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allthehorrormovies · 4 years

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A+1 - A blend of American Pie and Scream, but surprisingly better than that sounds. Outlining the plot would give away the twist, which tips its hand early on, yet ends in a gratifying manner. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Make love, not war.

Alien - A friend remarked how this film likely wouldn’t be made today. It’s shot too dark. It’s quiet, purposefully. There’s no action for much of the first half; more a study in isolated labor and worker exploitation. And there’s not a “star,” outside of teenage dreamboat Harry Dean Stanton. Actors like Sir Ian Holm Cuthbert were selected for their ability, not their stature within Hollywood, as production took place in London. As Robert Ebert said, “These are not adventurers, but workers.” We’re lucky it was made, supposedly, in part because the success of Star Wars pushed the studio to quickly release their own space movie. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sigourney Weaver is the ultimate Final Girl.

Aliens - The deliberate, slow pace of Alien is replaced by James Cameron’s grandiose action, backed by four times the original budget. Like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s amazing that both films avoid “the disease of more.” Cameron’s characters are too often weighed down by punch-line dialogue, but all the elements together somehow work. Ripley’s character begins to move past being a simple pilot and into a warrior woman, for better and worse. The studio originally tried to write her out of the sequel due to a contract dispute, but Cameron thankfully refused to make the film without her. There are people out there who prefer Aliens to Alien, and that’s fine. They are wrong, but that’s fine. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien³ - David Fincher has famously disowned his directorial debut, citing studio deadlines for its poor quality. Compared to the first two films, it certainly is a failure. Though gorier, the scenes with the digital alien look terrible upon re-viewing. The various writers and scripts, some potentially interesting—especially William Gibson’s version, and changing cinematographers and the insertion of Fincher late into production doomed the project from the start. All that said, the movie itself isn’t terrible—parts are even good, but what feels like a midway point in Ripley’s saga is ultimately her end, and that feels cheap. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien: Covenant - The maddening mistakes of Prometheus absent, this sequel is a tense, action-packed killer of a flick. Scott claims a third prequel is in the works that will tie everything back to Alien, which is . . . fine? It’s just that the first film was so great and everything else since then seems so unnecessary. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien Resurrection - The aliens look better than ever before, but Joss Whedon’s dialogue is simply annoying and the casting is horrible. Ripley has super powers and kills her large adult alien son. Winona Ryder decides crashing a space ship into Paris, killing untold millions, is the best way to get rid of the aliens for some reason. It’s fucking dumb and cost $70 million to make. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. In the special edition intro, director Jean-Pierre Jeunet says he didn’t change much in the re-release because he was proud of the theatrical version. Baffling.

Amer - This Belgian-French film is a tribute to the Italian tradition of giallo, a stylized, thriller told in three sections that directors like Suspiria’s Dario Argento pioneered. Mostly wordless, there’s not much plot, more a series of moments in a women’s life revolving around terrifying, sexual moments that ends in murder and madness. There are some terrific scenes, but it’s more of an art piece than movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

An American Werewolf in London - Funny and scary all at once, setting the bar almost impossibly high for all that followed. Rick Baker's special effects catapult this movie into greatness. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Ebert was right, though; it doesn’t really have an ending.

Annihilation - Perhaps more of a sci-fi thriller than a horror movie. But due to some terrifying monsters scenes, I’m going to include it. Apparently writer/director Alex Garland wrote the screenplay after reading the first book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, giving the movie a different overall plot. Garland’s sleek style that made Ex Machina so wonderful is replaced by “The Shimmer,” which gives the film a strange glow. The ending relies too much on digital special effects that looked more gruesome in earlier segments, detracting from its intended impact. Still, a few key scenes, especially the mutated bear, are downright terror-inducing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first found the constant flashbacks unnecessary, but viewed as a refraction on Portman’s mind as well as her body make them more forgiving.

The Babadook - Creepy and nearly a perfect haunted horror movie, except for some final tense moments that too quickly try to switch to sentimental, which leaves their earnestness falling flat. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Dook. Dook. Dook.

The Babysitter (2017) - One of Netflix’s original movies, this one pays off in gore and borrows heavily from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World-style jokes. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Meh. It’s cheesy and cliché, but whaddaya gonna do?

Backcountry - Don’t be fooled thinking this is like Jaws “but with a bear,” as I did. Unsympathetic characters and zero tension make this movie a drag to watch. At the start, you think, “Who cares if these assholes get eaten by a bear? They wandered into bear country without a map.” By the end, you’re actively cheering for the bear to eat the boyfriend and only a little sympathetic for the lead character. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. To her credit, Missy Peregrym does a fine job of being a mostly lone protagonist.

Basket Case - Cult director Frank Henenlotter‘s debut starts as a creepy, bloody horror movie, but staggers after showing the monster too soon and then tries to fill time with unnecessary backstory and extended scenes of screams and blood that would have otherwise been eerily good if executed more subtly. Despite not being very good, it’s at least somewhat interesting and kind of impressive considering its low budget. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Battle Royal - I’m not convinced this is a horror movie, it’s more just a gory action flick. But hey, oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun, but not as great as many people seem to believe.

The Beyond - Considered one of Lucio Fulci’s greatest films, it might be a bit disappointing to newcomers of his work. Certainly the style and impressive gore are at their highest, but the muddled plot and poor dubbing distract from the overall effect. Fabio Frizzi‘s score is, for the most part, a great addition, however, certain key moments have an almost circus-like tone, which dampens what should be fear-inducing scenes. It’s easy to see why some fans absolutely love this movie while some critics absolutely hate it. In the end, it’ll please hardcore horror fans, but likely bore others. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Beyond the Gates - Two estranged brothers are sucked into an all-too-real game of survival after finding a mysterious VHS board game following the disappearance of their father. The plot is fun and original, but the lead actors aren’t all that engaging and the special effects look rather outdated for a 2016 release. Still, it’s an enjoyable watch. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Christmas - A slasher that starts out with potential, but never gets all that scary or gory, though it’s well made. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Margot Kidder gets a kid drunk.

Black Sheep (2006) - A hilarious, gory take on zombie sheep. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Sunday - The Mask of Satan (aka Black Sunday) is totally my new superhero/metal band name. If you're a fan of older horror, this one is not-to-miss. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Vengeance, vampires, Satan worship, castles, curses, and a buxom heroine, this movie is pretty damn dark for a 1960's black & white film.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter - Scores points for a couple of horrific scenes and a fairly good switcheroo, but mostly too slowly paced to capture the viewer’s attention. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Emma Roberts continues her path to being the modern Scream Queen.

The Birds - Hithcock’s film was, by no means, the first horror movie. German, Japanese, and UK directors had explored witches, demons, and the classic monsters decades earlier. But, The Birds is a landmark film, like Psycho, for pioneering a new wave of modern horror. It was, perhaps, the first time female sexuality and ecological revenge had been combined to create an unsettling tale with an ambiguous ending. And the rather graphic scenes of found corpses, combined with a minimalist score, are nearly as shocking today as when the film was first released. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Braindead - It's Bill Pulman and Bill Paxton in a 1980s B-horror; what more do you need? Most people won't enjoy this campy fart of nonsense, but try pulling your TV outside and getting good and drunk. Anything's good then. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. “The universe is just a wet dream."

The Brood - No where near as polished as Scanners or Videodrome, but still a creepy, well-made film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Bucket of Blood - This black & white 1959 film from Roger Corman is more dark comedy than horror, but it’s a absurdly fun critique of beatnik culture written by Corman’s partner on Little Shop of Horrors. Dick Miller gives a great performance, and with a run time of about an horror, the pacing feels relatively quick for an older film. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Byzantium - The tale of two British vampires who live like wandering gypsies, setting up a low-rent brothel in a seaside town despite being immortal badasses because the all-powerful, all-male secret vampire club is trying to kill them, because . . . no girls allowed? It’s unclear. The vampires are of the more modern type—they go out during the day and receive their curse from a geological location than from one another. Still, overall the movie is better than it has to be. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever - Eli Roth’s directorial debut isn’t awful, but it certain could have been better considering Roth credits Carpenter’s The Thing as its inspiration. The homophobic jokes date the movie more than the alt-rock soundtrack and the repetitive scenes reminding viewers of how the mysterious disease spreads (at apparently differing rates depending on the character) during the conclusion end up creating a weird kind of plot hole. To his credit, some of the nods to The Thing are OK. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever - That Ti West made this pseudo-campy and outright bad movie during the same period that he made The House of the Devil is perplexing. The style, pace, and subtly that make The House of the Devil an enjoyable film are nonexistent in this cash-grab sequel. West apparently hated the final cut and requested his name be removed from the project. That said, I kind of like this movie better than the original. I’ve always found Roth’s praise of his directorial debut to be odd, as it’s not very good. For what it’s worth, this movie isn’t trying to be anything other than what it is: a tasteless, bad horror movie. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Retcons the plot hole in the first movie, at least.

The Cabin in the Woods - As good of a spoof of the horror genre as one could hope. Stereotypical with an O'Henry twist at every turn, this movie is good for an afternoon viewing, much like Tucker & Dale vs Evil. Without giving much away, if you think about it, The Cabin In the Woods is like a weird PSA about how marijuana will destroy all of mankind. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun and gory with something for everyone.

Candyman - Decades later, it’s not as easy to see why Candyman was such a landmark movie. It’s a bit slow, stumbles in places, and some of the acting is only serviceable. However, the story itself (based on Clive Baker’s original) is—on paper at least—good. Critics at the time were rightfully hesitant to praise a movie simply for having a black villain, especially when his origin is based on racial violence, but Tony Todd’s portrayal is so terrifying it launches the character into one of the all time great horror monsters. Add in Philip Glass’s soundtrack and Candyman reigns among other classics without being a top contender. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Carrie - I saw this movie on TV a long time ago, but I had forgotten much of the film, especially the opening scene of slow motion nudity (aren't these girls supposed to be in high school?!). The remake of this movie is likely going to be bad, but the original is so good I'll probably go see it. What can be said? Pig's blood. Fire. Religious indoctrination. Sexual overtones. There's a reason Brain de Palma's version of Steven King's story became so culturally important. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. This movie holds up, even today.

Carrie (2013) - Though nothing is glaringly bad, and the added back-story decently pulled off by Julian Moore as the mother, almost every scene is a shadow of the original. Which is unfortunate considering that the remake of Let The Right One In managed to find a somewhat more unique tone. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Largely unnecessary.

The Changeling - George C. Scott does a fine job as a mourning husband haunted by an unfamiliar spirit. Not the most exciting movie, but pretty decent. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It might’ve ranked higher, but there are no half stars here. 

Cheerleader Massacre - This movie looks like someone shot it in their backyard with an earl 90s handheld camcorder . . . in high school. This is just embarrassing, for me too. The actors seem to be exotic dancers or adult film stars, who haven’t been asked back for a shift in a while. Alright, I skipped through this because the quality was so low. At around minute 41 there's a bathtub scene with three naked women, which culminates in one licking chocolate sauce off each other’s breasts. Some people die. Two of the naked women survive, I think. The house they all go to in the beginning of the movie - a ski lodge, I guess - burns down, or doesn't. Whatever. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. Just watch actual porn.

Child’s Play - While only OK, I understand how this became a franchise. Melted Chucky is terrifying. The villain can hop from vessel to vessel, unfortunately through some kind of voodoo racist bullshit. The characters are shallow, but serviceable. For such a big budget movie, it’s weird that it ends so abruptly. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Children of the Corn - Damn, this movie is boring. Linda Hamilton does the World's Least Sexy Birthday Striptease. The characters are joking quite a bit having just run over a child, whose dead body is rattling around in the trunk. What was the casting call like for this movie? "Wanted: Ugly children. Must look illiterate." All in all, things turn out pretty good for our protagonists. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. For something that spurred at least five other movies, this was remarkably uninspiring.

City of the Living Dead - The dialogue is awkward and the plot a bit convoluted, but the special effects hold up and the overall story is good. The first of Lucio Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. Apparently when the movie was screened in L.A., Fulci was booed. 3 of 5 pumpkins. Poor Bob the Simple Pervert.

Climax - Gaspar Noé is known for making viewers feel as uncomfortable possible with his experimental style film making. Which is fine. But that discomfort rarely lands to move me outside the initial shock. Climax is, surprisingly, more like a Suspiria remake than the actual 2018 remake. That, however, doesn’t make it good. The really shocking moments aren’t all that shocking and the cultural commentary isn’t very deep. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just, well, unnecessary. The dance scenes are extraordinary, so at least it’s got that going for it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Color Out of Space - An enjoyable, albiet uneven, film that does a lot with little. A head-trip type of home invasion movie that pulls you in. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring - It’s easy to see why so many people love this movie. It’s well-acted, it has jump-out-of-your-seat scares, and incorporates several classic fear elements. Considering the mediocre, at best, tiredly worn horror movies that slump to torture porn for shock value coming out recently, The Conjuring stands above its peers. Still, there’s nothing original about the movie. 3 out 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring 2 - Billed as more shocking than the original, this sequel likely lands better in theaters with it’s jump-cut scares and action flick sequences. On the home screen, however, the overly dramatic elements are too far flung to seem like a haunting based on true events. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep (2014) - Nails the P.O.V. angle without going too far down the overly-used “found footage.” Mark Duplass is terrifying and without his ability to carry the film, the entire concept could have easily fallen flat. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep 2 - Mark Duplass pleasantly surprises with a sequel that, while not as *ahem* creepy as the first, builds out the world of his serial killer in a manner that is engaging and ends with the potential for more. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Crimes of Passion - Technically it’s an “erotic thriller,” but given Ken Russell in the director’s chair and Anthony Perkins as the villain, I’m adding it to this list. Unfortunately, it’s not a great film. Kathleen Turner surpasses over acting in some scenes, and the rest of the cast is pretty forgettable. If the plot revolved around Perkins’s character, it might have been more of a horror flick. Instead revolves around loveless marriage and the fucked up issues of sexuality in America, attempting to say . . . something, but never really making a point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Russell has got an obsession with death dildos. I don’t know what to do with that information. Just an observation.

Crimson Peak - Guillermo del Toro is a complicated director. He’s created some truly remarkable films, but has also created some borderline camp. Crimson Peak splits the difference, much in the same way Pacific Rim does. If you’re a deep fan of a particular genre, in this case Victorian-era romance, then the movie can be an enjoyable addition to the category with its own voice. If you’re not, then the movie’s more eye-roll-inducing moments are less a nod to fandom and more of an uninvited addition to what could be a straight forward film. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Beautiful, but lacking.

Cronos - This del Toro film is a must-see for any fan of his current work. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Even if you're not usually a fan of foreign films, you'll likely appreciate this modern take on the vampire mythology.

Dagon - To be honest, I feel like I should watch this one again. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess, but there are some wacky, gory moments at the end. Similar in tone and style to Dead and Buried. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Seriously, like the last 20 minutes cram so much plot it’s just a series of wtf moments until hitting incest and then nothing really matters.

Darling - Well shot in beautiful black and white with an excellence score, Darling really should receive a better score. However, it fails to be more than the sum of its parts. Borrowing liberally from Kubrick’s one-point perspective and Polanski’s Repulsion in nearly every other way, the film is decent, but fumbles in deciding whether to convince the audience of a clear plot, leaving viewers with closure, yet unsatisfied. Still, worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Daughters of Darkness - A Belgian/French erotic vampire film that isn’t as erotic or vampiric as one might hope. Still, legend Delphine Seyrig shines so brightly, it’s catapults are relatively boring film into near greatness. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dawn of the Dead - The best zombie movie ever made. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Day of the Dead - George A. Romero’s end to a near-perfect trilogy isn’t as good as its predecessors, but it’s gorier and somehow more depressing, even with the ending. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dead and Burried - Starts with a bang, but lags in the middle. The ending tries too hard to surprise you, yet, by the time it’s over you kind of don’t care. Surprisingly well acted and good, creepy tale. Might not be everyone’s bag, but if you’re a tried-and-true horror fan, you’ll enjoy the movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The movie was written by Dan O’Bannon, famed for writing Alien. O’Bannon worked with John Carpenter on a short in film school, quit being a computer animator on Star Wars to be a screenwriter, and became broke and homeless after attaching himself to Jodorowsky’s doomed Dune. He later went on to direct The Return of The Living Dead and write Total Recall.

Dead Snow - A Nazi zombie bites off a dude's dick. Do you really need any other details? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Germans be crazy.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - Not as good as its predecessor, but still fun. Plus, more children die. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Why all the gay jokes, though?

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats - OK, my first nit-pick is that the bed doesn’t eat people so much as it dissolves people. But it still makes chewing sounds? Whatever. A bizarre concept that swings for seriousness and utterly fails due to its lack of plot and extremely low budget. Kinda of weird, but ultimately pretty boring. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Death Spa - Hilariously bad. Super 80s. I can’t say this is a good film, but I would recommend watching it for the kitsch value. What if a ghost haunted a gym? Instant money maker. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: the project came about due to shepherding from Walter Shenson, who got rich producing A Hard Day’s Night and Help!, and the lead actor, who plays a gym manager, was an actual gym manager in L.A. at the time.

Deathgasm - Imagine if Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was about a New Zealand metal band and not as good, but still pretty OK. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Deep Red (aka Profondo Rosso, aka The Hatchet Murders) - Dario Argento’s 1975 film is more polished than 1977′s Suspiria, which is a bit surprising. However, that doesn’t necessarily make it a better film. Where Suspirira’s fever dream colors and superior soundtrack, also by Goblin, shines, Deep Red doesn’t quite land. The camera work here is better, though, as is much of acting. But there’s a lot of let downs, such as the opening psychic bowing out and never really coming up again, the boorish male lead and oddly timed humor, and the final reveal, which is anti-climatic. Still, an overall great horror movie. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Def by Tempation - I really enjoyed this film, despite it not being the most skillful directed or the most incredible script. The plot is compelling, the jokes are pretty funny, and the angles and lighting are really well done despite the limited budget. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Admittedly, Kadeem Hardison nostalgia helps.

Demons - Multiple people recommended this to me, and I can see why considering the Dario Argento connection. Unfortunately, the premise is more exciting than the execution. Poorly acted and poorly dubbed, the gore doesn’t do enough to hold one’s attention. There’s a scene where a guy rides around on a dirt bike killing demons with a samurai sword. At least that happens. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Is the ticket-taker in on it? She works in the demon theater, right? So, why is she being hunted? Also, where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

The Descent - Some of Earth’s hottest, most fit women embark on a spelunking adventure with a recently traumatized friend. Aside from a couple of lazy devices that put the team in greater peril than necessary, the movie quickly and cleverly puts the cavers into a horrifying survival scenario that few others in the genre have matched. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Without giving too much away, be sure you get the original, unrated cut before watching this flick.

The Devil’s Backbone - Though del Toro’s debut, Cronos, is more original and imaginative, this is much more honed. Not necessarily frightening, but tense and dreadful through out, laying open the horror war inflicts on all it touches. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Devil’s Candy - More of a serial killer thriller than a horror, but the supernatural elements raise this movie to better-than-average heights. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The real lesson is this movie is that cops won’t save you, ONLY METAL CAN SAVE YOU!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - The biggest upside to this movie is that it was produced by Guillermo del Toro. The biggest downside is that it's not directed by Guillermo del Toro. Still, the director gets credit for making a child the main character; never an easy task. To the little girl's credit, she's a better actor than Katie Holmes, no surprise, and Guy Pierce. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. With a bit more gore and stylistic pauses, this could have been a 4. This movie proves why killing kids is more fun than kids who kill, and also that every male protagonist in every horror movie is dumb dick.

