#this sounds shallow but like who wants to fuck someone thats not cute

[chim-chim1310]

I think JK is probably still not a bad guy to hang out with one to one. I'm sure on a personal level he's still funny and nice. I wouldn't even say JK betrayed Jimin or anything. While JK knows he's being pushed more than the others, he probably has no idea Jimin was actively sabotaged by his new besties either. I'm not absolving him, I'm just saying I get why someone wouldn't throw away a 10 year relationship on this.

My disappointment in him is not because of those things but as his (former) fan. While he wasn't my ult, he was my bias wrecker and not because he's handsome or has tattoos or because he was the golden maknae. I liked him because he wrote songs like Still With You and Stay and because he talked about how much he loved music. So when he put out his music during solo era (that's 3 singles now), I've been waiting for him to exhibit any signs of this but I can't see any contributions of his. It really just seems like he goes to the office, gets songs, sings them, does everything they need him to do and goes home. I know he's a singer but top artists don't only contribute their vocals to songs. They provide concepts, vision, they put parts of themselves into their art. That is what is sorely missing. How is he different from the BP girls?

So when he gets cocky about his instincts about how good the song is, even though he's contributed hardly anything but his name and even then had to be boosted by a payola campaign thats unprecedented for any kpop act, I feel a sense of derision. Especially since his songs have come after his other members who in spite of other misgivings I have with them, did actually pour their heart and souls into their work.

Every new piece of info he puts out is not helping. It's disappointing to hear his goal is to become more famous, not mentioning anything extra like because you want more people to hear your music, or I don't not know - just say anything that doesn't sound horribly shallow. When he says he doesn't plan to continue any concept or he doesn't think hard about what's next, I don't understand why he says this as if it's a good thing.

Anyway if anyone liked him because he's cute or hot or has tattoos or is popular or does well on the charts, or if their expectations from their artists are just that they need to be charming like BP then I'm sure they're all ok with this. It's only people like us who looked for something deeper who feel resentful.

That's exactly my thoughts. He's talking like 'I don't usually write lyrics', 'when I'm given a good song I take it' 'I want to be a giant pop star' 'I don't know how my album is working' 'I had a gut feeling you will like the song'

He's saying all this as if he's proud of being a nepobaby. Dude you're getting spoonfed like a 26 year old manchild, the least you could do is be humble.

It's fucking irritating.

[cigaretterry]

cant belieb that 1. its come to this and 2. that im admitting this but... i think... that... i might... want to fuck one of my (ugly) coworkers 🤭

#hes UGLY #this sounds shallow but like who wants to fuck someone thats not cute??? me apparently... #but like hes literally my work bestie and we get along so well n he makes me laugh n he just gets me 😩 #but hes MARRIED!!!!! #one time he drunkenly sent me poetry that he wrote about me lmfao #him and his w*fe cheat on each other not that that makes it okay but... #but hes so ugly like any attraction that i feel is 100% bc of his personality #if he was actually cute i woulda fucked him a year ago #he told me the other day that our coworkers probs think we r fucking based off how we act around eachother n i was like 😶 #ugh #personal

[mammons-tax-returns]

How would Lucifer, Mammon, Levi, Satan, Asmo, Barbatos, Solomon, and Diavolo react to a male MC who wears skirts (because *chants* men in skirts, it’s masculine af) on the daily? bonus if the MC wears black nail polish!

REACTING TO MC THAT WEARS SKIRTS

LOVE THIS PROMPT 🙏

During this I imagined 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻TANGO DANCER SOLOMON and thats going into my art idea list

masterlist

✖️MALE MC✖️

Not unlike all the other boys, Lucifer is willing to risk it all as soon as he sees it.

His favorite cut of skirt is the classic a-line ones, both modest and not.

A CLOSE second goes to wrap skirts.

This is a SFW blog so I will not be going into any detail at this time ✨

Literally loses his breath everytime he sees MC, and it surprises him.

If MC isn’t already wearing the RAD skirt, he’s already offering to get him a set. Almost too eagerly?

When MC decides to not wear a skirt one day, he tries not to make it too obvious, but he’s simply curious as to why is all. Maybe a tad bit let down.

MC insisted one time that Lucifer painted his nails for him, and...

“Well, normally Asmo is the one doing that for all of us...”

“But Lucifer 🥺”

“Alright... Fine. But I’ll have to continue my paperwork in between each layer.

It’s just kinda cute to think that he would spend an incredibly unnecessary amount of time on each nail, trying to perfectly lay down the polish. Occasionally, his tongue will poke out because of his concentration.

There’s some slip ups here and there, but mentioning them will only get him flustered.

I don’t use this word lightlySIMP SIMP SIMP

He thinks he loves MC in every skirt imaginable just as equally as the last (which, he actually might) but deep down he can’t deny that a mini skirt just hits different.

The first time he saw MC wearing a mini skirt, mammon’s initial reaction was to cover him up before anyone could see him.

However, he failed to realize that he was actually the last of the brothers to see him, since he woke up late.

But that’s just what being the avatar of greed does to you. You just want to keep what’s yours, no matter what.

But considering his jacket isn’t as big as Lucifer’s or Solomon’s, he ended up just holding it up against MC’s lower half and stood in front of him.

It took the coaxing of MC and the snark comments of his siblings to make Mammon finally allow MC to walk around freely.

Looking back on it, Mammon most certainly understands why even Asmo had called him clingy.

But even now, he can’t help but hold MC a little bit closer in public when so many demons are staring at him! It just feels wrong to allow them to do that.

Cut him some slack, he thinks MC looks amazing, and he trusts him, but they’re literally in hell surrounded by demons. He just wants to keep his boy safe <33

Levi doesn’t even realize what MC’s wearing at first.

In fact, he doesn’t realize even after their first FEW encounters.

He only notices because while Mammon was ranting to him and Satan about money, he brings up MC and his “stupid and cute but also dumb skirts”

Levi is baffled that he’s the only one that hasn’t noticed it. So, the next time he walks by MC’s room, he contemplates stopping by to talk. Right... Socialize. That.

While Levi is stuck in his thoughts, MC opens the door, presumably ready to go out to a party with Mammon and Asmo.

*fish man short circuits*

MC looks...! S-so cute....!

- thinks the third born otaku.

Because I’m big on fashion, I can kind of picture an exact skirt I feel would apply to him. Let your mind run free but I imagine a semi-sheer maxi skirt with water-like embellishments uwu

But don’t get me wrong, Levi literally loves seeing MC in skirts so anything will get him like 😳 yall know how he is

Actually starts to get more interested in feminine fashion because of MC. And one day, he purchases a long black skirt from Akuzon.

He saw a popular cosplayer wearing one, and so he makes that his excuse.

No one even realizes the change except for Asmo, who gushes over the new look, even if it barely changed. MC also notices, but only compliments him/brings it up when they’re alone so Levi doesn’t overheat.

I was this close to typing “Satan is a man of beauty and FASHION” can you believe that

OKAY ENOUGH SATAN SLANDER

Satan... He can recognize when someone else looks ridiculous.

But he knows for a FACT. That MC very likely pulls off a skirt better than anyone he’s seen before.

Call him biased, but he sincerely loves it on MC specifically.

He likes the puffier skirts because they’re ADORBS, but for a more casual look, there’s this one asymmetrical skirt in particular that makes MC look so handsome to him.

He has no idea why men don’t wear skirts more often! Surely MC isn’t the only one that can do it!

Oh. Right. Gender norms 😪🤚🏼

Satan feels his anger crawl up his skin when he watches MC get ridiculed. And just for something he simply enjoys wearing! The nerve of demons.

He advances to “de-escalate” the situation in the most “avatar of wrath” way possible, but when he sees MC’s slumped shoulders walking away from him, he feels more inclined to follow and comfort him.

Satan gives an icy glare to the irrelevant demons, taking note of their faces, and goes after MC.

He doesn’t immediately bring up the situation, instead opting to go out on a spontaneous date to a nice café or a shopping district. Anything to distract from the situation subtly.

If his plan works out, splendid. Anything to make light of situation without even addressing it for even a day is good.

If the shopping and food doesn’t quite bring MC’s smile to his eyes, Satan will just have to be forward with his feelings for once.

“MC. I’m not entirely sure how I can get it through to you, but you shouldn’t be worrying about what some moronic, low-level demons think of you or your clothes. Much less what they say. Just be you, and make them suffer ten times worse.”

MC relishes in his words, even if the last bit sounded more like a threat than anything.

The last thing Satan would ever do is let MC even hesitate wearing an outfit that he would have had no trouble throwing on any other day because of someone else.

Asmo screams (in a happy way)

“No, Mammon! You’re wrong. MC is NOT my personal dress-up doll! He’s my model.”

Trying to break the stigma around Asmo’s “shallow” personality, let’s get the obvious things out of the way.

He and MC shop together pretty much every other day. It’s almost concerning. And nail appointments are, of course, regular.

NOW THAT THAT’S OVER,

Yes yes, Asmo loves the skirts and wonderfully glossy black nails, but there’s still such a massive divide between him and MC. Not physically, or even relationship-wise.

He’s never met someone like MC, who is so fashion-heavy and just the right amount of self-centered.

He thinks its the fact that they’re a human and demon. But he’s seen firsthand that the line between what makes a demon so different from a human is very thin. Solomon is an example of that.

But he realizes it’s just MC. He’s simply dressing for himself and himself only.

Asmo loves himself, there’s no doubt. And it’s nice to go out and dress fancy for others. He couldn’t dream of another lifestyle.

But he has to admit that what MC is doing is working for him. He comes off as a charming sort of man when he ignores the negative comments made about his clothes.

He knows that people in both Devildom and the human realm are a little sensitive when it comes to men in skirts. And the fact that MC continues to wear them is beautiful in and of itself.

This got kind of deep out of nowhere and i apologize but Asmo deserves to be seen for more than he’s constantly portrayed as 😞

Diavolo isn’t really thrown off that much by it at first, but as time passes, he starts to understand the appeal of skirt-wearing MC.

PENCIL SKIRT LOVER 🚨🔊PENCIL SKIRT LOVER🚨🚨🚨🔊🔊🔔🗯

Barbatos has to remind him that it’s rude to stare, but he finds it almost entertaining how whipped they BOTH are for MC.

Like Asmo, he actually loves bringing him out to shop!

The only difference between the two experiences is that Diavolo has no fucking idea what he’s doing when he picks out clothes for him.

Which leads to some pretty funny/terrible clothing combinations.

No, Diavolo, MC will not be wearing a flannel top with a camouflage hi-low skirt. Put those plaid socks away.

He’s confused and even a little sad when MC continues to turn down his ideas, but he figures that he should turn this into a learning opportunity.

So he lets MC grab whatever he wants, and patiently waits for him to finish up in the fitting rooms.

The store clerk is shitting her pants at the sight of the literal future ruler of Devildom hyping MC up with the energy of a puppy retriever.

Barbatos does an amazing job pretending like this doesn’t affect him.

He’s a classy man, he just internally loses it when he sees MC in any fancy skirt, really. From silky gold ruffles to a victorian-esc vibe, he’s obsessed.

So when Diavolo makes arrangements for an event/ball, Barbatos makes sure to, at the very least, offer to help MC get ready at the castle. He may not be the most fashion-centric but being able to spend time with MC in an extravagant get up is enough to make a demon butler interested.

Most of the time he’s disappointed because in between the seven brothers, he’d be lucky to be able to see MC at all because of how jealous they can all get.

I can imagine that even Diavolo doesn’t get to hear what Barbatos has to say about MC and his ability to make him weak at the knees.

But all it takes is Diavolo prompting, “MC’s outfit tonight... It was a sight for sore eyes, correct?”

Then, Barbatos lets a compliment or two slip out.

I can also imagine MC wearing a slightly short snd flowy skirt, and some rather disgusting demons waiting for it to get picked up by the wind, only for Barbatos to already be there, discreetly holding the fabric down and shooting them an intensely calm smile

Barbatos will always be one step ahead of creeps.

👀..

sneaky boy is sneaky.. especially with the constant glances he gives MC.

Solomon’s favorite type of skirt to see on MC is DEFINITELY pleated. No other option.

Unlike Lucifer, if MC isn’t wearing a skirt, he makes it clear that he wishes he would’ve.

It’s in a playful manner, though! Don’t worry.

“No skirt today? Bummer. That’s fine though, I can’t expect myself to feel attracted any less.”

I imagine MC wearing a flowy skirt to some sort of event at the demon lord’s castle, and he uses his magic to make it temporarily sparkle or shine.

This mf flashy and wants EVERYONE to know that MC is dancing with HIM and no one else.

But if you ask him about it, what? What’re you talking about? Lights?? Emitting from your skirt??? While we were dancing ?¿ Crazy talk. I would never do such a thing.,.

As childish as it is, he loves to see the way it flows when MC twirls or turns.

Not in a weird way, either. It’s just beautiful to him.

So, not to be cheesy (which he WITHOUT A DOUBT is.) but he’ll occasionally just spin MC by his hand throughout the day, then catch/dip him by the waist.

#obey me #obey me swd #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #obey me lucifer #obey me barbatos #obey me mammon #obey me diavolo #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me solomon #obey me asmo #male mc #male reader

[jack-lina]

bathhouse scenario

paired: sabo

wc: 1907

Play Songs While Reading This For Best Experience

ANYWAYSS ENJOY YOU HORNY MOTHA FUCKERSSS!!!

👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇👇

Luffy pulled my arm causing me to almost lose balance. " We should take a bath together! " He exclaimed happily facing the men's side and then back at me. I flushed seconds later at his ridiculous comment, which caused Ace to laugh. " We're not 9 anymore dipshit! " - He grinned widely - " Besides! She's a female and we're both males! Its separated you fucking idiot! " He mocked as usual, and tried to cross his eyes, also resulting me to spit and giggle at his foolish actions.

" Aceeeeee, th eeeeei AaassSSSHOLEEEEE. " I slurred in a silly tone. The two looked over to me. This time it was Luffy's turn to crack up and flash his signature smile. We both laughed until Luffy got yeeted into the men's room by a red faced Ace.

He turned his back and lifted his hand up and waved the back side of his hand with the other in his pocket meaning ' Cya later. '

Fucking lazy bastard.

I rolled my eyes, smiled and walked aswell, going opposite, to the females side.

As I walked to the closest stall, near the big mirrors, shower stalls, and toilet stalls, a voice called out.

" Y/NNNN!!!!! " Nami sounding impatient,

yelled my name from inside the stallroom. " I'm coming! " I replied louder.

With a sigh, and 5 minute self prepare, I changed my usual oversized hoodie and jeans into just a towel. I unlocked the stall and skipped along but then stopped at the huge mirror in front of me.

Wow...

I no longer look like a crazy anime freak, who loves sketching and drinking Pepsi and uses a

fucking

twig as weapon

but a pretty e-looking egirl.

I was snapped out of my thoughts by a slightly higher but rustier voice. " Yeah C'mon Y/n- " BANG! The voice disappeared thinking that it was Luffy on the females side, being hit by, most likely, Nami. I sighed, walked to the entrance, pushed the curtain aside, and entered the bathhouse.

My eyes we're drowned by beautiful waters all around me. Real rock ledges, water pouring down the rock walls, hot steam surrounding every part, and a huge rock wall separating us girls from the boys.

" What did Luff- " I spoke up focusing back to the girls and was cut off from shock - " What the- " I looked up , spotting the 5 familiar male figures poking out, leaning atop the top of the wall. Trying to fucking look at us huh? Perverts.. Wait a minute.. I thought Nami would be pissed off at this, why is she just- I brought my eyes back down to the two females. they we're looking my way. All of them... My face burned as I studied them back trying to think if someone stopped time or if they are playing around. But no, minutes had gone by and all was heard was the loud splashes of water being poured around the bathhouse....

" OIIIIIIII!! Luffy, Sanji, Usopp, Brook, Chopper. Did you all do something that bad enough that Nami's not throwing hands? " Ace yelled over, cackling afterward, glancing at Law, Franky, Sabo, and Zoro, which made them laugh. They didn't care to join up top and stare. Law didn't give a shit, Franky didn't want to hurt Robin's feelings, Sabo also had a similar reason, while Zoro exactly had Law's reason aswell. I shivered at the cold, arms holding up my towel. I decided to join the girls now ignoring the stares. Sanji cursed under his breath as I hopped into the shallow end , bending down in the water to cover my parts, causing my towel to get soggy in an instant. I threw the wet towel to the side, and swam to the two slowly, making sure not to get up. Even though the steam was most places, I didn't want to risk showing anything to those bastards... Sabo th- NO WHY AM I THINKING THIS HOLY SHITTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

Although as my mind started roaming dirty, Nami spoke up, making me jump slightly. " Listen here Y/n... You need to realize, you look like a fucking goddess, and if men are absolutely dead silent looking at you, including face heats up and sweat downs, then its a good sign. " Nami exclaimed with a know-it-all grin. Robin started clapping as Nami sat back down. " Beautiful speech! " Robin said heartwarmingly, giggling afterward. Nami nodded toward me as if she queued in my response. I paused and nodded back hesitantly.

" So.. you're saying, I looked like shit before, but if all my clothes are off, I look great? " I asked her looking down at the water staring at the reflection. Nami frowned and Robin's expression changed from happy to full of regret. " Well Y/n , thats one way of looking at it I guess. " Robin said blankly.

" No Y/n- "

I cut off Nami, elbowing her hard in the shoulder. I started laughing and spit out " I'm kidding. " I heard the men's side was pretty quiet this whole time.. wonder what they're up to... Nami faced me and gave me a crooked smile. " You got me. " She eventually said and gave off her own rave of laughter, making robin shoot some cackles at the sight of us having a stupidly funny moment.

But it was eventually cut off by a huge splash further away, closer to the entrance of the bathhouse on our side. We all jumped letting out a couple high pitched girl screams. Before Nami could yell at the perverted man to get the fuck back to the men's side and Robin and I to scramble to get ourselves something was coming straight at us.

someone was coming right at us. someone was coming right at me.

LUFFY WAS COMING RIGHT AT ME. AND HE WAS BEING CHASED BY ACE. " ACE!!! CHASE LUFFY SOMEWHERE ELSE!! GET YOUR NAKED ASS'S OUTTA HERE! " Nami screamed. I acted in the couple seconds I had left, covering myself the best I could with the thin ass skinny arms and legs I could muster to hide the you know where parts. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I also decided to do that and not run away, because I could expose myself to the boys, well how? Because the 5 boys we're still up there... No wait... All of them are.... So..... I let Luffy fling himself onto me. Sadly, at this moment, Luffy was unaware that he was clutching onto my naked body and so was his. He was also burying his face in my tits... so.... I Shuddered. " Luffy please- " Before I could use some effort in shoving him off of me, Ace was seconds away and looked like he could massacre anyone in his way right about now. " I'M NOT LETTING GO! " Luffy screamed, and so, Ace kicked Luffy back to the men's side, forgetting that I was pinned with him, making us fly back together.

Luffy let go though right away, but since I was so fucking light, I ended up going further towards the deep end. Not so deep that the men ( with devil fruit powers ) had to swim ( because obviously they can't and it would be hard to continue this god damn scenario like that ) but deep enough that a girl like me, short as fuck ( your not short just roll with it ok? ) can barely not even reach the bottom, even with the tips. But it all happened so fast, and the impact... I swear to god ace is on steroids.... anyways, it was so fast, I started freaking out, my back stung, where I landed on, and everything started getting hazy but before things got worse, I felt some hands slid into mine, and before I knew it, I was back above surface. I blinked a few times taking in my surroundings. Chopper, Sanji, Usopp, Franky, Brook, Law, and Zoro we're all around me staring in a circle.

I then realized Sabo was the owner of the hands that he intertwined mine with, and without thinking, he pulled me close. " Are you ok? Are you hurt? Do- " I shoved him away. My face was burning. " S-SABO KUN! " I yelled in reply, not realizing I added kun afterward. Sabo's face went red and everyone else stayed quiet and watched. My neck and below was covered by the water, holding onto him to not sink, but pushing away for space. I need to get away from these naked men. I heard a whistle in the distance. It was the writer, " YEAHHHH GIVE EM SOME! " She yelled in a sexy playful tone. I freaked, I tried letting go of Sabo and risk it in a daze. I'm. On. The. Men's. Side. But instead, Sabo gripped my hands tighter and pulled me in. " SABO! " I exclaimed. The boys suddenly startled at Sabo's uncommon behavior of clinginess and Y/n's sudden nervousness. Some eased the tension by whistling aswell for fun or making cute kissy noises but it just made me sweat more. Obviously Sabo noticed and started to growl at them, whilst a few shut up, some did not.

However the tension was cut off completely because a recent appearance suddenly appeared again. Luffy. He appeared out of nowhere trying to reach out and grab my arm. " MINE! " Luffy screamed once again, making me jump and Sabo sternly staring at him with his doll eyes, which once looked full of adorable cuteness, now looked like a cold dark piercing glare. But after a few seconds, Sabo's expression changed to seriousness, facing the girls side, He yelled " ACE A TOWEL PLEASE! " pulling me behind him , shield like, and put the palm of his hand on Luffy's forehead, " LUFFY!!! STOP!!! NOW!! " He yelled again at Luffy with the most scariest face I've ever seen him make, resulting me to grip my arms around his waist, face buried in his back, causing him to straighten up and flush at my actions. A towel was thrown shortly after and in seconds Sabo picked me up and quickly wrapped the towel around me before the guys saw shit. He turned me around ubruptly and placed me in his arms gently bridal style, and lifted me just over the water so it wouldn't get soggy at the bottom. What a sweetheart.

