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lo1k-diamonds · 2 months

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How to Choose a Valentine 💜

PAIRING: idol!Jungkook x You (You can also read it on AO3)

SUMMARY: Who knew the best company for Valentine's Day would be a lovely Doberman? And who knew he'd get you a Valentine? Well, sort of.

WORD COUNT: 4.3k

GENRE: fluff and light angst

RATING: Teen (for cussing and drinking)

WARNINGS: drinking, kissing and making out while drunk (consensual), hangover, lapses of memory, misunderstandings, JK handles everything well, Bam is the center of this story, the cutest baby, and maybe a cupid, should fill your 💜 with fluff but wdik

A.N. I wasn't even supposed to write this. This is what happens when I wake up at 4 AM and can't sleep. Then I think, Hmm, I read lots of lovely fics yesterday about Valentine's Day. What would I do if I wrote one? X hours later, here we are. I just roll with it at this point, it's almost a way to deal with writer's block 😅 Enjoy 💜

You snorted at the reel playing on your phone while your hand petted gently between the black Doberman’s ears. One girl smashed the phone camera while repeating ‘Girls don’t want flowers for Valentine’s Day’, while another immediately shyly said that yes, she’d like flowers. You scrolled; another of a guy guiding his significant other over a trail of petals; you scrolled, another of a guy explaining how he asked a girl to become his Valentine. Another, with the type of girls on Valentine’s Day and you smirked. Which one were you? Definitely not the spoiled girlfriend, you were single. Not heartbroken, you hadn’t dated for a while, or a heartbreaker. You chuckled; the only guy in your life at the moment was that sweet Doberman sleeping on your lap and you weren’t about to break his darling heart.

The next options were single and fine with it, anti-Valentine’s Day, and Galentine’s Girl. You supposed you were fine with it but had hoped not to spend it alone, hence why you were at your best friend’s apartment. What you thought could be a day of eating and having fun together turned into dog-sitting because she needed that favor. Something along the lines of the usual sitter being ill and her needing to find someone to do it, and you were available.

You could think of more depressing ways of spending your day. You put your phone down and petted the short fur between the dog’s closed eyes, knowing he was utterly relaxed under your touch. He was the cutest thing and you had a blast walking and playing with him all day. You checked his training and he was responsive, though testy of the limits, and you made sure he understood that he had to listen to you. During your second walk, he behaved so well and was rewarded so much that you thought he wouldn’t have an appetite for dinner, but he surprised you. And now he was sleeping soundly and you didn’t want to get up, but it was time for your own dinner. Maybe you could cook something up for you and—

Your phone buzzed and you checked it; speaking of the devil.

[It’s taking longer than expected so I’ll eat here. Treat yourself sorry see you soon! 💜]

You sighed. In the end, you were going to spend it with that cutie as your Valentine. You stretched your arms and shoulders, pressing your fingers to your neck before gaining the courage to slide under the Doberman. He wasn’t pleased and adjusted his head to get back on your thigh.

“No, Bamie. I gotta eat something, come on.”

You slid again and turned on the TV as background noise before getting to the kitchen and checking your best friend’s fridge. You decided to eat a bit of everything that you could find and got set to eat on the sofa in front of the TV. Not even five minutes in, you became sort of annoyed — stupid Valentine’s Day ads. You told Bam firmly not to even think about snatching your food before you focused on streaming something instead. A corny and sweet romcom should be fun.

And you had dinner as you laughed and cried with it until a scene came up where the main character cried her sorrows over a bottle of soju and you thought, Why not? You had nothing planned the next day, at least you could have a drink.

You started with a single soju bottle, but as the episodes played and the night passed, you didn’t stop. Eventually, there were empty bottles of beer and soju and you were feeling dizzy, despite being sat down on the couch. Your last reasonable thought was to turn off the TV, the only source of light in the room, before holding on to Bam as if he were a pillow and falling asleep.

It was the sound of bottles clicking that disturbed your sleep, and your instinct was to wrap your arms closer around the fluffy dog, “Bam.”

He was wiggling his tail like crazy, and in your haze, you connected that to the bottles falling over. Not to the extra dip on the other side of the chaise longue.

Perhaps it was the fact that you heard your best friend’s voice in the distance that relaxed you, not quite registering that it disappeared after the front door closed. It was only when a different scent hit your nose that you started connecting the pieces: Bam was squeezed between you and someone else, their hand touched your arm ever so slightly while they petted him, and that musky scent was from a man.

You opened your eyes, confused by your conclusions, but not at the top of your game — a quick nap was not enough to make you sober.

“Who are you?”

Bam’s tail kept wiggling as he seemed busy facing opposite from you, looking at the person who answered you, “Who are you?”

He sounded sleepy and you couldn’t see him properly. The city lights from the window were enough but you were still too hazy.

“I asked first,” you voiced, rubbing your eyes. He didn’t seem willing to respond quickly enough, but you could feel him still petting Bam, so you sulked. You wrapped your arms around the pet harder, “Bamie is mine!”

Instantly, a new set of arms did the same and tried to steal him away, “No, he’s not! I’m his dad!”

“And I’m his mom!” The man scoffed and you raised your chin proudly. “Don’t believe me? Look.”

You let go of Bam and scanned around, seeing where you could put your feet safely in between the bottles. Then you got up and walked a bit unsteadily across the living room, standing next to the window. You could see the shape of the man all in black, including his hair, looking at you from his comfortable position with the sweet Bam happily smelling around.

He could see your expression, your baggy tee shirt falling over you and covered with cartoons, but he only cared about Bam staying in his arms. Because of course, he would.

“Bam!”

He gasped when Bam jumped from his embrace to get to you, frantically wiggling his whole body before lying on his back over your feet. He gaped as his Doberman showed his belly, happily licking your face and squirming under your belly rubs.

“Such a good boy,” you cooed, grinning from ear to ear.

Then you straightened up and snapped your fingers and Bam got up too, easily following you back on the couch and splaying himself belly up in between you and the man.

“There you go,” you murmured, scratching his belly and up his chest much to Bam’s delight.

It was when Bam squirmed that his snout ended up under the man’s chin and you saw him clearly for the first time. Then he spoke and you smiled.

You woke up with a groan, drool all over the pillow, and a headache to make you want to run for the hills. But then you sat up, confusion still scrambling your brain as you eyed the bedroom.

“Bam?”

You waited but the sound of paws scratching the floor didn't grace your ears, so you got up from bed and searched for him. You looked everywhere, calling for him every few seconds, but he didn’t come out and you couldn’t seem to find him. In fact, there was no one else at home but you, which made you befuddled — where was your best friend?

Your hangover was deadly, it was trying to pull you down with a headache the size of the world. And so you beelined to the bathroom and stripped hastily to get your head under the water and try to wake up gently.

But there was no gentleness to be found when suddenly you remember something — there was a man. Yes, but— You— kissed?

Suddenly, you were flooded with the memories of you kissing, his gentle hand cupping your jaw, your trembling breath when your tongues touched. The foreign thing that ended up being a lip ring that you felt with your tongue. The way the kiss deepened, and your legs got tangled even beyond sweet Bam lying in between you.

You were hyperventilating, “What?!”

You did what?!

Did you kiss a random man? On your best friend’s couch in the middle of the night? Or did you hallucinate him because of the alcohol?

Suddenly, it came to you — he tasted of beer, and you told him as much.

You felt him smile against your lips, “And you taste of strawberry soju.”

You remembered chuckling before kissing him again, burying your fingers into slightly overgrown strands of hair that curled around your hand.

You rubbed your face under the water; you kissed him. You were both drunk, and you couldn’t remember everything, but you pressed your lips to—

You stopped breathing.

You were feeling his shoulders and pulling him close when Bam started licking both your faces, which made you both break away and laugh.

“I have to pee,” you had said, getting up.

Before you could be mortified about having said that to a random guy, you recognized that after you went to the bathroom, you forgot about getting back to the couch. Instead, you went to bed on autopilot and fell asleep. Because you were that drunk.

Well, thankfully. Otherwise, what could have ended up happening? You were not in your right mind, you could barely remember his face aside from his eyes and lip ring. You were crazy, nuts, and shouldn’t drink that much again.

You got out of the shower and got dressed quickly with more lenient thoughts. Since only kissing happened, it was okay. No harm no foul.

Your stomach was adding to the problem, but you still decided to take headache medicine before your phone buzzed and you grabbed it.

[Meet me at work and have breakfast with me?]

You agreed and got your stuff to go to her. The subway trip was twenty minutes but it was alright at that hour. The HYBE building was in a very busy area, so to already have a direct line there was a blessing.

You gave your name at the reception to get a visitor pass and went to the floor she indicated, smiling when you saw it was a cafeteria with breakfast all around.

She met you at the door and walked you through it before sitting down and watching you eat your broth carefully.

“Lots of people need caring for this morning. Funny what Valentine’s Day does to some people,” she was amused, though her expression screamed exhaustion. “If they’re in couple they drink together, if they’re single they drink alone. There’s no escape, is there?”

You were looking down apologetically until you could talk, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. I… raided your fridge.”

She sighed, “I know, I saw the bottles on the floor. Hence why you’re here, to have a power breakfast.”

“What happened yesterday? Why didn’t you come home?”

Your best friend heaved a deep breath, her spirit hanging on by a thread, “My artist went to a friend's dinner last night and got drunk. I got his driver to get him home but they had an accident,” she sighed. Your eyes widened in alarm, but she raised her hand swiftly, “They’re both alright. This all to say that after my meeting got lost into late hours, instead of going home, I had to go and manage that situation.”

“That sucks…” You thought back to the previous night, unsure of how to introduce the topic.

“By the way, thank you for taking care of Bam. My artist and I really appreciated it—”

She was interrupted when a spot of black dashed for you, barking the instant you took a second to acknowledge his presence. You instantly smiled despite the horrid headache the noise was making and reached to pet him.

“No, Bam! No eating!”

“It’s not the food,” your best friend pointed out jokingly, dismissing the manager nearby who tried to admonish the pet.

You were happy to give him all the cuddles that were making him go crazy and whiny; you were happy to see him again too. It instantly pulled memories from the previous night into your mind and you wondered again how to bring it up with your best friend when a voice interrupted your thoughts.

“Bam.”

Bam was licking your hand happily, yet instantly darted away at the call, and you knew before you looked up. It was him. You recognized the longer hair you had gripped, the lip ring, and the eyes. The sweet yet searing eyes.

He got near your table and bowed to you both before starting a light talk with your best friend about the schedule for the day.

And you blinked, wondering why his eyes set on your best friend’s face, or rather why the whole situation felt like a gut punch. He must have been the artist your best friend was referring to, the one she managed. You wouldn’t know, she was secretive about who it was. But the way he was ignoring you couldn’t be mistaken. He didn’t acknowledge you more than that bow, but why would he? You knew who he was.

The moment your lips grazed in a slow kiss while his hand gently supported your jaw came to mind and you blinked in astonishment. You couldn't believe it happened. Even as you remembered opening your eyes the moment he pulled away a few inches to breathe and looked straight into your eyes. It was impossible. Even if you were both drunk, how—

“Excuse me.” The three of you turned to the lady in uniform. “No pets are allowed in the cafeteria,” she bowed respectfully.

It was easy for you to get up, “I’ll take Bam to the rooftop garden.”

You grabbed his leash from the man’s hand without touching him and he let it go, a bit startled. Not that you noticed; you stepped away and called for Bam, who followed you swiftly.

Jungkook stayed behind, eyes still on you leaving with his dog until you were out of sight.

“She’ll take good care of him.”

He turned back to his manager and nodded, “I know.”

His manager was ready to use every argument she had to convince him, so she chuckled, “Funny how yesterday you were borderline going nuts over a stranger taking care of him and now you’re so relaxed.”

He nodded and looked back at where you disappeared with his Bam. You were not a stranger.

“What’s that look?” She asked, eyebrows furrowing ever so lightly.

He pressed his lips and nibbled a bit on his lip ring, but then looked back at her, “When you left me at your place… something happened.”

A mix of fear and ‘oh no’ crossed his manager's face and he sat across from her where you had sat before, ignoring your tray and half-eaten food.

“We were both drunk,” he started, expecting her not to believe him, but she just nodded. “And Bam loves her. We just—” He filled his lungs with air, pushing it back out anxiously as his tattooed hand ran across his hair, “We joked around that I was Bam’s dad and she was his mom. Then, that we were both alone, nowhere close to having a Valentine, and that maybe Bam was our cupid. Instead of meeting and making a baby, the baby— made us—” He became crimson and hid his eyes for a second, then he faced her again, “We were drunk!”

“You said that,” she deadpanned firmly. She was his manager, she needed to know things in black and white. He knew that.

“So we joked. Maybe we should get together, and we kissed.”

Her eyes doubled in size, “Oh no, you didn’t!”

“We just kissed!”

Her features hardened, “Tell me right now. Tell me the truth.”

“It’s the truth! I swear, we kissed— for a while—” His ears were becoming red, “And then she went to the bathroom and I fell asleep.” His manager’s expression had not changed a millimeter, and his eyes became pleading. “You have to believe me. You woke me up and I was alone with Bam.”

“That’s true,” she acknowledged, finally heaving a breath. “Shit, this is my fault. Leave two drunk people alone, and see what happens.”

He frowned, “I don’t just go around kissing people, even when I’m drunk.”

She faced him, “That is also true.” It seemed clear to her, so he relaxed. “So what happened? Why did you kiss her?”

He blinked with wide eyes, startled by the question. “I… I don’t know.”

He looked down, containing the urge to look back at where you had left with his pet. He didn’t even know your name, he knew nothing except that Bam loved you and you tasted sweet.

His manager waited for a proper response, for any additional information. But when none came, she knew what she had to do. She sighed, “Well. I’ll have to contact our lawyers and draft an NDA. She’s my best friend”, she confessed, rubbing her eyes for a second. “Shit,” was all she expressed before getting up and rushing out.

Jungkook pressed his lips and let her leave. He was confused about the situation, about his actions. He knew so little… Why did he think it was enough?

He put away the trays you and his manager had used while he pondered this. In a way, Bam’s heart meant everything to him. The way Jungkook loved him was unexplainable, he was the only soul in the world he could ever love in such a way. His innocence and instinct were enough, and he listened to you like he only ever listened to Jungkook himself. That shouldn’t have been enough, but it was.

And he was drunk, he sighed, leaving the room. It was his fault, he knew that. He shouldn’t kiss people irresponsibly like that, and now his manager was in a tough spot.

He decided to head for the rooftop and sort this out with you. He didn’t know what to say, but he thought maybe it didn’t have to be a big deal. You two just did it and it was… freeing. There were no inhibitions or second thoughts. It was playful and innocent, and then your lips touched. He didn’t know it would feel like that, he hadn’t thought it through. But it felt so good. It created shivers, made him hot, curious, awake, alive. He had no questions, no doubts, it was like jumping out of an airplane and freefalling. It was like the wind was guiding him to fit together with you, there was nothing in him telling him to fight it.

He got to the rooftop and immediately saw you across the garden sitting on a bench with his manager, and your best friend, next to you. Bam saw him too and raised his head and ears, but he was busy grabbing a stick that had just fallen on the floor and bringing it back to you. Jungkook could have expected him to drop everything to greet him, but Bam didn’t.

His manager was explaining something to you and your eyes were glued to the floor, expression closed except for the line between your eyebrows. Only when Bam brought you back the stick and you threw it again, did you look up. Jungkook was walking closer yet slowly, not meaning to intrude, and you had thrown the stick almost right into his path. That was why Bam happily gave it to him instead, and he crouched to pet his baby while his eyes stayed on you.

Your eyes turned away when you said something. He couldn’t hear it from there, but he knew the words out of your mouth were cold. He recognized his manager trying to have you reconsider or change your mind, but your eyebrows drew closer as you bit something back and just got up and away.