Don’t Look Now - Well-acted and interesting, Nicolas Roeg’s adaptation is a high-water mark of the 1970s premier horror. The only real complaint is that the ending—while good and obviously ties it all together—is nonsensical. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Donald Sutherland fucks.

Event Horizon - “This ship is fucked.” “Fuck this ship!” “Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see.” These are quotes from, and also the plot of, Event Horizon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The most disturbing part of the whole production might be Sam Neil’s attempt to be a sexual icon.

The Evil Dead - Though The Shining is the best horror movie ever made, The Evil Dead is my favorite. Funny, creepy, well-shot on a shoestring budget, it's the foundation for most modern horror flicks, more so than Night of the Living Dead in some fashions. See it immediately, if you haven't. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bruce fuckin' Campbell.

Evil Dead (2013) - Not entirely bad, and even takes the original plot in more realistic places, like the character having to detox. But is that what we really need? The fun of the original is its low budget, odd humor, and DIY grit. I guess if you really want a “darker” version, it’s this. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Better than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, about as good as the Carrie remake, I guess.

Evil Dead II - I have to respect Sam Raimi because it’s like he got more budget and did everything possible to try and make this movie suck just as a fuck you to the studio. All the creepy parts of the original are over-the-top, there’s zero character development—just faces on a stage, and it’s seemingly a crash-grab to set up Army of Darkness more than anything else. That said, it’s kind of boring outside of a couple gory scenes. It’s fun, but not that funny. It’s scary, but more gauche than anything. An exercise in excess, yet a decent one somehow. My biggest complaint is that Evil Dead is great with Bruce Campbell, but would have been good with almost anyone; whereas Evil Dead II is only good because it’s Bruce Campbell. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark - This movie is nothing but puns and tit jokes. But clever ones! Pretty okay with that. Or maybe it's a statement on third-wave feminism in spoof form? Probably not. At one point an old people orgy breaks out at a small town morality picnic, but it's a PG-13 movie so it doesn't get very fun. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Boooooooooobs.

Elvira's Haunted Hills - A pretty disappointing follow-up to what was a fun, 1980s romp. Instead of poking fun at uptight Protestants, Elvira’s just kind of a dick to her servant. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Even the boob jokes are flat.

The Endless - More sci-fi than horror, and not the most deftly produced, still an original concept that’s pulled off well. 3 out 5 pumpkins. Maybe this should get a higher ranking. It’s good! Not exactly scary, but good.

Equinox - Decided to give another older Criterion Collection film a try. Though there are some clever tricks in the movie, especially for its time -- like an extended cave scene that's just a black screen -- the poor sound, monsters that look children's toys, and general bad acting drag this movie down to nothing but background noise that's easy to ignore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Whatever contributions this movie may have made to the industry, its not worth your time unless studying for a film class.

Excision - Less of an outright horror movie and more of a disturbing tale of a young necrophiliac, the film tries its best to summon the agnst of being a teen, but falls short of better takes, like Teeth. Still, pretty good. Traci Lords is great and John Waters plays a priest. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Exorcist - The slow pace and attention to character backstory is more moving than the shocking scenes you've no doubt heard about, even if you haven't seen the film. The pacing is slow compared to most movies today, but the drawn out scenes, like in Rosemary's Baby, help convey the sense of dread. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Believe.

Eyes Without a Face - One of the more remarkable things about this French 1960′s near-masterpiece is how carefully it walked the line between gore and taboo topics in order to pass European standards. The villain isn’t exactly sympathetic, but carries at least some humanity, giving the story a more realistic, and therefore more frightening quality. The only, only thing that holds this film back is the carnivalesque soundtrack that could have been foreboding. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. A must watch for any horror fan.

The Fly - Cronenberg's fan-favorite film is delightful, though it’s not as great as Scanners or Videodrome, in my humble opinion. Jeff Goldblum is, of course, terrific. If you haven’t seen it, see it! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Where’d he get the monkey, though? Seems like it’d be hard to just order a monkey. The 80s were wild, man.

The Fog - A rare miss for John Carpenter’s earlier work. There’s nothing outright wrong or bad about this movie, but it’s not particularly scary and the plot is rather slow. That said, it’s soundly directed. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re a Carpenter fan, it’s still worth watching.

Forbidden World - Another Roger Corman cult classic, this one made immediately after the much larger budget Galaxy of Terror, mostly because Corman had spent so much on the first set (designed by James Cameron) and thought of a way to make another low-budget flick with a much smaller cast and recycled footage from Battle Beyond the Stars. Even more of a complete rip-off of Alien, with some Star Wars and 2001: A Space Odyssey bit sprinkled in. Perhaps because it’s far less serious and revels in its pulp, it’s somehow better than Galaxy of Terror, which is more ambitious—you know, for a Corman b-movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No worm sex scene, though.

Frankenhooker - Frank Henenlotter‘s 1990 black comedy is over-the-top in almost every way, perhaps best encapsulated by the introduction of Super Crack that makes sex workers, and one hamster, explode. But with a title like Frankenhooker, you get what you expect. Hell, it even manages to sneak in an argument for legalizing prostitution. If you’re a fan of zany, exploitation in the vein of Re-Animator, you’ll enjoy it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Friday the 13th - Terrifically balanced between campy and creepy, with a soundtrack that’s twice as good as it needs to be. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching every year.

The Frighteners - Michael J. Fox, everyone! Robert Zemeckis & Peter Jackson - ugh. It didn't even take 20 minutes for the racial stereotypes to kick in. Unlike the trope of youth in most horror movies, everyone in this movie looks old. Holy shit, did anyone else remember Frank Busey was in this movie? Michael J. Fox is a bad driver in this movie. He was also in a car accident that gave him supernatural sense. Jokes. Apparently they tried to make it look like this movie was shot in the Midwestern United States, but it was filmed in New Zealand. It's clearly a coastal or water based mountain town, in like dozens of shots. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Cheesy without being completely campy, it's also family friendly. If this were any other genre, this would likely be a two.

From Beyond - Stewart Gordon’s follow-up to Re-Animator isn’t as fun, even with some impressively gory special effects. Viewers are throw into a story with little regard for character, which doesn’t really matter, but is still a bit of a left down when you find yourself wondering how a BDSM-inclined psychiatrist builds a bomb from scratch. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It’ll stimulate your pineal gland!

Funny Games (2007) - A fairly straightforward home invasion horror achieves greatness thanks to Michael Haneke‘s apt directing and powerful performances by Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt. Like with Psycho, some of the most horrifying parts are what comes after. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The fourth wall breaking is an odd touch, but thankfully and surprisingly doesn’t distract.

The Fury - Brian De Palma’s follow-up to Carrie is a major let down. Despite a fairly charismatic Kirk Douglas and score by John Williams, the two-hour run time drags and drags. Attempting to combine horror and an action-thriller, the film waffles between genres without ever rising above either. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s not explicitly bad; just a bore to watch.

Galaxy of Terror - Roger Corman produced this movie as was to try and capitalize off the success of Alien, but even with that shallow motivation it’s better than it needed to be. Staring Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and celebrated actor Ray Walston, Galaxy of Terror has an uneven cast, made all the more puzzling by Sid Haig. Though “the worm sex scene” is likely the reason it achieved cult status, James Cameron’s production is top-notch and was clearly the foundation for his work on Aliens. The ending even hints at the future of Annihilation. Does all this make it a good movie? Not really, but it’s not terrible either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Get Out - A marvelous debut for Jordan Peele, who—given his comedy background—was able to land some downright chilling moments alongside some mostly well-timed jokes. Unfortunately, not all of them as well timed, especially the drop-in moments with the lead character’s TSA buddy. Peele originally had the film end less optimistically, but wanted audiences to ultimately walk away feeling good. Maybe not the most artistic choice, but certainly the smart one given the film’s acclaim. It’s easy to see why Get Out has cemented itself alongside The Stepford Wives as a smart, “in these times” commentary about society, but it’s also just a really well-paced, well-shot, well-acted film. With two other horror projects immediately set, it’ll be exciting to see just how much Peele will add to the genre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. America’s worst movie critic, Armond White, said Get Out was “an Obama movie for Tarantino fans” as if that was a bad thing. Idiot.

Ginger Snaps - A delightfully playful but still painful reminder of what it was like being a teenager while still being a gore-fest. A must for anyone who was emo. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Out by sixteen or dead on the scene.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night - An almost flawless picture. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: nearly everyone in this movie is insanely hot.

Green Room - Surviving a white supremacist rally in the Pacific Northwest is no joke. The region is the unfortunate home to violently racist gangs, clinging to the last shreds of ignorant hate. Though fading, some of the movements mentioned in the movie, like the SHARPs, are grounded in recent history. Mainly a gory survival-flick, the movie sneaks in some surprisingly tone-appropriate humor. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No one’s island band should be Misfits.

A Ghost Story (2017) - Yes, this isn’t a horror. It’s a drama. Don’t care; including it anyway. It’s unnerving in the way that it makes you consider your own mortality and the lives of the people who you’ve touched, and how all of that won’t last as long as an unfeeling piece of furniture or the wreckage of home soon forgot. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ghostbusters (1984) - “It’s true. This man has no dick.” 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (1978) - One of the best openings of any horror film. John Carpenter is a genius. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (2018) - Eh. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hardware - A very unhelpful Marine brings home some post-apocalyptic trash that tries to kill him and his girlfriend, who could absolutely do better than him. Horribly shot and nonsensical, it doesn’t push the boundaries of filth or gore its cult fans adore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Do not recommend.

The Haunting (1963) - Not exactly the scariest of movies, but damn well made and just dripping with gay undertones. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Theo is queen femme daddy and we are all here for it.

Haunting on Fraternity Row - The acting is surprisingly decent, but the supernatural elements don’t even start until halfway into the movie, which begins as a sort of handheld, POV style conceit and then abandons all pretense of that set up. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Not at all scary, but maybe it will make you nostalgic for frat parties, cocaine, and failed threesomes. So.

The Haunting of Julia - Apparently parents in 1970s Britain didn't receive proper Hymlic maneuver treatment, which perhaps made for an epidemic of dead children. As promising as that premise might be, an hour into this movie and there hasn't been any actual haunting. There's a stylish gay best friend (he owns a furniture store) and a dumb dick of an ex-husband, a scene of library research, mistaken visions, etc. All the standards are here, except for the haunting parts. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Well shot but absolutely boring, this is more about a woman's struggle with depression than a horror flick.

Head Count - A great premises that falters in key moments, making the sum of its parts less than its promising potential. For example, there’s no reason to show a CGI monster when you’ve already established its a shape-shifter, the scariest part is that they could be anybody! 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II - I really dislike this movie, not because it’s especially bad, but because it’s a lazy continuation of the first film. Yes, there are a couple of scenes that are squeamishly good, but it spends too much time rehashing the plot of the first and then ending in some grandiose other dimension that has not real impact. Part of the terrifying elements of the first is that the horror is confined to one room in one house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It really only gets this many pumpkins because of the mattress scene.

Hellraiser - Truly the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s easy to see why this film became a cult-classic and continues to horrify audiences. That said, the plot is a bit simplistic. Not that the plot is the heart of the film; the objective is for viewers to experience squeamish body mutilation and overall dread, and in that regard it truly delivers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hereditary - Toni Collette is a treasure in this dramatic horror about family and loss. Though the truly terrifying bits take too long to ramp up, resulting in a jumbled conclusion, the film is engrossing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hocus Pocus - Admittedly, this movie isn’t very good. But its nostalgic charm and constant virgin jokes earns it a higher ranking that it deserves. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “Max likes your yabbos. In fact, he loves them.”

Honeymoon - Often described as a modern twist on Rosemary’s Baby, this debut from promising director Leigh Janiak takes its time before getting truly creepy. Though there are some gruesome moments, the tense feeling is bound to the two leads, who are able to keep a lingering sense of dread alive without much else to play off. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Host - I was skeptical of this Korean movie based on the sub-par visual affects, but the script, actors, and cinematography were all much better than expected. A genre-bender, as my friend who recommended it described, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you're a fan of movies like Slither, you'll love this movie.

Hot Fuzz - Second in Three Flavours Cornetto and probably the worst, but still a great movie that gets better on repeat viewing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

House - A part of the Critereon Collection, this 1977 Japanese movie is a trip and a half that follows the untimely demise of some school girls going to visit their friend's aunt, who turns out to be a witch who eats unwed women. One of the girls is named Kung-Fu and spiritually kicks a demon cat painting until blood pours out everywhere. I guess this is kind of a spoiler, but the movie is such a madcap, magna-influenced experiment there's nothing that can really ruin the experience. Like most anime, this movie also ends with an unnecessary song that drags on for far too long. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. I guess this movie influenced a lot of future work, which make sense. Still, most people would consider this a 1 as it's nearly impossible to follow.

The House at the End of the Street - I only decided to watch this movie because Jennifer Lawrence is in it. This isn't even a real horror movie. It's a serial killer movie with a few thriller moments. My standards are low at this point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It's a PG-13 movie, so instead of outright showing you some boobs there's just long, awkwardly placed frames of Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank-top. Oh, America.

The House of the Devil - Though an on-the-nose homage to 70s satanic slow-burns, this Ti West feature moves at a decent pace toward the slasher-like ending, making it better than most of movies it pays tribute to. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The House on Sorority Row - A cookie-cutter college slasher that ends abruptly for no real reason considering how long it sets up its premise. Nothing awful, but nothing original. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Housebound - A fun, Kiwi flick that nicely balances a bit of horror with humor with a strong performance by Morgana O'Reilly. Though the plot takes a couple unnecessary twits towards the end, the gore kicks up and leaves you with a satisfying ending. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Howling - Released the same year as American Werewolf in London, this movie isn’t very good, but it is entertaining. Apparently audiences and critics thought it was funny. Maybe because it makes fun of that Big Sur lifestyle? I dunno. Dick Miller is the best thing in this movie, outside of the special effects. No idea why it spawned several follow ups. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Honestly, why not just lean into The Gift and join The Colony—nice surroundings, sultry nympho, regeneration ability. Some people can’t appreciate nice things.

Humanoids from the Deep - A cult favorite from the Roger Corman camp that borrows heavily from Creature from the Black Lagoon and a bit from Jaws. Initially very well done by director Barbara Peeters, but ultimately released much to her distaste. Peeters shot grisly murder scenes of the men, but used off camera and shadows to show the creatures raping the women. Corman and the editor didn’t think there was enough campy nudity. So they tapped Jimmy T. Murakami and second unit director James Sbardellati to reshoot those scenes, unknown to the cast, and then spliced the more exploitative elements back in for the final version, including a shower scene where it’s abundantly clear a new, more busty actress stands in for actual character. It’s unfortunate Peeters’ creation was essentially stolen from her, as it could have been a more respected film. I mean, how many horror flicks could weave in the economic struggle of small town bigots against a young native man trying save salmon populations? That said, the cut we got is pervy romp that’s still a boat-load of b-movie fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. James Horner on the score.

The Hunger - First off, David fucking Bowie. Not to be outdone, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve are absolute knock-outs. Horror stories are often rooted in the erotic, often the unknown or shameful aspects of ingrained morality manifested in the grotesque and deadly. When done positively and well, it can be a powerful device. It’s a shame more recent horror movies don’t move beyond the teen-to-college-year characters for their sexual icons, too often used as sacrificial lambs, because mature sexuality can be far more haunting. As we age our connections to the meaning of love grow deeper and more complex; immorality does not offer the same luster. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn impressive for a first major film. Fun fact: Tony Scott wanted to adapt Interview with the Vampire, but MGM gave him The Hunger instead. It bombed and he went back to making commercials. Then Jerry Bruckheimer got him to direct Top Gun, which made $350M.

Hush - Though the masked stranger, home invasion plot is well-worn, this movies provides just enough shifts to keep things interesting and frightening. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out, Hot John!

I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House - With only an hour and a half run time, this film still drags. Part of that is deliberate. The foundation of the film is its atmosphere and the lingering uneasiness that it wishes audiences to dwell in. But by the end, you’re left with nothing more than a simple, sad story. It’s similar to the feeling of overpaying for a nice-looking appetizer and never getting a full meal. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Initiation - This movie has every 80s hour cliché necessary: minimalist synth soundtrack, naked co-eds, looming POV shots, hunky Graduate professor, escaped psychiatric patients, prophecy nightmares, and creepy a child. Yes, everything but actual horror. An hour into the horror movie and only one person has died. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There is no point to this movie, unless you're a huge fan of the princess in Space Balls.

The Innkeepers - The second of Ti West’s two well-received horror originals before he set out for TV and found-footage anthologies, The Innkeepers may not get as much love as The House of the Devil, but should. The dual-leads (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) are more fun to watch than Jocelin Donahue‘s performance and the tone more even-set throughout the film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Innocents - Reportedly Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror movie, it’s easy to see how big of an impact it had on the genre (especially The Others) with sweeping camera angles, slow but still haunting pace, and remarkable sound design. Perhaps it’s not as well-received by modern viewers, but it’s no doubt a classic. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Intruder (1989) - An enjoyable slasher flick from long-time Sam Raimi collaborator Scott Spiegel that takes places in a grocery store after hours that doesn’t try to do too much or take itself too seriously and features some over-the-top gore. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “I’m just crazy about this store!”

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) - A terrific example of how to build paranoid fear. That its political allegory can be interpreted on both sides of McCarthyism makes it all the better. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Original ending, ftw.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) - A rare remake that’s almost as good as the original. Terrific use of San Fransisco as a setting, Goldblum Goldblum’ing it up, solid pacing—great film! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Plus, nudity!

The Invitation - More of a tense drama until the final moments, this film deserves praise for holding viewers’ attention for so long before the horror tipping point. Further details could spoil the story, but like many tales in the genre the lesson here is always trust your gut. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Ugh, Californians.

It (2017) - Stephen King’s nearly 1,200 page 1986 national bestseller captures the attention of readers for a number of reason: it’s coming-of-age story is horrific even without supernatural elements, it’s cast of characters resemble classic American archetypes from many of King’s other works, and its adaptation into a four hour mini-series staring Tim Curry as Pennywise in 1990 has haunted the imaginations of children for decades. Unfortunately, like the mini-series, the movie fails to deliver the long, unsettling moments that make the novel so thrilling. King’s story is a cocaine-fueled disaster that throws everything and the kitchen sink at viewers when compressed onto the screen. The truly terrifying elements of the book lose their impact when delivered one after another without time to feel personally connected to each character. The genius of It is the paranormal evil’s ability to hone in on a person’s darkest fears. Without deep empathy for all of The Losers, the individualized psychological torture is muted when reduced to jump-cuts. For what it’s worth, the film does its best with a jumble of sub-plots and the Pennywise origin story, but as the tone bounces from wide shots of small town Maine and the painful trauma of abuse to titled zooms of CGI monsters and an over-the-top soundtrack, something is lost. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Publishing office, 1985: “So, wait. The kids fuck?” the editor asks, disgusted. King vacuums another white rail into his nasal cavity. “Huh?! Oh. Yeah, sure. I guess. Does that happen? Jesus, I’m so fucked up right now. What day is it? What were you saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like, love is the opposite of fear, bridge to adulthood or something. Do you have any booze around here?”

