#Loves bossing everybody around and enjoying all the wealth

[nonclassyparty]

[TEASER] Starring Role - ACT XI (C.S; S.MG)

title; tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, oh, let's go back to the start, running in circles, coming up tails, heads on a science apart

summary:

We’ve all read about the infamous player who falls in love with the good girl that manages to make him change his ways…but what happens to the other girl? The pretty, popular one that has warmed his bed before the good girl came along and took him away.

Well, no one cares about her. After all, she’s just a side character.

It almost feels like a joke to play a part, when you are not the starring role in someone else’s heart.

pairing: choi san x reader, song mingi x reader

act x / masterlist / act xi (final)

It's hard not to stare.

The conversation that goes around the table during the appetizers is vapid, the two businessmen are taking subtle jabs at each other's expenses, their bored wives are not so subtly ogling the two waiters that are assigned to your table and the younger men sitting at your table (him included). Shallow conversations served with the only purpose of showing off who has more of what and so on and so on.

Two years ago, this was your territory. The exaggerated delight when speaking about vacations you've been to, talking up your family like you don't all hate each other one way or another and pretending you actually enjoy the presence of your company. Now, you feel awfully out of place.

The times when you were at the top of the food chain are long gone because at this table right here; you are the lowest rank. The weakest player. The artist invited for their amusement because they don't take you seriously, not really. 

You learn pretty quickly into the night that you were never brought here from your boss' good grace to help you sell your art, it's for her to be able to show off the new addition to her company even if it is temporary (after this, you know it will be). Look at this new shiny, pretty little thing I have everyone. Isn't she just the cutest?

That's why it's hard not to stare.

Choi San sits opposite of you, just a couple of seats down and looks like he's completely in his element and it's mindboggling because you don't think you've ever seen him like this.

You always found him charming, good looks paired with pretty words and a smooth voice but here...it's a completely different game. The other two younger guys whose names you didn't bother to remember, seem to wait for his every word with a bated breath, the men laugh at his jokes and the women swoon at the charming grin. He is charismatic and everybody seems to be under his spell. Even you find yourself pressing your lips together to stop from smiling at an occasional quip that comes from him.

It's infuriating.

You're the outsider despite growing up in these people's circles and running around fancy restaurants since you were a toddler but Choi San...well, he fit right in.

You don't miss the way he smiles that godforsaken smile at the wife of one of the younger businessmen here. She's gorgeous and on the younger side which isn't surprising since her husband seems barely forty. She seems to be in her mid-30s though and tries to hide her flustered smile by taking a sip of the red wine in front of her.

A breathless chuckle escapes you as your eyes fall from the obvious (and fucking shameless) flirting done by both of them all while her husband is sitting right next to her but is too busy to notice because he's currently in a dick measuring contest with the others.

All that time that San spent making jabs at your wealth and the rich people you were surrounded with, only for him to land in the middle of that same table that he judged you for not even two years later.

A fucking comedy is what this is.

"I need some fresh air." You mumble to particularly no-one but one of the younger guys that seem to have come here with San and has also been laying it on pretty thick to you the entire night, is the only one to notice. When he offers to go with you, you're quick to decline.

The terrace of the restaurant is gorgeous and you feel yourself sigh once you're presented with the wide view of the city in front of you and the cool evening air enveloping you. You figure you still have some time before the main course and it's almost tempting to just spend it all here.

Your heart can't stop rattling in your chest despite it being almost an hour and a half since the short introduction between you and San and you grip the banister tightly with your hands as you try to keep your thoughts in check.

It's not even a big deal that he's here. The introduction was the only exchange between the two of you and so far, the night has been going well. It will be a bust business wise but at least you will get a free fancy meal out of it.

And San...he was acting normal. Whatever the new normal was for him. So yeah, it's not even a big deal that he's here.

"So we have to introduce ourselves to each other?" A voice quietly says and you freeze at the sound of footsteps until he's standing by your side and his elbow is brushing yours. "Is that what we are now, Y/N? Strangers?"

He's here. And it's a big fucking deal.

You're gripping the banister so tightly that your knuckles turn white but with the utmost grace, you utter; "I don't see what else we could be."

"That's..." He starts before giving you a nod, "Fair."

He pulls something from the pocket of his slacks and you don't give into the curiosity to check what it is until he leans over to you.

An opened pack of cigarettes is presented to you and you glance at it for a second in contemplation before sighing and reluctantly pulling one out before placing it between your lips. After the night you've had, might as well.

He's quick to offer you a light and you take a drag in and exhale as you turn to mirror his position so your back is leaning on the banister and you're observing the people inside the restaurant rather the view.

San takes a cigarette out for himself, lighting it up in similar fashion as he did for you and takes a drag, exhaling with a soft sigh.

"How have you been?"

You scoff out a short, barely there laugh, "What do you want?"

San's head turns to observe you and you will yourself to just keep staring forward.

"Nothing." He responds quietly and you roll your eyes. "I don't want anything. I'm just...just trying to make conversation."

A silence engulfs you as you both take a couple of drags from the cigarettes and watch it get turned into ashes. You watch your figures in the glass in front of you and can notice him glancing at you one too many times.

"Listen, I'm-"

"I don't want your sorry's." You're quick to interrupt him but he's quick to reply back.

"I wasn't gonna say I'm sorry." Your head whips to him for the first time, brows furrowed in insult. He sighs, eyes falling shut for a moment before the flutter open again and meet yours, "Well, okay, you got me there. There is something I was going to say I'm sorry for."

Your frown doesn't move but you don't say anything otherwise so he takes it as a chance to continue. "You told me something in confidence and I-..."

"San." You warn him and uttering his name out loud causes a shiver to run up your spine.

"No. And I couldn't keep my mouth shut because I'm an idiot that let my frustrations get the best of me. And I'm sorry, Y/N, it was a shitty thing to do and you didn't deserve that." He takes a deep breath, "I never promised you much, we both knew what it was between us from the start but I did promise to keep your secrets safe and I failed at that. I know an apology might not mean shit now and I'm not saying it because I expect forgiveness but because you deserve an apology. I'm really sorry."

You stare up at him, chest heaving up and down as you watch him. He's right, you're not going to forgive him...so what now? What do you do and what do you say?

"Kind of weird to apologize here of all places." You comment stoically.

"Don't know when I'll see you again." San says back in almost a whisper.

Almost angrily, at yourself and at him, you take another drag from the cigarette before your eyes fall back on your table inside the restaurant. The woman San was subtly flirting with is laughing with her husband now.

You respond back in the only way you know how when it comes to talking to San. Women.

"You've moved on from unsuspecting college girls to older women now?" You ask, flicking your cigarette and taking another drag.

At the look of confusion he gives you, you nudge your head to the direction of the table you both have shared for the majority of the night. He follows your gaze and the realization sets in.

"Oh," He chuckles, one dimple showing as he glances at you. "She's cute."

"She's also married." You grit out quietly, quickly looking around to make sure no-one else hears.

San's brows furrow and his lips are pressed to stop himself from smiling as he leans over to you as if to let you in on a little secret, "Not happily married."

You scoff, rolling your eyes dramatically as you look away from him. He chuckles again.

"It's them who make the first move, never me." San clarifies, smile dimming, "I may be a lot of things but not a homewrecker."

"That is still being a homewrecker, San."

"That home has been wrecked a long time ago, princess."

You shake your head, keeping your judgement to yourself but the curiosity is still there.

What has Choi San been up to these past two years? While you were in Paris shutting yourself off from anyone and everything to focus on your art, what was he doing?

"Them who make the first move?" You repeat in disbelief, turning to him again and you place your done cigarette in the ashtray before crossing your arms and now the judgement is very obvious, "Don't tell me you're one of those guys who's chasing after older women now."

San presses his lips together.

"Seriously? You are such a fuckin’ cliché, couldn’t you find some co-workers to sleep with?"

His brow quirks up in thought, "Hm, funnily enough I don't think I've ever slept with a co-worker." You shake your head at him again, having no idea how he just says that so...shamelessly and are about to open your mouth to scold him but he continues deep in thought, "Does a boss' wife count as a co-worker?"

Your jaw drops at the genuine question and you have to turn your head to the side just so he won't notice the fact that you're holding back laughter, still a snort escapes you. "Jesus."

At that, San lets out a short, husky laugh as well, seemingly unbothered as he takes another drag from his cigarette.

Same old San.

There is still so much left unsaid between the two of you. So much pain and anger, pure rage, so much sadness that is kept bottled away and so many memories repressed but in that moment...well, you are fucking nosy! Sue you!

"You slept with your boss' wife?!" You whisper yell at him with wide eyes, horrified yet equally amused and if that makes you a horrible person then so be it.

"She-" He tries to explain but you're already shaking your head in judgement, "No, hey, listen listen. She came onto me-"

"And you just couldn't resist, could you?"

His brows furrow in defense, "Hey, my boss is a dick."

You both fall into a silence after that, a summer breeze coasting over and you watch the guy who's been flirting with you the entire night stand up and step away from the table.

"You know that guy?" You ask San, nodding towards the tall figure walking away.

"Jaehyun?" He asks confusedly and at your nod, "We work together. Why?"

"Can you tell him to lay off? He keeps mentioning drinks at some bar after this and I'm not interested."

San frowns, jaw clenching, "He made you uncomfortable?"

You snort, "Please, he's harmless but I'm just not interested."

"Okay, I'll let him know." He nods before turning around, hands finally free of the cigarette and placed on the banister. He glances at you again after a moment of silence. "So...are you seeing...anyone?"

You tense a little at that. "Yeah."

His gaze is glued to the side of your face.

"Good." San nods, "That's good."

You shrug, not really wanting to talk about it. Not because it's San but because...you just don't want to think about your relationship with Mingi right now despite it being at the forefront of your mind at all times.

Noticing the waiters start walking to your tables with trays of food, you straighten out as well. "Looks like the food is here."

San looks over his shoulder with raised eyebrows and reluctantly straightens out his posture, as if he's not ready to go back inside. Hm. It's seems like San wasn't exactly in his element as you thought back there, just a really good actor.

You're the first to move towards the glass door but he's quick to stop you.

"Uh," A hand wraps around your elbow and you turn to him in confusion, freeing yourself from his gentle hold. San clears his throat before handing you a small white card. "Here. Have it...for, I don't know...Just in case."

You stare at the business card, a fancy name of a firm that you'd probably know if you were in his field, printed at the top with San's contact info below. You don’t know what it means, him giving you the card, so you accept it at a surface level for what it is.

With a nod, you simply take the card and tuck it into your handbag.

San motions for you to go first, holding the door open for you and you walk pass him without a word.

The moment you both shared outside, is seemingly broken the second you both join the same table again.

#san x reader #ateez x reader #ateez angst

[heavenlyborne]

@whiskeysrpcenter​ commented: Sabo: "Enemies to lovers? You don't know the first thing about love!"

“Oh, and I suppose you do? That’s rich coming from somebody who was so easily replaced.”

#whiskeysrpcenter #;; dashboard commentary #Not me finally coming up with a response 24 hours later #I'm so sorry Whiskey #Shalria just firing off and being brutally bitchy #Like Sabo's not wrong #At first she was going to say of course she knows love! #Loves bossing everybody around and enjoying all the wealth #Sorry if she shouldn't know he was originally from Goa :x #Shalria would be both snide and petty like damn they replaced you with a bootleg knockoff #Shalria's words are as cruel as she is

[bangteamhyuk]

Seesaw (II)

Genre: Mature/Smut, Strangers to Lovers, Neighbors with benefits/Fuck buddies, Producer! Min Yoongi, Fuck girl! OC Y/N, Neighbors AU (a Spin-Off to “Moving On”)

Warning: (NSFW! 18+) Car fingering while Yoongi drives, handjob, blowjob, cum licking/ spitting, Producer! Min Yoongi practicing SAFE SEX and ya’ll kids should do it too, mentions of bullying, suggestive abuse of power/ office boss being a d*ck, alcohol drinking and getting hammered, mention of sexist remarks, Seokjin being damn handsome AF just by walking in OC Y/N’s life like it’s okay because clearly it isn’t (I’m Jimin bias btw, I know you aren’t asking but I’m serving still) OC Y/N basically being unapologetically herself (living life in debauchery) and Yoongi knowing exactly what he needs in his damn life and he isn’t taking no for an answer.

Word count: 10,977k

SYNOPSIS: For months, you’ve been trying to hide your little crush on your neighbor who lives on the 18th floor. Until one night, you saw him drunk on the elevator with an empty bottle of Scotch, you asked if he maybe wants to have more of those in your place. And he did more than just agreeing.

Also thank you to these wonderful people: @flowerblu00​ @milkyshoooky​ @sugaaddiction​ 

“Of course, I’d love to….” you spoke low while taking a glass of water to drink. From the rims of the glass, you swore you could see Yoongi trying his best not to smile, playing it cool by pretending to struggle in picking the cooked meat from the grill. You bit the chopsticks to fight a smile, you must admit, that was pretty cute.

--

But Rush Hour. Of all the days you two choose to get laid was on Friday evening—a time where, unfortunately by default, everyone collectively decides to get laid as well. Thus, getting stuck in a sea of red lights. Needless to say, you two were bummed.

The traffic was so terrible, that it sucked you dry… literally. It’s as if a Dementor went around Yoongi’s car, found its way in, and unfashionably sucking you from underneath your seat. (Which by the way doesn’t look sexy at all. Seriously, who gets turned-on from that idea? Clearly not you) You were damn fine damp a minute ago, and now it felt uneventfully dry.

“You know what? This is ridiculous. I can see a motel nearby, why don’t we go there in the meantime?” you dramatically lamented from your seat. Yoongi, who was drinking iced coffee, almost choked to hear you declare your frustration so casually.

“Well, um…” he peered through the windshield “I can see the cars are moving in the next lane…”

“The motel is right over there” you pointed, emphasizing the short distance between the car and the building to his left.

He gulped “I uh-- I don’t like to take you to some sleazy motel. Besides, we have our own place” he starts counting by the finger “One, we don’t have to lie down on dirty sheets. Two, won’t clearly hear people moaning next door, and lastly no one’s gonna charge us by the hour…” facing you and concern

“Tell that to your friend who’s waning by the minute…” you pursed your lip pointing in his nether region. He instinctively closed his legs at your retort and chuckled “It’s fine, we’ll be fine… thanks for the genuine concern. Oh look, the light turned green! See, we’re moving?  I think the next lane is pretty lax...”

You can only huff as your dry reply.

As much as he wanted to leave with you right away and get to the nearest subway station the very moment you agreed, he couldn’t.  Because of all the days he decided to feel horny, he chose to go out with his car. He shut his eyes and dropped his head on the steering wheel to express his blowing resentment towards the cars, gradually becoming stationary on the said next lane. Thus, extinguishing any glimpse of hope that you two would arrive at his place, at an earlier time.

With an aching face, he wished that he could turn back the time and just to leave his damn car at the apartment building. Just so he could save his own balls from turning blue by the minute.

It was obvious that he was frustrated too, like you. Who wouldn’t? Being jammed in almost half an hour already? Still on the city street, barely moving? You had to deal with it.

Then it hit you: Yeah, why not deal with it?

However, you quickly realized that this may be a hit or miss. Not all people share the same interest or kink, but you were dying to have your back scratched, and so is he. So fuck it, you’re doing it.

You began to move your legs, slowly brushing it against Yoongi’s hand which was resting on the gear. He reacted, naturally. In fact, when the traffic light changed colors from red to green, he accidentally stepped on the gas pretty abruptly which partly shoved you down from your seat “Sorry…” furrowing his eyebrow apologetically, deep enough to find your pardon.

“It’s okay” fixing your hair from the center, and tucking it securely on your ears. Thankfully, you didn’t forget to put on a seatbelt, or else the plan you had in mind would have backfired. He sighed in relief, grateful that you accepted his apology.

Uncontented, you then pressed your hand on top of his. His hands suddenly turned cold as he tightened his grip on the gear, right before your touch. While you were certain that most men reacted positively to it, being open to a semi-public tryst, your expectations were not met. Instead, he cleared his throat and held your hands... held your damn hands.

He gently hit the brake as he approached another mob of halted cars on the next lane. Obviously flustered, he quickly moved his head to the side taking glimpses of whatever there was on his side mirror while withholding his smile. He momentarily pulled his hands away from you to shift his gear to neutral, then held your hands back. He even pushed his own finger in between its gaps and locked it. Locked your damn hands.

Slowly you closed your eyes and took one deep breath, not because your heart started to flutter, but because of your utmost disappointment at his response. This is clearly different from what you wanted to happen.

You took a mental note of the events and Yoongi’s actions, concluding that he was clearly a man who disliked beating around the bush. So, for the sake of being clear on your intention, you aggressively pulled his hand, opened his palms and let it slowly brush the skin hiding underneath your skirt.

He froze. Now you got his attention.

Nervously, he coughed on impulse. While his one hand remained clutched on the steering wheel and his eyes still focused on the road, the other hand was busy grazing your inner thigh. Surprisingly, he didn’t budge. He lets you take control, directing him where you want him to be while touching you gently. You then took his wrist, and guided his fingertips towards where you wanted it from the very beginning.

“Y/N, I just think it’s better if we wai---” for a moment, he had forgotten what he wanted to say to you next, because suddenly he felt his finger move to a place where he is afraid you'll lead it to-- your wet slit.

He swallowed, his mouth left ajar and brows lifted in absolute surprise. “Oh shit” was the only thing he could say.

Whining softly from your seat, he reluctantly moved his head to watch you introduce his fingers to the pleasure of your flesh. You then extended your arms, cautiously reaching for his legs and caressed it intently. His eyes blinked rapidly, as he turned his head back to face the road, refusing to look back. His mouth is still hanging from the air, as his head floats in uncertainty mixed with pure ecstacy.

No one asked but, really, this is what you meant by taking matters into your own hand.

It took him a minute to process what was happening, and as such, he began to return the favor. Now free from your control, he started pressing his finger on your sensitive bud and stroked it gently. He bit his lip right after he heard you moaned, “...Yoongi”

“Fuck” he suddenly saw the traffic light turn red to green. He slowly stepped on the gas pedal,  careful enough to prevent you being thrown from your seat again. He was now steering the wheel with one hand as he flicked your clit with the other at a steady pace. As acknowledgement on being gratified, you opened your legs wider.

He was game.

Yoongi briefly pulled his hands away from you to maneuver the car smoothly on the highway. He grunted at the view of another sight of flooded red lights. He wanted to get home so bad. All he could think of was to get on the bed with you with his cock finally warmed. But the highway had led this poor man’s dreams down in an instant.

Though, you refused to concede to the situation. You are willing to put up a fight against the status quo, ready to deny the world from preventing yours and Yoongi’s happiness from dying each second. Thus, like a good employee of this capitalistic world, you turn this deplorable event from liability to an asset: making this a great opportunity for you and Yoongi to bond closer. (Albeit, a different kind of bonding, that is)

As soon as he stepped on the brakes, you pulled out your seatbelt and moved towards his direction “Your car is heavily tinted right?” you asked while probing the cars around you from your window.

“Yeah, why?” He asked while putting back his hands to your slit, continuing to flick your bud, now significantly fast. You decided to turn it up a notch as you reached for the button of his pants. Slowly, unbuttoning it and pulling his zipper down. He started to pant, nervous to hear you reply.

“Safety first…” You then helped him shift the gear to neutral, and began pulling his pants and boxer roughly half way.

He groaned as he watched you grasp his stiff length, stroking it slow. “Is this what you meant when you asked if my car is tinted?” he quickly jerked his head up to check if the vicinity is safe, then briefly saw you nod your head to a ‘Yes’.

He choked when he sensed his tip poke on to your lips. It didn’t take a while for you to hear him moan when he felt his tip finally pressed the entrance of your mouth, gradually moving down on your tongue and on to your inner cheek. The warmth and wetness you’re giving him puts him in immediate joy.

He hissed at the sight of you taking him whole, and helped you fix your hair by putting it to the side, letting you breathe easy while you bob your head “Nngh… Y/N”

“Like that?” you part a bit and kissed his tip.

“Why do you keep asking the obvious?” he faintly chuckled as he tossed his head from his seat, right when he felt your tongue move from the bottom shaft and up to its head. Then quickly downed on him entirely again. His eyebrow creased automatically, as if contemplating today’s wisdom from the universe that all ‘good things come to those who wait’. He concentrated on that note like a mantra, as he shut his eyes tight.

Even when you were giving him a head, he was still kind enough to help you keep your hair away from your face. Holding it fairly light, trying not to pull. If this isn’t a gentleman thing to do, then I do not know what is.

“Y/N” He began sliding his two fingers in, which left you half giggling and panting at the immediate contact.

“Mm, you are doing me good hm?” you asked while stroking him slowly and watching his eyes closed, barely breathing as he mentally called to thank the universe for being blessed by you “You can add another finger if you want…”

“Damn, you are so hot…” His eyes then lit up, biting his lip and grinning with pride, thus displaying his perfect gummy smile that takes you to greater heights every time he does. “Yeah… I really appreciate your honesty, thank you for telling me you are horny” he replied as he prods his fingers in, progressively fast. Candidly making you clench and moan his name at the same time.

And like a good co-worker, you went back to hustle. Starting from the bottom to his top.

The tightness of your mouth in his shaft, the smell of your sweet perfume, the sound of his fingers squelching inside your very core, and the sight of you taking him whole, like a prized lollipop. Oh, and the fact that he pulled his (now) three fingers out from you to have a little taste…Yes, he nodded to himself. Licking every side of his fingers as if eating at KFC. Indeed, ‘it is finger licking good’.

It became apparent that all his senses were being satisfied when you finally felt him start to shiver. Everything was met, everything was good, everything became so overwhelming for Yoongi that even with his lids close, he can still see the light shine from heaven.

He gasped, leaving him marveled at your greatness by giving him a very good head. In fact, he found it so admirable that you start to feel him throb. Evidently, he is coming.

You were so good, that he barely withholds himself from coming. Along with the fact that he became unaware that his elbow accidentally hit the switch to dwindle down the window. “Fuck!” he writhed, thrusting his hip up spurting hard in your mouth.

“Yo, Casanova! Your windows are down!” The driver on the other side shouted.

His eyes widened, still sporadically shuddering from his high. “Shit!” He quickly pushed the button to raise his windows while his other hand pulled his pants and boxers up (at the least he managed to put his boxers up while in hurry, now 80% covering his ass) only it was too late.

Resisting to swallow his cum, you began to pull yourself up from your seat and look for a tissue stashed somewhere inside your bag. Upon seeing your head pop from below though, it didn’t take long for the other driver to discern what just happened.

“Nasty” was the last thing Yoongi heard from the grinning stranger before he finally put his window back up. Now completely shielded from his embarrassment.

Just then the traffic light turned red to green. Yoongi quickly hit the gas. Staying in this traffic was definitely the last thing he wanted to be in. He then thoughtfully swore to be mindful of his surroundings next time when another opportunity like this came, or maybe he would never (It’s too soon to decide)

But one thing is for sure, he swore he can never drive and see this road the same way ever again. Thanks to you.

--

A lilac lacy bra resting on his lampshade, matched silken panty hanging on the side of his headboard, black pants stuck in the middle of his bedroom door, an empty packet of condom on the edge of the bed, and his brief dangling, which managed somehow to reach on top his his TV.

Sitting with his legs crossed, his back resting on a pile of pillows with his hands supporting your weight. He happily watched you grind on him with great effort for a full whole blown minute. “Y/N” humming your name, in between his grunt.

“Yoongi” you recited his name in return like litany, hands gripping on his bare shoulders as you tossed your head back in trance.

“Fuck…” he began to propel his hips against you, meeting your every movement. One of his hands sneaked its way to your breasts cupping each and kneading it gently.

“Yoongi” you repeated, calling his name, spreading your legs wider to find your balance and continuing to roll your hips in synchrony with his. For a moment, the sound of slapping skin was all you could hear until it syncopated by his heavy breathing. He pushed himself close to you, hands now reaching towards your clit. Stroking and flicking it concurrently in full earnest.  

His head suddenly fell on to your shoulder, his gasp becoming audibly clear sending you into utter frenzy. In response, you pulled yourself back and began nibbling his ear, light and soft. He moaned. Yes, the kind that reverberates, delivering you to the edge. Thus reaching your high.

He snickered after hearing you whimper “For someone who initiated everything, I honestly thought you could last. I didn’t know just the sound of me moaning can send you to peak?”

With your mouth still open, you grimaced at his snide remark “Lie down, why don’t you? Let’s see if I can take you with me?”

“No need to, I’ll come any time soon” he tilts his head to the side and kisses you, simultaneously thrusting in haste. His sudden reflex jolts you in another course of delirium. As his movements became erratic, you held on tight to his shoulders taking it as a cue to give each other one final push to reach both your climax.

“Y/N…” He gagged as he squinted his eyes hard. Together, you both curse at the sensation, and deeply sighing together after hitting the zenith. You both lie down at the same time, panting. For a while it was silent, as if both of you were taking time to ponder on life in general like a hermit sage.

“…. Is this going to be a regular thing?” he suddenly asked, shifting on his bed to face the ceiling. Finally, he was asking the important question.

“Sure. You mean no strings attached right?” moving your body to face him.

He then pursed his lip to say something but quickly retracted. He figured he needed to ask it, so he just let it roll. A necessary query, he thought. “Is this going to be exclusive or….”

“Let’s not kid ourselves and make things easier for us, so no. Exclusive is quite foreign territory for me. Although I can still be monogamous, that is if you want it to… but don’t push okay? I can only go for a short period” you stretched your arm and rolled to the edge, taking the liberty to take his bottled water from the bedside table and drink.

