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harry-styles-obsessed · 1 month

Text

All yours

Tw's: mention of depression, and thoughts of self harm- (based on Harry's song- Matilda) if you're uncomfortable/ sensitive with any of those things please do not read on. (I am not sure whether I posted this or not but I found it in my drafts so… I’m guessing I didn’t. Either way enjoy!)

©️please do not copy or translate my work

You were never okay. Not really. You were exhausted constantly. You had been to countless doctors all telling you the same thing "we don't want you to go on the pill for your emotions- you're too young. It won't have any benefits to you." It was continuous and it was a massive pain in the ass. It wasn't fair. It was in fact incredibly unfair. But again you were struggling, you wanted nothing more than to feel free and happy.

No one really noticed, everyone asked whether you were okay and when you'd lie they wouldn't even ask again... but you always shrugged it off assuring yourself that it just proved how good of a liar you were but deep down you had a horrid feeling. A horrible one... that no one cared.

Everything you said and did was a cry for help practically and no one really seemed to realise that or well... no one you'd think of.

It was a mass of events that lead to your emotional problems, a lot of things. People told you to let it go but you simply couldn't. You couldn't escape the way the depressive side of you held you captive. You felt dead inside. Literally. You had given up hope.

Harry was a close friend of yours but you rarely saw him due to him being on tour constantly, but you were proud of him. He was doing amazing. But that didn't mean you didn't miss him. You missed him so much. You were however always afraid to see him because however much you didn't want to admit it he could see right through your "happy" facade. He wasn't dumb and neither were you. You knew you could talk to him but you still didn't want to bother him whilst he had fun.

"Y/n!" Your mum shouted up the stairs to you and you put your phone down on the bedside table before getting up "coming!"

You made your way downstairs and practically froze, your eyes widening, your heart pounding. He wasn't supposed to be home for a year! "Harry?" You cried out ecstatically throwing yourself into his arms holding onto him tightly, the slight height difference between the both of you forcing you to stand on your tippy toes to hold onto him tightly, his arms which remained wrapped around your waist lifted you up as you held onto him tight not daring to let go of him, squeezing your eyes shut as you simply smiled. You had your best friend back. This was the happiest you had been in forever.

"I've got you" he whispered with a warm smile as he rocked you back and forth in his embrace, his arms which remained around you tightened ever so slightly to make sure you knew he was right there and wasn't going anywhere "she's missed you" your mum informed him into which he beamed happily "I missed her more." He murmured but you barely listened too preoccupied with the fact that you were in his arms once again. And you were safe. Little sniffles were the only sound that was heard from you and with every little cry Harry seemingly tightened his grip on you, supporting you further, he didn't dare let go of you as he pressed little kisses to your temple. "Feel free to take her upstairs and spend some quality time together yeah?"

Harry must've nodded as before you knew it he had lifted you up into his arms and was carrying you up the stairs. He was with you and you were with him. That's all that mattered now.

"So how are you?" He asked sitting on the centre of your bed as he held your hands in his, he knew you liked physical contact as it assured you so he kept a hold of your hands "I'm okay but I'm better now that you're here" you said with a soft smile and he tilted his head to the side ever so slightly "c'mon. I know you y/n..." he said and you looked into his eyes before sighing softly "I guess i haven't been too good" you said and he frowned slightly "mentally?" He asked and you nodded once again "yeah, doctors said they'd prescribe me with pills but never did saying I was too young" you murmured and he frowned before scoffing "they always say that. It's silly." He sighed before giving your hands a squeeze "tell me, what have you been feeling? Upset? Angry? Anxious?" He put out a small list and you exhaled "honestly a muddle of all those things" you admitted, his eyes softening as he sighed "oh darling" he whispered before pulling you into his arms so you were flailed out onto his chest his arms securing around you "it's okay to not be okay you know that right?" He asked and you nodded slightly "I know but...." You hesitated and he hummed assuring you to continue "you're the only thing and person that makes me okay..." you admitted looking into his eyes as he searched your face for anything as he sighed gently "oh y/n." He softly spoke his fingertips lightly trailing against your cheek. After a few moments he pulled back "do you want to hear one of my unreleased songs? It'll cheer you up?" He suggested and you smiled nodding "yes I'd love to" you murmured sitting back watching as he got his phone out and after a few moments he looked at you smiling "okay ready? This one's calling Matilda"

As you listened to the song your heart started pounding harder, your breathing becoming slightly unsteady along with the tears starting to form in your eyes. The song resonated with you and you resonated with it... it hurt your heart... you were able to relate to it so very much.

As you tried to subtly wipe away a tear Harry gently wrapped his arm around you pulling you into his embrace "you can let it go" he whispered into your ear as the melodic music continued to play, soothing you almost. As the song came to a stop you looked into his eyes "it's beautiful" you said and he smiled "thank you... want to know where I got the idea to write this song from?" He asked and you looked into his eyes "the actual Matilda movie?" You asked and he let out a gentle chuckle "nope... it's about a beautiful girl who doesn't realise how amazing she is" he said as you nodded listening to him "so all the fans then?" You suggested again and he smiled before shaking his head "no.... Okay want a clue?"

You nodded slightly and he hummed, thinking, before smiling "the girl I wrote the song about... well... her name is y/n and I'm looking right at her" he said making your stomach flutter with butterflies. This song was about you? Impossible... no way.

"I know how much you struggle... so I decided whilst on tour why not put together a song that you and everyone else could resonate with" he said softly and you quickly lurched into his arms wrapping your limbs around him tightly not daring to let go of him "thank you...." You whispered and he shook his head "just doing what a friend does." He said quietly laying back as he pulled you closer to him and you didn't dare let go of him

The next few days were good... great! But it was nearing the time Harry had to go back to tour again and as selfish as it sounded you didn't want him to go.

"Is there anything that you fear?" He suddenly asked out of the blue and you looked into his eyes "um, kinda... mainly worried about life.... Friends.... Not being able to see you for weeks, months, years" you admitted with a shrug and he nodded smiling at you "what if you didn't have to fear that last one?" He asked and you furrowed your brows "what?"

A mischievous grin tugged at his lips as he suddenly pulled a suitcase from beside him "your mum packed all your things..... you're coming on tour with me!" He said as you looked at your mum for confirmation as she simply nodded smiling and you let out a shriek of happiness before rushing to him wrapping your arms around him tightly "we can catch up on all the time we lost together, yeah?" He suggested and you nodded your head "I'd love that...." You said and he smiled happily

"Oh,"

You looked at him waiting for him to continue

"And one last thing" he said and you nodded about to say something but before you could he cut you off by pressing his lips to yours in a gentle but passionate kiss as you held onto him tighter, before he slowly pulled away grinning...

"I am all yours"

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robin-the-enby · 3 months

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Hi! Can I get an angst/comfort fic of Arthur with a female s/o who is depressed and suicidal? Like he walks in on his s/o c*tting while having a mental breakdown? Or he just notices the cuts/scars? Or he walks in on his s/o bl33ding out?? Idk you can get creative with it I’ve just been having an extremely rough couple months. If this makes you uncomfortable then you can just ignore this request, but thanks anyways! I hope you have a great day/night!! <3

It's my problem if I feel the need to hide

Pairing: Arthur x f!reader

Summary: You feel under the weather, but decide not to tell anyone. As your condition only worsens, your friends start to worry about you. It's when you decide to let everything go your knight with blue eyes and a cheeky smile comes to the rescue.

Warnings: depression, suicidal ideation, not being able to care for oneself (containing lack of hygiene and proper meals), mentions of vomit(ing) (3), negative self talk, dark thoughts

A/N: I am so sorry for the delay of this fic, I hope it will be of use to you still. I haven't written for this fandom in a long while, so getting back to it was a little hard, though I enjoyed it none the less. I tried not to use any (Y/N)s and make it as racially neutral as possible, as well as appearance-neutral (Arthur carries reader 1 time, but he's stronger than a regular human, and y'all deserve it ladies, no matter your size). If anyone wants to talk about anything at all, my dms are open, as well as my ask box. Take care of yourselves and stay safe!

The human mind is possibly nature's greatest invention. The complexity with which all its components interact to keep the body functioning is nothing short of phenomenal. And not only that, but it is aware of itself, encasing its own conscience inside a safe vessel, built and evolved specifically to protect it. And as time progressed, and all the basic needs of the body were cared for, there came a need to create. The body could easily be fed, but the conscience needed a different type of sustenance.

The human mind is capable of incredible things. It can set goals for itself as well as achieve them. It shaped the entire world to its liking, for better or for worse. The human mind is the reason why we live the lives we do today. It is the thing that keeps us alive and sane.

It's funny how drastically that can change.

If you'd ask any of the men residing in the mansion on who the worst enemy of humans is, you're sure all of them would at least mention the human conscience, if not directly choose it. After all, their lives have been woven through with the thread of sorrow, the perpetrator being none other than the human mind- theirs or someone else's.

At this point, you feel like you've at least got a peek at the complex inner worlds of history's greatest minds. Some you knew better than others, but you've been le Comte's servant for long enough to consider all the mansion's residents at least friends.

It was evident to anyone who has been in the mansion for at least a month that all of the people (and vampires) residing in it had some sort of baggage, wearing them down even in their second undead life. Some were better at hiding it than others, some just felt more comfortable keeping their troubles to themselves, while others' emotions and traumas were sometimes too great, too overwhelming to be kept locked inside their bodies.

You've tried your best to help those who needed it, both physically and mentally. It helped a few to open up to you at least a little and as time went on, with your hard work, you've earned respect for yourself even amongst the toughest nuts in the mansion. Poking through others' personal affairs and traumas carried along numerous fights as well as apologies and in the end just served to strengthen the bond between you and the residents. And yet, at times like these...you couldn' help but feel alone.

Like all the others, you had to shoulder the burden of traumas, insecurities and unpleasant experiences collected unwillingly throughout your life. You suspected the others knew of this, or at least had a hunch that you, like all of them, haven't had the pleasure of living a carefree life.

They saw you as an independent, strong and courageous woman, resilient and kind in any situation. And if you were in the right state of mind, you would agree. But lately, you began to doubt these traits of yours, the ones you valued so much and were valued for.

You weren't a stranger to struggling and you knew that anyone in need of help deserved to receive it and should not be scared to ask for it.

So why did the thought of asking for help make your stomach churn?

You've been pondering that question for a few days now. Lately, your entire reality seemed to have shifted. At first, you didn't think anything was wrong, a simple bad day, or a bad week wasn't anything to be too worried about. Nothing a nice, relaxing weekend couldn't fix, right? And yet, when you had tasks to complete, you felt agitated and annoyed, but when you had nothing to do, you were antsy and restless. Always feeling like something should be happening, like you should be doing something. For some reason, you couldn't make yourself to do the things you felt you should be doing.

Soon everything has become a bother. Tasks you could usually do with one hand were suddenly so hard that by the end of the day, the thought of bathing or changing into clean clothes made you want to scream until your throat was sore. And so you chipped away at your routine that you so painstainkingly built when you appeared in this time, until the only remaining activities in your days were your work and some basic necessities.

You knew it was getting bad. And it constantly created an almost numbing whirlwind of emotions you really didn't need right now. Why was this happening? What brought it on? Why now?? Is it going to get worse? All these questions and none you had an answer to. You had guesses and various techniques you learnt here and there back in your time, but...you couldn't bring yourself to do anything.

You were trapped. At least it felt like it. Trapped inside yourself, inside your mind. You knew you should tell someone, that if you let it go on, it would sooner or later consume you. But you couldn't do anything. It was as if your body didn't listen to you.

It seemed the residents were starting to get suspicious of your strange mood as of late. There were times when one of them would approach you and carefully ask about your wellbeing, and as much as you wanted to say something, you never did. You logically knew that the first step would be the one to break through the loop, the one that would make all the others just a little bit easier until you felt normal again. But anytime you tried to break through the selfdestructive habits you had fallen into, a wave of such tirednes, nausea and shame overcame you, that you simply caved to your mind's twisted whispers.

You concluded that your best option at this moment was to lay low and let it pass. Your days have become a steady routine of wake up, work, go to bed. And repeat. It was manageable, at first, even with the onslaught of thoughts your mind was conjuring, managing to come up with more and more ways to taunt you with. But as days and then weeks passed, your energy slowly seeped away from your body and it retaliated by shutting off and out anything unnecessary to save as much of what was remaining.

These things included mostly socialising. You became less talkative, while you would usually enthusiastically engage in conversations, if not outright start them, lately you would not speak unles directly spoken to. It has taken a toll on your concentration as well. Many times when someone would try to strike up a conversation with you, they'd have to repeat their question or even call out your name mid-conversation, because mentally you just weren't there. These things not only started to worry Sebastian, your biggest constant in your new life, given that you worked alongside him every day, but also the other residents. You knew of this, as out of it as you might have seemed and/or have been these past few weeks, you knew that they noticed, because you knew them. But what started as a simple snowball had alrady turned into an avalanche and you had to admit that you were no longer in control.

Not that you really cared. You knew you should care, should be trying harder than ever to break out of this spell, but you couldn't. And every time you might have felt strong enough to confess how you were feeling, to lean on someone, to get the help you knew you needed, a sudden pang of fear pierced your chest and you shrivelled back, back into your own small shell that was your skull.

Trying to find a reason for this foolish anxiety proved not so easy, when your mind would make up about five reasons why you should keep your mouth shut every time you even dared to ask yourself such a question.

What if they didn't believe you?

What if it wasn't not that bad?

What if you were just making it up? Making it seem bigger than it is?

These people have gone through so much. They've seen war, witnessed and felt abuse and probably had been through things you couldn't even imagine. Why should they help you, when they're the ones who needed help?

You were not worthy.

Such comparisons were something you chastised anyone who would confess experiencing them for. And yet, when it came to you, it felt like a holy truth. Something that could not and should not be questioned. Because you don't want to be selfish, do you?

You've dealt with this by yourself before, surely you could do it again and not drag down others with you. These and many others became your daily mantras. Lay low, hide, be small, don't make a noise. Survive. But was that really how you wanted to live? If you could even call that a living. You were surviving, yes, but at what cost? For a promise of a period of time where you wouldn't feel like the world is made out of cardboard? A period of time where you wouldn't feel like screaming and crying every second of every day? And how long would that last? A few months, a year maybe? Was it really worth the struggle?

You blinked yourself out of your thoughts when someone vigorously snapped in front of your eyes. Looking around in slight daze, your eyes fall upon a smiling face. "There you are! Theo says he's just waiting for you to walk face first into a wall!" Arthur says cheerily, showing you his signature smirk. "I, like the good friend I am, keep defending you of course. But it's hard when your mind seems to get further and further away from us every day. At this rate, you'll wander off into Seine soon. And we wouldn't want that, would we?" he playfully jabbed at you.

You could feel yourself shaking your head, but the only thing you could focus on was how nice it acually seemed, the cold water seeping through clothes and circling your limbs, the undercurrents keeping you down, where nothing could get you, laying you down onto the riverbed, weighed by the water in your lungs... "So, what's going on in that noggin of yours, hm?"

Arthur was, besides Sebastian, the closest person to you out of all the others. You enjoyed his easygoing demeanor and his jokes never failed to make you laugh. He was a terrible flirt though, and someties could be pretty pushy with his advances as you've realised over the time you two spent together. Luckilly, after a firm conversation backed up by Theo, he had calmed down significantly towards you. The writer still heavily complimented you, always putting that silver tongue of his to use, but you thought nothing of it. He was like that with everyone, even some of the other residents, so the possibility of it ever meaning anything more than banter or a simple compliment never even crossed your mind.

"You're doing it again." the man in question sighed. You blinked at him with confusion. As if reading your thoughts, Arthur clarified "You're in your head again. It must be something really interesting in there to make you so distracted." he joked again, but his expression turned serious "But honestly, what's going on? You haven't been yourself for quite a while now and everyone's getting worried. Even Wolf asked me if I knew what was up with you the other day!" the writer looked at you intently "You know that we're here for you, right? Even if you feel like it's stupid, if you need anything, you can tell us."

You averted your eyes from Arthur' piercing gaze. You knew his words were sincere and it made your chest squeeze uncomfortably. Looking straight ahead, in the direction which you were going, you answered, trying to make your voice as leveled as you could "Thank you for worrying Arthur, but I'm alright, really. I've been thinking of asking le Comte for a break. It would be nice to have some off time." This wasn't a complete lie, since having some down time, where you could pretend time has stopped really did sound appealing, but now you'd have to actually go and ask the good count, which you really didn't want to. Not because you were worried you wouldn't be given a break, but because it was another plan to be made and you barely had enough energy to last you until the end of the day, much less go somewhere out of your own volition.

Arthur knew that you were lying, or at least not telling him everything, so he grinned at you again and spoke confidently "Alright, love, the game is on! I gave you a chance to explain youself, but it seems I'll have to solve this mystery myself." he winked at you and you expected him to take his leave. But Arthur softly grabbed your arm and stopped you in the middle of the halway you were in. Turning to face him in his hold you looked at him questioningly. His smile is much softer now, and if you could focus properly, you would see worry glinting in his eyes "If you ever change your mind, you can stop by. Day, night, doen't matter. We're here for you, love. I'm here for you. Just as much as you're here for us." and as soon as he finished speakig, he was gone. Down the hallway, in the direction of his room. You quietly turned around, trying to process the strange encounter while you went your way.

