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iz-a-simp · 3 years

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I WAITED (Todoroki Shoto)

This is my first ever fan fiction posted in here. I hope you all enjoy it :)

You could feel the right side of the bed losing its weight causing your eyes to flutter open from the sudden emptiness you feel only to see the radiating light being blocked by the thick curtain you have in your beloved room. The red and white curtain, first ever décor that has been bought for the room because you thought it would match the looks of your lovely husband, Todoroki Shoto. A soft smile was carved in your face knowing that those faint footsteps belonged to the man you tied your life with.

I’ll Wait…

“Good morning, Shoto” you greeted. “Good morning to you too, Y/N.” Despite the hollowness his voice hold, your beam never failed to leave your lips. His very presence in the mornings was your daily dose of vitamins, it’s what keeps you alive and positive about this relationship.

“What would you want for breakfast?” it took him long to say it but in the back of your mind you already knew what it was “Cold soba” you both say at the same time. His giggle always has this big impact on you making you madly blush. He was never the one to show his emotions after all.

You crawled out of your bed. Stretching every inch of your stiff body as you make your way to the kitchen to prepare your husband’s meal while he refresh himself with a bath. It didn’t took long making his favorite food just the right time to be served as he finished dressing himself up.

“Where you off to today?” Seeing that your wearing your hero costume?” you asked setting down the bowl in your hand “My father’s company, he mentioned something like a villain attack near their location so I was called. You?” he answered.

“I see. Classes at U.A. are suspended so I’m thinking of doing a patrol this afternoon. Are you coming home for dinner? ” You eyed him anticipating for his answer “I’m sorry, I may not be able to come home for dinner” and with that he left leaving only his empty bowl.

Empty…Alone

It was one of the hundred times he did this and you still weren’t getting used to it. He left you at the dining table without even a single good bye, a kiss, a hug, nothing. It’s not like your expecting one anyways, but still it wouldn’t be wrong to desire his attention right?

I’ll wait…

You let this pass by again, setting those unsettling thoughts and emotions aside. You didn’t want to ruin the “special” day ahead of you, supposedly.

“Special”? Was it really a thing for this marriage?

5 years, for this 5 damn years you’ve endured everything, you try your best to understand him, you were so considerate. You never nag, you always flash him the warmest smile you could give, you cook him the best meal, you never let him do the chores because he’s tired, you shower him with attention. You poured out everything just to be the best wife but even a single affection he couldn’t give.

I’ll wait…

----FLASHBACK---

Your back was facing him, sitting at the end of your shared bed.

“Don’t you think we should end this Shoto?” You could hear your poor heart tearing with every word that came out of your mouth. You tried to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

“Y/N please don’t decide on things that quickly” he objected grabbing me by the shoulder.

“That’s why I’m asking you. Should we end this marriage we were forced into?” his head hanged low.

Silence.

You gently brushed off his grasp on your shoulder and weakly stood up but a sudden force pulled you down and you found yourself wrapped in his warmth.

“Give me time. Please, don’t leave me...”

“Please wait for me…”

The tears you were holding back one by one trickled on your cheeks. Your cries filled the noiseless space.

You were mad at yourself for being swayed.

You were crazy for falling in love with him, but you didn’t care.

You hated how easy you have become for him, how easy it is for him to shatter the walls you have worked hard to build between you two.

You hated how willing you were to waste a hundred years for him.

You couldn’t shut him down. You couldn’t.

Your heart was yearning for him. You were thrilled to receive more than just a hug from him.

That’s why when he pleaded, you complied.

----PRESENT TIME----

Hours, minutes, seconds passed. In your palm laid the velvet box that has the jewellery you found perfect for him. A gift for your 5th anniversary.

You started to feel the burning sensation in your back for sitting so long. The smoke floating on top of the food you’ve made vanished. The candles that gave life to the atmosphere melted staining the silky white table cloth with its red hue. The speaker that blasted romantic songs hushed leaving you with the ticking sounds of the grandfather clock you owned.

You spammed him with messages, it was already past 11. You put your phone down releasing a heavy sigh. You tapped a contact on your phone.

*RING* *RING* *RING*

“Hello my daughter? What makes you call at this hour?” his voice always makes you tremble. “Endeav- Ohhh I mean father I was just wondering if Shoto’s okay, he hasn’t replied to any of my messages yet and I’m just worried” you answered.

“Shoto? He excused himself this afternoon, so I let him be, he may be preparing something for your anniversary.” He said teasingly but still I could feel his stoic self. “Happy anniversary to the both of you!”

“Ohh Thank you father. I think I shall end this call now” sadness was evident in your voice as you pressed the red button. There was silence once again.

“Endeavor greeted me before his son did. Endeavor remembered what day is today yet his son, forget it.” You whispered to the air.

I’ll wait…

*ding*

Just as you opened the notification the door also opened revealing your husband still in his hero suit. You turned it off, you made the sweetest smile you could possibly do. But...

The surprised look on his face hurt you. Reality slapped you real hard that you didn’t notice the tears flowing down.

“Silly me to think you’ll remember” I said chuckling.

“Y/N-“he moved closer.

“No, no, please” you backed away a step or few. It was the first time to see you not wanting his touch, his kiss, his warmth. Most especially, you didn’t want his sorry. You were tired of that word leaving from his lips over and over again.

“Y/N please let me explain-“

“I said NO! I don’t need you sorry nor your explanation. You know what I need? For this stupid marriage to end!” His eyes went wide not for the fact that you didn’t let him explain it was because this was the first you had raised your voice at him.

“I’m tired Shoto! I’m tired of loving you, of understanding you, of pretending to be okay even if I’m not! Just how many sorry should I receive? Just how many explanations do I have to listen to? Answer me honestly; is there something left for me to wait on? Cause I lost too much. My freedom, my happiness, my days that could be meaningful, my time. I lost too much love that I could not give one to myself. I gave them all to you! I gave them all and yet here I am still waiting, still begging for the love of a husband for his perfect wife! I don’t think I could do this anymore. I’m sorry but I waited too much. Let’s just put an end to this” your eyes was on the ground, you could not face him it will just widen the wound you were carrying.

You watched as the ring on your finger slowly slipped off.

*thud*

How long has it been since you find yourself engulfed in his arms? How long has it been since you tasted those soft lips?

5 years? 2 years?

Here he was giving you hopes, making you think that he cares, that his trying when he’s really not.

“I love you Y/N”

Stupid! You’re just lonely, you just pity me because after all it was your father who pushed me to fall in this situation, you thought. You have no family to go back to and he knew that. That’s why you were certain on why he was holding on to you.

There was only one in the world and it was him. You needed him and you keep pushing yourself to him but he was getting farther and farther away from you.

You wanted to hug him back, to stay by his side, to hold his hand, to continue loving him, to build a future with him. But you were tired.

You released yourself from him and looked into his eyes for the last time. You sneaked in the velvet box and your phone in his hands.

As he opened it, it showed the necklace you ought to give him and the ring that bounds you two together and sees a picture of him with an unfamiliar lass.

*Smile*

“No you don’t Shoto.”

It was your turn to leave him there. You were truly sorry, you were but you have finally gotten out of the endless pit.

“Please don’t forget that I waited.”

#todoroki shōto #shoto #todoroki x you #todoroki angst #enji todoroki #todoroki x y/n #todoroki x reader #todoroki family #boku no hero x y/n #boku no hero x reader #boku no hero x you #boku no hero #angst #oneshot #my hero academia fan fic #my hero academia #arrange marriage

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dothwrites · 4 years

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15.09 coda--the name of love practiced

Forgiveness is the name of love practiced amongst those who love poorly. The hard truth is that all people love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour increasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family.--Henri J.M. Nouwen

---

Castiel carries the weight of Dean’s prayer.

It rests around his neck like the sweetest of nooses, like the softest of shackles and he never wants to let it go.

It’s been years since he’s heard Dean’s voice through the celestial fibers that keep him connected to the universe. Dean was an itinerate petitioner at best, and through the last few years, he’s stopped listening. But when Dean’s voice had clawed through the ever-present static in his mind, it had been enough for Castiel to stop dead in his tracks.

He can remember before, what it was like--the terror dogging his every step, the constant running, blipping in and out of existence through every facet of Purgatory as he tried to stay ahead of the Leviathan. And through it all--Dean’s prayers followed him. Castiel had hoarded them close to his heart at the same time that he’d fled from them, terrified that the prayers would somehow alert the Leviathan to Dean’s whereabouts, terrified for Dean’s safety, horrified at everything that he’d done--

Castiel swallows and Dean’s prayer moves with the bob of his throat.

He never told Dean that it’s not just words that get transmitted along the wavelengths of prayer. Feelings seep through the connection as well, if those emotions are strong enough. And Dean...Dean has the purest, strongest emotions that Castiel’s ever encountered. Whatever he’s feeling, he feels, with every facet of his body.

The longing hasn’t changed in almost seven years.

I heard your prayer, he’d said, because he’d also heard what was in Dean’s voice along with the prayer. The yearning had dripped off of every word and it was sweet, it was a balm to whatever he has in place of a soul--and it wasn’t enough.

And it should have been. It’s everything that he thought he wanted--an apology, recognition, validation...Except it’s not enough, and he doesn’t know why, except that he does.

There’s something that I need to tell you, Dean said, hope brimming in his eyes and spilling over his lips and Castiel...Castiel had been unable to hear it.

---

Sam’s grief hangs over the bunker, even after he goes to bed. Dean floats through the empty spaces and cleans up the lingering remnants of their last chance. A glass put away here, a sigil scrubbed there.

He comes to the knife still stained with flecks of Cas’ blood.

Cas’ face had never wavered as the knife sliced through his flesh. He’d never hesitated as he made the decision to take on the Mark, a decision that Dean knows from experience would consume him. Once again, Cas never hesitated before he made the decision to throw himself onto the fire and that...

He doesn’t know what he would have said in Purgatory. Some horrific mangling of the words that have been trying to escape him for over ten years now, no doubt. A garbled version of love and want that got mixed up with self-loathing and anger and deeper, darker versions of the definitions of friend, of love, of need.

And then Cas had said I heard your prayer, which that was all well and good, but there was more. Dean was done then. Done being a coward, done pretending that he didn’t want what he wanted. Done pushing Cas away with some twisted version of heroism motivating him.

Cas has always deserved better than anything that Dean could give him, but Cas is still here in spite of that, and hell. Dean’s done talking himself out what he wants.

Cas has pretty much laid all of his cards out on the table. He did a long time ago.

And with everything that’s happened, Dean wonders why he’s still playing.

---

He finds Cas in the kitchen. Why Cas likes to hang out here, Dean will never know; it’s not as though he’s hankering for a midnight snack.

But then he thinks he understands--no matter that their kitchen is industrial in nature, meant to feed a multitude instead of a family, there’s still comfort to be found in the place where food is cooked. There’s a heart in the kitchen that’s missing from every other part of the bunker. Even empty, it speaks of a crowd.

Maybe that’s why Cas ends up here so often.

“Hey,” Dean says as he enters. Cas’ head flicks towards him in a quick, convulsive movement. He must be exhausted. It’s rare for Dean to get that kind of reaction out of him.

“Hey,” Cas replies. His eyes are soft around the edges, not with the hard, hunted slice of past weeks. After a moment, Cas asks, “Did Sam go to bed?”

The thought of the loss lingering in the hollows of Sam’s cheeks and in the downturn of his mouth is another thing that’s going to haunt Dean’s passing thoughts, but now isn’t the time for that. Now is finally the time for him to take something for himself.

“Yeah, he’s still pretty tore up over Eileen leaving.” Something complicated passes over Cas’ expression and it’s only after a moment that Dean realizes why Cas might be conflicted about that statement. Perfect.

“Hey, look, Cas, I gotta,” he says at the same time that Cas is saying, “Dean, there’s something that I need--”

They both break off, embarrassed, and wait for the other to speak. When it becomes clear that neither of them are taking the other up on the invitation, Dean gestures to Cas.

With uncharacteristic fidgeting and hesitation, Cas begins. “I never wanted to leave. Not just...not just then.” Cas’ mouth dips downwards in pain and Dean wants nothing more than to wipe that expression off his face, make it so something that wretched never feels comfortable settling into Cas’ features ever again. “I told you a long time ago that I’d rather be with you than anywhere else.” Cas swallows. The tip of his thumb brushes over the corner of his mouth. When he meets Dean’s eyes, it’s with all the self-assurance of an angel and with all the hope of a man. “That’s never changed.”

Dean’s knees go weak. He has to grab onto the edge of the table to keep himself upright. It’s a move that brings his hand perilously close to Cas’. He feels the warmth as Cas’ hand settles over his, easy and natural as breathing.

“Fuck,” he breaths, heat coursing through his body. He locks eyes with Castiel, not afraid, he’s already faced the worst and come out through the other side. “Cas.” His fingers twitch and Castiel’s grip tightens. “You must know. You...you have to know.”

“Always,” Castiel says, with the patience and understanding of eternity.

---

So Dean doesn’t say it there in the kitchen.

But he says it later that night.

He whispers it into the fine hairs of Cas’ temples, into the stubble-rough skin of his cheek, into the upwards curve of his lips, and into the cleft on his chin. He says it through spit-slick lips, gasps it and murmurs it and pants it until he has no voice left. And even then, he tries to say it through the fingers carding through Cas’ hair and the soft brush of their noses together.

Cas curls up behind him, solid and immovable, and Dean lets himself sink back into that warmth. He rests his hand over the arm curved protectively around his belly. Against the back of his neck, Cas smiles. Cas’ fingers splay wide on Dean’s stomach. And this time, Dean takes the invitation and slots his fingers neatly into the spaces left for him.

And then, on the cusp of sleep, he says it again. The words that he never thought he would say to someone other than his blood, the words that he never got to say before, the words that never made it out into the air of Purgatory.

“I love you,” and they come as easy as anything, as natural as Cas’ smile, or their clasped hands, or a thousand other things that Dean never thought would be possible at all.

“I love you,” he repeats. The words echo behind him and Dean falls asleep with the knowledge that the world is still ending, that God still has them in his crosshairs, that his little brother’s heart is broken, and that he might still lose it all, but also that he wasn’t too late.

That he was never too late.

---

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)--e.e. cummings

---

tags! message/reply if you want to be added or removed

@screamatthescreen @queenvee08 @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @dizzypinwheel @stay-inside-the-salt-ring @deansbff @spaceshipkat @rogerslouis @espejonight28738

#spn spoilers #supernatural #destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel fic #spn15 #15.09 #15x09 #15.09 coda #15x09 coda #coda fic #dean winchester #castiel #fare thee well spn #welcome to the end #dothwrites

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ribss · 3 years

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for any of you lovelies suffering/recovering with an ED i just want you to know that it will get better. i know you’re reading this thinking “I’ve heard this time and time again and it still has yet to get better for me” and i am not telling you you’re wrong. i heard this countless times in my therapy/nutrition classes and never paid mind to it because it felt so out of reach for me at the time. i wanted to get better but i physically and mentally could not take the actions needed to facilitate this because my ED had swallowed me whole. my mind no longer processed in the ways it used to and my relationships not only with food but also with loved ones close to me we’re only manipulated by this beast. i felt as if it spit me out cold, naked and afraid with no trace of who i was or who i yearned to be. my fiancé was ready to leave me not because he wanted a quick way out of this bullshit but because he couldn’t stand to see me destroy myself by restriction/binge one after another pound by pound that shed away all too easily because of the hypermetabolic state I lived in for a year. i know that my love for him was greater than anything, even the love i had for destroying myself. i thought 6 week inpatient treatment thousands of miles away from him would give me the quick fix i needed to “get better” so he wouldn’t leave. i knew the weight gained back during inpatient treatment i was a professional at losing and knew would be shed within the first week i got back home. i was wrong. 4 years of counseling didn’t fix me, 4 years of nutrition visits once a week didn’t fix me. i had to confront the beast that took my soul and tore it to shreds and ask it why it had to hurt me & more importantly the ones i loved. it gave me no second of escape from body dysmorphic thoughts, it gave me no second of escape from the living hell i created for not only myself but for the people who stuck by my side through the hell i bestowed upon them without even realizing it. it gave me nothing. I have had this post saved in my drafts for over a year now and i realize that i am still struggling every day with the ED thoughts & body dysmorphia but i am at a point now where i don’t have to act upon them. i have control that I thought I’d never get back. my fiancé and I are now married and i am in nursing school. i never thought i would get to this point in my life and proving to myself that if i can fight this beast, i can tackle anything that comes my way in life. it is the most empowering feeling that i am so grateful to have but i know every case is different and I appreciate and respect each individual one out there because i know most people endured this beast alone. with no one to help guide them through, with no money to pay for weekly therapy/nutrition counseling that was so desperately needed. even though i am “recovered” (and I quote this term because no one with an ED will ever be 100% free of this beast) it does take lifelong therapy and commitment to stay healthy. I still deal with daily body dysmorphic thoughts that ruin my day and i still find my ED trying to destroy the wall that i have built between it and myself. i still see my therapist weekly but i am at a healthy weight, i have energy to do the things i love and the healthy mindset to love my husband back the way he loves me. i am able to conquer nursing school on the deans list because my body and mind are no longer malnourished. My husband and i are able to start a family now that i no longer suffer from amenorrhea. i am here to tell you that it does get better and you are not alone.

#ed #eating disorder #recovery #hope

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hearthandhomemagick · 3 years

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Cottage Witch Journal Entry

I have a longing for Tennessee.