“No, no, it’s okay. As long as we keep using protection, I guess that’s fine. We can see other people on the side, while we keep in touch? I think it’s a pretty fair deal…”

“It’s a good deal” you pointed out as he nodded in agreement.

“But what if one of us isn’t up for it any longer? Do we tell or do we not tell? Because honestly I’ll hope you’d pick the forme-- ”

“Latter” you quickly replied before he finished the word ‘Former’

He chuckled, and shook his head in disbelief with your reply.

“Fine, I can adjust. I totally understand that this isn’t just about me, so in all fairness, I’ll agree to your demands. But you have to agree with mine”

“That is?” He sat back up and pulled out his soiled condom, knotted it first before throwing it in the trash bin.

“Give me your number” you opened your palm to his direction

“Well, I thought you’d never ask” he picked up his cellphone he left from the edge of his bed, while you combed down on the floor to find yours. You two then exchange phones and enter each other’s number, and return it back. “That was easy” he raised one eyebrow smirking at you.

“With that, we can um… reach each other wherever, whenever” you pressed your lips together and gave him a smile.

He nodded “Sure, but only if you wanted”

“Only if you wanted it too” you replied, cordially mimicking his head.

“Everything sound’s good to me” he shrugged “So, Deal?” he stuck his hand out to you and you took it. “Deal” you both shook it, sealing the agreement.

--

Seesaw. It is one of your favorite playground activities. You enjoy the momentary high and the unpredictability of being dropped down. Although more than anything, you adore the power play. You get the euphoria from being intrigued, guessing each time who gets to take the upper hand.

You love taking predictions, you love calculating, but above all you love to wager. You wanted a brief scare from losing, only to shift the leverage to your favor. For you, Seesaw is a game of dominance. And in the game of dominance, of course you like to be the one in control.

Even when you were little you were so engrossed at that thought, obsessing to declare yourself to be the winner. You were so competitive, that it made you fall on a sandbox one time, when you were playing with your next-door neighbor, Hee-joon.

Seeing from afar, your father quickly ran to you and held you close for comfort. Although when he was dressing your bruises, you remember vividly how he warns you not to cry in front of boys, because little boys always relish seeing a weak girl cry. You always have to emerge as the victor at all times. Hence, you never did. Even now as an adult. You fight back, you always do.

That’s why Hee-joon grew up hating you, because the last time you two played Seesaw again, you managed to put him up above and watched him revel in the air. Until he realized you refused to put him back down, not until he cried. You watched him weep and plead above you. Only then you decided to put him down when his mother came. To say the least, your mother was upset with your action, but your father felt proud.

Seesaw is the game that taught you how to take the highs and lows, but more than anything, it taught you how to be the one in supreme.

Every time you deal with men, you remember every word your father told you. As such, when you reached the epiphany that love is nothing but just an illusion, you decided to take things to the sheets instead. You’d rather be engulfed with pleasure rather than unnecessary emotions under the guise of romance.

And yet, somehow deep within you, you were too scared to admit the rationale why you vehemently refuse to lose. Because at the time when you fell and your father ran to you, you saw it in his eyes. He was looking at you, fearful to see someone he loves dearly be in so much pain. He was terrified to let you know how far the depths of a wound can go, until you can no longer feel… and you’re afraid to know it too.

It is the precise reason why, right now, you are watching Yoongi cover his face on a Sunday morning. Leading him to his high, watching him revel in absolute bliss, under him… literally. Yoongi pleaded for you to stop giving him another god-tier head, and let him breathe easy, before you could deliver him any further to his overdrive. While you indeed followed his plea by halting, you decided to tease him a little by pulling yourself up from the covers and went on top of him. You took his wrist and pressed his palms against your bare chest.

“Wait” he paused as he sat up and furtively looked for a condom in his drawer. “Thank God, we still have one last…” he pulled out the shiny foil packet. You took it from his hand and helped him put the rubber on.

And just like that, Yoongi again was on a roll. For the past few weeks, neither of you resisted sex. Monday night? On your couch. Wednesday? On his kitchen counter. Friday after work? Inside his car on a dark alleyway. Saturday night? Inside his shower. Now Sunday, back on his bed.

Sex with Yoongi is great, but you already expect that.

But just like a play of Seesaw, you know that this kind of arrangement will definitely have some highs and lows. You know that one day, you and Yoongi’s sex drive will decline, frequent calls will become rare, until it’s gone. So, keep them coming right? Not that you are worried, but really what is there to lose? Especially if the sex is good and you two are on an equilibrium, like that in the game.

Well, not until Friday.

---

“Hey, good work!” someone tapped your shoulder lightly after closing the meeting room, you turned around to see who it was.

“Oh, Hoseok. Thanks!” you grinned, happy to see one of your best friends attend your team’s presentation for a Cereal Company. You’ve known Hoseok since college, and even worked with him on your first job. Even if both of you left and went to a different company now, you two still find time to catch up. It just so happens that you two are now working on the same project.

Dipping your head a little low, you whispered to his direction “I was genuinely surprised to know you work for this company, I thought you hated their cereals?”

“Unfortunately, beggars can’t choose” he replied softly as you nodded in agreement, while walking with him on the office hallway towards the elevator lobby “Great to know they promoted you as the Event’s Manager huh?”

“As long as they pay me well, I can manage whatever shit the world throws at me,” you said, twitching your lip to the side and shrugging, making Hoseok hysterical.

“Cheers to being a slave for money”

“Cheers” you both tossed an imaginary goblet from each of your hands when suddenly, you heard your phone buzzing, so did his. Both of you stopped from the elevator lobby to read the message. You rolled your eyes “Seems your boss and my boss are going to announce their engagement?”

He chuckled, “I’m pretty sure they’re straight, Y/N. But I can’t come to this ‘Night After-Work Drink’…” he put his phone back in his pocket after reading it.

“Aw, C’mon it’s going to be the weekend tomorrow! Plus, I’m going to introduce you to my colleagues, we’ll have fun! Just come, let’s go Hoseok! Don’t leave me alone, please?” you whined before him, trying your hardest to convince one of your closest friends to come by using your pleading charm.

Hoseok just stared at you and breathed.

“Why? Have you not forgiven me for that time I accidentally left my hairbrush on your car and your ex thought you were cheating on her? Hence, leaving me now on my own to suffer?”

You stepped forward to face Hoseok before he could enter the elevator with you.

He rolls his eyes “Still dramatic as always. I told you, that’s been long forgotten. Besides, I am dating someone new”

“Oh” you said inaudibly, finding Hoseok slightly displeased with your overly critical reaction.

“Hey, I know that face!” he narrowed his eyes while expressing his distaste to see your silent retort “And no, I have no plans in introducing you to her… Yet! Not until we’ve established whatever we are” he continued while pressing the elevator to the ground floor.

“Hm, still sounds trouble to me”

“We’ve only known each other for a week, Y/N. Give her some slack.”

“Then why are you cancelling extra working hours? When can you drink to your heart's content, hm? Beer will taste good, especially if you’re not the one paying” you bobbed your brows and smug “Just admit it Hoseok, she got you wrapped around her fingers. I told you, you can’t do this on a regular. Women like a little chase…”

“First of all, we’re not paid to kiss ass. Second, you also hated the idea of having to go there too and third, she’s not like you…”

You opened your mouth, clearly taken aback to hear his remark. Hoseok quickly clarified “I meant to say, you’re frighteningly the almost perfect girl…but she’s not the fooling type.”

“That’s what we all say, that’s what we all want you to believe Hoseok...” You retort incredulously “it’s better be uncompromising forthright than give you false hope. Go choose!”

Hoseok sighed deeply “Look, one day you are going to meet someone who will probably prove to you that not all men are shit.” he said while crossing his arms and stared at you, admonishingly.

“I already did. I have you” you pouted. The elevator stopped as Hoseok waited for you to step out first then followed.

“Besides me” leading you now to his car in the parking lot. His eyes flickered as he remembered something… or someone “Know what? there’s Seokjin-hyung”

“Oh, you mean Seokjin the half-god from the Film Department, in our Uni? Seokjin is infinitely out of question. Have you seen his latest drama on TV? Park Bo-gum even sent a coffee truck to congratulate him” You sighed resentfully.

“How’d you know?”

“Instagram. Okay don’t judge”

Hoseok chuckled, stopping at his car to turn it open with his car keys “I clearly am doing it right now”

“Technically, he is untouchable. You’ve seen how the girls reacted then when they saw me and him together on a couch? When we were literally just talking about Chinese Philosophy class during that frat party. And like some teen-romcom movie, rumors started to fly the next day and they multiplied by the hour” You opened the door to his passenger seat and secured yourself with a seatbelt.

“Easy A. It’s Easy A.” He stressed as he entered and adjusted the side mirror’s on the driver’s seat .

“The difference between you and Seokjin are that we’re friends… and he and I just happened to be in one class”

He starts the engine of his car, offering to drive you all the way to the bar where your team is having this week’s celebration “My point is… theoretically speaking, that there are men who are as nice, like he is. Plus, he knows those nasty rumors weren’t true. Won’t you forgive those girls?”

“They’re basically my creators? Shouldn’t this present slut thank them instead?”

“You and I both know you were once a college prude, and you never slept with any of those rumored men… Seokjin-hyung knows the truth. Even if he was conscripted to the list, unlike other men who took advantage of that, he fervently denied”

“Because that’s the truth. We never slept, Hoseok. Above every one, you know I didn’t have the guts. Wow, I am still not sure whether to feel offended or happy about it. Am I not worth it?”

“Y/N, seriously? Seokjin’s a true gentleman, that’s it. That’s the tea. I can even swear he was into you that time, until her groupies held an emergency meeting to evilly conspire against you… I’m actually glad they’ve been dealt with. This is why we can’t have nice things”

“Hoseok, okay, granted that he and I ended up dating each other back then… It is still going to fail because lov-- ”

He started to turn on the radio, loudly “What? I can’t hear you! Know what? Have a talk with your pessimism when you get to the bar. Here, I’ll even give you extra money so you could offer it a few more drinks” he pulled a few coins from his pocket and handed it over to you.

You chuckled, batting your eyes to his direction “Aw, ever the romantic Hoseok. Well, keep them I’ll collect it soon enough”

“She is going to be great, Y/N. Don’t jinx it!”

--

“Fuck capitalism!” your boss shouted.

“Fuck capitalism!” you all repeated and shouted it while drinking another shot all together.

“Y/N! Lara! Do that soju bomb thing together!” Your boss suddenly made his way to sourpuss the night by ordering you two to do a party trick which is gravely against your will.

Lara gave you a look and you just shrugged, telepathically and ironically accepting defeat from capitalism itself, by giving in at your boss’s request. You two were compelled to act normal as if nothing happened. Honestly, no one really needs to know about you, her, and canker Joe. As a matter of fact, you don’t want anyone to know that you tried to sleep with canker Joe from your office. Besides, didn’t Lara hide the fact that he was seeing Joe too? Maybe she was too embarrassed about him as well. Regardless, he is definitely a thing in the past and should be kept inside a box, six-feet underground for good.

“Hey!” Lara plastered a smile and handed you the glasses, as usual, to prepare both your famous tricks.

“Hey, hey!” you faked cheered as well as you helped her open more beers to spray on each glass, half filling the glass. Lara then filled each shot glass with a fair amount of soju, while you meticulously placed them strategically close so by the time you shove one, the other shot glass would follow like dominoes (dropping to beer glass like a bomb).

This never fails to amaze your boss for some reason, to see you two do it each time, much to you and Lara’s chagrin. Truthfully, if you’re being asked, you two would wish you weren’t forced to entertain anyone outside office just to have a favorable treatment by the day.

“Y/N” your boss called as he pulled out a newly opened bottle of soju to your direction, handing out your glass politely to him as a reflex. “You really did a great job with your presentation; I really like it! Don’t be too shy alright? You deserve to celebrate!”

“Thank you, sir,” you turned away from his direction and downed the alcohol in one go, respectfully showing everyone on the table that you’ve accepted the harsh reality of the need to kiss ass so you could get cash.

“Too bad, Hoseok’s not here. He’ll probably have fun” Hoseok’s boss, who joined your team, commented while watching you have another at your boss’s behest. You nodded to his direction, to feign agreement. Considering the amount of alcohol he could bear in a single night, of course not, he definitely would not have fun.

“Y/N” someone murmured on the table, after your boss moved his attention to the recently hired employees. You turned around and saw Lara staring at you “Y/N” she repeated.

“Yeah?” you raised an eyebrow clearly befuddled to hear her and have your attention.

“I know you can’t handle alcohol well, just gently decline next time he offers. He has more people to oppress now” she lowered herself so you could hear her clearer and puck her lips subtly to point at the poor new recruits.

“Oh, I thought you said you didn’t want to be friends with a slut like me? Are we also going to pretend I didn’t hear that too?” you whispered back

“Whatever, just don’t come hurling at everybody and then throw up”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you”

She was right. She’s always right. By the time you downed an nth shot of soju or whatever it is they gave you (and add that fancy cocktail you wanted to try on their menu) your surroundings gradually revolve and appeared hazy. Somehow, you decided to take drunken shots of the bar and record random moments for you to post something on your social media account. Nothing too wild or nasty, just enough to flash for your friends online that you were having a great time on another Friday night.

“Y/N, is it okay if you come with me to the restroom and help with something?” Lara asked distinctly from her seat, loud enough to hear your superiors to cut you lose from drinking.

You nodded submissively, plopping down from the stool and followed Lara. By the time you two arrived at the girl’s restroom you quickly went into the nearest cubicle and threw yourself against the toilet and vomited.

“I told you so, even Hannah Montana can’t get the best of both worlds. Y/N, stop acting tough.” She crouched down and held your hair up while patting your back.

“I’m feeling fantastic Lara!” you deadpan reply while wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.

“Okay, you are welcome” she rolled her eyes while burrowing something from your bag, then you heard something thud. Suddenly everything went blank.

--

The smell of musk, leather and a little bit of smoke. The feeling of the heat of a skin nudging on your nose. Your hands pressed against someone else’s chest, and the air breezing under the soles of your feet, as if you were levitating. You blinked your eyes twice and opened it wide from your stupor… finding yourself in the middle of the busy street of Itaewon.

You shook your head a little and realized you were resting on someone’s back. “Don’t move too much, you are starting to get heavy?” said someone in a timbre filled with objection.

You knew that voice, and you knew that scent too well too “Yoongi?” you asked weakly.

“Are you gonna throw up? Just tell me…”

“Yoongi, why are you…” you shook your head, that wasn’t the right question “Why are we here?”

“You butt-dialled me, it’s been so long since you called so I thought you’d invite me over but I only heard random noises then it ended… Until you began sending me weird pictures in the dark. So, I was kind of worried and called… But it was your officemate who answered and just told me to come pick you up”

“My what?” you asked, trying to process everything you heard.

“Know what? You’re too drunk to have this conversation and so I’m just going to take you home. Don’t move too much, you are slipping” he paused for a moment while he jerked to keep him adjusted to the weight that he is carrying. “Cutie from the 18th floor huh?” you heard him snickered as he asked.

“You saw my phone?”

“No, your officemate told me. Actually she asked me if I was ‘Cutie from the 18th floor?’ She apologized instantly because she didn’t know how to address me when I came to the bar to pick you up”

“Okay, that’s it. Put me down!” you tried to shimmy your body away from him

“Are you sure about that? She took your shoes from you; said she’ll leave it on your desk tomorrow”

“God…Must be Lara…”

“Is she the best friend you told me about before?”

“Yeah…”

“She’s worried about you”

“Mmm. Right.” You shut your eyes from the blinding neon lights passing from your sight.

“…Hold on to me tight” he reminded, as you reluctantly wrapped your arms around him while he trudged with you on his back.

In clear disorientation, right in the midst of the crowd, you wonder—why above all things, he is carrying you home without any question. Slowly, you closed your eyes and sighed while clutching on his chest a little bit tighter. You rest your head again on his shoulder, burrowing your nose on the fabric of his shirt. (Not to be weird, but if someone demanded what you’re doing at a gun point you wouldn’t think twice confessing that he genuinely smells so good, and that’s the whole reason) Somehow, whatever this was, it made you feel at ease.

And he wasn’t complaining.

--

“Y/N…Y/N” Yoongi rouse you from your mini-slumber “We’re here, we’re at your front door” He gently put you down on the floor and help you stand upright, waiting for you to enter your apartment so he could drop you home with his conscience at peace.

You crouched down and narrowed your eyes while pressing on the numbers on your door lock, offering it with great effort.

‘Access Denied’ it buzzed.

“Shit!” cursing on your poor concentration to get it right.

Yoongi sighed “Whisper me the number code, and I’ll do it for you”

“What? And enter any time while I’m sleeping?” you replied while unnecessarily glaring at him.

“Okay, that’s it… I can leave you here or you can stay at my place…” he put his waist on each side of his waist, like an old lady giving you an ultimatum.

“Fine... it’s wait…” You pointed a finger to Yoongi and pulled out your phone, pressing down the number sequence on the screen but in full labor. Yoongi, who was losing the endmost ounce of his patience, finally pulled you up to drag you back to the elevator lobby of your floor.

“Okay, okay, it’s 5991!” you spoke harshly, demanding him to put you down. Yoongi quickly turned around, to see if anyone heard. Fortunately, no one was around your hallway to hear you blurt your code so casually. He then swiftly pressed the numbers and opened your door and pulled you in.

“Oh! I forgot my RFID is on my wallet” you raised your hand belatedly after being dragged by Yoongi inside your apartment “Wait, what? You could’ve told me this earlier!” he groaned in utmost frustration, while helping pull your blazer off and beginning to question his choices in life.

“Yoongi” you grin at him with your eyes barely open “it’s been a while yeah? I miss your cock! Let’s have sex!” you squeaked quite happily. He then dropped you pretty harshly on the bed, not that you mind since you were too inebriated to care. “Mmm. Are you into rough play tonight Mr. Hit-song Producer, sir?” You reached for him, tracing your fingers against his shirt.

“I’m not…” he replied directly, rejecting your advances while he turned away from you busily searching for something. “… unfortunately for you miss, I don’t get turned on with drunken girls on the bed. Scurry over and try to seat on your back on the head board”

Obediently, you followed his demands despite not making sense, or at least because you are too drunk to comprehend anything. You shut your eyes waiting for him to do something to you until you felt something damp on your face “Yoongi?” you slowly opened your eyes.

“I am taking the liberty…Close your eyes” he asked sternly. It was beginning to make sense now.

“Are you helping me clean up?” you asked, feeling him gently brush your eyes with a damp facial cotton. “How’d you know which one is a makeup remover?”

“I’m not dumb, Y/N. I can read” he adjusted himself to mildly take your mascara off you. Flustered, you begin to turn your head slightly away from him. As if in a snap, the effect of alcohol was beginning to wane. Just because of the thought that Yoongi was doing things for you that you never expected. “Y/N, look I’m trying!” he clicked his tongue by pressing his thumb and index finger on your chin, securing you steadily “I heard, it’s not good to sleep with a makeup on… there’s a good chance you’ll turn blind from bacteria build-up if this is left unclean for hours”

“Says, who?” trying to dissipate the towering feeling of being embarrassed. “Your ex?”

“No, the idols I get to work with who came in late. They were trying to justify their tardiness because of their face after a night of drinking. Honestly, who cares? They have a lot of fans who love them”

“It’s a girl thing, you’ll never understand”

Smoothing another batch of damp cotton on your cheeks, he finished the conversation by telling you “Well, I do. You are pretty even without it…” he said while dabbing one last time on the side of your lips until you felt his thumb pressed on the edge of your lips.

Yoongi froze, did he just? He started to wonder. You slowly opened your eyes to see his face close to yours, just a few inches away from each other's lips. He cleared his throat and immediately shifted himself away from you again, keeping distance. “Good night, Y/N”

You watched him turn his back and dimmed the lights off your room, leaving only with a soft glimmer from your bedside lamp. Feeling stunned at the chain of events, you cowered down to see your clothes still on and your chest beating heavily. You jerked and shook your head reminding yourself that ‘No, we refuse to be your victim, Yoongi’. Then you felt it, clearly your body is still jaded, realizing on its own that you still had too much alcohol in your system. So, you tried to hurry over to your bathroom, only to find your face falling flat on the floor.

Gratefully, Yoongi hasn’t completely left you yet. When he heard, he abruptly went to check on you in your room. “Just how many have you had?” he helped you up and hiked you over to the toilet. You immediately hurled yourself to it and threw whatever you had in you. He groaned mournfully, while patting your back. He knew the answer to his queries, he’s going to need to stay by your place for the night.

And he did, but on your couch. He thought, it would be awkward to be placing himself beside you on your bed if you two are not having sex. Thankfully, your couch had enough space for him to lie down, yet he couldn’t seem to find his sleep. Not when he began questioning himself as to why you had him worried for the night, he shifts to the side staring blankly on your ceiling deeply sighing at the thought. He wished he knew.

--

The sound of fizzle, the touch of your dried lips, and the scent of butter, emanating from the kitchen towards your room. All of those, woke your senses. You looked at your phone and find it’s 7am on Saturday. Normally, Hoseok would gladly walk into your apartment to send you over hung-over foods, but guessing at the fact that he’d be with a lady friend you assumed he’d be unavailable for you in a time of need…. And cooking? Hoseok cooking? For the longest time you two had been together as friends, he never once attempted to put himself in the kitchen. So what changes?

You took your satin robe and swiftly wrapped it around to see who it was in your kitchen. You ran out of your room with a pillow on your hand and shrieked at the familiar figure. It was Yoongi cooking in your kitchen

He pulled out his airpods and asked “What, were you calling me?”

“No, I just… I didn’t expect you’d still... be here…Are you cooking?”

“Um, yeah, why are you always asking the obvious?” he knitted his brows, eyes darting from left to right, perplexed to even answer your query. “Look, why don’t you sit down and let Chef Min do the cooking for today”

You silently sat on your island stool and watched him prepare food. “Is this what you do to everyone you sleep with?”

He stifled a smile and pursed his lips to think. “I wish I did. Unfortunately, no. Just you, for now”

You folded your arm and poked your tongue from the inside of your cheek “Well you can’t do this…”

“Huh?” He asked with his back to you, busily chopping more onions and garlic then mixing it to the cooking pan.

“Rules.”

“Rules? What part of the agreement is cooking prohibited? If my memory serves me right, you failed to mention it, so I guess this is pretty legal”

“Okay, fair point. Then why are you doing this? On my apartment, on my kitchen, on my food? Is it all for me?”

Yoongi was taken aback, but he needed to answer promptly “What, you think I’m starting to like you more than a neighbor… with benefits?” he scoffed “Such confidence, woman” he turned around to snicker, playfully flailing his arm with a cooking chopstick on hand.

“I’m sorry but I can’t help it” you merrily bemoan in retrospect and shrugged. “Didn’t you say you’ve always fancied me?”

“Naked, I fancied you naked” he corrected.

“I don’t know, sounds the same to me” You watched him perfectly toss the food while cooking, like a pro. “Hmm, impressive. Are you trying to make me weak on my knees?”

“Well, are you?” he asked stoically, as he turned the stove off and finally served you a hung-over breakfast he made out from the ingredients available in your refrigerator.

“Almost, but not quite” you playfully bite your lip, fretfully eating your smile.

“You’re welcome for the breakfast Y/N” he winked, putting his share on a plate and sat on a stool right in front of you.

“Thank you, Chef Min Yoongi” you ducked your head, to tamper down whatever you were feeling in the morning. You weren’t a prayerful person but today you decided to whisper one from your seat. You needed it, a whole of it, before chowing down your freshly cooked food made by the Chef himself in front of you. Testing you by the minute.

He watched you while you shut your eyes and chant something inaudibly, and without you knowing-- he smiled.

--

“Min PD nim?” one of the staff knocked on his door. Yoongi, as usual, was busy listening to the tracks he made from last week now that it is back to being Monday again.

“Han Young-woo-ssi said he wanted to talk to you sir…”

“Oh, what about?” He abruptly stopped and turned to face her.

“It sounded like it’s a personal matter sir… so I didn’t ask him any further. He is waiting outside your office sir, would you like me to tell him to come back after lunch?”

He shook his head “No-no, it’s fine. I am a little bit stressed too, I was just looking for the right lyrics to the melody but maybe talking to him might help” he went out from his seat and decided to see his visitor from the same company but in the Accounting department. Was it about his demands against the company for paying for his daily coffee needs? Or was it about denying his request to fund him for another set stereos?

“Yoongi! My friend!” Young-woo delightedly extends his arm to give him a quick hug and pat on his back.

“Hey Han!” he sat on the couch and Young-woo followed, sitting on a chair adjacent to Yoongi.

“What brings you here?”

“Well, I saw you last Saturday night in the streets of Itaewon”

He chuckled “Yeah, I decided to do some carrying as part of my daily workout routine”

Young-woo nods solemnly “I know the person you were carrying. She’s bad news…”

He furrowed his eyebrows, pausing for a moment to comprehend the sudden change of his tone.

“I knew her from college, she’s been sleeping with a lot of men... maybe until now. Just avoid her if you can. She might give you STDs or something… Just stop Yoongi. I don’t know if it’s because she slept with Seokjin? Which probably made her impertinently bold and decides to slut around”

Yoongi thwarted him from finishing his sentence. “Seokjin? You mean Kim Seokjin?”

“Yes, your high school best friend and my frat brother, Seokjin. Did he never tell you about her?”

“He mentioned a few girls, but I don’t remember her being mentioned at all.”

“Well, I guess it’s because she’s not worth mentioning”

Yoongi pressed his fingers on his temple “Do you really see girls that way, Young-woo?”

