#mentally? I feel like I've barely aged since college

[t-a-c]

the Touhou fandom won't stop creating new memes. TF2 is one of the most active games on Steam. Scott Pilgrim is one of the big trending things. people can't get enough of the cute guitar girl anime 2009 is eternal

#shitpost #tack rambles #mentally? I feel like I've barely aged since college #physically? (crick)

[tarjapearce]

soccer family Miguel meeting wife’s family for the first time and vice versa?

Oh dear. What a bumpy ride. 🙃

Bit of angst in the end. (Will do her meeting his family later, don't worry ~)

Pt 2 here

Teeth pulled at the inner soft skin on your lips, chewing and biting away the waves of raw anxiety that washed over you.

"Stop that. You'll hurt yourself."

Miguel mumbled as he drove to your family's home. It was an unsettling surprise for you to know that your family wanted to meet him. But what truly surprised you was the fact that they knew.

Ever since you moved out from your family's home at 18, many things stopped happening. Fights, verbal and emotional abuse that went both ways, the constant comparison to your other same age family members and you, and of course, you being pushed around and invalidated.

College was a different kind of freedom for you. And the start of a new life without them. You barely visited them, even skipped the most important holidays to be away from them. In a way, it was thanks to that that you met Jessica. She had been a wonderful support on your life.

"I know... just-"

His large hand covered yours to then give a kiss on the back of your palm

"You'll be fine. And if you don't feel comfortable enough, we can go."

"I'm uncomfortable already and we haven't even arrived yet."

"They can't be that bad"

You deadpanned and sighed.

"Corazón, look. I know family's difficult. I really do, but a couple of hours won't kill you. It's a good chance to prove them wrong."

"I've got nothing to prove them, Miguel."

"Right. Still, won't be a bad idea for them to see you doing fine. Talvez asi se callan el hocico y te dejan en paz" (Maybe that way they'll shut the fuck up and leave you alone)

You giggled at his words.

In truth was that you told him everything, it was sort of sad yet amusing that you bonded over trauma sharing. It was a mutual catharsis that somehow ended up strengthening your relationship. He didn't know them, but for the things you had shared with him, he knew he'd be curt and polite.

You'd warn him about their modus operandi. They'd present themselves as kind and welcoming, but bit by bit the snide and passive aggressive remarks and comments would show up. You had hope that after years of barely visiting they'd change.

Something you were about to find out as he parked outside the colonial looking home.

"No matter what, stay away from the Horchata. My auntie thinks she is good at it but... it's yuck."

He chuckled and soon, you'd get out the car. Miguel rubbed your shoulders soothingly in an attempt to ease your restless nerves.

----

"Buenas gente" (Hey, People)

One of your elder aunts, the only one you truly liked and always supported you back in college came to greet you with a loving hug, "Mija!"

"Hola tía" (Hey auntie)

You hugged her back and mumbled a quick 'I missed you' before letting Miguel come into view.

"Tía, This is Miguel. My boyfriend."

Auntie gasped at the sheer size of him but gave him a gentle smile.

"Nice to meet you, mijo."

"El gusto es mío, madrecita" (The pleasure is mine)

"Oh! He speaks Spanish!"

The two shared a brief laugh as auntie invited you further. With a hand Miguel held a small present, a bottle of your dad's favorite rum and bunch of roses for your mother. and the other one he held your hand.

It seemed like a regular carneada for him, except that this time there wasn't meats to roast, but soup. Your mom's special seafood soup that was only done in special occasions. You could tell it would be difficult to leave emotionally unscathed when your mom and dad, three aunties, two cousins, and your brother were there.

Upon you making an appearance before all of them, the world stopped for a second, your breath was caught in your throat as you mentally prepared for the game of pretense.

"Mi niña! Come here!"

Your dad followed by your brother made the first ones in making an approach. The size difference sure was shocking for them all. Your father and brother had to crane his head up to see Miguel.

"¿Qué tal? Un gusto conocerte." (How's it going? Nice to meet you)

Miguel shook his hand with him firmly, something your dad approved. And then Miguel handed the packaged rum to him.

He had explained how you'd told him about his favorite drink. Your dad invited you and introduced Miguel to the whole family.

Some of your cousins oggled him shamelessly. Earning a frown from you.

However the biggest challenge laid ahead. Your mother had been watching both from afar, tending to the food with some of your aunties.

And when it was her time to be greeted, you held tighter on his hand. His thumb rubbing on your skin, reassuring.

You'll be fine.

"Mamá" You mumbled and her so ever deep stare settled on Miguel. Not even in you first, but Miguel.

"Fo you, Ma'am" Miguel gave her the roses which she took with a strained smile.

"Thank you very much. Miguel was it, right?"

"Así es." (Correct)

"Are you hungry? Made your favorite soup."

Her stalking gaze shifted between Miguel and you.

"Thanks. A bit would be nice."

"Hm. Go sit, Miguel. We'll tend to this."

Her gaze returned to the food and you nodded at him. He wasn't comfortable with the idea to just sit and watch. But by the things you had told him, it was better to not create unnecessary drama for you.

-----

Everyone seemed at the expectance of something happening between you and your mother. Your brother was trying to make casual conversation with Miguel, but his curt and simple answers made him desist. Plus, it didn't help his mahogany eyes seemed lighter.

If they were nervous about him looking so big with deep red eyes, they'd surely freak out by his fangs. It instantly made your stomach churn, you knew Miguel didn't appreciate people pointing at his insecurities so brazenly, even worse without knowing him.

Everyone sat down, a little blessing before anything and soon the feast begun.

Of course, eyes were settled on both of you and your interactions. Miguel followed your instructions to then help you break the crab.

One of your aunties smiled at it.

"So, Miguel, where do you work?"

Here we go

"Lab Manager at Alchemax."

Your brother whistled and nodded approvingly, just like your father.

Your relationships with him sure was strained, but at least he seemed to have a bit more self criterion than the rest when it came to pick sides. You'd rather him neutral. Just like your dad.

"Wow, you surely outdid yourself this time, cariño."

That cariño sat sickly fake in your stomach. She was the one that always instigated the fights further when you thought everything would calm down. You didn't smile, just ate.

Miguel was given a beer, a round of collective gasps as he tried to open the beer with his fangs. Your other auntie made a cross sign on herself and your mother's eyes widened.

A custom you still couldn't get out of him.

"Do they hurt?"

"How does one get those? They look so cool!"

"Are they comfortable?"

Your eyes caught the glimpse of him tightening his grip on the spoon.

"Ya pues!" (Knock it off!)

"There is no need to yell"

Silence immediately came to the table as your gaze and your mother's clashed.

"Disculpa eso, Miguel." (Im sorry for that, Miguel)

your dad shook his head at your cousins.

"Do you plan on having kids?"

You couldn't help but hide your face in your palm.

"Mamá, stop."

"What? I just wanna know! You're getting old enough to have kids. And Emanuel is always asking about you."

"We haven't discussed it yet." Miguel cleaned his hands with lemon, rinsing away the fishy smell out of his fingers. The coldness in his voice only matched your mom's icy stare.

"Oh."

"But do you want to have kids, Miguel?"

"Dios mío, ma! Ya basta." (My god, Mom! Enough.)

"Why are you so mad over a question?"

Miguel's jaw clenched. It made sense for him why you didn't visit. The way you rolled your eyes, made the ones that had finished already to stand up and leave. Their cue to leave things unfold.

Your elder auntie seized your mom with a glare. Your dad only recoiled to himself and your brother sighed.

"Ma, eso no se pregunta." The only attempt of him to calm the boiling tension between the two. (Mom, you don't ask such things)

Miguel gave you a 'do you wanna go now' stare. And you shook your head. Leaving would only make things worse. But you found the perfect excuse to leave the table.

"Need help, mi amor?"

"Sure."

He was perceptive to pick up your cues, the both cleared up the table and took the dishes to the sink.

---

"I'm so sorry you had to put up with it." You mumbled as you washed and he dried. The kitchen felt tiny for him.

"S'fine."

"Are you mad?"

"A bit uncomfortable. But no, not mad."

"We're leaving after we're done here." a deep sigh escaped your lips, "This is exactly why I don't come here."

"Whose Emanuel?" You groaned and shook your head.

"A man mom thought it was fun to pair me with a long time ago. I never indulged him but he never got the memo ever since I left this place"

"Sounds like he never got over you."

"Yeah, cause mom kept feeding his hopes of me getting with him together."

"Is that why you moved out?"

"One of the reasons, yeah."

You finished the dishes and Miguel excused himself to the bathroom.

He could hear the voices from the other side. One of your aunts surely and your mom.

"I give them a year."

"Did you see his... fangs? I've never seen something like that! And his eyes too!"