Your mind was surprisingly quiet for a few hours after that.

You eventually did end up in le Comte's study. Nerves were wracking your body and mind the entire day and when you finally did enter the dreaded room, after all your chores were done for the day, you felt like you would start crying at any moment. For some reason, you felt awful for doing this. You didn't need the break. You didn't need off time to get better physically or because you had too many chores. Why did you want a break, besides Arthur catching on that there was, indeed, something wrong? The only thing you had planned for this break of yours was rotting away in your bed and doing as little as humanely possible. Maybe fate would be so kind and take you away in your sleep. Let you wither away like an overwatered flower.

You tried to make the discussion as quick as possible. Fortunately, the count didn't ask too many questions about your wellbeing and the reason for taking a break, remembering well that you haven't had one in a good while. He did ask if you consulted Sebas about it and you forced down a shudder at the mention of your good friend's name. Not because the butler was opposed to you taking a break, he actually kindly insisted you take one, revealing that he also noticed your mental absence in the past weeks, which could be almost counted as a month now. The worry and confusion in his tone as well as his expression made you wish he told you to stay, to help him, anything to try and convince you to not do what you were about to.

Why were you so worried? There wasn't a reason you should feel bad about taking a break. Even if you physically were just as spry as a grasshopper, taking a break for the sake of mental health was just as important. But deep down, you coudn't lie to yourself. Deep down you knew you were going to give up completely. Either for someone to find you, or to be left to rot. And right now, you hoped for the latter, even if it was still scary to admit.

After Comte gave you a week off, asking if it was enough time for you, which you hastily confirmed, feeling bile rise up your throat and wishing for the comfines of your room, your shaky legs and hazy mind managed to carry you to your room. After spending some time emptying the contents of your stomach, which were absolutely too small you would bet, you nothing but collapsed onto your bed. Mouth unrinsed, hair oily and ruffled, it had finally dawned on you how much of a mess you must have loked like. This realisation finally seemed to open the dam that was holding back everything you were feeling. The disgust, the shame, the fear, the anxiety the heavines, the loneliness, but most importnatly the longing.

Fast, salty tears carried all of that out of your body, leaving your face a puffy, sticky mess. Suddenly, you felt rage boil inside of your chest, sprading quickly to your head. Why didn't you say anything? You were so worried and because of what? Your own mind? Could you be any more stupid? The very same mind that put you through absolute hell this past month was now angry at itself, at its own actions. Why did the world have to be this cruel? Why couldn't it grant you the simple request of a mind that would not try to sabotage itself? And now it was too late.

Yo chose this, you thought to yourself. You chose this and these were the consequences of your actions. As if the tears have released all your pent up frustration in your body, all that it left was numbness. A kind of numbness that made your eyelids heavy, making them gravitate towards each other and pulling you into a deep, calm slumber. The kind of slumber you have not been able to achieve for more than the month you've been actively suffering. But also the kind of slumber that would not bring you closer to salvation.

You woke up, not knowing the time and not really finding yourself caring either. You felt strangely...calm. There was no hunger, no thirst, nothing. Only suffocating quiet, the likes of which you would feel in the deep blue of the ocean. You laid stil for what felt like hours, but could have also been minutes, before you succumbed to unconsciousness again.

This has gone on for a few days of your week long break. At one point you felt the pang of hunger, yet you had no will to satiate it. You only rose from your bed late into the night, when the squeezing walls of your stomach, at this point surely eating itself, threatened to spill nothing but its own acid. You tiptoed as quietly as your stiff muscles could into the kitchen, and after munching on some bread and water, because even though you got up, you still didn't feel like cooking, or that you deserved anything more than the simplest of dishes, you quietly stalked the halls back into your room. You fell asleep again, your stomach satisfied, or maybe convinced into satisfaction by your mind, the last thing you heard was the faint sound of Mozart's piano in the dead of the night.

This cycle had repeated for another few days. Your days were interrupted by quiet knocking that would wake you from your slow decline, and sometimes joined by murmurs behind the door. You couldn't find it in you to care. The door wasn't locked. At one point, you could swear you saw a shadow in your window, but it was gone too soon for your slowed mind to focus on it.

One morning, somewhere at the end of your break, not that you were keeping track of time, your door opened. A gust of fresh air was the first thing that barged its way into your room, chasing out the old and musty, albeit warm air from it. You shivered and wiggled deeper under your covers, grumbling hoarsely in protest. Your half asleep mind registered someone slowly walking into your room, as if they were scared to find out what was in it. You kept your eyes closed.

Arthur knelt down beside your bed, looking at your sickly, worn out face. Carefully sneaking his arm under your blanket, his hand searched for yours until it could take it into its own. Caressing your knuckles with his thumb, he cooed softly "Oh, love. I am so sorry. I am so sorry we let this get so far." You didn't respond. What was there to say? "It isn't your fault" you croaked out quietly, not having enough energy to say it loudly and fearing your voice wouldn't work.

"Why did you hide from us? We would've helped..." the writer almost whined, and you could feel the guilt and worry radiating from him. You wanted so desperately to answer, to give him a good reason for how foolish you were acting, but you couldn't. There was nothing that would excuse you. Nothing.

Seeing your slightly open eyes well up with tears, Arthur rushed closer to comfort you. Shushing and soothing you like a small child after a booster shot, he held you close and you tried not to weep hader. "It's alright, love, everything is alright. I've got you. I've got you now, it's good. You're alright."

After you calmed down slightly, you wanted nothing more than to shoo him away, close yourself off again an bury yourself into your bed to get away from the immense shame you felt. But Arthur seemed to be having none of that. He softly but insistently reached under you and helped you sit up with one arm, holding your hand with the other still. you couldn't bring yourslf to look him in the eye and yet his tone never changed from the soft lull he comforted you with. "Come on now, darling. Let's get you cleaned up."

Your mind wanted desperately to push back at him, scream and yell and fight, but you almost limply let him straighten you up and help you walk over to the bathroom. The writer's heart nearly broke in two as he saw you in the same clothes you were in when he last spoke to you. The image of you suffering in silence for so long made him nearly tear up as well, but he held himself back, focusing on you being his biggest priority.

He ran a bath for you, helped you out of your clothes, his gaze never cascading from your face, looking for any signs of overstepping any boundaries and when he found none, he helped you into the bathtub, first washing your hair and then your body, asking if you could and wanted to handle your private parts yourself. You whispered out a small yes, feeling somewhat ashamed still and wanting to make his efforts a bit easier. Letting you soak in the blissfully warm water, a question appeared in your mind "Arthur..." you called out quietly "Were you the one knocking at my door?" you asked timidly, not knowing fully if it wasn't some kind of delirium your mind put you through. The writer's face became solemn as you took a peek at his face and he spoke, his words and tone equally heavy "Everyone did. We were worried about you. After we heard about your break, we thought it might do you well. Everyone noticed that you weren't quite yourself. But after the first few days, when no one ever saw you leave the mansion, let alone your room, our worries doubled. Wolf said he noticed you walking to the kitchen at night, but Sebas only noticed small portions of bread disappearing from the kitchen, so we wanted to check up on you. We tried knocking at your door, not wanting to disturb you if you really were physically ill, but that didn't do anything." "And the window?" you interrupted him, casting your eyes downward again at the rude gesture. But Arthur continued, with no offense taken "That was Dazai. He was checking up on you a lot. In his own way." Arthur smiled sadly "Today, I had enough. Something was telling me you needed help. And I'm glad I listened to my instinct." he smiled at you and you felt your dry lips lift up ever so slightly. You were found when you needed it the most, it seemed.

After Arthur dried you off and helped you put on fresh clothes, he told you Sebas made a nutritious meal for you that wouldn't upset your stomach. He also suggested it would do you good to get out of your room for at least a little while and eat it in the kitchen. Seeing the panic in your eyes, he rushed to assure you "You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to." And so you nodded.

The mansion seemed awfully quiet. There was no one in the halls, no sounds from either corner of the building. On your slow trek to the kitchen, you passed Mozart. The musician didn't say anything, but his lips melted from their usual stern frown to a warm smile and you couldn't help but to start crying again. Athur sat down with you on the cold ground of the hallway, pulling you onto his lap and rocking you back and forth until you felt good enough to walk again. Mozart was nowhere in sight.

You found out that Sebas made you a delicious soup, one with enough vegetables and some meat, the broth strong enough to get you up on your feet in no time. You ate slowly and savoured every spoonful. You suddenly realised how much you've missed eating good food. After your meal was done and Arthur washed your bowl and spoon in silence, he slowly sat down next to you. "How are you feeling?" he asked carefully, knowing that you were nowhere near out of the deep end yet, but desperately hoping his efforts weren't for naught. "Better. Fuller." you answered simply. After another beat of comfortable silence, where you soaked up the sun pouring in through the windows, the writer asked again "Would you like to go back to your room?" You pursed your lips. Suddenly, the idea of your bed and the stuffy room you hid yourself away in sounded horrible. But he comfortable, fluffy clothes and full stomach were pullig at your eyelids again, sleep threatening to take over. "My room it is, then?"

Arthur piped up and you nodded. Before you knew it, you were scooped up bridal style by the vampire, feeling his soft lips on your hairline "Rest, love. I've got you." Soon, you were in a room that smelled of coffe and cologne with a hint of ink. Once again, you wriggled under the covers, these ones feeling much fresher than yours, as you succumbed to sleep once again. But this time, you weren't alone.

#requested #ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikevamp arthur #ikevamp arthur x reader #ikevamp arthur x you #x reader #tw depression #tw suicidality #fem!reader #hurt/comfort #tw emetophobia

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cedarkiller · 1 month

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I've been committing self harm by reading news about trans people and our care and riding a wave of dread and anxiety. I seriously just need to vent out.

I'm so tired of the impossible circle of negativity. If I'm non-conforming, that means I'm a man in a dress. If I'm conforming, that means I'm being misogynistic and replicating the patriarchy. If I speak up I'm silencing women. If I stay quiet I'm a groomer and a predator. I'm both stronger than any cis woman while also somehow being a failed weak male. I'm apparently spreading a social contagion while spending most days at home and having no real life friends. I apparently am mentally ill and need help but I'm also dangerous and should be killed off.

This summarizes the soup of negativity I keep seeing. I wish I could control myself from reading this, yet when you see a large crowd of people saying these things, don't you feel terrified? Any action I do is bad. Any action I do is dangerous. Even if I stood still and said nothing, I'd be a threat.

Do you know why I work carefully on my makeup, what I wear, what my figure looks like? Part of it is that I enjoy being feminine and pretty. Part of it is a fear that I'll be beaten up or killed when outside. I've been ganged up on outside before. I'm afraid for my own life. The bathroom thing is insane. I was so afraid of going to the restroom at some point that I held my pee in for 4 to 5 hours until I got home. I tried using a men's restroom and some men started being hostile towards me.

I'm afraid.

I'm scared.

I don't feel safe.

And all I get is conflicting messages of bigotry. Awful laws being passed. Literal Nazi organizations funding anti-trans research and sentiment just so I could stop existing. This is beyond evil. Beyond painful. It's scary! It's wrong!

I'm someone that can't talk to most people! I don't even register that people are around me. The world is less overloading when you have your earphones on and listen to music.

I'm physically weak. I'm an emotional wreck. I deal with anxiety. And I just want to be left alone. I want to spend my money on my pills, wear cute outfits, take nice selfies and share them with my friends. Maybe one day being with my friends and partner. That's my dream life. The life I'm striving towards.

What?

You expected more?

Some grand plan to enslave women?

To tell others how to live their life?

I haven't had much for most of my life. My transition is the first time I've felt accomplished. Felt like I fulfilled my only dream. I don't want money, a house or anything else. I don't even care about the stupid sex that these bigots are so obsessed about! I never asked to have these genitals!! My whole life has been suffering and mental problems, family problems, school problems and abusive employers. I.. I just want my quiet happy life where I get to be a beautiful woman. So.. why do so many people want to have me suffer more?

What did I ever do to these people that they relentlessly bully and harass me and others?

#vent #trans #transgender #transblr #rant #trans issues #transphobia #tw: transphobia #oh and JK Rowling is a monster #crying posting this #transphobia is awful #transmisogyny

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sapphire-weapon · 9 months

Note

“sleeping with Ada was the inciting incident behind Leon’s drinking problem and he doesn’t even know it” theory/analysis - wait have you talked about this before? I missed it if you did :(

No, I haven't. I meant to. I actually have a half-finished post about it sitting in my drafts, but then the ADHD kicked in and I got distracted and wandered off and haven't bothered to go back to it since.

The thing with this analysis is that like... it's both not that complicated and also very complicated and abstract, and so just the thought of explaining it feels daunting.

To put it in the simplest terms possible: Leon spent RE2 and RE4 chasing an idealized version of Ada that didn't actually exist, so when he finally got the actual Ada in bed and realized that it didn't bring him the catharsis that he was looking for -- and that he actually still felt incomplete/damaged -- his brain just kind of shut that down and rejected that reality and didn't want to face it, which then led to a drinking problem that culminated in a damn near full-blown emotional breakdown in RE6.

It all sort of ties back to my analysis of the relationship between Leon and Ada as it exists in OG -- where Leon has tricked himself into believing that Ada is the only thing that's keeping the memory of his old self alive. We as the audience know that that's objectively not true, and that it's Sherry and how she's modeled her life and her worldview after him that's keeping the old Leon alive -- but that's also really painful for Leon to think about, because he's under the impression that he fucked up Sherry's life so badly that he doesn't deserve to be in it anymore, so it's easier for him to just project all that shit onto Ada.

And so chasing Ada was about more than wanting to romantically/sexually pursue the pretty lady who makes his heart go dokidoki. Despite the bond that they have, Ada is still mostly a mystery to Leon and always seems to be 20 steps ahead of him -- and so, on some level, chasing her was less about getting the girl and more about finding the answers that he's been looking for.

But Ada is just a person. She has her fingers in a lot of pies, sure, but she's not omnicient or omnipotent. She doesn't have the answers to how or why or when things went wrong in Leon's life, and she doesn't have the answers as to how to fix them or make them better.

So, when Leon slept with her and found that divine inspiration didn't enter his consciousness through the tip of his dick and travel its way down his boner and then up his spine and then into his brain like the weirdest venereal disease ever -- instead of feeling relieved at finally having taken care of the sexual tension between them, or comforted by her physical presence, or humbled by her intimacy -- he probably just felt... empty.

This was something he'd wanted so badly. He'd been chasing it for so long. And now that he'd finally gotten it, it was nothing that he'd hoped/thought it would be.

Because he wasn't really chasing Ada. He was running from his own demons, and Ada just happened to have been in front of him.

And instead of face that, instead of deal with that, his brain shut down and went NOPE DIDN'T HAPPEN and reached for literally anything that could distract it from that truth -- regardless of the form it took. Whether it was a slavish devotion to his job that was quickly leading to burnout or the flask he always kept in his back pocket -- it didn't matter what it was.

A lot of this theory/analysis/whatever you want to call it really comes from how fucking weird and bizarre their conversation about it is in Damnation. It always struck me as weird. This isn't how normal fucking people talk to each other about setting up a booty call.

Ada: By the way, when are we going to, um... carry on from where we left off that night? Leon: Any time but now. Ada: You're angry with me, aren't you? Suits you.

Something happened that night that: A) left things feeling unfinished and B) was emotionally charged enough that Ada is under the impression that Leon's mad at her for it, but C) wasn't a turn-off enough for Ada to not want to try again.

It almost seems like Ada had picked up on a weird vibe coming from him and didn't let him stay the whole night through. It probably went something like:

sex happened -> lying in bed together in the afterglow -> something about Leon's general demeanor post-coitus just doesn't feel right -> Ada pulls a "you should probably go" -> Leon gets butthurt but leaves without a fight -> Ada spends the next however many months going "that dick was bomb tho" -> they meet up in Damnation -> Ada decides "no the dick was worth it idc how weird he got" -> propositions him for a round two

I don't think that round two ever happened, though -- or, if it did, it just made things worse. And that's why, by the time we reach RE6, Leon's attachment to Ada has become so unhealthy and unhinged that he damn near has a total break from reality towards the end.

Chasing Ada had given him a personal goal to work towards -- it gave him hope that there was still some lost, forgotten part of himself that he could reclaim. And now that he knew that that was all just a massive cope and none of it was real, he didn't know what to do with himself.

It's not dissimilar to the idea of a character feeling empty after finally exacting the revenge they'd been planning for so, so long. Without that goal to work towards, what else do they have?

This is why the progression of RE6 to Vendetta to Death Island is so important.

In RE6, Leon finally comes to terms with the fact that he doesn't know who Ada is and probably never will, which is why he tells Helena "No" when she tells him to go after her.

And with the Ada thing resolved, Leon throws himself into his work, because what else does he have? But his job makes him completely fucking miserable, so it doesn't fix or stop the drinking habit he's developed.

But then in Vendetta, here comes Chris to drag Leon to his feet and tell him he's not alone -- which is the first time ever, in Leon's entire adult life, that that has ever happened. Ever since Claire left him and Sherry on the side of the road outside of Raccoon City, Leon has been going through this nightmare hellscape alone. So, for Chris to actually come around and help support that weight is a massive, massive fucking deal.

