simply nodded your head in response and listened to his steps fade away. Claire took you by the hand and pulled you behind a curtain.

“Just breathe, it’s okay.” She said gently.

You focused on your breathing, doing the breathing exercises you were taught, and after a couple of minutes your breathing went back to normal.

You opened your mouth but no words came out, so you looked away defeatedly. Claire gave you a comforting smile and gestured to the ward.

“Shall we?”

You nodded, thankful she understood.

For a few hours you both checked up on patients, ran a few tests and gave a few results, and as the sun started to come up, Jared came back with another man in tow.

This man had his hands clasped in front of him, he wasn’t looking at anyone and when he stood still he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet slight, but as soon his his gaze briefly met yours, you both looked away.

“You’re new.” He said in a flat tone.

You nodded your head and fumbled for you badge, taking it off to hand to him with shaky hands, and ever so gently he took it, read it and gave it back.

“You have social anxiety.” He said again, “does this make you uncomfortable?”

You shrugged a little, trying to calm your beating heart.

“Do you like talking to people?” He asked.

Again you shrugged.

“Can we be friends?”

This time you hesitated but shyly nodded, flicking your gaze around the room until it landed on Andrews who was waiting by the doors with your things.

“Shaun that’s enough.” Jared whispered, “you have to go?” He asked you.

You nodded your head and gave them all a timid wave before rushing over to Andrews, hiding behind him as you left the building.

“How was it?” He asked.

You climbed into his car and let you a deep breath.

“Hard.” You said quietly.

Andrews pat your arm and started the car up.

“You get there.”

You nodded and gazed out the window, eyes drooping as you slipped to sleep.

Even after nearly a year you still struggled with your anxiety, you hated the canteen, and busy wards, you hardly talked to Melendez, Jared and Claire, but you and Shaun had become really close.

“Shaun!” You called softly as you rushed through the halls.

The man in front of you stopped and smiled as you came closer, both of you started to walk side by side.

“Hello (Y/N), are you nervous today?” He asked.

“How’d you know?” You asked quietly.

Shaun stopped and gestured to you fiddling with the hem of you uniform.

“You play the bottom of your shirt, it stops you from scratching your arms.”

You sighed a little and nodded your head, Shaun reached out touched your arm and patted it awkwardly.

“It’s okay, I get nervous sometimes too.”

You smiled a stuffed your hands into your pockets as the pair of you started to walk again.

“I’ve got a patient to check up on, wanna come?” You asked him.

“Yes please!” Shaun beamed.

You and Shaun worked well, you didn’t have to talk while he was in with a patient, he just rambles what you had to do while talking to them. And when you had to check up on someone he talked to them while you did what you had to do.

Melendez saw an improvement in both your work when you were working as a team, so he always paired you up, and Claire and Jared were happy to see you coming out of your shell.

“You should ask Shaun out.” Claire said in the girls changing room.

You spun around wide eyed, face flushed with embarrassment.

“Y.. you.. think he’d say yes...?” You asked nervously.

“I think he likes you the same way you like him.” She smiled.

“Y.. you don’t know that...?”

Claire day next to you on the bench and placed her hand in yours, giving it a light squeeze.

“I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” She laughed.

You puffed your cheeks and shyly nodded, thinking it over. You might do.

As you fished changing, you grabbed your things and headed outside, smiling at Shaun as he waited for you and both of you started to make your way out of the hospital.

“Why do you look embarrassed?” He asked.

Your eyes widened and you heart sped up a little bit. You shyly looked away and started to play with the hem of your shirt as both of you went outside.

Dr Glassman was waiting for Shaun and Andrews was waiting for you, but Shaun didn’t go, he stood in front of you with a curious look.

“Why are you nervous?”

You gulped and took a deep breath.

“W.. would you.. maybe.. like.. to go for dinner sometime..” you asked quietly.

You asked so quietly you though he didn’t hear you, but when you glanced at his face you saw his happy expression and his eyes quickly my yours before looking away.

“Like a date?”

You nodded your head with a small smile.

“Yeah.. like a date..”

Shaun laughed a little and clapped his hands a bit, jumping up and down a few times before he stopped.

“I would like that very much!” He exclaimed.

You beamed brightly and let your fear go when he said that.

“So would I...”

You reached out but stopped, letting your hand fall.

“Can I hug you?”

Shaun brought his hands to his chest and nodded his head once.

“Okay.”

You slowly reached out, wrapping your arms around him in a light embrace, he awkwardly pay your back a few times before you let him go, both of you still smiling.

You heard people coming closer and turned to face the two older doctors.

“What’s going on here then? Why do you both look so happy?” Dr Glassman asked.

Your face flushed and you darted behind Andrews which made Glassman chuckle slightly.

“(Y/N) asked me on a date.” Shaun said proudly.

“Did she now?” Andrews smiled looking you.

You smiled sheepishly and nodded your head a little.

“I see, employees aren’t supposed to be in a relationship.” Andrews said.

Both yours and Shaun’s faces fell and Glassman rolled his eyes.

“Marcus.” He said softly.

“But, that’s only me or Glassman find out.” He winked at you.

You smilied brightly and hugged Andrews before waving bye to Shaun and rushing off, leaving a confused Shaun to ask Glassman what Andrews meant

#the good doctor #the good doctor x reader #the good doctor x you #the good doctor imagine #the good doctor shaun #shaun murphy #shaun murphy x reader #shaun murphy x you

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theanimeview · 3 years

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AnimeNEXT - Asexuality in the Anime Fandom - Discussion! (Not Notes?!)

By: Peggy Sue Wood | @pswediting

This was going to be a "Notes” post, but since no note-taking was done, I decided to invite you all into a discussion with me.

At AnimeNEXT this year (2021), James Williams hosted the panel “Asexuality in the Anime Fandom.” The panel description was as follows, “Many anime fans identify themselves as asexual, and many asexual characters appear in anime. Join a discussion about asexuality in the anime fandom, led by an openly asexual anime fan with autism who has enjoyed anime since childhood.”

Part One & Three (and subsequent parts) of the panel were just reflections by the host on their experience with asexuality--from finding themselves to finding the anime fandom and the experiences they have had in the community thus far. Part Two went into representation found in anime. In fact, the title of Part Two is: “What asexual representation can be found within anime and related fandoms?” In which, Williams discusses that there are a lot of characters that show ace-tendencies; however, as I continued to listen I decided I needed to step in (not literally) and address the topic.

This is a topic I--Peggy--am passionate about, which is why I want to open a discussion here and make my own additions.

When people generally talk about “ace-tendencies” in an anime or manga, they are often pointing to characters that don’t show an interest in forming a love-based relationship with another character. And that’s not--critically speaking--an asexual character.

Now, there is nothing wrong with seeing a part of yourself in a character or applying your own interpretation to one as Williams does in this panel. However, again--critically speaking--the standards for representation should at least be able to withstand scrutiny equal to a college level paper. (If my interpretation of Dr. Frankenstein displaying homosexual-tendencies had too--so should this, is my humble opinion.)

Plenty of people on a regular basis may have no interest in forming relationships with those around them. I know lots of people who didn’t date in high school because they weren’t ready and as an adult I’ve found even more that don’t want to be in relationship but do want to have sex. And, really, it’s the sex part that defines the character.

In the romance genre, we can’t say that characters like Makoto Sunakawa from My Love Story or Umetarou Nozaki from Monthly Girls' Nozaki-kun are asexual just because they don’t show sexual interest in another character. But people sometimes declare them to be asexual, when--in reality--we just don’t know. More likely than not, Umetarou Nozaki is just dumber than a doornail and busy with work/school so he's not focused on a relationship right now. And Makoto Sunakawa, who is constantly getting offers and recognizes that a lot of people just like him for his looks is probably less interested in sex or forming a relationship than others because he knows they don’t like him for him and because many of the girls offering are mean to his best friend. He does go out with Yukika Amami once, but ultimately rejects her feelings because he’s not interested in the relationship. Still, that is NOT a clear sign of asexuality.

In recent history, I can only think of a few really well implied asexual characters in media, one being the main character of the webnovel(?) I Became the First Prince in which a sword becomes human and literally shows no interest in people sexually despite having women regularly, verbally sexualized around him by other men and even some men being described very handsomely (at least not in the 150+ chapters I’ve read so far). It’s that overt introduction of sexual opportunity and the full lack of not only a response (blushing, commentary, etc.) but any lust-implied interest in another for their body. It’s just another person they care for but have no interest in physically pursuing. That, in my mind, is a representation of “ace-tendencies” unlike some of the examples given in the panel or in many listicles you may find online.

And, of course, characters like Izaya Orihara from Durarara!! who outright states asexuality (as in, he says he has no interest in males or females though he does not use the asexual label verbally), are legit representations. Another example would be Shouko Tanimoto from The Case Files of Jeweler Richard and I’m sure there are a few more. I think characters that the author has declared to be asexual could also count, although I usually leave out author statements (I’m a pretty die-hard supporter of the “death of the author” critical theory). Still, characters like Peridot from Steven Universe would count, by creator commentary, as would Alastor from Hazbin Hotel.

I’d be interested in hearing from you all about this subject. Both in terms of representation, whether or not the standards I’ve described match yours, and how you see representation in the medium--maybe your experiences in the fandom if you identify as ace. (Seriously, feel free to reply to this post, reblog with a comment, or reach out to me. I’d love to discuss it more.)

That being said, and in conclusion, I don’t think that this panel was really a discussion about asexuality in anime or the anime fandom so much as a discussion of the host/guest’s experiences. Was it a bad panel? No. It just is not a panel that required or invited a notes post. Nor did it really open a discussion as it was mostly two people reflecting and talking to each other about how they see representation and what their experiences have been.

So, what are your thoughts? I look forward to hearing them.

#notes #AnimeNEXT #Anime NEXT #spring 2021 #summer 2021 #Spring 2021 anime season #Summer 2021 kick-off #anime convention online #anime #anime convention #anime con #asexual #asexuality #ace #fandom #anime community #community #community culture #analysis

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komabaichirouu · 3 years

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Why Yuugo Hachiken and Aki Mikage are powerful neurodivergent cuties

Alternatively, "Zel rambles about Silver Spoon and showcases how much of a kinnie he is instead of doing his physics homework".

Anywayssss

As said in an earlier post I have receipts and I now will deliver them >:)

Starting with my precious boi, Yuugo Hachiken ~

Pic unrelated to the argument, I just think he looks neat.

Anyway, honestly my basis for this is mostly me self-projecting onto him. I'm starting with him because I have like One piece of evidence to go through before I get to Mikage.

SO during the horseback riding competition Hachiken is a nervous mess. But he doesn't want to lose, so he tries his best to focus.

Then he drops this fucking line:

Holy shit I wanna scream.

Blaming yourself for not being able to focus properly even after forcing yourseld to for years ? Hyperfocusing on one task for hours to the point where you completely forget your surroundings ? Being completed exhausted after that hyperfocused mood fades away to the point of passing out ? Having your anxiety essentially be your only drive to keep working your ass off ?

Hello?? That's me ??? That's my ADHD symptoms ???? That Is No Neurotypical Behaviour.

EDIT: ANOTHER POINT I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO ADD.

ADHDers tend to become people pleasers as a coping mechanisms.

Guess what Hachiken is ?

The guy who worked his ass off in middle school to keep meeting his dad's expectations concerning his grades ? The guy who literally ran away from his home to avoid dealing with the frustration of failing that goal ?

The fucking protag whose whole character arc is based on the fact that he has absolutely no fucking idea of what he will do in the future because he was so focused on pleasing his parents this whole time ???

HELLOOOOOO????

