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welllpthisishappening · 3 years

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Welllp These Are Books: the June 2021 Edition

I have read a lot of books this month. That should be stated upfront. Just an absolute metric ton of books. Some real good, some not-so good, some inadvertently hysterical. Also, I made that BINGO board. Because, like, you ever have a total crisis of writing-confidence and ignore that potential freakout and the tendency of your coworkers to miss deadlines by reading every free Amazon sports romance you can find? And several full YA series? In one month? No? My experiences are not universal, I understand. Anyway, there’s thoughts and opinions and spoilers under the cut. Everyone read the Once Upon a Con series, I’m begging you.

READ THIS SERIES! PLEASE! EVERY BOOK WAS SO CUTE! EVERYONE IN EVERY BOOK WAS SO CUTE! THE FANDOM STUFF DID NOT GIVE ME SECOND-HAND EMBARRASSMENT!

Geekerella by Ashley Poston Part romance, part love letter to nerd culture, and all totally adorbs, Geekerella is a fairy tale for anyone who believes in the magic of fandom. Geek girl Elle Wittimer lives and breathes Starfield, the classic sci-fi series she grew up watching with her late father. So when she sees a cosplay contest for a new Starfield movie, she has to enter. The prize? An invitation to the ExcelsiCon Cosplay Ball, and a meet-and-greet with the actor slated to play Federation Prince Carmindor in the reboot. With savings from her gig at the Magic Pumpkin food truck (and her dad’s old costume), Elle’s determined to win…unless her stepsisters get there first. Teen actor Darien Freeman used to live for cons—before he was famous. Now they’re nothing but autographs and awkward meet-and-greets. Playing Carmindor is all he’s ever wanted, but the Starfield fandom has written him off as just another dumb heartthrob. As ExcelsiCon draws near, Darien feels more and more like a fake—until he meets a girl who shows him otherwise.

The Princess and the Fangirl by Ashley Poston Imogen Lovelace is an ordinary fangirl on an impossible mission: to save her favorite Starfield character, Princess Amara, from being killed off. On the other hand, the actress who plays Amara wouldn’t mind being axed. Jessica Stone doesn’t even like being part of the Starfield franchise—and she’s desperate to leave the intense scrutiny of fandom behind. Though Imogen and Jess have nothing in common, they do look strangely similar to one another—and a case of mistaken identity at ExcelsiCon sets off a chain of events that will change both of their lives. When the script for the Starfield sequel leaks, with all signs pointing to Jess, she and Imogen must trade places to find the person responsible. The deal: Imogen will play Jess at her signings and panels, and Jess will help Imogen’s best friend run their booth. But as these “princesses” race to find the script leaker—in each other’s shoes—they’re up against more than they bargained for. From the darker side of fandom to unexpected crushes, Imogen and Jess must find a way to rescue themselves from their own expectations...and redefine what it means to live happily ever after.

Bookish and the Beast by Ashley Poston In this third book of the Once Upon a Con series, Rosie Thorne is feeling stuck—on her college application essays, in her small town, and on that mysterious General Sond cosplayer she met at ExcelsiCon. Most of all, she’s stuck in her grief over her mother’s death. Her only solace was her late mother’s library of rare Starfield novels, but even that disappeared when they sold it to pay off hospital bills. On the other hand, Vance Reigns has been Hollywood royalty for as long as he can remember—with all the privilege and scrutiny that entails. When a tabloid scandal catches up to him, he’s forced to hide out somewhere the paparazzi would never expect to find him: Small Town USA. At least there’s a library in the house. Too bad he doesn’t read. When Vance’s and Rosie’s paths collide, sparks do not fly. But as they begrudgingly get to know each other, their careful masks come off—and they may just find that there’s more risk in shutting each other out than in opening their hearts.

— I cannot possibly overstate what an absolute delight this series was. Cute and sweet and adorable. Like rot your teeth sweet with romances that my high-school self would have swooned over. (I would have been so in love with Darien Freeman as a 16 year old, it’s not even funny. Also, I would have been obsessed with Starfield.) Let’s be honest, my current self swooned quite a lot. Reading these books genuinely felt like a love letter to fandom. To the good and bad and trashy parts of it, and it made my heart swell thinking about these fictional kids and the community they found and how much they learned and then they FELL IN LOVE and, like, not to sound like an after-school special, but: THE REP IN THESE BOOKS?!?? HOLY S H I T. So good. So goddamn good. And not, like, shoved to the side. Like, Jess falls in love with a girl. And it gets its swoon-worthy moment as much as anyone else. Plus, bi-librarian dad who wears suspenders??? Sign. Me. Up. Twisting the fairy tales into the stories also worked really well in my opinion. Honestly my only gripe was that Darien found a cell phone number in the white pages, but, like, everything else was a joy. Please read these books. I promise they will make you smile.

IN WHICH I CAN NEVER TURN DOWN A BEAUTY AND THE BEAST ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

Cruel Beauty by Rosamund Hodge Betrothed to the evil ruler of her kingdom, Nyx has always known that her fate was to marry him, kill him, and free her people from his tyranny. But on her seventeenth birthday when she moves into his castle high on the kingdom's mountaintop, nothing is what she expected—particularly her charming and beguiling new husband. Nyx knows she must save her homeland at all costs, yet she can't resist the pull of her sworn enemy—who's gotten in her way by stealing her heart.

— Yo. YO. Everyone in this book was horrible! And it was wonderful! I figured out the twist approximately point two seconds after the potential for a twist was possibly introduced and it did not diminish my enjoyment of this book for one second. I am such a sucker for any Beauty and the Beast AU, but this was way different than anything I’d read before and Nyx was a blood-thirsty terror and I loved her. The magic and the world building was fascinating in that I really did not expect Greek gods and goddess, but it was also a welcome turn in a weird, huh, that’s interesting sort of way. And the banter was a-plus, top tier. Even when they were snarking at each other. Especially when they were snarking at each other. (Still a pretty quick turn from enemies to lovers, but I’m willing to overlook that based almost solely on the snark.) Plus, the castle was fascinating. And there were more twists aside from the main twist, none of which I figured out. All of which I gasped over. The end was like—chef’s kiss, fantastic. I would like a novel-length sequel to tell me how everything worked out.

...BUT THE LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD ONE WASN’T AS GOOD

Crimson Bound by Rosamund Hodge When Rachelle was fifteen she was good—apprenticed to her aunt and in training to protect her village from dark magic. But she was also reckless—straying from the forest path in search of a way to free her world from the threat of eternal darkness. After an illicit meeting goes dreadfully wrong, Rachelle is forced to make a terrible choice that binds her to the very evil she had hoped to defeat.Three years later, Rachelle has given her life to serving the realm, fighting deadly creatures in a vain effort to atone. When the king orders her to guard his son Armand—the man she hates most—Rachelle forces Armand to help her hunt for the legendary sword that might save their world. Together, they navigate the opulent world of the courtly elite, where beauty and power reign and no one can be trusted. And as the two become unexpected allies, they discover far-reaching conspiracies, hidden magic . . . and a love that may be their undoing. Within a palace built on unbelievable wealth and dangerous secrets, can Rachelle discover the truth and stop the fall of endless night?

— As much as I loved Cruel Beauty, I was like ehhhh on this one. Which is part Little Red Riding Hood (although that seems like a stretch, honestly) and part The Girl With No Hands, which is a fairy tale I have literally never heard of before. Rachelle was just—sorta whiny? Which, y’know, she was cursed and had fucked up her entire life, so fair, but also...annoying. I kept reading mostly to try and understand what the FUCK was going on with the magic. I like to consider myself a relatively intelligent person who can understand most YA novels, but this one was tough to keep track of. Like, sure, the imagery of the Dark Forest was cool, but also what is a Gladspring? I’m still not sure I know. Also, this kind of dragged in some places. Lots of patrolling the palace (whining about life) and not enough magic-fighting or establishing any sort of relationship between Rachelle and Armand. Which just sort of happened? Amidst, approximately, twenty-four different twists that were admittedly cool, but also felt like they came out of nowhere. Everything that happened in Cruel Beauty made sense. Most of what happened here felt like it was shoehorned in for shock value.

YOU WANT MORAL AMBIGUITY? BOY HAVE I GOT MORAL AMBIGUITY FOR YOU. IN GODDAMN SPADES.

The Firebird Series by Claudia Gray Marguerite Caine's physicist parents are known for their groundbreaking achievements. Their most astonishing invention, called the Firebird, allows users to jump into multiple universes—and promises to revolutionize science forever. But then Marguerite's father is murdered, and the killer—her parent's handsome, enigmatic assistant Paul— escapes into another dimension before the law can touch him.Marguerite refuses to let the man who destroyed her family go free. So she races after Paul through different universes, always leaping into another version of herself. But she also meets alternate versions of the people she knows—including Paul, whose life entangles with hers in increasingly familiar ways. Before long she begins to question Paul's guilt—as well as her own heart. And soon she discovers the truth behind her father's death is far more sinister than she expected.

— Guys. GUYS. These books, oh my G O D. Little known fact about me, but I am trash for cross-dimensional soulmates. The concept of “we’ll find each other anywhere” is one of my favorites, so I was so psyched about these books. And for awhile that’s what I thought I was going to get out of them. But. BUT! What I actually got was something, not totally different, but not entirely great, either. The problem here was that when anyone used one of the Firebird devices to jump dimensions they TOOK OVER THE BODY THEY JUMPED INTO. So, like, that consciousness got shoved to the side while whatever prime!person just took over. Living that body’s life. In a different dimension. And that’s kinda fucked up, right??? Brings in all sorts of questions about consent and morality and let me tell you, guys, this YA series DID NOT ADDRESS A SINGLE ONE OF THEM. Which is also super fucked up!! So, like, Marguerite is just bouncing around dimensions taking over people’s bodies and lives and leaving this, frankly, trail of destruction in her wake. And as if that wasn’t enough!!! In the second book Paul’s soul gets, like, split and she’s got to round up the pieces through dimensions, meeting all sorts of Pauls who are occasionally kind of shit people and he eventually just, like, CANNOT COPE. Seriously, I could not stop reading these. Partially for the moral ambiguity. Partially because I could not figure out why Paul loved Marguerite. Also, capitalism was the ultimate villain. AS IT SHOULD BE, REALLY.

CREEPY FAE WERE KIND OF CREEPY AND THAT’S NOT BAD, BUT LIKE MAYBE THIS WASN’T A GOOD BOOK?

An Enchantment of Ravens by Margaret Rogerson Isobel is an artistic prodigy with a dangerous set of clients: the sinister fair folk, immortal creatures who cannot bake bread or put a pen to paper without crumbling to dust. They crave human Craft with a terrible thirst, and Isobel’s paintings are highly prized. But when she receives her first royal patron—Rook, the autumn prince—she makes a terrible mistake. She paints mortal sorrow in his eyes—a weakness that could cost him his life. Furious, Rook spirits her away to his kingdom to stand trial for her crime. But something is seriously wrong in his world, and they are attacked from every side. With Isobel and Rook depending on each other for survival, their alliance blossoms into trust, then love—and that love violates the fair folks’ ruthless laws. Now both of their lives are forfeit, unless Isobel can use her skill as an artist to fight the fairy courts. Because secretly, her Craft represents a threat the fair folk have never faced in all the millennia of their unchanging lives: for the first time, her portraits have the power to make them feel.

— I’ve seen this book mentioned a lot. As good. And it wasn’t not good, but Isobel was pretty goddamn annoying and kind of dumb and a little self-important and I was mostly here for the creepy fae. That was fun. More fae should have antlers and stuff. Everything in this story happened ridiculously fast. I couldn’t believe it was over when it was over.

THE PROSE WAS VERY PRETTY. I’M NOT SURE WHY THE DRAGON HAD TO BE SUCH A MONUMENTAL DICK.

Uprooted by Naomi Novik Agnieszka loves her valley home, her quiet village, the forests and the bright shining river. But the corrupted Wood stands on the border, full of malevolent power, and its shadow lies over her life. Her people rely on the cold, driven wizard known only as the Dragon to keep its powers at bay. But he demands a terrible price for his help: one young woman handed over to serve him for ten years, a fate almost as terrible as falling to the Wood. The next choosing is fast approaching, and Agnieszka is afraid. She knows—everyone knows—that the Dragon will take Kasia: beautiful, graceful, brave Kasia, all the things Agnieszka isn’t, and her dearest friend in the world. And there is no way to save her. But Agnieszka fears the wrong things. For when the Dragon comes, it is not Kasia he will choose.

— Let me just say first off, that this should have been two books. Everything happened so quickly, I swear I got whiplash. That being said, as a heroine, I liked Agnieszka a lot. She was understandably freaked by everything that happened, but once she kind of settled, she didn’t take The Dragon’s shit and that was good because The Dragon was kind of shitty. This is why it should have been two books. Because everything The Dragon did felt like it needed some kind of explanation. Or at least some sort of reasoning for why he was such a monumental bastard. Which is why I was a little confused that Agnieszka was in love with him? He was such a dick, honestly. The last third or so of this book was the best because Novik really does know how to write action and the magic itself was pretty fascinating. (I wish it went into more depth, but I think I’m spoiled by fic and that’s not actually how the publishing world works.) Kasia might have been the most interesting person in this story. Girl went through it and just became a total badass. I loved her.

MARAUDER FEELINGS! MARAUDER FEELINGS! SO! MANY! MARAUDER! FEELINGS!

The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater All her life, Blue has been warned that she will cause her true love's death. She doesn't believe in true love and never thought this would be a problem, but as her life becomes caught up in the strange and sinister world of the Raven Boys, she's not so sure anymore.

— RICHARD GANSEY, MY BELOVED. What a dweeb. A self-sacrificing, sorta sad dweeb. When he wrapped his jacket around Blue, my heart exploded. I think I spent the last fifteen or so chapters with disconcertingly wide eyes and possibly my hand over my mouth. Still not entirely sure why a Welsh king was in Virginia, but I loved it. Was real glad he was there. As promised by that one book rec list I read months ago, the Marauders vibes of these books were off the charts. It was a weird story with lots of weird things and I hope Mr. Grey gets to be happy one day and that Ronan and Adam make out some more eventually. I think they’ll both feel a lot better if they do. Like, about the world as a whole. Has anyone read the Ronan spinoff series? Should I read the Ronan spinoff series?

OK, THIS WASN’T THAT BAD, ACTUALLY

To Love Jason Thorn by Ella Maise Jason Thorn... My brother's childhood friend. Oh, how stupidly in love with that boy I was. He was the first boy that made me blush, my first official crush. Sounds beautiful so far, right? That excitement that bubbles up inside you, those famous butterflies you feel for the very first time--he was the reason for them all. But, you only get to live in that fairytale world until they crush your hopes and dreams and then stomp on your heart for good measure. And boy did he crush my little heart into pieces. After the stomping part he became the boy I did my best to stay away from--and let me tell you, it was pretty hard to do when he slept in the room right across from mine. When tragedy struck his family and they moved away, I was ready to forget he ever existed. Now he is a movie star, the one who makes women of all ages go into a screaming frenzy, the one who makes everyone swoon with that dimpled smile of his. Do you think that's dreamy? I certainly don't think so. How about me coming face to face with him? Nope still not dreamy. Not when I can't even manage to look him in the eye. Me? I'm Olive, a new writer. Actually, I'm THE writer of the book that inspired the movie he is about to star in on the big screen. As of late, I am also referred to as the oh-so-very-lucky girl who is about to become the wife of Jason Thorn. Maybe you're thinking yet again that this is all so dreamy? Nope, nothing dreamy going on here. Not even close.

— Ignoring the fact that this was almost blatant self-insert, this was a mostly good, occasionally trashy book with brother’s best friend and the one who got away tropes. Which, as we know, are my life’s blood. (Plus, surprise, fake marriage that isn’t really fake?!? Ok. OK!) My only eeek moment was when Olive got super drunk and wanted Jason to like—consummate the marriage and he was like, No Olive, you’re drunk. And then they ended up doing everything except having full-on sex, which felt a little creep and a lot sketch and then it was never mentioned again. Also, Olive needs to find some better friends, God.

EMERSON COD VOICE: HE’S STAAAAAALKING YOU

Marriage For One by Ella Maise Jack and I, we did everything backward. The day he lured me into his office-which was also the first day we met-he proposed. You'd think a guy who looked like him-a bit cold maybe, but still striking and very unattainable-would only ask the love of his life to marry him, right? You'd think he must be madly in love. Nope. It was me he asked. A complete stranger who had never even heard of him. A stranger who had been dumped by her fiancé only weeks before. You'd think I'd laugh in his face, call him insane-and a few other names-then walk away as quickly as possible. Well…I did all those things except the walking away part. It took him only minutes to talk me into a business deal…erm, I mean marriage, and only days for us to officially tie the knot. Happiest day of my life. Magical. Pop the champagne… Not. It was the worst day. Jack Hawthorne was nothing like what I'd imagined for myself. I blamed him for my lapse in judgment. I blamed his eyes, the ocean blue eyes that looked straight into mine unapologetically, and that frown on his face I had no idea I would become so fascinated with in time. It wasn't long after he said I was the biggest mistake of his life that things started to change. No, he still didn't talk much, but anyone can string a few words together. His actions spoke the loudest to me. And day after day my heart started to get a mind of its own.

— Ok, ok, ok, so I enjoyed the Jason Thorn book, right? Was, like, how bad could this other book be? And it wasn’t bad, but it was patently ridiculous. Let me explain what happened. Not entirely sorry for the spoilers. Jack the lawyer sees that Rose is only going to get the space for her coffee shop from her uncle’s will if she marries someone. She WAS engaged, but the guy split. For reasons no one can understand, especially Rose. She’s sad. She’s spent so much money on espresso machines! Enter Jack the lawyer who one random afternoon is like: HEY ROSE, YOU’RE MOSTLY A STRANGER, BUT I ALSO NEED TO GET MARRIED FOR REASONS I’LL ONLY SORTA EXPLAIN, LETS DO THAT. So they do???? And Jack the lawyer continues to be kinda weird and a little shady, but Rose has got the coffee shop and things are going well. Until! She’s got a leaky brain!!! That’s not a joke. Not a typo. Out of goddamn LEFT FIELD, Rose has got some horrible medical condition, so thank God she got married because Jack the lawyer’s got great health insurance. (this is ROMANTIC) and she’s got to have an operation and he stays with her and sleeps in the hospital chair and her coffee shop is somehow still going strong??? On Madison Avenue??? What sit-down coffee shop on Madison Avenue do you guys know that would succeed? None because it’s not downtown. I digress. Anyway, Rose makes a miraculous recovery, she and Jack the lawyer are now almost in love? At least having a shit ton of sex. They’re mostly happily married. Until, part two! The ex-fiance shows up and is like JACK THE LAWYER PAID ME TO BREAK UP WITH YOU. To which Rose is understandably flabbergasted. She confronts Jack the lawyer who fesses that he’s been seriously crushing on her since they met at her uncle’s Christmas party. She doesn’t remember this. He does. BECAUSE HE’S A STALKER. So, he knew about the will stipulation with marriage BACK THEN, which is why he used FIRM RESOURCES to investigate the ex-fiance and found out he was a con man, using Rose with plans to basically steal all her money. This infuriated Jack the lawyer because he thought Rose deserved better and then proceeded to basically con her himself, just in a different way. With marriage! He told her he needed to get married to show he was a family man to make partner. THAT WAS A LIE. He didn’t need it at all. He just—wanted to marry her??? To help her??? What a psycho. She leaves. He continues to lurk outside the coffee shop. They make up. No one mentions the stalking. The end.

