dreamtbydaylight

[dreamtbydaylight]

My Dark Urge character from Baldur’s Gate 3, Nyriel.

I’ve put way too many hours into this game. And by that I mean literally 220+ hours- and I still haven’t seen the darn ending.

I keep making new characters before I finish act 3. xD

#baldur's gate 3 #baldurs gate fanart #digital painting #assassin #digital fanart #digital art #killer #bhaalspawn #temple of bhaal #blood #fantasy #dark urge

[dreamtbydaylight]

I Can’t Paint A poem on Seasonal Depression with ADHD.

Like knives

Thoughts cut deep inside and all around me

Breaking, bending, twisting

Tearing me apart

I see black

I wander to the kitchen

To sit upon the chair

And Paint.

Colors,

Beautiful, bold, breathtaking

An intricate paint-by-number

A thoughtless shield

I see blue, yellow, green

There are only numbers, no knives

Just music

Peace

Kitchen warmth.

“Are you using that tonight?” she asks.

“Yes.”

I come home

To a painting on my bedroom floor.

I see red.

It gets shoved into a corner

And I stay in my room.

“I need to paint.”

“Don’t leave it out too long.”

My pain is sporadic, unpredictable.

I don’t know when I need to paint again.

A day passes

Or two

Or three.

“Put it away.”

I do.

The next day

I’m afraid of knives against my throat

But the painting is put away

And I am held hostage

My hands are tied.

I can’t paint.

“No. You can’t leave it out.”

Why?

“It makes me anxious seeing stuff left out.”

I understand

But I hurt

Because it makes me anxious

That my safety net

Can’t stay beneath me.

“You can just get it out when you need it.”

But they’ll never understand

That some days

I can barely lift myself to the kitchen,

Let alone the canvas.

I see gray.

The living room?

“No.”

“You can keep it downstairs.”

With people

And two televisions

In a concrete room,

Without open space.

“I can’t.”

I want music

Open air

Empty stillness, no people

There is a crack in the wall

And a fracture inside me.

I can’t paint.

The knives return

They cut me into ribbons

The painting sits discarded in a corner,

But I don’t care enough to move it.

I go to the kitchen

For comfort in food

And no canvas awaits me on the kitchen counter.

I am dragged back to my room

And I bleed.

I can’t paint.

Months go by

The paint has all dried out

A picture of two bluebirds

Sits unfinished, and never will be

“You seem so sad lately!”

“You should get out your paint!”

But it’s too late

The paint is gone

And I won’t buy another

Only to watch it fail again

When it’s thrown upon my floor.

“You make such a big deal out of this.”

“You can bring it out, just put it away when you’re done.”

“Or set it up downstairs.”

But I can’t

Because the noise

The people

The location

Are wrong.

I am in distress, I want to cry

And I can’t put it into words

And they can’t understand

Because they aren’t me.

I can’t paint.

I need my net

To catch me when I fall.

To keep it put away,

Is to try strapping on the parachute

After you’ve already been falling

And the ground is in sight.

I see nothing. 

I’m so scared.

The knives are back.

“I haven’t seen you paint lately!”

Because they notice I’m sad

But I can’t leave it out

So it is unavailable to me.

A mind that isn’t mine

Can’t hope to understand

Why I need the paint out

And why I can’t paint downstairs

Or in my bedroom

To be away from anyone and everything

And lose myself in the numbers

Instead of depression.

So I will sit

And rot

In my room

Because

I can’t paint.

------

Hi all!

This is very different from what I normally post here. But I figured poetry is art, and this is something that's been upsetting me for a while, so I wanted to get it out somehow. This follows no particular format or style of poetry and is my personal experience with a method I used to use to help myself during Autumn, which I am now having to rethink because of my mother. I'm going to try those Diamond Dot Paintings, as I should be able to work on it in my room since there's no water and mixing paints involved and I'll have to sit in bed to work on it.

Not ideal, since it's nice to be able to get even a small change of scenery, but better than nothing!

#poetry #depression #seasonal depression #mental illness #ADHD #mental health poem #distress #vent art

[dreamtbydaylight]

“Twins with too much time on their hands… are the devil.” ~Tamaki Suoh

#ouran high school host club #ouran fanart #hitachiin twins #hikaru hitachiin #kaoru hitachiin #mischief #sketchbook #outlining pen #anime and manga #anime drawing #manga fanart #ouran academy #sketch

[dreamtbydaylight]

Hi all~!

My latest obsession is Ouran High School Host Club. I had never seen it before. I have since finished the anime, then bought and finished the entire manga box set. >_< And my god is it lovely.

I have to say I absolutely love the Twins. They’re so extra- but I adored their character development in the manga so much. I was in pain for Kaoru for a while before their conflict reached a resolution (totally not yelling to myself in private about how they both better end up happy g*dd*mmit *flipping tables*).