You didn’t look at him as you walked in his direction towards the exit. You planned to pass by him without a word, a mix of emotions inside you that you preferred not to address. And yet Bam was what forced you to change your mind when he lit up at your presence. He looked for a pet from your hand and you immediately halted, unable to punish that sweet pup because of his dad.

Still, the words slipped the seam of your lips somewhat bitterly, “Are you a baby?”

“What?” He blinked, eyes wide as he straightened up.

“You kiss someone and your first instinct is to threaten them with NDAs?” You were frowning with a hint of contempt, but your eyes were glistening. You continued before he could say anything, “I won’t sign it. I don’t care what any of you think, this isn’t normal. You regret it? Fine, but then act like a fucking adult.”

He was at a loss for words and movement behind you had him glancing, and so you turned. Your best friend had a serious expression on her, something you imagined was her work persona. Well, too bad you had no sympathy for it.

“No,” you raised a hand before she could say something. “You’re doing your job, and I’m standing up for my principles. I’ll go to your place and get my stuff.”

You passed by him at a hastened pace and the second he turned to say, “Wait!”, the heavy glass door was already closing behind you, muffling every trace of a sound.

He turned to his manager then, seeing the tiredness, sadness, and frustration all over her face as she heaved a deep sigh and hid the tears in her eyes.

His lips twitched with a question, but she spoke instead, “She thinks I’m choosing my job over her.”

“But you’re not,” he instantly said, confused. “This isn’t necessary.”

She sighed, “I’ll deal with this, ok? Get to your shoot.”

She also passed by him quickly inside and Jungkook looked at Bam, who was lying on the floor chewing on the stick with a hard focus. Why were they so eager to get anything done without a proper conversation?

He took Bam with him across HYBE and got inside the car with other managers and assistants. They were waiting for him to continue his schedule, chatting about Bam. It would be difficult to have him on the set, but they’d contact a sitter on the way—

“Take me to Manager Kim’s place.”

“What?” His manager frowned, “Now?”

“Yes, now. To drop off Bam,” he offered, though he knew it was a lie. His manager agreed though because he knew Bam had stayed there the previous day, and being late to the shoot was fixed with a simple call giving them a warning and an apology.

Jungkook left the car first, saying that he’d go and come back quickly, and the team agreed, to his relief. He was upstairs in a beat in front of the right door, yet before he could ring the doorbell, the door opened in front of him and something crashed into his chest. His heart jumped and his hands darted to support your arms as you recoiled back, and then you looked up at him. Such beautiful big and expressive eyes, and he knew then he would have wanted to kiss you anyway.

You broke away from his arms and moved to go around him. He didn’t miss your frown, but he didn’t hesitate, “Can we talk?”

“I’m not going to sign it,” you insisted as you turned to him, adjusting your backpack over your shoulder. “But you don’t need to worry, that doesn’t mean I’ll talk about it. I’m not like that.”

He nodded once, “Okay. But that’s not what I want to talk about.”

You paused, “Oh.”

Your features smoothed in confusion and he was happy he caught your attention, “Can we go inside?”

You shrugged but walked back inside. You petted Bam gently between his ears then put your backpack down on the floor. By then, Jungkook had released Bam’s leash and closed the door. The sweet baby darted to the water bowl and your lips curved before his dad drew your attention away.

“I don’t regret it,” he said, and your eyebrows jumped. “You keep saying that, but I don’t. And I didn’t ask Manager Kim to do this either, I suppose it’s standard procedure or something. I wouldn’t know. But she’s just doing her best because she feels responsible.”

You were skeptical, “You wouldn’t know?”

“No.”

You found that hard to believe, but you didn’t insist. It had nothing to do with you. “Why would she feel responsible?”

“Because she’s in charge of me, I guess. Managers tend to feel like that even when we are, in fact, not babies.”

Your lips twitched at his choice of words.

“So don’t get mad at her. After this, I’m going to tell her to stop it. I don’t want this NDA thing, and neither do you. It’s not necessary,” he sighed. He had told his manager that before, but maybe if he insisted, she’d get it.

You nodded.

“And thank you for looking after Bam,” he finished with a smile. The Doberman had jumped on the couch a bit carelessly, but he was calm. “He’s usually nervous around strangers, but he loves you. You might really be his Mom for all he cares,” he smirked, watching as you stepped to the side to pet Bam. “And I wouldn’t… separate him from a person he loves. If you’d like to see him again.”

Your cheeks instantly caught fire as you looked at him. He held your gaze calmly, the only hint of nervousness in his fingers fidgeting. You didn’t think you were misunderstanding him, then.

“I can make time.”

He smiled, “Good.”

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clean-bands-dirty-stories · 8 months

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Babbling ~ P.P.

A/n: Sorry for missing Monday, but here’s this <3 Another request done :)

Request: “Tasm!Peter x male reader where reader gets invited to a party and brings Peter as his plus one or whatever and Peter getting drunk and touchy and confesses and saying how he wants to be with him and spend the rest of his life with him...” by anon

Word count: 2700+

MASTERLIST

Peter Parker and Y/n had always been a story for the ages.

It hadn't been life long friends, and their meeting hadn't been all that important. They'd had a class together and as both of them engaged with the content and asked questions and did reports and read out loud, their faces became familiar with each other. Then Spider-Man had gotten caught up in a fight and his mask had come off. Y/n had been stunned to see the big brown doe eyes of the cute guy in his AP bio class.

It had been the most anti-climactic thing, truly. Y/n had discovered a sight dedicated to "fangirling over Spider-Man" except that they didn't do much discussion or giving of content. However, when Y/n went through the internet looking for pictures with Spider-Man's face, there was a startling very few available. For how many hungry reporters and shocked civilian or eager tourist was here and with how often Spider-Man lost or destroyed or just straight up took off his mask, there should be more.

When he found that there were images, they were just unavailable, he deep dove it and used his skill witch coding to figure out what happened. And what he uncovered was stunning - the website "dedicated to fangirling over Spiderman" was either a cover, or they believed that the best fans were dedicated to keeping Spider-Man's secret identity a secret. Peter Parker was New York's little secret.

It made Y/n so curious to meet the man. So of course they had to.

Asking for notes or a pencil or complimenting a sweater or giggling at his jokes that he said under his breath turned into lunches together for convenience and then studying together and then suddenly they were friends. Exchanging phone numbers and inside jokes and nicknames.

It was obvious that he was Spider-Man if you knew what you were looking for. His poor excuses and his sudden exists and late entries. Cancelled plans right when Spider-Man was needed, and all for a job that didn't even pay that well.

Peter was fairly good at hiding it. He was a disaster - a mistake waiting to happen - but he had a whole city behind him so it was okay.

It made Y/n fall in love with Spider-Man even more.

And maybe Peter Parker too.

There was something about the boy though. Something darker that he shook off when he had the mask. Something heavy that was easy to miss when you couldn't see his facial expressions. There was a distance when Y/n would jokingly flirt or be physically affectionate. He offered to take Peter to meet his folks once and Peter had seemed... to not like that. He had squirmed and wriggled, desperate to get away. When he came up with an "emergency" and Spider-Man stopped a mugger and got a kite out of tree Y/n knew that he shouldn't bring it up again.

It was obvious that Peter had lost someone, so Y/n tucked away any realizations or feelings and let them stay casual friends. Not best friends, not truly close - always at an arm's length. But friends.

Until, of course, Peter got drunk.

Peter never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Y/n was pretty sure he was depressed. Which had driven him to try and get Peter out more, to find him hobbies and past times. Peter had come to the parties and gatherings and slam poetries and walks and clubs Y/n had dragged him to, just like tonight, with the understanding that if he needed to leave he could at any moment.

It didn't seem that moment would come tonight.

At some point Peter had put down his phone and walked away after having a few drinks, getting looser and more relaxed. He never went far from Y/n but seemed to have a hard time sitting still or staying in the same place. They paced or walked in circles and that seemed to do the trick. Y/n had noticed the other man put down his phone after checking the time and walked away again, so Y/n had snagged it for safe keeping. He would give it back tomorrow morning.

It took a lot or drinks for Peter to get proper wasted, but it happened. It seemed to be absent minded and on accident. He kept talking and walking, keeping his voice above the music in the room, and Y/n found himself trailing after in a love sick haze. Peter was gorgeous on his own, but the way his face light up and his hair got messier and messier... he was breathtaking when he went on rants, and Y/n was more than pleased to listen.

So he didn't stop Peter from drinking. And to be fair, neither did Peter.

Y/n knew they'd both made a mistake when Peter stopped walking, leaning against a table behind him and sighing. Y/n came closer to check on him and Peter reached out, fingers wrapping around Y/n's waist and face pressing into his shoulder. Y/n's body blossomed with heat and something akin to a buzzing, making him tense but giddy.

He tried to ignore that.

Peter sighed, leaning against Y/n, and the more sober of them gave a little chuckle. "You okay, Pete?"

"You're so comfy," was all Peter had to say. His voice was soft and airy, almost sleepy. But he had no problem mostly keeping himself up, nor did he seem to sway or buckle. He was just... drawn to Y/n. Like a magnet.

Y/n blushed. "Thank you."

Peter stared, for a long time, not saying anything. Y/n got nervous, shifting. The look was full of adoration and warmth. Admiration simmered at the edges, a sappy smile smearing across his face. "Did I ever mention that you look really attractive when you get all..." he tilted his head, searching for a word. "Blushy." He giggled. "Shy? No. Not just shy, but reserved too. Nervous." His face flitted briefly into a scowl, but when he went from trying yo grasp the word in his mind to admiring Y/n again, the smile came back. "I'm glad we met."

Y/n couldn't get the courage to look at him. "So am I." He cleared his throat, melting under that gaze. Under those words. "Perhaps we should get home."

Peter nodded. "I don't want to be here anymore. Let's go somewhere - just us." He took Y/n's hands, taking longer to do so as he traced Y/n's fingers and sighed blissfully at the contact. Like he was relieved after so long wanting it. Like how Y/n did when he felt the touch.

"Yeah. If that's what you really want." Y/n closed his eyes, chastising himself and forcing himself to stay focused. "Tomorrow. Tonight you need sleep." He began walking, keeping an eye on if Peter needed help walking, but he didn't. Not surprising for the same Spider-Man that could balance on a string that seemed thin as hair, or cling to any surface.

Peter whined and Y/n had to hide a smile with his free hand. "Not tomorrow," he begged, tugging on Y/n's hand. It was almost like a child begging for candy in the store, but less dramatic and much mote desperate. The thought of leaving Y/n seemed to genuinely upset him... Y/n didn't know how to feel about that. "I'll go to bed if you spend the night."

Now that was dangerous.

Y/n only hummed in thought, actually considered it. Drunk people were hard to handle and even if he didn't, he would need to lie to Peter to get him home. If the superhero genuinely didn't want to go or decided that messing around with Y/n to prolong their time together it would he near impossible to get ahold of him again...

They got all the way to Peter's door before he spoke again. "Are you staying?"

Y/n gave him a sideways look as he pushed the door open, having snagged Peter's keys from his pocket. He'd thought he's gotten away with it after such a long silence, but it seemed Peter was eternally patient even drunk. He sighed as they moved into the apartment, Peter always snatching Y/n's hand the second they were free. "Why does it matter so much to you that I stay, hm?" He pulled himself away from the drunk man again, closing the door and putting the keys away. Pulling Peter's jacket off and removing his shoes and grabbing a glass of water and Ibuprofen for tomorrow morning, setting it on the table at Peter's bed. It was only when he seemed finished, about to head out again, that Peter caught him.

Holding one of Y/n's hands in each of his, looking deep into his eyes, Peter didn't just seem genuine, he seemed raw. Exposed. "Y/n. I've been punishing myself for so long... always alone. For so long." He closed his eyes, pressing their foreheads together. "It's suffocating me, the loneliness. And you make it easier to breathe. So... stay. If you want." He swallowed before adding a breathless, "Please."

Y/n's heart was ramming in his chest. "If you need a friend tonight, I can of course stay." He added friend on purpose this time - to remind himself.

That seemed to upset Peter though. "Don't call yourself that. Please, please don't-" he closed his eyes tightly. "I know we're friends. And I'm goad we're friends. But don't remind me we're friends when I want to kiss you so badly. Please."

Y/n's breath caught. "Pete-" He stopped himself. "You're drunk. You don't know what you're saying."

Peter chuckled, shaking his head. "Drunk words are sober thoughts. That's a popular saying for a reason."

Oh god.

"You- I-" Y/n's face was burning and he was running out of reasons to go. Ways to deny it. Peter was Spider-Man. There's so much Y/n still wasn't supposed to know. They'd been friends for a while now, and they were just getting close. There was still that gap though. That space that Peter kept.

Now he was throwing all of it away.

Peter didn't wait for Y/n to form thoughts. He let go of Y/n's hands, reaching up for his face instead. Peter's face trailed Y/n's jaw. "Can I kiss you? I... I've wanted to kiss you for so long. If you felt the same way. The way your heart is racing, I thought you might."

Y/n's eyes widen. Of course he can hear heartbeats. The world wouldn't be as unfair as it was if he couldn't.

But also, how could be lie now? When Peter knew he was? And maybe it was selfish, and he'd get his heart broken in the morning, but Peter was begging and god if Y/n wasn't just as eager.

"Okay."

There was no hesitation after that. Y/n had expected raging fire, or fireworks, but there was none of that. It was relief, cool to the touch like a breeze on a sweltering day, or a breath after drowning. It was laying in bed after a long, exhausting day or drinking something warm and sitting by the fire after a day of ice and snow.

Y/n did more than just stay over. It happened so fast, each kiss getting more and more desperate until their hands were wandering and they were falling back onto the bed and Peter didn't stutter a single second. He didn't stumble or hesitate. He had seemed to drink so much but all his words came easily, any slur he'd had before completely gone. He seemed sober.

Y/n was an idiot.

He tried to leave, but Peter had gripped onto his arm and begged him to stay. So Y/n woke up next to him in the morning, slipping out of bed and wandering into the living room.

Okay so that had just happened.

He felt like a villain. He felt like a moron. Peter had been drunk. FUCK he was a horrible person.

Out of part guilt and part anxiety, Y/n tidied the living room and kitchen before beginning to make breakfast. He couldn't in good will just leave Peter alone that morning, but he also couldn't stay in that bed. See Peter panic when he woke up and realized what had happened.

Would he panic? Would he be angry?

He would be justified to feel angry.

Y/n jumped when a set of arms wrapped around his waist from behind, a face burying into his shoulder. "Smells good," came Peter's muffled voice.

Y/n wordlessly finished the food, plating it and turning off the stove before turning to Peter. The brunette seemed weirdly unphased, taking each thing and making two plates, then wandering into the living room to set them down on the clean table, plopping onto the couch. He smiled. "And you clean? I'm spoiled."

Y/n crossed his arms over his chest, a little confused and a little annoyed. "Peter. We need to talk about last night."

The smile faded off of his face and it happened so easily that Y/n was stunned to realize it had been more fake than he'd realized. "I'm sorry."

That came as a shock too. "You're sorry? You? Peter, I'm sorry."

Peter looked up at that, narrowing his eyes in confusion. "I'm the one who was pushing you into-" He looked away. "You obviously regret it, and it was stupid, and I'm sorry I just-"

Y/n scoffed. "Peter, you were drunk. You were more honest than you usually are. That isn't a bad thing. But you were drunk, and I wasn't, and I completely took advantage of you and-"

Peter tilted his head. "I wasn't drunk."

Y/n froze. "What?"

Peter blushed. "Well- I was drunk at first." He looked away, fiddling with a couch pillow. "But by the time we got here I was pretty much sober. I have some what of a healing factor, so-"

Y/n's eyes widened. "You have a what?"

