#i dont do anything i just sit there watching youtube videos alone in my room w the lights off | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ohmyamor · 5 months

Text

ateez as college bfs during finals

it's my finals week and head hurty but crazy form good hnngjdnjgnjdf

hongjoong

will help you study but only if you bribe him a little

it's not that he wants to see you fail

he definitely does not want that

but at the same time

you would most likely do just fine studying on your own

he has a sneaking suspicion you just want to bother him

it's not until you bring out the "I'll do whatever you want for the next two weeks" that he's quick to agree

would he use this promise to his advantage? absolutely

hongjoong would help you study but then once you pass (you'd definitely pass with his help), he'd be quick to make you buy him food or pass him the blanket that is literal inches away from him

if you want to pass, you could also guilt trip him into helping you study by saying you'll just go to your TA

who's a man..

your same age...

hongjoong is real quick to whip out the flash cards after that

unless you give him a hard time, then he'll personally take you to the TA's room himself

7/10- would help you study but is all the work he would make you do after worth it?

debatable

seonghwa

absolute king

would drop everything to help you in the blink of an eye

he's got the studying playlists on youtube

anything you want to listen to, he's got it

lofi? yup. asmr? check. dark academia aesthetic? absolutely

color coded notes, flashcards, practice quizzes up and running

can seem a bit overwhelming at first but seonghwa gives me the vibes that he would just know you so well

and therefore he would know what type of studying or work environment you thrive in

and you're his baby, he wants to see you succeed :((

if you ever get frustrated or overwhelmed, seonghwa would 100% have your favorite drink and snack ready

some coffee to stay awake? whatever u need, some tea to relax? bet, he's got the honey and everything

your number 1 hype man frfr

10/10 need him in my life

yunho

honestly, also really good to have around during finals

strikes me as the type of bf to kind of sit with you and also silently work alongside you so you don't feel lonely

does that thing when you're writing a paper or smth and you look up to think of the word you want to use and the two of you make eye contact and he'll send you a wink and a big smile

little motivations yaknow

would also definitely use the pomodoro method

has a timer on his phone for every 45 minutes and when the time is up he'll gently shut your computer and grab your hands and just chat

would be the best person to bounce ideas of off

"yuyu, should I say this or this?"

and he would give genuine feedback

if you need help studying for an exam, yunho might not know all the answers but you can bet he would be right there with you watching videos of people working out the problems

gives you little high fives when you both get it

9/10 might get occasionally distracted by his beautiful blinding smiles but honestly a pretty solid study partner

yeosang

mans is just there to vibe and honestly same

i dont wanna say he has absolutely no clue what's going on

because he does listen to you and he does pay attention when you talk about your classes

but at the same time, he doesn't really give me the vibes he would be as great at studying as some of the others

more there for moral and emotional support than anything

might feel bad he can't be of more help so he tries his best to listen to your lectures if you're at home, but man, it sounds like a different language somebody save him

would definitely make sure you're eating and resting well though

"sweetheart I think it's time to take a break"

"yeosang I just need to finish a few more problems :("

"you can do it after you eat something, it'll be easier to finish with a clear head and a full tummy"

crying screaming throwing up

would otherwise leave you to your devices tbh

doesn't want to distract you but also doesn't want you to be completely alone in case you forget to take care of yourself

8/10 man is doing his absolute best and we love him for it

san

honestly this could go one of two ways

he could either be the most serious, hella studious mf you've ever met

or he could be the most unserious, menacing bitch you've ever met

it all depends on his mood

serious san is in the mf ZONE

he's got the glasses on, he has his notes out, comfy sweater and gray sweats ON

ready to give you a mom look every time you get distracted

at one point you'd probably try to play footsies with him and he just kinda stares at you over the top of his glasses with one eyebrow raised and you just slowly return your gaze to your work

that being said

glasses ON, sweats ON, absolute fucking menace

teasing you fs

maybe not even like in a sexual manner, just tickling you and cracking stupid jokes because he wants your attention

WILL kiss your neck and tell you "you're so smart baby, you're going to pass no matter what"

your will power needs to be better than the lords because LORD

what san wants, san gets that's all imma say

5/10 you don't know what you're gonna get and it's scary

mingi

im tired of the mingi is dumb allegations

mans is smart as hell, not only in math but also the amount of lyrics and songs he helps to produce??

studious mingi is one hell of a study partner

it might be a little bit of a learning curve at first, especially if you're the type of person to want to chat or bounce your ideas off of someone while you're working

mingi gives me the vibes that he would be dead serious and focused while working

so it might be a little intimidating at first

you look up to ask a question and he's sitting there, eyebrows furrowed and fingers flying across the keyboard

and you're like damn i don't want to disturb him so you swallow your question and move your eyes back to your work

but mingi is also very observant, so he definitely notices that

"what's up baby?"