Ahem. Anyway. I was trying to figure out whether Corytha’s personality would work better with Kaoru or Hikaru, but in the end I feel like her and Hikaru would have a good dynamic that challenges them both and balances out. Regardless, her timid demeanor makes her an easy target for the twins’ antics, which you can bet Hikaru would take full advantage of even when it’s just the two of them. So here’s some fluff for those two!

A fun side note: I feel a little bit too much like Haruhi in some ways???? Her hair is the same as mine, we’re almost the same height, both of us suck at acting, don’t care much about appearances… just found it funny. I feel like she’s my anime doppelganger. If I ever have to cosplay I know who it’s gonna be. Except my eyes are blue instead of brown, but ya know, close enough.

#ouran host club #ouran academy #ouran fanart #hikaru hitachiin #manga fanart #digital art #hitachiin twins #ouran high school host club #krita #oc fanart #cute #anime

[dreamtbydaylight]

I apologize for my prolonged absence. Please take this sinfully feminine man as tribute.

#demon #incubus #sketchbook #manga style #black and white #illustration #fantasy character #flirtatious #long haired men #sketch

[dreamtbydaylight]

My entry to the Pokemon TCG art contest that didn’t make it to the next rounds; an arcanine enjoying a sunny afternoon in the woods!

#digital art #krita #cute #arcanine #pokemon #pokemon tcg #pokemon art #big yawn #pokemon tcg contest

[dreamtbydaylight]

“Shatter”

Been dealing with a lot of changes lately and learning more about my mental health.

For when the world feels like too much. When the cracks form along the walls and you run out of ways to patch the holes. When you suddenly see your reflection in the broken mirror. When you feel like too much and not enough.

When the illusion of peace shatters and you are left picking up the pieces of yourself, trying to fit them together in a way that makes sense. In a way you can love.

But sometimes, that is how the healing starts. And one day the cuts disappear and the mirror is made whole once again. And who should you find but yourself, smiling, cracks filled with gold.

#inkdrawing #wolf #shattered glass #breaking #sketchbook #black and white #mental health #loss #depression #sketch #animal art #portrait #healing #starting over #too much #emotions #anxiety #exhaustion

[dreamtbydaylight]

Random digital piece I suddenly had the energy to start working on! Unrealistic version of myself as the subject. :P You know, if I had more sass and knew how to use makeup.

May or may not finish the entire thing, but I’m glad to finally be able to pick up my pen again.

#digital art #krita #fantasy #digital portrait #self portrayal #red hair #fire

[dreamtbydaylight]

Absolutely stunning!! Please check out Yuumei, they are a wonderful, wonderful artist that has given me so much inspiration over the years. Detailed, gorgeous scenes with so much color, and some very meaningful pieces as well.

I had a sudden urge to paint Chinese porcelain snakes with plants. Not exactly holiday themed but who knows how inspiration works anyway lol Merry Christmas! 

[dreamtbydaylight]

*Stumbling into the room wearing a pillow case on my head*: Hey! It only took me like multiple months, but look, I found my artistic motivation!!

Seriously though it's been a while. Adulting is fun. I am still very much a fan and active player of Obey Me, and the hype for Devil Day 2021 is quickly approaching, so I decided to draw one of my characters as MC holding a sheep to match!

Corytha Foster is a shy, timid girl that would likely have a hard time adjusting to life in the Devildom. Nonetheless she is kind, creative and thoughtful, bringing a soft and bright atmosphere to those around her. Very giving towards those she cherishes.

Hobbies: Drawing, Singing, Piano, Nature Walks, Reading, Baking or Cooking, Tending to Plants/Gardening.

Favorite Class at RAD: Botany 101 (though the carnivorous plants are somewhat intimidating.)

Friends: Luke, Simeon, Mammon, Beelzebub, Belphegor

Crushes: Mammon, Beelzebub

Hiding From: Asmodeus, because he won't leave her alone, and she cannot handle the flirting. Which, of course, makes him want to flirt more just to see her flustered. Yikes.

Terrified of: Lucifer. (And yet totally hasn't left late night tea for him while he's working. Nope. Must have been someone else.)

#obey me otome #obeymefanart #cute #digital art #krita #shall we date obey me #obey me mc #otome game #original character #sheep #mc sheep #soft #blonde #rad uniform #happy #smile

[dreamtbydaylight]

My Stones to Carry: A Mental Health Exercise

--Long post ahead!!--

Hello lovelies!

Lately, I've been doing a lot of personal work in my life. I have come across an exercise that I really wanted to share for anyone who deals with similar issues that I do, because I've found it starting to really help me in my day-to-day life.