Peter looked back, his expression dripping with amusement. "Y/n, I'm not good at keeping secrets, and you're not good at it either. My mask is hanging up on the hook by the door and you hung up my keys next to it and didn't even blink."

Y/n's head whipped around and - sure enough - there was the mask.

Damnit.

He looked back sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I... just..."

Peter laughed, standing from the couch. "It's okay. I... appreciate it, honestly. Most people demand explanations or details or ask an overwhelming questions. When I realize you knew?" He shook his head. "How long have you known?"

Y/n pursed his lip, shrugging. A... while."

Peter snorted. "Since the beginning then."

Y/n winced. "Not the very beginning."

Peter laughed again, this time closing the distance between them. "I don't know what you were beating yourself up for but I hope you realize that you don't have to. I was drunk, and that made me much more affectionate than I usually am... but, it was the affection itself that drove me insane. It was likeI'd been starving." He shrugged. "I probably was. But kissing you..." He smiled sweetly.

Y/n blushed. It was quiet for a moment before he asked, “So you’re glad last night happened?”

Peter grinned. “Yes. I am.” He shuffled, as if he wanted to ask something but felt too silly to do so.

“I’m glad it happened too,” Y/n eased. Peter melted in relief, his expression blooming with adoration - so close to the way he had looked at Y/n last night. Y/n took his hand, tracing the bones and veins. “Do you… want to be my boyfriend?” He cringed - it felt so silly to ask. Like he was in middle school all over again.

A chuckle came from Peter, but his answer didn’t follow in the form of words. Instead he reached over, catching Y/n’s chin and leaning into a kiss. They sighed blissfully at the same time, and Y/n divided that was answer enough.

Male Readers: @ravenpuff-oli @sortzz @fadedver

#Peter Parker #peter 3 x reader #peter parker x male reader #peter parker imagine #peter parker x reader #the amazing spiderman x male reader #the amazing Spider-Man #the amazing Spider-Man imagine #the amazing Spider-Man x reader #Spiderman x reader #Spiderman x male reader #Spiderman imagine #male reader #marvel

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x-liv25-jamieswife · 7 days

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can you pls do some jameson headcannons?

jameson head canons

of course, i'd love to. jamie is the best brother, and that is not up for discussion. might suck cause i'm currently dying (not fr). i also might make a part two cause i wrote these at like 2am and feel like i have some better ideas. hope you like them<3

his favorite kind of alcohol is whiskey (idk why is just feel it)

he's ambidextrous

loves chase atlantic and the weekend but is also a sucker for love songs, laufey, and taylor swift

actually has a really nice voice. he'll sometimes sing in the shower and avery thinks its adorable (she also has a great voice so sometimes they sing together)

he has nightmares about the day avery got bombed and almost died.

he literally only drinks black coffee with the tiniest amount of milk in it.

he's secretly a huge anime fan, especially more romantic animes.

he had an obsession with octopuses when he was younger (i have no idea why). he used to get tobias to take him out to places where the could see them

played roblox for the longest time possible (he loved bullying kids and playing really difficult obbies (he would not stop until he finished them))

he takes hours getting ready in the morning bc he has a 1094 step hair care routine.

when he gets anxious (very rare) he plays with the hem of his shirt.

he's a very good electric guitar player (i imagine him doing those videos you see on tiktok where the guy is playing and you can only see his hands (people are thirsting over it in the comments))

posts thirst traps on tiktok and tags avery in every single one of them so she can see (at this point this is canon)

when he becomes older, people see him as a dilf.

seems like the kind of guy who would like rough s*x and, although he does like it, he prefers it when its romantic

gets extremely scared that avery will someday realize she deserves better than him and will leave him (he thinks its true but its not). he'll wake up from nightmares where he loses her crying silently, and he'll start cuddling up with her.

loves being the little spoon in bed or resting his head on avery's chest.

he has pinterest boards with inspiration for his dates with avery.

has the sluttiest waist known to human kind (it has everyone in a chokehold)

he went behind tobias' back and got on anti-depressants (i'm projecting) (he got them prescribed to him obvi). he still takes them.

he's actually a really big fan of poetry and literature (one of the reasons why he loves taylor)

when he's really deep in thought/is confused, his eyebrows will scrunch together

he used to be a really big nail biter. he'd especially bite his nails when he knew tobias was disappointed in him and wanted to talk to him.

when he has to sleep without avery, he cuddles up with a pillow bc he hates not falling asleep holding someone/something

has a teddy bear he's had since he was baby that he still has today and cuddles up with when he's alone

he's perfected his fake smile and literally no one can see through it (except for avery)

he loves receiving kisses on his nose (from avery of course)

he used to have a friend group he liked a lot until he realized they only wanted him around bc of his money

his comfort series is percy jackson (in another post i said avery used to have an edit account dedicated to pjo, so they bond over their love for the series)

hates having dry lips. it irks him. he always has lip balm with him

he has impeccable taste in clothing but no one really knows cause he never makes an effort

he only cries at night in the comfort of his room in his pillow

really depressing, but he's tried to kill himself multiple times but tobias always stopped him (but did nothing to help him)

he absolutely loves stargazing. all of his worries melt away whenever he's stargazing.

for halloween one year, he dressed up as a condom...

i apologize for any spelling mistakes :)

#the inheritance games #jameson hawthorne #grayson hawthorne #avery grambs #nash hawthorne #xander hawthorne

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sandrayprotector · 7 months

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Ray from the perspective of an addict and mentally ill person

TW // addiction, death, depression, self-harm, drug abuse

Addiction from the POV of a [former] addict (prescription medicine, alcohol, deodorant, self-harm) and the parallels to Ray and his behavior.

I'll be totally open and vulnerable here, I'll be honest about my experiences and about the pros and cons which I have lived through. And I will be drawing the parallels between my former behavior and how Ray acts and pointing out why he might act certain ways and I'll give you the POV of someone who lost a loved one to addiction as well.

So please proceed with caution ⚠️

What is addiction? When does it start?

Clinically there is a perfect definition for that. It is an illness (yet many don't seem to view it as that)

But personally I can't really tell you the moment, the one thing that made me realize I'm an addict.

It's a slow process and that's making it so hard to realize.

I've been on ADHD meds since i was 7 years old, hence didn't really have the chance of a sober life from the start. I was misdiagnosed, the ADHD pills didn't really do much for me other than make me addicted and give me a cushion that wrapped me, shielding me from my own feelings.

Once that cushion was taken away from me, I spiraled. I was 11 years old. I tried to find something new, something to deal with my newly found emotions, something to deal with some trauma I've experienced in that time and I started abusing ibuprofen(which I found In my parents drawer) and started self-harming (which as well can be classed as addiction).

I started drinking when I was 12, black out drunk the first time when I was 13, the same time I started smoking cigarettes. As I said, I never really had a sober life. At age 14 I started using deodorant, the spray ones, inhaling the toxines. It helped me - for 30 minutes. Deodorant is so, so dangerous you can die, the first time you're using it. It's not some soft drug or anything it's life threatening and 4 of my friends went into the hospital because of it. I was "lucky" enough it never happened to me, maybe it should have maybe I had stopped.

At age 15/16 my excessive alcohol consume finally caught the eye of my little brother, begging me to stop come home pissed drunk nearly everyday. I didn't listen, I thought I had everything under control or didn't want to admit I fell in a rabbit hole. I was on 4 different anti-depressants at that time, the addiction already had taken a toll on me, and my mental health declined further. Anti-depressants and Alcohol are a toxic combination, it wasn't a very bright time.

This went on until I was 18 and had it's peak when I was 19, living alone with my boyfriend (at that time) for the first time in my life. Waking up, drinking 1 Liter of box red wine, smoking a cigarette, taking my pills, go out, drink more, abuse deodorant, pass out, repeat. In between self-harm was still something I used to control my feelings. and I don't really have many memories of that time it's all just a big blur. My family and friends had distanced from me for a while at that point. I was a burden, didn't listen to them, began being verbally violent towards them and even physically violent at some point. I was a horrible person.

I had a turning point when I turned 20, I found a person willing to put up with me, reaching their hand out to me, willing to help and destroy themselves in the run. Well it wasn't all sunshine in the beginning we abused alcohol and w33d together, getting high almost everyday, it was like a ritual for both of us. The only positive outcome was that my self-harming became less and less over time. I stopped using my anti-depressants (never NEVER do that like me without going to a doctor). And my life seemed to get better.

I started getting horror trips from the w33d and stopped using it. I started to get pretty heavy hangovers from the alcohol my body was at a point where it began to crumble. And finally, my mind snapped and I realized I needed to change ( after having lost almost all my friends and family) after destroying my body to a point where I still to date have problems. I was 22 at that point.

I got into therapy and worked my way out.

I'm still an addict, I still think about almost all the time. When i drink alcohol it's very hard to stop myself from over-drinking, I still self-harm, still take more ibuprofen than prescribed but I'm good, as far as i can be. Addiction is hell, it's messing up your life and leaves you with a blur of memories that don't feel like they're yours. It takes a toll on your body and mind. It's really like burning in hell fire.

The POV of someone who lost a loved one to addiction

I was 13 when my first love overdosed on heroin. He was the very first person who genuinely showed me love, told me I was perfect the way I was.

I got to know him when I was 11, after I was assaulted in a Park. He was 12 at the time, turning 13 shortly after.

He already was smoking and drinking when I got to know him. And looking back it seems that we spiraled together, he fell harder than I did.

He used weed for the first time on his 13th birthday. and on his 14th birthday he was already addicted to Heroin.

We had great times together, I loved him unconditionally. We weren't together (we never got together) but we cared for each other deeply. It was a love on another level something that only comes once in a lifetime.

He changed. Not only his looks ; he got more skinny, his eyes (beautiful eyes, so beautiful) were sunken in, his skin was ashy etc. But his personality changed as well. He was still a wonderful person, still caring, still the perfect boy (in my eyes). But he was careless, his life didn't seem to mean much to him anymore. He was rarely sober, rarely able to stand or walk straight. He was tired all the time, and if he was on turkey ( withdrawal) he became unbearable, even violent at times.

It was heaven and hell being close to him. Like Ikarus burning his wings on the sun honestly. And I was only a child as well, I was only 11, 12, 13...

You can only do so much when someone you love struggles with addiction and I was an active addict myself, even though I wasn't aware of it at that time. I was a heavy drinker, self-harmed. We were so toxic for each other, so, so toxic.

And the sad part was that no one noticed. No one noticed us spiraling, his fresh needle marks in the arms. Or they turned a blind eye, kept telling themselves that everything was alright, I don't know.

His aunt (he didn't live with his parents) saw him as burden, told him he was a burden to her and her family. He took that to his heart. He often cried because he asked himself what he did wrong to be treated like that. We (me and his best friend) didn't have an answer for him.

When he turned 16, I didn't know that it would be the last birthday we would be celebrating together - only 3 days later he was dead. He only had the chance to be 16 for 3 days. 16 years and 3 days. I knew him for 3 years and 2 weeks.

I found him. He overdosed in a dirty bathroom, all alone. There was no one there to help him. And I blame myself till now (14 years later) that if I had arrived just a few minutes earlier, if I had slept over like I had promised the day before, he would still be here.

I've never been to his grave, I didn't go to his funeral. I physically can't.

I miss him so damn much, every day.

And the worst is that not even that stopped me from my addictions, it didn't make me realize that I was slowly approaching the same fate. I would say it made it worse, on my 14th birthday I smoked weed for the first time, 2 month after his death. And I only spiraled from there.

He wasn't the best and most loyal friend. He was an idiot at times, angry and violent at others. He stole multiple times from me, because he didn't have enough money to feed his addiction. He picked fights, randomly without reasoning and very uncalled for.

But he was my idiot. Mine. Maybe I can't be objective when talking about him. Maybe my lingering feelings want me to see him in a better light.

I did suffer a lot in this friendship, wanted to call it quits often. I even told him once or twice that he's destroying me, but I won't ever leave him.

I found a letter after I found him. I still keep that letter. "Princess, I needed to die so you can live." i never hated him more than in that moment. But now that I'm an adult, I understand that maybe he was right.

I'm sorry for rambling, sorry for making you read this confession/cry idk what to call it.

I loved an addict, I loved a wonderful boy who took one false turn. I lost an addict, I lost the shell of the wonderful who Nico once was.

Parallels between my experience/behavior and Ray's in only friends

Okay let's look at Ray's background.

The first parallel I want to point out is Trauma.

Ray's Mother's Death - drinking to death

In my case it was a friend overdosing in front of my eyes, I found him just like Ray did with his mother

I was 11 turning 12, I think Ray was around that same age, maybe a year or 2 older.

My friend died age 16 with a needle in his arm. Addiction and death don't know age.

Okay so, 1st point, experiencing trauma at a young age.

2nd from what I saw Ray didn't really get help with his trauma, just the same as me, driving him to depression (more severely). If you have no help, especially at that age, you WILL spiral

3rd :

Your friends start to distance themselves (which is their right in some way)

My friends dealt with me the same ways Ray's friends deal with him. They tried, they really did try to help me, but they were just teenagers/young adults themselves

You can't expect someone that age to help an addict.

BUT what they and my friends could've done, would be sending us to a psych ward, you can do that if it's a life threatening situation, which Ray is in and which I was in as well.

4th

Anger issues when being drunk.

Most of the time we see Ray as this cute puppy with big eyes, but the moment he drinks, he has violent tendency.

Which I can just say I did as well. Alcohol doesn't numb you, it brings your feelings to the surface

Feelings you've bottled up deep inside, trying to numb them with other things (in Ray's case probably c0c4ine, in my case deodorant)

5th

Being clingy to strangers

this may surprise you but I can totally get why Ray clinged to Sand after he helped him that one time.

You're just such a sucker for human interaction, physical touch, feeling worthy, you really don't care from where you get it

In my case even though I am asexual I slept around a lot at that time, trying to get that little bit of love no one could give me

And seeing how Ray acts, it's the same for him as well

6th

Manipulation

Yes Ray is manipulative, not in the way Boston is, but still.

He knows how to get what he wants and knows exactly what to do to reach his goal.

As an an addict your life basically becomes a lie at one point or the other.

You lie to yourself, the people around you, and sometimes even build your own world in which you can enable yourself.

And all of that while being 40% aware of what you're doing (Ray knows exactly how to get Sand to do what he wants)

7th

Playing it down

"Just for the little sip"

"I'm a light weight"

"I'm not that drunk"

Constantly playing down the severity of the problem is something I did as well and we've seen it from Ray more than once.

8th

crying for help but don't actually want help

Ray not once but multiple times basically cried for help, not only the obvious (bathtub scene) but the time when he told Sand why his mother died, just when he poured alcohol, the times he claimed he's just a burden and so on. All of those are indirectly cries for help, yet no one notices.

And I promise even if they would try to help, Ray would just turn it down. Because why would he want to lose something that helps him get through life.

I was the same

Addiction isn't black and white. It's often Grey. Addiction can be your best friend and worst nightmare.

Addiction isn't something you can battle alone, and the battle will never stop.

It's even more dangerous if you have other mental issues as well

Ray definitely suffers from depression and maybe a personality disorder. Anxiety could also be a possibility, that guy is severely sick.

As in my case I have a few diagnosis, borderline, anxiety and depression being the most severe.

Being in Ray's shoes is not an easy walk. It's exhausting, it's pulling you down. And I can totally relate to his su1cidal tendencies because I was at that point more than once as well.

It's hell being an addict, even more so when your whole social bubble basically enables your behavior (Ray's Friends do that, mine did as well)

And it's so easy pulling everyone down the hole with you. Everyone will burn themselves on you, they will get hurt.

You can't expect a healthy relationship to someone with a severe addiction, they're toxic and they will kick you out of your comfortable life.

But they're sick and they need help, not beating them down when they're already on the ground.