I let my head lean into the crooked part of his neck while he started walking to the side of the bathhouse, with all the ledges, He leaned his head ,slightly tilted on top of mine, not noticing he had purred at my action and enjoyed having my hot breath against his neck. I liked this. I liked this a lot. Once he reached the edge of the waters, he set me down above, trying not to bend up too high to show his dick, but just enough to place me without doing so. He climbed on the rock beside it and sat. We stood like that for a bit. And then-

Ok guys,

I tried for this one, and I have an announcement!!

You guys can choose a part two, either continue Sabo x reader, change it, or both!

I can do separate ones if you can't decide!

But make sure to also add an idea aswell, like from

bathhouse

to

shower stall ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°) ,

or

hotel room ( ͡~ ͜ʖ ͡°)

or

date,

or

sudden confession

or

WHATEVER I JUST WANT TO WRITEEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH pls give ideas( ͡ಥ ͜ʖ ͡ಥ)

Aka if you want a part two, comment either sabo or another character and the idea or scenario from there!

#Saboxreader #sabo x reader #xreader #anime #romance #scenario #onepiece #one piece fanfiction #ace sabo luffy #sabo #boys #fluff #imagine #op x reader #long reads #quick write #foryou #foryoupage #meme #funny #cute #90s anime #chief of staff sabo #monkey d luffy #portgas d. ace #straw hat nami #nico robin #roronoa zoro #vinsmoke sanji #god usopp

[dearest-kibble]

yan kenma who has you locked up in his apartment- it’s been some time and you’ve given up escaping but you know he live-streams so you kind of start living small clues that you’re there in hope someone will figure it out? but instead of a viewer kenma finds out; and instead of stopping you he just decides to taunt you and play along to the point his viewers make it an inside joke- the emotional rollercoaster that would be? he wouldn’t have to punish you- the crushing despair is enough alone

This is so deliciously fucked up I love it,,, thank you anon, Kenma hits so different. I love him thank you so so so much. i am working on so much,,, thank you for being patient with all my uhhh lateness? this kinda became something a little different than the prompt but hopefully thats good?

Kenma Kozume x Fem reader

tw: Typical yandere-ness, humiliation? Sexism? Mentioned stalking, (If im missing anything please let me know my brain isn’t functioning rn)

You’re sitting on his lap, camera angled so that no one’s view is obstructed by your body, but so that all his views can clearly see you. You’ve been here so long, any hope of leaving, ironically, has left you. But, the thought crept slowly, surely, deeply into your brain and hasn’t left. You turn around on Kenma’s lap, straddling him and you’re sure the live chat is going a little crazy at the thought of Kodzuken having someone in his lap while he streams and he’s probably going to tell you to get off soon, but you’ve got the chat’s attention, and you are going to work with it. You tap Kenma’s cheeks, slight squish on them and you know he hates that it’s on camera all the same, you drum three fingers on his cheek, smiling at him for the camera as your fingertips meet his clammy skin. He doesn’t tell you to stop so across his cheek you swipe your thumb three times as tenderly as possible. As you stand from his lap, you pat his cheeks, three times delicately. You look into his eyes, still as calculating as when you met him, a deceptively warm amber with the tiniest hint of frustration (and somewhere inside, you know it’s probably with you but you can’t care.)

“I’m gonna sit on the couch, ���kay?” You call softly, hoping you were subtle enough with your plea.

“Oh, okay,” And you think you’re free before he calls a “Wait! Come back for a little.” You’re even halfway to the couch before the words rope you back in. He beckons you to lean down, and whispers into your ear. “I noticed you trying to sign to get out. Morse code isn’t as subtle as you think, you might as well just ask them to get you out,” You chance a quick look towards chat.

“Was that morse code?”

“Holy shit! Yeah, I think that was SOS.”

“You think they actually need to get out or it’s one of those ‘my bfs terrible’ jokes?”

“You see the way they were straddling? Def not a hate my bf sorta thing.”

“See?” He’s still whispering into your ear, game forgotten in lieu of what might be called humiliation.  “They won’t believe you because you want to be here. Regardless of what you say, you would’ve left already if you didn’t.” He smiles at you and affectionately pats your head. Like he’d pet a cat. The idea is still in your mind, though perhaps a little shallower. You glance at the chat once more, someone is still talking about it, but Kenma pushes you away with a “I’ll get you when I’m done, okay?” You end your night on the couch with Kenma. He smiles at you and puts your legs on his lap.

The next livestream is two days after the last one. You have something planned once more, hopefully more effective.

“I’m playing minecraft today, I could set up your computer, and we could play together?” His small smile is back. And though a kind gesture, all you can think about is how easily you could make a point.

“Okay!” The earlier plan is immediately forgotten, and thoughts of what you could do in a game, fills your mind. “Will I have a mic?”

“No, I can’t have you telling them can I?” And it clicks, because of course he’d taunt you. But it’s like your brain grew claws that cannot lose their hold.

“Will I have a camera?” And you know the answer, but Kenma might still surprise you. You’ve already had one shock tonight, maybe you’ll get another.

“No. Sorry. You have chat though.” He pats your head again, ruffling your hair. “I’ve already got you set up, c’mon.” He tugs at your hand, pulling gently.

“Thanks Kenma.” He’s put another computer across from his desk on a much smaller table made for playing cards.

“You’re all set up.”

“Yeah.” He clicks the mouse a few times, waves at the camera to his right. “Can everybody hear me?” He waits a few seconds for chat’s response. “Chat is saying yes, so let’s get right in?” He smiles sheepishly to his camera.

“Hi everyone, I’ m Kodzuken and today we are,” He pauses to look at you with honeyed amber eyes. “Playing Minecraft with my partner.” He nods in your direction. You just open the minecraft tab, the only shortcut that seems to be on the computer.

“It’s a LAN server, click that, okay?” So you click it and say nothing. You start to go through the motions of chopping a tree, making sticks, making a crafting table. Kennma is narrating what he does, and you’re not even sure where he is in game until you're knocked back and turn your mouse to look at him.

“Yeah, I know - she should be relying on me.” He’s responding to something in chat, he’s gotta be. You type a quick,

“What’re they saying?”

“Oh, that my girlfriend shouldn’t be so independent, you rely on me - I'm your boyfriend.” Kenma says it so casually, so acerbically that you immediately take off sprinting from the forest in game.  

“She has these bouts - you saw them last stream - where she likes to try and ‘get away’.” Kenma laughs softly; little glockenspiel notes falling from his mouth. “It’s a really cute joke honestly! Anyway, I’ll put my minecraft bed next to hers later, right now...” You stop paying attention and start planning how you’d try to get your point across more clearly. You could make signs, say “Get me out!” Like Kenma suggested.

“Hey! He looks over the screen at you, piercing eyes staring right through you. “Don’t go off on your own, we’re staying together alright?”

“No.” He’ll have to deal with chatting, possibly hearing you by himself. And you continue through the coded forest. It goes pretty smoothly, though you’re sure Kenma is trying to find you, you’ve already created a mine for yourself, and made a little sign with instructions that reads: “Get me out!”

“Her voice is quite cute, isn’t it? I’ll get to hear it for the rest of my life.” He continues humming out yes’s and no’s to his audience that sit captivated in a land of blocks and pixels.

“Hey, I’m going to use the restroom, is it alright if my girlfriend takes over for me?” He stands, and waves you over into his chair that’s been made for gaming and padded with red accents. He watches you with his cat-like eyes as you sit down and pats your head. “I’ll be right back Kitty, behave.” And you hear his soft footsteps get farther away and the creak of the door twice before you finally look at chat.

Woa, Kudzu got lucky huh?

“Please,” You don’t sound nearly as someone might think you would. You’ve been here too long. “Get me out of here?”

Sure sweetheart, just come over to my place first.

“Just - get me away from him please!”

Girls are so whiny huh?

Hey man, its funny at least amiright?

“It’s not a joke -”

She’s really committed to this bit huh

Damn iim staartin to feel bad for ken

Me to :(

“I’ve been here for year and I don’t want to-”

Wow. what an ungrateful bitch.

Ikr? She’s got a bf and everything and she wants to get out?

“No- it’s not like that - he stalked me for months I-” And the familiar desperation you thought hoped beyond all hope that you had lost bleeds back into your voice all repression surfaces like the tide in your eyes.

Oh fuxxx we made her cry.

relax bet she’s just on her period or smth

“I am not!” A bubble of snot pops from your nose and mucus drips uncomfortably to your lips. “I just-”

What could you want that you don’t have.

“My house! My job! My friends!” And your voice breaks

She wants to go back to a job?

Crazy lady huh.

She wants friends when all she really needs is a man? smh.

“Kitten, what-”

“Leave me the fuck alone!” It’s an outburst that you’ll regret later, for one reason or another. But for now it’s a small comfort to speak your mind. With your voice wavering and congested, you choke out a “Let me go home.” Kenma’s eyebrows furrow but his eyes are still the calculating, cold amber they always are.

“Shh shh, it’s okay.” Instead of the quick pats he’s so fond of, he strokes your hair and massages the nape of your neck like he’s picking up a kitten who's gotten into a fight. “I’m going to cut the stream, okay?”

Who’d want to leave Ken, he’s cutting the stream short to help his gf.

…….yeah

I feel bad.

“You should. Please don’t make her cry.” A few clicks later and the stream cuts. “Do you want me to upload that one?” To get your message out? You’d do anything.

“Yes please…” Someone will have to see it. How miserable you are.

“Then it’ll go up, okay?” He pats your back twice, and he stands again to sit at the computer. Out of the blue he speaks again. “They’re right.” No no no no no. “I’m lucky, i’m so glad you're here with me and that you won’t leave.”

“I will get out!” The proof of your white hot anger is breaking the dam built in your throat.

“Where will you go? Your friends don’t know where you’ve gone, they won’t be happy with you coming back unannounced.”

“My parents-”

“You can rely on me, you don’t need anyone else.”

“But I-”

“Shhh kitty, you’re overreacting let’s get you to bed, you’ve had a stressful day.” And so he walks you back to the room you share that's covered in pictures, and he tucks you under the covers and dries your tears with a blanket. He whispers words to you, faint little nothings about games he’s going to play that you’ll enjoy watching and little bits of trivia about what “Kuroo” is up to. Eventually you fall asleep, with his hand in your hair and a chair pulled up close so he can stare. You both know it but no one will admit, some part of him will always enjoy how you lose hope so quickly.

--

once again! This should not’ve taken so long,,,, and it kinda deviates from request but! there we are! also,,,, you can’t tell me that like,,,,,,, kenma hasn’t been at least exposed to incels and or like,,,, really sexist guys he streams on twitch or youtube or something so- also thank you anon,,, i really like this one

#yandere x reader #yandere imagine #yandere #yandere haikyuu #yandere haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! #haikyuu kenma #kenma kozume #yandere kenma #yandere kenma x reader #hq kenma #kenma x reader #kenma kozume x reader #tw sexism

[bitchiha]

To Eternal Bliss, I’m so Glad to Know (ModernAU!Hidan x Reader)

The Rats 1k event prompt: Street racer x Hidan

A/N: hey.. aha.. how y'all doing.. hum so i haven't been doing great, I think that is evident through my inactivity on this blog, but that being said i am in a bit of a better place now. i finally have some time to myself and i intend to put that towards my 900 follower event. Enjoy this wonderful piece of modern racer Hidan that strayed into crazy murder himbo I love car man Hidan.

Title inspired by: this song.

MAJOR TWs: smut, harassment (brief, undescriptive), uhm murter, reckless driving, lots of mentions of and contemplations of death. You are a literal accomplice to murter. Reader is confused. But.. It’s not supposed to be gory and dark, I kinda wanted it to just be stupid and reflect a himbo hidan as much as I could. Last like 6 paragraphs aren’t edited.

-

You shouldn’t be in a criminals car, much less in the middle of a police chase and much much less be falling in love with him.

 His silver hair flashes wildly in the occasional flicker of red and blue lights, teeth bared; he was making that face again. That one he had when he first met you, lips curled and canines showing. It looked like he was in pain. It was just because he was actually trying to use his brain, you think. He grips the wheel tightly, the whites of his pale knuckles glowing as he swerves onto one of the busiest city streets you know. 

Barely avoiding a collision with a distinct yellow blur you could barely classify as a taxi, he continued to speed through the lanes, horns blaring and merging into the sound of the wailing sirens quickly approaching. Another sharp turn onto a slightly less busy road had your body slamming against the console, leaning close to Hidan. Your eyes stray from the window and onto his face, unable to hear what he is saying, you make out the movement of his lips:

shit,shit,shiiit 

The tires screeched as he fumbled around with the controls, sending the car into a full 180 and narrowly avoiding a police car sacrificing its auto body in favour of capturing Jashin. That was real close call, just scratching the side of the passenger door, but you wouldn't know; you were still watching your boyfriends features as he speeds off down another dirty alley. 

You were pretty sure that one day you were going to die trapped in Hidans little metal box.. A distant part of you wanted to throw up when you realized you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Sure, he was obnoxiously annoying in the most serious of times and incredibly oblivious when you desperately needed him to get a clue. I mean fuck, it felt like despite his adolescent years of elementary and secondary school (which you’re not even sure he attended) his brain only had the capacity to process two things. The first being lewd shit and the second would be the gas pedal... and maybe half a braincell was in there thinking of you, but probably only of you in your panties or something really shallow like that. 

You really shouldn’t love him. 

Barrelling down the alley he randomly slammed the breaks down, the lack of warning sending you flying forward. Bracing yourself to be slammed into the front of car, but just when you thought you were going to break your nose Hidan reversed, sending your body backwards instead. You yelped and he sent you a stupid little apologetic curl of his lip before twisting his body, hand coming to your chair for support as he sped the car backwards through the trash littered street. You didn't understand why he suddenly changed his mind about the direction until a few seconds later when a black and white cop car swerved down the alley in the direction you were back pedalling from. Hidan must have known they were going to try and cut his route off.    

  At the sight of the police vehicle your boyfriend impulsively slammed the breaks, rolling his window down and leaning his head out of it, “Ha, you stupid fucks think you could catch Jashin with some lame shit like that? I could smell that from a mile away!” From your boyfriends childish tone you predicted he was going to blow a raspberry, but the sound of speeding tires approaching quickly stopped him. Sirens blaring, the police car sped its way forward. 

“Oh fuck.” Hidan sped Jashin backwards again. 

  You remembered the first time you met Jashin.

  It was late that night, you were making your long trek home after a disastrous closing shift. You were tired. So fucking tired. You never would have taken that shortcut if you weren’t truly physically drained. As you made your way briskly through that musky trash infested canal, you were stopped by a man who smelled just as intensely as the alley itself. It was so much so that you had thought that perhaps it was the mans smell that was so potent and not the space itself. 

  Defining what the source of that smell was wasn’t important though, not when he was coming straight at you with barred, yellow teeth. You didn't know what to do and to be fair, what the fuck were you supposed to do? He was yelling something, you couldn't hear it over the thrashing of your erratic heartbeat.  Were you going to die? You were so fucking tired. 

Maybe you should run.

  You didn’t though. Didn’t have the energy. So you let the man come face to face with your figure, grabbing at the lapels of your coat and screaming. His breath was unbearable and you thought you were going to pass away just from the smell as opposed to actually being murdered. Although you suppose this could probably qualify for a murder, his breath was most definitely a weapon. But despite his shouts being directly at you, his humid breath spraying across your face as his chest constantly heaved, you couldn't understand what he was saying. 

“Jashin! Jashin is coming!” 

  What the fuck was Jashin? Could you still not hear him? He was probably sick. You were tired. So you continued to let him shake your form. Was he going to kill you or just ask for some money?

  Thats when a beast of sleek red metal swerved down the alley, trampling over peeled open garbage bags and beer bottles, approaching you with each sound of a crinkled can. It was gunning straight towards the man who was backing you up against the wall, he was frothing and screaming at the sight and the next moment the hood of the car slammed into his form. Despite your close proximity to the man, you were left barely unscathed and a little bit disappointed.  

  The scene laid frozen for a good thirty seconds: the man unconscious on the floor, your unsteady breathing and the window of the car rolling down. It inched back to reveal a man about your age - which made him just barely a man - with silver slicked back hair, barred teeth and knitted eyebrows. 

“Shit.” 

  You just stared at him, backpack beginning to slide down your shoulders. He stared back at you, waiting to see what your next move was going to be. You didn’t have one. 

  “...If it makes you feel any better, douchebag deserved it.” The man said a few minutes later, he clearly wasn't expecting the crumpled body on the floor to have tried to seek out help, let alone from a cute girl. He smoothed his hair back. 

   His crappy attempt to seduce you didn't work and nor did his equally crap words of consolation, you were tired. This whole situation was even more tiring. You just wanted to sleep. 

  “I won't tell anyone, if you just drive me home.”

  He clearly wasn't expecting that, you could tell that from the pained look intensifying on his face and his little choked gasp. A few moments later it released like an elastic band snapping and his features set into a smug smirk. A cute girl who wasn’t gonna snitch on him?

  “You’re not going to question the fact that I just hit someone with my car? Is it cause I'm so fucking sex-” 

  You weren’t listening, walking over the heap of a body and around the car into the passenger seat. The contrasting smell of vanilla and cigarettes clouded your senses as you clicked your seatbelt into place - noticing his lack of one in the process.

You hated that your face was burning up as you spoke. “I live a few blocks away.” 

For a while you were sure that this was the first girl Hidan had ever had in his car. It was obvious that he was freaking out, maybe if he didn’t hit people in alleyways and then blamed your silence on the fact that he was so fucking sexy, then maybe he would be able to talk to more.

  He tried to blab to you the whole way to your apartment accidentally making wrong turns to try and extend the length of your stay. He told you about that man in the alley, said something about how he totally fucked him over in some black market shit for auto parts. Said his enemy, - he stressed this word very intensely - Shikamaru probably put him up to it. Nobody messes with Jashin goddamit, I fucking hate that guy. It was a shit justification for murder no doubt, there is never a good reason to hit someone with a car, but you supposed your indifference wasn't any better. 

  You stole a couple glances at him every now and then, when his eyes took a break from darting back and fourth between your thighs, your face and the road. He had a sharp jaw, pretty cheekbones, gelled back hair with small strands escaping every so often - causing him to brush them back when too many tickled his forehead - his lashes were long and his eyes so pretty so in the dim light of the empty city streets. His teeth were straight and sharp canines peeked out whenever he sent you a suggestive smirk.

You also spent an unbelievably long time watching his fingers maneuver the steering wheel, the way his hands flexed with a certain turn. The veins of his forearms travelling underneath his leather jacket pushed up at the elbows, his jeans were all worn out and faded and his shoes looked like they were about to fall apart, it was a big difference in comparison to the well kept state of his handsome car.

  When he finally made it to your complex after running out of roads to take wrong turns down, he looked at you like a lost puppy, rolling the passenger window down to call out to you as you opened the lobby doors. “So I’ll meet you out here tomorrow then? Say, around 9?” 

  You turned to look at him confusedly, inquiring as to why he would be picking you up when you made no reservations to see him again, why would you want to see your accomplice in a murder ever again? But he was already speeding off before you got the chance. 

At least you could finally go to sleep.

The next day he was outside your apartment fifteen past nine, blaring his horn as he maneuvered his upper body to hover out the window of his lovely Jashin. You were nestled on your couch, staring at the blue light of the TV screen in your dark apartment desperately trying to avoid the textbook glowering at you from the coffee table.

‘Cute kitten saved from tree’ was sprawled across the bottom of your television in bold letters as a perky blonde read off the little cue cards in her hand. You’d been watching the news all day, waiting for the red breaking news! To slice across the screen and read out the description of a crippled homeless gambler found dead in an alley, but it never came.

It mad you feel a little angry when you realized his death wasn’t going to be announced and you knew there was no way it hadn’t been discovered yet. Then you sat startled at the realization that you didn’t feel anything towards what happened. That the anger you felt in wanting it to be so desperately displayed on the news was because you hoped you would feel something then.

The sound of Hidans car horn threw you out of your thoughts as you jumped like a frightened cat to the window. Peeling back the curtain you were surprised to see that blood stained blotch on the road with a lavender haired boy peeking out, baring his teeth.

You contemplated staying inside, he didn’t know your apartment number, but you knew that he definitely wouldn’t stop blaring the horn if you didn’t. His hand was undeniably laying flat against the centre of he wheel as he continued to sound out, you heard someone yell for him to fucking shut up. Hidan continued as if he didn’t hear. It kind of flattered you.

You wanted to vomit.

You took the stairs.

It was the beginning of winter when you finally let Hidan fuck you. You were in some parking lot lined with pitch black shops on a Sunday night. Everyone closed early going home to their families, except the two of you of course.

It was odd being with him for this long. One outing turned into another and then another, before you knew it he was picking you up every night at nine -sometimes fifteen minutes passed,- blaring his horn excitedly as he peeked out his car.

He told you it was the perfect place to do donuts, didn’t you want to do donuts? You did. It was the beginning of winter. It was icy. His idea was incredibly fucking stupid. But you agreed because maybe you’d skid on the ice and smash into a store, get crushed by the crumbling debris..

There was little snowflakes hitting the windows of Jashin as you two sat parked in the middle of the deserted lot.

“You ready? Oh you’re gonna love this, babe.”