Young-woo was left fazed at his question “I-Uh…”

“Cut to the chase Young-woo, I have a lot of things on my table. It’s not my cup of tea to entertain sexist conversation especially during working hours…”

“I’m just warning you. As friend, that’s it”

“Well, if that’s all there is” He stood up and tilted his head, locking his gaze against Young-woo fervently “I’m an adult who knows exactly what I’m doing. It’s none of your business who I want to deal with day and night, unless it’s about work. I appreciate you being worried and all, but clearly at the end of the day I’ll be responsible with who and when I’ll be fucked and who gets to fuck me over.”

Young-woo conceded and sighs from his seat “I love your tenacity, my friend. But she is different from the girls you used to date, especially your ex” he stood up and walked towards the hallway

Yoongi just nodded. “Okay, but that’s the whole point, isn’t it? Past remains in the past. Live in the present brother, worry about your future... not mine. Well there goes the exit door, if that’s really all you have to say to me. I don’t like entertaining sexism as a visitor” he points him through the exit door as he watches Young-woo leave.

He rolled his eyes, regretting the fact that he gave Young-woo his precious time so conveniently, just to listen to a back story he was clearly uninterested in. What’s the point really? If everyone is living now in the present, what’s there to huddle over in the past? One thing’s for sure, he’s going to spend a few more minutes at the receiving area to look at his phone and find some inspiration over his social media.

Randomly scrolling, he ended up in Seokjin’s profile, entertaining himself with his random pictures with witty captions, illustrations of cute alpacas and his daily dad jokes on his Instagram stories. His eyes suddenly widened when he shifted it to the next photograph and saw a familiar face from Seokjin’s story.

“Was it true?” he breathed.

--

“Yeah, that sounds about right, I assure you Madame Song. Tomorrow is going to be epic” you nodded.

“I’m looking forward to it Ms. Y/N” she giggled, standing up from her seat, ready to leave.

You did the same and bowed before your client, displaying your gratitude and respect. You took a quick glance from the window beside the seat and saw the sun glaring hard on the pavement “Are you sure, is it really okay if you leave right now? Didn’t you say you just had your facial? The sun is pretty hard. Do you at least have an umbrella?”

“Oh, do you? Sorry I forgot mine, can I borrow? I promise to return it to you tomorrow” she asked a bit warily. Of course, they never do.

“Sure” you pulled out your foldable umbrella from your bag and handed it to her.

“Thanks dear. Oh, if you must, bring your plus one” she winked.

You dropped your head and chuckled “C’mon Madame Song, you know I don’t do plus one. I’ll ask Lara to cover that for me instead”

She paused. Her attention was momentarily stolen by something, or someone in front of the cafe window “Well, why don’t you go ask him?” she puckered her lips and pointed out towards the man entering inside the café from its door way.

“What?” you chuckled in disbelief “I can’t just go ask a random stranger and tell-- ” you turned around to see who she was referring to, until you stopped mid-sentence choking on your words.

A man in black shirt, black leather jacket, and a black baseball cap? It must be….

“Seokjin?”

He turned around to see who was calling him “Y/N?” He raised both his brows in genuine surprise.

“Mm...Seems, everything’s pretty planned out now don’t you think?” Madame Song whispered to you close before leaving you on your own. Grinning from ear to ear, knowing she made a lucky guess to find you a prospect date, who isn’t after all a stranger.

“Hey, it’s been so long! It’s nice to see you here!”

“Must be cupid’s work, huh?” Madame Song winked at you both as she left the cafe with your umbrella. You shook your head a little, embarrassed to hear her tease. Then faced the half-god handsome man before you.

You sat back on your chair and offered Seokjin the vacant seat on the front.

“Hm, I honestly don’t know what to say to that, are you working? Was she a client?” he watched you write something down on your planner for a moment.

“Yeah, and we just finished” you clicked the pen and threw your arms up to stretch “and now I can relax. What’s up Kim?”

“Ikseon-dong is where I usually take my walk for coffee and look for inspiration.I like it here, it’s traditional and yet still a very relevant place” he turned around to look at the menu board, attached above on the counter.

“Ah, I see you’re working too…” you nodded. “You know their dirty chai latte is pretty good.” You pointed it out. “So, how’s your agency treating you? I’ve seen you in TDN channel the other night, and got to the scene where you were crying after being left by Park Shin Hye… that was pretty moving”

He laughed with his eyes wrinkling, charming as always. “It was hard convincing myself to cry over a fictional argument revolving over me leaving a Peanut Butter open for long...”

“In her defense, she thought you were cheating on her over Yoon Eun Hye. But before replying to that, tell me who you will end up with, is it her or Yoon Eun Hye? Because if you asked me Yoon Eun Hye might be evil, but I totally understand where she's coming from. So yeah, I’m Team Yoon Eun Hye all the way!” You lowered yourself on the table and leaned towards him.

He squints his eyes and went forward “Not if you watch until the last episode, or you could bribe me with the most expensive thing on the menu”

You shot at him and sighed “Fine, you leave me no choice Mister Celebrity, sir. One Eggs Benedict and House Coffee, on me” he chuckled, knowing fully that those were the cheapest on the menu.

“It’s nice to know you didn’t change at all, Y/N” he gulped and smiled at you.

“Oh yeah? Don’t be disappointed if you found it to be untrue.” You stood up and ordered something for your old flame, well almost… or so you would like to think, if it wasn’t for his groupies who extinguished before it even began.

You two tried to catch on a lot of things, while taking a few photos together. Seokjin has an insane amount of following, compared to the number he had back in college (but was still considerably huge). Yet he wasn’t bothered at all, he still posted whatever he pleased.

Although he was now hyper-aware of everything online, especially the fact that some things might get him in trouble or even getting others into trouble. He made sure to explain things about what was happening in his caption before posting anything. Just to spare them from unnecessary and unfounded hate from his fans.

“Fancy bumping to a college friend *insert smiley emoji*” he said out loud while mindlessly typing it as he hit the post button.

“Why didn’t you put a sticker on my face?”

“Why should I? I already spare you from being tagged. That way, you can still keep your identity hidden, but this face?” He pouts “Too pretty to be kept away”

You blushed, abruptly shaking your head ready to say something as your defense retorted “Is this your way to get in my pants, now that you’re some big shot?”

He folds his arms and twitches his lips to the corner “You thought so lowly of me, I could’ve dated you. Should’ve asked you out 11 years ago, but I didn’t because I was afraid you’d get in to trouble because of me… yet, still you did”

You paused for a moment. “Seokjin. I—”

He batted his eyes and smiled “That night at the frat party, I was about to ask you... but chickened out last minute. I should be the one saying sorry, Y/N. I wish I was there for you; I could only imagine what your college life might have been. How are you holding it?”

You croaked, left momentarily speechless at the sudden revelation that was gradually unfolding before you “I—I’m fine. Thanks to Hoseok, my life from there became bearable. I’m sure he’s the one who shut all the people who were spreading rumors, he just wouldn’t tell”

He nods. “What if he truly wasn’t? Like maybe, somebody other than Hoseok did it for you?”

“You?” you opened your mouth in disbelief.

“It’s the least I could do. Besides, I’m partly to blame '' His phone suddenly buzzed as he pointed a finger to excuse himself for a moment to receive it. “Hey baby, yeah. I’m just here in Ikseon-dong? I’m in “Flower Yard Cafe” Meet? Where?... Okay. I love you, see you in a bit”

You lump on your lips, suppressing a chuckle. For a moment you thought you had a chance with Mr. WorldWide Handsome himself, but man you were eons late. Certainly, there are many times you want to hurl yourself over him regardless if he actually wants you too.

You were then so close to not giving any more damn to the ladies who would build a fort to push any of his prospects away. Yet maybe that’s how the world works, maybe you don’t deserve all the nice things because that’s how you were designed to live your life… or maybe it’s how the world chastises you for choosing to live a life in debauchery. Either way, You and Seokjin will never happen. That’s pretty much engraved in your destiny, if that’s not obvious enough.

“I’m sorry I got to go, my girlfriend’s having a fit”

“Hm, maybe you should delete your post about us?”

“Girl, you think I’m doing this for you? I want to annoy the girls who shit on my chance with you…”

You laughed. “Hm. Openly flirting with me still? You are playing on dangerous water, sir… How about we try next life Kim, yeah?”

“Ofcourse, just don’t get swoon with my face alone when that happens.”

You nodded in between chuckles as you bid goodbye and watched him leave the cafe. You began fixing your things and putting everything on your handbag when suddenly you heard the sound of drizzle.

“Ugh, should’ve known! That blaring sun definitely looks like it’s gonna invite rain soon... I gave my umbrella to Mrs. Song!” you complained to no one, whining softly from your seat.

Not wanting to spend another hour inside, especially when you needed to send a few paperwork to your boss for a report, you decided to just throw yourselves over the harsh rain “Know what? Fuck it, let’s just run and get wet again” you pushed the door away from you, ready to run while holding on to your handbag that was barely covering your head.

As the door swiveled far, you began to notice that the rain that was supposed to be falling over your head wasn’t just…there. You turned around and found Yoongi. His arms extended to you, holding an umbrella for you. You watched him smile despite slightly getting showered.

“Yoongi?”

“Why are you always asking the obvious? Hey Y/N” He scooted over inside the umbrella, arms pressing and pulling you close to him. His free hand held on to the handle slightly tilted, making sure you remained dry than he is. You stood there, completely frozen. Too stunned to see him at a time when you needed someone.

“You certainly like to get wet often, huh?” he snickered, trying to diffuse the momentary silence.

“It depends on the situation… I-uh… what are you doing here?”

“I was just having a walk. The weather looks good” he subtly gulped, eating his lie. After seeing you on Seokjin’s instagram, he immediately called and asked where he was. Seokjin, knowing Yoongi fully for years, did not bother to ask any more questions as he simply answered where he is currently located.

“Oh yeah?” you tilt your head to look at the dark sky.

“Well, it was, until it suddenly started to rain. Where are you headed?”

“Back in my office, just a few blocks from here. You?”

“What a coincidence, I am too”

“You also work there?” you chuckled

He rolled his eyes and sighed “Okay you got me, just let me take you there unscathed. I’ll go back to strolling around the city  looking for inspiration for the song I am working on. But until then, I have to see you get there, so that I could put myself at ease knowing you went to your work completely dry.”

“Aw, that is so gentleman of you. You better credit me when you find that inspiration you were saying” you playfully teased, knowing fully well you’ll give zero contribution to his work.

He chuckled. Making you suck an air to see another gummy smile from him, which he is very frugal of him to do.

“Perhaps I will,” he shrugged, smiling weakly as he faced the street. You swiftly turn to face him, bewildered to see his sincere intent. Will he really? Thoughts were starting to run around your head.

Clearly, when was the last time you’ve been held by a man? Was it yesterday during sex with Jinyoung a fellow regular from the cafe next to your office? Or was it during a dodgeball game during 8th grade where Taecyeon, your crush pulled you away from getting hit by a ball? Or perhaps the time when your father took you in his arms when you got bruised? You could no longer remember, because right in the middle of the rain, underneath the transparent umbrella, you watched the rain fall while Yoongi was there holding you in his arms…and that was all you could think.

For the very first time, you felt safe and secured. It was warm and seemed full of ardent affection. You failed to put words into what you were feeling, because evidently you had nothing on it from your catalog for inner feelings. Yoongi remains to hold onto you close, while continuing to walk on the streets under the heavy rain... And you yielded unto him.

The feeling was so foreign and novel that you were starting to feel scared. You are so afraid of the feeling of this unfamiliarity, and perhaps the thought of it that it might one day become … too familiar.

Suddenly it dawned on you, in this seemingly game of feelings like seesaw, he was now taking the leverage because you were starting to get your high.

And for the first time in years, you were unsure how this would turn out.

A/N: Ahhhh THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR GIVING TIME! I can finally share my song inspo for this  chapter. I know the lyrics isn’t appropriate to the story, but I was just vibing to this while I was watching this video when I was doing my cardio on a machine. I quickly thought of THAT scene and I was all too UwU the whole time. Anyway, hope you all have a great day! THANKING MY BETA READER FOR GIVING HER PRECIOUS TIME FOR THIS 🙃 love you! you know who you are 😉

#bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #Min Yoongi #min yoongi fanfic #min yoongi fan fiction #Min Yoongi x reader #bts min yoongi x you #Min Yoongi neighbors #fuck buddies to lovers #min yoongi x y/n #suga x reader #suga fanfic #bts suga x reader #suga x y/n #yoongi x reader #BTS smut #min yoongi smut #Yoongi smut #bts yoongi #bts smut #min yoongi x you #min yoongi x reader #suga x you #neighbors to lovers #Suga smut #Yoongi car sex

[nosferatvpussy]

distorted lullabies [chapter I]

Word count: 2,134 Warnings: none but please keep in mind this story will eventually delve into mature themes so go away if you’re not 18+ Pairing: Dracula x female reader

I’ll try posting a chapter per week. Any constructive criticism and feedback is very welcome (really, english is not my first language so I’ll take any help I can get). I’m waiting for ao3 to e-mail me an invitation so I can post it there, too. 

_______________________________________________________________

He heard her footsteps long before she knocked on his door.

He stood sat on his armchair with a book on his lap, waiting. A loud song reached his ears, making him tilt his head. Hm. Interesting how humans could go around now with a tiny appliance that played music directly in their ears. The gramophone had lost its appeal and the wealth associated with it. Now everybody on the street carried one of those metal and glass slabs with strings attached to it, bobbing their head to their song of choice.

She was humming along with the song as she walked down the corridor to his building. Shifting in his seat, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. A hint of perfume, coffee, strawberries and honey. Curious. Not a scent of her blood yet.

The clicking heels stopped as she paused the music and he rose. He took his time on the way to the door so she could adjust her belongings. Another deep intake of breath and he came to a halt, a sigh escaping his lips. 

Oh, intoxicating.

He found that this new era had brought exquisite new flavours to his taste, but this one… ah, she was a mix of old european blood, found only in the hidden depths of the Carpathian Forest, and the lovely nuance of modernity. That old saying, you are what you eat applied to her as well. Whatever she was in habit of eating or drinking heavily influenced her scent. A nice, well preserved and safely kept bottle of wine, just for him. It quickly overpowered all the other scents surrounding her.

Knock, knock.

Throwing his head back to try and regain his composure, he opened the door. The door handle dented beneath his hand upon laying eyes on her. He expected her to pretty but he was met with far more than that. 

“Yes?”, was all he could manage. 

“I’m Y/N L/N,” she said as if it were explanatory. He stared at her blankly. “Renfield sent me, I’m from the lawyer firm? I brought you some documents to review.” 

“Oh, yes, of course,” he stepped aside, opening one arm to invite her in and putting a smile on display. 

She peered at him from the corner of her eyes as she passed him, quickening her pace as he took another whiff. He would have to be more cautious so as to not scare her away. But if she did flee that would only make him chase her and he would drink her down too quickly, without any appreciation whatsoever. And what a crime that would be.

“I brought you a cell phone, as well. Renfield mentioned you were stripped of yours when you were taken to the Foundation.” She placed her bag on a chair and her briefcase on top of large center table of his flat. She had her back to him, giving an opportunity to analyse her.

The tight clothes and missing fabric was still something he had to get accustomed with but he wasn’t complaining. If anything, he quite liked the fashion of this century. 

The fact that he could see her stockings was outrageous, black with a seam running down the center of her legs. In his time, she would have been lynched for having her undergarments on display like that. The black high heels were a nice touch. And then the tight pencil skirt outlining her curves… It left just enough for his imagination. 

She turned around to see him standing there like a statue, the door still open. Ah, pity. How unfortunate that those shirts were still in fashion. He couldn’t recall the name humans gave it in this era and suddenly he hated it. The collar covered her neck entirely. In fact, now that he realized it the only skin showing on her body was on her face and hands. 

“Count? Are you alright?”

“Perfectly fine, my darling,” he replied, closing the door at last and swallowing down the saliva that had welled up in his mouth. He strode over to her, placing his hands on the chair closest to her. “I apologise for my manners. It has been awhile since I had a guest over, you must think me a terrible host. Please, take a seat. Unfortunately I have only water and wine to offer you.”

She looked derisively to the chair offered to her. Her lips fought a smile and he encouraged it by smiling in return, but, no, she refused to give it to him.

“Renfield was right,” she whispered under her breath but he caught it. Louder, she said “Thank you but I’ll stand. I’m in a hurry today. Don’t you worry about me,” she extended a white box with a picture of that metal slab on the front. A cell phone, she had said. “Here you go, there’s already a simcard in it, your new number is written in the back. I’ve taken the liberty to set it up for you. I placed Renfield’s number on speed dial should you need it, he’s registered as 6. You do know how to handle one of these, right?”

“I catch on fairly fast,” opening the box and retrieving the phone. “And if I need to contact you?” 

“You have no need to contact me. I’m simply running an errand for my boss,” she stated dryly, averting her eyes. “Here, if you could sign these for me to release the rest of your assets,” a pen was offered to him. He plucked it from her small fingers automatically.

It was not often that he met someone that resisted his charms. He could count on one hand, in fact. The Van Helsings, Johnny and now her. At the very least Agatha and Zoe held some interest in him and Johnny had made himself a hero waging vengeance against him - especially now with the Jonathan Harker Foundation.

But not her. Not one sliver of interest.

“Are you signing them or should I come back another da- evening?” she corrected herself, one hand on her hip and another raising to push her hair back. He caught a glimpse of the skin beneath her ear, paler than the rest of her.

He took his time signing each of the documents. When he was done, he gathered the papers in his hands, holding them flush against his chest so she wouldn’t get them and leave. She bit the insides of her cheeks, meeting his eyes with clear annoyance on them. Oh, fiesty. She was an impatient one. Maybe he had caught her on a bad day but he had a feeling she was always like this. He could not stop his smirk, which only made her heart beat faster in anger. 

“And if I want to contact you? I promise you I will make it worth your while.”

“I don’t do dates with clients.”

“I’m not your client.” 

That made her scoff.

“Right. You’re Renfield’s,” her eyes traveled up and down him, granting him a little satisfaction. “Still, I don’t do dates.”

“What if it’s not a date? I am new to London and I would appreciate if someone could show me the sights.”

“I’m not a tour guide,” she replied, her expression hardening. 

“No, you’re a lawyer.”

“I’m well aware. Can I have those back?”, one hand out to him with a raised eyebrow. 

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

Both of her hands went on her hips and she huffed, trying to make herself bigger as if she was demanding respect. The movement made her breasts press through her shirt, giving him a delightful sight. She grabbed her purse, swung it over her shoulder and proceeded to close her briefcase. 

“Fine. Keep them. I’m late to an appointment at court. I’m sure Renfield can send someone else to get those papers. In the meanwhile, enjoy life without all your money.”

“How insolent of you,” he shot back but he was smiling. He doubted she would address him like that if she knew just what he was.

“Yes I am. I don’t have time for games.” 

“This is isn’t a game.”

“Isn’t it? I see right through you. God, and you must think you’re so innovative with all the european sophistication. I bet you’re used to having women throwing themselves at you as soon as you mention you’re a Count.”

“Usually, I don’t have to mention it at all, in fact,” he intervened. She was about to continue but he carried on. “What was Renfield right about?”

Her eyes widened and her lips parted in surprise. He cocked an eyebrow, shaking the papers as if to say he would give them to her if she answered.

“That you are not from here and that you are old fashioned.”

Listening attentively to her heart and how it skipped a beat, he shook his head to the sides.

“That’s not all. What else?”

“He said that you would try and gain my affections.” 

The Count offered her the papers. 

“Perhaps I ought to change lawyers. He clearly speaks more about his own clients than he should. Would you be available?”

And with that she chuckled. Ah, so the façade could be broken… at least for a second. 

“I’m afraid I have a long list of clients at the moment, Count Dracula. If you commit a serious offense you may call on me to represent you,” she took the papers, her fingers briefly brushing against his cold skin. Her eyebrows furrowed but she was quick to conceal her startlement at his temperature.

She was walking to the door as she stuffed the papers inside her bag and he accompanied her.

“I might just murder someone to take you up on your offer,” he said from behind her, in a tone much more serious than he intended. Still, she laughed at that, the sound ringing through the room. 

He courteously opened the door for her and she turned on her heels, extending a hand for him. 

“I apologise for being rude before but I will not apologise for setting boundaries. I hope you understand that, Count. And if you do decide to murder someone make sure to hide the evidence so it will be a good case for us.”

“I will keep that in mind.”

He grinned at her and she smiled back but without the warmth he presented her. A large hand slipped into hers and she shuddered. Gazing down unto her eyes he shook her hand which made her smile grow more confident. She had started to loosen her grip but he held her firmly. He bent forward and his lips caressed the back of her hand. She stared at him the whole time as if hypnotized and for a moment he thought he had gotten her in the palm of his hand but then she blinked and cleared her throat. 

“Boundaries, Count Dracula, you should remember them if we meet again. Goodbye.”

“Bye now, my darling,” he called when she turned her back to him and started marching down the corridor, swaying her hips.

“Boundaries!” she repeated as she entered the elevator.

Before the doors closed he could swear he saw an amused glint in her eyes. 

The Count sat on his armchair again, the book now forgotten as he thought about Y/N. He was still indecisive about what to do with her. Simply draining her would not only be a waste of good blood but as well of character. 

She demanded respect with every step of her heels. He would bet that she could cower many men with that stare of hers. Dracula had never met many lawyers and those that he did meet were fascinating in different ways. Johnny was determined although slightly stupid. Renfield was a slave to his every wish. Should Dracula ask him to retrieve the fattest fish in the sea, the poor man would probably drown trying to get it. But she was an entirely different breed.

So strong-willed that it was a charm all on its own, without even striving for it to be as such. He had heard an expression on the television the other day that he thought might apply well to her - “my way or the highway”.

And such amazing beauty. Make up was far more popular in this century, he could tell, and he was quickly learning it could disguise many unwanted flaws but she used in such a way that it added to her beauty instead of covering it. 

Beautiful, impetuous, resolute… and a sense of humour that was surprisingly dark. 

Ah… She would make quite the bride if she could withstand the change. And if she did not, he would make sure to savour every curve and every last drop of blood in her body.

#dracula fanfic #bbc dracula #dracula 2020 #dracula2020 #dracula netflix #dracula bbc #draculabbc #bbcdracula #claes bang #draculafanfic #claes bang fanfic #dracula fanfiction #fanfic dracula #dracula x reader #vampire fanfic #vampire fanfiction #i am so sorry to all my followers who did not follow me to read dracula fanfic #but you can still join the party #distorted lullabies

[doctor-reid]

Undercover Secrets

MASTERLIST

Request from Anon: The reader is not part of the team, but works downstairs doing undercover work, but her specialist area is ... . Hotch asks her boss if anyone is in that area as it's related to a case JJ has brought to the team, and he says Y/N for a "one off case only". After a week, Y/N solves the case by herself, and when the team are having drinks at a pub nearby, Hotch asks Y/N's boss if she can join the team permanently. He originally says no, but comes around. Y/N says yes.During the case, Spencer develops a crush on Y/N and once she says yes, he asks her on a date which she says yes to.

A/N: The specialist area is completely made up and I don;t even know if it would work, but I had fun with it. Please don’t look too deeply into it. Also I really suck at writing case details and dialogue, please forgive me. ]

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (The request says she, but there are non pronouns in the writing)

Word Count: 1.8k

----------

You were walking to the elevator on the fourth floor. You have been requested to help work a case with the BAU. A request to help on a case was normal. After all, that was your specialty. But a request from the BAU? Something is up.

You are what they called an infiltrative agent. Each agent has an identity set up within a mob organization in the United States. You work with the Ukrainian gun runners. You’ve had this cover for years. Whenever there is a case that is suspected to be tied to this mob, you are brought in to investigate. You can go to any of the different clusters of this group and they will welcome you with open arms, 

You didn’t even know where or what the case was yet, but you were happy to help. Especially since that cute agent you like works for the BAU, Spencer Reid.  Maybe you will get to work with him for a bit.

You walked in moments before the briefing started. The first thing you noticed was Spencer. The only open seat was right next to him. This must be your lucky day. That is when Agent Hotchner walked in with Penelope Garcia. The briefing started, so you didn’t have any time to flirt with Dr. Reid. 

The case was definitely interesting. Women were being killed in Milwaukee. The killings have the same M.O. as some Ukrainian hit men, but there is a ritual that isn’t normal. So this is why they brought you in. It was most likely a member of the mob who was straying from the organization and killing on his own. If a hit man was going freelance, bodies were going to start dropping more rapidly.

The rest of the team was thinking the same thing.

“Agent Y/L/N, I assume you have a go bag ready?” Hotchner asked you.

“Yes, sir.” You gave him a little salute. When you did this, you thought you saw Spencer smile, but it may have just been your mind.

“Great, Wheels Up in 20.” With that, everybody started to pack up and leave the room. 

You were so excited. Sure, you got to travel sometimes to work a case, but this was different. The BAU was legendary. You were so lucky to get a chance to work with them. This could mean big things for your career. Not to mention, you got to work with the most attractive man in the building.

----------

You looked around the plane for a place to sit. There was a couch in the back that looked especially comfortable. You decided that was where you were going to sit for this flight. It was a mere coincidence that Spencer also wanted to sit there. This would give you a chance to talk to him. 

Along with being handsome, he was so smart. As the team talked about the case, he was adding in statistics and other facts that were relevant. Though every time he started to ramble, somebody would cut him off. You thought this was very rude. What if what he had to say was interesting. 