I hope I could give you a little more insight and if you have questions please don't shy away and ask me whatever you want 🥺🥰

You're worthy, you're strong, you're amazing, I'm proud of you and wish you nothing but the best in life

#khaotung thanawat #gmmtv #bl drama #firstkhaotung #only friends the series #sandray #ray only friends #addiction #mental health #mental illness #awareness #thai bl

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mal-likes-biscuits · 6 months

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Character Arcs in Archfall - Mal

You'll notice I didn't say "Malthael" at the top there. I think his character is developed enough from canon it's safe and probably good to keep the distinction.

Last series was about Malthael. He learned a lot about mortality, immortality, life, death, and possibly most importantly, love. The universal kind of love that binds a lot of creatures together and makes short life meaningful. He learned what he would do for love, instead of fear, and what he was willing to sacrifice to make the right decision, not the easy one.

But this is Mal. In many ways, he's starting his life over again. Everything he'd felt tied to previously outside of Sanctuary is gone. Shattered into thousands of little shards that are now spread across the landscape. Little stab wounds that remind him of the results of his decision.

It wasn't just his decision, was it? It feels that way a lot, for him. We see this in Breathe, when he's trying to dig himself out of the harrowing pit of depression. He did convince people, and he's so used to doing that for an entire species, it's hard for him to admit this one wasn't actually him.

And so, as that entire previous life is mostly torn away from him, and he's left with a lot of time on his hands, he realizes he still has a lot of questions -- for himself.

Who is he? Not the former Archangel of Wisdom, or the Reaper of Westmarch, or even That Guy That Haunts the Library -- but him.

Who is Mal? What does he like? What does he hate? He has all this time to consciously ponder these questions, instead of everything being reactive as it's been for the last nearly 7 years he's been mortal. He's walked, or more run, from crisis to crisis, plot to plot, and now the immensely hyperactive brain of his is being given a chance to soul search.

Oh, does he hate it, initially. But then, is it really so bad? To take a moment and breathe? To read those books, drink that tea, eat those biscuits and treats he likes?

And gradually, he realizes there's momentum to his life in other ways. Whether he likes it or not, the Heavens are as good as gone. But he's there. Tyrael and Auriel are there. Farah, and Lyndon, and the Nephalem who survived ... they're there too.

Is it so awful to rebuild again with those who have come to love you as you are?

Interestingly, Mal ended up having one of the strongest, how to term it, anti-sin reflexes of many of the characters I've been writing. For being the Angel of Death, he's often caught up trying really hard not to fall in other ways. He doesn't even realize he does it, most of the time.

Because, isn't indulgence a form of sin? Gluttony? Greed? He doesn't have time for those things, he tells himself. That's for the Hells. He has better things to do than to sit and enjoy himself.

Maybe, deep down, it's because he knows he fixates on things, and if he gives himself that chance to relax and enjoy things, he's going to be gone. Where's the safety in that? It's asking for someone to stab you in the back.

Isn't it shameful, in a way? Wasteful? So very, very --

Human.

Millenia of selfishness, in many ways, has tempered his desire to ever do something for himself again. But has Mal ever functioned otherwise? He's certainly learning. He's learning to trust, and to be genuinely, overtly kind. Again, we see this in Breathe, when likely for the first time in his extremely long life, he fully apologizes to someone for his own behaviour.

And this is the through-line that really carries Mal's behaviour and development in Archfall. Left without a cause, he makes his cause himself -- finally, if most of the other characters were allowed a comment.

He's spent so much time running away under the guise of finding the truth. Hells be damned, though, he's going to try this time. And never let it be said that when Mal puts his mind to something, he won't succeed.

Series 1 had that accidental, deliciously slow burn of a love story. Series 2 is a methodical, heartfelt, comical even at times, but fully earnest romance about a poor sap who isn't romantic in the slightest, but he is going to do his best for the woman he loves.

Thankfully, he has some pretty awesome wingmen, and one patient pi'ra.

#Mal #Diablo: Archfall #headcanons

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dorn-queen-of-thorns · 6 months

Text

"Our future signed in letter"

Chapter 3

High in the air:

The sadness and depression are so heavy in her bones. She just can't anymore. First she lost Eren many years ago and now she has to separate from Armin and his family. The only good thing is that she will have a chance to see him and his family again in a few years, when things have calmed down.

Mikasa has turned away from Onyankopon and leans her head against the window, so he doesn't notice that she has cried herself to sleep. She is not very familiar with the presence of the former anti-Marley alliance spy, even though they worked together against Eren 6 years ago. So she has tried the best to hide her tears, but she probably failed. But sleep lets her sink into a depth that she doesn't notice much any more.

She dreams of Eren and Armin as she always played with them and always had the urge to take care of both . For everything in the world she wanted to protect both of them. Now with Eren she failed miserably. She couldn't protect him from himself, and she is responsible for his death and has to live with the guilt. Back then it was called Eren or everyone else had to die. It was a logical calculation: one life against all life. What guilt was easier to bear: being responsible for the death of a loved one or the death of all of your friends. Very hard to say for her: Eren against Armin and Levi. Ultimately, she decided in favor of the life of Armin and Levi, and death for Eren.

As a young girl, she runs after Eren and Armin playfully and somehow tries to reach them. She stretches her right arm forward, only one meter, two, three ... She just can't reach either of them. They move further and further away from her. Until they both turn to her and both wave to her with a big smile . But she just doesn't get a step closer ... And when her despair threatens to overwhelm her, she wakes up in horror and holds her chest, breathing heavily.

She looks over at Onyankopon with sleepy eyes. "You finally woke up, you slept through half of the flight," he smiles, "at least you have at least a good night's sleep."

Mikasa assumes he is referring to her former captain. "Seems so", she says with a dry mouth. Onyankopon hands her a canteen with water, which she gratefully accepts and drinks a generous sip. "We have to make a short stop in Cairo to fill up with kerosene and water. Otherwise we make an involuntary landing in the Mediterranean Sea and go swimming or pass out due to dehydration. "

Mikasa has never heard of such places and Onyankopon understands her questioning look, “Gabi and Falco are also in London with the captain. They often help out in our tea shop and Falco is trained to be the next successor of me and Levi. The two have a globe and literature on the geography of the world in their household. The two will show you and teach you a lot. "

“Gabi and Falco have a common household?” Mikasa finds this hard to believe. Both are at least 7 years younger and should therefore be around 18 years old. “Yes, for half a year. You can't blame either of them. Both are children of war and are looking for their peace with each other, "says Onyankopon thoughtfully," the captain makes dry remarks about the fact that both are only engaged to exchange their first sexual experiences with his dirty mouth. But he is not entirely wrong about it. We all expect that Gabi will soon announce the good news that she will be pregnant with her first child. "

Mikasa looks at Onyankopon with wide eyes. She can imagine how Levi's remark about them sounds in her ears and laughs inwardly. A giggle derails from her lips.

“The captain should take care of his affairs rather than give advice about Gabi and Falco. Isn't it Mikasa? ”He winks at her mischievously. She is embarrassed again.

"I'm afraid he'll send me away because I haven't said a single word of farewell to him," she says thoughtfully.

Onyankopon understands her concern, “From what Armin said, you were in shock at this point. Levi knows that too. "

"It's not that," she bursts out emotionally. She casually wipes away the moisture in her eyes, "I left them all because of Eren and made it appear that the others are unimportant. I left him badly injured and then the remains of a corpse were more important than an injured person at that moment. He could also have died and I just accepted it ", she alludes to the captain.

“Mikasa, he was not alone and he is now in the best of health as a war veteran can be. And he said it once , that he didn't know , how he would react, if he had stood there with Erwin or Hanji in your place. You were in a state of emergency and he shows understanding and is not resentful towards you. I think he could forgive you almost everything. You are important to him. More than you probably realize, "he looks at her empathetically.

Mikasa is embarressed when he says this confirmation , "he is also important to me," she says softly with a smile on her face. “It's good that that's been clarified and you should tell him personally when you get the chance. There will be plenty of opportunities for you in the near future. By the way, he doesn't know that you are on your way to see him, "Onyankopon mentions," you can decide , when you want to see him for the first time and he just knows that I have an important job to do. If you want, you can take a room first to think about how you want to proceed. But be prepared that as soon as he sees you again for the first time, he won't want to let you go. Can you handle it?"

Onyankopon looks at her expectantly, Mikasa’s eyes start to shine. He understands why the captain fell in love with her many years ago and he is happy for both of them that she seems to reciprocate her feelings for him. “Now prepare yourself for the landing. We will slowly lose height now, but don't be afraid. "

They land on an airfield in Cairo with a strange feeling. Mikasa has never seen so many "flying boats". Onyankopon notices her overwhelmed look, "You should see the airport in London. Cairo is nothing against it. It takes an hour to refuel the kerosene. In that time we can have a drink. We can sit down together in the next café and take a short break. "

They sit down together in a café with a large viewing platform. Onyankopon noticed Mikasa's surprised look. Among them is a huge river landscape that Mikasa has never seen before. At the river banks she sees small forests that are fed by the water and then these forests are again surrounded by a sand landscape. A surreal picture.

“Is that a sea? I only saw so much water near the Sea of Paradis ”, Mikasa is always overwhelmed by so much water. Armin would certainly have enjoyed this view.

“It's a river,” Onyankopon explains to her. He sips a dark drink that looks like coffee, only much, much darker, “we call it the Nile, and it's the second largest river on earth next to the Amazon. And extends over there the Saharan desert, the largest desert on earth. ”With so many unknown names, Mikasa becomes completely confused and she cannot believe that this is supposed to be a river .. The waiter brings Mikasa the same drink and a sweet pastry. She sips the drink and it tastes a little like those foreign spices that are sold dearly in the market in Paradis . The pastry is filled with dry fruit and is so sweet it sticks to her teeth.

“The locals call this drink mocca and it's a mix of very strong coffee and cinnamon and cardamom. But you should be careful and not drink the last bit, "this objection came too late to Mikasa's facial reaction. She feels too late how the coffee grounds migrate down her esophagus and has to gag and cough at this feeling. Customers look at her disgusted at the next table she is uncomfortable to attract attention again. Be it not for her appearance this time, but for her behavior. Onyankopon gives her a handkerchief so that she can calm down and soothes the neighbors at the table and explains that this is her first time drinking this drink After this incident, Mikasa wants to go back to the plane and Onyankopon has her takeaway rations packed and pays for everything.

Ashamed, she sits back on the plane and sadly eats her pastries. Onyankopon carefully touches her shoulder, "people would treat you very differently if they knew that the" savior of mankind "was standing before them. Armin didn't want to be portrayed as the sole hero with his team and that's why he made many things clear that you saved us all. However, he didn't want people to look for you because you need your time and want to determine when the time is ready.“

She looks at Onyankopon questioningly. “That's your nickname in the world. You are a heroine here and cause many to write songs and stories about you. The young girl Mikasa, who saved the world and the rest of humanity from Eren Jaeger ... "

"PLEASE STOP !!!" Mikasa cannot hear such nonsense and closes her ears. Images of her and Eren come back to her and how she kissed his cold lips. She trembles at the thought and all memories come back to her. The long unspeakable dream with Eren and all that blood ...

"Shit !!!", Onyankopon curses at his own stupidity and he gently strokes her back, "I didn't want to hurt you and remind you of things that you haven't been able to process yet." Tears of grief come again in her high. She actually didn't want to cry again, "I wish Armin was here ...", she says sadly. He could surely have brought her back out of the deep.

“Mikasa, he's not here and he's trying to protect his family. You don't know how afraid he is for them and for you too ", Onyankopon sighs sadly," it's just not fair. After you all gave so much from the Alliance and risked your life and the 14th Commander died in the process ", On the mention of Commander Hanji Zoe, Onyankopon seems emotional," You, Armin and his family are being persecuted on Paradis and accused of murdering Eren. Are you aware of that? "

Mikasa is not stupid and lately she has been receiving solace in the marketplace. She nods in understanding and a deep fear builds up in her, “But why did he take care of me first and not Annie and Jonathan? Onyankopon, hopefully the others will make it ... "

Onyankopon can empathize with the fear, “Mikasa, they will make it. Do not worry. Annie is heavily pregnant and the journey is even more difficult and dangerous for her than it is for you. She had to make important arrangements with her midwife again today. But now Annie and Jonathan should be away from the island and on the way to her father in Marley and Armin will be on his way tonight. ”Mikasa tries to calm down slowly and with that ends the conversation. Onyankopon decides to get some sleep again, as the flight is a total of 14 hours and a 28-hour flight within 48 hours is simply a strain. Flight experience or not. Neither of them are in a hurry to get to London, so Mikasa watches the people for 2 hours. She sees young families walking with their children and imagines her new life in London.

So Gabi and Falco are engaged now ? , she thinks. Will I feel the same way with Levi? The thought fills her with a warmth that she knows from time to time in times of being alone. She imagines how Gabi and Falco are expecting their first child and how she is again the aunt of a newborn. She thinks of Jonathan at the thought. Who was always inquisitive by her side and wanted to know everything possible when they were out in nature together. She has to smile at the thought.

After about 2 hours, Onyankopon wakes up feeling refreshed and indicates that the flight will continue. They still have a 7-hour flight ahead of them and in the end they both arrive at Croydon Airport in South London late at 10 o'clock in the evening. Since Onyankopon is too exhausted to drive again and he notices Mikasa's growing nervousness, he lets them both take a carriage to Levis Tea Shop. The climate in London is completely different. It is very warm here and many of the residents have the same color as Onyankopon. Mikasa has never seen so many dark-skinned people. Everywhere she sees construction sites and the reconstruction of the capital, for the destruction of Erens rumbeling is responsible.

Mikasa is depressed by the sight of the city and sees something good in this world, to have stopped Eren. Otherwise everything would have been completely destroyed here. Erwin once called such a warlike act leaving scorched earth. Interested, she lets her gaze wander everywhere, the lanterns go on in the late evening and a romantic atmosphere arises. Onyankopon slept the whole trip. He is too exhausted, he has almost 30 hours of flight behind him and then the worry of being caught on Paradis.

After a 20 minute drive through South London they arrive at the small tea shop. Onyankopon wakes up tired, “we are there, Mikasa.” Mikasa sees the little shop from the outside. It has a large shop window called "Levi‘s & Onyankopon‘s Tea Shop". From the outside, Mikasa sees a small but apparently muscular person in a wheelchair wiping the tables in the shop, Mikasa's heart leaps and bounds. She also sees two younger people, clearly Gabi and Falco. Both clean up the outside area and move the chairs. Onyankopon unloads her luggage and gives the driver the fare.

“Are you ready?” Asks Onyankopon, examining her. Mikasa nods to him. Onyankopon goes ahead and she follows him across the street. As with every meter, Mikasa feels that she is losing courage. She just has to go or vanish into thin air. The distance to Onyankopon slowly increases and in an unnoticed minute on his part she disappears into the next best alley. Discouraged, she lets herself slide down the wall of the house. What am I doing here, dressed up like a doll? , she thinks. She looks into her likeness of a shard of mirror that has been carelessly thrown away. . . Mikasa crosses her arms and she hides her head behind them. Above her she hears the chirping of a sparrow jumping happily around on the gutter of the house and she is surprised that there are wild animals in a big city like London and thinks, what is a sparrow looking for alone in the middle of the late evening? But the thought quickly evaporates, just as the sparrow has disappeared again.

Onyankopon arrives at the shop with the luggage. Gabi greets Onyankopon beaming with joy and looks surprised at the large suitcase he is lugging around with him. She thinks her part and knowing that Onyankopon has been to Paradis, Gabi is happy: "Don't say now, you brought her with you?" She looks curiously behind Onyankopon's back, but doesn't see anyone. During that time, Falco and Levi have started to settle today's daily income and have not yet noticed the excitement.

