sparkleyunicornllama-blog - Tumblr blog

sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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I drove away from life today and went to the beach.

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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My outfit of the day is me being super lazy because I really don't want to function. I'm sad and tired.

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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I'm so excited for my new room I already bought some prints to put on my walls. I have so many ideas for decorating ! I'm just really excited to be able have the space to put all my manga and merchandise on display and have a more organised work space for when I can get back into some drawing. Ill be posting so many shelfies I swear!

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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A little bit of my shopping haul from Monday. I went into Afflecks Palace got me a squirtle for my pokemon collection! As well as Forbidden Planet to get me some Pop figures Genos and Saitama Genos is Fave.. I do love them both though! And of course you can't miss out on a trip to Cex for some cheap anime movies especially if they are Studio Ghibli!

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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Saturday afternoon chills 👌 I’m actually working all weekend, but I had an early shift today with an early finish… I’ve honestly had a pretty horrible week. But Sebastian can make everything better. He's is probably my favourite Character ever. **I’m a functioning adult with a huge sebastian poster on my wall**

I’M NOT ASHAMED!

Yes I’m old school and collect DVDs infact Black Butler Collection numero uno was my first ever Amazon purchase so I make a point of getting the Black Butler DVDs.

I found out Holland amd Barret sell Littles coffee! In coconut! I absolutely love coconut! So yas. Happiness.

And the comfiest superdry socks ever.

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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My lunch is beautiful. 😍

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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I have been Missing in Action.. omg. I’m here 🤗 Things are super stressful right now. With appointments and tests and work and with the house just being sold so we are moving. I’m actually quite excited about my moving! A new bedroom that I can decorate! I can’t wait!

Out fit of the day.. I hit the gym the morning pretty hard and I only have a couple of errands to run this afternoon and then its all chills. So I wanted something comfy.

This Dragon Ball Z hoodie always makes me happy. It came from Rage on. They sell some really interesting stuff designed by all kinds of people! I can’t reccomend them enough! And the quality is really good too! New ripped skinnies from my trip to Afflecks palace on Monday and a vest with my unicorn design on.. because unicorn vibes make everything better!

I also got a new a make up pallette nothing fancy but the pigments are amazing! I wanted some bright colours to go with my outfit 👌 Sleek is such an under rated brand I swear.

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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The weather is amazing today 💜

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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I don't feel like adulting today..

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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Good Morning 💜

*real talk alert*

Last night was horrible for me. I was really unwell. I was in severe pain with my stomache and felt extremely sick. I was very dizzy and really lethargic at work yesterday too. It was 20°c (to british people thats like lets get naked hot) I wore layers of clothes and a big coat and shivered all day with my hands turning blue. My muscles hurt and are just cramping up with almost every movement. And no surprises but the bruises up the backs of my legs have gotten worse.

So this morning my mum had a good chat with me. She told me how ill I have started to look and that she knows I am struggling, but today as traumatic as it will be for me As I struggle through my relapse and these intense negative thoughts I have to refuel. I have to rest. In my previous relapses this has worked and its been able to break through my behaviours until my eating becomes something that resembles “normal” I have never been in any kind of formal treatment despite being hospitalised briefly a year ago when my organs were failing. So all I have ever done is focus on changing eating patterns and never actually fixing anything that goes on inside my head.

I have to try and avoid my anorexic behaviours even if I just get through today and I struggle on and I cant keep up with this. It is something to keep me going until I do start outpatient treatment next week.

I really wish things were different amd I could love normally and it would be amazing. But my whole world has begun to revolve around being skinny. Again. For a while I convinced myself that the excessive exercise I was doing was healthy. That only having certain foods was just healthy. Until this past week I was was eating relatively nothing apart from the 5 safe foods I had left. Just bland. Low calorie low fat with hardely protein. A couple of weeks back I started to loose progress at the gym. What I could lift easily dropped by 30kilo to something I struggled to get even through 1 set. And I still I continued. I only ate using a specific tiny spoon. I would only eat of a bowl that fit in my hand or a child sized plate. I told my self it was just something I liked to do. Because eating disorders, are deceitful and manipulative. For me its control, fear, guilt and anxiety and the need to feel some sense of achievement. Every person is different and everyones eating disorder is fuelled by different things as well as manifesting in different ways.

Its doesn’t fit a generic stereotype, and so there isn’t a single treatment plan that works for everyone.

I hear it all the time.. people trying to educate me on whats healthy and whats not on intakes and metabolism and whats good for you. Why treats are ok. I don’t want to be rude but honestly I know pretty much all of it. Through the almost 7 years now I have struggled with eating disorders and tried to recover on my own I have spent days educating my self on nutrition amd exercise. Vitamins and minerals. Macros and gains. Muscle building and shredding. I mean a few weeks ago I started to realise I was struggling and I had an appointment with a GP, I explained everything that was going through my head for him to say… “oh just eat 3 meals a day” … 🤔 but… what… would you tell a schitzophrenic to stop hearing voices? But according to my eating eating disorder non of that infomation is correct. Irrational right? I know my self as well as all of the scientists and people who develop and work with all these different programs know that it is true.

