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#spilled mind
iambrillyant · 13 hours ago
“when you measure your growth by your own growth and no one else’s, you allow your flowers to bloom at their own pace and open space to attract the peace that comes with being unbothered with what doesn’t concern you.”
— iambrillyant
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antisocietalbanality · 2 months ago
Dreams change
It was the month of May,
the hellish 31 days of 2019 I thought were going to be my last of liberation and life. 
I stared at the ceiling and the transition of the color of the sky while lying in my abuser’s bed. 
I couldn’t sleep, 
I wanted to be ready. 
And all I remember thinking, 
was that I get another chance. 
A chance of love. 
And the amusing part about it was before him- I never wanted love. I wanted to reside in life alone in the world.
With family and friends. 
No partner by my side. 
and I laid in that bed with tears stinging my cheeks-
“If you’re out there,
and if you’re listening, 
I just want you to know that I’m coming.”
It’s the month of July,
the month residing in 2021.
A voice pipes up after leaving the farmers market,
“I should’ve bought you flowers,” he said. 
I laugh, “you got me blueberries and pastries.”
And he gave me warmth, 
And remembers the almond butter treats I like,
hugs me tight when the gray cloud visits me,
calls me beautiful every. single. day,
and searches the web for tips of temporary relief for when migraines make me cry. 
He has bought me beautiful flowers-
don’t get me wrong. 
But he shows me love in all the ways I was never shown. 
//nmd//07-30-2021// “He is my flower.”
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librapastels · 8 months ago
Don’t tell me that it was nothing. Dont tell me that it was impossible. Don't tell me it was all a fictitious fever dream. Don't tell me that you weren't in love with me.” “Don’t you dare tell me that the things that we’ve shared between eachother in the dark while the world was sleeping, was a facade.” “Dont murmur that what you felt for me was merely a placeholder for you to get over the previous one who broke your heart. The same heart that you stitched together with glue and paper mache while i carefully outlined the edges of it and made sure it was etched in lace and wound back whole.” “Dont tell me you felt nothing, because i did.” “Even if you never did, i did. And it hit me hard, down my spine and up into my throat. Feeling you break away from me feels similar to a slice of my jugular veins and all that pours out of me was you.” “Don’t tell me that what i- no, what we possessed was a lie. Because it felt so real to me.” “So real, in fact, that i’d rather succumb to a dream than face this blackened reality.”
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kartaanonima · a month ago
“I don’t know why, but I do not feel like I’m like you, or anyone else. I feel like I’m the only one who feels the things I feel, or thinks the way I think. I’m worried that I’m taking everything too seriously, or not seriously enough. Sometimes I want you to see me, and sometimes I want to disappear.”
Every words you cannot say by Iain Thomas
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coqueliccot · 5 months ago
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I was robbed of things I took as mine too many times..
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hxpelesslx · 10 months ago
why does it feel like I’m losing everything around me
my friends and family
I’m losing my patience, my motivation
my joy, my hope and my happiness
my goals, my dreams and reality
I’m losing everything that is important to me
I’m losing my love, my faith and my mind
I’m losing my will to live, to breathe, to move
I’m losing my will to try, and try and try
I’m losing things I never thought I could lose
I’m losing sight of what’s wrong and right
I’m losing my identity and I’m losing myself
lately it feels like I’ve just been losing and losing and losing and finding myself stuck in one place
and then I remembered that I also have lost my will to fight
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visd3stele · 2 months ago
there's too much unsaid in me/ it crawls with spider legs on plastic threads/ up and down, down and back up. I want to puke words out! To scream in songs I cannot carry, bleed in paintings on the Gallery's walls/ I breath ink and sniff old pages because words dye on the edges of my mind
But I will not keep smiling!
Because that'd be failure/ and failure I cannot fanthom. Because I can feel the well of depthless webs, deep waters of sentient sensitivity/ how it bounce at me at night/ shoving nudges in my sides that I wake ul bruised and sore with too much. Too much, but not time. Not resourses. Not courrage enough.
I want to
I want to
(I) do
But and that is all.
But how will the world drag me down when I'm finally piecing myself? How will they erase me when I just begun to see myself?
(No, I do not need help. I'm fine. It's just my sick mind.)