Onyankopon looks behind him and is shocked to find that Mikasa is no longer with him. Crap!!! Is the only thing he can think of now. Beads of sweat form on his forehead, startled, "Gabi, help me to look for her, she can't be far," he says quietly to her. Levi looks skeptically at the huge suitcase at the cash register and just snorts: “ Oi! Onyankopon! Send your visit to a rented room. We are not a hotel here! " Levi sees Onyankopon walking down the street with Gabi. Levi thinks, What the fuck?

Meanwhile, Mikasa sits in hiding and hears his voice again after so many years. It is his wild puss again, but it is clearly his deep, dark voice. She comes out of the dark alley. Pull yourself together, Mikasa. It won't be that bad, otherwise you will take a room and then think about how to proceed. With this idea, however, it occurs to her that all the money and papers are in her large suitcase with Onyankopon. That can't be true, she thinks and holds her hand to her forehead in frustration.

Then she hears quick steps on the street and when she notices someone trying to hold her by the arm, without looking who it could be, she throws him to the ground without thinking. "Damn it, Mikasa!" Onyankopon curses in pain. “Onyankopon!” She cries out, startled, “I'm so sorry! I didn't want that! ”And helps him back on his feet. The others will be there when the noise occurs, now she has to face her fear and reality. Gabi is with them first, she sees them both. At the sight of Mikasa, she tears, "Mikasa!" She calls out with joy and storms her in her arms.

Meanwhile in the shop:

Levi looks at the big suitcase skeptically. In terms of size, it can only be a woman's suitcase. I swear to you Onyankopon. You have a few things to explain to me. Only without a word of your absence and then you come to the funnel to quarter your women acquaintances here, he thinks.

He drives to the front door and in the distance sees three figures in the darkness who are apparently involved in a fight, but cannot see anything with just one functioning eye. Except that one person skillfully knocked the attacker to the ground. He whistles appreciatively to those who know how to defend herself. He has to think about his brat again, how they worked together really well for the first time in the Reis family coup. Good old days are his nostalgic thoughts. Then he hears an animated murmur. He clearly hears what was said and her name. There are Onyankopon and Gabi and a second woman. He recognizes her stoic voice unmistakably. His eyes widen and begin to shine.

I'm dreaming, it can't be! , is his thought and he feels his emotions, which he has been suppressing for many years, come up. He immediately sets off and pushes himself outside to the small group of people. Always faster, faster ...

Mikasa frees herself from Gabi's stormy embrace and then looks frustrated at the damage she has done and helps Onyankopon to get up, "I'm so sorry, Onyankopon!" Why does something like this always has to happen to her. She wants to sink into the ground. Best to get out of here, you're not looking for anything here, right? She brushes her skirt smoothly, then she sees Gabis and Onyankopon's faces, Onyankopon smiles knowingly and Gabi is close to tears. Both reveal in their own way that someone has to stand behind her.

She hears his deep voice: "Mikasa ?!" She turns to him and sees the captain walking towards her on shaky legs. Levi is simply too proud to drive up in a wheelchair the first time they meet in so many years and tries to receive her standing up, which he only half succeeds because his sick leg fails halfway. Mikasa sees that he is about to fall and catches him before he hits the ground. He hugs her tightly and can't believe that his brat is with him again.

He feels that this type of touch is inappropriate because he is too close to her luscious bust. His body gives him clear signals that he knows from his youth and has never allowed himself to give in to this need. He feels disgusted at the thought, but at the same time he missed her closeness so much. Mikasa makes no move to push him away on the contrary. She also seems to have missed his closeness and is holding him for the moment.

"Come on Gabi. We should leave the two of them alone. They will be all right, "Mikasa hears Onyankopon say softly to Gabi and with that they both disappear.

Mikasa then carefully puts Levi back in the wheelchair. Levi looks her up and down. She has grown a little. With her longer hair that goes up to her shoulder, her appearance is significantly more feminine. She is a little uncomfortable standing in front of him in this elevator. He just stares at her dreamily.

“What?” She asks him uncertainly, “should I change my clothes. I know it's a little unusual ... "

" No! Stay like that! ", He searches for the right words," it is appropriate. "He caresses her cheek carefully," you have changed. "

She looks shyly to the side, "Thank you, Captain!"

Levi grunts offended that she is addressing him with his former title and had hoped that she would have understood the hint in the last three letters. Maybe she doesn't dare to speak to him directly either, "Levi," he says. Mikasa remembers the wording of his last letters and how he said goodbye to her , “Capt…. Levi ... I wasn't sure how to address you in my next letter ... "He carefully takes her hands and he notices how delicate they are, a slight smile suggests itself on his lips, " we have cleared that up with that. Let's go. The roads are not safe at this time. "

So Mikasa pushes her former superior back into the shop. In which Falco and Gabi are already waiting for them. Falco approaches Mikasa, not so sure how to greet her. Mikasa knows the feeling of letting new strangers into her circle. Especially since she will be the new one in the group. She offers her hand to Falco as a greeting and he gratefully accepts it, "We haven't seen you for a long time, Falco!"

She also notices how tall he has become and it reminds her of her own height. Falco towers only a few centimeters above her. “Watch out , Falco! She can throw you to the ground without further ado, "jokes Gabi.

Mikasa is inevitably reminded of the Onyankopon incident. Ashamed, she holds a strand of hair in front of her face. Falco notices that Mikasa is embarrassing, "Gabi, that wasn't necessary." Gabi notices Mikasa's behavior when Falco makes a comment. She takes her hand, “don't worry about Onyankopon, he's recovering. Besides, he could have said something instead of touching you and he knows that himself. By the way, that looked so cool the way you threw him on the floor! ", She looks at Mikasa with shining eyes and understands that her remark from the moment was not meant to be angry.

Levi speaks up: “Leave her alone. She has a long journey behind her, " he turns to Mikasa, " you know them both from before. Oh yes, if Gabi talks too much. Just tell her to be quiet. "

"Hey! That's not nice, Levi! ", Protests Gabi," but something important has to be clarified. "A big grin forms on her lips, " where are you going to stay tonight? "

Mikasa is considering simply staying here is not appropriate for her. She really should have planned everything better and discussed this with Onyankopon. “I think I'll get a room in the next hotel…” Levi interrupts her quickly, “You won't!” He immediately notices that his words are too direct and scratches his neck, embarrassed, “I have a guest room upstairs . You can live in it as long as you want. ”Please forever! he thinks embarrassed.

Mikasa smiles gratefully at him for his offer and remembers what Onyankopon said to her: " Can you deal with the fact that he doesn't want to let you go as soon as he knows about you?" And this answer is easy for her to meet, "I like to stay with you." Levi smiles at Mikasa and he had that smile a long time ago. Mikasa saw it only once and her heart leaps a little, for the fact that this smile only apparently applies to her this time.

“Oh my god, Falco! Do you see that? ”, Gabi and Falco also seem to be surprised. Mikasa and Levi look over at the two of them and before they say anything, Levi raises the floor: “You two, what are you standing around there? Look up in the guest room again to make sure everything is clean, bring the suitcase upwards and then get out of here! Oh yes, come an hour later tomorrow, for staying longer today. "

After Gabi and Falco have finished their last task of the day, they say goodbye to Levi and Mikasa. Gabi says quietly to Mikasa conspiratorially and winks at her: "And you should warm each other's bed, right?" Mikasa doesn't really know what to say because of her embarrassment.

"Oi! Now finally go and make a good baby at home !!! “, Levi snorts at Gabi to say goodbye. With that, both of them are caught and both of them wave at them.

Mikasa looks after both of them and a grin happens to her: "So the two are engaged?"

Levi pours her a cup of tea, "seems so," he mentions casually. Mikasa looks at him curiously: “What about you? Have you found someone? ”She notices that Levi is getting nervous about the subject,“ tch ”she only hears and he rolls over to the kitchen to hide his red face. He thinks, I found you. But he feels, it is too early to talk to her about it. He starts washing the dishes to distract himself a little.

Mikasa sighs that the conversation is going nowhere and sips the tea, which tastes like fine dried oranges and rose petals. She remembers, White Beauty! And Armin's remark about Levi wanting to see her again and apparently trying to tell her with this tea. She tries to remember the other type of tea, Lovely Herbs. She realizes that he tried to share these teas with her. She is sorry that she was so blind and tried to downplay everything. She feels so stupid for her behavior. She goes to him in the tea kitchen and decides to help him wash up by drying the dishes.

"You don't have to do that, you are the guest here," he looks at her. "I know, but I like to do it," is her answer and just wants to spend time with him, even if it's just doing the dishes .

Levi looks thoughtful: “How do you like the tea? Do you like it? "

“I love it !” She blurts out. Levi looks at her with wide, shining eyes. Mikasa takes a strand of hair and covers her embarrassment with it: "I like it, thank you!"

Levi shows a slight smile on his face, “ it should too. Come on ‘I'll take you to your room.” He accompanies her to the stairs and shows her the direction of his bedroom. “It's the first door. You come towards it directly after the stairs, ”he explains to her.

" What about you? “, She asks and thinks, come with me! “I still have something to do in my study and am trying out a new type of tea. I guess it's going to be a long night for me, " he replied.

She looks at him again urgently, “but don't take it too long. Do you hear? ”Levi nods calmly to her and then she walks slowly upstairs. “Mikasa!” He says. She turns around and looks at him questioningly, "yes?" He looks at her with eyes full of emotions, "It's nice that you are here!" Mikasa gets red cheeks, "I'm happy too, Levi," and she goes to her guest room.

#rivamika #levi x mikasa #levimika

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davy-zeppeli · 1 month

Text

So I don't own a diary so I'm writing my thoughts here because it's my blog, fuck you.

The past month has been absolutely hellish. I've changed teams at work, had immense pressure put on me following this due to other managers in my area feeling the need to hound and scrutinise my team's work, and then I broke up with my partner, essentially throwing away any and all financial and home security I had in my future.

I separated with my partner for my own independence and freedom, to put it bluntly. 4 years together showed me we were perfect for eachother - same music taste, sams interests, many great and fun adventures together - but after 4 years, little things built up. Not being able to take the bus without scrutiny. Not being able to buy things I want in the shop due to it 'wasting money'. Stopping drinking because he didn't like it. Not being able to stay over at a friend's house without giving him dates and times I'd be back, as well as who I'm staying with and where. One of our last discussions was him asking me if I still loved him, which I did and do - but he also asked me if I'd been seeing other people. I didn't know it at the time, but it was a level of insecurity and fear expressed by him that was the primary indicator that something wasn't right.

About a week or so later, I suggested I move out and we try being friends.

This was not easy. Jesus Christ, it was hard. He took it well, and I can say now after a few more weeks we've both made peace with it. We're still best friends. He always will be! But it feels good now knowing that we're classifying our relationship as what it always was - best friends who live together. I've been told on numerous occasions that we really did just seem like roommates who happen to be together, and it only took until now to see it. But, despite it all, I feel a lot happier following my decision.

I have a flat pretty much secured for May - he has a new flat mate lined up for after I leave. I have my freedom, and now it's a case of getting used to it.

Then comes my other crisis: Daniel.

So, I really hope he doesn't ever see this. He won't.

I've worked with Dan for over a year now - occasionally saying hello in the office after bonding at a work's party. Separate teams, never had much reason to interact past that. Until I moved teams - onto his team.

When I say this man has been a crucial anchor for me, I mean in wholeheartedly and with such sincerity that I can't put it into words in a way that would do it justice. He was the one who made me realise, yeah, my situation isn't great at the moment, is it? Yeah, I enjoy going out, don't I? Yeah, the anti-depressants aren't nuking my libido, are they? It's something else. He's one of the most chill, sarcastic, and real people I've met in a long time - and he's got his own trauma to show for it. We've made the joke we're similar - both in therapy, both play instruments, both love music, etc. But as such, we both know how to read eachother too well. And boy, he read me like a book.

After going to his open mic (with his family, might I add. I thought more people would be going, but no - it was me and his family) and one gig with him, I'd realised I like him. A lot. A painful amount, actually. Yes, getting over my failed relationship was definitely contributing to it, but I can say now as well, with the beauty of hindsight, I do still like him. If he asked, I would. If he does ask, I will. He's very important to me. I like him very much.

It then became evident he liked me back.

I won't sugar coat it - we've slept together. At this point in time, about 6 or 7 times. That's more than I did with my partner in 4 years. I should feel like dirt for my quick 'turnaround' but I just can't bring myself to care about it. I thought I was broken, man, and that the anti-depressants had fucked me. Evidently not. He's told me after several heart-to-hearts that he cares about me a lot and trusts me. And I've echoed the same sentiment to him in return. I've stayed at his flat, we commute to work, I've met his family for christ's sake. You'd expect this to lead to us being together.

It has not lead to us being together.

To put it bluntly - he's not looking for a relationship right now. He has his own baggage he's trying to handle from a freshly broken relationship and moving house, so I am understanding. Does it make it hurt any less? Nope. When he told me this, aware I felt different, he put a boundary in place to protect me. No intimacy, just friends. I knew it was for the best, I trusted him and respected his needs. We moved on.

Now, the week following that decision? Torture. I wanted to be near him all the time, but had to make sure I respected him and his limits. It was for the best, in the end, because he was right - I was infatuated with him given my circumstances. So I can say now I'm not as head over heels for him as I was. He said it best himself: "I treat you with a little bit of respect and decency and you think I'm Jesus. You're just not used to having more than one of your needs met at once". Does that mean I don't like him any more in that way?

Absolutely not - but I know that it's something he doesn't want, so I'll put it on the back burner indefinitely. I love him too much as a friend to risk losing him over something like this.

Then comes last night.

The boundary was in place. We went out following a particularly stressful work day. We drank, we listened to live music, we had fun! Near the end of the night, he asked me how I felt towards him. Unprompted, almost. So I answered honestly:

I like him. Can't deny I like him. But I'm able to see that it's not what he wants, and I'm fine with that. I respect his boundaries. It doesn't mean I'm not attracted to him. His reaponse?

He nods. He asks me how I'm getting home. I say I haven't planned it. He asks if I want to go back to his. I agree. Once most people have left the bar and we're two of the few people left, he kisses me. Good fucking god it was like being hit with a bat. I'd missed it. I missed him. Needless to say, we went home, played some Guitar Hero, and then slept together. Our situation is friends with benefits and I'm happy with that.

Now, why am I typing all of this out? Like I said, I have no diary. I haven't been able to articulate these thoughts for a month in a way that would cause significantly reduced collateral damage. My therapy has been cancelled the past two times. I needed somewhere to speak.

If for some reason someone has read all of this - thanks? Feel free to ask questions. I don't mind. It might help me figure stuff out.

Until the next time, adios.

#me #ramblings #long post #read more

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abeltownshipslittlebitch · 8 months

Note

Can I hear about some of your Tom/5 headcanons? It's my favourite rarepair 🥰

Yes yes yes yes yes!

Okay so like I have a lot of random things for Tom/5. Headcanons are under the cut.

TW: Mentions of torture from ZR canon events, mentions of scars, nightmares, brief mention of sex (nothing explicit), thoughts of murder (idk if that’s needed for this fandom but still), medication and mental health.

I think that’s it. Let me know if I missed anything.

My personal 5 is an amazing cook, so I always like to say that 5 makes Tom cookies or sweet bread or just anything when she (my 5 uses she/her pronouns but replace them with whichever you prefer) thinks Tom might need a little pick me up.

Seeing how it’s canon that 5 collects random stuff, Tom has definitely given 5 little trinkets he found while out on runs. Even before they got together.

While out for runs and choosing weapons, Five prefers an ax or a gun. Tom prefers knives.

Tom, 5 and Peter all meet up on nights they can’t sleep. Peter and Tom will probably smoke a stale cigarette. 5 probably drinks. (Those three are a bunch of besties and I will stand by it.)

