#mental health musing

[phloxy-fox]

The process of waking up

There are many answers you could receive if you were to ask somebody with depression what the scariest part about a down phase is.

Is it the never-ending litany of dark thoughts swirling in your head? Words that speak lies about your worth to others and yourself? Your worth to the world?

Or is it the way the world becomes muted? The sun no longer feels as warm. Your favorite tea no longer tastes like anything. The way you are either tied to your bed, motionless. Or perhaps the way that this muffled version of the world becomes your new norm?

The silent agony of realizing that you are still able to go through the motions of living your life and you can't ask for help because it feels like your mind has taken your ability to speak. Your pain becomes invisible to anyone but you until you become numb.

To me, it's the phase of waking up from it. After having been numb to the swirling thoughts and pain for so long, you are met with the full force of it all.

You experience the pain of those swirling thoughts again. You become aware of how bland everything tastes. You desire to do things again but still remain without the energy to do them.

Most importantly, it's the realization that no matter how much you have healed, you have not noticed the downward spiral in time to fall into a state of numbness.

The realization that no matter how much you healed, slipping back into old thought patterns is always possible. For just a short moment, it feels as if the fight to heal and the path you have treaded, have been futile. You begin to look back to where you started and it feels like you took ten steps back instead of forward.

But that's not the truth. It's scary to wake up again but also a vital step in the process of fighting depression. Becoming fearful of the numbness means that there is a part of you that doesn't wish to be like that anymore. That recognizes being so numb to the world around you is not the way you should be.

You are healing, my friend. It is frightening but you can do it and I believe in you.

#flowery rambles #mental health musing #mental health #Literally just my thoughts on how I noticed I'm healing

[the-upper-shelf]

"The intruder"

#fantasy #haelumians #personal art #digital art #humanoid #wings #monster #digital painting #nature #I did a big steppy for my mental health today #this summer my family's cottage burned down and it was my muse #for a long time it felt wrong to draw cozy homes and blooming plants #when all I had in my mind was blackened walls and the smell of burnt plastic #I was scared I would have never been able to do this ever again #but today I decided that if anyone was gonna pull me out of this sadness that was me

[resiliencewithin]

I am healing for me.

I am not healing for work. I am not healing to return to being a productive member of society.

I am healing for my own stability, wellness, health and contentment.

#mental health #mental illness #recovery #self love #self care #resiliencewithin muses

[mindfulhavens]

Mood for the day

#quotes #mental health #writing #musings #emotional health #thoughts #mental health matters #literature #mental wellbeing #emotional well being #fanfic #harry potter

[ghost-bxrd]

Thinking of Bruce and what he must have felt pulling up to the warehouse, seeing only a burning ruin—

And still digging through the rubble like a madman despite knowing all he’d find would most likely be a body…

I wonder if he hoped, for a moment, he’d find nothing. Because like this—- Robin couldn’t really be dead, right?

And then the relief/devastation when he did find him…

#oh no I’m making myself sad again #this hurts #just—- #oof #owl song isn’t good for my mental health istg 😭😂 #ghost talks #a death in the family #Bruce Wayne #Batdad #Batman #musings

[tommykinard6]

I love your headcanons!

Why do you think Tommy has a difficult relationship with sex and how does that show?

Also do you have any more ideas about the emergency contact one? Like the first time they get a call from the hospital...

Yessss thank you so much for asking about those headcanons! I’ve been wanting to talk about these.

I actually just got another ask about the emergency contact and I’m going to go super in depth for that, so stay tuned!

But why do I think Tommy has a difficult relationship with sex? I’m so, so glad you asked. This is one of my biggest headcanons.

However! Please read with caution. TW: for a form of self h*rm involving sex, self hatred, and internalized homophobia.

Tommy was extremely closeted for most of his life. When he was at the 118, he couldn’t even accept himself. But at some point, he stopped being able to ignore it. For me, this might be when he realized he liked Sal (see my other post).