"Esta niña... Me va a sacar canas verdes. From all The guys she could pick, she gets one that is twice her size. Why she can't pick up normal guys?" (This girl, will get me green hairs)

Miguel's eyes turned apprehensive as his mouth settled in a straight line.

He had to hunch over the sink to take a look of himself in the mirror. He looked pretty normal, by any standards, until of course, he smiled. Pointy canines bigger than the average people stood out the most. His eyes were a different shade of brown. That was all.

He was fine.

He was normal.

He knew things like this would happen, he expected a bit of trouble. Not this.

His head felt heavy. Sudden spiral thoughts plagued his mind, corrupting the good things he held dear in his mind.

"As long as he's rich, don't care."

"Emanuel's surely richer than him"

That was the final straw. He knew you weren't that type of woman. Hell, you had invited him multiple times, knowing that you'd get broke for a couple of weeks. And still did it anyways. You loved to pamper him.

Why?

His steps guided him back to you. You were stressed and surely would cry at night. But so far you were keeping it together.

Your heart sunk a bit when looking at him. Neither of the both could stand being a second longer in the house. He followed you as you said your goodbyes. You didn't hug none but your elder aunt, and your dad, though the latter got an awkward hug.

You went back home. Neither of you said much during the trip back.

#miguel o'hara #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara x you #atsv miguel #soccer family ⚽🕷️ #t writes✨ #Pre Soccer Family ⚽🕷️

[dotster001]

Hi i don't know, if your requests are still open, if not you can ignore it or do it whenever you want.

Just readed your prompt, when reader suddenly passes out with Vil, Jamil, Floyd and Rook. I was wondering, if you could write something similar for Malleus, Lilia and maybe the teachers Trein and Crewel?

(I'm happy you enjoyed those! And I hope you like these too!)

Part One Part Three

CW:Burnout (obviously), mental breakdown/trauma in Trein's part, spoilers for Vargas training camp in Trein's part, injury in Crewel's part

A/N: I've said this in my pin post, but I age up characters to actual college age, because I am in college, and didn't realize until a few months in the characters were not. Everyone here is. 18+ If it makes you feel more comfortable, imagine this as a grad school situation.

He's been pouting a lot lately. Which for a normal person wouldn't be a problem, but Mal's pouting usually meant that the weather was bad as well. He was pouty, because whenever you had time in your incredibly busy schedule to see him, you still had to be working on your homework. With everything Crowley had you do for the school, you had to share your "dragon time" with your "homework time". But your boyfriend looked very cute pouty, so part of you wasn't too upset about it.

Until the day you were so busy with something that you hadn't eaten or slept in over 24 hours and just…collapsed during dragon/homework time.

Malleus immediately panics. He assumes you have had a heart attack and died (Mal…college students are unlikely to have heart attacks)  Once he finds a pulse, and sees your breathing, he scoops you up and teleports to Lilia faster than he has ever teleported.

He's sobbing as he answers Lilia's questions, not entirely certain that this wasn't something he did. Lilia easily is able to figure out what has happened, and goes to make you some soup for when you wake up. Malleus is too relieved to think about the fact that while Lilia's soup will have loads of protein, it might send you into shock. In the meantime, he puts a cool cloth on your forehead, and caresses your cheek.

After you wake up and barely survive the soup Malleus spoon feeds you he tucks you into his massive comfy bed (you can't tell me he doesn't have the fluffiest comforters) and then…vanishes.

From here on out, everytime you get a task from Crowley, it's already finished by the time you get around to it. It's weird, but it means you have time to keep homework separate from "dragon time". Which makes a certain fae very happy.

Lilia has spent years learning how to care for humans, especially since most of them *cough* Silver *cough cough* Y/N are not good at caring for themselves.  While his recipes are terrible, he is right in some ways about making sure to get all your nutrients. While it can feel a little patronizing sometimes, he is right that you need sleep. While he is a little unorthodox in how he has fun, he's right that you need to have leisure time and do things you enjoy.

What you don't know is that behind the scenes Lilia has already been having regular arguments with a certain Crow about your workload. When two fae fight, it's never good, but you don't have to worry about what's going on.

Azul and the tweels get called back home out of nowhere, and now you're in charge of all the paperwork that he is usually in charge of handling, both for the lounge and for the other Housewarden's. Lilia sees less and less of his sweet human, and he's suspicious part of it is because you are avoiding him, knowing full well he would make you take a break.

He has to admit, your avoiding skills are actually pretty good. So he's not actually there when you collapse. And he's furious. Especially when he finds out that Crowley also decided to add his own paperwork to your ever growing pile. He only knows you collapsed when he hears some randos gossiping about how "the prefect collapsed running laps today, and the idiot duo had to walk them to the infirmary." He's immediately flying to the infirmary, powered by his pure rage.

He knows it's not your fault, especially since you have nothing to your name in this world, so it's easy to manipulate you into this position. So he does his best not to take his anger out on you as he watches you sip apple juice that the nurse gave you, while you do your best to keep your eyes open. Once he is certain that the nurse has things under control, he kisses your forehead, and asks you if you want him to bring you anything.

While he's out getting you a treat, he makes a stop at a certain Crow's office. From here on out you don't see a lot of him. You are a little worried that Lilia may have killed him, but everytime you ask him, he giggles and messes up your hair, before telling you how silly that is.

He's harder on you than he is on most of his students, partially so that no one can claim favoritism, partially because you are just so far behind in history (having it not be your history) that he has to give you extra work and lessons to catch you up. But as a trade off, he tries to be a step ahead of Crowley whenever he can. There's little that happens in the school that he's unaware of, so he's usually able to protect you from his foolish boss.

Until you get sent to the training camp with the sports clubs to assist Vargas. He's furious about this last minute decision, that Crowley conveniently forgot to tell him about, and he's even more angry when he later finds out that you were "kidnapped" and then immediately had to fight a creature in the mines. 

Naturally, your mental health is not so great after the trip. He's starting to see it on your face when you both hang out, and even if he didn't, your work for his class is deteriorating, if you even turn it in at all. 

Then you break down one day when he asks you about it. He can't understand a word you're saying as you sob and yell and shake. But he's pretty sure he has the idea. You've been pushed too far. He sends Lucius to fetch a nurse or counselor , or heck he's sure even Sam would have something to help you relax enough to just breathe. In the meantime, he wraps his arms around you and tries to walk you through breathing exercises, while whispering some praises to you that you can't comprehend in this state, but appreciate all the same.

After someone gives you a potion that helps you relax a little, he leaves you to rest on his office couch with Lucius in charge, and he holds a meeting with the rest of that staff about what's not appropriate to put people through. (Essentially it's Crewel and Trein yelling at Vargas and Crowley about trauma and what their job is supposed to be) 

This never happens again. You continue to have extra work from Trein, but he always ensures he makes time to help you, or give you a soothing tea if he thinks you're starting to drop back into the bad mental state. If you do, he holds you close, and says nothing, while allowing you to spill whatever is plaguing you. 

Prior to him dating you, you had denied his request many times to financially sponsor you. Now that you were together, it was harder to come up with an excuse for him not to. So he'd purchased Ramshackle and renovated it. He'd taken up the expenses for your schooling and food (after much argument  he'd also taken up Grim's) and after several discussions about the future of your relationship, he'd begun helping you through the process of becoming a citizen in a world that had no proof of your existence (a pain and a half, but there was nothing he wouldn't do for his beloved pup). In doing all this, he'd made it very clear to the Headmage that he had no hold over you, and therefore couldn't coerce you into anything.

Divus knew he was a fool for leaving you alone for a week. He had assumed that Crowley had nothing on you anymore, and that he could go help a smaller fashion designer that showed a lot of promise get their career off the ground. At first he was only going to be gone for a week, but it quickly turned into two, then three. He should have recognized the tension in your voice when you'd asked him over the phone when he thought he'd be back. 

When he finally returned, he thought he'd surprise you by showing up where he knew you'd be hanging out with your friends. He'd bought a ring for you that he was particularly pleased with, and he wanted you to have it as soon as possible. His plan was dashed as he watched you collapse into Howl, who immediately started to panic.

With a clear voice Divus took over the scene, picking you up and carrying you to his office where he had all manner of potions. As he pressed one to your lips, he noticed a cast on your arm. He'd ask about it later. 

When you woke up, you wrapped your arms around him, and whispered how much you missed him. He asked what happened, and you tell him how you broke your arm in yet another overblot incudent, and had been working like crazy for Crowley to pay off the medical expenses. 

You've never been scared of your lover. But his eyes were practically glowing with rage, and now you were starting to wonder if you should be scared. Divus does not accept cruelty to animals or humans. And, he keeps his receipts. It's not long before there's a pretty hefty case and Dire is removed as headmage for coercion and endangerment. After that, there aren't any more overblot incidents and the students seem more mentally healthy. How about that?