And now, by Death Island, Leon has finally started to really wake up to the reality that is his life. He's more grounded and self-aware in DI than he has ever been at any point in his entire character arc.

And I just so badly want to believe that a massive breakthrough is coming for him in RE9 and he actually puts his foot down and takes control of his life for the first time ever. Because, remember: Leon gave up years and years ago. His life is the way that it is because he allowed it to become that way.

It's long since past due for him to finally stand up for himself.

But we'll see how it goes.

#resident evil #leon kennedy #ada wong #meta analysis #sorry this stopped being strictly about leon's drinking at some point and turned into a broader character study #but whatever it's probably fine

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chronsart · 4 months

Text

Hello, I hope everyone has a happy new year.

I've been gone for a while, so I feel like its important to let people know where I've been, and I felt like maybe this could help someone if they read it.

I've had a rough year. Really who hasn't. I'm certainly not experiencing the worst fate a human could in this time. Even if they're not the same though, everyone faces their own Titan, their own kind of wall. It makes me feel small. But... kind of seeing everyone elses makes it a little easier for me to stand in the shadow of my own.

I've experienced some awful things over the years. Emotional and physical problems, but above all, what may be the worst, is that I've had a terrible relationship with my art and my writing. With everything I've drawn, I've felt as though my work has been nothing but disappointing or largely far from what I want. I've had this large, oppressive wall that makes me feel as though I can't or am unable to express myself the way that I want. I haven't had much faith in myself. Negative in fact. But... things have started to change. So, in 2024, I want to make the difference clear.

Things started changing in me in 2023. Maybe it was in play earlier than that. I had wins and failures, but I was able to pick myself up after those and try again. I felt lost. I looked for purpose, found a job, and a place I thought I might belong, and then lost it. I had done something wrong. It bothered me. But, rather than just stop and feel like this mental block, this wall had moved a little closer- I tried again. I didn't exactly push the wall back just yet. But i started to really look at it, and test the bricks. Take a shovel and really wack em. It didn't really do much at first, but I gave it a shot. At least I was angry. I didn't want to accept this anymore. But I couldn't very well break the wall with a shovel... so I dug a hole instead, beside the wall. I couldn't dig under the wall. It went too far. So I planted a seed inside it. The plant would need light eventually, but all seeds begin in darkness. So I put down my shovel, and I waited.

Towards the later quarter of last year, my life started to change. I had learned many new skills, I solved a few of the problems that were burdening me, and I have begun to feel as though I might be able to move forward. I started wandering into many unfamiliar things in life, and while I was scared at first, I wasn't so much by the time I'd charged through them. Or was dragged through, more like, in some cases. I'm trying my best to get into the swing of things, but the change of pace has left me very tired and I imagine I'll be struggling with that for a while as i adjust. I've still got a ton of bricks to break, and the hammer I made is still kind of heavy, but the wall is coming down.

I started selling plants in the hope that I could have a sort of backup to art. I just needed some distance. (But i also felt like I was running away. I just didn't really want to admit it.) I set up an art business selling plants, and ended up meeting locally with a customer to hand off their plant. Normally, I'd just sit it out and wait for them to show up after all the payment was in order. But, this time they knocked, so I came out to talk for a small bit, and... they ended up buying more plants, what do you know. And then we just started talking about things. Life, what we both did. We were both exhausted trying to keep things going, but we were moving. I mentioned my art on the side... I thought about just leaving it out of the conversation entirely, but it sorta slipped out of me.

This turned out to be the right thing to say. They said that they were opening a gallery. I was invited to be a part of it. After a month or so, we got things going. Yesterday, I was the first artist to have sold their work there. This is the first gallery I've ever been a part of, and it felt really nice to be a part of it and to meet so many other artists and hear their stories.

I realized I've been observing my art through a very dark lens. Yesterday, I was able to see my work through the eyes of other people. Despite all the flaws I saw in my work, other's saw the things they loved in it. And I know its not the first time. There have been plenty of people online who think what i create is cool. I guess I've just been blind to it. In a way I am. Even though I can see the numbers and the hearts, they don't really mean much to me if I can't really see the faces and hear the reactions of the people who see my work and what they innitially think of it, or when they see it in person. Art through a screen just isn't the same as when you hold it in your hands, and behold it in your world. Maybe, that's a good enough reason to start a physical sketchbook.

My art got printed for the first time in years two days ago. When i saw it innitially, laying on this bench, I was a little scared to approach it. I remembered all the flaws in that art, and this coil of anxiety wound up in my chest. But... I saw the look on the face of this person next to me, just genuinely looking at the art for what it was. After a moment, that coil loosened, and all those depressive thoughts slipped away. I remembered then when i was making that art, how I made it. What i wanted to make vs how it turned out. I didn't hit the mark exactly, but I could still appreciate the result. I even remembered the experience of drawing it fondly... and I kind of wished that I'd recorded it. Maybe i could have appreciated it better. I even wanted to create an alternative to that drawing. It felt really nice. It felt relieving. Like I could pick up a pencil again without worrying so much what i was going to create, to do it all over again. I even looked forward to it.

I guess working with my plants helped me figure things out in a weird, round-about way. And even my plants aren't perfect. They've lost leaves, wilted, died, but I've been learning to fix some of the mistakes I'd made. I've even managed to bring some of my plants back from the fucking dead, and I've managed to keep my others alive. Healthy even, thankfully. I do run a plant business afterall, but it took me roughly three years to get decent at growing them. And now I have around 400 plants in my house, and have plans to build a green house, maybe in the spring this year.

My art on the other hand... has just been so rooted into my damaged psyche that I haven't been able to open it up to becoming sustainable, despite people asking me about it. Maybe that will change this year. It feels like I can start to make it so. I want to reach out this year. I want to make people happy, even if I can't see them myself.

So... while I'm still terribly critical of anything I create, I feel like I can forgive myself a little more, and accept as well that while I can't make anything perfect to any degree, I can make a few things that are good and be happy with that. Even if i fail, the most important thing that I do is try again and make something new. Make a few things that I can like, despite what the nagging doubt in my head says.

I really hope that I can come to feel as though I can breathe again and to believe in my art and stories again. Maybe I can allow myself share more freely in the coming year. I feel like its more tangible of a possibility that I can believe in. Already I'm making more art, and more story projects to release. And I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm going to regret not trying just because I was afraid of making a mistake. I've learned, that making a mistake is easy, and getting back up is hard- but staying down hurts so much worse.

Right now, my seed has grown into a lovely little tree. It's reached a little further than my wall now, reaching light over the top that I've begun to see through its leaves.

I hope that the coming year is good to you. But if it isn't, I hope you find the strength you need to make it the best that you can. Maybe, collectively, we will make this year a little easier.

If you find yourself stuck like I have, maybe grow yourself a plant. Even if you're bad at it. Like, even the "I kill every plant I touch" kind of bad. I was there too. Its not something bound in this mystic "talent" people think you're born with when you're suddenly good at something. It's just like art. So, maybe, give yourself a chance. Find one, learn about it. What it likes, what it hates. Add it to your routine, or let it help you to create one. Every new little leaf and flower, is so rewarding to see when they appear. Each new leaf is different, even though its the same plant. Sometimes the first few are a little weird till they get going. And the roots, those are really cool too. They go wherever the water and the food is so that they can help the plant grow better leaves. So they're really good at finding things, even in the dark. They just feel it out. They don't know what it is, but they know its good or bad. They're especially good at finding all those cracks in the bricks that are too dark for you to see. And sometimes, they even break something loose, and let in some light so you can see through to the other side.

#chronsrambles #personal #dunno what possessed me to write all this #but it feels nice to get it all out of my system #i have an endless amount of stuff to complete but i need to just be at the point im not falling asleep at my desk hah #catch you later #happy new year #i hear its the year of the dragon #maybe I'll catch one by its tail

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frogizz · 7 months

Text

Jin Ling, man I pity the kid.

The Untamed Spoilers (Up to Episode 47)

*I haven't read the novel, I will update this when I do. Also, this is a rant, not some analysis, so this is heavily opinionated on what I just binge watched for the past week.*

Dead parents, raised during a time after war but during the corruption and manipulation lead by his own clan, his clan leader being human scum without him even knowing, his martial uncle being the one to have had killed his parents, bullied because of him being an orphan, raised by his maternal uncle who can't handle his emotions well either.

This kid gave me the impression of an arrogant spoiled kid who always let uncle take care of the messes he creates. But Jin Ling has impressed me and made me feel so bad for his character. He's just a teen, so of course he's going to act like a bit of a brat and be super emotional. But, him being emotional is explained and a little justified. Not just the trauma and the bullying explains and justifies it but so does the fact that he was practically raised by Jiang Cheng, the guy not well known for keeping his temper in check.

Jin Ling gets aggressive and easily on the defense because that's how he had to be his entire life. Emotionally defensive and physically defensive. He especially gets this way with Wei Wuxian, obviously because of what he's been told all his life. That Wei Wuxian is basically the root of all of his problems, he's the one that killed his parents, so he's the cause of all of his trauma right? (I have a separate rant for how I think Wei Wuxian is only half responsible for that).

But, as Jin Ling had an inkling of an idea that Mo Xuanyu was actually Wei Wuxian, he still interacted with him in a somewhat civil way, helping him and defending him, because he was never really hurt directly by him. After finding out that it really was Wei Wuxian, Jin Ling stabs him, as a way to get revenge? Feel justice?

And everything that unfolds after that, both Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng feel conflicted, they want to be mad at Wei Wuxian, they want to still believe that their anger, their grief, their feelings overall are justified, that the impression they've had of this man for years is what they really think. I mean, it's pretty hard to truly believe someone you thought of as a nasty, disgusting, manipulating, lying, malicious killer would actually be a responsible, caring, thoughtful, and very self-sacrificing individual. Of course Jiang Cheng knows all of that, but he can't just let go of the first hand experiences he's had with him all of his life.

Meanwhile, Jin Ling, he's so conflicted with how to feel because what he's been told all of his life is contrasting heavily with what he's personally experienced.

Also, the scene where Wen Ning is trying to see if Lan Sizhui is really Wen Yuan most likely made Jin Ling very cautious, aggressive, angry, and depressed because he was maybe jealous. Jealous that he can't have a nice, touching family reunion like how he did. Well, also because Wen Ning was also the direct cause of his father's death, but besides that, the scene probably felt like a huge slap in the face.

Jin Ling's family history isn't perfect, but he at least has two family members who are willing to protect him and keep him safe (I am of course including Wei Wuxian even though I know he isn't blood family or even considered Jiang Cheng's brother anymore).

I just wish him the best, I wish this kid can learn how to cope better with all of his trauma, that he can grow up to know the full truth about what had all went down.

When he broke down crying in front of everyone, all I wanted to do was jump into the screen and hug him, comfort him. This kid seriously needs a therapist.

#end of rant #mxtx novels #mdzs the untamed #the untamed #jin ling #mdzs spoilers #the untamed spoilers

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nightfang22 · 10 months

Text

Bite of Fate

A/N: I could not get this idea out of my head so let me know if you guys enjoy it!I wanted to make a spicier part 2 but I'm on the fence so let me know if that's something that you guys would enjoy and remember my requests and asks are always open!

Warnings:18+,Minors DNI,abusive boyfriend,light physical abuse,emotional abuse and trauma,piercing,light biting.

Pairing:Tattoo Artist!Izuku Midoriya x f!Reader

Word Count:1.9k

The smell of rubbing alcohol and the sound of soft mechanical buzzing filled your ears as soon as you opened the doors. It was a beautiful shop, really. The walls covered in gorgeous art work on the inside and cute window stickering on the outside. You felt butterflies jitter in your tummy as you thought about what you were about to do. Admittedly, you didn't really want to do this. You had always wanted a tattoo but you certainly didn't want someone's name on your body forever. You felt a firm jolt on your arm as your boyfriend, Jonathan, tugged you along. "Oh no. You are not chickening out on me now. Not after I caught you hanging around those guys like some needy slut." He whispered with venom in your ear. You shuddered and almost teared up at his words.

**Flash Back**

After a long day of convincing, your friend Mina had dragged you along to hang out with her friends. Your phone had died but those couple of silent hours with Mina, Bakugo, Kirishima, Denki, and Sero were the most peaceful you've had since you met Jonathan. The peace soon came to an end though when he went out scrambling for you and you were at a cute little karaoke club with them all having a few much deserved drinks, in your opinion. He looked at them, almost sneering his smile was so sickeningly sweet before snatching you up by the arm. You whimpered out in pain and then Bakugo stood up abruptly. Kirishima soon following. "That's not very manly to treat your lady like that, man." Your boyfriend just rolled his eyes at Kiri. Bakugo started making small explosions in his palms. "Are we going to have a problem, Dynamight?" Jonathan snarled as he spat his hero name at him. Before Bakugo could go any further, you smiled through your tears. "It's okay, guys. Thanks for inviting me out tonight, Mina. It was a lot of fun." She smiled at you and nodded. "We should do it again sometime soon!" She said, knowing full well you wouldn't be allowed out of the house for months after this incident. You simply nodded and waved your goodbyes as Jonathan yanked you along.

**Back To Present**

You shook your head as if that would wipe the memory of the previous night. You hear someone in front of you clear their throat and you look up to see a mop of green, curly hair that's got a nice undercut with designs similar to that of AllMight's silver age hero costume shaved into it. The man has tattoos everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. His neck, full sleeves, his hands, and who knows where else. That's when you peer closer at the man's face. Butterflies of long held feeling shot through you like a cold heat when you made eye contact. You recognized those big green eyes and freckles anywhere. Your tattoo artist was… "Izuku?" You asked out loud in a quiet tone. He looked puzzled at first before it clicked. “(Y/N)? Is that you? I haven't seen you since graduation!" Your face instantly broke out into a smile. You haven't seen Izuku in almost 4 years which is roughly the amount of time you have been with Jonathan. You nod, a smile still on your face. Jonathan tugged on your arm, gritting his teeth with a fake smile. "Babe, aren't you going to introduce me?" You knew that it was more of a command and less of a request. "Oh uh of course! Jonathan, this is Izuku Midoriya. We went to UA together. We were both in class 1A. He was my best friend." You sounded wistful when talking about the past and this did not go unnoticed by either Jonathan or Izuku.

He dug his fingers into your arm to make his point more clear. "Oh right um. Izuku, this is my boyfriend, Jonathan." Izuku took note of how dull your eyes had become since he last saw you. The bruising grip this man had on you made his blood boil and he didn't like it one bit. Izuku smiled at him with this dark intensity behind his gorgeous emerald colored eyes. "So, Jonathan." Izuku nearly spat his name out like it was overcooked calamari. "What are you looking to get done today?" Jonathan narrowed his eyes at Izuku. "Actually, she's the one getting a tattoo today. She's getting my name on her neck." Izuku's eyes nearly popped out of his head when he heard that. He looked over to you only to see you eyeing the piercing jewelry. That's when a thought popped into Izuku's head. "(Y/N), do you have any other tattoos? Jumping straight to the neck isn't something that people usually do. It's quite painful and difficult to take care of." You shook your head with a quiet 'no'. "Then how about we try somewhere else hm? Maybe a different design, too. Getting someone's name tattooed on you is real bad luck in the tattoo world." You saw what he was trying to do and mouthed 'thank you'. Jonathan, however, wasn't buying it. "She either gets that or she's not getting a tattoo." He crossed his arms and smirked in triumph. Little did he know, Izuku doesn't like to lose. "Then how about a piercing? Have you ever had one?" You shook your head again with a resounding 'no'. "Well except my ears, I guess but I got those when I was a baby so I don't really remember it." Izuku nodded in thought. "Well, have you ever wanted a piercing before?" You nodded, blushing lightly. "I've always wanted to get my tongue pierced." Izuku's eyes lit up when he heard that. "That's a perfect beginning piercing! I have lots of clients who get that as their first." Jonathan scoffed in disgust and rolled his eyes. "No way. No girl of mine is getting a whore piercing like that. If you do that, we're done." Your eyes met Izuku's and he nodded microscopically. You took a step toward Izuku and smiled. "Then I guess I'm no girl of yours." You smiled for the first time in a long while. Jonathan sputtered. "What?! I knew you were fucking worthless! You're nothing without me! I'll forgive you if you just come here and be a good girl." You felt yourself shrink and your resolve diminish before Izuku stepped forward. "Well of course she's a good girl. But she's not yours anymore. Now I'll kindly ask you to either sit peacefully while I do my job or get out." Jonathan huffed but ultimately quieted down. Izuku took your hand and lead you to a chair, sitting you down and prepping you for the needle. "Have you eaten anything or had any water today? Don't want you passing out on me now." He chuckled as you nodded. Jonathan growled quietly at your interaction but something about being here with Izuku made you feel happy, safe. Like Jonathan couldn't hurt you even if he wanted to right now.

