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t3kandson · 1 year

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Forgetful Memories

Word count; 7,318

Fandom; Monsta X

Pairing; Son Hyunwoo X Reader (Sunyoung) Lee Minhyuk X Reader.

Characters; Son Hyunwoo, Lee Minhyuk, Lee Hoseok, Yoo Kihyun, Chae Hyungwon, Lee Jooheon & IM Changkyun

Warning; Angst, Jealousy, Slight Domestic Violence, Slight Cheating, Slight Suicidal thoughts, Manipulation, Supernatural powers & Sex.

Notes; Happy Birthday Hyunwoo ❤️😘

“But it hurts,” Hyungwon whined pleading with his friend Hyunwoo. “I don’t think you understand what your asking for,” he reply’s patting his friends shoulder. “I do, I know your skills, your power,” Hyungwon whispers eyes widened. “Once they are gone I can’t get them back. Not even if I wanted to,” Hyunwoo said sternly. Hyungwon knew the elder hated using the gift he somehow was thrown upon. All he remembered was waking in the dark underground derelict tunnels of Seoul. Kihyun had found him scared lost alone and his memory’s wiped. The younger had revealed that he somehow had great powers to remove memory’s. Teaching him how to safely remove them for good purposes especially ones that healed broken hearts. “But I don’t know how long I can continue to live with this pain,” Hyungwon said looking pained. “You said a few months and it’s been that now. She’s all I can think of, breathe even,” he added with tears slipping down his face. “Fine,” Hyunwoo relented sitting up as he breathed in deeply. Helping friends when he wasn’t sure losing memory’s including good times was a positive thing. “You know,”, “their is risks I could lose other memory’s,”,”I know,” Hyungwon said desperately cutting him off. “Let me prep,” Hyunwoo said standing to his feet.

Dipping his fingers in to the Frankincense oil, Hyunwoo sprinkles it over Hyungwon. The settling music to relax both their mind settles them both. Another coating of the aroma, the chants fill the air as he press both index fingers to his friends Temple. Rushed memory’s fills his mind, heart warming of love when they first met. The happiness and joy during their time together, before the pain of the break up. Feeling the vibration of pain attack Hyungwon’s body, Hyunwoo focuses on sucking every one out till the last. The pain and anger of the situation befallen him. Images of the room being thrown in fits of rage was horrible to view. It was one of the reasons he hated doing this for people he cared about. Gritting his teeth he abstracted the final memory of his friends pain. Imagining his violet aura he helped to plunge happiness into the cracks of the missing memory. Absorbing the emptiness and confusion that would have occurred. Panting he stepped back as he looked at the relaxed features on the younger’s face. Wobbling slightly he leaned on the wall, Hyungwon’s pain still cursing through him. “You ok?” Hyungwon said with concern. “You not well?” He asked as his hands fell to Hyunwoo’s shoulders. “Tired, long day at work,” he replied being relieved it seemingly was successful. “What was we talking about?” Hyungwon looked at his friend confused. “You was telling me about your work friends wedding that’s coming up,” Hyunwoo slipped out remembering his plus one invite that brought his woes to you. “Ahh yes so it’s clear I need more clothing brought in. Fancy a bit of retail therapy,” he asked bending for a sip of water.

Before Hyunwoo could respond the door opened as their friend Minhyuk arrived, gift in arms. “Happy birthday Hyung,” he said throwing his arm tenderly around Hyunwoo. “Thanks,” he replied bashfully as Hyungwon’s eyes widened in horror. “Hyung I’m so sorry I completely forgot,” Hyungwon leapt up off the sofa, wobbling that Hyunwoo realised he hadn’t fully recovered from his memory alteration. Minhyuk rushed to his side with concern. It was like he knew automatically as he tilted towards the elder. “You ok? you seem like your a little unwell,” He said letting his hands brush along Hyungwon’s forehead. “I’m fine, I think maybe it’s because I haven’t eaten,” Hyungwon said as he forced himself out Minhyuk’s hold. “I will be fine after I’ve eaten something I’m sure,” Hyungwon said as Minhyuk’s eyes brushed Hyunwoo’s sheepish ones. “Call me for that shopping date,” Hyungwon said walking off a little light stepped then normal.

“You took his memory’s of her away didn’t you?” Minhyuk snapped as soon as the door shut. “Minhyuk please,” Hyunwoo said as he walked to the kitchen in the hope liquor would calm his friend a little. “You swore you wouldn’t do that to a friend,” Minhyuk growled following behind. “He was in pain what did you want me to do?” Hyunwoo snapped as he reached for the whisky. “There is a third person in this or do you never care for the person wiped from their mind,” Minhyuk said with pain in his face. “Look, Hyungwon has been harassing me for months. He needed this now, their was plenty of time for a reunion. It just didn’t happen because he’s clearly meant for someone else,” Hyunwoo said filling the glasses. “But those memories she might have cherished,” Minhyuk said much more calmer. “If you was in his mind and saw the pain he was in you wouldn’t have cared for her memory’s,” he said with haunted eyes as Minhyuk breathed in deeply. “He was slowly losing himself, his depression was crippling him,” Hyunwoo said with fear that made a shiver fall upon Minhyuk. “But how are you feeling?” Minhyuk said seemingly given up his fight. “Exhausted like i always am,” Hyunwoo replied passing his friend his drink? “That’s why I got you this,” Minhyuk said passing the gift in his hand to him. “You really didn’t need to,” Hyunwoo said as he started peeling the paper off. “You won’t say that once you’ve opened,” Minhyuk said with excitement. Hyunwoo looked puzzled when he found the brown metal band ring. It looked like costume jewellery from an medieval fancy dress costume. “I saw Kihyun I told him you was exhausted after your sessions. He past me two of these, it means you get strength from me when your weakened,” Minhyuk said smiling as Hyunwoo felt gratitude towards him. “Wow that’s really thoughtful, thanks,” he said as he placed the ring on. Minhyuk showed him his version of the ring. With the twiddling of his fingers Hyunwoo felt a warm rush of energy charge at you. “Wow I felt that,” he said Before looking to his friend concerned. “How do you feel?” Hyunwoo questioned as Minhyuk smiled his way. “Nothing I don’t feel anything. You sure it’s working?” Minhyuk said before looking back to his fingers. “So you don’t feel weakened from passing me your strength?” Hyunwoo said holding on to Minhyuk’s hands lost in the excitement. Sessions of his mind alterations had weakened Hyunwoo each time. The thoughts that he didn’t have to suffer alone brought so much peace.

Moments like this had made him grateful that Kihyun had allowed Minhyuk to be aware of his powers. It meant that their was some one he could confide in, but also that could help when he felt weakened by his powers.

“Please Hyung,” the concerned voice of his friend filled the air as Hyunwoo’s hands fell to his thighs as he closed his eyes to his dilemma. “You was the one who told me to always think of your friends and who they could be removing. What has changed?” Hyunwoo said opening his eyes in the hope to change his friends mind. “She’s in pain hyung, I can’t bare it,” he said with sorrowful eyes. “Minhyuk you know the complications, you have always been against them even when I’ve been the one who couldn’t bare it. Look at Hyungwon just last month,” He said in hope to convince him to drop his pleas. “He abused her, it wouldn’t even be safe to go back,” Minhyuk said with fear. “That makes it worse, how is she to remember the danger she could walk back into,” Hyunwoo said standing to his feet. “Her memory is what keeps her forgiving him. The love she shares it’s like she prays she can change him. He’s going to kill her eventually if she keeps going back,” Minhyuk said with shaky breath. “If you can remove the memory’s, that love…. I will keep an eye on her make sure she doesn’t return back to him,” Minhyuk pleaded. “Your in love with her aren’t you?” Hyunwoo asked, not too sure why his throat burned with those words. “No, I just want to keep her safe I swear,” he replied standing to take his elders hand in his. Minhyuk’s eyes fell into his and Hyunwoo breathed almost in pain at the turmoil he faced. “Fine let me meet her first, I want to analyse everything,” Hyunwoo said with an uneasy feeling. “Hyung but you,” , “have to be discrete I know, I’m not a fool Lee Minhyuk,” Hyunwoo said turning his back on his friend. His mind crusading an attack of fearful consequences he couldn’t explain.

“What if he doesn’t like me?” Sunyoung said with worry as her close friend dragged her towards Hyunwoo’s home. “Babe trust me, he will love you,” Minhyuk said brushing his hands along the straying hair in her eyes. “He’s gently approachable, and you, your amazing,” Minhyuk said as his fingers dragged along her jawline as she smiled her beautiful cat shaped eyes his way. “I forgot I got you a gift,” he said passing her a small box. “What is this Minhyuk,” she said with anticipation. “It’s just something I saw that made me think of you,” he replied as his hands fell to her shoulder. Opening a beautiful Purple Lotus flower broach, it dazzled from the sunlight. “Wow it’s really beautiful,” she said looking between her gift and Minhyuk’s happy eyes. “You are the sweetest,” she added as she leaned up on her toes to place a single kiss on his cheek. “When I saw this I thought how beautiful it would compliment you,” he said taking it from the box. His fingers delicately touching the flower shapes. Stumbling slightly she looked at him with concern. “Baby,” she squealed with worry as she held his arms. “Just it’s such a hot day,” he gasped slightly as she looked to the sun. “Well let’s get out this heat,” Sunyoung smiled. “I haven’t fixed this yet,” Minhyuk said shaking himself off. Piercing the broach into her top, he smiled at her as his fingers raked over it once more. “Aargh,” Sunyoung cried as she dropped her drink, her hands falling to her head. “Sunyoung,” Minhyuk cried out as he threw his arms around her. “What’s up?” He asked with concern as she looked slightly dazed. “Baby?“ he called with his hands cupping her face to look at him. “I don’t know, I don’t think I feel so great you know,” she said looking up at him with sorrow in her eyes. “Let’s get you upstairs, he will be able to help I’m sure,” Minhyuk whispered reassuringly. Looking at his dark calming eyes she nodded before taking his hand to make their way up.

Sunyoung was timid, Hyunwoo could see the tale signs of her abuse. The refusal of eye contact. She seem wary and almost a stench of confusion attacked him. He was feeling all sorts of emotions from her that it was unsettling. Finally understanding why Minhyuk had come despite his feeling of Hyunwoo’s talent he agreed. She didn’t take much persuasion believing that Hyunwoo could use meditation to make her feel stronger. Minhyuk sat opposite them, his anxiety filling the air making Hyunwoo more uncomfortable. “Can you leave us be for a while please. I can feel your concern from here it’s distressing,” Hyunwoo demanded as Minhyuk reluctantly agreed . “It’s ok, your safe,” Hyunwoo says to calm Sunyoung from Minhyuk’s removal. Nodding she relaxed back into the chair as Hyunwoo’s eyes find the broach. Was this a romantic gesture? Was it brought from her former lover? Why did he feel so very unsettled around the object? Shaking his head to dislodge the interrupting emotions he was currently feeling. His fingers dipped into the frankincense. Setting the session up as usual before pressing his fingers to her temple.

A smell of darkness abrupted his nose as he felt suffocated by the intoxicating atmosphere. His body feeling the punches from her former lover. Choking as he struggled under the overwhelming trauma she had experienced. Fighting for the light to bring her peace was hard. Each time he tried to bring it over them both a flash of darkness would attack. Whimpering as she also struggled, fear fell upon Hyunwoo as he fought under the pressure. “Hyung,” you heard from the corner of the room the sound of your worried friend. “Let me help please,” he pleaded rushing towards his elder having re-entered the room. “What do I do?” Minhyuk’s said, his shakey hand over lapping Hyunwoo’s. “Imagine a violet light,” Hyunwoo whimpered as his eyes opened slightly to see Minhyuk obey. Having him by his side seemed to have done the trick, the violent shine fighting easier against the darkness. However, as it finally shone around you, it was like the power was overwhelming, throwing you back. Hitting your head on the Floor by the impact, your eyes briefly saw the same for the others as your eyes shut. What had you done? Had it gone wrong?

Waking up to Changkyun shaking him as he looks relieved from Hyunwoo opening his eyes. “Thank god your ok,” he said stepping back. “What happened?” Hyunwoo spluttered as he sat up to view Jooheon over Minhyuk and Hoseok gently attempting to wake Sunyoung. “We was hoping you could tell us,” Jooheon said as he shook Minhyuk’s unconscious body. “We got a message from Minhyuk telling us to hurry here,” Hoseok said as he seemed to have given up waking Sunyoung. “They’re breathing though,” Jooheon said as Changkyun held his hand to the elder. Standing wearily Hyunwoo took himself to check on the young lady. Fingers falling to her pulse he sighed a breath relief to feel it beating beneath his tips. “I told you they both are breathing, but they look like something knocked them out,” Jooheon spluttered. “The ambulance will be here soon,” Hoseok said reassuringly. Hyunwoo hands fell to Sunyoung’s chest as he shook her knocking the broach that scratched his skin. Yelping he looked to the small bleeding cut as he felt wearily once more. Breathing hard he felt suffocation attack again. But instead of Sunyoung’s memories they was his own.

His eyes falling to her in university, heart racing every time she spoke to him.

Words of arranging their first date, the nerves attacking till they eased of her acceptance.

The warmth in his hand when his hands met hers the first time.

Hyunwoo’s hands fell to his heart as if he was struggling to breathe. “Hyung,” Changkyun cried as his hands rested on his shoulder concerned.

“I love you Sunyoung,” slipped from Hyunwoo’s lips as she was standing outside the door from the date. Her head tilting with confusion as if she misheard. “I’ve loved you since I first met you,” Hyunwoo confessed as his heart beat from the smile on her face. Leaping up towards him her lips fell on his as they kissed for the first time. Though she hadn’t repeated the words back to him, he was happy she had accepted his.

Hyunwoo’s fingers fell upon his lips as he looked at Sunyoung’s sleeping face. Jooheon’s worried features in his view being almost invisible.

Working out at the gym as he struggled with his ever growing manhood when she bent down to tie her shoe laces. The wink in her eyes told him she was teasing him. He was anxious to take her virginity and had put it off. While she thought her hints wasn’t loud enough she became frustrated. “Do I have to initiate everything around here?” She said standing up to raise her beautiful eyes Hyunwoo’s way. The shape of her cat eyes captured her beauty that stole his breath. “What do you mean?” he choked as she chuckled her angelic laughter. “That maybe we should make that next move,” She said brushing her hand down his ripped body. Brushing further his hardened tent in his boxers, he let a moan escape. “What here?” He gasped shocked as he looked around the empty gym. Her deep laughter stole his attention back as she shook her head amused. “Well if you fancy it, but I meant when we get home,” she chuckled.

“I think he’s broken,” Changkyun’s voice pierced attempted to break his memory’s. The concerning voices of his friends falling back to inaudible as his mind continued to race the new memory’s he finally sought.