He decides to wait to give you the ring until you're fully recovered after everything. But he's certain when he asks you the question that comes with it, you'll have an answer he likes. Especially when you nuzzle into him so sweetly while you nap in his office.

....

Tag list-@shytastemakerthing @stygianoir @leonia0 @lleoll

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #malleus x reader #malleus draconia #twst malleus #malleus draconia x reader #malleus #twst lilia #lilia vanrouge x reader #lilia x reader #lilia vanrouge #mozus trein x reader #trein x reader #mozus trein #twst trein #professor trein #twst mozus trein

[justrandomfandomstm]

I have been noticing somethigng for a while and I need people to tell me its something that they have noticed too.

So, Im disabled. Physically and mentally. And this has made me grow up exceptionally fast in the maturing sense. And now that im technically an adult I notice more and more how people are just... not

Like at work people come to ME for info about all things metaphorical, some serious topics like mental health, their own problems and things that usually are reserved for older people. And I don't mind it, I love giving people info and stuff, I love helping them discover themselves and help them in ways I wish someone would have helped me. But it's... strange.

The thing is I'm barely even an adult still, and still feel like a child in so many ways, but I still always seem to be on the outside with them. Since I've been forced to grow up, everyone is going through revelations at 26 I went through at 16.

And its VERY weird to be one of the most mature person there and still be so technically young. Everyone thought I was at least 20 something, not 18. And I don't feel 18. I have never felt my age. I use it as the control of how much dosage of medication I should take, not as my age. And it's not a new thing, I have NEVER felt my age in any way. And it's getting worse.

I graduated and went to college at 17, finished my first uni year at 18 and dropped out. Same year and I'm working to move far away, a place to settle down. I've worked more than some of my coworkers. I'm the little child prodigy that makes them feel useless but I'm NOT. I STILL FEEL LIKE A DISSAPOINTMENT. I FEEL LIKE A 30 Y/O DISSAPOINTMENT. I DONT KNOW WHY

People look at me like I'm crazy or an 'old soul'. I've been called that MY WHOLE LIFE. I don't understand what it means, I don't get stupid youthful foolishness, I dont GET it because I dont feel young or foolish. And its exhausting to feel this way, so out of the world around me, always feeling so out of depth or swimming with toddlers, no in between.

That's why I have struggled with age and time all my life. I can never guess someone's age, I dont remember a single thing about my childgood and I can't name the ages I was at those times. Hell, I still say I'm 17, sometimes 20, or even 16. I dont feel the passage of time, I dont know what age I was when I started school, I dont know the age I broke my bones, started feeling chronic pain, started to grow up, started forgetting all those years.

But I cant SAY ANY OF THIS

BECAUSE PEOPLE TAKE IT SEXUALLY

LIKE 'im mature for my age' is now used for pedophilia and harrasment. But I AM. I AM AND I HATE IT. I AM AND I AM BURDENED TO LIVE LIFE WITHOUT SOME TYPE OF SPIRIT, LOOKING AT THE WORLD AS SOMETHING TO SOLVE AND NOT LIVE. SEEING IT AS BROKEN AS IT IS.

Maybe its because the world is burning down, being part of gen z and growing up in a burning world. And some people my age DO act like I do, but they are usually autistic or disabled and I just... want to know? idk, this was more of a rant. Im just so tired. Ha,

#disabled #disability #chronic pain #chronic migraine #audhd problems #autism #adhd #aroace #rant

[in-sufficientdata]

The worst time in my life was when I was still in the cult and I had 4 little kids ages 6 and under. The church taught me to deal with my mental health issues by prayer, not meds, so I was not treated for my bipolar II and what was probably pretty severe PPD.

I was never diagnosed as having PPD, so I don't really know if it was that or a severe downswing on my bipolar caused by the hormones + my situation, but really, it doesn't matter. It just matters that I was barely hanging on by a thread.

When my 4th child was born, it was in the summer between the two years of my husband attending college for his associate's degree. Since I had to leave work to have the baby he was working as much as he could. I had to take all 4 kids with me grocery shopping and everything else.

One day I was doing my paper route and I could only think about how much I hated everything that was happening to me. I felt incredible despair. I pulled my van up to an intersection and realized a box truck was trying to turn left where I was pulled up.

I put the van in reverse and backed up to make room. I didn't think to look in my rearview. I almost never saw other vehicles on that street, and this was in 4 years of having that paper route. I backed into the car behind me rather abruptly and rather hard.

A woman came out of the car screaming that I was careless and a bad driver. She mentioned having children in her car. She cursed at me. But there was no visible damage, so we got in our vehicles and drove away. I don't remember saying much. I could barely hold myself together.

Reader, if someone could will themselves to die on the spot, I would have died that day. I have never felt such hopelessness and despair. I'm trying to find better words because these seem inadequate. I hated the paper route, I hated that I had so many kids, I hated being poor.

This period of my life is rather blank in my memory. I continued pushing on somehow. I don't know how. Thankfully we eventually got to a place, not long after, where we didn't need that $50 a week I got from that paper route so desperately anymore.

I can only think I have some kind of tenacity I don't even fathom in myself because, and this is no exaggeration, I thought about death and/or suicide on a daily basis from the age of 8 until I was around 35. But this was when it was the very worst.

I made a tweet yesterday that people found amusing about being the mother of 6. It's got way more likes than anything else I've ever posted on Twitter.

Every time it alerts me I think about being poor and being in a cult and being taught I shouldn't medicate for my mental illnesses. I think about being depressed and being suicidal and being unable to concentrate on anything but the next 5 minutes.

I don't know why I'm rambling about this except that someone I follow here just got a diagnosis of autism. When I saw her tweet I just burst into tears because my psych won't look at screening me for that, even though I presented him with my reasons for wanting to pursue it.

Because the thing is that he is the one who helped me get out of that hell pit of not being diagnosed or treated for bipolar II until I was 31, nor ADHD until I was 36. He has been a huge part of my life and now it feels like when I was in the cult and was taught I should just pray.

And now I have to just go find another psych who will listen to my concerns and my reasons for wanting to pursue this.

This hurts.

#mine #exvangelical #suicidal ideation cw #actually autistic #i am no longer pursuing an autism diagnosis but i'm putting this here for posterity #reposting everything from my twitter feed #i'm about to delete everything so get it while it's hot #tweet: 2018 #molly's mad life

[rissi-chan]

Patreon Launch!

Hey, fellow fanatics!

I decided to finally take the plunge and launch a Patreon for my art (fanart and original) and writing (fanfic and original). Both becaue it will motivate me to draw and write more often, and because of my current life situation (which will be explained as best I can under the cut, for those that care to read).

There will be NSFW content in certain pledges, so MDNI with the subscription levels that include that stuff!

Fanart will mostly be BG3 as that is my most recent and current hyperfixation, but other fandoms I am likely to produce content from include:

Dungeons and Dragons, Dragon Age, Mass Effect, Touchstarved

AND potentially the occasional/rare otome/dating sim fandoms, Fire Emblem, and various anime and/or manga.

Along with original content and characters that live in my head rent free!

I will also most likely periodically do commissions—but I will have to set up a pricing breakdown/separate web page for that, probably.

Here is the link to my freshly launched page!:

Now, the life ramble that explains my current situation:

So, life is hard.

I've been lucky. I don't pay rent (I still live with my mother). I only have to help pay for groceries on occasion. I have a job (barely, but we'll get into that) with probably the most freedom/flexibility on could possibly imagine. I have free time—loads.

So what's the problem?

The job I mentioned is hard to really call a job. I'm all but officially unemployed. My parents (when my dad was still alive) bought the local newspaper that my mom has worked at for nearly as long as I've been alive. We live in a small, SMALL town. The run of each weekly issue is maybe in the 2,000-4,000 range. We make most of our money selling ads (which is gross, but the newspaper industry is failing in general, and we are a just a local, rural print and many choose other, more advanced forms of advertisement which reach a broader audience). We've been in the red for the past 2 years, my mother often skipping her own pay check to ensure that she can pay the 2 other elderly employees that are on staff. I make less than $400 a month. Much less.

That's the price you pay for freedom. Little pay, LOTS of time. The reverse is also true, which is something I'm sure a vast majority of people can relate to.

Capitalism is so much fun, isn't it?

Those that are out of college and live with a parent may also be able to relate to what comes next.

The relationship between my mother and I has always had its strained moments, to put it mildly. We are very different people. We have different life experiences, we cope with stress differently. There is a running joke on social media that living with your parents after college/as an adult has the financial advantages, but at the cost of your mental health—and that is very much the reality of our situation.