I KEEP GIVING HELENA SECOND CHANCES AND SHE KEEPS...NOT DESERVING THEM

All In Series by Helena Hunting Sometimes I need an escape from the demands, the puck bunnies, and the notoriety that come with being an NHL team captain. I just want to be a normal guy for a few weeks. So when I leave Chicago for some peace and quiet, the last thing I expect is for a gorgeous woman to literally fall into my lap on a flight to Alaska. Even better, she has absolutely no idea who I am.Lainey is the perfect escape from my life. My plan for seclusion becomes a monthlong sex fest punctuated with domestic bliss. But it ends just as abruptly as it began. When I’m called away on a family emergency, I realize too late that I have no way to contact Lainey.A year later, a chance encounter throws Lainey and me together again. But I still have a lie hanging over my head, and Lainey’s keeping secrets of her own. With more than lust at stake, the truth may be our game changer.

— Last year I read a hockey romance by Helena Hunting that was very cute and traditionally published and she’s got a bunch more free Amazon books that, for some reason, I keep downloading and reading and they continue to be absolutely ridiculous. That first one was a not-so-secret accidental pregnancy (as previously discussed ONE TIME without a condom mention and bam pregnant) but the second one with Rook’s sister was actually pretty cute. I’m not sure why they all called him Rook. Almost all these series have at least one book with someone recovering from an injury and they inevitably fall in love with their physical therapist. So, that one was pretty ok. None of these, however, were quite as entertaining as (wait for it) QUEENIE AND KINGSTON. WHOSE FRIENDS AND TEAMMATES ALL CALL HIM KING. QUEENIE. AND. KING. Gag. I read it anyway. At least 99% of that decision was based solely on the fact that the story started just after King found out his sister was actually his mom. How am I supposed to stop reading THAT?!? I ask you. Highlights of Queenie and King’s romance included: him calling his mom/sister MOMSTER, Queenie being secretly married this whole time, WITHOUT KNOWING IT, his strawberry allergy that flared up because she’d had a strawberry milkshake and then GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB, her dad finding out they were dating because he was the GM of the team and saw that his starting goalie was having a MASSIVE allergic reaction, Queenie’s eventual ex-husband getting engaged to someone who previously tried to self-inseminate to trap Rook into a relationship (I am not making this up, I swear) and then when he found out that his fiancee’s kid wasn’t actually his, he got into a massive fight and earned a 20-game suspension. THAT’S A QUARTER OF AN NHL SEASON. Tom Wilson got fined five thousand dollars for practically killing Artemi Panarin on the ice! I did not read the last book in this series because it was MORE ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY and because it was Queenie’s dad and King’s mom and that meant they’d share a sibling. Which is where I draw the line, guys.

THERE WERE SEVEN BOOKS IN THIS SERIES! EVERY SINGLE ONE HAD TO HAVE A SCENE WHERE THE DUDE UNDERSTOOD THAT PERIODS WERE A THING???? LIKE THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE SOMEHOW?!?!

Hot Jocks Series by Kendall Ryan I've never been so stupid in my entire life. My teammate's incredibly sweet and gorgeous younger sister should have been off-limits, but my hockey stick didn't get that memo. After our team won the championship, and plenty of alcohol, our flirting turned physical and I took her to bed. Shame sent her running the next morning from our catastrophic mistake. She thinks I don't remember that night—but every detail is burned into my brain so deeply, I’ll never forget. The feel of her in my arms, the soft whimpers of pleasure I coaxed from her perfect lips…And now I’ve spent three months trying to get her out of my head. Which has been futile, because I’m starting to understand she’s the only girl I’ll ever want. I have one shot to show her I can be exactly what she needs, but Elise won’t be easily convinced. That’s okay, because I’m good under pressure, and this time, I’m playing for keeps.

—I read all of these. All. Of. Them. They were exceptionally quick reads. Every single one had a copious amount of sex in it and a very weird, apparently required scene, where the dude had to be like I’M NOT SQUICKED OUT BY PERIODS AM I NOT THE ULTIMATE EXAMPLE OF MASCULINITY?? My favorite one was Grant and Ana’s, though, because it was so goddamn absurd I cannot believe someone wrote it. Basic gist was that Ana was dating someone on Grant’s team (he’s the captain, natch) but the guy was a dick and abusive and so one night Ana decides to leave, but she needs someone to help her and WHO DOES SHE TURN TO??? That’s right, reclusive captain Grant. Who’s spent the last few years watching his teammates marry-up and start families and he’s so jealous, but he can’t say anything because he’s a stoic MAN™. So he takes Ana and her dog (of course she’s got a dog) back to his super swanky bachelor pad and she just sort of...stays there? Video of the boyfriend accosting her at her job gets leaked and the boyfriend gets sent to the AHL which is not really how it would work, but fine. Naturally, Grant and Ana hook up. It’s emotional. Vaguely romantic. There’s no GODDAMN CONDOM. So, she gets pregnant. But, of course. Except! She doesn’t know if it’s dick boyfriend’s or Grant’s. Because he’s the male lead in a free sports romance on Amazon, Grant is the MOST understanding. He wants to help Ana. He would like to continue having sex with Ana. This is ready-made happily ever after. Only Ana’s like...eh?? She doesn’t want it to look like she bounced from one hockey player to the next, but also she sorta did and she kept telling Grant she just wanted to be friends, only to have sex, like, three chapters later. Then she just moved out! Just moved out. Seven months pregnant. Moving out. With her dog. Of course, this is a free sports romance on Amazon, so eventually she moved back in with Grant. Once she realized independence wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. And because he left practice to be there when she had the baby. Oh! And she got a DNA test after. To see whose kid it was. Grant ripped that ‘ish up. Just ripped it up. Which is cool, I guess. But, like, you didn’t want to double check? What if that kid has to go to the hospital? Did she put Grant’s name on the birth certificate? What are his parental rights?? Anyway, they’re all set to live HEA when....THE DICK BOYFRIEND DIES. Straight up. No explanation. Nothing. Just Grant tells Ana he’s dead, she’s like, oh wow that’s sad, they send some flowers to the funeral and that’s THAT. I assume this was to close any potential plot holes on the father of this baby, but it was hysterical and I cannot stop thinking about it. Strangely enough, the one where the couple made a secret sex tape in college and then got back together because it got released may have been the healthiest relationship in this series.

#book recs #book rec #book reccs #laura reads books #welllp these are books #i will not apologize for that bingo board #i think this is a highlight of accomplishments #like for me personally

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thranduilsperkybutt · 4 years

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It feels like it has been so long since I’ve hosted a challenge, so I figured what better time than now? Commemorating all of you, and as a sort-of thank you for all the continuous support you have sent my way. Each message, each comment, each reblog or tag, they all mean the world to me. So, thank you, darlings, from the bottom of my heart.

For this challenge, I’ve decided to compile some of my favorite fic tropes and AU’s, for your writing pleasure. I hope you find something that strikes your fancy, because each one of these has a place dear in my heart. I’m such a huge fan of cliché, sappy (or smutty) fanfics, and I thoroughly believe that you can never have too much of each of these tropes!

Below the cut are the rules & prompts, and I hope you’ll think about joining! Thank you again, darling. I hope you continue enjoying my blog & writing. 😘

- Meg ₓₒₓₒ♡

Meg’s 11k Follower Challlenge

Rules

You aren’t required to be following me to join, but I’d love if you did!

Anything to your heart’s desire can be written~ Fluff, angst, smut, and everything in-between are welcome here!

Pick from one of the fandoms on my Fandoms List, and any character from that fandom.

You must write a reader-insert! No names, just the “reader” character (and whatever endearments or pronouns you so choose to include).

Pick your trope or AU! Yes, you can pick more than one, if you want! Feel free to mix & match!

If you want to join the challenge, shoot me a message through my ask box! Include the tropes or AU’s you would like, so I can organize you in a list to keep up with you for later, when I post the masterlist! You don’t have to tell me the characters or fandoms you want to write for, but I’d love to know, ‘cause I’m curious! Don’t forget to reblog this post!

When you share your amazing writing with the rest of the world, please include the fandom/character above your fic, as well as any associated warnings you think may apply. If it’s over 500 words, please include a keep reading cut!

Make sure to tag me in it (@thranduilsperkybutt), mention your chosen trope/AU, and that it’s for this challenge!

Tag your fic with #thranduilsperkybutt and #megs11kchallenge

If you don’t see a ❤︎like❤︎ from my main (megmeg-chan) within 24 hours of you posting the fic, shoot me a link! I may have missed it, despite trying not to! I want to read each and every one of these fics, and share them here, as well as on my main! I’ll be making a masterlist of all the fics at the end of the challenge, to further promote your wonderful writing!

The deadline for the challenge is the first of August (this year of 2020, obviously), but if you wind up needing longer than those three months, please don’t hesitate to let me know! I’m totally lenient (a pushover, really) and I just want us all to have fun with it!

Tropes

The Oh my god, they were roommates! trope

The And there was only one bed! trope

The arranged marriage trope

The pretend couple, fake dating trope

The friends with benefits trope

The sex pollen, sex magic, fuck or die trope

The bet trope

The found family trope

The we have to kiss right now or they’ll notice we’re not supposed to be here trope

The secret relationship trope

The I saw this in a book/magazine and want to try it trope

The overprotective trope

The accidental love confession trope

The mutual pining trope

The off-limits love trope

The love triangle trope (or, multiple love interests)

The post-fight, nursing back to health trope

The matchmaking friends trope

The truth serum, truth potion trope

And finally, a topical trope: The quarantine trope

Alternate Universes

College AU // Professor AU

Mermaid AU

Ballerina AU

Coffee Shop/Bookstore/Bakery/Florist AU

Boxing AU

BDSM AU

Vampire AU

Alpha/Beta/Omegaverse AU

Historical AU

Noir Detective AU

Soulmates AU

Dark!character AU

Sex worker AU

Fairytale AU

Mob AU // Mafia AU

Cops & Robbers AU

Sugar daddy AU

Cowboy AU

Virgin AU

Pirate AU

#writing challenge #challenge #Followers appreciation #11000 follower mark #posts by me #megs11kchallenge

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sad-af1121 · 5 years

Text

A Nuisance (One-shot)

Summary: Everyone has their bad days and unfortunately yours was a mixture of exhaustion and being sick. Steve and Bucky made it their goal to make your day a little better by spoiling you the best they can but how could they help when every ounce of physical love annoyed you? | Marvel AU | Pairings: Stucky x Reader Word Count: 2.4k Warnings: language, some angst? (idk if you count a pouty steve as angst but sure) fluff, comedy and cute-ness overload

A/N: i’m sorry in advance if it seems rushed but i really did try to make it comedic and cute. It’s been a rough two weeks and i really wanted to get this done before the deadline for @babylevines writing challenge! Congrats on the 4k follower's babe! I hope you enjoy :3 Prompt: “Touch me with your cold feet one more time and see what happens.” | Thanking @isaxhorror for giving this a look through! Feedback is welcomed 💜

“They didn’t have any fresh lemons at the store so I got generic lemon juice,” Bucky informed Steve, shutting the front door of their shared apartment. He set the grocery bags on the kitchen island before pulling the contents out from the bags.

Steve turned away from the stove, his eyes scanning the counter. “Buck, why are there so many ice cream flavors? I asked you to get what Y/N likes.”

Bucky sighed, “I didn’t get one flavor of ice cream because I figured if I got the ones she likes, she can pick based off her mood when she gets back home.” He shrugged and walked to the fridge. Steve hummed to Bucky’s remark since he did have a point.

You were called in to work in the early hours of the day, the sun wasn’t even shining through the dull grey-blue skies yet and on top of that, you were fighting a small cold. If it wasn’t for your stubbornness and your passion to work, Steve and Bucky wouldn’t have let you leave, let alone leave the bed. They constantly checked on you, knowing you were going to end up very cranky and exhausted for the rest of the day. After they both came back home from work, they decided to pamper you for the night.

The house chores and dinner would be done by the time you got home. All you would have to do was rest and enjoy the evening and the following weekend with your boys. However, they were hoping that their plan would work and brighten up your mood, but that would be something they’d have to wait and see.

“Buck-”

“She’s parking the car,” Bucky smirked, looking up from his phone screen. “I’ve been texting Babygirl all day. Chill dude, worst-case scenario, she throws a pillow at you for treating her like some fragile pup.”

“Ha, ha. Shut up,” Steve swallowed, throwing a kitchen towel over his shoulder. He was only this way when you weren’t feeling your best. If the world came crumbling down, Steve would make sure to be your shield, protecting you from any harm because you meant everything to him. Both you and Bucky kept the flame of life burning in his chest.

The sound of keys jingling and the doorknob turning caught both of Bucky and Steve’s attention as they prepared themselves for you. Door swinging open, you trudged into your apartment, shutting the door behind you before slumping against the hard flat surface.

Nose slightly discolored with droopy eyelids, you sniffled, sighing in what sounded like a tinge of satisfaction, “I’m hoooome!” You strained, voice raspy and heavy due to your sinus acting up again. Steve involuntarily pouted, his heart aching to see the sight of you so sick and tired. Bucky clenched his jaw and took a deep breath, steadying himself from the anger that was bubbling from within. He craved nothing more than to call your bosses and tell them a thing or two about a proper workplace and how to respectfully treat employees who were under the weather.

Who else calls someone in to work and put others in jeopardy for getting them sick? It’s diabolical.

Giggling at yourself, you move away from the door and set your things to the side, stepping into the kitchen, “What’s all this?” Eyes roaming across the stove then to the dining table, you saw dinner had been made and set for you. The corners of your lips twitched into a lopsided smirk as you looked up at Steve.

“You didn’t have to do all this, baby. We could have ordered take out. I know how hard work can be on you two,” you turned and looked at Bucky who was already standing behind you with a smirk to mirror yours.

“We wanted to do this for you, doll. You work so hard too, ‘n hell, if we want to spoil you, we will. Periodt.”

You squeezed your eyes shut, cringing. “I get your trying to stay hip and modern but PLEASE don’t say that word around me again,” you chuckled as did the boys.

Both Bucky and Steve began to walk toward you and your gut knew they wanted a kiss, but you stopped them the minute they got close, placing a hand on their chests. “I’m sick remember? I don’t think you guys want to get close to me.”

“We’ll be fine. We’re super-”

“Yeah, yeah, super soldiers but I’m not risking it, Steve. Once I’m feeling better, I’ll repay you guys in so many kisses that you’ll be sick of me. But as of right now, I don’t want to be touched,” you sighed, looking between Bucky and Steve.

Bucky nodded and looked at Steve who seemed to be having a hard time dealing with your mood. You saw how his jaw clenched, his heart feeling the slight sting from how forward you were with your emotions and it wasn’t like Steve was against it. He needed to adjust. There was no doubt that Steve didn’t respect your wishes and so he stepped away, clearing his throat before busying himself in washing the dishes from cooking. You swallowed thickly, a small pout forming along your lips.

“Hey, America’s ass.”

Steve turned and you blew him a kiss, hoping it would warm his heart and silently tell him you loved him. When he smiled back, a twinkle forming in his eyes, you knew he was okay. The feelings of content and relief washing over you. It was Bucky’s turn now and you did the same, blowing a kiss, then giggling right after.

His lips bloomed into a toothy grin, his eyes sparkling with admiration and bashfulness. You found this incredibly adorable and you couldn’t help but ruffle his hair. After that, you headed to the bedroom to change into your pj’s.

Once you disappeared into your room, Steve stepped away from the kitchen and joined Bucky on the couch who was playing a game on his phone.

“Don’t mess with Y/N, okay? I think she’d find your annoyance anything but cute today. You saw how she’s acting. Wouldn’t want to ruin her night if you two end up arguing,” Steve warned with a sigh, reminding his lover. On your usual days, you’d find Bucky’s teasing hilarious and downright appealing. However, when you suffered through a rough day like today, for example, you and Bucky would get into a banter that neither parties like to endure. It wasn’t severely serious or anything of that sort and always ended up in kisses and hugs but Steve wanted to avoid that at all costs.

Maybe he was treating you like a small puppy dog after all.

***

“Ugh, baby. You’re the fucking beeeest,” you groaned into your food, your eyes practically rolling inside your head. Your taste buds pranced with happiness, the flavors bringing waves of satisfaction and desire for more. The heat from your supper opened your pores and sinus which allowed some of your tasting senses to come alive.

Steve grinned brightly, looking over at Bucky who chuckled at the blonde for his victory smile. “Had to make my girl happy.”

“You mean our girl, jerk,” Bucky corrected, playfully glaring into Steve’s eyes whilst ripping a piece of baguette with his teeth, chomping on the bread. Steve’s face twisted with disgust and you barked out a laugh, your cheeks warming to how possessive they were getting over you.

“Okay, okay, chillax dudes. I don’t want any bloodshed over dinner. Y’all can wait till after I’m done,” you snorted as Bucky threw a piece of bread at you. You threw one in return which started a mini food war.

“No. Nooope,” Steve got up from the table and opted to eat on the kitchen island. “Totally unnecessary,” he whispered under his breath and it became unfortunate for him because you and Bucky ended up throwing food at him instead.

After dinner, the three of you decided to watch a movie since it was a Friday and none of you had to wake up early the next day. Bucky was picking out a movie, trying to connect his phone to the TV since he found a site that posted movies online without having to leave the comfort of your home and going to the movie theatre.

You quietly sat on the couch with a blanket wrapped around your body, waiting for Bucky. Technology wasn’t his thing but you gave him some room to try before you helped. It was the only way he was going to learn and you loved when he figured it out himself, his charming yet victorious smile blossoming across his face when he succeeded.

Steve had filled three bowls of popcorn since everyone ate theirs differently. Bucky didn’t like too much butter but you did and Steve was just in the middle with added caramel popcorn in the mix so it wasn’t unusual when you guys had your own popcorn rather than share it. He strolled into the living room, setting the bowls on the coffee table before deciding to take a seat next to you.

In Steve’s mind, he thought since dinner was successful and you seemed to be in a better mood, you wouldn't mind if he cuddled, missing the warmth of your body and the touch he just craved so often. It relaxed his every sense, any contact sending an electrifying current throughout his body and sparking something in his heart. You felt like home and being touch-starved by you today wasn’t sitting so nicely with Steve.

Throwing his arm over your shoulder, Steve adjusted himself on the couch before feeling his arm being lifted off your shoulders and into his lap.

“Steve, c’ mon babe. I’m really not in the mood. I’m sorry,” you huffed, a tinge of annoyance lacing your words. “I warned you earlier about getting yourself sick.” You scooted away from him, hoping your soft eyes would make up for it but Steve just growled, getting up and fetching his sketchbook from the shelf by the television.

Not only did he sit away from you but he ignored your attention, frustration weighing on his shoulders. He flipped through the pages of his book in search for a clean page to draw his emotions on and you mentally kicked yourself in the ass because you pushed Steve’s limit.

Huffing in remorse, you snuggled against your blanket, cozying up with the soft material that smelled of lavender. Bucky had finally gotten the movie to play, rushed to the couch and decided to sit with you since Steve was sulking on the other couch.

About 45 minutes into the movie, Bucky had his legs spread out, his head resting on the armrest while his body laid straight, his feet almost touching you. Lost in the plot of the film, you hadn’t noticed he pushed his sockless, icy cold feet under your blanket, the warmth wrapping itself around them. It brought a sort of relief that he wanted more warmth. More from you.