"mmmm nothing" you mumble, trying to figure out this particular problem

he'll shut his laptop off and scoot closer to you

wordlessly helps you figure out whatever it is you're working on before giving you a small kiss to your forehead and moving on

8/10 he can be the stem major to my humanities major

wooyoung

let's be fr, not the best study partner you could ask for

love wooyoung with all my heart but mans gets distracted easy as hell

has probably tried the pomodoro method but it just doesn't work for him

sitting for longer periods of times just makes him antsy yk

i get the feeling he'd be the type of person to get one of those moving desks that goes up and down and then puts a treadmill or smth under it because he needs to be moving or else he'll get very distracted

do NOT take this man to a cafe to work, he will do everything but study

especially with the people watching

"babe look at that guy over there, his shoelace is untied"

"that girl's shirt tag is sticking out, should I say something"

"the barista spilled that woman's drink"

if you're okay with background noise, it probably wouldn't be too bad....

until he starts wanting attention and now he's playing footsies with YOU

"woo, babe, I really need to finish this, it's due tomorrow"

"so you don't love me is what you're saying"

and now two hours have passed and you only have half of an assignment done

will buy you food and/or coffee to make up for it

"sorry for distracting you, you don't need a degree, your ass is great"

3/10

jongho

scary

scary studying man

has everything organized to a T, do NOT touch his notes unless you're okay with dealing with the 3 days of silent treatment afterwards

im jk

maybe...

no but fr, jongho takes studying seriously

if you ask him for help, he would probably be the best bet besides seonghwa or yunho

but this shit is like boot camp, okay? so be prepared

no fooling around on jongho's watch

you want to pass, guess what baby, you're gonna PASS

does that thing where if you're not getting something, he might not explain it to you, just re-asks the question louder

"what's 3 + 4?"

"6"

*sighs* "WHAT'S 3 + 4?!"

or might just stare at you blankly when you try to joke around

mans acts like he's training future CIA members or something

once you do finish studying he's back to regularly scheduled bear bf but studying??

only for the strongest soldiers

6/10

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

225 notes · View notes

homesickhalfling · 3 years

Text

I watched Bo's new special Inside today.

#spoilers #Inside #boburnham #howthefuckdoiputthisunderacutidontwannaruinpeoplesfeedswiththiscrap #idontknowhowhashtagswork

---

I felt anxiety before I watched it, almost like I knew it was going to hurt me.

And it did.

About halfway through i realized I had spent a lot of it literally hugging myself.

I sobbed after it was done. Sobbed.

Then I spent half an hour in the fetal position in silence in my room wondering what I was supposed to do now.

He articulated everything I had been feeling but running from for the past few years because I didn't want to acknowledge it or know how to say it, let alone fix it. ("There's that feeling again")

He proved that I was right when I had guessed that making this special would be a difficult regression for him and not good for his mental health. That he'd start questioning his life and his career.

It was hard to watch someone essentially record themselves having a breakdown over the course of a year. Even when he was trying to make me laugh I felt bad for doing it... yet I still laughed.

I feel partially responsible for his mental state. I participated. We all did. We gave him the likes, the views, the follows, the ticket sales. He was a child star and it fucked him up. There's a moment where he's sitting there watching one of his early YouTube videos and I just felt such pain for him. How horrible it must feel to live in the spotlight and be expected to make others happy ("dance you fucking monkey/ watch the skinny kid with the steadily declining mental health as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself") and no one deserves to live their lives in that state.

He pointed out so expertly how the internet has spun wildly out of control and technology is too accessible and is ruining society. How everyone has to broadcast themselves and their opinions all the time. How kids grow up attached to tech that is rewiring their brains and development.

It was hard to watch. Of course he was funny, he made silly jokes and did silly dances and made fun of people and himself in poignant and catchy ways as he always does... but at the core of it all was this struggle of trying to make sense of a world that doesnt make any fucking sense. That is harmful in almost every way. And not wanting to participate in it anymore but having no way out.

He talked about wanting to kill himself, but not kill himself. I know that exact feeling. I have been saying it for months (maybe not out loud cause I don't want to alarm anyone but...) some days I just dont want to exist.

He talked about his anxiety, about feeling agoraphobia, about how the outside world is like a coal mine. And it's a perfect analogy.

He sang "congratulations" to Bezos. How many times have I said that exsxt thing to people? I say "Congratulations you won capitalism, good for you, now give us all your money."

He filmed himself turning 30. I turn 30 this year. It looked exactly how it feels. Scary. Lonely. Disappointing.

The ending hurt too. Its too real, too "meta". It's unavoidable and hurts to think about: He's come outside and "reentered" but all we are going to do is put him in the spotlight and laugh as he struggles with wanting anything but that. And yet he's releasing this fucking masterpiece... and like... are we not supposed to applaud him for it? It feels like a trap. Which I guess is exactly how he feels. Which just makes me appreciate his genius that much more for being able to convey that so perfectly.