Izuku grabbed your jaw gently guiding you to open your mouth. You looked up at him and followed his every direction. "Alright now I need you to take a deep breath for me, okay? You can even close your eyes if you need to." You kept your vision steady on his face as he worked. Izuku was always so handsome when he had that determined, focused look on his face. You felt yourself blushing and you were willing it to go away because it would be obvious from so close. He took notice and smirked. He pulled your tongue out of your mouth and put the clamps on it. "Okay now deep breath in…" He counted from 3 and shoved the needle through. You felt nothing. You sat, stone faced. Izuku seemed impressed and worried. Your pain tolerance was very high due to the beatings that Jonathan regularly dealt out to you. He screwed the jewelry in and gave you some aspirin and ice for the swelling but it honestly wasn’t that swollen or anything.

You stuck your tongue out in the mirror that Izuku held up in front of you and giggled. "I love it!" Jonathan scoffed. "We're through. I can't believe you got a harlot thing like that. If you take it out, I'll consider forgiving you." You rolled your eyes and his hand snapped across your face the moment it happened, making your tongue throb. Izuku caught his wrist. "Out. Now." Jonathan grumbled and stalked off, not wanting to cause more of a scene. You breathed your first sigh of relief in ages. Izuku looked at you with worry etched all across his face. "Are you okay?" You nod before looking up at him. "Thank you. The last 4 years have been the worst years of my life." He chuckled and looked at you. "That would explain why no one has heard from you since graduation, huh?" You nod, tears brimming your eyes in pure relief and joy. "I guess that's why when I told Mina he was making me get a tattoo, she suggested this place. Sneaky little shit." You laughed through your tears as Izuku cradled you in his arms. "I missed you, (Y/N)." He whispered into your hair and kissed the top of your head. That cold heat shot through you again just like when you had entered the shop. He pulled away and looked at your face before biting his lip and pulling you in. He kissed you softly but so passionately. You had never felt something so intense before. It was nothing like when you first kissed as kids after Katsuki pushed him off the swings. Or even the time in middle school when you kissed him after helping him find his soaked notebook in the koi pond. You loved him then and you love him now and you realized that nothing could ever replace or ruin that. He pulled away and trailed kisses down your jawline, settling his mouth just below your ear. "How about a tattoo after all hm?"

You quirk an eyebrow and tilt your head in confusion. He bites down on the special sweet spot where your neck and shoulder connect. He leaves a nice dental impression. "How about we commemorate just how special you are to me?" You smile and offer a trade. He grins from ear to ear as you bite the only un-inked part of his neck, leaving a clear impression. Izuku makes quick work of both of your tattoos. He's completing the finishing touches on his as you stare in the mirror at yours, a grin splitting your face from ear to ear. Once his is all finished up, he comes up behind you in the full length mirror, wrapping his arms around your waist. He smiles at you through the reflection of the mirror before kissing your jawline. Your eyes light up as an idea pops into your head, grabbing your phone. You unlock it and open the camera app before snapping a cute picture of you and Izuku with his head on your shoulder, showing off both of your tattoos and your tongue out to show off your new piercing. You make quick work of posting it and not even a full minute later your phone is blowing up. Texts from Mina squealing about how cute you guys look together and about how she feels entitled to the credit because she knew her master plan would work, the BakuSquad groupchat blowing up with cute couple memes with yours and Izuku's faces attached to them, and of course, Jonathan calling and leaving voicemails and nasty texts. That's when you did something that you haven't had the courage to do in 4 long years. You opened his contact and hit the block button.

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aro-culture-is · 2 years

Note

hey im looking for advice here, dont feel obligated to answer this :)

im already in a romantic relationship and recently came out as ace to my gf and she was cool with it. but now im questioning if im aro aswell.

i dont think i want a romantic relationship with her anymore, but i still definatly want a close platonic one. my problem is that i cant tell if im aro or just dont love *her* romantically anymore. she's the only person ive really ever wanted a romantic relationship with, and even then im not sure if i was even romanticly attracted towards her. i already knew she had a "crush" on me, and looking back my feelings towards her and any past "crushes" felt fabricated or... dull? like i was *suposed* to feel something, or when i did im wondering now if it couldve just been craving close platonic affection.

im nd and out relationship has been extremely draining in the past, and also makes it hard to tell platonic vs romantic feelings in the past because i have a hard time describing past feelings

thank you for read :) i hope this isnt a bother to answer

hi,

i've been in a similar though different situation (same for everything except i also knew i was aro going into it and... thought we were on the same page on that too), and i'm mostly going to lean on my communication agenda and that experience to respond to you.

putting the facts into an order i think is important, based on your explicit statements: this relationship is draining for you. you don't think you want a romantic relationship with her, though you do want to maintain a close platonic relationship with her. you're nd and can have a hard time describing past feelings - and i wouldn't be surprised if that also occurs with current feelings.

(big mood, but 3 years ago)

I found that this ultimately meant I had to work on finding a way to safely express my feelings - that we should break up, and that I would like to remain close friends with my now-ex gf. for me, this was hard - I was balancing mental health for both of us, plus academic lives, and a long-distance situation. I ultimately decided that I had to initiate this conversation, and spent some time trying to take a step back and think of how she'd likely respond. Be cautious if you're prone to anxious thoughts - try to check in on what reactions you've seen them have and if this is actually similar. from there... honestly, you have to talk.

physical safety comes first: there is no universally wrong way to break up, imo. I don't know anything about your gf, so please don't be mad if i'm assuming the worst - my ex, while generally sweet, had severe problems with emotional regulation in situations like this, and in a disabled with trauma way. i recognized that she could, in a physical meeting where we were too close, respond with physical violence before she had time to process that urge. I chose to break up with her while at a physical distance, and near my car. For some people, physical safety is a necessary concern for their own self. i've also known a breakup where my concern was the physical safety of the other individual - in that case, follow a similar plan as to below, but for that individual.

emotional safety is next. if you can, let supportive others know beforehand that you're breaking up. friends, family, therapists, etc. it doesn't have to be the whole crowd, just whoever feels important and available. make sure you have some kind of set up that allows you to go to a safe place to feel your emotions, take a deep breath, and begin to move forwards afterwards. even if it's mutual, you probably will have some feelings to work through, and that's normal.

finally... I want to have a real moment. My ex and I talked so many times, for so long, about how we were going to remain friends if we broke up, and nothing would stop us from ensuring that happened. We haven't talked since I broke up with her. It happens sometimes. Try to have realistic expectations, and recognize that it might take a few weeks for emotions to return to a more baseline level between you - and if you haven't heard back, but haven't explicitly been told to fuck off, I'd say 2-3 weeks is an appropriate time to reach back out.

this is.... long. but i hope it helps to provide some perspective, address some scenarios that can be important to consider, and ultimately, provide a broad guideline for the process of breaking up with hopes of continuing friendship.

i hope this helps. more posts like this exist in the #advice tag.

mod kee

#Anonymous #not aro culture #not aro #like we're both aro or questioning #but honestly i don't think that's important to your immediate situation here #so i'm primarily filing this under #advice

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neganmct · 2 years

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I've gotten beyond fucking stressed over the past couple of months and it's just building up

I'll do a read more don't worry you don't have to read my shit

I have a few fucking mental health issues that are a problem and can be shit at times. I've been doing so good lately and I've even broken boundaries and set goals I wouldn't have done five years ago but here I am. I've been less violent and I've been very healthy and done my best to be the nicest I can be to people.

Logically I know someone will read this either way, someone might even comment and send their support or just read this because they're interested in whatever the fuck is going on. However the illogical part of me is going to assume that no one gives a damn and that this will not be read. And in the centre! I'm fine with both sides? Which is new.

Usually I vent fic, I vent fic pretty hard because right now I don't have a correct workspace to be able to vent in other creative ways. Past few weeks I've not done that, I've not done shit. I've held it in like I'm the happiest motherfucker in the valley!

The way I work with vent fics is like this.

XYZ happened: if its really bad its implied or referenced or very slight hints via flashbacks.

The anger, pain, mania, its all written out through violence.

Sometimes there is a conclusion, process, what endings there are as a possibility.

Sometimes it's just how I'm feeling.

I've been doing this for a few months now because I can't seem to force myself to draw or to do my SFX work. I just can't seem to and lately I feel like there's judgement and shit sitting on my shoulders even though I've had nothing but support and people offering their shoulders for me to cry on if I need to. Thank you by the way if you are one of those people. It's all helping me to process flashbacks and dark thoughts and I feel better afterwards.

And recently I've discovered something very fucking new. The tiniest shit is somehow a challenge in my brain: an iced coffee for breakfast? Shit that was me when I didn't see my future! Heavy discussions about food in general as got me looking down at myself in disgust even though I'm fucking muscular.

I've been going back to my education, my work, I have so many doors open to me now and for some reason it feels like they're all closing even though I know they're not.

I'm scared. I haven't felt like this in a long time and I don't want to relapse and fall back into square one when I've been so happy and so much more honest with myself. I don't understand. I've even unconsciously punished myself one way or another without causing physical damage. Only emotional damage. What am I even doing? Why am I trying to feel the dark spots I've worked so hard on to brighten?

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what-do-1000-swords-look-like · 1 year

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Note to Elwood:

This is not how you talk about someone when they're not present when you have "feelings" for them:

youtube

What about that scene above is him being a gentleman?

And more importantly...

Beau has feelings for Jenny?

Girl, WHERE?

We've only ever seen Jenny's side of things.

Full disclosure, I haven't seen season 2, but Jenny is funny and very charismatic? That's what she and Beau have in common besides their confidence? I don't remember Jenny cracking any jokes in season 1 or season 3 thus far.

"But he doesn’t let Jenny in emotionally because he doesn’t want to be vulnerable to her." - what??? So him telling her in 2x18 that he followed his daughter and ex-wife to Montana wasn't him letting her in. Or him telling her and Cassie how he felt about missing out on Emily's life in 3x01 wasn't letting her in? Or even when he talks to her alone in 3x09 again about Emily?

LOL!!! Jenny isn't jealous of Cassie and Beau's friendship in a romantic way? Seriously? Then why the whole consistent teasing of Beau about Cassie, asking if he's jealous? Even in 3x09 when they're having their supposed big emotionally intimate convo without Cassie being there or having anything to do with it? Elwood, you lie like a rug.

"Beau’s been very, very guarded around Jenny about any emotional stuff in his life regarding his marriage." - yet again, I ask, how has he been guarded when in the very first episode he meets her, he talks about it? He may not have told her the reason why the marriage failed but he had no problem basically admitting that he was still in love with Carla in that first car ride. Not to mention Jenny is the first one to meet Carla and witness what happened there.

"When Jenny got to interview Carla, that was a real chess match, and what was being discussed was trying to figure out what makes Beau tick and what kind of woman would be with this guy Avery, who Jenny and Beau know is up to some dirt." - so you ADMIT that Jenny was doing that in this scene when just an episode later you have Jenny telling Cassie that she's going to respect his boundaries, give him some space, and let him tell her when he's ready? When she said the very same thing in 3x01 when Cassie tells her she can ask Beau? So she goes behind his back and gets the scoop from his ex-wife instead? Not a true romance does this make.

"Those are the cards we’ve been playing with in this relationship. I think it all goes towards earning those looks, earning any kind of physicality that may occur in the back half of the season, really earning it," - you may want to stick to playing checkers instead because your chess matches and card playing aren't working out; they're horrific. Because Beau suddenly doing a 180 in the mid-season finale doesn't feel earned, it feels extremely out of character, abrupt, and not making sense.

"and making the audience want to be there for it." - AH, his true goal, gotta get those numbers up and keep viewers for the ratings. My bad, I thought Elwood was a story teller, not a salesman.

So basically, he knows he fucked up, the show doesn't actually show this supposed build-up of a true romance of Beau and Jenny, so that's why we get:

A whole sales pitch in combination with a full explanation because it wasn't apparent how Beau felt during the entire season so far, and the interviewer even had to check that Jenny knew she was interested. Imagine, that had to be asked.

And once again, he's not doing this because it's right for the story or either character (it's not), he's doing it to give "the audience what they want". Fanservice, that's all it is. And while a lot of shows tend to swing this way in order to keep viewers (since streaming/COVID changed the game irrevocably), the writers do their best to try to make it make some sense in the story. We've seen both good and bad examples of both. This is definitely the latter.

Had they done some organic build-up between Beau and Jenny, and not had Jenny acting so out of character and being full on cocky to boot (I mean, "Jenny always gets her man"? Really?), then maybe I could see this making sense as far as the fanservice goes. But Jensen and Katheryn don't have romantic chemistry. This is what genuine chemistry looks like:

youtube

He has way more chemistry with Angelique, Kylie, and Dedee. And for Beau to get into a romantic relationship with either Carla or Cassie makes way more sense for his story as well as theirs. With Denise not so much, but again, chemistry and it's cute.

So for this sudden Beau-has-been-returning-Jenny's-feelings-the-whole-time-he's-just-been-guarded-around-her to come out of nowhere is just beyond bad writing. Especially considering that Jenny already dealt with this issue (guy who isn't truly over his ex and she has to deal with it in the relationship) last season. With Travis, the very same guy Beau helped her to deal with in the very same episode she met him and says goodbye to her boyfriend, and lets him go to find his ex. The very SAME episode. That's. BAD. WRITING. And not good at all for Jenny's character development, because there is NO development. Here she is again, dealing with this same bullshit. And to top it all off, she's been acting like a teenager in some weird one-sided high school romance, being jealous (yes, Elwood, that's right, ROMANTICALLY jealous) of her best friend, trying to call dibs on a man that has shown NO interest in her whatsoever, to the point where even his ex-wife is noticing, and basically waiting him out because she's so confident she's going to get her man. (Yes, you wrote that, Elwood. YOU) Something the Jenny from Season 1 (and the few flashes I've seen of season 2) Jenny wouldn't have done, especially after having gone through this SAME thing last season.

So you have both female leads (and one hell of a strong female side character aka Carla) being reduced to devices to tell the romance story for fanservice, all revolving around a man...great job, Elwood. Great job.

And here's the thing, Jensen is doing his best to make the story work. And that's not speaking through an AA-haze, that's just speaking truth. It's most apparent in that 3x10 scene. While that moment came out of nowhere and felt extremely awkward, especially with Jenny's reaction, it only worked slightly because of him. He and Katheryn don't have romantic chemistry, not in these roles and in this story. So I think it's hilarious that fanboy Elwood who is clinging to Jensen and Reba like a crab with its claws, texts Jensen from the editing room (by Jensen's own admission from this most recent con), asking Jensen if he meant to play a take a certain way, then telling him it's brilliant and they're going to use it, and yet we still get:

youtube

This scene (and ANOTHER Cassie mention) & this scene (where Beau is NOT jealous nor does he give a shit that Jenny is being hit on)

Where Beau very clearly isn't into Jenny or thinking of anything romantic happening between them. NO. ORGANIC. BUILD-UP.

Elwood had the opportunity to use different takes (for example, look at the 3x09 movie night scene again - Katheryn's coverage has Jensen looking at her; Jensen's coverage has him barely looking at her) to tell this story between them seamlessly and do a genuine build-up to have this payoff in 3x10. He didn't because his ego is telling him that he doesn't need to. And why? Because he believes his own hype and his goal isn't to tell a great story but to maintain ratings. That's it. So it's beyond hilarious to me that fanboy Elwood even texts Jensen from the editing room. Like dude, you have no excuse. This isn't on the editors or the writers or the actors; this is on you. Just you.

And the only time we get some genuine possibly romantic chemistry with Jensen and Katheryn? This scene - and why? Because they're not playing their roles. (which is a testament to their acting abilities btw)

Congratulations, Elwood. You sacrificed Cassie and Jenny, your two female leads, for ratings for this shit. Are you proud of yourself? (most likely you are but you shouldn't be)

I've seen some shitty showrunners in my time but wow, Elwood, you take the cake. I can see why there's talk about this season being this show's last. This is truly terrible writing. You may want to go back to just being on a writing team or to short novels, buddy. I feel like that's where your strength is, and leave the showrunning to the pros.

#big sky #anti beau x jenny #god it felt good to get this out #such shitty writing #i'd prefer d&d and jroth to this shit #bye bye big sky #you had the opportunity to be one of the greats #how is this a david e. kelly production #so bad #bigskyposts #i'm jumping off this ship before it crashes into the rocks #save yourselves #anti elwood reid #big sky critical

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harry-styles-obsessed · 1 year

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Depression

Tw's: mention of depression, and thoughts of self harm- (based on Harry's song- Matilda) if you're uncomfortable/ sensitive with any of those things please do not read on❤️

Y/n's POV

Everything you said and did was a cry for help practically and no one really seemed to realise that or well... no one you'd think of.

"Y/n!" Your mum shouted up the stairs to you and you put your phone down on the bedside table before getting up "coming!"

Harry must've nodded as before you knew it he had lifted you up into his arms and was carrying you up the stairs. He was with you and you were with him. That's all that mattered now.

"I know how much you struggle... so I decided whilst on tour why not put together a song that you and everyone else could resonate with" he said softly and you quickly lurched into his arms wrapping your limbs around him tightly not daring to let go of him "thank you...." You whispered and he shook his head "just doing what an friend does." He said quietly laying back as he pulled you closer to him and you didn't dare let go of him

The next few days were good... great! But it was nearing the time Harry had to go back to tour again and as selfish as it sounded you didn't want him to go.