I'm somewhat of a chronic worrywort. Recently, I've had so much burnout, I'm exhausted early in the day when nothing has really happened, and any next steps feel like climbing mountains instead of the mole hills they really are. I was advised to take a step back and evaluate why this is happening, and it starts with a simple question: "Is this my stone to carry?"

Everyone carries stones. There's big stones, little stones, unusually shaped stones. Some stones we have to carry because they're important, others people have handed to us against our will, and others still are invisible- we don't even realize we picked them up to begin with.

The thing with these stones is that not all of them matter. And if you're holding on to too many, you don't have room to pick up new ones you need to. Some of these unecessary stones are large and hard to move on your own, in which case I am a huge proponent of therapy. Some of these stones are small- but remember that the longer we hold on to something, the heavier it begins to feel. If you're anything like me, you might have a tendency to carry stones that don't even have anything to do with you. Stones that aren't even yours. They take up your mental space and energy that could be applied elsewhere. So, this simple exercise is meant to help you start laying down the stones you don't need to be carrying and lighten your load by prompting a simple question whenever something arises- it could be a situation, a mistake you think you made or did make, a memory, even a comment made by someone else.

This prompt helps you consider the situation and first determine if it's something even within your control. If it's something outside of your control, there's really no point in carrying it to begin with. For example, I often worry about the perception others have of me. For me, this exercise may start off with a simple thought:

"Man, I sounded really weird just then. Why did I say it like that? I sound so dumb sometimes. (Person) probably thinks I'm stupid. I need to be better than this."

Sound familiar at all? It's easy sometimes for thoughts to spiral into self-degrading comments and judgement. The first thing to do when you have a thought attacking your own character is to pause and notice when you're tearing yourself down. Once you've identified what's happening, you can ask yourself, "Is this my stone to carry?"

In other words, do I really want to spend any time on this? I do not control other people's thoughts or feelings about me. And it's okay to have quirks. So sometimes I sound silly. I'm not hurting anyone by doing this, and I am not a defective person. Sometimes my mouth jumps ahead of my brain and I stumble over goodbyes or answers to people's questions, even if my brain came up with a cohesive response. Is that really worth calling myself stupid over? I should hope not. This isn't something I need to worry about. It is not my stone to carry, so I set it down and move on.

Over the years, I've learned how to be harsh with myself for minor things. I've learned to monitor every word and action, every response. I collect mistakes from my past like a squirrel hoards nuts for winter. Many of us carry stones from our histories. Maybe we were different people back then, or something bad happened to us, and we just can't let go of it. We harbor guilt and resentment towards ourselves from back then.

I had major depression for five years between middle school and into high school. My opinion of myself was quite low, and I won't go into details over where it almost left me. I was an angry, bitter person, with a poor memory that made poor calls on occasion. I've forgotten entire vacations with my family between those years. One thing I do remember is those times I got snippy with my teachers, or one time in class where I thought my teacher had left and made a snarky remark about an assignment to everyone before realizing they were still in the room.

Every now and then that specific event replays in my head, especially in the evening.

"Why did I say that? What was I thinking? God, that was so embarassing. People probably laughed at me behind my back. I was such an idiot."

Having started this exercise, the next time it happened, I paused and I stared at that stone in my hands. Is this my stone to carry? It happened so long ago. I wasn't in a good place then and made a poor decision. I've learned from it and I've become a better person. I have nothing left to gain from this memory, and nothing to be ashamed of if I truly understand who I was back then and how hard I was struggling just to get out of bed each morning. It may not seem great now, but back then I was doing the best I can. This is no longer my stone to carry. So I set the stone back down.

This process can also apply to the future. I worry a lot over what tomorrow will bring, or next week, or next year. Worrying about work, about how I will do at a certain task, worrying about other things that need to get done. When those worrisome thoughts arise, it can look something like this:

"I don't know what to expect this week, what if I do that wrong? What if I screw things up?"

A lot of times, I'm worried about not performing as well as people may like me to, of being judged and not being able to plan every situation in advance. But that's just not how life works. Is this my stone to carry? I don't control everything that will happen in my future. The only things I control are my actions and my thoughts. So, I will show up as prepared as I can, and try to let life take care of the rest. Lately, I've been very stressed about finding a full-time, longer term job. I'm used to internships and school. My brain has been a trainwreck:

"What if I can't find something? What if I'm stuck in a place that feels miserable, or the people are toxic? What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm not happy? What if what I'm looking for just doesn't exist? What if no one likes me enough to hire me? What if my friends or family don't like what I decide to apply for, will I be disappointing people? Disappointing myself?"

I have felt increasingly isolated and hopeless, and the search has barely even begun! And I realized I've been scraping up stones left and right with worries over things that haven't even happened yet. Are these my stones to carry? I don't control hiring managers. I don't control what's available. I don't control my family's opinions. All I control is fixing up my resume, browsing what's available, getting clear on what I'm interested in and hitting that apply button. I control the steps I take in the process, but not the outcome. These worries won't help me succeed, they only hold me back from trying. So no, these aren't my stones to carry. And so I work on setting them back down.