So that was when he touched his feet against your heated thighs, his toes digging in and out of your skin as if he was trying to massage you like a cat would knead a pillow. Instantly, you withdrew a breath, your senses coming into reality. The cold shook you like a bolt of lightning, your nerves screaming for an escape. You allow a few minutes to go by, assuming he’d halt his actions. But the longer you waited, the more he thought it was an invitation to continue.

The only solution you knew at the time was to take deep steady breaths, ignoring the fact that his freezing cold feet were touching your hot skin which brought a shiver throughout your body. You already had the chills due to your sickness and Bucky wasn’t making things any better for you now. What was up with your boyfriends today?

“Holy shit,” Bucky laughed at the television, pulling his legs back. You nipped your lips in happiness, doing a small victory dance in your head. Just as you’re getting comfortable again, Bucky placed his feet back in its previous position, causing you to huff out loud.

“Touch me with your cold feet one more time, and see what happens.”

Both Bucky and Steve whipped their heads towards you, their brows knitting together in confusion. You stare back at them, widening your eyes then signaling down with your eyes to show them the issue.

Inhaling deeply, Bucky paused the movie, “Jesus, really? You could’ve just asked me baby before threatening me.”

Those words alone brought a lump of guilt in your throat. You were very snappy today and it wasn’t like you to get this annoyed.

“Fuck, sorry,” you pouted. “I think I should just get to bed and leave you guys alone. I promise to be better tomorrow,” you whined quietly, your eyes darting between the two.

Bucky silently gnawed on his lower lip before turning his attention to Steve and winking at the old soul. Steve himself was utterly confused but he knew that mischievous smirk in Bucky’s eyes which gave him everything he needed to know.

As you were ready to leave the couch, Bucky leaped towards you, trapping your body underneath his as he playfully growled against your neck and jaw. You had no time to react differently, only the sounds of laughter breaking past your lips. Then came his fingers digging in your sides, the familiar zaps of delight coursing through your nerves. Tickling made your body turn into putty because once someone started, it was harder for you to escape their hold than it was to take it all in and not laugh.

Steve took this time to record a video of the events unfolding in front of his eyes, using a filter that made voices very high pitched. It was one of his favorites when he made videos and he couldn’t get over the fact it made people sound like they were on helium.

“Steve! St-stop recording and save m-meee!” you exclaimed, trying to catch your breath.

Your shrieks of bliss and neediness were enough for Steve to toss his book to the side and pull Bucky off your body, throwing the brunette to the ground with a loud thud.

“What the fuck, Steve!”

“Save it punk. Meet us in the room,” he breathed out a chuckle, sweeping you off the couch and carrying you to your bedroom. You buried your face into his chest in attempts to hide the growing smile that ached your cheeks even more. But you knew he already saw it and now he was going to make sure he gets all the kisses and cuddles he wants.

Even if that meant getting sick because Steve and Bucky would risk everything for you.

__________

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queerbutstillhere · 4 years

Text

12. We dated back in highschool then you moved away but now you're back in town.

(for @legitpumpkin an AU in which the Kent's and Wayne's live in the same neighborhood of whatever town you'd like to pick.)

"Hey, did you hear the news?"

Jon looked up, eyebrows knitted together, his tongue was poking out of his mouth from his hyper concentration.

"What?" He asked absently, looking away from his brother back to his laptop, returning to reading his article.

Kon said something about Tim and someone coming back.

"Cool," Jon responded in that same absent tone.

"Jon, you literally did not hear a word I just said did you?"

Jon just shook his head, quickly deleting and rewriting a section.

"Leave him alone, Kon, he has deadlines to meet," Chris inputted from where he was laying on the sofa beside Jon, at an awkward angle so his feet weren't on the younger man.

"Fine. Pardon me for trying to tell him that his former lover is back in town."

"What?" Jon asked, interest mildly peaked now.

"Damian's back home for the summer."

The rapid click-clacking of Jon's keys completely stopped, and he blinked at Kon.

"And Tim says he's thinking about moving back to the States completely."

"Oh-" Jon breathed out.

"You should go talk to him," Chris suggested, pushing at his knee.

"Yeah.... God it's been what, five, six years?"

"Six. Five, since you guys broke up."

Jon hummed, returning to clicking away at his computer.

"Are you still in love with him?" Chris asked, looking at his phone.

"I don't know? It's been five years, Chris, I haven't seen him except maybe in passing once or twice. We don't really talk except occasionally commenting on each other's social media posts."

"Who?"

They all looked up when Lois walked in.

"Damian. He's back home," Kon supplied.

"Oh! Yes. Bruce just invited us over for dinner, actually."

"He what?" All three boys exclaimed at once.

"Yup! At six, which means you three need to be showered and wearing nice clothes!"

"Oh yes, how dare we show up to our childhood best friends house in our jorts and tanktops."

"Kon, we all know Dick would absolutely destroy you for wearing jorts," Chris said with a snort. "I'll go take first shower since busy body over here is still working."

"Look! Once I get this article turned in, I'm officially on break, but this is a pretty big story so I need to make sure it's perfect before I send it to the editors," Jon defended himself to empty air, as Kon and Chris had both already left.

He sighed and returned to typing.

An hour later, everyone was clean and dressed and they all took the short walk down the block to the Wayne's house together. The Wayne residence was the largest, and loudest building in the neighborhood. There were always people coming and going, and always children around, despite the fact that none of Bruce's kids had their own families yet. They could hear yelling inside before they even got to the front door, and Jon smiled at the fond memories that hit him. Clark stepped up and knocked on the door, and within a minute, the door was yanked open by Dick Grayson.

"Hey guys!" He exclaimed with a bright grin, immediately hugging Clark, and then Lois, and then all three of the boys.

"Hello, Dick."

"Come on in! Dad and Alfie are just finishing dinner, I think the others got kicked into the living room at some point, they were being too noisy."

"Aren't they always?" Jon asked with a smile, his writers mind already crafting out how he would report on this evening.

"Hey, now, Jonno," Dick said with a laugh, having to reach up to ruffle Jon's hair. "Man I miss when you were only this tall."

He held a hand down by his waist, shaking his head at the 6"2" man and tsking.

"Anyway! Come on!"

"I'm gonna pop into the kitchen," Lois said, and disappeared. Clark hesitated before following.

The boys just followed Dick deeper into the house where yelling and barking was coming from the family room. They entered and discovered Cassandra and Jason wrestling on the floor. Tim and Damian sat on the furniture, and Ace running around barking in dismay.

"Guys!" Dick protested, crossing his arms.

Cass let go of Jason, who rolled to his feet, sticking his tongue out at her. She immediately blew a raspberry before flipping up.

"Kon!" Tim exclaimed, jumping out of his seat and running to hug his friend.

Jon however, had made eye contact with Damian. And hot. Damn. Jon met Damian when he was 10. He had seen Damian grow up, had personally witnessed the awkward teen years where Damian had been growing into his own body and face. Hell he had dated Damian through the tail end of it. He knew Damian was an attractive person - look at his parents, it was the only logical thing to happen - but he had some how gotten hotter???

Damian would be around twenty-six by now, he was tall, maybe not as tall as Jon, but he couldn't quite be certain from this distance. His face was angular and defined, not quite the sharp features of his father, but more delicate and feminine like Talia. Everything about him screamed neatness, from his trimmed eyebrows, and clean shaven face, to his carefully styled hair and clothing. His hair was a different style the Jon last remembered seeing, shaved short on the sides and longer in the back, styled in a quiff. He was wearing black jeans and a button down, and Jon could see a gold necklace hanging around his throat. His beautiful, full lips curled into a soft smile as he scanned over Jon, before lazily pushing up to his feet. Oh yeah, Jon was definitely still taller.

"Hello, Jonathan," he said with a sweet smile, walking over.

His legs were still long and lanky, and he still walked with an insane amount of grace, a habit he had picked up from when he used to do ballet.

"Hi," Jon breathed out, finding himself completely awestruck.

Damian walked right up to him, hugging him gently. Jon immediately hugged him back, noting that he smelled like vanilla and citrus, but not in a bad way.

"It's good to see you," Damian said softly. His accent had thickened significantly in the past few years, and damn that was hot too.

"Yeah, oh my God, it's been forever." Jon pulled back to look at Damian again, his hand lingering on his arm.

Damian smiled up at him, his green eyes flicking over Jon's face. "Five years, really. Not forever."

"Okay, no, but it is a long time. Where all have you been at?" Jon asked, letting Damian push him out of the room where their siblings were talking loudly.

"I've been all over. Finished my schooling in Switzerland, and then spent sometime traveling around Europe. Then I've been in the Middle East with mother for the past few years. I enjoyed the traveling, but I think I'm ready to be back home."

"Wow. You'll have to tell me all about it!" Jon said, eyes wide with amazement.

Damian chuckled, nodding. "I'm sure we'll have time. You're a journalist now, no?"

"Yeah! Just hit my one year mark with the company I work for right now," Jon said with a proud grin.

"That's good, do you enjoy it?"

"Oh yeah, it always keeps me on my toes. I very rarely get bored with it."

"Okay! Dinner is ready!"

Jon jolted with the suddenness of Bruce's yell. Damian chuckled, looking past Jon at Bruce who was waving them over.

Dinner was nice and loud and noisy and Jon was hit with this painful realization of "Holy Shit Maybe I Am Still In Love With Damian" and he desperately needed to tell his brothers this development, but he didn't know how to do it slyly. So he just sat there in gay turmoil for a whole hour of a dinner. Then, while the others were heading to the living room, Damian snagged his hand and pulled him to the front door, clipping a leash on Ace and then walking outside. Jon followed silently, curious what was going on.

"Do you remember when we used to just go on walks around the neighborhood?"

"I remember sneaking over to your house a couple times in the middle of the night just to go on those walks," Jon answered, watching Ace sniff a bush. "And I remember getting my ass whooped the week my mom found out."

"And yet you kept doing it all through highschool," Damian said with an amused glance towards him.

"What do you expect. I was young, dumb and in love."

Damian chuckled, glancing down the road before crossing it.

"So, fill me in on what you've been up too since I left for Switzerland."

"Oh. Nothing wild, finished college, got my major in journalism, and minor in psychology. Got my job the same month as graduation, moved out in August, and I've just kinda been focusing on work since."

Damian hummed. "You always have been a bit of a busybody."

"Hey!"

Damian just grinned and gently nudged Jon.

"So, shall I just ask the awkward question?"

"What awkward question."

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"Oh!" Jon felt his cheeks heat up and then he shrugged. "No, not right now. I dated a few guys in college, but not anyone for a while."

Damian hummed and nodded.

"Uh. What about you?"

"No. With all the traveling, and living in the Middle East..."

Jon nodded in understanding, pausing as Ace darted in front of him. Without thinking he took the leash from Damian and let Ace smell the along the other side of the sidewalk.

"So what are you going to be doing, now that you're back? Working for your dad?"

"No, probably not. I'm going to resume my modeling career, and I'll be working as a environmental ambassador, just little things like that."

"Oh, cool."

Damian hummed, putting his hands in his pockets. They crossed the street and started to head back home.

"So we're totally gonna start hanging out then, right?"

"Well of course, you're one of my best friends," Damian said with a smile.

"Even though I'm your ex?"

"Jon, dating you was some of the best years of my life."

"Oh," Jon said softly, feeling his face heat up.

Damian chuckled and shook his head, smiling at Jon fondly.

Oh yeah, Jon still had feelings for Damian.

Send me a prompt!

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myhockeyworld87 · 4 years

Text

Nervous Regrets - Tyler Seguin - Part 20

Word Count: 3714

POV: Reader

Warnings: Maybe language, not entirely sure, and smut

Notes: Sorry these updates are taking me longer than normal. It’s been a crazy schedule the last few months. I hope to be more consistent after the holidays. I’m working on the proposal chapter now. Can’t wait to share it with you all. Peace, Love and Hugs!

The week that Tyler was gone, could only be described as a week from hell. If you weren’t working late, you were rushing out of work to let the dogs out before heading over to one of the other wives and girlfriends house to watch the game. The only way you made it through the week, was telling yourself you would spend the weekend on the couch, just you and the pups. That was until Friday afternoon and the Stars Foundation called asking for your help with a children’s hospital fundraiser. There was no way you could say no; nor did you want to, but there went your relaxing weekend with the dogs. Then to top that off, your boss stuck you with an unrealistic deadline of Monday, for a project that would normally take at least a week.

By the time Sunday night rolled around, you were exhausted. So much so, that when Tyler finally facetimed you; you barely had the energy to answer. You were drowning in a mountain of papers when you answered. “Hey babe. How are things in Boston?”

“Much better than they are in Dallas. Baby, I love you; but you look worn-out. Are you feeling ok?”

“I’m just tired that’s all. It’s been a really long week between work and Stars stuff.” You shifted some papers around looking for the one you needed. “And I’ll be up half the night trying to finish this project for work.”

“Have you eaten today?”

“Ummm yeah, I grabbed a sandwich a while ago.” He didn’t need to know that, that was around one in the afternoon and it was now ten at night. You hated to admit it, but you were in over your head at the moment, and all you wanted was to curl up to the guy that was on the other end of the phone. “I miss you.”

“I miss you too (Y/N), but I really feel like you’re not taking care of yourself at the moment. Why don’t you set that project aside and get some sleep.” It was a statement more than a question and he was right. Over the last several days you’d totally neglected yourself and the baby over work and other commitments. If you didn’t start putting yourself first, the baby could suffer and you would never forgive yourself.

“You’re right.” You picked up the phone, walked out of the office and into the kitchen. “I am going to bed, as soon as I eat something and talk to you for a bit.” You rummaged through the fridge and found a half-eaten salad from Saturday, and pulled it out. “I’m actually surprised you’re not out with some of your old friends tonight.”

“Nah, I’d rather spend time with you. Which seems to be the smart choice since someone is not taking care of herself while I’m gone.”

You took a bite before answering. “I guess I thought I could handle the whole back to work, wags and being pregnant thing; but I think I’m failing. I really have to give so much credit to all those working mom’s out there. I don’t know how they do it.” You grabbed another forkful.

“Yeah, it’s a tough job, but you know you have options right babe?”

“I know and trust me; I’ve been considering it a lot this week.” It had been in the back of your mind all week, and you were going to talk to Tyler when he came home. But seeing as how he brought it up there was no time like the present. “I have made one decision about that; and I’m definitely not going back to work after the baby is born.”

“Really babe?” The smile on his face told you exactly how he felt.

“Yes, really. I knew you’d approve of that decision but I didn’t think you’d be this happy over it.”

He tried to drop his level excitement, but it couldn’t be contained. He was literally beaming at you. “I can’t lie hun; I like having you home with me and knowing that, that’s going to happen has literally made my night. So how do I convince you to just quit now?”

You shook your head at him. “After this week it wouldn’t take much.” You were half teasing, but there was a part of you that just wanted to give all your attention to the family that you were building; and you were having trouble concentrating on that with work at the moment.

“Well I did think about that.” You raised a questioning eyebrow at him. “Hear me out before you say anything.” He had piqued your curiosity, so of course you gave him your full attention. “So you know I have Seguin’s Stars with the suite at home games and everything?” You nodded yes. “Well I’ve been approached about doing some more charity work, but I need someone to coordinate it all. Who better to do this than you? I mean you could weed through the ones you think I wouldn’t like or would; then do all the preliminary work to help get it up and running. Of course, I’d pay you, so you’d still have your own money. What do you think?”

“Umm…I kind of don’t know what to say. You’ve obviously thought a bit about this.” And here you thought you were ahead of the game knowing you wanted to stay home after the baby was born.

“Yeah babe, I kind of did. It’s not a secret that I want you to stay home with me. I’ve always wanted that, even before you were pregnant. But I knew how important your job was to you, so I never said anything.” He shrugged his shoulders at you through the phone. “Right now, though you don’t seem happy with it, so why not be home with me every day.”

“Can I think about it?” It was the easiest answer to give; for what Tyler had just offered was something you really needed to consider.

“Of course babe.” You finished up the salad, then threw the dishes in the dishwasher. “So, how are the dogs?”

Turning the camera, you showed all three surrounding you waiting for a treat. “They’re great, though they miss you too.” You reached in the treat jar, while the camera was on them and grabbed them each one; then turned the camera back on yourself so Tyler didn’t see you giving them a snack. “Come on boys, let’s go outside one more time for the night.” You walked them over to the door and let them out. “They’re still adjusting to the house a bit.”

“Oh no, what did Gerry do?”

“Why do you assume it was Gerry?”

“Because it’s always Gerry.”

You laughed. “You’re right it always is him; and it was again. He shit on the kitchen floor the other day.”

“He what?”

“It wasn’t that bad. I know it sounds bad. I really just think he was marking his territory or something like that. It was a couple days ago and he hasn’t done it since.” You’d cleaned the mess up and hollered at him, but only a little. He looked so sad you couldn’t really be too harsh on him.

“He hasn’t had an accident in the house, since he was a puppy.”

“Well, there’s a lot going on right now. It’s a new house. I’m gone most of the day. You’re off on a road trip. I just think he needed some attention. And don’t yell at him, I already did. He’s been fine since.” Tyler was frowning at you, which was totally unnecessary; considering you’d handled the situation.

“I guess it could be worse, he could’ve tore up the whole backyard again.”

“See there’s always a bright side to everything.” You chuckled softly at Tyler, then let the dogs in and turned on the alarm. “Come on guys, bedtime.”

“Mmmm I like bedtime.” He wiggled his eyebrows at you. “Can I join?”

“Of course, though I wish you were really here.” You missed his arms around you, cuddling you all night. The way he smelled, as you lay next to him. There were so many things, and though falling asleep with him on the phone was nice; it wasn’t the same as having him in bed with you.

“Me too baby.” He yawned. The time was an hour ahead of you; so it was well past midnight in Boston. He pulled off his shirt revealing his tattoos, and you longed to run your fingers over them. Tyler laid down on the pillow in the hotel, then covered up with the duvet. You did the same, only you were surrounded by dogs and about fifteen hundred miles away from him. “I love you (Y/N).”

“I love you too Ty.” For some reason you weren’t ready to sleep, even though your body was telling you differently. Though when Tyler shut his eyes you did the same. It couldn’t have been ten minutes later and you heard him softly snoring through the phone. Part of you wanted to hang up, but then there was the part that thought maybe his gentle breaths would lull you to sleep. Your mind started to wander, thinking of the proposal Tyler had talked about earlier. Over the last couple of weeks you’d been home with Tyler and it had really helped forge the bond that was broken between the two of you. All the small things started to add up, how he took care of you during the accident, how he always made sure you ate something, the way he would talk to the baby all the time. Since the two of you had gotten back together, there was really only that short time in the beginning that you’d been working. It had been fine then, but now; you just liked being with him all the time, taking care of him as much as he took care of you. Would it really make that much of a difference if you decided to quit your job a couple months earlier than you anticipated?

Mentally, you started making a pro and con list; and threw all the above mentioned into that pro part. What you didn’t like about it, was that you’d be basically living off of Tyler, but then weren’t you going to do that once the baby was born? So was that technically a con? Missing all the people at work was definitely a drawback, but then you could always visit them. Again, you weren’t sure what side that went on. The only real downfall, was that you’d worked so hard within the company for the position you had now, and you’d be giving all that up. Opening your eyes, you saw Tyler on the phone, still sleeping; seemingly unaffected by your internal dilemma. He looked so peaceful, and there was a small smile on his lips. If he was here you’d have no choice but to kiss him. Just staring at him, you knew your decision. He, the baby and the dogs were your future. You would find more fulfillment with them, then you ever would in some job. It was crystal clear in that moment, that you’d be writing your resignation at some point tomorrow, more than likely after you finished your project. You couldn’t leave without completing the work you’d already started.