I have a pure, unadulterated and wild attraction to the Tennessee Mountains. This is a dream I’ve had, and a yearning I’ve felt, for years. A need to be hidden deep in the mountains in a tiny cottage/cabin of sorts. I’m sure this is an affinity very popular in mainstream culture today, and all I can think of when I hear people say they want a cottage or cabin in the mountains is, “How the Hell does everyone expect to FIT on these mountains?!” But, this is my Shadow Self, the over realistic and overthinking side of myself. And I easily get discouraged from my own wants thinking of others wants.

This is a side of me to notice in myself. I need to be able to move past thoughts of, “If everyone wants it, I’ll never have it.” and move forward with thoughts of, “This is something I want for myself, and I deserve to work hard for it.” And that’s a goal I have with myself.

You see, this post isn’t just about my want to be in Tennessee in the woods, it’s much deeper than that I feel. It’s about improvement and wanting to grow.

I bring up Tennessee because that is not a goal I can easily obtain within a couple of weeks or even a month. But, it is something I want to build up to obtaining. Something I want to do right so that everything is exactly as it needs to be. And I can’t fully accomplish this until I accomplish other goals that take precedent first. For Example, my physical health.

As a witch, I truly believe in loving every part of yourself, the good and the bad. The exciting and the terrifying. The understood and the neglected. Part of this acceptance process is learning what is and is not acceptable for my body. Now, I have struggled with my weight and how I see myself since I was a child. I remember a little boy seeing my tummy in a bathing suit in 1st grade and him telling me I was fat and that his dad said fat girls were ugly. Comments like this, stares and whispers were constant when in regards to my weight. It felt like an overwhelming amount of attention was directed at the way I looked, even if no one was looking at me I felt as though everyone was thinking about it. Over the years, this mental state took a tole on a lot more than I expected, even affecting me today with my Significant Other. The consistent attention to my own weight pulled me into depression, our of depression, into anxiety and out of anxiety. What I mean is I had an up and down relationship with my tummy.

I felt abandoned most days. I would get this idea that I was too much and not enough all at once. A gentle and cooing tone from my toxic thoughts led to a lot of issues and concerns for me and my health. Some days, I would read something that made me feel as though I was a Queen. A bad bitch lurking in this cruel world and taking it by the throat to stare it in the eyes and say, “I love my body fat.”

The sad part is your heart, mind and body know when you are lying to it. I didn’t love my body. Not in those confident moments and not in those depressed moments. I was locked away in a cage in my mind that gave me two illusions to choose from, while hiding my third option under the rug. I neglected my feelings because I didn’t want to experience them. I neglected my health because I didn’t want to deal with it. And I neglected my body because I hated it.

Reality here is that this is the only fucking body I have. Do you understand that? Let me repeat this so maybe you can understand how harsh of a reality this was to me.

I am on this Earth for goodness knows how long. 50 years, 20 years, 72 days. I don’t know, and no one does. I was literally forced into owning this body, whether I like it or not, it is mine. I can move houses, I can get a new car, I can get a new job. I cannot get a new body.

I heard this in High School and started what I called my weight loss journey. I lost maybe 20 pounds while attending a workout-boot camp of sorts and trying to maintain a healthy diet. That sentence resonated so much with me that I repeated it every day to myself. My motivation was on point. Then, I stopped going. There are multiple reasons why I stopped, but none of them are rightful excuses.

I just stopped.

Now, during those days I had lost weight, I was starting to gain confidence in myself and was attempting to genuinely look out for my health. I had more energy and felt amazing! But like I said, I had stopped for terrible reasons.

Fast-forward to college and you will find a very anxiety filled, sleep deprived and mentally exhausted Carly. Some nights I wouldn’t sleep but for 4-5 hours. Other nights I didn’t sleep at all. I believe my stay up streak was 3, going on 4 nights. All due to homework. My coping technique has always been eating food, too. So when you have a sleep deprived student settled next to a 24/7 pizza joint with half baked cookies, you gain 30-40 pounds.

At 245 Pounds, I was at my heaviest. This weight gain came on as my roommates were saying I was fat, stupid and were making me question myself frequently. Self hate festers among others who don’t value your worth, remember that. So, through those years of college I weighed an uncomfortable amount of weight that made my body start shutting down physically.

Mental Health had a lot to do with my physical health, here as well. When I was in a really bad place, I would stop moving completely and just sit still. If I had a terrible feeling, I’d cook something to make myself feel better or would just grab a processed, quick snack. It was a pattern of mine. I’d get just enough motivation to do one or two things, and then I’d stop all together and feel as though that was enough for a few weeks.

Eventually, when I was done with college, I started back on that rollercoaster of healthy and unhealthy. I’d lose 5 pounds, then gain 7 pounds right back. I started detail critiquing myself and stressing myself out. My weight never could get under control, and I couldn’t break the 200 mark to save my life. I would see pictures and videos of myself and feel as though I had eaten an entire buffet. Not too long after getting with my S/O and starting my job as a Sexual Violence Outreach Advocate, I got sick.

It started as a birthday dinner at a Korean Barbecue in 2019. I was with my two best friends at the time and having a blast. We all ate the same food, but when I woke up the following morning I was throwing up everything in my tummy.

The throwing up went on for 4 days before I was taken to the hospital, only for them to release me saying it was virus. My personal doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong and it eventually became an everyday thing. I would wake up between 3-6 in the morning, go to the bathroom and be sick for hours before pulling myself together to make it to work.

Weeks turned into months, and months turned into a year.

I lost 50 pounds from this thing that no doctor could seem to figure out. I got x-rays and everything, but nothing and no one could tell me exactly what was going on with me. I couldn’t eat anything friend, only raw fruits and veggies, or broth. I only drank water and ginger based drinks, and could not for the life of me stop what was going on with my body. Many doctors tried to pass it as a virus, stomach ulcers, GURD, or even Heart Burn (?). None of them were right.

After a long time, my mom finally confessed that every woman in our family has Endometriosis. If you don’t know what this is, it is the build up of scar tissue on the outside of your uterus. This leads to nausea, ovarian cysts (which they found on me in x-rays) and sub or infertility. No doctor can diagnose it, either, unless you have a surgery to see if there is scarring. So for many, suffering on your own is easier than seeing a doctor.

I discussed this with my doctor, and it was as if a light flashed in her brain. This is a disease she cannot say I have, but can say it sounds very much like that. It is hereditary and once you have it, you have it for good.

After this information entered my line of though, I decided the stress from my job was too much for too little pay, and chose to leave. Leading up to my leaving the job, I was sick almost every second of every day. The moment I left, I felt better.

I still feel pain in my ovary area, but because I don’t have the money to see a doctor, and can control my pains with eating habits and physical influence, I choose to work through it alone.

I said ALL THAT BACKGROUND BULLSHIT JUST TO SAY THIS!!!!!

This is the part that marks my new journey. It is the Journey to Strength and Well Being. The Journey to Feeling Good. The Journey the Choosing my happiness over anything else. And the Journey to choosing the health of my body over my insecurities.

I wrote this because a couple of days ago I had a very graphic and vivid dream about my boyfriend falling in love with the woman I wanted to be. In other words, I seen him with a woman who literally presented all of my insecurities to me. Small, lithe and dainty, gentle and calming, and everything I wasn’t. She was beautiful. And he seen this, and did things for her that he never did for me. I woke up almost in tears, because my emotions were raw, but I had no idea that my insecurities were still very deeply rooted.

I pondered over the last few days of this dream. What it could mean, what I should do, how I should feel and I have finally come to a conclusion.

This dream is a depiction of my fears. My brain was saying, “You need to address this shit right now.” and did it in the most face slap kind of way I could think.

I still, even after learning to love myself genuinely, have image issues that need to be nurtured and tended to before I can move forward in my life.

So, I’m making 1-3 goals every month that are attainable and reachable. This will be a brick road to my obtaining that cottage/cabin in the Tennessee Mountains.

This months Goals start today!

GOAL 1 - Learn to do a split, find a healthy yoga sequence, be able to do 15 pushups, & 30 Squats by the end of December.

GOAL 2 - Make a conscious effort to what you eat/making a new dish once a week to try.

GOAL 3 - Save $100.

This is a process, and I am only human. I don’t want to fall back into the habits of toxic mentality. I don’t want to neglect myself or how I feel and I don’t want to lose myself in to the world in the process of searching for freedom from myself.

I expect myself to exude self control, self love, and empowerment. I expect to expect better from and for myself, and I expect to accomplish my goals.

I manifest it here, I can do a split. I have a healthy maintainable yoga sequence that I have committed to growing expanding and changing. I can do 15 push ups and 30 squats. I have 100 dollars saved up already and make concious decisions that better my health rather than hurt it. This is part of my lifstyle now!

And it is for the better!

Thank you to anyone who read this through. These entries are more for my benefit and thought process, but appreciate anyone who recognizes it or even relates and wants to talk about it. It’s personal to me and means a lot. I intend on being on here more often to update my challenges and express how I use my witchcraft in the process of this Journey.

I love you all! Stay safe, warm and full to the brim! Later Witches! xx

#yule #witch #witchcraft #thinspo #healthy #yoga #workout #food #meal #habit #mentalhealth #comfort #hygge #cute #fun #craft #magic #magick #happy #storyline #witchjournal #journal #writing #creative

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mando-vibes · 4 years

Text

Losing My Mind

Series: To Him, with Love (Part 1)

(Part 2) (Part 3)

Pairing: Javier Peña x female reader

Summary: After Pablo Escobar is gone Javier finally returns home.

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Angst, slow burn, there will be smut

A/N: I’ve had this idea for awhile and I am not sure how many parts there will be but if it is enjoyed by you readers I will keep updating. Lemme know what you think as I proceed :)! I ALSO TAKE REQUEST FOR JAVI AND MANDO SO FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT WHATEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES!

I will be back again No this is not the end I've fallen hard this time but I not giving in I want the world to know that I won't let you forget The tears that you shed I'll make it impossible to let go

(Y/N) was not sure why she had accepted the wedding invitation. The couple newly weds barely ever talked to her after moving across the Lone Star State but here she was standing in the crowded chapel feeling very uncomfortable. If there was a word (Y/N) could call her state it would be foreign. The rows of friends and family were all chattering in a happy tone but yet not one talked to her and of course she knew why.

She was given many looks, sometimes even winks from singles that were looking for some fun, not having the understanding of what she was known for to this family. But she was not interested, in fact she was not having any enjoyment that a typical person would have at events like these. (Y/N) was beyond terrified. The man she kept compulsively searching for had yet to be found and in reality she didn’t want to actually find him. The butterflies in her stomach fluttered towards her chest just thinking about him discovering her first.

This was a huge mistake. (Y/N) had yet to even greet the bride or groom. She felt incredibly rude but running into him was far more drastic in her mind. (Y/N) needed to forget the ordeal and just leave. Then she would be out of his reach because she knew those dark captivating eyes and that deep voice would make her heart ache and yearn for him once again like it hadn’t been 10 years since she last talked to him.

Just as the paranoid woman stood up to escape the scene, the ceremony was just under way. The whole time she was overthinking, (Y/N) had not noticed that everyone had gotten in their places. The church’s glossed wooden pews filled to the brim with hushed people. The priest was situated in the front along with the timid groom. She eyed the group of individuals closer, scanning the groomsmen, it was hard to see specific faces that she could recognize considering she sat in the very back to not be detected.

But the best man stuck out like a sore thumb to her. It was him. It was the one and only Javier Peña. (Y/N) almost fell back down in her seat at the sight of him but managed to catch herself before she could fall apart at the memories flooding back in. The groom nudged him, motioning towards where the fearful girl stood among all of his family. Javier was looking straight at her just like the night they met 12 long years ago. His stare knocked the wind out of her, paralyzing her body within the moment.

He had aged like fine wine. The wrinkles that laid on his forehead were more prominent and he now sported a thick mustache. Javier had also appeared to have gained weight from his heavy intake of alcohol and fast food from late nights out on the job but it did not change how attractive he had always been. No, to her he was just as beautiful as the first time she had laid eyes upon him those many years ago.

Before she can snap out of the trance the man had put on her, the crowd began noticing. They began bickering and giving the girl dirty looks. Before she could cause more of a scene, (Y/N) gathers the courage to scoot her way out of the row she was just sitting in and whispers a faint ‘sorry’ as if anyone could actually hear it. (Y/N) keeps her head down, embarrassed at her selfishness and speed for the exit.

When she is finally free from everyone, (Y/N) finally takes a deep breath and starts her car. She quickly backs out of the lot and speeds down the empty road as if he would be actually chasing her. The shocked girl tries her best not to look in the rear-view mirror to search for a man who would not be there.

It was that time again to forget him. She had to build her brick wall around the memories that always came back to haunt her or else she would lose her mind trying to find a way to cope with the impossible man who was Javier Peña. And what better way was it then to visit the first place they met?

Tags: @takemepedropascal

#javier pena #javier x reader #javier pena x reader #javier peña #narcos #narcos x reader #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x reader #javier peña x reader

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ofstormythoughts · 4 years

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What Happens at the Toy Box Part 1 with @OneCheekyGal

Raine

••I wasn't quite sure what to make of my non-grand-opening Grand Opening, but Birdie's had done surprisingly well in the first few months, even considering the challenges that came with 2020. I had sorely lacked in marketing myself but it seemed I had garnered enough local fanfare by word of mouth, I’d even sold out of some of what I had on offer. I felt greedy in my happiness despite all the effort it took to realize this dream that spanned more than my own lifetime. The only way in which I had announced my arrival into the scene was via introduction to the surrounding business owners and shop managers. There was a sole location that had evaded me. The Toy Box had managed to both pique my interest and stoke a sadness when I tried to stop by. Clearly it was not a store for children as the name would imply by a glance from afar. Thankfully it was in my nature to cast a deeper line into the sea of curiosities. I wondered the story behind its extended closure and during some lulls in my own foot traffic, I was prone to imagining its caretaker had been swept up into a torrid love affair and was sailing around the world with an incomparable lover. The wind held the secrets of The Toy Box at bay, sadly, so I was left to my own musings. It had become a habit to glance across the way before I opened and I held a silent yearning to see the sign switched from “Closed” to whatever elusive welcome alerted the passer by the store was open for business.

This was why when I stepped out to tend the garden and saw the door open that hadn't been since my arrival, excitement quickened my pulse. It was silly, really, but I wouldn't feel my induction into the local scene had been completed until I met this last neighborhood retailer.

My next appointment wasn’t scheduled for an afternoon and I could use a technology break. Setting up the online store was not on my list of favorite things to do. Locking up Birdie's temporarily, I sprung into action, lest I miss my chance and face that closed sign. I nearly skipped across the street before happily crossing the threshold that had been to date a gatekeeper to my curiosity. A bright but genuine smile curved my lips as I approached the petite and pretty girl behind the register, sure to keep a proper distance since I wasn’t wearing a mask. Maybe it had been my daydreaming of her whereabouts, but on sight of her alone, I found my interest in her story piqued even more than all the wares for sale. I tried to keep my gaze from wandering and my eyes from widening at all the things, some which I wasn’t completely naive to, others that had me clueless about their potential use.••

Camille:

*The decision to temporarily close my shop so I could take a vacation had given me heaps of anxiety and a weight of worry on my shoulders that felt heavier than the Costco sized bag of cat food I liked to buy for Betty. I had considered hiring someone temporarily while I was away, but the efforts of training them for such a short period of time seemed like more of a hassle than losing the week’s worth of sales.

What had started out as being closed for a short holiday had unexpectedly turned into something much longer. I had been out of the country enjoying the sand and sun when the travel restrictions and the COVID pandemic had been declared, and upon my return home, a mandatory quarantine had been instituted which meant the shop doors would unfortunately be staying closed.

Fortunately, my online shop was already well established and after an emailed Newsletter to my customer list indicating orders could still be placed during the brick and mortar closure, the lull that my vacation created gradually picked back up. My rainy day savings had helped during the months where in store purchases were entirely obsolete. In my time away and then the subsequent closure, the small cluster of businesses in the area surrounding mine seemed to stay fairly stagnant, with the exception of a new shop that I had completely missed opening, I could only assume it happened while I was away. I hadn't planned to make the time to introduce myself. New businesses tended to avoid mine. God forbid someone admitted to knowing the owner of a sex shop...not that it phased me anyways. The day I had been phased to re-open the shop, I used a wedge of wood to prop the door open to help get rid of the stale air while I dusted for the first few hours. I didn't expect a rush of customers even though I had made a re-opening announcement on the shop’s website with the new hours, and had sent out a discount code to my email list in the hopes of drumming up some more sales and maybe even some foot traffic. It felt good to get back to my old routine of keeping busy and taking pride in what I had built up over the years. It was while I was in the middle of organizing a new countertop display of novelty single condoms that someone walked through the open door. My smile, the one that was reserved just for customers came back to my lips easily, just like old times and as I angled the stand next to the cash register just so, I greeted the lovely looking redhead and tried to guess in my mind what she might be here for...a game I sometimes liked to play with myself just for fun.* Hello, how can I help you today?

Raine

•• I was immediately disarmed by the friendly body language of the girl that I was meeting at long last. My eyes betrayed me by stealing glances at the various displays which were successful in drawing the attention of a complete sexual novice, hoping the color of my cheeks was not as evident as the warmth I felt there. I could only imagine that someone with more experience would be quick to spend their savings based on the appealing presentations alone. I felt oddly at ease and out of place all at once, perhaps the impressive and colorful water wall behind the shop’s mistress was at work. I couldn’t help but appreciate that her store had its own water feature befitting its personality just like my own at Birdie’s.•• First, apologies for my barging in without paying mind to whether or not you were actually open. I saw from across the street that you were no longer shuttered and I was too excited for any patience. I’m Raine and I just opened up across the way. •• As I smiled, I caught a glance of a beautiful and fluffy white cat circling her legs, wrapping its tail around her, perhaps to state “She is mine.”•• I have been eagerly awaiting your return, there was a void because you’ve been nowhere to be found. Maybe the universe wanted me to save the best for last.