SO YEAH Hachiken has ADHD for this because I am a filthy kinnie.

Aight now that I'm done talking about him here comes the one I wanted to talk about in depth for a few months now, Aki Mikage 💞

She is 100% autistic and I actually have more than 1 pic to show this.

Okay so first of all her interest in horses definitely goes beyond Neurotypical Interest territory. Even Hachiken point this out. This bitch hyperfixated.

Look at the way she lights up when Ayame mentions liking horses???? She's so cute what the FUCK—

Ok anyways that's a big mood I make this exact face whenever I meet another Silver Spoon stan.

I don't have pictures for this BUT she started being interested in studying history only when Hachiken found ways to tie it all back to horses somehow, and once again that's a big mood. I keep forcing myself to do this otherwise I completely lose interest lmao.

ANYWAYS hyperfixations aside, it's made very clear that she can't read social cues at All. It's mostly just jokes about how she's oblivious to Hachiken's feelings but I still count that because I relate too.

I think this idea that a guy and a girl can't hang out as friends is kinda stupid but like, I kin Mikage and I'm not a normie cishet girl so, what would I know lmao

Anyway she very clearly states "I'm not good at stuff like that", AKA not good at reading between the lines. That's like Stereotypical Autism 101.

Anyway moving on from that, my next point I kinda talked about for a bit earlier is her bad grades.

Or rather the way she's literally deemed stupid by her family because of them, and she internalized that and ends up calling herself stupid too. (once again, no pics, but just fucking trust me I promise Im right)

I don't relate to that personally because I get good grades easily but like, once again that's a very common ND experience so I'm counting it.

Anyway yeah that's all I have to bring to the table.

TLDR; Yuugo Hachiken has ADHD and Aki Mikage is autistic because :

A) My ADHD/Autistic ass kins them to hell and back;

B) I fucking said so

Thank you all for coming to my TED Talk

#silver spoon #gin no saji #yuugo hachiken #hachiken yuugo #aki mikage #hiromu arakawa #adhd headcanon #autism headcanon #they are neurodivergent #neurodiverse character #because i said so

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calpalirwin · 4 years

Text

Papa’s Job

Summary: Mason gets introduced to Ashton’s line of work.

A/N: Smushed a few ideas together. Also this piece delves deeper into Mason’s special needs diagnosis/lack thereof. And while I’ve done a fair amount of research both over the years for various reasons, and while writing this, I am by no means an expert, and my research is no substitute for personal experience. So please, feel free to offer constructive and KIND feedback in ways I can better write Mason. Happy reading!

Word Count: ~2k

And away, and away we go!

It seemed to Vanessa like wherever she turned, Mason was underfoot. “Fuckin’ hell!” she swore as she turned and almost tripped over the little boy.

Mason’s bottom lip trembled as he clapped his hands over his ears at her outburst.

She sighed and crouched down in front of the almost three year old, keeping a careful hold on Bailey who had been particularly fussy since her first round of shots the day before. “Sweet boy, you’re too close. I have the baby, we have to be careful.”

“Baie,” he nodded, reaching for his sister.

“You wanna hold her?”

Another nod.

“Okay, sweet boy. Let’s go sit, and you can hold Bai.”

Mason sprinted to the living room, flinging himself onto the couch. He grabbed the boppy and put it on his lap. “Momma. Baie.”

“Yes, Mase.” Vanessa said a silent prayer that Bailey wouldn’t kick up a fuss about not being in her arms as she placed the two month old on the boppy.

Bailey twisted her mouth to start crying, but Mason was quick to place his hand by her, her little fingers grasping around his slightly bigger index finger. “Baie, Baie, Baie,” he sang softly to her as she settled down.

“Bailey, Bailey, Bailey,” Vanessa sang with him, sitting down next to her son.

Mason continued to sing nonsense sounds at his sister, who slowly drifted off to sleep. Once Vanessa was sure she could move Bailey from Mason and upstairs to her crib to continue sleeping, she reached for her daughter. Mason whined low in his throat, placing his hands gently over Bailey. “Momma,” he warned in a low whisper.

“I know. I’m gonna go put her in her bed, sweet boy,” she answered back, her voice just as low.

Mason’s whine got more pronounced.

Vanessa pressed a finger to her lips. “I know you love her and want to hold her. You’re a great big brother, Mase. But sissy went night-night. You can hold her when she wakes up, okay?”

He pouted, but moved his hands away so Vanessa could take the sleeping infant. But clearly he wasn’t too thrilled at his sister being taken away because as soon as Bailey was in Vanessa’s arms, he chucked the boppy to the floor. “Mason Nicholas!” Vanessa hissed through her teeth as the toddler took off.

She held back the sigh, focusing on getting Bailey into her crib without more fuss.

Mason, in his quest to hide so he could continue to pout in peace, ended up at the top of the staircase leading to the basement. “Hey, Mase,” Ashton smiled when the little boy came stumbling down. He gripped the cymbal of his drum set between his index finger and thumb to silence it, setting his drumsticks aside. “Where’s Momma and Bailey?”

Mason jutted out his lower lip and pointed up the stairs.

“Aw, did Momma put Bailey down for a nap?”

Mason nodded. “Baie, Papa,” he whimpered.

“Aw,” Ashton chuckled, patting his lap. “Wanna come sit with me?”

He wiped at his face, walking over to Ashton and crawling into his lap. “Baie, Papa,” he repeated in a hiccuped sob.

Ashton wrapped the boy into him. “I know you’re sad. But Bailey needs to sleep. When she’s awake you can hold her some more.”

“Momma,” Mason mumbled.

“Yeah, I’m sure Momma did tell you the same thing. But it’s okay. You can still be sad about it.”

Mason let out a shuddery breath of acceptance before pushing at Ashton’s chest. Ashton opened his arms, expecting the boy to climb down from his lap. But to his surprise, Mason reached forward to tap his hands against the various drums, liking the sounds he produced. “Papa!” he beamed.

Ashton lit up like a Christmas tree. “Yeah? You wanna play the drums with me?” Ashton grabbed the drumsticks. “Look, bud,” he said, striking at the drums.

Mason laughed with glee at the sound, clutching on to Ashton’s wrists.

“Here, you try,” Ashton said, handing Mason one of the drumsticks.

Mason looked at it in uncertainty and back at Ashton.

“Like this,” Ashton demonstrated again.

Mason copied what Ashton had done as best he could.

“There ya go! Just like that!” Ashton encouraged, shifting Mason so that the boy was on one his knees, freeing up his other leg to kick up a steady beat against the bass drum.

“Mason?!” Vanessa’s frantic voice called down the stairs. “Ash, is he down there with you?”

“Yeah, we’re down here, baby.”

She came flying down the staircase, halting at the bottom, eyes wild as they landed on Mason sitting happily on Ashton’s lap playing with the drum kit. “You scared the crap out of me!”

Ashton’s own eyes went wide. “Me? What did I do?”

“Not you, him!” She pointed a finger at Mason. “He got mad that I put Bailey down so he took off to hide. I thought he went to hide in his room. Fuckin’ damn near tore the house apart looking for him.”

“Whoa,” Ashton eased, standing up and adjusting Mason on his hip. “Take a minute. He’s been with me. He’s fine.”

“Yeah, I can see that… Here, I’ll take him back upstairs.”

Ashton waved her off as Mason squirmed in his hold to reach for the drums. “Nah, I got him, it’s fine. We’re having fun, aren’t we, bud?”

Mason smacked on the cymbal with his stick, giggling at the sound.

Vanessa’s heart melted. “Alright. But, you, mister Mason,” she said, wagging a finger at the boy. “We do not throw things when we are upset.”

“Uh-oh,” Ashton tsked, looking down at the boy in his arms. “Momma’s right, Mase. Throwing things isn’t nice. What do we say after we do something that’s not nice?”

“Momma!” Mason grinned, blowing Vanessa a sloppy toddler kiss.

She crossed over to her boys, kissing Mason’s cheek. “I forgive you, sweet boy. So what are you and Papa doing?”

“Teaching him how to play drums. He seems to really like it,” Ashton told her, sitting back down with Mason so they could go back to playing.

“Yeah, they say music’s really good for him.”

“Who’s they?”

“They. The doctors. The research. Something about the repetitive nature helping with his speech. I dunno, a lot of the scientific mumbo jumbo goes over my head.”

“Well, why don’t we get him in like a class, or something. They have those, right?”

“Yeah. And I’ve been meaning to. But every time I think to look into it, something else comes up. And without a formal diagnosis, it’s hard to find the right class for him.”

“He doesn’t have a formal diagnosis? What does that mean?”

“It means they, the doctors, just have a lot of really good guesses but not any real answers because he’s still so young. It’s currently a toss up between aphasia and autism.”

“Okay, I know what autism is more or less. But what the fuck is that other word?”

“Fancy talk for speech disorder.”

“That is so fuckin stupid… they can’t tell if he has a speech disorder? He’s damn near three years old and only says 4 fuckin words. I may not know a whole hell of a lot about child development or whatever the fuck, but pretty sure three olds are supposed to say a lot more than 4 bloody words.”

Vanessa stifled her laughter as Ashton vented his frustration. She wondered how many times you had raved the exact same thing to Finn, almost verbatim. “They can tell he has a speech disorder, love. They just can’t tell if it’s just it’s own thing, or if there’s more to it than that. Autism and speech disorders tend to overlap.”

“Yeah, and I bet you had to pay out your fuckin ears for all those doctor visits, and specialists, and shit. God, your healthcare here sucks.”

This time, she did laugh. “Yeah, but Finn and I both have pretty good insurance plans so it wasn’t too bad.”

“Yeah, and we can always just do this,” he told her, jerking his chin about the room. “Do our own music therapy here in the basement.”

“Now, that’s not a bad idea.”

“Man, I can’t wait to start touring again. I mean, I’m gonna miss you guys like fuckin’ crazy. But god, I can’t wait to show you guys around when we do our gig here. You’re gonna fuckin’ love it, baby.”

“It might just be me coming to see you, babe. I don’t know how Mase will handle all the noise, even with headphones.”

“Shit you’re right… well maybe you guys should come to a rehearsal then. Give the headphones a proper test.”