Door smashing into the wall from Hyunwoo’s desperate passion now he decided to let himself loose on her. Lips, tongues and teeth clashing as their hands couldn’t stop exploring each others body’s. Cradling her, he took her to the bedroom tossing her on the bed. The impact harsh as he apologised before she reassured him she was fine. Tearing each others clothing between hasty kisses that Hyunwoo almost died that second. Her pretty perky breasts standing to attention as he inwardly groaned with how much his cock was strained. Like a crazed animal devouring his prey it wasn’t long before he was between her legs. The feeling of himself being crushed by her walls was making him lose his mind. Her whimpers not helping his impatient state. “Slow down baby,” she whimpered snapping him from his hungry need. Her fingers lacing with his as her eyes hypnotised him as his movements slowed. “Hyunwoo,” she cried as he called her by her name too. “Don’t leave me,” she pleaded as he promised her as he made love to the girl he was crazy about.

“Really what the hell dude,” Hoseok spluttered as Changkyun chuckled. “He’s broken and horny,” Jooheon sniggered amused at Hyunwoo’s apparent erection. But before he could make comment the memory’s continue to flood in.

The pain of the arguments followed the feeling of falling apart. It left Hyunwoo whimpering just from the memory. He could feel the knowledge he was losing her. She had become well known and successful in her career and it felt like he was being left behind. The call of the job that she desperately wanted hit his ears. She didn’t know that he was standing in the hallway from her room. He felt wrong for earwigging, but the minute he heard her excitement he was glad. Sorrow hitting in when she heard the pain fall from knowing she had to leave Seoul. He knew she was crazy in love with him and knew she would sacrifice her career. He loved her too much to let her lose her future, her dreams. Storming the room startling her as she apologised with a promise to call them back. “Baby,” she cried looking at him as she fought to shake her emotions. “We need to talk,” Hyunwoo said hastily, but he knew if he didn’t act while his impulse desire was on fire that second, he knew he never would. “What about,” she said looking at him with the pure devoted love he knew would mess her future up with. “I’m seeing someone,” Hyunwoo inwardly cursed himself for such a horrible excuse. “What,” she said as pain laced her thoughts, horror on her expression as your heart beat so crazy. “I’m leaving you,” he said as he pinched himself, forcing the tears threatening to subside. “What?” She cries walking to him at speed as her hands fall to his collar. “Baby, why you saying this?” she cry’s as Hyunwoo’s conscience begins to struggle. “Because it’s true, you deserve better then me,” he said pushing her from him that she stumbled slightly. His hands reaching to pull her back from falling broke his heart. It was as if by touching her his resolve was faltering. The desire to be greedy to call himself out on his lie and keep her to himself was high. But he had to sacrifice the relationship they had for her career. He placed her sobbing body on the bed as he choked back a tear turning to walk away. Her overwhelming confusion tear filled face haunting him.

“Where is this bloody ambulance,” Hoseok cursed as tears began falling from Hyunwoo’s face. “Any sign of them waking yet?” Changkyun asked Jooheon who was still trying to arouse the other two from there unconscious state.

The pain of living without his beloved was overbearing. The drinks heavily trying to numb the pain he threw himself into. It had been a year and through out that whole time the pain hadn’t eased once. It was like he saw her sobbing face every single minute he closed his eyes. Dreams of the good times and nightmares of the worse, brought tears every morning he woke. Hearing that she had sought success in America was a bitter pill to swallow. She looks so healthy and happy as if she didn’t miss him one single bit. The rage in him that it was easier for her then himself made him bitter. Hyunwoo’s days was filled with bitterness and large amounts of alcohol. Friends thrown aside in fear of being close to anyone he would have to abandon again. When depression sunk him so deep that suicidal thoughts plunged his mind, he was saved. This memory was a little more fractured as he tried to dig harder. Knowing how he got his powers was something he couldn’t remember. The safe warm arms of Kihyun hitting his fragile sobbing body filled his mind. “I can save you, take your pain away,” Yoo Kihyun, Hyunwoo’s saviour said as he nodded. The feeling of his torture being taken from him was a blessing as if he was an angel sucking Hyunwoo’s soul from everything dark. But along with that went his memory’s, every single memory of Sunyoung.

Horror filled his mind, had he pushed her into the arms of her abuser while he had forgotten her. Guilt filled his conscience as he almost choked on his tears. “Let me see him,” he heard the voice of him saving him once more. “I remember,” you cried locking your eyes on Kihyun in your living room. “It’s ok,” Kihyun said throwing his hand through his hair that he closed his eyes to further more flashbacks.

“What did i do?” Hyunwoo cried out to him as he looked at the unconscious body of a helpless person. “It’s ok, somehow your powers called out to you,” Kihyun said tilting his head at his confused elder. “Huh?” Hyunwoo said in despair. “You can remove minds, it’s a error how you got this but somehow you do,” Kihyun said with his calm aura that told you to trust him.

Hyunwoo had gained his powers through him removing his memory’s. He looked up at Kihyun before his eyes fell back to Sunyoung. “Save her please,” he cried, desperate for her to be ok. “Ok,” Kihyun said standing. “Lets see if I can wake them,” he said walking towards Sunyoung. His hand feeling her pulse as he smiled. Removing her cardigan her broach flicked to the floor as she woke breathing heavily. Hyunwoo saw the clip of the broach spin as he looked up towards her. “Is she ok?” Minhyuk’s voice filled the air as you saw him fling his arms around her. Jealousy biting you in that sharp second. “She’s ok, but now the ambulance is here it won’t harm you all to be checked over,” Kihyun said looking at Hyunwoo with concern.

“What’s happening?” Hyunwoo whispered to Kihyun when the doctors had left his hospital bed. “You took the girl who’s memory’s you removed from your own. That’s a rare thing to happen so it was bound to be that nature decided to gift yours back,” he said leaning his hands onto his own thighs. “But where was my memory’s from us when I took hers? I didn’t sense them,” He questioned as Kihyun shrugged. “My guess is because they was ones stolen from yours that they couldn’t be retrieved by yourself during the process,” Kihyun said as Hyunwoo bit his lip in thought. “Why didn’t I noticed the signs, she didn’t even look fazed by my presence,” he questioned. “Again my only explanation is she fell out of love with you. Her pain from her former lover just overwhelmed yours,” he said placing a fake smile. Hyunwoo wondered if this meant did she even love him. She didn’t look like she cared moving onto her career so easily. The negativity biting him once more as he closed his eyes. “You need to let that bitterness go,” Kihyun said looking at him with concern. “How can I when each second I feel that crippling pain as if it never left,” Hyunwoo whimpered. “You numbed it by removing the memory’s. Nothing was done to relieve the pain. Seems that really is your next move,” Kihyun said as he threw his head back in despair. “I think she and Minhyuk is a thing. This couldn’t be any worse,” Hyunwoo crumbled closing his eyes. “I don’t think so, if Minhyuk was such a huge person in her life she wouldn’t have been in pain,” Kihyun said bringing Hyunwoo hope. “Wait you saying she doesn’t have feelings for him?” Hyunwoo said excited. “I’m a memory remover not a mind reader,” Kihyun scoffed as Hyunwoo huffed. “But if I had to guess, Minhyuk crushes over her, but she doesn’t feel anything because of her former lover,” he said looking Hyunwoo’s way as he frowned. “Not you the other one,” Kihyun said rolling his eyes.

Kihyun’s words mulled in Hyunwoo’s mind as he went to check on her. Relief hitting when he realised she was alone. “Sunyoung,” he called nervously. “Oh your..….. sorry I can’t seem to remember,” she said slightly distressed. “I’m a friend, a friend of yours and Minhyuk’s,” Hyunwoo exaggerated. “Oh really,” she said smiling before looking sad. “I can’t seem to remember anything, the doctors think somehow I hit my head,” she said looking down at her hands. She looked so fragile that Hyunwoo wanted to squash her with hugs. The need to feel her in his arms once more cursing through his body. “Yes you did I was there,” he said feeling guilty for manipulating her. “Hopefully it will come back soon, it will right?” she asked looking hopeful. “I’m sure it will,” he replied holding her fragile hand in his. “How close are we?” She asked looking at you with confusion. “Close friends,” Hyunwoo whispered almost slipping that she was his lover from his lips. But his lies had caused too much pain as it was in that relationship. “What can you remember?” Hyunwoo asked into the awkward silence. “Minhyuk bringing me to meet you, but I can’t remember anything after,” she said struggling as he gently squeezed her hand. “You remember Minhyuk then?” You asked as she nodded. “He’s my,” he said pausing as she looked confused. “Wait I don’t remember how I know him,” she whimpered. “It’s ok baby,” Hyunwoo choked rubbing his thumb over her hand as her long hair hit his face . The smell of her lemon shampoo hitting his nostrils. He had missed this smell of her favourite shampoo. “Do you remember your ex?” Hyunwoo asked closing his eyes. “That’s something strange I know I had a relationship I can feel it, like my memory’s locked. But I just can’t seem to see them. I’ve tried really tried,” she said looking up to him. He was sad she had not remembered their moments. But knowing that she didn’t have to think of her other ex was a blessing. The memory’s of what he witnessed flooding his own. Anger at her pain and hurt overwhelmed him. “Are you ok?” She said looking up to him with those beautiful eyes he loved so much. “Yes sorry, just in a lot of pain. I bumped my head too just I didn’t lose my memory’s,” Hyunwoo said as she smiled warmly. “I wish i could have Mine back,” she moaned. “I just remember feeling safe and secure, it’s a feeling I want back so badly,” she said leaning her head on his shoulder. The move made him smile at their close contact but at the same time feeling of anger that she would cherish her memory’s of her abuser. “There is one memory I can kind of remember,” she said as you look to her to continue. “The feeling of sand beneath my toes, crashing waves and being so in love. I see him but not his face, his crazy coloured shorts but he’s so funny I told him I loved him instead of how crazy he was,” she chuckled as Hyunwoo froze. Hyunwoo struggled to form words. She wasn’t picking her memory’s from her abuser. That was him, the first time she told him she loved him. She did hold him in her heart after all, she didn’t forget him. His heart swelled as he looked down, the chemistry buzzing between them. In that second Hyunwoo knew he needed to fight for her. It was his chance to woo her all over again.

Before Hyunwoo could speak Minhyuk walked through the door. His eyes looking confused at the close contact of them both. Hyunwoo’s sure he saw his friend fist ball, confirming to him that his feelings was more then the friendly term he made him believe. “Sunny,” he pouted as he made his way to her taking his hand from her hold. “I’ve been so worried about you?” He said as she looked at him confused. “She’s lost her memory’s remember,” Hyunwoo said looking at him for being so naive. “But you couldn’t have forgotten me right,” Minhyuk chuckled as she looked sorrowful his way. “Sunny you didn’t forget me right?” he repeated in fear pulling her free hand to his hold too. “I know theirs something or someone but my mind is just so vague. I know your Minhyuk though,” she said as he cut her off. “Baby you know it’s me right, I’m that person,” he said pouting. “Really?” She said tilting her head confused as Hyunwoo struggled to hold back a laughter at her being unsure. “How did I tell you I loved you?” She said arms folded looking suspicious. Hyunwoo copied looking his way ready to laugh when he would fail to convince her. “We was on the beach you took me there to sunbathe and mock my horrid dress sense of smugglers,” he chuckled as Hyunwoo choked. How did he know you both had met to use the story as his own. Hyunwoo was feeling anger at her being played. But then how had Minhyuk known that story. His own memory of that was erased and he had come in to his life after his memory’s had been removed.

Minhyuk had made friends with him at the local cafe he worked in. Many nights spent on his laptop researching his new talent. It was the slip of Minhyuk’s eyes that had his secret revealed to him. “Really why can’t I remember?” Sunyoung whimpered as she removed her hand from yours falling into Minhyuk. “You will do soon I’m sure it’s that fall,” he said cradling her. “What happened I can’t remember,” she said holding him that Hyunwoo closed his eyes full of jealousy. “I don’t know they said maybe there was a gas escape or something, isn’t that right Hyunwoo?” Minhyuk asked stealing his thoughts to look his friends way. Nodding he stood not bearing to see them close together any more. “You ok mate?” Minhyuk questioned concerned. “Yes just I need air,” he replied as Minhyuk raised his smile half heartedly his way.

“What’s going on?” Hyunwoo asked Kihyun, annoyed with the situation. “I don’t honestly know,” Kihyun said placing his hand on his shoulder. “Is Minhyuk playing games? That was our memory I just know it was,” Hyunwoo said in pain. “I don’t think he is, maybe something happened for your memory to be mixed up,” he said looking at him closely as if he was trying to see in to his mind. His eyes flashed to his fingers as he looked in shock. “Wait those energy rings, was you both wearing them?” Kihyun asked as Hyunwoo nodded. “He said that you gifted him them to help with energy during my sessions,” Hyunwoo said looking confused. “I did but I wonder if by Sunyoung being the girl that somehow he has some of your memory’s too? Maybe by sharing energy your sharing memories,” Kihyun said still looking at the ring. “So he is in love with her too because he has my memory’s?” Hyunwoo questioned. “That’s a big possibility,” he replied as Hyunwoo felt like screaming at how messed up the situation was. “How can I get her memory’s back?” Hyunwoo asked. “It’s really hard, very hard. Look what you’ve had to endure,” he said as Hyunwoo threw his hands down his face. “So basically me and Minhyuk have the same memory’s. We’re both in love with her and he wins her while I suffer in silence once more,” Hyunwoo cry’s out. Kihyun pats his shoulder to bring calm his way. “Look I will speak to someone who could advise me better,” Kihyun said reassuringly. “But for now go back to the hospital, spend time with her, woo her all over again,” he said pep talking his way.

Hyunwoo had done exactly that, shadowing Minhyuk and her relationship. Most the time he sat their silently just watching them. The pain of watching them together crushed him but he knew Minhyuk wasn’t to blame. But their was moments when it was just them two and every second between them both was peaceful. Every smile she made his way was what kept him from losing his mind. So when Hyunwoo got the call that Kihyun was home he rush to him.

“I have to do what?” Hyunwoo scoffed. “Look I know it’s hard but you never really wanted them anyway,” Kihyun said rolling his eyes. “Not that I couldn’t care less if i lost that ability. I didn’t even want it in the first place,” Hyunwoo scoffed. “About the kiss?” He whispered blushing. “True love’s kiss, how very Disney right,” Kihyun scoffed as Hyunwoo deadpanned his way. “True love breaks your curse,” Kihyun chuckled. “Do you really think this is funny?” Hyunwoo said sounding annoyed. “No I don’t sorry,” Kihyun apologised. “She’s in love with Minhyuk how can I have a true loves kiss when she’s in love with someone else,” Hyunwoo moaned throwing himself into the awaiting chair. “Hyunwoo, her heart knows it’s you,” Kihyun said reassuringly. “And if it isn’t?” Hyunwoo said looking vulnerable. “What other option is available?” He said as Hyunwoo closed his eyes throwing his head back knowing he was right. “Right I’m ready to lose my powers,” Hyunwoo said standing as he pulled at his tie he was wearing. “That happens when you kiss her,” Kihyun said as he looked up at him. “Everything will be back how it was, you two in love, right now one has forgotten,” Kihyun said as Hyunwoo tilted his head. “Oh how easy this is going to be,” Hyunwoo replied sarcastically.