He made me question everything (including my white woman instagram) because of course... what was I gonna do the second I finished watching? Post my opinion about it on social media. Like he said we all do. Like he asked us not to do. He's absolutely right that it's a pointless and empty validation thing that we all do and can't stop doing... and why? What purpose does it serve? ("Just perform for each other, all the time, for no reason")

I just kinda want to crawl in a hole and not participate in society. You know, like how I have always felt. Like my anxiety and depression have been telling me to do for years. That feeling I have to shove down every single morning before I get dressed and go to work. Pay bills. Socialize.

I dont know what to do now. I understand him not wanting to finish the special... because... then what? Just carry on like nothing happened? Go back to "normal"? Or go back to our isolation and wonder if/when things will ever get better for any of us?

Anyway... all of that being said... I think it's an important look in the mirror at where our society stands and what we have become. I think it's exactly what the world needs to hear right now even though it's hard. ("Look into my eyes don't shy away"). Bo is our mirror. A tortured, twisted, broken mirror for our tortured, twisted, and broken society.

And here I am... giving out my opinion that no one asked for or needed or cares about. Like the fucking hypocrite I am.

#inside #bo burnham

893 notes · View notes

yaomomvs · 3 years

Text

TAKE OUR HAND

seijoh x manager!reader

in which aoba johsai vbc just wants you to take their hand, just as the many times they have reached for yours when they needed it

pls i’m sorry i just wrote this for comfort, in having a terrible week and so, i just really need my seijoh boys to comfort me even if it’s just in my head and just so you know, and as i’ve been trying to convince myself, things always get better

tuesday, [15:56 pm]

“nice kill yahaba senpai!” kindaichi congratulates his upperclassman.

his voice makes you react, it scared you. still holding your pen and the notebook you always carry around even on normal practice days, your hand threatens you in the most scary way possible.

fuck no, just... breathe.

you are quick to leave aside the notes, and so, you look around to the boys, who just after the coach’s whistle sounds they are quick to approach your spot.

you take the water bottles as quickly as you can.

“oh y/n-san, i know we are irresistible but you can’t just slack off admiring us!” makki teases you laughing.

“if our dear manager is admiring someone is obviously me” oikawa says, before taking a sip of his bottle, slightly making you blush even more.

“i don’t think she likes idiots who still watch youtube conspiracy videos at 3am”

“iwa!”

“weren’t you the one with a secret obsession for romance manga, iwaizumi?” it’s mattsun time to expose his friend. iwai mi doesn’t hesitate and he runs directly to matsukawa, while kunimi brings out his phone to start recording the chaos in the gym.

you don’t listen.

your head hurts, and then, you once again feel this weird thing in you stomach. you have been feeling like this for the past week, and you try to ignore it . but sometimes, you just want the world to stop.

you can’-

“y/n senpai?” watari calls your name, and you notice his furrowed brows looking at you, worried. you blink and correct your posture. you had just zooned out. “is everything ok?”

“ah yes watari kun!” you force your self to sound relaxed because you feel the sudden gaze of the entire team “i was just thinking in a smart way to insult oikawa, but i’m worried he won’t understand tho”

“hey! you said i was your favorite”

you fake laugh once again assuring everyone that you were just fine. the day goes on, and somehow is becomes more difficult to just stay down not worrying about anything.

and they notice.

you don’t walk home with the guys today. instead you run to the bus not before excusing yourself with an ‘urgent family thing’

“just please don’t let makki eat so much ramen today!” you giggle as you run to the bus “i’m not in the mood to dealing with diarrea!”

“that was a secret between us darling!” the pink haired guy screams cheeks blushing.

and maybe you were just too distracted, but before you face them away some of them notice how quick your smile fades.

“you know guys” yahaba is quick to say “call me crazy but, why did she lie?”

—

wednesday, [10:22 am]

when was the last time you actually enjoyed school? not practice, but school itself. seeing numbers everyday in the board that you don’t understand is frustrating. your throat hurts, there’s has been a not there since the begging of the day.

swallow it, y/n, dammit

you decided to take this class, don’t blame the world, blame yourself. isn’t it supposed to be simple? why isn’t it being simple? is that...

"Square root of 57 is equal to Xo, miss"

"alright!"

it is not like it’s a race, you want to say. why was the teacher obsessed with speed?, it’s unfair. your time is not the same as that of others.

you drop the pencil and you recline in your chair, why couldn’t you do operations and analysis as fast as they could? you take a look around and the eyes of others look frightening. you see ambition, you see security, you see admiration.

the bell rings and you just want to run, and well in a way you end up doing it. leaving your homeroom, you tell your friends that for today you want to be alone, the halls of aoba johsai are big, for your fortune or misfortune. you go to the vending machine and when your drink falls, the minimum noise makes you startle, lately it’s like that, small noises or actions affect you way too much.

and iwaizumi notices it.

you don’t make a single move, it’s just the cold drink resting on your hands. and before iwaizumi could stop mattsun, he was already putting his hand on your shoulder.

“y/n!”

the orange juice spills and once again fear takes hold of you.

you see them both, you’re not stupid and you know hajime stares at you weirdly, and now mattsun, you hide your fear it a bit worse than yesterday, but you do anyways.