It Comes At Night - More utterly depressing than terrifying and a reminder that the greatest horror we’ll likely ever face is simply the limits of our own humanity. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

It Follows - An uncomfortable and honest take on how sexuality is intertwined with the horror myth. One for the ages. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The real terror is HPV.

Jaws - A masterpiece that’s too easily remembered for its cultural impact than artist merit. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. R.I.P. Chrissie Watkins, you were a free spirit as wild as the wind.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - Yorgos Lanthimos‘s follow up to The Lobster isn’t as well done, but the wide shots, odd lines, and increasingly bizzare build-up are all present. The finale is near perfect, but takes a bit too long to reach. I’d really like to give this film a higher score, but alas: 3 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing wrong, yet something is missing.

Kiss of the Damned - There are handful of potential interesting scenes and the internal drama of a vampire family is a potentially the foundation for a good film. Despite this, Xan Cassavetes’s film never manages to actually be all that interesting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing terrible here, but also nothing remarkable.

Knock Knock - Two hotties do my man Keanu dirty. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Eli Roth is a better actor than director.

The Lair of the White Worm - A campy demon flick from Altered States director Ken Russell. Staring Hugh Grant, Peter Capaldi, and Amanda Donohoe, the plot is loosely based on Bram Stroker’s last novel, which has a few similarities to H. P. Lovecraft's novella The Shadow Over Innsmouth, which was made into the Spanish film Dagon. Very British all around, a bit like Hot Fuzz meets Clue, this could have been played straight and potentially been scary, but Russell didn’t intend to be serious. A topless snake demon wearing a death strap-on to sacrafice a virgin can’t be taken as *cinema* after all. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not great film by any stretch, but pretty fun!

Lake Mungo - Presented as a made-for-TV type of mystery documentary, this could have really turned out poorly. Despite some unnecessary plot additions, this movie really stuck with me. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Sadder than you might expect.

The Langoliers - Balki Bartokomous is the villain in this made-for-TV special. He is terrible and the rest of the cast is packed with 90s no-name actors and a child actor that might as well be the blind version of a kid Liz Lemon. You know how Stephen King writes himself into every. single. story? In this case it's not even as a plot device, it's just a character to fill space like an obvious oracle. In the book, the character tearing paper is a subtle, unsettling mannerism you assume happens quietly in the background, but because television writers treat their audiences like distracted five year-olds, this action becomes a reoccurring focus with no point or context. One of the best parts about the book was imagining the wide, empty space of the Denver airport. Of course, shutting down an entire airport would be expensive, so most of the interactions take place in a single terminal, which is just as boring as being stuck at the airport yourself. Two 1994-era Windows screen savers eat Balki at the end, then, like, all of reality, maaaaaaaan. The more I think about it, this story might have been the unconscious basis for a strong Salvia freak out I once had. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Dear male, white writers, we all know that no one actually fucks writers in real life - that's why you're all so angry. Stop creating these protagonists equipped with impossible pussy-magnets. Stop. Staaaaaaaahp.

The Last House of the Left - Wes Craven’s debut isn’t much of a horror, but a revenge tale that contains no build up or sense of dread, but an immediate and unrelenting assault of its characters and the audience. It’s well-made, and the rape revenge tale is older than Titus Andronicus, but that doesn’t mean it’s something worth viewing. There’s no joy; it’s Pink Flamingos without the camp. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. No doubt impactful, but really best viewed as a piece of history with a critical eye and not for entertainment.

The Legend of Hell House - A well made haunted house film that holds up forty years later. Pamela Franklin, playing a medium, carries much of the movie. Her foil, the physicist, is a strange character. He apparently believes people, and even dead bodies, can manifest surreal, electromagnetic energies, but not in “surviving personalities.” Yet, he still orders this giant “reverse energy” machine to “drain” the house of its evil before they even set out to research house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Dangerous diner parties, the insatiable Mrs. Barret, mirrored ceilings and kick ass Satan statues everywhere - this house seems pretty great, actually.

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires - A blast to watch, but not truly great. Unfortunately, I’ve only seen the edited version (The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula) that mixes up the beginning for no real reason and wonder how much better the original cut might be. Still, vampires! Kung Fu! Peter Cushing! 3 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Let the Right One In - Beautiful and terribly haunting. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Likely the best horror movie this generation will get.

Let Me In - Surprising good. Unnecessary, yes. But still good. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: I once watched an *ahem* found copy of Matt Reeves‘s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes without the ape subtitles and thought it was a brave choice to make the audience sympathize with the common humanity among our species. I was also pretty high.

Life After Beth - Jeff Baena‘s horror comedy features a terrific Aubrey Plaza, but Dane DeHaan’s character leaves a lot to be desired. It seems like the film is trying to save something about life, love, and family, but never finds its voice. A fine, funny movie to watch on a rainy afternoon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Lifeforce - Directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and written by Dan O'Bannon (Alien) is a film the suffers from “the disease of more.” The entire concept of space vampires is rad as hell, but a $25 million budget and a 70 mm production couldn’t save what ends up being a boring trod and a jumbled ending that somehow makes major city destruction tiring. Though, to be fair, this was well before Independence Day. Colin Wilson, author of the original source material, said it was the worst movie he has ever seen. I wouldn’t go that far, but during a special 70 mm screening, the theater host chastised the audience in advance to not make fun of the movie during the showing because it was “a great film.” Reader, it is not. But Mathilda May looks real good naked and there are a couple cool, gory shots. So, there’s that. I guess. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Patrick Stewart is in this for all of like 10 minutes, but is still listed as a main character.

The Lighthouse - From The Witch’s Robert Eggers, this film is objectively a great work of art. Brooding, stark, and compelling performances from Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson—all the elements add up into a unique and disturbing experience. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. All that said, in the same way I consider Death Spa a 2 pumpkin movie you should see, this is a 4 pumpkin movie you could probably skip. It’s not entertaining in the traditional sense, and likely not one you’d want to really ever see again. The Eggers brothers made something weirdly niche and it’s fine if it stays that way.

Little Evil - A serviceable comedy that isn’t all that scary or even gory, which is a disappointment considering Eli Craig’s Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was so good. There are a few nods to famous horror movies that make a handful of scene enjoyable, but otherwise it’s purely background material. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Little Monsters - A Hulu original that’s pretty fun, if ultimately standing on the shoulders of giants like George A. Romero and Edgar Wright. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Lizard in a Woman's Skin - Lucio Fulci’s erotic mystery starts out with groovy sex parties and hallucinations, but quickly gets dull in the middle with extended scenes of psychological assessment, only to wind up where we all started. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Lodge - A good exercise in isolation horror that, while a bit slow, ratchets up the tension and horror with each act. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn kids.

The Lost Boys - A fun, campy 80s vampire flick you’ve likely heard of or even seen. I get why it’s cemented in popular culture, but at the end of the day it’s a Joel Schumacher film with a silly plot. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Love Witch - Somewhere between earnest satire and homage, The Love Witch is a well-crafted throwback to 1960s schlock. Weaving in contemporary gender critique, the film is more than just a rehash of its sexual fore-bearers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Mandy (2018) - Like watching a bad trip from afar, Beyond the Black Rainbow director Panos Cosmatos (son of the Tombstone director) pulls off a trippy, dreadful film that starts out with story that follows logic and consequence before giving over to the full weirdness of Nicholas Cage’s uniquely unhinged style of acting. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Jóhann Jóhannsson’s score is superb.

Midsommar - Though not as good as Aster’s Hereditary, Midsommar sticks with you longer. Eerie throughout and disturbing, but not frightening in the traditional sense, it’s no surprise this film seems to split viewers into devoted fans and downright haters. Florence Pugh’s performance is wonderful and the scenes of drugged-out dread are far better than what was attempted in Climax. Some critics have called the film muddled and shallow, and certainly the “Ugly American” character fits in the later, but I found it to be a remarkably clear vision compared to the jumbled ending of Hereditary. That said, it’s not a scary movie, it’s simply unnerving. Should a male director and writer be the one to tell this tale? Probably not. But it’s not wholly unredemptive. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first gave this film 3 pumpkins, but the more I think about it, the more it lingers. That counts for something. One more pumpkin to be exact.

Mimic - Without del Toro’s name attached, perhaps this movie wouldn’t be judged so harshly. Yet, though the shadowy, lingering shots he’s know for give a real sense of darkness to the picture, it’s a chore to sit through and is especially frustrating toward the end. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Mist - Watch the black and white version, which adds an ol’ timey feel to this Lovecraftian tale from Steven King and makes always-outdated CGI a bit more palpable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Monster (2016) - From The Strangers Bryan Bertino, this monster movie that ties in a trouble mother/daughter relationship doesn’t ever overcome its limitations and poor character decisions that get protagonists in deeper trouble. Zoe Kazan does what she can to carry the role. Not bad, but not much below the surface. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Monsters (2010) - A slow-burn that relies on its actors to push the suspense of a road-trip-style plot, leaving the special effects for subtle and beautiful moments. Arguably more of a sci-fi thriller than a true horror flick, it’s still worth viewing if you’re looking for something spooky. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

mother! - Like many of Aronosky’s films, mother! is difficult to define by genre. Though not a typical haunted house film, the bloody, unsettling aspects make it more than a typical psychological thriller. Haunting in a similar fashion of Black Swan, yet broader in theme like The Fountain, this movie is challenging, disturbing and frustrating in the sense that, as a mere viewer, you’re left feeling like there’s something you’ll never fully understand despite being beaten over the head. An not-so-subtle allegory about love, death, creation, mankind, god, and the brutality women must endure, it’s a hideous reminder that, upon even the briefest reflection, life’s cosmic journey is macabre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ms. 45 - Ahead of its time, especially considering the unfortunate “rape revenge” sub-genre that seemed to cater to male fantasy than female empowerment. Still, it’s slow build and random scenes toward the finale leave it wanting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Oh, the knife is a dick. I get it.

Murder Party - A bit like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, but for New York art kids. Even for being a horror comedy, there’s only like 20 minutes of horror, which is too bad as there’s material to mine instead of a prolonged rooftop chase scene. If this was a studio production, it’d probably just get 2 pumpkins, but given it’s $200k budget and at-the-time unknown cast, it’s a solid first feature for Jeremy Saulnier and Macon Blair, who went on to make some truly great films. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion - Flat out awful; neither a comedy nor a horror. Writer John Hughes claims he was fired from production, though that doesn’t hold much water considering he’s credited as “Girl with bag on head” and went on to write several other Lampoon movies. Director Michael Miller didn’t make another feature film for almost thirty years, which wasn’t long enough. 0 out of 5 pumpkins.

Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow‘s sophomore film is hampered by its ultimate ending, but the story is original and well produced. Even Bill Paxton’s over-the-top performance is enjoyable. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worst. Vampire. Ever.

The Neon Demon - A spiritual successor to Suspiria, this film from Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn is beautifully shot, but ultimately empty. While both Jena Malone and Keanu Reeves breathe life into their small roles, the cast of models rarely shine. The horrific ending goes a step too far without lingering long enough to truly shock. Though much better than the extremely similar Starry Eyes, it’s difficult to give this film a higher rating. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching for a couple standout scenes.

Night of the Living Dead - Viewed today the film seems almost tame, but in 1968 it was lambasted for being too gorey and sparked calls for censorship. And to its credit, there wasn’t anything else like it at the time. Romero’s incredibly small budget, Duane Jones‘s great performance, and the film’s unintended symbolism make its success all the more impressive. Kudos to MoMA and The Film Foundation for restoring this important piece of cinema history. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I argue this is a sci-fi film, if you think about it.

A Night to Dismember (The "Lost" Version) - This version appeared on YouTube in the summer of 2018, decades after it was originally filmed. The version that was released in 1989 on VHS, and later in 2001 on DVD, was entirely re-shot with adult film actress Samantha Fox after a disgruntled processing employee destroyed the original negatives. The re-shoot gave the released version of movie its “sexplotation” vibe that director Doris Wishman was know for producing, but he original version is more of a straight-forward psychotic slasher movie with only a scene of campy nudity and stars Diana Cummings, instead of Fox. Gone is the striptease, sex hallucinations, detective character, and asylum plot that were slapped together in the released version, leaving a still somewhat jumbled story of a young woman who goes on a killing spree after becoming possessed by her dead mother, who died in pregnancy, leaving her an orphan. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Poor Mary. Poor Vicki.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Why this movie sparked a generations-long series is almost as puzzling as how Children of the Corn pulled it off as well. The movie flat out ignores basic storytelling devices. Recalling the overall plot, you’re not even sure if the main character is better off alive or dead, given the horrifying reality she already exists within. Consider this: Her father is an authoritarian cop leading the world’s worse police force and her mother is a drunk, possessive vigilante arsonist. University doctors are so inept they focus solely on Colonial-era medicine to the point of ignoring a metaphysical phenomenon, believing teenage girls are attention-starved enough to smuggle hats embroidered with a dead child-killer’s name inside their vaginas to a sleep deprivation study. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. So much for the classics. At least this gave us the future gift of inspiring Home Alone-style defense antics.

Not of This Earth (1988) - This film, and I mean that artistically, was made because the director, Jim Wynorskin, bet he could remake the original on the same inflation-adjusted budget and schedule as the 1957 version by Roger Corman. Traci Lords makes her non-adult film debut and is a better actor than the rest of the cast combined. The gem isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so godawful it’s incredible. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I was looking for the trashiest horror movie on Netflix, and I believe I have found it.

One Cut of the Dead - Know as little as possible going into this one. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s impossible to not enjoy this film.

One Dark Night - Starts out interesting, but quickly gets forgetable even with the central location of a haunted cemetery. Worth putting on the background. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Aaaaaadddaaaammmm Weeeeessssst.

The Others - Well-paced, nicely shot, superior acting by Nicole Kidman, ominous tone through out, great ending. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. One of my personal favorites.

Pan's Labyrinth - del Torro’s best work, combining the tinges of war dread and the fantastical elements that would go on to be a key part of his other films. Pale Man is one of the creepiest monsters to ever be captured on screen. Perhaps the biggest horror is that though you’ll cheer for the anarchists, the historical fact is that the Nationalists won and established a dictatorship for nearly forty years. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. No god, no country, no master.

The People Under the Stairs - When the main character of a horror movie would be better placed in a zany after-school sitcom, the entire story is bound to fail. Little did I know how far. Twin Peaks actors aside, the rest of the this movie is so convoluted and poorly explained that it made me hate Panic Room somewhat less. They can't all be winners. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. At the end of this movie, a house explodes and money rains down on poor, mostly black people. Thanks, Wes Craven!

Pet Sematary (2019) - Uninspiring, uneven, and mostly uneventful. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Poltergeist - If you haven't seen this Steven Speilberg produced & written, but not directed horror movie, it's worth a modern viewing. Original, yet tinged with all the classic elements of fear, this movie manages to tug on the heartstrings like a family-friendly drama while still being creepy as hell. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The best, most expensive Holiday Inn commercial ever made.

Pontypool - Good, but not as great as hyped. Characters are introduced haphazardly and the explanation for the horror barely tries to make sense. Still, not bad for a movie with essentially three characters stuck in a single location. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Possession (1981) - Described by some die-hard horror fans as a “must see,” I guess I agree. It’s by no means a masterpiece, but it’s bizarre enough to take the time to check out. It’s a sort of Cold War psychological horror as if written by Clive Barker and directed by David Cronenberg. Of course that comparison is necessary for American readers, but Polish director Andrzej Żuławski is an art-house favorite, whose second film was banned by his home government, causing him to move to France. Often panned for “over acting,” Isabelle Adjani actually won best actress at Cannes in 1981. Though, you may find one particular scene as if Shelley Duvall is having a bad acid trip. Part of the appeal of seeing this film is the difficulty in finding a copy. The DVD is out of print, and the new Mondo Blu-ray is limited to 2,000 copies at $70 a piece. Good luck. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re looking for something weird and very European, seek it out.

Prometheus - Perhaps because Ridley Scott’s return the franchise was expected to be such a welcome refresher after the abysmal failures of others in the series, this one was a pretty big let down. Though there are some cool concepts and frightening scenes, there are anger-inducing plot mistakes and zero sympathetic characters. Michael Fassbender’s performance is terrific, yet not enjoy to be an enjoyable view. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Psycho - Not as great at The Birds, but still one of the best. The superb shots, painfully slow clean up of the first kill, it’s no wonder why the film is landmark for horror. Anthony Perkins is tremendous. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Remember when Gus Van Sant remade this shot-for-shot for literally no reason and lost $30 million? It’s like he has to make one really terrible bomb after each critical hit and then crawl back again.

Pumpkinhead - The production quality of this 80s horror flick is surprisingly high, especially the Henson-like monster. Long story short - asshole dude bro accidentally kills hick kid, hick father calls up demon to seek revenge. All in all, not a bad movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Given the title, the monster's head in this movie is shockingly not very pumpkin-like. Boo.

A Quiet Place - John Krasinski gets a lot of credit for playing a well-intentioned father, which is an easier bridge to his well-known character from The Office, rather than a military member, like in many of his other projects. Emily Blunt is wonderful as is Millicent Simmonds. The creatures are scary, reminiscent of The Demogorgon in Stranger Things, and the plot is decent, even without much of an ending. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to enjoy this film as much as I did. It seemed too “mainstream.” And, it is. But it’s also a well-executed, well-acted, well-produced product, which is much more difficult to pull off than it sounds. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth recommending to friends who aren’t even horror fans.

Rabid - No where near the level of Cronenberg’s best or even his subsequent film The Brood, but still very good. Apparently Cronenberg wanted Sissy Spacek to play the lead, but was shot down by the producers. Obviously Marilyn Chambers was selected to play up the porn star angle in the hopes of greater marketing for the indie, horror film out of Canada, but she does a great job in her first mainstream role. If you like any Cronenberg has done, you should watch this one. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Raw - A terrific coming-of-age, sexual-awakening, body-horror film that manages to retain its heart even as it pushes the limits. One of the best horror movies of the last decade. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Nom-nom.

Re-Animator - Creepy actor Jeffrey Combs is also in The Frighteners, which makes it a good nod in that flick. "Say hello to these, Michael!" When you see it, you'll get it. What can be said of this movie? It's crazy. It's great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Gory, campy, funny and scary all at once, a definite classic.

Ready or Not - I wouldn’t go so far as to call this movie “clever,” but it’s certainly better than its absurd premise. Samara Weaving’s performance is really the only thing that keeps people watching. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Killing all the attractive help is played off as a joke, but . . . it’s not? At least rich people die.

Repulsion - After having to listen to her sister being drilled by some limey prick night after night in their shared apartment and a series of unwanted street advances triggers her past trauma, a young woman rightfully kills a stalker turned home intruder and her rapist landlord. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Return of The Living Dead - This movie doesn’t give a wink and nod to horror tropes, it reaches out of the fourth wall to slap you in the face to create new ones. There’s an entire character that is just naked the whole movie. I understand that just because it’s a joke it doesn’t mean it’s not still sexist. But, also, you know, boobs. 4 out 5 pumpkins. What was created as camp became the foundation for modern zombies.