“You can have what ever you want,” Hyunwoo said smiling his way at Sunyoung. “You know I have a boyfriend, this won’t look good,” she says smiling pretending to be concerned. Like she can feel the pull from her stolen memories, she enjoys spending time with Hyunwoo. Not even being scared to hold his hand and let him hold her when she is sad, even though they both know it is wrong. “Then why accept lunch,” Hyunwoo smirks as she chuckles knowing she’s been caught. “I enjoy your company,” she said fluttering her eye lashes. “Doesn’t that tell you something?” Hyunwoo said more forward then usual. “Woah, confident Hyunwoo’s arrived,” she chuckled noticing it too. “Seriously though, I don’t know what this is, I know we shouldn’t be doing this but I can’t stop,” she said breathing in deeply that Hyunwoo felt guilty. “It’s what ever it needs to be,” he said half heartedly. He knew that what they was doing was unfair to his friend. The memory’s in Minhyuk’s mind might be wrong, but they to him felt right. “I should be running right now,” she grumbles. “Well you better start before the heat gets unbearable,” Hyunwoo teased. “Are you flirting with your life Son Hyunwoo,” She chuckled as he nodded. “Something like that,” he said as the waiter came to take their order. Your hands taking her you smiled when she didn’t remove them as she read the order out. Just as you was about to give yours her phone rang. Minhyuk’s name flashing as they both looked at each other, guilt eating them both. “You better answer that,” Hyunwoo said losing his confidence in that sharp second. Minhyuk had asked her where she was. Flirting blurring the friendship line for something she couldn’t explain was one thing. Lying to her boyfriend was another. It wasn’t long before awkward long silence hit when Minhyuk arrived sliding beside her. The most passionate kiss between them that felt like a warning Hyunwoo’s way.

Hyunwoo had given up hope losing all his confidence as the pain of there relationship ate away at him. He had even started avoiding them both, locking himself away as he felt the pain of his loss return. Reaching for the whisky bottle he sunk his last glass as his mind swirled in drunken pain. Sunyoung’s name on his phone calling him did little to break his despair. Flipping the phone over so he didn’t have to witness another love sick call he closed his eyes.

As soon as sleep fell he was woken to the door knocking. Finding Sunyoung standing their soaking wet shivering broke his heart. “What’s up? what’s happened?” Hyunwoo said thankful that his words wasn’t slurred. “He’s left me,” she cried as pain engulfed him from her heartbreak. “What do you mean?” Hyunwoo said confused as he pulled her wet body into him. “He’s left me, he said he’s seeing someone else,” she whimpered as he closed his eyes. “Why does every person I date leave me for someone else,” she cried as his heart broke. Minhyuk had followed the same path then him. He wanted to fight him for breaking her heart, but he had no right when he made her believe he had done the same. “I thought you couldn’t remember your previous lovers?” Hyunwoo questioned her hoping some memory of him was stirring. Even if it was the negative one it was still a memory that could unlock her emotions. “It was odd, it was like déjà vu. I wish I could explain it,” she said snuggling into him. “I understand I think,” Hyunwoo said with mixed emotions. His hands played with her hair as he realised she needed to get out the wet clothes. “Let’s get you dried up,” he said going to his room. Returning he placed the towel and his spare clothes her way. “Bathroom down the corridor,” he said as she made her way down. Dialling on the phone he waited with baited breath for Minhyuk to answer but he didn’t. The urge to punch him was overwhelming. “There is no point ringing him, he left his phone behind,” Sunyoung said behind him as he looked confused her way. “He left it on the bed when he left me,” she said looking tearful again. Hyunwoo heart stung he had done exactly the same, it was like Minhyuk was re-enacting there split. “You wasn’t on the phone to a new job was you by any chance?” Hyunwoo asked awkwardly as she raised an eyebrow. “No,” she scoffed sounding insulted. “Sorry it was just, yeah don’t worry about it,” Hyunwoo said smiling his way at her. “I’m sure he will come to his senses,” Hyunwoo said opening his arms once more that she happily snuggled into. “I noticed you use the same shampoo,” she chuckled as he mirrored letting her head vibrate on his chest from the sound. “Yeah it’s a smell that I’ve come to like,” he confessed knowing the scent was his favourite thing of hers. “Minhyuk buys it all the time,” she chuckled as Hyunwoo rolled his eyes. Sharing memories was really becoming frustrating.

“Do you want a drink?” Hyunwoo said changing the subject. “Do you have any left?” She chuckled as he clicked his tongue. “I’ve always got good drinks,” he smirked as she chuckled holding him tighter. “I take that as a no?” He said pulling him around her tighter as the connection between them both felt safe and secure. “Just don’t leave me,” she whimpered as if she couldn’t keep her emotions in check. The pain in her voice told you she was struggling with emotions her memory couldn’t help. Feeling the sudden urge to push for them to be returned he placed his finger under her chin. Crashing his lips to her softly he kissed her. Her own moving slowly and passionately as her fingers grabbed to the back of his T-shirt. Hyunwoo felt as if his heart was going to combust. This was it, time to get her memory’s back, get her by his side forever and having his happy ever after, even if he lost his ability to remove memories.

Guilt wasn’t something this time Kihyun had, Hyunwoo had crossed the line when he abused Hyungwon’s mind. It made him angry and the plan set beneath him was perfect. Excitement filled him with the chance to mess with his mind and heart. He could hear footsteps coming his way and he couldn’t wait to fill in the details of Hyunwoo’s final pain. When he would realise that the kiss would do nothing, he knew his pain would engulf him once more.

“I can feel it, the confusion it’s exciting. We finally got our revenge,” Kihyun says out to his visitor who finally arrived. “What happens to her?” The voice said concerned. “I will wipe her memory’s before the confusion haunts her. She will never know she was just someone who held your memory’s,” Kihyun said turning to face the guilt ridden expression befalling him. “Trust me she won’t know, she won’t remember. He will though he will suffer for leaving you all those years back,” Kihyun said reassuringly. “I trust you,” he said not sorrowfully. “Deal is a deal I suppose, let’s remove your memory’s of him finally,” Kihyun said pouring the frankincense into a bowl. “Will it hurt like the other time,” he replied worrying. “No that was just because your memory’s was flowing between you three,” Kihyun smiled as Minhyuk took his seat. Ready to finally let go of every memory of the lover who left him behind.

To be continued ……..

Masterlist

#kpop smut #kpopidol #fiction #monsta x smut #son hyunwoo smut #lee minhyuk smut #chae hyungwon #yoo kihyun #lee hoseok #lee jooheon #im changkyun

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justlittlekatherinethings · 2 years

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(this isn’t on main bc i don’t have readmores on this mobile version of tumblr. if i can edit one in i will.) cw mental health talk & some negative self talk. and religion woes. and pandemic mention. and cancer mention. wow we are filling up the cw bingo card.

not to blog on a blogging site but the jumble of emotions rn is making me go berserk. i hate being trapped here. the natural environment where i’m at is so beautiful and calming and healing but it gets usurped by the Im gonna Die In Here vibes emanating from my parents (read: mom).

she yelled at me today because my cat was having zoomies and burst open a door upstairs that caused a loud bang and woke her up. i was on a call so i didn’t see her angry texts and apparently that set her off and she stormed upstairs to blame me for the noise. when i said it was Jasper she just got frustrated and said the meanest thing she could think of, which was ofc that I need to get a real job.

i’m sorry im not fucking hireable and still under your roof like i don’t know what to do :( i keep applying for jobs and getting denied or passed over and it’s like. you don’t think that’s frustrating for me?? is it because i don’t show it (bc you taught me how to suppress emotions to keep them safe from you?!!!) like i’m. aough.

sincerely last month i could feel the kms ache creeping back (i have normal depression but in extreme duress the pre-ideation sneaks in again) due to being stressed and the insurmountable hopelessness of it all. i’ve been equal parts guilty and frustrated with myself as well as with the state of things. had a breakdown bc it’s my birthday in a few days and for the first time ever i’ve felt this Dread with it coming. it was like at this year milestone i was supposed to have been out, on my own, doing well and thriving, but like i’m just. here. i don’t want to spend it with my family i just want to curl up alone or drown you know cixhxbdkdks ugh.

those are side tangents. the interaction was so laughably funny like bc i Happened to be awake when the crash happened means I’m failing at getting a real job? like at its core I cant help but laugh bc wtf. but you know in the aftermath i’m just shaking bc it’s so evil and gets exactly at my insecurities and guilt and inherent worthlessness and then it makes me Angry for myself that someone would dare use those to hurt me like that.

it’s such a tangled mess of things. i’ve been scared of being kicked out since i was a kid and realizing i wasn’t religious, i was gay, and that i wouldn’t have any financial support necessary to live if they got tired of me (in that order). they get pissed at me for not spending time with them, but don’t want to see or hear me or think about me unless it’s on their terms. like i’m a doll. or a hermit crab. or yup a houseplant. they don’t support my art and never have (unless it’s making what they deem to be acceptable amounts of money). they don’t think any of my interests are cool or fulfilling even if they are for me. the only thing i do for them is the bare minimum of chores and mail their letters. i’m a blight to their perfect successful family and an embarrassment when people ask about me. But Also I can’t go get a normal retail job or like leave the house to do Anything (unless it’s an errand for them) because what if I get exposed while i need to take care of my Very Paranoid and undergoing cancer treatment & surgery Grandma. that would be so unfair to her :((((( So like which is it.

i just hate living in this toxic environment and want out so badly but have been failing and keep failing at getting a job since i graduated. it translates to all this self hate and frustration because i like, should have Just Done Better or majored in something useful or i dont know not been such a depressed and anxious fuck up.

I know that isn’t being fair to myself or my mental illnesses or the State Of Things and The State of Things 2: Global Pandemic. But maybe if i had less morals in their eyes I could have been rich off of bitcoin making my own tech start up and restructuring the UN from the inside-out…and not a pest animal living in their attic who creeps downstairs to get food and disappears.

I know it’s going to Suck tomorrow and I don’t want to go to sleep and/or wake up and deal with it. I have half a mind to think I’m gonna be woken up at 7 with ice water to the face like I’m a kid again and it’s Time For Church.

Closing thought thesis i guess is that i’m just frustrated and angry and scared.

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klixxy · 3 years

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Genshin Fic Recs

so... i ventured into the vast world of Google looking for some good GI fic recs... only to find such a pitiful amount that i was promptly devastated. therefore, the solution is to make my own! :D

keep in mind most of these will be ChiLi or XingYun, and yes, i will try not to include smut unless it was one i really really liked. if anyone wants a separate list for just smut (though that will most likely be shorter) i can try to make one later.`

ft. my bookmark comments :)

CHILI

wrapped up in pure gold by beyondwinter

(chili; accidental marriage; chili/childe-centric; 22k words; ongoing)

"Do you understand its meaning, Childe?" He finally asks. There's a hard glint in his eyes, like he's trying to steel himself for his answer.

"Yeah." Loyalty and devotion, right? Between business partners? "I do. It's traditional, isn't it?"

Zhongli's eyes glow a warm amber in the near darkness, reflecting the soft shine of the lanterns. He studies his face with a strange intensity, as though Childe were a piece of high quality Nocticulous Jade being sold for suspiciously small sum and he's trying to find the blemishes that would explain the price. The weight of his gaze should be uncomfortable, boring into him like he can see into the very depths of his abyss-tainted soul, but Childe finds himself preening under the attention instead.

Childe accidentally proposes to Zhongli. Zhongli accepts.

The World is Water by Millereflets

(chili; smut; hurt/comfort; chili-centric; 7k words; oneshot)

Childe doesn't visit Zhongli until it's almost too late.

(my bookmarks: HOW DO YOU MAKE A SMUT SCENE SO POETIC HOLY SHITTTTT)

Set in Stone by seredemia

(chili; fake dating au; angst; some smut?; chili/chiilde-centric; 55k words; ongoing)

What do you do when you write about a certain six thousand year old consultant so much in your letters that it somehow convinces your entire family you're not only dating each other, but that you're also engaged?

In Childe's case, the answer is plain and simple: he goes along with it, of course. Absolutely nothing can go wrong if he makes a contract with the God of Contracts, vowing that the two of them will pretend to be lovers for the duration of his family's stay in Liyue. Afterwards, they'll return as normal and speak no more of this mess. No feelings or complications involved whatsoever.

Contract accepted. A fool-proof plan set in stone. Right?

Private Ledger of the Eleventh Harbinger by JuHuaTai

(chili; humor; getting together; chili/ekaterina-centric; 5k words; oneshot)

“So guess what I did next?”

Ekaterina contemplated not answering, but Harbinger Tartaglia was just… grinning and waiting. It’s honestly rather creepy the longer time passed.

In the end, she gave a long suffering sigh that seems lost on him, “You bought him the Erhu—“

“I bought him the antique, cor lapis based Erhu,”

When she first left her homeland for the unknown nation of Liyue, Ekaterina was ready to be many things: To be a soldier, to fell Tsaritsa’s enemies in her name, to bring glory to Snezhnaya and her leader.

Being a receptionist in a cozy bank wasn’t so bad in comparison, but she absolutely can do without the front row seat to Harbinger Tartaglia’s (expensive) love life.

i know i'm where i'm meant to go by paperclips (pastel_paperclips)

(chili; humor; fluff; chili-centric; 12k words; ongoing)

"Childe," Zhongli says suddenly. "I am enjoying myself greatly." Childe’s face breaks into a grin. "Then-" Zhongli gasps, grabbing his wrist and tugging him over to an unsuspecting peddler with a cart full of rocks. "Is that an intrusive igneous pegmatite formed in the Inazuma regions?" Childe’s grin smooths into a small, adoring smile. He has all the time in the world to figure the other man out.

OR: Finding the Geo Archon is on Childe's to-do list but hanging out with Zhongli is significantly more fun.

CHILIVEN

Crumbling Stone by avtorSola

(chiliven; ANGST; PAIN; mind control; zhongli-centric; 74k words; ongoing)

When Morax unleashes his plan to test the Liyue Qixing and his adepti, he does not take into account the stirring of the Abyss Order in the north and the corruption of Dvalin - for why would he fear an organization that works in such shadows? He is secure in his power, after all, unlike his flighty ex, the absentee archon of Mondstadt who rises only when his people are in danger.

But, somehow, the Abyss Order discovers his plan. Somehow, they capitalize on it. And he, the God of Stone who cannot sicken, is struck down - taken by an order bent on destroying all of humanity as Liyue crumbles around him. For even Archons aren't immune to Durin's blood, and Morax is no exception. But then the question becomes - if even Archons may fall to the agony of this corrupting burn - how is their traveling friend Aether immune?