Either way, the secondary briefing and preliminary profile took up the majority of the time of the flight. This left almost no time to socialize with any of the team. Even though you were only here for one case, you wanted to make a good impression. Hopefully you might get invited back for other cases if they needed someone from your division. 

When you landed in Milwaukee, everybody split up. You joined Hotchner and JJ at the police station. Apparently you were going to help sort through mob files and start setting up case boards. If this was all you were going to do, this may be more boring that everyone let on. 

Eventually everyone else joined you. Everyone was just staring at case files and boards. You had to admit, you thought this was going to be more field work. Your job now was quite a bit in the field, so sitting around looking at files and talking about them just makes you feel antsy. Eventually a ringing cell phone broke the silence that had been lingering for a while now. 

“Hotchner,” he answered the phone. He stood there for a minute, just saying ‘okay’ every now and then. He hung up the phone and spoke to the team. “Another body was just found, I need two people to go check it out.”

You jumped up and volunteered to go. Anything to get out of this station for a while.

‘Great, Reid go with her. The rest of us will keep working here. Call and let us know what you found when you have something.” 

The two of you left the station and headed towards the SUV’s parked outside.

“Should I drive or do you want to?” you asked Spencer.

“I’m not a big fan of driving, so you can.” he replied curtly

You both got into the vehicle and headed to the crime scene. The car ride was silent. At the scene, Spencer spoke only when necessary. Even though you didn’t personally know him, you knew this was abnormal. You heard stories about him and his talkativeness. So why wasn’t he like that with you? Did he hate you or something? 

You couldn’t get the thought out of your head. Maybe you were undesirable. Maybe you were too loud or your personality was too off putting. No matter the reason, Spencer didn’t like something about you. He only talked or interacted with you whenever it was crucial. Otherwise, he would talk with other people. 

----------

A week came and went. The unsub was still killing women. Spencer still wouldn’t talk to you. Now sometimes he would leave a room when you walked in. This guy was an ass.

 You had no good leads, when suddenly that changed. There was something about the newest victim that was slightly different than the others.She was a Jane Doe, but you knew she had a six year old kid because of her hips.  None of the other victims were mothers. This could lead you to the killer. That along with the fact that she had the mob symbol tattoos on her shoulder gave you all the information you needed to know. You yelled for everybody on the team to join you in the conference room. As they came  in, you called Garcia.

“Universal wealth of knowledge, how may I help you?” she answered the phone.

“Is this Penelope Garcia, the tech analyst?”

“Yeah, what can i do for you?”

“I need you to look at birth records from six years ago in Milwaukee. ”

“That’s a lot of names, what else do you got?”

“Look at those where the mother was of Eastern European Descent. She either immigrated or is first generation.”

“I have 12 women.”

“Ok, how many of those also have a father of Eastern European Descent.”

“Only One. The father’s name is Borya Dyachenko. He has no known employment records, but oh wow.”

“What Garcia?”

“He lives in a huge house just outside of town. Sending you the address now.”

The team rushed out the door. They had only one goal in mind. Catch this bastard. 

Luckily they did catch him, and he was the unsub. That meant it was time to go home. You were excited for this. As much of a fun experience this was, it was also very tiring.

----------

You were all out for drinks the night after you got back. The case was tough and everybody needed to unwind. They invited you because you were crucial to the case and they genuinely enjoyed your company. Well most of them anyway. 

You were all sitting around laughing and having a good time when Morgan asked a question that addressed the elephant in the room.

“How did you know about the father being Eastern European as well?”

“It was quite simple actually. The tattoo on her back means she was part of the mob I go undercover with sometimes. I have the same tattoo.” You could feel Derek looking at you, trying to figure out where that tattoo was. “Anyway, mob members normally fraternize within the mob, which means we were looking at another man. Also the fact that she was the only one with ties to organized crime probably meant she was the real target all along. So I went with my gut.” 

“Well it was very impressive Y/N” Hotch spoke up. “ I talked to the director and they approved a transfer of you to the BAU, if you want it that is.” 

“Oh wow,” you sighed. “ How did you manage that?”

“I may have pulled a few strings. You have a lot of talent, and I think you could be a useful asset to this team.”

“I would love to join the team, but there is one person I have to talk to first.”

“Alright, just let me know.”

You walked over to the bar, where Spencer was standing. He was waiting on a drink. He noticed you and turned away. Luckily, you were faster and stopped him before he could get too far. 

“Hey,” you shouted as you pulled him towards you. “Have I done something to offend you?” His cheeks started to turn red. You figured this was anger rather than what it truly was, infatuation.

“No, not at all. Why?” He questioned as if he didn’t already know.

“Because you seem to be avoiding me and I was just offered a position on the team. If I take it, I need to know that I won’t be spending half my time avoiding you.”

“I’m not avoiding you for the reason you think Y/N.”

“Then why the hell are you doing this?” You were almost shouting at this point.

“Because I have a crush on you!” Now he was shouting. “I didn’t want it to affect anything so I just stayed away from you. Because I knew if I talked to you or got close to you, I wouldn’t be able to resist doing this.”

In one swift motion, he grabbed your head in his hands and pulled you toward him. He hungrily kissed you.It was a welcome surprise on your part.  It wasn’t long before you pushed into him, making the kiss more heated and passionate. His hands were tangled in his hair and yours in his. Eventually, he pulled back from the kiss.

“You should take that position.” he whispered

“Sounds like a plan” you smirked

“Do you want to go get some coffee?”

“That sounds amazing Spencer, let’s go.”

He held your hand in his as you both walked out the door. Office romances normally weren’t your thing. But this time, it definitely was.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x gender neutral reader #spencer reid x reader #cm #BAU #Allireid fanfic

[thegodlessqueen]

DYNASTY

A few slightly dark HC’s about each member of the bloodline of the Emeritus, from an individual point of view, because why not?

Nihil - Sin of greed. 

An authoritarian, ambitious, distant and frequently unreachable individual. Nihil was known for his intense, nearly obsessive desire for wealth, power, and influence, he wanted to make of the church a powerful, fear-inducing institution, which as the leader of it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but often resulted in him driven by anger, frustration and disappointment as his standards of what the church should be were mostly unreachable, he often said ‘’I want to go down in the history of the ministry''.

 Though he can be kind and gentle if it fits his mood, he often is described as a ''difficult'' and ''unreasonable'' individual by his children, especially because, regardless of what he or any of his sons could accomplish in their reign, it was never enough for his ambitions.

Emeritus I - Sin of pride.

By far the voice of reason in his family. Wise beyond his years and ever so hungry for knowledge, the first of the Emeritus had a mind as deep as the bottomless sea and a tongue as sharp as a blade, besides an incredible talent for arcane arts and occultism, which often compensated his fragile, thin figure and questionable health.

 He was a powerful sorcerer and even better diplomat, who rewarded loyalty and hard work, and punished ignorance and indolence, unfortunately, he wasn't particularly social nor open to others opinions, regardless of how much he accomplished in his papacy, his arrogance often eclipsed his achievements, his pride and inflexibility made his followers and himself fall often under the weight of his own ego. Truth is... as the first of the Emeritus, the expectations that the clergy and his family had on him were nearly the double that his brothers ever had to endure, he was Nihil’s first child after all, and there was an army of highly-positioned members of the church that wanted to tear him to pieces to take his place, but they could only watch in anger as he looked down upon them, when his father demanded respect from him to the high clergy, he only responded:

''I'm Emeritus the first, leader of this church and rightful heir to the title, i will not bow for them.''

Emeritus II - Sin of wrath.

A strong, independent, and brave men. Disciplined and with nearly impenetrable self-confidence, Emeritus the second trusted himself and his own strength before anything and anybody else, he was known between other things for being an extremely gifted leader, with a strong sense of duty and an intimidating presence, unbendable under the weight of the church... but with a disastrous lack of mercy or empathy. 

He was the embodiment of fury, not as an inability to control his temperament, but as someone with absolutely no fear to show cruelty or brutality, he had zero tolerance for rebellion and enjoyed crushing the spirit of his detractors into submission, his methods were often viewed as severe and crude and his papacy was perceived by the faithful more like a tyranny. Allegedly he was Nihils favorite, as the old patriarch often mistook the fear of his son's followers by respect.

''If I want them to fear me...? Yes, because they should... i want them to bow before me, i want them to know that i will not doubt to destroy them if they are ever to challenge me, for what is a leader who not only inspires respect but a little bit of fear in the hearts of his followers?'' 

Emeritus III - Sin of lust.

The day that Emeritus the third assumed the title... the whole church stood in awe and held its breath... as it seemed like finally, the mitre had felled on the head of a perfect fit. The third of the brothers, regardless of his young age, seemed to have inherited all the kindness and sympathy that his older siblings lacked,  he was awfully charismatic, gentle and patient, loved especially by the younger members of the church, the type of person that could have the whole world on its knees, and under the close guidance of his older brothers, he could have been the best leader in a lifetime... until he got bored... 

After being forced by his father to take the title of papa, something seemed to switch in the mind of the young leader. He was horrendously manipulative, using his charms to get away with whatever he wanted. He was reckless, irresponsible and totally oblivious of his duties as the head of the church, ''an entitled brat'' as described by others, often defiant to any figure of authority, he seemed more interested in gambling, partying, extravagant fashions and carrying a dangerously lascivious way of living, this caused the adoration of the younger and wilder side of the church, but total abhorrence of the higher clergy as they saw no end to the young papa insatiable appetite for debauchery, and from their perspective, positioned the church into a humiliating position. 

''Does it comes as a surprise for you? i never failed to show that the crown that my father has forced me to wear interest me none. He and the clergy chained me to a throne, and could not care less of whatever i had to say, well... now i can't care less about anything that they have to say...’’

What's up my dear filthy sinners? here are some headcanons that nobody asked for about... i dunno, their personalities? the whole fanart started because i want to make them look like in one of those old Edwardian-era family photos where everybody looks sad or angry. 

Their clothing is supposed to more or less reflect their individual characteristics, for example, Nihil looks like a mob boss, E1 outfit is like supposed to look like  a high born early 19th-century guy (he likes bolo ties, fight me), E2 outfit is supposed to resemble the royal navy uniforms of the same era, and E3 is a slightly more modern take of E1 outfit with a little bit of victorian fashion splashed around, hope u guys liked it.

#Ghost #ghost fanart #ghost headcanons #papa emeritus i #papa emeritus ii #papa emeritus iii #papa nihil #GodlessQueenArt #papa II looks like he is ready to invade France lol

[monicalorandavis]

I saw ‘Knives Out’ a week ago and I’m still reeling

I saw ‘Knives Out’ a week ago and I’m still reeling. This movie is fun and I simply won’t talk to anyone who disagrees! I don’t want to argue about its merits. It’s good.

Your issue is, I presume, an issue with what the film says about the upper class. Go on, sympathize for the horrible, rich family that represents all that is ugly with America. Feel bad for the racist gargoyles who are equal parts human and checking account. These people are snobs. They are snob dumpster fires and if you didn’t have fun roasting them then you and I are on different sides of the war.

What war you ask? I guess I’ll call it the culture war (though that’s not really it). I’m talking about the current (unannounced) civil war between those who think Trump is getting unfairly maligned and us, the ones who are looking back on this shameful era ten years down the line, explaining to our kids what the fuck happened in 2019. This is bad. Art should make fun of us. Our obsession with fame and fortune has gotten us into global laughing stock territory. So let’s allow for art to poke fun as the bullshit of America. Art should be a reflection of our ugly parts. We all must look in the mirror when we try on a bathing suit. This is that. I choose not to place blame on the world for my muffin top. It’s funny. I’m gonna still have fun with this muffin, and this film, even if it doesn’t make me feel amazing. Laughing at yourself exorcises the demons. We still need art to encourage our spiritual progress. Don’t be such a stick in the mud.

So, now that I’ve sorted that out, the film...

It’s good.

Now let’s focus on the acting which is, arguably, always my favorite part of any movie.

Didn’t we all revel in the Yosemite Sam impression Daniel Craig was doing with New Orleans private investigator, Benoit Blanc? Wasn’t Lakeith Stanfield playing the slightly oblivious police detective while his partner fangirled over Christopher Plummer a treat?

It was.

In a society so obsessed with celebrity, it was especially delightful to watch the investigators reckon with people who simply did not believe they had to play by the rules. They don’t have to partake in police questioning. They have people for that!

Only, they do have to partake in police questioning and their lack of experience in dealing with authority figures, like the police, made them particularly horrible witnesses. They quite enjoyed a wonderfully anonymous type of wealth, free from press and the quotidian boredom of bosses, day jobs, rules...you get it. The Thrombey’s do not handle inconvenience very well.

As a result, we delight in their misfortune. This move dripped with Agatha Christie meets Succession realness. Plus subtle notes of Rupaul’s Drag Race camp.

Yes, I admit, Benoit Blanc is no Hercule Poirot. All these mystery purists coming for ‘Knives Out’ best fall back with those comparisons because it’s simply unfair. Christie’s number one Belgian is too good for mere mortals to emulate. And Daniel Craig tried very, very hard to give you an iconic detective character. Was it goofy and weird? Yes. Let’s all agree to move on.

And the moving on is a larger lesson here. Because only when you surrender to this film does it reveal all its gifts to you. Once you stop comparing it to all the other stories you hold so dear does it grow into its own animal. It’s a mystery for the age in which we find ourselves. I will not slander the p.c. police because, hell, I’m sort of one of them. Social justice warrior is not an insult that rustles my feathers. Interestingly, this film joins the SJW’s alongside the Stephen Miller’s of the world. White privilege is white privilege. And, unfortunately, the Thrombey’s, both young and old, liberal and conservative, are victims of their privilege. So blind to the plight of others, they can not help but make themselves the heroes of their own story. And people don’t like the thought that they, like the film’s youngest SJW of the family, Katherine Langford, could be part of the problem. And yet, she is. She so is.

Langford delivers a knockout performance of Taylor Swift-level white feminism that is so 2019 and clueless that I imagine many people even missed the joke.

Along those same lines, Chris Evans is the playboy, black sheep of the family who seems misunderstood and sexy but, spoiler alert, is just conniving and sexy.

Both performances were stellar and so deeply entrenched in modern white identity politics that if you’re not paying attention you might assume that their characters are just your standard rich villains. Nay. These are the “good white people” who are behaving badly. These are the white people who donate to charities and hire undocumented workers like Ana de Armas’ character, Marta. They are people who listen to rap music and love ‘Insecure’ and took an African-American studies class in college. And yet, they demand attention and emotional labor from the (employed) people around them. They distort proximity with closeness and try to lure Marta into their world. But she always knows better. For whatever reason, she can not trust these people, even before Harlan’s death.

Rian Johnson directs with a certain je ne sais quoi. Call it a ‘BDE’ that I would not expect from such a dweeby looking dweeb. Yes, ‘Knives Out’ has a fun enough story. But it really shows the fuck out is with its performances. Holy moly. No small roles, only small actors, as the saying goes. Yet in the case of ‘Knives Out’ you will find neither. Everybody is a god damn star. You should know that I stan Chris Evans but, as it turns out, this film begs you to worship its entire cast. So I did.

‘Knives Out’ is a star-making performance for Ana de Armas. If you hadn’t heard, de Armas garnered a Golden Globe nod and it is well-deserved. Armas’ Marta is a nuanced, funny, sensitive, conspirator in a plot that could’ve isolated the audience but instead put us smack dab in the middle of a moral quagmire.

Only the best actors can pull this off. Lesser actors have us turn against them while they flounder. Marta’s role in the family drama is as an outsider. In spite of their insistence that she is one of them, she keeps her distance, only clinging to Harlan. She fell for Chris Evans’ charms briefly, and I applaud Rian Johnson for avoiding a romance between the two (we didn’t need it) and focusing instead on the emotional betrayal. Marta was a woman with her head screwed on straight. In spite of her, possible, nursing fumbles she was the only kind person Harlan had in his life. She would never risk her loyalty to him by engaging in some foolishness with Chris Evans’ hunky ass.

And I repeat, I don’t care about your thoughts regarding inheritance. It is silly to contest that Marta deserved nothing less than the full sum of the fortune (*spoiler*). She deserved everything. She deserved an existence in this country free from citizenship anxiety. She deserved a partner who loved her. She deserved a friend who didn’t kill himself to save her ass. Least of all, she deserved Chris Evans’ character to be better. But, he was a product of his shitty family. How could he be better?

Three names: Jamie. Lee. Curtis. I need her in at least seven to twelve projects in the coming year. She is a stand out among stand outs. She serves up the quintessential performance of a cold-hearted bitch that is so likeable that I will patiently await the spin-off. I need to know where her Linda Drysdale is now. If anyone in the family was able to land on their feet it was Linda. We all know it.

Linda was the only Thrombey child who had the guts to make it without a handout. Her loser husband, played by the ever-handsomer Don Johnson, was practically useless. Her loser brother, played by the unusually diminutive Michael Shannon, was the same. Her sister in law, played by the illustrious Toni Collette, had her head so far up her own ass that even Gwyneth Paltrow would blush.

Poor Linda. She was surrounded by idiots. I hope she’s doing ok.

And now, we’re at the end. I’ve tried my best to avoid any horrible spoilers. But I’ve also taken a deep dive into SJW’s so I might’ve gotten off track along the way...

In any event, this movie is good. And I can’t wait to see it again.

#knives out #christopher plummer #ana de armas #jamie lee curtis #don johnson #rian johnson #lakeith stanfield #mystery #agatha christie #hercule poirot #daniel craig

[eggoreviews]

My Top 15 Bosses in Games

Bosses are fun and great, most of the time. And often, they can make or break a game for me, which means my favourite games often have the most entertaining, impactful boss battles with high emotional stakes or just pure spectacle. Because I couldn’t pick just 10, here’s my top 15 bosses that really left a mark on me. Enjoy!

This list is probably gonna be a little weird, because it’s purely my opinion. Also, spoilers below for all the games I mention.

15. Donkey Kong (Super Mario Odyssey)

Admittedly, this is stretching the definition of the term ‘boss’, but if DK from back in the 80s can be counted as a boss, then so can this. For me, this was the best moment in all of Odyssey, which in itself seemed to be a love letter to the legacy of both 2D and 3D Mario. This retro throwback, complete with the classic 2D run-and-jump platforming from the original Donkey Kong, is amazing with the huge Metro Kingdom festival in the background and the soaring Jump Up, Superstar accompanying it. This seamless marrying of old and new proved to be my favourite part of this game, and made Odyssey one of my favourite platformers in general.

14. Void Termina (Kirby Star Allies)

I know this is a really unpopular opinion, but I personally loved Kirby Star Allies for a lot of reasons. I loved the graphics, the characters, the smooth, simple and fun gameplay, how polished and unique each section of the game was, not least the huge space section at the game’s conclusion and of course the free updates adding a wealth of new content and characters. And at the very end, you take on this thing, Void Termina, in a massive space arena. Above everything else, this is just dizzy, colourful fun and is a great culmination of everything the game’s been building up to since the first level. You spend the fight switching between firing wildly at Void Termina from your rainbow ship thing and fighting parts of the monster from the inside. As I’ve said, this made for a satisfying conclusion to an amazing platformer for me and more than earns its spot on my list.

13. Mirelurk Queen (Fallout 4)

I remember the pure shock I felt for a hot second the moment the Mirelurk Queen decided to rear its head for the first time. For the record, I’m talking specifically about the Queen that shows up when taking the Castle for the Minutemen. Seeing this hulking thing looming even above the castle walls is something that genuinely intimidated me, especially as early into my playthrough as I was, and it took a lot of my supplies (and a lot of attempts) to finally pump enough bullets into it to kill it. The frantic panic of sprinting around the ruins of the Castle trying to avoid the giant Mirelurk’s blasts of acid and keeping enough distance to stay safe balanced a good amount of difficulty with spectacle and stayed with me long after I put the game down.

12. Griffin (The Witcher III: Wild Hunt)

I’ve made it clear on my blog before that I didn’t have a standout experience with The Witcher III as a whole, but to say it didn’t have some spectacular moments is pretty much an insult. In particular, Geralt’s first throwdown with the massive griffin terrorising White Orchard was a brilliantly intense and strategic fight that greatly utilised the game’s smooth combat system and made full use of Geralt’s many abilities. I find that the game really shone most of all while in combat, maintaining a great level of intensity with balanced difficulty and a soaring soundtrack that always makes the battle experience even more memorable. Plus, look how awesome this thing looks.

11. El Luchador (Rayman Legends)

The end boss of a world in my favourite platformer of all time based entirely on the Mexican tradition of the Day of the Dead, this particular boss fight encapsulates everything I adore about this game. Fun, tight platforming, colourful and memorable design, a great soundtrack and controls that function perfectly. You spend this boss fight finding new and creative ways to bounce on this giant wrestler’s head in front of an audience of cheering skeletons as the manic soundtrack intensifies with each round of the fight. This fight, and this entire game, combines fun and creativity masterfully and I’d urge basically anyone to play it.

10. The Archdemon (Dragon Age: Origins)

Part of what makes the climactic battle with the Archdemon so memorable is how perfectly the game pulls off the intense build-up that lasts the entire plot and then still delivers an epic payoff. The Archdemon is almost straight away set up as a genuine threat that looms over everything you do in Origins and the success of your eventual showdown with the Archdemon is based entirely on your strategies and choices throughout the game. Who you manage to recruit, what races you have fighting on your side and, most importantly, which companions you take with you into the finale will all have a huge impact on your fight. And oh boy, the Archdemon is just as hulking and terrifying when you finally get to take him on. This fight is probably the most universally recognised great on my list and still stands out as one of the best RPG finales to date.

9. Marguerite (Resident Evil VII: Biohazard)

Resident Evil 7 is a truly terrifying, if fairly brief, foray into horror that Capcom haven’t quite managed since the series’ fourth entry. And I felt that the main fight with the Baker family’s deranged mother Marguerite deserves a place on this list for the raw terror it creates alone. Just when you think you’re getting used to the horrors of the Baker estate, the game ushers you into a claustrophobic greenhouse and locks the door behind you. After a jumpscare that will make you lose your shit, you’ve got to somehow dispatch this horrifying, unhinged bug woman who’s screaming obscenities and crawling on the walls and ceilings to pounce on you and spawning endless poisonous insects from the weird egg sac between her legs. As if that wasn’t awful enough, most of the time, you don’t even know where the hell she is, as she has a rather unsavory habit of crawling off into little alcoves and into walls, out of your sight, so you’re forced to frantically search around in the darkness in an attempt to spot her before she jumps on you. No other boss fight has elicited this kind of fear from me, so on that merit alone, it’s earned its spot.

8. Daud (Dishonored)

The climactic clash with the man that killed your character’s love interest, the empress, and was directly involved in framing you for her murder is just as brilliantly satisfying as you’d expect. For the first time in the game, the protector turned assassin Corvo is finally forced to take on someone who can wield the same supernatural powers he can, which makes a battle with high emotional stakes that really allows you to see the glaring similarities between Corvo and Daud. On top of this, with Daud being voiced by Michael Madsen, his provocative, yet thoughtful dialogue throughout the battle makes you think while you fight and gives you a much deeper insight into Daud’s character and helps you decide whether you’ll choose to show him mercy or not, especially during his eloquent plea for mercy at the fight’s end. As for the fight itself, it’s fast-paced and intense, while encouraging you to make full use of Corvo’s arsenal of weapons and powers to beat him back. But most impressive is the sheer difference in experience depending on whether you’ve chosen the path of merciful low chaos or murderous high chaos throughout the game, with Daud in low chaos being much more willing to offer a fair fight rather than sending his goons out after you. In a game full of changes to the world and story depending on your choices, some huge and some extremely subtle, this fight with the empress’ assassin is a truly standout moment in a brilliant game. Oh, and if you end up playing the DLCs where you take control of Daud, another emotional layer is added when you realise just how much Daud has done to save the empress’ daughter, even when on the surface he seems to be just another of Dishonored’s many despicable villains.

7. Stained Glass Demon (MediEvil: Resurrection)

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a huge MediEvil fan, specifically the oddly maligned PSP version that I personally think is amazing. For me, this charmingly gothic action platformer has a hell of a lot of high points, but the fight early on the game with the Stained Glass Demon in particular is as cool as it sounds. The game totally embraces its gothic atmosphere in this section, with the protagonist Sir Daniel Fortesque being trapped within a textbook creepy mausoleum full of undead things, and something in the giant stained glass window that seems to be very alive. Eventually fighting this thing really tests you on what you’ve learned up to this point, meaning that full use of the weapons you’ve gathered is basically essential if you want to beat this weird demon that uses glass as its main attack. By merit of how uniquely amazing this boss fight is, as well as the game it hails from, this particular demon is one of my absolute favourite boss fights.

6. David (The Last of Us)

While this isn’t a boss fight in the traditional sense, it is a gritty, tense face off with the game’s only real central villain. You play as the hardened but still terrified Ellie as you carefully navigate a restaurant while David searches for you with very murderous intent, his monologues only serving to make the experience even more chilling. With each strategic hit you manage to land, David becomes more and more enraged, searching the restaurant with more fervor with each hit you deal, eventually setting the building on fire. The tension that’s been building through the whole encounter reaches boiling point as you watch the fire slowly begin to envelop the whole room and Ellie finally catches him offguard long enough to brutally kill the deranged man with his own machete. Everybody knows how amazing this game is, and this unorthodox fight in particular stood out as a great character display and a masterclass in building tension, to only then be immediately followed by Joel and Ellie’s emotional reunion that definitely tugs at your emotions. The Last of Us has always been a must-play and this moment serves as one of many reminders that it definitely still is.