Camille

*The way the girl looked around with wide eyed curiosity as she approached had me titling my head and feeling momentarily stunted when it came to a guess of what she might possibly wish to purchase. She had the look of uncertainty until she spoke and then surprise took hold of my features before I could school them back into place.* Oh! You don't have to apologize. *As I peered through the window in the direction of where she indicated, I mumbled to myself how I hoped the welcoming committee had been nicer to her than they had been to me before I turned back to her and extended my hand to shake hers out of habit before I could stop myself, I laughed awkwardly and pulled my hand away, remembering to keep my distance.* It's very nice to meet you, Raine. I'm Camille and this here is Betty. *I bent down to pick up my cat and lifted her up into proper view.* Usually she hides away in the back but since today is the first day back after closing, she hasn't left my side. *As Betty nuzzled against me, I smiled for the comfort she brought then sat her back down and made my way around to the other side of the counter.* It's very sweet of you to want to introduce yourself...so did you open pretty recently, then? I was closed briefly for a holiday before the pandemic started and had to stay closed.

Raine

•• Nodding in immediate reaction as not to interrupt Camille before she was done speaking.••

Yes, three months ago, but we must have just missed each other for your sabbatical because I have been here for about five renovating. If you need any help settling back in, I’d be happy to volunteer. I haven’t made too many acquaintances and I am just getting my bearings, really so there are no social distractions to be had.•• I hoped I hadn’t been too forward. I had never much been desperate for human contact, but there was a smidge of isolation seeping in on the year anniversary of losing my Birdie. I tried to concentrate on the sweet of the bittersweet at my opening, but of course had been confronted with pangs of my loss. Daring another peek around, smiling as another blush warmed my cheeks. •• Not that I think you and Betty don’t have it handled. Do you mind if I take a look around? •• I was a mermaid out of water but that didn’t mean my curiosity was not at a healthy level. The range of items in my immediate view offered plenty of options for my perusal without my naivety making me completely foolish in front of my new kitty-corner shop neighbor.••

Camille:

*I couldn't help the smile that took hold of my lips when Raine offered to help me settle back in...and it clicked in my mind that I should have been the one to make that offer given how long the shop had been opened. I was starting to feel like I didn't deserve her kindness for how oblivious I had been to the renovations across the way. Thankfully her question brought me out of my mind and the pondering of what else I might have missed while my toes and head were in the sand.* Please, take your time and browse as much as you’d like. *Not wanting to make her feel like I was hovering or being one of those nosy shop owners, I moved back around to the other side of the counter to continue with the display I had been working on, speaking loud enough for her to hear without being intrusive.* I don't have much to do in the way of settling back into things, but I’d love to take a look around your place when you're not too busy. *As I waited for Raine to reply, the sound of a vehicle pulling up outside the shop demanded my attention, and an old familiar feeling of what it was like to be busy returned along with a pang of guilt for being away so long. That feeling slowly faded and was quickly replaced with interest as I watched the gentleman exit his truck and begin to walk across the parking lot, headed straight for the shop Raine had pointed out as hers. Turning back to see if she noticed, I called out to warn her.* Hey, um...Raine...I think you might have a customer…

Raine:

••My reaction of a sigh to the call to duty was uncharacteristic, but spoke to the fact I instinctually would like to get to know Camille and the setting of her shop was too perfect to urge me out of my hermit comfort zone. With the slightest reluctance I turned towards the door. I also knew whoever it was hadn’t made an appointment. While I was still allowing walk-ins, I had to limit the number of people in Birdie’s to three.••

You’re welcome to come across the way with me, if you’d like? I am not done exploring your shop, so either way, I will be back.

••With a little more quickening in my steps, I exited, hoping Camille might follow. I passed the man as casually as possible, but was greeted with thoughts that made my nose crinkle, as it was plain he was looking at my ass with graphic intentions of what he’d like to do to it. I flushed again, this time in embarrassment and anger, and not at all out of flattery. My eyes pinched closed just before I unlocked my door, the sanctuary and water feature running through the floor calmed my wild emotions and allowed me to form a smile that though unauthentic, would fool the man when he caught sight. He didn’t hesitate to return the smile, though his was dripping with sleaze. “Just back from lunch? Maybe next time I’ll get here earlier so you won’t have to eat alone.” I gagged at the back of my throat and wished to shove politeness aside, but with a little more cleverness than the man deserved.•• Too bad my lunch table is reserved for one and booked months in advance.

••I focused on the blessed sound of the water while he honed in on my chest with beady eyes, I turned out of view when he pestered me with more intrusive questions. “Boyfriend? Husband?” His pause was not long enough before he added, “Girlfriend? I’m more than willing to share.” I ignored his utterly insulting insinuations, refusing to satisfy any of his base curiosity, instead I fetched a bottle of Camphor essential oil, known to be used by monks to suppress sexual urges, smiling as I took his hand, dotting the top between middle and ring fingers with the oil.•• This is on special today. ••winking, though I felt like I must immediately return home to scrub myself clean for providing him any kind of returns to his advances•• Just for you.

••I made a show of using my own, house made blend of hand sanitizer as his smile somehow got creepier. It seemed like at least an hour had passed since I left the Toy Box, though I knew for certain it has been a short few minutes. “Oh, I didn’t come here to make a purchase. I’ve been watching you come and go and… decided today was the day I’d let my fiery little redhead crush in on the secret.” My eyes flared wide and the creepy crawlies multiplied from head to toe. Stupefied and appalled, I shook my head vehemently.•• I suggest you leave, go home and clean those binoculars you’ve been using, that way the next time you look you’ll see I’m not interested.

••”I wasn’t using binoculars --” Pointing out the door, my lips in a set in a stern line, frustrated with myself for entertaining any of this stupidity.••

Camille:

*I nodded at Raine when she excused herself with haste for her customer. I understood completely. New businesses were hard to turn a profit the first handful of years and each sale was important toward ensuring one’s livelihood. Not wanting to encroach on her sale, I took my time gathering my keys to lock the door but before I could, Betty snuck her fluffy white self out, circling my feet and curling her tail around my leg. With a smile, I scooped her into my arms and locked up my own shop, not at all concerned about missing out on a customer. There hadn't been any all day while I had been cleaning anyways.

As I approached Raine’s store front, I could see her speaking with the man then pointing toward the door with a look on her face that was unmistakable. It was an expression I had used more than a few times, I had perfected it, really. Generally it was used on under-agers, and despite my petite size, worked very well. I was no pushover. But this guy was old enough to know better and to know he wasn’t welcomed.* Oh man, Betty. I wonder if our new friend needs some reinforcements. *Squaring my shoulders, I pushed the door open and painted on my brightest smile.* Hey, Raine. *I took my time looking around while holding Betty, her purrs from being in my arms and having her head scratched slowly began to fade with each step I took closer to the man who still couldn’t take the hint.*

I just adore the water feature you have here, it’s so lovely. *Satisfied with being close enough to my new friend, I picked up a jar on a nearby table, pretending to look at the label as he spoke again. My nose scrunched at his blatant disrespect and I waited to hear how she would handle herself. Betty, ever the excellent judge in character, hissed in warning from my arms, and I caught Raine’s gaze briefly, winking as I quietly let my guard cat jump down from my hold. It seemed she had very quickly taken offence on Raine’s behalf and moved to circle around her legs as she always did with me. From my spot out of the guy’s view, I mouthed at Raine to pick Betty up, if he got any closer, I knew the claws would come out.*

Raine

••I knew we’d only just met, but Camille and Betty were both quickly becoming essential to my survival. Their audience reinforced my backbone, especially when I witnessed Betty hissing. Animals were the best judge of character and I caught Camille’s wink and easily read her lips.•• I’m afraid you will have to go now. I have a private consultation. ••I wasn’t prone to lie, but I also wasn’t an idiot. I needed to ensure this man got the message the first time lest he think there was any question in my denial. The encounter was new to me, I hadn’t ever really been in this position, but I was in a new locale and I was certain it wouldn’t be the last time.•• I’m so sorry, Camille, he was just leaving…

•• “Before I go, can I set up a private… consultation?” My stomach absolutely turned over, most especially for the way he rolled over the words private and consultation.•• Consultations are for customers intending to make a minimum purchase of five hundred dollars. You can call to set it up when you decide you are interested in my inventory. Now please leave.

••I watched as Betty sauntered closer to me, stopping right by my feet. I was flattered by my newfound feline friend’s quick warming up to me. When she nudged my calf with her nose, I dipped down, gingerly picking her up and surprised when I was greeted with a purr of her approval before she turned her head to the man and let loose a low growl. I watched as the sleaze put his hands up in relent and started backing towards the door. “I’ll see you soon, beautiful.” Disgusted, once he left I let out a sigh of exasperation.•• Please tell me they aren’t all like that here? And thank you, complete lifesaver. You too, Betty.

Camille

*As I waited for the jerk to get the hint Raine was trying to send his way, I found myself biting my tongue. She was being too kind, in my opinion. And if this guy was in my shop acting like this, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him off and kick him out. Then again, I could recall when my shop was new, years ago and I had to have a few similar experiences in order to find my grit. Raine would find hers, too, I was certain of it.

Setting the jar I had picked up back down, I slowly made my way closer to Raine, just in case dickwad decided to do something dickwad-ish. Fortunately, Betty had done exactly what I had hoped, and helped reinforce Raine’s request that he leave. As he moved past me on his way to the door, I smirked when he made eye contact, which probably wasn’t the greatest idea as we were left with his promise to return.

Ew. Gross.

I really hoped not. Moving toward the door, I smiled over my shoulder at Raine as I twisted the deadbolt...just in case and watched as he climbed into an older truck and slowly left the parking lot. I’d make sure to keep an eye out for him over the next week or so. Something about him felt...off.

Raine’s voice brought me back from my thoughts and I laughed lightly at her question, giving a small shake of my head.* Not all of them. Usually I get the creeps at my store given what I sell... and even then, it’s not very often. *Moving closer to Raine, I reached out to scratch behind Betty’s ears* A casual mention of knowing how to use a whip is enough to get them to leave pretty quick. Want me to show you how in case he returns? *My offer was mostly a joke...mostly.*

Raine

••I laughed at the offer while simultaneously blushing. I liked Camille, a lot, but to say I wasn’t intimidated by all her wares would be complete fabrication. Still, my world was fairly lonely and my desire to branch out and make friends well outweighed any embarrassment over my naivety. For truth, Camille was the first person I’d felt comfortable with and conversation was coming too easy. It had always been Birdie and me and I’d never had true friends, only passing acquaintances. I couldn’t live a cloistered life anymore, and though it made me nervous to open up, I had already made the first steps with Camille, I could only hope she wasn’t just being polite.•• Do you offer beginner courses or something that comes before beginner?

••Laughing again, I sat Betty down on the counter top and turned to reach for a bottle of a special elixir that I didn’t typically share with someone I’d just met, it was more reserved for requests of a special nature. I couldn’t help but recall that I’d blushed, too, when Birdie had first brought up the idea of concocting this particular blend of extracts, mostly for the reason behind it. She had gently encouraged me, in a way only she could get away with, to come out of the nunnery and embrace my sexuality. She’d imparted her blunt wisdom, insisting I didn’t need a partner to learn what I liked myself. I probably didn’t quite crack the mold of my prudishness in a way she had hoped I would, but I dared to believe that my entry into a sex shop and making an acquaintance of its proprietor would have both made her laugh and proud.

I snapped out of my happy reverie back to the present before turning to face Camille with the bottle in hand.•• Since you so kindly served as my protector and have additionally offered me whip training, perhaps you will indulge me in sharing something of mine with you?

Camille:

Pre-beginner course? Hmm. Let me think...maybe a paddle or a soft flogger to start with before we get you yielding a whip then. *My laughter joined hers and it left me feeling good despite the lingering creepiness that she wasn’t afraid or too intimidated to joke around with me. Sure I had a handful of friends, but it had been a long while since I could claim anyone as a close friend or a best friend for that matter. And after the encounter with the disgusting guy, I felt a bond of sorts with her, and had already decided she was someone I wanted to be around. Her humour, while it skirted the edges of an obvious innocence gave me the impression she already appreciated my brand of unapologetic crass. It wouldn’t take long before I would help break her free of that shell, and I was confident it would be without much effort, too.

When she put Betty down on the counter, I reached out to run my hand over her arching back, scratching through her white fur all the way down along her tail, letting it twist around my fingers the way I always did as I watched Raine grab a small bottle. My head tilted in curiosity at what the contents might be. A smile grew easily at her offer and I nodded without hesitation, not caring in the least what it was.*

You know you don’t have to pay me back for doing what any friend would do. That guy was gross on so many levels! *laughing with a shudder, I shook my head continuing on so she didn’t think I was being rude.* But that doesn’t mean I’m going to say no. What is it?

Raine

••Laughing openly at the softened suggestions, I continued to be at ease in Camille’s company. It had been too long since I’d laughed in such an organic way, the feeling rising with a genuine rush. Even if I had no use for anything at all in her shop, I was interested in what more I could discover from her expertise. Though I was verging on a comfort level that had me wanting to leave the mask down, I pulled it up out of respect for her and in order to share a more intimate distance. Leaning across the counter, circling my fingers around her wrists and turning her palms upward, I smiled behind the silk of my mask.•• This is called… Awakening. Think of it as a bridge from my world to yours. ••My brow lifted to communicate the intrigue I hoped was translating. I twisted the top of the bottle off, the scent of lavender and ylang ylang blooming in the air. Retrieving a dropper from my sanitized tray and filling it with the oil. I dabbed each of Camille’s wrists and then circled my thumbs over each drop, gently massaging it into her skin before another application to my own fingers. Leaning slightly closer, I brought my fingertips up and behind her ears to dab just behind them before the last application to either of her temples. There were other pressure points for full effect but asking even her permission to do that would not be appropriate and would involve removing clothing.••

The effect will be subtle but this blend should allow you to clear out stale energies while refreshing you and opening you up to new and arousing potential. ••I could feel my cheeks warm again as I struggled to find the words to basically say what it was without blurting that it was basically like opening up a dam for energy that could block a libido. I wasn’t being presumptuous about her circumstance, my intention was to have fun.•• It will leave you attracting complimentary energies to your own. ••Betty meowed and butted her head against Camille’s arm, drawing another laugh.•• Looks as though Betty approves, unless I am reading her wrong. ••Lowers my voice though we are alone in the store.•• You can use it in other erogenous zones… the dimples on your back, the sternum, the inner part of your knee…

Camille:

*I found myself slightly surprised when Raine pulled her mask back on and leaned closer. Seemed I was getting an up close and personal demonstration of whatever this “Awakening” stuff was. My grin grew as she spoke and began to massage the small drops of oil into my skin. It smelled lovely and light, which was nice.

As soon as she moved her hands to my ears I couldn’t help the soft laugh which was immediately followed up with an apology and explanation of being ticklish there. My laugher was short lived however because the gentle circling of her fingers at my temples earned her a sigh for how nice it felt. I was so focused on the beginning of what felt like a slight warming tingle on my skin that I nearly missed when she explained what the oil was meant to do.

Now. I wasn’t normally someone who lived any kind of holistic lifestyle but damn if Raine didn’t have me rethinking that with the way she spoke and the way the oil felt as she applied it to my skin. I wanted it to do exactly what she said it would. I needed a complete and thorough cleansing of all stale energies. The whole world needed it really, but I didn’t think she had that many bottles of her oil.*

Complementary energies? Hmm.

*I was considering just how that could ever be possible given the whole social distance pandemic thing, but Raine’s laughter at Betty’s usual demand for affections drew me from my thoughts and I laughed with her as I gave my cat a scratch beneath her chin and returned my full attention back to Raine. Her lowered voice despite the fact that we were the only people in her shop had it dawning on me. Suddenly the warm tingling sensations on my skin and her mention of erogenous zones had me laughing. Loudly.*

Oh, Raine. You are quite the surprise. I just clued into what you’re trying to say this stuff is. *laughing some more and giving my head a shake, I lift my wrist to my nose to give the oil a proper smell.* You just put arousal oil on me. How forward for you. *winking with a teasing grin so she knows I’m not bothered at all, I point at the bottle* I hope it works with the whole complementary energies. And if not, I do enjoy the way it feels.

Raine

••I beam for the compliment of being a surprise, while I twist the dropper into the bottle, sliding it Camille's way•• I insist you indulge in the rest of the bottle. Maybe not all at once. ••laughs again, finding the atmosphere having lightened considerably from just earlier.••

Dare I suggest you try it somewhere I didn't? ••bats my lashes in acknowledgement of my less than innocent rhetorical••

If you're open to it, I think you may find it delivers on its promise with time and in its own way. Match.com it is not. ••a laugh bubbles up for how silly I feel talking this way and about things I've never conversed about.••

I only ask your honest feedback. ••biting my lip behind my mask before I pull it back down for a reprieve•• And maybe we could get together socially some time? I would be grateful for your company in the expanse of my wide open calendar.

Camille:

*Giving Raine a bright smile, I take the bottle and laugh with an understanding nod.* I promise not to dump the whole thing on my nipples in one go. *My snort is loud as I laugh again, entirely unable to keep a straight face at the idea.*

I also promise to give you any and all honest feedback and I would be happy to be your guinea pig for anything else in the future. Unless it’s meant to dry me up like a prune in which case, no thank you! *While still holding the bottle in one hand, I reach for Betty, holding her in my arms as I consider Raine’s question to hang out.* I can do you one better than just getting together some time. Which, let's be honest here...people only say that to be polite and never actually plan to follow through. So, there’s a food truck that usually parks about a half block away, it’s amazing! Let me buy you lunch for this?