He grinned as your face heated up at the name, you always got all flustered whenever he said anything like that. It made him feel giddy. His long fingers start Jashin up, moving to clutch the wheel as the car thrums to life.

When he makes the first swerve with his car, he turns his head to watch your body all stiff and frightened. It was funny. He laughed as your face twisted into an even more flustered one - if that was possible. God, you were always such a hard ass at the beginning of the night, but when he dropped you off outside your apartment early into the morning he always made sure to leave you with a little smile on your face. Even now, this early into the night he could see the beginnings of one.

He twisted the wheel again and your body flew to the left, smooshing into the console and the surprised laugh that left your mouth had his guts twisting. He wanted to hear it again. Your walls always fell when he did stupid shit like this. You were kinda fucked up now that he thought about it. Always getting all giggly when you should probably be screaming at him to be more careful for fucks sake! But you never did and he loved that about you. Just as fucked as he was.

“Hey babe, babe! This one’ll be good. Watch, watch.” He gripped the wheel again and grinded his sneaker into the gas, the first skid across asphalt was intentional, but when he tried to regain the reigns of his dark red beast it began to thrash out of his control.

Goddamn ice patch.

The car twisted, screeched and burned into the pavement for a good twenty seconds and when he was sure you should be screaming because I mean come on, that was fucking scary, he heard silence.

As the car came to a complete stop and your body was once again flung against the console, he turned to you. He thinks he was gonna ask if you were okay but he couldn’t remember because the next moment you were grabbing tufts of his gelled hair and sucking his face off.

He loved every second of it. The amount of times he’d tried to get his dick wet with you before was astronomical, but you’d always tell him no and he would pout like a dog. But hey, now you’re shoving your tongue down his throat like a dog so he settled on the idea that good things do come to people who wait.

The reason you decided to do it then was blurry. One moment his car was skidding around the parking lot and you were laughing and thinking of the chance of death and the next second it spat onto your tongue and you realized you didn’t want it anymore.

Like that first time you slid into his car, as you kissed him now you tasted contrasting flavours. Mint and cigarettes. For a moment you thought you were going to pull away, but you felt the sudden need to drink all of it. To somehow understand why you felt like you were burning from the inside.

It was his fault really. Hidan made you feel less tired, if that was a good way to put it. You started looking forward to things after you two met and eventually you actually started to feel a bit more deeply for poor crumpled man in the alley. It felt as if you’re body was being thawed out by this silver haired idiot who was groping for the clasp of your bra underneath your shirt.

So you climbed over the console, fumbling with the side of his chair to pull his seat back as you began to strip off your top in haste. You unbuttoned his jeans and slid down to the space between his leg, choking and drooling all over his cock because when you did you felt all these funny emotions bubbling in your body, you felt alive.

He was a loud mouth when you had his dick down your throat, groaning and saying the dumbest, lewdest shit his sex wired brain could think of. You know how many times he’s thought of this? You feel so good, you feel so good. God this is so good, Jashin probably loves it too... We should fuck on the hood of the car next. Long slender fingers guided your head up and down him as he began to twitch thrust his hips upwards, finally spill into your mouth. Douchebag didn’t let your head go and you felt some of his juices dribble down your tongue.

“Swallow it, swallow it while my dicks still in your mouth... Atta girl, you’re so good. So greedy..”

And you swallowed it all, he hoisted you back onto his lap and pushed your skirt up. He was whispering all this perverted stuff in your ear and your mouth fell open against his neck. Words making you flush fiercely and slowly grind your hips against him. You stopped him when he was beginning to shove your panties down your thighs, though.

For the first time you felt small in comparison to him as you met his eyes. He stopped his movement seeming like he was going to say something too, but you cut him off.

“- Hidan... I’ve never done it before.”

He stares at you all wide eyed before laughing and for a second and you think about getting out of his car and walking home because that’s such a douchebag thing to do, but then he surprises you.

“Me too, I was just about to say.. but I mean it can’t be hard right? Well, I am hard,” he laughed and you found yourself huffing a small giggle at his stupid joke, good mood returning as he continued, “I was just gonna go with what I seen in hentais.” That explained his dirty talk.

It was pretty good for your first time though. Ideally not the best place to have sex, you kept hitting your head and he couldn’t quite get his hips thrusting at a good pace with the confined space, but you didn’t care. You didn’t care because it was Hidan and you think you just might be in love with him.

That’s why you don’t say anything when a few weeks later you see “Shikamaru Nara, infamous street racer found dead in a back alley crash.” flashing across your tv screen.

You don’t comment, just give a little understanding hum when Hidan calls you and tells you he can’t pick you up tonight babe, or for a few nights, Jashin needs some repairs..

It’s why now, as he speeds through the streets recklessly with your bags in the trunk and the sound of sirens ringing in your ears that you feel tears prick your eyes. You wish you could have told him to be more careful, that he shouldn’t have done what he did without planning it. Something, anything.. it’s too late now. But he’s not to blame.

You think it’s your fault, really.

#naruto headcanons #naruto imagines #naruto x reader #hidan x reader #hidan #the rats 900 celebration

[letourlovebloom]

letter to the boy who crushed me-

hello, i hope you never find this, honestly, u don't have a chance of finding this, not in a million years.

I just wanted to tell you that you've destroyed me, I can't think about anything but you and I keep asking myself why, why, why, why and I think I finally have the answer.

you were my first love, well, not literally, because I was too young to fall in love, but you were my first love. I saw you in school everyday, you and your cute little blue shirt, your messy hair, your cute face, I remember everything about you, still. I remember we never used to talk, I remember how you were so shy and quiet and only befriended a select group of ppl, and I wasn't one of them.

I remember we won that neo olympiad, I was 2nd and you were 3rd, but you never talked to me still. Was it because I was too shy? Was it because of my crush that I couldn't look you in the eyes without starting a fantasy? Or was it because you liked me?

After I left, you don't know for how many years I stalked your fb account, you and your brother in a picture, your model photographs, you winning a debate competition, oh i liked you so so much. You know, I always wished u would talk again, just out of the blue, and that we would be a couple, and you'd love me and I'd love you. Young, stupid, little me.

That day, when u messaged me, after 7 years of no contact, you have no idea how happy i was. How could it be that I still liked you after all these years??? I don't even have a good enough reason for liking you. You're so cute and adorable. Nothing else, just that. That sounds so dumb right? So shallow.

But I guess, life can't tolerate seeing me happy, because you turned out to be my worst nightmare. You turned out the opposite of what I thought you would be, a gentleman, a lover, a smart man, and you're none of these things (except maybe smart).

I know you're lying when u say you liked me in 5th, i know damn well its a lie. Because you didn't, there's no way you liked me, you just said that so you would be able to get into my pants. You never liked me, and you still don't. you're lying to me, I know it, I know it, and I hate myself for getting hopeful about it.

You think i'm so gullible but honestly, how many girls have u said that to?? is that your type? gullible and pure, so you can ruin them while you go unharmed? You said u wanted to date me first thing, and do u not realize how rushed that is? do u rlly not realize that? god tell me???

Do u not realize that the posts you like and your humour, it's so opposite of mine?? we don't match, at all, we never did, i was just a dumb little kid falling in love w the first cute boy I saw. We couldn't hold a convo when we called, I saw u trying your best, but honestly thats just your desperation showing. If not this, then that.

god I liked you so so much, why did u turn out this way, why did u become the literal epitome of a playboy? Yet, some part of me doesn't even want you to be nice, you've fucked me, completely

You said u wanted to meet me, tell me thats not your desperation, tell me its more about the person than the relationship. U can't, coz its exactly about those things. And god I so hope i'm wrong, but I'm not, i'm really not.

You said to me that when i stalled you, it didn't affect you in the slightest because you don't place your emotional needs upon others, and fuck, if I showed u this, u would say "is it really such a big deal?" and you know what? yes, yes it is. i liked you for the longest time, no one would ever compare, and u ruined all that, I don't like the present you one bit, I still like the old you. You don't know how jarring it is to see someone turn out the opposite of who you thought they were, and still like them.

its ruined me, and yet I keep hoping that I would get a text from you. You're destroying me, please stop, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

[incorrect-nozaki-kun]

req: Kashima, Lev, Hori, Kuroo, Yaku when swimming at the pool. Kenma is playing animal crossing at poolside, Kashima, Lev and Kuroo having some competition. *Bubble bubble bubble* where is Hori and Yaku? * bubble bubble bubble*

This turned into “Hori Can’t Swim and Kashima is a Good Wingman”

This idea spiraled and I’m not even sorry

Under a read more because it’s a lot

Hori had a secret

Okay that’s not true Hori had a lot of secrets but he had one BIG secret

One that was about to be outed when he saw the group chat message from Kuroo

“COME TO THE NEKOMA SCHOOL POOL FRIDAY! WE HAVE WATER TRAINING BUT AFTER WE CAN HANG OUT! I NEED TO BEAT KASHIMA AT SWIMMING!”

It sounded fun in theory but there was an issue

Hori couldn’t swim. 

Like at all. 

He sank like a rock.

But, he tried to reason with himself, maybe it wouldn't be so bad

It wasn’t like he was gonna embarrass himself in front of too many people

Kashima, Kuroo, Kenma, Yaku, Lev, Bokuto, knowing Bokuto Akaashi too, and -

Fuck

Tsukishima 

His totally not a crush shut up Kashima

Things got a little complicated there but no problem it’d be fine

He repeated this mantra on the train to Nekoma basically tuning out Kashima’s rambling

He repeated it when they walked into the school

He repeated it when Kashima veered off to the woman’s changing room and he went into the mens to change into swim trunks the he probably didn’t even need to bring

And then he saw a certain blonde saltshaker talking to Bokuto in the changing room 

And Hori decided that in that moment this must've been karma for fly kicking Kashima so many times

Did he change hiding behind a row of lockers to avoid conversation? 

maybe

Fortunately he managed to change unnoticed and took definitely too much time changing because when he finally got to the pool area everything was in full swing

He tried to weigh his options in his head

In the deeper end, Kashima, Kuroo, and Lev were lining up to start a race with Akaashi at the finish line and Bokuto paddling a little ways away with a whistle in his mouth

That was a no go zone for him

Yaku was also floating in the pool, looking like he was very close to drowning Bokuto if he blew the whistle again 

So he was no help

Last option was Kenma and Tsukishima sitting in the bleachers, Kenma on his switch and Tsukishima half watching half listening to music

And as slightly mortifying interacting with Tsukishima was, it was better than drowning.

Not much better but still better

So Hori plops his stuff down on those metal bleachers 

Now the setup is Kenma is on a middle bench, Tsukki is beside him but on the one a level below bc boi is tall and if he reclines he can see the game

Hori had a moment of “oh fuck where do I sit” before sitting beside Kenma bc he did kinda wanna see the game

And all was fine, the idiots were screaming in the pool, the quieter idiots sat on the bench, all going fine.

Until Kuroo decided it was time for Kenma to get into the pool

By telling him to put down the switch, which he does, and then casually picking Kenma up

And YEETING him into the pool

How Kuroo got Kenma’s hoodie and flip flops off before he threw him was beyond anyone

So now Kenma was in the pool and Hori was concerned 

Because Tsukishima was pulling off his headphones and he looked ready to go in the pool

And if Tsukishima went in the pool then Hori would be the only one not in the pool

And that would raise questions

“COME ON HORI SENPAI! COME SWIM! WE’RE GONNA PLAY CHICKEN!”

Chicken. Right. Thats a shallow end game this is fine

Wait. Chicken...what game was that again?

“I WANNA BE ON AKAASHI’S SHOULDERS!”

Oh right. That game. Fuck

But Hori drags himself down to the pool because he’s competitive at heart

His first choice was to pair up with Kashima, but Yaku had his hand wrapped around her wrist and Hori really didn’t wanna mess with that

Also he’s a good bro ™ to both Yaku and Kashima so they're both out

Kuroo had grabbed Kenma and lifted him onto his shoulder, and Bokuto was climbing a slightly put off Akaashi 

So his options were Lev, or Tsukishima

Fortunately--or unfortunately depending on who you ask--the choice was made for him

The choice being Tsukki unceremoniously pulling Hori into the pool and towards the game

“I’ll be with Hori”

One issue

Tsukki had pulled Hori into water where he was standing therefor was shallow

Minor detail, Tsukishima is fucking TALL

So Tsukishima standing is definitely not Hori standing

And now Hori is flailing in the water because fuck where is the POOL FLOOR

And panicking leads to Hori inhaling pool water

Which is never good

He’s pretty sure this is where he's gonna die

In an overly chlorinated pool he was pulled into by his gangly crush

Fantastic

So Hori’s lowkey blacking out and the others are starting to realize “wait Hori’s not joking he genuinely isn’t coming up oh SHIT”

Kuroo moved the fastest, call it captain instincts or something, but before Hori could completely pass out he was being yanked out of the pool and onto the concrete 

And Kuroo is whacking him on the back and he’s hacking up water and is Hori crying a little? Maybe.

Hey YOU try inhaling pool water and try not to tear up

At this point Hori was only kinda aware of what was happening around him

He heard Kashima say something, a few other voices, and then he was being picked up bridal style

He’d roll his eyes if he were more aware because c’mon not again Kashima but also thank you because he’s not 100% sure he can walk right now

And then he was sitting on the locker room bench and a towel was wrapped around him and someone was rubbing lightly on his back as he leaned into them

“Thanks Kashima”

Wow Hori hadn’t heard himself sound that sad since he was a kid almost drowning was a trip!

Also lightheadedness that was fun too

But he was coming too and the world was less blurry and his breathing was evening out

And he was realizing that wow this silence was kinda awkward and really filled with pity and Hori didn't DO pity. 

So with the towel over his head to dry his hair Hori tried to end the awkward silence 

“Tsukishima pulled me in right? Tall bastard.”

No responce. Kashima was probably just going to let him rant which Hori appreciated 

“Damn he’s lucky he’s cute because he’s an asshole sometimes. Honestly who pulls someone into a pool like that!”

At that moment, Hori pulled the towel off his head and decided he was going to jump back into the pool and drown himself

Because that wasn’t Kashima sitting next to him

It was Tsukishima 

“Oh shit”

This is why he didn't drown, because he was destined to die of cringe in this exact moment 

Tsukishima didn’t look particularly bothered though

Granted he never really did

“Well I was going to apologize but if you think I’m such a bastard-”

Hori punched Tsukki in the arm. Snarky asshole 

All Tsukki did was snicker 

Bastard

Cute bastard but still a bastard

“I am sorry though. I didn’t know you couldn't swim”

“Who are you what did you do with Tsukishima?”

“Ha ha very funny.”

Hori realized at that exact moment that Tsukishima’s hand was still on his back and wow they were sitting really close

And was he...smiling?

Not smirking but genuinely smiling?

FUCK he was pretty and FUCK Hori was screwed

“HEY IS HORI OKAY OR IS HE DEAD?”

Aaaand there went the moment

Thanks Lev

Hori made a mental note to have Yaku kick his ass later

But Tsukishima just stood up and stretched with an unbothered look as if nothing had happened

“Yamaguchi is with Wakamatsu at the mall a couple stations away. Change quickly so we can catch the next train.”

Hori just stared at him

Was Tsukishima...inviting him to leave?

“Don’t you want to stay here?”

Tsukishima looked back over his shoulder from the doorway of the locker room

How dare he look like that so casually

“Swimming’s lame anyway. I’m bored and want to go to the mall.”

Well that was the closest Hori was gonna get to a genuine invite

And Tsukishima’s neck turned red when he was embarrassed 

Not like Hori was gonna tell him 

But it made him smile as he changed into regular clothes

And if Tsukishima was walking a little slower than usual so Hori could keep up with his long ass legs

Hori wasn’t gonna complain 

#GSNK #MGNK #Monthly Girls' Nozaki Kun #Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki Kun #anime #anime oneshot #oneshot #1k party #haikyuu #haikyū!! #hq #ask #request #GSNK at Karasuno

[unfortunatematchups]

(Hello is this blog dead because I haven't seen you post since February)

nope, this blog aint dead. i have it open on a browser tab as long as im online to check on any new asks and messages. im going to leave a short explanation here for those who dont want to waste their time.

weve been busy with other interests and ive gotten something like a writers block. matchup block? since im the primary writer here, theres pretty much no activity as long as im not writing. thats it. no reason, nothing to do with personal problems. just a block. 

keep reading for the real reason. you might not like it, but here it is.

im going to use these john sprites to convey my emotion so it might clear up any doubts on how im feeling. lets start with the process of how i write a match.

this is what a draft looks like. i write out how i would rant about this pairing, errors and all, then i leave it for the next day to come back to this and clean this draft into a polished, three-pointer paragraph. the thing is, im the only one doing this, so its obviously going to take long. i dont mind, i love to type and see something spawn from my effort. 

the problem? these rants are people-specific. right. whatever im rambling about in the draft, its about the ask and the ask only. it wouldnt fit if you crammed it into another ask, it wouldnt make a lick-a-sense if it was used to answer someone else. but, when i start to polish it up with clear and coherent sentences, suddenly it becomes… static. it becomes plain and simple, uninteresting and linear. think of it like youre hearing about a book from someone you know and trust versus a review. the person you know describes why the book is great with a lot of passion and love, but theres a lot of errors in delivery and some awkward bits they havent flushed out yet. 

nevertheless, its enjoying and persuasive, because you can see how they love it so much to the point where it gets them like that. they dont plan out how theyll describe the book to you word by word, because theres no need to. seeing how it gets them excited gets you excited, so you buy their faith in the book. 

what about a review? its clean, its cut, its perfect in delivery. it has a flow, introducing you to the story and overall appeal, then maybe it digs down for a spoiler or two. it gels with you in a simple fashion, doesnt quite have that connection a passionate ramble has. because its professional. 

thats what ive been making this blog to be. professional. i answer the request with a polished, pretty and perfect answer. theres no personal connection. i could take a match, swap out a couple of words, maybe cut out a bit, and it would be clear for another match. it feels static to write those paragraphs, and it progressively gets worse each time i repeat the process. im chipping away at something so close, so personal and unique into something dull and professional because i want it to look clean.

but thats my end of the problem. i dont like how it comes out, so what? people enjoy it. they must be, seeing how theres fifty three fucking asks for matchups and 73 followers. 

i wont show all the asks i have in the inbox, but ill tell you what majority, if not all of them, sound like. 

“I’m bi/pan”, “I have brown hair/eyes”, “I’m chubby/short”, “I like art/gaming/reading/writing”, “I’m shy around people I don’t know, I’m crazy around people I know”, “I’m a nerd”, “I have ADHD/Anxiety”. 

of course, there are some exceptions. not everything i say is as is, but from 50+ asks, these are what about three quarters of them sound like. there are personal differences, like music tastes and obscure hobbies, but the general gist is there. 

im not going to say anything about the sexuality orientation, because im in a friend group where majority, if not all, are not cishets. yes, people like art and gaming. 

but thats it? these descriptors are such shallow answers. i can personalise a match for you, sure, but does it feel like its right? you like gaming. so what, do you like ALL games? from FPS to Dating sims to Horror games to Sports games to Adult games? do you like ALL art? Surrealism, sculpture, comics, abstract, even those where they splash paint and call it a day? really? i dont think im asking for a lot when it comes to being specific. some asks literally just go ‘im a bi female, 5′3, i like gaming and drawing, im sometimes shy but i can be sassy at times’. 

with everyone being so similar and vague, how am i supposed to give a match i feel is right? i might as well take everyones favourite boy david elizabeth strider and talk about how he likes your art and how he likes gaming and oh isnt it so great that you two like music. 

there are some unique ones, and its pretty obvious which ones they are because ive put in more love into them. and i havent been able to do that to many asks. 

and the physical descriptions. while im sure some of the characters do have types and preferences, i dont care for appearances. i dont care if youre fat or skinny, i dont care if youre tall or short, brown hair or blonde. you being morbidly obese or morbidly skinny may affect the match depending on how i feel the characters might respond to someone with those physical traits, but they shouldnt matter. 

i dont need how you look. i dont want how you look. its shallow and unimportant. it takes up space in the ask, because you could be using it to describe your personality or interests in detail. not that youre limit to one ask, you can send in an entire fucking fourteen page essay and id match you, as long as youre telling me something i can pair you with. 

telling me youre ‘chubby’ or ‘blonde’ doesnt help visualise shit. this shouldnt be new information to you or anyone else. writing shit like ‘he loves your curves!’ or ‘she likes how short you are because it makes you cute’ is bullshit and is simply self-serving nonsense. yes, its an additional bonus if your lover likes how youre short or fat, but that shouldnt be why theyre in love with you. a paragraph based on how much they like to hold you are appreciate your body is utter fucking nonsense. you appreciate your own body, and thats it. 

i dont feel inspired when i look at some of these asks. i dont feel like i should answer any of these because a) im not obligated to, this blog is just a side hobby and b) id be writing something i dont enjoy for people who might also not enjoy it. i dont deserve to sit at my laptop and write something i feel doesnt represent my work or ideas well, and the person who im matching doesnt deserve the half-assed boring paragraph of nonsense im pulling out of my ass just to clear the inbox. 

ive taken some time away from this blog and upon receiving this ask, i wanted to use the same old excuse every other blog uses: ‘we’ve been busy, so we went on an unannounced hiatus’. 

but thats not true. with the pandemic forcing lockdowns, theres essentially nothing else for us to do. if anything, this would mean that we have more time to write. 

so there it is. my truthful answer as to why nothings coming out of this blog.

part of this is my fault. i thought that maybe i could force myself to match all those vague asks that feel like theyre about the same person, just with a couple of changes. but i cant. i wont. im not going to keep writing shit i dont like, and im not going to keep giving half-assed matches, giving characters people are at the very least sure to be okay with. 

i want to write exciting, unique and adorable relationships. i thought that with the homestuck fandom being so vast and creative, maybe i would get the chance to meet and write for a couple of people who were just so different it would make pairings id never thought of. 

but nah, it looks like everything is the same. all the anon asks start to bleed together. the responses start becoming the same. im given descriptions that sound so tame, so generalised. like somehow, youre afraid of letting me know who you are as a person. or not, perhaps you just struggle with expressing yourself. thats why youre using anon to send in your ask, isnt it? 

i turned anon on because i wanted to respect privacy. i wanted people to be able to send in each and every detail about themselves while remaining behind a mask so they could get the best match without exposing every inch of themselves on a blog. maybe that was my mistake. 

ill leave the matches open, but im only going to do the ones that interest me. but if you decide that you dont give a fuck about the quality of the match, tell me or something. i have drafts that i can just post. maybe youd like that. 