The answer comes from beyond the stars - an ancient malice that knows no kindness or mercy. A malice whose legacy the Abyss Order now bears, seeking to topple all the Archons and their people into the void of utter destruction. And they have begun in Liyue.

Fortunately, it takes a long time to erode stone.

(my bookmarks: IM SCREAMING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

PLATONIC ZHONGVEN

left-behind city by trixstar

(platonic zhongven; angst; ANGST; venti-centric; 1k words; oneshot)

"An associate of mine has just informed me that Rex Lapis, the Geo Archon has been assassinated."

Venti blinks.

Or: Venti and how he copes with finding out he is all that remains.

i circle ten thousand years long; and i still do not know if i am a falcon, a storm, or an unfinished song by birdsofpassage

(platonic zhongven; angst; hurt/comfort; zhongven-centric; 4k words; oneshot)

Venti and Zhongli, and the vignettes of a much-needed vacation around Mondstadt.

(my bookmarks: ; - ; ; - ; )

oh ye with little faith by air_fried_air

(platonic zhongven; angst; hurt/comfort; zhongven-centric; 2k words; oneshot)

Two former archons do a little tour around Mondstadt.

(my bookmarks: why are all genshin angst fics so melancholy.... i feel so empty)

the wind through the mountain tops by glassdrachma

(platonic zhongven; humor; hurt/comfort; zhongven-centric; 21k words; finished)

Boredom brings Barbatos of Mondstadt to bother a certain ex-Archon of the Earth.

(my bookmarks: venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship venti zhongli friendship-)

XINGYUN

the art of exorcism by Agried

(xingyun; ghost au; hurt/comfort; chongyun-centric; 9k words; oneshot)

On the road back from one of his jobs, Chongyun runs into Xingqiu, the wandering swordsman. And then they keep meeting, over and over again. or, alternately; how a ghost and an exorcist learn how to love, one step at a time.

Bane of All Evil by tzitzimeme

(xingyun; humor; romance; chongyun-centric; 24k words; hiatus)

When Chongyun unintentionally offends Liyue's second most powerful adepti, he vows to mend the thorny relationship between Adeptus Xiao and human exorcists-- even though no one has succeeded in currying Xiao's favor for over a thousand years.

His best friend Xingqiu offers to come alone, mainly because he's worried about what kind of trouble Chongyun will run into. Along the way, they receive help from others: Xiangling packs them meals for their journeys, while Zhongli gives them advice on what demons to track.

Childe is just there because he thinks the whole thing is hilarious.

[On indefinite hiatus due to burnout; sorry!]

kiss me slowly (so i don't forget) by xiwangmu

(xingyun; humor; romance; light angst; xingqiu-centric; 8k words; oneshot)

Wangshu Inn Bulletin Board

Guest Message: My best friend whom I harbor affections for kissed me last night, but due to his special condition he does not recall a single moment of it. I am quite conflicted about whether to disclose these events to him or not, because that would most certainly require me to confess my feelings as well. If anyone has experience in romancing boys with excessive positive energy, this one humbly asks you to share some advice.

Reply: Our greatest apologies—although we would like to offer some words in response, we simply cannot decipher your handwriting. Perhaps you may return with a neater message next time?

time trials by idlestars

(xingyun/many ships; humor; modern au; xingyun-centric; 2k words; oneshot)

A modern social media AU.

Xingqiu Teases Demons. Chongyun Almost Cries. [The clip shows Xingqiu, lit by the sickly green of night vision, as he stares bored into a dark room. He’s alone - Chongyun left to see if Xingqiu could lure out the ghosts. Xingqiu glances at the camera, smirks, and then opens his mouth.

“Hey demons, it’s me, yah boy.”]

OTHER/GEN

woe be the wallet of the god of wealth by glassdrachma

(gen; humor; identity reveal; keqing/zhongli-centric; 12k words; finished)

Or, the story of how the Yuheng of the Qixing came to idolize, befriend, and discover the identity of the God of Geo, in that order.

(personal comments: hilarious, made me burst out into laughter multiple times, and was just a masterful piece of writing)

to dream of dust by miao_x

(guili/gen; ANGST; hurt/no comfort; zhongli-centric; 5k words; oneshot)

Some nights, Zhongli dreams.

He dreams of soft light, golden song, and a gentle breeze whispering tales of millennia past. It is warm, familiar, and comforting.

It feels like home.

And then he opens his eyes, and awakes to reality.

(my bookmarks: oh zhongli... made me cry)

To drown in your own tears by C_rin_nyan

(guili/gen; ANGST; TEARS; PAIN; zhongli-centric; 2k words; oneshot)

As Rex Lapis, he had never shed a tear, even as he slaughtered hundreds, destruction following his every step. As Zhongli, he had shed much more than he would like to admit, however.

Or, “Zhongli’s soul gave its last scream long ago, yet even now, the echo of said sound was still strong enough to reach Rex Lapis.”

#fic rec #fic recs #fanfic #fanfic recs #genshin #genshin impact #ao3 #chili #tartali #zhongchi #xingyun #childe #zhongli #xingqiu #chongyun #venti #zhongven #guili #guizhong #angst

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analisam05 · 3 years

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My fairy tales as a teenage girl

Fairy tales, we all want them right?

The perfect relationship with our parents, our siblings and god... I'll be damned if I want the perfect partner. What stinks is that the world we're fed while we are young raises us to believe that there are only relationships like this in the world. I wanted the perfect boy friend and the perfect older sister and the perfect little suburban family of four. Instead I got two parents who care about me to the ends of the earth, a rocky but pretty cool relationship with my sister and the worst luck with boys possible. I got the olive skin, pale emerald eyes and curls that make me look "exotic". Now I'm not complaining but it surprises people when something smart floats out from my mouth. Maybe it's the fact that I am a tiny latina or I'm too "pretty" to have any interests that aren't boys. However that's not why im sitting here writing this, me being underestimated by the universe is another story.

I want the perfect partner. I crave affection from someone other than my family, I want someone to sit and read with me all day and enjoy our shared silence. I want someone to go shopping with so that they can convince me to buy outfits that I'm not confident in. Someone to sit and let me make playlists for them. A person who's willing to sit and listen as I go off on a silly little tangent mid conversation and when I ask them what they're looking at they simply say "you" with a mischievous smirk their face. Someone to go on long walks with me and motivate me when I can't motivate myself. I long for a person to care for me. Yet because of my history I'm scared of having that and getting hurt. I am reminded constantly that life is not a fairy tale and as a self- defense mechanism I self sabotage.

I can go on and on about how I feel paroxysms of emotions but that doesn't change that the world is cruel. I know someone who is currently concerned about their pregnant girlfriend and I am one of the few people they have confided in. I know someone who turns to unhealthy vices when they aren't okay. I know someone who is scared of coming out because their parents are homophobic. Now since none of these are me I don't feel the weight of their problems and I'm not trying to use them to make me feel better about myself but the world is not filled with fairy tales.

The goodness of the world depends on those that are kind-hearted. Sadly my teenage woes consist of being hurt by a guy who could care less about my existence and a broken relationship with one of my closest friends that he sabotaged. She is a fairy tale friend and he was a fairy tale villain. I now cannot sleep, I feel guilty for eating all of those sweets earlier today and don't like myself all too much.

This isn't meant to be a sob story but rather a letter to the rest of the lost teenage girls out there. You aren't alone. As sad as it sounds not everyone is experiencing the fairy tale life that you think they are. Life is a huge whirlwind of a mess and I feel like adults forget how hard it is to be a girl around the ages of 14-18 because everything feels like it's signaling the end of our worlds.

My point is that life will always be in how we see things. If you choose to have a negative outlook on everything thats exactly how you are going to feel. Look for a silver lining within everything no matter how small because thats what truly matters. - Sincerely your utmost average teenage girl.

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starlight-writes-stuff · 3 years

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hey! i sent in the ask for the party fic with ethan (which was so good holy shit) and i was hoping you could do the SFW alphabet for him? can I be ⚙️ anon, as well? (get it?)

⚙️anon (thats so clever ily for it) , welcome !! im sorry this took me forever , but here’s your sfw alphabet - this came so easy to me i spend too much time consuming ethan content - anyway ! i really hope you enjoy this ((: reblogs are always appreciated <3

AYO LOOK AT THESE : soft , fluffy ethan content , no tws ! also , yall rockin with the new blog theme ⁉️

a = affection (how affectionate are they? how do they show affection?)

ethan is incredibly affectionate in all senses of the word- big gestures, small moments, and everything in between. he brings you flowers or food quite often, just something small to show you that you were on his mind while he was out and about. you two would have a designated date night once a week where he’d clear his schedule to spend quality time with you; either taking you out to dinner or cooking and watching movies at home with spencer. also, ethan would definitely go out of his way to do little things around the house to help you out - washing the dishes, vacuuming, folding the laundry. however, ethan wouldn’t shy away from larger gestures of affection, either: he’d take you on surprise vacations or road trips for holidays or anniversaries.

b = best friend (what would they be like as a best friend? how would the friendship start?)

being ethan’s best friend would be so much fun. he’s definitely the kind of guy that would send you a text when he was 10 minutes away from your house because he was bored and wanted to go do something together. you’d never be bored around ethan- he can talk for hours, and would 100% know how to make you laugh, even if the two of you were just chilling on the couch. a friendship with ethan would be filled with adventures; concerts, midnight snack runs, campouts in the backyard and lots of fun with spencer.

c = cuddles (do they like to cuddle? how would they cuddle?)

yes, 100%. thinking back to unus annus, ethan was a vvv touchy guy with mark, and i think that would only be amplified with his significant other- touch is one of his love languages, for sure. he’d be the type to always have some soft of physical connection; a hand on your thigh while he drives, mindlessly drawing patterns over your skin while your working, aways holding your hand in public type beat. if ethan wasn’t getting your attention when he wanted it he, would not hesitate to pick you up over his shoulder and carry you to the closest soft surface before plopping you down and wrapping you in his arms. i think he’s probably a fan of having you laying on your side, facing him so that he can hold you, but still see your face/ talk to you. he’d also love laying on your chest because he’s such a boob guy but that’s a conversation for another time ,,,,,

d = domestic (do they want to settle down? how are they at cooking and cleaning?)

i think that if you and ethan were committed and had been dating for a while than he would absolutely want to settle down- but i feel like dating ethan would also include being around each other all the time (constant sleepovers while you aren't living together) so it wouldn’t be that drastic of a change. while he was living on his own, though, ethan obviously had to take care of himself, so he taught himself to cook and clean and do general, domestic tasks. i think he’d be a really good partner when it came to things around the house like that; ethan would always do his fair share and would pick up anything that you needed him to.

e = ending (if they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

ethan just comes off as a very feeling, sensitive person (his brand is literally soft boy what do u expect), so i think breakups would be really hard for him. he wouldnt break up with his s/o until he was 10000000% positive that it as the right choice, and had thought through it multiple times. even then, it would rip his heart out to end things- he wouldn’t be afraid to show his emotions. ethan would definitely break up with whoever he was dating in person- he knows that he owes them that.

f = fiance(e) (how do they feel about commitment? how quick would they want to get married?)

okay, this one is up in the air for me. i definitely feel like ethan would settle down with his person and be completely loyal to them- thats a no brainer. i just don’t know how he feels about marriage? i feel like ethan wants a life partner, i just dont know if he would marry them. (this could 1792049384% be my personal bias peeking through because i think marriage is fkn weird, but for some reason i think he would too ????? maybe thats just me)

g = gentle (how gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

ethan is just ,,,,, soft hearted, dude. he’s just gentle in general. i think emotionally he’s a total teddybear, and he feels all his emotions incredibly deep- he rules with his heart, for sure. he wants to make sure that everyone around him is happy, and if they arent, it would affect him more than he’d like to admit. physically, ethan can vary- like i said, he’s always touching you in some way, but i think he’d be down for getting a little rougher in bed when you guys want to.

h = hugs (do they like hugs? how often do they do it? what are their hugs like?)

ethan is an envelope-the-whole-ass-person kinda hugger, hug-with-your-whole-body type deal. if you look at pictures from unus annus, even old old pictures from the tour he did w/ mark, ethan is always completely wrapped around someone, hugging them with everything in him. i think if his s/o was shorter, he’d love to stack his head on top of theirs, and if y’all were around the same height, he’d bury his face in your neck. he’s very huggy- when you’re out and about, he’s always hugging you from behind, pulling your body closer to his. i also think ethan would love koala hugs, where he was sitting and his s/o wraps their arms and legs around him- he’d sit like that forever, rubbing up and down your back.

i = i love you (how fast do they say the l-word?)

hhhhhhhhhh don't clock me for this one, yall- if ethan was feeling some type of way, he would tell you. i don't think the length of the relationship would matter as much to him as the intensity and depth of his feelings; if ethan really truly loved you and wanted to say it, he would. he’d definitely preface it with the fact that you didn’t have to say it back, that he just wanted to get it on the table and out of his head.

j = jealousy (how jealous do they get? what do they do when they’re jealous?)

ethan would be very secure in his relationships, and i think it would take a lot to get him jealous. however, when he was,,,,,,,, it wouldnt be pretty. like, at all. if it was a situation where someone was hitting on his s/o, he wouldn’t step in until you’d already tried to get them to leave you alone- not because he didn’t want to, but because he knew that if he did, it would get ugly. when he did step in, he’d start by saying something (not kindly worded, but to the point), and if that didn’t work i don’t think ethan would be above getting physical- he’s extremely protective of you.

k = kisses (what are their kisses like? where do they like to kiss you? where do they like to be kissed?)