“A private concert all our own, huh? I think that sounds perfect.”

~~~

Mason gasped in excitement as they walked into the rehearsal space and he saw all the instruments. “Momma!”

“Yeah, I see, sweet boy. Are you excited to watch Papa and Uncles?”

“Momma,” he nodded.

“Go say hi to everybody, and then we’ll sit and listen, okay?”

Mason dashed off to press his forehead against Calum, Luke, and Michael who all murmured their own hellos to the boy while Ashton helped Vanessa get settled down with Bailey. “Ikey!” Mason screeched when he got to Michael, reaching up to touch the man’s fringe that poked out of his hat.

“Yes!” Michael whooped in victory. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!” Michael said pointing at Calum, Luke, and then back at Calum with each “fuck you.”

Calum rolled his eyes while Luke pouted, “How is ‘Mikey’ easier to say than ‘Luke’? How does he like your hair better? I have curls!”

“Oh, just let him have the win, Luke,” Ashton said, straightening up to his feet. “You guys ready or what?”

After making sure Bailey and Mason had their ears protected, the men all situated themselves with their instruments and started playing.

Mason managed to sit quietly through about two and a half songs before he got up and went over to Ashton, resting his small hand against the man’s leg. Ashton nodded for them to keep going when Calum, Luke, and Michael turned to look at him in a silent question. Between beats, Ashton scooped Mason up into his lap and finished the song. “Whatcha think?” Ashton asked both everybody and nobody as he pushed sweaty locks of hair back away from his face.

“Transitions sounded better this time,” Michael commented.

“Sounded better than better. Sounded tour ready,” Luke corrected.

“Could do without audience participation,” Calum teased with a playful look at Mason on Ashton’s lap.

“Just because you missed a beat, doesn’t mean you have to be bitter, Cal,” Ashton teased back. “And speaking of audience participation. What’d ya think?”

With all four men watching her, Vanessa shrugged her shoulders. “I’m no music expert, but I’m with Luke and Mike. Sounded really good.”

Mason, displeased that the music had stopped, reached across Ashton’s lap to strike at the cymbal with his hands. “Here,” Ashton told him, handing Mason the drumsticks. “With these.”

Mason tried again, shrieking with excitement at the sounds he produced from hitting the different parts of the drum set. Much like how he had done in the basement a week ago, Ashton shifted so Mason was fully seated on one leg so he would work the bass drum with his free leg without jostling the boy too much in the process. “Atta boy, Mase!” Ashton praised.

Rehearsal was quickly disbanded in favor of giving Mason a turn at all the other instruments in the room, letting him choose his favorite. Mason sat with Michael the longest, happily swiping a guitar pick against the strings. “Well, now we know what to get him for his birthday,” Michael grinned, sticking his tongue out at Calum and Luke.

Calum grumbled that this was barely a win for Michael because all this proved was that Mason definitely liked guitars, making it a win for everyone except Ashton, while Luke pouted more about how unfair it was Mason liked Michael more than him because “We play the same bloody instruments! I have CURLS!”

Ashton laughed at his friends, letting Michael gloat in his little victories a little bit longer before getting Mason’s attention. “Mase? Drums?” He drummed a quick and small beat that had Mason launching himself off of Michael and across the room to Ashton’s lap.

“Ha!” Calum smirked, flipping off Michael. “Now who’s Mase’s favorite?”

“Bailey,” everyone answered without needing to think about it.

Tag List

@frontmanash @goeatsomelife @flameraine @creator-appreciator @cxddlyash @1-irwin-94 @sparkling-calm @tea4sykes @youngblood199456 @5-seconds-of-obsession @gosh-im-short @aquarius-hood1996 @talkfastromance4 @itjustkindahappenedreally @philthepegacorn @boomerash @teenwolfss24 @karajaynetoday @myfavfanficsever @stormrider505 @cashtonisruiningmylife

#papa's job #ashton irwin #ashton irwin fic #ashton&vanessa #ash&mase #mase&bai #papa!ash #uncle!sos #galcal irwin

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adultingautistic · 4 years

Text

help? rambling! sorry for that thing.

(saw in the ask-section: so written today as of the 20th of August in the year 2020)

Hey,

No idea how to approach this. Though first things first: English is not my native language and I have some trouble with languages (even my native) [mostly speaking and writing… and understanding (the hearing part but sometime also the meaning part) – okay I just can’t language – sorry] and this thingy here will be long, again – sorry Though I learned to understand written english just so I could read more fanfictions (‘cause the ones in my native language didn’t satisfy me anymore) - spend a whole summer just reading stuff in english and now I *need* to read everything in english and watch things in their native production language (synchro is weird af) and if possible with subtitles (books: if it’s the authors native language; otherwise both languages (german and english) would be translated and then it doesn’t really matter, most of the time anyway)

WARNING: Messy, chaotic and about 2500 words long. Sorry. and it isn’t proof read and some sentences could be… not a sentence

I think I might be autistic / have adhd ? not sure, going to someone (professional) is not really an option as that would take at least 6 to 12 month to even get maybe a appointment… and it involves a lot of social interaction that would stress all people – even those that don’t have to think about *every* interaction they have with eachother… like no planning or thinking about what you have to say or can’t say and what’s appropriate? Like that is a thing – always wondered how most people got through life when everything is so damn hard. It is apparently a thing that isn’t so quite normal… lol*

Okay, most of the time (that I remember) wondered how that worked for everyone else except me – how they get through life thinking all those things, or well… don’t thinking all those things like HOW?!? Why can you “people”? and I learned it’s important if you’re a girl or not; so yeah, girl here. Followed adhd / autism stuff for a few month / weeks and now again for the last days (it’s an on and off thing). so yeah, I can relate to so much on like everything. Long time I thought, nah, can’t have it: good in school (more so when I was younger but never actually bad), finished school good (though could have been better, if I had studied once (like for my oral exam, I opened the document that should help us learn one whole time, the morning of the exam so yeah, not good at that; brain just goes, heard it once, why should I read this information? Can’t really recall it but while reading I “know” it, so WhAt Is STuDyInG?)) anyway (at this point I would have deleted about everything but like 3 or 4 sentences because… rambling. Sorry, but I think it is important what’s actually going on in my brain; I know it’s hard to read lol) considering all those things I read here (and on other blogs and stuff), I would explain so much about what’s going on in my life (I made a document where I collect all that stuff but it’s redundant sometimes and really messy; try to make a short list with most important things).

Like as a kid, it took me longer than other kids for this social stuff (not like it got “everything”, just enough to communicate more or less lol) or I was so freaking focused on rules; one example is at the train station, there is this line to indicate where you should wait for the train and the other side is where you’re allowed to step once the train is in the station – I lost it, when that rule wasn’t followed (never really big, loud but I was really upset – you know, I learned that it isn’t “allowed” to act out in public). Another thing, I would always get the adults (or kids) around me to speak to others: I mean, I wanted ice cream? Couldn’t order it (still hard to this day – I’m 19 years old btw) or any other basic interaction stuff – I mean I broke every connection to my best friend (in 6th grade, so I was like 10 or 11) because he broke a rule while playing “hide and seek” like yeah, one rule one time while playing and I didn’t speak to him for like 6-7 years (met him at driving school again lol) and I still have his book because I didn’t want anything to do with him anymore (now it’s just awkward to give it back).

As I was younger I loved reading, couldn’t get me away from it – now not so much lol (books or reading in general is so hard sometimes… most of the time) – but that is more like: I lost myself in the books and was super focused on it – now I “don’t have time” as in I can’t really read a book if I don’t have theoretically the whole day and night – cause if I have to do stuff later “there is not enough time to read a book” because I could get lost in it and miss stuff and 5 hours is like 5 minutes, right? (that is a part of “time blindness”, am I mistaken? – never really related to that on a deeper level but the longer it think about it, the more stuff comes to my mind that could be part of it lol / like I always at least try to) get ready when I want to visit my grandparents, it’s like a ten minute walk so I need at least 45 minutes to prepare. Example: want to be there at 14:00 so I should go to the bathroom around 13:15 the latest, bathroom always takes long ‘cause I get distracted, so I then somehow get going around 13:50 – spoiler: I need more like at least 15 minutes not less then 10 to get to my grandparents by foot – and where is the time? I got out of the bathroom somewhere before 13:40 most of the time – I do the exact same things every time and sometimes I’m like: oh, it’s like 13:25/13:30, why would I think I need so much time to get ready? And then most often I need longer – and no, then I start to got even earlier (bathroom is like the first thing in the routine I do before I have to leave the house) and somehow it is now 13:45 and I just leave the bathroom – HOW??)

Okay, MSWord tells me, I have written like almost a 1100 words and haven’t even looked at my 11 page document – sorry (can I even write that many words in an ask at tumblr?)

Another thing I found is RSD – of my god (I usually don’t like to use it like that but omg), that explains so much – don’t want to write too much (missed quite a few “too”s I think lol hope you understand anyway) – I really react so intense to small, constructive criticism and I didn’t (don’t) understand why; and question everything; I remember everything I did wrong (so many “small” things but I’m such bad at human sometimes) and the feels and oh no, I didn’t even do something wrong, my coworker/sort-of-not-really-friend told me how I could have slightly improved what I did: I’m such a bad human, I can’t do anything right and they won’t want to have to do anything with me again – thank you brain, not helpful. One other thing was, like I asked for one weekend of and I wasn’t allowed to take it ‘cause they planned to or already shifted an event (couldn’t really focus on that) to that weekend and I didn’t know it and when they said “no”, in that situation I could have lost it, I was almost in tears (you do not cry in public lol) and thought, how could I even ask that and be soo egoistic (along the lines of that).

This next one is just the text copied from a post but that is like exactly what it is for me:

“I literally thought all the symptoms were the default way a brain works, so you’re telling me some of you can “choose” what to pay attention to? Like, if you know you absolutely have to listen to and remember something you just “can” even if you don’t like it?

And if you’re at a restaurant and three other tables are having conversations you don’t just automatically absorb everything they’re saying?

And if you know you have to do something within the next hour it won’t just remind you of a different subject entirely which reminds you of another different subject entirely and you don’t just take you three days to remember the original thing you were doing????”

so true lol.

Found another post with autism signs in adults (that my have been missed as kids), I took out everything I don’t really relate to (like 5 or 6 things lol):

- may constantly rehears conversations or interactions

- may feel as though you are always on stage

- may have a few close friends, not many acquaintances

- may struggle with other people breaking rules (RULES ARE ABSOLUT – HOW CAN YOU BREAK THEM?)

- may often fidget, chew, tap, or other repetitive behaviors

- may get more or less upset at something than is “appropriate”

- may struggle to adjust when plans change without warning

- may have routines that don’t seem to have a real purpose

- may struggle in situations that are unfamiliar

- may be a very picky eater with few preferred foods

- may struggle with noises, touching, or sensory input

- may struggle to process visual or auditory information

- may struggle to settle body down enough for restful sleep (though I now have a weighted blanket and that’s soo awesome, it really helps at least a bit (don’t wake up that often at night anymore))

- may struggle to keep track of a fast conversation

- may take jokes very literally, and not understand teasing

- may miss sarcasm or subtleties while others are speaking

I understand teasing, I can more or less successful tease and be sarcastic but I’m not sure if people are teasing me. I do not prefer to communicate via text or email. It is still very stressful for me - a telephone is also bad (tone and stuff, not understanding the words correct and not even seeing the other person and in person is also bad – so no to communication and/or interaction lol)

I could provide example for everything but I’m at around 1700 words and just no.