Now that your mind was made up, it was as if exhaustion took over and sleep was calling your name. You glanced one more time at Tyler’s sleeping form, then shut the phone off; noticing that if you fell asleep immediately you’d get a good solid six hours sleep before your alarm went off. Once you closed your eyes you fell fast asleep, dreaming of your family with Tyler. It felt like you only slept a few minutes before the alarm was going off at six in the morning. You got up, finished up the project you were working on and headed off to one of your final days of work.

Walking through your office door, you past your assistant who was on the phone already. It wouldn’t be the same not seeing her every day, but you were sure that your friendship would remain intact. It wasn’t long before you were presenting your project to your boss. Everything was done perfectly down to the last detail and he was extremely happy with your work. You asked if the two of you could talk before the end of the day; it would give you time to draft up a quick resignation letter.

It was around four in the afternoon when he finally had a spare moment for you. The conversation wasn’t exactly as you pictured. He threw in your face that you were giving up your career for a man; which in your eyes wasn’t the case. So the accusation fell flat with you. What didn’t set well, was when he mentioned how much time the company invested in you. You knew this wouldn’t be easy, but hadn’t anticipated him making you feel this guilty. In the end, he asked you to pack your things up; even though you offered to give two weeks’ notice. Making your way back to your office, you grabbed your personal items and threw them in your work bag. It was hard saying goodbye to Andrea, your assistant; and you both shed a few tears, telling each other that you’d get together soon. With one last look at the place and people that you at times called family; you walked out the door to concentrate on your new life with Tyler and the baby.

In your two phone calls with Tyler, both before and after the game; you never mentioned that you quit your job. You thought you’d surprise him tomorrow when he came home. It would’ve been easy to just stay in bed the next morning, but you wanted to keep up a routine somewhat. So you got out of bed early in order to get in a quick yoga session. Then to be completely counterproductive, you found yourself in the kitchen whipping up a batch of cookies. The baby was craving them, or so you told yourself; but you knew that Tyler would eat half of the batch, so you didn’t feel that bad. You were just finishing wiping up the counter, when you heard the garage door open.

It didn’t take long before you heard him with the pups. “Hi boys!” Down went the bag. You could announce that you were home, but why ruin the surprise. “I missed you guys too. Did mom bake last night? It smells so good in here.” It was hard to hold back the bubble of laughter that was bursting to get out. “Alright, alright, settle down. You guys want a treat.” Oh and he made it seem like you were the soft one all the time sneaking them a snack. “Come on, let’s go.” His footsteps sound on the hardwood as he made his way down the hall towards the kitchen. He rounded the corner, not paying attention at all until the last minute. “Jesus!” He shrieked like a little girl and you laughed hysterically. “You scared the fucking shit out of me.”

Once you got your laughter under control, you said. “Yeah, I noticed. Do you scream like that on the ice? Cause hun, you sound like a teenage girl.”

He grabbed you around the waist, and it was your turn to screech. “Ha ha. Who’s yelling now?” He brought his lips to yours, in a kiss that wasn’t the least bit funny. You melted into him, savoring the taste of his lips. All too soon, he pulled away though, and you could almost feel the pout forming on your face. “Not that I’m complaining, but what are you doing home right now?”

“Oh well, that’s an interesting story.” Slipping out of his arms, you grabbed the plate of cookies you left out for him.

“Are these chocolate with peanut butter chips?”

“Yes…umm the baby wanted them.” He cocked his head to the side, and looked at you questioningly. “Fine, I wanted them.” Turning quickly, you walked away with the plate before he could snatch one. “And with your attitude, you’re not getting any.”

He snuck up behind you, and wrapped his arms around your waist. He was so hard to resist when he was like this; and to top it off he was wearing one of your favorite suits. “Aww, come on, babe. You know they’re one of my favorites.” His right hand, let go of you and tried to pluck a cookie from the plate; but you skillfully kept them out of reach. He scrunched up his nose, before saying, “Please baby.”

“Well since you asked nicely.” Taking one, you held it up to his mouth, which was perched on your shoulder. He gobbled up half the cookie in one bite.

“Oh my god! These are delicious.” His garbled speech could barely be made out as he continued to inhale the treat. “So back to why you’re home, and baking me these yummy cookies. Can I have another one?”

You just laughed at him, and handed over another. “Well…umm…I sort of quit.”

He let go of you fully, only so that he could look you in the face. “Are you serious?” When you nodded your head yes, he took the plate of cookies and put them on the counter; before picking you up in the air and spinning you around. “You don’t know how happy this makes me.”

He still hadn’t put you down. “I think I have an idea.”

“I get you all to myself for the next eleven days.” He was wearing a mischievous grin as he slid you slowly down his body. “And I think I have an idea on how we should celebrate.” His mouth crushed yours in a searing kisses that made you weak in the knees. He hadn’t let your feet touch the ground yet, and the kiss made it seem as if you were floating on air. God you’d missed him.

Hands entwined around his neck, you pulled slightly back, before mumbling. “Bedroom…now.”

Pecking your lips, he responded. “Why, when we haven’t christened the kitchen yet?” He lifted you onto the island, next to the plate of cookies; his mouth never leaving yours as he set you down. You pushed his suit coat off his shoulders and it lay on the ground completely forgotten, as you unbuttoned his shirt. His skin felt warm, as your hands roamed over his chest. He nibbled on your neck and you threw your head back relishing the feel of his lips on you. This road trip had been too long and you craved his touch. You leaned back, bracing yourself against the cool marble; while he continued his assault on your body. “Lift your hips baby.” The low trill of his voice, caused goosebumps all along your skin. There was nothing to do but obey the command he’d given. He slid both your leggings and your panties off in one fell swoosh, to join his shirt and coat. Grabbing your hips, he glided you closer to the edge. Then with one hand, he undid his belt and pants; while his other ran up and down your slit. “God babe, I love how wet you get.” You let out a moan, which sounded foreign even to your own ears. Two of his fingers slid easily inside you, and as he made a come here motion with them; he almost sent you spiraling into bliss, but you wanted more, needed him.

“Ty, please fuck me.”

“Did you miss me baby?’ He had his cock in his hand, stroking it up and down. You bit your lip in anticipation, as you nodded your head. Spreading your wetness all over your pussy, he said. “I missed you more babe.” With that he thrust himself fully into you, both of you screaming out the others name. He felt incredible, and you wrapped your legs around him as he started to thrust in and out of you. It wouldn’t be long for either of you to cum, you were both so primed for each other. His hands were on your hips as he pumped into you harder with each push. “I’m so close (Y/N).” He panted out. You reached between the two of you, finding your clit and pressing it just how you liked. With a few deep thrusts, Tyler grunted and spilled his seed into you. It sent you over the edge and too were cumming with him. Heavy breathing filled the kitchen as the two of you gasped for air, coming down from your high. He tucked your head into his shoulder, then lifted you completely off the counter and carrying you over to the couch; where you both could lay down. You grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around the two of you. He arranged you, so that he was laying mostly on the couch, but could still lay his head on you. Once you were both comfortable, Tyler said. “I missed you so much baby.”

“I missed you too Ty.”

He looked up at you, all serious, from his spot on your chest. “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the baby.” He gave you a devilish grin.

“Oh excuse me!” you said in mock defense. “By all means don’t let me interrupt.”

He leaned up and gave you a quick peck. “I missed you too, but now I need to have a chat with this one.” He laid back down on your chest looking down at your tummy. “Hi baby, it’s daddy. I’m finally home, and missed you and mommy. Did she tell you, she’s going to stay home and be with us every day now? You’re going to love it so much, cause you have the best mommy in the world. You’ll find that out soon, but not too soon. So keep being good in there for her. I love you little one.” He then kissed your stomach; and it made you melt. After hearing that little conversation you definitely knew you’d made the right decision to stay at home for your family.

#nervous regrets #tyler seguin #tyler seguin imagine #tyler seguin imagines #tyler seguin smut #dallas stars #dallas stars imagine #dallas stars imagines #hockey imagines #hockey imagine #hockey fanfiction #nhl imagines #nhl imagine #nhl fanfic #nhl smut

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studentville-struggles · 4 years

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Lockdown Luck

Part 2!

A short Draco drabble I thought up in the shower during these strange quarantine days. I’ve got some cute plans for part 3, sorry part 2 is so late!

Pairing: Draco x reader Words: 1,250 Summary: Experiencing the muggle world was what you had planned post Hogwarts, a pandemic was not on the cards, nor what you discovered during it

Masterlist / Part 1

You sat in your living room for hours, catching up on the seven years you had missed. Draco was less spoilt brat come desperate for parental approval and more his own person now, oh, and he was a healer now.

It turns out, with the whole pandemic thing going on, some healers from St Mungos were volunteering to come into the muggle health industry and help out in hospitals – Draco being one of them. So not only did you now apparently have a fiancé, you also had a roommate. Wonderful.

Draco had a small tendency to not think things through properly, you’d seen it a few times in school. You had also met enough children of your parent's friends to make the assumption that they probably all had the same tendencies.

Call it one of the less helpful Slytherin traits; we all tend to get what we what for the majority, no matter what.

You didn’t mind putting Draco up really. Especially if he was volunteering at a hospital, and he had said he picked this one so that he might be able to be near you and make an effort to be with you before the wedding. You just wished he would’ve had a bit more tact in asking. It was in one way, annoying and obnoxious, and in another, totally sweet and heart-warming.

Within the next few days, the two of you apparated to and from Dracos flat to grab everything he might have needed at your flat, given he would be working now. You had asked him over dinner one night how he felt about working in a muggle hospital, given you knew his parents were pretty strong on the anti-muggle front. To your surprise, he had mentioned that a lot of healers were now being trained in muggle medicine to help in emergencies given the increased frequency that they were finding novel diseases. You were impressed, this was a change to the snarky, rude, confused boy you knew at Hogwarts. Or at least the Draco you remembered the most.

The more time you were spending with Draco, the more you were seeing, and remembering, the softness in him. You know you’d seen it in the past, when you were a lot younger, even a few sweet moments at school, but not for a long time really. It was unnerving at first, so stark in contrast to what you remembered everyone saying about him, what you remembered mostly, but it soon became lovely, warm and, in a way, safe.

It was worrying to you just how quickly you were used to having Draco around, even more so with how much you were quite liking having him around. How could you trust someone so quickly, no matter how long you knew him before.

Though the Draco from your memory still reared his head on occasion. Though each time he snapped or talked down to you he would always take himself for a short walk and come back with flowers or wine or sunset picture and apologise for his outburst. You were unnerved at first, worried this was a slippery slope to emotional abuse. However, it did not take long, mearly the second outburst, to see the grief and exhaustion in his face, eyes darkened with sadness. He was a work in progress, desperately trying to unlearn the terrible traits he developed younger in an attempt to gain his fathers praise. It made your heart break for him.

However, you were nearing closer and closer to your three week deadline and somehow you had to plan a wedding?! Were you going to do a small ceremony now and then do a bigger one with friends and a bigger party later? You knew your muggle friends from university would be quite offended if they found out you got married and didn’t bother to even tell them you were engaged. You had to meet the deadline, for your parents had made a contract – which they still hadn’t mentioned might you add - though nothing incredible can be planned, bought and organised in that time.

So. Much. Stress.

The greatest surprise of having Draco back in your life; he planned and booked a fitting for you in Madam Malkins for your wedding dress and his suit. A very welcome surprise as you truly did not know where to start. Whilst Madam Malkins was more than a little surprised at your speedy turnaround time, she didn’t seem to be surprised at the pairing before her.

As you stood there with Madam Malkins draping fabric around you, stood as still as you could on that little pedestal, Draco chatted away. Keeping your mind off the ache in your legs, making you laugh, Draco was being a truly wonderful person to be around. Even if this marriage didn’t produce ‘love’ you knew you could at least see a strong friendship building.

---

The down side of being thrown into an engagement and co-living situation was that you, at any moment, were going to have him walk in frame while you were on a video call, and you hadn’t fully prepared an explanation to your office mates as to why you now had a man living in your flat with you. You managed for almost a week and a half to keep things unwraps; Draco being on shift at the hospital at times when you had meetings planned.

That was, until Draco’s shift was sent home early, a team member having tested positive for the illness. This meant he was housebound for two days until his test results came back. You knew there was no chance you were going to make it without a slip up. You were only too right.

“Is that a boy”

“uhhhh yeah?”

“You live alone though?”

“Uhh, not anymore.”

“Who’s that?”

“It’s a long story...”

A group meeting really wasn’t the place to start discussing your newly revealed arranged marriage so you were really hoping the point would be dropped; and it was for a bit. Until the social check-in call.

Informing people you work with that you were now getting married to a dude you went to school with went down interestingly. With Draco being home, it was clear some of the girls were playing their questions as innocent on the surface but with the underlying ‘do you need help’ clear for you to read into.

You were now two weeks into your three-week deadline; you were down to planning the final few bits for what you were calling your initial ceremony. Assuming this was a marriage that wasn’t immediately going to go to shit, you were hoping to have a proper party. Or maybe you’d still have one even if it all went to shit; celebrate the beginning of the end.

Having eventually chewed your parents out for getting you a husband and not mentioning it for several bloody years, your mother offered to do a small amount of catering for an initial wedding reception.

Cake and snacks; sorted.

All you really needed was a venue. You know, a place to actually get married. Draco had mentioned his family had a lot of land near the manor as an offhand comment and as the days passed you were starting to think it was his was of asking to get married at his home.

They say communication is key, but how do you build consistent communication in three weeks? This certainly was an exceptional time; what was in the water.

Tags open: @slytherclawmalfoy

#studentville-struggles #rachel tries to write #draco malfoy #draco malfoy fanfiction #draco fanfic #draco x reader #draco malfoy oneshot #lockdown luck #draco arranged marriage #arranged marriage #soft draco #arranged marriage au

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georgetownuniversitypress · 4 years

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Darcy Lear: What will you take back to the face-to-face language classroom post-pandemic?

Like so many educators who’ve moved first to emergency remote teaching then to something more like online teaching, I have been overwhelmed by the information coming at me. At first, I eagerly attended all the Zoom workshops I could to get over the learning curve. Then I settled into a holding pattern that fit within my comfort zone for the online venue. Now I try limit my time on Zoom to the hours I am teaching or otherwise engaging with students.

Once the clutter and confusion cleared a bit, I was able to start to look ahead toward a return to face-to-face teaching. And what I’ve realized is that emergency remote teaching reminds me of some of the most important basics of language education—things I want to take back to the in-person classroom as soon as that is possible.

Here are a few of the things I am doing now that I want to keep doing post-pandemic:

1. Keep it simple—technology edition

Just because you can doesn't mean you should. And just because a technology exists, doesn't mean you should incorporate it into your classes—especially during forced online teaching due to a pandemic.

I have necessarily added the online teaching platform used by my campus: Zoom. Otherwise, students and I are using the same tech we've always used—the campus online learning system and the publisher's online textbook and workbook materials. I know Flipgrid and Flippity and Padlet and Panopto and Quizlet and twelve different recording and transcribing options exist. I believe that some are great pedagogical tools and have true potential in the language classroom. But not now. There have been enough learning curves during the pandemic.

Takeaway Don't use bells and whistles gratuitously. Identify your problem first, then solve it using technology if and only if it meets your needs.

2. Keep it simple—curriculum edition

Simplify, simplify, simplify. Are high-stakes tests feasible in the new venue? Do I really need 8-10 course components? Are my own pedagogical materials consistent across different documents and platforms?

The first two questions were a pleasure to address when we were first forced online in spring 2020: high-stakes chapter tests and the final exam were eliminated and replaced by low-stakes daily online quizzes (this is stuff we've known is better for a long, long time). These were 5-10 item assessments closely tied to content covered in that day's class. I told students, "If you can't complete those quizzes without resources, that's a red flag for you. Did you miss class and so it makes sense that it was hard? Do you need to brush up on a grammar point? Do you need to meet with me outside of online class? Did you forget to do the online homework (from which some quiz items are copied and pasted)?" This is what assessment is for—to measure student progress and see if they are ready to move on.

In the meantime, students’ course-long blogs and research projects formed the kind of project-based portfolio assessment we also have known for a long, long time is a better way to assess student learning than a lot of our old-school achievement tests (the kinds of tests people are fretting over how to administer securely online while ‘monitoring cheating’).

I folded some course components, such as recorded TalkAbroad conversations, into students’ portfolio projects so that students reported on them within the regular blog posts they were doing instead of in separate assignments.

By the time the spring 2020 course started, there were three major course components: textbook content, an online blog, and a research project. There were a total of 5 grading categories: daily quizzes, daily blog posts, in-class mini-presentations, a course-long research project, and a final presentation of the research project.

A single thread ran through the entire course so that the work to prepare for class led smoothly into the synchronous class period, which was followed by homework and assessments that reviewed all the content before repeating the cycle. Even though this is how it’s supposed to always work, it felt more focused and streamlined than any face-to-face course I've taught in recent memory.

In cleaning up my pedagogical materials, I developed a kind of check list: Do I even need to keep this content? Is there a way to fold this material into something else (portfolio assessments, online quizzes)? Do I use the names I have for assignments consistently? Do they make sense? Why were assignments described as "personal readings" in course documents and grade book columns years after they'd become "blog entries" in practice? Ditto for "documents 1-5" that were really "research project" components. Getting ready to engage in emergency remote teaching forced me to revisit a lot of content that worked inside my own head but didn't make a lot of sense to anyone else, something I know is an issue when designing pedagogical materials, writing instructions, writing academic articles—you name it!

Takeaway Can I simplify logistics for students? Can the various bits and pieces be streamlined so it makes more sense to students and flows better for all of us?

3. Keep it simple—classroom edition

As the teacher, do most of your work outside of class. With emergency remote teaching, most of my time was dedicated to planning before class, then grading and meeting with students after. In the online class sessions, I mostly just set up activities for students then hang out and listen to them interact. Occasionally, I interrupt to correct or explain, but mostly I wait for students to self-correct or reach out to me for clarification. I’ve noticed a lot more self-correction when I gave students the time and space to do it—well, Zoom did that for me.

This experience has reminded me of the kind of planning and preparing required of a novice teacher. I set up my lesson plan, re-visit it after a day or so, then run through it before class starts to make sure I have everything ready to go on my laptop:

Is the ebook opened to the first page I'll reference?

Do students have the link to the Google doc I'll ask them to use?

Do I have the PDF opened and ready to click on?

Is the PowerPoint presentation launched?

Do I know when I'm going to use breakout rooms and how many I will need?

At the beginning of each class, I share my screen to show students the lesson plan and run through the major topics as well as assignments that are due soon. It begs the question: why haven’t I been sharing my lesson plans with students all along?

Getting everything set up seems to take more time and energy than the Zoom session itself, but in the Zoom session I also shed the novice teacher and settle into the role of experienced teacher.

As soon as a Zoom class ends, I go back into planning mode—I post the day's lesson plan and homework online for students to reference, then I prepare the first draft of the next session's lesson plan. Before I polish the next plan, I spend a lot of time grading—reading/watching students' work, making individual comments on it, and checking their progress with online activities and assessments. In the process, I make sure the homework and quizzes align well with the class sessions (something I haven't dedicated enough time to in face-to-face teaching over the past decade or so).