"someday, Matsukawa-san, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL ME! and what will you do without me?" you try to say cheerful, wanting to take away the suspicion, for a moment it works.

"flunk history, that leads me to..."

"no, sweeheart, i won’t give you my homework"

you walk and both guys follow you, one faster than another, very naive of the situation. "I begin to believe you hate me," says Mattsun, as the three sit on a bench near the school cafeteria casually encountering kunimi who quickly joins you, patting the folds of your skirt as you sit down, you rest on the table and admire his needy expression and as the tantrum of mattsun grows.

minutes go by, your chest pain grows, but somehow you know how to let it go.

with your hands supporting your face, lunch passes between you and kunimi, you try to talk, you really try.

but still, your eyes just glow, and kunimi notices how it’s not the glow you always have.

—

thursday [12:03]

your head is spinning, you can feel the cold sweat. will this be the time? why do you feel so small? why can’t you say it?

it’s familiar, you recognize this feeling, an ocean, you’re floating, you know you can swim, but, you’re in the middle of nowhere, you look down. Out of nowhere the intimidating depth of the ocean is beneath you. And then, you sink. You feel like you’re drowning, you feel like you’re fighting the tide, but you just can’t do it.

i just need...

no, it’s not time yet, it’s still training. the boys... you’re the one who should take care of them, you’re the one who has to be be fine. they had no time to lose, they had a goal and for the moment that was the most important thing.

On that bench, your gaze is absent, you know it is so.

and through the window that overlooks your classroom, oikawa notices it too

“y/n...” he mumbled.

of course he’d noticed. at first it was not so clear, but now he remembers.

when kindaichi pinned your dark circles to him, while admiring you by fitting volleyballs in a way not of your own.

makki watches oikawa from your side, you don’t even know the pink-haired guy is there, unaware that he’s sitting next to you. but he notices. he’s been noticing for days that your eyes are threatening to close in the middle of class.

hanamaki catches your attention and instantly that mask you’ve been wearing for weeks appears again.

"hanamaki, i’m fine"

it doesn’t convince them. they both look out the window and nod.

oikawa notices, and god, he wished he had no reason to.

—

friday [14:00 pm]

breathe.

please just... breathe.

you’re fed up. the feeling of guilt and discomfort is still there, can’t you be calm? people don’t need to know, but why do you want to shout it?

the dressing room is alone, the girls from the soccer team are out and it’s your only chance.

the team needs you, hold on a little.

your footsteps are heard in the hallway once again, a symphony you’re tired of listening to.

your chest hurts, your heart is aching, but you just need a little more. hands are shaking, the cold in your body, you need to stop.

you have to make them stop.

but when you walk into the gym, even with your eyes down, all you feel is warm. and it’s because, the boys were standing, aligned begging for you.

no, they beg for your sake.

and everything stops.

one hand from him on your neck, and one hand around your shoulders.

because oikawa, without warning, now has you in his arms.

and then, only then, you break.

tears don’t take long to come out, along with desperate sobs. your legs fail and out of nowhere, you and oikawa are on your knees.

with an alarmed look, the whole club runs towards both, surrounding you as sensibly as possible.

"i’m sorry, i’m sorry I’M SORRY" is heard from you, between hiccups.

“love, listen...” iwaizumi approaches you,somehow he managed to catch up with you, somehow he managed to hold your hand.

"i promise i didn’t want to, but i can’t, i can’t anymore, why can’t i? i try and i try and i keep trying but it’s never enough! IM TIRED OF SEEING SOMETHING AND NOT BEING ABLE TO PROCESS IT LIKE THE OTHERS. I’M TIREDD OF NEVER FULFILLING WHAT I SHOULD”

yahaba’s heart aches, and just as most of the team, is shocked.

your hands, oh your adorable hands, those hands that bandage his in the middle of an important game, he sees them shaking horribly between iwaizumi’s.

“AND I’M SCARED, WHAT IF I LOSE YOU BECAUSE OF THAT BECAUSE OF ME? BECAUSE OF HOW I AM I-“

watari is quick to place your hair gently behind your ear, a kunimi covers you with his jacket.

“I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I DONT RECOGNIZE MYSELF” you lower your voice, its cracked now “oikawa I don’t recognize myself, I want to be me again" you whisper, and a knot appears in the captain’s throat, and he puts a hand on your cheek "please... just let me be me again" your throat burns, your eyes get redder.

the gym goes silent, your words still echoing in everyone’s head.

“why didn’t you-“

“i just couldn’t” you blame yourself cutting oikawa off “look at us! we are waisting time on me when we should be- i’m the one who has to- im you support not-“

“hey hey, love...” iwaizumi whispers his voice is filled with sweetness, letting you sit correctly and softly rubbing his thumb in your hands “how many times have you been there for us? y/n your hand is always there”

“that’s true” kyotani says, finally saying something, emotions overwhelmed him a lot, but he genuinely wanted to help you.