I THINK ABOUT THIS A LOT AND I HAVE SO MANY THINGS I'D LIKE TO SAY SO THIS ONE’S GOIN IN BULLET POINTS , GANG

okay- ethan loves to kiss you. he just loves kisses- they feel so personal and intimate to him, and he kisses you all the time, everywhere

he’ll dip you and kiss you in the middle of the grocery store aisles, he dgaf

but i think his favorite spots for kissing you would be your forehead, your lips (duh), collarbones/shoulders, down your spine and on your inner thighs hngggggg

but it goes vice versa too

ethan wants ALL your kisses . all of them , everywhere

He’s such a sucker for you kissing his neck and you cant talk me out of that (:

l = little ones (how are they around children?)

cute. literally so cute. i think that ethan would love other people’s kids, but definitely doesn’t want any of his own- at least, not right now. however, with other people’s babies he is S O F T; he loves to hold them, and would absolutely offer to try and calm a crying baby down, rocking them and singing soft lullabies to calm their woes. i also think that he would LOVE toddler aged kiddos- like 3-6. he’d be cool uncle ethan, playing catch with them, taking them to the park, finding games to play and always letting them win. he’d totally try to teach them how to ride their bike, or how to do a cartwheel, or how to jump off the swings for maximum height. ethan would totally bring them a fun lunch at school or sneak the kid’s favorite candy over to them and eat it together in a secret spot.

m = morning (how are mornings spent with them?)

mornings with ethan would be slow and lazy and filled with golden light filtering in through the blinds. if he woke up first, ethan would be as soft as humanly possible in order not to wake you up & would sneak downstairs to make coffee and start breakfast for the two of you, sometimes bringing it up to surprise you with breakfast in bed. the two of you would spend an hour (at minimum) in bed together, waking up and peppering each other with soft pecks all over. i think ethan would be extra soft™ in the mornings- he’d be super cuddly and affectionate.

n = night (how are nights spent with them?)

nights spent with ethan would always hold a sort of unexplainable magic- there’s something about the thought of falling asleep next to him thats just so… comforting? he’d be so warm and easy to fall asleep with, all soft and hazy and gentle; he’d fall asleep holding you as big spoon, but when y’all woke up he’d be wrapped in your arms, laying on your chest. also, if you were having a hard time falling asleep, ethan would stay up with you, talking through whatever was on your mind even if he was barely able to keep his eyes open.

o = open (when would they start revealing things about themselves? do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

i think that ethan would open up more and more as the relationship progresses, going along with the natural advancement of things unless something happened that made it crucial for him to open up; if that did happen, though, you wouldn’t have to pry anything out of him. ethan is a pretty honest, open person and wants to be transparent with you always- trust is something that he values above all else and he wants to remain very truthful with you.

p = patience (how easily angered are they?)

ethan is incredibly patient and understanding- it would take a lot to truly upset him. sure, the two of you would get into little tiffs here and there about stupid things, but the small arguments would be resolved within the hour with lots of hugs and kisses and soft “im sorry”s. however, if yall managed to get into a big argument, i think it would take ethan a bit to calm down and he would want to put some space between you two while he did- not to anger you any further, but to make sure that he didn’t say anything he didn't mean. ethan has a bit of a temper while he’s angry, and he wouldn’t want to say anything just to hurt you out of anger. after he cooled off he would come back and be willing to re-examine whatever had caused the issue with fresh eyes.

q = quizzes (how much would they remember about you? do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

if you’ve watched ethan ever, you know that the sweet bby doesn’t remember shit (cue the instagram live thats purpose was to help him remember a word)- but listen. i think that ethan would go out of his way to hold on to little pieces of information about his s/o, and would put so much effort into trying to remember little details. he’d store them in his brain (things like your favorite flower, the brand of chocolate you like best, etc) and reference them when he needed.

r = remember (what is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

a couple moments would stick out to ethan - when y’all first met being his favorite. he’d remember every detail of the moment he was first introduced to you; what you were wearing, where you were, what y’all had been doing that night. it was something that he though about a lot, actually- he loved to reflect on the way you’d blushed as he’d introduced himself, how you’d hugged him at the end of the night.

s = security (how protective are they? how would they protect you? how would they like to be protected?)

ethan isn't possessive, but he is incredibly protective of you. he secretly hates whenever someone flirts with you, even if it’s strictly platonic- you're his s/o, and he doesn't want anyone thinking any different. like i said earlier (reference letter j), ethan wouldn’t be afraid to step in and put someone in their place of they were getting a little too friendly. he likes when you’re protective of him as well, even if its something very subtle to show that he’s spoken for, such as calling him a nickname or dropping a kiss on his cheek.

t = try (how much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

romantic ethan my belOVED- he would try so hard. ethan would plan surprises for you for weeks before they would unfold, even roping your family and friends into his schemes. He’d be so creative with date ideas too; picnics, art classes, different seasonal excursions around california. For bigger occasions like anniversaries, holidays, birthdays and all that, ethan wouldn’t hesitate to go bigger- i definitely think he would take you traveling. he wants to see the world with his love :,)

u = ugly (what would be some bad habits of theirs?)

ethan bites his nails, which is why he’d had you paint them- he’s trying to break the habit

he’s a very sweary human, but so are you; the only issue is he has no filter and accidentally swears in front of kids all the time lmao

v = vanity (how concerned are they with their looks?)

eh. ethan is more particular about certain aspects of his appearance over others, but he’s generally well put together. he likes for his hair to look good, though- that’s the one thing that he’s picky about.

w = whole (would they feel incomplete without you?)

ethan is his own person and is able to function on his own, but the two of you have developed a sense of codependency with each other, like any couple does. he can’t see his life without you at all anymore, and would much rather have you around than not. the two of you have fallen into a flow together- you and him against the world. life is much easier when you have another person on your team, and he’s honored that he gets to play that role for you.

x = xtra (a random headcanon for them.)

(this may or may not be a lil hint to a fic i'm working on shshhshshhhhhhhh)

on the night unus annus ended, ethan was a wreck - rightfully so

he had a bit of an existential crisis , and started to spiral a bit

you were worried about him , and knew that he would just continue to get into his own head

so you got him out of bed

and took him on a v special date

thats all for now ;)

y = yuck (what are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

ethan wouldn't like smoking (nicotine), and if that was a habit that you were willing to budge on, he would really try to help you break it.

overall, ethan is a very considerate and kind person, so someone that was rude or had a sense of entitlement just wouldn’t fit well with him.

z = zzz (what is a sleep habits of theirs?)

ethan can’t fall asleep without background noise. his brain gets too loud when he’s just in bed in complete silence, for better or for worse; sometimes this leads to great video ideas or new concepts for the channel, but other times it just lead to him overthinking his life. when it was that kind of night, ethan would fall asleep to soft music or one of those white noise apps- then he became dependent on it to be able to fall asleep. something about filler noise managed to calm him right down and lull him to sleep, and he pays $5 a month for the premium version of his favorite white noise app.

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sn0tcl0wn · 3 years

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is it just me or is it really unfair how tumblr created this culture where the only way i can ask for donations is if i list all the ways im a minority, disabled, and abused first? like i shouldn't have to disclose that personal information up front to get empathy and assistance from people when i'm in need. the thought of listing my race, sexuality, gender, disabilities, and mention personal family drama when none of that is really even that relevant to the fact that i'm simply poor and in need. i could be white, cishet, come from an alright family situation, and completely abled and still be on the brink of homelessness and still be in need of help.

like it makes me legitimately uncomfortable how people list out their personal shit when all anyone needs to say is "my situation is very rough and my job can't pay to make ends meet/i can't get a job. please help if you can." it just feels exploitative to me how people are expected to list every single thing that makes things harder for people to help, especially when almost all of those things have been proven as extremely easy to lie about online.

it's hard enough for a lot of people to ask for help at all let alone ask in such a self depreciating, groveling manner. it's fucking humiliating trying to write out donation posts that are like that and i literally cant. i have one donation post that gained no traction and i feel it's partially if not mostly because i didn't do the whole oppression role call intro or share deeply personal information about my difficult homelife. that's not fucking fair at all. why should i make myself feel even worse than i already do to make it so people give a shit? like i really dont share too many donation posts solely because they're worded like that and it makes me uncomfortable as someone in a similar situation because it really does feel like they're just saying that as incentive to get people to help them in a "woe is me for i am oppressed by society" kinda way.

and i know that isn't the intent most of the time but do y'all even read the posts you write and understand how gross and honestly dangerous it is to go online and list all of your personal struggles in one massive post just for a few bucks? do you know how many predatory people that will attract? do you ever think of how that behavior will lessen the importance of donation posts for people not in your situation or simply unwilling to disclose that kind of information to the majority of people on this site? like literally i do not need to say any of that when the point of the matter is that i'm in a rough patch and need help so why is it expected of me? are you really helping because you're a good person or are you helping so you feel like a good person?

it's just really gross to me how the only way i can ask for help is by saying "i'm a mixed black/latinx, bisexual, nonbinary, autistic, adhd person who suffers from bpd, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, and my family hates me and does these horrible things to me blah blah blah *three paragraphs of my personal life later* my job doesn't pay enough and i don't want to live with my parents anymore at age 25 but i also dont want to be homeless" when deadass all that's needed is that one last sentence. like im open about all of that on my blog and even simply typing that for a hypothetical donation post was dehumanizing as fuck. like just help people to help them ffs.

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c-optimistic · 4 years

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Hi C-Optimistic, Anon here to help you out of your angst woes. 😔 As for a prompt idea, how about this: Post 100th episode, Lena says f**k this s**t im out and f**ks off to Ireland. Just leave National City and all the drama, finds a quite cottage in the countryside, and get her head on straight (Lena POV).

hey anon, I appreciate you

“Villain,” she muttered to herself as she put the car in park and got out of the driver’s seat, slamming the door shut. “I’ll show you villain,” she continued mutinously, stalking over to the only building for miles.

“Uh, Lena, don’t you think maybe you should—”

“—I should what?” Lena demanded, not pausing for a moment. She pushed the door to the building open, using a little more force than strictly necessary, and stepped inside. Instantly, she coughed at the dust, looking around at the ramshackled cottage with a little bit of distaste. “I thought it would be...more homely,” she said, all her anger dissipating at the sight of her new residence for the foreseeable future.

“You bought an abandoned cottage in the middle of nowhere and you thought it would be homely?”

“It’s not the middle of nowhere,” Lena said immediately, defensive. “This is the countryside. It’s in the country.” She sounded weak to her own ears, and she knew her stalker had noticed, because she let out a soft sigh, coming up behind Lena and reaching out—almost as if she wanted to touch Lena’s shoulder.

“Lena, come on,” she said, in her annoying soft voice, “I know you’re upset, but come back home.”

“Home? Anywhere you are is not home,” Lena spat, turning to glare at her stalker. “Why don’t you just leave me alone? You’ve made yourself perfectly clear. I’m done with Lex, I’m done with you, I’m done with it all.” She gestured wildly at the dilapidated cottage. “I’m having an early retirement.”

“Lena, please—”

But Lena was unwilling to listen.

“Leave,” she hissed, eyes narrowed, shoving her stalker in the chest when she didn’t immediately move. It was like pushing at a boulder. “I said go, Kara!”

And finally, with slumped shoulders and a sad sigh, Kara listened.

She noticed Kara skulking about not a week later.

Lena had bicycled down to the nearest town, enjoying the excellent weather as she rode, her thoughts on her list of things she needed from the market. There were supplies she needed to order as she continued to work on her cottage, but there were also some in-season fruits she waited all week for, still excited at the prospect of freshly picked berries.

(Not for the first time, she wished her own garden was further along, and that growing things wasn’t so...slow.)

Kara was at the market.

She wasn’t being sneaky. Not really. She was ambling about, charming the locals with her bright smile and excited questions, blushing profusely when a little girl accused her of looking familiar, almost like Supergirl. (“Pffft,” Kara had said loudly, her voice unintentionally carrying over to Lena as she tried to hide her awkwardness and failed, “that’s a strange thing—what an interesting—what would she even be doing...nooo, I look like me. Just like me.”) She clearly wasn’t attempting to hide her presence from Lena, but Lena—who remembered quite clearly telling Kara to leave—was annoyed.

So she settled on ignoring Kara’s presence entirely.

It worked, for the most part. She did find her eyes straying at one point, when Kara was busy with a little boy, her eyes screwed up in concentration, her tongue sticking out, as she attempted to fix whatever toy she’d accidentally stepped on while failing miserably at following Lena covertly.

(It wasn’t until much later, when Lena was fixing herself dinner back at her more rugged than ramshackled cottage, that she wondered if Kara had done it all on purpose. The following loudly from a distance, never approaching, never making actual contact.

To suggest her friendship and presence would go nowhere, while also respecting Lena’s boundaries—making it quite clear she would not approach unless Lena initiated the contact.

It made Lena roll her eyes, a traitorous smile tugging at her lips.)

In her third week of solitude, Lena woke up one morning to letters.

A large stack, resting innocently behind her door, held together by a waxy piece of string she recognized from the town’s bookstore. Lena looked up and around her property, but she saw no sign of blue and red, so she bit her lip and picked up the letters.

It took her another whole day before she was mentally ready to open them.

They were from everyone—or, for the most part, that was. Letters from Nia, from Brainy, from Alex and Kelly (the way that letter was worded making Lena think it was written by Kelly), even a letter from J’onn. They were apologies, pleas for her to return, admissions of fault and guilt, and one (clearly written by Alex alone, without Kelly’s soft touch) that brought up all Lena had done and how that was painful too. Nia had given updates about National City, Brainy talked about some ideas he had for some of Lena’s R&D projects—abandoned, she supposed, now that she was here and Lex was still back in National City—and J’onn wrote about heroes and M’gann, and those who managed to buck what everyone expected them to be, just to be who they actually were.

The absence of Kara, in any of it, was glaring. No mentions of Kara (or Supergirl) in the letters, none of them written in Kara’s neat, loopy hand, not even a whiff of anything to do with the reporter, even though she was the only one who could’ve brought all these unmarked letters to her doorstep.

For whatever reason, it made Lena angry. She had been stalked and followed, Kara popping into town every time she happened to be there, but she couldn’t get a single, measly letter?

Well, she would show Kara, she thought to herself as she folded all the letters back up and shoved them in the envelopes. She would show her.

“You,” she told Kara unceremoniously in the middle of town—in the market, right in front of a stand full of cabbages—eyeing her former best friend with as much heat as she could muster (which, well, wasn’t much), “are such an idiot.”

And then she left.

Kara followed.

It took a few days, but the next time she saw Kara, it wasn’t as she hid behind locals and pretended to be endlessly interested in fresh vegetables. It was outside her door, moments after a soft knock.

“Hi,” Kara said, not quite meeting Lena’s eyes. “I brought you some things I thought you might miss from National City.” (An enormous bag was at her feet, full of what looked to be books, some tech Lena had been tinkering with in her spare time and had left in her apartment, photos and the like, and even takeout from Big Belly Burger.)

“Right,” Lena said slowly, letting out a breath. “Thanks.”

(If Kara expected to be invited in and was surprised when she wasn’t, she didn’t show it. If anything, she looked pleased at the two words Lena did speak.)

“Right, well. I’d best be off. Alex is making me spend time with her and Kelly. She says I’ve been distant lately and she doesn’t like what it’s been doing to our work relationship. By which I think she just misses me, but doesn’t want to admit it,” Kara rambled, taking several steps back as she spoke. (Lena missed that, she realized suddenly. She missed Kara’s stupid quirks, her soft voice. No matter how tainted their friendship now was, she still missed her best friend.)

Kara’s fingers had reached up to her glasses when Lena found her voice.

“How did you find me?” she asked, swallowing a little bit, wanting to hide just how much she wanted the answer to this question. “I took so many precautions, to make sure Lex couldn’t track me. New bank accounts, buying this cottage in another name….” She trailed off, suggesting all the work she’d put into finding this cottage without anyone knowing. “So what did I miss? And why hasn’t Lex been here yet?”

It was a mildly suggestive question—what did you do, she wanted to ask, but didn’t. What did you do that made Lex not find the same thing that led you here? What did you do to Lex?