-pretty obviously, mod olio.

[ilovetuds]

So I'd like to write my opinion towards the so waited last movie of the loved franchise How to Train your Dragon, the post will contain Spoilers so if you didn't watch it yet I recommend not reading this post. I was quite disappointed with the movie but there were also parts I really enjoyed, like I said at the beginning its my opinion and I just want to share the cons and pros of that animated movie (AGAIN IN MY PERSPECTIVE), I just felt like it had more potential than what we got and it left a lot of unsweared things about the plot of the whole dragon universe created by them and felt a little lazy.

CONS:

1- This one made me feel uncomfortable, the whole snoutloud and valka ( Hiccup's mother) kinda romance, he was clearly into her and fighting to get her attention. Common if that's not at least a little bit disturbing? It's like one of your friends start to hit on your mom, its just weird. In the end of the movie we are not sure if they will have something or not, she praises him and he gets all lovey dovey. (FOR THOR NO, PLEASE NO) 2- OKAY THIS ONE IS THE THING THAT I WAS PASEKAEOSAKOEA (really annoyed), for me the last villain, the so called 'Night Fury' killer, the one who everyone was afraid of and said he was some master of the hunt, he was pretty shallow and dumb. His character was not really detailed and his reason to kill all Night Furys was even worse. He tells Hiccup when he killed his first Night Fury his whole tribe cheered because of that, so he just decided he wanted to kill all of them, I mean that's a good reason for a villain, pride or whatever you want to call it but not for the "ultimate villain", it's just really weak and lazy plot. Maybe I should put topics here about him, I watched the whole series and read the books so I might get a little into them now:

a. He doesn't look scary at all! I mean common when we had villains like Drago who had a really cool concept, a tough looking guy who called himself Dragon God or Dargo Bloody Fist, and the guy is 50 old! The guy enslaved dragons, controlled na Alpha dragon and he even rode Toothless. He was a hell of a villain he was really a madman. Now let's talk about Krogan, if you watched the netflix series you know him. The man is fucking awesome and you can actually fear him, he has a hell of a dragon as a 'partner', has a cool scar and a tough face, he's brave and fiercefoul, you don't want to mess with that dude. He ran to every fight with his dragon or without, let's not forget he captured a titan dragon! And his plans were smart too, it was a character that had knowledge and was a really amazing. We shall not forget about Viggo Grimborn, for me one of the best character in the series, you never know if you can trust him or not, he is the Crime Lord his whole appearence on the series was amazing, you saw him grow as a character and he had a lot of good plans and traps agaisnt the raiders. And we shall not forget about Johann, the man used the vikings for years and never revealed his true intentions, he was a master mind really good villain and a big plot twist in the whole universe. I could mention some other small villains here and there but my point is, all of them were really smart and were challanging for the gang to beat, with the so called "Night Fury Killer" was really dumb and he felt not so special, he had no good plan or a good reason for you to like, hate or fear him, he was just there because they needed to show the guy almost wiped all the little toothless off the earth. His character was really dissapointing to me.

b. We wanted to see new dragons, and especially new 'bad dragons' and we got some cool scorpion like dragons, nothing super creative and new, because we had the Triple Stryke already, (which is na awesome dragon). He had to drug those dragons to obbey him, which doesnt explain how they would listen to just him it made no sense at all. They were strong yea, but they were also dumb. Toothless got rid of 5 or 6 of them so easily it felt stupid. Like no challange whatsoever. 

c. His poison darts were na idea we seen in the whole franchise a lot, so nothing new, I know it is a movie for kids but his darts could be deadly, like when he shot the dragon who charged after him, it would add a lot more to his character as evil and na asshole if he killed the dragon instead of putting it to sleep, just looked really overused to me. d. Overrall it was a really wasted character, the movie felt way too rushed and we didn't have time to see and develop anything for him. It was just a waste of animation and plot. 3- The light fury, I know a lot of people must be loving her concept, desing and etc etc, after all she is Toothless's mate, but her character at least for me wasn't much likeable. It seemed like she was just put there to end the story and to show the whole thing about growing up, because you will start to get distant of a lot of your friends and things change, because it is real life, that's true and we get it, but she as a character, she has no story, no explanation and we don't even get to know more about her. Again it felt really rushed. Don't get me wrong, I know it would be a lot of things to cover in a movie, but the whole franchise was always about giving and learning about dragons and how they react and their characteristics, so when we get nothing explained or the whole let's study this dragon or Fishleg's thirst for knowledge ( I do know he tried to draw her but he gave up too easily and didn't really seemed that interested) is dissapointing... It was finally someone Toothless could relate to and not be the end of his species, the way they should've dealt with it should've been different. There was more promo than plot. FISHLEGS DIDN’T EVEN CARE TO NAME HER, THATS HOW SPECIAL SHE WAS.

4- Hiccup's friends, his friends weren't really that important and funny, I get this whole movie is supposed to be more grown up, but we grew up with them, it felt like they were more like background characters than secondary. I think there were less dialogs and interactions between all of them, kinda sad.

5- Again the movie felt really rushed I don't think they covered things that were important for the end of the plot and focused on shallow and stupid things.

6- The hidden world, I wanted to learn and to see more of the hidden world, how it worked, the new species there, something, anything. Instead we just got a grumpy toothless going back to the new Berk with Hiccup and a stupid chase. I found something really strange too, with that many dragons, there should've been an Alpha, another dragon other than Toothless, but it's too convenient that we learn that Toothless is also Alpha in the Hidden World, and not just that suddenly all the dragons see him as a superior. AGAIN RUSHED and lazy, IT WAS THE FUCKING HIDDEN WORLD OF THE LEGENDS....

7- If you watched the trailer you watched the movie. I dont know whats going on with some trailers nowadays, but they are showing too much and basically you can tell everything that it's going to happen. I think it's really dumb and disrespectful to the watchers. 

8- I know maybe you guys don't care but I really wanted to buy a new Toothless toy to put as a display on my computer, but the toys that were created for this movie, were really terrible looking and bad quality. And the new toothless (The huge one) is just the same as the other one from 2014, disapointing. 

9- They said all the dragons disappeared and bla bla, but we seen that there were dragons in the sea, in some islands really far far away and hidden caves all around the world. Maybe the dragons near Berk were gone, near the vikings but not all the dragons in the world. 

10- Where in the hell is Heather? Just that lol Where is Heather. Her dragon is sound and safe and didn't go to the hidden world. Neither did her brother's. Again a big flaw in the plot.

PROS 1- Okay I really liked the cinematography of this movie, you can tell how much they invested in it and how much they evolved, the animations, landscapes the dragons, the reflection on Toothless eyes were breathtaking. Amazing.

2- Toothless and Hiccup friendship, it is beautiful till the end, we love their friendship and how they interact with each other, theres no complain. Maybe we hate to see them getting apart because we realize that its what we are going to experience in some point of our lives, I thought I'd always see my friends from school and my friends that I had for more than 19 years, but time and life get in the way, friends will still be friends but you will likely see them less, which somehow make us sad. 

3- Astrid and Hiccup marriage, it was touching and cute, I did feel like it was more for fan service but it's alright, it was cute and they deserved each other. 4- Astrid Growth, she had na amazing develop as a character and being always there to help Hiccup was really a big plus for her. 

5- 'Mini meatlug' IT WAS ADORABLE ENOUGH SAID.

6- Hiccup realizing he had potential and with or without Toothless he would be a great leader, that is a really special moment in the movie and it's touching too, learning to believe in yourself and being independent.

7- Hiccup mother's appeared a lot during the movie, she had no super special scene but it was nice to see her and her adorable dragon. 

8- The new 'elk dragon' I'm sorry I don't know his name in english yet and I just wanted to write this fast cuz I mainly don't really have anyone who's a fan to talk about and I'm excited! Anyways, he is just so cuteee! 

9- The riders armors, it was a really cool idea and cool looking I approve that.

10- Toothless Babies, I really thought they would look cuter lol but I guess that's alright and we can't complain we got to see a nightlight fury babies for the first time so cuteee! Okaaaay if you guys want to add more points to my list or disccus about some feeel free! I want to talk about the moviee lol

#how to train your dragon #toothless #dragon #lightfury #night #nightfury #httyd #httyd 3 #how to train your dragon 2 #how to train your dragon 3 #netflix #dreamworks #franchise #movie #spoilers #cute #meatlug #fishlegs #hic #astrid

[cyno-sexual]

excuse no capitals and such i’m writing in haste

okay so here comes my thoughts on the v afterend (forgive):

first of all, cheritz and costs

i get it, the end of new content is nearing now even more, but for the love of god... this is way too expensive. i thought okay, 80 hg per ep, there are 6 eps and an ending you also gotta unlock after your choices, fair, you get a free talk with each choice. BUT.

100 HG TO RESET IT ALL AND “TRY AGAIN”?

arent you fucking milking too much there

where are the days when an episode like this cost 10 hg

this is a ripoff. it is unfair. those who werent grinding and/or didnt buy merch that came with free hg are going to suffer to unlock these rn. it is unfair af. unfair unfair unfair.

bad marketing.

very bad marketing.

okay salt over.... or not?

the case of rika

i get it, rika is the pet and the one to protect and shit for cheritz, but could you please stop pushing her down our throats for once. like, for real. no fantasy world exists where someone who did that many bad things would be let anywhere near people again, there is no such “nice judgment” here. and i hate that she gets away with it all again.

and this preacher of another dimension.... can it stop telling rika “lol youve done nothing wrong go and fulfill your destiny” bs. jfc.

i tried, i really tried, to feel the moment but it was full of cringe and forced crap. fake and shallow as fuck. i get that this Mika or who that she looked up to as a kid was toxic, but someone who is dying , cursing rika away and basically that making her go end her relationship with v and “embrace her devil”... are you fucking serious. idiocracy.

im not going to play through her backstory. i dont give 2 rats ass about it because its costly and i need my hg for saerans ending in the future, bye.

saving saeran

thank heavens. what i dont get is why it was neccessary to make everyone worry and not give contact of himself, and about saeran too, that he is alive there with him and is recovering. 

making saeyoung suffer for 2 more years, thanks a lot v.

im sure even if v told saeyoung he had saeran safe and sound, he would still have cried on his shoulder from happiness to know he was there, physically, and not some imagination, he was together again with his little brother who was the world to him. 

but other than this, thanks v for making me believe in you once more and saving my precious bean softboy. and being there to unconditionally love him like he deserves and so much more. 

aftermath

glad they didnt drag the prime minister case too much in the story, but i hate the aspect that “rika saved the day” basically. such bs. v had the info already that could uncover the truth about the twins. no fucking person gave any shit about rika’s words who were sane, that is if we were in reality... but nah, they needed to shine their rotten apple. (hence my fav quote from saeyoung the screenshot i posted before this post.)

the adopted kid of mc and v is adorable. i really loved the part about the twins being fond of her. of course they would relate to her a lot, and i adored the detail that they werent looking for romance in their own lives - they were happy just being with each other, brothers and soultwins. i always felt this way about them, that if mc were to end up with anyone else than either of the twins, they would find their happiness anyway with each other. not everything has to be about love and relationship, and thats the beauty of it. i am all for this part of the ending.

also cute that everyone is giving a buncha gifts to the kid, and saeyoung wants her to become an engineer. way to go babe, defying gender-roles assigned by society :D

and last but not least........ VANDERWOOD.

preaches. i loved his addon to the story. that he would be the one to talk some sense into Seven (though I’m sure Jumin’s speech was needed too.) and the one not giving up on him and moping in the background or excusing themselves to be “just as pained by the events”. he didnt have 2 fucking dots to connect with rfa which is possibly why he could be the most rational person to speak to Seven, because he didnt know rika or rfa or the stupid cult mint eye. but he knew Seven. or at least a huge side of him. and he believed in him.

and he hid this all under some maid-like bitching. love it.

I’m pumped for Saeran afterend now, whenever it comes. i hope i won’t need to recharge HG for it though, cuz.... I’m around 700 HG now. and I’m not wasting any of it on rikas crap story.

#mysme spoilers #mah thoughts #hhhhhhhh dont come at me bitching just cuz this will be in the tags of spoilers #thank in advance #you cant change my mind rika still did everything wrong so #dont want to hear it dont read it its under readmore for a reason

[dinosourjimin-blog]

~Beautiful Minds~Spencer Reid~part 7

I walked into the Bau swiping my card against the cold metal and pushing the doors open "whats this I here about you and Doctor Reid??"Morgan said "What!-when!-who told you!?? garcia!-what!"I said He laughed "chillax,I won't tell anybody"Morgan said "a certain technical analysis is the first name on my hit list!"I said "You have a hit list?"He asked "I do now!"I said "You've got a crush on spencer!"he said "don't!- say it so loud.."I looked around he laughed "It's okay Babycakes Secret's safe with me,for now"Morgan said "what secret?"I heard a voice behind me "NOthi-" "Sarah has a crush on Reid"Morgan told Prentice I hit him in the shoulder "I knew it!"Prentiss said "knew what?"reid appeared "Nothing!?!"I said "nothin"Morgan said "nope.."prentiss said he furrowed his brows "goodmorning"I said he laughed I looked at morgan "I will crush you with my PhD Derrick Morgan"I said "exit stage,agent Morgan"he said "Yeah you better run!"I said throwig an eraser at him spencer laughed "what was that about?"spence said "agent Sarah.Grey.Rossi...honey where have you been all my life?!"I heard a familiar voice Reid and I turned "Deeds!?"I said "In the flesh"he said I gave him a hug "what the hell are you doing in Virginia!!"I said "came to see my favorite girl what else?"He said "Your a bad liar,Oh! this is my friend and co worker..Spencer Reid"I said Spencer waved akwardly but Deed's being Deeds...he had an alpha male personality,he Ignored Spencer "Im here to work a case,and to see you of course"Deed's said "flatterring"I said "Isn't it?"Deed's said "the conferance room is..back this way"I said he followed Reid and I to the confrence room "Detective Deeds how wonderful to see you"Hotch said "Deed's is the best they could do? really?"dad said I shrugged"It is Quantico"I said "Okay ten year old Sammy Sparks, comes to his elementary school covered in blood when the teachers contacted his parents they found they had been murdered "and the kid just walks to school casually??"Deeds said "Sammy's autistic"I said "getting him to tell us what happened won't be easy"emily said "It's do-able"I said "what are you a specialist in autism now?"Deeds said Morgan was about to say something "Ignore him"I said ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I'll be damned...Your dad has a private jet?"Deed's said "Yep.."I said reading over the file Deeds sat beside me on the couch putting his arm around me "Oh dear this is gonna be a long case...what the hell are you doing"I said "reading"he said pulling the file into his lap "Great,have it,I've memorized it"I said standing up "so what are you gonna ask the kid? gonna do some sign language? or maybe just click your tounge a few times that might work"Deeds said "Your making me angry"I said "You should cuff him so he doesn't hit himself"he said the team looked over at him but he didn't notice "Im gonna hurt you"I said "you and what army?"he said tugging my brown hair 'playfully' I elbowed him in the mouth and he fell to the floor I put my knee on Deed's chest "listen up Detective Douchebag,i don't need an army,and I'll be damned if your going near that kid,Im not sure why Terrick would send YOU of all people but your knowledge and charachter traits are as deep as a kiddy pool Your dominant personality Is really about to Piss me off!!!Your nothing but a bully with a badge deeds! and one more thing!! don't.touch.Me.Got it! cause I will send your Arrogant,alpha male ass backpacking back to boston in T minus three!!"I said My father simply laughed "You get your temper from your mother"He said ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hey Sammy"reid said softly as he entered the room awe "im doctor Spencer Reid...this Is agent Sarah Grey..we're looking for your aunt and your uncle.."spencer said sitting on the coffee table he had a notebook with a variety of 'L's everywhere "did 'L' take them??"Spencer said he said nothing the sheriff touched Sammy's shoulder,he screamed and started rocking back and forth "autistc children don't like to be touched"Spencer said Sammy started drawing L in mid air "I think he's trying to tell us something"Spencer said "most autistic chilren have special things like toys and books...Im gonna go to the crime scene to see if I can find it,maybe he'll feel more comfortable"I said Reid nodded "oh,and whatever Detective ass wipe says to you...just ignore him he's a shallow insecure bully"I said "i know,It was actually funny when you layed him out on the plane"he laughed i smiled ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ There was a piano in Sammy's house...I found his favorite toy and something intresting...It was a flip book full of..sammy's life? at a certain time each day sammy would be somewhere..either at his parents store,playing the piano,at school..or somewhere else like the park at first i thought nothing of it but then it hit me ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Look!"I said putting the flipbook on the table "a..childs flip book?"Deeds said "How are you still alive!!?-Sammy looks at this book every single day he see's his life in a constant pattern! this is his language!"I said "the text analyst can unscrabble autistic ten year old too,you never cease to impress"Deed's said "Shh!"I said pulling out sammy's notebook...I looked at the photos carefully "Reid what color socks are you wearing today?"I said "anchors and fish"He said dorkably GOD YOUR SO CUTE SPENCER FUCKING REID "This one!-It's reid's sock! and thats?? thats morgan's boot treds"I said "whats the L?"Hotch said "It's not an L,Its a time...Sammy has a strict schedule,he goes certain places at certain times! Its three o'clock!"I said "your extremely...confusing"Deeds said "dammit Deeds! the store!! go to the store and look at the security footage from three o'clock thursday evening!"I said ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The unsubs name was Todd harshly,he was on the verge of losing his house and killed the family for their money ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "h-hey sarah?? do you-...have a minute?"Reid said "I can make one for my favorite doctor"I said turning in my desk chair "i-uhm....there's a-...a meteaor shower tonight-...and- well i thought-...It might be intresting"He said I wasn't following but he was so friggin cute "d-do you wanna...wanna watch it-...with me?"He said I smiled brightly "I would love to"I said he smiled "great! great! follow me!"He said he led me to the roof of the Bau...to the very edge "sit"he said "What if I fall!"I said "Im not gonna let you fall Sarah I promise"he said extending his hand I touched Reids hand and it felt like a fire started in my gut... I put my legs one by one over the ledge and sat close to Reid,Who still held my hand "you have pretty hands.."I said observantly "Thank you.."he said I laughed "most people would say you had pretty-eyes or-Lips..or your hair looked nice-But-well I suppose thats nice about you to-i mean really there's nothihg wrong with your appearrence your just-just reid-pretty-Or-wait?that-what...and i-Like that about you??-what the hell am i saying"I said in a big rambeling cluster "I think you called me Pretty?"specer said "No!? what??-I-i did? did I??"I said " I think you did"He said "I-Im-...Im sorry it j-just sort of-came out i- didn't mean to make you uncomfortable-Im sorry.."I said "Im not uncomfortable at all.."reid said "Your-..not?"I said "no...I mean-...If it where up to me I would sit on this roof everynight if it meant you would hold my hand.."spencer said "Why me..there's other..Less damaged-wierd socially akward,prettier girls out there other than me,Im sure any of them would hold your hand"I said "Your not pretty...your artwork Sarah, every thing about you is created to be breath takingly gorgeous..and-...here lately I can't focus on anything when your in the room,and I love it when you talk because it gives me a reason to stare at you...your-smart and...kind and...I remember you telling me to find someone to hang onto so...so if you'll let me...I want to hang onto you...just like this...because-I-I really Like you..Sarah??and It's not some psychological thing t-that a doctor can cure It's something i don't understand,My chest feels tight when I hear your voice and when you laugh it's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard-when your standing next to me i can't move,i get butterflies in my stomach and when im around you my headaches aren't so bad...and with several months of teasing,and convincing from morgan and Garcia..I like you"he said "nobody's really ever said anything like that to me before...I like you too...and I have for a while.."I said "c-can i-can I try something.."He said "Yes"I piped "close your eyes"he said I closed my eyes I felt a warm sensation on my lips and-holyshitimkissingspencerfuckingreidicantbreathsomeonecallhelpcallmydadcallthepopecallsomedamnbodyamidreaming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I gasped when he pulled away "w-what was that"I said "My first kiss?"Spencer said "what?!"I said "what!? whats wrong?"spencer said I kissed him again "Nothing! absolutley nothing!"I said he smiled i looked out to the sky "hey sarah..."he said "hmm?"I said "i think we missed the meteaor shower.."He said

#idea #hotch #garcia #jj #reid #imagine #spencerreid #rossi #morgan #cm #criminalminds #ncis #quantico

[artificialqueens]

for all the honest world to feel (trixya) (5/8) - dare

Brian stared down at his screen, trying to understand what he was seeing – the mild frown on Katya’s face, and the other queen, hands raised, standing just out of frame beyond the gap in the bus bunk curtain.