Takeaway Be transparent with students. Make most of your work happen in the prep and follow-up so class time can focus on smooth student activities.

4. Let students learn by doing: Be the guide on the side, not the sage on the stage

Zoom is a horrible venue for "teacher at the front of class soliciting responses from individual students"—but so is a classroom if your goal is for students to build communicative competence in the language. But in classrooms it's very easy to fall into old-school patterns of the teacher doing too much of the talking. Online teaching—where everyone is disembodied and there are awkward pauses combined with people talking over each other—forces me to abandon any remnants of the Atlas complex. If I'm talking on Zoom it's very obvious I'm delivering a lecture or a teacher presentation.

I do talk to the whole group at the beginning and end of each Zoom session, with some teacher-like explanations peppered throughout the entire course. But most of the time spent on Zoom has been students in breakout rooms interacting with each other in Spanish—sometimes discussing textbook content in groups, sometimes preparing brief presentations to give to the whole class, sometimes with student discussion leaders who are formally assessed on their performance. I pop in but try to leave myself on mute.

Takeaway Find a way to put myself "on mute."

5. Be flexible and go easy on yourself and others

Right now we’re in a pandemic, but in "normal times" there are always some individuals who are navigating crises. We don't need to know the details, but we can make interactions with us easier instead of harder—extend deadlines, take late work, allow students to make up tests, and be understanding when they have to miss class.

Takeaway Nobody needs a punitive work or learning environment—ever. Be flexible. Go easy on yourself and others.

Darcy Lear has a PhD in Foreign and Second Language Education from the Ohio State University and teaches Spanish at the University of Chicago. She regularly gives presentations on teaching strategies to departments around the country and has developed languages for special purposes courses at several institutions. Lear is also a career coach, helping people to position themselves to use their language skills in rewarding careers. She is the author of Integrating Career Preparation into Language Courses.

#language learning #language teaching #pedagogy #new books #language acquisition #actfl #online teaching #teaching online #pandemic #covidー19 #covid lockdown

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allthehorrormovies · 4 years

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A+1 - A blend of American Pie and Scream, but surprisingly better than that sounds. Outlining the plot would give away the twist, which tips its hand early on, yet ends in a gratifying manner. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Make love, not war.

Alien - A friend remarked how this film likely wouldn’t be made today. It’s shot too dark. It’s quiet, purposefully. There’s no action for much of the first half; more a study in isolated labor and worker exploitation. And there’s not a “star,” outside of teenage dreamboat Harry Dean Stanton. Actors like Sir Ian Holm Cuthbert were selected for their ability, not their stature within Hollywood, as production took place in London. As Robert Ebert said, “These are not adventurers, but workers.” We’re lucky it was made, supposedly, in part because the success of Star Wars pushed the studio to quickly release their own space movie. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sigourney Weaver is the ultimate Final Girl.

Aliens - The deliberate, slow pace of Alien is replaced by James Cameron’s grandiose action, backed by four times the original budget. Like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s amazing that both films avoid “the disease of more.” Cameron’s characters are too often weighed down by punch-line dialogue, but all the elements together somehow work. Ripley’s character begins to move past being a simple pilot and into a warrior woman, for better and worse. The studio originally tried to write her out of the sequel due to a contract dispute, but Cameron thankfully refused to make the film without her. There are people out there who prefer Aliens to Alien, and that’s fine. They are wrong, but that’s fine. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien³ - David Fincher has famously disowned his directorial debut, citing studio deadlines for its poor quality. Compared to the first two films, it certainly is a failure. Though gorier, the scenes with the digital alien look terrible upon re-viewing. The various writers and scripts, some potentially interesting—especially William Gibson’s version, and changing cinematographers and the insertion of Fincher late into production doomed the project from the start. All that said, the movie itself isn’t terrible—parts are even good, but what feels like a midway point in Ripley’s saga is ultimately her end, and that feels cheap. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien: Covenant - The maddening mistakes of Prometheus absent, this sequel is a tense, action-packed killer of a flick. Scott claims a third prequel is in the works that will tie everything back to Alien, which is . . . fine? It’s just that the first film was so great and everything else since then seems so unnecessary. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien Resurrection - The aliens look better than ever before, but Joss Whedon’s dialogue is simply annoying and the casting is horrible. Ripley has super powers and kills her large adult alien son. Winona Ryder decides crashing a space ship into Paris, killing untold millions, is the best way to get rid of the aliens for some reason. It’s fucking dumb and cost $70 million to make. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. In the special edition intro, director Jean-Pierre Jeunet says he didn’t change much in the re-release because he was proud of the theatrical version. Baffling.

Amer - This Belgian-French film is a tribute to the Italian tradition of giallo, a stylized, thriller told in three sections that directors like Suspiria’s Dario Argento pioneered. Mostly wordless, there’s not much plot, more a series of moments in a women’s life revolving around terrifying, sexual moments that ends in murder and madness. There are some terrific scenes, but it’s more of an art piece than movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

An American Werewolf in London - Funny and scary all at once, setting the bar almost impossibly high for all that followed. Rick Baker's special effects catapult this movie into greatness. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Ebert was right, though; it doesn’t really have an ending.

Annihilation - Perhaps more of a sci-fi thriller than a horror movie. But due to some terrifying monsters scenes, I’m going to include it. Apparently writer/director Alex Garland wrote the screenplay after reading the first book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, giving the movie a different overall plot. Garland’s sleek style that made Ex Machina so wonderful is replaced by “The Shimmer,” which gives the film a strange glow. The ending relies too much on digital special effects that looked more gruesome in earlier segments, detracting from its intended impact. Still, a few key scenes, especially the mutated bear, are downright terror-inducing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first found the constant flashbacks unnecessary, but viewed as a refraction on Portman’s mind as well as her body make them more forgiving.

The Babadook - Creepy and nearly a perfect haunted horror movie, except for some final tense moments that too quickly try to switch to sentimental, which leaves their earnestness falling flat. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Dook. Dook. Dook.

The Babysitter (2017) - One of Netflix’s original movies, this one pays off in gore and borrows heavily from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World-style jokes. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Meh. It’s cheesy and cliché, but whaddaya gonna do?

Backcountry - Don’t be fooled thinking this is like Jaws “but with a bear,” as I did. Unsympathetic characters and zero tension make this movie a drag to watch. At the start, you think, “Who cares if these assholes get eaten by a bear? They wandered into bear country without a map.” By the end, you’re actively cheering for the bear to eat the boyfriend and only a little sympathetic for the lead character. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. To her credit, Missy Peregrym does a fine job of being a mostly lone protagonist.

Basket Case - Cult director Frank Henenlotter‘s debut starts as a creepy, bloody horror movie, but staggers after showing the monster too soon and then tries to fill time with unnecessary backstory and extended scenes of screams and blood that would have otherwise been eerily good if executed more subtly. Despite not being very good, it’s at least somewhat interesting and kind of impressive considering its low budget. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Battle Royal - I’m not convinced this is a horror movie, it’s more just a gory action flick. But hey, oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun, but not as great as many people seem to believe.

The Beyond - Considered one of Lucio Fulci’s greatest films, it might be a bit disappointing to newcomers of his work. Certainly the style and impressive gore are at their highest, but the muddled plot and poor dubbing distract from the overall effect. Fabio Frizzi‘s score is, for the most part, a great addition, however, certain key moments have an almost circus-like tone, which dampens what should be fear-inducing scenes. It’s easy to see why some fans absolutely love this movie while some critics absolutely hate it. In the end, it’ll please hardcore horror fans, but likely bore others. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Beyond the Gates - Two estranged brothers are sucked into an all-too-real game of survival after finding a mysterious VHS board game following the disappearance of their father. The plot is fun and original, but the lead actors aren’t all that engaging and the special effects look rather outdated for a 2016 release. Still, it’s an enjoyable watch. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Christmas - A slasher that starts out with potential, but never gets all that scary or gory, though it’s well made. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Margot Kidder gets a kid drunk.

Black Sheep (2006) - A hilarious, gory take on zombie sheep. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Sunday - The Mask of Satan (aka Black Sunday) is totally my new superhero/metal band name. If you're a fan of older horror, this one is not-to-miss. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Vengeance, vampires, Satan worship, castles, curses, and a buxom heroine, this movie is pretty damn dark for a 1960's black & white film.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter - Scores points for a couple of horrific scenes and a fairly good switcheroo, but mostly too slowly paced to capture the viewer’s attention. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Emma Roberts continues her path to being the modern Scream Queen.

The Birds - Hithcock’s film was, by no means, the first horror movie. German, Japanese, and UK directors had explored witches, demons, and the classic monsters decades earlier. But, The Birds is a landmark film, like Psycho, for pioneering a new wave of modern horror. It was, perhaps, the first time female sexuality and ecological revenge had been combined to create an unsettling tale with an ambiguous ending. And the rather graphic scenes of found corpses, combined with a minimalist score, are nearly as shocking today as when the film was first released. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Braindead - It's Bill Pulman and Bill Paxton in a 1980s B-horror; what more do you need? Most people won't enjoy this campy fart of nonsense, but try pulling your TV outside and getting good and drunk. Anything's good then. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. “The universe is just a wet dream."

The Brood - No where near as polished as Scanners or Videodrome, but still a creepy, well-made film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Bucket of Blood - This black & white 1959 film from Roger Corman is more dark comedy than horror, but it’s a absurdly fun critique of beatnik culture written by Corman’s partner on Little Shop of Horrors. Dick Miller gives a great performance, and with a run time of about an horror, the pacing feels relatively quick for an older film. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Byzantium - The tale of two British vampires who live like wandering gypsies, setting up a low-rent brothel in a seaside town despite being immortal badasses because the all-powerful, all-male secret vampire club is trying to kill them, because . . . no girls allowed? It’s unclear. The vampires are of the more modern type—they go out during the day and receive their curse from a geological location than from one another. Still, overall the movie is better than it has to be. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever - Eli Roth’s directorial debut isn’t awful, but it certain could have been better considering Roth credits Carpenter’s The Thing as its inspiration. The homophobic jokes date the movie more than the alt-rock soundtrack and the repetitive scenes reminding viewers of how the mysterious disease spreads (at apparently differing rates depending on the character) during the conclusion end up creating a weird kind of plot hole. To his credit, some of the nods to The Thing are OK. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever - That Ti West made this pseudo-campy and outright bad movie during the same period that he made The House of the Devil is perplexing. The style, pace, and subtly that make The House of the Devil an enjoyable film are nonexistent in this cash-grab sequel. West apparently hated the final cut and requested his name be removed from the project. That said, I kind of like this movie better than the original. I’ve always found Roth’s praise of his directorial debut to be odd, as it’s not very good. For what it’s worth, this movie isn’t trying to be anything other than what it is: a tasteless, bad horror movie. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Retcons the plot hole in the first movie, at least.

The Cabin in the Woods - As good of a spoof of the horror genre as one could hope. Stereotypical with an O'Henry twist at every turn, this movie is good for an afternoon viewing, much like Tucker & Dale vs Evil. Without giving much away, if you think about it, The Cabin In the Woods is like a weird PSA about how marijuana will destroy all of mankind. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun and gory with something for everyone.

Candyman - Decades later, it’s not as easy to see why Candyman was such a landmark movie. It’s a bit slow, stumbles in places, and some of the acting is only serviceable. However, the story itself (based on Clive Baker’s original) is—on paper at least—good. Critics at the time were rightfully hesitant to praise a movie simply for having a black villain, especially when his origin is based on racial violence, but Tony Todd’s portrayal is so terrifying it launches the character into one of the all time great horror monsters. Add in Philip Glass’s soundtrack and Candyman reigns among other classics without being a top contender. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Carrie - I saw this movie on TV a long time ago, but I had forgotten much of the film, especially the opening scene of slow motion nudity (aren't these girls supposed to be in high school?!). The remake of this movie is likely going to be bad, but the original is so good I'll probably go see it. What can be said? Pig's blood. Fire. Religious indoctrination. Sexual overtones. There's a reason Brain de Palma's version of Steven King's story became so culturally important. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. This movie holds up, even today.

Carrie (2013) - Though nothing is glaringly bad, and the added back-story decently pulled off by Julian Moore as the mother, almost every scene is a shadow of the original. Which is unfortunate considering that the remake of Let The Right One In managed to find a somewhat more unique tone. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Largely unnecessary.

The Changeling - George C. Scott does a fine job as a mourning husband haunted by an unfamiliar spirit. Not the most exciting movie, but pretty decent. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It might’ve ranked higher, but there are no half stars here. 

Cheerleader Massacre - This movie looks like someone shot it in their backyard with an earl 90s handheld camcorder . . . in high school. This is just embarrassing, for me too. The actors seem to be exotic dancers or adult film stars, who haven’t been asked back for a shift in a while. Alright, I skipped through this because the quality was so low. At around minute 41 there's a bathtub scene with three naked women, which culminates in one licking chocolate sauce off each other’s breasts. Some people die. Two of the naked women survive, I think. The house they all go to in the beginning of the movie - a ski lodge, I guess - burns down, or doesn't. Whatever. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. Just watch actual porn.

Child’s Play - While only OK, I understand how this became a franchise. Melted Chucky is terrifying. The villain can hop from vessel to vessel, unfortunately through some kind of voodoo racist bullshit. The characters are shallow, but serviceable. For such a big budget movie, it’s weird that it ends so abruptly. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Children of the Corn - Damn, this movie is boring. Linda Hamilton does the World's Least Sexy Birthday Striptease. The characters are joking quite a bit having just run over a child, whose dead body is rattling around in the trunk. What was the casting call like for this movie? "Wanted: Ugly children. Must look illiterate." All in all, things turn out pretty good for our protagonists. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. For something that spurred at least five other movies, this was remarkably uninspiring.

City of the Living Dead - The dialogue is awkward and the plot a bit convoluted, but the special effects hold up and the overall story is good. The first of Lucio Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. Apparently when the movie was screened in L.A., Fulci was booed. 3 of 5 pumpkins. Poor Bob the Simple Pervert.

Climax - Gaspar Noé is known for making viewers feel as uncomfortable possible with his experimental style film making. Which is fine. But that discomfort rarely lands to move me outside the initial shock. Climax is, surprisingly, more like a Suspiria remake than the actual 2018 remake. That, however, doesn’t make it good. The really shocking moments aren’t all that shocking and the cultural commentary isn’t very deep. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just, well, unnecessary. The dance scenes are extraordinary, so at least it’s got that going for it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Color Out of Space - An enjoyable, albiet uneven, film that does a lot with little. A head-trip type of home invasion movie that pulls you in. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring - It’s easy to see why so many people love this movie. It’s well-acted, it has jump-out-of-your-seat scares, and incorporates several classic fear elements. Considering the mediocre, at best, tiredly worn horror movies that slump to torture porn for shock value coming out recently, The Conjuring stands above its peers. Still, there’s nothing original about the movie. 3 out 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring 2 - Billed as more shocking than the original, this sequel likely lands better in theaters with it’s jump-cut scares and action flick sequences. On the home screen, however, the overly dramatic elements are too far flung to seem like a haunting based on true events. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep (2014) - Nails the P.O.V. angle without going too far down the overly-used “found footage.” Mark Duplass is terrifying and without his ability to carry the film, the entire concept could have easily fallen flat. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep 2 - Mark Duplass pleasantly surprises with a sequel that, while not as *ahem* creepy as the first, builds out the world of his serial killer in a manner that is engaging and ends with the potential for more. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Crimes of Passion - Technically it’s an “erotic thriller,” but given Ken Russell in the director’s chair and Anthony Perkins as the villain, I’m adding it to this list. Unfortunately, it’s not a great film. Kathleen Turner surpasses over acting in some scenes, and the rest of the cast is pretty forgettable. If the plot revolved around Perkins’s character, it might have been more of a horror flick. Instead revolves around loveless marriage and the fucked up issues of sexuality in America, attempting to say . . . something, but never really making a point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Russell has got an obsession with death dildos. I don’t know what to do with that information. Just an observation.

Crimson Peak - Guillermo del Toro is a complicated director. He’s created some truly remarkable films, but has also created some borderline camp. Crimson Peak splits the difference, much in the same way Pacific Rim does. If you’re a deep fan of a particular genre, in this case Victorian-era romance, then the movie can be an enjoyable addition to the category with its own voice. If you’re not, then the movie’s more eye-roll-inducing moments are less a nod to fandom and more of an uninvited addition to what could be a straight forward film. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Beautiful, but lacking.

Cronos - This del Toro film is a must-see for any fan of his current work. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Even if you're not usually a fan of foreign films, you'll likely appreciate this modern take on the vampire mythology.

Dagon - To be honest, I feel like I should watch this one again. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess, but there are some wacky, gory moments at the end. Similar in tone and style to Dead and Buried. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Seriously, like the last 20 minutes cram so much plot it’s just a series of wtf moments until hitting incest and then nothing really matters.

Darling - Well shot in beautiful black and white with an excellence score, Darling really should receive a better score. However, it fails to be more than the sum of its parts. Borrowing liberally from Kubrick’s one-point perspective and Polanski’s Repulsion in nearly every other way, the film is decent, but fumbles in deciding whether to convince the audience of a clear plot, leaving viewers with closure, yet unsatisfied. Still, worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Daughters of Darkness - A Belgian/French erotic vampire film that isn’t as erotic or vampiric as one might hope. Still, legend Delphine Seyrig shines so brightly, it’s catapults are relatively boring film into near greatness. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dawn of the Dead - The best zombie movie ever made. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Day of the Dead - George A. Romero’s end to a near-perfect trilogy isn’t as good as its predecessors, but it’s gorier and somehow more depressing, even with the ending. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dead and Burried - Starts with a bang, but lags in the middle. The ending tries too hard to surprise you, yet, by the time it’s over you kind of don’t care. Surprisingly well acted and good, creepy tale. Might not be everyone’s bag, but if you’re a tried-and-true horror fan, you’ll enjoy the movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The movie was written by Dan O’Bannon, famed for writing Alien. O’Bannon worked with John Carpenter on a short in film school, quit being a computer animator on Star Wars to be a screenwriter, and became broke and homeless after attaching himself to Jodorowsky’s doomed Dune. He later went on to direct The Return of The Living Dead and write Total Recall.

Dead Snow - A Nazi zombie bites off a dude's dick. Do you really need any other details? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Germans be crazy.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - Not as good as its predecessor, but still fun. Plus, more children die. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Why all the gay jokes, though?

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats - OK, my first nit-pick is that the bed doesn’t eat people so much as it dissolves people. But it still makes chewing sounds? Whatever. A bizarre concept that swings for seriousness and utterly fails due to its lack of plot and extremely low budget. Kinda of weird, but ultimately pretty boring. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Death Spa - Hilariously bad. Super 80s. I can’t say this is a good film, but I would recommend watching it for the kitsch value. What if a ghost haunted a gym? Instant money maker. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: the project came about due to shepherding from Walter Shenson, who got rich producing A Hard Day’s Night and Help!, and the lead actor, who plays a gym manager, was an actual gym manager in L.A. at the time.