“I didn’t find you because of a paper trail, Lena,” Kara said, her tone changing so much that Lena felt her heart pound harder and faster in response. “I don’t think you made any mistakes.”

“So how did you find me? You were at the cottage the same time I was. How?”

For a moment, it didn’t look like Kara would respond. But then:

“When I’m overwhelmed, especially by noise, I latch onto things that are familiar and comforting to me,” she explained slowly, shaking her head when Lena tried to interrupt. “I listen for Alex’s voice, Nia’s snores, and um,” she paused, her cheeks flaming, “your heartbeat.” She fiddled with her fingers, not meeting Lena’s eyes anymore. “Since we, well—I’d been listening to it more often. And then one day it was gone from National City, and I panicked, so I started searching for it...and found you while you were on your way here.”

“You found me by my heartbeat?” Lena asked, incredulous.

“It’s one of my favorite sounds,” Kara said, clearly without thinking, her hands nearly flying to her mouth and her eyes widening in panic. (And Lena’s traitorous heart pounded harder and harder in response, as if crying out for Kara to hear it.) “Lena,” Kara continued after a long moment, “are you planning on staying here?”

(Lena wondered what this was. A question for a question? Answer for an answer?

Or was it what it actually sounded like? Kara, her former best friend, longing to have Lena come back.)

“I don’t know,” Lena answered honestly. “There’s nothing for me to go back for.” She managed to leave off the yet, but just barely. Oddly, Kara didn’t seem to notice, if her crestfallen expression was anything to go by.

“Okay,” she said, nodding curtly. “I understand. I’ll leave you, uh, to it then.”

“I could use company. Sometimes. If you’re free,” Lena blurted as Kara bent at the knees and one hand went up to her glasses. “It would be...nice, I think.”

And Kara’s blinding smile was answer enough for Lena’s unasked question.

“How are you all managing without me there, anyway?” Lena asked some weeks later, somewhat used to their new give and take, somewhat used to Kara’s presence in her small cottage, feeling safe enough to ask and her curiosity finally getting the best of her.

Kara didn’t even look up from the recipe she was trying to work out, biting her lip as she leaned closer to the book, her forehead resting on the page, as if she hoped she’d learn how to cook through the power of osmosis.

“Not great,” she answered honestly, not looking up. “But that’s to be expected.”

“What does that mean?”

Kara pulled away from the book, eyeing Lena oddly, as if she was missing something obvious. “It’s crazy that you don’t see how important you are to m—us.”

Lena didn’t comment on Kara’s slip, nor did she allow herself to think about how it was her personally that mattered, and not her contributions, in Kara’s mind.

At least, she didn’t allow herself to think about it too much.

“Sometimes I get bored out here,” Lena admitted.

“I could bring you more things to do. More of your projects, more books?”

“That’s not it,” Lena sighed, pushing a cup of tea Kara’s way. Her cottage was homely now. Full of light and flowers and smelling of freshly baked cookies. She wondered why it didn’t feel like home unless she was sharing it with someone else. “I supposed I’m jealous. Of you and the others,” she clarified at Kara’s curious look. “Game nights and lunch and all that? I miss it.”

“Oh. Well, you’re not missing much.”

“What?”

“We haven’t done any of that since you left. It’s not the same without you.”

“Why do you keep coming back?” Lena asked one day, months down the line. Kara was helping in the garden, mud drying on her forehead where she wiped at it with the back of her hand. “Surely there’s something else you’d rather do. What about that guy, the one who asked you out?”

“Who?” Kara answered absentmindedly, tugging on a stubborn weed. “Ohh,” she continued, laughing a little as it finally clicked and she used a bit of her super strength, the weed flying out of the ground. “I always forget about him. Is that terrible?”

“Kara,” Lena admonished, waiting for an answer to her actual question.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Kara admitted, leaning back so that she was sitting on her heels, turning to face Lena with a frown. “This is where I want to be.”

“Are you just here to convince me to come back?” Lena asked, several hours later, when the two of them were at her small table, having dinner. “Is that it?” (Fear made her ask. Anxiety made her ask. Curiosity made her ask. But also...well, hope made her ask.)

Kara was silent for a long moment, then she let out a deep breath. “I think, in the beginning. Yes. I kept coming because I wanted you to come home with me.”

“But now?”

“Now, I just want you to be happy. Wherever that is.”

Lena nodded, looking away from Kara after a moment. “National City was never my home,” she said, unsure why she said it, why she didn’t explain when Kara’s face fell but nodded knowingly.

“I get it,” she said, tone sad, but eyes flaming with promise. “I’m glad you made a home here. And I’ll keep you company as long as you’ll have me.”

No, you missed the point, Lena wanted to say. This cottage wasn’t her home either.

She didn’t worry when Kara didn’t visit for a week. She didn’t even worry when it stretched out for two. There was always something going on in the world, and she knew she couldn’t monopolize Kara’s time. But when two weeks stretched into a third, Lena knew something was wrong.

It was confirmed the moment she entered town, and walked into the nearest pub, seeing nearly half the townsfolk in there, all of them watching the television screen intently. Lena followed their gaze, and immediately, her heart sank at the breaking news playing out on the screen:

Supergirl still missing, traces of kryptonite at last spot she was seen

Lena turned around and rushed to her cottage, biking furiously, grabbing everything she needed for a trip back to National City.

Back to Kara.

After days of furious work, helping Alex and Brainy, allowing Nia to bully her into a nap, sighing in resignation when Kelly mediated an awkward hug between herself and Alex, and avoiding J’onn’s knowing gazes, Kara finally woke up.

She was still groggy, but a smile immediately tugged on her lips the moment her eyes fell on Lena.

“Am I dreaming,” she asked, holding her hand out for Lena to take, seemingly shocked when Lena actually took it, “or are you actually here with me?”

“I had to come back home,” Lena whispered, heart thudding in her chest. Kara’s eyes shut, even as her smile grew wider, and Lena knew she understood.

National City was never her home. Neither was that cottage.

Kara was.

(And from the way Lena’s heart pounded when Kara’s fingers intertwined with Lena’s, well, she didn’t think that would change anytime soon.)

#supergirl #supercorp #fanfic #new #I read a fic on ao3 with this same prompt and it was really good #I don't remember the name but go read that one too #asks #anon

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missdawnandherdusk · 4 years

Text

Life Update

It’s me, your humble author, here for a little update.

My last fic seemed to hit hard with some of you, whether it was empathetic or sympathetic, I’ve seen your responses to it. And I know that some of you are concerned, and I love that I mean so much to you that you’re willing to reach out. It’s a sweet feeling that makes me smile and gives me an affirmation with each message.

And right now, I really am trying to figure out how I feel about my recent breakup. I know that I don’t want to go back to him. And sifting through the memories brings back some more somber moments and somber thoughts, like the ones you read in Together in Paris.

It’s been hard for me, yes. And maybe I can share some of it with you. Maybe writing it out will make me feel better, or feel something. I know I have a habit of going numb and avoiding things that might hurt me, but I think it’s time I open my heart up a bit, and I feel safe with you all.

It’s true. He was supposed to be my happily ever after. He was my prince charming who came to save me from an awful home life, terrible mental health, and well, just about everything else. For a long time I believed that he was my forever. My Edward, my Wesley, my Winchester, my Chat Noir, my Captain America, my guardian angel, my soulmate. The little girl inside of me who craved being saved had found her savior and she loved him with all of her heart. There was no one who knew me better for a long time. Though every heartache he was there. When friends turned and walked out on me, when I had tough decisions to make, when I needed someone to lean on, he was there. He was my everything.

And I gave up so many things. I compromised so many times just to keep him. Things that I’ll never get back. I never stole his sweatshirts because he didn’t own any. We never had a song, he rarely liked my taste in music. I never got flowers, or romantic dates. I had to plan them all, if I wanted it, I had to tell him. There was no dancing at prom, no claim of highschool sweethearts, no nights looking up at the stars. No cute photos at holidays. I lost all of the little things for the sake of a savior.

And I think that’s what wore away at my heart the most. What could have been, what should have been, if he cared a little more. Words only got so far. “Of course I love you,” “I’ll try harder,” “I’m not good at this kinda stuff,” “I don’t care,” They were empty promises piled up on top of the promise of forever.

And even though I was with him, I started to define myself, and I liked that he was apart of my definition, but he wasn’t the entire definition anymore. But that’s all I was to him. I was on a pedestal to him. And I wanted off, desperately. But he refused.

Everything he did, he claimed to do for me, then complained about how it drained him. He’d work non stop for money to go to school for me, then complain about his day or refuse to get proper sleep. And I’d tell him to sleep, to take care of himself, and he didn’t. He said he couldn’t. And it’s hard watching someone self destruct while you’re desperately telling them to get help, to listen, to do something different. Anything different.

And that hurt. A lot. It hurt watching him cling to a shadow of me and say he loved me again and again and I couldn’t say it back. I couldn’t believe him anymore. He didn’t love me. He loved the idol.

And he never listened. That’s what killed me. When we fought, when I tried to tell him where he was going wrong, when I tried to help him, he’d get mopey and “woe is me” and victimize himself to a point where I felt backed into a corner. Where I didn’t want to talk to him because he was only interested in hearing “I love you” or complaining to me. He didn’t want to know about my day. He didn’t care what music captured my heart.

He never read my writing.

Maybe once, he did a few years ago. But I can assure you that I’ve gotten “later” from him for about a year. A “later” that never came. And that hurt a lot. I pour my heart out into my writing. It’s a world that I can create and destroy if I want to and I love my worlds, I love my writings, and he never read them. He never cared. He made excuses. And he was also manipulative with it because one of the only writings that he read of mine from this blog is my ace headcanon list, then proceeded to yell at me and gaslight me for writing it making me feel bad because he had reacted wrong and golly gee I’m Mad and Hurt So after a while, I just stopped trying.

And it was sad, because he never noticed that I stopped trying. He probably thought that I was being complaint. Another compromise.

And I came to the realization that I didn’t want to share my life with him because he didn’t want to be in my life. He wanted my love and affection and the security that I offered.

He knew it was wrong. He told me he knew. Again and again he said he’d change. He’d get better, he’d keep trying. And trying. And... not trying. He never changed. He never kept that promise.

And that kills me too.

I wrote “there are songs about the ones who got away, but they never ask her why she left, do they?”

This is why I had to leave.

Because I’m not a fighter. I’m a pacifist. I’ll go in peace without a word. Without an argument. A clean break. I can go and never tell my side of the story. I’m okay with rumors about me because I know who I am on the inside. And I’ve worked damn hard for that and I’m proud of it.

But no one knows any of this. And he’ll never see this because he’ll try to turn it back on me.

So, I’ve made a clean break for it. I’ve blocked him on social media and on here. I don’t want to try to fit him into my life anymore because it was exhausting. And I never knew how tired it made me until he was gone.

So yes, it hurts. It hurts because I thought I had found my everything. I was convinced that I had, and he let me down. He let me down and he refused to accept that and he refused to ever let me believe that. It hurts because I gave up so many things for him and now I can never get them back. And that hurts. It really does.

And right now, I have to disassociate him from my series, because those are the stories of us. And they’re supposed to have happy endings and a man who stays and changes for the better but I have no idea how to write that now, because it didn’t happen to me. So please, don’t expect me to figure out how to finish those series because I have no idea what to do now. I’m scared and alone without a prince charming for the first time in my life and writing career and it’s terrifying. And I know you all love them, I do, but I can’t do it. I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to give you a happily ever after because my was torn from me by the one who promised it to me.

And that hurts the most.

Tags: @coffee-addicti @msmcsmutt @ravn-87 @artemismohr18 @whygz @crazywritingbug @fuzzy-panda @bitemebro522 @zombiesnips-blog @savingdraco @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @akari180 @slytherin-emerald @memalfoy-spidey @queenfeatherwings @fanficflaneuse @go-whovian-universe @spicyshenanigans @darling-im-not-okay-i-promise @dietkiwi @katsukink @takemetothekingdom @strangerr-things @tmnt-queen @hxneybgb @justsomerandomgur @belcvayelena @moviesbooksandfandoms @howdycharlie @xtrashmouthxtozierx @cocochanelthepupper @ninacotte @braelynn-j @jiggllyy @honeymarvel @darcypotter-blog @atomicpunkrock @thiccheerioss @lottie289 @beautiful-pegasus @tceedlmao @deadlynyghtshayde @iconjuresnapeingrandmaclothes @anonymous034 @bi-andready-tocry @lunna-does-real-doodle @dragonsandbread @okaydraco @the-queen-of-hell-things @cmxreader @alienmotel @oh-itsnothing @sunflowerxsadnessw @fattycooter @angelotakunerd08 @thisisahugemistake @fanficsigottaread @gweaslvy @strawberriesonsummer @gaysludge @cleopatera @ray-of-sunrise @artist-bby @shadowsingeraxolotl @quillsareforwriting @ghostlytoadalmondhairdo @wollymalfoy @lilpieceoftoast @paper-cats @floweryjh @sdicapriox @slothgirl22 @peachesandpinks @hufflautia @livize75 @annie-mcl @riathearora @live-like-luna @justathoughtfulangel @coconutdawn @skteaiy @wannabeskinny-thinspo @naughtygranger @queenofmankind @dragonsandbread @abundantxadorations @moony-artnstuff @myforeveryoungblog @and-then-a-girl-with-luv @1-800-luvsick @pandas-rice-field @strawberriesonsummer @jjustsomerandomgirl @mrvlfangirl3190 @in-slytherin-we-trust @emmaa-t @introvertedrae @infinity1o1 @stoleurmomsvan @echpr @sunkissed-hufflepuff @dekulover @marshmallowtraver @cereuselle @lonely-skywalker @xlosttdreamss @sleepysnapesnake @hoeforthefictional @coldlilheart @helen-paris @romance-geek @rosie-starlit-sky @californiaa-babyy @vulture-withafile @hogstupefy @littlepanda-love @eveft @iraniq

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eccl3ctic0n3 · 3 years

Text

This Is My Personal Testimony of How God Found Me When I Was Lost.

I Am A Witness and My Testimony is of Jesus Christ the living Word of God

What you FEEL and what you THINK are valid and extremely powerful as these are the things you BELIEVE to be TRUTH thus this is your REALITY!

This is your belief system. Unless you suffer from mental illness therapy and counseling can be very helpful. Just talking about it and getting it off your chest is therapeutic in itself. No matter if it is a friend or a therapists getting things out instead of bottling them up and holding them in is great relief.

I was diagnosed bipolar type I when I was 23 years old. I am 41 now and it has only been in the last 5 years that I have been able to overcome, heal, grow, and experience breakthrough.

Traumatic experiences such as verbal, mental, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse to losing a loved one or friend has a lifelong affect. Therapy and medicine are just tools to help you and give you the skills, knowledge, and some understanding, so you can cope and learn how to manage with the pain and symptoms that remain.