My biggest insecurity in recent years—since the sudden passing of my father in 2018—has been the feeling of being a burden.

I've never been a healthy person. We always joke that I got all the sickly genetics and my brother got all the cosmic bad luck. I'm autistic. I have anxiety and depression. I have an autoimmune disease. I inherited the genetic heart condition that killed my father. I had a blood clot 2 years ago. I no longer have health insurance. None of this is uncommon, certainly. But I avoid healthcare entirely unless it's an absolute necessity (like the blood clot).

I limit my eating, so we don't have to buy groceries as often.

But my mother has always had a temper, especially when she's stressed. And with the business so up-in-the-air and the constant worry of having to close our doors and find new jobs in a VERY small town + in a society with very limited options, spam job listings, and bogus opportunities, she is almost ALWAYS stressed these days.

She takes it out on me. I'm the only one here.

My feelings of being a burden are all but confirmed for me in those moments. She knows just what to say to hurt me most (whether she realizes it or not, she uses my insecurities against me), and my mental and emotional health worsen, as does the relationship between my mother and I.

I play games or draw or write to feel happy. To have some reprieve from reality.

But "it doesn't make money" and therefore it's a waste of time.

And that brings me to where I am now.

I may make next-to-nothing by launching a Patreon, but it will still be more than the next-to-nothing I make now as well as the LITERAL nothing I will be making if the business is forced to close.

I continue to job hunt on a daily basis, mostly for remote work given my middle-of-nowhere location (if anyone knows of any legit positions I could look into PLEASE let me know—send me a PM, reply to this post, anything). But this will both motivate me to keep doing the things that make me happy and also provide a tiny bit of support to our financial situation.

I have also been in a long distance relationship going on 9 years now. Long distance as in nearly 9,000 miles and an entire ocean away. I try to visit every year, but obviously during Covid that was not an option (totally and completely understandable), and with our finances so precarious, it gets more and more difficult to see my now (as of my visit last year) fiance.

If I can manage to get the money together, we plan to elope during my visit this year. But our future is undeniably going to be difficult without money. Moving isn't cheap. Immigrating isn't easy.

But that's all on the back-burner for now, while we address the more immediate concerns.

I am motivated to do what I can to make ANY extra money while looking for a legitimate job to provide a more stable situation.

Any support—a reblog, a share, a pledge/subscription, a job listing suggestion, ANYTHING will be MASSIVELY appreciated.

I know life is difficult for pretty much everyone on the planet right now. If we could all help each other easily, we would. But I understand that that's not an easy ask for most people at this point in time. I hate having to resort to monetizing my passions, and asking people for support (not pressuring, but even asking is hard in the current state of the world).

But I see few other options.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading my rant and please reblog/share <3

#send help #help #please help #life #my life #patreon #launch #art #my art #my artwork #fanfiction #fanfic #fanfics #fic writing #writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #writers and poets #creative writing #my writing #digital art #artwork #original characters #original art #original character #original charater art #original writing #original story #writing #artists on tumblr #female writers

[failurefemmegf]

Vent of something I've had on my mind lately. Any advice is welcome.

tw: discussion of sex and sexuality, sexual trauma, kink

I don't have a healthy relationship with sex. Maybe I've never had, and maybe no one does.

First things first, I am in my early-mid twenties, and I am a virgin. The only shame I find in being a virgin is the shame that's be instilled in me by society. I am also sexually attracted to women.

I have been sexualized and exposed to sexuality from a very young age. I have unclear memories of CSA, along with some very strange memories with my sister when we were children. I won't go into detail on those.

I went through puberty earlier compared to my peers and developed breasts earlier than my peers. This lead to comments from the boys in my classes and body image issues I still struggle with, including gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. When I attempted to vent my struggles online to women who I though could help me, I was instead sexualized and predated on by men, the attention of which I welcomed because I was a young, barely-teen girl.

I exposed myself to porn and misogynistic content against women from my early teens onwards. Kink, especially hard kink in fiction/fanfiction like rape, age gaps and pedophilia, and incest became a major part of my life from my teen years onwards. I was fascinated by these topics, and that fascination was encouraged by my peers. I engaged and consumed roleplay, fanfiction, and hentai on a daily basis. The entire basis of my sexuality seemed to be sculpted around sexual violence, and I feel lucky that I was never taken advantage of during this time.

I continued to be sexualized and pursued by men, especially my male friends since I struggled to make female friends (autism + niche interests + mental health issues). I welcomed male attention but I hated waiting for their attraction to become overt. I liked being pursued, hated being caught. Eventually this culminated in me being severely sexually harassed by one male friend in college, white-knighted by another male friend who proceeded to isolate me away from everyone else int he friend group, and then both of them dropped me when they realized I wasn't going to fuck them. I became actively suicidal and agoraphobic during that final semester of college, and fell back into fiction and hard kink to escape.

Now that I've become much more critical of the content I consume, and have begun to explore my sexuality as a lesbian, I find myself so lost. Any depictions of sex, especially sex with men, make me uncomfortable. I refuse to watch live-action porn for good reason, and drawn porn/hentai seems so alien to me now. I can't read erotica, as I find most erotica male-centric, whether that be because it's meant for straight women, or it's lesbian erotica written by men. And I can't fantasize anything because I don't knwo what a healthy sexual relationship looks like, and I'm so dissociated from my own body I can't imagine myself as a sexual being with agency.

I do crave intimacy. I just don't know what it looks like. I can't even imagine what it looks like. I cna't even talk about sex or pleasure without feeling a gnawing sense of guilt and shame. I feel like I went from drowning to dying of thirst (ha).

I don't know where to go from here.

#sex negativity #sex repulsed #erotophobia #sex positivity #sex critical #kink critical #radfem #feminism #sexuality #lesbian #intimacy

[blkpetrichorr]

it's so hard to make and keep friends for me right now as a young person in college. it's just an observation i've been making since i'm 6 hours away from all of my friends in college, taking a semester off back home. because i'm not easily within their reach anymore, for example, we can't meet on campus to grab lunch in between classes anymore, they talk to me a lot less now. and it's something i am trying not to take personally, because i see what's happening on a larger scale, and why it's hard for young people to make friends nowadays than it ever has been before in general. i think everyone is just trying to figure themselves out right now, and don't have time to maintain relationships that aren't directly linked to the work they are doing, whether it's school, work, creative, etc. for a lot of people my age, i feel like we are SO overworked and burnt out with school and work, trying to balance both while also maintain our mental health and relationships by staying consistent just feels damn near impossible, even though we are all SO lonely. it's hard not to blame each other for simply reacting to the conditions of the system we live in, but i don't think it's very productive to. we are all constantly trying and failing, floating just above water at any given moment, to survive in a world that does not care about us and lets us know that ANY chance that it gets. everyone's just trying to grow up and figure out who they are, but also how to make money and survive. but it sucks because the worse part is, this is the time in our lives where we need the support from our loved ones more than ever. yet they are nowhere to be found because they are just exhausted, and can barely take care of themselves. we are suffering daily, and spending the rest of our time just trying to recover, trying not to let all of this shit kill us. waiting for the day where we finally make enough fucking money for it finally to be over. and you truly never if or when that day will ever come for you. its scary. i'm scared as fuck, all the time.

#academia #study #capitalism #anti capitalist #anti capitalism #burnout #mental health #depression #anxiety #random thoughts #productivity #self care #social anxiety #mental health awareness #community care #communism #leftism

[my-excellent-bicycle]

John Robins - "The Darkness of Robins" (2017)

I started listening to Elis James and John Robins' radio show around two months ago, and a recurring quality I noticed was the level of vulnerability that occasionally shined through in their banter, especially from John. Most of the time it's light stuff about what they did that week, or talk about topics I really couldn't care less about (like snooker), but other times John would give updates on his mental health. Some examples I'd heard in the past few weeks were him improving his workout regimen and trying new health items like Chinese herbs, going on a weekend meditation retreat that left him sobbing in a Turkish restaurant, and going out to the pub with his "gal pals" to celebrate his birthday, which also involved tears being shed.

Because it was a BBC radio program whose content could only be stretched so far beyond "family-friendly" territory, I always got the sense John would probably recount his experiences a bit differently if not for the format of the show. He's alluded to long-standing struggles with depression and alcoholism, and the willingness to approach these topics in a very matter-of-fact manner made me respect him immensely. Although I couldn't help but feel there were other avenues where he'd explore these issues with a more raw approach, outside the confines of a BBC radio show.

Which brings me to The Darkness of Robins. I've heard some talk about this special in the past, specifically about how it was vaguely depressing, and that it won an award at the Edinburgh Fringe that year, but I've never properly given it a watch until today.