Didn’t really mention sensory stuff, another post I found: “basically, your day-to-day sensory input shouldn’t be causing you distress. sounds wild, i know, but it’s not neurotypical for the stimuli (be it sound, touch, visual, etc etc) you encounter on a day-to-day basis to make you unhappy. also, if busy shopping malls or crowded parties consistently cause you distress or agitation, that’s a neurodiverse thing. it sounds strange, but apparently but yeah, it’s normal for most people to expect to be comfortable in their day to day surroundings.”

Like on one level, I knew it couldn’t be quite “normal” to be always uneasy in “normal” day to day surroundings but like, I can’t understand how people can not find it hard to be in such environment (I heard some enjoy it even, like HOW?).

Random interjection ‘cause I wanted to say something to thing from the beginning: * “Allistics do not “prepare” in order to socialize. They do not have scripts. They do not write them, memorize them, or use them. They just magically know what to say. “ yeah, wow, didn’t realise that for a long time, and it is really magically. But somehow they can; I still ask my mom to help me write emails (more or less important ones) ‘cause it’s hard and she’s always like: “we do it so often, why do you still need help, just write” – not helpful and we didn’t do it actually ‘cause it is a complete different situation now lol every new email is a new thing… I need to think about what to say to the cashier every damn time I’m in the supermarket lol; if I don’t have to talk, someone else orders for me (they thinks I’m lazy or so, I don’t know but it’s so hard and you know what to do, so you can do it lol)

And that executive dysfunction thingy also explains a lot – I mean, I like languages, I’m just not good at that speaking/hearing the words thing – still, I learn Ancient Greek as a sort of hobby (I mean, I learn it for so long now, it’s too late to stop, that would be weird and it is really interesting, just really hard) and I needed like 7 hours to do the work (like, got out of bed, got breakfast, started the computer and did like 30 minutes of working, then did some stuff on the internet for like an hour and then ate my forgotten breakfast, then did some more browsing (I need to do the work cause I have to send it to my teacher this evening lol) some work for like almost an hour, some more phone, a bit of work – and so on. I did some work (but like so many people would have done more or needed less time lol) – anyway I know I really need to work on the language and I just… don’t. arg, that sucks so much, every week I think, I could start doing things on Saturday and then everyday a bit so I have like six days to do some work and every time it’s Thursday and I’m like, lol 10 hours for doing a weeks work. And it’s not like I could focus for that 10 hours – except when I can but sadly it’s almost never on the things I *need* to do. Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

So, yeah, sorry; I think it’s quite possible that I’m autistic / have adhd, both or so – am I making things up and this is just my mind going a bit wild? (also, I’ve done some online “tests”; most of the time I get like ¾ of the maximal points, but at least always more than half the full points)

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Thanks if you made it to the end! 20.08.2020

PS. could write so much more in my mind but nope. i think one can get my point. otherwise just ask me

PPS. actually talked with my grandmother about it, lol, she said, it would explain some things she wondered about lol (never thought i would talk in real life with someone about it but i really needed to talk about my thoughts and then i couldn’t shut up and i was so worried but she is kinda cool with it? though she doen’t really know anything about the topic except what i told her so yeah. i acually have no clue how to approach my mum (even if it isn’t autism/adhd or so, i think i have to talk about how i tick a bit lol) (sorry, just had to write it a least lol)

so sorry, needed a part two (cause brain is stupid)

Okay, part two (I’m so sorry) (now it is the 21st of August 2020)

There is so much more I can write about: sorry, again like 1300 words.

Like, special interests – I have no idea; as I kid my teacher had to regularly remind me that I have to leave the classroom for break – cause I was so into my book that I didn’t hear anyone leaving the room or the bell; now I can get really invested in some fanfictions (if I have like five days for myself and nothing to do, it is like 3 books without a break) and I’m at a point where I don’t find (good) new stuff and read the same fanfic again and again (I know exactly what will happen and still love it), sometimes I don’t read it for like a few weeks or month and then like 5 times back to back. I absolutely love Doctor Who (but I’m not excessively obsessive or so and don’t know that many facts just some), just can ramble for a few minutes (okay, everyone who would listen speaks German and my main input for Doctor Who is English, so hard to translate that and stuff). Well back to books: I love them; even though I can’t properly focus much these day, I love them, I need them: but why? I hate that when book covers changes or the side of the book like it’s: publisher, name of book, author and the next book is like name of the book, publisher, author and all is mixed up or the symbol of the publisher is slightly different: why? Can’t it be consistent? Why??.

Routines, rituals and stuff. Yeah, I have for example this one street (they repaired the street but there is a small crack now), I have to cross it on the side that is where the street crosses another and then the last 3 steps have to be on the other side and the fourth is stepping on the sidewalk (I really can’t do it any other way and I hate this one car that always blocks the crack a bit – it shouldn’t be standing there ‘cause it’s almost directly in the crossing lol) when I still was going to school, my way home was very specific and one time there was a building/construction site (just some repairs or work on the pipe lines in the ground) and the first time I saw this I was stressed after a long day of school and almost lost it right there and then, because I couldn’t walk my normal way (and yes, at home I cried at bit); for the next few weeks my way back home was hell. I have some specific routines for the bathroom and showering (though most people have that, right?). I have to pack my things and then my stuff like keys and such in the same way every time. When I need a walk I have like two (or three) routes I can take and I have to do them and almost can’t change them after I started (I can though it really throws me off and I don’t feel really well after that). One time – cause Covid-19 and stuff – you need to use a shopping cart where I live in order to enter the supermarket (so you keep more distance) – so, I went to the market by foot and had everything planned, shortly before I am at the store I realise I don’t have a “chip” (thingy you need to use the shopping cart; don’t know if you know what I mean) and I lost it – my plans and routine how I go shopping to that market (if by foot) was ruined – went back home and cried and raged like for an hour (went later again, cause I really needed stuff and I couldn’t leave that thing open, that also feels… not good – had to finish the walking “round”: to the store, store, back home)

One thing I mentioned before: sensory stuff; yeah, not a fan of “loud” noises (it isn’t always the loudness but more the number of noises). Water in my face (nope, hate it, never under the shower and like a sponge or so is horror (like everywhere on my body), just clean water is okay (but please, I can’t have had soap like right before on my hands)), lights is a day to day thing (though if I’m tired / close to what I think is sensory overload, either the room I’m in gets like darker or lights up so much it’s not tolerable anymore (then I know, I really, really have to leave the room and not see or hear anybody anything anymore)), and food, yeah (everything has its place on my plate and please don’t touch), I’m a really “picky” eater and I absolutely despise like cooked or baked fruits (some vegetables too) (they feel soo weird in my mouth… and taste bad… but the texture alone is… really, really bad) (if I wait a bit more, I could think of more but you get the gist I think)

One thing that throws me off: Since I’m 14 years old, I do some stuff with youth groups like mostly work in the church as a volunteer (like in the (school)holidays going a vacation with a group and such things) – I needed like three years (I was and still am seen as shy, mostly) to really “lead” a group (I really am good at imitating the others that can lead a group, I think) and now after I finished school and am doing a “Freiwilliges Soziales Jahr (FSJ)” (voluntary social year) (basically I “work” for a year in a social job (sorry, no idea how to explain it in English) and get not much money (that’s the volunteering-part, but ‘cause I work full-time (38.5 hours a week on paper), I get a bit of money)) – and now I applied for studying for working in a social job – can’t really explain it but important is that I would/will have to work with people and stuff, like my job is to create/plan activities for people (like for example, a meeting every week for old people, free-time activities for teenagers or so). On one level I somehow like that working with people (as long as I know what I do, I had time to plan and everything happens more or less as I imagined/planned), on another level I absolutely… well not hate it… but it is really taxing for me and sometimes I really question myself but then other people say, do it, you’re good at it – and I’m like: yeah? I sometimes feel terrible and have no idea what’s going but okay, good that you don’t see that?! Am I not totally awkward and what? Still, have no clue what I would do instead of that lol (sorry, explained that whole thing real bad; just ask, if something is unclear)

So, two options: either I fake everything I wrote before that last thing and how would that work? Or I’m really good at faking that last thing and how? I have no idea and yeah, I had to write that – can both work? Like, it’s not like that I’m always (really) comfortable doing that social stuff but on the other hand, a bit adrenaline and anxiety makes the life more fun or something like that (and it’s not like, yeay, one time a certain situation managed and the next time I can navigate that somewhat same situation, nope, it’s like nothing ever happened before and that’s… annoying?)

Sorry again to bother you. Thanks for reading

21.08.2020

PS. I will probably think of something new every few hours but that’s enough for now I think lol – sorry

PPS. And sorry for my bad English and explaining… language is hard (not like I could write it better in my native language lol)

_______________________________________________________________

First, I will never, ever, ever judge someone based on how good their English is, whether English is their first language or not. People communicate the best they can, and that’s all that counts, and it does not matter if it’s “perfect”.

So I can’t address every detail you brought up, because this was a LOT! I did read all of it though, and the general impression I get is that you’re right, you probably have ADHD, and possibly autism as well, though I am not a doctor and I can’t diagnose you.

You asked a few times if you could be “faking” it, and the answer to that I can say for certain: No, you are not faking. What you told me here are your life experiences. I just read a story of “How life is like” for you, and it was not fiction, this is your real perspective about how your brain sees the world. This is not fake. This is who you are, and I felt what you wrote was very open and honest, the exact opposite of fake.

Sorry, it’s a messy, long thing but I need a bit of an advice or so – just, like “yeah, could be possible” or “nope.”

Based on your experiences that you shared, I’d say it’s more than likely you have ADHD. You talk often about trying to complete a task and losing your focus before it’s finished:

Anyway if my parents hadn’t provided dinner, I wouldn’t have eaten more than breakfast today – anyways sometime I want ice cream or other stuff and I just… can’t do it like I’m sitting here for an hour now, I’m so freaking bored and I just want ice cream but do I move? Nope, and doing something to not feel bored? Nope. I also mean to get my thingy for my wrist ‘cause I have some problems and typing hurts but lol, nope. An example as kid would be I needed hours to dry myself after a shower and just sit on the floor in my room doing more or less nothing or playing (I now a have strategy but yeah)

This is all very suggestive of ADHD. You also had some symptoms that could be autism, but it seems like the ADHD is more prominent for you and is affecting you more (keep in mind, I’m only a stranger on the internet, I could be totally wrong).

I’m really happy that you were able to share these thoughts with your grandmother, and that she was open to listening to you about them, even if she didn’t have all the facts.

I know you said it would be a long wait, and very difficult, to get an appointment with a professional. But I do really think you should be tested for ADHD. Maybe your grandmother can help you talk to your mum about it, or maybe your grandmother can make all those phone calls for you (because believe me, I know how difficult it is to make phone calls, they are just as hard for me). Even if you have to wait a year, it would be worth it to know- and also, because in the case of ADHD, there is medication which can help you. So it would be really worth it for you to get that, even if you have to wait a long time.

You’re obviously a very detail-oriented, thoughtful person, and I know that you’ve studied this subject inside and out. You’re not faking, you’re not making it up. These are your experiences, and they are the truth, and you deserve to be tested if you want to be.

#actually autistic #actuallyautistic #ADHD #submission

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thechildoflightning · 4 years

Text

Transitive Law

Title: Transitive Law

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: LAMP/CALM

