It was the month of May,
the hellish 31 days of 2019 I thought were going to be my last of liberation and life.
I stared at the ceiling and the transition of the color of the sky while lying in my abuser’s bed.
I couldn’t sleep,
I wanted to be ready.
And all I remember thinking,
was that I get another chance.
A chance of love.
And the amusing part about it was before him- I never wanted love. I wanted to reside in life alone in the world.
With family and friends.
No partner by my side.
and I laid in that bed with tears stinging my cheeks-
“If you’re out there,
and if you’re listening,
I just want you to know that I’m coming.”
It’s the month of July,
the month residing in 2021.
A voice pipes up after leaving the farmers market,
“I should’ve bought you flowers,” he said.
I laugh, “you got me blueberries and pastries.”
And he gave me warmth,
And remembers the almond butter treats I like,
hugs me tight when the gray cloud visits me,
calls me beautiful every. single. day,
and searches the web for tips of temporary relief for when migraines make me cry.
He has bought me beautiful flowers-
don’t get me wrong.
But he shows me love in all the ways I was never shown.
“He is my flower.”
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Not so open-open person
I was watching a cheesy romance movie tonight,
okay more like this morning,
and though I should head to bed (I promise I will soon,)
I sit here-
needing to write about you-
I remember watching cheesy romance movies while with the others-
just fanaticizing the day I would have someone I laugh with,
as much as the main characters laugh together,
as they clumsily get to know each other,
and fall for one another-
and...maybe I should’ve known then that they didn’t offer me that bliss.
I watched the movie tonight feeling
I notice everything.
I’m an artist,
a poet in my free time-
you should know that I capture and observe so much-
I never disregard the positivity and put it aside,
I keep it safe in my mind,
I treat it like a treasured, delicate, beautiful vase-
careful to take it out in particular moments,
careful to make sure it’s safe,
careful to make sure nothing could harm or taint it.
I never disregard it though.
You asked me about that,
the evening we lied in bed and I shed a few tears,
I’m even shedding a few tears now-
except, they’re out of happiness.
Some of my precious moments have been
about you grabbing my hand to gently kiss it,
it gives me warmth and butterflies at the same time.
You cracking jokes to ease me into being comfortable
have been so incredibly appreciated.
Because it reminds me that I haven’t and don’t even feel the twinge to put up
a ‘perfect’ façade around you.
You called me beautiful during my emotional meltdowns
when my mind overanalyzed-
and the talks,
I can be myself,
and share my thoughts,
and though I am learning
and trying not to suppress some things-
I can tell you about the intrusive thoughts,
and know that you would never ever threaten me for having them.
sometimes I cuddle next to you,
during the night for warmth-
but mostly to be close to you,
something I never thought I would ever do.
I was the type to stop breathing when someone wrapped their arms around me to cuddle-
I always felt trapped,
or the elephant that would sit between me and someone else-
touch and affection was foreign and abused.
I fantasized about maybe-
experiencing the warmth that I read about in love poems,
and whenever I get to hold you in my arms,
and run my fingers gently up and down your back
before we go into slumber-
it feels natural,
When you tell me that you saw I worked hard that day,
or that you’re proud of me,
it feels unreal,
I feel cherished.
I am cherished.
and maybe that’s why I can’t stop crying at 5 in the morning.
I feel like someone wants to keep me around-
genuinely laughs at my horrible humor and jokes-
but it brings me happiness to hear that laugh,
and to see that smile when we both look at each other at the same time out of no where,
I love the kisses I get during breaks,
I love how I can walk over and sit on your lap and forget about my stress for a moment-
because you help remind me to live in the present.
I will take the roasting for me not doing any cooking,
it makes me feel like someone doesn’t mind taking care of me,
and I will embarrassingly trip in front of you-
if it means it shows how much I fell for you.
and the way you brush my hair back while talking softly over me
in the dark
when I have a migraine-
I feel loved.
and maybe I’m sobbing my eyes out because I think most of my mind is done fighting the good in this-
in us and what we have,
how we’ve grown-
being apart, and being together.
There’s many more things I see,
that shows how you feel about me.
Sometimes it takes a while for me to process happiness.
And though my eyes are now puffy,
and nose is stuffy,
the crying has subsided.
and I wanted to end this with saying
I love you,
and all that you do. “
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