I always hc Tom as either demisexual or graysexual so IF he and 5 ever have sex it’s not until a long time into their relationship. Also you can bet your ass it’s very sweet and soft.

Like Janine, Tom knows multiple languages. He has tried to teach 5 one of the many he knows (take your pick. I personally think he’s try to teach 5 French.) He doesn’t think they’re going that well/doesn’t think 5 is really interested in learning until he overhears her practicing vocabulary in the township library and the man just melts.

Because Tom is canonically on medication I say that if 5 also has to take medication (for my 5 it would be anti-depressants) he is the one that makes sure 5 remembers to take them.

The first gift 5 ever gave Tom (besides cookies) is a pair of very soft pajamas because Tom deserves some comfort and softness.

5 and Tom practice sparring and hand-to-hand combat. Tom wins 9/10 the man is a trained MI6 agent what did you expect.

During said practice, he’s the one who calls it quits first because 5 is horribly competitive and will literally keep demanding to go again even if she’s very tired or injured because she hates losing.

“If anything happens to them, I’ll kill everyone in this room and then myself.” Except that’s both of them in their relationship.

Tom knows a shit ton of classic literature so of course he’s recited it to 5 by heart.

5 hates the cold so Tom always brings an extra jacket just in case it’s needed.

Whenever Tom’s nightmares gets too bad because he’s dreaming about being back in prison in Algeria with those guards and he wakes up, too scared to go back to sleep, 5 will stay up with him and make up the random stories to help calm him down.

When it comes time for Tom’s birthday, 5 will literally risk it all to get him the nicest things possibly even if it means running into a store full of zombies. Tom deserves nice things and damn it 5 is going to make sure he gets them.

Someone made 5 cry once. Tom had to remind himself that even being the brother of the township’s leader wouldn’t keep him from being charged with murder. Even then he still thought about it.

Tom and 5 are both incredibly touch starved, so the cuddle sessions are immaculate.

Because of all the scars Tom has using his time in Algeria, he wears long sleeves constantly. Cue 5 always have water bottles to make sure he doesn’t get dehydrated and have a heatstroke during the summer.

Speaking of Tom scars, if someone says so much as a word about them to Tom, 5 will try to stab a bitch. Tom has had to drag 5 away from a fight more than once. Same goes for if anyone treats Tom differently because of his mental healthy issues.

Because of the height difference, Tom usually gives forehead kisses and 5 usually gives chin kisses.

Even with the height difference, they take turns on who is the big spoon and little spoon.

Neither of them have the same taste in music but they will listen to each other’s favorite songs because it’s their favorite songs and what kind of partner would they be if they didn’t know the lyrics to their partner’s favorite songs?

Tom’s favorite color is navy blue or forest green. So you can bet your ass 5 will give him trinkets she found that are in that color.

5 has a stuffed animal or something of that nature (for my 5 it’s a Winnie the Pooh plushy because childhood nostalgia) and when 5 is away for a mission longer than a day you can bet Tom will guard that thing with his life.

Overall they are very sweet and in love and they would die for each other and kill for each other if they needed to.

#zombies run #zr #zr ask #five/tom #runner five #runners five #Tom de luca #Tom de luca my beloved #I love this ship so much

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rpmemes-galore · 2 years

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the orville : season 1 ... sentence starters

“It's not bad, right?”

“That is unfortunate.“

“So, it's an anti-banana ray.“

“I do not recognize the species.“

“I am better than everyone else.“

“Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.“

“How's that not the first thing you ask?”

“I'd rather have brunch with my parents.“

“I don't need you to remind me of the rules.“

“I have seen you bleed. A god does not bleed.”

“I am feeling very self-conscious. May I leave?“

“And I'm sorry I said you suck. I didn't mean it.“

“I do not understand the reason for this conflict.“

“Translation: You want to make sure I'm not a jerk.“

“Well, yes. The humans. The hillbillies of the galaxy.“

“Those are words of great power. Who wrote them?“

“I believe you are confusing opinion with knowledge.“

“Then for God's sake, why don't you let us help you?“

“Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great.”

“I am very fond of drinking beer and passing out, yes.“

“Then how come I want to throw myself out the airlock?“

“Yeah, I don't... I don't know if that was ever on the table.“

“You know, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics.”

“My God, you guys look like unemployed backup dancers.“

“One more time. Who are you, and where are the others?“

"Between soul and sacrifice, beats the heart of civilization.“

“And I told you you're lying, because there is no such place.“

“I want you and I to be okay, but you are being a prideful ass.“

“With so many voices at once, how do you filter out the truth?”

“No, it's not a 'pass' kind of thing. Just give me your closest guess.“

“You think we could change the music? Something less depressing?“

“No, you mean you're not ready to give up control over these people.”

“But to derive mirth from the pain of another being is sadism, is it not?“

“Look, there's been a little misunderstanding. I'm not who you think I am.“

“Thank you for letting me see all of this. I just wish I could tell somebody.”

“They're kids. With their whole lives ahead of them. They're not my enemies.”

“To do as you say would shatter our entire way of life. This world is not ready.“

“Figured I'd introduce myself, since we're gonna be working full shifts together.”

“I got to say, watching your corpse drift away to this music would be so peaceful.“

“Generally, when someone's as smart as you are, they make productive use of it.“

“No, you are small and feeble, and you do not possess the necessary intelligence.“

“Is it possible that there's more to this universe than what we see? Yes, it's possible!“

“But what about everybody else? Everybody deserves a voice. That's what we're taught.“

“How would you do it? Just walk in and say, 'Hi, I'm from another planet. I'm here to fix you'?“

“I'm gonna ask you a few questions that one might find on any basic test of adult knowledge.“

“No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something.“

“No, no, he's just a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people.“

“So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right?“

“Well, last time I saw them, one of them was banging your mom, and the other one was high-fiving him.“

“You know what the most depressing part about this is? I allowed myself to care about you, and you used me.”

“It's a good rule in life never to apologize. The right kind of people never want apologies, and the wrong kind take advantage of them.“

#the orville quotes #rp meme #sentence starters

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newx-menfan · 11 months

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Storm #1 Review

*spoilers!*

The issue opens with Storm and the X-Men fighting the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

As Mystique and co are captured…we find out the whole thing was a stunt for some unknown customer and not about getting mutant files… (foreshadowing!!)

As Storm assessed how the team did, Ororo and Kitty get in a verbal spat… (this takes place before Piotr broke up with Kitty…but around Kitty’s freak out about Storm getting a Mohawk..but before “Love Story” with Forge…if any of that makes sense lol)

After the battle, the X-Men do what the X-men do best- chill at the beach.

While swimming (cheers for the iconic thought bubbles returning!!), Storm nearly drowns and questions her old status of “Goddess”.

Meanwhile some human named Jimmy (it always Jimmy’s…) goes on some anti-mutant rant at Kurt….while Kurt just ignores the whole thing to more or less put the moves on his girlfriend (The real reason people hate Kurt is because he will steal your girlfriend…)

Kitty and Rogue go off together after Kitty blows up at Storm for having a motorcycle (Kitty got mad at the weirdest shit back then honestly)…

Rogue seems hesitant to “corrupt” Kitty, knowing she’s still on thin ice with the team despite saving Logan in Japan awhile ago… (I weirdly love early heel turn Rogue, so this is a HUGE treat for me!)

Storm runs into a HOTTIE while out on her bike who’s apparently randomly and conveniently a climate change tech bro…(you GET IT Storm 😎 !)

Storm gets back to the mansion about the same time Kitty and Rogue do…

And….Kitty…walks in with cornrows and a tat (😬 pulling a “Vanilla Ice” there Kitty?? 😂🤣🤣)

Xavier lectures Kitty while Ororo goes out to see her tech bro again (Man Storm must like techies…also the guy must be like a 10 in bed if she’s going back to see him so SOON! 😂🤣🤣) and accidentally causes a hail storm (Storm blames dark thoughts…I blame being horny 😂🤣🤣🤣) and some rando appears that looks like Gollum and blames Storm for causing it (damn that’s just being PETTY) and fights her…

Storm questions if she is at fault while she drives him away from the civilians…

As Storm drags said rando in a tornado, there’s a backlash…causing her to fall from the sky!

Review:

The art is depressing horrid…like “New Mutants vol. 2” levels of horrid…(sorry not sorry)

How Kotian got on both CLAREMONT and NOCENTI books…I will never know!

It’s reminiscent of the old X-books…but in a good way! Seeing Colossus use Russian and his corny comment on it meaning “thug”…or many of the admittedly corny moments like Kitty saying she’s gonna make Colossus a “mixtape” or Storm talking about the “weather at her fingertips”…It just feels like the old X-Men. It just feels FUN again.

Rogue stands out the most- I didn’t realize how much I missed Southern stereotype skunkhead until reading this compared to “Rogue & Gambit”…

All the characters feel like “themselves”, which honestly makes this book a huge treat, even if the story is pretty “meh””.

In an era where characters feel interchangeable- it’s nice to see them be DEFINABLE and FLAWED again!

My only critique is- I would actually like Claremont and Nocenti to branch out a bit…

As fun as it is seeing them write “Gambit” or write “Storm” again…It also a choice that feels a bit safe.

I would like to see Claremont or Nocenti try taking a crack at some of the newer characters instead of just returning to previous eras, partially to see what they’d do and because I do think they need more of a challenge!

Still- this is a fun read, especially if you miss the old Claremont X-Men!

Predictions:

I mean OBVIOUSLY the rando is the tech bro, whose somehow messing with or stealing Storm’s powers. And the girl flirting with Kurt is in on it….

Rogue will say “hog” so many times that it will become a drinking game…

Kitty will start listening to rap music and Colossus’s mixtape will be Kitty’s new rap album 😐😂.

#Spoilers #Storm #Ororo Monroe #x men #Uncanny x men #Ann Nocenti #Marvel

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fishedeyelenz · 1 year

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He~ey *waving*

Hope it's not too much to ask a little bit about your, uh, headcanons on DILF!Billy? I'm very interested in how you see his psyche and condition changing as he gets older: Is he getting a little calmer? An opening? Maybe even a little more social?

How would his leisure time generally go with (Y/N)? Something, you know, casual? MAYBE WITH FLECKS OF ANGST! For, heh, yeah, we all know there are things *sigh* that don't change in this old boi...

Обнимаю 👉👈💕

Hello szívem it's not much at all I would love to talk about this man <333

Well, I'll keep my analysis of his psyche a bit short, as I will dive into it a bit more in my fic when i finally have time to write it but in short: yes he is so much more mellowed out. The wonders that therapy and the right kind of medication can do. That isn't to say he doesn't struggle everyday with violent, intrusive thoughts and occasionally delusions. But he is much more stable now, and can function better in society, though even by just looking at him one can sense that something is clearly wrong with him. He takes it all one day at a time though, the good and the bad. So in that way I guess i can say he kinda matured.

One thing that keeps him grounded is having someone/something to care for, so that's where his numerous cats come into play. He loves spoiling them, but at the same time they aren't so demanding as pets.

As for socializing he's still kinda anti social, but he does cope better in social situations. He can function in society. He doesn't like socializing, but like- he still has a job he must work at, he still has to go to the store, he still has to interact with people. But he lives a fair bit remotely from his local community, and he is kinda an outcast. It's a lonley existence actually. He dislikes people but he still craves contact. That's why he still does his phonecalls, to at least have the illusion of interaction, no matter how one sided it is. And to let out frustration, sexual or otherwise.

I also see him still having anxiety. And he might deal with episodes of depression more frequently than in his youth. Depends on the day.

As for how he likes to spends his time with Y/N well there's the obvious hahaha. He might be older but he will never stop being horny, and he's lucky enough that impotence seems to have spared him for now. But other than that h of course loves to cuddle. One of his favorite things is when his s/o drags their hands through his hair. Not only does it feel nice it's also a nice way to check if he started balding. Luckily for him, he still has a full head of hair :D

Other than that, he loves to whatch tv with his s/o, play cards (strip poker) and sometimes he likes to share a beer with them (he mellowed out and now can tolerate and partake in drinking. Still hates cigarettes though). Small things likes that, just like being in the same space with them.

When it's a good day for him, and both of them are free, they spend the whole morning in bed, then eat something and go out on a walk, and have dinner which they made together, maybe a round or two of poker, then to bed for a bit of fun.

#Dilf Billy Lenz #Asks #Sorry it took so long to reply #It has been a busier day than i expected

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hypnodesires · 1 year

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Be kind to one another PSA

This past year helping the love of my life confront his depression has been one of the hardest tasks I’ve ever faced, one night of us drinking so much his lips got loose and I’ve never heard him so upset..... talking about how he wanted to die, he didn’t see a point in living anymore, and much more, hearing him talk like that really sobered me up at that moment. Even after that night, he wouldn’t really talk to me about his pain, as much as I would check in on him or thought we were in a good moment…. Only for it to fade away so fast, at times it seemed for no reason. He would hold onto things he wanted to address to me, they always came off so forced?.... rushed?.... I don’t know if I’m even describing it well enough for you all, at times he seems to pick fights for no reason. The last one we got into I had enough and told him I don’t want an apology, I want him to go get help and see someone for his depression. I have also done the same this past week, he saw his doctor 2 weeks before me and has been on some anti-depressed… I too am on some as of this past Friday, it had really helped him with opening up and talking about his feeling more, which is good I hated seeing him hold it all in and eat away at him. I never thought this man would ever look at himself and even think he is not worth anything, that he is a failure, for not being further in life….. I couldn’t understand how he could feel or see that in himself, he still has those moments where he scares me….. He tells me to trust he won’t do anything foolish and I trust him with my whole heart, everything that I am, I trust him with my being…. Please don’t break my heart……

Things are much better for him, his libido has gone up for him like crazy, takes his time to talk to me more about his feeling instead of getting upset…... 7 years now together I never would have thought he would have kept those dark feelings to himself when people say check in on your loves ones I feel hopeless…. I was checking in but he refused to share with me, what if he never shared…. I don’t like to think about all the times he went silent on me… how many times has he come close without me knowing? I’m scared to know or even ask at this point, I don’t want to trigger him…. I’m doing what I can to fill his life with joy and love hoping it will heal him along his journey. Supporting anything that brings him joy, and seeing him happy has always filled me with so much warmth and joy; it was hard to see it fade away. I feel partly to blame for that though he has told me not to blame myself…. It’s kind of hard not to, I know he has forgiven me but I don’t know if I have forgiven myself for even knocking him down far enough that he feels the way he does. And with what happened this past week with Jason David Frank A.K.A (Tommy Oliver the green ranger) moments leading up to his death (suicide) he had been arguing with his wife, they were going through a divorce and in the midst of their second argument, he locked himself in his hotel room where he then hung himself in the restroom. I have followed that man's career for years and was hoping to meet him someday, you just never know what people are going through alone. he was always smiling, teaching children karate, going to con's.... and so much more. it's why I keep pushing my husband to connect, to talk, and to keep trying to heal. I want to know that he not giving me a fake smile, that he will tell me and reach out when he is near the edge.

Be kind to one another, and love one another…. We only have one life to live, let’s make it a beautiful one and heal one another. Remember if you need someone to talk to don’t be afraid to reach out for help, you are NEVER alone, and the amount of pain you will leave behind will hurt the people you love, the people you thought would be bothered by you.... they WILL be devested at the loss of someone they LOVED, shit send me an inbox message, I know what it's like the be in that darkness and I don't ever want to go back to that. so I will fight for others to never feel like that, I love you.