I don't know who needs to hear this but I am telling you from 18 years of personal experience. Actually, 41 years as its only been 18 since I began treatment. Where doctors and medicine failed me for 13 years God did not fail me. I got lab ratted on all that time with powerful psychiatric medications. I spiraled out of control and my behavior landed me in the psychiatric ward of prison in the infirmary. 10 weeks I was locked in solitary confinement on 24 hour lock. I was deemed incompetent and unfit to stand trial. I was looking at two F1 Felonies with sentences from 5-99 years each. For 10 weeks I literally lost my mind and was experiencing full blown psychosis. It was in an instant that God found me and restored me to sanity. I did not find God. He found me.

I was lost and could not tell the difference between my dreams and reality. I slept in 15 minute intervals. In one dream I dreamt that I murdered my two children. I bashed my daughters head into the wall. My reality was this place I was in where no other person is visible was like a purgatory and I was awaiting my judgment to be thrown into hell.

I was on my knees in my boxers bleeding from my head and knuckles. I was head butting and punching the walls. As I was on my knees I was singing, ''My Girl, My Girl, Talkin Bout, My Girl." I was only thinking of my daughter and that I was never going to see her again.

The guy in a cell next to me screamed, " Shut the fuck up!" I just screamed back and told him to come on over and shut me up. What was he going to do we are in solitary confinement. 😅

I lost track of time and I was still singing and I began to cry out to God. Literally bawling and begging I screamed for God to help me. Don't you know the guy who cursed me came to my door and asked me to call his momma for him to bail him out. I laughed and said ain't you the same mother fucker who told me to shut up? Before he answered I just said whatever! Just write the number on a piece of paper and slide it under my door and I will get to it.

Mind you that for those 10 weeks I could not even read or use the telephone because I just didn't know how. The hands on the clock just spun round and round. Still on my knees sobbing I noticed the piece of paper slide under my door. I forgot all about it and I couldn't read or use a phone anyway. But I looked closer and I seen the red writing. This guy tore the last page of his bible out to write the number on. The red writing just caught my eyes and the first thing I seen was this. Revelations 22:16 I Jesus, have sent My angel to you to testify in the churches. I am the Root and Offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star. As fast as you could snap your fingers I realized that I could read first of all. I then noticed I felt completely normal. I was just wondering wtf am I doing in my boxers bleeding on this floor? 😅 I got up took a shower and cleaned up. The guard came by and stopped giving me a strange look and asked if I was ok. I just said Im fine Im waiting on lunch its almost noon. I could read the time cause the hands stopped spinning.

Finally I got to use the phone and I called home and asked how long I was there. I said 2 weeks? My mom said you been there almost 3 months. I did 6 months and got both charges dropped down to a misdemeanor and 4 years probation. 2 years was deferred. I literally signed out of jail on a PR Bond. No fines, fees, or court costs at all.

That was 5 years ago in October. I never could forget or deny what happened. I knew immediately what the verse meant and what I was told to do. So I have done it this entire time everyday almost on social media.

I had never read a bible before and I was far away from God. I was really on the fence about the whole Jesus thing. What I know now and I knew at that moment was this. Jesus is God! He is the Father, the Son of God, and the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God and of Christ. There is only one. Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and Sovereign Lord over all of creation.

I believe the words of the verse exactly for what they said. He sent an angel to me which is a ministering spirit and a messenger. I got the message loud and clear. So I do exactly as He has told me to.

It has been 5 years and I have not even had a cold. My doctor is weaning me off medications. It was by no means an easy 5 years at all. I suffered with overcoming addiction and the mental illness symptoms I was and still am learning to cope and manage.

There is one thing I learned in addition to all these things since then in talk therapy. I was raised by two narcissistic, one mentally ill, and completely abusive except sexually.

After all those years and all those medications and numerous doctors did not do for me what the Great Physician did in a moment of time.

Don't get me wrong. God has revealed to me that He has gifted these doctors, nurses, therapists, and the scientists or chemists that make these medications. Give or take these crooked sons of bitches.

Just know that God is Hope. Faith or Belief and any good thing at all about man is of God. He is Love. How is Jesus God? All things are possible with God. Just trust Him. Don't worry or be afraid. He has commanded us to be strong and courageous for He is with us wherever we go. He will never leave us or forsake us. He is faithful to keep His word. If He said it. He meant it. It is the Truth. Jesus said His words are Spirit and Truth. These words are Life and Jesus is the Way. The one and only true living God is the living Word of God. He was manifest in the flesh. The holy bible has been tampered with by man and today even more with hundreds of versions. However, man is foolish to think he could ever stop the Power of the Spirit and Truth that is the Word of God Jesus Christ.

Is the Father the Son or the Spirit? Is He 3 in one or one in 3? Don't split hairs with vain debates and argumentative subjects that no man can answer. There are simply things of God that man will never understand. Our finite minds cannot imagine, fathom, dream, or even comprehend the great things of God. He just said don't trip. I got this. Be still and know. Trust Me and Believe In Me. Have Faith! Never give up Hope. Without Hope this Life has no purpose and we have meaning at all. There is just certain death. Then we are worm food.

If it is all just a big story and we die only to find out that's it just black and nothing then fine with me. If we die and it is true and we chose not to simply believe and have the faith the size of a mustard seed. We'd be cursing ourselves not God from hell forever. We would know He was right and we have no defense or a word to say before the righteous Judge.

Life and death. Facts. Choose life or death. It is the most logical, reasonable, sane, and simple choice for anyone in their right mind. So anyone who says its blind faith and completely disregards facts, logic, or reason. You know just as God says. He has used the foolishness of this world for His wisdom. He makes those who are wise in their own eyes, puffed up with pride, and too stubborn or hard hearted to simply admit they do not know. Men fear what they do not know. Rightfully so. You should fear God. Both revere and be a very afraid of the One that can take your life and cast your soul into hell. He gives and takes away. Simple as that.

So remember no matter what the situation or circumstances shit is just temporary. All good things must come to an end. As do the bad. So suck it up, be strong and courageous. Has He not commanded us? He is with you wherever and nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

To anyone suffering right now I am by no means minimizing your pain. I feel you 1000% You don't have to believe a word from me. Just know there is someone who is always with you and you are not helpless or alone. You may be weak and in complete darkness that seems like hell. God is light in the darkness. He has the keys to death and hell. So weather life or death, heaven or hell. You gotta trust and believe in Jesus. If not it is your own doing. Most of our problems are self inflicted we bring em on ourselves.

This may be the hardest part for me to tell someone in depression just dwelling and can't let go. Do you know what depression is. It is YOUR THOUGHTS and YOUR FEELINGS. It is therefore YOUR BELIEF and thus YOUR REALITY!

This is self-centeredness. Depression for a while that is justified is one thing. Wallowing in SELF-PITY with the attitude WOE IS ME. MY LIFE SUCKS and nobody understands or knows what I I I am going through. No one could possibly relate to YOUR SUPERIOR PROBLEMS! GET OUT OF YOURSELF for a while. Have an attitude of gratitude. You are alive and if you can feel emotions and you woke up today then you KNOW that you are alive. LIFE is a gift from of GOD. He so loved all of us that He GAVE HIS LIFE so that anyone who BELIEVES in HIM Should Not Perish...SHOULD NOT! But HAVE RIGHT NOW AS IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT. EVERLASTING LIFE. God gave us HOPE of ETERNAL LIFE the FREE GIFT of SALVATION is the LORD OUR GOD JESUS CHRIST the ONLY BEGOTTEN of the EVERLASTING FATHER the King of Israel is the Holy One (Christ) or Anointed (Messiah) our SAVIOR and REDEEMER. Not by might nor by power but by that Holy Spirit of PROMISE which is the PLEDGE of our inheritance.

The only reason one would die when God gave us His Life so that anyone whomsoever at all Believes. The Way is the Truth and He has become our Salvation. He is the very HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE that abides forever. LOVE being the greatest. No one SHOULD die. It is a choice!!! Just like you choose to wake up and be grateful saying Thank You God. Bless you Lord Jesus for the Spirit translated "Breath or Air" of Life and the LIGHT we all see and we have heard the word of God preached and proclaimed to us all. So no one has an excuse to even say I Dont Believe! That is our free will and choice. Another gift from God. He wants you to choose Jesus and dont worry but be happy. Rejoice!! Make some noise!! God is good all the time. All the time God is good. We all have a reason for the very BREATH of LIFE that was blown into Adam's nostrils and he became a living soul. Adam just means man. Human. In His image and likeness. Male and female created He them. If you believe in Jesus and the Good News aka Gospel of the Kingdom and Eternal Life you have every reason on every Day the Lord has made to be grateful and choose to be happy. The Eternal One is the Alpha and Omega. The Ancient of Days is the First and the Last. The Almighty. Beginning and End. Genesis to Revelation. Death and Life He gives and takes away.

I pray you don't waste another moment having a pity party if you don't have an actual reason to be stuck feeling sad for an excessive period of time. It is selfish. Ungrateful.

Your THOUGHTS and FEELINGS are powerful. They are YOURS though. You and you alone have a God given free gift of grace to Think for yourself and Regulate or Control Your Feelings and Emotions. It takes time and it's a process of growing up and becoming a man or woman. He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, AND A SOUND MIND. SELF DISCIPLINE your MIND. We have the MIND of Christ. The Spirit of God and of Christ. The Kingdom of heaven is within. God the Father, the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit is all within. What does it say? The Word is near to you, in your heart, even in your mouth.

It is Finished!

Revelation 22:16 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

16 “I, Jesus, have sent Mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the Bright and Morning Star.”

Isaiah 44:6-8 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

6 “Thus saith the Lord, the King of Israel, and his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts: I am the First, and I am the Last, and besides Me there is no God.

7 And who, as I, shall call and shall declare it, and set it in order for Me, since I appointed the ancient people? And the things that are coming and shall come, let them show unto them.

8 Fear ye not, neither be afraid. Have not I told thee from that time and have declared it? Ye are even My witnesses. Is there a God besides Me? Yea, there is no God. I know not any.”

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battybumboy · 4 years

Text

But he was falling |Pt 2 | Thomas Thorne

Part two of And he was falling. I decided that leaving this story on a cliff hanger wasn’t fair. :p

There isn’t any other ghosts characters xReaders that I know of on the Internet... sooo... I had to make more!

Thomas Thorne x Female reader

Find and read part one here! :

Enjoy part 2!- xx 🍯

______________________________

Two glassy eyes look at the figure opposite them “Henry?”

“You shouldn’t be here! You’re a criminal!”

“I came to see you! You know how painful this day is!”

“You have no rights to be sad! You’re involved with the thing that caused this mess! You’ve picked your side!”

“I didn’t only travel here for that! I came to see you as well!”

“You shouldn’t have bothered! You need to leave!”

___

“L/N?”

The pirate jumped at the feeling of someone tapping her shoulder and was immediately brought back to her senses by the dozens of eyes that were looking at her with expectant gazes.

“I’m sorry chaps, I must’ve started daydreaming. Repeat the question?” The other ghost, Julian, groaned in mild annoyance as the other ghosts sighed along with him.

“Who do you think would win a game of chess when we were alive. Me, or Pat?”

“Oh, uhm... that depends on how much chess you both played in your lives. Well, I knows that Pat was a man who liked many ‘a game so Pat I suppose. No hard feelings Julian- it’s just that if you were to play during your life... it would soon evolve into more than a game of chess.” This was met with a moment of agreeing murmers.

“I see your reasoning and I must say, you’re quite right.” The MP replied, “You know, one night, me and Margot- we were having a spot of chess- and, you see, we were slightly tipsy after having... one to many glasses of wine and I- we-” Julian’s speech was suddenly interrupted with a number of groans from his peers, all attention now lost from Y/N, “Anecdote, people! I’m telling an anecdote!”

“Yes. Very good, Julian. Now that this silly debate is over, which has gone on- quite frankly- long enough, we can get on with what I have to say.” The Captain spoke, “Right. I have a complaint about something we all know has been going on for quite a while now...” he paused to look at the blank faces surrounding him before resting his eyes on a particular person, “What ever is the matter, Thorne! You’ve been- sitting around like a pile of melancholy limbs ever since that argument we had! If this is about what I said, please know that it was a heat of the moment thing.”

“Oh no... it’s quite alright. In fact, it rather opened my eyes to the subject of my love for Alison.” This to was met with an ovation of groans as the poet continued, “I’ve realised that Micheal and Alison’s love is a bond unbreakable by a hand of no flesh. I shall cease my wooing for no where will it get me if I want the love of another but Alison. Me and Alison were so close, yet so far. Our ships are never to get closer, yet lie in the same port on opposite sides of the dock. I know that although my heart will suffer... I’m doing the right thing and everything will be ok.”

“Wow...” came the small reply from Julian as everyone looked at Thomas, his head bowed and eyes closed softly. An overwhelmed silence lay over the other ghosts as they looked upon their most irritating housemate in shock

“That’s a lot of emotional baggage.” Julian continued, causing Y/N to lightly hit his shin with the toe of her boot before giving him a half amused glare.

“Yes, t’was what I thoughts. Lots and lots of emotions.” Chipped in Mary.

“Quite melodramatic If you ask me.”

“Well it’s a good thing no one did then, isn’t it, Cap?” Y/N replied, playfully.

“It’s Cap-tain” the Captain answered back, fondly.

“Did I stutter?” she winked playfully before turning back to face the majority of the crowd before Pat spoke up,

“I believe it was very brave of you to share that Thomas.”

“Oh pl-ease! It’s not like there’s anything he doesn’t share with us!” commented the mildly amused MP,

“I think it’s healthy for people to share their worries with the people they love!” Kitty replied, as always the sweet ball of sunshine,

“I seconds!” Exclaimed the peasant Stuart lady,

“Quite” Lady Button responded

“Well I do keep some things to myself.” The poet said, a soft smirk on his features for proving the politician wrong.

“Really? Like what?”

“That would be none of your concern, Julian.”

“But come on!”

“One hasn’t the must to share every woe they bare, ought they plead not to” Y/N chided, always the voice of reason.

“Easy for you to say, Captain Secretive! We don’t even know your first name!”

“Tell that to Cap over there.” She responded, rolling her eyes so hard that, if she were to roll them any harder, they’d have fallen out of her head,

“It’s... Cap-TAIN, L/N!”

“She has a point though, Captain.”

“She only told us her name because I was also a captain and you can only call one of us captain.”

“I felt the need not to be problematic... if the newly dead were to kick a fuss then it’s curtious to fix the problem they mewl ‘bout” Y/N said, before winking for the second time that hour.

“Yes but most of these lot went two, maybe three, centuries without any clue of your name.”

“Guys! Please! Settle down! Secrets of our lives can be kept a secret, secrets in general can be kept as secrets.” Pat said, directing the last part to the forgotten poet of whome was looking more more conflicted by each jab the other three ghosts threw at each other.

“A lady always keeps a secret!” Came Fanny’s stern reply,

“Aye, thank you, Lady Button.” the pirate replied, sending a grateful smile at the lady whome was only older in appearance, yet so much younger in age.