~~~

Prompts:

I would love to see if Virgil ever like suspects that Roman might have ADHD after having a really really similar student in his class with ADHD -anon

I know you said that Roman has ADHD in this au, and I would love to see a oneshot about him struggling with it like with being distracted during important events and stuff. -anon

Summary:

Roman and ADHD- a journey. (A really quick one actually, because- again- ADHD).

Warnings: Ableism, PTSD, Panicking

[ao3 link]

~~~

Transitive Law

Virgil had always considered himself good at handling different students’ accommodations. He’d gone through schooling with accommodations himself, and there was nothing worse than teachers who weren’t supportive or thought they knew better than him. As a result, he tried to do his best to listen and be receptive to his students, as well as taking the time to learn, understand, and support them through their accommodations.

Virgil wasn’t told why they had accommodations, so unless they shared, he never knew. But the truth was, he didn’t need to know. All he needed to do was listen and adapt to them.

He’d had students with ADHD before. Some with accommodations, some without. But it wasn’t until the new year started and he had a student come up to him and explain their accommodations- as well as sharing the fact that they had ADHD- that Virgil realized he didn’t really know what it was.

Sure, he knew what it stood for. But he realized he had never actually looked into what it meant. He had impressions, but he suspected that ADHD ran much deeper than that. Most diagnoses did.

Virgil wanted to do the best for his students, he wanted to support him, he wanted to understand them. He thought it was absolutely necessary to learn more about ADHD, so he began his research.

He was quickly- well not disappointed- but perhaps confused? Yes, that was a better word. Because the main symptoms of ADHD, well didn’t most people deal with those?

Virgil often fidgeted, was easily distracted, sometimes had difficulty focusing on singular things, and more. Virgil himself fit a lot of the criteria for ADHD symptoms and he quickly realized his spouses did as well. So why would this be a separate diagnosis?

Overlap, Virgil quickly realized. ADHD symptoms were officially symptoms of ADHD if they couldn’t be explained by other things. Virgil’s own traits of being easily distracted, fidgeting, trouble holding attention were all symptoms tied to PTSD and anxiety.

Logan fidgeted- stimmed- as well. Logan could talk excessively, intensely focus, and lose focus easily. Which made sense when Virgil learned that autism and ADHD were sibling diagnoses.

Patton was forgetful. But there was a difference between ADHD forgetful and having memory loss. Patton was sometimes disorganized, which could once again be attributed to memory loss.

As Virgi read more about ADHD he quickly realized how each of his spouses had symptoms of it, but all had other root causes for their behavior.

Except Roman.

Roman was easily distracted. He seemed completely blind to the passage of time and fidgeted a lot with bouncing his leg or tapping. He rambled and never seemed to run out of energy. Whenever he perceived failure he took it extremely harshly, feeling as if he himself was a failure- which fit perfectly into an ADHD thing called ‘Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.’ Roman could get extremely passionate about certain topics, but often lost focus with anything else. He had trouble sitting through long events. He occasionally interrupted others without realizing. He was often disorganized, and coffee seemed to calm him down more than wake him up. He forgot lengthy instructions and took longer to start tasks. He couldn’t go shopping without a grocery list and would forget events if they weren’t put on a calendar.

Roman fit almost every symptom for ADHD and it sent Virgil reeling. Because of course Virgil had noticed these traits in his spouse- how could he not, they were a part of Roman- but he had never once considered that these traits could be the result of something more.

Could Roman have ADHD?

Which led to his current predicament of considering that question and in result, thinking about absolutely nothing else.

“What’s up?” Roman asked, when Virgil was trying to grade papers and failing miserably, mind returning to this new question.

Virgil jumped a bit at the noise as Roman took a seat next to him.

“Oh,” Virgil said, “I just…”

Virgil’s mind was racing? Did Roman have ADHD? Should he comment about the ADHD thing to Roman? Would Roman be upset with him if he said anything? Would Roman be upset if he didn’t say anything? And what if Virgil was wrong?

Virgil shrugged, brain too overwhelmed into actually making a decision of what to say. Roman frowned and tapped at the table. Fidgeting, Virgil noticed. Or maybe stimming? He was still trying to figure out if fidgeting due to ADHD was considered stimming.

“Virge?” Roman pressed gently.

Virgil sighed, because he still didn't know what to say, and didn't know what to expect from Roman’s response.

“I’m anxious,” he admitted, because that was a good middle ground. Virgil was communicating even if he wasn’t yet ready to talk.

“Okay,” Roman said, “Anything I can do to help? I may or may not be intentionally avoiding my own work.”

Procrastinating due to struggles with executive functioning. Long or unclear tasks could be hard to manage and complete. All symptoms of ADHD.

Should Virgil say something?

He didn’t know what would happen if he did say anything. He had no idea of Roman’s response and that was terrifying and if Roman was mad, Virgil could get hurt and-

“Just leave me alone,” Virgil snapped. Which was not what he had planned to do. Though Virgil wasn’t really sure what he had planned to do.

“Virgil?” Roman asked. His eyebrows scrunched together and he frowned a bit. His hands settled in front of him.

Virgil instantly felt bad but he was also scared and that was currently winning.

“Leave me alone Roman,” he insisted again, voice low and firm.

Roman continued to frown, but after a minute gave a quick nod.

“Okay,” he said, “If you want, you can come talk to me when you’re ready, okay?”

Virgil said nothing and looked down at the table.

Roman nodded once more and stood up. He was tall, and he was close to Virgil and suddenly he was looming and he was so close and Virgil had just snapped at him and what if he hurt him Roman could so easily hurt him it would be so easy for him to-

Virgil was across the room before he realized what he was doing, back pressed against the wall as he struggled to take a breath, maximum distance between him and Roman.

Roman stared back at him.

“Shit,” Virgil whispered after a moment.

Roman carefully sat on the floor. He was lower than Virgil now, not looming, not a threat.

“Shit,” Virgil said again, brain catching up with him. Kit nudged his hand and Virgil looked down at his dog. Kit pawed at his leg.

Virgil sat on the floor and allowed his dog to cover him. He breathed deeply and ran a hand through his hair.

Roman wasn’t going to hurt him- he was safe. Roman would never hurt him. He was safe.

Roman was still sitting across the room, patiently waiting.

Virgil sighed, sat with his dog, petting his soft fur for a moment. Eventually he had Kit get off and he stood, making his way back to his seat at the table. He gestured at the seat across from him.

“Sit?” he asked Roman.

Roman nodded and carefully stood. With each action he took over to the chair, he narrated it to Virgil and kept in his line of sight. Virgil appreciated that greatly. He knew Roman would never hurt him- of course he wouldn’t- but his mind didn’t always understand that. PTSD sucked like that- it attempted to keep Virgil safe even when there was no threat around. Not anymore.

“Virgil?” Roman asked.

Virgil hesitated for just a moment, and then he blurted out his thoughts.

“I think you might have ADHD,” he admitted.

“What?” Roman asked, frown on his face.

“I think you might have ADHD,” he said slower this time.

Roman blinked at him.

“I’m- you think I have ADHD?” he repeated back, somewhat baffled.

“Yeah,” Virgil said, “Maybe? Attention Deficit Hyper-”

“-activity Disorder,” Roman finished, “Yeah I know what it is. Just- why would you think that? I don’t- I’m not that hyperactive? Sports suck. And I’m not rude or disruptive and stuff. I just- don’t see it,” Roman explained, “but I’m not mad at you and I am willing to listen,” he quickly confirmed.

Roman’s final words came as a relief- stopping short the anxiety that had begun to build as he talked.

“I just- I have a student with ADHD?” Virgil explained, “Well, I’ve had several students with ADHD? And I realized I didn’t actually know much about it, just what I had sorta heard. Like you said- being super active, not sitting still, not listening, disruptive. But I didn’t really know what it was? And I mean- I want to support my students as best as possible so I started to do some research…” Virgil trailed off.

“And?” Roman prompted.

“And to me, it seemed like you fit the diagnostic criteria? You show almost all the symptoms? That I’ve seen,” Virgil hastily added. Then quick because he had to be sure, “You’re not mad at me?”

Roman had said he wasn’t but maybe he just said that and Virgil need to be 100% positive.

“I’m not mad,” Roman promised, “I’m a bit…” he seemed to search for the right word, “I’m a bit… surprised. I don’t think I have ADHD. Don’t most people get diagnosed as kids anyways? I’m an adult this- I dunno Virgil it just doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense.”

“Okay,” Virgil agreed, because he certainly wasn’t going to argue this point with Roman. “Okay. I- okay. Well even if you don’t have it maybe look up RSD? Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? It just- well it reminded me of a few things you said our freshman year in college? And I mean since that too- but especially then.”

Roman watched Virgil.

“Okay,” he eventually agreed, “Sure, why not?”

Virgil breathed a sigh of relief and the conversation came to an end.

Roman did research RSD. He didn’t think he had ADHD which meant he probably didn’t have this thing either. But he told Virgil he’d look it up and he wasn’t about to lie to him, so he did.

He was shocked with what he found because well, didn’t everyone feel that way? Didn’t everyone take criticism personally? Didn’t everyone feel worthless when they perceived rejection? Did other people not feel like a failure when they didn’t do something right or when they let someone down?

Other people had to feel this way. There was no way that Roman had felt like this his entire life and most other people didn’t. It just- it wasn’t possible. Somebody would have noticed. He would have noticed.

“Patton?” Roman asked.

“Hmm?” Pat said, looking up from his computer.

Roman hesitated. Was he really going to-

“Have you ever heard of RSD?”

Apparently he was going to ask. Thanks brain for considering that fully.

“No,” Patton said, “Why?”

Roman hesitated for less than he did before, and began to explain. Patton listened and asked for a few repeats and clarifiers along the way.

“Okay so- my other question is… Do you do that?”

“Do I have RSD?” Patton asked.

“Yeah,” Roman said. Because everyone- everyone did. They had to.

Patton frowned and then softly shook his head.

“I don’t think so,” he said, “I mean, I can feel bad when I do things wrong. And if it’s a big thing I’m going to feel worse. But I guess- I mean I don’t feel like I’ve been rejected or that I’m a failure or that people don’t like me. I just think I made a mistake. Which can suck but it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person or anything.”

“Oh,” Roman said. This was- this was- well what Patton said made sense. What Patton thought made sense. The thing was- the thing was that Roman didn’t do that.

“Why are you asking, love?” Patton asked.

Roman shook his head.

“No reason,” he insisted quickly, as he already turned back to his phone. He could feel Patton stare at him for a moment, slight frown on his face. But eventually, he shrugged and turned back to his computer. Roman just took a breath and started his newest google search.

Roman didn’t have ADHD.

But well- it wouldn’t hurt to look it up.

“Hey Dad,” Roman greeted, the minute his dad had picked up the phone.

“Roman,” he greeted cheerfully. Roman smiled at his voice. “What’s going on?”

Roman’s smile slowly dropped. He drummed his fingers nervously on his pants leg.

“I had a question,” he acknowledged.

“Alright. Shoot.”

Roman hesitated.

“Roman?”

“It’s kind of a weird question?” Roman hedged.

“Roman I raised you for most of your life, I’m pretty sure I'm used to your questions by now,” he said wryly.

Roman gave a short half-hearted chuckle.

“Okay,” he relented, “I was just wondering… Was I ever tested for ADHD as a kid?”

His dad went quiet. Roman started to regret calling. Really, why was he even doing this? He didn’t- he wasn’t- a google search of symptoms didn’t prove anything. Sure, maybe they had all fit but that didn’t mean-

“No. You weren't.” A pause. “Can I ask why?”

He had to know why Roman would be asking that.

“I-” Roman hesitated, “I just-”

“Do you want to get tested?” his dad asked.

“No,” Roman responded immediately, without even thinking about it. Impulsive, his brain whispered at him, a symptom of ADHD, “No. I just- I…” he trailed off.

“Okay. Well, if you did ever want to get tested. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that. You know that, right?”

“Right,” Roman responded automatically, not really hearing his words. “I uh- I actually have to go. I’ll call some other time.”

Logan walked into the room at that moment, giving a smile when he saw Roman. Roman attempted to return it. Logan made his way to the bookshelf, looking for something.

“Okay,” his dad agreed, “Okay.”

“Okay, bye,” Roman rushed to say.

“Roman?” his dad's voice interrupted.