Deathgasm - Imagine if Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was about a New Zealand metal band and not as good, but still pretty OK. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Deep Red (aka Profondo Rosso, aka The Hatchet Murders) - Dario Argento’s 1975 film is more polished than 1977′s Suspiria, which is a bit surprising. However, that doesn’t necessarily make it a better film. Where Suspirira’s fever dream colors and superior soundtrack, also by Goblin, shines, Deep Red doesn’t quite land. The camera work here is better, though, as is much of acting. But there’s a lot of let downs, such as the opening psychic bowing out and never really coming up again, the boorish male lead and oddly timed humor, and the final reveal, which is anti-climatic. Still, an overall great horror movie. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Def by Tempation - I really enjoyed this film, despite it not being the most skillful directed or the most incredible script. The plot is compelling, the jokes are pretty funny, and the angles and lighting are really well done despite the limited budget. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Admittedly, Kadeem Hardison nostalgia helps.

Demons - Multiple people recommended this to me, and I can see why considering the Dario Argento connection. Unfortunately, the premise is more exciting than the execution. Poorly acted and poorly dubbed, the gore doesn’t do enough to hold one’s attention. There’s a scene where a guy rides around on a dirt bike killing demons with a samurai sword. At least that happens. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Is the ticket-taker in on it? She works in the demon theater, right? So, why is she being hunted? Also, where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

The Descent - Some of Earth’s hottest, most fit women embark on a spelunking adventure with a recently traumatized friend. Aside from a couple of lazy devices that put the team in greater peril than necessary, the movie quickly and cleverly puts the cavers into a horrifying survival scenario that few others in the genre have matched. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Without giving too much away, be sure you get the original, unrated cut before watching this flick.

The Devil’s Backbone - Though del Toro’s debut, Cronos, is more original and imaginative, this is much more honed. Not necessarily frightening, but tense and dreadful through out, laying open the horror war inflicts on all it touches. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Devil’s Candy - More of a serial killer thriller than a horror, but the supernatural elements raise this movie to better-than-average heights. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The real lesson is this movie is that cops won’t save you, ONLY METAL CAN SAVE YOU!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - The biggest upside to this movie is that it was produced by Guillermo del Toro. The biggest downside is that it's not directed by Guillermo del Toro. Still, the director gets credit for making a child the main character; never an easy task. To the little girl's credit, she's a better actor than Katie Holmes, no surprise, and Guy Pierce. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. With a bit more gore and stylistic pauses, this could have been a 4. This movie proves why killing kids is more fun than kids who kill, and also that every male protagonist in every horror movie is dumb dick.

Don’t Look Now - Well-acted and interesting, Nicolas Roeg’s adaptation is a high-water mark of the 1970s premier horror. The only real complaint is that the ending—while good and obviously ties it all together—is nonsensical. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Donald Sutherland fucks.

Event Horizon - “This ship is fucked.” “Fuck this ship!” “Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see.” These are quotes from, and also the plot of, Event Horizon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The most disturbing part of the whole production might be Sam Neil’s attempt to be a sexual icon.

The Evil Dead - Though The Shining is the best horror movie ever made, The Evil Dead is my favorite. Funny, creepy, well-shot on a shoestring budget, it's the foundation for most modern horror flicks, more so than Night of the Living Dead in some fashions. See it immediately, if you haven't. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bruce fuckin' Campbell.

Evil Dead (2013) - Not entirely bad, and even takes the original plot in more realistic places, like the character having to detox. But is that what we really need? The fun of the original is its low budget, odd humor, and DIY grit. I guess if you really want a “darker” version, it’s this. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Better than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, about as good as the Carrie remake, I guess.

Evil Dead II - I have to respect Sam Raimi because it’s like he got more budget and did everything possible to try and make this movie suck just as a fuck you to the studio. All the creepy parts of the original are over-the-top, there’s zero character development—just faces on a stage, and it’s seemingly a crash-grab to set up Army of Darkness more than anything else. That said, it’s kind of boring outside of a couple gory scenes. It’s fun, but not that funny. It’s scary, but more gauche than anything. An exercise in excess, yet a decent one somehow. My biggest complaint is that Evil Dead is great with Bruce Campbell, but would have been good with almost anyone; whereas Evil Dead II is only good because it’s Bruce Campbell. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark - This movie is nothing but puns and tit jokes. But clever ones! Pretty okay with that. Or maybe it's a statement on third-wave feminism in spoof form? Probably not. At one point an old people orgy breaks out at a small town morality picnic, but it's a PG-13 movie so it doesn't get very fun. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Boooooooooobs.

Elvira's Haunted Hills - A pretty disappointing follow-up to what was a fun, 1980s romp. Instead of poking fun at uptight Protestants, Elvira’s just kind of a dick to her servant. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Even the boob jokes are flat.

The Endless - More sci-fi than horror, and not the most deftly produced, still an original concept that’s pulled off well. 3 out 5 pumpkins. Maybe this should get a higher ranking. It’s good! Not exactly scary, but good.

Equinox - Decided to give another older Criterion Collection film a try. Though there are some clever tricks in the movie, especially for its time -- like an extended cave scene that's just a black screen -- the poor sound, monsters that look children's toys, and general bad acting drag this movie down to nothing but background noise that's easy to ignore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Whatever contributions this movie may have made to the industry, its not worth your time unless studying for a film class.

Excision - Less of an outright horror movie and more of a disturbing tale of a young necrophiliac, the film tries its best to summon the agnst of being a teen, but falls short of better takes, like Teeth. Still, pretty good. Traci Lords is great and John Waters plays a priest. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Exorcist - The slow pace and attention to character backstory is more moving than the shocking scenes you've no doubt heard about, even if you haven't seen the film. The pacing is slow compared to most movies today, but the drawn out scenes, like in Rosemary's Baby, help convey the sense of dread. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Believe.

Eyes Without a Face - One of the more remarkable things about this French 1960′s near-masterpiece is how carefully it walked the line between gore and taboo topics in order to pass European standards. The villain isn’t exactly sympathetic, but carries at least some humanity, giving the story a more realistic, and therefore more frightening quality. The only, only thing that holds this film back is the carnivalesque soundtrack that could have been foreboding. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. A must watch for any horror fan.

The Fly - Cronenberg's fan-favorite film is delightful, though it’s not as great as Scanners or Videodrome, in my humble opinion. Jeff Goldblum is, of course, terrific. If you haven’t seen it, see it! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Where’d he get the monkey, though? Seems like it’d be hard to just order a monkey. The 80s were wild, man.

The Fog - A rare miss for John Carpenter’s earlier work. There’s nothing outright wrong or bad about this movie, but it’s not particularly scary and the plot is rather slow. That said, it’s soundly directed. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re a Carpenter fan, it’s still worth watching.

Forbidden World - Another Roger Corman cult classic, this one made immediately after the much larger budget Galaxy of Terror, mostly because Corman had spent so much on the first set (designed by James Cameron) and thought of a way to make another low-budget flick with a much smaller cast and recycled footage from Battle Beyond the Stars. Even more of a complete rip-off of Alien, with some Star Wars and 2001: A Space Odyssey bit sprinkled in. Perhaps because it’s far less serious and revels in its pulp, it’s somehow better than Galaxy of Terror, which is more ambitious—you know, for a Corman b-movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No worm sex scene, though.

Frankenhooker - Frank Henenlotter‘s 1990 black comedy is over-the-top in almost every way, perhaps best encapsulated by the introduction of Super Crack that makes sex workers, and one hamster, explode. But with a title like Frankenhooker, you get what you expect. Hell, it even manages to sneak in an argument for legalizing prostitution. If you’re a fan of zany, exploitation in the vein of Re-Animator, you’ll enjoy it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Friday the 13th - Terrifically balanced between campy and creepy, with a soundtrack that’s twice as good as it needs to be. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching every year.

The Frighteners - Michael J. Fox, everyone! Robert Zemeckis & Peter Jackson - ugh. It didn't even take 20 minutes for the racial stereotypes to kick in. Unlike the trope of youth in most horror movies, everyone in this movie looks old. Holy shit, did anyone else remember Frank Busey was in this movie? Michael J. Fox is a bad driver in this movie. He was also in a car accident that gave him supernatural sense. Jokes. Apparently they tried to make it look like this movie was shot in the Midwestern United States, but it was filmed in New Zealand. It's clearly a coastal or water based mountain town, in like dozens of shots. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Cheesy without being completely campy, it's also family friendly. If this were any other genre, this would likely be a two.

From Beyond - Stewart Gordon’s follow-up to Re-Animator isn’t as fun, even with some impressively gory special effects. Viewers are throw into a story with little regard for character, which doesn’t really matter, but is still a bit of a left down when you find yourself wondering how a BDSM-inclined psychiatrist builds a bomb from scratch. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It’ll stimulate your pineal gland!

Funny Games (2007) - A fairly straightforward home invasion horror achieves greatness thanks to Michael Haneke‘s apt directing and powerful performances by Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt. Like with Psycho, some of the most horrifying parts are what comes after. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The fourth wall breaking is an odd touch, but thankfully and surprisingly doesn’t distract.

The Fury - Brian De Palma’s follow-up to Carrie is a major let down. Despite a fairly charismatic Kirk Douglas and score by John Williams, the two-hour run time drags and drags. Attempting to combine horror and an action-thriller, the film waffles between genres without ever rising above either. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s not explicitly bad; just a bore to watch.

Galaxy of Terror - Roger Corman produced this movie as was to try and capitalize off the success of Alien, but even with that shallow motivation it’s better than it needed to be. Staring Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and celebrated actor Ray Walston, Galaxy of Terror has an uneven cast, made all the more puzzling by Sid Haig. Though “the worm sex scene” is likely the reason it achieved cult status, James Cameron’s production is top-notch and was clearly the foundation for his work on Aliens. The ending even hints at the future of Annihilation. Does all this make it a good movie? Not really, but it’s not terrible either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Get Out - A marvelous debut for Jordan Peele, who—given his comedy background—was able to land some downright chilling moments alongside some mostly well-timed jokes. Unfortunately, not all of them as well timed, especially the drop-in moments with the lead character’s TSA buddy. Peele originally had the film end less optimistically, but wanted audiences to ultimately walk away feeling good. Maybe not the most artistic choice, but certainly the smart one given the film’s acclaim. It’s easy to see why Get Out has cemented itself alongside The Stepford Wives as a smart, “in these times” commentary about society, but it’s also just a really well-paced, well-shot, well-acted film. With two other horror projects immediately set, it’ll be exciting to see just how much Peele will add to the genre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. America’s worst movie critic, Armond White, said Get Out was “an Obama movie for Tarantino fans” as if that was a bad thing. Idiot.

Ginger Snaps - A delightfully playful but still painful reminder of what it was like being a teenager while still being a gore-fest. A must for anyone who was emo. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Out by sixteen or dead on the scene.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night - An almost flawless picture. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: nearly everyone in this movie is insanely hot.

Green Room - Surviving a white supremacist rally in the Pacific Northwest is no joke. The region is the unfortunate home to violently racist gangs, clinging to the last shreds of ignorant hate. Though fading, some of the movements mentioned in the movie, like the SHARPs, are grounded in recent history. Mainly a gory survival-flick, the movie sneaks in some surprisingly tone-appropriate humor. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No one’s island band should be Misfits.

A Ghost Story (2017) - Yes, this isn’t a horror. It’s a drama. Don’t care; including it anyway. It’s unnerving in the way that it makes you consider your own mortality and the lives of the people who you’ve touched, and how all of that won’t last as long as an unfeeling piece of furniture or the wreckage of home soon forgot. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ghostbusters (1984) - “It’s true. This man has no dick.” 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (1978) - One of the best openings of any horror film. John Carpenter is a genius. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (2018) - Eh. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hardware - A very unhelpful Marine brings home some post-apocalyptic trash that tries to kill him and his girlfriend, who could absolutely do better than him. Horribly shot and nonsensical, it doesn’t push the boundaries of filth or gore its cult fans adore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Do not recommend.

The Haunting (1963) - Not exactly the scariest of movies, but damn well made and just dripping with gay undertones. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Theo is queen femme daddy and we are all here for it.

Haunting on Fraternity Row - The acting is surprisingly decent, but the supernatural elements don’t even start until halfway into the movie, which begins as a sort of handheld, POV style conceit and then abandons all pretense of that set up. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Not at all scary, but maybe it will make you nostalgic for frat parties, cocaine, and failed threesomes. So.

The Haunting of Julia - Apparently parents in 1970s Britain didn't receive proper Hymlic maneuver treatment, which perhaps made for an epidemic of dead children. As promising as that premise might be, an hour into this movie and there hasn't been any actual haunting. There's a stylish gay best friend (he owns a furniture store) and a dumb dick of an ex-husband, a scene of library research, mistaken visions, etc. All the standards are here, except for the haunting parts. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Well shot but absolutely boring, this is more about a woman's struggle with depression than a horror flick.

Head Count - A great premises that falters in key moments, making the sum of its parts less than its promising potential. For example, there’s no reason to show a CGI monster when you’ve already established its a shape-shifter, the scariest part is that they could be anybody! 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II - I really dislike this movie, not because it’s especially bad, but because it’s a lazy continuation of the first film. Yes, there are a couple of scenes that are squeamishly good, but it spends too much time rehashing the plot of the first and then ending in some grandiose other dimension that has not real impact. Part of the terrifying elements of the first is that the horror is confined to one room in one house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It really only gets this many pumpkins because of the mattress scene.

Hellraiser - Truly the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s easy to see why this film became a cult-classic and continues to horrify audiences. That said, the plot is a bit simplistic. Not that the plot is the heart of the film; the objective is for viewers to experience squeamish body mutilation and overall dread, and in that regard it truly delivers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hereditary - Toni Collette is a treasure in this dramatic horror about family and loss. Though the truly terrifying bits take too long to ramp up, resulting in a jumbled conclusion, the film is engrossing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hocus Pocus - Admittedly, this movie isn’t very good. But its nostalgic charm and constant virgin jokes earns it a higher ranking that it deserves. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “Max likes your yabbos. In fact, he loves them.”

Honeymoon - Often described as a modern twist on Rosemary’s Baby, this debut from promising director Leigh Janiak takes its time before getting truly creepy. Though there are some gruesome moments, the tense feeling is bound to the two leads, who are able to keep a lingering sense of dread alive without much else to play off. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Host - I was skeptical of this Korean movie based on the sub-par visual affects, but the script, actors, and cinematography were all much better than expected. A genre-bender, as my friend who recommended it described, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you're a fan of movies like Slither, you'll love this movie.

Hot Fuzz - Second in Three Flavours Cornetto and probably the worst, but still a great movie that gets better on repeat viewing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

House - A part of the Critereon Collection, this 1977 Japanese movie is a trip and a half that follows the untimely demise of some school girls going to visit their friend's aunt, who turns out to be a witch who eats unwed women. One of the girls is named Kung-Fu and spiritually kicks a demon cat painting until blood pours out everywhere. I guess this is kind of a spoiler, but the movie is such a madcap, magna-influenced experiment there's nothing that can really ruin the experience. Like most anime, this movie also ends with an unnecessary song that drags on for far too long. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. I guess this movie influenced a lot of future work, which make sense. Still, most people would consider this a 1 as it's nearly impossible to follow.

The House at the End of the Street - I only decided to watch this movie because Jennifer Lawrence is in it. This isn't even a real horror movie. It's a serial killer movie with a few thriller moments. My standards are low at this point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It's a PG-13 movie, so instead of outright showing you some boobs there's just long, awkwardly placed frames of Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank-top. Oh, America.

The House of the Devil - Though an on-the-nose homage to 70s satanic slow-burns, this Ti West feature moves at a decent pace toward the slasher-like ending, making it better than most of movies it pays tribute to. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The House on Sorority Row - A cookie-cutter college slasher that ends abruptly for no real reason considering how long it sets up its premise. Nothing awful, but nothing original. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Housebound - A fun, Kiwi flick that nicely balances a bit of horror with humor with a strong performance by Morgana O'Reilly. Though the plot takes a couple unnecessary twits towards the end, the gore kicks up and leaves you with a satisfying ending. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Howling - Released the same year as American Werewolf in London, this movie isn’t very good, but it is entertaining. Apparently audiences and critics thought it was funny. Maybe because it makes fun of that Big Sur lifestyle? I dunno. Dick Miller is the best thing in this movie, outside of the special effects. No idea why it spawned several follow ups. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Honestly, why not just lean into The Gift and join The Colony—nice surroundings, sultry nympho, regeneration ability. Some people can’t appreciate nice things.

Humanoids from the Deep - A cult favorite from the Roger Corman camp that borrows heavily from Creature from the Black Lagoon and a bit from Jaws. Initially very well done by director Barbara Peeters, but ultimately released much to her distaste. Peeters shot grisly murder scenes of the men, but used off camera and shadows to show the creatures raping the women. Corman and the editor didn’t think there was enough campy nudity. So they tapped Jimmy T. Murakami and second unit director James Sbardellati to reshoot those scenes, unknown to the cast, and then spliced the more exploitative elements back in for the final version, including a shower scene where it’s abundantly clear a new, more busty actress stands in for actual character. It’s unfortunate Peeters’ creation was essentially stolen from her, as it could have been a more respected film. I mean, how many horror flicks could weave in the economic struggle of small town bigots against a young native man trying save salmon populations? That said, the cut we got is pervy romp that’s still a boat-load of b-movie fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. James Horner on the score.

The Hunger - First off, David fucking Bowie. Not to be outdone, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve are absolute knock-outs. Horror stories are often rooted in the erotic, often the unknown or shameful aspects of ingrained morality manifested in the grotesque and deadly. When done positively and well, it can be a powerful device. It’s a shame more recent horror movies don’t move beyond the teen-to-college-year characters for their sexual icons, too often used as sacrificial lambs, because mature sexuality can be far more haunting. As we age our connections to the meaning of love grow deeper and more complex; immorality does not offer the same luster. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn impressive for a first major film. Fun fact: Tony Scott wanted to adapt Interview with the Vampire, but MGM gave him The Hunger instead. It bombed and he went back to making commercials. Then Jerry Bruckheimer got him to direct Top Gun, which made $350M.

Hush - Though the masked stranger, home invasion plot is well-worn, this movies provides just enough shifts to keep things interesting and frightening. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out, Hot John!

I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House - With only an hour and a half run time, this film still drags. Part of that is deliberate. The foundation of the film is its atmosphere and the lingering uneasiness that it wishes audiences to dwell in. But by the end, you’re left with nothing more than a simple, sad story. It’s similar to the feeling of overpaying for a nice-looking appetizer and never getting a full meal. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Initiation - This movie has every 80s hour cliché necessary: minimalist synth soundtrack, naked co-eds, looming POV shots, hunky Graduate professor, escaped psychiatric patients, prophecy nightmares, and creepy a child. Yes, everything but actual horror. An hour into the horror movie and only one person has died. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There is no point to this movie, unless you're a huge fan of the princess in Space Balls.

The Innkeepers - The second of Ti West’s two well-received horror originals before he set out for TV and found-footage anthologies, The Innkeepers may not get as much love as The House of the Devil, but should. The dual-leads (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) are more fun to watch than Jocelin Donahue‘s performance and the tone more even-set throughout the film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Innocents - Reportedly Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror movie, it’s easy to see how big of an impact it had on the genre (especially The Others) with sweeping camera angles, slow but still haunting pace, and remarkable sound design. Perhaps it’s not as well-received by modern viewers, but it’s no doubt a classic. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Intruder (1989) - An enjoyable slasher flick from long-time Sam Raimi collaborator Scott Spiegel that takes places in a grocery store after hours that doesn’t try to do too much or take itself too seriously and features some over-the-top gore. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “I’m just crazy about this store!”