“there’s something about you, there’s light” kindaichi follows up.

“no matter where, or how bad we are, somehow you always are helping us stand up” mattsun also tries to carefully approach you, he wants nothing more for you to feel safe.

and oikawa’s arms were still around you. he never stopped.

“we have reached your hand so many times, so now it’s time for you to please take ours” oikawa holds you face, and you see the sincerity and kindness behind his brown eyes, it feels like home.

mattsun does a sign asking the coach for a day off, both of them smile tenderly at you and give the green flag. iwa and makki are next to hold you carefully helping you stand up. they help you stop shaking but it’s mad dog the one who wipes your tears away with a tissue watari handled him. still not knowing if he did it the right way. you still feel kunimi’s scent. you still see kindaichi holding your school bag making sure nothing is missing. yahaba is the one bringing you water. and oikawa still refuses to let you go.

all of them feel like home.

“thank you”

and that’s how you know everything is going to feel fine.

because this club was yours and you were theirs.

this was home.

1K notes · View notes

sogasogaso · 6 years

Text

ok not to be depressing but november has been the worst month for my mental health

#i dont eat anymore :/// i just dont get hungry #my physical health has gone to shit too like showers who? i dont know her #my grades are slippin and its hard to focus and i jsut dont fuckin do ANYTHING #its been anxiety and crying ot of nowhere #my english and chem teachers started noticing ts that bad #ive been in this depressive episode for three weeks and i! want! out #my friends are all so supportive n im so thankful for them but i keep pushing them away and bringing down the mood and i HATE MYSELF #and im p sure theyre worried about me and i cant even assure them that its ok because its really not #either that or they think im annoying and theyre getting fed up w me #im such a mess #i dont do anything i just sit there watching youtube videos alone in my room w the lights off #i genuinely want to die #soga says

1 note · View note

dreamescapeswriting · 4 years

Text

BTS Reaction | Boyfriend Tag [Request]

Seokjin:

You couldn't even remember how this all started but you were sitting across from Jin during a VLive eating noodles while he was asking you questions about himself to see how well you knew him. Army was going insane for it because you'd been together for so long they wanted to see if you really knew Jin,

"Which university did I go to?" He asked right as you took a mouthful of noodles into your mouth, you swallowed them and wiped your mouth staring at him,

"Easy, Konkuk University and then Hanyang Cyber University." You smirked at him as he ticked off that you'd gotten another one right that he had written down,

"Next one." You giggled looking at him as he frowned, you'd gotten everything right so far which was no surprise considering you'd been dating for a while.

"What do I tell people my favourites movies are but what are they really?" He always changed what he told people his favourites were so you were struggling,

"You've been telling people it's horror lately but we both know you hide behind me when we watch them and I know your favourites are anything with Disney princesses." He wrote down that you were right again making you laugh as you took a drink of coffee and watched him,

"Languages?"

"Chinese, English, a little Japanese and of course, Korean." You smirked over at the camera and saw that the comments were going faster as you were getting question after question,

"When did I join BigHit?"

"2010 and you trained for four years." You pushed noodles into your mouth and he threw the pen and pad down onto the table biting into his own food,

"Do I know you enough?" You giggled looking at him as he playfully glared at you,

"You know me too well." You poked your tongue out at him and he turned to look at Army to see if they knew the answers as well which most of them did but the rest of them were too busy laughing about how pouty Jin was being about everything.

Yoongi:

Though he would never admit it Yoongi was liking this a lot more than he was putting out to the camera, he loved the fact that you made Youtube videos and that he got to feature in them, he loved that you always asked him to do videos with you when he wasn't working because he got to spend more time with you. Right now was a fan suggested video and it was to do the Boyfriend Tag with him everyone knew that you were together since there was a release about it in the magazines and online about your relationships,

"Easy one, what else do I want to do besides produce and make music?" You looked at him and then smiled,

"Radio DJ, which is why you're always doing your little VLive Fm's." You smiled and he smirked at you, he adored how well you knew him.

"Okay next one, Why am I named Suga and Agust D?" You were thinking on it for a second, you'd had that conversation a couple of days ago.

"Okay, Suga is because the first syllables are from shooting guard which was your position and then Agust D is Suga backwards with DT Because of Daegu Town." He stared at you with a smile on his lips, he was just getting more and more impressed by how well you knew him.

"My ideal date night?"

"Either a night in together, movies, a walk and something to eat or taking a huge nap together." You said as you looked at him, remembering your most recent date which was literally both of you falling asleep on the sofa watching a movie,

"How many hours of sleep do I get?"

"Five, because you're fucking weird and can't sleep more than that." You grumbled looking at him and then over at the camera,

"He won't even lay there and just cuddle me either." You pouted causing him to lean over and kiss your cheek,

"Shut up." He mumbled against your skin making you giggle at him.

