A thought ™️: Something catching fire and roaring into a towering blaze, and Robin -who is usually calm and collected during emergency situations- collapsing into a panic attack out of the blue as the flames flicker in her eyes. Hyperventilating through sobs, tears streaming down her face; unconscious symptoms of a child’s trauma.
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I’m not sure I deserve it ..
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hmmmmgrhhf thinking bout crowley and childhood trauma and abandonment and rage again
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my reaction to seeing people compare the real and horrifying reality of childhood SA and violence to fictional characters who will never experience pain or emotion:
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If I died would anyone even care?
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the multiple episodes where rick explicitly is disgusted by child predators to the point someone trying to sexually assault morty immediately makes him actually comfort morty n also crazy murder the assaulter
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When it came to romance, Hanna found herself drawn to individuals mirroring the chaos she had grown up with. Over the past few years, therapy and introspection became essential tools, aiding her in breaking the cycle she was entangled in.
Reflecting on her past, she recognized that her attraction to self-centered and abusive men was deeply rooted in her childhood. The absence of her father, and her mother prioritizing her relationships over caring for Hanna, had created a belief that she was unwanted and unlovable. The pursuit for validation and affection became a recurring theme in her later life, with each relationship unfolding in a familiar pattern – lies, hurt, apologies, promises of change, and declarations of love and need followed by a brief period of bliss. But with each breakup, Hanna's self-esteem took another hit. The unfulfilled promises became a twisted affirmation, reinforcing the belief that she was the source of the problem.
Scrolling through her phone's gallery, Hanna thought about the two years that had passed since her divorce. As she compared the older and more recent pictures, she saw the journey from a fragile, thin, and pale woman to one with bright eyes and a confident smile. But despite the visible transformation, deep-seated doubts about her worth lingered within. On some days, these doubts sought to assert themselves. Nevertheless, she faced this internal struggle with unwavering bravery.
Hanna's gaze settled on a recently taken picture, and she knew instantly – this was the one. With that, her carefully crafted profile was complete.
[Hanna, 30
Brindleton Bay
Photographer by day, hopeless romantic by night]
previous / beginning / next
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“Parents aren’t supposed to bury their kids “
I tell myself
But then parents aren’t supposed to do a lot of things to their children
So I guess it won’t matter if they did this one more thing
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children's mental health worsens in gaza as israeli bombing continues
'Anxiety, nightmares and self-harm': How Israel is pushing children’s mental health beyond breaking point in Gaza (newarab.com)
WCNSF - Wounded Child No Surviving Family
91% of children in Gaza were diagnosed with PTSD prior to the current israeli bombing campaign. more than half thought about suicide & self-harm
palestinian children are 'ripping out their hair' and 'scratching their thighs till they bleed'
"if my hand survived, this is my name" - palestinian children write their names on their bodies to be identified if they die
"every single palestinian right now feels that humanity is a delusion"
"death is everywhere. my children look into my eyes every day, they are searching for answers. i have no answers for them"
"we are running out of words to raise the alarm in strong enough terms or to articulate the scale of children's suffering"
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The more you and your results are not acknowledged when you are little, the more you feel useless and put aside, unworthy and unlovable. The more you get yelled at even for just trying to be fun, the more you have to deal with anger and control. Basically the more you are caged and controlled in your early life, and not acknowledged as a human being, the less easy becomes to free yourself, to see that you can free yourself, that you have the power to get out of that cage and live the way you want to, and that it is gonna be safe.
Maybe a bit uncomfortable at the beginning, but it is safe even if you now feel like your actual position is the one you belong to, the one you need to stay in, the one you cannot get out of, the one you deserve because your caregivers made you think so, the one you even started to feel safe in by habit, but that you know is not your place. Build yourself your own type of safe place and never make it a closed cage, be free.
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How can I forget when I can feel you near me?
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When abusive parents hurt you, they're not 'doing it for your own good' or 'disciplining you', they're singling you out and making you a target. Because they're not doing it to all other kids, they're not doing it to their guests, friends, coworkers, bosses, neighbours, it doesn't even count if all of those people make one of the same mistakes you do. It's allowed for them. It's okay if anyone else does it. It's okay if other people break things, or refuse to be controlled, or speak up, or demand something, or act selfish, or act childish, or don't cater endlessly, or don't guess their moods, or don't act submissive, it's okay for everyone else! Just not for you!
What exactly is that teaching you?
That you're different. That the brutal and torturous rules exist only for you. That you are the only one who deserves no allowances, no forgiveness, no gentleness, no tolerance, no nuance, no love. And you are the only one! Everyone else can get those things and do what they want, but you will get tortured for it, you'll get tortured even for things you didn't do, because these two people have singled you out and deserved that you're so rotten you deserve worse treatment than any other person alive. And those people are your parents, they made you.
It teaches you injustice, it teaches you to put yourself in a different category than anyone else in the world and to assume you must be so intrinsically different that you won't ever find community, you won't ever find somebody to be on your side or similar to you, because you are the only one who could ever deserve this kind of hatred. It separates you from humanity and makes you feel like you don't belong, like you don't have a home here, it makes you abandoned by everyone because nobody is stating anything different about you. With their silence, dismissal and neglect, everyone is passively agreeing that this is what you deserve. That it doesn't matter to them if you live in pain and despair because you're too different, too otherworldly for them to care about.
No child has deserved to feel like that. Nobody is supposed to be pushed into that pit of despair, injustice and pain, alone, with no visible way out. With nothing they can do to redeem themselves, to find a way to see themselves as human after all that's been done to them. This is not a pit that somebody can easily crawl out of, this is something that can follow you all your life.
All children deserve better than this. Never defend abusive parents when they do this to a child. If you don't want a child to believe themselves to be a monster, don't ignore when this is happening and don't act like it's none of anybody's business. It's all of our business to make sure no kid thinks this lowly of themselves, not even if their parents decide they should. Parents who do this to children should be charged with torture, isolation and psychological devastation of a human being. All children are human. And no child deserves that.
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2.28 Stay With Me
Lexie: What happened?
Chantal: We were at my mom’s house and Jimmy just walked in. He tried to talk to Johnny but Destiny and I weren’t about to let that happen.
Cece: That son of a bitch!
Lexie: Oh my God. Is he ok?
Chantal: Mostly. He’s been sleeping, but he asked for you a couple of times.
[Lexie gets into Johnny's bed and gently shakes him awake]
Lexie: Johnny?
Johnny: Lexie! You’re here!
Lexie: What do you need?
Johnny: Please just hold me.
[Lexie wraps her arms around him]
Johnny: I just thought I was doing better and then I saw him, and I just…
Lexie: It’s ok to feel afraid after what you’ve been through. It doesn’t mean you haven’t made any progress.
Johnny: I guess. Standing there I felt just the same as I did when I was a kid. I felt so small and vulnerable. I wish I would’ve hit him or yelled at him or something. Anything other than running away like a coward.
Lexie: Hitting him wouldn’t have made you feel better, even if he deserves it. And you’re not a coward. He is. Otherwise he wouldn’t have targeted a little boy who couldn’t fight back.
Johnny: Well, I’m not a little boy anymore. I’m a man. Or at least I’m supposed to be.
Lexie: You’re more of a man than he’ll ever be. You have the biggest heart, Johnny. You do so much to make other people feel loved. You’re so understanding and empathetic…he’ll never know how it feels to love like you do.
Johnny: I guess. Lexie?
Lexie: Yeah?
Johnny: Please just stay with me, ok? Don’t leave me.
Lexie: I won’t. I’ll stay right here.
Previous | Beginning of story | Beginning of chapter | Next
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