What I hope this exercise does is give you a simple prompt that's easy to remember so the next time a thought or memory or situation starts to set you off and hurt you, you can take a moment to pause and look at it from a distance. See what you are responsible for and what you're not. See what matters to you and what doesn't, or what shouldn't (which can be subjective). Have you learned what you can from it? Do you have any direct influence over it? Are you being too harsh with yourself?

When you're carrying too much, eventually you crash. Even the smallest of stones become impossible to carry. So for your mental health, start learning to establish boundaries in your thoughts. Hold on to the things that matter, let go of the things that don't. Sometimes it's super hard to do that- sometimes we think things matter that really don't. It's a learning process and a skill we develop throughout our lives, but I think it's one worth having, especially for people who are sensitive to the feedback of those around them or base their success and worth on external factors. Take some of your power back and start refusing to accept stones that aren't yours.

I hope this post can be of some help to somebody, and please feel free to share this with someone that may need to hear it! I hope all of the stones you're carrying can grow lighter and that you can drop the ones not meant for you!

-Best, Claire <3

#stones #mental health #self love #stress #anxiety #depression #digital art #mental wellbeing #boundary work #thought distortions #holding too much #struggle #coping #mental health exercise #regrets #problems #exhaustion #boundaries #therapy #hope #burnout #fears #worry #healthy thinking #reflection #growth #motivation #understanding #forgiveness

[dreamtbydaylight]

Happy October!

While I haven’t had much time for new artwork lately (though I do have some ideas), I discovered some older drawings that I never shared. Starting with this sketch of a character called Mantix, a sort of wolf-like dragonesque creature with three pairs of legs. She can run long distances without stopping for days.

#sketchbook #creature design #wolf dragon #fangs #sketch #creature art #fluffy #beast

[dreamtbydaylight]

Finally time for the next part in my floral crown woodland series, the Northern Saw-Whet Owl! Pictured here is a lovely feathered lady with a crown of pink azaleas. If you google photos of this owl it looks like it’s wearing eyeliner I swear. And she do be gorgeous!

Available now on my Redbubble shop here: https://www.redbubble.com/shop/ap/88790258

#owl #northern saw-whet owl #bird #avian #avian art #watercolor #drawing #illustration #spring #springtime #pink #azalea #owl art #nature #seasons #flower #flower crown #cute #feathers #redbubble #design #floral #sweet #bright #Redbubble Designs

[dreamtbydaylight]

“W-Wha-?! ‘Course I’m not happy ya remembered my birthday, a-any good human ought to remember an important day for The Great Mammon! Hey, quit smilin’!”

Happy Birthday you goofball.

(Fanart of Mammon, Avatar of Greed, for his 2021 birthday! Character belongs to the game Obey Me.)

#the great mammon #mammon fanart #mammon #obeymefanart #obey me mammon #obey me #digital art #digital portrait #demon art #happy birthday mammon #krita #avatar of greed #smile #celebrate

[dreamtbydaylight]

Hello friends! :D

I finally had the energy to work on a new digital illustration! I wanted to try going for a style similar to one of my favorite manga artists, Khaoskai.

Featured here is one of my characters, Vendromihr. He’s an incubus demon with the ability to alter his appearance to seem visually human, and can also speak into peoples’ minds. In this image he is in the beginning stages of transforming into his demon form, in which his skin turns a darker shade of purple and gains small scale-like protrusions. Fond of relaxing music, peaches, and dirty jokes.

Total time: Around 6.5 hours.

#incubus #demon #demon art #digital art #digital painting #made with Krita #demonic #long hair #red hair #raven skull #roses #thorns #original character #digital illustration #seduction #xppentablet #horns #black vest #dark #transform

[dreamtbydaylight]

Just wanted to show the beginning of a sketch and how I started to go over it with the ink pen brush that I found on the Krita program. I really enjoyed going over the basic lines and making the illustration/character come to life in a new way, and I have to say I think I’ll like to try using this style for a little bit to see how it works out!

I’m also happy to say I’m going to start saving for a new desktop computer, which will hopefully help me to do digital art with less lag/crashing issues, and help me to better see the colors I’m working with. 

Finished product will be posted soon!

#demon art #krita #art WIP #illustration #digital sketch #incubus #practice #horns

[dreamtbydaylight]

Just a little something I decided to work on tonight. Approximately 3-4 hours, will probably keep playing with it over time.

#sunset #digitalart #digital painting #girl #lost #red #orange #yellow #pretty #nighttime #stargazing #fireflies #art wip #krita painting #tall grass #sunlight #hope