#suicide #depression #marriage #married life #tommy oliver #green ranger #love #hate #pain #loss #healing #jason david frank #trigger warning #relationship #communtiy

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roachinaglassjar · 1 year

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long asf tw un*living & abuse

Nothing clears the mind like a freshly lit Marlboro after an eight-hour shift at Bespoke Books and Archives. Maybe I’m the only person who can understand that. No one seems to understand anything that makes perfect sense to me, like my parents. My father doesn’t believe in the arts, and pottery isn't a real career apparently, but it's what I enjoy. I decided halfway through my senior year that I wouldn’t attend college and follow the perfectly curated path to law and riches my father had drawn out for me. Since I made that choice, I’m better off as nothing to him. My mother thinks I’m drowning my misery in vodka, but being drunk is the only thrill Loudoun county can offer. I didn’t get along with anyone while I was in school, so I don’t have any friends. Mitch lives down the street and he is cool I guess. When I vent to him he kinda just dozes off and nods his head when I finally stop talking. Hard to say he gets it. Mitch would be a lot cooler if he didn't have his nose shoved so far up his father’s ass. His father was the mayor, McKade Saulsberry. Such a power-hungry, douchebag, mayor name. He owned over 75% of the buildings in Loudoun County and could pull any string imaginable to get what he wants. When Mitch graduated high school he bought a house a couple of blocks from his childhood home, right down the street from me. Our fathers are friends so we were forced to be around each other growing up. Mitch wanted nothing more in life than to become the next mayor, start a perfect white picket fence family and settle in Virginia. At least that’s what he says. I’ve picked his brain a time or two, I’ll argue that he craves something deeper. So besides my parents and Mitch, who I don’t count, it’s just me. Minna Driscoll. If we were able to step inside each other’s bodies to say hello to the inner works of our insanity, who would you meet? If you stepped into me, you would be introduced to Della. I guess you could say that Della is my alter ego, but I think it’s a little more complicated than that. I like to say Della is the edgy side of me. She encourages bad decisions, chews up my anxiety, and spits it out like it's nothing. When I was about 3 or 4 I came up with Della, she was my imaginary friend. Back then, we would play together and she would always be there to comfort me when my parents would fight. When I would fall and scrape a knee, she would distract me from the pain. If I wanted to explore the reservoir, Della would be right behind me. At times when I felt most alone and scared, she would make me feel safe. My parents always thought it was kind of weird, but nothing too concerning. One night when my father got home from the bar, Della and I were playing with toy horses in the living room. He stumbled in, reeking of Jack Daniels and cigars. (I became familiar with these scents at a young age. I could tell the difference between vodka and whiskey at age 6. By age 8 I could tell if his drink of the night was Jack Daniels, Crown, or Jameson. I never knew if I was right, I wouldn't ask of course. For my entertainment, I decided I was.) When he became aware of not being the only person in the room, he slapped me across the face and said, “It’s time you stop this nonsense. She’s not real, you’re talking to a wall.” That’s when I started to keep Della in my head. She doesn’t take over. It’s like she is an outside observer that knows the depths of my mind, giving criticism when needed, and she understands the cigarette after-work thing. I can’t hide anything from her, and just when I think I have it all figured out, the bickering sound of her voice echoes, “Let’s do it this way instead.”

My mother worries about me because of what happened last year. I let the burning hatred towards myself take over. I listened to the devil on my shoulder as I swallowed the last of my anti-depressants. Now that devil on my shoulder isn’t Della. I shut her out that night. The devil on my shoulder is me, my voice inside my head that constantly reminds me of the failure I’ve become. I’m better now, I think. I struggle with navigating my emotions. Most of the time it’s just nothing, so why would I waste time figuring it out anyways?

I like to think of my walk home from work as my escape. I know that doesn’t make sense, but think about it this way. It’s usually later in the evening, the best part of the day. The stars are out, and not a car or person is in sight unless it’s the weekend. It’s quiet, you’re tired from working all day, but you’re done. So close to being home, where you’re allowed to do whatever you please. Unless you’re me, 21 and still living with your parents. I mean I live in an apartment on the property, but check-ins are non-negotiable after my incident. I take the last drag from my cigarette before I approach the driveway. I think about smoking another before I go in, but instead, I throw in a breath mint and spritz some perfume on my chest. Wasn’t feeling the, “Do you know what those things do to your body?” lecture tonight. I pick up the roundest stone from the gravel road and chuck it towards a tree in the distance. Right through the center of the tire swing. I still got it. It was my neighbor's tree and swing, They were an old couple with no kids, I never understood why they had it. Every time I walk home I throw a rock. If I make it through the swing, it will be a calm evening. If it doesn’t, well I’ll take my time to reach the doorsteps. I can’t remember when I determined this, I just kind of did it one day as a little girl and it became my thing. Most of the time it was accurate, so tonight would be calm.

I make my way up the same mundane path, our driveway was unnecessarily long. It was getting darker and I wish I put on a jacket this morning. Summer is over, I can’t drag it. The hair on the back of my neck raises, and a shudder comes over my body as I hear footsteps on the gravel behind me. Turn around, I hear Della’s voice in my head. No, I’m just being paranoid. It was probably an animal.

“By the way, nice throw,” an unfamiliar, gruff voice snickered.

I turn to see a feeble, unwashed man standing in front of me. Before I can even think, he grabs me by the back of my neck and shoves a stained cloth onto my mouth. His grip is strong and unforgiving. This can’t be happening. I feel myself growing weaker. The constant ringing in my ears fades to blank. With my balance unsteady, I give in. I’m powerless. Shit, this is happening. I should’ve smoked that other cigarette.

Open your eyes, Della’s calming voice causes me to snap into reality. I must’ve fallen when he tried to take me out. The back of my head throbbed, and my eyes tightened as I sat up. Where the hell am I and who was that man? I was in a small bedroom, decorated for a young child. Sitting on a bed against the wall, the mattress was bare. I searched my pockets for my belongings. No wallet, no phone, he even jacked my Marlboros. This has to be a dream. The rock made through the tire swing, tonight was supposed to be calm. There was a sink and toilet in the corner of the room. My stomach grumbled, It felt like it was caving inside itself. I wasn’t even hungry after work, how long was I knocked out? I tried to stand, I collapsed back onto the springy mattress. I imagined what a newborn calf felt like, trying to use its legs for the first time. With all the energy I had left in me, I gathered my strength and stood up. I need to get out of here. I walk up to the sink, it’s rusted and covered in what looks like dried toothpaste and muck. Water spits out in intervals for a few seconds and then it runs normally. I splash water onto my face. My throat is dry and tight, but the murky water rushing from the faucet smells too foul to taste. I look into the smudged, broken mirror in front of me. I don’t even recognize myself. My eyes are bloodshot, my pupils spilling into the iris. A pale, white mask has taken over my face. My cheekbones look close to breaking the skin. How long have I been in here?

The bedroom door is shut, and there’s no light besides a small lamp on the floor by the bed. It was a children's lamp, circus-themed with animals, popcorn, and balloons lining the shade. The thought of children and innocence makes me feel safe. There is nothing else in the room, the walls are red and yellow. With more circus-themed stickers pasted on every wall. I try to remember the face of the man who attacked me, I don’t know who he is. What does he want from me?

#writeblr #writing #creative writing #short story #insanity #write what you know #write for us #write the story #write that down #author #female writers #writers #girlblogging #alt girl #art #mystery #my story

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softsan · 2 years

Text

🖇Strawberry Kisses (felix)

MASTERLIST

WORD COUNT: 2.4k

GENRE: Enemies to lovers, Fluff, Suggestive, College AU,

DESCRIPTION: You were the kind of person that had their entire lives planned out. However, everything goes astray when your high school boyfriend breaks your heart a week before Valentine’s day, the holiday of love. He starts messing with Felix’s tumultuous girlfriend, which only causes further trouble. You and Felix had always butted heads, your personalities polar opposites to one another, but things unexpectedly change after one fateful encounter.

For @tenderfrailty’s ‘the leftovers’ Valentine’s Day’s collab. Please consider checking out the other talented writers taking part in this collab.

WARNINGS: Alcohol consumption, Implied one night stand, Violence,

OPTIONAL PLAYLIST: <3 by Vi, Happy anymore by Savannah Sgro, You heard me by Heather Sommer, Loverboy by KILLBOY, Obvious by Hwanhee,

You felt at a loss. You had never expected your boyfriend of four years to stab your heart as so, to leave you bleeding and confused on what had changed between the dynamics of him and you. You were in love, or so you thought. Until, he threw the 'It's not you, it's me" curveball.

According to him, because the two of you had been together since high school, he wasn't sure of his identity apart from you—he needed time to himself to regain the part of himself he thought he lost.

You had thought his explanation was valid enough. His decision to take a break was one you respected, but the one thing you had anticipated was stumbling onto him making out with Daeun on the soccer bleachers two days after the two of you agreed to take some time apart.

Not only had you not foreseen your boyfriend Eric's self-serving deception, but you were under the impression Daeun was still in a tumultuous relationship with your archenemies, Felix.

By no means were you and Daeun friends, she didn't owe anything to you, but you would have thought she'd have some level of class if not decency not to mess around with another guy at her boyfriend's soccer match—well, ex-boyfriend you guessed now.

It was plain and apparent how badly Felix took the news of Daeun's actions. An argument immediately erupted, Felix and Eric, getting into an altercation which ended with Eric being socked in the jaw.

You sighed as you stared at yourself in the mirror, the reflection of the Valentine's day gift you had prepared for Eric before the two of you had split, still lying at the foot of your bed.

You need to get it together, Y/N. You told yourself.

Wallowing over someone who clearly had no regard for how you felt would not benefit you in any way. The best you could do was try to move on and navigate without the person that had previously featured so heavily in your life.

"Are you ready?" Your roommate popped her head through your bedroom door. She was dressed with purpose, her low-cut, sleeveless mini dress accentuating her gorgeous figure.

"Just about," You added the final touch of powder to your cheeks before putting away the make-up you used to doll up your look.

"You're going to have a blast," Your roommate Alisha assured, "Maybe you'll find someone nice to forget about, you know who."

You gave a forced smile, appreciative of your roommate's attempts to cheer you up. She was taking you to an anti-Valentine's day event at a club off-campus where singles could drink and mingle despite the depressing holiday.

"I doubt it," You stood to your feet, nudging Alisha as you passed her, "But I'm glad to spend some time with you. It's been too long."

Eric and your roommate had never gotten along. They'd stayed cordial for the sake of their shared liking of you but otherwise avoided the other's company. Sadly, the quality time you had spent with Alisha had lessened over the past few months because of this. Something you wished you had realized sooner.

"I've missed you too." Alisha was pleased by your answer, roping her arm over her shoulders, "Come on, let's go and have a great time."

The music blared, the beat thumping through the floor as fluorescent lights beamed in all directions. Flashing colors of neon pinks and reds bounced from wall to wall as clubgoers downed their anti-Valentine's day inspired cocktails.

Felix sat by himself on one of the worn leather couchers in the club's corner, away from the dancing patrons. He was nursing a drink, glumly looking ahead without registering what was going on around him.

To say Felix was having a week from hell was an understatement. He and his on and off girlfriend Daeun had had a tempestuous split. One which had outplayed in the middle of the soccer field for all to see.

The sickening feeling returned to his stomach. He had caught Daeun messing with Eric, the one guy that should have been of limits.

Y/N must be absolutely devastated.

You and Felix bickered back and forth, a hostility that had begun after the two of you were paired together for an assignment during your first semester back in freshmen year. The two of you were polar opposites. Where you preferred to plan every detail to a tee, he liked to go with the flow work on what felt most natural.

You had accused him of being lazy, and he, in return, he called you uptight.

Despite the apparent combativeness, you share for one another. Felix knew deep down you weren't a bad person. In fact, the one aspect about you he respected was how much you cared for your boyfriend, Eric. How loyal and committed you remained in the face of all the college obstacles that came along.

Consequently, when Felix saw Daeun had been cheating on him with Eric, Felix lost it. He and Daeun had somewhat been on bad terms for most of their relationship. The fact she had cheated didn't come to much of a surprise to him, but things differed between you and Eric. Unlike Felix and Daeun, you and he seemingly shared a prosperous relationship without any ups or downs.

Felix knew you had loved Eric with every fiber of your being, and when you found out what had transpired, you'd be crushed. Felix closed his fist, his knuckles going white.

Had Felix been in Eric's shoes, Felix wouldn't have been so stupid to have taken someone like you for granted. That kind of loyalty, that kind of love—it wasn't easy to come by.

Felix dropped his gaze, studying the bruises that extended the length of his fingers. As a consequence of his actions, he'd been suspended from the field. He felt little remorse; punching Eric had been worth it.

Your thoughts were drowned out by the screams as the DJ changed the track. Alisha had stumbled into someone from her literature class and was now shaking it up on the dance floor. Not in the mood to be the third wheel, you headed to the back of the club, where fewer people resided.

You held a beer bottle between your fingers, searching for somewhere you could kick off your heels and tend to your blistered feet.

That's when you saw a dejected Felix, drinking his wears.

Just my luck. You grumbled to yourself. However, a part of you felt compelled to check up on him.

The Daeun ordeal must have taken a toll on him.

You wedged yourself on the cramped space left on the leather couches, waving your hands in front of Felix's face to break his trance.

"Y/N?" His brows furrowed in confusion.

"Are you okay?" You gently asked, "You don't look so good?"

Felix thought he saw what looked like concern on your face.

"I'm fine," He abruptly shut you down.

He expected you to come up with a tart retort, but instead, you remained silent.

Felix hesitantly peeked to have a look at you. His eyes softened. You didn't look too good yourself.

"I'm sorry about you and Eric." He finally broke his silence, expressing his sympathies.

Your mouth parted slightly, taken back.

Was it just you, or did Felix actually sound genuine?

"Same for you," You offered, void of your usual sarcasm, "I know you cared a lot for Daeun ."

Felix let out a bitter laugh, "Daeun and I were never going to last."

He had been suspicious this hadn't been the first time she had cheated, only the first she had felt so emboldened to do so in front of him,

"Forget about her," You advised, "You can do a lot better than Daeun,"

Felix felt his lips quirk, not used to your change in tone. "Didn't you once call me the most disciple person ever walk this planet?" He rested his elbow on the couch's armrest, leaning his chin in his hands while staring up at you. "That nobody could stand being in my company."

You held back a chuckle. You had said that.

"Maybe, I was a tad harsh." You admitted,

"A tad?"

"Okay, okay," You found yourself unintentionally smiling, "I take it back. You're not quite the worst person out there, and your company isn't the worst thing in the world."

Felix couldn't help but laugh. He somehow had found your stubbornness to admit yourself entirely wrong endearing.

"How about we call it a truce?"

You narrowed your eyes, playfully pretending to be suspicious, "So you can try and beat me at soccer again?"

Felix clapped his other hand against his knee, reminded how sourly you took to losing to him at an impromptu soccer game at a party the both of you attended. It consisted of mostly drunk frats in the front yard, you as the goalie, and Felix with the ball.

"I'm a striker on the college's soccer team," Felix gailed, "I don't need to play any tricks to beat you at soccer." His grin only grew wider.

You faked an objection without much conviction.

"Come on," Felix jollily pressed, "Let's call it a truce."

You opened your mouth, Felix cut you off, predicting your protest.

"Which means no more or arguing." He tapped his finger on his cheek, "No more name-calling too." He added for good measure.

You adorably pouted, "I think you've just eliminated all conversational options for us." You couldn't remember a conversation in which you and Felix hadn't argued or called each other childish names.

"Then let's make new ones," He suggested, "First of all," He raised his half-empty glass, "To moving on."

"Here here," You clicked your bottle against his glass.

Why did all of a sudden find Felix so attractive?

You yanked on his collar, his hands fiercely wrapped around your waist. The two of you kissed, your lips interlocked in a passionate exchange. His kisses had started off gentle, but the swipe of your tongue had awakened something inside of him. He mewled, deepening the kiss. You kept his pace, melting against his frame.

You didn't remember the last time you were kissed with so much yearning, with so much need.