Return of the Living Dead III - A love story of sorts that takes a more series turn than the original. At first, I didn’t enjoy the uneven balance of camp and earnestness, but it oddly grows on you. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching to see what you think.

The Ritual - A Netflix original that is better than it needs to be about regret, trauma, and fear that gets right into the action and wraps fairly satisfying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Rosemary's Baby - If you're looking for a sure party killer this October, put on this number and watch your guests fall asleep! Often forgot, the beginning and end of Rosemary's Baby are terrifying, expertly filmed scenes of dread, but the middle is a two-hour wink to the film's conclusion revolving around an expectant mother. Still, few other films can capture fear the way Polanski's does; all the more impressive that it stands up today. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. If you haven't seen this film, you owe it to yourself to watch it this season.

Scanners - Cronenberg’s 1981 film feels like a much more successful version of what De Palma attempted with The Fury. Dark, paranoid, and ultra-gory in key scenes, Scanners isn’t quite the perfect sci-fi horror, but it’s damn close. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Scream - For a movie that birthed an annoying amount of sequels and spoofs, it's sort of sad that Wes Craven's meta-parody ended up creating a culture of the very movies he was trying to rail against. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching again, even if you saw it last year.

Sea Fever - A good, but not great, tense thriller on sea. Plus, an important lesson in quarantine. Ultimately, it doesn’t go far enough to present its horror. A well-made, and even well-paced film with a limited cast and sparse special effects, though. There’s nothing explicitly “wrong” as the movie progresses, but a tighter script and bigger ratcheting of the horror could have made it a classic. The ending is kinda cheesy the more I think about it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Could’ve used a sex scene with some impending doom is all I’m saying!

The Sentinel - I really wanted to love this one. Downstairs lesbians! Birthday parties for cats! Late 70s New York! Alas, its shaky plot and just baffling lack of appropriate cues make it mostly a jumbled mess only worth watching if that slow-burn 70s horror aesthetic is your thing. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shallows - Mostly a vehicle for Blake Lively’s launch from TV to the big screen, this movies isn’t particularly good or bad. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The shark has a powerful vendetta against Lively. What did she do?!

Shaun of the Dead - First in Three Flavours Cornetto, some of the jokes don’t land as well as they did in 2004, but still a great spin on the zombie genre with loads of laughs and a bit of heart. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shining - The pinnacle of the form. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. "So why don't you start now and get the fuck outta here!" Harsh, but come on, Wendy kinda sucks.

Shivers - Cronenberg’s 1975 shocker flick is . . . fine. You certainly get to see how some of his body horror themes started. Cronenberg himself seems to see it as more of a film to watch to understand what not to do as a young director. If you’re a completist, definitely check it out. Otherwise just skip to 1977′s Rabid, if you’re looking for Cronenberg’s earlier work. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Not bad considering it was shot in two weeks.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Whoo, boy. This one’s a ride. A decidedly anti-PC flick that caused calls for boycotts when it was first released, this movie is full of assault and uncomfortable situations. It’s also hilarious, gory, and worth watching in a large group. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Punish.

Sleepaway Camp - I must be missing something, because like Children of the Corn, I can’t understand why this movie became a cult-classic. A guy who openly talks about wanting to rape children is gruesomely maimed, so there’s that? I guess. A couple of these “kids” are definitely 34, while others are 14. Is this the basis for Wet Hot American Summer? I don’t know or care. 2 out 5 pumpkins. Just watch Friday the 13th.

Slither - Almost on the level of other spoofs, but with a few groan-worthy moments. Definitely one to watch if looking for something fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not for the bug fearing.

The Slumber Party Massacre - Rita Mae Brown wrote this movie as a parody of the slasher genre that spawned so many Halloween copycats. It’s a bit unfortunate that we didn’t get her version. Author of pioneering lesbian novel Rubyfruit Jungle, Brown’s script was turned into a more straight-forward flick, giving the movie some baffling humor, like when one of the girls decides to eat the pizza from the dead delivery boy, and some untended humor, like the Sylvester Stallone issue of Playgirl. Lesbians undertones still prevail, as do lingering shots of gratuitous nudity, and enough phallic symbolism to write a paper about. All in all, a fun, albeit uneven movie with pretty decent dialogue. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: Director Amy Holden Jones got her start as an assistant on Taxi Driver, passed on editing E.T. after Roger Corman offered to finance early filming for her directorial debut, and later went on to write Mystic Pizza, Beethoven, Indecent Proposal, and The Relic. Bonus fact: Playgirl was able to get nude photos of Stallone based on his first movie The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (aka The Italian Stallion), for which Stallone was reportedly paid $200 to star in during a period in his life when he was desperate and sleeping in a New York bus station.

The Slumber Party Massacre II - If the first movie was a knock-off of Halloween, this is a bizarre rip-off of The Nightmare on Elm Street with a rockabilly twist. It’s hard to tell if this is a parody or a sort of musical vehicle for the Driller Killer, who—to his credit—is somehow almost charismatic enough to it pull off. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Somehow the weirdest movie I’ve ever watched.

The Slumber Party Massacre III - A return to form, in some respects. All the elements of the original are there: a slumber party, gratuitous nudity, a drill. But the driller killer’s poor-man’s Patrick Bateman character quickly becomes tired. Not terrible for a slasher flick, but not very good either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. How many lamps to the head can Ken take?

Species - If I asked you to name a movie staring Sir Benjamin Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker and Michelle Williams, would you guess Species? No, no you fucking wouldn't. We all know Species, but I, like most, erased it from my memory. This was helpful for two reasons: first because for about the first half of the movie, you think there might be a decent flick happening - baring some obvious flaws of a blockbuster. Second because - holy shit - you get to see a ton of naked breasts in this movie, like way more than I remember. Unfortunately, about halfway through Species someone must have come in and realized having the B-squad Scully & Mulder be one step behind every instinct killing was boring as shit, and flashing tits every 20 mins wasn't going to hack it. Whatever Hollywood dickbag crafted this turd failed to realize the casting of the actor forever known as Bud from Kill Bill is the only white, macho-postering character that morons want to root for. And so we get a squint-faced protagonist getting blow jobs from a coworker scientist and an ending dumber than the boob tentacles he should have been strangled with. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There are worse horror movies, but there are also much better ones.

Starry Eyes - A thinly-veiled critique on Hollywood’s abusive history with actresses, the movie starts out well, but lags in the third act before a gruesome finale. Sort of a low-rent Mulholland Drive. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out for that barbell, Ashley.

The Stuff - Odd, mostly because of its uneven tone. Like if The Blob, The Live, and Canadian Bacon raised a baby and that disappointed its parents, like all babies eventually do. There are some good horror and comedic moments, but none of which make it great. The sound editing is remarkably bad, and the poor cuts make no sense given its scope. Oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Suspiria - More of a focus on set, sound, and color than characters, Suspiria is reminiscent of the Japanese classic House, but with a more straightforward story. The Italian director, English language, and German setting make for an interesting, offbeat feel that adds to the overall weirdness of the movie. One cringe worthy scene in particular makes up for its immediate lack of logic, and the soundtrack by Goblin stands up on its own. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sexist note: there’s a shocking lack of boobs given the subject matter.

Suspiria (2018) - Another in a long line of unnecessary remakes, though technically more of an homage. Luca Guadagnino’s version was supposedly developed for years alongside Tilda Swinton, who plays three different characters. Truthfully, without any attachment to the original, this could have been a muddled, but remarkable film. Thom Yorke’s score is perfect in certain scenes, yet detracting in others. The plot is similar in this manner. Some scenes are haunting and dense, but others needlessly detailed. The dance scenes are terrific, but weighed down by the larger war themes. The ending’s gore-fest is hampered by too much CGI, but still demonically fun. Fans of the original won’t find the weird, colorful elements to love, but it’s a good movie, albeit thirty minutes too long. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Good premise; found footage in the vein of Blair Witch Project of a demon possession disguised as Alzheimer’s disease. But, the movie can’t decide if it wants to stick to its foundation of a student documentary or veer into the studio-style editing and affects of theatrical release. Which is unfortunate as the former would have made it stand-out among a pack of mediocre ghost stories, while the later distracts from the setting it seeks to establish. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Teeth - A movie about the myth of vagina dentata could have been absolutely deplorable, but with the bar so low, Teeth does a pretty good job. Jess Weixler is a functional actress, not necessarily stand-out, but certainly far better than the role requires. Trying to tightrope walk between comedy and horror is never a task a creator should set out upon without a clear vision. Unfortunately, this one seems a bit blurry. One its release, Boston Globe said the movie “runs on a kind of angry distrust toward boys.” Not bad advice. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Terrifier - Do you want to see a naked woman hung upside down and sawed from gash to forehead? Then this is the movie for you. That’s it. There’s not much else here. Gino Cafarelli is good as the pizza guy. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The clown is scary, though.

The Terror - A classic haunted throwback from Roger Corman, but without the nudity and gore his later work is infamous for. A young Jack Nicholson proves he was always kind of a prick. Boris Karloff does his best. The plot is pretty boring, but it’s a decent movie that you might stumble upon on a lazy afternoon on cable TV. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Tobe Hooper’s 1974 persuasive argument for vegetarianism is just as terrifying today as it was when it was released. Just as Halloween launched a thousand imitators, the hues and low angles in this film set the standard for horror for years and, unfortunately, laid the groundwork for more exploitative movies offered referred to as “torture porn.” Though gory, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s sense of weird dread is established well before the chainsaw rips, and though many have tried to follow in its footsteps, none have captured the lighting that adds to the overall queasy moments of the film. There’s a kind of simplistic beauty to such unexplained brutality, and perhaps because it was first, all others since haven’t seemed as artistically valuable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. So, umm, what do you think happened to the Black Maria truck driver?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - The only decent carry over from this remake is John Larroquette as the narrator. Over-washed tones, over-the-top gore and unsympathetic characters make this film more than unnecessary, placing among the worst horror remakes of all time. Robert Ebert gave it one of his rare 0 stars, reserved for works he found genuinely appalling such as I Spit On Your Grave, The Human Centipede 2, and most infamously John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

They Live - “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… And I'm all out of bubblegum." 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Thing - Trying to give this film an honest review is almost impossible. Cast out on its release for being too bizarre and gory, Carpenter’s nihilist tale has since come to be seen as a masterpiece for its special effects, bleak tone, and lasting impact on other creators. Is it perfect? No, but it’s damn close. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. MacReady’s assimilated. Deal with it.

Train to Busan - A bit too predictable, but a solid, well-paced zombie action flick that’s smarter than most American blockbusters from Korean director Yeon Sang-ho, who is better known for his semi-autobiographical animated features. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - I really didn't expect much out of this movie, but it's actually really, really funny and a really gory spoof. Not quite on the scale of The Cabin in the Woods, but still pretty damn great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you don't think people getting hacked up by a chainsaw in certain contexts can be funny, then this probably ain't your bag.

Twins of Evil - An enjoyable, somewhat smutty vampire movie from the famous British studio Hammer Films, staring Peter Cushing and Playboy Playmates the Collinson twins. Directed by John Hough, who also directed The Legend of Hell House, the film doesn’t break any new ground and is loaded with over-acting, but it’s well-paced, wonderfully set, and generally fun to watch, where the Puritan witchfinders are just as horrible as the vampires. Not as great as Black Sunday, but still worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Let Joachim speak, you racists.

Under the Skin - Mesmerizing and haunting. The less you know going into this film the better. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Quite possibly Scarlett Johansson’s best work.

Under the Silver Lake - Technically a “comedic neo-noir,” whatever the fuck that means; in any case David Robert Mitchell (It Follows) tries to do too much over too long of a run time. Andrew Garfield gives a decent performance, especially considering he’s in almost every frame of the film. But the edge-of-subtly that made It Follows so modern and terrifying is replaced by a silk, wandering, and heavy-handed stroll through the powerful Los Angeles entertainment Illuminati. Certainly there’s material there, but instead of being a radical stab at the very real institutions of pop-culture that treat young women as nothing more than disposable meat, we drift in and out of a young man’s lust that revels in objectification without the sleazy charm of exploitation flicks or the critical eye of outright satire. Even the eerily presence of the Owl Woman can’t level-up what is an exercise in arrested development for hipsters. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Despite this negative review, Mitchell still has plenty of potential to make another great film. Whether he deserves that chance is different question.

Us - Jordan Peele’s second film is even better than his great debut. Us isn’t perfect, but hints at what Peele could create in the future. Unnecessary explanation and slightly oddly timed humor are present, like in Get Out, but more restrained. Peele’s talent for making modern horror accessible to the widest audience is laudable. Still, I can’t wait to see what he makes two or three films down the road. I suspect more than one could come close to equaling that of Kubrik’s The Shinning. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampire’s Kiss - Is it a horror? Is it a comedy? Is it a parody? Drama? This movie truly defies genre due to the inexplicable acting choices made by Nicholas Cage. His odd affectation doesn’t change from sentence to sentence, but word to word. It’s like he’s trying to play three different characters across three different acts all at once. Is it good? Not really. But, I mean, see it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampyros Lesbos - After vigorous encouragement from my academic colleagues, I decided to watch this 1971 Spanish-German film for, umm, science. Shot in Turkey and staring the tragic Soledad Miranda, Jesús Franco’s softcore horror jumps right into full-frontal nudity and attempts a sort of story involving Count Dracula that moves forward through uninteresting monologues and shaky camera work. It’s not awful, but there’s no reason to watch it. If it was playing in the background at a dive bar, it might have a tinge of charm. Other than some close moments of near-unapologetic queer sex, despite being created almost entirely for the male gaze, it’s just another in the pile of European exploitation. Still, it’s fun to daydream about Istanbul being ruled by a dark-haired demonic lesbian; beats the hell out of what we have in our reality. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The soundtrack found renewed fame in 1990′s Britain, causing it to finally find distribution into America.

The Vault - A serviceable, but ultimately boring horror take on a bank heist that tries to hard to end with a twist. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

V/H/S - Every review I've seen for this movie is generally positive, but that only reaffirms my belief that most people are easily pleased by unintelligent, unoriginal bullshit. A Blair Witch-style story-within-a-story collection of shorts, I couldn't get past the first borderline date-rape, little-girl, sexually confused, monster story. Fuck this trope. Fuck this movie. The much delayed glorification of grisly murder of the offending male villains is hardly radical and only further supports the stereotypes of patriarchy much as it attempts to subvert a worn genre. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. I hate the world.

Videodrome - Cronenberg’s best film. James Woods’s best role; it’s a shame that he’s total piece of shit in real life. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Long live the new flesh.

The Wailing - Despite clocking in at over two and half hours, this part zombie/part demon horror movie from Korean director Na Hong-jin isn’t a slow burn, but rather an intriguing maze of twists and turns as the main character (and audience) struggles to find the truth about a mysterious, murderous diseases sweeping through a small village. Actor Do-won Kwak gives an especially captivating performance. Though the ending packs a powerful punch, the overlapping lies and half-truths told over the course of the film makes it a bit difficult to suss out the evil roots. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

We Are Still Here - What sets out as a slowly paced ghost story turns into something of a gore-fest towards the ends, which doesn’t make it bad so much out of place. 3 out fo 5 pumpkins. Could’ve been a contender.

We Are What We Are - A remake of Jorge Michel Grau’s 2010 film, the American version takes its time getting to the horror before going a step too far at the end. Still, the ever-present knowledge that you’re watching a cannibal film makes some of predictable moments all-the-more horrifying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare - The novel charm of Craven’s meta Freddy saga has worn with age. Heather Langernkamp is passable, but not enough to carry the film and Robert Englund out of makeup shatters the pure evil illusion of his character. Interesting to see some of the ideas that would later synthesize in Scream, but otherwise kind of a bore. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Witch: A New-England Folktale - A deeply unsettling period-piece that reflects on American religion and its violent fear of feminine power. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Trust no goat.

The Witches - Roald Dahl’s story is ultimately crushed by a changed ending, however, Nicolas Roeg‘s adaptation up to that point is a fun, creepy movie people of any age can enjoy. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s really a shame the original ending was changed.

Wolfcop - When a movie’s title promises so much, maybe it’s not fair to judge. But there’s so much campy potential in a werewolf cop picture that it’s kind of a bummer to see it executed at level that makes you wonder if it wasn’t made by high school kids whose favorite movie is Super Troopers. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. God, the movie’s horrible.

The World’s End - The final chapter in the Three Flavours Cornetto and the best, showcasing a wealth of talent at the top of their game. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

XX - Admittedly, I don’t care much for the recent spring of short horror anthologies. Rarely do they have enough time to build the necessary suspense horror movies require. Still, two of the shorts are OK, one is pretty good, and one is bad. So, not a total loss. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

You’re Next - Home-invasion horror as never been my cup of hippie tea as it feeds into the 2nd Amendment hero fantasy of American males. That said, this dark-comedy take on it isn't bad. Some things don’t really add up. For example: Are you telling me that the deep woods home of a former defense corporation employee doesn’t have a single gun stashed somewhere? Bullshit. Anyway, who doesn’t want to see a rich family’s bickering dinner interrupted by a gang of psycho killers? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus rating: 6 out of 10 would fuck in front of their dead mother. (Sorry, mom.)

Zombeavers - No one would say this is a good movie, but it also doesn’t take itself too seriously. Not at funny as Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and certainly more formulaic, this one’s only worth watching if you’re bored. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Zombi 2 - Lucio Fulci’s unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead is one of his best films. But even though Fulci crafted some of the best zombies to ever appear on screen—filmed in the bright, Caribbean sun, the film suffers, as most of his do, from some unnecessary, borderline confusing plot points and poor dubbing. Still, well worth watching on a lazy day, especially for the final act, when the protaganists fight off a zombie hoard inside a burning church. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: topless scuba diving zombie shark fight, which is also my new DJ name.

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journeyinlove · 4 years

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The wayward soul..

Game: Obey Me

Name: Eden Halloway

Age: 17

Nationality: American (Vermont)

Occupation: Student

Love Interests: Beelz, Mammon

Theme Song: Sweet but Psycho/Poker Face mashup by J.Fla

———————

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I downloaded this game. I pretty much got it because I was tired of it being advertised to me and I was stuck farming for hearts on Lovestruck. Still working my way through it and how I want to play, but I’m enjoying the characters and the idea of it. Of course, not knowing what to expect has led to some interesting choices on my part in how to respond to them and that’s turned into an equally interesting MC. I’m really enjoying this character and I’m hoping I can find my tablet soon so I can doodle her and the boys. Also, Beelzebub is totally my favorite so far.

"I never thought there would be a day where someone wanted me around. I figured I'd always be on my own... and now I live with 7 demon princes. Man, I must have finally gone crazy."

Before being brought on as an exchange student in the Devildom, Eden was a simple fly on the wall sort of girl. She went where she was told to go, completed tasks at a passable rate, and for the most part, kept out of the way. She danced through life on auto pilot.