(yall dont understand the harships i go through when i see multiple gifs i wanna use)

Hoseok:

It was Jungkook's idea, you were all bored sitting inside of a hotel room since it was pouring it down with rain and none of you could go out. Now it was a test to see who knew Hobi better between you and Yoongi and you were currently winning which was surprising you since Yoongi and Hoseok had been hanging around together a lot longer than you had,

"What did I get a bronze medal for?" You looked at Yoongi who was still thinking on it,

"Tennis match," You said to Hoseok who smirked writing down a point for you on the whiteboard that they had,

"This is all fresh in your memory that's the only reason you know it." Yoongi chuckled looking at you as you pretended to be offended.

"What company did I originally audition for?"

"Jyp." You got out just before Yoongi did and the boys let out a chorus of 'Oh's' making Yoongi glare at them playfully, you giggled at them and then looked at Hobi.

"Make them harder baby." You whined looking at Yoongi who was already struggling enough he didn't need them to be harder.

"What school did I go to?" You and Yoongi fell into silence and stared at one another, you knew it it was right on the tip of your tongue.

"Collaborative point?" You questioned and Yoongi nodded as you tried to think of the answer together,

"Isn't it..." You leant over and whispered into his ear and he nodded,

"Academy for Rap and dance in Gwangju?" You both asked in sync looking at Hoseok who was laughing at you both,

"Yes, last one...Name of my old street dance team?"

"Neuron." You shouted out making the boys all laugh as you won the round and started dancing around the hotel room,

"They cheated!" Yoongi yelled at you looking at you and Hoseok as you started laughing together

Namjoon:

"Jin this is stupid, why do we have to see who knows him better it's clearly me." You laughed as Jin got ready for another round of questions from Namjoon who looked like he was getting bored of the game that Jin had arranged for all three of you.

"You're just saying that because you're losing." You stared at Jin and then at Namjoon who had a point sheet in his hands,

"She's winning actually...She's ahead by four points." Jin stared at Namjoon who was staring back at him,

"Next four questions are worth two points each." You agreed to the terms and got ready to answer,

"Where did I study?" You slapped your knee meaning it as your turn to answer first.

"New Zeland." You answered looking to your side to see Jin sighing and throwing his head back,

"I'll take one point for each one I get right, you take four if you get one right." You giggled and he pushed you softly,

"Deal."

"When did I release Mono?" You gave Jin a couple of seconds before you slapped your knees,

"October 23rd 2018."

"How do you remember the exact date?!" Jin yelled giving up and looking at you, you were giggling as he started to talk so fast he was rapping again.

"Last one!" Namjoon yelled making you both calm down,

"Ideal date?"

"No, new question. She'll know that easily." You nodded in agreement and Namjoon thought about another question,

"When did I change my stage name?"

"2017...November?" You said looking at him with a raised eyebrow he nodded, Jin threw down his pieces of paper and walked out of the dorm living room giving up and leaving you and Namjoon alone.

"You owe me ice cream!!" You screamed after him listening out as he slammed his bedroom door.

Jimin:

Jimin had been binge-watching couple videos all week and he decided that he wanted to do one like it on VLive with you and because Army loved you both together they decided to agree to watch it finding entertaining with how far Jimin had gotten into it, he'd made a banner for the backdrop, had a buzzer for you to push and even had helplines ready in case you needed them. He was treating it like a little gameshow but so far you were doing amazingly and hadn't used any lifeline, or needed help from Army because you knew him that well.

"Final four questions," He said to the phone looking back at you with a smile,

"What school did I transfer from and which one did I go to?" He questioned looking at you and glancing over at the phone to see Army already answering,

"You went to Busan High School of Arts and went to Korea Arts High School with Tae." He cheered and moved onto the next question,

"What are some of my hobbies outside of BTS?"

"Being with friends and family, reading comics and romance novels that you don't tell anyone about and staying on your phone for hours." He stared at you as you outted him about the secret romance book collection he was growing but moved on,

"What was my old motto?"

"Something like 'Let's keep trying till we can't do it anymore?" He nodded and moved onto the last question, all of them had been relatively easy...or for you at least they had but you had been together for a long time.

"What am I most confident about with myself?"

"Your eyes, but you should be confident about everything because you're perfect." He pushed a button on his phone which filled the room with fake clapping and cheering and you giggled as he brought you close to his chest and hugged you lovingly.

Taehyung:

It was all his idea, he'd been watching some videos online where he watched couples seeing if they knew each other well enough and now you were sitting on the sofa quizzing back and forth about one another,

"Who's my biggest role model?" He asked looking over at you with a smirk, he hadn't spoken about it much but you remembered him mentioning it once in front of the boys,

"Your dad, you said you wanted to be like him. Someone who listens and takes care of his children encourages them about their future and helps them." He smiled at you and nodded along with you telling you that you were right, he answered your question next and it was his turn again.

"Who are some of my closest friends besides the boys?"

"Park Bogum, Sungjae, Minjae, Baekhyun, Mark, and Minho....Tae you have too many friends for me to count." You grumbled looking at him while he laughed.

"Okay, okay...What would I do if I wasn't an Idol?"