*Giving the bottle a little wiggle, I let Betty down next to my feet and nodded firmly, not leaving her an opportunity to decline.* There are even a few scattered tables we can eat at. I will just take Betty back to my shop, lock up, and meet you out in the parking lot in a few. And then you can tell me all about the other kinds of concoctions you have made.

*Moving to the door, I twisted open the deadbolt I had locked earlier and opened it for Betty to walk through first.* See you in a few! *Giving a quick wave as I let the door close behind me, I grinned when I saw Raine nodding back at me, not that I had given her any choice to object.* Look at us making a new friend, Betty. And on the first day back at the shop.

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chouetteffraie · 5 years

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dazatsu + 7 for the kiss prompts? (i can never get enough dazatsu)

7. “I’ve Missed You” kiss

you and me both, dear nonnie. You and me both.

Thank you for the request! Sorry it always takes so long sdfjdlk I am a disaster thank u for putting up with me

Kiss prompts closed!

edit: warning this got angsty i’m sorry asjdfdjkl

TRIGGER WARNINGS: character death, suicide (mentioned but barely described), heavy angst

Silence swallowed him whole as he sat in the empty dormitory, taking in his surroundings. They looked grayer than they had the day before, a pattern he noticed was becoming a trend. Dust particles hovered in the small streaks of sunlight, untouched food on the table with a few small gnats hovering around it.

Dazai sat on a wooden chair, photos in his trembling hand of a smile he yearned to see again. For once, small drops didn’t splatter onto the image he held, though the heaving in his chest easily gave away how he was feeling. His heart was still heavy, a weight so dense he was surprised it hadn’t dropped through the floor. The loneliness clawed at him, eager to rip the rest of him to shreds as it did his heart, claiming every part of him until there was nothing left. Perhaps it had succeeded, Dazai thought, considering the husk he felt he was. After easing his breaths, he gently set the photos in the box they came from and put the lid on tightly. He wanted the remnants of his dear Atsushi to stay pristine once he wasn’t around to look after them.

Part of him begged him not to do this, that Atsushi wouldn’t want him to end his life for his sake. But Dazai was a selfish man, and the only thing he wanted was to see Atsushi again. Living in a world where he could no longer hold the boy, run his fingers through his hair, and see his smile was a chore, one Dazai was not equipped to complete.

Dazai slowly rose, stepping on the chair with resolve. This was it. He’d either see Atsushi again, or simply cease existing on a plane without him. Either option was a release from the grief of losing a lover, and the guilt of being too late to save him.

Dazai slowly raised his hand to his face, pressing his lips against the cool metal on his ring finger. He had promised to live with Atsushi, to remain by his side. But now that Atsushi had broken his part of the promise, to never leave him, Dazai wasn’t bound to this world any longer.

“I’ve missed you, Atsushi,” Dazai murmured, lips brushing against the ring. “I hope to see you and Oda again soon.”

( Bonus fluff because I couldn’t bear to end it like that )

The world around him was bright- so bright, Dazai couldn’t make out any details of his surroundings. There was a faint hum, one that almost sound like a sweet chorus to drive off the insanity quiet would bring. His thoughts were fuzzy, yet his body felt weightless. Where was he?

Curious, Dazai started walking forward, hoping he’d be able to find something and help get his bearings in this strange new area. His mind was blank, no questions or theories of his whereabouts bouncing around his skull. He felt blissfully numb, and when a faint figure started to stick out amongst the white fog surrounding him, he felt no apprehension nor excitement.

The figure didn’t hear him until he cleared his throat, hoping to get its attention and ask for directions. When the figure turned around, though, he was hit with a sudden burst of purple and yellow, a sunset he had longed to see.

“O-Osamu? You’re why I was summoned here?” Atsushi asked, incredulous. The two stared at each other before Atsushi’s eyes filled with tears, slowly flooding until they streamed down his cheeks. “But that means…you were supposed to…”

Suddenly, Dazai felt shame rip through his gut and he lowered his gaze from Atsushi’s, reaching to rub the back of his neck. That was the only confirmation Atsushi needed before his tears fell faster, and a few sobs echoed in the empty space around them.

“Osamu, no,” Atsushi whimpered, reaching to cover his face. “You had so much longer…you shouldn’t have left. It wasn’t time-”

“I know,” Dazai breathed, hesitantly reaching out to Atsushi, His hand hovered in the space between them, as if uncertain if he could touch the man in front of him. Swallowing the fear that this was all just a dream, Dazai lurched forward and grabbed Atsushi by the shoulders, startling him so he looked up at him with glossy sunset eyes. Suddenly, the weight in his body returned, and he was all too aware of the solid feeling of Atsushi’s shoulders in his hands, the sound of his sniffles, the vibrancy of his eyes…

Overwhelmed, Dazai pulled Atsushi to his chest and buried his face in his hair, as if trying to fuse into one being. He stood still, arms trapping Atsushi against him until he could feel his sobs calm down and hear his sniffles quiet. “I…missed you. So much. So, so much,” Dazai admitted, clutching his hands against the fabric of Atsushi’s clothes. Surprisingly, they were the same as when he was back on earth, alive and well- Dazai couldn’t say he minded.

“You still shouldn’t have come,” Atsushi reprimanded softly, pushing against Dazai’s chest to look up at him. He was surprised to see tears wetting Dazai’s eyes as he examined his face, still not believing that Atsushi was in front of him again. “But I’m glad you found me.”

Dazai nodded, pressing a hand to Atsushi’s cheek so he could bring his face closer. The kiss pressed against Atsushi’s lips was gentle, tender, as if he was afraid Atsushi would shatter into a thousand pieces if he got too comfortable with him. Atsushi let his hands rest on Dazai’s shoulders as he tilted his head, enjoying the feel of Dazai’s lips against his own.

He hated that Dazai was here when he should still be alive, but he missed him so, so much.

Even if the circumstances were less than ideal, it felt good to be home.

#dazatsu #dazushi #my stuff #my stuff dazatsu #300 followers #kiss prompts #dear nonnie #asks #character death #tw character death #character death tw #suicide tw #tw suicide #angst #my stuff bsd

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calorieworkouts · 4 years

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7 Reasons You Aren`t Losing Weight

Why can not I drop weight, why haven't I been shedding weight, why are the numbers on the scale not going down?

To reduce weight you can do a pair of points, consume less or work out extra to make sure that you melt a lot more calories than you take in. If you are doing one or other of these points after that you need to be losing weight. I would recommend burning more calories than you take in as the ideal method to lose weight in conjunction with eating a healthy well balanced diet.

The approximated typical day-to-day calorie demand is 2000 for women and also 2500 for guys, this is simply a quote and will rely on your age, weight, elevation, body composition and also levels of activity.

A healthy amount of weight to lose is approx 1-2 pound each week. If you are aiming to slim down this is what you should be aiming for however, indeed there is a however, is it actually weight you wish to shed or, most likely, is it fat that you want to lose? Shedding weight does not always suggest you are shedding fat, you could be shedding a percentage of fat but losing lean mass as well, which is not something you intend to do.

Here are some factors why you might not be slimming down:

1. You are working out more but additionally consuming a lot more as the workout is making you ravenous or possibly you seem like you can consume extra due to the fact that you are now exercising.

It is fairly regular to think ALRIGHT I am currently working out so I can consume that biscuit as well as it's great as I will certainly work it off tomorrow etc but this might not hold true as suppose you were consuming excessive prior to you were exercising.

Keep a food diary for a common week (so don't get on your best behaviour as it wont be a real depiction of what you would generally be eating) as well as create down in it whatever you eat and drink. You require to consist of definitely every little thing as sometime individuals are unaware of specifically the number of calories they are taking in. If you have only 1 tiny square of delicious chocolate or 1 biscuit still create it down. At the end of the week you can include up the calories and also split it by 7 to get your day-to-day standard intake.

Another excellent way of quiting lure is to note the amount of calories remain in whatever your favorite treat is and after that jump on the treadmill, elliptical, cycle etc and also see how much time it considers you to shed that lots of calories. Currently understanding just how much work it requires to burn you might reconsider temptation as you will certainly have to burn those calories off on top of your normal work out.

2. You are utilizing ranges to evaluate your weight loss

Scales are one of the most prominent way for individuals to judge if they are shedding weight. I have seen it lot of times people claiming they intend to lose?? lbs (insert any type of number) and after that they hop on the scales every week (in some cases daily) as well as obtain discouraged when they don't see the results they want.

If you are not seeing a difference in the ranges maybe for different reasons, possibly you are losing fat and also placing on muscle mass (gone over even more under umber 7 listed below). Or maybe you have reached a plateau (see number 3 listed below).

The best method to determine your development is to take your body dimensions, so hips, waistline and also chest measurements (if you desire to take various other dimensions such as arms, thighs, calf bones etc then do so as well) these will provide a real indication of just how your body is altering. The ranges may not transform much yet you will know if you are slimming down by the decrease in cm/inches around your body. Also have your body fat percentage gauged, this can be done by an individual trainer, fitness expert utilizing bio resistance devices or callipers or by using the weight and also bio resistance devices in pharmacies as well as a few other stores, the devices normally offer a print out of your weight, elevation as well as likewise ahs an option for you can obtain your body fat % which includes holding the deals with on the side of the equipment. Once you have your body fat % you can then use this to choose a goal, i.e. just how much body fat % you desire to shed instead of just how much weight you desire to shed.

3. You have been following the very same exercise plan for months

Maybe you have actually gotten to a plateau, this occurs. Whether it's the last couple of pounds you are trying to shed or if you still have a method to go if you haven't changed your workouts after that you can stop. Your body obtains made use of to what you do, when you start something new you get results as you surprise your body you challenge it and also it reacts, currently as soon as you have tested your body it will start to adjust, it will certainly start to become used to what you are doing. This is why you need to regularly test your body, your muscular tissues etc. Comparable to your mind if you do not challenge your brain you do not learn any even more you remain at the exact same level of intelligence.

So maintain your body guessing, this can be done by blending up your regular, change your exercises, either by doing them in a different order or by doing a various exercise entirely (one that still works the very same muscle team).

If you are jooging or running as well as doing it at a stable rate then add some high intensity periods. So whislt functioning at your regular rate include in a minute of running or 30 seconds sprinting then go back to your normal pace after that up the intensity once again, keep alternating.

Other ways of challenging your body is to raise either the weight, reps or collections this will certainly depend on your objectives i.e. the number of collections and also associates you do depend on if you are trying to enhance strength, muscle size (hypertrophy), endurance or if you are simply servicing upkeep. If you keep your reps as well as sets the same then you must boost the weight as your body will obtain used to the weight and it will certainly end up being less complicated and also easier. The weight needs to be heavy sufficient that the last rep you do is the last one you can do, so you wouldn't be able to do another, not without shedding your form.

Ladies, lifting weights will not offer you substantial protruding muscles, you do not have sufficient testosterone for this to happen, so don't be stressed concerning lifting heavy weights or functioning in the direction of hypertrophy. Keep in mind the more muscle mass you have the faster your metabolism and also the much more fat you can shed whilst doing nothing.

4. You have taken place a stringent diet

If you have actually gone on a diet you can be preventing on your own from reducing weight. Your body might be battling back. In order to shed weight you need to eat and have a healthy and well balanced diet. Your body requires calories (energy) to work, breathing, digesting food, your heart beating as well as several various other automatic processes all uses power to do it. If you start decreasing your calories your body goes into starvation setting, it decreases your metabolism and also starts hanging on to everything you consume as well as stores all of it to use as energy. If you are not consuming enough calories your body will certainly not make use of simply fat as energy yet also lean tissue. It is a lot more challenging to put on muscle than fat. Plus as quickly as you start eating "typically" once more, which you will have to do as diets are not made to be long-term, you will put the weight back on extremely quick and also it will return to all the areas you had fat before. This is because fat cells can never go away, they can diminish (which is what takes place when you lose fat), expand (when you place fat on) and increase in number (when you place on more weight than before) once created they don't leave.

5. You don't get enough sleep

If you are getting much less than 8 hours rest per night after that this can be affecting your weight management. You will locate that if you do not have sufficient sleep the complying with day you may be yearning more carbohydrates and sugars in order to give you power. Lack of sleep can decrease your metabolic process so you additionally wont be shedding off as many calories as you would certainly if you had your full 8 hours.

6. You have actually started using the complimentary weights/weight machines

Firstly this is wonderful and everybody should be including strength training in their exercises. Strength training raises your muscles mass. Your muscular tissues mass is what offer you great toned legs, arms, abs etc and also your muscles will be firmer and you will be more powerful. The even more muscular tissue mass you have the greater your metabolic rate will be so you will certainly be shedding more fat even when you are doing absolutely nothing. Now the distinction is many people think about weight loss in regards to just how much they evaluate on the scales when actually you must be checking out shedding fat. If you lot 1lb of fat yet gained 1lb of muscle you will see no distinction on the ranges but you will see a distinction in your body dimensions as well as fat %. This is due to the fact that muscle mass is a lot extra dense than fat, it uses up a whole lot less space in the body So out with the fat, that's using up a whole lot of room and also causing lumps in position you don't desire, and also in return include some densely stuffed muscle mass which will offer you a lean and also toned body.

Just in case you read this without checking out number 3 I just intend to repeat that ladies raising weights, also hefty ones, will not get large bulging muscle mass (we do not have the testosterone!).

7. You watch what you eat throughout the week however after that weekend breaks are time for you to indulge

So you are exercising as well as eating a healthy diet all week yet on the weekend perhaps you wind up going out a lot more with buddies or family, you go out for beverages or dinner. Or maybe it's a time when you have pizza and a couple of soft drinks and so on. There is absolutely nothing incorrect with having a day off from your healthy and balanced eating but you still need to be knowledgeable about the quantity of calories you are eating. Don't deny on your own life's pleasures but remember you either have to element in the quantity of calories into your everyday number, keep in mind that it is the top quality of food that makes a difference do not freak and pig out on refined foods, if you want pizza or burgers why not try making them from scratch. Or if you do like to indulge on the weekend do it for eventually as well as consider the added calories right into your once a week exercise this way you can spread them across the week.

#exercise #exercise plan #fitness #pilates workout #weight #work out #workout #workouts

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whatzaoverwatch · 6 years

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Anything can happen in the Woods (Part 6)

Aww yiss this is gunna develop some good characters. Some people were talking about how the reader doesn’t really feel like a self-insert. Well this chapter is really going to go in depth with that…lots of personal subjects but I am not afraid to really express them tbh. Please enjoy. First Previous Next

Note: Female Pronouns

It wasn’t long until Gabriel had come back out from his hiding. Something seemed different the moment he woke you up from your mid nap. You hadn’t recalled when you passed out on the long sofa. It had to be somewhere just after you took out a book from the shelf in the living room and sitting down. Coincidentally the book choice had to do with monster identification and the supernatural. In fact, that is what a lot of the books on the shelf were for. To think that all these creatures could possibly exist. Well they had to be if you were taken by a werewolf.

Speaking of the wolf, you were awakened by the weight of familiar fabric rested on top of you. Waking up, you caught a full glimpse of Gabriel sitting like a patient dog in the middle of the living room. Looking down, you found yourself wrapped in the very cape that you was searching for from prior. You were surprised to have found it in fairly good condition. It had been sewn completely up from the tear and it had been washed so delicately. It looked good as new.

The feeling in your heart when you gazed upon it was something you couldn’t perfectly describe. But holding it against your chest and thanking him felt like the right thing to do. He tried to brush it off like it was nothing, but he couldn’t hide away his tail from wagging in pride. The very same reaction from breakfast. Afterwards, he informed you of bringing some clothes to change into. He also offered you to use the shower if you needed to clean up. Saying that you could use that before he let you go outside. Of course you asked him if it was because you behaved only to receive a smirk from that sassy comment.

You showered, ridding of the dull scent that was cloaked over you for the past twenty four hours. Somehow you couldn’t shake away the feeling that you had in your stomach. It came anytime you looked at him. Gabriel was doing all of this: making you food, fixing your cape, even providing you with fresh clothes to change into. But why was he doing it? There was a reason he was opening up to you so much like this. You pondered if this was done to the disappearing victims, but this felt different. It felt like you were meant to be here, it felt like you had a purpose residing in his home. In your gut was this stir, a sensation that you wanted to get to know him more. Ask him questions like why he lived within these woods. Finding out the meaning to all of these sudden emotions.

After the wash, you changed into a clean pair of black jeans and a tank top alongside the red cape. Although there was no reason to wear it, it just felt right. The texture felt softer than before. The scent of it was also different. It was like smoke, like a campfire, like Gabriel. In fact it smelled entirely like him. You could easily mistake it as his black fur. The more you thought on it, the more you were curious on how his fur felt. You don’t know why you were feeling this way towards the monster that blackmailed you with your best friends’ life, but it almost felt like he didn’t care about your friend anymore.

The autumn air was crisp enough to bask in the outfit. The two of you stepped outside to take in the midday air. It felt like you were released from a small prison. The sound of the birds and the swaying of the breeze against the aged trees just felt completely serene. The colder temperature completely indicated that you were nestled close between the mountains. You remembered how close home was from here.

Home. Your concern wavered over you once more at the thought of everyone at home. Your job, your best friend, your neighbors. Did any of them know you were gone? Was anyone even looking for you? [BFName] must be worried sick, given the cut phone call before your taking. What would she think if she knew that you did this for her? Upset most likely. She never wanted to be protected or have her problems be known to others, but you knew her. You knew that she wasn’t even sick in the first place. You knew that she was probably faking it so you would keep her company. Yet you went anyways, because she was like a sister to you.