“Yeah?”

Logan pulled a book out of the shelf. He held it in one hand, the other hand coming up to quickly brush all the pages, flicking through them quickly. He continued to stim that way repetitively.

“I love you..”

“Yeah Dad, yeah I know.”

“I love you. For you. Okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I love you too.”

“Bye.”

Roman brought his phone away from his ear and put it in his pocket. He walked over to where Logan was still stimming with the book.

“Hey,” Roman greeted.

Logan smiled up at him.

“Can I touch you,” Roman asked.

Logan nodded in consent and Roman wrapped him up from behind. He pressed a kiss into the back of Logan’s head and closed his eyes for a moment as he enjoyed holding his husband.

“Were you waiting for me?” Roman asked, “You didn’t move once you found your book.”

Logan ducked his head.

“Oh, no,” he said, “I was going to read the book. But I found stimming with the pages enjoyable.”

“Mmmm,” Roman hummed.

“You were calling your dad,” Logan observed.

“Yup,” Roman said, “Had to ask him a question.”

“What question? And why not text?” Logan asked. He carefully broke free of Roman’s embrace to face him.

Roman sighed.

“I- uh- I asked him if I had been tested for ADHD as a child,” he admitted.

“Oh,” Logan said. He frowned and shifted on his feet. He continued to stim with the book, “Why did you ask him that?”

“Virgil said- Well Virgil said he thought I might have ADHD. I guess I was just-” Roman waved his hand as if to explain, “y’know?”

“I don’t actually,” Logan admitted, “I’m not sure what you're saying. Can you clarify?”

Roman nodded and tried to figure out the words he wanted.

“I guess I’m just- I wanted to see- I’m trying to figure out- Maybe I do? Maybe I do have ADHD. And I’m trying to figure that out.”

“Okay,” Logan said, “Thanks for clarifying.”

“Not a problem,” Roman was quick to assure. “I’m just- well what do you think?”

“About?”

“Do you think I have ADHD?”

Logan paused, thinking. He stopped stimming with the book and instead raised a hand to tap at his chest.

“You could,” he considered, “I can see why Virgil would think that. I’d have to do more research on ADHD. And your thoughts and observations are vitally important to the discussion as well. I would think that would be the most important piece by far.”

“Yeah,” Roman sighed, “I think… I think I might have it?” he admitted. “A lot of the symptoms fit and it’s just- like a lot of things make sense looking back with ADHD on mind? Like when me and Virgil weren’t getting along when we first met. And when I struggled to take over as director. And as a kid when I struggled in school because I couldn’t focus on the material. Also in school as a kid when I was quickly drawn to theater and it was so much looser and I’d get so focused on it. Time is weird? It can pass so quickly but also super slow and I’m awful at estimating it and that’s apparently an actual ADHD thing called time blindness. Coffee calms me down more than waking me up. How I could never seem to keep my room clean as a kid. I just…” Roman trailed off, and then laughed slightly. “The rambling too,” he added.

Logan quirked a smile at that.

“You do talk a lot,” Logan said.

“Yeah.”

Logan paused for a moment, shifting and looking around the room. He frowned and dipped his head down.

“I’m not sure how to progress this conversation,” he admitted.

“Honestly neither do I,” Roman admitted, “I don’t- I don’t really know where to go from here at all. I have ADHD, but what does that mean?”

Logan’s head jerked up, eyes settling on Roman’s forehead.

“You said you had ADHD,” Logan said.

Roman slowly nodded.

“Well yeah, I mean that’s what we’re talking about? So…”

“You didn’t say that before,” Logan continued, “You said you might have ADHD. You asked me if I thought you had it. You said Virgil thought you had it. But you now just said that you did have it.”

“I…” Roman tried to find the right words. He hadn’t even noticed the change in his wording. But Logan was quick to pick up on things like that and bring them to light. And Logan was right, that was a change. A significant change. What did it mean?

“Does it click?” Logan asked.

“What?” Roman asked.

“Does it…” Logan huffed and cast his gaze downward. Roman waited. “I’m trying to figure out how to explain,” Logan said.

“Okay,” Roman acknowledged, and waited some more.

“Does it… Inside you- when you hear the words ADHD, look at the diagnosis, see the symptoms. Is there something in you that…” Logan pressed a firm hand against his chest and close to his heart, once again lost for words. He did it again, and Roman understood.

“Yes,” Roman said, “Yes. It resonates. Is that a good word for it?”

“Yes. That exactly. It resonates,” Logan agreed. “Does it?”

“Yeah. Yeah it does,” Roman admitted.

“Well then,” Logan shrugged, “Do you need more than that?”

“I- a diagnosis?” Roman tried, “I need to be diagnosed.”

“Do you?” Logan asked, “I mean- if you want to search for a diagnosis I of course support that decision and I'm sure our husbands would as well. But do you need that to know you have ADHD?”

Roman shifted, and considered. Because he knew now. He knew. He had ADHD. It made so much sense, it clicked, it resonated. It was a part of him and so many things had explanations now. So much of his behavior began to make sense.

He knew without a diagnosis. But…

“If I don’t get a diagnosis isn’t that kind of faking?” Roman asked.

“No,” Logan, “I think a diagnosis is just physical proof of your experiences. It doesn’t change anything. But if it’s something you want or need, again I will support you with that, whatever the reason for wanting it. I just want to make sure you understand that a diagnosis isn’t going to change things. Either way you have ADHD.”

“I… I’m not sure?”

“About?”

“If I want a diagnosis or not.”

Logan shrugged.

“Okay. Well you don’t need to know right away.”

Roman nodded, relieved. It was already a lot. This was a lot. He was figuring out and learning a lot and his brain was tired. Did that make sense? He didn’t know if his thoughts made sense anymore.

“Yeah. Thanks Logan,” Roman said.

Logan gave him a warm smile and grasped his hand briefly before taking his book and leaving the room.

“Like I know I have it now, but what do I do?” Roman complained, pacing across the floor, “What does it mean?”

“I think it means whatever you want it to sweetheart,” Patton told him, from where he was lying on his stomach on the bed, heating pad on his back.

“What does that mean?” Roman whined some more.

Patton shook his head fondly at his spouse. Roman just continued to pace, muttering as he did so.

“Does this make things different now?” he asked, a hint of something new in his voice.

Patton looked up. He raised himself carefully on an elbow and turned to look at Roman, wincing as he did so.

“What do you mean?” he asked, carefully soft.

“Like does this- does it change things?”

“I think it could,” Patton admitted, “But I don’t think in the ways you’re expecting.”

Roman stopped facing and turned to face Patton directly.

“What? How?”

“Well… I mean you haven’t changed love. You know you have ADHD now but you haven’t changed. I think the things that could change would potentially be some coping skills and ways of getting things done. But you aren’t going to change, some things we might adapt to work with you better.”

Work with him better? Why did they need to change things?

“What do you mean?” Roman asked, now frowning, “I cope fine?”

“I do think you’re doing well,” Patton agreed, “But if you’d like I’m certain we can change some things to work with you better. Cooking for one.”

“Cooking?”

What did cooking have to do with ADHD?

“Yeah. You’re okay in the kitchen but often not alone because you tend to mess up the recipes slightly or don’t watch the time. I’m guessing you get distracted.”

Roman stood stock still.

How had he never realized that? That was exactly it. When Roman cooked his mind tended to wander, not sticking to the task. It’s why he usually cooked with others, so they could keep him on task.

“I- oh. I never realized that before.”

Roman sat on the edge of the bed carefully so it wouldn’t shift too much. His back was to Patton.

Did Patton want him to be better in the kitchen? He wasn’t terrible but he certainly wasn’t good. But wasn’t that the same as letting his husbands down? He was letting them down because he wasn’t good at simple things like cooking. He was starting to not like this whole ADHD thing.

“Mhmm. And when you get hard on yourself- the uh- the- you told me the name? But I forgot it. But when you get really hard on yourself. We can come up with coping skills with that. I mean we have a bit already, but we can work with communicating more as well as helping validate you.”

“Communicate more?”

Roman turned to face Patton, swinging one of his legs onto the bed.

“Mhmm,” Pat agreed, carefully taking one of his hands.

Roman wasn’t good in the kitchen. Which was pretty much the same as bad. He was letting down- no failing- his husbands.

“Okay. Uh, well. I’m feeling sorta bad about the kitchen thing.”

“What about the kitchen thing?” Patton asked as he rubbed small circles with his thumb on the back of Roman’s hand.

Gosh Roman did not want to explain. Especially after learning that not everyone did this. Roman was just such a failure letting his husbands down.

“I feel like- I’m letting you down? With cooking? And that’s kinda spiraling to letting you down in general? That I’ve failed as a spouse?” Roman shared.

“Oh honey,” Patton said, “Okay that’s valid, you feeling like you letting us down is very valid, you’re allowed to feel that way. But you are absolutely not letting us down one bit. Even if you stopped cooking all together, you wouldn’t be letting us down. All we need from you is you. That’s it.”

“Yeah but- I make more work for the rest of you.”

Roman sighed and leaned against the headrest of the bed.

“I can’t cook alone,” Patton reminded, “Is that a problem?”

“Of course not!” Roman was quick to insist.

“Okay. Well why is it different for you?”

“It’s just- It’s-”

Roman should be able to control this. This wasn’t something he should struggle with. He was invalid, incapable, a disappointment.

“It’s how your brain works Roman, that’s just how it is. That’s okay. All I’m saying is that if you want, I’m sure we can come up with some better ways to support you. You don’t- Roman we love you for you. Whatever that means. You haven’t failed us or yourself.”

Roman felt like he had. But maybe Patton was right. Because- because this was just the RSD wasn’t it? It was his brain working differently, telling him he was bad and a failure when really he isn’t. He isn’t.

It was hard to believe and it was hard to fight but it was easier now that Roman had a word for it.

“Okay. Yeah,” Roman said.

“There’s also medications for ADHD if you feel like some of the symptoms are greatly impacting your daily functioning.”

“I think it does impact me,” Roman admitted, “Like a lot? But not to a point where I’m not able to function or struggle to function. So for now I think I’m going to table meds, but keep my mind open.”

“Okay,” Patton agreed easily, “Of course. We’re here to support you.”

Roman smiled down at him, and Patton pressed a kiss into his hand.

“Need anything from me?” Roman asked after a minute. Patton looked up at him with a soft smile, but the pain he was in was clear in his eyes.

“Lay with me?” Patton asked, “Just careful please.”

“Of course,” Roman agreed, and slowly made his way to do so.

“Ughhhhh,” Roman groaned, flopping straight onto the couch as he entered the room.

Virgil snorted from his position in a chair next to the couch.

“Don’t laugh at me,” Roman whined.

“Sorry, sorry,” Virgil said, most certainly still laughing. “Bad day at work?”

“Mm. Kinda? Not really? Ugh I dunno. I’m done thinking.”

Roman took this opportunity to smoosh his face into a pillow and groan even louder.

“Pretty sure if you're done thinking that means you’re dead,” Virgil remarked around his groans.

“Ughhhhhhhhh. But thinking is exhausting.”

Kit came to investigate him at that moment, pawing and poking with his nose and a wagging tail. He brought over a toy and dropped it onto Roman as he continued to bug him.

“Ugh you’re so cute,” Roman said. He lifted his head slightly and gave Kit a few pets and ear scratches. “Good boy.”

Kit perked up at the words and his tail wagged even harder.

“So, work?” Virgil prompted, pulling Roman’s attention back.

“Right. Ugh. So I’ve been thinking about getting an ADHD diagnosis.”

“Okay,” Virgil said, because this wasn’t news. Roman had mentioned it earlier that week, that he had ADHD and was now considering getting a diagnosis for it. Everyone had taken it in stride and worked on supporting him.

“Yeah but of course that meant that’s all I could think about today. Which means I couldn’t focus on anything. Which I’m now learning is an ADHD thing. Weird. Oh! But what I was saying was- I can’t decide.”

“If you want a diagnosis?”

“Yup!” Roman agreed, popping up and sitting to face Virgil. “Like- I don’t know if it’s something I need? Like I know I have ADHD so why do I need proof? But also getting a diagnosis could be validating? And there’s so many other pros and cons and I don’t know how to choose.”

“Oh. I bet that’s frustrating.”

“It is,” Roman groaned.

Virgil typed a bit on his computer before looking back over to Roman.

“Hey Roman, wanna know something?” he said.

“What?”

“Indecisiveness is also a symptom of ADHD.”

There was a pause before Roman dramatically buried his face back into the couch cushions and screamed.

“Oh fuck me!” Roman exclaimed, “Fucking everything’s going to be a symptom of ADHD at this rate.”

He’d figure out this whole diagnosis thing another day. (Or maybe not. Who knew anymore? At least he figured out he had ADHD, that was a solid enough of a starting point). But for now, screaming into a couch would have to satisfy him.