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) - A terrific example of how to build paranoid fear. That its political allegory can be interpreted on both sides of McCarthyism makes it all the better. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Original ending, ftw.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) - A rare remake that’s almost as good as the original. Terrific use of San Fransisco as a setting, Goldblum Goldblum’ing it up, solid pacing—great film! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Plus, nudity!

The Invitation - More of a tense drama until the final moments, this film deserves praise for holding viewers’ attention for so long before the horror tipping point. Further details could spoil the story, but like many tales in the genre the lesson here is always trust your gut. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Ugh, Californians.

It (2017) - Stephen King’s nearly 1,200 page 1986 national bestseller captures the attention of readers for a number of reason: it’s coming-of-age story is horrific even without supernatural elements, it’s cast of characters resemble classic American archetypes from many of King’s other works, and its adaptation into a four hour mini-series staring Tim Curry as Pennywise in 1990 has haunted the imaginations of children for decades. Unfortunately, like the mini-series, the movie fails to deliver the long, unsettling moments that make the novel so thrilling. King’s story is a cocaine-fueled disaster that throws everything and the kitchen sink at viewers when compressed onto the screen. The truly terrifying elements of the book lose their impact when delivered one after another without time to feel personally connected to each character. The genius of It is the paranormal evil’s ability to hone in on a person’s darkest fears. Without deep empathy for all of The Losers, the individualized psychological torture is muted when reduced to jump-cuts. For what it’s worth, the film does its best with a jumble of sub-plots and the Pennywise origin story, but as the tone bounces from wide shots of small town Maine and the painful trauma of abuse to titled zooms of CGI monsters and an over-the-top soundtrack, something is lost. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Publishing office, 1985: “So, wait. The kids fuck?” the editor asks, disgusted. King vacuums another white rail into his nasal cavity. “Huh?! Oh. Yeah, sure. I guess. Does that happen? Jesus, I’m so fucked up right now. What day is it? What were you saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like, love is the opposite of fear, bridge to adulthood or something. Do you have any booze around here?”

It Comes At Night - More utterly depressing than terrifying and a reminder that the greatest horror we’ll likely ever face is simply the limits of our own humanity. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

It Follows - An uncomfortable and honest take on how sexuality is intertwined with the horror myth. One for the ages. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The real terror is HPV.

Jaws - A masterpiece that’s too easily remembered for its cultural impact than artist merit. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. R.I.P. Chrissie Watkins, you were a free spirit as wild as the wind.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - Yorgos Lanthimos‘s follow up to The Lobster isn’t as well done, but the wide shots, odd lines, and increasingly bizzare build-up are all present. The finale is near perfect, but takes a bit too long to reach. I’d really like to give this film a higher score, but alas: 3 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing wrong, yet something is missing.

Kiss of the Damned - There are handful of potential interesting scenes and the internal drama of a vampire family is a potentially the foundation for a good film. Despite this, Xan Cassavetes’s film never manages to actually be all that interesting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing terrible here, but also nothing remarkable.

Knock Knock - Two hotties do my man Keanu dirty. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Eli Roth is a better actor than director.

The Lair of the White Worm - A campy demon flick from Altered States director Ken Russell. Staring Hugh Grant, Peter Capaldi, and Amanda Donohoe, the plot is loosely based on Bram Stroker’s last novel, which has a few similarities to H. P. Lovecraft's novella The Shadow Over Innsmouth, which was made into the Spanish film Dagon. Very British all around, a bit like Hot Fuzz meets Clue, this could have been played straight and potentially been scary, but Russell didn’t intend to be serious. A topless snake demon wearing a death strap-on to sacrafice a virgin can’t be taken as *cinema* after all. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not great film by any stretch, but pretty fun!

Lake Mungo - Presented as a made-for-TV type of mystery documentary, this could have really turned out poorly. Despite some unnecessary plot additions, this movie really stuck with me. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Sadder than you might expect.

The Langoliers - Balki Bartokomous is the villain in this made-for-TV special. He is terrible and the rest of the cast is packed with 90s no-name actors and a child actor that might as well be the blind version of a kid Liz Lemon. You know how Stephen King writes himself into every. single. story? In this case it's not even as a plot device, it's just a character to fill space like an obvious oracle. In the book, the character tearing paper is a subtle, unsettling mannerism you assume happens quietly in the background, but because television writers treat their audiences like distracted five year-olds, this action becomes a reoccurring focus with no point or context. One of the best parts about the book was imagining the wide, empty space of the Denver airport. Of course, shutting down an entire airport would be expensive, so most of the interactions take place in a single terminal, which is just as boring as being stuck at the airport yourself. Two 1994-era Windows screen savers eat Balki at the end, then, like, all of reality, maaaaaaaan. The more I think about it, this story might have been the unconscious basis for a strong Salvia freak out I once had. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Dear male, white writers, we all know that no one actually fucks writers in real life - that's why you're all so angry. Stop creating these protagonists equipped with impossible pussy-magnets. Stop. Staaaaaaaahp.

The Last House of the Left - Wes Craven’s debut isn’t much of a horror, but a revenge tale that contains no build up or sense of dread, but an immediate and unrelenting assault of its characters and the audience. It’s well-made, and the rape revenge tale is older than Titus Andronicus, but that doesn’t mean it’s something worth viewing. There’s no joy; it’s Pink Flamingos without the camp. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. No doubt impactful, but really best viewed as a piece of history with a critical eye and not for entertainment.

The Legend of Hell House - A well made haunted house film that holds up forty years later. Pamela Franklin, playing a medium, carries much of the movie. Her foil, the physicist, is a strange character. He apparently believes people, and even dead bodies, can manifest surreal, electromagnetic energies, but not in “surviving personalities.” Yet, he still orders this giant “reverse energy” machine to “drain” the house of its evil before they even set out to research house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Dangerous diner parties, the insatiable Mrs. Barret, mirrored ceilings and kick ass Satan statues everywhere - this house seems pretty great, actually.

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires - A blast to watch, but not truly great. Unfortunately, I’ve only seen the edited version (The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula) that mixes up the beginning for no real reason and wonder how much better the original cut might be. Still, vampires! Kung Fu! Peter Cushing! 3 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Let the Right One In - Beautiful and terribly haunting. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Likely the best horror movie this generation will get.

Let Me In - Surprising good. Unnecessary, yes. But still good. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: I once watched an *ahem* found copy of Matt Reeves‘s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes without the ape subtitles and thought it was a brave choice to make the audience sympathize with the common humanity among our species. I was also pretty high.

Life After Beth - Jeff Baena‘s horror comedy features a terrific Aubrey Plaza, but Dane DeHaan’s character leaves a lot to be desired. It seems like the film is trying to save something about life, love, and family, but never finds its voice. A fine, funny movie to watch on a rainy afternoon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Lifeforce - Directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and written by Dan O'Bannon (Alien) is a film the suffers from “the disease of more.” The entire concept of space vampires is rad as hell, but a $25 million budget and a 70 mm production couldn’t save what ends up being a boring trod and a jumbled ending that somehow makes major city destruction tiring. Though, to be fair, this was well before Independence Day. Colin Wilson, author of the original source material, said it was the worst movie he has ever seen. I wouldn’t go that far, but during a special 70 mm screening, the theater host chastised the audience in advance to not make fun of the movie during the showing because it was “a great film.” Reader, it is not. But Mathilda May looks real good naked and there are a couple cool, gory shots. So, there’s that. I guess. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Patrick Stewart is in this for all of like 10 minutes, but is still listed as a main character.

The Lighthouse - From The Witch’s Robert Eggers, this film is objectively a great work of art. Brooding, stark, and compelling performances from Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson—all the elements add up into a unique and disturbing experience. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. All that said, in the same way I consider Death Spa a 2 pumpkin movie you should see, this is a 4 pumpkin movie you could probably skip. It’s not entertaining in the traditional sense, and likely not one you’d want to really ever see again. The Eggers brothers made something weirdly niche and it’s fine if it stays that way.

Little Evil - A serviceable comedy that isn’t all that scary or even gory, which is a disappointment considering Eli Craig’s Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was so good. There are a few nods to famous horror movies that make a handful of scene enjoyable, but otherwise it’s purely background material. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Little Monsters - A Hulu original that’s pretty fun, if ultimately standing on the shoulders of giants like George A. Romero and Edgar Wright. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Lizard in a Woman's Skin - Lucio Fulci’s erotic mystery starts out with groovy sex parties and hallucinations, but quickly gets dull in the middle with extended scenes of psychological assessment, only to wind up where we all started. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Lodge - A good exercise in isolation horror that, while a bit slow, ratchets up the tension and horror with each act. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn kids.

The Lost Boys - A fun, campy 80s vampire flick you’ve likely heard of or even seen. I get why it’s cemented in popular culture, but at the end of the day it’s a Joel Schumacher film with a silly plot. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Love Witch - Somewhere between earnest satire and homage, The Love Witch is a well-crafted throwback to 1960s schlock. Weaving in contemporary gender critique, the film is more than just a rehash of its sexual fore-bearers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Mandy (2018) - Like watching a bad trip from afar, Beyond the Black Rainbow director Panos Cosmatos (son of the Tombstone director) pulls off a trippy, dreadful film that starts out with story that follows logic and consequence before giving over to the full weirdness of Nicholas Cage’s uniquely unhinged style of acting. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Jóhann Jóhannsson’s score is superb.

Midsommar - Though not as good as Aster’s Hereditary, Midsommar sticks with you longer. Eerie throughout and disturbing, but not frightening in the traditional sense, it’s no surprise this film seems to split viewers into devoted fans and downright haters. Florence Pugh’s performance is wonderful and the scenes of drugged-out dread are far better than what was attempted in Climax. Some critics have called the film muddled and shallow, and certainly the “Ugly American” character fits in the later, but I found it to be a remarkably clear vision compared to the jumbled ending of Hereditary. That said, it’s not a scary movie, it’s simply unnerving. Should a male director and writer be the one to tell this tale? Probably not. But it’s not wholly unredemptive. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first gave this film 3 pumpkins, but the more I think about it, the more it lingers. That counts for something. One more pumpkin to be exact.

Mimic - Without del Toro’s name attached, perhaps this movie wouldn’t be judged so harshly. Yet, though the shadowy, lingering shots he’s know for give a real sense of darkness to the picture, it’s a chore to sit through and is especially frustrating toward the end. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Mist - Watch the black and white version, which adds an ol’ timey feel to this Lovecraftian tale from Steven King and makes always-outdated CGI a bit more palpable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Monster (2016) - From The Strangers Bryan Bertino, this monster movie that ties in a trouble mother/daughter relationship doesn’t ever overcome its limitations and poor character decisions that get protagonists in deeper trouble. Zoe Kazan does what she can to carry the role. Not bad, but not much below the surface. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Monsters (2010) - A slow-burn that relies on its actors to push the suspense of a road-trip-style plot, leaving the special effects for subtle and beautiful moments. Arguably more of a sci-fi thriller than a true horror flick, it’s still worth viewing if you’re looking for something spooky. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

mother! - Like many of Aronosky’s films, mother! is difficult to define by genre. Though not a typical haunted house film, the bloody, unsettling aspects make it more than a typical psychological thriller. Haunting in a similar fashion of Black Swan, yet broader in theme like The Fountain, this movie is challenging, disturbing and frustrating in the sense that, as a mere viewer, you’re left feeling like there’s something you’ll never fully understand despite being beaten over the head. An not-so-subtle allegory about love, death, creation, mankind, god, and the brutality women must endure, it’s a hideous reminder that, upon even the briefest reflection, life’s cosmic journey is macabre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ms. 45 - Ahead of its time, especially considering the unfortunate “rape revenge” sub-genre that seemed to cater to male fantasy than female empowerment. Still, it’s slow build and random scenes toward the finale leave it wanting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Oh, the knife is a dick. I get it.

Murder Party - A bit like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, but for New York art kids. Even for being a horror comedy, there’s only like 20 minutes of horror, which is too bad as there’s material to mine instead of a prolonged rooftop chase scene. If this was a studio production, it’d probably just get 2 pumpkins, but given it’s $200k budget and at-the-time unknown cast, it’s a solid first feature for Jeremy Saulnier and Macon Blair, who went on to make some truly great films. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion - Flat out awful; neither a comedy nor a horror. Writer John Hughes claims he was fired from production, though that doesn’t hold much water considering he’s credited as “Girl with bag on head” and went on to write several other Lampoon movies. Director Michael Miller didn’t make another feature film for almost thirty years, which wasn’t long enough. 0 out of 5 pumpkins.

Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow‘s sophomore film is hampered by its ultimate ending, but the story is original and well produced. Even Bill Paxton’s over-the-top performance is enjoyable. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worst. Vampire. Ever.

The Neon Demon - A spiritual successor to Suspiria, this film from Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn is beautifully shot, but ultimately empty. While both Jena Malone and Keanu Reeves breathe life into their small roles, the cast of models rarely shine. The horrific ending goes a step too far without lingering long enough to truly shock. Though much better than the extremely similar Starry Eyes, it’s difficult to give this film a higher rating. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching for a couple standout scenes.

Night of the Living Dead - Viewed today the film seems almost tame, but in 1968 it was lambasted for being too gorey and sparked calls for censorship. And to its credit, there wasn’t anything else like it at the time. Romero’s incredibly small budget, Duane Jones‘s great performance, and the film’s unintended symbolism make its success all the more impressive. Kudos to MoMA and The Film Foundation for restoring this important piece of cinema history. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I argue this is a sci-fi film, if you think about it.

A Night to Dismember (The "Lost" Version) - This version appeared on YouTube in the summer of 2018, decades after it was originally filmed. The version that was released in 1989 on VHS, and later in 2001 on DVD, was entirely re-shot with adult film actress Samantha Fox after a disgruntled processing employee destroyed the original negatives. The re-shoot gave the released version of movie its “sexplotation” vibe that director Doris Wishman was know for producing, but he original version is more of a straight-forward psychotic slasher movie with only a scene of campy nudity and stars Diana Cummings, instead of Fox. Gone is the striptease, sex hallucinations, detective character, and asylum plot that were slapped together in the released version, leaving a still somewhat jumbled story of a young woman who goes on a killing spree after becoming possessed by her dead mother, who died in pregnancy, leaving her an orphan. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Poor Mary. Poor Vicki.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Why this movie sparked a generations-long series is almost as puzzling as how Children of the Corn pulled it off as well. The movie flat out ignores basic storytelling devices. Recalling the overall plot, you’re not even sure if the main character is better off alive or dead, given the horrifying reality she already exists within. Consider this: Her father is an authoritarian cop leading the world’s worse police force and her mother is a drunk, possessive vigilante arsonist. University doctors are so inept they focus solely on Colonial-era medicine to the point of ignoring a metaphysical phenomenon, believing teenage girls are attention-starved enough to smuggle hats embroidered with a dead child-killer’s name inside their vaginas to a sleep deprivation study. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. So much for the classics. At least this gave us the future gift of inspiring Home Alone-style defense antics.

Not of This Earth (1988) - This film, and I mean that artistically, was made because the director, Jim Wynorskin, bet he could remake the original on the same inflation-adjusted budget and schedule as the 1957 version by Roger Corman. Traci Lords makes her non-adult film debut and is a better actor than the rest of the cast combined. The gem isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so godawful it’s incredible. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I was looking for the trashiest horror movie on Netflix, and I believe I have found it.

One Cut of the Dead - Know as little as possible going into this one. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s impossible to not enjoy this film.

One Dark Night - Starts out interesting, but quickly gets forgetable even with the central location of a haunted cemetery. Worth putting on the background. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Aaaaaadddaaaammmm Weeeeessssst.

The Others - Well-paced, nicely shot, superior acting by Nicole Kidman, ominous tone through out, great ending. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. One of my personal favorites.

Pan's Labyrinth - del Torro’s best work, combining the tinges of war dread and the fantastical elements that would go on to be a key part of his other films. Pale Man is one of the creepiest monsters to ever be captured on screen. Perhaps the biggest horror is that though you’ll cheer for the anarchists, the historical fact is that the Nationalists won and established a dictatorship for nearly forty years. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. No god, no country, no master.

The People Under the Stairs - When the main character of a horror movie would be better placed in a zany after-school sitcom, the entire story is bound to fail. Little did I know how far. Twin Peaks actors aside, the rest of the this movie is so convoluted and poorly explained that it made me hate Panic Room somewhat less. They can't all be winners. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. At the end of this movie, a house explodes and money rains down on poor, mostly black people. Thanks, Wes Craven!

Pet Sematary (2019) - Uninspiring, uneven, and mostly uneventful. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Poltergeist - If you haven't seen this Steven Speilberg produced & written, but not directed horror movie, it's worth a modern viewing. Original, yet tinged with all the classic elements of fear, this movie manages to tug on the heartstrings like a family-friendly drama while still being creepy as hell. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The best, most expensive Holiday Inn commercial ever made.

Pontypool - Good, but not as great as hyped. Characters are introduced haphazardly and the explanation for the horror barely tries to make sense. Still, not bad for a movie with essentially three characters stuck in a single location. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Possession (1981) - Described by some die-hard horror fans as a “must see,” I guess I agree. It’s by no means a masterpiece, but it’s bizarre enough to take the time to check out. It’s a sort of Cold War psychological horror as if written by Clive Barker and directed by David Cronenberg. Of course that comparison is necessary for American readers, but Polish director Andrzej Żuławski is an art-house favorite, whose second film was banned by his home government, causing him to move to France. Often panned for “over acting,” Isabelle Adjani actually won best actress at Cannes in 1981. Though, you may find one particular scene as if Shelley Duvall is having a bad acid trip. Part of the appeal of seeing this film is the difficulty in finding a copy. The DVD is out of print, and the new Mondo Blu-ray is limited to 2,000 copies at $70 a piece. Good luck. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re looking for something weird and very European, seek it out.

Prometheus - Perhaps because Ridley Scott’s return the franchise was expected to be such a welcome refresher after the abysmal failures of others in the series, this one was a pretty big let down. Though there are some cool concepts and frightening scenes, there are anger-inducing plot mistakes and zero sympathetic characters. Michael Fassbender’s performance is terrific, yet not enjoy to be an enjoyable view. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Psycho - Not as great at The Birds, but still one of the best. The superb shots, painfully slow clean up of the first kill, it’s no wonder why the film is landmark for horror. Anthony Perkins is tremendous. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Remember when Gus Van Sant remade this shot-for-shot for literally no reason and lost $30 million? It’s like he has to make one really terrible bomb after each critical hit and then crawl back again.

Pumpkinhead - The production quality of this 80s horror flick is surprisingly high, especially the Henson-like monster. Long story short - asshole dude bro accidentally kills hick kid, hick father calls up demon to seek revenge. All in all, not a bad movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Given the title, the monster's head in this movie is shockingly not very pumpkin-like. Boo.

A Quiet Place - John Krasinski gets a lot of credit for playing a well-intentioned father, which is an easier bridge to his well-known character from The Office, rather than a military member, like in many of his other projects. Emily Blunt is wonderful as is Millicent Simmonds. The creatures are scary, reminiscent of The Demogorgon in Stranger Things, and the plot is decent, even without much of an ending. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to enjoy this film as much as I did. It seemed too “mainstream.” And, it is. But it’s also a well-executed, well-acted, well-produced product, which is much more difficult to pull off than it sounds. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth recommending to friends who aren’t even horror fans.