Suddenly in my train of thought, you felt the sudden brush of Gabriels tail press against your back drawing you back to reality. He was walking beside you around the front of the house. Gabriel tilted his head for a moment before questioning.

“Did you lose yourself for a moment chica? You weren’t planning on running were you?” You looked out to the open woods, seeing every tree and every leaf that rested upon the ground. Shaking your head, you hugged yourself into the cape with a shrug.

“You’d catch up to me before I even started,” Glancing at him, seeing as your eye level was directly to his in his four legged stance, “I also told you my name was [Name].”

“Just making sure,” he huffed and circled around you with another smirk, “yes you told me, but I’d rather call you chica instead.”

“Might as well put a collar on me as well seeing as you are giving me a pet name and taking me for a walk.” Narrowing his eyes he leaned closer, letting you feel his breath.

“Don’t tempt me, chica. I could interest you in a game of fetch while we are at it.” He teased.

“I swear if you didn’t already dwarf me in size, I would kick your ass right now.” You heard him bark a laugh at that challenge before moving ahead.

“I invite you to try.” Shaking your head, you continued to move with him.

Ever since the nap, you didn’t feel intimidated by his words. In fact, a lot of his so called “threats” seemed more like playful gestures more than anything. It came with the pulling feeling in my gut. The feeling was relaxing you over the rest of the situation. Fiddling with your cape over the stitching he did to fix it, you gave it a moment before asking one of the questions that filled my head.

“So, how long have you lived in these woods?” Feeling his eyes on you, you didn’t feel nervous for the first time.

“For awhile…I wanted a place to stay where I didn’t have to deal with mortals.” Looking over at him, you furrowed your brows at that term.

“Mortals?”

“It’s what supernatural beings refer to humans as,” His focus remained on you as you slowly moved, “Although creatures like us have roamed the earth thousands of years before man, we labeled humans as such because of their frail state and their limited age.”

“So you are a supernatural creature.” He looked ahead for a second before shaking his head.

“No. I was mortal…once, but I became this on different terms.”

“How did that happen?” You saw his gaze harden and his teeth grind just a little.

“You sure ask a lot of questions chica.” You look back down at the cape for a moment then shrugged.

“Just a curious soon to be dead woman that’s all. Who am I going to tell after all of this?” It was silent for a brief moment only to hear him sigh reluctantly.

“Long ago I was a part of an experimental magic program that allowed mortals to gain the benefits of supernatural creatures,” He began to say with some hesitation in his words, “It was given to only a select few where our senses would be heightened to detect and search for other supernatural creatures. A few of us ended up surviving the program and used it to hunt down the immortals and the creatures that go bump in the night.”

“So you were a hunter.” He nodded before continuing.

“Before your time, the supernatural creatures despised humans and wanted to eradicate them from the land. The mortals who were afraid for their lives wanted to dispose of them in return. A few of us wanted to at least bring a balance before anything went to shit. That’s when a hunting group named Overwatch was formed,” You noticed a rare, soft smile came to him only for it to fade away, “for years we thought we had made peace, but the fighting just never ended. Soon even bigger problems were starting to happen.”

“Bigger problems?” He halted in his steps and looked to the sky.

“Turns out the magic program had a few unfortunate…side effects to the early contributors. I was one of them. Things didn’t go down south until I had to save one of my students from a wolf attack. I started feeling more of the magic consume my human form. I searched for help to repress it,” You saw his fur bristle for a moment before looking over his shoulder, “They had only made things worse. Then Overwatch started falling apart which lead to an explosion. I was caught in the crossfire. They tried to save me...”

The breeze filtered our silence as you felt him tense up. Seeing shadowy smoke form off of his body and cloak the ground beneath you. Seeing as you were stepping into uncomfortable barriers. You felt bad for asking something so personal. Stepping closer hesitantly to place a hand onto his furred back. He flinched at the touch looking at you with a threatening glare. He snarled as if sending a warning to remove your hand from him. It was frightening and cold, but you didn’t feel the desire to pull away. The fur was incredibly soft against your fingers as you gently stroked with the hair. It seemed to ease him slightly before you spoke.

“I’m, sorry that happened to you.” You could feel his gaze soften a little before pulling away from your touch to tread forward.

“Don’t pity me. I chose to become this form and nothing can save it…not even-” Watching his tail flick in displeasure he kept moving. You caught up with him almost having a yearning to feel his fur once more only to repress it.

“I am not pitying you. I know what it’s like to lose something close to me and find myself alone in the matter. It might not be exactly the same way...but enough to know the pain.” Gabriel turned over to circle you for a moment glaring at your words with a scoff.

“Like you would know how it feels to lose your dearest friends and everything you built only for it to go down in flames,” You gripped onto the cape as he sneered from the reaction, “For someone who has questioned a lot about me, I know nothing about you in return. Tell me, what is a young woman like yourself visiting an outsider in the woods anyways? Why does she carry such a cape with her at all times? After all, a predator should know who its prey is before he can kill it.”

You felt your body stiffen at his questions looking into his crimson gaze that demanded to know. Swallowing hard, you felt the scent of smoke wash over you letting your tension go. Mustering up the courage, you softly spoke.

“That outsider happens to be my best friend, she is like a sister to me more than you know.”

“I know well enough that you’d trade your own soul to save her,” He rested on the ground for a moment, looking at the cape, “What of that cloth you hold onto? Did that come from her as well?”

“No, it came from my mother. She made it for me when I was a baby so it would be something to keep me safe.”

“And yet here we are…I am sure her and your father must be worried sick about you.” He rolled his eyes only for you to cut him off.

“He, as well as my mother, probably don’t know. My parents split up when I was three,” You scowled at the material for a second then to him, “my father went off with another woman and my mother had to raise my brother, my sister, and I all by ourselves until we became of age. She is with someone else but she has hardly been able to contact with me for years. I live by myself trying to get on my feet to pursue what I wanted to be since I was little.”

“And what would that be?” You averted your gaze and sighed.

“An actress.” He lifted his head from that answer only to softly snort at the thought.

“Actress? If you can perform better than you can at lying, then colour me impressed chica.” Glaring at him for a moment, he ceased an upcoming laugh only to look away as if he was apologizing.

“I admit I have lost, some of my touch, but I used to be good according to my peers. But it wasn’t enough to put food on the table so I took on baking at the village bakery.” Recalling the pastries that you brought while walking towards one of the trees.

“Judging by what you brought I’d say stick to that career cause you have a knack for it.” You smiled a bit at that comment before shrugging.

“I get that skill from my mom. But even that I feel isn’t what I want to do in life,” Leaning back against the tree trunk, you slide down the wood to sit on the ground with him, “I don’t know, I feel like I am still trying to figure out my place in this world. I don’t even know when I will make up my mind on what I want to do. I feel like I am trapped in a loop. Like I am lost and I have no one to turn to. My friend could only do so much and I don’t have anyone else besides her. It’s sad but.., I feel like I have nothing.”

Gabriel was silent looking at you. Looking over at him, you felt his anger seemed to have dispersed for the time being. His form no longer infused with smoke at it just seemed like he was a giant wolf. Getting himself up he moved closer towards you looking sincerely.

“Look, you’re young, you still have plenty of time to figure things out. Not everything will come to you instantly, but I know you will find your way at some point. You just have to look for it and learn about yourself. A friend and a career, even if you do not like it, is of more value when you compare to one that has neither.” You looked into his eyes feeling that pull within you once again as he spoke.

Telling you exactly what you wanted to hear. Having that pressure to always deciding something when you still had time to think about it. Plus your friend was enough to keep you company on those days. Looking at Gabriels state, he had nothing. It was no wonder he took it upon himself to roam these woods. You almost had a hint of hope that maybe he was willing to spare you just a bit longer so he wouldn’t be along. But it wouldn’t be long before your inevitable fate. Your thoughts halted as you couldn’t help but laugh.

“You mean the time between now and when I get killed? Do you think I will find out before then?” His tail swayed for a second before chuckling lowly with a shrug.

“Hey it’s possible…anything can happen in the woods chica,” He began to move back to the direction we were coming with slowly, “come…it’s getting late, you wouldn’t want to be out here after dark.”

Getting up, you joined his side with a slight smirk.

“What is there to be afraid of, when I have you to be next to me? After all, a predator has to look out for its prey when it wants to be the one who can kill it.”

He hummed at that statement as, feeling his tail brush up against me softly. The urge to pet it stirred your insides.

“That is true…your soul is mine and no one is going to take that.”

There was something about that statement that sent a pleasant chill up your spine. It would’ve sounded horrifying a week ago but now, it felt comforting. It felt as if he was walking you home. Home…honestly the more you thought of it…the more it felt like it was more of your home than your place in the village. You contemplated that as you took another whiff of the cape that clung to your shoulders. Not even noticing the way Gabriel gently smiled at you as you draped the cloak closer to your form.

To be continued

#overwatch #overwatch scenarios #overwatch imagines #reaper #reaper x reader #gabriel reyes #gabriel reyes x reader #overwatch x reader

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yaminerua · 3 years

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Emeto warning

I’ve felt sick from this for a while but I didn’t think I was actually going to physically be. I’ve not eaten much. I haven’t been able to for quite a while now because I’ve felt just too off to and every time I’ve tried I’ve not managed much through feeling like I was going to be sick. and I’ve had very very little sleep in a long while but it’s especially worse lately with barely getting to sleep at all. and my chest has been aching constantly for so so long from all of this. Like a hammering, racing thud that won’t stop or even let up enough to let me rest. it feels like my ribcage itself is breaking From the constant pounding.

and i keep crying just... so so much until my throat is raw and my eyes burn and my head is well past ready to implode and it all just combined this morning and I was sick all over the floor. Mostly just water and stomach juices since there wasn’t really any food down there but my body kept retching anyway

felt like I was trying to force my heart up and out through my throat.

I didn’t think anything could ever floor me like this...

I don’t want them to know it’s made me this ill. It would do no good whatsoever. I don’t want them to feel guilty or worry because I know it’s not their fault their heart was able to move on instantly while mine remains stuck on them even all these months on. There may never have been a good time to tell me they were with someone new But I appreciate that they waited a while instead of dropping it on me right after they broke us up but.. man.. I don’t think any amount of time would’ve made it easy to stomach

I’m struggling so much trying to keep things together because they still want to be friends but that hurts so much. I’ve been trying to just accept it and heal but it’s not working. Just knowing them, every little thing they do and say, seeing their face, it will keep making me love them helplessly as it always has, even with knowing my time together with them is over. So I’m in for a painful time of endless yearning.

and im not a bitter person. If they’re going to be happy with this person I really do want them to be happy. They’re so wonderful and they deserve the world and more and if I can’t give them what they want and need anymore that’s just the harsh truth of life... I accept it reluctantly but it does little to stop my heart still feeling what it feels.

They deserve the best. I wanted so hard to be someone worthy of their love. I’d do everything to be right for them. I’m eternally thankful even for the small, blessed handful of years that they loved me at all.

But wanting someone you love to be happy and being absolutely destroyed at seeing them happy with someone new are things that can exist at the same time. And it’s like someone had stuck a fork in my chest and started mashing and twisting everything up.

i know how bad it looks to try to say that friendship after love feels as though it is too hard. I know it can come across in a toxic way like it’s making an ‘all or nothing‘ type ultimatum like ’you Have to be with me or you don’t get to know me at all’ but that’s not what I mean at all. That is cruel, especially when done intentionally in that manipulative manner. I don’t want to do that to them.

but the concept of going back to friends after something this deep and special and finding it impossibly hard to do and struggling is also not untrue... trying to still be in proximity to them as friends while I’m stuck agonisingly in love with them and keep helplessly falling over and over and its not even anything they’re doing in particular, it’s just them and I can’t help but love everything they are. I’m certain I’ll never fully get over them and I know everyone says that but this is different from anything I’ve had before. This really felt like it had a future and now it’s gone and I’ll never get them back and so many months later my heart is still sick and it is not doing me any good. But I don’t want to say some shit like ‘you’re not doing me any good’ or anything like that because that’s an awful thing to say.

i‘d said that I would need time to Try to heal time has passed and it’s not getting better and idk how long a wait is reasonable... especially when I know the moment I see or speak to them again any tiny scrap of progress I make will be blown away by that painful oncoming train of inescapable fondness And longing.

I care about them so much and I don’t want them to see me continue to suffer over a heart that can’t change and over something they themselves couldn’t help, but I also don’t want them to suffer or resent me if it really turns out I’m not strong enough of heart to be able to swallow the ache and bear it to stick around. I don’t want to be a burdensome weight on them. I don’t want them to be troubled looking at me and seeing someone who by still being around them just can’t even begin to move on. They Are just so loveable, how can I ever not feel helplessly in love with them.

but it really has been months and this isn’t getting better. The longer it goes the worse it gets and it’s not like I haven’t been trying to find ways to hurry up and heal so I can stop these feelings being a bother. This heart is just so stubborn... even before we were together I tried in vain for more than a year to shake off the ‘crush’. I couldn’t even manage that.

im not going to say I wish we never happened because god being with them was the happiest time of my life and I was so ready to work for a future by their side. But if I’d never been with them I’d never have known what I’d be missing and when they got someone to love I’d never be able to know the private things that would go on. I wouldn’t have vivid and sensory memories of those experiences to be haunted by. I’d never know what kissing them felt like or to be quite so wrecked knowing all the tender intimacies that will happen with someone else now, who will be much better at it than I ever was. But knowing them as personally as I was once permitted to, and knowing someone else will now get to do that, and maybe even more than I was able to, and to be better at it.. it settles deep in my bones, thick and tarry in my veins And I almost wish I could forget.

I cant compare to this person. he has me beat on every level. I’m sure they’ll both be happy and together a long time. They seem good for each other, I can’t deny that... And a good part of me wants them to be happy even if it has to be with someone who isn’t me anymore. But the heartbroken part of me that was never going to be ready to lose them wishes desperately that one day they’d come back and there’s just no point in hoping for something that’s surely impossible. What’s done is done.

but all of that and more cycles round and round in my head and my chest and churns until my body can’t take it and tries to eject it from my system as if it was as simple as puking out my feelings and being done with it.

no break up or hurt in my life has even come close to even beginning to scratch the surface of the magnitude of this deep ache in my soul. And there has been some truly awful fuckshit in my life.

i don’t want to let them down. I didn’t want to let them down in the first place, though whether there was more to our ending behind the scenes than just that I’ll never know. Maybe I’d been losing them long before I could have even tried anything about it.

but I don’t know how to move forward without it going badly one way or another

one side if I‘m a pathetic coward and run from the hurt that comes with being around them and seeing them, and the feelings that can’t die because who I am is just doomed to love everything they are, then I end up losing even the ability to know or have them in my life at all. And I would mourn that forever too. We become strangers and they probably forever feel hurt at the fact I couldnt stay close to them because of this weak, sensitive heart. I’ll be shelved in the past as a disappointment.

on the other I stay close to keep them in my life and my heart continues to break and yearn for the return of something that’s gone. The friend who never truly gets over them and always unconsciously hopes for a return. And constant exposure to their new love will fester under my skin and keep the aching wound fresh and weeping. And whatever friendship I try to salvage may come off awkward and unnatural. Especially if we were to meet face to face at cons or amongst the shared circle of friends again Where I can’t hide behind a convenient mask of carefully worded text to hide the feelings. I worry my heavy heart still so full of love that I’ll be unable to fully mask and hide will make them uncomfortable. Because dammit Lauren why can’t you just get over it already

yeah...

i sound ridiculous and Its been the same stuff for this whole year. But god.. I love them so much and no matter what happens I know I’ll always be in love with them in some constant way all my life. They really were one of a kind. The gentlest sweetest soul with a patience that melted my heart and made me feel safer and more comfortable than anyone else ever could.

I really thought we could make it work. And though life circumstances played a big part in keeping us apart and making their feelings drift, maybe I was also always going to never quite be enough in comparison to Someone else. I wanted to be made for them, to be someone who deserved to stay in their heart as I once was, but maybe someone else was always going to be the better fit.

i can only wish them the best

#Big heartbroken vent #Also sickness mention

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unfinishedovercomer · 4 years

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In honor of World Suicide Prevention Day, I’d like to share my story of how I’ve been delivered and rescued through my struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts. I hope someone out there benefits from this and realizes they’re not alone and hope is available to everyone.

I was born in December 1989 with Spina Bifida, a birth defect that left me unable to walk, among other things. I had to have surgery about once every year until I was fifteen years old. When I was in the sixth grade, I started experiencing incontinence—losing control of my bladder—and this condition worsened as I grew into adulthood. I learned different ways to cope with it, until my early twenties.

Somewhere along the line, I also developed anxiety and depression. In all honesty, they have been my constant companions for as long as I can remember. I have tried many different medications to treat them, but instead of helping, they only made things worse for me. Anxiety, depression, and incontinence proved to be a dangerous combination.

My breaking point came on March 16, 2014, when I leaked in my mother’s car after my sister’s birthday party. Feeling like a failure, I started to believe that everyone I loved would be better off without me. I felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore, and I didn’t plan to.

I quickly entered the house, marching into my bedroom. I was done. This was it. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my very best friend, because I didn’t want him or anyone else to try to talk me out of my escape. As I was looking around my bedroom for something that would accomplish my plan, a very distinct voice came into my head. I heard the voice say, “Go to bed—now!” It was only ‪6:00 p.m.‬, but I obeyed.