(AN: so this is… long and sad. finally-throwing-in-an-angst-tag-at-the-bottom levels of sad. warnings for unsafe alcohol use and overdrinking; as usual, “she/her” for adore and “he/him” for trixie (brian) and katya. also, this might read a little weird, but i made the executive decision not to name the weho queen who’s been giving trixie shit because (contrary to, uh, all other signs, i guess) i don’t actually want to speculate on who’s a douche and who isn’t in the ru girl community. so that’s also a thing. 

(OH, and, there’s more lyrics in this one, please don’t judge me, it’s very hard to try to measure up to trixie’s irl songwriting chops lmao)

this week on honest world: shit’s sad. shit’s real sad.)

| ch. 1 | ch. 2 | ch. 3 | ch. 4 |

FROM: SHEA - 9:57 AM - Sunday August 24th, 2017

[Attachment: IMG_3782.MOV]

Girl.

If you dont wife her up I will.

FROM: KIM - 10:03 AM - Sunday August 24th, 2017

holy shit

i don’t think i’ve ever seen her mad. like for real

FROM: SHEA - 10:04 AM - Sunday August 24th, 2017

This was some WWF shit girl. That bitch will be feeling it for a while.

FROM: KIM - 10:05 AM - Sunday August 24th, 2017

katya’s from boston. she’s 90% salt, 5% feelings, 5% inner saboteur and 100% ready to fight

FROM: SHEA - 10:05 AM - Sunday August 24th, 2017

Thats a lot of math, Kimberley

FROM: KIM - 10:05 AM - Sunday August 24th, 2017

are you being racist? don’t be racist shea. omg.

someone had to count trixie’s tips for her when she was passed out drunk in my bed

FROM: SHEA - 10:07 AM - Sunday August 24th, 2017

*Steal trixie’s tips from her.

FROM: SHEA - 10:15 AM - Sunday August 24th, 2017

Trisha baby if you’re out there we love you girl okay? call us any time xxxx

*

Brian stared down at his screen, trying to understand what he was seeing – the mild frown on Katya’s face, and the other queen, hands raised, standing just out of frame beyond the gap in the bus bunk curtain.

“You know,” Katya was saying, perfectly conversational, “I found it kind of cute at first? Like a puppy trying to fight itself in the mirror – or one that can’t, you know. Stop pissing itself. You know what I mean? Funny but sad. But I don’t think I find it funny anymore.”

The other queen laughed nervously. “Come on, Katya –”

“I’m not laughing. Why are you laughing?” said Katya, raising his eyebrows. “I’m not laughing.”

The laughter stuttered into silence. Over the mic, Brian heard Shea expel a slow, cautious breath.

Katya tilted his head, and the expression on his face darkened like a spring storm. “I want to make it really clear to you how far you’ve managed to over-reach yourself, that you’ve actually crossed my limits. ‘Cause I don’t care how you run things in your club, how you treat your friends, whatever – that’s none of my business, since I don’t work in your club and I’m not your friend. Oh, in case you hadn’t noticed – I’m not your friend. FYI. Because you’ve been acting like I am, and I think it’s time for that to stop.”

The raised hands dropped out of sight. “Jesus. Why don’t you tell me how you really feel.”

And that – Brian winced despite himself. That was a mistake.

Katya grinned, showing too many teeth. “Can I? I’d like that, thanks.” He tapped his fingers rapidly against the side of his thigh. “I feel like you’ve gotten a little too comfortable as top dog in your scene, and when Trixie showed up and didn’t line up to eat you out like everyone else does, your ego plummeted out of your ass. And what we’ve been seeing for the past half a year – can I repeat that? It’s been half a year, which is beyond pathetic – what we’ve been seeing is some kind of hemorrhoidal psychosis, as you take obsessive potshots at someone who couldn’t give less of a fuck about you. It’s not just pathetic – it’s harassment. You’re showing your whole ass right now but guess what, girl? We’ve seen it.”

“You said yourself you’re not in my scene, so don’t talk like you know shit,” the queen snapped back. Her voice tightened like a screw being ground into drywall. “The bitch could have tried to be friendly, for fuck’s sake –”

“You aren’t being very smart right now,” Katya interrupted, with all the force of a tire iron punching through a sheet of glass. “This might be a good time to consider your word choice, if there ever was one. That would be the smart thing here.” Teeth again, manic. “You want friendly? I can do friendly. We have another week on tour – you want me to do friendly. Because the alternative is that I freeze you out, publicly and professionally, and I make your life and your career outside of that fucked up, incestuous bubble of a scene you’ve pissed all over very difficult. Am I – am I being clear? I want to be very clear. You’ve messed up enough shit in my life, and I want this over with.”

There was a pause and a shift in the shadows beyond the curtain – nodding.

“Good. So here’s how this is going to go.” A wooden sound, rap, Katya’s knuckles against the bunk frame. Brian could make out the rise and fall of Katya’s chest, shallow and too fast, in the gap between the curtains. “You don’t post about Trixie. You don’t talk about her. If, God forbid, the opportunity arises, you don’t talk to her. That last one is for you – I’m a lover, not a fighter, but it is my strong suspicion that if you pull this to her face one more time, she will beat the ever-loving shit out of you. Just a – a pro-tip, let’s call it. An insight.”

There was a weak laugh. “She can try it. Jesus, Katya, come the fuck on –”

Slam – an open-handed palm against the wood. “Do you think I’m fucking around here? I’m not. Don’t fucking push me on this.”

Brian had heard Katya angry a handful of times in his life. He’d never heard him like this. This wasn’t Katya out of control; this was Katya very near the end of his rope, and aware of every inch he had left, making them count.

The sick feeling in Brian’s stomach crept higher. He pressed his knuckles against his mouth.

“You stop coming for Trixie,” Katya was saying. “No more posts on facebook, no more whispers at shows. No more shit-talking to promoters – yeah, I asked around, I heard about that. Not that it did you much good. It has to hurt, I think – does it? Knowing that Trixie’s booking is worth more than your word? That’s gotta sting. But I’m not sure how much of a hold your word even has anymore, you bitter fucking cunt.”

Shea, behind the camera, drew in a shocked breath at the pure vitriol in Katya’s voice.

There was a stillness to the air for a long moment, like the silence after a hurricane has swept the earth bare and ragged. Then the other queen laughed again; louder this time, acidic, but with a definite note of finality – of defeat.

“If everyone could see you now,” she said.

Katya barked a laugh of his own. “Girl, they wouldn’t care. I’m America’s fucking sweetheart.” He stepped back and waved a hand in the space visible between the curtains; it was shaking finely, Brian could see it. “Get the fuck out of here. I’m not dealing with you today. Call back tomorrow – I’ll be friendly again.”

The curtains fluttered as hurried footsteps passed by and receded out of the room, the door to the common lounge sliding open and then shut.

Katya’s shadow shifted. Back and forth, like he was caught up on a decision; then he said, quiet, muffled: “fuck.” Footsteps rang in the opposite direction – towards, Brian assumed, his own bunk, as there was the fumbling sound of feet on rungs and then the rattle of metal rings as the curtains were pulled shut.

The camera reversed. Shea stared up at it, her eyes filling most of the screen, hilariously wide and scandalized. Then the video went black – and flicked back to that first still, frozen, the anger on Katya’s face deepening the hollows of his cheeks, his eyes throwing sparks through the screen.

Brian stared down at the rictus of his face, then pressed the phone down screen-first beside him into his mattress. The hard lines of its body bit into the insides of his fingers.

Fuck. What the fuck.

He could stop the video, but he couldn’t make his brain put away the tired lines that had cut into Katya’s face, or the ragged edge of his voice, or how the sound of his palm hitting solid wood had rung through Shea’s bunk, bouncing thickly off the walls.

The room was too small. Brian dragged himself up and went out into the living room, phone in his fist tucked into his pocket, but out there it was too big, and his skin felt all wrong, and he wanted to call Katya but he couldn’t make himself do it.

Katya hadn’t called or texted since the night of the pageant, when Brian had waited and waited all night but the internet – and that fan in the bar who’d clocked him – had stayed miraculously silent. Katya hadn’t called, or texted, or tweeted, or even updated his fucking instagram.

God.

Brian’s phone buzzed suddenly in his pocket and he almost threw it at the balcony doors in his haste to get it out. He fumbled it awake – and then he saw the name on the screen, and his shoulders slumped again.

FROM: ADORE - 10:28 AM - Sunday August 24th, 2017

I forgot to ask but can u water my plants??? this is the longest ive gone without killing any of them :(

LA sucks.

it’s like *jaws theme* all the time. and i forgot my sunglasses

He swiped his phone unlocked and read through the texts, mouth twitching feebly towards an almost-smile. It buzzed in his palm again and a picture appeared – Adore, nose scrunched, squinting into the sky.

Brian typed back, i promise, you can definitely afford another pair of sunglasses. and yes, your plants are safe in my hands.

The answer came quickly, every letter infused with the kind of wry snark that Adore was so good at: dont make promises my lawyers can’t keep

Brian huffed a quiet laugh. The sound was swallowed up in the space of the apartment, a small rock dropped in a large lake, not even reaching far enough to touch the walls.

*

Adore had come out the morning after that night to find him on the couch, his guitar abandoned on the coffee table, staring out into the thin morning light. It wasn’t even 7 AM. He’d gotten four or so hours of restless sleep before giving up on it; the room was lit such a soft grey that he might as well have wrapped in a dream anyway. He’d been staring out at the clouds and the inkstain crows flecked along the telephone wires for so long that they’d blurred, like an impressionistic painting – barely real.

Adore had gone and sat beside him. Then she’d leaned over, carefully, and rested her head on his shoulder. He’d shuddered – one long wave through his whole body. She was warm. When she breathed her chest expanded against his arm, slow and steady like waves coming into the shore. He’d only been able to bear it for a few minutes before he’d had to get up, fingers twitching at his side; he’d given her an apologetic smile, and she’d watched him walk back to his room with her chin on her wrist, her forearm braced against the back of the couch.

He’d checked twitter one more time, and then fallen into deep, exhausting sleep.

*

“That’ll be thirty-two dollars and forty cents, please,” said the bored young woman behind the till, eyeing his – genuinely embarrassing – collection of groceries: ramen noodles, tomato sauce from a jar, the kind of shitty white wine he’d drunk in senior year of college, and stuff to make a salad, out of the idealistic hope that he might actually make a salad.

“I’ll just put that on my credit card,” Brian said. He watched her surreptitiously as she entered the amount onto the card reader. Adore had brought him here a few times, but he didn’t recognize her.

“This your first day?” he said, then winced.

“Huh?”

“I mean. Are you new?”

Now she was eyeing him, even less impressed than she’d been by his groceries. “No…”

“Oh.” He ran a hand over his head awkwardly. He’d forgotten his cap at home. “I just, I haven’t seen you here before. I thought…”

Her mouth twitched, and she popped her gum, a sharp snap in the air. The sound was somehow scornful. “Listen, mister – I’m working, you know, and even if I weren’t, I don’t go out with the kind of guy that bothers –”

“Oh my god, no,” Brian said, flushing, “Oh my god, no, I’m gay. What? No.”

“Oh,” she said. She started turning red too. “Oh. Shit – uh, I mean –”

He laughed awkwardly. “Don’t worry about it. Sorry for being, uh, super weird and stuff.”

The lights overhead were the sickly fluorescent yellow of small-time grocery stores everywhere. He could have been anywhere – east coast or west, north or south, any timezone, any city, any tour. His shoes squeaked on the floor when he shifted from heel to heel.

How was it less than a week ago that he’d felt so at home in this city he didn’t know at all?

“Your receipt,” the cashier said. She held it out towards him, then hesitated visibly. “Listen, uh… are you okay, man?”

He shrugged, stilted, and took the receipt, then grabbed the bags by their handles. “Oh, you know. More of the same,” he said.

It was awful to realize he meant it.

*

Touring was a little bit like being a ghost in your own body. You were breathing and eating and sleeping, but you might as well have been walking through walls, the way you drifted from place to place, squinting at google maps on your phone, talking to people whose names you’d either forget within five minutes or never knew in the first place. You could be anywhere at all; you might as well be nowhere.

Brian drank shitty wine and played into the night, the notes echoing hollowly across the big empty space of Adore’s living room. Music usually anchored him into his body on the road. Every chord brought him a little closer, the muscles, tendons, bones of his hands all tuned in to the melody with the ease of years. He could close his eyes and wherever he was, he was home.

But each time he opened his eyes again he was someplace new.

Seattle wasn’t a tour stop, but its grey skies, the neighbours he ran into on the staircase, the people he saw in the grocery store – none of them were home. But, fuck it, neither was LA, where he spent a few days every month or two and sometimes found himself waking up wondering whose walls he was looking at. And where the fuck did that leave him?

He played a sour note, paused, and corrected himself. Breathed. Tried to bring Emmylou’s lilting refrain back under his fingers.

Without Adore’s voice in the next room livestreaming her way out of boredom, the apartment grew stale and shadowed; without Katya’s calls every night, the days seemed endless, a pale stretch of hours where he did nothing and saw no one. And as each hour ticked past on the clock it became more and more obvious that the veneer of sunshine he’d pasted over Seattle with Adore’s friendly warmth and the sound of Katya’s smile was just that – a veneer.

Another sour note. He stopped and lay his guitar flat in his lap, then picked up his glass on the coffee table and drained it.

His phone lay still and silent beside the wet ring his glass had left on the wood.

He flicked a bit of lint from the couch off his boxers and took up his guitar again, tracing out the melody that he’d been chasing these past weeks on automatic. The sky outside was ripening, edging into evening. It was almost fall. He’d been in Seattle for three weeks, and it seemed he really hadn’t moved an inch.

He could call Katya. He could suck it the fuck up and call Katya, because maybe Katya was waiting for him to call. Maybe this whole ‘respecting Katya’s space’ thing he was doing was totally misguided, and Katya was waiting beside the phone every minute that he wasn’t out there defending Brian’s honour or whatever that was.

I fucked you up, he could say. I was so busy pretending that everything was fine now and my problems were gone because they weren’t yelling in my face every two seconds that I didn’t realize I was setting us both up to get hurt. I was so fucking stupid, Katya, and I’m so – I’m so sorry.

And Katya would say…

What?

I just want you to be okay, if he was feeling self-sacrificial; it’s your irrepressible Virgo energy, if he was feeling avoidant. Maybe, maybe, I thought you said you didn’t lie to me, and you weren’t going to start, if he was feeling particularly honest.

Katya was always honest, more or less. It was just that the truth was flexible, more conversation than monologue, and irony always had to have the last word. Brian, meanwhile, was just a bit of a liar.

Not with Katya, though. Not before. And he hadn’t meant to – he really hadn’t meant to, not even for a second; it was just –

Fuck.

It’s worse than I was letting myself feel, Brian could say. There’s things I don’t know how to tell you. Because it is about you.

His throat tightened; he let go of the frets. He grabbed for his drink blindly and for his notebook with his other hand. Resting it against the body of his guitar, he opened to a blank page and scrawled,

You fought yourself to bring all your feelings down to heel,

and if you stopped yourself from looking, was it ever really real

but everyone’s been looking

and you –

Something inside of him was drifting dangerously, thin tethers tied to his ribs all that held it in place, like a threadbare sail on fraying ropes. The words on the page blurred in front of his eyes. He raised his glass to his mouth but the rim bumped against his teeth and nothing came out. Empty.

He frowned down at his cup. Like, fuck that nonsense. He’d put good money down on those teeth.

The wine sloshing into the glass when he poured himself another sounded like the ocean creeping onto the shore on a windless day. Like Provincetown – another place he’d gone to hide; another town full of strangers. He set the bottle back on the table, cap off, and picked up his guitar again.

*

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday he went running in the morning like nothing had changed. Before, Adore would be waking up when he got back; one of them would make breakfast, then they’d jam for a while, and then Adore would smoke up and Brian would text Katya, if he hadn’t already done so.

Now Brian just jogged. Further and further each day, until Thursday found him running along the seaside, pounding the pavement with salt stinging the inside of his mouth on every inhale. The sky was a soft feather blue, the ocean a deep silk bedsheet wavering in his peripheral vision – and then the mass of Pike Place rose up in front of him. Before he could think about it, his feet were carrying him inside; past the florists, past the bursting orange and red arrays of fresh fruit, and down the stairs to the magic shop’s door.

He wiped the sweat off his forehead with the collar of his tank top, grimaced, then pushed the door open and stepped inside.

It was just-opened quiet on the floor. No customers, no music; just a vague shuffling from behind the counter. “Just a minute,” the shuffler called. “If this accursed speaker breaks on me one more time…”

There was a crackling sound from the speakers set high in the walls, like a cheap firework skidding along cement, and then a whole storm of swearing below the counter.

“Uh,” Brian said. He approached cautiously. “Can I take a look? I might be able to help.”

“No, it’s really fine –” A frazzled head popped up from behind the register. “Oh! It’s you! I know you. You think you can fix it? The damn thing goes off all the time, the wiring’s too old –”

Brian shrugged. “I work in clubs and theatres and stuff, so I’ve picked up a thing or two. Let me see.”

Steph – that was her name, he remembered – was as curly-haired and strangely-dressed as when they’d met, with a sprig of rosemary tucked behind the large crow-shaped brooch pinned to her blouse and dust all over her knees. He crouched down beside her and squinted at the mess of wires and cords, poking a hesitant finger around and hoping he wouldn’t get fried. That sound had not been good.

“I think,” he said after a minute, “I think it’s this. Hang on. I’m gonna – if I die, tell my momma I loved her, and tell my dad –” he ducked further under the desk. “Well, whatever you like, if you can find him.”

She barked a laugh behind him.

He didn’t die, although he did burn his fingers a little bit, and when the music started playing (some kind of witchy Swedish wailing, possibly Bjork, Katya – Katya would know –) he let out a “Hah!” of triumph. Eat that, three years on the road and four years of theatre school and thousands of dollars funnelled directly into the University of Wisconsin’s incredibly deep pockets. Eat the shit out of that.

Steph helped him out with two hands around his forearm, shaking him delightedly once he was more or less standing. “You’re a miracle worker,” she said with a bright smile. “I should hire you on the spot, because clearly you’re the real magic here.”

He wiped the sweat off his forehead with his free arm and grinned down at her. Clear bright light was streaming through the high windows in the walls, glinting off her brooch, her earrings, the silver in her hair. Her smile and easy warmth was the same as it had been before, and, god, that was nice. “I’ve got greasepaint coming out of ears,” he said, shrugging modestly. “You can’t really call yourself a theatre kid until you’ve nearly died a dozen different ways trying to string up the speakers on the janitor’s old ladder. ”

“Different ways?”

He waved a hand. “You know, falling, electrocution – so boring. A good old-fashioned garrotte is where it’s at.”

Her eyes scrunched at the corners when she laughed. “I like you,” she said, grinning, “you’re strange,” and he grinned back, feeling lighter than he had all week.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he said. Then: “Oh, hey, the book you sold me is great. Who knew reading about the end of the world could make you feel better about life?”

“That’s right, the apocalypse poems, you…” Steph said, then paused. “God, I’m so sorry, I don’t remember your name. But you’re Danny’s friend, right?”

Brian blinked. Swallowed.

“Yeah,” he said; it came out forced, like he was overcompensating for something. “Yeah, sorry, it’s Brian. Yeah. I took some time off work and I’ve been staying with Danny.”

“Oh, do you work together?” she said, brightly and obliviously twisting the knife. “I know he does something or other with clubs and theatres and whatnot too. He’s very private about those things, but such a sweetheart. I haven’t seen him around in a while, though, how he is?”

“Away on business,” Brian said, “and, you know, we’ve been keeping busy otherwise. I’ll tell him you asked.” He wiped his palms against the sides of his shorts. “Listen, I actually – I should probably be going, actually. I’m supposed to be skyping him in about half an hour.”

An absolute lie, but Steph swallowed it without a flicker of suspicion. She smiled and pressed a hand to his arm. “Tell him I send my love. And thanks again for your help, Brian. I don’t know how many more shocks my old heart could take.”

“Oh stop,” he said, chuckling, and gave a little wave. “See you around, I guess?”

The polite small talk of strangers. Preferable to a slow death, but not by, like, a lot.

Brian took the stairs back up to the ground level slowly, although his heart rate was well back to normal by this point. He wandered out of the arcade, and turned, and walked, and turned, and then he was on a raised dock, leaning against a wooden rail next to a locked gate, which guarded the ramp down to the boats. The wood pressed into the front of his ribs. He curled his palms around the rail, ignoring the bite of splinters.

A light breeze ruffled his shirt and cooled his pink cheeks. The ocean stretched out before him, golden sunshine catching in the crests and troughs of the waves.

He closed his eyes.

*

At home, he typed, i hope you’re doing okay. i love you.

Deleted it.

Typed, today someone didnt recognize me and THAT made me sad. i think i need an intervention.

Deleted it.

Typed, went to the beach to sea what all the commocean was about but idk im still not shore

Deleted it.

Sighed, stared out the window, looked down at his feet.

Typed, i’m sorry. katya, i’m so sorry.

Deleted it.

*

“You’re so white from these shadowed winter months,” Katya crowed, shielding his eyes dramatically. “I don’t know if I can be seen with you.”