Now for some people, exploring your sexuality includes a *ahem* wild phase. To me, Tommy had two parts of this phase. The first one was…not great.

Tommy was a self loathing closeted man. He hated himself for being gay. He wanted to be “normal”. So when he stopped being able to ignore it, he thought he could “get it out of his system”. So he went to bars outside of LA (he wasn’t risking bumping into anyone he knew) and hooked up with any man who showed interest. He wasn’t picky. He was just more focused on getting out of this “phase”.

So he hooked up with a lot of men. And he didn’t care about himself at all. In fact, he out right hated himself every time. So it devolved. If something didn’t feel good, Tommy leaned into it because he saw it as punishment. He used sex to punish himself and to hurt himself.

I’m not quite sure about how he pulled himself out of it, but we’ll go with this. My idea is that he had a sexual partner who caught onto what was going on, that Tommy secretly hated something happening but refused to stop on his own. The partner shut down the event and when he called out, gently, Tommy on what was happening, Tommy broke down. The partner held him and listened to his garbled story and talked him through it. Instead of the hookup, they spent that night just talking, with the partner trying to get Tommy to see what was happening and get him out of the slump.

And it didn’t fix it. Tommy continued this pattern for a couple more hookups, but he started to get discontented and uncomfortable. Around this time maybe, the 118 got Bobby Nash and the dynamic started changing. Sal was gone and working with Hen, an openly queer firefighter, started to shift how he looked at himself.

So Tommy stopped the hookups and started working on himself. He couldn’t quite face himself still, but he worked on liking himself outside of his sexuality. He started laying down boundaries when he hooked up. And then he left the 118 and started therapy. He was ready to start over. He was tired of the pain and the self hate and the cycle he’d been stuck in for so long. He wanted what he’d seen others have. He saw Hen with her wife and he wanted a bond like that and he knew it could never be with a woman.

Skip forward all this time and he’s learned to be gentle with himself. He finally loves himself. He has embraced his sexuality. Maybe he’s still friendly with that past partner or maybe they never spoke again, idk. He’s had some relationships but nothing’s really stuck. Then he meets Evan Buckley.

He meets Evan Buckley and he feels the sun for the first time. And Evan is still figuring himself out and Tommy not only really likes him, but also wants to make sure Evan doesn’t make the same mistakes he did.

Does that answer the question? Let me sum it up.

Tommy used sex to punish himself and those were his first real experiences with guys. So even now, in healthier relationships and with better mindsets, he doesn’t do the hookup game anymore and is very shy of having sex too soon. He doesn’t have sex without knowing and trusting the person.

Y’all I have no idea if this made sense, but this is literally the premise of a story in my brain.

#911 abc #9-1-1 #911 show #tommy kinard #911 season 7 #lou ferrigno jr #bucktommy #evan buckley #911 spoilers #tk6 answers #tk6 muses #911 meta #tw: mental health #tw: self loathing #tw: self destruction #read the tws

[lynnwriting]

Accepting My Own Neurodivergence

I know it's Thursday, but there's something I need to share and a few changes it temporarily brings. Better late than never, right? Hello, my name is Lynn, and I have #autism. Read more about this diagnosis by clicking the link below. #neurodivergent

Hello, my name is Lynn, and I have autism. Photo by Tara Winstead on Pexels.com Like many of you, this came as a shock to me, but then again, it didn’t. It rather came with a sense of relief, vindication, mingled with grief and indignation for not knowing sooner. You may recall how I have spoken about being an INFJ at great lengths, emphasizing that was the reason for my difference in…

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#autism #autism awareness #autistic #disability #mental disability #mental health #Musings #neurodivergence #neurodivergent

[megamindsecretlair]

Ever since I told my job I'm leaving, they been trynna push me out 🤣 already want to give my desk to a newcomer and said I can telecommute the rest of the month. AND stay off calls.