The next morning, I was awakened ‪at 6:00 a.m.‬ to the sound of my alarm, and then it hit me. I couldn’t believe that I was capable of even trying to take my own life. I knew I had to tell someone. My best friend picked me up that evening, and I told him everything that had happened. I eventually started telling more and more people, including my family. The support I received was startling. If I had just reached out sooner, I might never have gotten to that point. I realized I was loved, not only by God, but by the people He has placed into my life. What was most startling, though, was the voice that had commanded me so clearly on that dark night. As I looked back, I knew beyond any doubt that the voice I had heard belonged to the love of my life, Jesus Christ.

Through my trials, I have come to discover that God is real, and He is good, and He is enough. He was the only One who knew what I was going through that night in my room, and He cared enough to save me. God has brought me into deeper intimacy with Him through every trial that has come since that night. I am not the person I used to be.

I came to know Jesus on May 28th, 2006, at the age of sixteen, after one day in study hall, a lifelong friend shared the Gospel with me and told me that Jesus died for my sins. I know this is going to sound crazy, but after I received Him, I started hearing Jesus in my head. I know I heard that same voice on the night I was planning to end my life.

I have since been called by the Lord to minister to others facing the same darkness. I am called to show Christ’s love and compassion to those who feel that they have no purpose in this world, and I am so excited about that calling.

I still struggle with suicidal thoughts. It’s a nagging thought in the back of my head. If something happens to me, I know where I’m going. But God’s grace has never failed to carry me. I’m stronger because of my struggle, because it drives me into the arms of the Lord. Just because I am now a child of God does not mean my struggle is over; it just means I can turn to Him for strength and comfort.

I tell my story because I want anyone who is considering suicide to know that they are not alone. I want to help them to reach out, because if they don’t, they may never realize that God put them here because the world needs them. I want them to know that God is real. He loves us all, and He shed His own blood for us. He gave His life so that we could live. Since March 16th, 2014, He has saved my life more times than I could possibly count. He is my reason for living every single day. That is why I share Him with a dying world.

Speaking of which, in the midst of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual struggles, the Lord fulfilled His call on my life for ministry in several amazing ways, both online and in my own home and community. As my ministry calling was finally becoming a reality, depression began to catch up with me. Turning to food and alcohol instead of turning to the Lord for peace, I gained a significant amount of weight. Yet this served to show me, more clearly than ever before, my desperate need of the grace and mercy that Jesus alone can offer, as in the spring of 2018, I suffered a broken knee while under the influence of alcohol that caused me to be hospitalized for 2 days and off work for 33. That summer, I received an indwelling catheter to try to help with my urinary issues, but instead it wreaked havoc on my body, which in turn wreaked havoc on my mind. That fall, I got a new wheelchair that was not the right fit for me, which presented a new set of challenges over the 8 months it took to fix it.

In the spring of 2019, I got a bone infection through a sore on my foot which led to 2 hospitalizations. That fall I was diagnosed with obstructive sleep apnea and given a CPAP to help, but the challenges of adjusting to the machine led to sleep deprivation, which deepened my depression.

My self-care continues to be an issue. I still struggle to keep my home and body clean, part of which actually led to the loss of my first job in 2016.

I’ve caught myself whispering “I wish I was dead” countless times. But now I know that’s not really true because when I was in the hospital in the spring of 2019, thinking I was dying, I realized I wasn’t really ready. And if that wasn’t enough, God showed me that many of the great men of faith in Scripture - Jeremiah, Moses, Jonah, Elijah - all struggled with the same thoughts, and that this struggle does not equal a lack of faith.

Living for Jesus has taken on a new, literal meaning for me. When I feel like I have nothing else to live for and no strength left, He continues to remind me that He gives me strength to face anything. He has shown me that nothing surprises Him. He has taught me that these trials are meant to purify my faith and to build endurance, which He promises will lead to strengthened character and hope. He said that no weapon formed against me will succeed, and that my vindication comes from Him alone, and that my hope will never be cut off. His authority brings me comfort. His victory over the world in the midst of my troubles brings me peace. He is the strength of my heart when my mind and body fail. His grace truly is enough, because His promises preserve my life, and His goodness and mercy continue to chase me down every day.

I can’t say my faith has never been shaken; that would be a lie. When I take my eyes off the Lord and His promises, I sink right back into deadly despair. The enemy has taken advantage of my struggles to whisper lies about God and His Truth, and I’ve fallen for them more times than I can count, getting in fights with God and almost reaching the point of turning my back on Him. Yet the Lord never ceases to pursue me, and He keeps me in His perfect peace as I fix my mind on Him, and He has promised that He will finish the good work He started in me.

When my feelings of despair grow too strong, I am tempted to feel worthless. A secret battle with addiction to pornography warped my sexuality and often led me to lose sight of my identity as a holy and pure child of God. The one thing that combats the lies greater than anything else is the truth of the worth that the Lord has placed on me by shedding His priceless blood on the cross for me. The blood of God in human form is the most precious substance in all creation, and that’s the price He paid for me, and for all of us, and He has promised overwhelming victory in Christ, even when I feel defeated.

When I mess up, which I do daily, I struggle to forgive myself, but God is faithful and just to forgive my sins, because of what Jesus did on the cross - therefore I must forgive myself, no matter how far I fall.

The Lord has promised to keep me strong to the end so that I will be blameless on the day that He returns. He says that His disciples are the light of the world, and that the light can never be extinguished by the darkness. Even when my body is failing, God tells me that I am wonderfully made, and that there is wonderful joy ahead.

I can’t take any credit for the strength that I’ve found through faith in Christ. I yearn for stronger faith every day. I still struggle to believe the truth of God over the lies of Satan and my own mind. I still struggle to turn to the God of all comfort instead of things that will never ultimately satisfy, even though I am now both clean and sober. I am more grateful for the grace and mercy of the Lord Jesus Christ than ever before, because He is enough. He showed me that I don’t need alcohol or porn or any created thing to deal with depression. All I need is Jesus, and He has proven through all these years that He will never leave me. He is my joy, my living hope, and the love of my life. He has filled every void in my life in an indescribably powerful way. I am also in therapy through my church to help me deal with all these challenges and more, and I thank God for that as well. My prayer is that others who are struggling find lasting hope in Jesus Christ. He is SO faithful!

I am in absolute awe of the way the Lord chose to grow my faith through trials. In May of 2020, at age 30, in the middle of the coronavirus pandemic, I underwent bladder surgery and had a stoma placed in my belly. This was the hardest decision I’d had to make so far in my life, and the timing felt awful to say the least. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t struggle, but the Lord directed my steps the whole way. I wouldn’t be allowed visitors for the majority of my initial hospital stay... so the Lord sent me a whole new support system in the hospital. Don’t ever tell me He doesn’t work through people. He does. The recovery, which was only supposed to take 6-8 weeks, went on for over four months. I not only underwent physical surgery; the Lord performed a major spiritual surgery in my heart. It was incredibly difficult. I was scared. I was broken. I felt far from God. But Jesus never failed to meet me where I was, even in my fear, and He proved Himself ever faithful over and over again. He showed me that in baptizing me with this fire, He is with me, fulfilling His promise to make me holy in every way by burning and blasting away my pride and impurities and sin, and transforming me into His image, in which I was created, and that He will only allow this fire to burn as long as necessary to accomplish His purpose. He has promised to conquer my sins! He has shown me that no matter what heartbreak I face, He is close, keeping track of each of my tears. He is pruning me to bear more fruit, with the promise that the discipline He provides will produce a harvest of righteousness for those who are trained by it. He taught me that He only does what is good, that He is for me and not against me, and that He will not allow me to be destroyed. Jesus has revealed Himself to me as the Word of God made flesh. He has shown me the deceitfulness of sin, and the war that it has been waging against my soul. He has revealed to me that sinful pleasures are temporary and can never fully satisfy me; only the pleasures that are found in Him can provide fullness of eternal joy. He’s shown me that His love is holy, pure, and without hypocrisy, and does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. He has revealed Himself to me as the God of truth, who alone has the right to define that which He has designed. He’s taught me that no one who believes in Him will be put to shame, and therefore any shame I feel is false and not from Him. In this wrestling with Him for the blessings He has promised, He is wrestling with me for my repentance, drawing me into a deeper, more authentic relationship with Him than ever before.

I could never have imagined the road that God would lay out for me to experience abundant life with Him. Beyond my physical health, I am so grateful for the spiritual healing the Lord has worked in me. I am so excited to see what God has in store for me in the future.

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay #endthestigma #youarenotalone

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rationaromanceblog · 4 years

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Hurtles through weight loss: Part II

Losing weight was supposed to be it, the problem solved. You just don’t diet forever the consensus being you would have a miserable life if you did. Everyone I grew up with seemed in agreeance that once the weight is gone you go back to ‘normal’. That logical fallacy is so obvious now, admitting I believed it for a decade feels foolish. On my search for answers I found a podcast that advocated for sustainable weight loss; If you can’t do it forever, don’t do it to lose weight. It interviewed women who kept off the weight they lost. Something, I realized, I didn’t have an example of in real life. People I knew were either naturally thin, or perpetually dieting.

The women interviewed shared their tricks and tactics. I learned a lot about the practical aspects of weight loss, and the various methodologies. Until then to lose weight I just ran, cut back my eating and ate less junk food. The podcast introduced me to nutrition. It taught me that there was more to exercise than going on a jog. Most importantly it reiterated sustainability, and lifestyle changes. Initially it was boggling. It was the first time I had to face what I believed and declare it wrong. There is no ‘going back to normal’ and dieting didn’t have to be miserable. The proof was in these women who were very happy and thriving. That shift in perspective changed everything. Implementing the ideology I lost 20lbs that I never found again. It was liberating.

But I wasn’t done. I yearned for the lean body I had when I first moved to Denver. I’d shown myself it was possible to be that thin and now I had proof it was possible to achieve permanently. I dove head first into research. I learned anything and everything on diet culture, nutrition, biology, exercise. I loved the intricacies of it. I started to feel like a weight loss pro. But all that knowledge somehow meant little when I stepped on the scale. Something was still missing.

I was absentmindedly listening to the podcast when I was introduced to a new facet of this world. Something the woman speaking said struck me and I hit pause to try to register it. She made a comment about deprivation I had never heard before. It’s common to hear the advice Don’t feel deprived. Do whatever you have to do to avoid deprivation. Make sure you give yourself treats sometimes so you don’t feel deprived. It was a very common and accepted message, it made sense. Deprivation and weight loss often come hand and hand, if you can do something to manage the feeling, you’re more likely to continue on the journey, of course. But Brooke didn’t seem to agree with this. She said Feel deprived. What’s so bad about feeling deprived? It’s just a feeling in your body. It was so shocking that I restarted the podcast so that I could understand better.

Brooke is a life coach with her own podcast. It took me a long time to start listening to it since it wasn’t a weight loss podcast. Once I did start listening I found her message very hard to swallow, it took me a long time to take it seriously. She was suggesting that emotions can be processed and managed without acting on them, that we get to choose and control how we feel. That I should face my emotions head on and learn to recognize my thoughts. It was like she was speaking a different language. She might as well have been introducing me to quantum physics. Brooke encouraged her listeners to make bigger goals. But I had given up my real ones when I dropped out of college. They had become ‘it would be nice to’ sentences instead. Everything she said sounded like absolute drudgery. I couldn’t buy it for more than an interesting idea.I kept listening though. It tickled a part of my brain that liked the possibility it created. I was too busy enjoying my comforts to give them up like she suggested would benefit me. It took a second heartbreak to change that.

Kevin and I had been dating for 3 years when he broke up with me. He was going to be my future. We’d just moved into a luxury apartment in the city. I’d found a career with growth. We were settling into cohabitating wonderfully. We were entering an exciting new phase. But Kevin felt stagnant. Kevin was questioning why his dream and what we’d been working towards, moving to the city, wasn’t the answer to his misery. It must be my relationship he assumed. So on a January night, 3 months after signing our lease we broke up and I was left in shattered pieces.

Suddenly everything Brooke said was the answer. I used Brooke’s tools to face myself like I hadn’t dared to. With what felt like nothing to lose, I did the work I was avoiding. Full of knowledge and ready to implement I lost 30lbs in 2 months, the fastest I’d ever lost that much weight. It was scary and wonderful. This time I didn’t lose weight to get revenge at Kevin or try to win him back. I used it to prove to myself that I was in control of my life.

Kevin and I continued living together for the rest of our lease. With the same tools I was able to navigate the break up smoothly. I could feel love, patience and understanding along with the pain. During this time I learned how to overcome my anxiety, my lack of worth and self esteem. I stopped stalling away my ambitions. I became a new person, inside not just out.

About a year later, once I began to feel recovered from the break up, I recognized my pattern. I wasn’t being as discipline, I wasn’t making the choices I knew would keep the weight off. I went back and forth between wanting to enjoy treats and wanting to stay very thin. I looked much healthier because I had learned to eat higher quality food and started exercising consistently, but I knew I could be doing better.

I was doing a review of my year, to see what I had accomplished and what was left to do. I realized that losing weight was still on my list, it just never seemed to go away. Very frustrated with myself that I had all these tools and wisdom I was ready for this weight loss thing to be over once and for all. It kept taking up too much mental energy for too long, how do I end this?

In my next search for answers Brenda became my life coach. In her program I started to see why I kept getting in my own way. The fun in investing in a program is that I approached it with a strong sense of commitment, because otherwise I just wasted a bunch of money, and wasting a bunch of money was not an option. Being on her program gave me back momentum. I could go to her for clarity and insight. She was able to guide me through thoughts that I didn’t even recognize were still plaguing me. I was able to shift away from the guilt I had associated with weight and food. In one of the weeks Brenda’s lesson was about releasing guilt and perfection. She said You never have to feel bad about eating again. It brings you no benefit and releasing it is completely an option. I was walking on the sidewalk on my way somewhere and I started sobbing. All of my life, I had a strong sense that I was a bad person for not being able to figure this out and for just being overweight. I was automatically less than. In that moment I realized I could just be. If I wanted to be thin that could be fine, but not something I needed to prove.

At the end of the day, losing weight and maintaining weight loss is a skillset. I wish I had known this earlier. You practice and you fail and you get a little better and it gets a little easier and then you fail again and you learn a better technique and on and on. Embracing weight loss like this, made me want to keep getting up and keep trying because I could see that every time that I did, it became just a little bit easier than it was last time.

There didn’t come a time where I found the one magical answer. Every new piece of information was another part of the large complicated puzzle. It did stop being this impending overwhelming mountain that I had to climb, however. I wanted to do it, even though I’d learned along the way there was no real imperative need to lose more weight as long as I felt healthy. Certainly, there were times when it went back to seeming dreadful and overwhelming. But there was something in me that didn’t want to give up and I respected that. I could handle dread and overwhelm. Along the way I became more self aware, confident, and evolved for having to struggle through this. I am glad I refused to give up my search for answers. That was the only way I could get past the garbage and to the answers that were right for me.

#self love #weight loss #growing up #body image #self esteem

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reprisedpiece · 7 years

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Take A Break

Pairing: Mike Faist x LawStudent!Reader

Warning: mentions of curse words and breaking down

Request/s:

- “YES! definitely would love like a law student! reader x connor or mike!!” - “If you’re still accepting requests, could you write a law student reader x Mike Faist where the reader is super stressed out? Thanks!“ - “omg i would kill for a law student reader x mike faist tbh“

Word Count: 1943

Note: this is extremely fluffy i’m warning you guys. but hey i enjoyed writing this. send me more requests please even if it isn’t career!reader i’m willing to write a n y t h i n g. hope y’all like this. as always, feedback is appreciated.

MASTERLIST

You knew law school was going to be very difficult. You came from a family of lawyers so you’ve heard the stories over family reunions and Fourth of July barbecues. They would tell you how they consumed liters of coffee so that they can go through their entire tenure in law school.

You knew you could handle the pressure. You were taught that a lawyer entails a strong will with an unwavering spirit. You had to be tough because you would have to stand up for your clients.

Still, having someone by your side would make things better. You knew you would eventually need someone to be there when times get tough, when you feel like you couldn’t handle it. Every student breaks down ones in a while and they had someone.

You had Mike. You’ve been together for three years. You met him when you were still in college and watched him play as Jack Kelly in Newsies: The Musical. You were disappointed when you heard Jeremy Jordan wouldn’t be there but that disappeared when you watched him perform his heart out. He saw you after the show, talked, went out for a cup of coffee, and that was that.

You had Mike and he had you. That’s how it is. But recently, you thought that changed.

With Dear Evan Hansen being one of the most-awaited musicals of the year, performing eight shows a week and rehearsing for the rest of the time became the reason why you hardly saw him anymore.

He’d still be asleep when you had to get up for your classes and when you get home, he’d be out there on a show. By the time he gets home, he’d give you a kiss and then sleep while you studied one case file after another.

You couldn’t blame him. He was tired too. And besides, you were busy. You didn’t see the need to wake him up. Both of you were too caught up with your respective careers, too focused on making a name out there. You always thought that career would always come first and that both of you would be perfectly fine despite the heavy demands of your careers.

Until today.

It was all because of the bar examinations. Coming from a family of lawyers who passed the bar on their first try, this was nerve-wrecking. The pressure of following in the steps of your predecessors had you sitting in your room, tears prickling your eyes and threatening to fall.

“Taxation law is a fucking pain in the ass.” You mumble to yourself, rubbing your eyes to clear your vision from tears. It was no use.

Tears continued to form even when you rubbed them away. The bar examination was three days away and you were still having a hard time with that particular area.

You’ve been studying for 28 hours and yet you feel stuck. You let out a sigh as you grabbed your pen and continued to hit the books.

Two hours into reviewing, you felt your back and your neck starting to ache. You tried to shrug the pain away but it was no use. Your body yearned for rest, specifically on the soft bed behind you.