“You’re real white from being born, you know, caucasian and unfortunate, but I’ve suffered your company for years,” said Brian. He frowned and wiped at his nose where something wet was dripping – sweat or sunscreen, he didn’t know. “If you really can’t bear it, I’m sure I can find one of these tanned, strapping, oiled-up hunks of meat who’d be willing to walk with me –”

Katya grabbed his arm mid-gesture. “No no no, don’t you dare!”

“I’m just saying,” Brian continued, “you invited me, bitch –”

The shine of Katya’s grin, open-mouthed and laughing, was enough to blow his whole awful night out of the water.

They walked. The sun drew rippling air waves out of the too-hot cement; the ocean crashed beautifully green into the white shore. But it somehow wasn’t too crowded, for all that it was the dead of summer, the very peak of beach days. They moved in blissful anonymity. At one point, Katya bought him an ice cream. Brian ate it one-handed, making panicked noises and laughing as it dripped closer and closer to his hand. His other hand was – well. He’d taken Katya’s as they stood waiting for the cone, and he hadn’t let go yet. His stomach flipped giddily every time their steps fell out of sync – their palms would drag against each other, just for a moment, each time making him newly aware again of the calluses on Katya’s palm.

He traced his index finger along the big tendon on the back of Katya’s hand, and Katya glanced at him sideways, quick, lips parting on a short intake of breath. Brian licked at his ice cream and said nothing, warm and smug all over.

Sea breeze and the sting of salt. They leaned over the wooden rail, right into it, shoulders and hips pressed together. The blue stretched endless.

Katya started to turn red in the cheeks around four so they ducked for shade. Brian slouched back against the blush pink wall of some souvenir shop, under the awning, and Katya stood in front of him to block the sun from his eyes. One moment Brian was looking over Katya’s shoulder at the white gulls darting and dipping over the sea; the next, he was blinking up, and Katya was closer, leaning in, one hand on the wall beside his head, his gaze flickering over Brian’s face with the same combination of lazy ease and breathless flight as the birds in the air.

Brian blinked, processing, then licked his lips to wet them. “Feeling tall?” he said.

“Feeling lots of things,” said Katya, smiling faintly. “Tall may or may not be one of them. No one’s ever accused me of a Napoleon complex, Tracy – and my psychological rap sheet is longer than the Mariana Trench. You always take me to new and exciting places, did you know that? That’s why we’re friends.”

“I thought it was for the free therapy and life coaching.”

“Don’t undersell yourself, mama. What’s newer or more exciting than uncertified therapy and dubious life coaching?”

Brian laughed. “I don’t know that ‘new’ and ‘exciting’ are words that many people have applied to me – out of drag, at least.” His mouth twitched. “You might be du-biased.”

He expected Katya to throw back his head, lean away and laugh, but instead – Katya leaned closer, his eyes glinting with mirth. “I’m gonna kill you,” he said, “I’m gonna kill you right here and dump your body into the ocean in front of the tourists, God, and everybody, and no one will punish me when they hear about the years of pun-spewing bullshit you’ve put me through.”

He was so close. Brian’s stomach flipped again; he could feel Katya’s warmth all along him, make out the freckles on his nose. “Kill me?” he said, mouth dry.

Katya blinked. Something about the set of his jaw, the small lines around his eyes, seemed suddenly vulnerable, intense and somehow opened wide.

“Yeah,” he said after a moment. “Or, I dunno. Maybe that other thing.”

Brian held his breath. All he could hear was the crashing of the waves, loud and close – or maybe that was the sound of his heartbeat in his ears. He reached up and brushed the tips of his fingers along the sharp line of Katya’s cheek.

Katya’s chest hitched.

The breeze chased the sunlight through the empty pier, stirring the sand across the wood, and Katya leaned in, slow enough that Brian could stop him if he wanted. Brian didn’t. He lifted his face, eyes slipping shut; and Katya’s mouth fell on the corner of his, once, soft, then warm against his right cheekbone, and again on his left. Brian exhaled shakily.

“What,” he said, unsteady. “Can’t kiss me when the cameras aren’t on?”

Katya huffed a laugh, the breath warm on Brian’s face. He curled a hand below Brian’s ribs; his fingers dipped into the hollow in his tank top to brush against bare skin. Brian shivered. Voice barely louder than the wind in the distance, Katya said, “My life would be so much simpler if that were true.”

Brian opened his eyes. He looked up and met Katya’s gaze, and his mouth twitched, almost a smile. Katya’s stubble scratched at his fingertips as he settled his palm more firmly along the curve of his jaw. “Well, you’re not really a simple woman,” Brian said, and Katya was laughing when he leaned down and kissed him properly.

When he opened his eyes, the sun’s lowest rays had dipped below the edge of the awning, lighting Katya up in gold, and he tipped his head back to rest against the wall, wrapped his free arm around Katya’s waist, and said, “Come home with me.”

Except that’s not what happened at all.

When he opened his eyes, the sun was shining, and Katya was lit with gold, and he tipped his head back against the wall and thought about saying it –

– then smiled crookedly, and said instead, “You kiss like you have heat stroke.” And Katya threw back his head and laughed, wheezed, “no, just heat rash,” while the sun caught in his hair and lashes.

It’s not what happened, but it could have been. He could have taken Katya home, and pressed him up against the hallway inside his door, all that sun-warm skin under his hands. He could have kissed him the way he wanted to. He could have blown him right there with his knees sore against the hardwood, or taken his hand again and drawn him back into the bedroom, kissing him all the way. And after – Brian could have asked him to stay.

That wasn’t how it happened, but, crashed out on the couch in Seattle after his run, Brian dreamed every moment of it. Every inch of hot skin and the rasp of sheets and falling asleep together and waking up together. And when he woke up – alone – he pressed his hands flat against his stomach, feeling like something had been taken out of him. Feeling ill, feeling exhausted, feeling like his head was buzzing and his mind was five feet outside of his body.

Eventually he dragged himself up and fumbled for his phone. He wiped at the inner corners of his eyes with his knuckle as he thumbed it awake; then he pressed his palm over his face, exhaling shakily.

No new messages. Of course.

His whole body hummed feverishly, the twinned effect of the sun on his morning run and the one in his dream. Maybe that was what fucked over his self-control, that sick feeling like he was out of his head, or maybe he was just giving in to the inevitable – but, whatever it was, he opened his messages and, despite all his better judgement, typed out: check in?

Hating himself a little, he hit send.

When there was no response thirty minutes later, despite the read receipt that had popped up almost immediately, he left to go find something to drink.

*

“Oh hey, it’s you,” said the girl behind the counter. She eyed his purchases. “Wow. I didn’t think it could get sadder than last time…”

Brian huffed a short laugh. “Still gay, don’t worry.”

“Uh huh,” she said. She ran the first wine bottle – yes, first, thanks so much – under the scanner and hit a few buttons. “So is the whole sad and gay deal an aesthetic thing? How much Lana have you listened to in the past three days? I’m trying to decide if I should be staging an intervention that I’m – full disclosure – not really qualified for.”

“Do sad gays get a discount at this establishment?”

“Nope,” she said, popping it like bubblegum. “Sorry.”

She finished ringing him, his three bottles of wine, his pack of sour key candies, and his thoroughly depleted dignity through the machine.

“Credit,” he said, offering it over.

He was threading his hands through the bag handles, waiting for his card back, when she said, “Hey. What’s your name, man?”

He blinked. “It says on the card.”

“Yeah, whatever,” she said, handing it over wrapped in his receipt with an eye-roll. “So what is it?”

“Brian,” he said, and looked at the sallow lights on her face, wondering where she was going with this.

“Brian,” she repeated. “Hi, Brian, I’m Mariam.”

Her tone was conversational but somehow serious, weighted, and Brian – Brian swallowed against the sudden and unexpected feeling of his throat going tight.

“Now who’s hitting on who?” he managed, and she chuckled, but didn’t lose that look in her eyes.

“Brian. Take care of yourself, hey?” she said.

The lights glared brightly across the empty floor, the rows upon rows of no-name brands and the scuff marks on the shitty linoleum. She was watching Brian like maybe he needed watching. He swallowed again, and nodded, and left without another word.

*

Dust motes floated in the slowly draining sunlight when he returned to the apartment. The whole space of it echoed with the closing of the door. He kicked off his shoes, cracked open the first bottle, and went to get his guitar, glass in hand.

Hours passed. He drank more. He scribbled in his notebook, crossed things out, scrawled corrections in the margins. There was too much in his head. Words tumbled out like a hole had been torn somewhere, all the loose change and lint of his brain escaping despite his best efforts to plug the gap. His writing got sloppier, slanted; he wiped wine from his mouth with the back of his hand and turned the page.

The beach, the dream, the night before. The months of build-up, the moment of release. Wanting, wanting, he wanted so much and he had told himself, when he was a kid, that someday he would be able to have all the things he wanted. If he was smart enough and good enough, quick enough on his feet, he could make anything happen. But here he was: trapped into stillness as the path under his feet cut off abruptly. Because how could he have all the things he wanted when they existed at such cross-purposes?

Or was it just him? Not the fame, not the fans, not the industry, and certainly not Katya – maybe it was Brian at cross-purposes with all of it, putting himself in his own way, selfish and stubborn and cowardly, refusing to accept with good grace what the universe was offering him.

The sun dipped below the blocky Seattle skyline, the buildings across the road cast in radiant red, as he stumbled into the kitchen to open the third bottle. His hands slipped on the cap; he blinked wearily down at it, then out the window at the purples and pinks of the sky, dappled and streaked like watercolours. The sun was just a winking and burnished glare over the lip of the buildings. He inhaled deeply and it almost seemed like he could still taste salt in the air.

The skyline blurred before his eyes, replaced by the memory of the things his dream had omitted. Walking the long way back down the pier, Katya with one arm hooked around his elbow and the other hand clutching at his bicep like an ingenue, twitching with laughter every minute or so because apparently this was the most heterosexual he’d ever felt. Which, Katya had definitely licked at least one pussy in his day, so. What he meant was probably that it was dumb, and romantic, and brought them so much closer together than held hands as they made their way between the shadows of the tall lights that lined the boardwalk. The sun set in brilliant gold in the distance. Brian remembered the warmth of Katya’s chest against his arm; he remembered looking at Katya’s lips, then away, and wash, rinse, repeat; he remembered the sign they passed, jutting up out of the middle of the boardwalk: END OF THE TRAIL.

He remembered going home alone, flushed and giddy with the heat of the day, and turning on his phone to see a new notification from his facebook messages. date night tracy?, it said, captioning a photo of him and Katya on the boardwalk, arm in arm, the soft look on his face all too bare in the deep amber light of the sun setting over the ocean.

Brian shook his head, and poured himself another drink.

The night after that was all in flashes. His fingers sliding along the strings of his guitar. Losing his pen under the couch; hunting through Adore’s drawers for another one. Sweet sad notes filling the room, lingering in the air like sea salt. Fumbling with his phone; his guitar; his own hands.

Love’s the kind of feeling that’s not easy to derail, that was good, that was fine, but I find that I’ve been tryin’ ‘cause, ‘cause what, ‘cause what –

He lost another pen. After that… he didn’t remember much after that.

*

Brian woke to a splitting headache and a buzzing phone.

The phone was on his stomach; his head was on the arm of the couch. He blinked into the bright morning light and groaned, covering his eyes.

His phone buzzed again.

Whatever it was, it could fucking wait. He let it fall to the side as he rolled over, taking in the mess of paper and pens – what the fuck, where did he get so many pens – on the coffee table, the empty wine bottles, his guitar abandoned carelessly on the floor. The glass doors to the balcony were open, though he didn’t remember opening them, and the harsh cawing of the crows outside made his eyes water.

Jesus fucking Christ.

He stood unsteadily and made his way to the kitchen, where a bag of sour key candies lay splayed open and empty on the counter and a plate with the mysterious remnants of what might be a drunken midnight snack lay beside the sink. He stared at one, then the other, then turned decisively to get a glass out of the cupboards and fill it from the tap. He downed it in one go and poured himself another.

Back by the couch, his phone was buzzing again.

Katya, he realized through the groggy fullness in his head. That could be Katya.

He returned to the couch and lowered himself gingerly, full glass clutched in one hand. He fumbled the phone trying to grab it, which probably said bad things about the balance of alcohol to water in his system at that moment; then he thumbed it awake and scanned it as quickly as he could through the low-burning nausea of his hangover.

There was, in fact, a notification from Katya. A missed call at 2:23 AM. Brian’s heart leapt and his mouth went dry; but then he looked past that, at the avalanche of notifications from twitter and instagram, and his whole body turned cold, shoved into full wakefulness and unholy sobriety.

What the fuck had happened last night?

He unlocked his phone and opened instagram to see notifications in the thousands. Thumbing over to his profile, he found a post he didn’t remember making, dated 1:57 AM. That was – he looked at the little clock at the top of his screen: 7:13 AM – barely five hours before. The little thumbnail showed his shoulders over his guitar; when he opened it, he saw it was a video.

Brian stared at the post in horror for a long moment. Then – because there was literally no other choice – he flexed his fingers, which had gone numb, and he hit play.

The screen cut to his face, frowning blearily and too close, as he tried to prop his phone up. He looked – exhausted. Shit. Dark circles under his eyes, a tight, stressed set to his mouth, which twisted down as he failed to make the phone stand steady a third time. Finally he – the Brian on screen – muttered a sharp fuck, and just leaned the phone back against something or other, putting his glass of wine in front of it to hold it upright, so the rim blurred out the bottom of the frame.

He stepped back, sat down, and pulled his guitar into his lap.

Brian, the Brian watching, took shallow breaths against a rising nausea. His pulse thrummed loudly under the thin skin of his neck.

The camera captured the body of his guitar, the slouch of his shoulders, and part of his mouth, which he wiped at with the back of his hand, pick balanced easily between his fingers. Then he sat up straighter, squaring his shoulders and sliding his other hand up the neck of the guitar into place – Brian remembered that, cool smooth wood under his palm, he remembered glancing at the camera and thinking fuck it, fuck this –

The Brian on screen played an open chord and then set into the melody that made up the verses, the tumbling notes, middle finger – pinky finger – ring finger, and, watching, his brain cut through the fog to focus on that, ring finger, ring finger, the song he’d been working on all this past month coming together despite the drunken way he slid between the metal frets.

And then he started to sing, and Brian went from feeling slightly nauseous to being absolutely certain he was about to throw up.

It wasn’t the verses, thank god. Not the harried scribbles that filled pages upon pages in his notebook, most of them awful, all of them never to be fucking revealed to the world at large because they were his, ugly and sincere and too personal. All the moments that made him want to try; all the things that made him afraid. But this –

“Love’s the kind of feeling that’s not easy to derail

But I find that I’ve been trying ‘cause

I can’t see the when and where –”

A chorus is a vague thesis; but, watching, he still felt stripped wholly bare.

“I hear waves in my dreams at night,

Feel the sunlight and your stare,

So maybe it’s to no avail –

And maybe ‘stay’ won’t turn out stale –”

Brian swallowed, fumbled for his glass of water, tried to hear anything but the roaring in his ears, see anything but his face dipping into frame as he bent lower over the guitar, eyes closed, face pained as he sang stay. And he was sliding through the notes like a drunk stumbling through a door, graceless but functional and – worst of all – far too honest.

“But I still don’t know if I can go

Off-road at the end of the trail.”

Fuck.

The video didn’t end abruptly – apparently, when drunk, he couldn’t make the crop function work for him – but with an agonizing slowness, the last, aching note from his guitar hanging hollowly in the air. His shoulders on-screen rose, then fell; then finally he reached forward for his phone. A flash of his mouth, his cheek, his eyes squinting – and then it went dark, and looped back to the beginning.

He jabbed at the screen to stop it, and stared down at his phone in mute horror, jaw slack and mouth dry.

First things first, he deleted the video. It wouldn’t shut people up, but he couldn’t just let it sit there, all of him laid out in the bare daylight. The raw sound of his voice, scratchy with exhaustion, on his shitty phone mic; that one glimpse of his face, like opening a door you’re not supposed to by accident, the kind of door you can’t close again or back away from. All a room’s quiet secrets, the small ones that cut deepest, framed starkly by the open doorframe.

He wasn’t going to load twitter, or look at the texts that had come in from his friends who’d seen, but then a new one appeared at the top of his screen as his phone buzzed in his hand. It was Shea – a youtube link. His phone buzzed again with a second message, a third, more, all from Shea. He thumbed messenger open, still numb all the way through, and scanned the group chat dispassionately. Then he stopped, and read it again.

FROM: SHEA - 7:17 AM - Friday August 29th, 2017

youtube.com/watch?v=Jf1L34kn0

Please watch this, get your collective shit together, and stop making me feel sad for both of you

Ive got better shit to do with my time

And PLEASE reach out to us, jesus, brian, we care so much and i know youre doing your own thing but we’re really, really worried.

Well. I cant speak for kim. Im worried; that bitch is probably just hungry

He huffed a laugh, but it didn’t feel like one. It felt like something was cracking open inside of him.

His phone buzzed again.

FROM: KIM - 7:18 AM - Friday August 29th, 2017

i can be hungry and worried at the same time cunt

but sheas not wrong, bri.

please.

Brian swallowed, then swallowed again, throat tight and eyes stinging. He took another gulp of his water, then, after a moment’s hesitation, typed, i’m here. i’ll watch it in a minute. i love you guys and im sorry

He wasn’t sure what he was sorry for. There was a whole laundry list of reasons he should be; he might as well cover his bases.

It wasn’t – it wasn’t that he’d been wrong to leave. It wasn’t that he’d been wrong to want out or to go silent. It was just that it could be right for him and wrong for them, and he could be sorry for that, even if he wasn’t sure yet that he regretted it.

He hit send all the same.

His phone buzzed almost instantly with their replies, but he didn’t look, pulling up the youtube link instead. Then: for the second time that morning, his heart stopped and his body went cold.

“help me i’m not dying fast enough”, said the title under the loading video. “Katya Zamolodchikova Periscope (August 29, 2017 @ 2:40 AM)”.

He didn’t want to click – he knew he didn’t want to, and also that he shouldn’t – but he did anyway, because sometimes he was a masochist like that. Lately, especially.

Katya, on-screen, stubbed out a cigarette and lit another one, inhaling deeply.

“I’m not going to tell you how many of these I’ve had tonight,” he said to the camera. “Because it’s none of your business what hell cycle of ideating and ovulating I may or may not be going through right now. That’s first of all.”

He looked… gaunt. Unkempt. Worse than in the video Shea had taken a week earlier.

“It’s a funny thing, to have – kind of – resolved myself to wanting something, and always having it sort-of in reach, and then to realise maybe I can’t have it at all. I could have, but maybe I missed my moment, maybe I didn’t lay out my thesis convincingly enough – maybe maybe maybe. Maybe what I wanted isn’t on the proverbial table anymore. That’s harder, I think, than knowing all along you can’t ever have it. It’s a different kind of wanting. I don’t know.”

He flicked his fingers in the air by his ear, ash falling grey and soft like snow from a rooftop.

“I’ve never been good at wanting things. That’s funny, right? From an addict, I mean. It’s funny. You can laugh – I’m laughing. Maybe you are, I don’t know, I can’t see you. I don’t care.

I’ve never been good at wanting things – I’ve had them, or not had them. It all seemed kind of –” he paused, then laughed, a hoarse bark. “You know, insignificant in the face of the rapid decay of the environment, our bodies, society as a whole, and ultimately the universe itself. The universe is dying, by the way, in case you hadn’t heard. I took a first year physics class, girl, so I know what I’m talking about.”

You read Neil Degrasse Tyson’s book once, you fucking idiot, Brian thought; it rung hollow, as if it came from someplace a good distance from his own body.

“So I’ve never been good at wanting stuff. Drugs isn’t want, drugs is need. And that’s not – I know I look like a mess right now, but a) not on drugs, and b) still not about need. I’m not in some kind of I’ll-die-without-you pseudo-love psycho-abusive Nicholas Sparks kinda bullshit. I’m just – I’m just sad. I’m just really fucking sad. And I’ll delete this tomorrow, and anyway –” Katya looked sharply into the camera, and for a moment, Brian felt seen – “I figure it’s only fair.”

“So anyway,” Katya continued. He turned away, towards the road; his eyes lit up with amber streetlight, glass-green and shadowed. “We’re all dying. I know, Brenda, I’m a broken record over here about it, but we’re all dying, and that’s kind of a big deal. And I love it! In some strange, existential way, it’s liberating, it’s electrifying, it brings you closer to your own body and soul and maybe even God, if, I don’t know, that’s your thing sometimes – ‘your’ being mine – but then –”

He stopped himself. Brian watched as his fingers tapped frenetically against the side of his cigarette for a moment, then he raised it, pursed his mouth, inhaled. Exhaled. He lifted his face to watch the smoke rise and disappear.

When he looked back down, he was smiling, crooked at the edges, like it hurt. “But then something comes into your life, and suddenly, it’s like, wait. Hang on. I want to see more of that – let’s stop the death train, maybe. Let’s put a hold on this dying shit. Because whatever it is I’m feeling, I want that, and – and – and why the fuck am I wasting time killing myself when this has been here, maybe all along. Self-indulgent fatalism suddenly starts to feel – selfish.”

“I mean,” he interrupted himself, suddenly and obviously changing tacks as a thought struck him, “please still come to my show. It’ll be so good. All these questions and more will be addressed – not answered, because who cares about answers, but asked? Yes. More questions than you ever wanted. Please come.”