"Oh,"

You looked at him waiting for him to continue

"I am all yours"

Word count; 1521

#harrystyles #depression #comfort #harry styles x y/n #Harry Edward styles #x reader #mental health #mental health matters #its okay #it’s okay to not be okay

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mika-shion · 2 years

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The Feeling of Heartache/Momentum

I am an absolute mess...

My first breakup was extremely difficult, But at least that was able to force myself to forget about the person. Same with the third.

This one just hurts in a whole new way.

If I'm too quite this to physical pain, I'd say the first two felt like serious stabbings (The first one involving a lot of twisting), and this just feels like I'm being melted. Lowered into a thing of acid and I can't even scream...

Part of me wants to say that, If I had seen this coming several months ago, I would have cut it off then and there... But knowing me I don't think I could have.

Cuz you know I think I've realized that, somewhere along the line, I taught myself that My main purpose in life is to make others happy... and while that's certainly something I wish to do, It's always come at the expense of my own well-being.

So after my first relationship I kept seeking out other people in an attempt to do that... At least that's what I assume.

And please do not misunderstand me, some of the people I was with, these two especially, they were the greatest people to have ever come into my life. Certainly the most impactful.

Also I just want to say quickly, for any of the people who would like to claim that I'm being dramatic, I encouraged you to imagine something/someone that you've poured your heart and soul into. Something/someone that you've grown accustomed to thinking of a particular way, treating a particular way, building a routine around that person/thing.

Then imagine, after a few years have gone by, and all of a sudden - You're no longer allowed to think of or interact with that person/thing the way you've learned to. Yes they're still there, but now it feels like there's a thick, emotional barrier between the two of you...

I don't know if that's even remotely close to how either of them feel, but until I hear otherwise from them, that's what I have to assume to keep the friendship going.

I could go on about the other reasons that make this harder for me, but I think that more than enough covers what I need it to.

I told myself when this relationship started that, if it somehow managed to not work out, I could never bring myself to date again... I was so confident that this was the right one. "I could make this last forever, this is the relationship I want to work on!"

...but after several failed attempts at improving, and a few broken hearts, I was proven wrong.

But see, there-in lies the problem - she's polyamorous... Despite knowing for an absolute fact that I was not, I was convinced it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I would be completely fine with dating her while she dates other people as well.

On paper there's absolutely no problem with that, but having an in practice is an entirely different beast...

Once we got comfortable and she started looking into finding other partners, it's like all of my worst traits were fucking magnified. My jealousy, my insecurities, my fears of rejection and abandonment, I became possessive and controlling it was... It was gross and I just couldn't stop.

And I wasn't doing this to be cruel to her, or anything nasty like that. I kept pushing because I wholeheartedly believed that this was all just a me problem and that, If I just worked hard enough, I'd be able to get through it and we could live a happy wonderful life.

But I was wrong... I was wrong and I let things get out of control. After several months, she decided enough was enough... and it kills me that I couldn't bring myself to realize it first.

It's terrifying how blind I can be to my own actions, even when I'm confident that I know what I'm doing.

And yet, despite all the shit I've put her and everyone else through, somehow she still wants to be my friend. They both do... And I just can't help but wonder if I even deserve this.

I genuinely don't feel like I offer anything as a person, nothing useful or valuable anyway. Lately I haven't been able to think of myself as anything other than a burden, and this was well before she decided to call it off.

No matter how hard I try, I can't find the will to challenge myself anymore... So much so that I even fight it. I used to be such a bright, beautiful, and happy soul... and then I let the world destroy it, burn it, tear it, and throw it in the mud.

I'm so incredibly tired of my own shit, and at the same time I want to learn how to love myself God damn it...

With some much needed guidance, I am taking steps to actually better myself.

These several months I've been talking about it, But I never really made any substantial progress... Probably because I was forcing myself into a relationship that wasn't healthy... But whatever.

I am terrified of myself, angry at so much for the world around me, and hopeless about my possible future...

But two nights ago I decided "fuck that". Starting from here I will make these changes, and one of those changes was to simply find a new therapist... However in the process I realized that I also needed to check myself into a mental hospital...

From there I got even more help that I so desperately needed... I just hope I will continue to find the strength to keep this momentum going.

Honestly I could go on for hours about this but I think I'll leave it here.

For anyone who bothered to read this, thank you, and I hope it didn't make you too depressed lol

Y'all have a good day~✨💕🌸

#mika-talks

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teawithkpop · 3 years

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[M] - PhysCom - Pt 7

pt 1 - pt 2 - pt 3 - bc 1 - pt 4 - pt 5 - pt 6 - pt 7

Pairing: BTS - OT7 x Reader

Rating: Mature [18+]

Length: 5.4k words

Genre: PhysCom AU - smut with dashes of angst, and a shitload of romance and complicated feelings,, uhuhu (porn with plot??)

Warnings: swearing, a lot of emotional turmoil, talk of pregnancy scares (birth control, contraceptives, etc.), implied discrimination towards sex workers (not by any of the boys dw), mentions of sexual acts

slowly hands you a cake that says "I haven't updated this fic in 14 months and I don't know when the next part is coming but here's an update thanks for being patient" in comic sans

-------

The rush to the hospital goes by in a blur of tears and shouting and panic and questions that you can't bring yourself to answer. The only constant is Min Yoongi's hand, firmly locked in your own throughout the ordeal, tethering you to reality.

You now sit in a private room on a sterile medical table and wait to be seen, too numb inside to feel the sting of the cold metal as it cuts into the backs of your thighs. Yoongi stands beside you, still holding your hand, his fingers are laced through yours and squeezing as if it could sap away the fear that eats away your insides, leaving you hollow and empty.

"It'll be alright. Don't worry about a damn thing, okay?" He shifts his weight anxiously, betraying his own underlying worries.

You barely remember him throwing his jacket over you before being rushed out of the house, and you don't feel deserving of the modest coverage. Though the leather is worn and soft against your skin, all you can feel is the harsh metallic zipper, scratching at your chest as though reminding you of your wrongdoings.

"Yoongi…" you start to say, but he cuts you off, his voice a hoarse whisper.

"Don't you fucking dare. Don't apologize."

You feel tears well up in your eyes. Your chest grows tight with the words he's forbidden you to say.

"I've already called Namjoon, it'll all be fine. Don't worry." He works his jaw and rubs your hand with surprising tenderness, glancing to the little window in the door every other second.

He's been assuring you with those same words for the past half hour, but it feels like it's been an eternity. As you glance at the clock on the wall, watching the hands tick by, you imagine a scene like that of a health documentary. Tiny sperm, swimming up your insides… fertilizing your previously dormant eggs.

Fuck. You've fucked up.

You might be pregnant with Min Yoongi's child. Your Opticon birth control implant could send you into toxic shock at any moment.

You don't see how things can get much worse than this.

The door finally opens, and what appears to be a nurse steps inside. She holds a clipboard, and examines it while she lets the door close behind her. "Let's see now, Miss..." Her shoulders slump marginally as her eyes reach your name. "Oh, right. The PhysCom."

You don't have the energy to ignore the change in her tone from friendly to disinterested, and simply nod. However, you feel Yoongi stiffen beside you.

The nurse lets out a brief sigh and dons a professional expression. "So, what appears to be the problem?" She directs the question to Yoongi.

"We think her birth control implant isn't working." Yoongi explains, his eyes darting furtively between you and the nurse. "She, um… she reached orgasm."

You flush at the memory, ashamed of your failure to adhere to even the most basic of rules set before you.

The nurse makes a noncommittal noise and jots something down. "Says here it’s an Opticon. And you didn't turn it off, sir?"

He shakes his head.

The nurse touches the end of her pen to her mouth, a note of sympathy forming in her eyes. Not for you, but for Yoongi. "How long have you had her?"

"Excuse me?" Yoongi raises an eyebrow.

The nurse tucks the clipboard under her arm, giving him a weary, patient smile. “With PhysComs, we have a list of probable scenarios we’re supposed to check for, to better inform the doctor of the situation, and speed along the treatment process.”

She barely spares you a glance before returning her attention to Yoongi, her voice lowered just a fraction. “It’s not uncommon for newly hired female PhysComs to try and… well, intentionally get pregnant from their clients. Especially if those clients have any amount of wealth or status.”

Yoongi seems lost for words.

She nods as if to agree with his surprise. “It’s some psychosis associated with the job,” she says with a shrug, then straightens her posture once more. “So has she been acting strangely at all? What are her symptoms?”

Your ears burn a bit at being talked about like you’re not in the room, but this isn’t the first time you’ve been in such a position. Oftentimes checkups during training were the same way, the physicians would speak exclusively among themselves and Madame while they examined every inch of you, inside and out.

Yoongi, however, is not used to such an experience.

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?” He says, in a voice much calmer than you would have expected. But one glance at his face tells you all you need to know. His eyes are burning like hot coals. Molten and dangerous.

The nurse doesn’t pick up on his irritation, and busily flips through the pages on her clipboard. “I need reliable information, sir. If you please,” she prompts him.

You can feel Yoongi’s hand clench around yours, and you turn to quiet him.

“It’s okay,” you murmur, hoping to reassure him enough so he’ll talk to her, but he stands his ground, his eyes glued on the nurse.

“Get out,” Yoongi says.

The nurse does a double take. “Excuse me, sir?”

“I said get the fuck out of here.” He points to the door. “Send us someone who will actually help.”

She fumes silently for a moment, but decides not to argue with him, and heads for the door in a huff.

Yoongi scoffs as you two are left alone once more. “What the fuck kind of bedside manner was that supposed to be?” He mutters, staring at the door.

“It’s okay.” You place a hand on his arm.

“No, it’s not.” He’s adamant, and you sigh wearily. How do you explain that this is only what can be expected?

You pick out a few haphazard words from the maelstrom in your brain, too tired to find the best phrasing. “Medical personnel… they don’t really get it.”

“Get what?” He asks, turning to you in outrage. “Being a fucking decent human being?”

You flinch, withdrawing your hand. You’re too tired to try and get your point across. But he notices you wilt and immediately comes closer, lowering his voice and placing both his hands on your arms. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs, the edge of anger fading away to gentleness. Kindness. “What do you mean?”

You sigh, looking off to the side. You don’t deserve to have him look at you like that.

You carefully remove his hands, trying to maintain some semblance of a professional distance, even in the face of disaster. “Most hospitals don’t look favorably at PhysComs. We were given a few lectures about it in training. We use up their resources and time that could instead be given to patients who didn’t willingly put themselves at risk.”

You remember how your fellow trainees had reacted after those discussions. Many of them found the treatment to be unfair, but you yourself felt that, in a way, the medical field’s viewpoint was reasonable. Your choices are what landed you here.

“What the- what are you talking about?” He huffs, still seemingly in the dark. “You didn’t ask for this… this scare. It wasn’t your fault.” He tries to meet your eyes, but your gaze is fixed firmly to the linoleum floor.

A mirthless smile paints your lips. “But I chose this life. And these risks along with it.”

Before he can question you further, the door bursts open and Kim Namjoon enters the room, both his dress shirt and his hair are rumpled, and his eyes are frantic. “Sweetheart?” He rushes to your side and crushes you in a hug. “Are you alright?”

You hear Yoongi let out a breath of relief. “She’s okay, for the moment.”

Something about the way Namjoon holds you feels like a lamp being held against your cold skin. You’re too damp inside to light a flame yourself, but his own body warms you from the outside in the meantime. You want to let yourself enjoy it, but the memory of your unresolved questions leaves you limp in his arms, filled with nothing but misery and confusion.

He pulls back after a moment, checking you over for signs of injury. His eyes are wide with concern. “What happened? Tell me everything.”

A flare of shame rises up in you at the notion of telling Namjoon about your rule-breaking and everything that occured since this morning.

Thankfully, Yoongi seems to sense your hesitance, and he fills in most of the pieces for Namjoon. Namjoon’s expression remains stoic as Yoongi recounts what happened - you being brought home unconcious, seducing Yoongi - up until the mention of your orgasm. Namjoon’s jaw slackens slightly at this, and his eyes scan your face, searching for something.

It’s at this moment that the doctor walks in, a different nurse at his side. He’s a slightly older man, a few wrinkles creasing his brow, and a smile that appears kind until it lands on you. His face is then tinged with that same indifference that most medical professionals give you.

You wish it was your usual physician, but since this was an emergency, you didn’t have time to take the trip to your usual practice. Whatever hospital is nearest, that’s what Yoongi had told the driver.

The man turns to Namjoon, who arguably commands more presence than Yoongi, and the kindness returns. “Sorry for the delay. Busy night. From what I understand, your PhysCom has malfunctioned, is that correct?”

“Her Opticon malfunctioned, yes.” Namjoon corrects him. His diplomatic tendencies are a blessing right now. You just want to know if you’re pregnant or not. You want to know if you’re losing your job. You want to go home.

The doctor runs a few physical tests on you, feeling your breasts, peering down your throat, and examining your vaginal canal, checking for any other symptoms of malfunction from your Opticon. “All’s well so far.” He says, pulling his forefingers out of you, snapping off his gloves, and disposing of them. “May I take a look at the ComGear?”

You feel a flash of panic, waking you out of your stupor. Fuck, was it still in the group chat? You pull out the slim device, heart hammering as you check. Nope. Just settings. Thank god.

You hand it over, and then remember with a looming feeling of dread exactly why it might have been left on the settings page...

“You do so much for us, jagiya.” Taehyung keeps his hands braced on your arms, his thumb rubbing gently against your skin. “You’re always there for us. Always giving… Now it’s time for you to receive.”

“I’m sorry! It’s my fault-” Jimin’s eyes fall to your compromising position, Yoongi’s dick still out, your leaking core exposed, and claps a hand over his mouth. He looks like he might cry. “Oh no...”

The pieces fall into place, and there’s no doubt in your mind. They must have switched it off.

But why? Why, why, why…?

The doctor - you’re too frazzled to read his nametag - pulls out a pair of reading glasses and takes a look at your ComGear, poking around the device with his pointer finger. “Hm. Strange.” He squints. “The Opticon does appear to be switched off.”

Namjoon blinks. “That’s impossible.”

“I’m afraid that’s the case.” The doctor shows him the setting, the toggle very much in the off position. Namjoon takes the device and looks at it in shock.

The doctor coughs. “I know that, um… for some individuals, the temptation and the… risk associated with no protection during intercourse can be sexually arousing. It’s not the first time we’ve gotten a case like this.”

He removes his glasses, folding them back into his pocket. “However, I would remind you and anyone else who uses this one’s services that although Physical Companions may be virtually expendable, it can become quite expensive for your own sake to impregnate them on a whim, using and discarding them, what with the standard fees for breaching their contract and-”

“Thank you, Doctor.” Namjoon interrupts him, and you notice the iron grip he now has on Yoongi’s arm. Likely the only thing restraining him from throwing a punch. “We’ll be more careful.” Namjoon glances at you, confusion making a little crease between his brows. “Is there some sort of morning after pill she can take, or…?”

“I’m afraid the lingering effects of the Opticon implant render any outside hormone blockers ineffective.” The doctor says, his smile turning thin. “It’s a bit of a blessing and a curse. The hormone production and ovulation suppressant in the Opticon normally make the chance of fertilization zero percent while in use. After it’s switched off, chances are still fairly low at 30 percent, for up to 24 hours. But the chances of fertilization after taking a morning after pill are significantly lower than that, at only five percent.”

He shrugs. “We’ll just have to wait and see. Chances are, your PhysCom will be right as rain and ready to pleasure clients again in about a week.”

A week.

First a week of suspension on Namjoon’s terms… Now it’s on medical advisement.

“A week? What should we do until then?” Namjoon voices your very thoughts, Yoongi seething silently beside him.

“Well, we won’t have any results until three to five days from now.” The man clarifies. “But I highly recommend you leave the implant switched off and keep her on traditional contraceptives until we know for sure. I strongly recommend utilizing other PhysComs in the meantime, just to be safe.”

You’re finished.

The doctor hands Namjoon a paper bag, most likely containing birth control pills and condoms. “She may be somewhat volatile for the next few days. You can bring her in for another checkup in a week.”

You’re weak.

“Thank you.”

You’re numb.

-------

It was a silent car ride back to the house, and as Namjoon helps you step out of the vehicle, one hand holding yours for stability while the other rests on your lower back, you can’t help feeling utterly useless. Detached from your surroundings.

What’s the point of any of this now? There’s no way they’ll want to use you until this is resolved. You’re of no use to them as a sex toy until at least a week from now, and by then it’ll be far too late to earn their favor back.

“We need to have a meeting. Call the others into the living room.” Namjoon speaks to Yoongi in an undertone, and you feel a small ache of hope. Maybe things will work out if everyone just talks to each other.

But when you enter the house and Namjoon begins to steer you upstairs, you finally find your voice.

“No.” You resist against him, turning around at the base of the stairs. “No, I want to be part of the meeting.”

The surprise quickly fades from his face, instead turning to concern. “You need to rest."

Something about the look on his face, about being told yet again through his actions that this doesn’t concern you, it causes something inside you to snap, your apathy vanishing in the wake of this new beast beginning to rear its ugly head within you.

Your throat closes up and a scream erupts from your aching chest. "You don't know what I need!"

Namjoon matches your desperation with an infuriatingly patient look of sympathy. He approaches you, his hand outstretched, but you stagger back away from him. He smiles sadly and drops his hand. "Stay here. It's what's best for you."