Little do they know, Im finna act up on company time chuz fuck em 👏🏽 take yo days off, protect your mental health 👏🏽 these jobs will literally replace you while you still there 🤣🤣

Lemme take this day off and enjoy this beautiful ass rain. And my brother aint here? Sheeit, yall might juss get a new fic outta me today 😩👏🏽

#megaminds musings #work aint shit #dont be afraid to take them days off #if you need it or want it take the day #mental health matters #protect yo peace #look at God #wont He do it

[sotwk]

A person can be told "I love you" literally every single day of their life, and still live their whole life feeling wretchedly unloved.

#you need at least a little show to go with that tell #and some people need more than just a little sign #and HOW you say things matter more than WHAT you say #relationships #gentle reminders #naneth stuff #mental health #love each other #spread love #communication #social interaction #advice #sotwk musings #love language #feeling

[coffeexxcigarettes]

Extinguish

-

I fear I am made of

The fractured sins of my parents.

Reflected back at me,

Pushing the current to the surface.

In moments of silence;

In moments of solitude.

To be told I am kind,

I am thoughtful,

Goes against my nature

When I long for the soul

Of that which does not belong to me;

Can never belong to me.

If I am called beautiful

By several

My body shakes as embers spark.

Remember who you are.

I've destroyed more people than I can bare to admit.

Their kindness haunts me in ways similar to that of

An endlessly beating heart

Beneath my floorboards.

Can't you hear it, my love?

I believe I was always made for chaos,

Unintentional violence,

Agonizing compassion-

Barely able to stomach when my flames would

Pull another to destruction.

...And then there was you.

x

#writing #poets on tumblr #spilled ink #poem #heartbreak #spilled thoughts #love #mental health #lovesick #dark academia #original poem #my muse #writers of tumblr #original writing #poems about feelings #poems on tumblr #my art #my therapy #spilled poetry #spilled feelings #spilled writing #writers and poets #poems about love #poems and poetry #devil #passion #longing #romantic couple #romantic poem #romantic academia

[fangirltothefullest]

My sister said she was going to turn this beautiful creation into the ham the flat frog voyager salamander baby and I am DO down for this.

#tashiarts #keeper of my mental health right here #my muse

[razzberrydazz]

Me, realizing one of the many reasons I like Shadowheart and Astarion so much is because they read as having BPD to me, because I am a person with BPD and I project myself the hardest on characters I see myself in. It's MY comfort characters and I'll project on them however much I want 🤡😈

So I broke down the base criteria of BPD symptoms (you only need to tick 5 of the 9 criteria to be able to be diagnosed with BPD) and how both Shadowheart and Astarion can be interpreted as having and expressing the various behavioral criteria.

The main criteria: Fear of Abandonment, Self-Harm and/or Suicidal Thoughts, Chronic feelings of Emptiness and Dissociation, Unstable Self-image and sense of identity, history of unstable relationships, impulsive and self-sabotaging behavior, mood swings, extreme anger, Paranoia and disconnect from reality. It's not explicitly a criteria, but it's incredibly common if not a prerequisite that people with BPD have prolonged past trauma that caused them to have these maladaptive behaviors.

Both Astarion and Shadowheart have the traumatized unstable past to explain their behaviors (Shadowheart DEFINITELY has SEVERE childhood trauma since she got kidnapped and forced into a horribly abusive and manipulative cult, while Astarion has the trauma from Cazador's centuries of abuse and manipulation)

Both of them have SEVERE trust issues (Shadowheart from being in a cult as well as her attempts to pit Tav against Lae'Zel because she's distrustful of her {she has good reason to be when she's carrying a Gith artifact, as well as the Githyanki's long history of brutality and oppressive regimes}, Astarion from being so severely abused by Cazador despite his attempts to please the vampire lord, both of them can latch onto Tav and trust Tav entirely too Much once they're shown a shred of decency)