The idea of family has always had little meaning to Eden. She never knew her birth parents and has spent most of her life passed around in the foster system. She grew impassioned and disillusioned around others, though she boasted an impressive ability to navigate social situations with laughable ease. Eden always knew exactly what to say to win over a classmate or put to ease an angry authority figure, while never getting too close herself. In truth, her inner voice is snarky and sarcastic with a quick eye for spotting bullshit... Not that anyone ever saw this side of her.

Was she lonely? Truth be told, she wouldn't have known otherwise to say so.

So when it came to her newest home situation, Eden could be honest when saying that she had no complaints. Could it really be any different than anywhere else? Surprisingly, yes.

The brothers were interesting, dramatic, and oddly endearing in their own strange way. Lucifer felt more stable on his own than any family she had ever been part of, Mammon was infuriating but actually cut through her passivity, Levi shared her interest in anime ... and then some, Satan was hard for her to wrap her head around about times but she respected him all the same, Asmodeus sometimes disturbed her in his all too easy charisma that sometimes felt like a reflection of her own, Beelz always managed to bring out a genuine smile, and Belphie was the only one who ever outmatched Eden in the game of deception.

She's still getting to know them, but that very act itself is something she's never devoted herself to before.

(Since we don’t see MC and I’m unable to do any art at the moment, I’ve designed how I’ve been picturing Eden in an avatar maker by Missangest Games)

#Obey Me #Obey Me shall we date #mc: Eden

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commonalex · 5 years

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Aphrodite

(press play, won't bite ya)

aphrodite by common alex

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They really caught my eye by mistake. Couldn’t even make out what was really happening because of the slow daybreak; when I finished parking she was already laid down on the parking lot and this old fuck with his black-as-a-crow dyed hair and this filthy white shirt was stomping her sides. I shout till I get noticed by this dusty boned ass and his halloweeny mustache he rocks in this late September. I sprint (well, supposedly, my lungs aren’t as light as they used to) and he flinches as if he shat his pants towards a old green Citroen bumped to pieces. I swear he was this close getting his ass beat.

-You shouldn’t have done that.

-Are you… okay, lady? Hey, easy easy. No sudden moves, I got a first aid kit back at the truck.

-Oh no. No, don’t you ”lady” me.

With these dark brunette hair, this long black kimono robe tied by her waist and these thick sunglasses hiding her eyes, her age must be somewhere around fifty, maybe less. I see no blood, though, only on her bottom lip and her back from the asphalt; the rest are just bruises by hand or by shoe. I put some old band aids I found along some other (close to be expired) shit and help her to stand while being a bit scared she is way more hurt internally. But even though she stands alright there’s something about her that doesn’t seem quite right.

-Don’t scratch that, let it dry out. What about a hospital, a doctor? Is there anything like that close from here?

-What do you think, big boy?

That I made a stupid question. Why on earth would there be a hospital close to a truck station on the highway? There’s not even a restaurant around here anymore. We barely get a cup of shitty coffee along with overpriced snacks and a chance to piss with the constant risk of getting infected of something too fucked up for science to give it a name yet.

-Where’s your car?

-I don’t have a car.

-Were you brought here?

The sunglasses slowly fell from her straight lined nose for me to see her smudged eyes guiding me to the right. There really was no car. Only an abandoned gas station, a really creepy playground overgrown by weeds and grass and an old caravan, five by three meters with a blue stripe on its side. I look at her for confirmation and I walk her slow as one can go to let her sit on a cheap travel armchair right besides the open wide door of the caravan.

-I’m… Aphrodite. And you?

Her hesitation right before her name has successfully rang every single bell in existence.

-Does it matter?

She seems unbothered. Knowing my name or not is just the same to her, so to speak; as long as I don’t ask any questions about this pasty prick hitting her a few moments ago.

-Well you’re right about that. How old are you?

-Thirty-three.

-Good for you, you seem nothing like your age. You could tell me you’re twenty six, I’d believe you.

Wow, she’s really into talking, isn’t she? So much she tries to pull a second chair for me beside her. I take a sec to understand if all this a way of flirting or just an awkward compliment used instead for “thanks” because I was at the wrong place at the right moment.

-Sorry, you caught me at work. A long drive to Romania, really, and if I don’t stick to schedule they’ll come for my ass.

Still, unphased.

But she keeps on digging to me.

-Yeah, I’ve heard that a lot. I mean have you ever seen anyone that you try chatting with them and they aren’t in any rush?

Aphrodite seems kind enough to relieve me from my puzzled face by opening and closing her robe as she speaks, as if I, an engaged dude with two babies back home, am all about that shit right now. And even if I was, just by looking at her breast and legs I get a weird feeling. So I play dumb until she gets tired of trying. She doesn’t. And this woman was lying on a parking lot ten minutes ago.

-Look, I can’t help with anything else. And besides, how can I put it, I don’t really…

She catches up and cuts me off from the worst.

-What you “don’t really”. Fuck hookers or fuck trans?

I can’t stress enough how embarrassed I got between these seconds. For sure I didn’t want to put it like that, but how could I say that without saying it? I simply nodded. She seemed like she understood though. She ties her robe back and drags me to chit chat once again (because she couldn’t drag me inside that greasy caravan), beginning to unfold the story of her life. Literally. Awkward as fuck, but I’d lie if I wasn’t intrigued with her.

She said she was born in a rural town far from here, raised by her “holy as a woman can ever be” grandma Aphrodite (that’s where the name comes from)- she tells me that exact thing about three times. I’m asking for her parents and then waiting her to finish with the endless cursing towards them just so the story continues to the point she reaches fourteen years old. Right there is where she, without a warning, runs away from home to Salonika, the closest big city she could afford to start selling her body.

-I’d be lying if I ever said I didn’t get comfy with work, especially the first few clients. After the initial stress dies down you wait for the instinct of habit. I swear, you could spend a week in this job and nothing would ever surprise you anymore. You can’t imagine what kinds of filth and secrets lie outside. Kinky psychos showing up with their wedding rings on, notorious pimps spending all morning on a tv show asking “where is this country really going with all this filth“, priests. Well, you heard nothing about priests yet, I tell you that.

Aphrodite, an adult now, eventually grows far too big for Salonika and makes a trip down to Athens (as she always intended), finding only more filth and misery inside a poorly lit basement with other prostitutes. Her desperation keeps on popping up here and there for a while because she couldn’t predict things turning so damn shitty and unbearable. She stacks her money little by little and she finally gets her surgery.

-And how was thing afterwards?

-Deep inside I knew this was my time; with the body I should have had. And the best thing was that no new client could ever understand the difference, and even if he did that was the last thing he was concerned with. I was ahead of everyone else in there- all of them. But little did I care about all that, I was made for greater things. I didn’t plan to stay in that fucking basement any longer, getting fucked by the lowest of people. That’s why I got my head down and worked my ass off until I could make a name of myself, until I could make not enough money but the real money. And that was what really got the best of me in the end, I think.

She then “moves” to the biggest red light district of Athens (I mean, of course, where else could she really be, right?) and that’s the point where her story really turns sketchy. Whatever she told me to this minute might be a bit cliche, but still believable. Now she runs over all that, telling me to believe that she managed to get so big she turned to a highly paid escort for rich and powerful people like that (which I guess you could say is plausible, given that she indeed would be beautiful at some point). Just the names and zeros she dropped on the table makes me suspicious as hell. But this isn’t the end, she continues with her Mercedes car she owned and took rides with back at her grandma’s place or with how she was personally invited every time the american fleet stopped in Rhodes and Crete. Like she’s living in a goddamn movie.

-So things get really, and I mean really busy, am I right?

-It didn’t take long for magazines and tv shows for nosy people to notice me. Those were the days, I tell you. You remember the checks I used to get previously? Well you wouldn’t even imagine those. I was called the “trannie”, the “pure Satan offspring”, the “biggest mistake of the nature”- really whatever. I’m still laughing. By the time the camera was switching off everyone was begging for a photoshoot or an interview like their life depended on it. You can’t just pass this opportunity to get famous. It’s as strong as a drug. All this attention, all those lights really make you feel like you’re doing something good at last.

How much time could have passed for the sun to come out full force, burning my back like a motherfucker? I take a peek at my watch and I see it’s quarter past ten. Shit. I really should be going by now. How do I cut it out for her, hoping that she will eventually go to the doctor by herself? How do I escape her mouth from talking so slow or her eyes from following me like a predator’s?

-That’s alright and all, but...

-I know, you can’t tell right now, but everyday I was getting calls and visits from designers at my house by the shore to ask me if I would wear their shit. Yeah, I reached that peak. I mean, would you believe me if I told you I stumbled upon Dolce & Gabbana at the airport? Giving me their cards and all?

No. No I wouldn’t believe you.

-That’s all nice and dandy, Aphrodite, but something’s missing. I mean, what are you doing here? Like, for real.

You can’t make me believe she didn’t expect this to come up eventually, but here she is acting like that. Leaving sighs and staring into nothingness. Her voice even changes up a bit, gets a more serious tone to it, out of the blue.

-Do you really believe prostitutes tend to think about the future? I mean, really? Do they make plans of retirement or something? Especially the trans ones. Let me tell you, most of them can’t even think about making it to thirty, either from someone or themselves. I, personally, chickened out twice and got rescued three times, and you’re coming here telling me if I ever thought I would be here during my old days?

-With all these things you casually spill out of doing in the ‘90s you should be standing above thousands, even millions, with all of the doors wide open for you. What happened? How could you go from a house by the shore, a Mercedes and all these interviews to, you know… This?

Where, just to remind you, this is a fucked up caravan besides the highway where old fucks are coming to kick her in the neck.

-”What happened”. Like I never asked that to myself. I’m here, sitting and telling you a stuff or two about myself and you have the nerve to pull a “what happened”. What could have happened, big boy? What do you believe?

She seems really sensitive that not only I interrupted her story but in addition I questioned the lies she spices it with. Welp, what can you do, I already threw half of my morning out of the window with this one, we’re only left to see where is she going with all these delusions of her amazingly faked past. Like I have any time to spare.

-Tell me.

-It must be the place, dunno. You, for example, came here maybe for a piss stop and then back to work. And what a demanding work; holding a wheel until you don’t. But what about the whores? Whores got a body to maintain till its expiration date. After that, game over; again, if the make it there. If disgust hasn’t eaten them alive by then. If insecurities about everything starting to loosen up, or the ringing of the phone that eventually will go silent, or reaching the point of begging to keep on living cause family is not an option anymore. They go nuts, you see, they hold on from anything they can reach just to keep on feeling that all this they are going through really mattered. Just to keep on feeling like they are valued.

-So is this why you’re staying here? To feel like this matters? To get beaten up by old fucks and internally accepting it? Why don’t you ask for help?

-This is help. This old fuck is the only one that comes around and throws a penny for me to maintain myself. He’s the only one that fucks me, anyway. That’s why I’m here, for him- it’s his caravan after all. He lives about twenty minutes from here with a wife, kids and grandkids. He just likes to “get it out of his system” once every few days by fucking for free and beating me whenever I mention that I can’t do this anymore, because he is afraid that his whore isn’t loyal to him. But why am I saying all these things to you. I’m wasting my words. You still don’t believe me.

I don’t know where her truth and lies stand anymore, only that if she really lived all these things she’s a massive fool for not writing a book. I, for once, took too much of my time for all this crap. When I started heading back to the track she switched to her first ways, telling me that “I’m doing the right thing” or that the old guy with the mustache “really has a gun and doesn’t mess around”. Yeah, whatever. I get in and peep Aphrodite behind the window waiting on the chair for me to go but something inside makes it hard for me to start the truck. It’s quarter to eleven but her endless chatter seem to get my weariness going. As time passes and the truck stays still, Aphrodite eventually heads back to the caravan shutting the door behind her. I’m kinda relieved. But I’m still madly curious, what can I do? Ah, fuck it, Romania can wait a bit more. I pull out my phone and search blindly, trying to find anything at all.

Aphrodite.

Trans.

Prostitute.

‘90s.

Modeling.

Enter.

I couldn’t feel anything less than a dick at this point. It seems unreal. Not only she was legit, but she toned things down a little in her story. The photoshoots were indeed professional and stunning, while I found an interview of her on an ancient tv talk show I never really knew existed where she explains how much her life changed due to the massive exposure she got at this point. Same as today, minus the touches of time on her. But most of all happy. Really all this attention made her bloom ridiculously. Magazine covers, runways, pageants; all enough to back up not only Aphrodite's public existence but also her relations with really established and rich individuals. And all of there as cute as hell, but where did all these money go? Well, the answer lies to a more recent past, this time inside tabloid news articles.

Only three to four year ago, Aphrodite spawns once again, this time in Jerusalem (what the fuck) in order to get closer with her faith and a highly respected priest there. So damn respected that people wouldn’t stop to talk about their “secret” meetings late at night, to the point where photos and videos leak publicly. Result? These tabloid fucks smell the blood from far, far away and get to hunting the story. The priest goes public, says “sorry guys, my mistake, Satan trapped me and such, didn’t want to, sorry again, peach to all”, gets thrown away from the local church and that was pretty much the end. Aphrodite on the other hand vanishes once again up until this point, right here, on this parking lot besides the highway.

I guess that’s what she meant with that “you heard nothing about priests yet” earlier. Maybe I should have listen more carefully or see her face better in order to recognize her from all this priest thing that blew up literally everywhere back then. Either way, my curiosity stopped killing me but guilt took over me. With my route schedule gone to the shitter already, I knock her caravan door till she opens with death in her eyes. I show her the interview I found on my phone.

-It’s you, isn’t it?

-That’s really a shame, big boy. What do you do with all these truck stuff. You should be working for NASA by now.

I was wrong before. This point right here is where I can’t feel anything less than a dick.

She invited me inside and made me sit right across a really slow fan that was spinning just for the aesthetics in order to make me feel less of a sweaty pig. The caravan looks way more comfy on the inside with a massive bed and a narrow sofa but the mountains of hoarding shit and snack packaging lying around here and there do no favors. It’s a good option for holidays, but absolutely not for regularly living inside of it. Aphrodite doesn’t seem to bother with my snoopy eyes. She holds the phone with both hands while carrying the cold look. As if she doesn’t recognize herself. As if she doesn’t want to.

-When was that?

-Not sure. ‘95? Later than that? I only recall just how rude and creepy this interviewer was. He didn’t hit on me or anything like that, it’s just that he was always an ass kisser in front of you and a shit talker behind your back. I didn’t get how much crude and sarcastic he was in that interview until years later. Now that I think of that, I guess everyone were kind of the same. But these were different times, more fabulous, more sparkly, more…. Innocent? I guess innocent isn’t the right word for it.

Then I show her the article about the priest. She kinda leaves a bitter smile there. She might no look exactly happy but nevertheless she must understood that in the end I kinda cared and dug up her whole history to make it up for myself after treating her like shit. She silently accepts it, even though with her fair share of reservations this time.

-That’s the most recent I could find, there’s nothing next to that. Would you mind telling me what happened next?

-One day my head was about to explode. I couldn’t do this anymore. All I wanted was to somehow save my soul from this pit of crap I ended up, and the idea stuck to me the moment I accidentally found grandma’s cross among my stuff. That was really it. I quit the job, closed my phone and traveled to churches and monasteries, throwing money around to buy a seat next to God. Turns out I found my Devil, though.

She’s way more reserved than before. I get that all of this might still cut deep and talking about it hurts like a bitch. I tell her she doesn’t really have to say anything she doesn’t want to and I am ready to leave her alone if she asks me to. She calmed my anxious ass with a simple nod.

-And the videos?

-I leaked them. I told you prostitutes don’t think about the future. I couldn’t even think about today at this point of my life; I was really in a shitty place. The priest wanted to go big, a bishop or something like that, and to do that she had to dump me. Like I was the one flirting with him in the first place. And he was the one supporting me, so what the fuck would I do there alone? That’s where a magazine came to me, no idea of its name, put money on my hand for the footage and came back with these money, just so nothing would remind of everything that played out down there. As you’d expect, money didn’t last forever. So I got to a point where I was like “what can I do”? I could never be a beggar and I could never go back to a brothel without people laughing at me, so I went from one old friend to another until someone finally decided to help.

-Someone. Like a cunt.

-Yeah, a cunt, I don’t know. It’s better than nothing.

I ran out of words. I’m no longer curious, no longer so guilty and for sure don’t feel pity for her. I can only say “good luck” and “take care” to her as I walk out; even though neither of these hold any value for her situation. She didn’t wanna hop on the truck because she didn’t feel like she has anywhere to go. I try to make her understand that anywhere is better than this misery and abuse. She responds somewhat philosophical, telling me that who knows, maybe someone might come up on this truck stop and can actually help her. Give her money to live or anything else she needs and then taking he-...

-Aphrodite! Out! Now!

The shouting from outside got her eyes open wide, staring at the door for a good second. I never believed I could see her scared shitless.

-You shouldn’t have done that, I told you so.

-Is this him?

I didn’t need an answer to that. Her bottom lip shaking like her jaw’s about to fall gives me all the information I need. She pulls my hand from the door to stop me. Too bad I already decided my approach. I smile at her to stop her from panicking and jump out with sun hanging above me. Ten meters on the left there’s the green Citroen with one door open and a bit closer there’s the old bastard standing a bit closer with a shotgun resting in his hands. The truck is straight ahead, forty steps or so. It’s just a sprint as the worst case scenario, big deal. Either way I bet his shaky hands could even load before shooting. Ha, there it is, haven’t I told you, he dropped the fucking shotgun. Ten more steps and hello Romania. I only feel bad that I didn't have the time to greet her for the last time before I go. I yell "goodbye" as I'm running but my voice isn't coming out at all. But again how could it be heard right here, right now with all those bang bang bang bang b…

The only thing I can make out of all this noise is her screaming from the back.

-No! Oh God!

#poetryriot #24hoursopen #abstractcommunity #poetryportal #twcpoetry #writerscreed #savage-words #illustrans #recognizingthevoiceless #bitsofstarglow #electricexhibition #story #short story #prose #prose poetry #writing #dialogue #poets on tumblr

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ndwainsider · 5 years

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The Road to Thumberslam

The NDWA's inaugural pay-per-view is almost upon us and the tension is palpable. The Thumb World Order has basically taken the league hostage, turning Mad Cow here at the eleventh hour and dominating the PPV's card from curtain jerk to final 4-count.

Here's what I don't get though: Is Baron Von Satan ever REALLY going to kick anyone out of the league? He's in real danger of his roster running roughshod over his authority, and I'm counting the baby faces too. Imagine what a guy like Hot Mott might get up to if he felt a sense of unchecked impunity. The Baron is going to have to back up his threats at some point or the tWo is going to kick HIM out.

A little birdie that was at the taping sang in my ear and told me there's a new Dynamo debuting this week on Thursday Night Thumbderdome. My feathered friend told me this rookie is a "real American," so I'd look for him or her to play a part in the scheduled main event tag team match of Thumbelina and The Mayday Marauder vs. The tWo.

Maybe Mayday won't LOSE for once.

Speaking of the Mayday Marauder, we're only a few weeks from what promises to be a powder keg of a match between he and Beefsteak McHurtlocker. The animosity between these two has been building for months and one is walking away the first NDWA champion. Is Beefsteak going to get his strength back in time to even stand a chance? I'm sure the tWo will have PLENTY to say about the outcome of that one. Mayday better watch his back.