5. Xaldin (Kingdom Hearts II)

Probably the hardest boss fight on this list and also that I’ve ever had to do in general (yes that means I’ve never played Dark Souls), I initially wrote this whole fight off as total bullshit, as I figured there was no way outside of blind luck to finish this with any sort of skill. And admittedly, luck is a factor here, with Xaldin’s constant and dizzying attacks taking a hell of a long time to work out the patterns for than most other fights in the game. He’s pretty much constantly in your face, knocking off huge chunks of your health bar in one go, so it quickly becomes a mad dash for survival as you run around the castle courtyard trying desperately to find an opening. One thing I’ve always loved about Kingdom Hearts, despite how needlessly complicated most of its entire concept is, is the consistently smooth, fun combat system, that allows for many different styles of play and rewards experimentation with different abilities and magic. Nowhere does this come out more in one of the game’s many creative boss fights, most notably for me the clash with this particular member of Organization 13.

4. Morag (Dragon Quest IX: Sentinels of the Starry Skies)

This is probably my weirdest pick on the list, as in reality Morag is a fairly inconsequential boss fight in a game that most people regard as one of the worst in the Dragon Quest series. But DQ9 is one of my absolute favourite games of all time, and this boss fight in particular is tied to one of the most emotionally charged storylines I’ve experienced in an RPG. Towards the start of the game, you’re tasked with killing the Wight Knight, a supposedly evil knight that’s been terrorising a local town, specifically the town’s princess. Upon beating him, you discover that he was cursed by the witch Morag to remain with her in the ruined town of Brigadoom after falling in love with him. The princess that the knight had fallen for died in the intervening 500 years, leading his grief to cloud his judgment and he began to pursue the princess of a different town that looked almost exactly like her. In order to put his spirit to rest, the princess of the town realises who and what the knight is, and comes to Brigadoom to give him the dance he never got to have with the woman he knew 500 years ago. Okay, might be a little cliche, but this really oofed me and I thought this whole plotline was brilliantly executed, much like every other emotional moment that this game is packed with. As a whole, this boss fight, while inconsequential, is intrinsically linked to a heavily emotional subplot and is a hidden gem in an often overlooked, but amazing RPG.

3. Goro Akechi (Persona 5)

I almost gave this spot to the ever satisfying takedown of Kamoshida, but this fight just beats him out for pure emotional stakes alone. Goro Akechi is a tragic character who was horribly mistreated throughout much of his life, but at some point in his life, he made a conscious choice to become what he was. While the phantom thieves sympathise with his plight and the people that aided in him becoming the murderer that he was, they know they can’t get through to him and their only choice is to fight him off. The boss fight itself is suitably epic, with the now clearly unhinged Akechi throwing his full might at your party, but there’s still a part of you that doesn’t want to keep fighting. And that’s what makes this whole section so interesting, as your main character begins to understand that Akechi in reality is a twisted reflection of the thieves and what they could very easily become should they lose their way. And Akechi’s eventual realisation that this is the case then prompts him to make the ultimate sacrifice in the end, as his loyalties waver when he realises his father never planned to keep him around anyway. There’s a lot to unpack in this particular fight and has a lot more emotional layering to it than most other fights in the game, and it’s very rare to say that about any boss fight. Persona 5 is a spectacular experience from start to end and the effect Akechi’s final stand had was one of its most memorable moments.

2. Asriel Dreemurr (Undertale)

A once underrated indie gem that has since basically become a gaming icon in the years since, how much I absolutely love Undertale still hasn’t wavered. And in a game with a wonderfully creative combat system and therefore full of great bosses, the pacifist route’s final fight takes the crown for me. It’s the perfect culmination of everything you’ve experienced throughout Undertale, giving you a brilliant soundtrack and the opportunity to save each and everyone of the friends you’ve made along the way, followed by Asriel himself. The story of Asriel and the first human who fell into the underground is a deeply tragic one, and Asriel himself is a character stricken with grief that has distorted into anger and an obsessive desire to wield godlike power and all of this combines to make you really feel for who you’re fighting, which makes it all the more satisfying to help him come to his senses at the very end. This incredibly intense, but endlessly satisfying battle ends off with an emotional sequence of the real Asriel realising the hate in his actions and redeeming his actions by opening the barrier while he’s still himself to let monsters go free. This ending gets me everytime and there’s some wonderful themes buried in here somewhere, so the significance of this particular character and his final showdown can’t be understated.

Before I cry talking about my top pick, here’s (a lot) more I really love:

Master Hand (Super Smash Bros. series)

Lord Fredrik (Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze)

Yuga (The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds)

Yellow Devil (Mega Man)

Gohma (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

Delilah Copperspoon (Dishonored 2)

Xion (Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days)

Bebuzzu (Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales)

Zinyak (Saints Row IV)

Alduin (The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim)

Bowser (Super Mario Bros. 3)

1. Calamity Ganon/Dark Beast Ganon (The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild)

It probably stands to reason that my favourite boss fight came out of my favourite game. Much like the rest of Breath of the Wild, this finale left a huge impact on me and I absolutely adored all of it. After fighting your way through the ruined Hyrule Castle (which, as a sidenote, is also awesome), you finally see the horrible monstrosity you’ve been building up to fighting for the entire game and it looks as freaky as it should. Before the fight kicks off, each champion you’ve rescued makes a cameo to help you out and then, you’ve got to fend for yourself. This spectacular boss fight does everything a boss should do; it tests you on everything you’ve learned and gathered throughout the entire game, maintains a great level of emotional stakes and, most importantly, gives you a fitting finale to arguably the best adventure game ever made. Everything is topped off with a horseback battle with a giant creature form of Ganon that covers the whole of Hyrule Field (which at that point, honestly does intimidate you) in one final push to seal Ganon away. You truly feel that this is what your grand adventure has been leading up to and the sense of genuine accomplishment you feel when Ganon falls and Link finally reunites with Zelda in real life after spending all this time regaining his treasured memories of her combines that sense of accomplishment with vast emotional depth. Everything about Breath of the Wild absolutely blew me away and this wonderful ending really could not have been better. The long awaited final battle against Ganon, after experiencing everything that happened to Link and the champions after losing so tragically to Ganon a century ago, as well as the brilliantly handled subtle romance between Link and Zelda, makes this my absolute favourite boss fight, and game ending in general, of all time.

So that’s my list! Hope you agreed with at least some of my picks, or at the very least could sort of see where I was coming from. Got any great boss fights of your own that top your list? Let me know! And big thank you for reading. Have a gr8 day.

#super mario #mario #loz #the legend of zelda #botw #breath of the wild #kirby #undertale #fallout #persona #persona 5 #the witcher #dragon quest #rayman #dragon age #resident evil #dishonored #medievil #the last of us #kingdom hearts #gaming #games #nintendo

[ohmygoodnessgraciouss]

Can u do a fic where Natasha Romanoff meets the batfam?

Masterlist

Sure can!  This was kind of hard to write at first just because I wasn’t sure what direction I wanted to take it.  Hope you enjoy it!

It was supposed to be a simple job, in and out, and she could leave Gotham City.  As it turns out, everything in Gotham was so much more complicated than any alien attack in New York.  Natasha Romanoff was placed on a mission in Gotham to work with the infamous vigilantes.  Batman, Oracle, Robin, Nightwing, and the Red Hood.  S.H.I.E.L.D knew exactly who they were, so there was plenty of information for Natasha to read up on prior to the mission.  She knew that this would be like dealing with the Avengers.  

~

As soon as she entered the city, she was immediately welcomed with rain and cold temperatures.  It was like the complete opposite of the bright and sunny New York.  She was shocked to see such a difference in the climates considering the two cities were only an hour and a half apart from each other.  It was like a quick helicopter trip to Gotham.  

She made her way to a taxi that led her to Wayne Manor.  She had to meet with the Wayne family, also known as the vigilantes, and discuss the mission with them.  It was supposed to be straight-forward, but she knew it’d be much more complicated than that.  

“Hello Miss Rushman,” Alfred, the butler, greeted her.  She gave him a small smile.  

“Good afternoon.  I’m here to discuss some plans with Mr. Wayne, I was sent by my boss,” She explained cooly.  S.H.I.E.L.D wanted her to keep quiet about who she is to everybody except the Waynes.  

“Of course, come right in.  Master Wayne is in his office right now, I’ll make sure he’s ready to discuss with you.”  Alfred walked off to a wing of the Manor.  Natasha took this time to look around the room.

It looked elegant compared to the rest of the city.  It was right by the border, signifying the beginning of Gotham.  It was a landmark similar to the former Stark Tower.  The only difference is that this showed class and wealth when Tony made his tower to be arrogant and obnoxious.  

The chandelier hung from the ceiling, staying incredibly still.  The lights on it were shining brightly, lighting up the entire room.  Across the walls were portraits of the Waynes.  Martha, Bruce, and Thomas were at the center of the wall farthest away from her.  Next to the painting were staircases leading to the second floor.  Natasha had to admit, it was gorgeous.  

“He’ll be with you shortly,” Alfred stated as he popped in.  Natasha thanked him with a smile and he walked away.  She sat down on one of the chairs in the center, trying to look as proper as possible.  She figured she wouldn’t have to hold that pose for long if they’re anything like the dimwits she usually works with.

Bruce Wayne walked into the room after only a few seconds with one of his infamous playboy smiles on his face.  "Miss Romanoff, a pleasure.“ He held his hand out for her to shake.

She smiled as she stood up, shaking his hand in the process.  "The pleasure is all mine, Mister Wayne.  I’m assuming your sons will be here shortly?  Director Fury told me they would be helping us with the mission.”

“Of course, they should be here-” A crash was heard while he was talking- “At any moment.”

“What was that?”  She asked him.

“Knowing them, that would be Dick and Jason coming in at this moment,” He smiled almost sheepishly.  

“I’m just saying if you threaten the bad guy by flipping him off literally while doing a backflip they’re not going to care!” Natasha heard the one man yell as he walked in with another.  He was taller than the other by a few inches and a had a strip of white hair in the front.  She had no doubt that this was Jason Todd, also known as the Red Hood or the second Robin.

“You don’t know that until you’ve tried it!” The other man angrily said.  He had black hair like Jason’s and looked slightly older than him.  Natasha assumed he was Richard Grayson, also known as Nightwing or the first Robin.  He had a grin on his face as he spoke.  It was clear the two saw each other as brothers even if Jason claimed that Bruce had never been a father-figure for him after he died.

“Dick, Jason, meet Natasha Romanoff.  You may know her as the Black Widow who fought in the Battle of New York a few years ago,” Bruce said, completely ignoring their bickering.  

“A pleasure to meet you, Miss Romanoff,” Dick said, trying to be formal in front of Bruce.  

“Ah, yes, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss Romanoff,” Jason greeted the woman, using an exaggerated accent to mock Bruce.

“The Red Hood and Nightwing, nice to meet you as well.  I’ve heard a lot about you two,” She stated.  

“You have?!”  Jason exclaimed, revealing his boyish side.  It was obvious to all that he was a fan of the Avengers, and especially a fan of Black Widow.  He remembered watching the Battle of New York on live television, admiring her fighting style and her accuracy with guns.  

“Of course.  S.H.I.E.L.D has files on all of you, including Damian Wayne.” As she finished her sentence, Tim Drake and Damian walked into the room as well.  

“Miss Romanoff, I’m Damian Wayne.”  He held his hand out for her to shake.  She smiled at the young man and shook his hand.  "I have heard many good things about you from my mother, Talia al Ghul.  She respected you.  You may remember her from a mission in Moscow a few years ago.“  

"I remember her.  She was very talented.  I’m sorry to hear of her passing.”  Natasha remembered hearing Talia’s death from friends she had in the League of Assassins.  Damian nodded in acknowledgment.

Tim Drake helped Barbara Gordon roll in on her wheelchair, ready to meet the spy.  "So this is Natasha,“ Barbara smiled, "It’s so nice to meet you!  I’m Barbara.  I’ve seen a lot about you from the Battle of New York.”

“It’s a pleasure, Barbara.  And you must be Tim,” She commented, looking up at the man.  His hair was wild and it looked like he had bags under his eyes.  It was obvious to everyone that he hadn’t slept in a long time.  

“That I am.  Did Bruce tell you a lot about me?” He grinned.

“I read your file.  I’m impressed by your work, Tim.  Especially considering you could figure out who Batman is.”  

Tim blushed lightly.  "It was nothing.“

"Well, now that everyone is here.  Let’s get started then,” Bruce smiled, “Shall we?

~

The mission went well, but it led to Jason and Natasha having to work carefully to take down the drug lord.  Natasha had her guns ready along with Jason.  "Are you ready?”  She asked him.  He nodded, cocking his pistol.  

They had a small countdown before revealing themselves to the men with guns in the warehouse.  They were hiding behind crates filled with drugs before firing at the guards.  The guards didn’t have a chance to look before they were shot.  With both Jason and Natasha’s precision, they were taken down quickly.  

The drug lord turned around quickly, shocked by the sudden actions.  He pulled out his AK-47 quickly, but Dick, who was hiding in a vent, quickly climbed out and knocked the gun out his hands.  The man stumbled and Tim hit him with his staff, knocking him out.  Bruce glided down, examining the crates.  

“There are about twenty crates of heroin, cocaine, and an assortment of other drugs here.  Barbara, contact Jim about this.  Stryker is down.” He turned off his comms and glanced over to Natasha and Jason. “Thanks for your help.”

Natasha nodded and Jason rolled his eyes.  Jason was more interested in talking to Natasha more.  This was the closest he has ever been to being in love with someone.  She was incredible with a gun, could flirt with anyone and get information from them, and she could beat them to a pulp.  He was like a teenage boy fawning over the preppy girl all over again.  

Bruce thanked the others as well while Jim arrived on the scene.  There were dozens of red and blue lights flashing through the windows of the warehouse.  Jim and several other officers walked in, guns raised in case there was anyone else.  "Thanks, Batman, and, “ He looked around the room, glancing at everyone, "And company.”

~

Natasha smiled as she watched Barbara and Tim work together in the Batcave.  They were showing her something they were able to hack into.  Right as they thought that they got into the system, it shut down, causing them to groan in frustration.  "We were almost there!“  

Natasha chuckled a little before looking into the computer.  She glanced over the codes, figuring out what went wrong.  "You both made minor mistakes that cost it.  Barbara, you placed this input,” She pointed at a set of letters and numbers, “Into a place where you should’ve put the results of the input.  Tim, you missed a number in the password to hack the firewall.  Remember, it’s the first twenty digits to the Feigenbaum number.  A simple Google search could give you that.  You don’t need to try and remember it.”  The two stared at her in awe before laughing nervously.  "Right, I forgot about that,“ Tim said slowly.  He picked up his mug of coffee and took a sip.  "It’s been a while since I’ve slept, I forgot about that.”

Barbara changed the input around as Tim finished the password out.  They took a deep breath in anxiety as they waited for the results.  The computer screen flashed green before showing the files to the system.  They grinned and looked up at Natasha.  "Thanks, Natasha!“ Barbara exclaimed.  

"How are you so good at this?  What’s your secret?”  Tim asked her.  He was amazed.  

Natasha simply said one thing.  

“A Russian spy never reveals her secrets.”

~

Damian looked at a picture he had of his mom in the main hall.  He didn’t have many since she was an assassin, but there was one picture he held near and dear to his heart.  It was a single photo with his mom, his grandfather, and himself as a baby.  He couldn’t be any more than a few months old at the time.  Everyone in the picture did not smile nor did they look displeased.  

“Talia was a good woman, you know.”  Natasha walked over to the boy, sitting down next to him.  She felt bad for Damian, knowing he cared for his mom despite what he’d say.  

“Don’t try to lie to me.  She wasn’t a good woman.  She killed people for a living.  She trained others to kill people.  In no way was she a good woman.  She was still my mother though,” He huffed.

“When I met her,” Natasha started her story, “She didn’t open up about her personal life.  I didn’t expect her to.  After the mission, we became close friends though.  She mentioned you once or twice.  She never said much about you, but I could tell she was proud of you.  She was impressed by abilities despite her never actually stating that.”

Damian looked up at the redhead, smiling slightly.  "She never talked about me in conversations when I was around.  She’d usually tell me to go do something instead or teach the others.  It’s… nice to know she at least told you about me.“

"Damian, an assassin mentioning her child once is a big thing.  Not only is it a level of trust that can be shared very rarely, but they don’t give out personal information to even their most trusted friends and family in fear of it getting out and being used against them.  I’m sure she would mention you more if she could’ve.”

The boy looked down at the picture once more.  

“Thank you, Miss Romanoff.”

“Call me Natasha.”

~

Dick practiced flips and backhand springs in his room.  Wayne Manor was large enough that he was able to have gymnastic equipment in his room and it still gave him plenty of room.  Mats were scattered across the room, giving him an area to land.  Natasha walked in just in time to see him land a complex routine.  

“Impressive.  I’m not surprised considering your parents were the Flying Graysons,” She commented.  He looked up at her and grinned.  

“Well, I learned from the best.  I could teach you a couple moves if you’d like.  Some are Grayson specialties, ones only known by us.  I could share the family secrets though.”

“How would your parents react to that?” She asked him, amused.  

“I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if I taught a highly-classed Russian spy a few tricks.  They’d be honored if the Black Widow chose to learn them,” He grinned.  

“Alright, teach me.”  She watched as he climbed up to the bar, holding himself up by his hands.  

They spent the next hour performing different somersaults, flips, and maneuvers that would improve Natasha’s flexibility.  They made jokes and bonded rather quickly.  She told him stories of missions she had many years ago while he told her of his Robin days.  

Dick and Natasha got along as well as she and Steve did.  She had no doubt that she’d be hanging out with Dick more often.  He could prove to be a great training partner in time as long as they keep in touch.  

“Thanks for the great lesson, Dick,” She smiled at him as they finished up.  

“Thank you for the fun refresher, Natasha.” He handed her a towel and water bottle which she accepted graciously.  

~

The time came for Natasha to finally leave the Waynes since the mission was over.  The boys were surprised to say that they were sad to see her leave.  Even Barbara was sad that Natasha had to leave.  Usually, they’d have help that would barely interact with them.  She was different and connected with each and every one of them.  

“It was great working with you, Natasha.  We hope to see you again soon,” Bruce stood in the main entrance as Natasha was about to leave.  Jason, Tim, Dick, Damian, and Barbara were all there.  Alfred was there, ready to close the door when she left.

“I was happy to help.  It was great getting to know you all,” She smiled.  

“If you ever need our help, Nat, just give us a call,” Barbara mentioned.  She pushed herself over to sit in front of the woman.

“Or if you ever want to be really nice and let us meet the rest of the Avengers, you know,” Jason said cheekily.  

Natasha chuckled.  "You mean when you want to meet them, Jason?“ He blushed a light red and nodded his head.  "I’ll see what Tony can do.”

Damian surprised himself by shaking her hand once more.  He didn’t do that for anyone.  Bruce and Dick were surprised by his actions as well.  "Thank you,“ He said, "For what you said about my mother.”

“You’ve no need to thank me.”  

Dick and Tim finally walked up, giving her hugs.  She hugged both of them back lightly before picking up her single bag.  

The entire “Batfamily” as she called them waved to her as she drove off.  She couldn’t wait to tell the others that Gotham is like a parallel New York City right down to the superheroes.  

#batfamily #dc #marvel #crossover #fanfic #black widow #natasha romanoff #jason todd #dick grayson #bruce wayne #damian wayne #batman #robin #red hood #nightwing #alfred #gotham #new york #avengers

[pllandcompany]

Natural

Summary: Hospital!AU. It's Logan's first day back...and he's late.

Warnings: discussion of medical procedures, mention of past drug use/addiction, blink and you miss it mention of past child abuse, chaotic medical situations, blood mention, implied nsfw (non-graphic, just some high charged smooching), arguing, some weight/body/eating mention, some swears

Pairings: Romantic Logince; QPP Moxiety

Tagged:  @ziallwarrior @thefallendog @apologieslogan @trueunreal @flyingfreeyt @thecatchat @crofters-jam @jakesmolbean @band-be-boss-blog @ab-artist @asylia-5911 @backatthebein @oonagh-una

Notes: Logan's back and there's gonna be trouble...well, kind of. As always, heed the warnings and enjoy!

 If today was a day that Roman's life depended on his ability to stand still, he would most certainly have met his maker at the hands of Virgil Davidson.

"Dude. Your trauma gown is straight. Stop messing with it, you're gonna tear it." The fidgety neurosurgeon was more than getting to him.

"I'm sorry, Virge! I can't help it; I have all of this...nervous energy." He twisted the mint green trauma gown in his hands one more time. Virgil reached out and stilled them, forcing eye contact between them.

"For God's sake, find a way to help it before you make me lose my mind. What's got you all bunched up anyway?"

Roman sighed heavily. "Logan is supposed to come back today."

"Seriously? I didn't even know he was home! How long has he been back?"

"Three whole weeks, Virgil. And we've spent most of that together when I'm not at work. He's still antsy about sleeping alone, especially in his apartment."

Virgil pursed his lips. "I'm gonna guess you didn't say anything because he asked you not to."

"You have to know I was dying to tell you all. He's been doing so well, meetings twice a week, he's talking, laughing, eating. He’s getting healthy and we’re getting…happy. But you know how stubborn he is and last night, he was nervous. I offered for him to stay at my place and we could go in together, but he insisted that this was something he had to do alone. And now he’s late! I mean, what if he got cold feet? What if he…?”

“Relapsed? You really think a bit of nerves would make him use?”

“I think a bit of nerves would make him think about using, yes. I’m trying not to hover or worry or push but…I just hope he’s taking care of himself, that’s all.”

“Dude. Take a breath and stop acting like he left you. He’s fine until he isn’t. And whatever happens…you deal with it then. It’s okay until it’s not.”

Roman stared at Virgil incredulously. “‘It’s okay until it’s not?’ Inspiring, Virgil.”

“Look, the rig is pulling up and I’m riffing here, all right? You just…you can’t panic. You’ll make a rash decision if you panic.” The ambulance rolled into the dock just as Virgil was shouting his last sentence. Roman hung back, looking uncertain. “Court? You gonna help or no?”

“Ah…if you don’t mind, I’m gonna sit this one out. See if anyone’s seen Logan.”

“Uhhh, I have!” Roman turned around to a shocked Virgil staring at Logan kneeling on top of the patient’s gurney.

With his hand in the patient’s chest.

“Logan, what the hell?!”

“30-year-old male, MVC victim with penetrating trauma to the chest. Patient began to decompensate rapidly and I had to perform an emergency thoracotomy in the field to tamponade the bleeding. The defect is ventricular and I have it, I have my finger on the hole, but he needs surgery immediately.” Logan looked up to two stock still surgeons, shock petrifying their limbs. “Well? What the hell are you two standing there for? Book an OR, get me surgical privileges, and help me save this man’s life! Let’s move!” The two paramedics began to transition the gurney from the ambulance to the ground, causing Virgil to snap out of his stupor and hop into action.

“Badass move, Dr. Taylor. Welcome the hell back.” He smirked at Roman who was working his jaw around an unspoken sentence. “You heard the man, Roman, make those calls!” It took the neurosurgeon until the gurney was rolling into the building to pull out his phone.

Guess I found him.

****

“And last but not least, I know it’s been a week now but let’s everybody give a warm welcome back to Dr. Taylor who came flying in from his sabbatical with an impressive save!” Chief Thomas burst into a round of applause that sent flaming stripes of embarrassment across the cardio surgeon’s face. He made eye contact with the other attendings briefly before looking down at his hands, shaking his head lightly to signal the end of their cheering.

“Emergency thoracotomy in the field, Logan, bold first day back,” the chief continued to gush, obviously prepared to turn this into a teachable moment. As he circled the attendings, Virgil caught Logan’s gaze and rolled his eyes, mouthing here comes Lecture Mode towards him. Logan fought the urge to snicker as he focused his attention back on the meeting.

“I simply did what had to be done to save the patient’s life, Chief.”

“Exactly! You were willing to do whatever takes to get that good outcome, to save that life. Sometimes you have to know when to take that risk, to make that bold move because a lot of times, it pays off. Now, I know we’ve had times here where the risky move…has cost us dearly. And since then…we have been a staff running scared. But we need to remember that Dr. Taylor has personally and literally faced that defeat and still chooses to go above and beyond, to take that risk. That is the type of surgeon I want in this hospital: one who isn’t afraid to stare death in the eyes and still do what needs to be done to send death running scared instead. So, go out and be brave, surgeons. Be fearless, be bold and challenge yourselves. Take. Risks.” With that, the chief left the conference room, effectively dismissing the meeting. The room was silent until the ortho attending stood up, stretching his lanky limbs before pushing in his chair.

“I guess we’re done,” he drawled. “I’m so glad I came to this.” Patton shivered as he and the other attendings left, he and the other three bringing up the rear.

“Ugh, that ortho guy is so…slimy. I swear he gives me creeps.” Virgil smirked, chuckling quietly before glancing at Roman whose face was beet red and hard as stone.

“Roman? Yo, dude, you gotta breathe. What’s wrong?”

“Stupid. Reckless. Insensitive piece of sh-“

“Roman, language!”

“No, that man…has no idea!” Roman abruptly stopped in the hallway, causing Patton and Logan to nearly run into each other. “If he knew what Logan has been through, if he knew what facing that risk nearly took from his, from us-“

“Roman-“ Logan tried to interject but Roman wouldn’t be deterred.