Okay, a bit of a personal insert here, which I don't typically do on this blog, but trust me it's relevant: a few months ago, I was seeing someone. He was a guy who I'd been talking to on and off for a while, but we'd never actually went on proper dates on a consistent basis until last summer. I was 23, and this was the first taste I've ever had of a serious relationship, since being closeted in high school/college basically prevented me from dating, and my home life only sealed that deal. But this was different. We did almost everything couples our age would do. He accepted me for who I was, regardless of how I presented myself that day, or if I was feeling down. I was beginning to think, this could be the real deal. I was so lucky to have him. This felt special.

After a couple months, around December, I started having doubts about how he was feeling. Surely by now, seeing as we'd been together for half a year, he'd want to make it official right? Every time I'd want to allude to the question, he'd either hesitate or put off answering it directly. The only time I directly asked him if he wanted to make things official, he said we should wait until he's finished going through the paperwork for his new apartment, which should be done by February. I took this at face value, but it still made me anxious. It didn't help that he went away with his family for two weeks over Christmas, during which we barely talked at all, and every possibility ran through my head.

When he came back, we met up and had dinner, and he came over mine. I debated on whether I should even bring up the question again, since he'd already told me to basically wait till February, and I didn't want to annoy him or sound desperate. But I bit the bullet and asked again, and this time he told me flat out he didn't want a relationship.

He explained how he wasn't in a place in his life where he could have a healthy relationship, and emotionally laid out some issues in his past, relating to his ex, and therapy he had growing up. I of course understood, assured him I wasn't mad, and I let him out. For the following few days, he would check in on me through text, where I'd do my best to hide the fact I was deeply hurt by his decision. After a few days, I said that I'd want time to myself, and he understood, and that was the last time we talked.

The way this whole ordeal played out still never left my mind, and the more time passed, the more I felt led on and I never got over him, even months later. Everything I'd do, whether it was going out to eat, seeing concerts, or even watching Britcom and blogging about it, were just distractions from thinking about him. Two weeks ago, we'd stopped talking for around four months, and I made the fatal mistake of checking his Instagram for the first time since. I saw his arm around a girl. I read the caption, it had a hashtag, "girlfriend." Shit.

I was livid. Then I felt betrayed, and then destroyed. I couldn't help but think there was something wrong with me. What couldn't I offer in those six months that he flaked out on me, yet she could offer that made him want to make her his girlfriend in only three? All my years of self-loathing, anxiety, and feelings of unworthiness suddenly flooded my brain. I might have snapped at a few friends who were trying to listen to me. I wasn't happy with anything.

I've calmed down since that initial reaction, but the disbelief and negative emotions are still very much present, which brings me to today, and when I put on The Darkness of Robins. In short, this special revolves around John's breakup with his then-fiancee Sara Pascoe, and his ensuing depression and slip into alcoholism. Right from the beginning, John really wants you to know that his brain isn't functioning healthily. Rather than confronting his problems, he'd just slide further into more self-loathing and sadness, and desperately clinging onto a past which can't be recovered. There's images of rotting apples, rivers of tears falling into a toilet, screaming into mirrors. Even the jokes, y'know, the whole reason this is special is even called "comedy," are delivered as such that when you think about them for a second too long, they become more harrowing and sad than hilarious.

At points it felt like a dozen punches to my stomach. Watching John yell to the crowd, during at times even staring down the camera for what felt like centuries, as he plotted out his despair and anxiousness, felt like looking in a mirror. It felt cathartic watching him describe the hopelessness of regaining love once it's lost. Yes, I recognize both of us experienced extremely different degrees of pain, but the same emotions are there, and it's something anyone who's went through any sense of romantic loss or longing can relate to. He so accurately described what it feels like to feel such strong self-hatred that it snowballs from the most mundane things, like shopping for cabinets at IKEA.

I won't spoil the entire thing of course, but the last ten minutes of this special is something that'll stick with me for a very long time. John laying out the slow, agonizing process of his breakup was heartbreaking to witness, and it's structured so masterfully that I'm surprised he hadn't thought of turning it into a novel with that level of detail.

When it ended, I felt numb, and reflected on my own emotions. And then I remembered the present version of John Robins I regularly hear on his radio show every week, and think about how the John I just watched was from several years ago. For reasons I can't articulate entirely, it did give me some hope that it won't always be like this. Maybe these emotions can be managed appropriately, and with time. As the cliche goes, it's a marathon, not a sprint.

There was a particular moment near the last third of the special that stuck out to me. Looking down the camera, John pulled from his inner monologue, saying he realized that "every mistake you've ever made in your life is because of you." At this point in the show, we see this bit as a way John drives the point home that he's been in a cycle of self-loathing for a very long time. But weirdly enough, I interpreted it in a weirdly optimistic way. If every mistake you've made is your own doing, then there shouldn't be anything stopping you from trying to change for the better.

And that's the sense I get from listening to John in 2023. Little adjustments, whether it's getting deep into a workout or trying Chinese herbs, can make a difference. Maybe this will inspire me to try making small changes to my life, in the hopes I'll be able to improve.

But yeah, you should watch The Darkness of Robins, it’s free in its entirety at that link. But maybe approach with caution if you’ve recently had your heart broken.

[ocqueen]

CW detailed discussion of weight loss/gain, chronic health, and disordered eating

Normally I'd post this type of stuff on my journal blog never to be seen again, but hey. I'm feeling bold and weirdly okay about people I know reading this, and it might be insightful for some other people, too.

A long rambling story about weight and physical/mental health, chronic illness, changing bodies, and roads to recovery

I've just hit a really significant physical milestone for me where I can see myself gaining weight. I don't keep a scale (my mom didn't allow them in the house growing up and I never got one for myself), so I don't know if it's backed up by numbers, but it's enough to where I'm actually filling out my bras, developing a stomach and an ass, can't feel my sharp hip bones or ribs jutting out anymore. It's... weird. I finally get people's insecurities about NOT being twiggy thin like I used to be, can feel those thoughts creeping in already even as a still very thin person every time I struggle to get my new butt into my old size 0 pants, but at the same time there's something a bit joyful about being able to see a body that's taking up more space and changing with my age and what that means about my personal health and recovery in general.

I've been stick thin ever since I was a kid, and as I went through college it was very clear that I wasn't going to get a 'freshman fifteen' - and then just about the same time equally as clear that the reason for that was because I was very chronically ill, violently depressed, and stressed out of my mind in a high-pressure program, all of which meant I had a low appetite and lost a lot of weight. The fabled 'freshman fifteen' was actually there, just keeping me at a baseline thin instead of dropping me off a cliff into more dangerously underweight. Even with it, I was starting to have attacks of hypothermia from lack of fat to keep myself warm, and had to start dressing in heavy layers - something my GP originally couldn't explain.

I've struggled since my diagnoses with managing my health, and a lot with gaining - and keeping - weight. I'd go through periods of weight gain as my conditions were in remission or I better managed my stress levels, only to have a health flare or a bout of deadlines and anxieties and lose it all again. I've barely ever managed to hit my goal weight, and when I did it was probably only for about two weeks. I live in constant fear of falling below 100 pounds again now that I finally managed to get myself over it, to the point where I refused to exercise at all and risk accidentally losing more of what little weight I had, despite it being bad for other areas of my health and well being.

I also tend towards disordered eating since I was a teen, especially once I lost the structures of school, and hate having to feed myself - cooking feels like a drudgery and a chore, and eating out was too expensive and wasteful, so I often forgot or forewent it intentionally - something I did more often in school and during my stints working in television. Eating got put to the wayside, in favor of 'productive tasks' and 'saving money' (as if eating to fuel your body wasn't productive enough). I got headaches, shakes, fatigue, all from not eating enough, and it got bad enough that eventually I got an app specifically to track my calories, which revealed how horrible I've been with fueling my body or eating enough to maintain weight. I tried to change, force myself to eat, and for a time it worked, but I always ended up forgetting and falling back onto old habits.

Now, years later, I've adapted. I eat three meals a day because I have a new job with a time structure, I've learned to intentionally eat more calorie-dense foods to make up for eating less, and I snack when I remember to and keep fruit and packaged snacks around that are easy to grab. I've taught myself to be okay eating takeout if I don't have the energy to cook and I exercise doing strength training and yoga to gain muscle without losing weight (though my current job is quite sedentary and I should probably be doing more cardio, haha). Many of my health conditions are getting better with managed treatment, even while others might worsen, and the main culprits for my medical weight loss have slowly been brought to heel and monitored closely. I'm even on a few meds with a side effect of weight gain, which has helped out, too.