Still, one of the most anticipated matches is that of Louie the Lush vs. Thumbelina for the Intercontinental Title. The alcoholic psycho vs. the baddest lady to ever biteth her thumb at thee. I'm looking for some real build up to this one on this week's Thumbderdome and I'll be surprised if this one doesn't steal the show at the PPV.

Steve the Temp was humiliated by the ruthless team of the Baron and Dan Austin last week. He's going to need to channel that frustration for all that it's worth if he's going to stand a chance against Tad Bagler. Maybe he can get his act together and leave the circled square with the hardcore title. Bagler is no slouch in the ring and CRAZY to boot.

The Aristocatastrophe vs. an ARMY of skeletrons? Look for Dr. Vector to make an uninvited appearance here.

Finally, one of the longest running feuds in NDWA history finally comes full circle at Thumberslam as Mad Cow takes on Hot Mott. These two have been at each other's throats since Mad Cow's appearance on "Hot Mott's Hot Box," an old fan favorite segment.

August 17 and Thumberslam are almost here, so be sure you're subscribed over at patreon.com/NDWAThumbs .

-Keith Fabian

NDWA Insider

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penpalkingdom · 5 years

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People of the internet! Behold, the offer of a lifetime: Me.

I am a human (or am I?)

I’m 16,almost 17, currently located in Bulgaria.

I spend my days drawing, writing and looking for cryptids.

My hobbies include:

- Binging on different shows (Doctor Who, Sherlock, IASIP, The Good Place, Project Runway, Superjail, Rick and Morty, Bojack Horseman…)

- Playing games (Dream Daddy, Space Funeral, Monster prom, OFF, Butterfly Soup, Hello Charlotte)

- Listening to music (i literally listen to absolutely everything except kpop; if you find a new band, ive already listened to them)

- I dont believe in zodiacs and tarot readings even though i do natal charts for my friends and own tarot cards

- Im a connoisseur of the meme culture

- I love stand up comedy.

- I want internet friends so i dont have to go outside

- I am a former emo and a weeb

- Youtube commentary channels are my life

- My top five favorite movies are : Dead Poets Society, American Psycho, Rushmore, Clockwork Orange and What We Do in the Shadows

Come find me and we’ll do stuff idk probably something related to Satan.

Tumblr is @necronomicon-for-children

Instagram is @necronomicon.for.children

#penpal #snailmail #postcards #electronic mail #online friends #internet friends #18-20 #20-25 #25-30 #30+#all ages #penpalkingdom #submission

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s-k-y-w-a-l-k-e-r · 5 years

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BoRhap made me remember how much I loved Queen, but the awards season & Christian Bale looking happy for Rami winning at the SAGs made me remember how much fandom loved Christian in the 90s/early 2000s. Which then made me hope that Rami & Christian get to have a nice talk about playing queer 1970s glam rock era characters in critically hated cult classic movies (Christian was in Velvet Goldmine, which is the ridiculous R-rated older cousin of BoRhap that's basically a Bowie biopic in disguise)

I have to admit that a major flaw I have is that I haven’t watched a lot of Christian’s work other than American Psycho, Empire of the Sun, and of course, Batman. He seems like a decent guy, though, who appreciates other good actors when he sees them. He’s been in the industry so long—he’s got to have some incredible insights for younger actors.

I definitely need to see Velvet Goldmine; I remember seeing it at the video rental place and being intimidated by its cover when I was in middle school.

Plus? After he thanked Satan for inspiring his portrayal of Dick Cheney, I was like, okay, I’m alright if this guy keeps winning stuff.

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thepenpalhub · 5 years

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People of the internet! Behold, the offer of a lifetime: Me.

I am a human (or am I?)

I'm 16,almost 17, currently located in Bulgaria.

I spend my days drawing, writing and looking for cryptids.

My hobbies include:

- Binging on different shows (Doctor Who, Sherlock, IASIP, The Good Place, Project Runway, Superjail, Rick and Morty, Bojack Horseman...)

- Playing games (Dream Daddy, Space Funeral, Monster prom, OFF, Butterfly Soup, Hello Charlotte)

- Listening to music (Crywank, Hollywood Undead, Tyler the creator, The Mars Volta, Hozier, Ghost Town, The 1975, Royal Blood, Die Antwoord, Kanye West, The Paper Chase, Hermit and the Recluse and a lot more)

- My fav thing to do when I'm feeling sad is mayking playlists

- I dont believe in zodiacs and tarot readings even though i do natal charts for my friends and own a tarot cards

- Im an avid connaisseur of the meme culture

- I love stend up comedy.

- I dabble in podcasts

- I want internet friends so i dont have to go outside

- I am a former emo and a weeb

- Youtube commentary channels are my life

- My top five favorite movies are : Dead Poets Society, American Psycho, Rushmore, Clockwork Orange and What We Do in the Shadows

Come find me and well do stuff idk probably something related to Satan.

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findafriend · 5 years

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People of the internet! Behold, the offer of a lifetime: Me.

I am a human (or am I?)

I'm 16,almost 17, currently located in Bulgaria.

I'm just an asexual girl with humor darker that my depression.

I spend my days drawing, writing and looking for cryptids.

My hobbies include:

- Binging on different shows (Doctor Who, Sherlock, IASIP, The Good Place, Project Runway, Superjail, Rick and Morty, Bojack Horseman...)

- Playing games (Dream Daddy, Space Funeral, Monster prom, OFF, Butterfly Soup, Hello Charlotte)

- Listening to music (Crywank, Hollywood Undead, Tyler the creator, The Mars Volta, Hozier, Ghost Town, The 1975, Gorillaz, Royal Blood, Die Antwoord, Kanye West, The Paper Chase, Hermit and the Recluse and honestly everything )

- My fav thing to do when I'm feeling sad is making playlists

- I dont believe in zodiacs and tarot readings even though i do natal charts for my friends and own tarot cards

- Im a connaisseur of the meme culture

- I love stend up comedy.

- I dabble in podcasts

- I want internet friends so i dont have to go outside

- I love musicals

- I am a former emo and a weeb

- Youtube commentary channels are my life

- My top five favorite movies are : Dead Poets Society, American Psycho, Rushmore, Clockwork Orange and What We Do in the Shadows

Tumblr is @necronomicon-for-children

Insta is @necronomicon.for.children

Come find me and well do stuff idk probably something related to Satan.

#internet friends #internet friend #online friends #online friend #looking for an internet friend #looking for an online friend #internet friend wanted #online friend wanted #online #internet #friend #friendship #bff wanted #find a friend #findafriend #friends #submission #Guys lets talk about memes

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tigerlover16-uk · 6 years

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My response to your Gohan post

Read your little post about Gohan. I’m reminded by Chris Claremont’s comment about readers’ complaints about his characterizing Wolverine from the psycho-killer to the ‘I’m a Man, not an Animal’ who wanted to progress from his violent instincts. They claimed he wasn’t cool anymore. The gist of his argument is that the 'psycho’ is cool and all that, but it gets boring; he likened that arrested characterization as an automatic toy: wind up for the big scene, etc., with no life to it. I’m further reminded by Moxzilla Vulpix and Hail Zeon’s “The Characterization of Gohan” piece, where their least favorite characterization is Ultimate, becoming Goku 2.0 without any of Gohan’s strengths. The Gohan portrayed in Kefla battle in the SUPER Manga symbolizes both these criticisms. (Yes, I do love Ultimate Gohan, but I think SUPER improved on that characterization by maintaining Gohan’s characteristics). He looks cool and…that’s it. No Gohan suffering the pain over committing Universal Genocide. No Gohan humbly apologizing to Piccolo while saving him. No Gohan who uses his brain against Obuni, Freeza/Frost, and Dyspo. Just Gohan being an automated Bad-Ass and that’s all they want.

Since that’s what they want, any characterization pieces are looked down upon. All the comments I get from the 'Playing with Pan and Satan’ scene is WTF?!? GOHAN’S POWER LEVEL IS DOWN TO SATAN?!? They self-insert their issues on Future Trunks and believe he was horribly disappointed over his Gohan visit (when it was the opposite). I saw one reaction video where Gohan hugging Videl and Pan was reacted with “Lame-O.” People complain about Goku being a Deadbeat Daddy despite his power BUT Gohan’s overtures to parenthood (giving up a promotion in order to be Pan’s parent) is shunned because he isn’t strong anymore. And then there are the comparisons between Ultimate Gohan and 'Burned-out-Tracksuit-RoF Gohan’ with “Oh how the mighty have fallen!” condemnation, completely ignoring the fact that Ultimate Gohan’s 'Fight you? I’m here to kill you! went to nothing (all he did was find Dende), while Burn-out Gohan got Goku and Vejita back to Earth! They wistfully wish Cell Games 'Teen’ Gohan was fighting in the US arc, ignoring that characterization’s weaknesses like panicking, needing motivation/hand-holding, or being so arrogantly stuck up he misses opportunities (the latter was a problem for Ultimate Gohan too; DBZ 'Bad-Ass Gohan’ and 'Fuck Up Gohan’ sound synonymous). SUPER’S mature and improved Fighter Gohan is ignored because he isn’t Bad-Ass enough.

I don’t see the point of feeling guilty for liking this stuff while the others go Boo-Hoo over their unfulfilled portrayal. Before SUPER came, I wanted to see Gohan as the devoted husband & father and I wanted him to wear the Kamesennin/Kami-same Gi, go Ultimate again, and actually be effective. All my wishes were granted. If the point of these fandom arguments is finding a Gohan to be satisfied about, then surely I’m the winner here. The complainers can rant and complain all they want and never get their way. My Gohan happened. Do I want more? Yes, who doesn’t? But I got what I wanted.

You pretty much summed up my attitude on the subject there.

I think a big part of the problem is that a lot of people never really paid that much attention to Gohan’s actual character up to the climax of the Cell saga when they were kids, or if they did he wasn’t their biggest point of interest compared to the likes of Goku or Vegeta. They noticed the build up of his hidden potential though, because that and his relationship with Piccolo were a point of interest, but most of them probably didn’t really start to care much about him until super Saiyan 2 happened, at which point everyone got all hyped up by the imagery of a jacked up, uber-powerful 11 year old that was closer to their age than the main character up to that point, and then just projected all of their power fantasies onto Gohan.

That’s what it really is. Gohan was a vessel for these people to project onto and they assumed they were promised an uber cool, macho hero that they could supposedly relate to more than Goku. And then when the story didn’t go in exactly the way they respected and Toriyama opted to let Gohan be an actual character instead, everyone threw a fit and felt betrayed.

I’ve made it clear my thoughts on Hail Zeon as a critic, but one thing I completely agree with him on and think there should be more discussion about is that the dragon ball fandom has a real problem with toxic masculinity.

There’s a very vocal segment of the Dragon Ball fandom that sees the series as nothing but violence, muscles and raw strength. That’s why Broly became so popular that they’re canonizing him in this movie, and why I suspect any possible moment in the film that might show him saying or doing something nice or having more to his character than “BIG, STRONG MANLY MAN!” is going to be met with comments along the lines of “Ugh, stop ruining his edge, Toei!” from a minority of people.

It’s a big reason why Vegeta, the aggressive and nasty eventual anti-hero became the most popular character in the American and Western European fandom to this day. (And no, it’s not the only reason and Vegeta is a good character. But let’s be real here) and why people get really angry and entitled whenever Vegeta isn’t treated like he’s the main character instead of Goku and given all the important wins, to the point that someone’s making a fan film for the expressed purpose of having him wreck everyone because the fan thought Vegeta in Z and Super was treated as a “Chump”.

It’s the entire reason why characters like Krillin, Yamcha, and anyone that’s not a hyper macho character or otherwise portrayed as “Weak” is treated like worthless trash that’s only good for derisive jokes at their expense and they need to stay out of the action and stop hogging screen time so the “Real men” like Vegeta, Piccolo and Goku can do all the cool stuff.

It’s why slice of life moments and stuff showing the characters having fun or being in silly or cute situations is met with retching and groans from some people. It’s why Ribrianne is hated on to the extent that she is, because she’s fat and “Ugly” and super feminine and everyone complains that she’s a useless nuisance that can’t fight and doesn’t live up to the hype other characters give her (Missing the point that the other characters do overhype her in-universe and the subtext that that’s a contributing factor for some of her character flaws).

It’s why so many people obsess over power levels and transformations and action while ignoring themes and character writing for anyone that isn’t Vegeta.

And it’s the reason behind a lot of other things too.

The fandoms treatment of Gohan’s character is just one of the most blatant examples of this whole nonsense because he had one big moment that fooled these people into thinking he was going to be the character that embodied everything they thought they wanted from Dragon Ball, only for the series to then have the “Gall” to go in a different direction and somewhat deconstruct that notion.

#submission #gohan #son gohan #dragon ball z

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qqueenofhades · 6 years

Note

FAKE MARRIED GARCY IN SALEM, WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE GO

Well I also wrote a much smuttier version of this here, but with New Spoiler Information oh Glorious Day, yes. This is now like my… fourth Salem fic. Who needs self-control.

The muggy New England summer air smells familiar, and Lucy can’tthink why, until it comes to her. She did a program at Harvard in her sophomoreyear of high school, aimed at overachievers like her, in colonial Americanhistory. Her mother insisted it would look good on hercollege application, that they weren’t getting her into Stanford on nepotismalone, and of course Lucy went along with it. Wanted to work harder, wanted toplease her mother, wanted to be a historian just like her. Now, of course,they’re standing in 16-goddamn-92, her mother is here somewhere but Lucydoesn’t know where, and Wyatt –

(She doesn’t know where Wyatt is. He just went AWOL. Time forthe mission, he wasn’t there, and she wanted to, she was desperate to know, but they didn’t have time. It went againstabsolutely everyone’s better judgment, but she successfully argued Flynn intohis place. She and Rufus can’t go face a mob of witch-hunters without asoldier. It’s just a fact, and yet.)

Lucy turns around to look at Flynn and Rufus, clambering out ofthe Lifeboat with one more dirty look at each other. Or rather, a dirty lookfrom Rufus – Flynn, for once, seems almost chastened. He straightens up with agrimace, regarding the distant prospect of Salem Town without enthusiasm. Thisis his first trip back since they got him out, and it’s clear he is not at allhappy to see the past again. “So what do the bastards want?”

“That’s what we have to figure out.” Lucy is eager to keep thismission on track. “We have to get down into the village and ask some questions,we – ”

“Ask questions in the middle of a witch hunt?” Flynn pulls hisgun out and checks that it’s loaded. It’s clear what he thinks they’ll need todo, and Lucy isn’t sure he’s wrong. An image of the young soldier begging forhis life in 1918 floats into her head, as she can feel her own hands terriblysteady on the rifle stock, the recoil against her shoulder. She swallowssomething bad-tasting and reminds herself to focus. “Sounds like just the sortof thing to draw attention to us.”

“Like we don’t draw attention anyway!” Rufus snaps. “A blackguy, a psycho in a leather trench coat, and a strange woman! We’ve pretty muchgot targets on our backs already – you got any ideas of your own, or are youjust going to shoot down anything we come up with? Get it, shoot?”

Lucy looks at him in troubled concern, reaching out to put herhand on his arm, but Rufus imperceptibly flinches away. “Rufus,” she says.“It’s – it’s going to be all right.”

It sounds trite and stupid, knowing she can’t guarantee itanyway, but it makes Rufus soften enough to look at her. Both of them areclearly missing Wyatt, but Lucy at least trusts their replacement in a way thatRufus doesn’t at all, with good reason. “Come on,” she says. “Come on, okay?Rittenhouse will stick out as well, we won’t be the only strangers in town. Weneed to find Colonel Nathaniel Saltonstall, he’s the only man in Salem whoopposes the trials. Warn him that they’re going to get much worse, or…”

“So what’s our cover?” Rufus’s shoulders hunch. “I’m yourmanservant, because yay, racism andhe’s – ” He still can’t bring himself to say Flynn’s name. “Your pet mentalpatient?”

Flynn and Lucy look at each other, then open and shut theirmouths. Neither of them appear to have thought of this.

“We, ah,” Lucy says. “We’ll figure that out.”

They walk down the hill carefully. They’ve tangled with enoughof the Rittenhouse sleeper agents by now that they aren’t underestimatinganything, and Salem is already a town on edge for any hint of anything demonic.Lucy can’t be certain how far along in the trials they are, but it’s June, andthis started back in February, which means the hangings have either juststarted or are about to. Lucy is still trying to work out how Rittenhouse canmake this worse – hang more women?It’s a sick way to think about it, but since the world kills women all thetime, are a few extra casualties at Salem really going to make a difference?What do they have in mind aside from just…?

Lucy is also discovering that, as Rufus says, it’s very hard tomove around by herself. People turn and look at her as she walks byunaccompanied, until she wants to tell them that this religious-repressionthing is not going to work out for anyone and they should just give it a rest.But that, of course, would backfire on her in exactly the way they’re trying toavoid.

“Saltonstall?” Lucy asks someone, as politely as she can.“Nathaniel Saltonstall?”

The man, a middle-aged sort in a stiff black hat, eyes her verydubiously. “Where is your husband, mistress?”

Lucy doesn’t see what her marital status has to do with asking aquestion, unless he thinks she’s a concubine of Satan here to tempt him. Heprobably does, but that’s not helpful. She’s about to tell the truth, until shecatches sight of Flynn across the way, and nods at him. “Over there.”

The man eyes Flynn, seems to decide he may not want to pick afight, and finally jerks his head. “Saltonstall lives up the close. That way.”

“Thank you.” Lucy decides to avoid pushing her luck, but sheshould warn Flynn before someone else asks. She hurries back in his direction.“I found where Saltonstall lives. Where’s Rufus?”

“He went in to ask.” Flynn jerks his head at the shop. “Didn’tseem to want me to come.”

Lucy looks at him in a blend of exasperation, weariness, anduncertain, unspoken – something. She doesn’t know what, she never does with him. Finally she says, blurting it out as fast as possible, “I – overthere, that man. I – I may have told him that we were married. Just in caseanyone asks.”

An extraordinary expression crosses Flynn’s face, which hequickly tamps down. Then he nods. “Yes,” he says curtly. “I see. Sensible.”

Lucy eyes him for a moment longer, but whatever else she mightbe about to say is interrupted as Rufus re-emerges, looking disgruntled.“Saltonstall lives that way,” he says, pointing – in the opposite way Lucy’sbeen directed. “Apparently.”

“Wait, are you sure? The other man said it was that way.”

Rufus frowns at her. It’s clear that it’s unlikely for twopeople who have presumably lived here their entire lives to get the residenceof a well-known citizen wrong, and Lucy feels a faint chill down her spine.Then she says, “I’ll go look at this one, you two the other, then we – ”

“Split up?” Flynn scowls at her. “What sort of husband am Isupposed to be, exactly?”

It’s on the tip of Lucy’s tongue to remind him that technically,he’s no husband at all, that was just a convenient lie, but she stops. “Look.”She reaches out to put a hand on his wrist. “You and Rufus need to work on somethings, clearly. I’ll be all right for five minutes.”

“One of our informants is either lying or an idiot, Lucy.” Hiseyes don’t leave her face. “I don’t like those odds.”