“No, no, if he knew, he never would have made that idiotic, reckless, insensitive speech! Of all the…moronic, self-centered-“

“Roman, stop, stop!” Logan stepped forward and grabbed both of Roman’s hands, silencing the irate surgeon. “You don’t need to be so angry. I’m fine. I am past all of that now, okay? We’re past it. So no more ranting or enemies or anger. We’re okay now. Let’s just…work.” Logan fixed Roman with a gentle look and squeezed both of his hands again as he left. Patton followed shortly after him, clapping a supportive palm on the neurosurgeon’s shoulder. Virgil stayed behind and let the man in front of him process for a quiet moment before he leaned into Roman’s space to whisper in his ear.

“You guys are still going to therapy, right?”

“Uh, yeah, Virge, of course.”

“Good. Because there’s no way he’s just magically fine after that trigger fest of a meeting.”

Roman sighed deeply. “Yeah…I know.”

****

“I have a question.”

“Do you always announce when you have a question, Roman?” Dr. Picani quirked his head, genuinely curious about the behavior. Roman acted like he didn’t even hear him.

“Where was your father throughout all of this? Who was there to protect you from…her?”

Logan froze slightly, mind whirring at rapid speed from trying to piece together his thoughts. “I…I guess…no one, really. I protected myself. Occasionally, I stayed with friends if it got to be too much but I never told them why I was over there. And my father was an attorney to very prominent and very wealthy members of our community which in turn contributed to our wealth with every successful outcome he obtained. Each case required his undivided attention. Which honestly, now, I understand why. I would not have had the opportunities I had without his support.”

Roman shook in his head, a muted sort of sympathetic anger bubbling in his chest. “Correction: his financial support. Apparently, he couldn’t be bothered to protect his own son from what was happening in his own damn house…I don’t know how you’ve survived all of it. I don’t understand how you’ve managed to overcome what you have.”

Logan paused for a moment, crossing his legs and screwing up in face in inquisition. “Interesting. So, you would say that I have indeed overcome it? My past, I mean?”

Roman stared at him briefly in confusion. “I mean, yes, of course, look where you are now, you’ve come so incredibly far.”

“Really? That’s interesting considering that just last week you were ready to go to war with our Chief of Surgery over the mere possibility of something he said hurting me, implying that I’m clearly not over it. So, which one is it, Roman, am I a survivor or a victim?” Dr. Picani shrank back into his seat, cringing as the heated tete-a-tete began.

“What? Okay, excuse me but that’s what people do when they care! Maybe you’re a stranger to that but I know what it means to protect the people I care about!”

“Don’t…you EVER say I am incapable of love because it hasn’t always been shown to me! Don’t you ever say that again!”

“Don’t make me the villain for wanting to keep you from getting hurt again!”

“Don’t assume that I am so weak that every possible thing is going to hurt me!”

“Maybe if you would ever actually talk to me about anything, I would know when to back off!”

“Oh, for God’s sakes, Roman, have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe, I’m not saying anything because there’s nothing to talk about?”

“That is a lie and you know it!”

“Oh, so now I’m a liar?!”

“Okay!” Dr. Picani shouted, desperate to stop the shouting match. “And that’s time!” Both men abruptly closed their mouths and looked at the clearly uncomfortable therapist in shock. “Okay, so, a lot to unpack here. We will…definitely pick this up in our next session?”

“Where the hell are you from?” Roman interjected quietly. “Why do you always say that word like that?”

“It’s not important,” Picani answered quickly. “Okay, well, we’re done for today so…you two cool cats get outta here and…” Picani watched as Logan stood up and stormed out without a goodbye and Roman trailed behind mouthing a quick apology over his shoulder to the bewildered man.

“Try not to kill each other,” he mumbled to himself.

**** “So, the patient is stable for now but I need you to closely monitor their intracranial pressure. If it starts to spike, push Mannitol and page me immediately. Hopefully, we won’t have to go back to the OR anytime soon and they’ll have a chance to heal more. Got it, Dr. Johnson?” The resident nodded eagerly, drawing a small smile from the attending. Just as they were finishing up, a knock on the doorframe caught both of their attention.

“Ah, Dr. Taylor. Here to grab me for lunch, I presume? Give me just a moment, I’m almost done updating my resident.” Roman turned back to the young doctor and continued reviewing the post-op notes. Logan impatiently tapped his fingers against the metal frame, pursing his lips.

“Actually, Dr. Courtland, I need you for a consult. Could you possibly come now?”

Roman turned slowly to face the cardio attending, incredulity raising his brow. “Just a minute, Doctor, we are almost finished. I apologize, Dr. Johnson, where were we?”

“It’s an urgent matter! Doctor. A matter of…urgency.” Logan doubled back slightly, embarrassed by his outburst. The freckled resident nodded jerkily in the direction of the insistent surgeon. “You can go, Dr. Courtland. I can handle it from here and I will page you only if absolutely necessary.”

Roman smiled tightly at the young doctor before turning around to glare at the source of his irritation. “Very well. Dr. Taylor, lead the way.” Logan turned and broke into a brisk walk, practically dragging Roman through the hallways until, to the neurosurgeon’s utter shock, he pulled them into an on-call room.

“What the- Logan, what is- mmph!” Without warning, Roman’s back was being pressed into the wall. His brain short-circuited as the heat from Logan’s lips suddenly became all he could process. Logan deftly reached over and locked the door while still maintaining contact. After a moment of heated passion, he pulled back to gaze into Roman’s eyes, smirking when he realized the pupils were blown wide.

“Well, Doctor, while I do feel that your position is sound, I’m not sure I’m totally convinced we’ve come to a conclusion on this urgent matter. I do believe I’ll need a little more convincing before we can move forward.”

“Logan, what is this? What- what are you doing right now?”

“Oh, come now, Roman, don’t pretend like this is something new to you. Allow me the privilege of joining in on the fun everyone seems to have in here.” Logan started in on the crook of Roman’s neck, knees wobbling at the feeling of those warm lips against his skin. He bit back a decidedly inappropriate moan in an effort to speak.

“This is insane, we are at work, we are working.”

“True, but Dr. Picani did also tell us to have fun and be spontaneous. Something about all work and no play comes to mind.” Logan drawled out the sentence in between kisses. The poorly used idiom snapped Roman out of his stupor and he shoved Logan away from him, the room silent save for their ragged pants. “Roman, what the hell?”

“No, Logan, no, stop, stop this now! This…this is not spontaneous, this is…what is going on? Are you stressed? Are you scared? This is not like you, talk to me, what is wrong?” Roman was truly worried as he watched Logan’s eyes fill with angry tears. He grabbed his previously discarded lab coat and unlocked the door, fixing Roman with a hurt and frustrated look.

“I am so sick of talking.”

The slam of the door made Roman jump out of his skin.

**** “Hey there, Roman! You headed for the gallery?” The bright voice of Patton Parker rang in Roman’s ear and he slowed his pace while the pounding steps of sneakers caught up to him. He couldn’t help but smile at Patton’s infectious grin; clearly the fetal surgeon was thrilled about something.

“Good morning, Patton! I wasn’t planning on heading that way but I have a light morning so I certainly could be. By the looks of it, there must be something good going on already.”

“Oh no, it’s not for a while but I want to get there early and make sure I get a good seat for this one.” Roman’s smile grew bigger at the sheer giddiness of his colleague.

“Virgil’s operating, huh?”

“No! You- you really don’t know? It’s Logan’s surgery today; he didn’t tell you?”

Roman’s face instantly fell. “Wh- what?”

“Yeah, Logan’s doing an ex vivo heart auto-transplantation and tumor debulking! He found a giant sarcoma in this woman’s chest and she thought it was just heartburn! He showed me the scans a couple of days ago, it’s wrapped around the pulmonary artery, I mean, it’s going to take hours! It’s his first really big case since he got…back.” Patton suddenly noticed the haunted, faraway look in Roman’s eyes. “He…he really didn’t tell you?” Roman swallowed twice heavily, quickly trying to orient himself in relationship to Logan’s office.

“No…no, he did not.” To Patton’s horror, the neurosurgeon broke into a sprint.

“Roman, wait! Wait!” Patton threw his hands up in the air just as Virgil jogged up next to him.

“Whoa! Why are we yelling at a running Roman?” Patton bit his lip sheepishly and turned towards the skeptical trauma surgeon.

“I…I may have done a thing.” Virgil’s expression went from amused to slightly scolding in seconds.

“Patton…what did you do?”

“Did I mention that those scrubs look amazing on you? Purple is definitely your color.”

Roman kept running until he got close to the door of his boyfriend’s office, slowing his pace to catch his breath. The cardio surgeon jumped at his desk when the door was loudly forced open and then shut, Roman panting in the middle of the room.

“All right, I’ve had it! I’m putting a stop this! This can’t continue anymore!” Logan blinked twice in response.

“Good morning to you too, Dr. Courtland.” Roman was not anywhere near amused.

“No, no more jokes, this is serious! Logan, I can’t let you operate. Not today, not on a surgery this big and if you insist on cutting, I’m reporting you to the Chief!”

Logan leaned back in his chair, removing his reading glasses and levelling Roman with a stern look. “I see. And why may I not operate today, if I might ask?” Roman stepped closer to Logan’s desk and implored him with a desperate stare.

“Because…you’re not okay. You’re not transitioning well, I can see it and you are not ready to take on a case this massive, a case you didn’t even tell me about. It’s too dangerous!”

Logan stood up, crossing his arms defensively across his chest. “Perhaps I didn’t tell you about it in order to avoid this exact overreaction.”

“See?!” Roman blurted out. “The fact that you’re hiding things from me is another sign that something is wrong!”

“Oh God, Roman, enough! Enough of this! You are so hellbent on finding something wrong that you are, in fact, creating a problem where none exists!”

“Because I know you, Logan! I know you don’t always say things when you need to!”

“No, Roman, you knew me! But things are different now! I’m different!”

“Right, and lying by omission to me yet again is a shining symbol of change!”

“Oh my God, okay, well you know what is? My ass!”

Roman flinched as if he was physically assaulted by the offhand comment. “I beg your pardon?”

Logan flushed slightly. “Yes, my ass. My ass is different. It’s huge now. Which is fine! I’m fine with it…save for the difficulty I’ve had with pants. Honest to goodness, I had to wear the elastic waist scrubs for my whole first week back until my new ones came in.” Both surgeons started to chuckle lightly, the tension slowly seeping out of the room. Logan smiled gently at Roman, stepping forward as he continued to speak. “Do you know why that is, Roman? Because for the first time in months, I actually have an appetite and as a result, I’ve put healthy weight on my body. Do you know what else has changed?”

Roman leaned in to Logan’s space, spellbound by the calming shift in atmosphere. “What else?”

“Patton’s jokes and puns. Not their content, per se, but the fact that I can actually follow them now. Occasionally I may even laugh at a few. You see, now that I’m not constantly numb and my mind isn’t clouded from substance abuse, I can think clearly and follow a line of thought to its completion. Oh, Virgil’s sarcasm fits under this category as well.” Logan stopped directly in front of Roman and brought him into a gentle hold around his waist.

“Quite a lot has changed, Roman. But do you know the most important that has changed? The fact that I can feel the change and embrace it. The fact that I can take stock and see just how wonderfully different things are now. And yes, there are times that it’s overwhelming to think about all of the ways that things are different. Ironically enough, you know what gets me through those moments? It is my changed perspective that helps me see all of the wonderful grounding constants in my life. Like my love of medicine and surgery. That didn’t change. Or my passion for poetry. That’s still here. Or you.” Roman looked up at that last comment, unable to contain the joyous tears that sprung up.

“Me?” Logan cleared his throat, equally as choked.

“Yes, you. You who never left my side, even when I was at my worst. You who pushed me to be better. You who stands in front of me alive and loving me more thoroughly than I have ever been loved. You who wants so badly to protect me from everything because you love me so much. You and your love is a beautiful constant in my life and I am so grateful for it. But I know that I am a change in yours and while I have had all of this time to process, you haven’t. You need time to adjust. You need to give yourself the time to see that the change in me is real and constant. You need to let me protect you. You need to let me love-“

“Love you,” Roman breathed. “You love me.”

“Yes,” Logan chuckled, wet and slightly broken, “I do. Very much.” Roman smiled bright and genuine at Logan for what felt like the first time in weeks. Logan laughed again, the warmth in Roman’s eyes radiating against his face like sunlight. The laughter spread to the neurosurgeon who leaned and kissed his partner’s nose, giggling. Once their laughter died down, a ponderous look came over the wavy-haired man, concerning Logan slightly. “Roman?’

“I still don’t like that you didn’t tell me about your ridiculously awesome surgery but…in light of recent confessions, I’m willing to forgive you.”

“I am genuinely sorry about that; I did not mean to worry or hurt you.”

“Again, you’re already forgiven. Tell you what. When you save this patient with your mad, magical surgical skills, why don’t we…reschedule that consult? You know, to celebrate a job well done?” Logan grinned, blushing from ear to ear.

“I could be amenable to that proposition.” Roman rolled his eyes fondly at overly formal phrasing.

“Oh, thank God. There’s my nerd.”

#sanders sides #logince #romantic logince #moxiety #queerplatonic moxiety #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #sanders sides human au #sanders sides surgeon au #my writing

[solign0501]

You Were Maid For This

Pairing:AU Bucky (Royal) x Reader (Peasant)

Summary: Prince Bucky has everything life could offer at his command, except somebody to share it with. The Reader’s mother works in the castle and manages to get you a job there, working for the spoilt prince. What happens when he discovers the only thing he ever really wanted is so close, but so out of reach?

A/N - this is my first attempt at Royal AU so fingers crossed. It was a request from the wonderful @fangirllover2000 - I hope you enjoy it :) 

The late morning sun drifted through the red silken drapes and danced on the eyelids of the man sleeping within. His Royal Highness Prince James Buchanan Barnes, first of his name, groaned loudly and rolled over to avoid the light, not realising just how close he was to the end of the bed until it was too late. 

With a loud bump followed by some rather unprincely cursing, Bucky woke up. He heard a quiet knocking at the door as he hauled himself to his feet, rubbing his sore rump and mumbling some more. The wooden door to his chamber opened a crack and a timid young head poked it’s way through the gap.

“Your Highness, is everything alright? I heard a noise...” Bucky turned and gazed at his manservant. Leopold Fitz was the only son of Lord Alistair Fitz, a rebel lord whose son had been taken into service with the royal family after the last rebellion by the group known only as The Hydra. Lord Fitz counted himself amongst their loyal followers so, when the rebellion had been put down, young Leo was taken to keep his father in check. So far, it had worked.

Bucky himself had been a part of that rebellion. Not willingly, mind you. He had been captured by Sir Arnim Zola and the late Baron Schmidt, the man who would have been king. They had tried torture to turn Bucky into their weapon, but the arrival of his adopted brother, the then Prince Steven and his team of elite warriors, the SHIELD, had put paid to both the rebellion and Baron Schmidt in one fell swoop. Bucky had returned home to the so called Palace of Marvels and his former life had resumed around him. 

It took Bucky a moment to realise Fitz was still talking to him, he had been so deep in thought. He stirred himself to see that the young man was now bustling around the room, picking up the Prince’s discarded garments from the night before. 

“You have a busy day ahead of you, sire,” Fitz was jabbering away, his north-of-the-realm accent strangely comforting after the nightmares that had plagued Bucky’s sleep. “His Majesty King Steven has requested you accompany him to examine the troops and then you have the petitions to hear from the neighbouring counties under your charge, then there’s the preparations for your birthday celebrations next week...”

Bucky groaned. He didn’t want to celebrate his birthday, he just wanted it to pass in peace, like he liked everything else. But the King was insistent. Bucky knew that mostly because he would be inviting every eligible female from the neighbouring kingdoms to the celebrations. Damn it Steve, Bucky cursed inwardly, you gotta stop trying to marry me off. Bucky had decided that he would marry when he was good and ready, something which he definitely wasn’t and if the air-headed princesses he’d met so far were anything to go by, he wouldn’t be ready by his birthday next week either. No amount of fancy catering and polished marble could make up for that. 

Fitz had been asking a question and was now standing in the middle of the room, hopping nervously from one foot to another as he asked again.

“Would your highness like to wear the black brocade shirt to his duties today, or the velvet?” Bucky sighed as he looked out of the window at the early March snow outside. 

“Velvet,” he said gruffly. “If I have to be outside in that, make it the velvet.” He stared out of the window a moment longer. “I hate Winter,” he muttered.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I love Winter,” you sighed as you pulled open your sparse curtains, letting the first rays of sunlight into the room that you and your family used as combined kitchen, living area and bedroom. The privvy, mercifully, was outside. Although as you saw the frozen form of your brother shuddering his way back inside, arms folded and legs stomping furiously against the cold, you wondered if he thought it much of a mercy right now. 

“You’ll want to curb that enthusiasm of yours, Y/N,” your father chuckled. “Your new boss isn’t quite as cheerful as you are.” 

“Hush now,” your mother scolded. “Don’t put the girl off before she has even started.” Your mother beckoned to you to come over to the small wooden table which was currently holding the wash bowl and a comb. You watched with mild trepidation as your mother smashed the thin layer of ice that covered the top of the water jug and poured some of the icy water into the bowl. You hung your head over, letting your hair dip into the water, watching the way the tips swirled and darkened in the liquid. You braced yourself but still squealed with shock as she poured the icy water over your head.

“Well she’s definitely awake now,” your brother laughed as he walked past you. You stood up and flicked your hair in his direction, hitting him with the freezing mop. 

“Enough,” your mother said through her laughter. “We need to get you ready. I’m sorry it isn’t warm, love, but the money for the fire wood went on your new shoes for today.” You looked up at your mother and smiled. She worked her fingers to the bone each day in the palace kitchens. She had come home the other day full of excitement to say that the word had reached her that the housekeeper, Mrs Potts, had told her she was hiring for new maid to work in the Prince’s household and she had been told she had a young daughter. You could barely contain your excitement when you mother had told you and it was decided there and then that you absolutely must have a new dress and new shoes, even if it meant spending that week’s wages on them. 

“It’ll be warm tomorrow,” you promised, giving your mother and father a hug. 

Once you were both dressed and ready, you and your mother set off towards the palace. It was a short walk into the village and from there you were able to catch a ride with the baker who delivered the fresh loaves daily to the kitchens. 

Pepper Potts was waiting for you when you arrived and your mother gave you a soft smile and hurried away to the kitchens to begin her day. 

“You are here early,” Pepper said, her voice level and showing no sign of emotion. “That is good. Follow me.” She turned on her heels and walked away, her boots clicking crisply on the stone floor. “Your first duty will be to prepare the breakfast for the Prince. He takes it in his chambers. You are to assist his manservant in bringing it to him and then you are to collect his laundry, strip his bed and wash them all. Then you shall report to me for the next task.” She paused and turned to you so sharply that you almost walked into her.

“Under no circumstances are you to speak unless spoken to. You will address the Prince as Your Highness or Your Grace, you will look at the floor when he speaks to you and the rest of the time you are to make yourself as unnoticed as possible. Do you understand?”

“Yes ma’am,” you said, giving a polite curtsey. Pepper looked approvingly at you and then gave a curt nod before setting off again.

The Prince’s chambers were vast and everywhere you turned there were silk tapestries, colourful paintings, rich wooden furnishings and weapons. So many weapons, mounted and displayed all around. The fire roared from the huge mantelpiece that bore the royal coat of arms. The sheer wealth around you stunned you into silence and your heart hurt as you pictured your little shack. 

“Mr Fitz,” Pepper barked and a young man appeared almost instantly. “This is Y/N Y/L/N. She is the new maid and she answers to you now.” Without another word, she left. You took a nervous look at the man before you. He was attractive and had something about him that relaxed you instantly as he smiled.

“I’m Leopold Fitz,” he said warmly, his lilting accent making you smile. “But you can call me Fitz, everybody does.” You curtsied to him and he laughed. “You don’t need to do that to me, Y/N. I might be the son of a lord but I’m about the same as you here. We’re in this together, right?” You looked up at him and nodded. He motioned to a trolley full of fruits and pastries that he had brought into the room with him. “Want to help me lay these out?” You nodded and set to work. You hadn’t seen so much food before and your stomach grumbled. Fitz looked at you in concern. 

“When was the last time you ate?” he asked, looking at your wiry frame.

“Last night,” you answered truthfully. Fitz shook his head and tore off a small bunch of grapes, careful to remove the track of the stalk from the rest of the bunch. “Quickly, you’ve got about five minutes before he gets back, it’s not much but it’s something.” You thanked him as you hastily swallowed the grapes, not recalling when you had tasted anything so sweet. Fitz took the empty stalks from you and threw them into the back of the fire. “Hide the evidence,” he said with a cheeky wink. You had the instant feeling you were going to get on well with him. 

Your moment of camaraderie was interrupted, however, by the sound of boots on the stairs that led to the chambers in the upper part of the tower that formed the Prince’s chambers. You looked over to the spiral staircase and watched as first the legs, then the torso, then the face of the most beautiful man you had ever beheld came into view. 

You only had a second to look before you averted your eyes, but that was all you needed. He was tall and muscular, definitely the build of a warrior. His hair was a thick, lustrous mane so dark brown it was almost black, apart from where a stray bit of caught it. His jawline was as razor sharp as his cheekbones and covered in a fine layer of stubble. He wore a single leather glove over his left hand, which rested on his belt and his eyes, the colour of a storm at sea, scanned the room until they came to rest solely on you. 

“Who is this?” he asked Fitz. His voice was deep and gruff, with a hint of annoyance - as though your being there was irksome to him. 

“This is the new maid to your household, Your Grace,” Fitz said, jumping in quickly. “This is Y/N Y/L/N, daughter of Mrs Y/L/N from the kitchens, the one that makes those excellent pastries His Majesty likes.” You dropped your deepest curtsey, rising as slowly as your legs would allow to show deference to your new boss. 

“I see.” Bucky’s gaze lingered on you for a moment longer before coming to rest on the food laid out for him. “Well then, Y/L/N, get to work.” 

Trying desperately to ignore the slight flutter in your stomach as the Prince said your name, you gave another quick curtsey and began your first day as Maid to the Prince’s Household.

#au royal #royal bucky x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #marvel #arnim zola #schmidt #leo fitz #pepper potts

[theblissfulstars]

Juno as Possible Co-Ruler For Capricorn

Juno as possible co-ruler for Capricorn

Hello everybody, I hope time is finding you in good spirits wherever you may be. Time, and karma are going to be very major themes and motifs in this analysis.

Juno commonly referred to as Saturnia in ancient Rome, and affectionately referred to as Aegophagus which translated is goat eater in the temple of Akraia. She is a Queen of Heaven ((The MC)) in Greco-Roman mythos, and is Queen of the gods/Olympos, having dominion over worldly success, power, royalty, legacies, authority, government, marriage and childbirth.  Juno was discovered when the sun was eight degrees in Virgo, eight is the number of Saturn. She was third born from the union of Kronos and Rhea, three is the number of Jupiter. We commonly know Juno from her marriage to Jupiter, king of the gods, and their wild, bombastic love life, rife, with perfidy, and betrayal.  How they came to be, is a very simple story though, Jupiter was rather taken with Juno (incest is valid when you don’t have DNA lol) and tried to woo her, yet she deferred his advances. Jupiter came up with the plan to disguise himself as a wounded cuckoo bird on her path, naturally, she took pity on the poor thing, and took it to her breast, and in a flash, it shifted back into Jupiter and he ravaged her, he then blackmailed her and told her he would tell the other gods of heir encounter if she did not marry him, and so she conceded, and the cuckoo became one of her sacred animals. Jupiter is the manliest of men, and was not sated with one woman, and naturally did as all kings have the right to do. Juno was deeply hurt by this, and she grew jealous, bitter and vengeful, often cursing the mortal women who would make the mistake of sleeping with her man, an example being the Nymph Echo((the youthful yin)). Echo was an Oread, a mountain nymph who could only repeat what she had heard, her beauty enticed Jove to come lie by her side. When Juno grew suspicious, Echo projected her voice to lure juno away with deception. Juno saw this and grew angry, cursing her so that she may only use her voice for a moment and the nymph was sorrowful. However, she is also very capable of blessings as well, as seen with Jason and the Argonauts. Juno was not only offended by her husband’s lovers, but the offspring he bore as well. Popularly, Hera was no fan of Hercules, and was even hurt by the birth of Artemis and Apollo((sun and moon)), however no birth hurt her quite as much as the birth of Athena. Athena was birthed out of Jupiter’s head, and he produced her alone ((it was metis, the goddess of wise counsel in some accounts)) so she decided she could make children of her own, alone, without Jupiter. From her sprang Mars((pure fire, yang)), and Vulcan((Earth fire, yang)) , mars was strong, belligerent and wild, yet Vulcan was not, he was deformed. Juno was infuriated by this, by her own inability to be more, and reach the top, and promptly chucked him down the mountain side((accomplishment, achievement, goals, hurdles)) , where he landed in he sea ((emotion, nurturing, wisdom, unconditional love)) he would later be known as the god of ingenuity, metal, volcanoes, and invention.

Analyzing the core themes in the symbols and ideas, we come to her sacred animals, the cuckoo, and peacock. The cuckoo is many eastern European countries is a symbol of loss, or misery because of its odd cry “You can only understand the song of a cuckoo if you suffer from pain.” This is one of many sayings about this birds tie to pain. The cuckoo is more commonly known through its association with the clock, connecting it to time. The peacock is a symbol of totality, because it connects all colors into one in completion, and the eyes are sometimes considered stars in the dome of heaven, and is associated with eternity and the crystallization of the human spirit and potential through maturity. Peacock is also associated with royalty, integrity, and respect, and many of the stars from the constellation Pavo ((peacock in latin)) can be found littered throughout Capricorn. In the stories, we have the theme of control, and power occur often, she is a lady boss, and in control of herself((externally)), she does not fear her husband, he sometimes even hides from her wrath. She is Karmic in nature, every time Jupiter over reaches, she teaches him a lesson, yet she always returns, loyal, steadfast and dutiful, she is committed to her oath, and duty to being a wife. However even before her wifehood, there is evidence that Junos worship, predated Jupiter in a Matriarchal society that historians, and romans alike tried to destroy all evidence of.  Her attendant, Iris, the rainbow goddess is her messenger where as Mercury is Jupiters. Juno has tons of Capricornian themes.