"Photographer, or a painter...You've never said you wanted to be a painter but you should, you're really good at it." You complimented reaching across to the bowl of popcorn which was sitting on his lap, you put some in your mouth and he copied you.

"When did I get Yeontan?"

"2017 around December time." He stared at you as you fired off every question he gave you with a smile on your face.

"I just know you too well baby, now what's my reward?" You giggled looking at him, he slowly moved the bowl onto the table and kissed you roughly.

"Me. I'm the reward." You giggled at him as he continued to kiss you.

Jungkook:

Having a personal Twitter account to keep up with Army was fun, you spent a lot of time on there with Jungkook looking through accounts that you loved and showed him when you interacted with certain Army.

"What if Jungkook and Y/n did a twitter video asking questions about one another?" You read out looking at the phone and Jungkook stared up at you thinking it was a great idea,

"We should! It'll show how well we know one another." You stared at him thinking about it for a moment,

"Okay!" You got questions ready and he went first, sitting in front of you as you got the camera ready.

"Quickfire round, four questions each that's it." He told you as he took out the piece of paper he was holding with his questions already written down on.

"Okay, I'm ready." You told him looking at the phone and smiling,

"Favourite time of year?"

"When it's sunny but not too hot." He smiled and nodded moving onto the next one,

"What do I have a blackbelt in?"

"Taekwondo." He smirked and moved on,

"Do you know how many tattoos I have?" There were so many that kept appearing you were losing count,

"17?" You guessed looking at him and he nodded his head from side to side,

"About that yeah, okay why did I join BigHit?"

"You fell in love with Joonie and decided that was why you wanted to join." He chuckled moving over and kissing you on the lips, you'd edit it out later not wanting to get into trouble for having skinship online. Army loved it and started asking you to do more videos like that together, and it developed into a regular thing where you would film a video together every friday.

Tagline:

@yoongisdumplingcheeks @snowy-meowl @lynnthevirgo @jooniesdarlingdimples @kpopfanfictionhoes @lyoongx @btsiguess-kpop @callingmyangel @fan-ati--c @mitzwinchester @rjsmochii

619 notes · View notes

yoitscro · 3 years

Text

cw depression, anxiety, vent //

i kinda hate how i can go from laughing at youtube videos to having an emotional rollercoaster and crying in the dark.

literally nothing really happened today.. i mean i had one hour of sleep the night before so that could explain my anxiousness, but it’s not like i’ve not had some of these thoughts before.

i went to work, relatively sat there for nine hours, then went home. i remember mostly looking stuff up, watching a few youtube videos, etc. but while i was trying and tried to think back, i couldnt really remember what i did specifically. like, i knew i did and watched certain things, but i can’t remember in full what i did exactly to make 9 hours pass by. i was suppose to work on project stuff, but i didn’t do any of that.

but yeah the reason my mood is shit is because i think i had too many quiet moments with certain thoughts that compare to each other, and all of that kinda came to a boil rn.

i was just sitting in a voice chat. i’m not drawing bc i dont really wanna force myself to have to do something visibly interesting for someone to show up and wanna chat. i just wanna do the chatting part. make friends, just have a nice conversation. i was there for 2+ hours listening to a music bot, because i can only assume that since im not really known (but i have talked to people in there), and im not really known for doing anything outstanding, that no one’s jumped to talk to me like they would others. i feel like im constantly casting a hook into a lake and getting nothing. this has happened multiple times in multiple server. i don’t wanna just @ someone or tell anyone im in call when they can see i am, otherwise i feel like im being pushy or making someone feel like they have to talk to me, when they don’t want to.

i feel like if someone makes the step to talk to me first, that means a lot, versus me having to nudge them.

I do a lot of nudging, and I feel like a bother when I do, so I try to not. Then when I don’t nudge, I never get any nudges of my own. So I keep nudging since it’s the only way I tend to get any interaction. Or else people just forget im there. which makes me feel like regardless of the nudging im not really thought about anyways.

earlier today i was looking up aro stuff. i was trying to figure some things out about myself, and some of it seemed to match up. but i was also trying to figure out if it was something that was tru about myself, or potentially me trying to make reason for why i can’t really form any bonds with others. or rather, something to make me feel anchored for why i feel hesitant about bonds? mostly because i’ve been burned so many times that i dont wanna end up being alone again, or being burnt out due to other issues. and it sometimes feels like unless im someone’s number one, i can’t even been their third wheel.

later i started thinking about how i’ve wanted to move out of my house, and each time something’s gone wrong with trying to find a room mate. at least two of them went sour with people who i assume didn’t think i was worth it. i told a therapist back in mid 2018 that i’d intended to move in with my ex best friend. yeaars ago. idk if im ever getting out of here anytime soon with someone who wants to bother.