Both have Extreme fear of abandonment that they deal with in different ways (Shadowheart avoids abandonment by generally pushing people away and keeping them at arm's length so she can't grow attached especially if she stays Sharran, then latches onto the player far more than she should if no longer Sharran because Tav is her last tether of trust and warmth; Astarion avoids abandonment by trying to seduce you and get in your good graces as quickly as possible)

Both have unstable self-image and identity (Astarion doesn't even remember his own face before turning into a vampire, Shadowheart has to double down and recite the Sharran dogma to herself near constantly because she is unsure of her faith and by act 2/3 has QUITE an existential crisis on her relationship with Shar and Selune and cuts her bangs and even dyes her hair if no longer Sharran)

Both have a history of unstable relationships (Shadowheart can't even remember most of her possible past relationships due to the memory wipes, the main relationship she does remember is that of her with her cruel capricious goddess Shar, and if you go Selune route in Shadowheart's personal quest she will latch onto Tav and ask them to be with her forever with the clear implication that she's afraid Tav will leave her; Astarion hadn't been able to maintain a single good relationship in his entire time under Cazador because he had to lure his lovers to his master)

Both have impulsive and self-sabotaging behaviors ESPECIALLY Astarion imo (Astarion's perceived initial hypersexuality and inability to say no to sexual intimacy for most of the game, his want to do the ritual which overall has a far worse outcome for himself and others, his attempt to feed from Tav without their consent and possibly kill them in the process, his approval and encouragement of evil actions that reinforce that Tav is not trustworthy; Shadowheart's attempt to kill Lae'Zel by holding a dagger to her throat while she slept was definitely an impulsive act, and if she throws away the spear of night in act 2 that was Definitely done by impulse and not of active thought, and her cutting and dying her hair was most definitely done on impulse imo)

Both appear to have chronic feelings of emptiness and dissociation (Astarion largely because of the chronic vampiric gnawing hunger as well as him appearing to dissociate during some sex scenes, Shadowheart feeling emptiness largely due to the loss of her memory and mind as well as her dissociating via prayer because Sharrans try to empty themselves of all emotion to feel the emptiness and loss that Shar upholds)

Both of them have appear to have varying anger issues (not as much as other characters at times, as both Karlach and Lae'Zel DEFINITELY have worse anger issues at first glance if you ask me) and different ways they deal with it (Astarion is quite murder happy about it, such as when he can kill the Gur bounty hunter without caring for Tav's input, and Shadowheart's anger and resentment towards Lae'Zel and Selunites causes her to verbally lash out at any mention of Selune while at one point physically threatening Lae'Zel with her dagger and possibly killing her if Tav doesn't intervene or eggs her on, though I think most of Shadowheart's anger is turned inward and turned into her mentally anguishing that she's not a good enough devotee to her goddess)

Both have Extreme paranoia and suspicion of others (Shadowheart is distrustful of others by default and is especially paranoid about Lae'Zel due to her being Gith, Astarion is paranoid of being taken back to Cazador and holds Tav at knifepoint at first accusing them of being the one that kidnapped him before Tav assuages his fears)

Of the BPD criteria, I'd say outright Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideation shows up in both Shart and Astarion the Least (Gale has EVERYONE beat in the suicidality department); they both most definitely want to live, though they both still do Self-Harm usually through their self-sabotaging actions. I wouldn't count Shadowheart's stigmata hand wound as Self-Harm since it was Shar that inflicted that on her and not Shadowheart inflicting it on herself. If anything, it could be argued that Shadowheart purposely doing things she knows Shar would dislike in order to activate the wound is some form of self harm possibly? Shar is her abuser so I still am firm that her wound is not Shadowheart harming herself even if she knowingly does things to activate it because it is the fault of her abuser for hurting her.