I know the effects it is having on my body and I know my nails are brittle and my hair is falling out. And I know it will only get worse. But for some of us, it is isn’t enough to give us the encouragement that we need to recover.

I dont want to loose my job, I honestly love it as challanging and demanding asnit is. The people I care for inspire me to keep going. Their happiness gives me happiness.

Theres things I do want to achieve in life, i want to own my home, excel in my job, travel to Japan and the world I want to get back into drawing and go to conventions.

As well as all of that I want to enjoy the little things again, Trying something that looks tasty just because, going for trips or to meals with my family amd friends. Getting a take away on my way home from work just because I fancied it. Go to a food festival actually eat the Japanese snacks I buy from conventions. Experiment with recipies. Bake with my mum and cook for my grandparents. Have a movie night with snacks or pop corn at the cinema. Eat drunk pizza toast after a night out. Just drink a cup of english breakfast tea. Maybe even be super British and dunk a biscuit in there. I want to run and enjoy it like I used to. Be proud of my gains or just accept my self. To look in the mirror without tearing my self apart. I want energy and the ability to conventrate.

We need time to process things. To overcome what it is that triggered things. How to deal with things we can’t fix. But most importantly. We need that time to love ourselves and accept ourselves. Because what size you are or your weight does not define you. At all. I don’t judge other people on those things. It doesnt change their kindness or their talents or their sense of humour or who loves them.

Eating is good for you. Exercise is good for you. But when it starts to consume your every thought or it starts to isolate you from your friends and it makes you ashamed or feel guilty. It is a problem, and you always deserve help no matter what your weight what you eat. If you feel you need to reach out you do it.

Moderation is a wonderful thing. You should enjoy the foods you love while they give you the energy to do the things your passionate about. To experience your life in the possitive way possible.

I actually started this blog as a way to keep my self motivated and focused on the possitive things. I don’t want to sit here and pretend my life is great. Because theres to much of that bullshit on social media. This is all so negative.

I’M SORRY!

Today! Bed rest for me! On my mums orders this wonderful food. I adored giant crumpets and its been years.. with salted butter of course. And a bowl of alra skyr high protein yogurt passion fruit flavour, maxi shredded wheat granola, urban fruit coconut chips, mango, apple, pomegranate and some strawbs.

Pretty much all fear foods at the minute. Terrifying, delicious but nutritious foods. In a normal adult sized bowl. The horror. But fuck eating disorders and their negativity I will enjoy day of gaming and watching films and hopefully sketching and napping. While my body does some repairing.

Body shops vanilla chai body lotion and the delicious vanilla almond Forest friends candle. The little things 👌

All of you fighting. All of you who have won. And all of you struggling. Your amazing, beautiful and deserve happiness.

You always deserve to recover in your own way at your own pace.

Stay strong and stay safe.

💜💚

I just needed to say somethings. If you read this far . Sorry I bored you to death and thank you!

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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Holy shit!! You are too cute!!! 😝😝😝

D: Awahhhhh you think so?!?! Thank youuu!! This made me happy 💜💚

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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Casual stroll through the villages canal.

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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Run and gym completed 💪💪 It really looks like its going to rain today.. like always I mean I do live in Northwest England. So I got me an oversized jumper. I made an actual effort because I felt like it.

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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Good Morning! I needed this day off! I fell asleep so early last night! So of course I woke up really early! But Atleast I had enough sleep last night. I have quite alot going on and its overwhelmed me a bit! So today! After running and the gym ect. I shall spend my day organsing everything amd planning everything out! Just the thought of this is making me feel more possitive. Also theres an art shop in a nearby village that I adore and they are having a closing down sale :( so I'm going to see what I can find there. I did used to bullet journal and I really loved it. It was nothing too fancy but it would always keep me on track with everything and it made me feel productive filling it in and laying out the pages. So sunday night, I got on on Amazon Prime and digged our my stickers and things from random Paperchase impulse buys. I love this random orange. Charmander is my favourite starter pokemon. I love his sassy attitude. My pencil case is my own design.. I actually hand made it (with the help of my Grandma because sewing machines terrify me) Happy Tuesday 💜

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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Walks 👌

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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Oh my gosh I look like an absolute zombie today! Comfy clothes and minimal make up are needed! Off to walk my doggo and be productive. Hopefully!

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sparkleyunicornllama-blog · 7 years

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Good Morning! Pride was so much fun yesterday! Its very rare I drink so I got much drunker than I thought I would! I bought this amazing candle from the Markets from Lancaster Candles stall. It smells really good! Also Aflecks’s Extreme Largeness was selling Pride postcards so I had to get one with the bee on it.

I woke really early as usual though.. so I made my self something different for breakfast.. and it was really amazing!

Corn cake thins with honey mustard quark, spinache, grilled mushrooms, courgette and tomotoes with poached eggs.

I’m watching the Steins Gate Movie in bed before I end up crazy busy for the rest of the day.. I adored the Steins Gate series so I have no Idea why I didnt get round to watching to the Movie!

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