“I believe that the only secrets that should be shared are ones at sleepovers about people you have feelings for and want to start pining but need advice on how even though it might be unaccepted because of reasons to do with religion...oh and the secret that you ate or stole something you shouldn’t have” Kitty exclaimed, still smiling.

“That was oddly specific, Kitty.” Lady Button responded, eying the happy Georgian woman.

“Oh yeah, that’s because I once ate more cheese than I was supposed to” she said with a giggle as the rest of the room looked at the naive woman, brows raised,

“Not that one, Kitty, the other one.” Fanny corrected

“Oh? Oh yes! Does a bit... Just make sure the person your pining isn’t at the sleepover. That would be awkward... oh and the friends you’re with are ones that are trustworthy- people might tell the church.”

“Does there be witches?” Asked Mary, looking at Kitty’s faultering smile before a look of nervousness,

“Oh, I hope not. Well, at least I don’t think so.”

“Rights”

“I think they have by now”

“What?”

“Oh, you were just saying right...”

“Well, I agree with Katherine. Secrets that are held close can be kept secret”

“But t’isn’t the greatest sin to ask advice and spead few ‘a rumour on the status of ones love life.” Y/N countered

“On the subject of love, all of us love food... and that leads us on to food club!” Pat exclaimed excitedly

“Whoopie-doo” came The Captain’s sarcastic response before Mary stood up to tell the group about the best way to make butter.

“Thorne?” Y/N whispered quietly to her melancholy friend

“Hm?”

“Remember... if you need to talk, ‘bout anything at all...”

“Right- yes... I’ll.. tell you.”

The poet kept mentally denying the fact that he was slowly but surely catching feelings for his housemate but the nagging at his mind never stopped... neither did the frantic butterflys in his chest or the urge to be near her. But he resided in the fact that it would possibly go away and turn out to be a silly phase. At least he hoped, for his heart couldn’t bare to be rejected... not again.

He looked at her soft features and felt a twinge in his quiet heart. Thomas couldn’t help but smile at her softly; He didn’t want to love again...

But he was falling

____________________________________

I hope you liked part two! Part one did ok so I’m making it into a series! -🍯xx

Part 3-

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helreigns · 4 years

Text

ey.

alright, so. yes, it’s your boy, big z. let’s talk a bit. i don’t know where this is gonna go, but i’ll be frank with you guys: being away from this app has done wonders for me. seriously. i’ve lost weight, my skin’s better, my productivity’s increased- people say that as a meme but no, i’m serious. a few months ago i was telling my friends “I considered going back to tumblr but like, lmao. im happy so why would i?” because frankly, being on here does not make me happy.

i’m very good at curating my content, avoiding goofy bitches- a master at the craft, ik ik, but it’s not about that. i can ignore, block, and continue about my day as it was without caring much about a 19 year old who believes their a minor and an angel or some shit, w/e. the goofies aren’t even the issue. i didn’t come here with a plan on what to talk about so this is all just coming at once because i keep thinking “tumblr’s kind of the best place for a multimuse, and i know some good peeps.” that’s my thought process when considering returning, but guys. we need to address the issue: it’s hard to find this enjoyable. i certainly know it’s not just me. let me go in depth.

fiction is fiction. i don’t care what kind of writing you do, be it kink-writing, fluff, dark-fiction / darkfics, developmental, etc. people have gotten to a point where they see something they don’t like and they can’t remove themselves from the situation. with kids, it’s expected, but people into their late twenties continue to act like this-- but this isn’t my main reason why i think it’s no longer enjoyable as it was in early 2010s-- it’s cause back then, you didn’t really have to worry about your partners being two-faced. i swear people on here think they’re on some anime villain shit, i swear to god i’ve literally had a friend who made a discord server, set it up, built it up & made it for people who want to write with each other & aren’t mentally harmed by whatever topics they included noncon, dubcon, etc. don’t care- if you aren’t down to read, you don’t need to. that’s fine, it’s dandy. what happened was that someone pulled some, idk black widow shit and joined the server pretending to be a writer who enjoys darkfiction and woe and behold, they were some goofy bitch who leaked all the logs / urls -- and i gotta ask: what is the point. don’t say it’s “to warn others” cause no it ain’t bitch lmao. it’s to shame them, dogpile, & report-- let’s not get into the weird, disgusting high that these people get. feeling like they really CHANGED something in the world for “exposing” a discord full of people that deadass just wanna write fanfiction. yeah, much change, very w0ke. doge meme that stupid shit, lmao.

i know im rambling but man. okay, back to the whole two facething. i just dont feel comfortable sharing anything about myself. i’ve literally lied about my location, the place i’m living in- things as simple as me being in collage or not. why? cause goofy bitches love to dox, play games, threaten livelyhoods and talk the most fatdick game on the internet but when someone gets hurt they will crawl into a hole and pity the shit out themselves because uwu no wrong- bullshit bro. legit, i can’t make friends on here because it feels like everyone is taking screencaps of everything, not even because they themselves are twofaced, but you can’t take the risk of not having “””recipts”””. like bro, we’re having a CONVERSATION. i literally didn’t wanna give out disco/rds the last time i was here cause i felt that could be a method to dox me. stupid shit, right? it feels like this is some stupidass anime political battleground. this kinda had no point, it’s just me voicing my feelings. still, if you take anything out of this: for god sakes, leave each other alone. stop with this wannabe mean girls shit. it’s tumblr rp & it never shouldve been that deep. i absolutely don’t give a shit about “reputation” - i’m on the internet lmao, neither should you all. also, one more thing: if your friendship is conditional, then it isn’t one at all. if you believe someone will no longer be friends with you cause they find out you like to read lmao fuckin noncon? ditch. it’s not worth it. if some mf just said “if you like uhh homes/tuck, i will block you” that’s how it deadass sounds. goofy shit. that’s all, feel free to ignore, reblog, idc. stay safe

#hope everyone's good #dont see myself coming back rn possibly in the future #ill clean things up a bit #but for now? eh #ooc /#idk my tag fuck the fancy shit we're too old for it #edit: damn it really been half a year #amazing

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erinelizabethh · 4 years

Text

Caught Your Eye | Leon x Reader (7/?)

Summary: Your little sister is the newest, most promised challenger to beat the region’s Champion. Leon is said Champion. You just have a Pikachu.

A series of drabbles following yours and Leon’s friends-to-lovers slow burn… years in the making.

1 2 3 4 5 6

Chapter Seven: Must Be Fate

Chapter Summary: Perhaps fate is something to believe in.

Fate is a concept, an idea to believe in rather than accept as fact. To believe in whatever was to come meant a sense of control in one’s life, and God forbid if this world wasn’t so unpredictable. Perhaps the word is meant to comfort you, to justify the shudder in your bones at the fast-approaching return to Postwick. In fact, Sonia can go on about how she dawdles in it all, only entertaining destiny when she sees fit which is… exactly the topic of conversation upon your first step in Wedgehurst territory. With your Rotom phone tucked in between your shoulder and your ear, heat traveling to a phone increasing in stupidity the more you couldn’t figure how to navigate it, you raise a shoulder to drag your duffle bag toward the column of your neck while kneeling to bring your able Pikachu into your arms. “She must be right excited to see Leon in the flesh again, huh?” Sonia inquires in fact, expecting proof of delight in return.

The girl famous for her peach strands of hair and her brilliant knowledge of the region remains your friend through passing texts and selfies with your now ex-best friend, and his now rival Raihan. Unlike everyone else, she’s that rock that is dauntless of abilities that near rival a ghost type, choosing to spend moments of her day checking in with a, “What’s goin’, love?” despite your schedule too full to respond to left messages. Sometimes if the nostalgia is too much to bear, she recalls of outings the four of you had however rare, taking quick detours on routes home because you finally caved and relished in the way the sun’s rays traveled in the waves of the lake beside her home. Sometimes she’ll sign off her messages with a plead for you to return through the excuse that Leon and Raihan are down to one bookworm to tease; she misses a friend, a fellow girl, someone whose contact means more to her and less to you as the years are counted and lives are left behind.

No one’s fault but yours, you suppose, it was difficult to detach from the village girl in you to make residence in the city. Contacts of old classmates nonetheless are found upon the habitual scrolling through lists of numbers foreign, all besides your mother, Lydia, and Sonia having to deal with a fleeting existence never picking up. If only any of those people fortunate enough to hold a spot in your memory even bothered to call, but again, no one’s fault but yours. With a few updates every day from Mum about the abundance of Butterfree’s among her plants as if you care and a few more from Lydia mentioning a girl she’s crushing on in University as if you have any right giving her advice, your phone is dry with your recent calls your mentor and boss as the only source.

At this point, you’re not exactly positive why you bought this device.

Your Pikachu nuzzles her rosy cheeks into your forearm, appreciative of that buzz she experiences when her owner gives her attention. “He texted me back a, ‘yep’ when I told ‘im, I mean Sonia… he’s definitely a bit cross with me— oh, but the hat—“

You step outside Wedgehurst Station to find a crowd of people in your vision, and the very man invading your thoughts as the object of their affection. They ogle over the cape that dresses him so proper, aware of how contagious his smile can be, salivating at the amount of patience required to fully tame his winning Charizard. There are sparkles in the eyes of each aspiring trainer and parent searching for a distraction, asking him of favors to amuse them just a little longer. You’re somebody that doesn’t deserve paying mind to, except Leon has to perk up at your voice and turn to meet your entrance home, successfully diverting the attention from him and his most trusted Pokémon to someone who wanted none of that. The inhabitants of Wedgehurst turn heads at Leon’s change of behavior and the source, and you lower your phone from your ear as your gaze shuffles at every direction but the one where he is in your direct line of vision.

… And there it is, in your periphery. Your gift to him.

No one walked the world without finding his name on a billboard, his face plastered in hyperbolic documentaries of how the boy from nothing rose to the top and became the Champion of Galar. The world knew he was loved, yes, that he packed up his wardrobe and set out at the age of sixteen, yes, but did they know how good he was at remembering birthdays? His mother would tease him in passing by posting a picture of him when he was a teenager and the population would go mad and exclaim about his braces but were they there during his woes of them being too tight, too fragile? Would anyone have cared if he wasn’t a winner, if he wasn’t always a winner? So many questions and yet, you would think being twenty-three, all the time in the world would be offered to you to answer them.

You followed Leon’s journey to twenty-four through the eyes and ears of others, lips flat as you witnessed him having the time of his life. Lydia, with the occasional snapshot of his rare visit to his home, would encourage a grin from the adult when he found no reason to frown. You would scroll down Hop’s feed, his stan feed if you will, claiming that one day he would be Champion just like his brother, analyzing the stream of Leon’s many battles and victories. Then, if you were courageous enough, the next tab would be reserved for his mother’s profile—still kicking, still tagging your mother in articles about gardening. The occasional upload of Leon’s pose would show up if you scrolled further, with Mum sparing time to comment about how his signature stance kind of looks like a Charizard which was kind of the point, followed by the demand for him and you to meet up in Motostoke. Of course, your name in bold was to be your limit, and you proceeded to exit the application to bang your forehead against your phone two, three times.

His appearance is just as in the pictures, except you��re now able to put a voice and a soul into them. The boy, now a man, can’t seem to avert his gaze from what he deems is the more pressing matter at hand, his cheeks losing its color the more he eyes the color that fuses within yours. His hair reaches yours in length, undoubtedly as soft as silk, and perhaps one day there would come a time where he would allow you to braid it in a design that accentuates more of his silent gratitude. You squint to find the regret in his eyes, maybe contempt, only finding dandelions that sway in the lovely, constant breeze. There is no difference to be found in him so far but the growth on his chin and the tufts of hair that far outmatch yours. Rather than spare his many glances at you, gaze aligning so perfectly with the other, he now follows you to a height stunted just because your body isn’t built to be tall. However, although the number of contrasts is small, they are too significant to ignore, and you can’t help but notice that there can be no return to a boy strife with the burden of crooked teeth and expectations. Leon, although no longer a best friend, remains but a spirit meant to haunt you because no one can seem to let him go. You, unfortunately, are no different.

You, however, appear to have been obscured from both families’ requests for selfies or photos of your new flat, only a comment of how you’re welcomed at your new position, partaking in research that no one cared to find out about, so it’s quite a shock to him to find you seven years later under a new light. Quite some time has passed since yet the years have been kind to you, he’s sure. You deserve it, of course, but maybe you don’t; some part of him has to remind him of what you did to him. Regardless, there exists weights beneath your eyes, no doubt an accumulation of years of studies, yet you compensate for it with lips soft and glossy. The second that transpires before you shield your face from the sun, your irises shimmer underneath it’s rays and he’s thrown back to when the two of you were teenagers and the sun set over the horizon at just the right time when you were just in the right spot, and he’s as mesmerized then as he is now.

Boy, does he hate it.

There is something you haven’t seen from him since you departed: a frown upon his lips that deters those who find solace in his abiding smile. Eyebrows narrowed if only for a moment, the relief of those that know a caricature of him returns when he puffs out his chest, permitting you from defacing his image by forcing out a, “Welcome home,” despite, you know, not coming back for seven years. The smile that reaches the surface is unsettling to you, as behind it there are cracks in which you are the cause, imprints of memories better off forgotten because you made them undesirable. You return the favor in contrast to Pikachu squirming in your grasp, settling with the familiarity of the boy before her. His Charizard simply huffs out his dismay, gaze observing the tremble that crawls up your skin and threatens to make an already horrid situation much worse. He flexes his growth from the cheeky yet promising Charmander to the inviolable Charizard the world knows, all because you can’t seem to stop breaking his owner’s heart. No difference found, as perhaps his form of discipline during your many study dates alone with him really was punishing you for the inevitable.

Lydia and Hop are in the back of this mess, balanced on top of their toes to witness the commotion over the shoulders of passersby, murmuring under their breaths of the lack of timing that warrants such a situation. The two grown, yet not grown enough, graduates jostle shoulders to get through to the both of you, and it is then that you notice of the increasing similarity in behavior and appearance between Leon and his sibling. Of course, there’s no time to worry about it lost, as Lydia grasps your free arm and grants you a favor after years of you slacking as her sister and her confidant. When she drags you from the fray, calling for Leon over his shoulder of her intended whereabouts, you’re not at all occupied with the intimidation of unwanted attention and off handed clicks of the tongue.

Out of all the caps to wear…

Out of all the trinkets and parting gifts that would remind you of home…

You wear mine.

#pokemon #pokemon swsh #pokemon sword and shield #leon x reader #champion leon #pokemon imagine #pokemon fanfiction #YEEEEEEEESS HAPPY VALENTINES DAY #GOOOOOOOOOOOD NIGHT #LEON AND READER GETTING BACK TOGETHER :') WE LOVE TO SEE IT #AS ALWAYS PLS SHOOT ME A MESSAGE IF YOU WANNA GET TAGGED :)

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sup4l3e · 3 years

Text

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

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