As for extreme mood swings, often times those can be pretty well concealed and be mostly internal instead of external if someone is good enough at masking their emotions. Of the party members, Shadowheart and Astarion and Gale mask their emotions the most. Karlach has pretty outward mood swings, she's very expressive, while both Shadowheart and Astarion (and Gale) are typically pretty withdrawn and wear a mask of false smiles. Shadowheart definitely seems to be chronically depressed or otherwise ruminating and not having a good time mentally. If she has mood swings they are likely turned inwards and not outwards. She does have outbursts of anger and panic indicative of rapid mood swings at times, however. Astarion's dramatic catty antics could be read as mood swings judging how he reacts to Tav's various actions. Both he and Shart are very catty.

Overall, both Shadowheart and Astarion can be read as having enough matching behaviors to the BPD criteria for me to confidently say they're coded to have BPD, even if it's not explicitly stated as such.

Sidenote, sometimes people with BPD can experience minor hallucinations especially auditory hallucinations, and Shadowheart most Definitely had auditory hallucinations of Shar judging and shaming her if you ask me. It could have actually been Shar in her head yes, but it could also just as easily have been Shadowheart's own mind tormenting her.

BPD can also possibly predispose people towards Psychosis, black and white thinking, and delusions, though it's not a definite. Astarion's obsession with completing the ritual insisting it will protect him for good could be seen as a possible delusion of grandeur. Shadowheart definitely has black-and-white dogmatic thinking while under Shar's thumb. They need so much healing.

All of this is my interpretation to support my headcanons of course, these also enable my shameless projecting on these two catty characters. I'm a borderline bitch and if I can't get a stable personality myself, store bought is fine!

A lot of stuff is speculative and that's fine with me.

#bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 spoilers #shadowheart #Astarion #mental health #headcanon #character analysis #bpd #borderline personality disorder #razz rambles #razz musings #musings #razz analysis #razz headcanons #this is not a place to shit on people with personality disorders #if anyone comes into my space and starts saying shit like 'all people with x disorders are abusive horrible people' I will block them #people with these disorders have them FROM TRAUMA!!!! THEY ARE THEMSELVES VICTIMS OF TRAUMA #NO ONE DEVELOPS THESE COPING MECHANISMS IN A VACUUM #anyways I'm totally normal about Shadowheart I swear (delusional) #razz rambles in the tags #just because I have a condition does not mean I'm a complete expert on it #i just saw what I know or have experience with

[resiliencewithin]

Babe, your body is feeling off. It deserves rest. You deserve rest. Always. Sure, you have things to do. You always will. But guess what? If you rest and feel better and more energized, which you know works for you more times than not, you will be better able to manage that list. Putting yourself and your needs at the top is never something you will regret.

#mental health #recovery #positivity #self love #resiliencewithin muses

[mindfulhavens]

Guess what, my friend?

You’re so much more talented than you allow yourself to believe.

Lean into what you’re good at and watch it bloom.

#poetry #writing #quotes #mental health #prose #musings #emotional health #positive thoughts #ruminating #positive psychology #talent

[note-boom]

Kyouka: dramatically jumps off a train

Atsushi: dramatically jumps off a blimp and a boat

Dazai: dramatically jumps off buildings and bridges

Kunikida: dramatically jumps off a helicopter

Guys. Please stop dramatically jumping off things

#am i missing anyone from the ada because i feel like i am.... #ranpo started it by dramatically getting himself kidnapped and rescued btw #and yosano dramatically fell off her sanity and mental health but shes better now #anyway it'll be a week or so before i can get back to posting immediately #i still havent watched the episode actually but all i could think of... #anyway i love these dramatic weirdos #bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd musings #humor #bsd kyouka #bsd atsushi #bsd dazai #bsd kunikida #bsd season 4 #bsd s4 spoilers #bsd spoilers #spitting nonsense

[bunnysrph]

#rph #my edit #my writing #rp help #creative writing #writing help #writing advice #writing #quotes #words #soul #letters #literature #musings #writing ideas #writing prompt #story prompt #prompts #mental health #therapy