“I’ll be fine.” Lucy’sfingers inadvertently link around his, and both of them glance at it. Shespends a lot of time these days convincing people of this. “I trust you. Rufusdoesn’t. Just… look after him, all right? Do that for me.”

Flynn’s gaze remains on her, as if asking who is going to lookafter her. Finally, somewhat tooslowly, he pulls his hand out of hers. “Five minutes, then back here.”

“Of course.” Lucy beckons them off. “Go on.”

When they’ve crossed the square, not without a look back at her,she picks up her skirts and hurries in the direction indicated by the man sheasked. It’s a somewhat ordinary-looking house, a little drab for a colonel anddecorated townsman, and Lucy feels a brief qualm that this was in fact somekind of setup. Still, she braces herself and knocks.

After a pause, a young woman opens the door. She doesn’t lookRittenhouse, but Lucy has learned by now that that is a fallacious distinction– Rittenhouse can look like anything, that’s their gift. “Can I help you,mistress?”

“I’m sorry for the interruption.” Lucy smiles deferentially. “IsNathaniel Saltonstall here?”

The woman squints at her in confusion. “What? No. I’m AbiahFranklin.”

AbiahFranklin. Lucy’s pretty sure that name sounds familiar, though she can’tthink why. “I’m sorry, I – have we… met?”

“Not that I recall. My husband Josiah, he’s a candlemaker upfrom Boston, and we’ve – ” Abiah gestures at their present surroundings. “Beendelayed returning.”

JosiahFranklin. A candlemaker from Boston. That now, that, Lucy doesknow, and a bolt of lightning goes through her. Josiah and Abiah Franklin haveten children, the first of whom might have already been born, but the last sonof which won’t be born until 1706. His name? Benjamin. Abiah Franklin is fromNantucket, but she’s not supposed to be anywhere near Salem, was neveroriginally accused or mixed up in this. But if she was lured here, ifRittenhouse is going to arrest her, if Benjamin is never born –

“Who did you say you were?” Abiah frowns at Lucy. Visits fromstrange women asking about prior acquaintances aren’t exactly welcome rightnow. “Mrs…?”

“Flynn. Mrs. Flynn. My husband and I are… also passingthrough. I’m sorry, I was told this was the Saltonstall house for some reason,but – ”

Abiah doesn’t answer. Her eyes are fixed over Lucy’s shoulder,at someone – something – coming closer. Lucy whirls around at the same time,and thus learns the literal meaning of “torches and pitchforks.”

This was a setup. She was directed here at the same time thewitchfinding mob was already coming for Abiah. Now here she is, in apparentcahoots with Rittenhouse’s Number One target, who they will have told everyoneis the worst witch alive, and –

“Wait,” Lucy says, holding out her arms and frantically tryingto beckon Abiah behind her. “Wait, wait, thisis a mistake. No, you can’t take her, no. No!”

“Silence, witch!” The leader of the brute squad aims a backhandat her, which Lucy only barely dodges. “We have received sworn testimonies asto this woman’s most despicable and demonic character, her consort with thedevil, her – ”

Briefly, Lucy thinks if anyone is consorting with the devilhere, it’s not Abiah, but that is not helpful (and not true – Flynn isn’t thedevil, not by a long shot). She grabs onto the man’s arm, doesn’t know if he’sanother sleeper agent or just a zealous local thug. “YOU CAN’T TAKE HER!”

Abiah is startled, not expecting this defense from a woman she’snever seen, as one of the witchfinders shoves Lucy aside – she stumbles,banging her shoulder on the door – to grab Abiah. Someone else snatches Lucy,and she kicks and struggles, at least until another blow catches her across theface, and she sees stars. The shock of it is worse than the pain. She has neveractually been hit before. Not like that, personally and directly, and it makesher bite her tongue with a click. She’s dazed enough that she can’t reallystruggle as they’re hauled off.

They’re dumped in a hot, close room with other women in theirwhite mob caps and collars, everyone huddled and sweaty and scared and notwilling to meet anyone’s gaze. Lucy’s eye is swelling, and Abiah hesitates,then unties her kerchief and dips it in the scanty bucket of drinking water,dabbing at it. “Are you all right?”

“I’m…” Lucy knows that this is not the greatest situation,that the accused are often tried and hanged quickly, that she disappeared justas she promised Flynn and Rufus she wouldn’t, and there’s no guarantee thatthey have any clue where she is. Maybe the frothing mob was a clue, but –perhaps they were too far away. Maybe they found Saltonstall, or maybeRittenhouse found them. Lucy musters a shaky smile. “I’m all right. We have toget you out of here.”

Abiah frowns at her quizzically. “Why me?”

“Because you’re… you’re not supposed to be here, are you?”Lucy tries to think how to phrase this without sounding totally insane. “You’reinnocent.”

“So are you.” Abiah looks wry. “So are all these women. But thatdoesn’t matter right now, does it?”

“I… no.” Lucy stops. Life-threatening peril is just Mondayfor her now, so it’s not as if this is a terrible shock to the system. But thisis just stupid. Even more, perhaps, because she could have, should have seenthis coming, and walked straight into it anyway. Proving something, or tryingto show that she could Handle This, or – she doesn’t know. It was reckless.“I’m sure someone will come for you.”

“Josiah’s been gone since yesterday.” A fine line of worrycreases Abiah’s brows. “What about your husband?”

Yes, Lucy thinks, Josiah probably has been. Either Rittenhousekilled him, and cut out the bother of getting Abiah convicted, or they justinvented something to keep him out of town while they do God knows what withhis wife and the other women. Then, since Abiah’s still waiting for an answer,Lucy says, “My, ah, my husband will… he’ll come. If he can find out intime.”

She doesn’t know where the conviction arises from, when afterall, in all logicality, she shouldn’t be sure if Flynn will leave her here ornot. But she isn’t. She just knows. He’ll come.

If he can find out in time.

If they don’t kill him too.

If he and Rufus don’t kill each other.

Lucy settles against the wall and tries to think positively.

Things, to say the least, do not go well when Flynn and Rufusreturn from their errand (it was Saltonstall’s house, but he wasn’t there) tofind Lucy gone, rumors making the rounds that two more witches have beenseized, and that the Court of Oyer and Terminer is convening for an emergencysession. It takes them a bit, but they confirm that one of the women is a Mrs.Franklin, and the other is a Mrs. Flynn. At this, Rufus’s eyebrows almost flyoff his head, but he swivels to stare pointedly at Flynn. “I’m taking it that’sher?”

“Must be. Yes.” Flynn tries to focus, to speak calmly, but histhoughts have turned into a screaming wall. Mrs.Franklin seems tangentially important as well, but he can only focus on onething. They have her. Rittenhouse has her, or at least these pitchfork-wavingshitheads do, and –

No. No. Not this. Not again.

He and Rufus have an even more rocky time trying to find whereLucy is being held. It might be faster to split up, but like hell are theydoing that again, especially as nightfall draws near and the mood of the townis clearly ripe for suffering. Humans have always gotten something perverse andprimal about watching their fellows be hurt, and a public hanging, thespectacle of an accused witch cast down, is unmissable. Ripe familyentertainment. God, these people need Netflix to be invented.

(Besides. There will be no hanging. No hanging.)

He and Rufus are too focused on finding Lucy to snark – much –especially when they get waylaid by the Puritan brute squad and a number ofthem regretfully run face-first into Flynn’s fists. They barely get away fromthat when some weasels who are definitely Rittenhouse jump Rufus, and Flynn hasto waste more time taking them out. When he finally gives a rather breathlessRufus a hand to his feet, the other man looks at it for a long moment, thenaccepts. “I didn’t think you were going to do that,” he says stiffly, brushinghimself off. “So. Thanks. For that.”

Flynn jerks his head in a brief nod. “You said if I got youshot, I was driving.”

“Yeah.” Rufus looks warily down the dark street. “So that wasit?”

“And I…” Flynn blows out a breath. “I owed you one. ForChicago. I had my reasons. But… I’m sorry.”

Rufus looks at him again, taken off guard. Finally he says, “Youknow, you were right about one thing.Rittenhouse is really terrible.”

Flynn almost smiles, but it’s too grim. “Come on,” he saysinstead. “Let’s find Lucy.”

They end up barely doing this in time. Flynn doesn’t know whatassholery has gone on, but they make it to the hanging hill just as Lucy andher companion are being marched up to where the noose dangles ominously from atree. In the wild, uncertain torchlight, Lucy’s face actually looks scared, andFlynn doesn’t know what happens, exactly, or what breaks inside him. Only thatsomething does, there is a sea of torches and leering, angry, frightened faces,and he’s not, he’s just utterly and fundamentally not, about to let this happen again.

“GET AWAY FROM MY WIFE!” He jumps down, pulls out his gun, andfires a warning shot in the direction of who looks like the asshole-in-chief –Mather, Flynn thinks that’s the one, Cotton Mather. There are screams and scramblesas the Salemites dodge for cover, Rufus whirls around and punches one in thenose – not the best punch, perhaps, but he’s learning – and he and Flynn rolltoward the gallows like a juggernaut, as Lucy catches sight of them. Her eyeslock with Flynn’s, and something twists in his gut like a dagger. It’s sweetand deadly and unbearable and transcendent all at once.

The next instant, Flynn reaches the gallows, holds out his armsto her, and Lucy wastes no time at all in leaping down into them. He holds herclose, wrapping his jacket around her, but she doesn’t want comfort, exactly. “Mrs.Franklin!” she yells, pointing up at the other woman. “Get her!”

Flynn doesn’t want to let go of Lucy, but he also wants to followher instructions, so he pushes Lucy back to Rufus’s custody, swivels to punchanother attempted interfering idiot, and holds out his arms for the mysterious Mrs.Franklin. As he lifts her down, she gives him a curious, relieved, shaky look. “Youmust be Lucy’s husband?”

A certain, impossible, desperate joy sweeps through him. Heallows himself, for one raw moment, to imagine it. It will be left behind inthe past anyway. It always is. It fades.

“Yes,” Flynn says. “Yes, I am.”

It takes more time after that for them to get away from the mob,to make it back to the house where Lucy was held and to rescue the other women –Lucy has no interest in preserving history to the letter anymore, feels a ferociousthrill as she, Rufus, and Flynn haul them to their feet and tell them to run –and order Abiah to go as well, find her Josiah and go back to Boston and livethe life she was planning. There is other idiocy, because there always is, butfinally, it’s very late (or very early, there’s a flush of pink in the east),the battered trio is climbing back to the Lifeboat, and Lucy is so exhaustedthat she’s swaying on her feet. As Flynn gives her an arm, seemingly withoutthinking or meaning to, she grips hold of it and looks up at him. “Thank you,”she says, quietly and fiercely. “Thank you for coming for me.”

He looks as if he might come back with one of his usual Flynn comments,but he doesn’t. Instead, almost choked, he nods. “Did you think I’d let thosebastards get you?”

“No.” Lucy is so tired, so tired. His face floats weirdly in thedarkness, among the stars. “I knew you’d save me.”

Flynn tries again to answer, and can’t. Instead, all at once, heslides one arm behind her shoulders, the other below her knees, and carries her(fittingly – they are faux-married,after all) bridal-style the rest of the way back to the Lifeboat. She lets herhead drop onto his shoulder, her eyes drifting closed, as they finally reachit, he sets her down, and he and Rufus haul the brush aside – they really hadto hide it well on this trip. They aren’t exactly friendly, but there seems tohave been something to pass between them as well.

Flynn comes back to pick Lucy up off the stump where she’s beensitting, and helps her up the steps. Their hands linger in each other’s grip,and don’t let go immediately.

It’s not much waiting back in 2018, but it’s their home.

Theirs.

Who would ever have thought.

“All right,” Lucy says quietly. “Let’s go.”

#lucy x flynn #garcy #garcy ff #timeless ff #how many salem fics will i write #more #many more #extasiswings #ask

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doomedandstoned · 6 years

Text

Doomed & Stoned Turns Five!

Coinciding with Doomed & Stoned's fifth anniversary, Todd Severin of The Ripple Effect talks to Editor in Chief Billy Goate about this bitchin' lil blog, from its inauspicious beginning in the summer of 2013 as a simple social media platform to bring together lovers of the doom-stoner sound to dabbling in its own music festival, a massive compilation series, podcasting, and of course album reviews and interviews. Touching on both the joys and challenges of coordinating a multinational team of contributors, Billy discusses battles with burnout, the excitement of new discoveries, and the struggle to stay on top of an exponentially mushrooming music scene.

Photo by Chris Schanz

Let's start with the obvious: why Doomed & Stoned?

The name Doomed & Stoned isn't really meant to be edgy, though it does have a nice ring to it. It came to me as a simple way to sum up the heavy vibe that is the heart and soul of our writing: doom metal and stoner rock. I consider those to be the enduring styles of true metal and classic rock 'n' roll, best encapsulated by the music of Black Sabbath. Sabbath played music that was famously downtuned, slow, plodding, and somber, documented so incredibly by those first four albums. Then they had their up-tempo swings that tapped into the feel-good era of the 1970s, "Hole In The Sky" and "The Wizard" comes immediately to mind, as does "Sabbra Cadabra" and a number of songs on Sabbath Bloody Sabbath (1973) -- such a forward-looking album. Black Sabbath is the quintessential doomed and stoned band and it has been, broadly speaking, the stylistic portfolio of music we've decided to hone in on for this venture.

Photos by Alyssa Herrman

As soon as I was turned on to the doom-stoner vibe, I began to notice things happening into my own backyard of Portland, Oregon. At the time, Oregon’s proudest exports were bands like Witch Mountain, Yob, Lord Dying, Danava, and a handful of others that were being signed left and right to labels like Relapse and Profound Lore. Well, I just started documenting everything, because I felt there was something really special happening here, much as there'd been a magical vibe about our sister city Seattle in the '90s when my family had moved up here from East Texas.

It all began with me showing up randomly at shows and shooting live footage, I believe the first was the Portland Metal Winter Olympics in 2014, then Hoverfest. Initially, no one knew who the hell this guy was showing up with his camera, but gradually I became more accepted by the community, which opened up opportunities for doing interviews, album reviews, and a big 75-band compilation of the Portland scene, which kicked off this massive series of scene comps that many know Doomed & Stoned best for.

youtube

Yob at Hoverfest (Film by Billy Goate)

What gave you this crazy idea of promoting the scenes to the rest of the world?

Doomed & Stoned originated out of a frustration I had in sharing discoveries like Windhand, Saint Vitus, Sleep, and Goatsnake with my metal friends. Many wouldn’t give these bands a chance or listened for half-a-minute and gave up. Surely, I thought to myself, there must be others out there who were just as in love with the doom-stoner genre as I am. It wasn’t long until I met Melissa Marie in a metal forum. I told her what I was planning, she was down, and together we burrowed in the heavy underground and discovered a whole community there welcoming us. Melissa was my first contributor and along the way, we made acquaintances with aspiring writers and photographers who really caught the vision and volunteered to document their own scenes. She's since become my executive editor and the organizer of our flagship festival in Indianapolis.

Suzi Uzi and Melissa Marie at Doomed & Stoned Fest

Just like that, the Doomed & Stoned team was born. Roman Tamayo joined the team shortly afterwards, now the Editor of Doomed & Stoned Latinoamérica and I started meeting people from all over who wanted to contribute an album review here, a bit of concert footage there. It all happened very naturally and organically, fueled by simple passion, a mutual love of fuzzy, downtuned riffs, and a desire to document the energy and excitement of what we were all witnessing -- Demon Lung in Las Vegas, Orchid in San Francisco, Pale Divine in Pennsylvania, Pilgrim in Rhode Island. It didn't take us long to discover was going on in the rest of the world and it blew our ever-lovin' minds.

With the explosion in blogging and desktop publishing, we gradually discovered there was a loose network of folks covering the doom-stoner scene all over the world, too. Most of them have been very friendly and we’ve even had the opportunity to collaborate with folks like The Sludgelord, Outlaws of the Sun, The Ripple Effect, Invisible Oranges, Revolver, Blabbermouth, and so many more. There are others that wouldn’t acknowledge our existence -- still won't to this day -- I’m guessing because we were viewed as unwelcome competition in an already small market with a tight circle of friendships. The thing is, we never really wanted to compete with anyone; we just wanted an outlet to share our love of music. It’s hard not to be competitive sometimes, of course. Competition can be positive in that it inspires you to push yourself, try new things, and grow.

Stephanie Cantu, Frank Heredia, and Elizabeth Gore at Psycho Las Vegas

That said, since none of the 20+ contributors to Doomed & Stoned are doing this full-time, we want ultimately just want to have fun and you can’t enjoy the ride if you’re constantly trying to outdo this site or that. We found our niche in digging into local scenes and telling the stories of the bands who may very well be the next Sleep or Windhand a decade or two into the future.

We're now in the fifth year of our existence and I feel we’re becoming known as people willing to give bands and their local scenes the kind of in-depth coverage they deserve. That speaks to our motto: “Bringing you the music and the stories of the heavy underground, with an emphasis on the Sabbath Sound and local scene coverage -- by the underground, for the underground.”

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Disenchanter at Doomed & Stoned Winter Showcase (Film by Billy Goate)

How has the scene grown and changed in the intervening years?

Well, since those bright-eyed early days, the doom-stoner scene has absolutely exploded. We were lucky enough to time our entry, purely by happenstance, to ride that wave just as it was nearing its crest. Right now, the scene is at least twice as big as it was five years ago and it’s becoming practically impossible to listen to all the new albums coming out, even if we limit the consideration to just doom metal, or even a subgenre of doom like blackened doom or death doom. It becomes a matter of practicality to prioritize those albums that are brought to your attention by PR firms and record labels, but I always remember that some of our greatest discoveries have been unsigned bands.

Over the years, we’ve been lucky enough to discover bands like Disenchanter, Holy Grove, Troll, Year of the Cobra, Toke, and dozens of others that have since risen to international prominence. Just to know you were there the moment their demo showed up on Bandcamp. You were among the first to listen to their self-produced CD on the commute to work. You were there to witness them opening for a touring headliner. You wrote their first review. You made that social media post that sparked a fire of interest. You recommended them to one of your overseas blogger pals. All of that is tremendously gratifying to be a part of.

Toke at Doomed & Stoned Festival I (photo by Johnny Hubbard)

We're all the product of our musical past. What's your musical history? First album you ever bought? First musical epiphany moment? First album that terrified the hell out of you?

I was raised by parents who came of age in the ‘50s and ‘60s, so I was exposed initially to a lot of late-‘60s rock, big band jazz, and later the ‘70s radio pop. Mom was fond of playing three classical music albums with a mix of music by Mozart, Beethoven, and Rossini, and that left a very powerful impression on me early on. She also was fond of Olivia Newton John, so I have “Jolene” permanently etched on my psyche and every so often vainly attempt singing it in the shower.

My first vinyl was the Ghostbusters soundtrack, which dad bought for me, and it unleashed a curiosity for the popular music of the ‘80s. Like a lot of my friends at school, I was nuts about Michael Jackson and I remember asking dad if I could have one of those swank red jackets that he wore so famously in “Thriller” (I was denied, though I did get quite good at grade school moonwalking). I distinctly remember the day my family got cable TV for the first time and with it MTV, which brought the music of Metallica, Boy George, Madonna, Aerosmith, and Run-DMC into our conservative Texas household.