Felix's back hit the door of your apartment, the both of you unwilling to break apart for you to unlock your door. You frustratedly fiddled with the keys until the click of the lock occurred.

Felix walked in reverse, his arms still looped around your hips. He felt a bed hit the back of his calves as he fell backward. You fell on top, your back arched as your hands rested on his cheeks. The intensity brewed, Felix's lips littering down your neck and across your collar bones.

Your eyes fluttered from the sensation, "Felix" A groan escaped your mouth.

You had never thought the one thing you would want was Felix.

Felix grinned against your skin. Hearing you say his name aloud brought him a mixture of pride and gratification. He returned to your mouth, rewarding you for the sound you'd made.

He wanted to hear you repeat his name. He wanted the only name you said to be his.

A mellow yellow hue drifted from the open curtains, tickling your face. You mumbled something incoherent before rolling to your side. Your face rested on something surprisingly comfortable, your hands spreading across its surface.

Felix subconsciously nuzzled the top of a head that rested on his chest. His legs tangled with yours.

"Y/N?" Alisha broked the peaceful atmosphere, "Are you in yet?"

Your eyes burst open, Felix's too. You stared at one another, realization hitting like a ton of bricks.

You quickly scooped up the crumpled bedsheets to cover your naked front, sitting upward, "I'm just sleeping off my hangover."

Felix opened his mouth to say something. You immediately covered his lips with your hands, begging him to keep quiet.

"I'm coming in." She tried rotating the doorknob, which was thankfully locked.

"Just wait a minute." You furiously ushered Felix off the bed.

"I haven't got any pants on." He quietly retorted, referring to how you had stolen all of the blankets.

"They must be on the ground," You hurried him, pushing his back so he'd stand up faster.

Felix slipped on his trousers, searching for his shirt, "Where’d you put my shirt?"

"What do you mean?"

"When you undressed me last night," Felix whispered in return.

Your ears were alight, your neck warming up, "I don't know. It must be somewhere near my desk."

To no avail, Felix couldn't find his shirt."

"Let me in, Y/N," Your roommate began to pound on the wooden door.

You crawled off the bed, spooning the bedsheets, so they remained over your front.

"You need to leave before she sees you?" You'd never hear the end of this if she did. You pointed to the opened window, "There is a bush underneath to break your fall."

Felix gave you a look of disbelief.

"Go," You urged.

"I'm half-naked," He maintained, "I can't walk around campus like this. I'll freeze."

A lightbulb went off in your head. You hastily bent beside by foot of your bed, searching for the red ribboned box. You rejoiced, seeing it had only fallen underneath. You undid the bow, pulling out a notepad with cutesy strawberries, a box of heart-shaped chocolates, and a red knitted sweater.

"Here," You extended your arm, presenting the sweater.

Felix held back his amusement, wiggling the woolen material overhead.

"You have a shirt now," You stood back up, placing the rest of the items on top of your mattress, "You can go,"

Felix unlocked the window, about to climb on the window sill. He paused, returning back to you.

"What is it?"

He bent down, giving you a kiss that lingered, his hands cupping your cheeks. "Make sure you call me?" He instructed.

You nodded breathlessly.

"Oh, and I'm taking these," Felix collected for the strawberry notepad and chocolates. The Valentines gifts you had originally bought for Eric.

"Felix!"

He stopped, turning back.

You pulled him down for another passioned kiss, the flutter in your chest spreading to your toes.

You had no idea how long this would last, but you had never been so content by something unplanned, something spontaneous and unrehearsed.

MONI’S NOTE: This is a little different for me but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. A little reminder that feedback, likes, reblogs a hugely appreciated. Thank you!

Networks: @ficscafe

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ah-ga-seven · 3 years

Text

No More Pain | Jung Jaehyun

Pairing: Jung Jaehyun x Fem!reader

Synopsis: The lingering wounds of your miscarriage have reopened. Now that you are broken up, an unforseen change in Jaehyun’s life has brought him back to your doorstep. Will he be able to fix you this time? Or will he fail just the same as before?

Genre: Angst, One Shot.

Warnings: mentions of the reader having a miscarriage, depression, alcohol addiction and heartbreak.

Word Count: 2.8k

A/N: Probably one of the heaviest angsts I’ve written. I know the subject is rough but the idea came from a dream so I just had to write it down.

This was a different kind of pang to your heart.

You’ve had your fair share of tragedies, heartbreaks and disappointments, but this…

This feeling was nothing like anything you’ve ever felt before and quite frankly, you wouldn’t wish this upon your greatest enemy.

It was a Thursday night, one like many where you decided to stay in and recharge from a busy day at your demanding job.

You were seated on your couch with a hot cup of tea as you mindlessly scrolled through your Instagram feed. Completely wrapped in the warmth of your favorite fleece blanket. But even the thick fluffy material couldn’t protect you from the cold shivers that ran down your spine.

You blankly stare at the post your best friend forwarded to you via dm and stiffened.

Memories of the night you miscarried 4 months into your pregnancy flood back to you as you stare at his comment.

You remembered how broken he looked when the doctor couldn’t find the baby's heartbeat anymore.

You remembered how he held you as you cried in his arms, promising that he’d love you just the same as he tried to console you to his best ability while suffering himself.

You remembered the pain and the relief of having Jaehyun by your side through it all. Glad that even though your life was about to change forever, he’d be the one constant thing you could rely on.

You remembered all of these moments like they happened yesterday, wishing future you could mentally prepare past you for what was going to be the hardest time in your life.

The man who swore never to leave you did just that, and not even 6 months into his new relationship, your biggest insecurity was made into a reality.

He had moved on for good, and even though you have no ill feelings towards him, you can’t help but feel anger over sadness right now.

It was that easy to replace you. And that easy for him to find someone that could give him what you couldn’t.

Even though your miscarriage wasn’t the direct cause of why he left, the effects of the incidence on your mental health dragged him down with you. So both of you felt it’d be better to part ways for the sake of not wanting to hate or resent each other in the end.

But God…you hated and resented him now more than ever.

It didn’t matter to you that both of you started to date new people, because a part of you always held on to the fact that you’d somehow find your way back to each other, though the probability of that ever happening again turned to ash.

Your miscarriage broke you.

No appetite for weeks, no motivation to get yourself out of bed and no cure for the monsters in your head who told you that Jaehyun was only sticking around out of pity for your broken state.

That same insecurity is what drove him into the arms of the women he told you not to worry about, and now they’re having a fucking child together.

Knowing that that should’ve been you was a thought that was just too much to bear right now. You suddenly feel sick to your stomach, tears prickling your eyes as you rub the spot on your belly where the mini bump used to be 8 months ago.

You were finally doing better, thriving in your job and social life. Meeting new people and dating a few loose ends here and there, but you can already feel yourself spiraling back into old depressional habits as you stare at the picture once more.

You pettily decide to like it, hoping it would spark interest from none other than your ex, and much to your surprise, it did.

Not even 20 minutes later your phone started to buzz on the counter as you poured yourself a glass of wine. You mindlessly retrieve it, expecting it to be your best friend but when you see his name as you take a sip you almost choke.

Is he serious?

You try to come up with what to say for the next 3 to 5 minutes but nothing in your head seems to translate your exact feelings to your fingertips.

You sigh in agony while leaning over on your kitchen counter with your phone still in your hands, reading his messages over and over again. You subconsciously start to bite your lip in deep thought, getting startled by your ringtone as your phone starts to ring in your grasp.

“Fuck,” you mumble to yourself, taking a big chug of the alcoholic beverage in front of you, putting on the bravest face and straightest posture to make yourself feel better before accepting the call.

You knew you didn’t have to answer, but you were dying to hear what he had to say under these circumstances.

“Y/N? Is that you?” His voice was unchanged. You didn’t know why, but you expected him to sound different, be different. Yet the same worry he’s always had for you was evident in his tone this time as well.

You clear your throat to avoid a voice crack and sigh. “Congratulations,” you tried to sound as genuine as you could, but you knew you sounded like shit.

You start to play with the ends of your hair out of anxious anticipation, waiting for him to respond on the other end of the line.

“I meant to tell you,” he starts. “I just…I didn’t know how and Chaeyoung suddenly uploaded the picture and-”

“Jae…please spare me the details,” you interrupt him. Saying his name like you used to felt like speaking a foreign language. He stayed quiet upon hearing your voice again and let out a frustrated sigh.

“Do you still live in the same apartment in Itaewon?” he suddenly asks, immediately alerting you to stand up straight because he could only be asking for one reason and one reason only.

“Y-yes.”

“Good, I’m on my way.”

Just like that, he hung up and just like that your heart rate starts to race uncontrollably.

You down the remnants of your wine glass and hope he’s isn��t too close because your place looked far from neat. For the next 15 minutes, you run around, shoving things into random cabinets. Whether those items belonged there or not was the least of your concern and just as you fluff the last pillow on your couch, your doorbell rings.

You take a deep breath, calming your nerves as you walk up to your front door, taking it off the lock before you open it with a dramatic swing.

There he was. Jung Jaehyun.

As beautiful and put together as he always looked, no matter the circumstance. You forget how to breathe when you lay eyes on him and gulp. It’s actually him.

His big dark orbs widened as he laid eyes on you after months of not seeing you. His facial expression softened, slowly parting his lips to speak but you beat him to it when you broke out of your trance.

“What are you doing here?” your shoulders fall as you look into his eyes for answers. The same eyes that once looked at you with so much love and adoration, but right now his pupils were stressfully darting back and forth, trying to read you like he used to be able to but he had no idea what you were feeling right now.

“Because I feel like shit y/n. Please let me in and let me explain,” he pleaded with a defeated tone.

You scoff, rolling your eyes. “What is there to explain? You knocked up your girlfriend and finally got what you wanted. Why bother coming here? To rub it into my face?”

Your plan of staying calm and collected went completely out the window just now and you could tell by the shock on his face that he did not expect you to be angry with him.

He took a step forward, backing you into your own hallway. His height towered over you when you stepped back and without looking back he closed the door behind him.

“Y/n. I would never purposely do that to you. Ever.” You ignore his statement, narrowing your eyes at him.

“I don’t remember inviting you in Jaehyun. Does she even know you’re here?”

You hold your ground, crossing your arms over your chest as you wait for him to counter your attack, but he simply shook his head. Knowing damn well that you’re acting tough just so you won’t get emotional.

As he’s scanning the premises, his eyes linger on the red wine bottle on your kitchen counter and with a look of utter disbelief, he averts his attention back on you.

“You’re drinking again?” he asks with an almost condescending tone.

“Did you come here to practice your parenting skills because no thanks Jae, please leave,” you bite back as coldly as you could, but he wasn’t having it.

“That shit almost killed you and you’re just casually drinking again?” He runs his hand through his locks out of pure frustration, not knowing what to do with the misplaced feeling of still caring for you just the same, while also knowing he has no business to tell you how to live your life.

The truth is, Jaehyun had no idea what he was doing here. Everything about the situation felt wrong and he couldn’t lie to himself any longer. Ever since Chaeyoung told him she was pregnant; he couldn’t be fully happy about it. He couldn’t commit to fatherhood knowing how much it broke your relationship. How much it broke the women he loved most to this day.

“A little red wine didn’t hurt anyone,” you mumble under your breath and that comment alone send Jaehyun’s emotions into overdrive, unable to hide his disappointment and worry for you any longer.

“IT HURT YOU Y/N. DAMN IT!” He raised his voice at you as he roughly grabbed your arm to make you look at him, which is the last thing you expected. He wasn’t mad at you. He was mad at himself. Mad at the fact that he wasn’t there when you needed him most and mad at the fact that this is what your lives had come to.

You might have previously dealt with your pain by drinking, and you might have mindlessly mixed your anti-depressants with your drink once, which…just might have earned you a trip to the hospital, but that was your lowest low and you made sure it’d never happen again.

You beat your demons by yourself when he had already moved on, so he had no place to waltz back into your life when he felt like it, just to judge you.

You’re absolutely fuming by now because of that same reason and much to your dismay you feel new tears well up in your eyes.

“NO, YOU HURT ME!” you yell back at him as you smack his chest, the salty droplets streaming down your face as you kept hitting his chest to make him feel your pain. “YOU LEFT ME.”

Your knees got weak and you knew you looked absolutely pathetic as you crouched down in front of him. Shock took over his features as he got down on his own knees just as quickly, pulling you into the comfort of his arms. The warmth that you used to call home and the warmth that always seemed to calm you down engulfed you completely, a feeling your favorite fleece blanket from before could hardly imitate.

He patted your head with assuring strokes, whispering sweet nothings to you as he held you on the floor of your apartment. Letting you sob the pain away in his black shirt. “Shhh, it’s okay…” he kissed the top of your head, caressing your cheek as he wiped away your tears.

You calmed down slowly, ignoring the suffocating ache in your head and heart while he made you feel safe and sound like he always did. You sat there like that for God knows how long, letting your minds go into overdrive as silence comforted the both of you.

Ironically enough, this scenery was the exact same as the one in the hospital 8 months ago. You cried in his arms just like this when you had lost your child, but now you were crying because you had lost him. For good now.

“I would never purposely plan to have a baby this quickly y/n, you have to believe me. Chae was on birth control but it just…happened,” he whispers, finally breaking the agonizing silence.

You stay quiet, closing your eyes to the sound of his low voice, letting his words register. “I was going to tell you. I was planning to ask you out for a coffee but as soon as she passed her first trimester, she was just so excited and made the announcement…it was just bad timing.”

“All of this is bad timing,” you mumble, which made him nod in agreement. He sighed into your hair as he continued to explain. “Y/n, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care for you anymore. I wish things were different, but they simply aren’t and I’m sorry.”

You sniff, dabbing your tears and your nose with the sleeves of your blouse before looking up at him through your lashes.

“You don’t have to apologize for moving on and being happy Jaehyun. It’s all I ever wanted for you.” You wipe the single tear that remained on the corner of his eye, not having realized that he shed a few tears himself too.

He leaned into your touch as he looked into your eyes before closing them, leaning his forehead onto yours while taking a deep breath.

“I just want you to be ok.” He says suppressing a sob. “I can’t live this picture-perfect life knowing that you’re in pain y/n. It makes no sense; you deserve so much more it’s not fair.”

Your lip starts to quiver as his words hit you, and you build up the courage to look at him again.

He stared at you longingly and lovingly for the first time since forever and you knew a mistake was about to be made when he inched his face closer to you, but it was too late.

His lips made contact with yours and you completely gave in. Letting him lead you into a slow yet passionate kiss that took both of your breaths away. Before things could get more heated, you realize what was happening and froze.

You take a hold of his wrists as you pull away, your eyes staring into his equally electrified ones as you recompose yourselves.

“I-I’m sorry,” he started. “I should’ve never confused you like that. Fuck. What the fuck am I doing.” He covers his mouth as he got up. Frustrated with his own behavior, he digs his fingernails into the palms of his hands to suppress the urge to swing at your door or any other object in sight for that matter.

You get up just as quickly as well. Straightening out your clothes before shaking off the nerves of what just happened.

You take a deep breath followed by a shaky exhale as you opened your front door, turning around on your heels to look at an equally distressed Jaehyun.

He was about to speak; about to confess that he still loved you, but you stopped him by raising your hand, motioning for him to keep whatever he was about to say to himself.

Your eyes find his own and you take one last glance at the man that was supposed to be the pillar to your family. The man you used to call yours, and the man that you had hoped to still have a future with, despite everything.

But you knew better.

You knew what was right and you knew what you had to do before things would start to spiral out of control again.

You stepped aside so he could pass by you, trying to avoid eye contact all while you could still feel his burning stare lingering on your fragile state.

You swallow harshly, licking your lips before you spoke as clearly and steadily as you could.

“For the sake of your family, please leave Jae…and never come back.”

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