In the discovery chart, I divined the time as producing a second decant virgo ascendant, I think this plays wonderfully with how Juno sees the world, and navigates it, she’s a hardworker, shes determined, and most importantly, she is poised. Composed, and regal, she looks at things analytically, and with an eye for business, as the second decant is the saturn decant, and saturn is in Libra Exalted in the first house conjunct mercury, the ruler of the first in the first in Libra. Showing how Juno sees the world through a very lawful, and tempered way.The second ruler of the first house, Ceres, is in Aries in the eighth retrograde, showing the dark, jealous, fearsome energy associated with her, she is a powerhouse who should be feared and respected. This all ties in with the beautiful theme of Virgo, who is often tied to the virgin Mary in christian mystic traditions, and is also known as a queen of heaven. In mythology, sometimes Juno was referred to as a virgin because she would renew in the springtime. The ascendant is conjunct the sun from the twelfth house, showing how juno feels crushed under the weight of men, her identity, who she is, is drowned out by what others have shaped her into, despite her protests, this shows that she has a tragic, almost melancholy view of the world, and is quite desperate for control over her environment, and tumultuous emotions. The ascendant is also conjunct the asteroid herakleitos, another name for herakles, showing how those who seek to destroy her manifest strong yang energy because its conjunct the sun. Her ascendant is opposite pluto  in the sixth bringing on that intense, raw, unbridled laser like focus and determination, with the dark obsessive and vengeful energy we all expect, The ascendant is also opposite pallas athene, showing a nature gift at being able to read, others, and use diplomacy to your advantage, and a need for justice, but an inability to reach it.  In the first we have mercury and saturn conjunct by zero degrees, three degrees in libra in the first decant. This shows that Juno loves structure, patterns, tact,  sophistication and is very, very in control of how she presents herself to the world, she rarely lets go of the reigns of control, and she doesn't believe in wasting words with mercury conjunct saturn, it's all very calculated, cool, and precise, mercury and saturn are opposite Ceres in aries in the eighth house, showing that she just wants to let it out, she needs someone to give her permission to let loose, but she would never let herself lose herself to her inner warrior or temper like that, Saturn and Mercury are also opposite Juno rx in her fall in aries in the seventh house, showing that her relationship to authority is restrictive, and anxiety producing, and she may be known or her karma. Libra is in the second, the rulers of the second are in the sixth conjunct pluto, and eleventh conjunct moon, Juno finds beauty in nature, organization, and in health, she enjoys good food, and is very politically aware, juno finds beauty in political and social power, she bases her values on nature, and tradition, and money, and knows how to network, and run a corporation as the eleventh house does. Uranus is in the second in libra, emphasizing the eleventh house themes, she has fluctuations in her security, and rarely feels safe, she's very traditionalist, and doesn't adapt to the times well with uranus in the second, jupiter is in scorpio in the second which shows how she has lots of power, and can be a little miserly and clingy to her resources out of fear that they won't be there when she returns, she is excellent at saving and amassing money, and putting it towards her legacy and her name, this is her lover, Jupiter, he is an asset to her and a resource, however being in scorpio, he is involved in secretive and shady things but is very powerful and virile. Jupiter is square her moon by zero degrees, showing a very intense, and emotionally raw inner world, with high aspirations, seeking comfort in the arms of a lover who wants to be free, The third house is scorpio, the rulers of the third are in the sixth and the tenth, juno loves to think and talk about her career, and her aspirations, and her reputation, these things are often on her mind, and mean a lot to her, the neighborhood is on mount olympos. Juno has a lot of dark, angry and sorrowful thoughts that are polarizing, and often times thinks of the power she needs to achieve it, her voice is sexual, and dark and mysterious, she may be seen as a villain. Neptune is in the third, so what she sais can be taken the wrong way or misinterpreted, and she may even experience confusion around what she believes and does not believe, with neptune in scorpio power is divine to her, as is sex and the occult, she often times transmuted those who would touch her man into different objects or creatures. The IC is in sagittarius, the ruler being jupiter, the ruler of the fourth is in the second in scorpio, this shows that the home is opulent, there is wealth, there is a lineage of power, and there is beauty and wisdom in their traditions, her home is olympus, home of the gods, fitting seeing as Jupiter the planet has ties to the concept of divinity, her core foundation is laid in faith, however with chiron retrograde in capricorn in the fourth house, who she is at her core is wounded, and lacking in worth. Juno conceals and doesnt feel, but its within her, the wound surrounding authority figures, and fathers, ever since her birth, men have been out to get her. Her home is broken, and she may often feel victimized or broken when with family or being a nurturer. Yet she persists, because the essence of ness and naturality, Vesta is in the fourth in capricorn conjunct Chiron, despite her wounds she will always fight to reach the top and achieve her goals, she is devoted to being professional, concise, traditional, . Chiron and Vesta are opposite her mars, showing that she feels wounds around what she can do, and what she can achieve on her own, yet she is devoted to always trying to come out on top. Vesta and Chiron are square juno and Ceres, this shows that there are intense wounds involving trust, and the reputation is known for being wounded or hurt, damaged goods, however, she is actually so loyal its destructive, lots of betrayal. The fifth house is housing capricorn, showing that she does not in fact like to “date around” she takes it very seriously, and encounters many trials and delays in finding the love she is looking for, she is a traditional romantic, but keeps it under wraps, the ruler of the fifth is in the first in libra, showing that she craves romance, and peace, and likes relationships to be equal, however using juno as coruler, it would place the other ruler in the eighth house in aries, showing that she wants her relationships to be intense, merging, and climactic, she likes to be in control in relationships. Her NN is in Aquarius ((conjunct echo, isnt that cool?)) its also conjunct a silly asteroid i pulled up to chuckle at, Tea. The asteroid Tea is opposite venus and moon in leo, showing that its her destiny for her relationships and feelings to be broadcasted to the public, and thats tea ((her NN being in aquarius is super symbolic since three of Junos major holidays are in february.))  for fun, Juno likes business, politics, traditional things, art, the occult, and bdsm in her free time. In the sixth house we have aquarius, the rulers of the sixth are in the second and first, showing that a major part of her routine, is her appearance, and making money,, she has pallas athene in her sixth house in pisces conjunct her Dsc, the house of open enemies, since her step daughter pallas athene is/was known to make her quite upset, but this shows that her daily routine may involve being diplomatic, tactful and strategic and she may see health from a very cerebral point of view, she loves sophisticated and complex, rich foods, pluto is in her sixth conjunct the dscm this shows her penchant for dark, upsetting relationships, with extreme power dynamics, but they bring her power and wealth despite the pain. Her daily routine may involve being self destructive. In her seventh is herself, she is very relationship oriented, and as i said, i do think that she exalts in libra, this shows that with Juno in aries rx, her reputation is that on a wild, aggressive, bombastic woman who doesn't take no for an answer and takes what she wants and is very selfish, it shows a toxic relationship to authority,, and that her partnerships are always filled with strife and conflict. Ceres in the eighth shows that she loves to take care of people by showing them the depths of who they are and the dark side of life, showing all the ugly and letting them be what they have always been and will always be, Ceres being on her physically y shows that she has deep ties to mother earth and the ancient ways, and craves stability, organization and structure. Juno is square mars, showing unstable and painful connections, and a reputation for having a bad temper. Eighth house is empty, housing aries, ruler of the eighth is in the tenth, showing that she approaches sexuality and change seriously and with thorough investigation, Taurus is in the ninth, ruler of the ninth is in the eleventh, showing that she feels spirituality, travel and higher learning should be at a communal level, and should be on higher minded ideals. The MC is in Gemini, the ruler of the MC is in the first in Libra conjunct Saturn, showing that she has a reputation for being classy, sophisticated intelligent and refined, she may be constantly going through things, or have her drama out in the open. She has Mars, her son, in the tenth, showing that she demands and takes authority whether given to her or not, her mars is conjunct lilith in the tenth, showing she can have a very virulent and toxic darkly feminine reputation, she has goals and aspirations of being in power and in control, and masters these things. In her eleventh we have her moon, which is conjunct venus in leo, showing that she tries to escape her feelings, but feels them deeply, she tries to repress them, but they always explode in theatrical ways eventually, however she is in control of them. She is deeply romantic and affectionate in ways some do not understand, and very loyal to those who she calls friend the moon and venus are her friend, the ruler of the eleventh is in the eleventh. The twelfth house is housing leo, showing that the source of all of her pain, is her ego, and need for status, the ruler of the twelfth is in the twelfth, her sun is in virgo in the first decant, showing how she is deeply invested in the earth, and in the details. She is constantly working and seeking improvement in all things and her workaholic tendencies may bring her pain.

Thank you for sticking through all that! I genuinely do feel that she is a good candidate for coruler to Capricorn ((not that anyone was looking)) and on the topic of her not making sense exalting in Libra but not being domicile, allow me to explain. Juno cares a lot about her public image, shes a career women for better or worse, and to many, a lot of times for worse, this is who she is without frills at neutral, however in Libra, she becomes loved, wanted and appreciated which are all things she years for deeply, with moon in Leo she has a literal need to be worshipped. The reason why she is uncomfortable with Martian energy in Aries but not scorpio, is because the image she presents in aries is completely undesirable, it is not her way, she loves for her son to be with her, when she is in control, however being with him while he runs the show is stressful. She is controlling, perfectionistic and stressed easily, and being in a realm of fiery chaos, sex and blood shed with loud noises, and clashing of steel is not her forte, however, being in a dark cave plotting amidst the scorpions, and putting battle plans together, paints her as manipulative, dark, and controlling which she can live with, she loves her son, but she deeply enjoys him in his darker mode.

Thank you, I hope you all have a wonderful time wherever you may be.

#astrology #western astrology #juno #asteroid juno #juno asteroid #asteroid 3 #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisce #astrologer #tumblr astrology #mythology #hera #zodiac #astrology thoughts #astrology theory

[astr0freak-blog]

Asteroid Nessus

From what I’ve seen, everything about Nessus is ‘sex addict, paedophile, rapist’ and I hate it, it’s boxing people negatively. Therefore, with the little resources I had to work with, I’m making this post with all the research I’ve done.

The effects of Nessus can be drowned out by strong inner planets, especially where other planets share the same house. 

Keep in mind that anyone can use their Nessus energy in a positive manner, and those who use it negatively have an overall underdeveloped energy. Use your will power to put a positive light on things you do, because you’ll be a lot more successful if you do!

The abuse section is only a guide and needs to be taken lightly. If it does occur, you may either be the aggressor or victim. Take only with a pinch of salt, please.

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Aries: A dominant Nessus is here. Whether or not he’s successful is indicated by positive aspects. Aries Nessus is someone who wants complete control, they want what they want and they will fight in any way possible to get it. A control freak, bully, ‘my way or the highway’ in pretty much everything. Negatively, these people are the worst, second to Scorpio. You’d think they have a degree in bullying. Positively, these people become extremely high achievers. May be obsessed with sex, selfish, and may come off as very sexual to others. If abuse occurs, it’s usually sexual and/or at a young age.

Taurus: Nessus here is almost obsessive over getting their material desires, and will work extremely hard to get them. They are very proud of their income and the things they own, but although they work hard, if Taurus Nessus isn’t in a good light, their ways of gaining these things can be very questionable. Negative Nessus doesn’t usually take well to people in lower economic classes, and usually proudly associates themselves with higher classes. Use wealth and achievements to bully others. Positively, these people will have well paid jobs and a beautiful home to show for it. Their self-worth will have a connection to their material success. If abuse occurs, it may be through being over possessive.

Gemini: Ah yes, the communicative Gemini. Negatively, these people use rumours to get back at people who hurt them or the people they care about. They can ruin relationships and lives with lies. Blackmail is their go-to method. In a positive light, these people have a crazy ability to talk their way into getting exactly what they want, even if it’s a seat at a restaurant. Very good at sweet-talking, and are able to ‘prove’ their loyalty with their words. These people are probably verbal during sex and enjoy dirty talk. If abuse occurs, it’s most likely verbal abuse.

Cancer: These people take on too much when it comes to nurturing. They will take people under their wing and take parenthood and caring for others very seriously. These parents are probably the scary but respected ones in the home. Negatively, these people aim their negativity at any weaknesses others show, and won’t tolerate people going against their word. Positively, Cancer Nessus is protective and caring, and will do anything for their family. May smother those they love and become needy. If abuse occurs, it may be in a home environment or by family.

Leo: These people want to be the center of attention and will do anything to get it. In negative light, this person will manipulate others in order to get the things they want, act perfect in the spotlight to keep a good reputation. Rewards their followers. Positively, this person is very proactive in achieving their goals in just the right ways. This is a good placement for fame if used wisely. These people, as Leo’s do, like to be treated like royalty, and have a very particular rules they want others to live up to. If abuse occurs, it’s likely through personal gain.

Virgo: This person needs organisation and hygiene. Virgo Nessus is very healthy, likely to try out new diets a lot. Negatively, this person expects a lot of high standards in organisation, hygiene, and health from everyone, and will try and make others go along with it. They will likely pull the cards of fear in order to make people do as they are told. In a positive light, these people are great healers in health, and will put more effort than needed in order to get things done properly. Very likely to worry about other people’s health, especially those they care about. They’re the ones trying to get you to go to the doctors for a cough you’ve had for a week. If abuse occurs, it may be through work environments.

Libra: Obsessed with keeping the peace. Negatively, these people may manipulate others into stepping into line to keep things running smoothly and peacefully, will do exactly what they think needs to be done in order to make sure they can have a ‘happy’ and ‘peaceful’ environment, which is in reality simply a coordinated environment. Positively, they are excellent at leading people to the right path. They are great healers in social environments and help people get the justice they deserve. They expect the desire for peace from those around them. If abuse occurs, its likely by friends or partners.

Scorpio: Nessus is at home and most powerful in Scorpio. These people need to take a lot of responsibility to keep themselves on a positive path or it’ll cause a lot of destruction, and can take anything to the extreme (especially in the house Nessus lays). On a positive note, this individual can have an uncanny ability to heal others, and their ability to control their desires is strong. Their scary kinks (rape kinks, knife play, etc) are under control and probably lay dormant. They aren’t afraid of death (rather the act of dying), and will want to control their own death. Negatively, their kinks may come out forceful, and they will desire a dramatic stunt-like death. If abuse occurs, it may be through sex.

Sagittarius: Freedom is very important to these people, however keep in mind that ‘freedom’ means something different to everyone. Materialistic freedom, communicative freedom, physical freedom, sexual freedom, it depends on the person. Positively, this person will set their ambitions on their version of freedom, working hard to not only get the freedom they desire, but to expand and teach others what they’ve learned. Negatively, these people can be very strict teachers, become angsty when people don’t listen to their stories, and can become claustrophobic in their area of freedom if they don’t have enough. If they’re moody, it’s likely due to not having the space they need. Can be a know-it-all. If abuse occurs, it’s probably in spiritual environments or by mentors.

Capricorn: Their reputation is very important to them. You don’t want to mess with this person’s reputation and social status, because they’ll be inclined to take a scary revenge that really isn’t worth the hassle. On a positive note, this person is resourceful and respected, held in high regard to authority. They will be hard workers, and they take no shit from anyone. On a negative note, they might become obsessed with status, become two faced, behind closed doors they’ll be far more manipulative than they will whilst walking down the street. They will manipulate anyone and everyone to reach their goals. This is a boss you do not want to get on the bad side of. If abuse occurs, it’s likely on the path to success or in work environments.

Aquarius: This Nessus needs a reason to help people. They will be the first to suggest, or even initiate, charity movements for people who need help. The good thing about this placement is that they can be excellent healers, they feel accomplished when they see those they’ve helped succeed, and are likely to be the ones who also initiate social movements that will help people live a better life (medical cannabis, free the nipple, feminism). A great thing about this placement is that they are good at respecting everybody as they are. Negatively, they can become too demanding, despising people who disagree with the rights of others, and is excellent at manipulating people using their social skills.  If abuse occurs, it may be by people in your community or in community affairs.

Pisces: A dreamy placement for Nessus. In good vibrations, this person is in love with the metaphysical. They love spreading awareness of peaceful meditation and crystals, they’re probably into healing witchcraft and that kind of stuff. On a negative note, these people are very talented manipulators when it comes to needing others to believe in the same things they do. They can resort to lying in order to make people believe them, and will force their beliefs onto the people around them. This placement in a negative light is someone who will use witchcraft to curse people that so much as looks at them the wrong way, and can become extremely petty. If abuse occurs, it’s usually during childhood.

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1st: Your power lays in your desire for your leadership and self-expression. It’s not just the fact that you want to dominate in general, but the way people see you is probably something at the front of your mind. You have a particular way you want people to see you and you make sure they see you that way. You’re particularly dominant when it comes to the things you’re passionate about, and you always succeed. If you pair this with a Scorpio Nessus, you’re probably in the BDSM community already. If abuse occurs, it’s usually sexual and/or at a young age.

2nd: Your power lays in your desire for material possessions and ideal surroundings. You’re one of those people that save up money just to go shopping for a day. The way your surroundings feel is very important to you, so you probably end up cleaning everything around you or moving things to make sure you feel comfortable. The way things feel and smell and touch, you probably have really soft blankets, comfy chairs, candles or incense, and fairy lights exactly to your taste. If abuse occurs, it may be through being over possessive.

3rd: Your power lays in your desire for communication and community affairs. You like to lead conversations, tend to speak over people. You usually direct the conversations in the directions you want. Awkwardly quiet situations probably make you very uncomfortable. You may involve yourself in community events like library events, and get carried away with communication, whether it’s verbal talking or writing. You tend to think that everything you say is true. If abuse occurs, it’s most likely verbal abuse.

4th: Your power lays in your desire for family and stability. Your controlling nature may materialise in your need for stable foundation. You’ll become bossy when you’re trying to help people or keep the homestead ‘homely’. Instead of giving advice you might tell someone exactly what they should do, and you may feel offended when they don’t listen to you. If abuse occurs, it may be in a home environment or by family.

5th: Your power lays in your desire for happiness and confidence. You can become selfish with this placement, disregarding other’s feelings in order to get what makes you happy. Like the 9th house, you may take on an ‘what’s the point of life if I’m not happy?’ mindset. Even with low self-esteem, you probably pretend to be big-headed and confident, and hate it when people see the insecurities you try to hide. If abuse occurs, it’s likely through personal gain.

6th: Your power lays in your desire for organisation and health. You’re probably prone to hypochondria. You might go through strict diets and exercise plans, search for symptoms and call the doctor as soon as something feels wrong so you can sort it out quickly. Organising events is stressful but something you are good at, but you can become very bossy when things don’t go your way. You tend to have a very tidy house and daily-diary. If abuse occurs, it may be through work environments.

7th: Your power lays in your desire for relationships and fair-play. Justice is very important to you, and anyone getting into law with this placement will go very far. You may be the controlling friend, need to host get-togethers to keep your friends close. You might tend to have an OCD thing going when it comes to fairness, and you’re the first to act when you feel like something is unfair, you’ll do what needs to be done to make sure people get what they deserve. Probably a popular Gryffindor placement… if abuse occurs, its likely by friends or partners.

8th: Your power lays in your desire for sexuality and death. This house may indicate major sexual kinks. The difference in this, however, is that these people are going to want the upper hand in these situations. They want the control. Whether they deem themselves a ‘top’ or ‘bottom’, they will still harness the power. If abuse occurs, it’s likely through sex or violence.

9th: Your power lays in your desire for freedom and teaching. When teaching others, you tend to implement your own ideas and creativity onto them, which ends up supressing and limiting theirs. Your need for freedom may end up materialising as pushing people away or disregarding the opinions and feelings of others to keep what you deem as freedom. Like 5th house, you may have a tendency to may take on an ‘what’s the point of life if I’m not happy?’ mindset. If abuse occurs, it’s probably in spiritual environments or by mentors.

10th: Your power lays in your desire for status and structure. You make scary bosses. You need to know everything about everything in order to structure everything perfectly, and you won’t stand for less than perfect. You need to see yourself progress and your social status needs to align with what you want, and you tend to become uncomfortable when people mess with what you’ve gained. If abuse occurs, it’s likely on the path to success or in work environments.

11th: Your power lays in your desire for community and social rebellion. You may find yourself in high authority of community clubs and charities, social movements like ‘free the nipple’. You probably take offense when someone else’s opinion isn’t your own, as you’ll probably see it as someone not believing in social progress. On a funny note…you’re probably the ones who are going to save the world after an apocalypse. If abuse occurs, it may be by people in your community or in community affairs.

12th: Your power lays in your desire for spirituality and creativity. This placement is probably the weakest of them all. Your desire for power is probably very internalised. You’ll likely desire the power, but you won’t pursue it. If, by chance, you do, you probably tend to think ‘it’s my way or the highway’ when it comes to your spiritual beliefs. If abuse occurs, it’s usually during childhood.

#mine #zodiac #astrology #asteroid #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #houses #signs #power #nessus

[fusonzai]

Salvation through writing 2: Life goals and horny Frank Ocean

There’s a phrase in Japanese called Ikigai, it contains the character for living 生 and the character for worth 甲斐 combining to mean “reason for being’’. There’s a philosophy around it mainly dissected on Youtube about how Japan believes everyone has a job that they’re right for. You know you’re ‘doing Ikigai’ when you find a job nourishes your soul whilst benefiting society. Finding a job that you’re good at, you enjoy doing, something that benefits society and puts food on the table is the path to a fulfilling life.

This concept of Ikigai is applies to everyone. Not everybody wants to be a rich professional entrepreneur/snake oil salesman. Everybody has their own unique skillset, strengths and weaknesses that suit a variety of vocations. Ikigai asserts that some people genuinely enjoy and take satisfaction in performing tasks others might deem menial. Therefore, anybody can find their Ikigai; be it a janitor, bureaucrat or international hip hop artist.

After the decade defining album ‘Blonde’, Frank Ocean graduated from teenage melancholy and angst with a drip feed of more upbeat, confident tracks. In one of these tracks ‘In My Room’ he raps “got this lust for life in me, horny for the game,” and then precedes to wax lyrical about all his achievements and bravado. These post Blonde tracks have this maturity and confidence to them. If he was reminiscing about uncertainty and the teenage experience in Blonde, he was well and truly growing up now. Forging deeper connections and leaving deeper scars.

(In My Room cover art, I tried to recreate this shot and failed)

Frank Ocean writes music, he seems to enjoy it and he’s damn well good at it too. He profits from it and, if the amount of times Blonde appears on Best Album of the decade lists is any indication, his music is well received by society.

So, if Frank Ocean’s Ikigai is being horny for the game? What’s mine?

In 2014 I went through what is still up until this day the lowest point in my life. To begin with I’d graduated university with a useless degree and was having a very hard time finding any work relating to it all. My casual job had dried up,I wasn’t only wayward but poor now too. The final blow was realising I was romantically interested in my best friend’s sister, only to then be rejected and see them both fade from my life in quick succession.

I was alone, I was embarrassed, and I actively hated waking up every day. I dreaded consciousness itself. I didn’t want to think about anyone or anything. I’d dull myself with junk food and video games. Holed up in my room for 14 hours a day, trying to get to the gym or even take my dog for a walk was a challenge. I got to the point where I tried to make a schedule for myself. Really small goals like going for a walk or going to the gym. The hardest thing I had to do was watch an arthouse movie a day, and I couldn’t even manage that.

I was in this state and I felt I had nobody I could turn to. I didn’t know how to explain it to my friends my own age and I didn’t want my parents to worry any more than they were. Then I remembered a mature age student from university, who would always have this way of making me feel alright about life when we chatted. I still had his number from months prior and when I felt I was at breaking point, I called. He listened to my ramblings and even gave me part time work at his cafe. He then sincerely said to me that I should seek some professional help, be that counselling or psychiatry. I truly valued his opinion in that hearing this didn’t feel like something I could blow off. It felt like a shockwave. He was genuinely worried for my wellbeing. I owed it not only to myself but also to him to seek help. So I did exactly that.

I visited the doctor’s office I’d been going to for years (often with embarrassing issues) yet talking about my mental health felt leagues more difficult. He asked if I wanted to see someone that could prescribe me drugs or if I just wanted to see a psychologist. I recall jokingly saying something like ‘it wasn’t real depression so a psychologist would be fine.’ He didn’t smile or laugh and just gave me a referral.

I drove to Sunshine and attended my first session of five free counselling sessions.

Throughout these sessions, it was honestly hard to gauge if I got anywhere. After all, you’re just talking and it’s really your actions outside the room that facilitate the change. As we talked, the psychologist suggested that the cause of almost all my issues was not having a steady job and if I just got one of them, then I’d be fine. If I just filled my time with work, I’d be too busy to really think about everything else that mattered. He believed it was the joblessness that was causing all this; I needed to get out of the muck immediately. However, I was on the other end of the spectrum, I wanted to go down as far as I could. I had romanticised reaching some sort of true rock bottom because I thought then, and only then, could I build myself back up. The five free sessions ended and I was convinced I wasn’t ‘really depressed’ and stopped going after that. What I got out of it was that I needed to work.