~~~

taglist below

-ask to be added or removed-

@mewithanie @eddies-spaghetti @lemonyellowlogic @savioursailor @goldteethandacurseforthistown @you-betcha-weirdo

#colupdate #jksf #ts roman #ts virgil #ts logan #ts patton #ts sides #sanders sides #adhd #roman has adhd #calm #lamp #fan fiction #fanfiction #ao3 #my writing #mywriting

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years

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Okay hi can i just pls throw out this idea i have in my head because i have literally zero friends to talk about malec with and i love your blog fhksghs but anyway i have this headcanon that alec is autistic because like, he's kind of stiff in his movements and he's straight to the point matter of fact but he's so very very empathetic and he feels so much and maybe he's been masking his entire life because his way of being is "Wrong" (and on top of that he gay) and people beside his siblings (1)

don't really get him and honestly the fact that he doesn't always find the words to express himself especially when he's scared and upset makes sense and maybe with the masking thing the only way of stimming he's ever allowed himself is that jerky lil hand shake thing he does or the pinching of the skin between his fingers. also!! im thinking that's why he's so good at archery and not AS good at hand to hand combat because archery doesn't take as much coordination and he noticed it was easy for him so he kind of hyperfixated on it as a kid and it never really left and it makes sense with the self harm thing. it's so common for autistic kids to take out their frustrations and sadness on themselves and if alec doesn't allow himself to stim that jittery energy might just turn into frustration and anger he doesn't understand or know what to do with so causing pain to get it out becomes the only way he knows how to cope. anyway THE POINT i'm trying to make is i've kind of adopted the headcanon that magnus has adhd as well so he kind of complements alec where he struggles and the other way around and as they get to know each other they kind of start finding new ways of coping together and allowing themselves to be exactly as they are with each other. alec finds ways to stop masking and starts to come to terms with who he is and what he's like because he's never really identified with anything but his masked persona and magnus finally has someone who understands him

also i get that like... this headcanon is not new at all. i just haven't seen it being discussed a lot just like magnus having adhd is something i came across like two days ago so idk how big that headcanon is but yeah snglbghk sorry for taking up so much space i guess im a lil fixated hehe thank you for your time

okay, first of all i just want to say that i’m thrilled that you wanted to share this with me, specifically, especially since this is clearly meaningful and important to you. and don’t apologize, i love getting ranty asks tbh, they are the best dajsaijdadja

for the hc! i totally agree with you on autistic alec, that’s not an uncommon hc because yeah he does have like... a lot of autistic traits lmao (altho there’s a lot of hm. gross ableist content involving this. but anyway) like i’ve been talking recently on here about alec’s honesty and his complete unwillingness and even unability to understand like, mind games and flirting and such and how that draws magnus in, and i definitely think that is directly connected to his autism. like the whole throwing hints and innuendos and flirting ;) ;) just doesn’t fucking make sense to him and he’s very in contact with his feelings and why would he not? be direct about them? you know? and magnus has had to basically teach himself to be able to do that (because well autism and adhd overlap and he’s probably had to struggle a lot to pick on social cues too, and learn these little tricks. this also probably has to do with the personality that he chose for himself, like, that whole over exaggerated over the top kind of careless thing, because then he can pass off his rambley tendencies and other ADHD traits as just... him being careless, i guess. so he lays it particularly thick so that the parts that are actually there - his tendencies to ramble and hyperfocus, lack of attention, sometimes unawareness of social cues - end up less visible under the veil of his exaggerated persona) and it’s so damn good. and important. to not have to. to be basically forced not to. because alec doesn’t engage in those. he’s completely honest. and he offers magnus a space where he can be, too

and i just duahdsiuahda love autistic/adhd solidarity malec (and also autistic/adhd solidarity mag&raph but that’s another topic. lêx shut the fuck up about raphael challenge. actually send me asks about autistic raphael pls yall). especially because like i said. magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to mask his ADHD traits! but it’s exhausting, and god it feels so good and he’s so fucking happy that he gets to stim, and ramble, and just be himself with alec

even if it definitely takes him a while. i think longer than it takes alec. because alec 1- is not as good as magnus at hiding it, and 2- sees no reason to hide them from magnus, because once he trusts, he trusts, and he’s all in. i think what would take alec the longest would be to stim - because he’s so used to suppressing those it’s almost second nature - but stimming is exactly the one thing that magnus still kind of allows himself. especially with magic, you see the way he’s always conjuring up little balls, doing sparks with his hands, rubbing his fingers together, etc etc etc. and alec picks up on that, the ways that he stims subtly and without hurting himself and maybe starts doing it too. we even get to see him rubbing his fingers in a similar way that magnus does sometimes, after they meet, and i think that might be the beginning of that process

so that definitely applies to what you said about them helping each other out with their greatest difficulties! like magnus is most uncomfortable letting go of hiding his traits, and alec is most uncomfortable with stimming, and they slowly- well, not coax each other into it, but walk that path together, especially as they also walk their career paths and earn more respect and space, and their relationship path and learn to be more open and earnest with each other and work together. you know? magnus sees that alec keeps picking at his own skin and hands, and he’s like... all lovingly healing him, and telling him that he should stop hurting himself, and alec tells him that it’s just. that he feels like the world is so sharp, sometimes, and he just has all that energy, and he doesn’t know how to let it out, and it’s too much, but he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he just. picks at his skin. and magnus looks up at him, brows a little furrowed, a little in shock and also. a good kind of surprise because he understands? and he’s happy that someone else understands? and that he can help with this?

and so magnus is like “i feel like that a lot, too. having magic helps, but well, there are other things i do” and then he tells alec about how he rubs his fingers together instead of picking at the skin and how he taps them and does the little wrist shaking thing and how that helps. and alec starts to figure out other ways to stim that work for him and don’t hurt him. magnus also tells him about jewelry and how that helps, having stuff to fidget with/focus on, and well alec is not big on jewelry but maybe he starts wearing a chain under his shirt, and there’s always the wedding band :) which we already see him fiddling with a lot in canon anyway so i definitely think it serves the same purpose for him as magnus’ jewelry do magnus. plus, it’s grounding and reminds him of them, which is also a bonus

and then there’s also everything we see in canon, about alec just. wanting magnus to be exactly himself and telling him that? seeing the way magnus is tapping his foot and then stops when he approaches, and he’s like “you can keep going,” or the way that he sometimes approaches magnus and is all like “i can tell you’re thinking too hard about this conversation. i don’t want you to say anything but what you feel. it’s okay” and magnus slowly relaxes and allows himself. or when he catches himself mid rant about his hyperfixation and he feels ashamed but he turns to alec, about to apologize because he just started talking way too much and way too fast about fucking wormholes and astrophysics again and alec is probably bored- but he turns and alec is staring at him with his usual, open adoration that always takes his breath away, and alec is like “no, i love hearing you talk” because even if he doesn’t understand what magnus is talking about, he loves how excited he is and to see him happy. plus his voice is so nice and pretty and just hmmm very good for the senses you know, like it’s just nice to focus on. so magnus does that little half smile of his, super pleased, and keeps talking, except this time gesticulating even more wildly and like flapping and going into detail without holding back, and he’s just so happy, and alec is so happy, and so in love with him duaudsaa

also them being sensorial heaven for each other :) alec wanting to hold magnus after he’s had A Day, and he just wraps himself around him and buries his face on his neck and feels his presence there, you know, focuses on him and his touch and hair and nice clothes (magnus picks clothes pretty much based on texture because he can’t stand some, and others, like silk, are just perfect so he has a bunch of those, and alec likes the same textures too so that’s great) and stops focusing on other noises and light and other things that might be giving him a bit of overload, you know? but also he doesn’t feel like, trapped, so it’s great. while magnus is enveloped in his arms and having all that stimuli from alec touching him and again he can laser focus on that and feel like his brain calms down a little. and it’s perfect for them both. sensory healing cuddles. perfect

and when either of them feels like having their space or not touching because Too Much, that’s okay too, because they both 1- understand, and 2- are mindful of each other’s space always. magnus especially, we see how he’s very careful with getting into other ppl’s and particularly alec’s space, and alec appreciates it because he never feels invaded. but he also learns when magnus needs space, be it alone or just a broad space to Flap Around in, and he always gives him that when he needs it, and magnus is so grateful for that. and it’s just duaihdsiahdasidaihahdah god i fucking love adhd/autistic solidarity malec thank u for coming to my ted talk

#ask #anonymous #aa #adhd magnus bane #autistic alec lightwood #sh #shadowhunters #long post #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #ezra squick

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bekionist · 4 years

Text

Questions I typically hear about schizophrenia:

1) Why don't they just stay on their meds?

There are loads of reasons for this because it depends on the person, but it boils down to a few things. 1) They don't like how the meds feel. Meaning the meds we take are antipsychotics, they fix an imbalance in our brain, they fix a CHEMICAL problen, therefore the meds changes thing and a lot of them have side effects that sometimes we are forced to accept because no other meds or combination works. 2) It is the only thing they can control. Everyone knows how it feels to be trapped and wanting to have some type of control. When you're entire life is chaos, and you want control, sometimes the only thing a schizophrenic can control is taking their meds (or not taking them). 3) It's weird. We hear voices and see things all the time and all of sudden you expect us to be perfectly comfortable with the idea that my day-to-day that I've adapted to is about to change? That those voices and other hallucinations will just happen less? It's WEIRD definitely for the folks who've lived with it for most of their lives.

2) What are voices like?

Imagine being in a room with a bunch of people who are talking, but no one actually is in the room with you, and they are commenting on everything you are thinking, seeing, saying, etc.

3) Isn't scary living like that, seeing things and hearing things that arent there, isn't it scary?

Yes and no. Yes, becsuse of course it is scary seeing things and hearing things that aren't real, and of course it makes life uncomfortable and unnerving. But also no because you get used to it. This disorder doesn't go away, you eventually come to terms about it, and just move on. Some are better at it than others, it just depends on the person. But yes, it is obviously scary, I have heard things and have seen things that only nightmares could create, no one wants to see/hear those types of things all the time.

4) What do the voices say?

Depends the person and studies have shown it also depends where you are from. Me personally they say so many things it's like having a peanut gallery in my head. They nitpick things, mimic familar voices, say horrible things, scream, or just say nonsense. It's a room full of people so many things can be said.

5) Can you talk to the voices/hallucinations?

Yes. That being said, most don't, or only do because it's exhausting having random voices taunting you all day.

It can cause things to get worse, which is why most do not. Understand hallucinations can "interact" with the person's surroundings, so interacting with the hallucinations makes reality shaky.

6) What is dissociation and what is it like?

Dissociation is a loss of reality. It is different for everyone but what I commonly hear and also I personally describe it as being dropped somewhere and having no clue why you are there. Like being dropped in someone else's life and you're now the side character. You're whole reality feels fake, like watching a 3D movie. You're unsure what is real, things can seem brighter or darker. For me personal moods/vibes can affect how my dissociation plays out.

7) Are schizophrenics violent?

Schizophrenics are more likely to be a VICTIM of violence than an perpetrator of violence. We have violent thoughts, most are centered around violence to us, it can be focused on other things but most do not act on it. The thoughts are usually from the voices, so the schizophrenic does not want to do what the voices want. If one gets violent, something set them off, schizophrenics don't just get violent randomly. Meaning something someone said or did set something off with the voices or the episode and caused the violence. Similar to people with autism.

8) Are schizophrenics crazy (making a statement into a question)?