And with all of that together... I think we've finally moved past maintenance. I looked in the mirror the other day and I had a real, true stomach, and smooth bumps at my hips instead of jutting bone, and while it caught me off guard I'm slowly coming to enjoy it instead of fear it. My waist isn't so wasp-thin anymore, filled out by fat or muscle, and it's unclear which but I don't care right now. My face is less gaunt, I look less tired (my mom tells me how much better I look), I'm getting fewer unexplained bouts of hypothermia and I know where my late afternoon headaches are from and can make sure they don't happen anymore. It's surreal to me, like I'm a different person, and while it's a lot of work to manageI know that it's healthier this way. My doctors are now worried about me gaining too MUCH weight, but I'm just happy to settle into a new body for a bit - one that might be able to help carry me wherever I need to go, and one I might be able to treat a bit better in the future if I make sure I don't forget it. It's part of my recovery, not only with my physical health, but a sign of moving past and managing my fast-inducing depression and anxiety, too, and that alone is enough to make me happier than I could have thought a little bit of fat could do.

Anyways, recovery looks a lot of different ways for a lot of different people, but this is mine, and it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately as I go through chronic health flares and scares related to other things. It's a small victory for me that I hope can usher in a few larger ones in the future, and pave the way for something more.

#personal #venting #rambles #chronic health #weight gain #weight loss #disordered eating #tw weight #tw weight loss #tw weight gain #tw disordered eating #chronic illness #personal success #queen.txt #recovery

[jorality]

I've been stick with my thoughts again and you know what? I'm glad I slept most of my 20's away.

I'm 29 and while so far this age hasn't fucking sucked I've just been thinking about how there has been way too much character development since I turned 20. I mean my life was a mess in my teens too but it feels like I've been through EVERYTHING these past 9 years.

Age 20: Was a pretty chill time I was getting adjusted to college life and made friends.

Age 21: My dad has to put my pomeranian down and doesn't tell me. My maternal grandpa dies. I get west nile virus, during production week and get yelled at for not sending my professor an email even though the entire department knew that I had west nile. (BTW a horrible disease I thought I was gonna die)

Age 22: My grades are slipping and I need to maintain my GPA for my scholarship. I have a mental breakdown and oops I've had untreated depression for...my whole life but apparently the move from boarding school to college broke me?

Age 23: I get my goddamn eye removed after spending an entire childhood of surgeries and experimental medicine to keep it. Bitch, what the fuck?

Age 24: Someone steals my only mode of transportation right at moving day.

Age 25: I almost die from a pulmonary embolism and learn that I have thicker blood than the average human. But at least I have a puppy and a momma who takes care of me.

Age 26: I watch my mom get sick and temporarily give my puppy to my cousin even though I didn't want to. It's the pandemic, my chronic pain makes it harder to take care of my mom, my idiot aunt ruins everything and I wake up to my mother's corpse. My dog was hit by a car after being nabbed by a crackhead. I have decided I will kill God and Satan.

Age 27: I'm barely holding it together, my father smothers me in attention I don't want, but at least he let's me get a new dog (I will no longer entrust family with my pets). My internet wife moves in with me and I am no longer alone. My mom still haunts my dreams and it drives me a bit insane. I cone down with a triple infection of my eye, nose, and throat. I get put on a medley of antibiotics.

Age 28: I get violently Iill one day after my birthday and go to the emergency room 4 times until I can't move my facial muscles. Turns out one of those antibiotics gave me hives! My face feels like it's covered in Elmer's glue, I can barely open my mouth and my skin feels like it's been set by the fires of hell and I look like a leopard. Later that year I have nasal surgery so I don't die!

And now I'm 29 my vision is still spotty , I have thoughts about killing myself and I need more money. And a vacation. Let's all hope I make it to 30!

#the bad parts of my life story #rant #not like anyone cares but i needed to put my thoughts somewhere #where better than the internet

[astro-stpd]

this is gonna be rambly and kinda weird but I need a place to konmari my thoughts and this is the safest void.

if you have any advice for this, please send it in. I don't know what it'd be for, honestly.

all under the cut:

I'm starting this off by saying I'm really emotionally stunted and that bleeds into my feelings and perceptions of the self. I generally never know what the fuck I'm feeling or whether it's good or bad and can only barely assess it in hindsight.

This kind of bleeds into my gender crisis I've been on-and-off paying attention to for a whole 10 years now. My perception of the self is really kind of whack. It surmounts to "Yes, I have a body" and "I don't like these parts but I have to live with them." It's like that in a bunch of aspects: I've been obese since I was a child because of my parents and toxic relationships with food, I have pretty negative relationships with my family and I hate that i look like them, etc.

I saw a repost on pinterest about gender and age evolutions (mobile pinterest is bad about me being able to find posts I've viewed to find sources). The summary is that boy and girl as genders are different than man and woman as genders because of roles and age evolution.

That hit me. So I was like, "okay, options" and started trying to apply this and, it feels incomplete, more clear but incomplete.

Girl was correct up until like, age 10, even if it was just in title. Woman is incorrect on vibes alone. I think about being a woman in the future (the now? I'm a whole ass adult and no adult term feels right) and I could actually throw up. Man doesn't feel right even in the future but it isn't the same immediate reaction. I can only explain it as you're translating something in a language you're familiar with but not 100%, and you're like sure you translated a word right but you still wanna double and triple check. Enby is sort of the same way, but in a sense where I can't imagine being an adult with that title from immediate stigma I'm force-fed.

But there's an inbetween that doesn't seem to fit with that, like the teenage years aren't in that model. even though as a teenager you're still a child. I'd argue that until like 25 you should still be considered a child because of brain development.

Like if there were teen in that model, none feel right. Teen girl, big fucking no. Teen boy, not at all. Teen enby, nope. Teendom was just a big gray pit of every mental issue and physical issue being put center stage and I barely remember the half of it.

I firmly believe in the phrase "euphoria denotes transness" but I don't think I've ever experienced that. Dysphoria, yes, and it bleeds into some of my other identities.

If I could imagine a future where I could present as I want, it'd be completely unattainable because of cost or expectation. Cost is based on depressive realism: I'm from one of the poor sections of a industrial town in a low COL state, my family is just above the poverty line, I can't do low skill labor because of the social and emotional costs of working those, I can't do work and college at the same time, I have student loans even on a full tuition scholarship. Expectation is based on predatory beauty standards, (internalised) ableism, (internalised) sexism and the like: I wouldn't be obese, I wouldn't have boobs, I won't be able to get pregnant, I wouldn't be as tall as I am, I wouldn't be convex bow-legged with the stress point at the knees, I wouldn't be neurodivergent, I wouldn't have ever s/h-ed, I wouldn't have sensory issues, I wouldn't be asthmatic, etc.

But so much of what I would imagine an adult me to be is unattainable. Like even the most basic changes of "not obese," "no boobs," and "not able to get pregnant" are unattainable. I can't diet because of sensory issues (mostly texture based). Gym memberships are expensive and I've already stated that I'm not in the best situation for working. Top surgery is expensive and even though breast cancer runs in my family, I don't have at-risk symptoms or it close enough to get them cut off for prevention purposes. Getting sterlised in my home state is near impossible but not having a period would make my anxiety worse because I'm AFAB and i could get seriously hurt in ways where not having a period may be the only way I'd know it happened.

Talking about this with my family is a trip to disowned-ville or denial-town waiting to happen. it's already happened before when I was 11.

I don't know what label i'd be, none of them feel right. I'm definitely not cis, but other than that idfk.

And I don't have the means to make it better. Even like experimenting with a binder is out of the question because of costs.

#risha shut up #rishas mental health bs #gender #lgbtqia #trans issues #advice request #terfs dni #long post

[wanderingmygiant]

Learning More, Getting Dumber

The day before the comprehensive exams for my doctorate, one of my advisors told me that I would never be smarter than I was the day before my exams. It was a reassuring thing to tell me, and I repeat a version of it to undergraduate students before they present their senior projects (e.g., "no one in the room knows more about this topic than you do").

I got that reassurance in 1996. Since then, I've been teaching college-level courses in US history and a variety of upper-level classes in migration and British history. Early on, a colleague told me he loved being a historian because we accumulate knowledge as we age, always adding depth and detail to what we know. There is little chance a new discovery will leave us behind or upend the theory we have based our whole knowledge base on (looking at you, evolution). I've worked to keep up with changes in the historiography and read into new topics to develop my curricula over the years. There is nothing like teaching a topic over and over again to encourage you to find connections between events and themes across time. Now, I have spent twenty years researching and publishing on mostly 19th-century Scottish topics related to Paisley and the Poor Law. Later this Spring I will submit a book manuscript on the subject, and I am just at the end of the first-draft phase on that project. I've added immeasurably to the amount of information stuffed in my skull before those exams,

And this is the moment in my career when I am most overwhelmed with the sheer volume of knowledge I have not acquired. My book includes a chapter about Paisley's dilemma over their tiny, inadequate mental asylum. There is a VAST scholarship on the history of psychiatry in the nineteenth century that I have barely touched and will get two sentences in the chapter. I feel like I've got a pretty good handle on middle-class social conventions - then a two-page section of Dickens upends me in confusion over the proper use of calling cards. Even reading about topics I adore but do not research (fashion history, this means you!) I'm now looking at books I admire, seeing the huge number of things I've had to leave out of my own text, and wondering what wealth of detail these authors know that they just couldn't squeeze into the book - and that therefore I'll likely never learn. My colleague did not warn me about this: my total body of knowledge is shrinking in proportion to my awareness of how much there is to learn.