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We remould ourselves to fit back into our family homes. Under an old roof and what feels like an old sky, the years fall off us. You fight your sister over the first turn in the shower, play each other your playlists until you’re both sick of different sounds. You throw your mum your coldest shoulder before you realise it’s just over-caring and I smirk across miles and say mate, mine has also gone insane. We refit ourselves into roles long lost in which she cooks us all dinner and we take it in turns to wash up. You avoid the news, edge out of rooms it plays in, brain blank as if you can skip past it in any conversation. See we’re still young and we’re terrified of missing out on life, of missing out on the time that ticks itself away upon the walls of our childhoods. We miss rooms we felt tall in and crowds that kept us upright. We miss hands meant for holding and eyes meant for the same thing. I tell you, the thought of months of being alone is worse than witnessing any war. Your snapchat is your cat and he can smell your anxiety. It says, how are we ever gonna make the lost hours up? See if we’d have known we’d have hugged goodbye a little tighter, sung a little louder, danced a little freer. We wait in separate spaces, together as a held breath hoping that when the sun comes back out at its highest we get to breathe out and are close enough to feel eachother’s exhales.
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whatsmynameplease · 10 months ago
They all leave by the end of the day.
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iambrillyant · 13 days ago
“treating me well, but treating strangers badly, is always a red flag to me. if your kindness is only reserved for me, it means that your intentions come with conditions, and if your intentions come with conditions, that means they are rooted in some form of manipulative energy.”
— iambrillyant
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antisocietalbanality · a year ago
Not so open-open person
I was watching a cheesy romance movie tonight,
okay more like this morning, 
and though I should head to bed (I promise I will soon,)
I sit here-
needing to write about you-
because damn,
I remember watching cheesy romance movies while with the others-
just fanaticizing the day I would have someone I laugh with,
as much as the main characters laugh together,
as they clumsily get to know each other,
and fall for one another-
and...maybe I should’ve known then that they didn’t offer me that bliss. 
I watched the movie tonight feeling
I notice everything. 
I’m an artist, 
a poet in my free time-
you should know that I capture and observe so much-
I never disregard the positivity and put it aside,
I keep it safe in my mind, 
I treat it like a treasured, delicate, beautiful vase-
careful to take it out in particular moments,
careful to make sure it’s safe,
careful to make sure nothing could harm or taint it. 
I never disregard it though. 
You asked me about that,
the evening we lied in bed and I shed a few tears,
I’m even shedding a few tears now-
except, they’re out of happiness. 
Some of my precious moments have been 
about you grabbing my hand to gently kiss it,
it gives me warmth and butterflies at the same time. 
You cracking jokes to ease me into being comfortable 
have been so incredibly appreciated. 
Because it reminds me that I haven’t and don’t even feel the twinge to put up
a ‘perfect’ façade around you. 
You called me beautiful during my emotional meltdowns 
when my mind overanalyzed-
the overanalyzing,
and the talks,
I can be myself, 
and share my thoughts,
and though I am learning 
and trying not to suppress some things-
I can tell you about the intrusive thoughts,
and know that you would never ever threaten me for having them. 
sometimes I cuddle next to you,
during the night for warmth-
but mostly to be close to you,
something I never thought I would ever do. 
I was the type to stop breathing when someone wrapped their arms around me to cuddle-
I always felt trapped,
or the elephant that would sit between me and someone else-
touch and affection was foreign and abused.
I fantasized about maybe-
experiencing the warmth that I read about in love poems,
and novels
in sonnets
in songs,
and whenever I get to hold you in my arms,
and run my fingers gently up and down your back
before we go into slumber-
it feels natural,
When you tell me that you saw I worked hard that day,
or that you’re proud of me,
it feels unreal,
I feel cherished. 
I am cherished. 
and maybe that’s why I can’t stop crying at 5 in the morning. 
I feel like someone wants to keep me around-
genuinely laughs at my horrible humor and jokes-
but it brings me happiness to hear that laugh,
and to see that smile when we both look at each other at the same time out of no where,
I love the kisses I get during breaks,
I love how I can walk over and sit on your lap and forget about my stress for a moment-
because you help remind me to live in the present.
I will take the roasting for me not doing any cooking,
it makes me feel like someone doesn’t mind taking care of me,
and I will embarrassingly trip in front of you-
if it means it shows how much I fell for you. 
and the way you brush my hair back while talking softly over me 
in the dark
when I have a migraine-
I feel loved. 
and maybe I’m sobbing my eyes out because I think most of my mind is done fighting the good in this-
in us and what we have,
how we’ve grown-
being apart, and being together. 
There’s many more things I see,
and hear,
and experience-
that shows how you feel about me. 
Sometimes it takes a while for me to process happiness. 
And though my eyes are now puffy,
and nose is stuffy,
the crying has subsided. 
and I wanted to end this with saying
I love you,
and all that you do. “
n.m.d// 10:5:2020″
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laughmypainaway · a year ago
I will leave you before you do.
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theessenceofawriter · a year ago
“Those who find happiness in sharing it with others are the most precious, most irreplaceable...”
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gabeesphere · a year ago
Why do I always feel the need to fix people as broken as me or worse?
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