and bringing this back to the voice chat thing, idk. being alone when im trying to not be makes my thoughts roll about all the times i’ve been left behind. especially times where my well being or regards were unconsidered and my concerns were potentially dismissed. each time i keep going back to thinking about 2019 and how i was left by myself in NY bc of petty drama and gossip. and how i was dismissed for being concerned for being left alone by people who didn’t care and had the potential to at least care about what could happen if i was left alone. i try to think back to that as just thinking that i was dealing with a particularly nasty crowd, and it’s not a reflection of most people nor my relationship with most people. but then i think/thought back to those other issues of today. i think back to similar issues that’ve happened before. i think about how they keep happening and how they all have the same pattern: that im mostly forgettable and that i don’t really have anyone to rely on, outside of family. and well. family. yeah.

i could be gone tomorrow and it’d take a week or more for anyone to truly grow concern, and that’s only because someone would only notice by that point. because again. im always the one to nudge. im not really thought of until i say something. until i pester to the point of being annoying bc my social cues are out of wack and im slightly clingy, because of the abandonment. hell, i literally remember a time where i had con friends that straight up talked to each about having to leave for the night and getting up to leave the lobby without saying anything to me, WHILE i was there. like they forgot.

i can sit through an entire conversation and just listen to people, and i can learn a lot from or about them, but i doubt they know much about me. because i can go minutes, 30 mins, an hour without someone asking me anything or inviting me to chip in.

cw // suicidal thoughts

i keep anchoring in on that NY trip bc it really was the peakfest form of cruelty that opened my eyes to how much people don’t give a shit about me. everytime i think about it and my thoughts start to spiral, i think about how i constantly thought about jumping on train tracks. i thought about what would happen if i got attacked and no one found out. i thought about if i didn’t want to hurt myself because i wasn’t that deep into a spiral, or because i fear the pain versus the result. idk.

im fine rn. tbh writing all this helps me destress. but...next time i go to my doctor or whatever, i guess ill say something. i’ve always checked ‘No’ for suicidal thoughts because i never took any impulsive imaginations seriously. But im starting to realize that having them more than once means something. I’m starting to realize that crawling into my bed because im crying too much to draw and that i keep thinking about typing up what the least painful ways to go are. that’s...not good, obviously. i need to go talk to my doctor. and go to the doctor period.

i have money saved for ADHD. im just wondering how the rest works if i think i have something else? do i have to have separate specific appointments if i wanna get tested for multiple different things (Depression, BPD, etc), or can i just have one and the psych people dissects from there which it is? idk.

i know my sister recently got prozac. im glad for her, but im slightly jealous. my parents never really gave that many shits to ask if i ever needed any of what she’s got or been forced to get even. and if i did bring something up id probably be asked tedious questions and given patronizing tones. bleh. i can’t even imagine telling my mom about the NY situation. she’d baby me about hanging out with people online for the rest of my life versus giving actual respect to the situation or encouragement that i’d want. meh.

ok. i think this ramble is done. i think i just needed to vent a lot of stuff out before i ended up wasting the night away, lol.

i can’t do much rn while im focusing on getting a bit more money from my shitty job, but once i get a nice paycheck in a few months or less, ill try scheduling an appointment. i think i need to get a physical soon anyways.

thanks for reading, if you did. sorry if i freaked anyone out.

#buzzcull

10 notes · View notes

stimmingstarboy · 3 years

Note

Thank you for answering so quickly. I appreciate it. So on normal days I have really bad sensory issues but today is especially bad. I'm on edge and have panicked so much today. My mom opened my door but I didnt hear it so she started talking and I jumped and shouted *not at her just in general* Also I'm constantly having thoughts I dont want. Which isnt a new thing and I can mostly it ignore it but today its making everything worst. My parents keep touching me and when I dont answer they repeat what they were saying until I have to answer. This wasnt meant to be a vent I just wanted to be thorough in how I say what I'm dealing with without going into to much detail. If this is overwhelming let me know so I can hopefully do better next time. Do you have any tips on how to make it through through the day? If you cant answer it's okay. Hope your doing alright.

oh man, I can totally relate to that feeling. I've made a solid game plan for when I have ultra bad sensory days

make a note that says “please leave me alone I am having a bad sensory day” and stick it on the outside of your room door or tell that to your mom so she knows you're having a bad sensory day

get a snack and a drink. it can be anything you like :)

gather up your stim toys

close your window blinds and turn off the lights

make a blanket fort or hide under a blanket (I like to hide under my desk)

and do something you enjoy. this can be watching videos on youtube, playing video games, listening to music, or even just sitting in the dark in the quiet with your stim toys

I find that this helps a lot when dealing with bad sensory days. a lot of times with overstimulation anger, depression, bad feelings, and unwanted thoughts pop into your head so making a nice sensory space will help calm them down and ignore them. you can stay in your sensory space for as long as you want and there’s no rush to get out or do stuff like school or anything like that so its ok to just chill and do what you want.

I tend to stay under my little blanket fort for a few hours watch youtube videos I like, play with my stim toys and relax and when I'm ready to come out I feel much better. I hope this helps

12 notes · View notes

letterstomilen · 3 years

Text

i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ.

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

Childe