I'm preparing to teach for the second time a course specifically on Social History of Victorian Britain. These students will read one or two books (assuming they follow the syllabus), glean details of daily life from Oliver Twist (I know, not strictly Victorian, but close enough for my purposes), conduct research into a juicy Glaswegian murder and research and write a paper on a Victorian Invention of their choice. With their final grade, they will confidently exclaim, "I've learned Victorian Social History!"

Oh, my. What they don't know.

#History #Professor Life #Social history #Historian

[wherethegravelsthin]

whining about my mother beneath the cut

every few months I get thrown back in a mental hospital and it's been years since I last "quit" self harming, I don't even remember how I started again but I did. And every few days I get into a nasty fight with my parents with yelling and I usually end up self harming just from the sheer emotional overload and the entire time it happens all I'm thinking to myself is "I don't want this, I don't wanna do this, I don't wanna feel like this, I wish someone would just give me a hug" but my mom's response to whenever this happens is to tell me that she can't help me because she's "tried everything" and "has spent years trying everything" and "nothing works and I can't help you" and like I know that that's her way of saying that I need to be able to deal with my problems on my own. But also. It makes me feel like a lost cause.

Every day I wonder who's the real "bad person" in the relationship I have with my mom. Is it me or her? I can barely approach calling my family codependent even though we are, I don't have any friends outside of the family home, my mom sure doesn't have any friends, my dad definitely doesn't have any friends, we are a family of three that only has each other and it's suffocating me.

When I was a child I'd come home from school every day saying I was getting picked on and my mom would tell me I needed to "be like a turtle" and "grow a shell". Which now, at the age of 23 as opposed to 6, I rightfully recognize it as the most bananas-insulting thing you can say to your child who is going to school every day and coming home feeling drained and alone and exhausted. To this day she won't admit she did wrong. If I bring it up she's like "I thought I was doing the right thing at the time" or whatever. It's never an, "I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, but it was wrong and I'm sorry". I like never get an apology out of my mom for anything.

I'm 23 years old and I can't lock my bedroom door at night for privacy without my mom knocking on the door and texting me being like "your cat wants to come in the room!!" and she'll get up and go to my door and try to open the locked door and it's like. Does it ever occur to you, mom, that I'm doing 23 year old things? Private 23 year old things that you don't need to fucking interrupt? But I have no privacy and I have no boundaries so, that's fucking that I guess

And I can't move out. I can't move out, because my parents made sure I got on social security, so I get a whopping $600 a month, (which I don't even get btw it goes to my parents), so I'm not allowed to make more than $1000 a month, or else I "won't get the $600 social security money" (read: my parents won't get the $600 social security money), and I've looked up studio apartments in my city and out of my city, more than once, and lemme tell you, even if I was getting that extra 600 bucks a month, it wouldn't be enough to cover living on my own for how much rent is. For a studio apartment. Because then I'd have to think about groceries, and laundry, and transportation -- I don't have a license (I wanted to get it when I was 16 but my parents said no not now and now I really don't want a license bc driving freaks me the fuck out and they're demanding I get one) and there's no public transit route that goes from my home to my job, and. Fuck.

I once wanted to go away for college when I was in college, I wanted to study abroad and go to Ireland, and my mom talked me down from it, saying "well what if something happened, what if one of the pets got sick, what if grandma got sick and you couldn't come home". When covid happened she brought it back up to me, even though Ireland hadn't been on my mind in a couple years at that point, saying "see this is why I didn't want you to study abroad because look at what's happening now". Ugh

The last time I was in this particular mental hospital that I'm at right now (this is my fourth stay) the counselors repeatedly brought up that we may benefit from some family therapy, and I brought this up to my mom when she visited me here and she started crying on the spot and she told me she never wanted this for me, she never wanted me to turn out like her, she wanted something better for me, etc. And family therapy did not happen then, and I doubt it'll happen now, because my mom is not the kind of person who can even stomach the idea that she could be wrong about anything. Especially not if it comes from me.

When JKR first came out as a transphobe I was telling my mother that it was Bad and she wouldn't believe me! She was tossing my words to the side. Thank god my half sister was in the car to tell her "No, she's right, what she's doing is really wrong and bigoted and awful" because she straight up wouldn't listen to me; but she'd believe my half sister telling her the same thing.

I can never tell my mom "let's not do this particular thing right now because I'm getting upset and I don't want to explode", I can never set that boundary, because she pushes it every time. She goes, "well we can't just put it off because then you'll never do it!" and I can try reiterating myself that I'm getting upset and I'm trying not to lose it and she keeps pressing until I explode like a volcano, I have all this lava running underneath me all the time and it just erupts sometimes. And the entire time I'm erupting all I can think about is how I don't wanna be doing this. And my mom has the audacity to say shit to me like "You're still a teenager" when I'm upset. I haven't been a teenager for four years. I'm an adult who has emotional regulation problems, which she doesn't fucking help with.

So I go into these mental hospitals and she tells me to focus on coping skills but honest to god all the coping skills in the world couldn't help me from having an eruption if she doesn't learn how to take "no" for an answer and respect my goddamn motherfucking boundaries for a change.

And I can't move out, and I can't make any more money, and I can't do anything to improve my situation. God. Is it any wonder I feel hopeless and depressed?

#gravel whines

[eisheartoffantasy]

Entry #1. Hello Tumblr...

As the title says, hello.

First thing first, if you happened to stumble upon my page and clicked in under the assumption that I'm a Raiden Shogun fan/roleplay account, let me come clean and say that I'm not. Yes, I love the character; yes, I enjoy the game; but this account is, more than anything, a personal journal. Of course, I likely will post about Genshin Impact — personal journal certainly includes what I personally like. My point is: this is a self-focused account, not a fandom-focused one. I will mostly post about my mental health, specifically how I'm (attempting at) getting better.

So now, let me introduce myself to anyone who intends to stay. I'm a college senior in real life and honestly, it's almost a miracle that I've made it this far with my mental state. Ever since junior year of high school, mental health has been something I struggled with on and off. I've struggled at being a competent student, where I couldn't focus fully on studying, resulting in quite a number of failed classes and low grades. The only reason I feel like I haven't had to drop out or delay my degree completion is the fact that I had some of the most lenient professors, attended summer sessions for extra credits, and took advantage of the pass/fail option which my college started allowing due to the pandemic.

Now that I'll graduate pretty soon, I'm in a panic: I have zero idea on how to be an actual adult. I have never successfully applied to a proper job that had anything to do with my field of study. I've lived in a dorm my whole college career, so I have no idea how to rent an apartment. I can barely drag myself out of bed when my depression hits, and it can last for weeks. I have a completely messed up sleep schedule. And, worst of all, I barely have any friends.

Thinking about all of that makes me want to hide, dig a hole and bury myself in it, escape to a separate world where no one can find me, be forgotten by everyone who knows me. I see other people around my age doing things I can't see myself doing for at least another several years, and I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my incompetent self. In my lowest moments, my shame even turns into resentment: I hate others for achieving what I can't. However, I don't want to let negativity consume me and my life. I don't want to live in a self-destructive way until death. Now, more than I ever have, I want to be better.

And in vague summary, "I want to be better" — that's why I decided to create this account. Of course there is much more to say about myself, but I'll save it for later. If you read all the way to here, I sincerely thank you for your time. If you decide to follow me for my future writings, I'm honored to have you witness my mental health journey, and if you're someone struggling with similar things I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone.

You may call me Ei here on Tumblr, and only on Tumblr, since you won't find me on any other platform.

With warmth and hopefulness,

Ei

#mental health #personal journal #online diary #it will get better #self growth

[dayseternal-blog]

Hi days! I know you're the best person to go to for some NH fic recommendations. Can you share with us really angsty NH fics? I've read White Lillies, that amount of angst is revitalizing I LOVE IT!!! big thanks!!!

HELLO

For how fluffy NaruHina is, there SURE ARE A LOT of shippers who LOVE NARUHINA ANGST.  I’ve been asked for angst recs far more than any other type????