Yes and no. We have a psychotic disorder, so obviously the disorder itself is crazy. No, because you're idea of crazy isn't the crazy a schizophrenic is. You're thinking of when we are dissociating, when we are not mentally there, when we are having an episode. Our crazy is, by accident replying to the voices because you thought it was an actualy person, making random sounds, sitting in strange, uncomfortable positions, hallucinating. Thats what crazy is to a schizophrenic. Those are crazaay things that happen to us. I cannot tell you how many times the voices mimicked my mother calling for me and i replied and ran down to her to find out she wasn't even home.

Obviously, those other things are crazy, but thats the disorder we can't do anything about, we can do as much about it as much as an ADHD kid can do with staying focus. It's the disorder, we are trying, give us a break.

9) How do you live like that?

Honestly, you just do. For some like myself, i grew up with it so it is easier to live with it, for others who didn't. They had to learn acceptance. It's hard, and it can be really funny at times. Once you accept that you're life will be like this forever, forever hearing voices, forver seeing things, forever losing touch with reality, forever all the other symptoms, you make do, you adapt, you find humor in the misery. We live like this because the other choice is death and that is NOT the answer-- acceptance and adjusting is.

10) Best advice to give to someone who has it/someone you know has it?

Patience is key to this disorder. Be patient because your life will never be the same again. Your life before this disorder unfortunately isn't coming back the way you imagined it because now the disorder is part of it. Be patient with yourself, this is a new you, a new life, you need time to adjust and learn. Be patient, it won't be easy, this disorder is know for how difficult it is to live with, so be patient, learn what works for you, get support/help, and keep going.

This applies to all schizophrenia types. This disorder is hard to live with, education and support are key.

#schizophrenia #mental disorder #mental health #schizoaffective #actuallyschizoaffective #q&a #questions and answers #voices #hallucinations

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ladyautie · 4 years

Text

get to know me more!

@funyasm tagged me and I’m bored after writing my chapter, so here it is!

✨ what do you prefer to be called name wise?

My name’s Sophie. My friends call me Spencou or Spence. We met on a Role-Playing game forum where I played a character named Spencer. We’re used to call each other by our characters’ names and nicknames, most of the time. My brother calls me Sis’.

✨ when is your birthday?

15th november 1993.

✨ where do you live?

Paris, France.

✨ three things you are doing right now?

I’m watching an episode of AT4W on youtube, scrolling on Tumblr and I’m drinking a coffee.

✨ four fandoms that have piqued your interest right now?

Definitely It and especially Eddie Kaspbrak and the ship Reddie. I’m kinda obsessed right now, writing fanfic, reading fanfic, daydreaming about it and all.

I just played the Last of Us 2 and I’m currently watching a let’s play from my favorite youtubers, Mari and Stacy from Geek Remix. I’ll probably read a few fics as well.

The tv show Barry (HBO) is a definite special interest for me. I’m probably going to watch it all once again real soon and I’m planning on writing a fanfic or two in the future. I’m dying for the third season to come.

Finally, I’m probably going to be super into The Umbrella Academy once again, when the second season will be released. I’m just really into Vanya, Klaus and Allison and I can’t wait to see more of them.

✨ how is the pandemic treating you?

None of the people I know have been contaminated, so I’m lucky about that. I’m not quarantined anymore, back to work, and the transition is not easy.

I feel like I’m more openly autistic than I used to be and that I can’t stand the rest of the world for a long period of time. I’ve experienced multiple meltdowns and shutdowns and I have real difficulties to socialize with most people or to focus on my work.

I feel incredibly naked and vulnerable whenever I’m leaving my flat without my mask on, so I think that’s definitely something I’m gonna have to work on in the future.

Leaving Paris and meeting my folks for my mother’s wedding, I found myself surrounded by people who mostly didn’t care about the virus, kissing each other on the cheek in true french fashion to say hello, hugging, not wearing a mask, not respecting any kind of social distance.

I was quickly overwhelmed by all of that, plus the noise, and I had to isolate myself in my parents’ car, sobbing hysterically and willing to suffer in a overheated car if it meant having a bit of peace.

There are definitely going to be long-term consequences. I can only hope that my physical health will remain okay, though.

✨ song you can’t stop listening right now?

Keep On by Sasha Sloan. I just really love the lyrics and the message.

✨ recommend a movie.

Whenever I have to think of a movie to recommend, Frank by Lenny Abrahamson is the first one that comes to my mind. This movie is an obsession for me since the first time I watched it and I often find myself watching it again and again. Despite its heavy subjects, it’s definitely a comfort movie for me.

Too often, movies featuring mentally ill characters will aim for the characters to “get better”, which doesn’t mean for them to find healthy ways to cope with their issues, but usually for them to look more “neurotypical-like”, if you know what I mean. Frank doesn’t go that way at all. On the contrary, it pushes the viewer to empathize with the main characters and to understand their point of view, their way of being.

It’s so incredibly comforting to watch a movie featuring mental illness realistic and not romanticized and to have the movie say “you’re different and you have issues, but you’ll find your tribe someday and be able to find your own happiness, even if it’s unconventional by society’s standards”.

I don’t know, I just have so much feelings about this movie. Plus the music slaps, the humor is hilarious (kudos to the random French guy who can perfectly understand English but refuses to utter a single word if it’s not in French) and the actors are truly on point (I can only salute Domnhall Gleeson, among everyone else who is also worthy of praise, because he definitely managed to make me hate his character in a way I almost never hated a character before).

Watch it!

✨ how old are you?

I’m 26 years old.

✨ school, university, occupation, other?

I used to be a librarian, but I couldn’t find a stable job in this field, so I passed an entrance examination and I’m now working in the tax administration. Yeah, not really glamorous, but it pays the bills and I’m accommodated for my disability, so it helps.

✨ do you prefer hot or cold?

Definitely cold. When I was a kid, I used to swim in mountain lakes, at temperatures close to 13° celsius, and I still take my showers mostly cold. I can’t stand heat, I get headaches very easily when it’s sunny and I’m getting confused easily whenever it’s too hot. I recently had a nosebleed at work so intense that I found myself spitting blood (it went better once I got a fan, making the temperature bearable).

✨ name one fact others may not know about you.

I used to be allergic to my own sweat when I was around 18, until my early twenties. Whenever I was doing a mild physical effort or getting stressed out, I would get hives and itchy skin rash all over my whole freaking body, which was so exhausting that I would fall asleep immediately as soon as the rash was gone.

It disappeared as suddenly as it appeared, without me ever doing something about it. I still don’t know why I experienced that and if I’m going to experience that ever again. I hope not.

✨ are you shy?

My autism makes social interactions complicated, but I’d say I’m mostly impaired by my social anxiety and the various traumas I’m dealing with daily.

Traumas I got after having been bullied pretty badly by kids and teachers during my school years, my stepfather being borderline abusive and different traumatic experiences, including my childhood crush dying from a ski accident when I was 15 or so (and me never being able to tell him that I loved him) and people betraying me so many times that I can’t even recall every little thing.

As a result, I find myself doubting constantly that I’m worthy of love, affection and respect and I often wonder when I’ll do or say the “wrong” thing that will cause me to lose everyone I care about. I also have a hard time knowing who I am and, as a result, allowing everyone to know who I am as well.

I often don’t know what to say and will find myself keeping my mouth shut, even on topics I’m knowledgeable about, because I’m scared of people shutting me down, among other things. My friends make it easier for me to talk about things I like and all, but I’m still heavily doubting myself.

I try to challenge myself regularly. I’ll force myself to take part in events that are taxing or that are forcing me to perform in front of people. That’s how I found myself taking part in the casting part of the french equivalent of “American Idol” (I merely met the pre-judges, but I did manage to sing my whole song in front of them). I needed to prove to myself that I could do it.

✨ do you have any preferred pronouns?

I’m using she/her, but I don’t mind people using they/them to talk about me if they don’t want to be gender-specific.

✨ any pet peeves?

I hate how people can freely and openly be homophobic, racist, ableist, transphobic, sexist and so on, but as soon as I open my mouth to let them know that what they said/did wasn’t appropriate, I’m labelled as one of those “hysterical feminists” or a “party pooper”. s/ Sorry if your antisemitic joke isn’t making me laugh, my “dear” colleague... /s I hate whenever people infantilize me, especially my mom. She’s still keeping an eye on my bank account, despite me telling her that I didn’t want her to do so again and again. I don’t dare to block her out, because I’m scared of her emotional reaction. I hate the ugliest parts of fandom, notably the obsession with “who’s topping / who’s bottoming” whenever there’s a gay pairing or the racism / ableism / transphobia / homophobia I’ve witnessed again and again.

I don’t dare to engage in the Last of Us 2 fandom because of that and the way some people describe the character of Abby (a very muscular woman), focusing on her physical appearance and calling her awful names (being downright transphobic when they thought that she was the transgender character that Naughty Dog announced there would be in their game).

✨ what’s your favorite “dere” type?

I had to google it, because aside from Yandere and Tsundere, I didn’t know a thing about it. I guess you could say I’m a Dandere (someone who is quiet and asocial. They are afraid to talk, fearing that what they say will get them in trouble.).

My favorite type is Kuudere though, when it comes to anime in particular (someone who is calm and collected on the outside, and never panics. They show little emotion, and in extreme cases are completely emotionless, but may be hiding their true emotions. They tend to be leaders who are always in charge of a situation.).

My favorite anime character, Kiyotaka Ayanokōji from the anime Classroom of the elite, is the most extreme case I can think about. He’s completely expressionless for most of the anime, talks with a very dull voice and it’s impossible to know what he’s thinking about at all times or what’s his overall plan. His hidden depth makes him all the more fascinating. He managed to keep me interested in a mostly meh anime.

✨ rate your life 1-10. 1 being really crappy and 10 being the best you could ever be.

It’s a bit hard, but somewhere around 5 or 6? I went through tons of crap in my life but I’m still here and able to live on my own, even if my quality of life isn’t all that good. I live with nearly daily suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager and have to compose with my meltdowns and anxiety attacks as well. I feel “other” most of the time and I can’t relate to most people I’m meeting and interacting with, which can sometimes feel very lonely.

On the other hand, I have wonderful friends who are willing to put up with my trauma crap and are overall amazing to talk to and be around. I have a cat I love dearly. They’re the reason why I’m still alive to this day, giving me a reason to say fuck off to my suicidal thoughts.

✨ what’s your main blog?

My main blog is Ladyautie and is about autism. I have another blog, reddie-4-more, focusing on the It movies and Eddie Kaspbrak and Richie Tozier.

✨ is there anything you think people need to know about you before becoming friends with you?

So, uh, don’t be weirded out by the kind of things I can tell you about my past. Even if it seems a lot, all of it is definitely true.

For example, I was almost kidnapped when I was around 8 or 9 by a random guy, while I was camping with my father.

My father and my paternal grandmother actually kidnapped me and my brother when I was around two and I stayed with him until the social workers determined that my mother had to raise us again because our well-being and overall life were threatened.

Lots of events of my life seem far-fetched or out of a movie / a book or something and I had people telling me that I must be lying or that I’m over-exaggerating, something that always hurts deeply.

I’m terribly awkward and more or less openly autistic, so you’re definitely going to notice something different about me. I can’t change for you and I’m not willing to hide my traits only to make you feel more comfortable about frequenting me, so if you can’t handle my socially anxious and disabled ass, then just leave.

I need people to actually tell me what they think or feel. I’m very “first degree” and I’m pretty bad at guessing what people are thinking about. Don’t be afraid to be frank.

Finally, never, and I mean never, infantilize me. I’m a 26 years old woman. I’m not a kid.I’m fine with my friends offering to help or making sure that I’m okay or so, but never assume that I don’t understand something and don’t force your help on me if I say that I’m okay.

That’s it, those who want to take part in this exercise, don’t hesitate!

#tag game #not entirely autism related #suicide mention

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