What's best for you.

The words throb in your mind, like the memory of an old wound. They bounce listlessly off the walls of your grandiose prison long after Namjoon shuts the door, sealing you away again.

You don't know what comes over you as you see visions of launching yourself at the door, pounding and scratching at the wood like a wild animal.

You could just open the door and follow him downstairs. Some part of you does register that.

But you want them to hear you. You want them to hear you rip your throat raw as you exorcise your demons.

You blink and you're standing still.

You haven't moved.

Your spacious room feels stifling. Like the walls are closing in on you, suffocating you.

Silken ropes sway in the dusk, catching your eye from beyond the balcony window. Your escape route from earlier that day.

You don't think twice before stuffing a few meager belongings into the long forgotten backpack kicked beneath your bed.

You need to leave this place.

You can't stay here.

-------

It had started drizzling not long after you left the house, and even now as you sit on the damp curbside, waiting for the next bus to take you far away from this place, it strikes you as funny, in a way, that the weather is crying for you, since you can't muster any tears of your own.

It's cold and misty, a foreboding atmosphere, by all accounts. It makes you question if what you're about to do is the right call.

But you shut down the arguments in your head as quickly as they appear.

Second guessing was what had gotten you into this situation. You need to follow your instincts.

And your instincts are telling you to flee.

It won't be so bad, you try to convince yourself. After the first night on the road, you'll eventually find a new town, a new home, a new place for yourself in this fucked up world. You've done it before, you can do it again.

You're considering suitable aliases for your new persona, when you sense another person approaching, their shoes tramping through the wet grass.

You don't look up at them, hoping they'll pass by and leave you alone. But they come to a stop beside you.

You keep your gaze on the road, droplets rippling the puddled potholes.

Then the stranger goes to sit on the curb too, and you can't help but look at them.

You'd recognize those lips anywhere, even beneath a baggy hooded sweatshirt.

"It's a bit late to run errands, don't you think?" Seokjin says, pulling his sleeves down to keep out the chill as he perches beside you.

He glances at you, then looks ahead at the road, the same way you were. You return your gaze forward, too exhausted to make a run for it. Though you don't get the sense that he would chase after you, even if you tried to escape.

Maybe that's exactly why you decide to stay put, but you don't give the suspicion any more thought.

"What do you want?" You finally ask, your voice croaky from being silent for so long.

"Nothing."

"Liar," you mutter, hugging your knees to your chest. "Everyone wants something."

He chuckles. Rests back on his hands. "I guess you're right about that."

Damn right you are. You didn't study the human condition through your years of training to be fooled so easily by pretty words.

"So?" You prompt him, still staring at the dreary horizon.

He takes a moment to respond. The silence is punctuated by the distant noises of traffic, an occasional car passing by, its headlights shimmering in the mist before disappearing down the road.

“The others are all out looking for you, you know,” he says simply. “Why do you think that is?”

If it were anyone else that had run away - their manager, a friend - you know what the answer would be. Because they care about that person. But how can you believe that about yourself, when you know you can never amount to anyone with that level of importance to them?

Ironic, since you’re the person with which they can be most intimate and vulnerable.

“I’m a liability,” you reply halfheartedly.

His silence serves to confirm your suspicions. A runaway PhysCom? Far too risky for a group at their level. You could become one of those anonymous sources like you saw in the news. A firsthand account of the BTS members’ secret sexual urges. Unacceptable. Snatches of words from the NDA you signed buzz around the edges of your mind like stray flies.

But since you're no longer connected to your network, then your tracker is probably disconnected. If the bus had come just a little earlier, you might already have escaped without a trace.

“You really think that’s the only reason?” Seokjin’s voice pulls you back to the moment.

His abysmal attempt to divert from the problem gets a hollow laugh out of you.

“Any other reason has ulterior motives. It’s just business.” You check the time on your ComGear. The bus should be here any minute. “I’m leaving, and I won’t let you stop me.”

“I don’t intend to,” he agrees, to your surprise. “God knows you’ve been put through enough.” He then leans forward, resting his forearms across his legs. “But for what it’s worth, you deserve to know the truth.”

Your ears perk up at this.

Seokjin seems to take your silence as permission to continue. “The reason we decided to suspend you. It wasn’t… entirely selfless.”

You purse your lips in irritation and fix your gaze upon the horizon, settling your chin beneath your crossed arms. “Right. Ulterior motives, like I said.”

He clicks his tongue. “Touche.”

You wait for him to continue, but he doesn't.

Your curiosity gets the better of you.

“So, what… were you planning to replace me?” You ask, trying to sound contemptuous. “I heard you all having your little group meeting in the kitchen. There are plenty of shiny new whores at your disposal, take your pick.”

He still makes no noise.

You wait, preparing to accept a bitter confirmation of all your fears.

But then he finds his voice. “We could never replace you, dear.”

You stop. Look over at him. His eyes are half lidded, his smile bittersweet as he stares off into the distance. After a few moments, he fishes around in his pocket and pulls something out, then hands it to you.

His smartphone.

“Here,” he murmurs, sympathy in the quirk of his lips. “In case you need to call anyone. Those devices they give you don’t have a cell plan, I assume.”

He seems to sense your wariness, and waves the phone a bit in a gesture of insistence. “I can buy a dozen new ones. It’s no trouble.”

You very hesitantly take it. “Thanks.”

Of course, he has no way to know that your ComGear is now jailbroken, for all intents and purposes. But… is this a trap? What if there’s a tracker in the phone? But why would he need to put a tracker in it if he doesn’t know your ComGear is off the grid?

The rumble of an approaching motor pulls you out of your cyclical thoughts, and you get on your feet, slowly coming out of your dissociative sulk.

But you still feel numb. Nothing matters anymore.

Nothing at all.

Jin gets up along with you, slipping his hands into his hoodie pocket. “Stay safe, alright?”

You give a brief nod of acknowledgment, only half in his direction as you shrug your bag onto your shoulder more securely. The hydraulics of the bus screech as the vehicle comes to a stop and lowers slightly, allowing you to step onboard.

You glance back, fully expecting Jin to stop you. But he doesn’t. He blinks raindrops out of his eyes while you board, and gives you a small smile once the doors close behind you. He lifts a hand in farewell, then turns and starts to walk away down the street.

He’s really letting you go.

You pay your fare and find a seat towards the back of the nearly empty bus. Rain pelts at the windows, picking up in earnest, and it feels like yet another layer, another barrier, separating yourself and creating an ever-growing chasm from the life you knew up until yesterday.

You pull out Jin’s phone, staring at the dark screen and wiping away stray raindrops from the surface with your sleeve. Why had he come to find you, if not to stop you?

“But for what it’s worth, you deserve to know the truth.”

Maybe he felt guilty. Or remorseful for the hell you’ve been put through recently. You would normally have felt immense satisfaction at such a thought.

But you can’t feel much of anything right now.

You don’t think you’ll be able to feel properly again. At least not for a long, long time…

Hm? The screen lit up. You must have pressed a button by accident. You swipe at it again, and to your surprise it unlocks. Who doesn’t put a passcode on their phone?

Is it possible… he disabled it before he gave it to you? Maybe. Whatever. You’re so tired of thinking, playing investigator and second guessing people’s motivations.

You scroll over to the phone icon, and tap on it, briefly considering calling your parents. But the wetness on your fingers messes with the touchscreen and you open the messages app instead.

You’re about to wipe the screen and try again, but… the most recent messages are… all about you. You tap on the group chat among the seven of them, currently bustling with activity.

[ Kim Namjoon ]: has anyone found her [ Park Jimin ]: hyung I’m so sorry [ Park Jimin ]: it’s all my fault [ Min Yoongi ]: she’s not at the studio [ Kim Namjoon ]: we’ll talk about it later Jimin [ Kim Namjoon ]: everyone keep looking [Jeon Jungkook]: manager said they can call her network to track her down [Kim Taehyung ]: should we do that? [ Jung Hoseok ]: no! she could get in trouble :( [ Min Yoongi ]: she’s not a stray pet [ Kim Namjoon ]: exactly [ Kim Namjoon ]: we need to keep this quiet for her sake [Kim Taehyung ]: she hasn’t replied to my texts or calls [ Min Yoongi ]: me neither [Jeon Jungkook]: hyung... will she be okay? [ Kim Namjoon ]: everything will be fine don’t worry [ Kim Namjoon ]: we’re going to fix this somehow [ Min Yoongi ]: whatever it takes [ Jung Hoseok ]: where could she have gone... [ Park Jimin ]: what if she doesn’t come back?

You scroll further up, past days and weeks and months of texts between them… not even a day between mentions of you. Wondering if you’re alright. Hoping you’ve eaten enough. Wanting to do more with you.

The thread of texts Jimin sent to Seokjin just yesterday.

Hyung I wish things were different I want to hold her I want to tell her she’s enough I wish I could kiss her… I think I love her Do you ever feel that way?

And Seokjin’s reply.

I do I know just what you mean Why do you think I turned those secondaries away last night, hm? No one can compare She really is special…

He didn’t… fuck the secondaries? After you broke at dinner, he… didn’t...?

You switch to his thread with Namjoon from a few days ago.

I know you’re our leader but I don’t think this is the way to go You need to be more cautious

Namjoon’s reply.

What we need is action, hyung If we work together on this, we could get rid of these unnecessary rules We could all have what we want Including her It’s what’s best for everyone

Seokjin took several minutes to reply.

You’re going to lose her.

Jin knew. He tried to talk Namjoon out of writing that stupid essay, or maybe it was about your suspension.

Either way, he defended you.

You open his thread with Hoseok. Dimly, you recognize that you shouldn’t be snooping, but you’re too absorbed to stop.

Hyung, I think she really wants this All of us ♡ I don’t know how, but we need to show her that it’s okay That we want it just as much

How do you know that’s what she wants?

I can’t say ♡ But I know now She wouldn’t reject us Our feelings She feels something too

The date and time lines up with this morning. The morning after he made love to you.

He didn’t tell them. He kept your secret.

“Our feelings”? What does he mean? Him, Jimin, Taehyung… Seokjin? Do they all…?

Your head spins, the hollowness of your heart filling with a rush of jumbled emotions, like a tide crashing in. All your numbness is washed out with light, just a pinprick at first, that grows rapidly into a ray of warmth as you consider what all this could mean. The chasm starts to narrow, and you get the urge to jump ship, to turn back and figure this shit out. To know once and for all what they want from you. What you mean to them.

But how can you trust this isn’t a trap? How can you be sure?

The answer is as simple as they come.

You can’t.

You can’t be absolutely certain that their intentions are pure… that this is the right thing to do… that you won’t be hurt again.

But maybe... trust isn’t about being infallible. Being right. Being sure.

Maybe it’s built on what ifs. On trying again, even with no guarantees.

Guarantees are only as good as their word, and talk is cheap. Lies are easy. Your Opticon had a 100% guarantee, and look where that got you.

But you remember the way Hoseok held you that night, and made love to you like you’ve never felt in your life... When Jimin kissed his way down your body, with only the best of intentions. Namjoon’s strong arms embracing you when you felt powerless. Yoongi’s hand never leaving yours, even while you waited in the hospital. Jungkook carrying you home after you fainted, breaking your door to make sure you were safe in bed. The look in Taehyung’s eyes when he finally kissed you, breaking the ice you’d been growing around your heart.

How Seokjin let you go.

Maybe...

You get up with a start, rush to the front of the bus, and hastily ask the driver to let you off, much to the old man’s disgruntlement, but the moment the doors whoosh open, you take off at a run.

You want to go home.

You want to try again.

No matter how much you try to bury it, to forget the way they make you feel, you care about them. All of them. On a much deeper level than that of a PhysCom and client. And it scares you.

But you’re done running from fear. From uncertainty.

Now you’re running towards it willingly, as you give chase down the torrential streets, searching for that familiar hooded figure and hoping you’re not too late. You’re embracing the doubt, the fear, the uncertainty, the paranoia... letting their shadowy claws sink into you until they can’t hurt you anymore. Until they fade away, cowering under the glow of your determination.

You’re setting some new rules for yourself, no longer letting fear control your thoughts and actions, barring you from any chance of happiness.

You see Seokjin in the distance, trudging home through the pouring rain. You run faster.

You’re fucking terrified. But you’ve never felt so free in your life.

“Jin!” You shout to get his attention, still a block away. He turns around, and shakes his head, seemingly confused, but a smile starts to appear. You smile too.

Finally, you catch up to him, and without warning, you throw your arms around his shoulders. Damn, he’s always taller than you remember.

He laughs, shocked by your change of heart. “What are you doing?”

“I want to hear you say it.” You reply, looking up at him as rain dashes down your face. You don’t know when you started crying, but you’re grateful to the weather for masking your tears.

“Say what?” He asks, his hands resting on your waist to support you. Thunder rumbles in the distance, rain sliding down his perfect face.

“How you feel about me.” You reply, studying his eyes. “Be honest.”

He seems to sense the gravity in your words. He holds you closer. His eyes soften.

“I think I’ve fallen in love with you.”

For the first time since all of this started, you sense no deception in his words, no double meaning, no hidden agenda.

Because you aren’t searching for reasons to doubt this time.

You’re searching for reasons to trust, and you find them.

You want to kiss him. So you do.

#bts #bts smut #bts fanfic #bts x reader smut #bts x reader #bts fanfiction #bts ot7 #bts ot7 smut #bts smut fic #bts fic rec #yoongi x reader #namjoon x reader #seokjin x reader #thank you all for waiting ;w;

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theglitterypages · 3 years

Text

Haikyuu Boys As Your Boyfriend

******

Bokuto Koutaro

•He's a big baby

•He's the type of boyfriend to hug you all the time, he loves warmth and affection so please be generous enough to give him those.

•Clingy but not in an annoying way, you'll jusy feel like you have a boyfriend and at the same time, a son (LOL)

•Bokuto is the type of person who will always apologize first after arguments. Arguments will be very rare though, because when it comes to you he'll always listen.

•Kou is probably an insecure boyfriend, he thinks more men are much cooler than him that's why he's always working hard to improve himself.

•He's the type of boyfriend who will definitely avoid making you jealous, he'll limit his interactions with women because he doesn't like it when you're jealous, you're cute when you're being jealous but he's afraid that you might leave him.

•Loves kissing you

•He will always tell you how much he loves you.

•Your picture is his wallpaper and lockscreen.

•His IG, FB, Twitter or any other social media platforms is full of you, your pictures. messages for you and stuffs.

•Bokuto is your diary, he loves listening to your rants, it doesn't matter if you guys aren't together, just call him and he's always ready to listen.

•He's the type of boyfriend who will always brag about you, he's just so proud of everything you achieve. It doesn't matter how big or small the achievement is, he will celebrate it no matter what happen.

~°~°~°~°~°~°

“Baby Bear!” you opened your arms widely as you ran towards your boyfriend. Bokuto lifted you off the ground, he kissed the tip of your nose before putting you down. “I miss you, baby.” he told you as he let his hands rest on your hips.

“I miss you too, sorry if I don't have much time Kou.” you apologized and he just pulled you closer for a hug, “Shh it's fine. I know you're busy, but how's your tests?” he asked.

You looked at him with sad eyes and the poor baby panicked, not knowing what to do, “What? Did you fail? It's alright baby, I'm proud of you, I know how you worked hard for this.” he pressed his lips on yours with a smile, he cupped your face and let his forehead rest on yours before kissing you for another time, much longer than the first one.

“I almost got my exams perfect baby!”

“You scared me! But I know you can do it!” he laughed and showered kisses on your face as he keep on saying how much he loves you and that he's so proud of you.

“HEY, HEY, HEY! MY GIRLFRIEND IS THE PRETTIEST AND THE SMARTEST GIRLFRIEND EVER! SHE ACED HER EXAMS!”

~°~°~°~°~°~°

Kageyama Tobio

•Cold at the beginning of the relationship

•Kags is not yet used to physical contacts so don't expect much at first.

•But as the time passes by, he'll start wondering how it feels like to keep you in his arms for a long time so he will try and do it once when you two are studying in his house.

•Because Kags loves how warm and comfy it is to hug you, he'll start hugging you a lot (not in public though, he will be so shy)

•He's the type of boyfriend who'll fall asleep while watching movies (Forgive him, playing volleyball is hard)

•He wouldn't call you baby, babe or other endearments but he loves it when you give him one. His favorite endearment? LOVE

•Kags is a supportive boyfriend, he's the first one to cheer you up if you're sad.

•He's sharp as hell so he would always notice if you're not feeling well once he notice that he will do everything he can to make you smile or to make you feel better.

•Loves it when you keep on asking him to carry you.

•He loves the fact that you're shorter than him (Readers, if you're taller than Kags sorry😭)

•He would always walk you home.

•Sweetest thing he do for you? Taking care of your fingernails 💅🏻 he would definitely watch tutorials in applying nail polish. He also takes care of his fingernails so he wanted to do the same for you.

•When it comes to kisses it also take him some time to kiss you, he always wondered how it feels like to kiss you but he doesn't want to creep you out so he'll behave for quite some time.