He flashed a smile, plastic-white, but it melted away too quickly into the same tired pallor.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know if anything I’m saying is true. I want all sorts of things all the time, but it’s always a little bit – intellectual. Like, wow, I wonder what having that would be like? Feel like? I’ve never experienced this kind of wanting that doesn’t have an endpoint – it won’t just stop once I get it. It goes forward. It has a future. What the fuck is up with that, you know?

But it’s not – you don’t just get to have things.”

His voice cracked.

“No. Okay. One second,” he said, and then he disappeared around the camera. Brian could still hear him breathing, though, quiet in the night air, an eerie echo of so many phone calls over the past month.

When Katya returned, he lit himself another cigarette, and this one didn’t shake between his fingers. “I’m going to delete this the minute it ends, for the record. I don’t know why I’m even doing it. I guess I’m just lonely. I know, I’ve been on tour, and that’s great, but – I dunno. It’s lonely. Work is lonely. Dying is lonely. And there’s one thing I want and I thought I could have it but – turns out – I probably can’t, and that’s – that’s lonely too.”

His mouth twisted, an almost-smile.

“I always thought that was such a cliché: to feel alone in the middle of a crowded room. And I love a cliché when it’s not played straight, but. Maybe, sometimes, the crowd doesn’t matter when one person’s not in it.

Anyway. I’m doing a lot of whining for someone with not a lot of problems, comparatively. And this problem isn’t even really mine. Not at its core. Selfish, right? But hey – no one’s making you tune in, Elizabeth.”

He took a final, decisive drag on his cigarette.

“Okay. I’m gonna go listen to some ambient noise and try to sleep.” The corner of his mouth twitched. “Ocean sounds, track four: a classic. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Bye.”

The streetlight blanketing his face in fragile white, he looked into the screen again, directly, as if he could see Brian there looking back at him, heart sore in his throat. Then the video went dark.

Brian sat and stared down at the phone in his hands. Between the low buzzing nausea of his hangover and the Seattle morning greyness, the world around him felt – distant. Not quite real. Not as real or as close as that twitch of Katya’s mouth, or the wry, exhausted humour in his voice. The frustration and sadness and longing in every line of his body. 

They were both so stupid. And so fucked.

He tapped out of Safari and into his messages, where he typed again, check in?

Knees tucked into his chest, he waited, and a minute later the reply came in – the little OK emoji, thumb pinched to index finger.

He exhaled loudly and pressed his hand over his eyes.

The phone buzzed against his thigh a moment later and he looked down again. It wasn’t from Shea or Kim like he thought it might be – it was, unexpectedly, another text from Katya. All it said was: you?

He bit his lip, thinking about it. He wasn’t going to let himself lie, to himself, to Katya, not again. He wasn’t going to do that to them. But the honest answer was – yes. He wasn’t good. He wasn’t better. But he was okay, for all the values of okay that the check-in had meant since the first time Katya had needed it: I’m alive, I’m safe, I’m here.

Yeah, he typed and sent, that’s about right.

He looked up from his phone at a sudden noise beyond the front door – a thump, like something heavy had been dropped.

It could have been one of Adore’s neighbours, so he dragged himself up and started to walk over, ready to offer assistance if needed. The woman upstairs was older, and generally bought more groceries than she could carry. But as he was approaching the door he heard the scrape of a key in the lock, and then the handle began to turn.

Adore wasn’t supposed to be back until that evening.

“Hello?” he started to ask, but then the door swung open, and he was staring into a pair of very tired, very startled eyes that definitely weren’t Adore’s.

“What the fuck,” said Bianca del Rio.

To his own surprise, a burst of laughter punched out of Brian’s stomach. “Yeah,” he said, staring back at Bianca, at the douchey sneakers on his feet, the Shangela shirt he was wearing, and the small duffel he’d dropped behind him. Brian found himself smiling, just a little. “Same.”

#I've said this to u already but… why #trixya #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #dare #angst #submission #fathwtf #canon compliant

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 4: "My meat shield cannot go to the butchers shop just yet." - Tom

Okay HI I’m home from Georgia and I thought oh maybe I can relax SIKE. Now I have to meet 4 NEW PEOPLE. Ugh. I really hope we got whoever voted in the minority over on the other tribe, that sure would make it easier. I’m happy I’m here with Jules and JJ, they are 2 of my closest allies. I trust tom as well, he just doesn’t talk very much. This sounds bad but I really hope Alex gets taken out, he’s SUCH a good player. Anyways Johnny is playing champions and I hope you guys have a great night!

UM HELLO.

Okay so first: I felt so bad voting out willow she was such a sweetheart. I even asked her if there was anything she wanted to do last minute but she didn't have a plan so we really had to let her go. I wanted to be her ally but all in all the connections I made outside of her paid off in a much more tangible way.

SECOND: THE SWAP. I aint about it. I think the newbies are gonna be fine or whatever.... but I was in SUCH a good spot in my tribe. Like lowkey I had an alliance (that lets be real was probably doomed to fail anyways lmao but thats fine) and then also I won that individual immunity. I think people really wanted to work with me no matter who they were!!! AND I WAS GONNA MILK THAT. But nowwww I have to make new relationships and win people over. PLUS the tribemates I am still with I didn't talk strategy with as much like Mo and Jones. They like me sure sure but we never talked about who was voting who, even though Alex and I helped each other.

Lastly: I don't have strong impressions of the newbies. Mitch was the first to say hi so thats sweet of him. Benj hasn't said too much to me. Noah seems fun (?) but also god knows he doesn't seem all that loyal oof

Well, the Willow vote went according to plan. I knew she was voting me, she's such a sweet girl but everything was impossible to plan for when she wasn't around to talk about the comps. She kinda got defaulted into everything she did for the competitions. So, she had to go.

As far as the tribe swap goes, I'm really mad that I have to start all over on the new tribe with the idol search, so it kinda spooks me that I'm in a brand new tribe, with new idol information, and I probably don't have much of a chance.

Ali is someone that I was excited to be with, his meet the cast video was super endearingly messy and I just think he's so cute and wholesome. I love it. I've talked to him the most so far, and out of everyone from OG Budva, I think he's my guy. I enjoy him the most. Julie seems cool, I haven't talked to her much with the exception of calling her fucking GORGEOUS. (Sidenote, literally why am I so fucking shallow that the pretty people get the best edits in my confessionals?!?) Anyways, Julie seems super fun, she gave Jules a Tarot reading on call that was super cute. Jason & Ian haven't talked much, but they seem cool as well. Ian is into gaming, and it sounds like we play similar games, so I think we can bond based off of that really well.

Tom scares me, he's really cute and really fun to talk to, and I know he's with me 100%, but he doesn't want to work with people from our tribe. I might be forced to do things to appease him, or kick him out earlier than I'd like to. I remember us briefly talking about my plan I "jokingly" suggested throwing the comps if OG Durmitor was in the majority, and he was saying he didn't want to because he'd be stupid to work with OG Durmitor in the long run. So I think I need to start building game relationships with OG Budva fast so it gives me options on what I'd like to do.

I spoke briefly with Julia (Wow I got her name wrong every fucking time during my last confessional I'm so sorry sweets.), when I asked her about who she thinks the other person who voted for Mitch might be, she mentioned Ali's name. Who is somebody I'd really like to work with anyways, and I find him really cute. I'm going to have a call with Jules, and see where her head is at, and spill some of this tea as Brigade members. Let's see how things go.

Okay SO much has happened and I'm writing this on my phone, on the bus so get ready for messy grammar eek!

My game got a real ego check last round. Like I really thought I was doing #that and had a chance of winning immunity, when I really was out second. Like... idk what good game I thought I was playing but it was defo non-existent. Jared went home which was ugly but necessary and I swapped away from Michael/Mitch/Noah which I wanted since they were the bottom 3 of my list HSJDKDK. I feel bad for Benj tho, stuck with them eek! I really hope me and him reunite ahh!

Okay so my tribe. I have so many thoughts, like so many. I'll break it down person by person.

Ian: I like 100% dont trust him. I've been confessing for ages about how much I think he is the biggest threat and the immunity challenge totally confirmed that. He has not gotten as far in games as he has for no reason, I've been onto his game for a while and I'm totally over his shenanigans.

Jason: this ties into julia and ian too, but I'm sure the three of them were and are in an alliance. Like 100% sure. Which is worrying for this swap tribe because i think I could easily be the most expendable for the Budva people so yikes. I am scared of him too, like him and Ian are so scary it's really worrying

Julia: I dont know what to think of her. Like I really trust her and really wanna work with her, but I feel she has allies (i.e. Ian and Jason that she values much higher than me). I really want to work with her, like so bad. I want Ian and Jason out so I can make that happen. I LOVE her tho.

okay now we come onto the dormitor (spelling?) people where I think I have real, real options.

Jules: A LEGEND ON EARTH. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND AM SO HAPPY WE ARE TOGETHER. I AM SO EXCITED TO WORK WITH JULES. I think between me and jules we could get a really cute cross tribe thing going, the future is BRIGHT.

Evan: he seems SO sweet, like I've probs spoken to him the least, but he seems SO nice and wholesome. Jules holds a super high opinion of him and what jules says, goes.

Thomas: I was SO worried about swapping with him... but I think it could work? Like I really really want him to vote me out and get revenge for legacy, like that would be SO karmic and good. But he seems to want to work with me and I'm down! He is a king so I'd love to stick with him

JJ: he is... wild. He was super nice to me so I dont wanna be that guy that is negative, but he is a LOT hsjssksk. He reminds me a lot of Jared, like a lot of crackhead energy and I could easily see him try and play everyone. It sounds like from Jules he could be the one that dormitor would vote out so that's a good sign.

Anyway my plan? to vote off Ian and then JJ. like if I had to rank the tribe, I'd say:

Jules > Julia > Thomas > Evan > Jason > Ian > JJ

like I actually get a much better vibe from most of the dormitor people, and like... I think I'm down the flip, since I dont trust Ian at ALL. there are two ways I could see it working, either I convince Jules/Evan/Thomas to flip on JJ if we lose sending him out, and then work with them to vote Ian the following round. Or... and this plan is cracked. I think Ian and Jason could be willing to sacrifice me tbh (and Julia too unfortunately), so... I could get Jules to get them all to vote me too, so its 7-1 and then I idol out either JJ or Ian, probs Ian so that I could hopefully get the rest to flip on JJ the following round? idk yet shsjdk

but in general? Last round and the swap gave my game the kick it needed. I was playing really passively and had let myself be an outsider who delusionally thought they were central to the game. I have a fire now. I dont trust anyone from OG Budva really except for Julia and Benj, and it's time for me to put in work and gain control of the game.

The dream is a cross tribe alliance of me, jules, thomas, julia and evan but idk how feasible that is tbh. I just dont ever want to feel as passive and not in control as I did last round. That's never, ever happening again.

*SWAP STRATEGY*

- Can I just say I don't get a good vibe from ANYONE that swapped to Budva from Dirtmitor (I know I'm spelling it wrong) - There's no way we're winning this challenge since we don't even have a song yet and our editor... doesn't know how to edit - SO, my plan is to have one of two things happen: 1. Convince someone on Dirtmitor to flip so the vote's 5-3 2. Create paranoia about an idol and convince Dirtmitor to split the vote so it's 4-2-2 - If can can get either of those things to happen, we throw every single challenge and wipe out the remaining Dirt people and head into a 12 person merge with an 8-4 advantage - Also... this stops any Budva at the Dirt tribe from trying any funny business (flipping)

I'm still desperate for an idol btw. For some reason I think Jared had it and now it's rehidden back at the end of the bridge.

I need to start picking my game up. Up until this point it's been solely about maintaining the relationships I've had from day one. This swap worked out kind of perfectly for me in terms of who I swapped with. All 3 of the Golden Girls stuck together and Ali and I have been fostering a good relationship game-wise that I want to keep going. I can see myself being a target for the Dirt people but I don't see any of the OG Budva flipping yet, let alone on me. So now I feel like I need to focus more on setting up my game for the merge and ideally? I go in with as many near-guaranteed numbers as possible. And the best way to set up for that is taking out numbers I know I don't have now.

okay JJ is annoying me now. he is like... threatening me? he is telling me someone is saying stuff that makes me look super shady, but not knowing details. he is telling me it could get gross for me but he is looking out for me.

like... i'm not gonna be super negative, because like... maybe its true and someone is spreading dirt about me. but alternatively, this is.... a really blunt and see through attempt to cause divisions and i'm not gonna tolerate it. like i'll reserve judgement till i hear him out, but like...

i said this in my host chat, but like I really really do not appreciate someone threatening me and lauding the power they have over me the way he is, like he thinks he is being super super subtle, but this is just a blatant attempt to cause distrust and a mess.

i'm in my feelings and i don't know what to do. I don't trust JJ or Ian, and wanna reclaim power by sending them both out of here.

(This is about to be like 4 confessionals in a row, just separating them into paragraphs)

Okay so first off wtf is with that challenge results we just posted. Like okay sure i  kinda knew i was near the bottom of the tribe but definitely not fucking second last.... anyways i also have no clue how fucking caeleb like caeleb really?! he came second?! and EVAN WON.....like evan is kinda pissing me off on how good of a social game he is playing because of his "I'm only 15, im cute innocent and i want to be your little brother" like bitch no you can step back for a second if you are going to play it like that. I wont be letting him slip through my fingers that easy!

Anyways now onto the tribe swap im kinda happy with the people i ended up with i feel like if i ended up with alex, mo, caeleb i would've most likely cried. Anyways i am really glad im on a tribe with ali right now because we have played pretty much a full season together before and we worked very well until he got sneaky sneaky and voted me out to win the game but thats okay ill keep a close eye on him. Jules and Evan arent people that im too excited to be on a tribe with however this could be my time to take evan out now whilst i have the chance.....

Okay so like JJ is being a fucking idiot right now, like please put some tape on your mouth, shove a goana in your mouth i dont care. This man thinks he is fucking houdini or something, please sit back down and stop trying to manipulate Ali and Julia to flip on Jason and Ian..... like sure we can try to subtly make them flip but this man says he has a whole shit tonne of tea that he is going to manipulate and "put an ice inbetween that 4" like girl no you wont you will just make yourself threat number 1. My meat shield cannot go to the butchers shop just get, i would like to be the butcher to cut him further into the game.

Also like honestly Jules, JJ and Evan are ridiculously stupid if they think I, ME, TOM, THOMAS ALBERTS is going to rocks for ANYONE in this game. I am happy go lucky about this original durmitor chat but i will not be risking my game for any of them....

Ok so Jared went home 7-2 which is kinda sad because I do think he trusted me and all but he really dug himself a grave that i couldn’t help him get out.

Things that were interesting for that tribal. Mitch thinks me, him and Noah are on the bottom because I acted that I only heard Noah was the vote. Second there was another vote for Mitch and I thought it was Noah, and when I talked to him, he assumed I was the other vote and he switched his vote the last minute. I didn’t have time to tell him that I voted Jared too because we fuxking swapped.

I AM LAUGHING AT THIS SWAP. Who do I got remaining on the new Budva tribe? Jason? Julia? Ali? UGH FAVES!! I am close with Ali and I’m aligned with Julia and Jason. Jason worked hard on Ali to flip on the Jared vote and Ali like shares me info that I already know ahsjdjd so I’m just going to continue playing dumb and sidekick because literally it’s what got me far in this game. BUT OF COURSE I AM CHANGIING THINGS UP BECAUSE LIKE I’VE LOST 2 TIMES WITH THAT STRATEGY SO SOME CHANGES ARE NEEDED.

Anywho we get newcomers JJ, Jules, Evan and Tom. We all went on call as a new tribe except Evan because he sleepin and discussed sun signs and astrology.

Jules - barely talked too but she seems sweet?? Evan - umm he’s kinda weird asking about facts about myself lol JJ - he seems funny to talk to ON CALL. Through messaging, idk he seems shady? Tom - I’ve just started talking to him but I am a slave to Aussie accents so hopefully I can get in with him.

Right now I’m feeling there’s a huge chance we will lose immunity because hello Alex on the other tribe and Jules, who is the only one who have at least a background on editing is unable to do it atm. So yeah, my plan rn is try and become close with Tom because he and I on roughly the same timezone. Worst case scenario is we do go to tribal and we end up 4-4 and boom rocks. Not very ideal rn.

Ok I’m a bit pissed that they did not stick with Fergie songs?? I was ready to bust out a suit for the glamorous.

I won’t be shocked if we end up loosing this challenge because umm hello Alex is in the other tribe. We’re just gonna be unique with our presentation and hopefully Tom and Julia can make it pretty enough to win.

Honestly this new tribe is SO deadzzz. These new people are probably weary of us 4 og budva or they’re just so quiet?? Julia has JJ telling her he doesn’t want it to be Budva vs Durmitor but idk y’all being so deadzzz that it may go that way.

Jason wants to like throw the upcoming challenges if we survive this deadlock and like I’m not all for it. It’s risky but the merit is it weakens og Durmitor but there’s still the risk of an idol. I mean I can’t say that idea never occurred to me but these new people (mainly JJ and Evan) are just a bit difficult to talk to lol

I have not even have a long convo with Jules so I can’t say much about her.

I have become a bit close with Tom. And I wanna work with him, but I checked that list challenge and judging that it looks like he is close with JJ? And like I might wanna target jj because he really shady with Julia. I just wanna say to Tom I wanna work with you but like ugh it’s quite difficult really. I JUST WANT AN AUSSIE ALLY OKAY.

I feel like we lost immunity so rn og budva baes needs to come up with a plan to get one of these Durmitor out. Preferably Evan hehehe

Apparently JJ likes Julia for them to go on call and tell stuff to one another. Right now, JJ says there was this big majority alliance on og Budva that had me and Jason as the head of it. Wow I can’t believe I’m in an alliance that I had no idea about. Well I am aligned with Jason but literally there was no big ass allianceon og budva, it was just mob rule or whatever. Apparently Evan told JJ about this info so like where the fuck did Evan get that crackpot idea lol

I came up with an elaborate plan in which Julia goes along with this majority alliance on og budva that supposedly had me, mitch, Jason, Michael, benj and Ali. However, Ali was not really into the alliance at all so Julia and Ali act all wish washy and willing to flip to get Durmitor to split there votes because Julia told jj that the budva idol was already found.

So rn I’m acting all shady towards Tom telling him I’m all alone, with the hopes of him already knowing about this supposed big alliance on og budva for him to think I’m shady as fuck. Jason is also acting shady as fuck to JJ so they think one of us do in fact have the idol and they do split their votes. In doing so, we budva baes collectively vote either Jules or Evan out.

That’s assuming the plot fucking works. I literally don’t know if it works, or we fucking tie or go to rocks or someone on my team fucking flips. I don’t know what’s gonna happen and honestly I’m just waiting for this round to be over. If Durmitor calls our bluff and ties our 4 votes then may the odds be ever in Budva’s favor. If they actually split the votes woot woot and if someone flips on og budva then big fuck you.

Okay so like how did i get onto a tribe with an astrology freak in jules, and an actual crazy person in JJ... like idk what i did in my past tumblr survivor life to deserve this. Julia has put a hex on me in this game to be trapped with them...

Ok so I just got off call with Evan ahsjdiff

Like first off I fucking messed up with lying lol Evan asks me who do I think was the other vote for Mitch. I told him it was me and he said he thought it was Ali. LOL MESSED UP. So I immediately backtracked and said I misheard him and tell him it was Ali. Lol idk if it was believable but whew I’m a flop.

Here’s the hot tea tho. Evan tells me that he wants me, tom and Jason to come together because he thinks jj, jules, Julia and Ali are forming a foursome. He tells me that Julia told JJ that the Budva idol has been found which I knew. And that JJ is targeting myself and Jason.

Right now, the picture the Budva Baes is trying to paint is working?? Durmitor thinks Julia and Ali are on the outs of what was a majority alliance on Budva. Now here’s the bit tricky part, Evan wants us four to vote for either Julia or Ali because that supposed foursome is splitting the vote on me and Jason That’s a red flag because it would be losing a Budva Bae. Now Evan also added if Julia and Ali are just bulshitting JJ then JJ would be voted out.

I don’t know what to make of this convo. This could be Evan luring me into a trap or what but right now this is interesting.

(again with 7 confessionals in a row and Tom not condensing his thoughts....)

Okay so this music video challenge is generally really exciting however my tribe chose TIK TOK?! has the song, like okay thats just fucking stupid y'all really want a chance to win this damn challenge or not....YOU CANT DANCE TO THIS SONG IDIOTS. This is going to be filled with seizure dancing and sober dancing in a club aka awkward

This is honestly such an effort, i hate being a marathon running player like why cant this be 3.9 days worth of survivor and i can sprint my way to the winners club....jokes im already in there

Okay so I just called JJ because like whatever i need a social game and he is a mess so he will be my meat shield but like his mum starts coming on call and interrupting saying like how she loves my accent, how she wants to hug a koala and like talking about australian slang like please woman step aside! I am talking to your lunatic son i cant deal with two of you. THEN HIS BROTHER OR DAD IDK WHICH ONE DECIDES TO COME ON CALL AND TALK ABOUT DORITOS LIKE PLEASE STOP. It was a 58 minute torture call So Ian just sent in his music video clip and i... just cant... poor ian like he looks like his hands were having a seizure through the whole video and a broom up his ass because he was so stiff please stop.....but i guess good on him for giving it his best shot.

