bluenaja - Tumblr blog

bluenaja · 4 years

Text

I couldn’t sleep so I just made this at 3 AM. 🌙👁✨She attacks anyone that gets on my last nerves lol.

2 notes · View notes

bluenaja · 4 years

Text

I recently went through an experience in my life that changed me a lot! And I feel like this essay I wrote can help someone out there who is going through similar emotions! If you feel like you don’t know why certain things are happening in your life and feel like sometimes things never go the way you hope for them to go. Take time to read this. ❤️ I love you, take care!

_______________

Not Knowing (A short essay for myself & others, to help cope with inner emotions)

By: Eugene Porterfield Jr

I used to think that if I showed my heart to people, and was honest and loving, that nothing but positive things would happen in my life. I was obviously a kid then, and now that I am a Young adult, I have learned that that was not the truth at all. I have learned that sometimes you can try your hardest to be loving and genuine and you can still get crushed. However, there’s sometimes hidden blessings in those moments, we just have to wipe away our tears to see them.

Now let me be clear, I am not an angel, I have made mistakes, and have hurt feelings and have broken hearts. Did I plan to do those things? Absolutely not, it is usually never anyone’s intentions to hurt another being emotionally, physically, spiritually, or mentally. But sometimes we do it, and for those of us who have a heart, we hate it when we hurt people. Then we eventually encounter people that hurt us deeply, it is a pain that we struggle so hard to move past, but every day we work towards not feeling the pain again. I’ve recently went through a very painful experience where I met an amazing friend, and I felt like that friend had romantic feelings for me, so I took a chance and professed my feelings to that friend as if we were in some teenage romantic comedy film. Sadly, what I thought would be a warm evening, turned into a cold chilling night. I felt like an idiot, I felt so dumb for so long, I kept telling myself “You thought you had a chance at true love.” It was a nightmare.

But like I said earlier, we must find the hidden blessings in those moments. Obviously, I struggled to find the hidden blessing and I still am struggling to find it. What I am realizing though is that, I do not have to shove my way through a garbage bin to find the diamond in it. Instead, I needed to take the time to first forgive myself, for being hard on myself. Then I needed to understand that even though the situation did not turn out like how I wanted, it turned out exactly the way it was supposed to. See, me and that friend had a recent conversation after I told him I needed time away from him, so that I can lose those romantic feelings and continue being friends. And you might be wondering why I would want to stay friends with him, and honestly, I do not have a concrete answer for you. Maybe me and him are not meant to be friends? Maybe part of me just wants to latch onto some remnant of our connection because I do not want to let him go. I did know though, that he was and is a great friend that always wants me to know how much he cares about me.

Let us return to the recent conversation I had with this friend though. Basically, I messaged this friend to have an honest and loving conversation about our friendship and how I still think about him in a positive manor. I was plagued with dreams of this friend for a while after I stopped talking to him; it felt like something was telling me to contact him, but I completely refused to do that. Until I just could not bear it anymore and then I confronted those emotions and messaged him. He shared with me that he missed me too and that he cherished our friendship, he told me that he understood how I felt, and wanted me to have as much time to myself to meditate and regain my balance. Now… do you see why I was “head over heels” for him??? I appreciated his kind message, and a part of me wanted to ask him to give it a shot with me. But then I started to remind myself, “You live in Florida, he lives in California. You told him you had feelings for him and after all this time do you really think he wants you? Also, do you seriously even want him? Or were you just enamored with the idea of him?”

I had to run through all these questions to see if this was what I genuinely wanted. And after all of the inner dialogue I realized that I did lay all of my cards out on the table, and he showed me that he wasn’t interested, and I ultimately had to respect that and live with the knowledge of that. Also, I do not know how I could make a long-distance relationship like that work! I cared a lot about him, and I can tell that he cared about me. Who knows? Maybe in some different reality or life, me and him are happily together. But that is not the reality. He will probably never be attracted to me, and I had to learn to understand that and be at peace with it. It hurt me a lot because he met so many of the requirements of what I want in my dream guy. I just do not think I met his requirements.

And that is okay, I now live in a new reality learning that he will not be a part of it in the way that I thought he would. There is a chance, that we will be great friends and I would love that, and he shared with me that he would love that. I just knew that I needed more time to process and mourn a connection that I thought I would get to experience. I am not big on dating people; I really enjoy being single and being independent and I mean that. It is just when I heard his voice on the phone for the first time, and when we talked about the universe together. I felt my soul shine different colors than usual. When I told him that through text, he said he did not feel the same but felt something like that in a way. That confused me but I got the message, he basically did not feel what I felt, and that is completely fine.

Okay, so what was the hidden blessing in all of that! Honestly, the hell if I know. I guess the hidden blessing could be that a beautiful new friendship is blooming. Or the blessing is, I avoided a very painful romantic relationship. Also, he lives on the opposite end of the country I live in, so honestly, I do not know how we would have made it work. Unless one of us moved, which seems unlikely since me and him both have our own lives happening in our states. I also watched a recent YouTube video, and the woman said that its better to reveal your romantic feelings for someone and be let down, than to hold those feelings in forever and never know what the outcome could be.

So even though the outcome did not happen how I thought it would, it happened how it was supposed to. And he himself, told me that he is happy that I told him how I felt, so I guess that worked out, right? In this life, we probably will never find the answers to everything, and that is why I titled this “Not Knowing” because sometimes its good to just not know what the hell is going on. We are meant to continue living life and learning, so sometimes there will be moments where we just do not know. And whenever you find yourself “Not Knowing” what is going on with a situation. Just remind yourself that it is happening the way its supposed to. Breath, and remind yourself that you know what is best for you, and you will move in your power to best assist yourself and those around you into a better situation. Most importantly do it with love, and sincerity, and morality!

I love you, and I thank you for spending your precious and valuable time to read these words I felt like typing up late at night. We will all be okay. God bless you and take care!

2 notes · View notes

bluenaja · 4 years

Text

My illustration of Him & Sedusa from “The Powerpuff Girls” 🥀❤️☠️! I’ll be drawing another villain from the show soon!

50 notes · View notes

bluenaja · 4 years

Text

“It’s HIM” 🔥🔥🔥

My illustration/redesign of the character HIM from The Powerpuff Girls.

21 notes · View notes

bluenaja · 4 years

Photo

160K notes · View notes

bluenaja · 4 years

Text

My take on the Sailor Moon Redraw challenge.

#art #style #illustration #artist #design #blackartist #sailor moon #sailor moon redraw #redraw #horror #spooky #teeth #anime #horror anime #fan art #sailor scouts #vibe #new art

6 notes · View notes

bluenaja · 4 years

Text

All I Do Is Cry - Kim Petras

10 notes · View notes

bluenaja · 4 years

Text

Finally drew my version of Goldie! Ive always loved having Goldie in my town, and I got a lot of requests for her on my first post on Facebook. So I just had to show love to my girl!! 💛💛✨🐶 Also I am so addicted to the new Animal Crossing game 😭😭

6 notes · View notes

bluenaja · 4 years

Text

Back with another animal crossing illustration ✨💙 I got so many different requests on Facebook for different animals. So I wanted to draw Julian first, because I love that he loves astronomy and I love his magical vibe. Aside from that, I hope everyone is doing well! Recently I haven’t been doing too great, but the tough times are always temporary so I’ll be fine. And so will the rest of you! 💕

9 notes · View notes

bluenaja · 4 years

Text

Out of my excitement for Animal Crossing: New Horizons, I’m drawing my human versions of different AC Villagers! ❤️ I asked a group on Facebook for requests and I got a lot of them so more drawings will be coming soon