°~°~°~°~°~°~°

“Tobio, you used the wrong method for this equation.” you called him out, Kageyama was quick to look at the problem that you're pointing out and his mouth gaped open as he realized his mistake. “Sorry, I'll do it again.” you giggled and showed him your homework, “Look at mine and compare it to yours, both methods are similar but they will have different answers so beware.” Kageyama started revising his answer while you continued studying for the another subject.

When he was done he looked at you just to see you so focused on what you're doing, you were pouting while answering your own homework and he couldn't help but stare at your pinkish lips.

You two have been dating for almost a year and you two haven't kissed because Kageyama is too shy to make the first move but right now he couldn't help but be tempted.

“Y/N, look at me.”

When you looked up at him, he immediately grabbed your nape and pressed his lips on yours. He was still unsure of how to do it but he did his best and boy, Kags is not too bad for a first timer.

When he pulled away you couldn't help but look at him completely dumbfounded. He will chuckle on your expression and will lean down to press his lips on yours for the second time.

“I love you.” he whispered.

~°~°~°~°~°~°~°

Kuro Tetsuro

•The type of boyfriend who acts like a Dad (no one can change my mind)

•Kuro will definitely keep on reminding you that eating vegetables is good for you.

•He will monitor your sleeping routine. He would even buy scented candles for you to help you sleep.

•He's so smart so expect him to help you in studying.

•Kuro is addicted to kisses, he will always do everything in his power to steal a kiss from you even if it's in front of his teammates.

•He will tease you a lot for being smaller than him but once you get pissed he'll stop and he will keep on bugging you until you finally agree to forgive him.

•He will always talk about you, in fact he never shuts up about you to the point that Kenma is asking you what kind of love spell did you put in Kuro. He'll politely ask you to decrease the effect of the ‘love spell’

•Kuro loves pinching your cheeks (it hurts so you will get mad) once you get mad he'll be showering kisses all over your face and will talk to you in a baby voice saying things like, “Oh look at baby YN looking so cute with red cheeks. Sorry baby, come here I'm gonna kiss the pain away.”

•What is the sweetest thing that Kuro did to you? He installed a period tracker app on his phone, so he can remember your cycle. If you're on your period, expect Kuro to be extra gentle. He won't tease you or anything, he will buy you snacks and he will always check up on your mood.

~°~°~°~°~°~°

“YN, the captain of volleyball club is looking for you.” says one of your classmates. You smiled at your classmate and nod but before you could stand up from your seat, Kuro is already in front of you, “How're you feeling? Do you want to go home? Internet says ginger tea is good for reducing nausea during period.” your eyes widened and you covered his mouth using your hands.

“You don't have to announce to everyone that I'm on my period Tetsu!” you whispered yell and he gently removed your hands from his mouth. “Okay, calm down. Sorry, I know that there's a whole lot scientific process going on inside you, I understand your outburst. I brought snacks for you.” he lifted the plastic bag on his left hand and smiled at you.

You were about to smile back at him but you realized something, “How did you know I'm on my period?” Kuro blinked for a few times before clearing his throat, “I saw the period tracker on your phone, I installed the same thing on mine so I can monitor your period. My Mom told me periods are uncomfortable and painful so I just want to do what I can for my dearest girlfriend.” your heart melted at that and you started crying, Kuro's eyes widened as he pulled you close to his chest.

“Shh, baby what did I do?”

“Nothing. It's just that...I love you so much.”

“Oh experts believe that the drop in estrogen and progesterone, which occurs after ovulation, triggers mood swings during or before your period.” Kuro whispered as he caress your back gently. You sniffed and hugged him tighter still crying because you just felt so loved. “These hormones reduce production of serotonin, a chemical neurotransmitter, it's natural to be emotional, baby.” you looked up at your boyfriend and when you saw how serious he was you just couldn't help but laugh.

“You're such a nerd. God, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

~°~°~°~°~°~°

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straykidsworldwild · 3 years

Text

Duskwood

Phil Hawkins x MC

Part 3 : MC calls Phil. The next night, as she was going to the bar, someone crosses her path which unpleases her. She rushes to the Aurora and that's where another chapter of her life begins.

Warning : little swearing 🙈

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Heyy guys!! How are you? 😁 So sorry this part took so long to be published. Pardon me. Hope you'll like it! 😁

(I don't own the pics, I just made the collage. Credit goes to the creators of Duskwood and owners of the pics.)

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I take a deep breath in and out as I do a messy bun. I feel like I am getting ready for a marathon. My heart is already beating stronger and faster than normal and I haven't pressed the calling button yet. It's crazy how he makes me feel even when he isn't here, next to me… Just a thought of him and it makes my heart racing. I wonder how he feels when I'm close to him, talking to him, or just when someone mentions me. Does he even think about me sometimes? I know Phil is pretty confident about himself but that doesn't mean he cannot feel nervous, right? Anyway... I have a call to make. Alright, one last deep breath in and out and… Oh, you're such an idiot, MC… I'm so nervous that I'm calling the Aurora instead of his phone… I hope he is still at his bar.

- "Hello?" I hear Phil's voice echoing right after he answered. At least I know he is still there... His voice is so restful and deep. I smile just by this simple note coming from his voice.

- "Hi, I'd like to talk with Mr. Aurora", I answered the man, sounding playful as I let a small chuckle out.

- "MC" calls me, Phil, chuckling back. Oh God... You're not allowed to do that! My smile grows as I can picture him just by hearing him chuckling. It's so contagious... "Wait, before you say anything, I'm so sorry about..." He suddenly tells me which surprised me. He spoke so fast...

- "Phil, I'm not upset or mad or anything. Don't worry. It wouldn't be right of me to be upset with you anyway.", I immediately reply to the man, interrupting him. I do not want him to feel guilty or awkward about what happened. There's no need for that...

- "Why not? That girl literally shamed you and flirted with me in front of you." He tells me back, sounding confused as to why I am not angry. I mean… I guess there's reason to be upset but not angry. But are they worth being said out loud right now? I'm not sure...

- "Well, one, you're free to have whatever kind of relationship you want. I don't have a word to say about that. And two, we're not together so I don't see why it should matter." I answer to Jessy's brother which didn't sound that harsh in my head. I close my eyes and hit my face with my hand. Why did I say that? He's going to think I am not in for something with him or that I might have moved on from trying something with him. But then, do I want something with him? Am I ready to be in a relationship with Phil despite the kind of man he is? I mean, he can change… Right? Well, he already changed, right? For a moment, a dead silence takes place in the phone call. "Are you still there?" I ask Phil, my voice sounding faint compared to before.

- "Yeah, yeah... I was just deep in thoughts." He responds to me, sounding… Hurt? Disappointed? Maybe both... I couldn't tell. I let a quiet sigh out as I feel my heart beating so strongly down my chest. I need to know… Even if it scares me, even if it might not pleasure me to hear what he is going to say, I need to know.

- "Can I ask you something?" I gently demand to the boy.

- "Of course, Gorgeous" he answers softly. And the deepness of his voice is just so amazing to hear...

- "Are you being serious about... I mean... Are you really trying to... Do you really…" I sigh again but louder this time. How is he supposed to understand what I want to ask him if I can't put three words in a row? "I'm sorry, I don't know how to formulate my question." I tell him as I lightly shake my head. I'm such an idiot...

- "You want to know if I am playing with you or not?" He tells me as if he just read my thoughts. Oh... Am I this obvious?

- "Yeah. It's just... I'm having a hard time to believe that you actually want something with me. I mean... It's just easier to think that you want something from me than with me. Especially when I see the kind of girls you liked before…" I confess to the boy, telling him my worries all while hoping it doesn't make him step away from me. I don't want to lose him because I worry to much or don't open easily to him... I just need time.

- "I never said I liked them, MC." He calmly answers before hearing him blowing some smoke.

- "But you must have felt something for them, otherwise, you wouldn't have wanted a night with them." I reply to him with an unsure tone.

- "It was just physical attraction, nothing more. It's different from you. With you, it's not just the attraction, it's... It's the spark that I don't have with the others." He tells me sincerely and seriously, always sounding so calm but so sincere at the same time. I hum as I look down. I want to believe him… And maybe I do actually. But there's always this lack of confidence in me that brings me to my rational side. "I told you, MC, and I'll say it again. I love you. Now, I know what you think about me and I know what people say about me. But I don't care. And I care even less of those chicks. I only care about you." He admits to me with the same tone as before, sounding lightly desperate for me to believe him. I care about you too, Phil… More than you think, more than I certainly should. I stay quiet as I meditate on everything happening right now. There is a lot to think about. Suddenly, I hear a light sigh coming from Phil. "MC, do you trust me?" He suddenly asks me. Oh… Well...

- "Of course, Phil." I answer instantly, nodding positively even though he doesn't see me.

- "Then trust me when I say that I'll be ready to change things from me to be with you." He confesses seriously before blowing some smoke again. Change… But I don't want him to change...

- "I don't want you to change anything from you. I just... I'm just not confident enough." I tell and confess to the boy, admit my lack of confidence to him. It actually feels weird… Why am I telling him that?

- "If you let me, I'll prove to you that I really love you and that I'm not trying to play around with you. But I'll only do it if you want me to give you that proof. I'll never force you to do anything. It's your call." He says seriously and sincerely, letting me all the cards in my hands. It's my call… I smile, unable to stop it. Why do I smile in a moment like this one? How can he make me smile in a conversation like this one?

- "You're charming." I tell him which makes the boy chuckle. "I didn't give you your hug." I recall, sounding like I am kind of excusing myself to him.

- "I know. It broke my little heart." He says jokingly even though I could hear he was serious in a way. I giggle at his answer despite being sorry. "Maybe you could give it to me tomorrow night, Gorgeous." He suggests before a small pause takes place in the conversation. "Huh, you're coming to Jessy's birthday tomorrow night, right?" He asks me with an unsure tone.

- "Yes, why wouldn't I?" I demand him back, sounding confused.

- “When are your uncle's funerals?” he questions me, ignoring my questions. The funerals…? Why is he asking about that?

- “Huh... Tomorrow morning.” I begin to answer when something just comes up in my mind. Of course... “Oh, I get it. You think I shouldn't go or I wouldn't want to go to the party?” I tell him, sounding like I have just read his mind this time.

- “Well, I just thought you would have preferred to be alone, maybe? That you wouldn't be in the mood for a party.” He responds so gently and so calmly, clearly caring about my emotions. I could hear how much he cares for me just by the sound of his voice. It’s crazy…!

- “Well, I will certainly be down but, I'd rather be with my friends than alone at home, especially in a time like this one. It's not…” I let a small sigh out. “It’s not good to stay alone. And my uncle wouldn't want me to stay by myself anyway, so…” I reply to the man I have been having a crush on for so long. The pain was heard in my voice.

- “Well, you can call or send me a message if you need to talk, okay? Anytime. I'll be there for you, MC.” He answers sincerely and seriously, showing me his support.

- “Thanks, Phil. That means a lot.” I tell sincerely to the boy, cracking a smile. That warmed my heart.

- “I'm sorry but I'm going to have to hang up, Gorgeous. I need to do the closing.” He says with a disappointed tone towards himself because he needs to hang up. Oh already...

- “Sure, no problem. I'll see you tomorrow. Goodnight.” I tell him as I smile like an idiot. Again... Thank God he cannot see me...

- “See you, Gorgeous. Goodnight.” He wishes me back, letting a soft chuckle out. Oh… I keep a smile over my face and hang up. Why did I fall for an idiot like him?

~ Next day, morning ~

Next morning, I wake up and do my little ritual before getting ready. I out on a black dress with black heels but don't bother putting on the small amount of make up I usually wear. It's not necessary, I will ruin it with my cries anyway... Mom is waiting for me at her home. I told her I would pick her up before going to the funeral. I know mom is strong but I’m not sure she’ll be able to drive after the funeral. And to be fair, I’m not sure I will be able myself, but I’ll try… I have to be there for her, firstly, then myself.

~ A few hours later ~

I feel so strange. I feel like a piece of me was ripped and is missing, but at the same time, I feel relieved. I mean… I feel like my uncle is finally resting in peace and I can try to move on, live my life like he would want me to do. Though, I just can’t stop thinking about him… I want to turn the page but I'm also scared to forget him at the same time which isn't a good match. When I saw the white flowers set for my uncle's funeral, I was just so happy. They looked amazing. I just wished I could have bought those flowers for another and more joyful reason though... Anyway, maybe Phil was right to worry if I would come or not to Jessy’s birthday party tonight. I really don’t feel in the mood right now… And certainly not later either…

After dropping my mother at her home, I stayed for a moment with her. I just needed to make sure she'll be okay. And I also needed to be with my mom. I needed my mom. Anyway, I am finally on my way back home as Jessy won’t be long now. I park my car and walk up toward my little apartment. Oh… I’ve got a message.

- “Hey, MC, I’m sorry but I have to go help Cleo with something so I don’t think I’ll be able to make it in time at your home. Can we meet up at the Aurora, instead?” I read her text message which was sent an hour and a little more ago. I completely forgot to pour the sound back on so I didn't hear any of the notifications I received. "I keep my phone close to me though. So if you need to talk, I'll be there." I read her second message. A small smile comes over my lips.

- “Of course, Jessy, no problem. I’ll see you there.” I simply respond to her message as I don’t want to bother my mind right now. I don't want to talk. I guess I’ll get the chance to rest a bit before going to the party. Maybe I’ll be a little more motivated to go there after…

A few hours later, I am on my way to the Aurora to go meet up with the others. Well, I'll probably be the first one since I always come early. There’s a part of me wishing I could actually be home, lying on my sofa in front of the TV, and do nothing, and the other part is telling me, “is Phil alone right now? Will I have a heart to heart moment with him?”. Yes… I think… Yeah, I think I want to tell him that I want to give him a chance if he is really willing to have something serious. I don’t know if it is the right thing to do or not but, I need to… Live. I need to try new things. I need to challenge myself. Telling my emotions to him, how I feel about him, it’s something new. It’s just so hard to talk about how I feel most of the time. Especially saying my feelings to the boy I have a crush on since… A while now.

The streets are enveloped by the darkness of the night, but the streetlights bring some light to them. Thankfully, it's a calm night without any rain pouring down.

- “Hey!!” I hear a familiar voice screaming in my back. Not so calm now... Though the voice sounded… Off. It was a man for sure, but the person didn’t sound very "fine". He talked quite slower than a normal person would do normally and he half chew over his words. Is he drunk? I continue my way, ignoring the man. That's the best thing to do... “Hey, MC, is that you?” What? Who...? I turn quickly around to just give a glance at the person, but I don’t stop walking. Oh… My boss…? What is he doing here? “Whatever. Why don’t you come see your favorite boss, Baby Girl? You could be surprised by me.” He says in a drunk way as he points at me with a bottle. Oh… Huh… I didn't see it before. Hell no! I clear my throat, feeling uncomfortable and scared. I…

Without thinking further, I start to run away from him as I know the Aurora isn’t far from here now. It’s just a couple street corners away… I run as fast as I can, hoping to lose him. Which some chances, he is too drunk to actually run after me. Well, he did still seemed a little bit himself despite the alcohol... There! I can see the colorful light from the bar lightening the street. Please, be there.... Alone or with someone, I don’t care…. Just be there. I rush inside the Aurora and immediately close the door behind me before sticking my back against the door. I thought I was going to make a fool out of myself in front of people, but it’s empty… Though, Phil is standing behind the counter, cleaning some glasses. Breathless, I quickly lock the door and step away from it as I walk backward towards the counter.

- “Gorg…” I hear Phil calling me with his lovely voice. Though, it was quick to faint. “Did you just close my bar?” He asks me with a confused tone as he points at the door. I look up at him, fear flashing over my face. Wow, I didn’t think I was this scared actually... “MC, what's wrong?” He asks me right away with concern while walking around the counter to join my sides.

- “Phil, he's following me.” I tell him rapidly and out of breath as I walk towards him to meet him midway. Wow, I… I didn’t even control myself. It’s like my body just talked for myself, walked over to him, needing to feel this protecting feeling.

- “Wow, calm down. What are you talking about? Who's follow you?” He says calmly and seriously as his hands come grabbing my shoulders. Oh… I stare into his eyes, reading the calmness in them. Though, I can read the concern in them. Suddenly, there’s a loud thud coming from outside which made me jump and gasp, breaking eye contact with Phil. I turned around and found my boss standing outside, still holding his bottle in one hand. He managed to get here without falling? Oh God... Seriously?!

- “MC, bring your sweet little ass outside before I fire you!” I hear him yelling in the middle of the street which made me take a step back. Even with a wall and a locked door separating us, he still scares me. Phil grabs my wrist as he takes a step forward, shielding my body with his.

- “He's drunk and clearly worse than when he's sober…” I inform to the man as we notice that my boss is trying to get inside Phil’s bar. Please, don't break anything here... “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring him to your bar but…” I rapidly apologize to Phil, shaking my head negatively as I dance on my feet. I shouldn't have come here...

- “Hey, it's okay. I'm glad you actually found your way here." He tells me reassuringly and so calmly. "Stay here. It's okay.” He tells me with the same comforting tone while motioning me to not move. Huh… What is he doing? Phil goes to the front door, looking so upset. He unlocks it and opens it before stepping outside. Though, he makes sure to close it back behind him. “What can I do for you, sir?” I hear him asking seriously to the drunk man. It’s faint, but I can still hear their voices.