Soon enough, your hands were starting to shake. You tried rubbing your hands together in attempt to put a halt on its involuntary movements but it didn’t help.

The next thing you know, you were sobbing. Tears blurred your vision and you knew you were getting your notes wet. Your buried your face into your hands, crying.

You pushed everything off your table. The books, papers, and notecards, scattering on the floor.

“I can’t do this. I’m going to fail this exam, fuck.” You were mumbling to yourself as your confidence dropped. You placed one of your hands to your mouth, trying to silence your cries. Your other hand reached for your hair, tugging on it in frustration.

You couldn’t stop crying, you couldn’t calm yourself down, you couldn’t even breathe properly.

You didn’t hear Mike knocking on your door through your cries.

He knew that the bar examinations were near so he took a day off to surprise you. He knew that he hasn’t been around lately so to compensate, he wanted to spend the entire day with you to help you relax.

He bought his hard drive with him so you can watch movies, bought popcorn and ice cream, he even stopped by a flower shop to buy you a bouquet of sunflowers because he knew you loved them.

He walked up to the apartment. Normally, he’s just use the key but he had so many stuff in his arms that he decided to just knock on your door.

“Y/N! Could you open the door? I have a surprise for you.” He said loudly, grinning from ear to ear. He was excited to spend the day with you.

He waited for five minutes and you still haven’t attended the door. Mike’s eyebrows crunched up in confusion. He tried knocking again. “Y/N? Are you there?”

He placed his ear against the door, only to hear soft cries from the other end.

Mike quickly put the flowers, food, and his bag on the ground. He started fishing around his pocket for the key.

When he the door, what he saw made him run to you immediately.

You felt arms wrap around you tightly. You didn’t even have to look up. You knew it was Mike. Even if you haven’t spent most of the past weeks with one another, you’d never forget how it would feel like to be in his arms.

Your crying still hasn’t seized. Your fists were still curled up in you hair and you leaned back against his chest. Mike was hushing softly, rocking you in his arms in attempt to calm you down. He ran his fingers down your hair. He pried your fingers off your hair and interlocked them with his.

After some time, your sobs reduced to tears falling from your eyes. Your throat started to hurt from crying and you felt numb, tired.

Mike continued to mumble soft nothings in your ear, even mumbling a series of apologies for not being there. Still cradling you in his arms, his eyes scanned the room. He stared at the heap of books and papers scattered on the floor before shifting his gaze on you.

“Maybe I’m not cut out for this.” You whispered softly, not a trace of hope could be heard from your voice.

“Y/N-”

“I can’t even go though an exam without bursting into tears. How am I suppose to defend a client in front of a jury and a judge?” Your voice started quivering and Mike’s heart broke. He knew this was your dream and here you were, losing confidence at what you do.

He pressed a kiss on your temple. “Y/N, everyone goes through a rough patch every once in a while. Not everyone is perfect. People break down once in a while, it’s a way to release stre-”

“Lawyers aren’t criers! They’re tough. I mean, who the fuck cries because of tax law? Apparently, I do!” You exclaimed in frustration.

Mike hushed you once again, twirling your hair with his finger. “You shouldn’t be ashamed of that. It’s better to let everything out once in a while than to keep it all in. I bet Obama has broken down before,” He joked.

You managed to crack a smile at his last sentence, which quickly fell after another though flooded your head.

“I just, I don’t know anymore. I really don’t want to disappoint my family, Mike.” You spoke softly, staring down at your intertwined fingers.

He gave you a sad smile. “I know you don’t. But if you focus on just becoming a bad ass lawyer rather than being the ultimate perfect daughter, which really can’t be achieved, maybe that would help in lifting the weight off your shoulders,”

He held you closer to him, his chin sitting on top of your head before speaking again. “Focus on yourself, Y/N. Focus on what you want and what you want to be. Your parents already know how hard you’ve been working and I believe they are proud to have you as their daughter.”

“But what if I fail?” You began wiping your tears away, chuckling bitterly. “Still proud of me?”

“Behind a single success is a series of failures. You’ve worked hard to achieve your dream. You’ll get there one way or another. Even if that means failing it for the first time,”

He tightened his embrace. “And let me tell you this, Y/N. I am incredibly proud of you. You will be an amazing lawyer. You’ll be a hero out there.”

You felt tears welling up in your eyes once again but this time, they’re tears of happiness. You looked up at him. You placed your hand behind his neck and pulled him down for a kiss.

“Thank you, Mike.” You said as you pulled away. “It was a good thing you came or else I would still be a mess.”

He frowned at you, yet still holding you in his arms.

“Hey,” He took a hold of your chin, making you look at him.

“Me being here was pure luck. The next time you feel upset, you get me. You can call me, text, email, call Ben or Will, I don’t care. No matter how small it may seem, you contact me when you feel bad and I’ll be here to help you as soon as I can.”

“Mike, it’s fine. I can handle most things by myself. This was an exception. I know you’re busy with-”

“I’m saying you don’t have to handle it by yourself unless you really want to, unless you really want to be by yourself for a while. I will respect your decision. Just know that no matter how busy we are, I’ll always be here for you. “

He placed a kiss on your forehead. “You will always come first.”

“I love you a lot, you do know that right?” You tell him.

“And I’d never forget it. I love you too much to let yourself get in the way of your own dreams.” He said.

“We got each other’s back no matter what?” You asked, already knowing the answer.

“No matter what,” He confirmed. “I mean, it’s kind of my job. You know, as your boyfriend and all.” He continued with a cheeky grin on his face.

His gaze shifted to your pile of books. “Now, what do you want to do?”

“I think I’ll just review for a fe-”

“I have popcorn, ice cream, movies, and flowers for you.” He cut you off.

You stared at him, mouth agape. Mike nudged his head towards the door. You snapped your head to that direction, only to see your favorite snacks in their favorite flavors and a bouquet of sunflowers.

He nuzzles his face into your neck. “C’mon, Y/N! Take a break. You need it.”

You giggled at his actions, pulling him away from your neck. “Fine! But help me review afterwards?” You say, putting your hand out for him to shake.

“You got yourself a deal.” Mike said, shaking your hand before pulling you in a kiss.

#mike faist #mike faist imagine #mike faist fic #mike faist x reader #connor murphy #connor murphy imagine #connor murphy fic #connor murphy x reader #dear evan hansen #dear evan hansen imagine #dear even hansen the musical #dear evan hansen fic #deh #deh fic #deh imagine #deh x reader #newsies #newsies the musical

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passportrequired · 4 years

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Gesundheit! Fitness, Weightloss, Wine, Dessert and Clarity in Europe

While we borrowed “gesundheit” to mean good health when someone sneezes, it translates into health and fitness. Speaking of foreign countries and trasnlation, visit this article if you need to Professionally translate a document.

Why am I worried about gesundheit? Well because I barely made it to London, England on April 17th, before I had to jump on a plane to Vienna, Austria. Day one in Vienna I found myself in the gym at the Le Meridien dancing with my eyes closed to Tony Braxton and Loon’s “Hit the Freeway”. I had just finished weights and a bunch of other exercises and dancing was my reward to self for working out while on vacation in Europe. What was I thinking? I should be drunk off cheap wine or gin spritzers and stuffing my face with schnitzel!

Instead… Ich habe mich auf Reisen der Gesundheit verschrieben. (I was committed to health while traveling.)

When I missed my flight to London, I thought for sure my vacation started and stopped in that one moment. It was 4,000USD to change my premium economy ticket! That didn’t even include the change fee, smh.

I had carefully planned everything. I knew exactly what snacks I was bringing for Curry puppy and I packed all his food and snacks two days in advance and placed in the back of the X5. I checked with my nephew to see if the Trader Joe’s is still in West Hartford, Connecticut so I could buy his extras and I crossed him off my list. I was headed to CT so I can leave Curry while I chased clarity in Europe.

I woke up super early and packed my suitcase, Curry’s toys and bed in the car. As soon as I was about to leave, I let him outside to pee and he ran off to Charles’ house. Okay, I can dig. At 4am I didn’t want him running over to Trenton Place to Higgins’s house (his bestie), so him running next door was cool. Curry puppy was always trying to run off somewhere, it’s his little game he likes to play with mommy. A dangerous one at 4am. I got him back. Packed him in the car and I checked off him, my luggage, water, healthy bars for me to eat on the ride so I wouldn’t stop on the New Jersey Turnpike and buy junk. Check! Check! Check! It was the perfect pack.

I drove 6 hours to my sister’s house. I gallivant for a few days. Played electronic UNO with the kids ‘til late at night. Even decided since I had time on my hands I might as well get my hair done. Check!

Now, it’s super hard not to eat unhealthy at my sister’s house. Real Jamaican food being cooked here. Curry chicken. Rice and peas. Oxtail. Jeez. I feel like I’m in Jamaica for the first leg of my trip. Just pure yummy Michelle food. Resistance is low in Bloomfield, Connecticut. I went to Trader Joe’s and bought 4 cases of water to counteract any craziness. Check! It’s important to know I don’t practice deprivation. I eat. Weight loss happens regardless. Mainly because when I’m home I’m strict. I’m on vacation. Live a little. Check!

I was so relaxed. Then comes departure day. Or night. It was dark out. I woke up at 2am. Exhausted I just went to bed at 1am. Why won’t I sleep? Ugh. I woke my nephew up. We had to drive to JFK for my 7:55am flight. But as soon as I got up to leave, I knew. I knew I had forgotten my passport at my home in the safe, 6 hours away in DC. I looked at the time and I looked at my nephew and I wanted to cry. I had the whole weekend. I could have driven to DC and back, or even had my passport FedExed. Man, oh man. Alright. No point fussing. Let’s figure this out. How? Passport is required. I was screwed.

British airways didn’t open until 7am!!! Wtf. I’m definitely panicking now. Okay. Okay. Doesn’t matter. Life goes on. Two days of stress eating crap, I was sure I put back the 10lbs I had lost at my weigh-in at the weight loss center. All day and I barely drank any of the water I bought. I finally sorted it out and I got on a plane two days later and made a commitment to get my shit together. My weight loss shit together that is.

The point of the back story is nothing ever goes as planned. Life happens. You have to be prepared. I actually thought that in October when I jumped on this weight loss journey that being conscious of my emotional eating and my triggers would always make me prepared. Stress eating? No problem. I had it under control is what I thought to myself. I keep watching the weight drop because I was focused. First it was only diet and mind games for 3 months with light walking. Me and my trainer agreed to delay starting so I could ease my body of some of the weight so I am not discouraged by the workouts. I already hate the gym.

The idea was, if I felt too much pain then I would associate it with the gym and get discouraged, or plain whole STOP. Like I had done in the past. I was playing so much psychological mind games with myself. Shit I didn’t even need to do that when I was eating the food that put the weight on in the first place. Crazy, right? But clearly forgetting my passport and dealing with that stress and being in a trigger environment in Connecticut was too much to handle and I realized we are never fully prepared. It’s what we do next that matters. I was stressed because I needed this vacation – this thought trip. My soul yearned for it. And I had carefully and thoughtfully planned it. I had to go.

It was a photo from my family reunion that encouraged me to get moving. I’ve never battled too much with self-esteem so I never once looked in the mirror and saw an ugly face, but I definitely wrestled with what fat I would cut off and, where, if I could just take a knife and do it. I took one look at me in that pink dress in that photo and I realized that night I had to put on flip flops because my ankles were swollen from the 6-hour drive to Connecticut from DC. I also looked at the dress and my belly filled out so much of it I couldn’t wait around to have that heart attack most black people have in their 50s. While my face looked super young and people think I’m anywhere between 28 and 35, I was turning 43 that coming January and I needed to finally make a change.

In October 2018, I became super focused and I went to a weight loss center and lost 30lbs quickly. My joints felt good. I went to the trainer and we decided on one day a week. It seems like nothing but it has been so effective. I started to build a relationship with fitness that I hadn’t have in a long time. We are now at two to three days a week.

Bill Walker at Balance Gym in DC and I do weight training with kettle bells and resistance weights. He is the best trainer I’ve ever had. And I’ve had several. Sometimes I get through the time and I’m like that’s it? And he’s like well done. Now don’t get me wrong, Bill makes me feel like I’m going to die with every workout lol. But I say “that’s it” because for the first time I’m actually enjoying my workouts. I want to show up. I can only attribute that to Bill and his style of training. Never the seller, more focused on my care and my outcome. I have a left knee injury, a back injury and carpal tunnel in my left hand along with a strained right ankle from surgery. But Bill is so knowledgeable in joint and muscle pain that we would shift the workouts depending on what ailment I was having. It was a no brainer when I decided to sign up for a full 6 months of training.

I found my way out of Connecticut on an American Airlines flight and my first stop was London. I got to Heathrow late. I ate something light when I got to Misha’s. I slept the next day. Sleep is so important when you’re trying to lose weight and I don’t get enough of it so when I can, I do. I am naturally an insomniac. My thoughts and ideas flow better at night. This is either true or we insomniacs think so and have fully convinced ourselves of it :-).

I ate one boiled egg and a toast and salami for breakfast. The salami wasn’t the best option but I drank lots of water. Have to keep my ankles skinny especially after flying. My ankles always swell. Ugh. I watched a movie. Lounged and took another nap. Apparently, I was exhausted. So much drama with the airline and flight. I finally got up put on my gym clothes and decided to walk the streets of London and people watch. This is how I get my exercise when there is no gym. Getting my steps in. I actually love that about UK and Europe. Walking is so easy. And people are funny to watch. The pubs were already packed. It was a holiday weekend and they started early on that pint of Guinness.

The thing is, vacations and weight loss are not synonymous because we want to cheat. We have garnered this idea that being on vacation means we have to binge eat and stuff our faces with the worse foods. My goal was to taste everything. But I wasn’t planning on being stuffed. If I was stuffed, I couldn’t walk and I couldn’t people watch. What’s the point of being on vacation in a food coma? I actually like to see and explore the places I visit.

I made soup and festival for dinner and had a beer. I drank more water. The next day I was on a plane to Vienna. After getting sick on schnitzel I knew I had to be careful with foods in Vienna. Everything seems fried or processed into sausages. So, I made sure there was a salad or something light at every restaurant we dined, so I can have a healthy option. I drank plenty of water. I never shy away from desserts or alcohol but I’m not naturally a dessert eater so I don’t always indulge. But alcohol – definitely. Wine was cheap in Vienna and though not as cheap, gin spritzers were a “thing” and very delicious.

I told myself I had to work out at least once in every city I traveled to. With Misha, I was going to walk more than the average person anyway. We did over 12,000 steps a day. But I craved my Bill exercises. I went into the basement of the Le Meridien and was elated when I saw kettle bells. Great gym. I had my Bose headphones and I blasted some hip hop and rap and got to it. After my Bill reps I stretched. I was amped. Feeling good about myself I put on some hip hop and danced my ass off. I danced for another 20 minutes. I drank more and more water. In case you haven’t noticed, besides alcohol, I only drink water.

Misha and I walked so much I could hear the weight say, “I give up” and got off the next train stop before I could. We rode the train and walked everywhere. We went to Schöenbrunn Palace and got lost in the maze and even took unforbidden photos inside the palace. We visited the Jewish Museum and saw some amazing exhibits including that of Arik Brauer. We saw a horse show at the Spanische Hofreitschule Riding School and watched an opera, which left me singing “Nichola” the whole night. It was the only word I could remember since the language eludes me. We ate Art on a plate at the Pramerl and the Wolf in Roseau, Vienna. We took photos by the Hofberg Imperial Palace and we ate dinner at one of Vienna’s oldest restaurants. We had wine and downed calamari and mussels at Naschmarkt. We ate street food in Vienna City Centre. We did so much I can barely remember most of it. Like I said, I was with Misha and we did 12000 steps or more a day.

Misha went back to London and I went off to St. Julian, Malta. The first day was chill. Lazy and lounge. Malta was a breath of fresh air. Beautiful. View outside my balcony was to die for. I could retire here. The Mediterranean Sea looked amazing. Day two was sightseeing and walking. I ate whatever I wanted. No gym. And water was scarce. The water was not drinkable so restaurants don’t offer it up unless you buy. And I hadn’t noticed they didn’t bring any cause me and Kerina were drinking wine and beer. Malta was scenic. I ate rabbit (tastes like chicken), and we sat at the top overlook at City Lounge in Valetta and ate and drank and laughed.

Amsterdam was my reboot. First day we found a treasure right next to the hotel called Dragons Delight. Oat milk latte and avocado toast with scrambled eggs. This is too easy, I thought. Kerina worked out with me first day in the hotel gym, and we walked around Rembrandt Square that night checking out food, nightlife and coffee shops.

My fake henna tattoo from Malta got five Moroccan boys’ attention and I stopped so they could read the Arik Brauer quote I picked up at the Jewish Museum in Vienna. “There was never a manifesto, it simply” just “happened”. I added just to put my own spin on it. We chatted them up for a little bit. I exchanged numbers with one of them and carried on. He thought I was 24. The next day we did 17700 steps walking from our hotel in the Pijp to Museum quarter and Vondelpark. Once Kerina left I made sure I ate well and kept moving.

While I explored Amsterdam some more, I couldn’t give up my oat milk latte. I went to dragons delight daily. Partly because they serve breakfast all day. Yum! Jade, Luca and Jasom are super sweet. Jasom was always checking what else I needed. Jade and I chatted about her bulldog pups back in England, while I went on about missing Curry puppy. But Luca told me they made sure the freshest ingredients were on hand and had monthly specials. This month, I was lucky it was the smashed spicy avocado toast with scrambled eggs. Good healthy food, good hot drinks with non-lactose options like oat milk and good people. I couldn’t have asked for nothing more in the Pijp. Except on King’s day, I watched the orange clothes roll by on boats. I didn’t get caught up in the crowd, but I enjoyed the scenery.