Rabid - No where near the level of Cronenberg’s best or even his subsequent film The Brood, but still very good. Apparently Cronenberg wanted Sissy Spacek to play the lead, but was shot down by the producers. Obviously Marilyn Chambers was selected to play up the porn star angle in the hopes of greater marketing for the indie, horror film out of Canada, but she does a great job in her first mainstream role. If you like any Cronenberg has done, you should watch this one. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Raw - A terrific coming-of-age, sexual-awakening, body-horror film that manages to retain its heart even as it pushes the limits. One of the best horror movies of the last decade. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Nom-nom.

Re-Animator - Creepy actor Jeffrey Combs is also in The Frighteners, which makes it a good nod in that flick. "Say hello to these, Michael!" When you see it, you'll get it. What can be said of this movie? It's crazy. It's great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Gory, campy, funny and scary all at once, a definite classic.

Ready or Not - I wouldn’t go so far as to call this movie “clever,” but it’s certainly better than its absurd premise. Samara Weaving’s performance is really the only thing that keeps people watching. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Killing all the attractive help is played off as a joke, but . . . it’s not? At least rich people die.

Repulsion - After having to listen to her sister being drilled by some limey prick night after night in their shared apartment and a series of unwanted street advances triggers her past trauma, a young woman rightfully kills a stalker turned home intruder and her rapist landlord. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Return of The Living Dead - This movie doesn’t give a wink and nod to horror tropes, it reaches out of the fourth wall to slap you in the face to create new ones. There’s an entire character that is just naked the whole movie. I understand that just because it’s a joke it doesn’t mean it’s not still sexist. But, also, you know, boobs. 4 out 5 pumpkins. What was created as camp became the foundation for modern zombies.

Return of the Living Dead III - A love story of sorts that takes a more series turn than the original. At first, I didn’t enjoy the uneven balance of camp and earnestness, but it oddly grows on you. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching to see what you think.

The Ritual - A Netflix original that is better than it needs to be about regret, trauma, and fear that gets right into the action and wraps fairly satisfying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Rosemary's Baby - If you're looking for a sure party killer this October, put on this number and watch your guests fall asleep! Often forgot, the beginning and end of Rosemary's Baby are terrifying, expertly filmed scenes of dread, but the middle is a two-hour wink to the film's conclusion revolving around an expectant mother. Still, few other films can capture fear the way Polanski's does; all the more impressive that it stands up today. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. If you haven't seen this film, you owe it to yourself to watch it this season.

Scanners - Cronenberg’s 1981 film feels like a much more successful version of what De Palma attempted with The Fury. Dark, paranoid, and ultra-gory in key scenes, Scanners isn’t quite the perfect sci-fi horror, but it’s damn close. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Scream - For a movie that birthed an annoying amount of sequels and spoofs, it's sort of sad that Wes Craven's meta-parody ended up creating a culture of the very movies he was trying to rail against. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching again, even if you saw it last year.

Sea Fever - A good, but not great, tense thriller on sea. Plus, an important lesson in quarantine. Ultimately, it doesn’t go far enough to present its horror. A well-made, and even well-paced film with a limited cast and sparse special effects, though. There’s nothing explicitly “wrong” as the movie progresses, but a tighter script and bigger ratcheting of the horror could have made it a classic. The ending is kinda cheesy the more I think about it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Could’ve used a sex scene with some impending doom is all I’m saying!

The Sentinel - I really wanted to love this one. Downstairs lesbians! Birthday parties for cats! Late 70s New York! Alas, its shaky plot and just baffling lack of appropriate cues make it mostly a jumbled mess only worth watching if that slow-burn 70s horror aesthetic is your thing. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shallows - Mostly a vehicle for Blake Lively’s launch from TV to the big screen, this movies isn’t particularly good or bad. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The shark has a powerful vendetta against Lively. What did she do?!

Shaun of the Dead - First in Three Flavours Cornetto, some of the jokes don’t land as well as they did in 2004, but still a great spin on the zombie genre with loads of laughs and a bit of heart. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shining - The pinnacle of the form. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. "So why don't you start now and get the fuck outta here!" Harsh, but come on, Wendy kinda sucks.

Shivers - Cronenberg’s 1975 shocker flick is . . . fine. You certainly get to see how some of his body horror themes started. Cronenberg himself seems to see it as more of a film to watch to understand what not to do as a young director. If you’re a completist, definitely check it out. Otherwise just skip to 1977′s Rabid, if you’re looking for Cronenberg’s earlier work. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Not bad considering it was shot in two weeks.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Whoo, boy. This one’s a ride. A decidedly anti-PC flick that caused calls for boycotts when it was first released, this movie is full of assault and uncomfortable situations. It’s also hilarious, gory, and worth watching in a large group. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Punish.

Sleepaway Camp - I must be missing something, because like Children of the Corn, I can’t understand why this movie became a cult-classic. A guy who openly talks about wanting to rape children is gruesomely maimed, so there’s that? I guess. A couple of these “kids” are definitely 34, while others are 14. Is this the basis for Wet Hot American Summer? I don’t know or care. 2 out 5 pumpkins. Just watch Friday the 13th.

Slither - Almost on the level of other spoofs, but with a few groan-worthy moments. Definitely one to watch if looking for something fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not for the bug fearing.

The Slumber Party Massacre - Rita Mae Brown wrote this movie as a parody of the slasher genre that spawned so many Halloween copycats. It’s a bit unfortunate that we didn’t get her version. Author of pioneering lesbian novel Rubyfruit Jungle, Brown’s script was turned into a more straight-forward flick, giving the movie some baffling humor, like when one of the girls decides to eat the pizza from the dead delivery boy, and some untended humor, like the Sylvester Stallone issue of Playgirl. Lesbians undertones still prevail, as do lingering shots of gratuitous nudity, and enough phallic symbolism to write a paper about. All in all, a fun, albeit uneven movie with pretty decent dialogue. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: Director Amy Holden Jones got her start as an assistant on Taxi Driver, passed on editing E.T. after Roger Corman offered to finance early filming for her directorial debut, and later went on to write Mystic Pizza, Beethoven, Indecent Proposal, and The Relic. Bonus fact: Playgirl was able to get nude photos of Stallone based on his first movie The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (aka The Italian Stallion), for which Stallone was reportedly paid $200 to star in during a period in his life when he was desperate and sleeping in a New York bus station.

The Slumber Party Massacre II - If the first movie was a knock-off of Halloween, this is a bizarre rip-off of The Nightmare on Elm Street with a rockabilly twist. It’s hard to tell if this is a parody or a sort of musical vehicle for the Driller Killer, who—to his credit—is somehow almost charismatic enough to it pull off. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Somehow the weirdest movie I’ve ever watched.

The Slumber Party Massacre III - A return to form, in some respects. All the elements of the original are there: a slumber party, gratuitous nudity, a drill. But the driller killer’s poor-man’s Patrick Bateman character quickly becomes tired. Not terrible for a slasher flick, but not very good either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. How many lamps to the head can Ken take?

Species - If I asked you to name a movie staring Sir Benjamin Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker and Michelle Williams, would you guess Species? No, no you fucking wouldn't. We all know Species, but I, like most, erased it from my memory. This was helpful for two reasons: first because for about the first half of the movie, you think there might be a decent flick happening - baring some obvious flaws of a blockbuster. Second because - holy shit - you get to see a ton of naked breasts in this movie, like way more than I remember. Unfortunately, about halfway through Species someone must have come in and realized having the B-squad Scully & Mulder be one step behind every instinct killing was boring as shit, and flashing tits every 20 mins wasn't going to hack it. Whatever Hollywood dickbag crafted this turd failed to realize the casting of the actor forever known as Bud from Kill Bill is the only white, macho-postering character that morons want to root for. And so we get a squint-faced protagonist getting blow jobs from a coworker scientist and an ending dumber than the boob tentacles he should have been strangled with. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There are worse horror movies, but there are also much better ones.

Starry Eyes - A thinly-veiled critique on Hollywood’s abusive history with actresses, the movie starts out well, but lags in the third act before a gruesome finale. Sort of a low-rent Mulholland Drive. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out for that barbell, Ashley.

The Stuff - Odd, mostly because of its uneven tone. Like if The Blob, The Live, and Canadian Bacon raised a baby and that disappointed its parents, like all babies eventually do. There are some good horror and comedic moments, but none of which make it great. The sound editing is remarkably bad, and the poor cuts make no sense given its scope. Oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Suspiria - More of a focus on set, sound, and color than characters, Suspiria is reminiscent of the Japanese classic House, but with a more straightforward story. The Italian director, English language, and German setting make for an interesting, offbeat feel that adds to the overall weirdness of the movie. One cringe worthy scene in particular makes up for its immediate lack of logic, and the soundtrack by Goblin stands up on its own. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sexist note: there’s a shocking lack of boobs given the subject matter.

Suspiria (2018) - Another in a long line of unnecessary remakes, though technically more of an homage. Luca Guadagnino’s version was supposedly developed for years alongside Tilda Swinton, who plays three different characters. Truthfully, without any attachment to the original, this could have been a muddled, but remarkable film. Thom Yorke’s score is perfect in certain scenes, yet detracting in others. The plot is similar in this manner. Some scenes are haunting and dense, but others needlessly detailed. The dance scenes are terrific, but weighed down by the larger war themes. The ending’s gore-fest is hampered by too much CGI, but still demonically fun. Fans of the original won’t find the weird, colorful elements to love, but it’s a good movie, albeit thirty minutes too long. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Good premise; found footage in the vein of Blair Witch Project of a demon possession disguised as Alzheimer’s disease. But, the movie can’t decide if it wants to stick to its foundation of a student documentary or veer into the studio-style editing and affects of theatrical release. Which is unfortunate as the former would have made it stand-out among a pack of mediocre ghost stories, while the later distracts from the setting it seeks to establish. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Teeth - A movie about the myth of vagina dentata could have been absolutely deplorable, but with the bar so low, Teeth does a pretty good job. Jess Weixler is a functional actress, not necessarily stand-out, but certainly far better than the role requires. Trying to tightrope walk between comedy and horror is never a task a creator should set out upon without a clear vision. Unfortunately, this one seems a bit blurry. One its release, Boston Globe said the movie “runs on a kind of angry distrust toward boys.” Not bad advice. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Terrifier - Do you want to see a naked woman hung upside down and sawed from gash to forehead? Then this is the movie for you. That’s it. There’s not much else here. Gino Cafarelli is good as the pizza guy. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The clown is scary, though.

The Terror - A classic haunted throwback from Roger Corman, but without the nudity and gore his later work is infamous for. A young Jack Nicholson proves he was always kind of a prick. Boris Karloff does his best. The plot is pretty boring, but it’s a decent movie that you might stumble upon on a lazy afternoon on cable TV. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Tobe Hooper’s 1974 persuasive argument for vegetarianism is just as terrifying today as it was when it was released. Just as Halloween launched a thousand imitators, the hues and low angles in this film set the standard for horror for years and, unfortunately, laid the groundwork for more exploitative movies offered referred to as “torture porn.” Though gory, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s sense of weird dread is established well before the chainsaw rips, and though many have tried to follow in its footsteps, none have captured the lighting that adds to the overall queasy moments of the film. There’s a kind of simplistic beauty to such unexplained brutality, and perhaps because it was first, all others since haven’t seemed as artistically valuable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. So, umm, what do you think happened to the Black Maria truck driver?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - The only decent carry over from this remake is John Larroquette as the narrator. Over-washed tones, over-the-top gore and unsympathetic characters make this film more than unnecessary, placing among the worst horror remakes of all time. Robert Ebert gave it one of his rare 0 stars, reserved for works he found genuinely appalling such as I Spit On Your Grave, The Human Centipede 2, and most infamously John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

They Live - “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… And I'm all out of bubblegum." 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Thing - Trying to give this film an honest review is almost impossible. Cast out on its release for being too bizarre and gory, Carpenter’s nihilist tale has since come to be seen as a masterpiece for its special effects, bleak tone, and lasting impact on other creators. Is it perfect? No, but it’s damn close. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. MacReady’s assimilated. Deal with it.

Train to Busan - A bit too predictable, but a solid, well-paced zombie action flick that’s smarter than most American blockbusters from Korean director Yeon Sang-ho, who is better known for his semi-autobiographical animated features. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - I really didn't expect much out of this movie, but it's actually really, really funny and a really gory spoof. Not quite on the scale of The Cabin in the Woods, but still pretty damn great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you don't think people getting hacked up by a chainsaw in certain contexts can be funny, then this probably ain't your bag.

Twins of Evil - An enjoyable, somewhat smutty vampire movie from the famous British studio Hammer Films, staring Peter Cushing and Playboy Playmates the Collinson twins. Directed by John Hough, who also directed The Legend of Hell House, the film doesn’t break any new ground and is loaded with over-acting, but it’s well-paced, wonderfully set, and generally fun to watch, where the Puritan witchfinders are just as horrible as the vampires. Not as great as Black Sunday, but still worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Let Joachim speak, you racists.

Under the Skin - Mesmerizing and haunting. The less you know going into this film the better. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Quite possibly Scarlett Johansson’s best work.

Under the Silver Lake - Technically a “comedic neo-noir,” whatever the fuck that means; in any case David Robert Mitchell (It Follows) tries to do too much over too long of a run time. Andrew Garfield gives a decent performance, especially considering he’s in almost every frame of the film. But the edge-of-subtly that made It Follows so modern and terrifying is replaced by a silk, wandering, and heavy-handed stroll through the powerful Los Angeles entertainment Illuminati. Certainly there’s material there, but instead of being a radical stab at the very real institutions of pop-culture that treat young women as nothing more than disposable meat, we drift in and out of a young man’s lust that revels in objectification without the sleazy charm of exploitation flicks or the critical eye of outright satire. Even the eerily presence of the Owl Woman can’t level-up what is an exercise in arrested development for hipsters. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Despite this negative review, Mitchell still has plenty of potential to make another great film. Whether he deserves that chance is different question.

Us - Jordan Peele’s second film is even better than his great debut. Us isn’t perfect, but hints at what Peele could create in the future. Unnecessary explanation and slightly oddly timed humor are present, like in Get Out, but more restrained. Peele’s talent for making modern horror accessible to the widest audience is laudable. Still, I can’t wait to see what he makes two or three films down the road. I suspect more than one could come close to equaling that of Kubrik’s The Shinning. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampire’s Kiss - Is it a horror? Is it a comedy? Is it a parody? Drama? This movie truly defies genre due to the inexplicable acting choices made by Nicholas Cage. His odd affectation doesn’t change from sentence to sentence, but word to word. It’s like he’s trying to play three different characters across three different acts all at once. Is it good? Not really. But, I mean, see it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampyros Lesbos - After vigorous encouragement from my academic colleagues, I decided to watch this 1971 Spanish-German film for, umm, science. Shot in Turkey and staring the tragic Soledad Miranda, Jesús Franco’s softcore horror jumps right into full-frontal nudity and attempts a sort of story involving Count Dracula that moves forward through uninteresting monologues and shaky camera work. It’s not awful, but there’s no reason to watch it. If it was playing in the background at a dive bar, it might have a tinge of charm. Other than some close moments of near-unapologetic queer sex, despite being created almost entirely for the male gaze, it’s just another in the pile of European exploitation. Still, it’s fun to daydream about Istanbul being ruled by a dark-haired demonic lesbian; beats the hell out of what we have in our reality. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The soundtrack found renewed fame in 1990′s Britain, causing it to finally find distribution into America.

The Vault - A serviceable, but ultimately boring horror take on a bank heist that tries to hard to end with a twist. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

V/H/S - Every review I've seen for this movie is generally positive, but that only reaffirms my belief that most people are easily pleased by unintelligent, unoriginal bullshit. A Blair Witch-style story-within-a-story collection of shorts, I couldn't get past the first borderline date-rape, little-girl, sexually confused, monster story. Fuck this trope. Fuck this movie. The much delayed glorification of grisly murder of the offending male villains is hardly radical and only further supports the stereotypes of patriarchy much as it attempts to subvert a worn genre. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. I hate the world.

Videodrome - Cronenberg’s best film. James Woods’s best role; it’s a shame that he’s total piece of shit in real life. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Long live the new flesh.

The Wailing - Despite clocking in at over two and half hours, this part zombie/part demon horror movie from Korean director Na Hong-jin isn’t a slow burn, but rather an intriguing maze of twists and turns as the main character (and audience) struggles to find the truth about a mysterious, murderous diseases sweeping through a small village. Actor Do-won Kwak gives an especially captivating performance. Though the ending packs a powerful punch, the overlapping lies and half-truths told over the course of the film makes it a bit difficult to suss out the evil roots. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

We Are Still Here - What sets out as a slowly paced ghost story turns into something of a gore-fest towards the ends, which doesn’t make it bad so much out of place. 3 out fo 5 pumpkins. Could’ve been a contender.

We Are What We Are - A remake of Jorge Michel Grau’s 2010 film, the American version takes its time getting to the horror before going a step too far at the end. Still, the ever-present knowledge that you’re watching a cannibal film makes some of predictable moments all-the-more horrifying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare - The novel charm of Craven’s meta Freddy saga has worn with age. Heather Langernkamp is passable, but not enough to carry the film and Robert Englund out of makeup shatters the pure evil illusion of his character. Interesting to see some of the ideas that would later synthesize in Scream, but otherwise kind of a bore. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Witch: A New-England Folktale - A deeply unsettling period-piece that reflects on American religion and its violent fear of feminine power. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Trust no goat.

The Witches - Roald Dahl’s story is ultimately crushed by a changed ending, however, Nicolas Roeg‘s adaptation up to that point is a fun, creepy movie people of any age can enjoy. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s really a shame the original ending was changed.

Wolfcop - When a movie’s title promises so much, maybe it’s not fair to judge. But there’s so much campy potential in a werewolf cop picture that it’s kind of a bummer to see it executed at level that makes you wonder if it wasn’t made by high school kids whose favorite movie is Super Troopers. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. God, the movie’s horrible.

The World’s End - The final chapter in the Three Flavours Cornetto and the best, showcasing a wealth of talent at the top of their game. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

XX - Admittedly, I don’t care much for the recent spring of short horror anthologies. Rarely do they have enough time to build the necessary suspense horror movies require. Still, two of the shorts are OK, one is pretty good, and one is bad. So, not a total loss. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

You’re Next - Home-invasion horror as never been my cup of hippie tea as it feeds into the 2nd Amendment hero fantasy of American males. That said, this dark-comedy take on it isn't bad. Some things don’t really add up. For example: Are you telling me that the deep woods home of a former defense corporation employee doesn’t have a single gun stashed somewhere? Bullshit. Anyway, who doesn’t want to see a rich family’s bickering dinner interrupted by a gang of psycho killers? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus rating: 6 out of 10 would fuck in front of their dead mother. (Sorry, mom.)

Zombeavers - No one would say this is a good movie, but it also doesn’t take itself too seriously. Not at funny as Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and certainly more formulaic, this one’s only worth watching if you’re bored. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Zombi 2 - Lucio Fulci’s unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead is one of his best films. But even though Fulci crafted some of the best zombies to ever appear on screen—filmed in the bright, Caribbean sun, the film suffers, as most of his do, from some unnecessary, borderline confusing plot points and poor dubbing. Still, well worth watching on a lazy day, especially for the final act, when the protaganists fight off a zombie hoard inside a burning church. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: topless scuba diving zombie shark fight, which is also my new DJ name.

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