- “You?” Says, my boss, while rudely pointing at Phil with the bottle and frowning confused. “You work here?” He tells him with surprise as if Phil wouldn't be able or wouldn't be smart enough to work here.

- “I even own the place.” answers, Phil, crossing his arms over his chest.

- “Right... Look, I'm not goin' to bother you 'ny longer. Just tell me where the little wh**e is?” Then asks, my drunk boss, half screaming in the middle of street. I'm actually pretty sure he doesn't notice that he talks so loudly. Wow... He definitely doesn't know what pet names are...

- “Excuse me?” Questions, Phil, sounding very unpleased and like he heard him wrong. Though, I can tell that it is making his blood boiling.

- “Don't play dumb, boy. Where's she? She and I nee' to talk. If you know what I mean.” I hear my boss saying before he smirks, looking hungry for… Ugh! He’s such a pig! Knowing the thought he must have with me, I grimace with disgust. “She seems like a good little b**ch waiting to be f***ed.” He says before starting to laugh drunkenly. I knew he wasn't nice, but I never thought he had such a disgusting side...

- “Mmh... You see, I deal with clients all day long and I noticed that there are three different types. First one is the nice ones. The ones who come enjoy a drink or two and then go. Then, there are the annoying ones. They take a few drinks and start talking very loudly and getting a little bit out of line but it's still correct in a way. Finally, there are the ones that get to another level which is disrespect and being rude. Unfortunately, that happens to make me angry. Sadly, you're there right now. So I suggest you turn around and walk away while you can.” Replies politely and professionally, Phil, trying not to lose his cool despite the anger rising more and more. I know it. I see it. Just by the sight of the vein popping in his neck and the way he firmly closes his fists… His knuckles look so white...

- “Are you threatening me, boy?” questions, my boss, trying to play tough despite the fact that he struggles to stay still on his two feet.

- “No, It's just a "friendly" advice from one boss to another. Be smart. Take it. Turn around and walk away.” He tells him seriously, trying to make the man go away before it goes too far. I just hope he isn’t as stubborn as he is when he is sober… I stare at them from inside the bar, frowning with concern. This situation makes me so nervous. My boss is clearly unpleased by Phil’s words. Suddenly, the man starts screaming and draws his bottle towards Phil. Oh! The owner of the bar dodges the hit in time and pushes my boss against the wall behind him. The man is face first, kept pushed against the wall. “If you don't leave right now, I'll call the police! Want to think again?” Warns seriously and firmly, Phil, frowning with anger. Though, I can tell he is struggling to keep his anger in him. I have rarely seen Phil this mad… Honestly, it’s scary. Suddenly, my boss makes a rough move backward, his bottle hitting Phil’s ribcage. Oh! I gasp as I saw Phil bending over. My boss turns around and tries to hit Phil in the face with the bottle. Well, he isn’t as drunk as I thought… Phil steps back in time before punching him in the face. I gasp in surprise. I never saw Phil fighting before. My boss lands flat on his belly, the bottle rolling on the sidewalk. Though, he comes back up, helping himself with the wall. I can’t just watch them fight like this… I can’t watch Phil getting hurt because of me… My boss grabs Phil by the collar and pulls him before pushing him against the wall. He still has a certain strength... Though, Phil instantly pushes him back. I can’t...

- “Stop it! Now!” I scream after rapidly stepping out of the bar. I come in between the two men and separate them, forgetting what my boss could actually do. I push the drunk man away from Phil, making him stumble backwards before he catches himself on a car. Meanwhile, I place my hands on Phil’s chest as I felt him going for him. Hell no…! Enough! “Phil. Ph... Phil!” I call the boy as he tries to walk past me to get to the man. He's not angry, he's raging. Though, when I called him, imploring for him to look down at me, he stopped. His eyes met mines and softness instantly drowned them. “Stop, please. Don't enter his game.” I plead him seriously as I weakly nod.

- “I'm not letting that pig talk about you or treat you that way!” He replies with anger, looking back with dark eyes at the drunk man standing behind me. Phil takes a step forward, but again, I stop him, getting before him as I keep my hands on his chest.

- “Phil, look at me. Look at me!” I tell him seriously as I bring one hand to his cheek. Why am I doing this? Why does this feel so… Normal and right? Just with my hand on his cheek, I can feel how much the anger is boiling inside of him. I force him to look down at me. “Calm down, please.” I demand him softly, our eyes connecting a second time. The man stares at me displeased for a moment before letting a sigh out. Please, don’t do it… I didn’t notice, but I’m actually running my thumb on his cheek, as if the hope of him to calm him down will be by this simple gesture.

- “Are you going to make out now? Because I'd rather live the show than to watch it.” Comments, my boss. Gross… Disgusting… Repulsive… I slowly turn around to face the man as I stay before Phil. He is smirking as he looks at my body up and down. I’ve never felt so bad and embarrassed before. Like… He hasn’t done anything to me, but just the way he looks at me makes me feel dirtied.

- “Well, I'm going to make it easy for you, sir. I'm done. I quit. I'll come pick up my stuff tomorrow even though it isn't much.” I tell him with seriousness while frowning madly. I have to end this. My boss stares at me with a frown, processing my words.

- “You can't quit! You're working for me!” He screams back at me, half chewing on his words. As if...

- “Yes, I can!” I scream back at him which surprises him. Yeah, he must not be used to someone replying to him or going against him... “And if that doesn't please you, it's still going to be the same. I'm done being mistreated by you and by most of your clients. And if you can't accept that, maybe the police can help you like the idea. I'm sure I have enough to say against you.” I tell him with a reminding tone, raising my voice lightly but not as loud as he talks to me and keeping that firm tone. I don’t know where this confidence comes from, but it feels… Powerful. Maybe because I know Phil is here and has my back? I don’t know… My boss stares at us two so madly before he looks away. “Oh, and by the way, you owe me at least 4.000$ of pay for all the extra hours I did. I better have them soon if you don't want this to go to justice.” I remind him seriously, pointing at him with my finger. I feel like a tea pot. Everything I've been wanting to say to him, I say them.

- “You were i'competent 'nyway. 'nable to do one thing righ'. I won't be losing much.” He replies at me with a mad tone, almost looking relieved that I’m quitting. I watch him dancing on his feet, almost tripping over his own feet.

- “Exactly, and you were bringing absolutely nothing to me so it looks like we're both winning. Me a little more.” I answer to the man, keeping my firm and mad tone against him. Without saying another word, my boss just scoffs before he turns around to leave. Oh… First time he actually backs down in front of someone… Anyway, he'll far away now. I turn around to look back at Phil, watching him holding his ribs. Oh… “Oh God, are you okay?” I demand him with a worried tone as I try to hide my guilt. It’s because of me if he is hurt...

- “Yeah... He wasn't as drunk as I thought.” Answers, Phil, looking down at me with a light frown. Though, it is not a mad frown or else, he seems more.... Worried or concerned. But relieved at the same time, weirdly… I frown sadly before I look down at his free hand.

- “Come with me.” I tell him gently while taking his hand in mine. “Let me help you” I tell him while helping him get inside. Well… I’m not sure he needs help but still, I just feel the need to help him. He literally saved me from my boss.

- "Thanks, Gorgeous”, he says as he lets me lead him back to the bar. I close the door behind Phil and let him take place on a chair. While sitting, I hear him groaning lightly before he clears his throat, as if he didn’t want me to hear him in pain. Right, I should get him some ice. I walk over to the counter and go behind it. So it should be… Here! “You even know where ice is.” He tells me with an impressed tone as he lets a small chuckle out. How does he know I looked for that? That chuckle… It’ll be my death.

- “I've watched you worked behind that bar countless times. It's not hard to guess where the stuff is.” I respond to the boy as I come back to him, holding a cloth with ice in it. “Let me…” I tell him while sitting across from him. I gently and lightly lift his shirt up just to see if it has bruised or not yet. It’s starting to get bruised... I let a guilty sigh out before pulling his shirt back down. I place the cloth over it and delicately press on it. Phil lightly winces because of the pain and the cold touching his skin as he looks away. “I'm sorry. I didn't…” I begin to apologize to the man as I avoid his eyes.

- “It's okay.” he interrupts me as I feel him looking at him. I know he is. “It's not your fault. And at least I know you won't see that dick anymore.” he says with a satisfied and relieved tone.

- “Honestly, it feels like I just threw an enormous weight off my shoulders. It feels good. Thanks to you.” I admit to the man I have been crushing on for so long as I let a small smile appear on my face. He smiles back while weakly nodding.

- “What are you going to do now?” He asks me with curiosity.

- “Look for another job.” I simply answer.

- “My offer is still on, you know?” He tells me with a reminding tone. Oh… I looked up in his eyes for the first time since I’ve been holding the cloth with the ice on his wound. His offer… Working here... “If you want to work here while you look somewhere else, I'll be glad to have you here. I know you still need to pay for your college so…” He says with his calm and deep voice. How can he be so calm so easily, especially after what just happened outside his bar? My smile grows before I actually softly laugh.

- “Your job sucks so much that you're desperate for a constant distraction?” I ask sarcastically, joking around. Phil smiles and softly laughs back to my comment.

- “What can I say, I'd like to have a beautiful woman working with me. Especially you.” he answers, which makes my cheeks burn instantly. You player… I bite my lower lip without controlling myself and look up in his eyes. They are burning with flames of… Of… Such a strong emotion… Feeling. God, I love him… And those eyes that he is giving me aren’t helping at all…

- “When can I start then?” I demand him, not really knowing how I managed to ask him this without mumbling or stuttering.

- “Monday?” he proposes to me. Huh?

- “Monday... In four days?” I ask him, frowning confused after thinking for a second.

- “You deserve a little break, Gorgeous, don't you think?” He tells me seriously and so gently. He’s just so sweet and caring… I mean, he clearly wants to show who the boss is here because it is his bar, but… His calm personality and the way he behaves most of the time just seem to hide his true self. I mean, Phil is Phil and his words are sometimes raw, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think otherwise. I nod to the boy before looking down. I feel so nervous suddenly. My heart is racing like never before and I can’t take this idiotic smile off my face. What has he done to me, seriously? Suddenly, Phil gently pushes my hand and the ice from his chest and starts to get up. What…? Where is he going? What is he going to do?

- “Wait, I…” I suddenly say, grabbing his wrist. What just took me? Why did I…? I’m such a fool. And such a nervous wreck right now. I avoid his look, staring at the floor. “There's... Hum…” I have to tell him. I can’t back down anymore. I can’t flee my own feelings either anymore.

- “Are you nervous?” He asks me with a smirk while sitting back down on the chair across from me. Oh...

- “No, I... Yeah. I'm... I'm a nervous wreck right now actually. It's just... I…” I confessed to him, sounding as if I even struggle to breath now. God, I’m such an idiot, why am I stuttering like this in front of him?

- “Am I making you this nervous, Gorgeous?” He asks me in a whisper with his deep voice while slowly getting closer to my face. Oh… I don’t move as my eyes just fall on his lips. They look so soft. My breathing gets heavier instantly. I can’t look at him… I close my eyes as I breath heavily.

- “Actually... Yes…” I admit. After a few seconds, I opened my eyes again as Phil didn’t say a word. The boy has his eyes devouring my lips as the fire in them seems to have grown. “Phil, I…” I begin to whisper, trying to find the courage to say the words.

- “Phil, what? What do you want, Gorgeous?” He asks me with the same deep and calm whisper which makes me even more nervous.

- “Phil…” I whisper his name as I lock my eyes with his. They’re just so beautiful and he is just so close to me... Phil hums with his deep voice as he lightly wets his lips. Oh my… The man gets closer and closer so slowly until his forehead connects with mine. I close my eyes, enjoying how close we are right now. I can’t explain what I feel inside right now, but it’s a total mess. There are butterflies, fireworks… It’s a crazy feeling. Phil brings his hand to my cheek which feels so soft and so right. None of us move. None of us say a word. Nothing breaks this moment. I bring my hand over his, wanting him to hold me. Then, as the two of us are plunged in a deep silence, Phil suddenly pecks my lips. He… Kissed me. His lips are just so warm and soft and the kiss is so delicate. Simple but delicate. Phil pulls away from my lips and disconnects our foreheads. Though, he keeps a really, really small distance. Our eyes connect once more but none of us say a word. There’s no need. His eyes are talking for himself. He just wants to make sure I’m okay with this… I smile with happiness as I bring my hand to his neck and pull him back in for a kiss. What’s happening to me? I don’t know. I would have never done this before. I’m too shy for that. But it just feels so right, right now. Phil answers to my kiss instantly, giving the same softness and warmth than before. It’s more passionate though… The boy grabs my hands and pulls me closer to him as he rests completely on his chair. I let him guide me and sit on his lap, never breaking the kiss. Phil holds me, one hand in my back, the other on my thigh as the kiss becomes quickly heated. Suddenly, he pulls away from the kiss but only to go down my jaw and then my neck. I close my eyes and let my head lean to the side to give him more room. This feeling is just amazing! However, Phil suddenly stops kissing me, sounding just as breathless as I am.

- “Sorry, sorry... I just... We should stop before it's too... Heated. I told you, I don't want to make you do something you don't want to do now and…” He tells me out of breath and with seriousness. I look at him, noticing that he's really not playing. Especially because he stopped before going too far. This proves one more time that he really wants to try this relationship. I smile, feeling just so lucky at this moment.

- “I love you, too.” I whisper to the boy which made him look at me with surprise. He said it so many times to me but I’ve never said it back before. I never dare. I was so scared and so shy. I lean in and give him a new soft and warm kiss before taking him into my arms and letting my head in the crook of his neck. His scent is lovely. I can tell that Phil was surprised at first, but he didn’t put long to hug me back. Jessy’s brother holds me tightly, hiding his head in my neck as well, smelling my perfume. “I love you, Phil.” I whisper one more time.

- “If I knew I needed to fight with your crappy boss to hear you say it…” He says playfully which makes me softly laugh.

- “Well, actually, I was going to tell it to you tonight, anyway. I figured... I can't deny or lie about it anymore so... And I need to live my life as well, take it in my own hands... And you did prove that you want something serious with me so…” I respond to the man sincerely. I can feel my nervousness slowly fading away as I feel more and more comfortable with him. I mean, how could you not? I was starting to pull away from the hug when Phil stopped me. Oh… The man kisses my cheek delicately before kissing my lips one more time. I smile and look at him in the eyes. “Just don't break me, Phil…” I demand him, softly whispering.

- “Oh, I won't. Trust me, Gorgeous. I've been wanting you for a while now. I did lots of things to prove to you that I love you. Things I’ve never done before. The idea of me hurting you is painful. And I think that if I ever hurt you, I'll probably have all Duskwood after me.” He replies seriously to me before chuckling playfully. I chuckle back, amused.

- “Oh, I'm not sure I know that many people but... Yeah, most likely.” I answer jokingly, entering his game. The two of us laugh one more time. His smile is just so contagious. I give him one last kiss before standing up from his lap.

- “Where are you going?” He asks me, sounding disappointed that I got up from his lap.

- “The others are going to arrive soon. I don't really want them to see me taking you for a chair.” I respond with sarcasm to the man as I walk over to the bar to sit on a stool.

- “Well, I don't mind, Gorgeous. Having you sitting on my lap is kind of... Sexy.” he says with his deep voice, looking at me up and down with a smirk. I hum as I notice how hungry he actually looks. Oh boy, he’s been waiting, hasn’t he?

- “You're a naughty little devil, you know that?” I tell him while giggling.

- “Yep, but only for you, Gorgeous.” He replies with a charming tone. I place my hand over my heart before laughing.

- “Phil!” I call him through my laugh.

- “Yes, Gorgeous?” he calls me, using the same charming tone mixed with the deepness of his voice. I laugh again as my cheeks are burning. “So, are we together, MC?” He asks me more seriously.

- “Well, no.” I answer to the boy which makes him frown, confused and disappointed. “What? Don't look at me like that. Technically, we just had a... A... Very unexpected heated moment. But you never asked me out, did you?” I remind him playfully, winking at the boy. Phil laughs to my answer, understanding where I'm getting at.

- “MC, would you like to be my girlfriend?” He asks me with seriousness, yet, having the most beautiful and charming smile over his face.

- “I don't know. Give me a good reason to say “yes”.” I answer playfully. Without waiting, Phil stands up from the chair and lifts his shirt, showing me his abs. I laugh and blush while bitting my lower lip. "Definitely getting there", I tell him as I’m actually devouring his body with my eyes. Seriously, what has he done to me? Phil chuckles as he approaches me. One of his hands goes in my back while the other one passes softly in my hair, pushing it back before placing it on my cheek.

- “You're definitely going to make me a fool for you, Gorgeous.” he whispers softly and lovingly.

- “Not my plan.” I answer playfully while smiling happily. Phil smiles back to me before he slides his hand in my back, holding me against him tightly. I feel him kissing my neck again while he runs his hand in my back. I just feel so comfortable in his arms, so protected.

- “I love you.” He tells me sincerely and with love in his voice.

- “I love you.” I repeat his words with the same tone he used while literally melting in his embrace.

I was a fool for him. He was a fool for me. I was just too shy and he was another man. A lot has changed lately in my life, but this is the best thing I could dream of.

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