Malaga, Spain was the final leg of my trip and I got there late. This city was mine to enjoy alone. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. The next morning, I hit the streets and committed to a Misha day filled with at least 12000 steps and more if I could. I was going to forego public transportation and use my Chevy two (feet). It was the home of Pablo Picasso. The history of the Moors. Food and wine were cheap. Museums were free. I was determined to see it all. My clothes felt looser and I knew my weight shifted for the better.

Weight loss is at the forefront, but it wasn’t going to trap me either. Not every person over weight eats unhealthily. My cholesterol levels are great. I started clean eating after doing an amazing program with Emmanuel Galland in NYC. Clean eating means my meals are generally wholesome. Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s have been my rock! My problem was always over indulging and emotionally eating, never eating crappy foods like fast foods or greasy foods.

But with any weight loss program, you have to be ready, and it has to be internal. It’s a quest that must be accomplished by you, and you alone can make it happen. What I’ve learned so far and still learning is that consistency is key. Staying on course no matter how discouraged and feeling defeated or giving up is not an option. Those feelings are crap. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Stay on course. Nothing is easy. Keep at it and DO NOT look purely to others for support. While there are resources out there, they are not for everyone; therefore, encouragement has to come from within. Be your own cheerleader. And celebrate every win. Even if it’s small. I celebrated a big (30lb loss) with a trip to London.

I drank plenty of water in Malaga. The perks of being a Marriott Elite member, whatever you ask for you get. They were nice enough to give me more than the 2 bottles per day and so I told them to keep it coming.

I flew from Malaga back to Gatwick and then head to Heathrow where I would stay one night at the Marriott Moxy. Small, efficient and totally eclectic this hotel was noisy. I actually booked it to relax from my trip. However, I walked past a food truck and into the hotel, which had a red carpet laid out and girls dressed skimpily, handing me champagne. Where was I? After checking in at the bar (yes, the bar), I went upstairs, showered, changed and came back down to party. Who needs rest? I danced and chatted all night with a lady from Holland. We listened to a live band with steel drums, watched calypso dancers gyrate hips with practically no clothes on, took photos with a snake, drank free alcohol and ate free food. I was exhausted and hoped I wouldn’t miss my flight back to New York, but getting my exercise through dancing was fun.

When I got back from Europe, I had lost more weight. I had found my clarity while drinking wine and eating dessert, yet still managed to work out and lose weight. I call that success! I’m not encouraging anyone who is trying to lose weight to eat dessert because if it is a trigger then you have to be careful. However, I encourage consciousness, plenty of water, sleep when you can or just rest, walking everywhere, stop often if that’s what you have to do to reboot and hit the gym if your hotel has one, and if you can. Even if it’s just 15-20 minutes of weight training or on the treadmill or bike. Bike if you’re in Amsterdam. And it is a vacation, so enjoy it. I never forego any alcohol. I had wine, whiskey and beer. Food sizes are naturally smaller in Europe anyway so for an American traveler, I was already eating less.

I’ll let you in on a little secret, Vienna was the first time I worked out alone in a gym without Bill. It was quite an accomplishment. It’s definitely a “win” to celebrate and I am very proud of the relationship I have been building with fitness. I celebrated this big win by dancing for 20 minutes (big smiles). I start yoga again very soon. Who knows, my next PR article might be a yoga retreat in Bali.

Whether you’re touring Europe or staying at home and trying to lose weight. Don’t let it define you. Carve out how you plan to do it. Take charge and go for it. Don’t be discouraged by any setbacks. Life isn’t perfect. No such thing. Don’t forget to live your best life. Always. And if you’re an insomniac like me – drink lots of water. Oh, by the way, if in one night you down a whole bottle of wine in Malaga, Spain because you thought it was so cheap, drink more water. And make sure your next trip requires passport. I always do. It’s how I get my clarity. Besides, it’s less fun if you go domestic 😊.

Travel often. Travel well. Until next time – Gesundheit!

Gesundheit! Fitness, Weightloss, Wine, Dessert and Clarity in Europe was originally published on Passport Required

#African American Travel #Black Travelers #Black Women Travel #darnell Lamont walker #Europe #european vacation #Gym #Healthy Traveling #I'm Black and I Travel #London #Marceen A. Burgher #PassportRequired #solo travel #Travel Advice #Travel Writer #Traveling with friends #Weight Loss #Tumblr Travel Photography #TumblrTravel

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krissewrites · 7 years

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À Triomphe - BTS AU

AU: Art Thief!Bangtan

Description: You are a curator at one of the many museums in Paris, and have finally earned the bosses trust. But after a strange meeting with a new coworker and his friends, you begin receiving messages from an unknown party.

Part: Five / Four / Three / Two / One

Warnings: Swearing, Suggestive situations, SMALL Harassment scene, Violence.

IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO READ THE HARASSMENT SCENE, PLEASE WATCH OUT FOR THE TRIPLE ASTERISKS (***)

Your eyes rolled involuntarily as your head fell limp. The restraints on your wrist seemed to grow tighter.

“She doesn’t look fine, Tae.”

Jeongguk came close, his feet carrying the weight of a thousand different personalities it seemed, lifting your chin back up to see you losing consciousness once more.

“My poor baby,” you heard him mutter.

Jersey knit sheets clung to you as you turned over onto your side. The smell of breakfast filled the room as you opened your eyes. Gently, you raised yourself off the small pillow smushed against you and the wall to sit upright on the small bed. You immediately pressed your palm against the back of your head, regretting it immediately as you winced in immense pain. You felt around for a small moment, feeling gauze underneath a headband you did not have on earlier.

In fact, everything you wore was not anything you’d ever worn, much less seen in your wardrobe. An oversized Slayer t-shirt hugged your shoulders and nothing else as it flowed over your body, meeting a pair of snug pajama pants, although longer than you usually wore.

You stood slowly, taking tiny steps as a wash of dizziness drowned you. The room spun, and it wasn’t the room you came to call home.

“Woah, take it easy, kid.” A voice chimed in. It was soft and soothing, and comforting; everything you needed in this moment.

You looked up, seeing a familiar face. “Jimin?” Your voice was husky and cracked at the smallest of sounds. You tripped over yourself, falling forward.

He rushed, catching you immediately as he lifted you back to your feet by your elbows. “God, he did a number on you, didn’t he?” You nodded, unsure of what you were even agreeing to. The man walked you backward, gently sitting you on the bed once more. “You can see right, can’t you?”

Jimin brushed his hand against your forehead, checking for a temperature. “You’re not burning up,”

As he continued to examine you, you could do nothing but sit in wonder. How could he be here? And where was here? Why did I hear you at the museum? What’s going on?

He stopped checking your pupils when he had realized how long you had been staring. “I know, I’m handsome,” he giggled to himself; it was like a child.

How could someone with such a cute side appear so stone cold? You shook your head, trying to change your train of thought to more helpful thoughts; Why am I here? Where is here? How did I get here?

Jimin quickly stopped you, however, placing his hands on either side of your head to bring you to a halt. He calmly petted your hair, rubbing your temples with his thumbs. “You shouldn’t do that, sweetheart, we don’t know exactly what Jeongguk did to you…” His voice trailed off, a thick accent coming through as he expressed his worries.

Jimin stood suddenly, hastily walking to the bedroom window across the room to open it. “Maybe some fresh air will help you, you think?” A cute voice came from him, almost as if he didn’t want to frighten you.

He looked over his shoulder, his hands still locking the window in place. He smirked, removing his hands and rolling up the sleeves of his white shirt.

You stared, contemplating the series of events leading to this moment. But instead of an internal monolog, your voice shone through on accident, “Where am I?”

Jimin laughed, walking back to the bed to sit beside you, crossing his legs as he faced you. “You’re somewhere safe, I promise,” he said softly. You swore you heard him mutter under his breath, “as long as your with me.”

You groaned, wincing as the loud noise you made brought on a terrible migraine. “But where is this? Why am I here?”

Jimin sighed, apprehensive to answer. “You’re with me and a few other guys, some you’ve come to know, and some you haven’t met.” He hummed. He threw his head back, groaning as he thought of what to say next. His head rolled down, cocked to the side as she pouted his lips, gazing at the bedspread in a lost train of thought. “We do things… bad things, and you caught us.” A hint of regret lingered in his voice.

“And one boy got carried away, and hurt you. But he didn’t mean it, no matter what he says,” Jimin reached for your hand, trying to distract himself from the words he was about to say. He began to mindlessly play with your fingers. “But even though you were hurt, our boss said you can’t leave,” he sighed. “And no matter how much I want to drag you from this room and get you help, I’d get killed.”

Jimin stared longingly, almost beggingly. His eyes screamed for help as they moved side to side, searching for something. “Please don’t be mad,” he whispered, his eyes falling back onto your hands.

You stared at him. He looked pathetic sitting in front of you, his oversized shirt falling off his shoulder, his sleeves which he had rolled up fitting loosely around his palms once more. His jeans, in comparison, clung tightly to him and laid over a pair of black fuzzy socks. He looks innocent, and loving; completely opposite of the look he had when you saw him with Jin.

Jin, you thought. Jin will get me out of here.

You quickly stood to your feet, once more hitting a dizzy spell as you Jimin grasped your arm. “You shouldn’t be moving, (Y/N),”

“Jin,” you cooed. “Where’s Jin?” You turned to Jimin, almost getting whiplash. Your eyes begged, hoping, praying that Jin could get you out of here and back home.

Jimin scowled behind dumbfounded façade. “I don’t know where Jin is,” He seemed to want to protect you from something.

You growled, “I know he’s here.” Jimin flinched at your sudden tone of voice, his face contorting as he complied with your order. He held your hand tightly, slowly leading you out of the small bedroom.

The place you had been hiding away in wasn’t shabby. It wasn’t small, it wasn’t disgusting or rat infested like most hideaways are depicted as. It was a normal house, with a kitchen, and a loft, and a living room; it was the perfect disguise.

Jimin stopped in the doorway of the kitchen, placing his hand on the small of your back as he gently pushed you forward, pointing at a man hovering over a counter. “There he is.”

You took a step forward, only to be tugged back by a remorseful Jimin. “(Y/N), please listen to me,” You tugged your hand from him, looking at him from over your shoulder before continuing towards Jin.

You successful snuck up behind Jin, timidly holding your hand out, shy to touch his bare back. He stood, shirtless, marinating some meat mindfully. His hands kneaded the sauce into the shredded poultry. “Jin?”

You small hands pressed against his shoulder. Jin quickly turned around, frowning as he stared at you. “Oh, it’s you,” he spoke. A taste of bitterness rolled off his tongue as the words left his mouth. You furrowed your brows, staring as he ignored you and went back to his food. “Hey, Jin,” you continued.

Jin grew impatient quickly. He turned, snapping his body to face you. He bore a small knife. “What do you want?” He said, his eyes darting as he looked down at you. All breath exited your body as you stepped back, falling against a sliding door pantry as you searched for something to hold onto. Your wound started to pulse again. “Can you not see I’m busy, princess?”

Jin was now inches from you, his body towering over you as he stuck the knife in his pants pocket. His chest rose and fall rhythmically. You swallowed the lump forming in your throat. “I’m sorry,” you mewled.

Jin nodded, gently pushing your cheek to the side with his index finger as he turned around. “Take her back to bed, Jimin.”

Jimin hastily moved towards you, dodging the edges of the counter as he pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around your waist as he pulled you slowly back to the bedroom you were once hidden in.

He slammed the door behind you. “Do you not listen? I told you, don’t—“

Jimin stopped in his scolding as he heard you whimper, staring as you doubled over, holding your knees to your face. You shook slightly.

“(Y/N)?” He called. Jimin stood in the door frame, staring at you whimpering against the wall. His heart yearned to tell you everything would be okay.

“I want to go home,” you whispered. Hiccups interrupted your calls for your roommate, for your mom, for anyone. Jimin quickly moved towards you kneeling on the bed as he pulled you into his chest, holding you against him. His hands brushed up and down your back, mindful not to graze over your wound.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N).” He murmured. “I’ll protect you…”

You and Jimin had fallen asleep in the position you were in; you, cuddled against him with your head buried in his chest, your arms wrapped around his torso. Jimin, pressed against the wall with his legs sprawled across the bed, his hand on the small of your back. But it wasn’t how you had woken up.

Your head was pressed against a pillow, your legs laying across the lap of someone. You rose your head, leaning on your elbow as your vision came into focus. Jin sat at the end of the bed, his legs crossed with yours over them, elbows gently placed on his knees as he focused on a remote controlled game.

You pulled your legs off of him, bringing him to your attention as you crossed your legs. “Look who’s awake.” You rubbed your eyes, a sense of fear washing over you as everything flooded back to you once more.

“Ah… good morning…” you whispered, hoping he won’t hear you. “Well, technically, it’s night. But because you might have a concussion, I’ll let this slide.” Jin smiled.

He watched, waiting for your reaction; waiting for a cute smile, a shy laugh or a muted snicker, none of which came. His smile faded, “what’s wrong?”

He put his controller down and turned to you, holding your chin with his thumb and index finger, forcing you to look at him. “You’re not afraid of what I did, are you?” Jin took your silence as his answer. He sneered, grinning. “That’s not who I am, I promise. I just get really into cooking.”

His excuse made no sense, and you knew this. No one responds like that, and the people that do are maniacs. You sat forced to stare him in the eyes as he waited for you to say “I’m not scared.” It would’ve been a lie.

“Oh come on,” he growled, pushing your face away from his, a pop coming from your neck. You gasped at the sudden pain. “I would never hurt you.” Jin snickered, thinking to himself. “Not unintentionally, no…”

You could see the cogs twisting and turning behind his image. Every dirty thought, every wicked picture he had painted of you in his head; it was all disgusting. You tried to cut yourself from the picture. “W-where’s Jimin? I wanted to ask him abou—“

*** WARNING

As you began to stand, Jin quickly grasped at your wrist, pulling you back down onto the bed; he forcefully pinned you against the mattress. Your head pulsed, a rush of blood traveling towards the reopened wound. Jin laughed to himself, straddling you as his pinned down your wrists with one hand, his free hand brushing through your hair. “Ah, my princess,” he beckoned. “We’re going to have fun, just like I promised,”

You screamed, hoping anyone could hear you before Jin quickly covered your mouth, frowning. “You don’t want to play my game, baby? I’ll even let you win,” A devilish smile trickled across his lips as he leaned in, hovering over your neck. He laughed to himself as you squirmed.

*** WARNING

“What the fuck?” A young man barged through the door, rushing to Jin as he pulled him off of you, fighting Jin’s kicks. “Fucking go!” He screamed at you as Jin became relentless, dragging the man to the floor. You quickly gained on your feet, rushing across the room. As you came to the door frame, Jimin and Jeongguk stood, watching in agony. “Hoseok, let him go for fuck's sake!” Jeongguk berated.

Jin had become merciless as he pounded Hoseok, who had quickly given up, against the wall. “What the fuck do you think you're doing? Walking into my god damned room? I ought to fucking wring your neck,”

His relentless taunting sent shivers down your spine as he held Hoseok up by the collar of his sweater. Hoseok, who looked over at you, knowingly. He had put himself in harm's way, taking Jin’s attention from you to him, in a matter of seconds. You didn’t know what frightened you more; Jin’s temper, or Hoseok’s selflessness.

Jin roughly dropped hoseok, panting as his shoulders rose and fall in an attempt to catch his breath. Jimin wrapped his arms around you, pushing your head into his neck as to save you from the scene. “Jin, what the fuck were you thinking? What the fuck happened?” Jeongguk barked.

Jin pushed Jeongguk to the side, walking past quickly, taking only a moment to stare daggers at you as he turned the corner.

Jeongguk helped Hoseok to his feet, holding him by the waist, his arm wrapped around Jeongguk’s shoulder. Jin had obviously done some damage in his fit of anger. You feared what the guy who gave Jin’s wounds yesterday looked like.

Jimin pulled away from you, his hands holding you up as you clung to him desperately. Sympathy oozed from him as with only one look, he quickly took you back. Hoseok limped down the hall before slamming a door to, what you assumed, was his bedroom.

Jeongguk sighed, “I knew you’d be trouble,” he berated. “You’ll stay with Taehyung and Jimin,”

Jimin, without letting go of you, turned his head to watch Jeongguk walk away. “Why can’t she room with you? I can’t fight Jin off!”

“Not my problem, shortie.”

Jimin growled in your ear, only to sigh as he felt you tense up. “You poor thing,” he murmured. He quickly walked you to his room.

Jimin opened the door with his leg as he carried you. You had already grown weary, and Jin reopening the wound on the back of your head was no help. Jimin bent over, laying you on his bed as he stood back up, stretching his back and letting out a sigh. He began to rub the back of his neck. “You shouldn’t be here,” he began to mutter to himself.

You had been drifting in and out of consciousness, staring at him as he paced across the room. He seemed to be planning something. “I can’t, I can’t, I just can—“

“Jimin?” You muttered.

Jimin quickly ignored his own internal monolog and looked over at you, limp and bleeding onto his covers. “Ah, shit,” he gasped. He quickly knelt beside you gently turning your head so he could see the wound. You had bled through the headband gifted to you, and the gauze and hair beneath were no pretty sight either.

“I’m not gonna stand for this,” Jimin said softly, removing your bandage attentively. He hated every flinch you made. He grew guiltier with everyone.

“I’ll get you to a doctor, I promise. Even if it kills me.”

Your eyelids fell heavy as you watched him care for you. He seemed like an angel.

But no angels would’ve let me be here in the first place, you thought.

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