While not knowing the full brunt of what was going on with me, my friends and family also encouraged finding some kind of permanent job. After some failed attempts and Centrelink lines, I struck gold. Through sheer luck I landed a full-time job at a pretty nice cafe. This wasn’t a career or some sort of path forward, it was a plug to stop the depression. I told myself if I’m working, then nearly all my problems would go away. I never stopped and asked myself why at the time though. Why am I working? Am I working towards something or just working?

(Blonded)

I’d hole myself up at the cafe for the next 2 years of my life. Those two years were pure autopilot. I didn’t have any goals, I was working five days a week, seeing my friends on my days off, rinse and repeat. The only thing I remember about this time was the vague goal of moving to Japan for a year; which eventually became a reality.

The word ‘brave’ got thrown around a lot when I told people I was leaving. I liked the compliment, but it didn’t sit right with me. By the time I was about to move, I’d spent the previous 3 years working almost exclusively with people who weren’t from Australia originally, or people who were here on working holiday visas. I was just doing the same as they were. Another language and a completely different culture didn’t make me brave all of a sudden. I wasn’t entering a new country with rose coloured glasses or illusions about what I was doing there.

(Back when study was a lot easier)

So I set off and spent a year bumbling around in Tokyo, being poor, having little breakdowns and locking myself away when it got too tough occasionally. This didn’t feel brave. I’d work in cafes and restaurants in the upper class areas of Tokyo, my bosses would tell me x person was famous for this and y person was famous for that. I’d see these excessive bills and displays of wealth every day and every night. I’d then ride the shabby elevator down to the staff room and get changed out of my uniform as I tried to figure out if I had enough cash to get a snack from the convenience store. I was doing the exact same thing as I was in Australia just with a different background, I wasn’t improving. There was no job trajectory. Another loop of nothing. Killing more time, I could have done this forever and fool myself into thinking it was alright because it had a different coat of paint.

So I left Tokyo.

I went North to Hokkaido, hoping to find something better, and for a time I did. It was a barista job like the others, but with opportunities to do more. I went from just making coffee to modelling, translating (badly), interpreting (also badly) and eventually roasting coffee. I felt on the up. I was getting pretty damn good at my job: bringing in people from overseas, helping my company forge new friendships and leave a mark on the Japanese coffee scene. After 18 months of hard work and study I finally had a working visa, a semblance of normalcy and a direction.

I began to envision myself in the future with an even better job and a better grasp of the language. I’d made friends and I could even see myself living in Japan permanently. Also, I was in love. Boy, was I convinced I was in love. This feeling just gripped me, overwhelmed my senses and completely rearranged my priorities. Up until now, such feelings had always been one-sided or unreciprocated. Although this time the feelings flowed both ways. I’d light up to see her name on my phone; we’d talk about the future for hours on end as I’d envision us growing old together. I’d imagine our families meeting for the first time, moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, having kids. Things that felt so foreign, now seemed obvious with her. I felt like I had at least figured out one aspect of my life by now; I had someone beside myself to strive for. I wanted to make a future not only for myself, but for us.

My life finally felt balanced, I was doing a job that I was good at it, I was making a living abroad and my personal life finally felt at peace.

Yet here’s the thing, I began to realise I wasn’t doing any of it right. I wasn’t as satisfied as I was tricking myself into thinking I was. To begin with, I couldn’t see myself doing this job for the rest of my life. The merit of it being a stepping stone onto something better also seemed farfetched now. I’d never get fully out of coffee while still being in coffee.

Once I realised how much this job wasn’t right for me anymore, I began to notice the red flags. The days felt more repetitive and repetitive, my higher ups got verbally abusive, and I didn’t stand up for myself. I was demoted and sent to work far off in a ski resort nobody else wanted to go to. Back to serving the people rich enough to be in a such a resort reminded me of how little I’d really done. I felt like I was back in Tokyo spinning my wheels. The distance of the resort also meant I went from seeing my friends almost every day to about once every couple of months. The isolation began to kick in.

At least I still had my relationship, right? Well, those feelings I wrote about; I fought myself in an attempt not to show them. I spent all of my energy trying to fight them at the time because I thought it was too much. I’d not reply to messages, be vague and try to pretend our relationship wasn’t all I thought about it. I had all of this inside me, wanting to show the world and my partner how I felt. Yet I never matured to that point; I never had the confidence to just say how I felt in the present.

Relationships can’t live on lies for long and before I knew it mine had slipped through my fingers as well.

(Shaved my head and flew to Tokyo for a $500 cup of coffee)

It was now the end of 2019: work was awful, I’d self-sabotaged a real relationship, and I was stuck in this ski resort doing nothing. I felt like I had done all this work only to end up back to where I’d started; I was looping. I seriously contemplated ending that loop. Unlike the way I was in 2014, I felt like I’d actually tried this time. I’d gotten out there, found work, found meaning, found substance. Yet it felt so moot. I felt like I’d done nothing for anyone around me except, at the least, inconvenience them, and at worst, hurt them. I was making the same mistakes, wasting my own time and everyone else’s. For the first time in years, I broke down crying on the phone to my close friend, just despairing over the futility of it all.

That spiral continued on through all of 2020. I made more mistakes. I revisited places I shouldn’t have and before I knew it, it was snowing, and I was back in the same damn ski resort. I knew something had to change, yet I was doing absolutely nothing about it. This mediocrity was crushing me spiritually, but I was safe inside the familiarity. I could do that job until I died.

I was back to being scolded from superiors, being disconnected from my friends (again) and most of all being dishonest to myself. People often say of life changing moments, things like ‘I knew at that moment what I had to do’ or ‘I decided then and there’. I’ve always stumbled in and out of life changing events, never quite prepared and never sure things are going to be as definitive as they become. This time though it felt different. I sat down with my boss and heard about his ideal future for me. I realised I wanted nothing to do with it. So I told him as much and fortunately, he understood.

Now, for the first time since leaving university I’m about to become unemployed.

Here’s what surprises me upon reflection. I’m not nervous about it at all. That huge sense of dread that accompanied me when I finished university isn’t here. Leaving on my own terms feels good. It feels empowering and often overwhelming, yet knowing I put myself into this situation makes me believe that it’s all going to be alright. There’s nobody nudging me to quit, I just know I’m done with this part of my life. I need to do more; I can do more. It’s imperative for my own health and for those around me that I do more. I know what my own hell looks like because I’ve been there for the last 18 months. It stands to reason that to get out of it I need to do the opposite of what I’ve been doing. There isn’t a blueprint to follow so much as there’s pages of journal entries guiding me on what not to do. I have one page in my diary that is just ‘I HAVE GIFTS AND I SQUANDER THEM’ written until the page ends.

Yet there’s something still lingering. A question I ask myself more and more often. Why though? Why do I need to do more? What am I working towards? What am I doing it for?

Self-help books, Instagram influencers and Jordan Peterson lectures talk about envisioning a future and then aiming for that, using an ideal future as something to strive for. Take a second, imagine what you would want if there was nothing stopping you (within reason), then make a plan, and strive for that. You can then categorise whatever you do on a daily basis as things that either help or hinder that ideal future. My problem with this is that I can’t write up an ideal future because I honestly don’t know what I want for myself. I’ve sat myself down on occasion and tried asking myself. I’ve been writing these pieces as a way to flesh thoughts out in an attempt to strike gold. There are things I’m interested in, but not all that good at, when I go to study them or get better, I don’t see an endgame to it. If I’ve got enough media, friends and a work life balance it seems I can keep sailing by, but I really want to know what is the point of heading any direction?

I can’t envision a future with me in it, let alone an ideal one where I’m ‘living my best life’. It is almost as if I have replaced my fear and anxiety about the future with ambivalence. Whereas I used to think about the future and break down, I now just think about it and refuse to believe it will ever happen. I don’t associate negative emotion with these thoughts, I just think it’s useful to observe them. Barring a miracle, I don’t think I’m going to wake up one day and never think these thoughts again. I oscillate between the above nihilism and this belief that I can do more, be better and improve myself. I’m writing in an attempt to reconcile such a contradiction.

We arrive back at Frank Ocean, his lust for life and Ikigai. While Frank seems to have taken time to work something out with himself, I’m still not quite there. I haven’t found my passion (horny for the game, in other words) yet given time I know I’ll be lusting for life, too. It’s a selfish journey for now, but it’s one that’s arguably made progress. I look back at 20-year-old me, slumped down on the kitchen floor bawling my eyes out, my dog trying to nudge her way into my face to see what’s wrong. I realise now that I was at that rock bottom I wanted to reach. I had zero clue about what to do with myself then and really no forward trajectory. Now I at least have some sense of where to go, obtained through mistakes, courage, and self-inquiry. It’s not the inspiring 180 that people like to read, but it’s an improvement nonetheless. I’m still figuring it out as I go. I can be certain of one thing, I’ll keep making mistakes. I can take those mistakes and turn them into progress. Little by little that progress may one day account for something amazing.

[kyloxfem]

Plan Your Lifestyle, Then Business

The jobs we do, the business we have, and where we live all affect the quality of life. I honestly believe it to build a successful business you need to envision the lifestyle you would like to have first. By way of instance, it doesn't make sense for me to begin a fishing business once I hate fish. Irrespective of how much money I make, I will despise every second of the procedure. Wealth isn't just measured in terms of cash but the fullness of life we enjoy because of this. Lifestyle design or lifestyle entrepreneurship is designing your business around the lifestyle you desire. Lifestyle design is something that became important to me when I had my first kid. 

I knew I didn't need to spend hours working out of my kids but at the exact same time I had to provide for them. I was determined my kids weren't going to invest hundreds of hours in daycare and because of this I negotiated with my boss to design my own job in this way where I could spend quality time with my baby. Despite the fact that I didn't have a formal terminology for it then I never based my choice on taking a work based on money alone. The job had to be flexible enough to give me the lifestyle I wanted. I wasn't reluctant to eliminate all of the conventional norms of starting a business and building a business that will afford me the lifestyle I love. 

I've been really blessed all through this procedure. Arranging a lifestyle business Primarily - specific and measurable Objectives If you throw up a cent, it is going to come down: One fact we can't escape is that we will probably end up in the direction we're heading. We can't fulfill the goals we set for ourselves unless we aim for them. So in case you wish to design a business that accommodates your preferred lifestyle, you must become very specific. To put it differently, you require specific and measurable targets. As an example, as opposed to saying,"I wish to drop weight" state"I need to lose 10 lbs in 3 weeks". 

Having specific and quantifiable goals can interpret in any part of life. If your lifestyle purpose is to spend your winters someplace warm then you want to incorporate that taste in your business. You Will Have to consider a way to structure your business where: You earn enough money to pay for the lifestyle Your business is mobile/ flexible enough where leaving your permanent residence for a complete season won't disrupt cash flow. If you don't take your preferences into account, what ends up happening is that you develop a business you learn how to hate and you end up stuck at a hamsters wheel. 

Arranging a lifestyle business is less complex than people make it. Second, identify what you need to understand and learn In the event of losing 10 lbs in 3 weeks, you would have to learn how to lose 10 lbs in 3 months. When you have clear specific objectives, then understanding what you will need to know will come really straightforward. Thirdly, write some actionable steps you can take to Begin As soon as you know what you will need to know, you will need to write some actionable steps about the best way best to gather the information you want. 

To lose 10 pounds in 3 weeks, you can do the following: Purchase a book on how to loose 10 pounds in 3 weeks and then do it yourself Research online for a few practical steps on losing 10 pounds in 3 weeks Hire a personal trainer Join a gym Your actionable measures should be composed in this way where it takes you one step farther than you are now. You don't need to learn how to reach the end line but every action should lead one to the next one that eventually takes you to the end line. 

For example if you're totally clueless, you can hire a personal trainer to take you through the process. When you employ an expert, you have the benefit of having someone help you to the finish line faster than you can do by yourself. We often have a mental picture of what we shall like to attain. Finally, ask yourself,"Am I prepared to pay the purchase price? This is a tough question: I hear guys talk about needing a close family, but they are not inclined to put their family ahead of the career or hobbies. Someone says they need to progress in their career, but they are not keen to obtain the education necessary. Achieving success at anything requires a certain degree of sacrifice. 

Some people might want to attain the degree, but they are not willing to invest what's required to get there. Sooner or later you'll have to determine if you're prepared to make the necessary sacrifice. After you determine what's required of you, you want to ask yourself if you're willing to pay the purchase price. Don't start unless you honestly answer this question or you won't ever finish. 

Do not answer this question too fast but spend some time wrestling with this question and be honest to yourself. Should you decide to pay the purchase price, share your goal with a person who can keep you accountable. To achieve anything in life, you will need to do things differently. Insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over again, expecting a different result every time.

Warrior Wisdom - The Warrior Lifestyle

What's the warrior lifestyle? The warrior is a rare individual in the current world. He lives life with another set of values compared with the rest of society. Even people who do share the same values, seldom live a lifestyle that adheres to all those values to the extent that the warrior does. To most people, ethics are situational. They make decisions based on what's best for them, rather than what's right. This is not true with the warrior. 

The warrior values honor, ethics, justice, and his awareness of what's right, above all else. His ethics aren't situational; they are his lifestyle. The warrior lifestyle revolves around a code of ethics that is non-negotiable. The warrior's code of ethics, or code of honor, is taken very seriously. To the warrior, differentiating between right and wrong is of extreme importance. He sees right and wrong concerning black and white. He understands that an action is either honorable or dishonorable. 

This isn't intended to indicate that honor is black and white; honor isn't that simple. People who live the lifestyle of the warrior understand that whether or not an action is honorable, depends upon both one's intentions and the situation at hand. This isn't to be confused with situational ethics. The warrior's integrity does not change based on the circumstance. His activities will alter as needed, but his integrity remains set in stone. There's a large difference between actions and ethics. Ethics determines actions; activities don't determine ethics. 

The warrior lifestyle is concerned with what is right and what is honorable. A warrior's integrity revolves around both of these issues. Justice and honor are foremost on his mind. His thoughts are based on"what's correct," not on other people's views of what's right. He realizes that a lot of people profess a belief in absolutes they live by, nor genuinely believe in, when push comes to shove. The only absolute that the warrior lives by is that of what's right and wrong. If it isn't right, he does not do it. 

He decides what is right and wrong by his strict code of ethics, not some random laws or the politically correct standards of the day. The warrior doesn't seem to be honorable; he's honorable. Sincerity is ingrained in this lifestyle. This is a lifestyle that's supposed to be lived, not fantasized about, or simply discussed. This lifestyle includes much more than being educated in the art of warfare or the art of self-indulgent, but these are an essential part of the life of the warrior. Additionally, it comprises the challenge to perfect one's personality. 

This is a process similar to the Japanese idea of kaizen. Kaizen can be interpreted as a continuous, never-ending improvement. True warriors attempt to use this concept in every area of their life. They attempt to balance and enhance each area - soul, mind, and body, on a daily basis. Each area of your life is important and needs to be kept in equilibrium. Training guys in the art of warfare or at the art of martial arts, without regard to character, just produce a dangerous man; it doesn't produce a warrior. In years past, the martial arts masters wouldn't train someone completely until they felt confident of the individual's character. 

Nowadays many schools will train anyone who can pay, no matter their character or lack of personality. This can be dangerous information to give to any and everybody who comes along. In my opinion, personality should be a necessity, not just for martial arts instruction, but for lots of the privileges which we enjoy in this nation. I'm asked frequently whether or not I think that the term"warrior" should apply only to military women and men who've been in war or to educated and experienced fighters. 

Although I realize that is the literal definition of a warrior, I don't believe this is the right definition, not based on the numerous accounts from previous warriors anyway. This literal definition of a warrior isn't the definition that's used for our discussion of the warrior lifestyle in Warrior Wisdom. An ape can be trained to throw punches and kick, a puppy could be trained to fight, but it does not make either of them warriors. Being a warrior entails more than being trained to fight or being in the army; it entails character training also. Character training is the real objective of Bushido, the way of the warrior. 

Please do not misunderstand me have great respect for our military women and men. But I feel that everyone who has ever served in the military will agree that not every soldier lives by the personality traits that are essential for the warrior lifestyle, any more than every martial artist or each individual in overall lives by these criteria. I am not taking anything away from people who serve our nation. Every person who serves our nation deserves our respect and gratitude, but support does not necessarily indicate that a man is concerned with perfecting their character. 

It's uncommon to find individuals who take their integrity seriously today. It's not uncommon to find people who claim to take their integrity seriously, but I am referring to people who walk into the walk, not just"talk the talk." Yes, the warrior is worried about physical training and martial arts, but he also understands that personality training is the cornerstone of the warrior lifestyle. The true warrior ought to be trained in martial arts. His integrity requires that he be prepared to defend his family, friends, or himself in certain circumstances. 

In the world today, you don't know when you might need to use your martial arts skills. It's very important that you have this training to be self-reliant as secure as possible, but with no code of ethics, which relies on a profound comprehension of right and wrong, there's absolutely not any warrior; there's just someone trained to fight. 

#lifestyle #business #warrior lifestyle #Plan Your Lifestyle

[brishu]

Everybody’s Heart’s in the Same Fucking Place

My shift at the Park Slope Food Coop is usually the first Saturday of the month (A Week). I am the squad leader for the 8:30 PM Food Processing shift and, for the past 9 years, I have amassed a spotless record of showing up drunk. Sometimes I wonder if a non-shift encounter with any of my squadmates would make them think, “There’s something different about you right now.” Under my drunken helm, nobody’s cut themselves on a cheese slicer or box cutter or tape roll blade. And for the most part nobody’s emerged from the coop’s basement after two and a half hours getting bossed around by a booze-soaked contrarian nursing any grievous emotional injuries. Actually, more often than not, somebody doing a make-up or holding up their end of a shift swap enjoys their time so much that they try to join our squad. 

But this is the Park Slope Food Coop and the self-righteousness is as abundant as the kale. I am not the first grump to notice that some people base their most cherished beliefs on whose approval they gain. Why would you want to brutalize the planet to access natural gas when you can oppose it and feel like you’re marching right alongside Mark Ruffalo? Would you rather your foreign policy views align with the sneering, bomb-happy conservatism of Norman Podhoretz or the serene brilliance of Noam Chomsky? These are obtuse dichotomies, to be sure. So here’s a specific one: I am skeptical of the gun control movement. Less than 10 minutes of research can tell anybody who wants to know that more than 1 million AR-15s get sold each year. For those who might stagger in horror at a number that high, I’d ask you to take a moment and consider some other information that sales figure connotes. Personally, I’m extremely reluctant to demonize that many people I don’t know. Setting aside the implicit interpersonal dynamics lecture and moving from cursory research to wonkier statistics, we can learn that mass shootings account for less than 1% of gun deaths in a given year. In 2017, 39,773 people were killed by guns in America. 23,854 or 60% were suicides, and of the 14,542 or 37% that were homicides, 117 fatalities fit the legal definition of “mass shooting.” If this sounds like I’m trying to minimize the horror inspired by mass shootings in America, it’s because I am. Does this mean I side with gun owners over victims of these atrocities? No, it does not. It means I reject the notion that those are the two sides pitted against each other. And I will assert that fear of losing a loved one in a mass shooting is about as mathematically sound as treating a lottery ticket like a reliable path to wealth. But there’s actual likelihood, and then there’s media-spurred terror. So I’m not exactly raring to see a penstroke turn several million law-abiding citizens into criminals just because an incident I heard about in the news upset me.

Anyway, I only mention this because one time a young guy doing a make-up on my Food Processing shift started lecturing me about the correlation between Scandinavian rights to bear arms (according to him, they have none) and the number of gun-related deaths they suffer there. And yes alcohol was a factor but I got really pissed off at this guy. In retrospect, I should have been patient and respectful as he regurgitated his boilerplate arguments. But I guess I was too busy getting rankled by his presumption that only cretins unworthy of respect could harbor views as indifferent to human suffering as mine, instead of thinking, “Hmm, this guy seems pretty smart and he’s rocking a terrific playlist and everyone on his squad seems to like him a lot so maybe there’s more to his viewpoint than my kneejerk assumptions have led me to believe.” So I unleashed a bunch of other data and upbraided him for being so obtuse that he presumed my suspicions about anti-gun rhetoric amounted to my being a MAGA-head. The basement got tense and I apologized for making things awkward for everyone and changed subjects to talk about movies (whereupon our anti-gun crusading dried mango bagger announced that he was boycotting Miramax’s ouevre. Good for him.). 

For years, our shift occurred the night before the Superbowl and the night before the Oscars and we worked hard to stock the shelves upstairs with enough cheeses, olives, nuts, dried fruits, teas and spices to sate the frenzied consumption that is de rigueur on these particular Sundays. Eventually, A-Week Saturday rotated away and it was up to some other squad to work like Santa’s unpaid elves to meet the demands on Pepper Jack and Brie. But somehow our shift remains on the one Saturday night when I refuse to exert myself (or get shitfaced): Marathon Eve. 

So last year I swapped shifts with someone who liked our squad so much that she joined. My policy is that as long as you show up with some regularity, you’re welcomed warmly on our shift. We care about each other’s families and careers, opinions on matters political and artistic, and general well-being. This is less some sort of management strategy enacted to optimize productivity than a simple extension of the good will I feel toward nearly all people and certainly all Food Processors (even the Pulp Fiction boycotter who pronounces Weinstein incorrectly). Now. At our shift in August, the subject of the coop’s long, tortured debate on carrying Israeli products came up. I love this subject, even though I disagree with almost every other view anybody has on it. I don’t agree with ardent supporters of Boycott, Divestments and Sanctions, and I certainly don’t agree with the ultra-orthodox Jews who consider all criticism of Israel tantamount to Naziism.

My first exposure to this debate was at a General Meeting in the summer of 2012. The meeting was held in the ballroom of Congregation Beth Elohim, of which we are members. People I expected to shoot down anything anti-Israel (because they looked like elderly Jews) stood up passionately decrying coop complicity in Israeli policies they already unwillingly supported by paying taxes. And then some younger people with tattoos and gender fluidity vibes stood up in defense of selling Israeli products. The debate was passionate but civil. I found all arguments convincing and simply loved being in a room among people who cared so deeply about doing the right thing. Ultimately the boycotters advanced their initiative one more rung along the coop’s bureaucracy, and the next General Meeting would include a vote on whether to have a coop-wide referendum to BDS or not to BDS. 

This meeting got so much publicity that the coop needed to rent a larger space, so 1,600 or 10% of all Park Slope Food Coop members filed into the auditorium at Brooklyn Tech. BDS advocates who were not coop members stood outside leafleting attendees, while school buses ferried several minyanim of ultra-orthodox Jews. Unlike this meeting’s predecessor, the tone was not civil and the arguments were not convincing. They were hystrionic pleas that transparently appealed to each speaker’s own moral vanity. Lost in the debate was any consideration for practical details like how much it would cost to stage a coop-wide referendum, or have the BDSers found alternative, morally acceptable sources for vegan marshmallows? And meanwhile, it became very clear, very quickly that the measure to hold a referendum was going to get voted down. So the series of speakers dabbling in petty-demagoguery was a depressing waste of time. 

Two months later, at a meeting I did not attend, the issue came up again, and aroused such anger that a physical altercation occurred. After that, the subject was banned from future General Meetings. While appreciating the moral passion on all sides, my personal view was that people who wanted to boycott should, but they had to acknowledge that other coop members wanted to buy these supposedly blood-soaked products and depriving them of that right felt like some kind of tyranny too. 

Anyway, the tortured history of the debate comes up every now and then and I always love hearing what other people think, and also amplifying my own view that the passions that made the debate inflammatory are part of what makes the coop so special to me. So during our August shift, the woman who had swapped with me on the first Saturday of November, 2018, said with no compunction whatsoever that Israel was guilty of genocide. And despite my inebriation (that night I had done most of my drinking at a dear friend’s surprise 60th birthday party), I was able to express disagreement with this term, and assurance that, whereas many people would hear that and go through a series of internal reactions that would result in antipathy toward the issuer of such a serious charge, I understood that her beliefs were motivated by a desire to do the right thing, whatever that may be. Now she may have thought that I was just another Jew defending the indefensible. And I may have thought she was just another self-righteous ignoramus who prizes wokeness over common sense. But speaking for myself, nobody’s just another anything. In my consumption of online commentary, I see a lot of “[that] tells you all you need to know about her.” And it amazes me that this is an acceptable way to rest your personal case against a person who is always more complex, and usually well-meaning, than you presume when you decide that one view, or one errant phrase is a full representation of another person’s soul. That the practice of basing a holistic view of another person on one political position is so blithely unexamined suggests to me that anxieties underlying our need to close our minds are the real problem. 

I got annoyed with my fellow squad member. In truth I’m still kind of annoyed, both with her, and with the consortium of opinion that sent her forth believing that accusing Israel of genocide is the right thing to do. And it would be more comfortable for me to let my annoyance snowball into full-blown contempt (spurred at some level by the same anxieties which lead to over-eager mind-closing), to tie her incorrect view of my people’s national homeland to the neuroses her parenting has visited on her daughter, even to her insufficient appreciation of my marathon running, all of which are trumped up charges to be sure. Plenty of people would do exactly this, with no real consequence. They’d condemn this person because her version of doing the right thing is in opposition to theirs. Where is the conscience that holds condemnation at bay? 

Either way, while I feel alright about being able to see the light in this person despite my ethyl-clouded mindframe augmenting the shadows cast by her risible political views, I still struggle to find the balance between advancing views I know to be correct with being more of a conduit than a catalyst. And it also feels unfair that I agonize over this stuff only to see significantly less introspective people exert greater influence. But none of that will stop me from getting rip-roaring drunk before my next coop shift.

#Park Slope #Park Slope Food Coop #Coop #Woke #Cancel Culture #Israel #Palestine #Cheese #Food Processing #Alcohol