Ugh this is honestly just depressing what are these music videos, not even if we had alex on this tribe we would fucking win...I told them that it wasnt a good song to pick, so far we've seen Ian and now we see Ali who is fliming a music called Tik Tok featuring Ali's Giraffe Neck.... sweetie we dont want to see your fucking roof, youre supposed to be dancing!

I surely cannot be a straight male on this tribe and be the most extra person for this music video challenge

Ian is so controversial he told me we have a straight person connection and straights are a hate crime in this community. love him but OOOOOOOOOF

So im on a new tribe, its kinda a disaster idk what I said here last time but to recap

Ali found the idol, which is cool I trust him the most so I hope its like sharing I wont tell a soul but still a lil bummed since I got sooo many more steps than him haha. being swapped away from him is terrible :((( miss him and I hope hes doing well over there... king

For the last vote it was so awk cuz we didn't want jared to expose our alliance so we had one of us vote mitch (me) thinking noah would also vote him, and then it was 7-2 lmao and I come out of an exam on a new tribe so cant ask ali what happened, I have no clue if mitch knows it was me im just acting clueless. and I feel terrible cuz hes one of my og favs from that tribe

so im swapped with the person I voted, the person we were gonna pin that vote on noah LMAO, and Michael who I barely talk to wish I got ali and ian kings ughh I feel so lonely lol

and on top of that the only person I knew prior to the game willow got out, im devastated ugh we never have gotten to play together properly before so that sucks

BUT.... I have one saving grace.... guacamole jones. I had a small connection w her cuz I hosted her on a fb org but she was the 1st boot lmao so we barely got to talk and im so happy shes on this tribe I love her omg. I also really like caeleb and alex both are cool so far

so honestly? I kinda wanna work w the other tribe more than my original ones LOL. none of them even talk game w me until 1 hour before deadline so ya ill flip idc. but idek if that's possible cuz I think jones and mitch are friends from kochang, and she hosted noah in Algonquin, so maybe that just leaves Michael? I also needa talk to mo more cuz ik they were friends in celestial. yes ive done my stalking of the cast LMAO or atleast tried.

SO YA. Im just gonna approach jones and say I wanna work w her and.. hope it works cuz probably the other old budvas will vote me or smth

Okay so for this vote its pretty 4-4 honestly like old Durmitor vs Budva, and JJ thinks this game is easy enough that he is going to split budva against each other and pit ali/julia vs jason/ian.... saying how he has this master plan and i literally responded with such a sarcastic comment that he took seriously "Why r u so smart".

He proceeds to tell me his whole history online, "I've been doing this for 8 years, 2 years on ROBLOX (FUCKING ROBLOX), 6 years on TENGAGED (FUCKING TENGAGED) and first year as an orger.

WELL SWEETIE YOU HAVE A LOT TO LEARN QUICLKY IF YOU THINK ROBLOX AND TENGAGED ARE GONNA HELP YOU IN THIS HARD ASS GAME PLATFORM

Someone please tell him that, roblox is like preschool, tengaged is like year 3 and tumblr survivor is UNIVERSITY....

So I'm sitting here, Ke$ha's face on my titties. Doing this music video challenge, a bitch like me really worked up a sweat. And I only sweat, on one side of my head.

As far as the game is going, this twist is really activating my inner demon, and I'm causing so much buffoonery. Everyone is talking about rocks, so I'm trying my best to make sure that doesn't happen. I know for a fact that I'm outplaying everyone this round. First, I prevented a gross game of telephone from occurring between Ali & Julia, Julia claimed that Ali might have voted for Mitch, but she very obviously didn't care whether he did or not. I felt like that could have easily been twisted by a diff OG Budva, or a OG Durmitor, into something where Ali would go after Julia, so preventing that has built a semi stable gaming relationship with the two of them. The goal here is to flip them over to our side. Julia has also told me that the Budva idol had already been claimed when she reached the end of the bridge. While Ali spilled to me that there's a large Budva alliance that he wasn't invited into. Using this as leverage, I'm going to attempt to have my old tribe, plus Julia and Ali split our votes 3-3 on Jason and Ian. Jason has also hmu, talking about the vote. We came to the conclusion together that the vote would come down to rocks, in which case. We'd like to be safe, so we agreed to tell our alliances to vote for each other, OG Budva votes JJ, OG Durmitor votes Jason. Which becomes a test, because if Jason tells Ali or Julia to vote for me, I would hope they'd come talk to me about it, if they don't? 4 votes go on Jason. If both of them tell me about it, we proceed with the 3-3-2 split idea, if only one tells me about it, we vote 5-3 on IAN so Jason doesn't have an idol played on him, and if neither of them tell me, we split 4 on me 4 on Jason. To keep me safe. Big risk, big reward baby.

So there is a chat consisting of Jules JJ Evan and Myself "OG Durmitor" and JJ the puppet master decided to organise a team meeting which i couldnt attend too but ok, anyways they went on call and i asked JJ what the plan was he told me;

1.) Bring Ali & Julia together 2.) Bring them to me. 3.) Split the votes 3-3 on Ian & Jason

Like cool but why are we bringing them to you? like sorry im not playing your game here but the real thing is

Evan messaged me being like can you call... we need to discuss what happened on that call because he is sketched out. He said that there was more to it than JJ said in the chat, and thats why he wants to talk to me. He says he has a bad feeling and he will explain it over call.....so i get home eventually and it turns out he is asleep and that he will call me in 7 hours

Oh hi I’m anxious as all fuck. Since it’s 4 vs 4. We may not even be going to tribal. All it takes is one person to flip and I’m planning on staying loyal to my og tribe.

okay so i have a lot to confess about, i'm in my feelings all over the shop and wanna vote everyone out except for Jules, Julia & Thomas.

i'm like really embarassed about this round. like this is so dumb, but i looked so stupid in our video, like i look like an actual robot and i hate myself NNNN. I'm like insecure at the best of times so i'm like... ahhhHhhHHh about the video, i literally can't even watch it, i hate myselfffffff. i look like a gremlin because i tried to like... rough and post party stuff but i just look ugly and disgusting nnn. i'mma stop this here because its gonna be a lot of self negativity but this challenge does not play well with my insecurities NNNNNNNN

in other news. my tribe are all trying to do 4 vs 4 and its driving me crazy. Thomas seems to be the only one on this planet. I really want to get a cross-tribe alliance going of some sort, but Julia is reluctant (because a) its risky, b) she is evidently closer to ian and jason than I am.  Im also facing an unexpected difficulty, which is Jules. I wanna work with them SO BAD, but like... the tribe dynamics are like... weirdly getting in the way? Like Thomas/Evan and Jules/JJ are becoming the two pairs which is SO wild to me, and I want JJ out of here, while Jules is seemingly quite expendable to Thomas?

My dream alliance would be Thomas, Jules, Julia & I, but I don't know if I can make that work, Thomas and Evan are too close grrrr. In other news, I'm like... really trying with JJ, because he means well, but... I'm finna snap KASJDFLASFLJKSA.

like... i have never met anyone who plays the game like he does. and like... i know i'm a crap player, probs the worst on our tribe but the level to which he underestimates is like...oof. Like he thinks he has done this mastermind manipulation to get me onside, when it was the most transparent thing I've like... literally ever seen. I'd like... lowkey love to write his name asap.

for tonight's vote... there are a couple of potential plans:

- Split Votes: Either 3-3 or 4-2, but splitting the votes between Jason/Ian, with maybe Jules, JJ or Evan getting their votes. The plus to this is it potentially removes Ian who I want out of here so badly because he is playing too well. The minus is it makes me and Julia super reliant on Thomas/Evan, or even JJ/Jules, whoever tries to pick us up. I think if I could convince Julia... I'd probs be down, worst comes to it, I just play my idol the following round

- Fake Vote Split: We tell them me and Julia will split votes with them, but then vote with Jason and Ian making our 4 versus their divided votes. Problems with this is it alienates Thomas/JJ/Evan/Jules (whichever three stay), but it puts us in the majority and in a comfortable spot. I don't know if I'm down for this plan really?

- 4-4 vote, either Thomas or Julia & I flip on the revote. This... could be an idea. I feel like its the kind of vanilla option, and I don't care who I flip on.

My ideal bootlist for the tribe would be: JJ > Ian > Jason > Evan if we do have to go to four tribals. I really like Thomas for having his head screwed on, Julia for being iconic and Jules for being a legend.

Summary: I'm tired, this challenge made me feel ugly, gross and like a freak, if JJ threatens my game again I will snap, people need to risk more, this vote is going to be a mess.

I don't like how ~quiet~ it can be before tribal. I'm already a scaredy cat person don't push my ANXIETY buttons.

First, here's how I am hoping tonight might go down (if we go to tribal ofc). I am hoping that the Durmitor OGs all vote Noah; I think Michael is voting Noah if Alex is being trustworthy; I kinda spilled it to Mitch because I thought Jones was talking to him so he might vote Noah. That leaves pretty much everyone voting Noah except Benj, and he's in my pocket so I don't think theres any conspiracy from him trying to do something crazy. He told me that I might be his saving grace and he said he wants to vote either micheal or Noah and I said that sounds good. I don't want to make it tooooo obvious that he's in my corner so I didn't tell him that Noah is the vote. That leaves: 6-7 votes Noah, 0-1 votes Micheal, and then whoever Noah wants out which might honestly be me because I haven't talked to him much.

Second, here's what I am afraid of. Everything that I just mentioned above is what Noah wants to do but to me, using my own tribe. If he can get Michael and Mitch to vote me and then also Mo and Jones to vote me (which could happen because sadly they got to see that they were at the bottom of that immunity list) then thats already 5. Alex might be told just so he's in the loop and Benj, who I think I can trust, might not even be included because he's already said he's on the outs and therefore I never catch wind. OR AM I BEING PARANOID?

HEHEHEHEHEOGHSOND all in all both make sense to me so my best hope is for immunity.

okay im on call with Jules, JJ and Julia. TOO MANY J NAMES, the crackheadery of Js is still around...

I... want to vote JJ out, but I want Jules on side. I just wanna vote out Ian and JJ, and I truly do not care about the order. Maybe if we vote Ian with them tonight, and then... ugh.

I just want to vote out Ian, JJ and Evan. All three can go. I want an alliance of Thomas, Jules, Julia and I. THAT'S ALL I WANT BUT JULES TRUSTS EVAN AND JULIA DOESN'T TRUST THOMAS.

ugh... we NEED to win challenges, like 100% I wanna avoid tribal as much as humanly possible. I just wanna merge with Tom, Julia and Jules. other four can go byebye.

i need to like... de-fibrillate thomas, he needs to like connect! to! Julia!

he is such a king but i'm worried he is gonna end up being the vote in upcoming rounds, like MESSSSSSS. in other news, me and julia are gonna call about the vote and figure it out because we are in a really tough spot AHH.

i just... wanna... vote JJ... out HNNNGH. like its enuf. can the universe just intervene and let me leave this swap tribe with jules, tom and julia on side? that's ALL I WANNTTTTTT

Omg so my tribe finally made an alliance chat

a little too late I already made deals with jones and caeleb so

I mean they are all nice but I don't talk to them much except mitch and hes not the vote so

time to flip? I think so JKDJF

I loves jones and caeleb already after 2 days so idk it feels right but maybe dumb but idc ive never been much of a betrayer in orgs before so this is a fun change hehehe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4iBErzviNU <-Video Would not Embed

Apparently Noah threw my name out which is making me anxious of course. I’m not ready to be voted out yet, I still have stuff to prove to myself. So all I can do is hope that either we won the challenge or people keep their word.

VL: I like how one person throws out my name and I’m already packing my bags and screaming. If this is my last day I had a lot of fun and I wish I got to play more.

This may or may not be my last confessionals because I’m in danger lol

So I went on call with Tom, he told me that Evan is wavering on the idea he told me and I’m not shock tbh. He also told me that I’m going to be the one getting the og Durmitor votes. FUN. He did told me that he was going to flip on the revote. However he was still on the assumption that we were voting for Jules, so after discussing it with budva baes, I told him we were voting for JJ. He was shocked but he still said he was still going through with the flip. I’m really putting my trust on Tom here and I’m scared tbh. From what I heard while he played Socotra and MB he was sneaky but I really hope he fucking flips. I HOPE NO ONE FUCKING FLIPS ON ME. Except they’re maybe coaxing me to believing I’m getting votes to misplay my supposed idol which i don’t have and they throw their votes at Jason.

Ugh lol I did not imagine getting votes this early but it is what is and It has been a crazy ride tbh. Tom you better flip or I’m going to scream. No one better flip on og budva or I’m going to cry :((

Here’s some extra tea, Ali told us that Jules is really sketched out of JJ so there’s also that potential flipper??? Honestly I just want this round to be over! Ugh please let this vote work in our favor

VL I like how one person throws out my name and I’m already packing my bags and screaming. If this is my last day I had a lot of fun and I wish I got to play more.

okay lay dees... i think i did something!

JJ is (99%) outta here!! Jules owns this ENTIRE ass, like... Jules. is. a. LEGEND.

What's tough is like... I really don't know if this is even in Jules' interest? Like I love her, and am going to FIGHT to protect her, but JJ LOVES her and is on her side? Like I don't know if this is smart for her.

I feel like... I finally did stuff, I helped convince Jules to flip (and Tom if we had to revote) and got our vote off Jules despite Julia wanting to not vote JJ. Like... me and Julia were in a swing spot, and we carved our own option.

I really. really. really. want an alliance of me, Julia, Tom & Jules. That would make all my dreams come true. I want that + Benj to be the final five to be honest. I haven't confessed about Benj in ages but I MISS HIM, I hope is surviving with all the crackheads from the Budva tribe.

I have a cracked hope. I kind of hope JJ pulls out an idol, and idols out Ian? Like then he is the obvious vote the next time, and me/Jules/Tom/Julia can keep it pushing.

im just... omg that this is happening. JJ, if you are reading this post season, my confessionals about you haven't been like... the nicest and I am genuinely super sorry. Its undeniable you have good intentions and mean well, but as people... idk if we vibe as much as you think we do, and like you somewhat overplayed your hand, which is why you are going home.

i mean its possible that you are just playing us all, and I'm outta here, which good for you woo! i'm not a threat at all woo, but congrats on the blindside. also idk if i ever confessed about this, but i asked Tom if he is related to Caeleb and they aren't (even tho they still look related).

also i'm telling tom jules is flipping on 5 mins, i don't want him left out since he is an AUSTRALIAN KING AND I WANNA STICK WITH HIM EVEN THO I'M HNNGH.

next round... i might have to persuade julia to flip on ian and jason... EEEK! stay tuned...

Budva tried to pull some cracked ass shit while I was getting my bread

More to come

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_nIjIQaTFE <- Video did not Embed

[minimin1993]

S/M 56

Warning: You guessed it. What normally happen on wedding night. Thats right black out drunk?

“Sebastian please don’t drink so much tonight.” Min whined watching Sebastian drink yet another glass of alcohol with his friends. 

“Come on princess, its our wedding night. Just a few more glasses.” 

“Yeah Minnie, let him drink a bit more.” Toby said slightly drunk clinking his glass with Sebastian. 

“Ok fine, you go ahead and drink the night away. Don’t come looking for me to bring you back to our room when you are passed out drunk.” Min pouted heading over to her girls.

“Aww my love its fine, let him drink and have fun. You only get married once in your life.” Jennie said pulling Min into her embrace. 

“I know but its our wedding night. I was hoping to have you know wedding night sex.” She answered sitting down with her girls making them laugh. 

“I swear you and Sebastian are going at it like rabbits. It's just one night, tomorrow you guys head out to St. Lucia for your honeymoon and I highly doubt you guys would be able to keep your hands off each other.” Tiffany jokes handing Min her glass of champagne. 

“To be honest, judging by how much you guys go at it. I am surprised you are not pregnant yet.” Jennie teases her nudging her a bit. 

“We haven’t decided on when to have kids yet, we still have time.” Min smiles looking at Sebastian laughing with his friends. 

“I can’t wait, you guys are going to pop out some cute ass babies I swear.” Key joins in excitedly. 

“And to make it better, the little thing is going to be so fucken spoiled.” Tiffany said. 

“Oh god, at least I will always have free babysitting then.” 

“Hel yess, give me a call anytime and I will come.” Tiffany said proudly, the night continued on and Min watches Sebastian get more and more intoxicated. 

 “So don’t get mad but we think we may have went overboard with getting him drunk.” Chris said apologetically rubbing the back of his neck when he walked over to Min. 

“Its fine, I honestly figured this was going to happen.” Min sighed walking over to her husband who was passed out on Chace and Paul shoulder. 

“We’re sorry Minnie.” They said in unison.

“Ehh its fine, can you guys help bring him to the room for me?” She said and the boys could tell she was pretty much irritated about the situation. “I can’t wait for you guys to get married next, I swear I will get your wife so drunk as payback for ruining my wedding night.” She mumbled under her breathe but the boys could hear it and laugh quietly at her. The boys helped carried Sebastian to their hotel room and dropped him on the bed apologizing once again before heading back out. 

Min sighs looking at the passed out Sebastian on the bed walking over and slowly remove his socks and shoes getting him comfortable tucking him into bed kissing his forehead sweetly before walking over to their ensuite to get ready for bed. Min was pouting sadly thinking how Sebastian won’t be able to get his wedding night present. As she reaches behind her to unzip her dress she felt someone wrapping their arms around her waist placing a lingering kiss on her neck. 

“I thought you were passed out drunk.” Min smiled pretending to still be annoyed at him enjoying the kisses he was giving all over her neck and shoulder. 

“I knew the guys were going to get me passed out drunk so I gotta pretend or else they would have never let me leave.” He mumbled into her neck lacing his fingers with her pulling her back toward him. 

“I even thought you were drunk.” 

“We act for a living love, you really think I am gonna miss my wedding night with official wife.” He asked looking in her eyes through the mirror which both their eyes shine with lust and want. 

“Now if you agree we still gotta consummate our marriage don’t you think.” 

Sebastian walks her back out to their room stopping her at the foot of their bed, he sweeps her hair to the side slowly and surely teasing her unzipping her wedding dress placing kisses softly on all the exposed skin taking in the sight in front of him.

“Fuck me, you really think I was going to miss this lovely present you have planned out for me?” Sebastian said after he turned her around seeing her stand there a sexy lingerie set.

“I picked it out specifically for tonight.” Min said shyly looking down at her feet only to have him lift her chin up to look at him. 

“Such a good girl, and all mine.” He practically growled possessively pulling her into a heated kiss he had been wanting to give her all night. His hands roaming all over her body enjoying her soft skin while hers frantically unbutton his shirt, however it was too slow for her liking before ripping the shirt apart pushing it off his chest having the buttons fly all over the place causing Sebastian to chuckle on her lips. He reaches down to his pants unbuckling the belt and pants in record time while her hands explore his prized tone body. Sebastian then pushes her playfully down on the bed causing her to squeal in excitement before he shucks his pants and boxers off climbing on top of her resuming the heated passionate kiss. 

“I love you my husband.” Min moans out when he kisses down her jaw and neck.

“I love you my wife. Forever and always.” He said pulling the bra down popping her breast into his mouth sucking on the nipple moving the other giving it the same treatment. Min was so lost in the pleasure he was giving her body completely unaware of his roaming hand before she heard a rip, she opens her eyes looking at the smirking Sebastian tossing her panties to the side. 

“You rip my shirt, I rip your panties. Its only fair don’t you think.” He teased heading back up to give her a kiss, he grips his aching cock giving it a few strokes lining it up with her entrance before he slowly eases in loving the tight wetness of her sweet cunt around his cock. He gives her a few shallow thrust listening to her moans until he know she was ready for him, Sebastian pushes himself onto his arm thrusting hard into her making her arch up in pleasure. 

“Fuck baby, just like that.” Min moans feeling him thrust slowly but hard into her hitting her spot he knows so perfectly to bring her to heaven. 

“Ride me babygirl. I need you to fucken ride me.” He said flipping them over helping her ride him hard with his hands roaming her sexy body bouncing on top of him. “My sexy ass wife.” 

“Fuck…” Min moans arching her body back hands on his knees as she gyrates her hips on his. “I don’t think I can hold much longer baby.” 

Sebastian sits up grabbing her hips to move faster on top of him while he buries his face in her breast giving her love bites all over. 

“Don’t hold back babygirl, let me have it.” Sebastian said thrusting up into her loving the way she was squirming in pleasure on top of him. “Just like that, fuck yes. I can feel you getting close.” Sebastian roams his hand up to her hair yanking her head back exposing more of her body to him having him latching his mouth harder on her breast. Min practically explodes in pleasure convulsing on top of him clenching him so tight he groans pushing her down onto the bed once again pounding into her so hard the bed was pounding into the wall. “Yesss, your so fucken tight baby.” 

“Fuckk, I am going to cum again. Sebastian…. Fuck…” She said cuming hard on him once more taking him over the edge spilling into her. Sebastian just sat there still inside of her panting hard into her chest while Min soothes his hair catching her breath hugging him close. 

“You can’t get rid of me now.” Min teases feeling him chuckle on her chest. 

“Its more like your stuck with me forever.” He jokes back. 

“I never planned on leaving you anyways. So forever sounds great.”

#bucky x reader #james buchanan barnes #sebastian stan #sebastian x reader #steve rogers #the first avenger #winter solider x you #winter soldier #originl character #captain america #infinity war #chris evans #original character #marvel #avengers #endgame