I will now compile every angst fic rec I’ve ever made into one long list.  (folks can see if there’s anything I’ve missed 🤓)

NARUHINA ANGST

“A Place In The Sun” by ihaveastorminme - Rated M for smut and depictions of violence, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete.  Naruto realizes that he’s not enough to love her.  He’s not enough to save her, either.

“A Fate Worse than Death” by Caelestia - Rated M for smut, ABO Canon-Divergent, One-shot.  Naruto, improperly socialized and traumatized as a child, rejects his inner Alpha, which has devastating consequences on his family and marriage.  “A Risky Bet” is its fluffier follow-up.

“Girl No 10″ by meeiwen - Rated M, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Naruto makes a mistake with a dancer one drunk night.  Years later when he meets her again, he begins realizing his perfect life is a lie, but he’s too late to fix it. Angst if you want to know what dying feels like warning.

“if this is love (why does it hurt?)” by ClairvoyantDreamer1011 - Rated M, Friends with benefits Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Hinata knew many things about Naruto Uzumaki. She knew that his heated glances meant ‘I want you’; that lingering touches whispered 'please’, and that the sight of his back to her screamed 'leave’. But she couldn’t tell you what they were to each other for the life of her.

“If You Said You Loved Me” by destiny’s sweet melody - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, One-shot.  Naruto begins to realize he took her feelings for granted and now he’s too late.

“The Ring that Binds” by softwind - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete.  Naruto and Hinata are married.  So why is Naruto calling “Sakura” in his sleep?

“Why would innocent little Hinata be out dressed like that?” (One-shot) and its follow-up “On Any Given Day” (Long One-Shot) by @utsus - Rated T, Canon-Divergent. Hinata tries to move on from Naruto, right when he realizes he wants to keep her.

“For the Future” by @utsus - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. Hinata understands this better than anyone else. Naruto is easy to love.  (I actually just hate the ending a lot.  That’s what puts this on the list).

“Gilded Butterflies” by Kid Crisis - Rated M for depictions of violence, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Tenshi, beautiful prostitute of the Villa, realized from a very young age that people seem to do nothing but empty her, and not even Naruto seems capable of convincing her otherwise.

“Serenity Prayer” by @katarinahime - Rated M for smut, substance abuse, PTSD, and depictions of domestic violence and non-con, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. When their fairytale endings smash to ugly pieces, Hinata and Naruto help put each other back together.

“Common Side Effects” (Naruto’s POV) by @katarinahime & “Medicated” (Hinata’s POV) by @szajnie - Rated E for smut, substance abuse, mental illness, and depictions of violence, self-harm, and attempted suicide, Crime/Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto and Hinata, in a struggling relationship, must confront the pain inside before they can love each other.

“In Another Life” by theGeneralissimo - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. In which Naruto listens to his mother’s advice and marries a girl like her. And lives to regret it.

“Mistake” by Cherry1315 - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto falls apart, and, unfortunately, Hinata has to pick up the pieces.

“Until the Day I Love” by BluBlooThalassophile - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Everyone is recovering from the war.

“Hidden From Sunlight” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. How different could Naruto’s life be when the girl that seemed 'barely around’ is truly hardly around at all?

“Powerless” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated M for depictions of violence and character death, Mystery/Crime High School/Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. His family’s past can’t be taken at face-value, and it comes clawing back to hurt him in ways that are out of his control. DELETED FIC.

“21 Days” by @bunny-hoodlum - Rated E includes dub-con, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Anonymous internet friends decide to meet up IRL and give each other their first times.

“April - Too Late/Missed Opportunities” from “Still Falling for You” by @chloelapomme - Rated T, College/Modern AU, One-shot. After her 3 years away for college, Naruto decides to confess.

“June - Honor/Sacrifice” from “Still Falling for You” by @chloelapomme - Rated T, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Naruto marries Hinata, the girl of his dreams.  If only she loved him back.

“you totally almost killed me that one time (it’s okay I still love you)” by @itachiboutit - Rated G, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Complete.  Naruto, a promising baseball player, returns to Konoha Prep, and, without so much as even a “long time no see,” hits a ball into Hinata’s face. (This isn’t really angsty…but I get really upset in Ch. 4 and cry a lot every time.)

“Because I Love You” aka “Arranged Marriage AU Take 2″ (Same fic) by @magmawrites - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. A canon divergent fic in which The Last never happened and Hinata Hyuga was promised to another.

“Asylum AU” from “Tales of Two Ninjas” by @magmawrites - Rated M, Modern AU, One-shot. What’s to say what’s real and what isn’t? The only thing that’s valid and true in all universes is their love for one another.

“Dreaming of AU” from “Tales of Two Ninjas” by @magmawrites - Rated M for implied suicide, Modern AU, One-shot. Naruto dreams of her. He grows to love her. Dreams are nice. Too bad reality is a nightmare. (Most likely a continuation of the Asylum AU.)

“Memory Loss AU” from “Tales of Two Ninjas” by @magmawrites - Rated M, Amnesia Canon-Divergent AU, One-shot. I LOVE YOU. Will I ever hear those words from your lips again?

“The Path We Walk” by @tenney-shoes - Rated T, Amnesia Canon-Divergent AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. With his memory of the past five years missing, Naruto never expected to be married to Hinata, and now he must navigate through the maze that is their life together with no memory of how he got there.

“Easier For Me” by @tenney-shoes - Rated T, Amnesia Canon-Divergent AU, Two-shot, Complete. How will Hinata handle waking up with no memory of how she got there?

“My Escape” by @marimare-writes - Rated T, Amnesia Canon-Divergent AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto wakes up from a coma with no recollection of life after graduating the Academy. Hinata, anxious and with a secret that will change both of their lives, struggles with what to do.

“Consolation Prize: Through Her Distorted Mirror” by mysterious intentions - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete.  Her love is taken lightly, as if her heart could change so easily.

“Good Luck” By LovelyLori - Rated T, Flowers/Ballet AU, Two-Shot, Complete. A Japanese ballet company arrives in Naruto’s town.  Can love transcend language barriers? (I spent HOURS looking for this one, it totally breaks my heart.)

“On the outside looking in” by @char-lotteral - Rated E for smut, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Naruto’s in love with his best friend’s girlfriend fiancee.  And he’s not moving on.

“Sincerely, Uzumaki Naruto” by @bkgsbby​ - Rated T, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. After his wife leaves him a week after giving birth to their son, Naruto moves back to Konoha. He adjusts to life as a single father, with the help of his friends and surprisingly, his old crush.

“Road to Redemption” by averagejane497 - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. Naruto’s made a lot of mistakes in his life, especially concerning the women he loves. Maybe this time he can get it right.

“You’re the One” by AnimeloverNUMBA100 - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Complete. After 4 desperate years, Hinata finally asked Naruto out. He decides to give her a chance, but his feelings for Sakura has never faded. Hinata is slowly losing hope as time goes on…and she soon chooses to leave him.

Untitled by @randomprose - Rated G, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. Prompt: Hinata finds out that Naruto told Minato that Sakura is his girlfriend.

“Jitters” by ncfan - Rated T, Canon-Compliant, One-shot. He has her heart but he doesn’t even know it.

“The Red Umbrella” by ncfan - Rated G, Canon-Divergent, One-shot. As the rain hits her, Hinata thinks about what she doesn’t have, and what she’ll never have now.

“Duplicity” by GoldKing - Rated T, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Uzumaki Sakura wants to know why Hinata’s children are blond.

“My Favorite Night” by @peppercornpresses - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Incomplete. Hinata harbors deeper feelings for Naruto after three years of being his roommate. When he starts dating Sakura, Hinata decides it’s in her heart’s best interest to turn the other way, and leaves Naruto for good with a heart-breaking secret in tow.

“The Loving Type” by @peppercornpresses - Rated M, Canon-Divergent, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. A few years have passed since the Fourth Shinobi War, in which…Rookie Nine steadily advances in rank. Naruto gets engaged. Hinata leaves Konoha. And Kakashi schemes for days.

“Blurred Lines” by @vegebulsoup - Rated E, Police / Cops and Robbers Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Complete. Detective Naruto Uzumaki is having a hard time staying focused at work due to an elusive, dark-haired beauty.  (Starts off fun and smutty, grows angsty).

“I want you to cry” and its sequel “Road of Tears” by Devahhole - Rated E for graphic murder, dub-con/non-con, and smut, High School AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. A sociopath blinded by revenge runs into his greatest opponent.

“Absolute” by @ssa25 - Rated M, Modern AU, Multi-chapter, Ongoing. She was his kind, shy and innocent friend. Until she wasn’t. He was her pure, beautiful and unrequited love. Until he wasn’t.

I’m very glad that you enjoyed my “White Lilies” fic!!  Here’s everything I could think of for you to cry or stress out over.

SAD READING 😢

#anon #naruhina fanfic recs #naruhina angst