It didn’t last long, because somewhere in the mid-‘80s, my family got caught up in the whole “Satanic Panic” movement. They started monitoring my listening habits vigilantly. One day, for instance, my mom was horrified to find her ten-year-old boy singing along to “Nobody’s Fool” by Cinderella during Casey Kasem’s American Top 40 show. From that point on, both rock and metal were banned from the house and my radio was confiscated. It was too late, though, because I was hooked – particularly by metal. Something about it has always moved me in a way that only classical music has matched. My first metal album, which I purchased in secret, was ‘Appetite for Destruction’ by Guns ‘n’ Roses – which at the time represented the pinnacle of late ‘80s heavy metal. People need to understand how revolutionary it was to hear something that “hard” on mainstream radio and MTV. I listened to it and ‘Lies’ incessantly on my Walkman and continued listening clandestinely to FM hard rock and heavy metal.

Since I couldn’t listen to it openly, I started developing an interest in the darker side of classical music, the moodier pieces by Beethoven, Liszt, and Scriabin, and took up playing the piano around 13. My family was supportive of that talent and I would spend hours and hours a day for years playing the piano in solitude. That was my first introduction, in kernel form, to “doom” – especially late Beethoven, when he started growing deaf and began expressing his frustration and despair more poignantly through dark tones. Franz Liszt, later in life, experienced so much tragedy that he begin to write very bleak, obscure music and was one of the first to experiment with atonality.

It wouldn’t be until my college days that I’d come face-to-face with doom at a Saint Vitus show in Portland. From that moment forward, I knew I’d discovered my soul food. Doom metal made an immediate connection, as it addressed the fucked up nature of life and society in a way that felt authentic to me. It wasn’t just anger. It was dark, slow despair and even a blithe kind of acceptance to it all. It was refreshing to have those feelings mapped out in song like that. That triggered a wave of discovery that led to Usnea, Cough, Pilgrim, Demon Lung, Serpentine Path, Undersmile, and others that are now staples of my musical diet.

Drumhead from Doomed & Stoned Festival II

What do you see happening in the music scene today, good and bad?

More people are digging to the doom-stoner sound and the scene is growing exponentially. The internet has democratized music in a way that has made it easier than ever for bands to form, record, and share their music. It’s also made it much, much harder for a band to get discovered. We’re simply oversaturated by it all. We’re reaching peak information and many listeners have just stopped exploring altogether. I think there was a study done some years back that said by the late-20’s/early-30’s the average metal listener typically hardens in their musical tastes. I don’t know how true that is still, but I know that I’ve been increasingly suffering from listening fatigue. 2014 was the last year I felt on top of it all. 2015 was explosive and every year since has found me woefully behind in my listening. I’m still digging through the rubble and discovering incredible records that I share now and then in a series of short reviews I call, “Doomed Discoveries.”

Among the trends I’ve seen in our scene in particular is the increase in female-fronted bands (which we tried to document in our compilation, The Enchanter’s Ball) along with more experimentation with genre blending. It’s becoming harder to find bands who traffic in traditional doom, but that’s fine because I think we all needed more diversity in our playlist to keep us from becoming jaded. For a while, it seemed every other band was “witch” this and “black” that. I’m the last person to judge a band by its name, but it was leading to a ton of criticism from fans -- to the point I’d have a hard time getting doom-stoner listeners to take a chance with a newer band that had the word “wizard” in their name. One thing that seems to be a theme of the doom-stoner scene is a continual drive for excellence and evolution. On the negative side, we tend to expect more of our heroes, as a result -- which is why bands like The Sword and Electric Wizard have been criticized for producing music that would have otherwise excited us if they were a brand new band.

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Holy Grove at Hoverfest (Film by Billy Goate)

What's been your all-time greatest "find"? That band you "discovered" before anyone else and started the word spreading?

It’s hard to pinpoint one band, but I’ve been instrumental in boosting the music of Holy Grove, Disenchanter, Troll, and Year of the Cobra -- all bands from out of the Pacific Northwest. Initially they were promoted through Doomed & Stoned and then found their way to small-to-medium sized record labels and festivals. Over half of the bands that played the Vinyl Stage at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in the inaugural year of Psycho Las Vegas were my direct recommendations. Though I was less involved in the following year, Psycho Las Vegas booked most of the bands that appeared at Doomed & Stoned Festival, such as Merlin, Toke, and Youngblood Supercult. It was a huge confidence booster in Doomed & Stoned’s ability to be a “taste tester.” This is not to say our taste in bands has always been picked up by festivals or record labels. The scene is getting bigger and out of necessity bands have to diversify their reach through a multiplicity of media outlets, because you never know who will read that one feature at the right time and dig your sound. Besides, there’s too much music in the doom-stoner subgenre for any one site to cover right now, so there are plenty of great recommendations coming from a number of amazing blogs and webzines.

What's the last album to grab you by the throat and insist you listen?

Definitely ‘Celestial Cemetery’ (2017) by Purple Hill Witch. I was only a nominal fan of their first album, but their second one was quite convincing, emotionally. There’s an underlying sadness to the record that appeals to me as a person who has long battled depression.

Celestial Cemetery by Purple Hill Witch

What's the hardest thing you encounter in promoting shows?

Convincing people that live music is worth leaving the comfort of our homes to experience, to say nothing of many benefits that come from connecting others in the underground music community. These days, we tend to value how conveniently something can be delivered to us. Audio books have replaced the need to sit and read (and collect printed media), our homes have become veritable theaters so no need to go out for movies anymore, and streaming high-definition music makes us feel like we’re in some sense getting the real deal.

Of course, those of us who go out to shows know there’s just no substitute for the excitement, energy, and sound of a well-produced live show, especially in a small venue. This is to say nothing of the community that comes with it. My best friendships in the scene have come about because I chose to breach my comfort zone and venture out to a show, sometimes merely on a whim. With that said, I admit I struggle with convincing myself to go out. It’s the introvert in me, I suppose. However, I have a saying that I try to live by: “Feel the fear and do it anyway.”

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Witch Mountain -- first tour with Kayla Dixon (Film by Billy Goate)

If you could write a 1,000 word essay on one song, which one would it be, and why? What makes that song so important?

Funny, I actually did write a 1,000+ word essay on Cough’s “Possession” -- the only song I’ve been moved to write an entire piece about so far. I think it’s because it spoke to me during a time in my life where I was feeling such raw, charged emotion and witnessing a personal transformation from being a happy-go-lucky, easy-going dude, to someone emptied of hope and weighted down by a very nihilistic outlook and pessimistic thinking. This was, in turn, keeping me more closed off from other people, because my trust level was at an all-time low.

I’ve always valued music for its ability to commiserate with me in my circumstances. During Basic Training it was Superunknown and Down on the Upside by Soundgarden. In my college days, it was Alice in Chain’s last album just prior to the death of Layne Staley, which fans nicknamed Tripod. In 2016, Cough returned after a long absence, released Still They Pray, and headlined the first ever Doomed & Stoned Festival in Indianapolis. It was a year of transition for me with a lot of upheaval in my personal life and “Possession” seemed to capture my inner storm perfectly, which inspired me to write a few words about it.

Give us three bands that we need to keep our eyes out for.

White Wail: The grooviest psychedelics this side of Berlin are nested right here in Yob country, my hometown of Eugene, Oregon. White Wail is best described as part-Graveyard, part-Radio Moscow, with a special kind of DIY electricity that has made them hands down one of the most entertaining live acts in the region. Their upcoming second album is going to put them on the map for many people, I predict.

I by White Wail

Reptile Master: Norwegian doom-sludge clan with two guitars, two basses, a drum, and one unhinged vocalist. You’ll find none fiercer. “The Sorcerer’s Weed” (opening number off their first LP, In The Light of a Sinking Sun) is positively frightening. I can feel its seething rage filling up my chest cavity like pneumonia every time I listen to it. I believe they’re expecting a new album out in the first quarter of 2019, if not sooner, and I can't wait!

Chrome Ghost: The ultimate contrast of light and dark come to us from a relatively unknown band in Roseville, California. The secret sauce here involves incredible vocal harmonies pitted against massive, crunchy riffs, something that’s done very effectively in their recent EPs, ‘The Mirror’ (2018) and ‘Reflection Pool’ (2017). Now, they just need to take this show on the road so the world can get better acquainted with them.

Shallows by chrome ghost

Tell us about your personal music collection. Vinyl? CD? What's your prized possession?

People think I have a huge vinyl collection, but mine is quite modest, really. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have a bigger collection and show it off, but unfortunately, I haven’t a lot of money to put into it, really. My most prized records come from bands I’ve supported from their earliest stages, like Holy Grove, Menin, Soom, or Vokonis. CDs have come to dominate my collection, not so much by choice, but quite a few promos are sent to me that way. Mostly, I have a vast digital collection that takes up almost six terabytes of data. Since I’m doing a lot of podcasting, this allows me the easiest point of access to put together my mixes for The Doomed & Stoned Show.

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BelzebonG at Psycho Las Vegas (Film by Billy Goate)

What is it about this particular type of heavy music that makes it mean so much to you?

To me, doom metal and stoner rock has incredible staying power. It’s something I can listen to over and over again without growing weary of it. Add to that the fact bands in this genre take so much care in crafting their live sound and you can go to any doom-stoner show knowing you’re going to have an incredible time, perhaps even walk away with a better experience than the record gave you. I was constantly disappointed by the concert experiences I had while immersed in mainstream metal. It just never sounded as good as the records did. With doom-stoner music, my experience has largely been that a band's show can, and often does, transcend their studio recordings. It’s just the ethic of our scene; we're fanatical about sound.

With BelzebonG

What makes it all worthwhile for you?

That's a really good question. My philosophy is that as long as we’re all still having fun, it’s worth it to keep doing Doomed & Stoned. With that said, it can be very demanding and stressful, especially as we’re increasingly turned to by bands, labels, and PR firms to host track and album premieres. The gratification of a piece well done -- whether by me or by one of my team members -- is ultimately what keeps me going day-to-day. I find a lot of joy in developing talent and even helping writers and photographers hone their craft, gain greater name recognition, and develop the confidence to even branch out on their own as freelancers. Several have gotten gigs with larger outlets like Noisey due to their work here and that just blows my mind.

When Melissa first started, she wasn’t confident at all that she could do an interview. Next thing you know, she’s interviewing Wino, negotiating contracts with promoters, booking venues, and organizing a music festival with international acts. I’ve very proud of the team and everyone who has been a part of it, if only for a season. I'd add to that my relationships with growing record labels and ambitious promoters, who I've been able work with to get bands like Tombstones, BelzebonG, Spelljammer, Vokonis, Cardinals Folly over here to play for the first time in the United States.

With Disenchanter

How would your life be different if you weren't spreading the word about music?

I suppose I’d be spending more time playing the piano, something I’ve neglected more than I’d like to admit since starting Doomed & Stoned. There are some gnarly pieces by Beethoven, Liszt, Scriabin, Godowsky, and Prokofiev that I've half-chewed, just waiting for me pick them back up again. Either way, I don’t think I can stay passively involved in music. I have to be playing it or writing about it, preferably both.

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Usnea play 'Random Cosmic Violence' (Film by Billy Goate)

Ever been threatened by a band or a ravenous fan?

No, but I’ve been doggedly pursued on Facebook by overly enthusiastic bands trying to get me to review their albums. What they don’t realize is that I’ve got a very heavy editing backlog -- it takes at least 2 hours and more commonly 4, 6 or even 8 hours –- to prep a feature length piece for publication. To review a record, I need even more time to let it soak in. I have to find something in it that connects with me on an emotional or at least an intellectual level or I can’t write about it. Because of that, I don’t write very many reviews a years. Maybe a half-dozen traditional, track-by-track reviews, though I do try to write at least one short review a week on our Facebook page.

Part of the blessing and the curse of doing this as a hobby, as opposed to full-time, is I don’t have a lot of opportunity to hear gossip, get into interpersonal dramas, know who's not speaking to whom -- that kind of thing. With that said, I really wish I could spend more time responding to every message I receive and developing deeper level friendships. Perhaps in time I will. My work schedule is so packed right now that it’s very hard for me to tear away and just relax and get to know people. On the positive side, it does save me from a lot of inter-scene conflict and allows me to be more of a neutral party when issues arise between bands, venues, promoters, forums, or fans.

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Saint Vitus Live in Portland (Film by Billy Goate)

In the end, what would you like to have accomplished, or be remembered for?

I’m hoping we can be remembers for documenting this special era in heavy music history. I want to get better at showcasing the bands in their scenes and telling their stories, just like the writers and photographers of the Seattle grunge era were able to capture the imagination of the world with the Nirvana-Soundgarden-AIC-Pearl Jam vibe of that scene in the early-to-mid ‘90s -- what the 1996 documentary Hype! captured so well. I also hope I’ll be remembered for writing interesting, engaging, and relatable music reviews that aren’t pretentious crap. That’s still a work in progress!

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Bell Witch at Doomed & Stoned Fest (Film by Billy Goate)

Many people may not realize the hours you devote to what you do for little or no pay. Is there a day job? If so, how do you find the balance?

This is most certainly not a day job. I have a full time job that I work 40-50 hours a week and I do Doomed & Stoned in the evenings and weekends. Right now, I’m not doing very good with the balance, to be honest. I’m an unrepentant workaholic, if I’m being honest with myself. That said, every other weekend, my mind and body revolt and refuse to allow me to do anything except sleep or just lay around watching movies or doing normal things like, you know, mowing the lawn. If I could will it, I wouldn't sleep more than four hours a night, hit every show that comes to town, review every new release, put out a podcast every week, edit every article within a few days of it being submitted to me. In other words, I'd manage Doomed & Stoned as if it were a full-scale entertainment website. However, I have to remind myself that I started this to build community and to have fun, so it’s okay to operate on a different model.

Filming Elder at Dante's in Portland (Photo by Matt Amott)

What's next? Any new projects?

This year, we’re on a roll with our compilations, thanks to some wonderful organizers who are embedded in their local scenes and are good at rounding up tracks from all the participating bands. We’ve released Doomed & Stoned in Ireland, Doomed & Stoned in Philadelphia, and Doomed & Stoned in New Zealand, Doomed & Stoned in South Africa, Doomed & Stoned in Sweden, and we're coming up on Doomed & Stoned in Deutschland, and our fifth anniversary compilation, Doomed & Stoned in Portland III.

Other than that, we’re in the third year of our flagship festival, Doomed & Stoned Festival, which takes place on October 6th & 7th in Indianapolis. Over the summer, we’ve had two new festivals: Chicago Doomed & Stoned Festival and Ohio Doomed & Stoned Fest. We’ll likely be doing a festival in Portland later in the summer, too, perhaps doing an all-dayer in Eugene, too. These are very much passion projects and we're lucky to break even on them, but the joy of putting on a successful fest that brings together members of the community, that brings bands like Vokonis and Cardinals Folly to the United States for the first time, is totally worth it. This is history in the making. More than that, it's vital therapy for our people -- refueling our storehouses with the power of the Riff!

Finally, other than the music, what's your other burning passion?

I have cats that I love to death. I’m a fanatical collector of B-movies, from the ‘60s and ‘70s especially –- the more awful the movie is, production wise, the more I delight in it. Probably that has a lot to do with growing up on Mystery Science Theater 3000. When B-movies and cats collide with music, I’m in a very happy place (see the band Gurt!). Also an avid fan of vintage comic books -- many of the narratives of the pre-code 1950s comic books were taking chances that rival many of the shocking storylines of Marvel and DC today. Surprisingly, one of the themes that I see recurring between titles is DOOM! It's a delight every time I discover one of these stories. Art, film, and music have a very important, symbiotic relationship and I find it tremendously gratifying to play historian and trace the threads of the past into the present and watch how they continue to evolve into the future.

I've also got a gang of cats that keep me in line and like to be very involved with the production of Doomed & Stoned, so much so that I've had to make cat beds in front of my monitor and in the drawer of one of my desks for a pair of twins I adopted from the pound some years back. They absolutely are enthralled with that desk of mind, whether I'm editing an article or interviewing someone for a show! Best of all, they love them some doom. They sleep soundly every time I've got the likes of Sea Bastard or Serpentine Path rumbling my speakers. Wouldn't trade 'em for all the vinyl in the world.

Meet The Team

North America

Billy Goate (Editor in Chief -- Oregon), Melissa Marie (Executive Editor -- Indiana), Frank Heredia (California), Elizabeth Gore (California), Stephanie V. Cantu (Texas), Chris Schanz (Washington), Papa Paul (Pennsylvania), Zachary Painter (Texas), Alex Watt (Oregon), Alyssa Herrman (Oregon), Hugo Guzman (California), Lara Noel (Chicago), Suzi Uzi (Chicago), Jamie Yeats (Montana), Stephanie Savenkoff (Oregon), Corey Lewis (Oregon), Colton Dollar (California), Adam Mundwarf (Oregon), Dan Simone (Ohio), Shawn Gibson (North Carolina), Tom Hanno (New York), Eric The Red (Oregon), Justin Cory (Oregon), Jamie LaRose (Florida).

International

Roman Tamayo (Mexico), Sally Townsend (Australia), Calvin Lampert (Switzerland), Mari Knox (Italy), Svempa Alveving (Sweden), Juan Antonio (Spain), Angelique Le Marchand (UK), Jacob Mazlum (UK), Mel Lie (Germany), Silvi Pearl (Austria), Simon Howard (Australia), Matthew Donk (UK), Willem Verhappen (Netherlands).

Doomed & Stoned would also like to thank contributions from Ben Edwards, Brian Schmidt, Bucky Brown, Cherry Darling, Chris Latta, Curtis Parker, David Glass, David Knottnerus, Doomstress Alexis, Doug McHardlane, Drew Smith, Eleanna Safarika, Gonzalo Brunelli, Gustav Zombetero, Hannah Rachel Lowe, Jake Wallace, Joey Demartini, Johnny Hubbard, Jules Maher, Leanne Ridgeway, Marcel van der Haar, Mathew Jacques, Mona Miluski, Patrick Alex Thorfinn, Paul Bracamonte, Randy Beach, Sabine Stangenberg, Sandra Mez Russotto, Sandy Wright, Sarah Eriksson, Sean Schock, Stef Dimou, Steph LeSaux, Steve Howe, Thäedra Clare, Wendy Yashira, Ygor Silva, and so many others who have supported us directly or indirectly.

Mona Miluski from High Fighter sporting our basic black

Show your Doomed & Stoned pride! Get a t-shirt or sticker and become a patron of The Doomed & Stoned Show. You can also check out and share our free scene-by-scene compilation series. Donations help us to fund cool projects, such as new t-shirt designs, patches, etc. and helps with the much needed funds for web-hosting, data storage, and lots more besides. Most of all, we value your regular readership. Thanks so much for being a member of the Doomed & Stoned family!

#Doomed & Stoned #Doomed & Stoned Festival #Purple Hill Witch #Chrome Ghost #White Wail #Reptile Master #Yob #Disenchanter #Holy Grove #Witch Mountain #Saint Vitus #Bell Witch #BelzebonG #Doom #Metal #Doom Metal #Stoner Rock

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